#im gonna talk to my physical therapist about it tomorrow and probably make a doctors appointment unless she can figure out whats up with it.

[stepfordgoth]

If you're not having any kind of joint pain today, take a second to thank your body..... And do some stretching RIGHT NOW.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3374

i woke up today at like 10:26 feeling great! catalogued how i felt and immediately fell back asleep.

woke up around 11:something to a phone call, which was from my therapist, so i woke up for that. talked to her about the con plague i'm suffering from as well as a friend i need to set boundaries with. she helped me think about the situation and equipped me with knowledge i did not previously have so i can do a better job when i need to reinforce those boundaries i once set a while ago. but so far, im okay.

unfortunately, when i got up out of bed i did not feel as good as i thought i did. but i did shower today, which was beneficial. helps to be clean.

i gotta wash some laundry tomorrow. my comfy stuff is dirty.

anyway, i had soup for lunch and came back upstairs and napped for a while. i've been trying to tell my mom to stop doing things and to actually rest, because she's sick, but she hasn't been listening to me a lot and is doing stuff anyway. so i think today she finally caved. she was supposed to go to the dentist thursday. she called and told them, and they rescheduled for her. she napped today. she's the type of person to power through an illness and by doing so makes it last six times longer than it should. so i'm trying to get her to stay down for more than a day or two because getting better is not something you can simply will your body to do when you have an autoimmune deficiency. lady's got lupus for god's sake. just stop, ma. stop. go back to bed. sleep. she doesn't sleep well, either, so that sucks too.

the good news is that i see what she's doing even though nobody else does. and i know what she needs to be doing because i'm 31 years old and basically have her immune system, plus i've been around her for three decades. so like, mom. you gotta stop running yourself into the ground. you'll get sickER, and then you'll STAY sick. which is the last thing you want. she hates being sick but she gets sick and stays sick for a long time because of her habits.

but i'm pushy with her when she gets sick. "go back to bed. now." "call the dentist and reschedule. they're not gonna wanna see you if you're sick." "get someone else to take her. you're SICK." constantly reminding her that she is, in fact, sick is something that she needs because she says shit like "i'll be better tomorrow morning," or "i'll be better in two days."

yes manifesting is one thing and the power of will of a human is another thing, but healing from illnesses is something entirely different. dad gave you a blessing? okay, so are you gonna help yourself by going to the doctor, or are you gonna rely on sky daddy to fix it?

so that's what i've been dealing with on top of trying to feel better.

my sister is also sick. but mom got sick before i came home, so i didn't give con plague to her. i probably gave it to my sister, though, even though she avoided me. her symptoms sound like mine. but i have health insurance. it's too risky in this country to not have health insurance. i hate this place. i'm gonna fuckin file for medicaid for the two of them. they need insurance. if something happens to james, then what, huh?? goddamn.

i may be reckless and a dumbass, but i have the sense to have health insurance to help me take care of the consequences of my dumbassery.

sigh. didn't really mean for this to turn into a rant about health.

but seriously, guys. whoever is reading this, make sure you've got health insurance and that you take steps to help yourself. if you live in the US, it's FAR too dangerous to live without insurance. medicaid is low-cost or doesn't cost you a dime. you can get doctors appointments, dentistry, glasses, specialists, physical therapy, and mental health therapy, along with medications to help you if something ever does happen. local state governments have their own applications, but if you search on the page for the department of health and human services (DHHS), you should be able to find links and stuff to access it.

if you don't qualify for medicaid because you make too much, the healthcare marketplace will often give discounts so insurance is only $10 a month or something. it really depends. i have to fix my application tomorrow because my medicaid ended today. having both was a good cover just in case it got ended because of my new job, but now that it's just the one, i gotta change it and hopefully they'll change my monthly premium.

anyway.

get health insurance!!

for those who live in single-payer systems, what is your favorite part about it? besides the fact that you don't have to ridiculous bullshit of american insurance lmao

also yeah, i still feel shitty. not as shitty as before, but still not great. my head is still fuzzy and thinking is hard. which isn't fun. but i'll be taking mucinex sinus day stuff with me so i can take it and function at work when i go in on wednesday. i can't afford to not go in. womp womp.

anyway. i didn't get to talk to joel today, but that's mostly because i was completely out of it for like 80% of the day.

and my hair is weird so i need to get it fixed but i don't want to cut it because i want to grow it out again, but i hate leaving it this awkward length. bleh.

i could use a thousand-dollar trip to the mall or barnes and noble. or both. they're right across the street from each other anyway.

[malafight]

mhhrhrhrhrhrrr okay im gonna cave and... go into a little more detail, i guess. not like, absolute breakdown of everything that happened, but i need to share a little to get it off my chest and some level of context is required to fully understand just how fucked up my therapist was today so im gonna put it behind a cut and uh, go against my Personal Feelings and turn off anon for a little bit to protect myself

this isn’t an attempt at getting attention or garnering sympathy; i wasnt pressured into divulging my Victim Status by anyone. im just an open book as a person, and i need to vent, and on some level i just need the validation that my therapist was wrong and how she treated me today was really fucked up

so i guess, trigger warnings under the cut: rape/sexual assault, victim blaming and probably some gaslighting by an authority figure who is supposed to be trustworthy, click at your own risk, im deeply sorry to anyone on mobile

so, in the clearest of words, i was sexually assaulted when i was 19, by a 24 year old. at least, i think he was 24. i don’t remember. i don’t even remember his last name; he was my first serious boyfriend, and my first sexual encounter, but i don’t remember his god damn last name. up until about a week and a half, two weeks ago, i just set it aside as A Bad But Consensual Experience, because for almost ten years i’ve been telling myself, word for word, that “i did it because i wanted to, not because i had to.” no deviation from those words, like a fucking mantra. i said it to my mom the night it happened and didn’t change it for almost ten fucking years.

i don’t remember much; some sensory details, him shushing me, crying afterwards and him telling me it can just be intense sometimes, mostly just dissociating through the whole thing.

i’ve dissociated through every sexual encounter since, all consensual on my part at least. i was uncomfortable and anxious and even scared around him after that, culminating in an ugly breakup soon after. i stopped using any penetration when masturbating, and didn’t start again until about three years ago, and even then it’s rare -- especially because it’s uncomfortable and often downright painful to get anything inside me now. it was always a little tough/tight, but not painful. only in the context of sexual stuff, though; i can get a super plus tampon in me and the only problem is getting it at the right angle so that it sits comfortably. surprise rape scenes in any media are intensely triggering, as are (stupidly enough) depictions of jasper being a rapist, which i understand is going a bit far in the projection department, but i unfortunately don’t control my brain.

i never understood why i felt broken because of this stuff, why it felt like something bad had happened that i couldn’t remember, until a conversation with a friend put it in a new light and made me realize that it was absolutely possible to be rape even if it was just finger-fucking.

i don’t remember saying no. but i definitely don’t remember saying yes.

i told this to my therapist today and here are some loose recollections of things she said to me, not word for word because somewhere in here my brain just checked the fuck out:

“since you can’t say for sure you ever said no, it’s kind of a gray area” “how can it be rape if it’s just his fingers, when he’s not getting anything out of it?” “it just sounds like you regret it” “why are you just thinking about it now?” “it sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself that it happened that way” “you should see a doctor to find out if there’s a physical reason for the pain” “i’ll have to do some research into what else might cause the things you’ve said made you feel like that”

when i tried to explain to her that, while i was technically a legal adult, i had been in an abusive household from 11 to 18 and the constant fight-or-flight stunted my development emotionally/mentally/socially, so i didn’t think i even understood that i was allowed to say no, that i didn’t owe him anything, she was just like, “wait, so do you have, like, a disorder?” and i was like “well, i have adhd, which is technically a developmental disorder, but i meant like-” “well adhd doesn’t delay you like that”

and throughout most of the thing she kept saying consulted instead of consented

and im just. so fucking upset. betrayed. and fucking angry. i fear for her past, current, and future patients who might come in with similar stories. and i’m still trying to silence the gremlin in my head that’s telling me i’m making it up, emboldened by the fact that An Authority Person Said So.

the worst part of this is that i have to be in counseling to get my meds, and she’s the only mental health counselor at that location. the only place that i can afford.

god. i feel sick, and fucking dirty, and just wrong all over, and everything from the bellybutton down feels like static right now. my skin feels like there’s something nasty and gritty under it and there’s a sour taste in my mouth.

i want to physically tear into her, tooth and nail, just to stop feeling like this. but instead i called and told her supervisor what she’d done, and her supervisor at least was like “wow, i’m gonna... talk to her i am so sorry.” so, there is that. i’m approaching this like an adult and not a terrified child or an injured animal, at least.

but god i just. i want to cuddle my kitten and sleep forever. i feel awful and i want to die. but i’m not going to. i’m going to take a nap, and clean house, and then go to work tomorrow morning like nothing is wrong. and i’m gonna go to new hampshire next week, and officiate cy and tree’s marriage on halloween, and it’s gonna be fucking awesome. i have a lot to fucking live for and im not going to let some insensitive, victim-blaming bitch be the reason i miss out on it all.

but boy howdy i am not okay right now, either, so im just. gonna take a nap.

sorry for babbling but i. needed to get it off my chest? and i needed to vent. so. here’s too much information, given to a thousand strangers on the internet, after which i have no control over it. i’m desperately hoping this doesn’t go badly, but who fuckin knows.

have a good night xo