#im gonna push because we cant and shouldn't go back

[rae-gar-targaryen]

Loves, just to say it in case you need to hear it -- a quick note for you: Things are hard right now. But moments, like the waxing and waning of the moon, wax and wane. Time passes. But the interim is hard. And you are beautiful, valid, loved as you are. You deserve to feel safe, heard, accepted.

So, my page is a safe space for lgbtqia+, my space is pro-women, pro-choice, pro-nonbinary, pro human rights, pro blm, pro healthcare, pro science, pro immigration rights. Equity and equality for all -- all power to ALL the people. Love will win. I know it's hard, but take heart. You are NEVER alone.

And if you want to drop in for a hug, my arms are open to you. If you want to drop in to vent, you are welcome to my ear. If you want to send an ask to share fandom thoughts, to thirst, whatever, a little bit of escapism is GOOD and you are welcome here. I will always listen.

So, please, stop in. Have a cup of tea. Warmth and welcome waits for you here. Let's be, first and foremost, a community.☕🩷☀️

[luv-gukkie]

cherry | 𖦊 : three

pairing: yandere! jimin x f. reader, yandere! jungkook x f. reader

genre: fluff || smut || non-idol au || yandere

summary: you’re the cherry on top of everything. the little girl in front of your parents; the gooody two-shoes of your family, friends, and everyone who knows you. so when you’re staring at the two bright, red lines on the pregnancy test. you know you’re fucked, you really do. especially when there’s not only one man, but seven.

word count: +1.4k

tags/warnings: unprotected sex (this is fiction, don't be silly), creampie, squirting, manipulation sex, mention of namjoon, mention of taehyung, public sex? (in a amusement park), soft sex, rough sex, size difference, jimin cares for reader (a lot :]), strawberries with whip cream is kinda sexualized…(sorry fresas), jungkook’s possessive> and wants to do EVERYTHING for the reader

notes: i don’t know why, but this jungkook, has me feeling some type of way. im imagining his black t-shirt that display his tattoos and pretty, long hair. i CANT get it out of my head :,). i love jimin’s part with the churros. he’s too cute. who else likes churros?

tag list: @bananamochidaisy @mageprincess7

༻❤︎︎ ★ ★ ❤︎︎༺

"i'm going out with my friends to go to a carnival," your pointer finger traced his arm filled with beautiful tattoos. ignoring his intense stare. "i heard there's gonna be fireworks!" you squeal, hoping that you've gotten out of jungkook's grasp. but he doesn't let go, "if you wanted to see fireworks so bad, pretty baby, you should've just told me. i'd buy them for you to see, wanna do that?" your hand drops onto the white shirt you borrowed from namjoon last night. you can still smell the thick cologne, some of it rubbing against you. too bad he left so early in the morning with a small wink in your direction. "but i really want to go with my friends." your eyes have the temptation to roll, but you'd be in bigger trouble if you did.

his clinginess reminds you of taehyung, who, with no doubt, has filled your phone with messages so early in the morning. "we can buy you something nice beforehand?" jungkook hopes you like that enough to stay with him. his thumb starts to rub your cheek, noticing you eyeing the velvet fruits. "and buy some strawberries with whatever toppings you want. how does that sound?" you can feel yourself boiling in the inside at the fact he doesn't give up. you beg yourself not to yell because you know he won't take you seriously, or he'll make you regret it. "tomorrow?" you ask, your legs spreading apart just a bit for him to direct his sight to your panties. shirt sliding up your thighs. "pretty please, kookie." jungkook has a light blush on his cheeks, the sweatpants he's wearing not doing anything to hide his growing hard-on. his eyes look up at you, asking permission, in which you nod. both your eyes hooded with lust. his fingers pinch one of the strawberries, messing the whip cream around your mouth before thrusting it to the back of your throat. his fingers reaching far deep into your mouth causing saliva to drip down the sides of your lips. jungkook's doe eyes shining at the wet spot as he releases himself from his slacks. moving your panties to the side, he moves his dick across the slit of your damp cunt. jungkook pushed his cock through your tight hole, groaning at how your walls rejected his entrance. your legs quivered as the feeling, head digging into his neck. tears at the edge of your eyes from the painful intrusion; he's always been too big to handle. his tattooed hands bringing your face closer to his by pulling your hair. he breathed on your lips as he muttered, "we'll go tomorrow." before pecking your lips and pulling out only to slam back in with full force.

~

"ugh." you stared at yourself in the mirror, watching the limp you had when you walked. maybe you shouldn't had convinced jungkook using that way. but at least it worked. luckily, your friends were still going to the carnival so you invited jimin, a 'friend'. you'd meet up with everyone there, including jimin. he had wanted to take you in his car, have a small dinner before going but you told him it would be more fun to see each other at the carnival. he didn't like the idea, but accepted when you told him you would give him a special surprise.

when you arrived at the carnival, jimin was standing by himself. hand in his phone, and two corn dogs in the other. you hugged him by behind, smile on your face as jimin giggled. "you look so pretty!" jimin pecked you all over your face, hands smothering in your hair. he grinned in the inside at the necklace you were wearing: a small gold dove that he gave you. "my friends will be here soon, let's finish these corn dogs jiminie." hands together, a corn dog in the other with huge smiles on your faces as you planned what rides you'll both go on.

you all went on every ride in the carnival. olivia was basically green from the roller coasters she went on. nolan had his eyes shut close every time you guys were at the top or edge. all jimin did was tighten his hold on your hand, pearls out for show. his eyes looking at you from the side, enjoying the view he got. your hair flying all over the place, happy yells escaping your mouth. jimin couldn't believe he got a chance to be with you. but he saw the way nolan eyed you too. his cheeks flushed when you spared him the tiniest bit of affection towards him. it had jimin rolling his eyes in annoyance, the urge to color his face a shade of purple and blues.

the crowd was larger than when you guys arrived, people pushing and shoving. you yelped when you accidentally tripped on someone's foot. jimin was quick to save you from the embarrassment of falling in a public place and having bloody knees. "be careful sweet cheeks." he playfully said, not letting go though. still worried you might fall and get hurt. "thank you," your hands covering your face, hoping to cool down your burning face. when you looked around, none of your friends were in sight. a pout on your lips, "we lost them, didn't we?" jimin nodded his head, an idea popping in his head. taking you by the arm, he dragged you to a churro stand on the other side of the walkway. it was practically empty, a few people here and there.

your eyes distracted by all the options of churros, you failed to notice how jimin stared you down. a heat surging through his body at the skirt you wore. it wrapped around your body too perfectly, giving the perfect amount of skin to have him want more. soon enough, both of you were munching on strawberry filled churros and chocolate covered churros. you sneaked into a higher ground with jimin trailing behind you, "i never knew you did things like this," he muttered with a smirk on his face. "it's too get a good look at the fireworks, you know they start soon?" he laughed at your sassy tone, pulling you into his lap and kissing the sugar away from your pink lips. jimin stuck his tongue down your throat, fingers softly pulling your hair to your back. soothing his hands down your back until they reached your ass, where he snuck them into. you whined in the kiss, his mouth sucking your bottom lip. jimin slipped you out of your panties, leaving open kisses down your neck and collarbone. you tugged his pants and boxers off, his tip glistening with his pre-cum. jimin grabs you hips gently, slowly sliding you onto him and waiting for a while before starting a fast pace. he dug his face onto your covered breasts, soft groans escaping his lips each time he felt your wet walls clenching around him.

your walls began to spasm around him, reaching closer to your high. you whined into his ear, head hiding in his neck as he pushed upwards into you. a breathy moan emerging from his throat at his release, cumming inside you. a grin on his face when he eyes the sticky mess falling on your inner thighs and down his cock. jimin hugs you tightly as he makes you lay down next to me, dick still inside of you. "i love y—" jimin's voice gets interrupted by the loud, colorful explosions in the night sky. you giggle, "jiminie, look at the fireworks!"

but he can't look at the fireworks, not when he sees a purple bruise on your lower collarbone, purposely hidden by your clothes. one he didn't leave.

[iwantanywayyy]

dad and i are sitting on the couch together watching tv. it's Friday night so neither of us should be worried about getting up early tomorrow. i honestly always feel on edge when i have to stay at dad's for the weekends. he watches me do things i know dads shouldnt but he says it's because he loves me and wants to make sure im healthy and safe.

as we're watching the movie he keeps hinting i should go to bed because it's late. every time he talks he presses his toes up against me...i shudder every time and cant help clinging onto the side of the couch. i swear sometimes i see him smirk. he seems annoyed every time i tell him i want to stay up and shakes his foot against my pajama shorts before slightly relieving pressure.

after the fourth time hinting he got up and started muttering to himself as he walked to the kitchen.

i quickly shoved my hands under my panties and checked and oh gosh im so wet why am i wet?! im scared because i know dad does bad things but i can never remember anything i feel crazy and if im wet does that mean i like it? does he know i like it? i hear his footsteps coming back and i quickly squirm back into the position i was in before he left trying to make my face cool down.

he has a cup of water in each hand and i smile in appreciation as he gives me one. taking a few sips i go to put it down but dad tells me to keep drinking because it will make me go to bed quicker. he says he's tired and will do the same but he cant sleep until i do so he counts us down and we both finish our waters before he puts his arm around me and lets me cuddle against him. honestly it made me kind of uncomfortable but dad is so big and he was so warm and made me feel safe at the same time.

as the movie goes on i feel my eyes starting to get hazy. i didnt think the water trick was gonna work that quickly (i didnt think it would work at all honestly but dad's old and maybe it works for him) i mutter out to him im sleepy and try to stand up to bring myself to my bedroom but in my efforts dad firmly grabs my thigh and plops me back down next to him. i dont know why but this made me giggly  so i tried standing up again just so he'd do it and i stumbled back on the couch letting myself fall all the way back.

my eyes were closed for i dont know how long and i felt so sleepy but dad woke me up when i felt his teeth biting into my neck making my eyes flutter open and i couldnt help but cry out i didnt know what was happening i looked down and my tits were pulled out of my top and dad has two fingers trying to shove their way into my little pussy as i squirm against him starting to cry pleading with him over and over to stop but he just hushes me and grabs my neck pulling me up with one hand and pushing me flat against the couch as he strips my pajama shorts off my flailing legs as he tried to force them apart but i fight against him which i shouldn't have because he took his second hand and brought it up to my neck choking me so hard i thought i was going to die!

when he let go i gasped for air and laid there as he easily picked up my legs and placed himself between them. i started crying when i looked down and saw his face pressed against my pussy and felt his tongue drilling my little hole.

"mmmmm little girl stop crying this little pussy is so wet for your daddy isnt it? ive tasted this cute little cunt before you know that sweetheart?"

he shoved a finger inside me making me cry out and beg him to stop i couldnt think at all i felt so weak what was he doing and why didnt i want him to actually stop?!

"you've got no fight left babygirl? you want daddy to breed that tight little teen pussy?"

i laid on the couch exposed and dripping, crying, feeling defeated as my dad pushed my thighs against my chest and lined his big cock against his daughters pussy that he just ran his tongue all over like an animal not caring what im feeling just taking what he wants.

"I'm a filthy fucking man baby im gonna rape my seed into your little teen cunt do you know what that means sweetie?"

i stopped writing there dangit i wanted to know what happened next :/

[re-bee-key]

I would like to talk about Brianna Ghey, but more broadly, i just want to vent about my frustrations with how some people are treating her death.

Specifically, the people saying she wasn't killed for being trans. #Trigger warnings for transphobia, death, racism, antisemitism, and other uncomfortable topics that are important to talk about right now.

Its hard to explain to people who really don't want to listen about the accelerating slippery slope of hate that is being experienced around the world.

What happened to Brianna Ghey is tragic. Its heartbreaking. It is not, however, surprising.

Brianna Ghey lived in the UK. And if you've been paying attention to any amount of trans issues you'd be aware that trans people are struggling for their lives in the UK.

In the UK and the USA and really all over the world, politicians and extremists are pushing to ban trans existance altogether. Bills and laws against where trans people can pee, how they present, if they can get surgery or transition, and in some places laws are made that attack how anyone presents - trans or cis.

And all this hateful rhetoric and change is being pushed under the guise of protection. Protection towards woman and children and society as a whole.

Which is sick and twisted and a heartbreaking world view to have on people just wanting to live their lives how they want to live them.

But this rhetoric riles people up. It sanctifies the hatred in their hearts. And pushes them to act.

Usually in harrassment and bullying. But as the pot begins to boil and tensions get even more strained, the wire snaps and someone gets murdered.

Cause thats what all this hate ultimately leads to. Death.

Hatred and fear of Muslims leads to immigration bans and then job loss and isolation and mosque burnings. Next people begin to fear anyone middle eastern. Anyone brown.

Hatred of gays and Jews and others led to the Holocaust.

Hatred of black people led to slavery and hangings and so so many other horrible things. And even when they fought for their rights, things have only incremently gotten better. The hatred still there. Still leading to inequality and death.

All of this to say, the progressive push against Trans people has reached exactly where it was going to reach with all this horrible shit going on.

I mean, fuck. Just the new stupid Hogwarts game coming out has increased anti trans hostility tenfold.

Trans people are at the forefront of any mention of Harry Potter and its making people mad. Those bubbling tensions are reaching the boiling point, and crazy awful people are taking action.

Brianna Ghey was a semi popular tiktoker and was open about her identity. She was bullied and harrassed on tiktok and at school. And its beyond frustrating that the police are denying this was a hate crime.

She was 16! In a park! Having a nice day and she was stabbed to death. Why would anyone do that? If not for the fanned flames of hate in their heart.

How can anyone deny what is happening?

How can people not care?

Trans lives are at risk. And honestly so is every minority at this point.

You have to push against hate for it to die. You have to keep speaking up. Keep standing side by side people who are different than you but need your support.

You cant just sit back in complacency and let bad things happen and pass you by because they dont affect you.

You gotta fuckin care about other people. This shouldn't be so hard!

Ive got a lot more i want to say but this is already so long and rambly. I just... Im so upset.

The world could be so different. We could all live alongside each other, different but embracing our differences. Sharing and exchanging culture. Progressing the arts and sciences and fixing the planet and pushing what it means to be human and our place in the world.

But instead, we are here. Sliding down the slippery slope. And its gonna take every single person who has the capacity for empathy and good to link arms and together pull ourselves back up to the top.

[twslug]

gonna answer all the q's of that one post i rbed like two days ago or something, answers below break if u gaf (really not groundbreaking info)

answers start here:

that i don't have to do a lot of things (both academically and in my personal life) that i don't want to do but pressure myself to do anyway. a lot of things really and truly Do Not matter

isolating myself due to anxiety or aimless frustration that i don't have an outlet for,,, big fan of Being locked in a room for hours

fav self care is skin care/workout and good music, i'm listening to my girly pop playlist post-workout (current song is toxic by nico rosberg aka britney bitch, so just envision these mentally ill answers with fergie and britney and katy perry and rihanna in the background)

most vivid memory is definitely not a visual memory, i've got some memory loss so i don't remember much of anything about my life. HOWEVER i have an echoic memory, so i really latch onto peoples' voices. i looove f1 with all the different accents and languages (lowkey linguistics hpfx) so i can have drivers narrating my thoughts. charles's voice is super imprinted on my brain because he has a very unique (imo) speech cadence and choice of wording in english, same for max (both verstappen and fewtrell), lando, and other random celebrities or youtubers or irls or characters etc etc.

would like to recieve some emotional/social support, was kind of pushed to the side because my brother is more extroverted, better at school, had asthma and ocd and several food allergies, but i was left to my own devices because i was much quieter and in the background.

have always wanted to be able to take academics into my own hands, as per the last answer, i am very quiet irl and have a hard time asking for help so i spend a lot of schooling teaching myself, so i've mastered the ability to put my head down and succeed by myself but at what cost yknow, i cant even speak to professors or other students

apathy. chronic, neverending, borderline infectious apathy. im very stubborn so if my brain has become apathetic about something then you will never get me to care about it, even if i myself want to

rly gets to me when people are mean to people i like, for an f1 example, idk i like a lot of the drivers but seeing people be blatantly mean to them (criticism and affectionate jabs are Fine) really makes me feel upset and/or almost ill, i get rly anxious for some reason like i'm the one being insulted

no i don't cry. not really (back to the playlist, family ties by baby keem just came on TURN THIS SHIT UUUPPP) anyway i dont really cry, lots of apathy, forced to be the quiet kid etc etc

have done lots of improvement on my body image and having confidence in what i say/believe, esecially in a family setting, lots of my problems are from childhood and being overly quiet/shy, so i rly struggle(d) with speaking my mind but now Nobody has anything on me, my moms dad was a county sheriff and i openly rip on cops in front of her like fuccckkk off u made me like this

was very mentally ill at the time (was also during covid, so i was really mentally unwell), and they had their own problems, ended up having a rly toxic relationship. neither of us had redeeming qualities, said some things we shouldn't have, like mutual punching bags

wish i could connect to my new roommates for this upcoming college/university semester, again: very bad at talking to people, maybe it will be better when we all live together (copium)

POLITICS TIME: i get irrationally angry at people who know nothing about the US south, i live here and it pisses me off when most political "hot takes" about american southern conservatism are boiled down to classism and/or racism, drives me fucking insane

i only like affectionate teasing if i know you rly well or the jab isnt something im insecure about, but im a bit of a hypocrite because i playfully insult people all the time, good rule of thumb i follow is just never go for appearance, all makes u look like a dick

prefer to be numb, because even though its one of the worst things to ever happen to my Cranium, i have a really easy time letting things go and not being upset over things i should probably be upset about. its kind of peaceful when u come to terms with it

talent ive overlooked/lost is ,,,,,,, i actually dont know, i think ive honed the things im really good at, i was really good at being a stage manager in school theatre (was assistant director and stage manager for les mis in 10th grade, bitches love my organizational skills), maybe i pick that up again somewhere

call me seb vettel the way i really liked dark blue in the but switched to loving bright bright #ff0000 red, like the brightest u can get... good shit... Also british racing green forever and always

my stuffed animals :-) no harm in keeping them, i suppose

well this ones easy because i dont like talking about infodumping about the innerworkings of my Psyche but here we are, i feel a bit bothersome, hence this entire post being hidden under a page break ..

LAST ONE (current song playing is dancing in the moonlight by king harvest, for those of u following along athome), i believe people think im much kinder than i think i am. if that makes sense. i know the things ive said to other people, about other people, about myself, etc, and i just feel this kind of imposter syndrome whenever people say they think im rly kind or fun to be around because i know deep down i am miserable and evil and nasty... And dont even hit me w that "bad people dont care that theyre bad so u caring makes u not bad" no no no, thats the thing, i dont care . i am Evil... ebil,,,,,, Deomn evil

[espytalks]

Im ready to talk about what happened on sunday. Long post under cut, and to save time, its mostly copy pasted from a convo with a friend, so the tone is a lot more upset than i am now. i added extra thoughts in italics, and fixed typos.

Tldr, i fell into a boat, sustaining minor (but worrying) injuries, and had a big argument with my brother. Everything's fine now.

My brother has a boat, we know friends of the family who has access to a river we can boat on. Hes my brother, i like spending time with him, and he enjoys fishing. Hes super excited about this boat, man. He doesn't have anyone else to hang out with but me, so regardless im kinda pressured to go with him. I want him to be happy, ya know?

And today, we went out, second time ive ever been in a boat, and the truck gets stuck getting the boat in. Not a big deal, we can call my dad later. I have a hard time getting in, but i get in and we have a fun time.

I have severe psoriasis, and the patches on my arms started getting sunburned, so i say we should head back.

Tides low. Man.

He wanted me to get out of the boat. Im fat, man, im short, im not strong. He kept saying i can do it, that i can get out of the boat myself, and that there wasn't any other way, but when i tried, i fell back into the boat, scratching my back and leg enough to draw blood. I landed on my brother, i feel guilty about that cause we were both pinned and i hurt him because of the fall. I barely manage to roll around and get up.

Editing me coming in: i only had his foot pinned. He made it clear when we talked about it that night i didn't hurt him. He was tense at that moment cause we almost capsized, and he was focused on holding the paddle in the water to keep the boat in place, and because of me he couldn't move.

We loose the paddles we needed to push the boat to shore, he uses a fishing rod to reel us towards the paddle, we make it back to a place we could get out, but he still insists i get out first.

I cant, man. Im tired, im still not strong enough, and im scared now, and pissed, and sad, cause falling is one of my biggest fears and it already happened once.

We were actually close to the ramp with the trailer for the boat, so since i couldn't climp up and balance to get on land the hard way, i decided to wade through near waist high water to get to the slope, cause it was easier for me to get out.

Hes pissed. I learned later he heard a gater was in the area, he didn't tell me this info before i jumped in, cause he didn't want me to panic (it would have liked to know that, bro)

Editing again: unrelated but apparently discord has a word limit. Ive never reached it before this point.

I get out, im tired, were both pissed at each other. He wont let me get in the truck to sit down ( i decided to respect this, actually. I coulda said screw you and got in anyways, but i know that woulda been too far)

I sit on the bench, he calls dad to come get me (dad later called me, i gave him more info, and told him the truck was stuck and we needed help) im cold, wet, lost one of my crocs (i have both back, they're fine. Crocs can float, apparently)

We wait for about half an hour or so getting eat up by bugs in the sun and Florida heat.

Dad comes, i get in his truck, dad pulls the truck (and boat, by this point my brother got the boat onto the trailer) out of the water. My brother hands me my stuff, and dad and i leave.

I feel guilty leaving my brother to himself to wrap all that up, but he wasn't too far behind us, i guess, cause he was home by the time i had finished a shower.

Edit: he told me later he needed the time alone, and i shouldn't feel bad.

I washed the scratches as best i could, and put antiseptic on them, but im still worried about whether its gonna be ok. I don't have insurance, actually, and us healthcare is notoriously expensive, so if i get sick from this, i might be screwed. Dad seems to think its fine, i wanna trust him, but i was sitting in wet pants filled with who knows what kinda river germs for almost an hour so. Ya know.

Edit: im probably fine. Nothing looks infected, its been a couple days and i feel alright, and im being careful to make sure i know if anything develops. I have anxiety, so im always gonna worry about it, but i think ill be fine. Also, my favorite pair of pants is kinda ruined. Bummer.

Its been hours since we've all been home, we've ate dinner, ive calmed down, aside from worries about my health, and i know my brothers tired and still a bit upset about it. I think hes calmed down enough that it'll be ok, but im still anxious to really address it. He doesn't like talking about arguments and stuff after they happen, so its hard for me to get closure from events, and it leaves me feeling guilty for a long time. I have issues letting go.

Im tired, im anxious, im sad, im worried about my brother, and i think i don't ever wanna get on a boat again, but im gonna have to, i just know it, if i want him to be happy.

At this point i had a message from my brother, asking me to get him something. Didn't make a bit deal about it, (didn't even mention to my friend what the message was about) but man, im actually a bit miffed, even now. Like,??? He knew what i went through, i was tired sore, and hashtag done?? We talked about everything later, and we're ok now, i vented and we're putting this behind us, but man, he can be annoying. My friend said some reassuring stuff, mentioned it sounded like my brother was pretty rude, and i added this next part on.

Ya know, the worst part?

My brother mainly kept insisting i get out cause he thought i was only holding back because of fear. I kept telling him i couldn't, i physically cant, cause im weak and i have bad balance. He kept giving me the "believe in yourself, you can do it" advice. He didn't believe me when i said it wasn't psychological.

He was rude, but its cause he really loves me, ya know? He cares about me a lot, and he had a lot of faith in me. He's there for me when it counts. He's also just. A bit bossy, and doesn't explain things well, and he thinks he knows best all the time, and gets mad when people don't listen to him.

Im not much better, im kinda a bit of a bitch when im angry, too, but he was clearly a lot more stressed than i was, but he absolutely thought i was panicking when i wasn't.

My brother can be a bit hard to reason with, especially in stressful moments. He kinda gets locked in a mindset, and its usually easier to just let him go through his own motions and let him make mistakes. It usually means i get bossed around. Ive been trying to make it clear to everyone i don't like being treated like a child, but its still something i keep experiencing. When it bothers me a lot, i go and talk about it when everything settles.

He tries to be respectful of me and listen, which is why i tolerate it. We have a good relationship, i swear, its just. Difficult. When hes good, hes great, hes a good person, but hes also got some genuine problems, and so do i, and we need to communicate.

I was really rattled yesterday, basic stuff was thrown off, and i had minor difficulty focusing, and i was really sore. I found a bruise i didn't know i had, and i don't bruise easily. Ive been keeping the antiseptic on everything that needs it, and they're healing well.

He says it'll be a while before we go in that boat again. He does still want to go fishing, but hes gonna take me to various ponds and stuff instead. I just wanna go to the beach. He joked about how we can fish on the beach too. He laughed at the dirty look i gave him. I know hes not that serious.

Also, we saw manatees! I have some video, but it doesn't show em well. Its sad how that was by far not the highlight of the day.

[tiens-letters]

with these hands, I vowed to love you

with these hands, I vowed to care for you

and with these hands, I ruined you

Childe (angst)

tw : slight gore and just pure pain

...

It was that time of the year again, going back to the snowy region was a bliss for you. Having to visit your fiancée's family was an unspoken tradition after he introduced you to them. They practically took you in as one of them immediately, especially that little angel brother of his.

Teucer.

The train ride was comfortable , the window giving you the familiar beauty of the snowy landscape of snezhenaya. It was snug inside the rather spacious compartment Childe rented out, even when you told him that you'd rather share a normal one due to your thrifty nature he'd shrug it off, claiming it that he has too much mora and nowhere to spend it on other than you.

Gifts from him would scare you as you knew these weren't anywhere cheap. Everything he gave was expensive, he loved showering you in gifts and it made you feel so overwhelmed.

"Ajax, you're spending too much." you were visibly sweating beside him as he picked out another one of the dresses on display at the local boutique of Liyue.

"I think this one would suit you better, don't you think so love?" of course he wasn't listening, placing the dress in front of you

"Ajax." you frowned at him

" I just want to spoil you." he whines

"I know but sometimes its just..." you stopped yourself before saying anything further in fear of offending him

"Was it too much again?" the tone in his voice softens as he puts back the dress, he knew how you didn't like that habit of his, formed from the first time he saw you down by the docks.

"One dress, Ajax. One is enough since you picked it out for me." you gave in not wanting to see him so dejected, he immediately brightens up as he pecks you on cheek before rushing off to a different aisle of clothing. Sighing, you sat down on the sofa present in the shop, watching the ginger decide thoroughly of what dress to buy.

But of course, your love for one another runs deeper than things bought off gold nor silver. No, it ran deeper than anything else, rivaling the oceanic depths.

"What are you thinking about hmm?" he hums below you, head resting against your lap.

"Im just happy to be visiting again, that's all." you smile, nimble hands brushing through his soft hair "Sleep well?"

"You bet I did." he grins taking your hand and placing a kiss to your beating pulse and then another and another, showering you in his deeply rooted affection. Soon his kisses reached where they are supposed to belong, those soft lips of yours and then inching their way to the sensitive spots on your neck, leaving marks only he can place on you.

Breathless and bothered, you pushed him back "The attendants are gonna see, you idiot." at least you still had some control in you

"They will only arrive when we call them , so its fine to have a little fun before we arrive." there was that sly grin of his as he continued in where you both left off, ears perking to hear more sounds exclusively for him and him only.

"You horny bastard!"

...

It was cozy by the hearth, you and his siblings huddled together in one single fleece blanket, steaming cups of hot cocoa in hand. Childish giggles and hushed stories erupted amongst you. Teucer having wrapped in your arms as he snuggled closer. Anthon and Tonia flanking your sides.

"Hey, who's fiancé do you think you guys are coveting?"

"Oh don't be like that, your siblings just miss them." his mother chided from the couch where she sat, an open book on her lap, she didn't seem to age and always looked so young that at first you were shocked to have been introduced to her.

"But mom, I haven't seen her all day." her son pouts as if he were still a child denied his candy

"Give me a break, you're always clinging onto her you know." his sister rolls those identical thalassic eyes at him "You wont die if you go a day without her."

"Listen here you little---"

"Ajax." you interjected, as much as you enjoy the siblingly banter of theirs, you cant have them going at each other with offensive words. His pleading gaze aimed at you as he practically begged for you both to go home.

"Please?"

"After I put Teucer to bed." you sighed, standing up with the youngest in your arms

"Seriously this guy." his sister groaned "I was having a good time."

"Tonia dear, we can continue our conversations tomorrow." you winked at her, it was a promise

"Fine."

Both of you bid farewell to his mother and made your way towards Teucer's room and tucking him in.

"Happy?" you turned to your fiancée, a narrowed look in your eyes as he grinned beside you

"Of course, sweetheart!" he pecked your lips as he pulled you closer

"Can you not do it in Teucer's room? Have some shame." his siblings' comments were endless, this time it was from his older brother.

"That's why were going home." Childe picked you up as you made a surprised yelp making the other party roll his eyes "Also, get ready to lose tomorrow brother. I'm getting that white deer for my lady."

"I'm looking forward to it."

The walk was short towards Childe's home as he preferred living alone. It was a grandiose manor and you were sure you will never get used to how big it was and filled with such furnitures of the finest quality.

"Well, how was your day darling?" you hummed, arms snaking around his neck

"Oh you wouldn't believe it."

...

It was there.

You felt it in the cold breeze that wafted into the room.

A shift in the flow of the wind, it was different yet familiar at the same time. Leaving the window open as the harsh temperatures of the night climbed and crawled inside. The curtains danced in the turbulent current of the gale, carrying songs only you could hear. Songs that made mountains tremble and build civilizations at the same time.

there was something foreboding, something terrifying and something heavy and dark that devoured anything in its path.

You heard him first before he came in through those doors, that tousled ginger hair of his caked with melting snowflakes in the warm glow of the lamps. His rugged appearance caused by the hunting competition between him and his older siblings induced his worn out state. That soft yet jaded smile of his was what welcomed you as he trudged inside the bedroom, lazily discarding his clothes on the basket for dirty laundry and entering the bathroom for a quick shower.

"why is the window open? " he asks you, sliding inside the warm covers

"I just wanted fresh air ." you smile as you shut the windows and pull the blinds enough for you to see the moon that hung above the sky. Joining him under the covers, you cradled him, his head resting on the crook of your neck. Your hands finding their way into those soft locks of his , entangling them as he hummed softly against you. Those arms of his that held weapons and skin littered with scars both old and new now held you close, so tenderly as if he'd never taken a life before.

"sing me a song, sweetheart. " his queries were simple yet genuine

"of course." you sang until you equated him to a sleeping newborn

It was warm, so warm that you could have mistaken it for a summer afternoon in Liyue, resting on the couch with silken pillows and window showcasing the view of the harbor below. The steaming cups of soothing tea Beidou would brew for you when nights became cold at times she would pay you a visit after trading that would take weeks, months and rarely years.

you slept.

Why is it cold? you wondered, Did Ajax open the windows?

You were blessed by the tsaritsa so such climates shouldn't matter to you.

You woke up.

A shadow was cast over you by the man youve sung to sleep. Virulent blue eyes looked at you with so much abhorrence, for a second you couldnt recognize them and thought it was a stranger to which you were ready to terminate.

"Ajax?" your voice was hoarse, as you slowly lost the feeling in your lips.

He was crazed, still trapped in that dreaming state of his, drifting between experiences. Today was a re-enactment of a memory he would never speak of, not even to you. There were parts of him he'd never tell you, such a soul as yours should never hear.

You choked and coughed as the metallic taste of mortal ichor filled your throat. How could you have not felt anything earlier? Was it because of your futile attempts to coax Ajax back into reality or was it because of the numerous thoughts your mind came up with to he answer as to why he is in such a virulent state. Excruciating pain filled your whole body as you writhed and struggled under his grip. It felt as if something was being ripped out of you.

"Ajax, darling come back to me." you cried, it took so much to even utter a word as you bled out, you know not where but you could feel it. The liquid vital for your survival was seeping out of you, flowing like a lazy river on an autumns day, only that it was warm, sticky and addicting.

"Ajax?" a hiss comes from that mouth, he cringes as you freed your numb hands to hold his face and he let you, seeing as to there was no point in stopping you as you dangerously danced on a tight rope of life and death. You couldn't tell in that delirious disposition of yours if his eyes were shifting between Ajax or the primal eyes of a beast hunting its prey.

It wasn't too late was it?

But why didn't your eyes meet his?

Who snuffed out all the lights?

"I've abandoned that name a long time ago."

The cold took over you completely, freezing you until you broke under his touch with words left dying in your ichor filled lips

and then fear was the last thing you felt.

fear that he might not return to his sweet, charming self.

fear that he will curse everything in his path.

fear that he might attempt to use different various methods to bring back what was lost

and fear of his ruination.

you care not for your death, even in your last minutes of life, you dare not blame him for what he's endured so far. only wishing he never had to experience such in the first place.

This is what the wind warned you about in its lullaby.

...

Childe woke up for the second time.

Oddly more worn out than the day before, but your songs always worked, how come? . He wondered if you left to make breakfast as the covers felt empty as he reached out for you. No, you were a late riser, always having to slumber in the middle of the warm covers of the bed you both share. It was he who mostly did the cooking in the morning. So your presence gone was a displacement in the moment of his waking.

His eyes had to adjust to the view of the room as he sat up, a yawn escaping his lips as he called for you. The pitter-patter sound of the water on the bathroom tiles were non-existent as he strained his ears to hear for any trace of you.

"What..." he was confused as to why the room was trashed, furniture broken in half and strewn about the room, the drapes shredded and laying on the floor and the mirror shattered to pieces, shards sharp enough to cut through skin yet he slept through such a thing?

his first concern was your safety as you had not been present in the room and it him.

the heavy stench of blood lingered in the air. His enjoyment for such things turned into something suffocating because blood was never shed in his own home nor in his very room. In the state of confusion, something dark caught his peripheral vision. A large blemish in the covers beside him, it was dyed a deep dark crimson and he knew well what it was. He began to shake in worry, telling himself not to panic until he finds you safe. All he could remember was you singing him to sleep, held captive in your soft arms, encased in your warmth, so how did it come to such a morning that looked like a result of a monster's tantrum. He calls out for you, his bare feet on the floor as splinters punctured them and he didnt care. he had to find you.

The hallways looked haunting, the portraits on the walls taunting him and he swore he was going lose it if he hadnt found you sooner, every room was achingly vacant and it felt like a dream. He calls for your name again in a frenzy as he rushes through the place, had the mansion been this big? he thinks as he runs down the stairs.

There in the fireplace, the dying embers of fire lit from the night before, wood giving away and turning into coal as the burning smell mingled with similar stench that engulfed the bedroom, the same dark liquid on the sheets was present as well, only that it was painted into the wall and bled down creating a cascading waterfall.

Because there you were, with arms spread out as if welcoming each and every sinner for solace and blessing them with forgiveness, the drying mortal ichor behind you creating a halo. Your lips upturned into something soft as if you'd do anything disgraceful to keep the effeminacy on a soul lost to ruin.

an angel crucified.

that oh so heavenly face of yours could rival anything beautiful, even statues would crumble under you, nations would go to war for you and bodies of those who want you would turn into a throne built for you and you only. You were immortally ethereal even in death.

Ajax, dear sweet Ajax felt his legs give away, energy having siphoned from him as he trembled so much that it could rival the mountains when they shook. Thalassic eyes, wide blown into grief, anguish and all other emotions crashed against him like strong waves that could drown anyone caught up in it. He knelt as pain spread through him like wildfire, burning, scorching and killing. Agonized cries filled the room and if someone were to pass by, they couldve mistaken it for a dying animal. He gasped and choked on his own breath as he dared to look at you, the tears freely flowing from his eyes, down to his pale cheek and finally falling off his trembling chin to be hungrily absorbed by the carpeted floor that was also tarnished by ichor.

He felt crazed as he wept and in that moment of insanity, he remembered. That most disgusting sin he's ever committed that he should never be pardoned for in the life he has right now and the next ones he will be in. Through the blur of tears, he saw his hands and he wished he didnt.

Sullied hands befitting a murderer.

He screams into the ground, doubling over as his hands find their way into his hair, gripping it and ripping out those jacinthe locks of his. He could never forgive himself now and he never will. He wails out loud until his own throat collapsed into a croaking mess.

and then he couldnt find himself no longer.

The sand of time seemed to trickle down slowly. His eldest siblings came looking for him, to continue the hunt. A once peaceful encounter turned into a nightmarish reality as they witnessed their brother rocking back and forth with you gingerly wrapped in his arms, mumbling your name. Lips pressed to your forehead as he prayed and begged for forgiveness over and over in hushed torn whispers as if it were enough to bring you back and cover that gaping hole in your abdomen.

"What did you do?"

...

"Brother, when are they coming back?"

Oh darling Teucer, innocence reflecting off his eyes as he tugged on his brother's sleeve. The toy you gifted him clutched tightly at his side.

"I dont know kid, their mission was sudden so its best to wait. Can you do that Teuc?" the truth about you was kept behind closed doors, only adults can speak of and if they did, it took time to keep the conversation smooth and off of any grief nor sadness when your name reached their tongue. The younger ones would never know until the time is right. When everything was taken care of and hearts moved on. 

Your funeral was held in secrecy yet was it was grand. Something that would hold the significance of your memories with them. It was beautiful, your favorite flowers lined along your coffin, and you. Looking ever so ethereal even when death has kissed you, clad in that dress Childe bought for you. 

"uh huh!" the youngest ginger nodded eagerly and skipped away as the eldest sighed into his hands, the pressure weighing heavily on his shoulders as he worried more and more about his younger sibling. Another memory, a mind broken and a his soul withering. was there any way to save him? 

Days seemed to go by as any glimpse of the man was scarce. Until one day they ceased to see him altogether. It started at lunch, a week after the funeral when it took everyone to coax him into eating more as he lost weight  and trickled down to a whole day. Cooped up in his room, clinging to a pillow with the fading scent of you. and then he was gone, like a snowflake melting upon ones forehead. They grew anxious and thought of the worse until they caught wind that he was back in Liyue from one of the agents only then were they allowed to breathe a little better. 

"Childe, what finds you here?" the calm tone of the geo archon's voice broke him out of his trance

"Have you seen my fiance?" Zhongli blinks at the question of the harbinger, he knew what befell you and yet this man before him seemed clueless enough as to what he committed. How Childe did what he did, he seemed to sympathize with in a way that would make him understand his behavior. 

" I have not." he couldnt bring himself to tell this man the truth. Perhaps he was sparing him, spearing that mind of his into spiraling down into nothingness and a heart that was held by a thin piece of thread. "Perhaps it is better to enjoy yourself while you wait for them." 

To deviate oneself from the loss might be the best way Childe right now until his mind is ready to accept the torment of the heavy truth that would slew this man. 

"I see. " he smiles and yet it feels so empty to Childe, the reason? He wouldnt know or atleast his mind wouldnt allow him to know 

"Ill see you around then Xiansheng." 

Everything that he portrayed lacked and all he could do as he's always did. 

...........

i had to.

I hope yall would get Childe :)

[stvrs13]

My Happy Ending (pt2) ~ Ellie x fem!reader

note. sorry i cant use gif rn because of my stupid wifi. i'll change it soon if i have good connection :) enjoy!

click here to read pt 1 !

[ summary ]

Patrol is a disaster but to make it worst, you went out with the 2 people you hate at the moment. Ellie and Dina. (lmao i suck at summary)

warnings: angst,swearing, kinda sexual themes

"There you are!" Maria cheerfully walk towards you. You could feel your heart beating faster as you walk closer to the stables, you know this would be a disaster. She met you halfway of your walk and discuss about patrol while you were practically dying inside.

"Their waiting for you at the gate, I will talk to you later. Stay safe y/n!" said Maria who is turning away from you. You were about to say something when a hand touch your shoulder gently. Turning around, you see the one and only Ellie Williams.

"what" You spoke furiously, Not having the mood to talk to her. She sighed quietly before replying, "you ready?". Nodding, she point at your horse waiting outside with Dina standing beside Ellie's horse. You walk towards them, not saying a single word to Ellie.

Ellie follows beside you and sneakily place her arms around your waist. "what are you doing?" you pulled away from her touch, a little uncomfortable. "cant i touch my girl?" Ellie smirks. You scoff, walking further away from her until you reach the gate. "hey" Dina grins and hands you Rafe's (OC horse huh sorry obx fans 💀😂) rein.

You grab it swiftly, looking at her with a blank face. not in the mood to talk with her too. You have every right to be angry, and have every right to treat them unsatisfactorily because they made a mistake espicially Ellie.

You pat Rafe's head lightly while listening to the man giving instructions when you see Ellie walking towards your side. You ignore it somehow, thinking that maybe she was just gonna walk past you but you were wrong.

She stop beside you and tug you closer to her, making your body turn and press against her. "Ellie! what the fuck?!" you whisper-yell, pushing her away. She chuckles and pulled you by your waist, leaning in for a kiss. You immediately push her away. A little too hard though as she stumble backwards and hits Shimmer's side, making the horse whine.

Some of the adults look towards your way and some teens laughing. Dina just sighs and mounts Shimmer. Ellie stands there, looking at you angrily. You dont care though. Maybe.

The man finish his discussions and told the patrols to head out, all of you following his orders. Ellie gave you one last glance while she whistles for the horse to trot and went off like a rocket. You groan in annoyance and followed her.

»»

It's been an hour or two since you were in this trail and its killing you. Ellie giving you the glances and the awkward silence. Dina somehow getting tired of it, started a conversation. "it's peaceful out here" smiling as she look around the trees. Ellie nods and glances at you for the millionth time. "I think its just a bit further till we arrive at the lookout." Dina point towards north.

Still silence....

"look, y/n we're sorry! We shouldn't have done that, we just-" Dina frowns. "This is bullshit. We're not talking about this now." You interupt her, giving them a glare.

Ellie mumbles something but you couldn't hear it due to the wind. Dina just nod at what Ellie's statement is and stayed quiet.

It's been 10 min since that happened and you were currently tying Rafe's rein to a fence when Ellie unknowingly slap your ass. You gasped and turn towards her, "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" you yelled, seeing her smirking and letting out a chuckle.

"c'mon I know you love it." Ellie replied. crossing her arms, leaning her side to the wall. You scoff and rolled your eyes, "I dont have time for this." walking away for no more further actions from her.

"okay so.. the lookout is right over there but Maria told us to check this shop for supplies before we head to the lookout." Dina sighs, stroking Shimmer's hair. You nod and open the door. Not caring if there are infected inside.

Unbeknownst, a clicker was infront of you and when it heard the door creak open, it immediately push you to the ground. "FUCK!" you growled as you struggle against the clicker. You tried reaching for your switchblade, which Ellie gave before but failed as it was thrown away from the side due to the clicker moving its hands around.

Ellie ran towards you and immediately kick the clicker's head leading to a gunshot being heard as you were laying there closing your eyes. "fuck, are you good?" Ellie kneels and checks your figure. You open your eyes and mumbled a "yes" before getting up hastily. "hey, slow down" Dina gently held your arm. You immediately shove your arm away when you felt a pain on your elbow.

"shit. you have wounds" Ellie mutters, immediately gripping your wrist and leading you towards your horse. "im fine"

Ellie doesn't listen though as she unties your horse rein and demands for you to ride the horse. You obey otherwise, getting angry as to Ellie pretending that she cares.

Dina did the same too, riding Shimmer while Ellie holding the rein for your horse to walk slowly. "Ellie, I said im fine. We should check-"

"Stop with the bullshit, y/n. Your hurt." Ellie spoke furiously, giving you a serious glance.

Dina stopped Shimmer as the three of you arrived at the lookout. Ellie tied Rafe's rein to a post and immediately held her hand out for you to hold as you dismount the horse. You didn't accept it as you jump away from the horse.

Dina open the wooden door and waits for the two of you to come in, "Im gonna sign our names, Y/n clean up." Closing the door, Ellie immediately pulled you into the closest room and lock the door. Leaving Dina outside the room.

"Damn it y/n, why are you being reckless? that was so stupid." she mumbles, throwing her bag to the table and opening it to find some bandages. You rolled your eyes.

"sit" Ellie demands, glancing at the chair then back at you. Sighing, you lazily walk towards it and sat on it. "arms up"

"oh my gosh, Ellie im fine" you look at her, only to see her giving you the "serious demand type" look. (ngl stubborn ellie is adorbz) "you know what-" stands, "stop pretending that you care"

"I do-" Ellie whispered, "then why the fuck did you do it?!" you semi-yell at her, raising your hands slightly at your side. "the what-"

"stop being stupid Ellie! you know what I mean" You got up your sit and tried walking past her but she grip your wrist, making you look at her.

Ellie pushed you to the wall, putting her hand beside your head while the other places on your waist, "you know- your hot when your all like this. pretending to be mad at what i've done, you think I didn't caught on to that, babe?"

She pulled you closer to which both of your bodies pressed against each other and she immediately lean in, which shocked you. You push her away not long after, "Are you stupid?! Ellie. You cheated on me!! and now you act like it didn't just happened?!" yelling at her.

Ellie smirks and harshly grab your ass, pulling you closer again. "Damn it, Ellie! Let go!!" you cried out. Ellie didn't obey as she kept sucking your neck and squeezing your ass.

Pushing her harder this time, she stands back giving you an angry look. "dont make me go rough on you, y/n" she smirks, unbuttoning her jeans. You push her again, this time a little more harsh as she hit the side of the table.

Sighing, "okay" she mumbled. "Me and Dina were just having fun-" "yeah well no shit." you spoked, all the anger bottling up inside you. "and im sorry-"

" 'sorry' isn't gonna fix our relationship, Ellie! You cheated on me!!" you could feel tears streaming down your cheeks as you yelled at Ellie. "and then you acted like it didn't happen and being all around me at public?! your not being yourself Ellie!!"

sighing, "just tell me...tell me that you dont love me anymore.. please.. I dont wanna just go on with our relationship thinking that you love me but you truly not.. this is just a waste of our time." you look her in the eyes, seeing nothing but an angry ones. shocked that she wipe her tears away, "fine, we're done. your nothing but a useless bitch." the last part that Ellie said went straight to your heart, making you feel broken and fragile even more. She look at you one last time before leaving the room, slamming the door shut.

~

DAMN so i've tried to my best to write it really well and sorry if my grammar or spelling is bad lmao, english is not my first language so yeah. also this is kinda short bruhhh hope you like this story and dont worry im gonna make a pt 3 💭 love ya friends! ~ Jazmine ( name reveal :) )

[x3kristax3]

Part 18

They all get up and walk out. Jake grabs the TV remote and puts on my favorite comedy.

I sit on his lap and lean into him.

"Thank you for ending that call" i say

He wipes the tears from my face "i know what its like to not be wanted  i cant even imagine what your feeling right now." As he hold me tight.

We finish the movie and his phone goes off with a phone call.

I get up and go to grab a drink

"Hey Jessy, everything okay?" He says

"Yeah just calling to check up on her. Ashley wants to come back." She says

He looks at me in the kitchen and sees me pour a cup of whiskey "well she just grabbed the jack" he says

"Shit we will be there soon" says dan

"Drive safe" jake says as he hangs up

He comes into the kitchen "why did you tell them?" I ask

"Because they care about you too but they knew you and me needed alone time today" he says

"Yeah not of the alone time i wanted" i say as i gulp down the whiskey and grab it again

"Maybe you shouldn't" he says grabbing the bottle

"Let me have the bottle or leave me alone" i say

He walks out grabbing all the alcohol and sits in the living room. I follow him storming out of the kitchen trying to grab one "no im not letting you drink your emotions away" he says as Dan comes storming in as i try and reach for them. He grabs my waist and picks me up pulling me back into the kitchen

"No Krista" he says

"You owe me that Dan i let you drink your emotions when Jessy stood you up at the Black Swan" i say as i fall to the floor in tears

Ashley comes running in "just let her guys" she says

"No we're not letting her do that. Things go wrong and that's what she turns too" says Jake coming in empty handed

Im sitting on the floor balling my eyes out into my lap. Jessy comes around Jake and dan and sits next me hugging me.

"None of us know what shes feeling inside because none of us have dealt with this feeling. This isnt losing someone or a heartbreak or getting stood up. Her parents faked their death and now want back into her life like nothing happened" ashley yells before she bolts out to the living room and grabs the jack and brings it in. " if she wants to drink until shes numb of this feeling then as her friends and boyfriend we need to let her" she says handing me the bottle.

I don't even take it as im shaking. Jake realizes he messed up and asks Jessy to move and sits where she was and pulls me into him. I push away but he doesnt give up the fight until i breakdown again. He grabs the bottle from ashley and hands it to me "I'm sorry when you drink like this it just scares me" he says

I grab the bottle and open it and take a big gulp. He looks in my eyes and he can tell im hurt and i feel lost.

Ashley sees it and sits in front of me and rubs my calfs. "I know its hard Kris. You will make it through this just like you did that fire" she says

"I don't want to see them. I wish they never called me" i cry into Jake

"Okay ill text them" says Ashley grabbing my phone from the counter 

I know i told you i wanted to see you but right now I just can't this is just way to much after everything she types and send

The text comes back okay we understand if you ever change your mind let us know. 

Ashley puts my phone back.

Dan goes to grab the bottle of jack and i look at him and hold it tight "Don't do it" i say

"I was gonna sit here and drink with you" he says

"Theres another bottle in the living room. You don't want that fight" says Jake

Dan goes and grab the other bottle and everytime i take a drink he takes one.

Everyone sits in the kitchen with me just talking and comforting me until i pass out.

*******

I wake up in my bed not sure how i got there. I sit up and have a pounding headache. I go into the bathroom and grab some meds and a drink. 

Im leaning over the counter looking like a hot mess as Jake comes up.

"How you feeling?" He asks as he turns the light on

" like i was hit by a train. How much did i drink?" I ask

"Well you where given a full bottle and there is only 1/4th of it left" he says grabbing a towel and wetting it with cold water putting it around my neck

"Is everyone still here?" I ask

"Just me and Ashley. We made you dinner and just been hanging out waiting for you to wake up. She passed out on the couch i was about to leave when i heard you"

"Im sorry i just couldn't"  i say

He cuts me off "no dont apologize. I was just worried about you drinking yourself to death. I did come up here while you were pasted out and kept checking to make sure you were okay"

I lean into him… "can you stay or do you need to go home?" I ask

"I'll stay want me to grab you food?" He says

"Ill go get it." I say starting to walk to the stairs and fall on my bed

"Ill bring it up"

I lay there for a moment and he comes back up and Ashley is following him

"You had us worried" she says "ive never seen you like that"

"Well you dont expect to get a phonecall from whats suppose to be your dead parents" i say

"Yeah i get that. I helped Jake make your favorite hangover meal" she says

"Oh man i haven't had a chance to show him this yet" i say

"Ill give you girls some time alone. Gonna clean up the kitchen." He says leaving.

I start eating " so do you think you could make room in this loft for me?" She asks

"What about your job?" I say

"Its completely remote so i wouldnt lose it" she says

"I mean id have to lose my closet" i say laughing 

"Just kidding but i did see the 1 bedroom loft here available and it's a thought but you know i love the city"

"I feel that when i moved to the city it was perfect for me the convenience and fun of everything but then i met this bunch and came and visit and yeah you know the rest" i say

"Im probably only gonna stay till the end of week. I know your in good hands. But seriously if you find another one like him send him my way" she smiles

I laugh "i will you just have to open your eyes out of your type"

"Well he is your type. So you didnt" 

"Yeah but i had no idea what he looked liked when i fell for him. For all i knew he could of been the type that i normally turn away but it was those feelings"

"Maybe i need to try blind dates" she laughs 

"Hey your a detective it could be fun" i laugh 

"But i'm gonna go to sleep. Ill send Jake back up here" she says taking my plate and heads down the stairs

"Hey ash"

"Yeah" she says looking over her shoulder

"Thanks for always being in my corner. Even when everyone else from that part of my life stopped talking to me" 

"Thats what best friends are for." She gets half way down the steps "you might want to come see this" she says

I get up and walk to where she is and jake is sitting at the kitchen table and sleeping

"Ill go wake him up" i say as we head downstairs. I stand next to him and run my fingers through his hair. He instantly grabs my waist and pulls me into him "lets go to sleep" i say

"No I'm okay" he says half asleep

Ashley smiles at us and i grab his hand and he follows me and i get him upstairs and into bed.

Im laying there and can't sleep. I go to grab my phone and see Dan online

What you doing awake at 5am?🤔 i text him

Same as you i passed out and wide awake. I was the only one to keep up with you. He sends

Well thank you for not letting me drink alone. Jake and ashley both just pasted out after taking care of me. Im sorry for the way i acted by the way i send

You need to apology to Jake he took the bottles and thankfully i came in when i did otherwise you were about to start hitting him. He sends back 

You seriously… i dont remember that and he didnt tell me that. I guess i need to make up yesterday to him. 😢 i send

I will tell you…. I hope to never see that side of you again. You scared all of us between your mood swings from crying to swinging in seconds and you're drinking. He says

Dan make me a promise…. No matter what i do if you ever see me like that again do not let me drink. I don't remember any of this. I don't care if you have to knock me out. I give you complete permission to do whatever you have to do.  I sat

I promise…. Did you tell this to Jake too? Dan says

No but i will and Jessy too. Yesterday i didn't want to deal with all the emotions i was feeling and now i'm scared. Last time this Krista came out was when I lost my job and that guy i say honestly scared

It's gonna be okay. I won't let you go down that path again. He texra

Thanks i send back

[laboflove]

Oikawa & Iwa X FR

•Aged up•

Word Count- 2363

❗Warnings❗{Smut, angst, praising, infatuation, ridiculing, cheating, body shaming}

A/N: Thicc Y/N who's dating Oikawa and although he says he loves her it doesnt seem that way.

He smiles as he sees your eyebrows pushed together, you were always so cute when you were angry, he just wanted to keep making fun of you to see that face. "Tooru" you suddenly say making his smile fade, "Yeah?" He says confused and your phone buzzes, "Nevermind, I have to go, Iwa is here" you say then kiss his cheek before leaving.

A frown forms on his face as he sees you walk off, you were always hanging out with Iwaizumi. It made him mad because you were HIS girlfriend not Iwaizumi's. He huffs then leaves as well, whatever, hed just make you remember how great it is to date him.

You walk in to find him on your bed and he smiles, "Hey" you both say, you climb onto the bed forgetting about today at work and he pulls you onto his chest. "Did you gain weight? Damn" he says with a chuckle making the thoughts come back, "I think, I'll lose it dont worry" you whisper as you move off and onto the side.

He pulls you close, his hands trailing your body making you anxious, you werent skinny like other girls, you had curves and Oikawa would always tease you about it, middle school to now and you always tried to lose weight but youd gain it back. An endless cycle and honestly the last thing you wanted right now was for him to be touching you like this.

Yet you dont stop him, instead closing your eyes and trying to fall asleep but his hands get more touchy, soon enough spreading your legs. "Not tonight Tooru" and his frown appears again, that's the second time this week you've called him that. "Okay" he says then turns around and you both fall asleep, one angry and confused and the other filled with dark thoughts.

"I just dont understand, shes been calling me Tooru this entire week, why?" He says as he passes the ball to Iwa, "Its your name" He says making him huff. He knew it was his name but you've never called him that before, so why now?!

"I dont like it, she never calls me that so why now? Did I do something wrong?" He says and Iwa stops, "You always make fun of her, im surprised she hasn't dumped you yet" and Oikawa's mouth goes dry. His biggest worry, something he never wants to happen, for you two to break up, you meant everything to him, youd always lift him up, give him pointers and take care of him. You couldn't leave him, you're all he had.

"S-she knows I'm just kidding, I don't mean any of it" he says then the ball flies towards him, "Iwa-!", "It always sounds like you mean it, you tell her shes fat, that shes not pretty enough, that she isnt smart, terrible shit but you never say that you're just kidding. Even then you shouldnt say shit like that to someone who already deals with criticism as it is, you especially shouldn't say it to her because shes your goddam girlfriend" he leaves and Oikawa clenches his fists.

"Hey!" And he looks back, "Do you like her?!" He yells out earning a nod making his blood boil, "I've liked her since middle school, even more in high school and the most right now, but she made the stupidest decision on dating you" and he walks off again.

"Youd never leave me right?" He asks as he rests his head on your chest, you dont answer making him look up with dim eyes, "You would?" He asks and you sigh, "If something were to happen yes but just breaking up with you for no reason would not happen" and he nods. "Um, what would be the reason?" He whispers remembering the conversation with Iwa, "If one of us cheats, I'd never do it but well..." you stop and he looks up at you.

"I-im sorry, I'll never hurt you like that ever again, so please dont leave me" you nod then place a kiss on his head.

He looks back at the tv but hes barely focusing on it, only remembering that night. He was drunk, saying terrible stuff and when he woke up he found you in front of him, sitting down, looking super tired and your eyes were so dry and red. He didnt know why till he looked around and found unfamiliar clothes, women's clothes.

You didnt talk to him about it, none of you brought it up and soon you were both back to normal but he knew that all trust created was gone.

His thoughts are broken by the familiar buzz pattern and you pull the phone to your ear, "Hey" you say with a smile, why cant you smile like that when you talk to him? Why doesnt your voice get all cute and soft with him? Why is it only with Iwa?

"Oh I'm with Oikawa" you say as your hand runs through his hair, he smiles and even more as you rest it on his cheek. "I-iwa" your hand twitches slightly and he can feel your aura change, "Dont call me until your done with that crap, God, you're worse than Oikawa" you put your phone down and he looks up at you.

"What's wrong?" He asks but you shake your head, "Its nothing, just Iwa being a bit of an asshole" he nods and you look at the tv.

"He doesnt love you, he says all that shit which he shouldnt be saying, what if he cheats on you again huh? "

You let out a sigh then close your eyes, uh oh, you're pissed.

"Hey" you hear, turning around you see them and shoot a smile, "Hey guys" you say as you slowly come to a stop. "Whatre you doing here?" One asks, "Oh uh well you know working out" you say and they nod. "Any specific reason? You look perfect already" you laugh making them confused, "Yeah right, if I was Oikawa wouldnt judge me 24/7" you say and they tilt their heads.

"Anyways, I'm gonna get back to this" you say with a small smile and they head to the other side, "Whatre you thinking?" Akaashi asks as Bokuto glares in your direction. "I'm thinking that I want to kill Oikawa", "As much as I'd love to help you do that, its illegal" he says and he huffs. "Only if i get caught".

"Whatre you doing?" He asks as his arms wrap around your waist, you step off and you smile, "Yes" you say and he rubs your stomach, it's not as squishy as before. "I finally lost 15 pounds" you whisper with a large smile and although he should be congratulating you it doesnt make sense. "Whyd you lose weight?" He asks and you look back, "For you, you wanted me to lose it remember?" You say and he looks at you in the mirror.

"I'll love you no matter what", "Haha, yeah right Mr. I want a trophy wife who's beautiful and perfect" you say then move away, his heart clenches hearing you say the words he regrets telling you. He didn't want anyone but you.

"Y-you know I love you right?" He says and you look at him, you dont say anything making his heart break. "I do Tooru, it's just hard to believe" and he looks down, "Okay".

"Y/N" he says for the thousandth time this night, "Are you even listening to me?! It's like you dont care about me! You're always off with Iwaizumi doing God knows what! Why cant you just love me! Only me!" The tears keep falling but you dont look back and you dont let a sob escape. For three days it's been like this, him finding anything to ridicule about and making sure you knew how terrible of a girlfriend you were.

You stand then look at the tree your parents gave you, well it was meant for both of you, something to resemble your love for each other, always growing and alive till death.

A sigh escapes your lips and you walks up to it, "Just as I suspec-", "If I cut this down does that mean were done too?" You ask surprising him. "What does that mean?" He asks and you turn to look at him, "I want to break up" and he looks down. You're crying, you're actually crying, hes never seen you cry, you always refused to look at him whenever you did so hes never got to see it and he wishes he never did.

"Why?", "Why? Why?! Why else Tooru?! Every second I spend with you hurts me! The love in our relationship cant even compare to the amount of pain there is! You give me so much shit and i try to be better, i try to become someone perfect for you but theres always something! I dont love Iwa like I love you! I never have! I only love you but it's like you dont think i do! Even though you're the one that cheated! You're the one that broke the trust! I should've broke up with you before!" You cover your mouth realizing what you just said and you look away.

You were right but why did you say all that stuff to him, he looks at you but quickly looks away. "I'm leaving" you say then rush past him, "W-where are you going?" He asks as he follows you upstairs, you couldn't leave, not like this. He has to say sorry, he has to fix it, he cant lose you!

"I dont know but I cant stay here" you pack stuff up as you avoid his hands, "No" he suddenly says as you reach for the front door. "Bye" you leave in a rush and he looks around, "NO! GET BACK HERE!" and he falls to ground. It actually happened, you left him, you left him and it's his fault, who's going to love him now? Who's going to help him when he gets sick and who's he going to tease?

He leans in as he holds you close, "I love you" he whispers but you stop him, "Its been two months yet you still push me away", "I didnt have sex with Tooru till we were five months in" you say but he doesnt stop, "Oh c'mon, you know you want to so ju-", "Can you stop? I'm really not in the mood for anything like this" you say as you push his hands away from your stomach and thighs.

"Oh I get it" he says as he pins your hands above your head, "You think I'm like Oikawa, that I'll point out your flaws, that I'll think you're ugly, that I dont actually want you" he says into your ear and you look away, he was right and you both knew that. "Well guess what, we all have flaws, I dont think you're ugly and damn do I want you" he kisses you hard but your squirm in his embrace.

"N-no Iwa stop" you let out with a soft moan as he rubs his knee against your clothed heat, "Why? We both want this, you just cant admit it" his tongue trails up your neck as you resist him only making him want you more. "So soft and you always smell so good" he murmurs as you grind against his knee although your mind is saying you dont want this.

"So pretty, especially these moans" desperate whines leave your mouth as he slowly undresses you, "Heh, I think we should take this to the bed" he says as he looks down at your naked body.

Your arms cover yourself as much as they can as he lifts you bridal style, "M-maybe we should wait, i-i should lose a few m-", "Shut the hell up or else I will tie you up" you nod fast and he places you on the bed. "Fuck me" you turn red seeing his eyes take you in, he reaches for his shirt and you move up to help him but he pushes you down making you bounce a bit.

"Stay right there" he undresses as you watch, once hes done he spreads your legs making your body heat up and filling you with so many emotions. "So perfect" he says as he pushes in slowly, you hiss slightly at the feeling you havent felt in such a long time. "Ah- no, Haji-!" He thrusts harder and faster making the frame hit the wall, over and over.

"So warm, so tight and it feels so good" moans leave his mouth making you bite your lip, this felt so different, way too different. "Dont think about him" he says as he thrusts hard sending your eyes wide open, "I-I dont know how he fucked you, or if hes a goddamn sub but dont! Fucking! Think about him!" He growls out with a thrust each time, feeling angry that even now you're still thinking about him. "Sorrysorrysorry!"

Pants leave his mouth as cries leave yours, "God I love you, I love you so much" he mutters as he looks at your pink cheeks and tears falling down your face, he lowers next to your ear as one hand holds your thigh as the other holds your head close to him. "I love the way you just clamp around me" his hips slow down, grinding against you, "I feel like coming every time I thrust into you, that's how good you feel" you tighten around him as the praises keep coming.

Why did this feel so good? Just his words were getting you there and it was so embarrassing that he made you feel this way. "I just cant believe that the woman I've loved since I was 13 is finally mine, that were here together and you're in my arms" he stops to kiss you and you sniffle slightly, "You can come now" a soft cry fills the room as you come and he thrusts a bit more leading to groans and a warm feeling in your core.

"You're mine, only mine".

[whosaskingwrites]

A Thousand Times (Osamu x Reader)

A/n: I'm gonna be real this took so long because I just didn't know what to do? And then I started a various! Haikyu x reader. But I got this done finally so if you've been waiting for this one here it is. Also I just really like putting Osamu through the ringer huh? I'm so sorry bby. And Forget You beat out Unrequited for top one-shot recently!

WARNINGS: Angst. There's one mention of assault as well. Told from third person Osamu p.o.v

Date: Friday November 6th, 2020

Details: 5 pages 1,800 words

Theme: Star Tears- The victim cries tiny star-shaped tears. They are extremely painful and eventually cause the victim to go blind. They produce a dim glow and make a light 'Tinkling' sound when they hit the ground. The blindness can be cured if the person the victim loves makes a statement of love and means it.

Angst Masterlist

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

There were so many other ways this was supposed to go. He thought while he looked at her. She stood twirling around the white dress catching the light and sparkling. She was beautiful to him and of course someone else thought so or else they wouldn't be here right now.

But here they were. 'Maybe' he thought if he hadn't been a coward then it would have been him dancing with her in a suit while she wore a white gown. It would have been him telling her he loved her. It would have been him calling her Mrs. Miya as they danced. Maybe he should have told her the day of their first date. While he helped her pick an outfit she had been panicked.

"Calm down Y/n," She scoffed in response "Calm down? Samu you and I both know I've never been on a date before. And now I'm going on one with my childhood best friend!" He watched her his heart rate picking up as she held up different clothes in the mirror.

"It's not that big of a deal y'know? He's known you pretty much your whole life," He stated feeling uncomfortable helping her. Maybe making her more nervous would be a better idea so she'd cancel and they could spend the day together. "I guess you're right but still! It's different now!" She stated. "Okay just...Treat it normally and you'll be fine,"

She went into the closet coming out in a cute outfit that fit her b/t figure just right. "Alright Samu I'm off. Wish me luck!" He waved by as she ran out the door a bright smile on her face and excitement in her eyes. He stood heading back to his own house with slow steps.

Arriving home he closed the door to his room intent on hiding away from everyone. He laid down staring at the ceiling as the familiar burning sensation built up behind his eyes.

"Fuck," he mumbled when he heard it the soft twinkle of a star tear and the pale glow that lit up a small area around his bed. More of them fell sparking pain in his eyes and across his face. The pain followed the trail left behind by the glowing stars and despite his best efforts to shove his palm into his eyes and stop the tears it didn't work.

"You know I didn't even think they liked each other!" Osamu tuned into her moms voice and then he heard his own mother speak and he sighed. "I know! I always thought she'd end up with Osamu not...," He tuned out knowing what they were talking about. He didn't need to listen anymore.

"Samu what's wrong with ya?" Atsumu was looking at him with judgement. His arms were crossed in front of him clearly upset and honestly he didn't blame Atsumu. "Nothing's wrong with me," He answered him. "Bullshit," His own eyes narrowed at his brother "I just don't like it okay?" Atsumu rolled his eyes "I told you you wouldnt," Atsumu voiced.

"Osamu," He looked to the right his eyes meeting the blank pair of Kita's. "Kita," he answered back watching Kita gesture with his hand. He stood following Kita outside throwing one last glance over his shoulder at Y/n as she danced around with Aran her dress sparking like freshly fallen snow.

"What is it Kita?" He asked when the two of them were outside. "You have to let her go Osamu," Kita voiced quietly. "I cant let her go," He said back. "Osamu...You shouldn't love her...Not when it causes this," Kita gestured to his face where the star tears were already prevalent. 

"And you especially shouldn't love her now that she just got married," Kita sent him a pointed look. "I would go blind over and over if it meant I could love her," He answered the male staring forward. The wind softly brushed them causing their hair to flutter. "Osamu...We all know we didn't expect it to go this far...but he loves her so you have to let her go," They heard a series of dull thumps against the ground turning they saw Atsumu jogging over.

"Hey what are you two doing out here?" Atsumu stopped as he got closer a wide smile decorating his face. "Oh we were just catching some air y'know," Kita easily responded handing Osamu his handkerchief as he stepped infront of him, blocking him from Atsumu's view. He wiped his eyes quickly hiding the star tears before they could give him away.

"Shouldn't you be inside Tsumu?" He voiced at his brother while said male hummed. "Ah they don't need me in there right now. Sakusa’s getting drunk and Bokuto’s dancing with Y/n," He flinched at the last part of the sentence. Though Atsumu never seemed to notice "Isn't Bokuto drunk? Are you sure they should be dancing?" Atsumu shrugged at Kita's question. "I think they'll be fine," Atsumu adjusted the sleeves of his button up with a hum as if he was truly thinking it over.

"You know maybe I should go-," "There you are!" The group looked past Atsumu. Y/n was there a bright smile on her face her hands were wrapped into the skirt of her wedding dress. Her head was tilted to the side eyes crinkling in pure mirth. "Hey what are you doin' out here?" Atsumu asked turning to face her. "Ah Bokuto passed out Akaashi and Hinata are sitting him down now. But I think the party is wrapping up soon," she giggled it was a light sound and God did Osamu love it.

"Alright we'll be back over soon. Kita can you bring the lovely bride back to the party?" Atsumu asked with a small smile. "Alright ya flirt," Y/n said with a laugh taking Kita's arm as they walked back. Atsumu sighed as he sat down. "So...I know you're upset about this...," Atsumu started off quietly.

"Im not upset Tsumu...I had my chance and I blew it," He voiced. Atsumu sighed as he stood up heading back to the party. "Hey Tsumu," He said looking at his brothers back. Atsumu turned back facing him with a questioning look. "You told me that if at any point I wanted her you'd back off...I know that deals off the table now so just...don't hurt her okay?" 

Atsumu shook his head "Im not going to hurt her Samu...She's everything to me," He raised a hand up to push his hair back the light from a nearby lamppost reflected off his ring. "You didn't even like her at first," He scoffed.

"Look Samu we all know you like her!" Atsumu claimed with an eye roll. "No i don't. You're just being stupid," He denied quickly just like every other time. "Alright fine Samu. I'll give you a deal," he rolled his eyes at his brothers provocation. "What?" He asked "You either ask her out by the end of the week or I do," Atsumu challenged.

He scrunched his nose in distaste "You don't even like her why would you ask her out?" He asked. "To spur you on. If you tell me to back off at any point I will y'know?" Atsumu said. "So you're just gonna string along our childhood best friend for this?" He asked incredulously. "No she'll get over it," Atsumu shrugged. "No. I'm not letting you string her along," He stated.

"You're right I didn't," Atsumu hummed in agreement. "But I love her now and that's what matters," He stared off into the distance with a smile. "You remember the day I told her I loved her? It was an accident too," he laughed.

They were playing at nationals. Atsumu and him were third years now and Y/n was watching from the stands. She wore Atsumu's jersey and everytime they looked at her she made a face at them before trying to get away from the guy next to her. Atsumu glared at the guy mumbling something under his breath "Let's finish this game," he angrily said. Sending one last glare at the man.

They finished the game with a service ace from Atsumu and as soon as the whistle blew Y/n raced down to the court the strange guy following her. She showed up on court with a smile "Tsumu!" He turned and on instinct Atsumu smiled as well. "Y/n," she hugged Atsumu while his nose crinkled. "Babe I'm all sweaty!" She pulled away placing a kiss on his cheek. "Dont care! I'll be outside okay?" She said skipping off.

Only five minutes later they were leaving the building looking for Y/n. Only for the team to pause as they spotted her. She stood trying to get away and the stranger that was in the stands with her was harshly gripping her wrist. "Come on baby I just wanna show you a good time!" "No thank you!" Atsumu moved first separating the two while grabbing the collar of the man. 

Osamu grabbed Y/n holding her close to him while she held on just as tightly. "Hey! Why are you putting your hands on my girl!" Atsumu yelled. He wasn't paying attention too busy trying to sooth Y/n the handprint already forming on her wrist. "You're okay," he whispered into her hair line.

"Y/n," He was thrown back into reality then remembering that no he wasn't the one dating Y/n. "Tsumu," He let go of her watching her throw herself at Atsumu and he held on to her just as tightly. "Fuck you alright babe?" He said catching her arm and seeing the bruise. "Im okay now," she smiled at him. He didn't know what his brother was thinking in that moment but he just watched Atsumu kiss her and pull away. "Im glad you're okay...I love you Y/n," she gasped then and smiled again. "I love you too Tsumu,"

"I remember," he got up following his brother into the party he stood off to the side watching them as Kita and Suna came over. Atsumu reached Y/n and kissed her Atsumu's voice carrying as tears started to drip down his face. "Ready to go Mrs. Y/n Miya?" She laughed taking his arm. "Of course Mr. Atsumu Miya," and as they walked out the last image he could see was Atsumu and Y/n looking at each other matching smiles on their faces.

Her dress sparkled next to the black suit Atsumu was wearing. They were holding hands matching rings sparkling on their hands. His vision faded until it was just black but despise that he smiled.

"Take care of her okay Tsumu?"

___________________________________________

TAGLIST: @wonhomarshmallow

[moons-and-stars-and-shit]

Hii! May i ask for a slice of cake? (If you can ofc)

So im a INFP-T virgo im also 4"11 i have dark brown hair it because wayy lighter near the sun. Also dark brown eyes my hair is cut kinda like a shag like the front is cut but the back isn't (bc of my parents) my style is grunge ig? Im very inlove with fairy style Smm but because im broke i cant really fulfil my love for that style (also probably because of my parents). My body is???? Okay my boobies are medium size and no unfortunately I don't have a fat ass 😕 im not chubby but at the same time im not skinny. Like the most fat goes to my tummy I get rolls when I sit down bath blah you get my point (im pretty insecure about it lolol). One of my two main dreams is to study abroad and become an interior decorator.

I dont know how to describe my personality but I will try. My best friend always tells me that my sense of humour is downhill BAD. I would laugh at the dumbest shit ever for example i laughed one of those pixilated bugs pics with random names on the bottom 💀 also I laugh at my own trauma and stuff that shouldn't be laughed at. I kinda have anger issues 😕 I get unmotivated pretty easily. I rant to my best friend alot and she says that im ✨depressed✨ and have ✨anxiety✨ and that i need therapy. Im scared to rant to my parents because im "too young and its just my hormones". Something that I found out about myself this year is i have chill tics 😦 (from anxiety). Outside im nice and sweet but on the inside my mind is just saying other things. Im SOMETIMES cold and say what's on my mind but thats to my close ones like my mom dad or friends. I dont lie going Outside alot I think school is kinda useless. I like to draw and listen to music my fav artist are mother mother and mitski.

I hope i didn't say TOO much anyway thank youu I hope you have/had a great day :)

🍰 for @shotosimp2

Romantic Matchup

Oikawa Tooru

How yall met

Ok im ngl

Y'all had know clue who each other were

Well that's a lie

Of course you knew who Oikawa was

But you just didn't care

Now Oikawa always saw you around school

You know...in the school uniform

But one day

He saw you outside of school in all of your grunge glory

And apart of him was like bitch wtf

And the other was like ok queen i see you 😗

So he approached you and complimented your outfit

And you said thanks and then ran off to wherever you were heading

Wait

You just said thanks???

No fan girling????

Not even a blush??????

Nothing????????????

OIKAWA.EXE HAS STOPPED WORKING

Ok he would understand that reaction if you were just a stranger on the street

But you went to school with him?

So you had to know who he was right?

Yeah my mans had a whole ass crisis because you didn't have a bigger reaction

The next day he went to Iwa and told him about his interaction with you

And he was just like not everyone was to like you ya know

Oikawa: >:o

Then Iwa had a brilliant idea

Get this

Maybe

Oikawa should BEFRIEND you before expecting you to want to talk to him

Wild theory I know

So now Oikawa had a new goal

Befriending you

It actually wasn't that hard since you both had a lot of classes together

Soon enough you guys became close friends

And oikawa was happy with just being your friend

At least...he thought he was

But everything changed when you told him you were going to study abroad for 3 months

And even though you had each others numbers

Everything without you just seemed so dull

Omg

Did he really have feelings for you?

The more time that passed by the more he was sure that he liked you

Like LIKED liked you

So the day you came back to Japan is when he confessed to you

And well you'd be lying if you said you hadn't caught feelings for him too

So you said yes

What they love about you

He loves how normal you treat him

Now hell admit when he first met you he kinda wanted you to treat him like a celebrity

Expected it even

But the more time he spent around you

The more he realized how much he liked being treated normally

Ok screw what your friend says

He loves your humor!

Yall will laugh at the dumbest shit

If we were to look at you and Oikawa's messages

85% of it would be dumb ass memes

And honestly

This boy makes jokes about his trauma too

“Hey Y/N you wanna hear a joke?”

“Sure”

“My existence”

“...”

“...”

“Ayyyyy”

“Ayyyyy”

He loves how easy it is to talk to you

Like he's told you things he hasn't even told Iwa before

And Iwa is his CHILDHOOD BESTIE

So yeah

Trust between you two

ASTRONOMICAL

What you love about them

You love how supportive he is

If you say you wanna do something

He is right behind you cheering you on

You could tell him you want to commit arson

And he'd just be like

Period queen ill bring the gasoline 💅

You can always count on this man to be in your corner

Speaking of

You can always count on oikawa period

Which is another thing that you love about him

If oikawa is anything

He is a man of his word

If he says hes gonna do something

You know he's gonna do it

He's just overall a really reliable person

You love how he just seems to motivate you to do better

Fr after you guys started dating your grades went

Partly because you felt like you needed to compete with him

But mostly because he just motivates and pushes you to do better

And if you do improve on something

He is HYPING you up

“That's my baby! I knew you could do it!”

Favorite things to do together

Yall love to just go to the store and window shop

Im sorry but yall are some broke hoes

So most of the time it's just you guys trying on clothes in the dressing room

Taking pictures of your outfits

Then leaving

Yeah the store employees kinda hate you…

But who cares what they think

And if you two do have some pocket cash you'll buy one or two things

Then blow the rest of your money on that good mall food

Cause why not

Random Hc

He makes fun of your guys height difference ALL THE TIME

But like, can you blame him????

You're not even 5 feet tall!!!

“Imagine being the size of a 10 year old, couldn't be me”

Imagine being taller than the national average height 😐, couldn't be me”

“Touche”

He let you dress him up as an E-Boy ONCE

Ngl tho he dug the eyeliner look 😗

He called you every day while you were studying abroad

He even sent you a oikawa plushie

You may or may not have sent him a video of you drowning it

When you came back to Japan he legit TACKLED you in the middle of the airport

Astrology

Virgo + Cancer

Compatibility 80%

Cancer and Virgo can have a wonderful connection and are usually brought together by sexual understanding.

The main problem of their relationship is in the possible conflict between emotional Cancer and reasonable Virgo.

If they manage to overcome this, accepting each other’s shortcomings and learning to incorporate some rationality or some emotion into their lives, they could end up in an inspiring relationship that will last for a very long time.

In a way, they complement each other as much as the heart complements the mind.

If they share a spark of love, it would be a shame to miss the opportunity for happiness just because of someone’s irrational expectations or someone’s closed heart.

If someone can help Virgo build their trust, it is their Cancer partner.

Although Cancer is a cardinal sign, they are stable by nature, especially when it comes to emotional decisions they have made.

If they have chosen Virgo to be their loving partner, they will have no reason to lie or cheat.

This behavior would only endanger their vision of a shared life and a loving family they want with the partner they chose.

This is also a reason why Cancer won’t have an initial problem with trusting Virgo.

Their convictions are stronger than their doubt.

Overall Aesthetic

Grunge Glamour ✨

Songs -

Tia tamera (Doja Cat)

Verbratem (mother mother

Literal Legend (Ayesha Erotica)

Hayloft (mother mother)

Stupid (ashnikko)

[midoriyaizukustan-inactive]

@the aizawa getting kidnapped/quirk stolen/being disappointed in himself stuff,,,,,, he comes back and feels like he isn't enough and that he shouldn't teach 1a so takes time off/leaves the school and 1a are so worried and outraged they basically strike until he comes back. so he comes in to yell at them to listen to their new teacher and then they all bombard him with - (1/2)

- how cool he is and what a good teacher he is and how he doesn't need his quirk to be an amazing hero and they all love and respect him so much (mic and all might get in on this too ofc) and by the end everyone is a blubbering mess and aizawa is there trying not to cry like. okay, i'll come back. and then the teachers go to the staffroom and he breaks down crying becAUSE HE JUST LOVES HIS KIDS SO MUCH ??????????? AND HE'S SO PROUD OF THEM AND THEY'RE ALL SO GOOD and now i am crying too (2/2)

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BRO THIS IS SO GOOD IM FYCKIGNNGJKGJNK FUCK

when aizawa gets back after Everything his depression has Kickstarted bc the one thing he held on to (being a hero and protecting the kids from what he and shirakumo went through as ua students) was forcibly taken away from him and now he has no other coping mechanisms

plus having ur quirk like forcibly taken from you must suck so much ass,,like quirks r described in canon to be a physical extension of one’s self so to be violated like that,,aizawa is just not feeling great is all im saying

once he’s back from the hospital (and he actually stays the whole time he was recommended to bc he just. doesnt see the point in leaving early anymore bc how can he protect his kids when hes broken like this) the first thing he does is go to ua to tell nezu he’s stepping down

and like nezu tries to convince him otherwise and it ends w aizawa there the wholeass day bc we all know how long nezu can talk, but aizawa just cant. he and his inadequacy cant be the reason why his kids get hurt any more than they have already

nezu compromises that there’ll be a sub until aizawa is ready to take the mantle back and aizawa is like “im not going to do that but okay”

as he’s heading out he runs into mic and all might and they ask him how he’s doing but aizawa’s Spent bc arguing w ur weird rat dad thing for hours on end is exhausting so aizawa just pushes them off

he’s not even harsh abt it tho he’s just completely tired and all might and mic are Worried

anyway they find out the next day that aizawa is “steppnig down for the time being” and theyre both like oh no. ohh no.

meanwhile in class 1-a the new sub is explaining what’s going on and the kids fucking riot. bakugou straight walks out. midoriya is arguing w the sub abt whats going on and the sub is just like “kid i didnt ask for this i dont know why aizawa’s doubting his abilities right now”

uraraka tsu and iida are like aight we’re gonna head out after like fifty minutes of this and the rest follow. the sub is just like “wtf am i even doing here”

anyway class 1-a strikes like this for a week and so nezu calls up aizawa (who’s been having a Very bad depressive episode at his apartment including ignoring all might and mic’s and even ms joke’s calls) to tell him that his kids r throwing a fit abt having to move on (nezu knows how this’ll end up if he can just get aizawa to go to his kids so he miiight be making it a bigger deal than it is but oh well)

so aizawa storms into heights alliance and hes tired and a lil touched but also hurt bc he cant protect his dumb kids anymore that’s the whole point of this why cant they just accept it

and he has a script in his head of wht he wants to say but when he enters the common room mic and all might r there and midoriya sees him first nd just. stands v suddenly and storms over to aizawa and aizawa is like “oh shit are they mad at me?? i guess they have a right to be but..” and then mido just hugs him

aizawa is like v confused for a couple moments bc what the fuck. the other more affectionate kiddos of class 1-a join mido (uraraka, tsu, ashido, kirishima, etc) before mic nd all might tell the kiddos to give him some space

before aizawa can say anything the kiddos have launched into talking abt how much they missed him and that they hope he’s okay and that he better be coming back to teach soon Or Else and also that they love him so much and they know he went thro a lot but “the sub said they would be there indefinitely but u should have a time limit on ur healing right?? youll be coming back soon?? youre such a good teacher sensei we might be able to do it w/o you there but we dont want to do this without you”. basically what u were saying hhh

and aizawa is just rlly overwhelmed bc he wasnt like expecting this at all. all of his kids have said at least something even bakugou and kouda and he’s just like. bruh.

then mic and all might ask if he’s okay bc they can tell he’s getting a lil overwhelmed nd aizawa tries to respond but he just breaks into silent tears. class 1-a FREAKS the fuck out like “OH MY GOD SENSEI WE’RE SO SORRY ARE YOU OKAY??? FUCK”

and aizawa needs a Second but he’s like “no you dumb brats didn’t do anything i’m just- fuck give me a second” and im,,,

all might and mic hug him then and im emotional. i am emotional!!!! we are crying in this chilis tonight.

anywya the kiddos keep going on abt hwo much they care for aizawa all night nd aizawa crashes on the couch surrounded by all his dumb kids and all might nd mic

when he gets up the next morning he goes to ask nezu abt maaaybe teaching again nd nezu smiles into his teacup knowingly

anyway im so fucking emo dude. dude

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Unexpected Arrival -1

Pairing: Eventual Bucky x Reader, possible Steve x Reader

Summary: As if working with the Avengers wasn't exciting enough.... an unexpected visitor is about to change your life forever.

A/N: This all came from a dream i had! It still needs some editing but here we go.... enjoy ⭐️

"You going to be okay? You don't look so good" Natasha asked holding the back of her hand to my forehead "you’re burning up"

"I'll be fine Nat, think its just a stomach bug. I'll get some sleep while you guys are gone and hopefully feel a bit better" i said hoping that i was right, i had been feeling awful since last night.... i had been sick and had the worst stomach cramps of my life that had resulted in me curled up in a fetal position in bed.

"promise me if you feel any worse you'll call Bruce. He’s going to be staying here in his lab"

"I promise" i chuckled as i pulled a blanket over myself "now go kick some ass"

"Okay, i'll come check on you when i get back" she said before leaving me alone in my room.

It had been a couple hours since Nat left and the pain was getting worse but because I'm stubborn i refused to bother Bruce. They would think i was over reacting to a bad case of stomach flu! I managed to get up and walk out to the kitchen to get some water. Suddenly the pain was unlike anything i had felt in my life and i fell to floor with a scream.

"F.R.I.D.A.Y call Bruce please.... i need his help" i cried out to the A.I.

"Yes Ms Y/L/N, right away"

The doors opened seconds later and i heard Steve and Tonys voices chatting casually as they walked into the kitchen.

"Hey guys??.... i think somethings wrong" i managed to say to get their attention, they both stopped and looked over to me on the floor their eyes going wide before running over.

"Y/N!" Steve said reaching me first and kneeling down beside me "what happened?"

"I don't know..... I've not been feeling too great, i thought it was stomach flu...." i stopped to let out another yell and curled up holding my stomach.

"Get her to Banner now!" Tony told Steve, Steve was already scooping me up into his big arms and running to the elevator, Tony following behind him.

As the doors opened Bruce was inside making his way down "whats going on?? F.R.I.D.A.Y told me Y/N needed medical attention" he said looking between us all.

"Somethings wrong with her Bruce" Steve told him as i cried into his shirt.

"it hurts so bad...." i told him squeezing my eyes tight.

"Okay sweetie, we're nearly at the lab i'll take care of you. Give you something for the pain" Bruce said softly from beside me.

Steve was soon carrying me into the medical bay, Bruce walking ahead of us slightly.

"Put her on the bed, I'm gonna run a full body scan see if it picks up on anything unusual" Bruce said to Steve pulling over a machine that he had used on all of us at some point over the years. While it scanned he went over to grab some morphine and a syringe ready to give me some release from the pain.

"Just relax, Bruce will help with the pain any second.... he’s gonna help you" Steve said softly brushing my hair out of my face.

"I cant believe you didn't tell us how bad you were feeling! We would've had someone stay with you" Tony said rolling his eyes at you. Tony treated you more like the little sister he never had and he was pissed that you had kept it to yourself.

"Im sorry T, i was just going to sleep it off and hopefully feel better. But its so much worse..... is it bad? Am i dying?" I asked feeling myself panicking, it had to be bad to feel like this.

"Im sure you’re not dying kid" he said with a scoff shaking his head at the thought. Tony looked over at Bruce who was looking at the screens showing my scans, he dropped the syringe and morphine on the floor as a look of horror spread on his face as he looked up at us all.

"What.... what is it?" I asked quickly feeling my heart start to race.

"Erm.... i...."

Tony huffed and walked over to look himself being as Bruce couldn't get his words out. Seconds later his eyes went wide, his jaw literally dropped in shock.

"Guys! What the fuck is it???.... Steve?" I asked turning to look at him for answers. He walked over to Bruce and Tony and looked at the screen "is that....?" He asked looking at the 2 older men, they both started nodding and Steves head turned to me so quickly i thought he might get whiplash!

"You’re.... pregnant!" Steve stated, I swear i felt my heart stop! That was crazy!! It was impossible!!

"Stop fucking with me guys and tell me the truth! This isn't funny!!" I cried.

"Im not lying, Y/N you’re pregnant" Steve said slowly walking over to me.

"Fuck off!! Do i look pregnant to you?!!" I screamed as another cramp rolled through my stomach. I hadn't changed in size at all i couldn't be pregnant!!

"Your machine is broken Bruce!" I yelled at him "I'm not pregnant! Its impossible!"

"Y/N i don't know what to say, the machine isn't broken.... look" he turned it round to show me and thats when i saw it. I swear my heart stopped as i saw the image on the screen "and it would seem you’re in labour!" Bruce said with wide eyes, the room started spinning and went black......this wasn't happening!!

(3rd person)

"Y/N??..... Bruce, somethings happened!" Steve said rushing to her side.

"Shes just passed out, she'll be okay"

"How can she be pregnant?? Is she even seeing anyone??" Tony asked looking on in shock.

"I don't think so, Steve do you know if shes seeing anyone?" Bruce asked scratching his head still looking dumbfounded by this development.

"How would i know?" Steve replied with wide eyes.

"Well you two have always been...close...." Tony started to say.

"Its crazy, i mean look at her she doesn't look pregnant... she was right about that much. And its full term.... the baby is healthy... just small. The placenta is at the front which would explain why she hasn't felt any movement..." Bruce was muttering while looking over at the screen again.

"I cant imagine what she must be feeling right now.... kid must be terrified" Tony said shaking his head "I'm gonna call Romanov, see if she can get back here. Y/N would want her here" Tony said walking out of the medical room.

I slowly opened my eyes and remembered where i was, and why i was here! As another contraction rolled through my stomach i let out a loud cry, Steve grabbed ahold of my hand and tried to calm me down as it eventually passed.

"Hey....you’re okay, I'm here. We'll get through this together" he said with a reassuring smile while squeezing my hand.

"I feel like i need to push....." I suddenly said looking terrified of what i was about to face.

"Y/N, i need to take a look, see how far dilated you are.... is that okay?" Bruce asked looking very uncomfortable about it. He was very much out of his comfort zone on this one! I nodded quickly just wanting it over with now. Bruce put a blanket over my legs to make sure i wasn't exposed to everyone and removed my shorts before placing my legs up.

"Oh shit...." he said standing up looking as white as a ghost.

"What?" I cried looking even more panicked if that was possible!

"Its just a lot further along than i had anticipated! I...I can see the head!"

"Banner move!" Tony said suddenly pushing Bruce aside and taking control of the situation "Okay sweetie I'm gonna need you to push" Tony told me.

"Maybe i should wait outside....." Steve said feeling like he shouldn't be in here for this.

"No!! Steve, i need you" I cried holding his hand tighter "please stay!"

"Okay. okay I'm here" he moved me forward enough so that he could sit behind me and took hold of both my hands "Okay Y/N you can do this.... push!" He said comfortingly in my ear.

Hours passed, It felt like time had stopped, just constant pain that wasn't going anywhere.

"Good girl, you’re almost there!" Tony soothed me as best he could "Bruce get a blanket".

"I cant do this anymore" I cried resting my head back against Steve's chest feeling utterly defeated.

"You are so close sweetheart, one more big push and it will all be over i promise"  Tony said from the bottom of the bed.

"Come on doll, you can do this! On three, one big push" Steve said squeezing my hands, I nodded and braced myself to bare down one more time. I squeezed Steves hands so hard that i probably would have broken the bones of a normal man and let out a blood curdling scream. The room was suddenly filled with a cry that wasn't mine.

"oh my god! Y/N, its a girl!" Tony said happily, seconds later he was placing the baby on my chest for me to see giving us skin to skin contact.

"Im just gonna clean her up and i'll bring her right back okay?" Tony promised before taking the tiny baby and walking over to where Bruce was stood.

"Oh my god..... Steve, did you see her??" I cried looking up at him.

"I did! She's perfect" he beamed down at me with tears running down his face  "you did so good" Steve pressed a kiss to the top of my head as Tony and Bruce came back over with the baby bundled in a yellow blanket and placed her back in my arms.

"Congratulations momma" Tony smiled.

"I cant believe this is happening..... she's so beautiful" I cried brushing a finger over my daughters tiny cheek.

"Well this wasn't how i was expecting to spend my evening" Tony said letting out a deep breath and slumping into the chair beside me.

"Well that makes two of us T!" I said shaking my head, still in shock that i had just given birth to a healthy baby girl!

"I don't even have anything for her....."

"I'll sort that out don't you worry about a thing" Tony smiled.

"So i hate to be the one to ruin the moment, but who's the father?" Bruce asked the question they all wanted to know the answer to and gave a suspicious look to Steve.

"Shes not mine! Why do you keep looking at me like that??" Steve said to him, his cheeks flushed at the fact Bruce and Tony thought he'd been intimate with me.

"I think i should tell him before anyone else" I stated not taking my eyes off my baby girl. I was already dreading having this conversation, it was a big enough shock to me let alone the father!

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Ronnie

Ali: [The day of but later] Ali: I convinced that man not to press charges or anything, the one that got involved Ali: so you don't need to worry about that Ronnie: wasnt Ronnie: tell someone who is Ali: 'course Ali: talking isn't the most useful thing for me to do right now so I'll pass Ronnie: go be useful then little girl Ali: I'm sorry he brought you Ali: that's fucked up Ronnie: course you are Ronnie: youre all well sorry now like Ali: For you, not myself, or ourselves Ronnie: no shit pity works with the rest of your brothers and sisters Ronnie: youre fucked up Ali: How so? Ronnie: show and tells over Ali: I hope it made you feel better Ronnie: bullshit Ronnie: none of you give a fuck how I feel Ali: yeah I do Ronnie: wheres it been Ali: you're meant to wait for the kid to make the first move, that's rule #1 Ronnie: if you wanna play by the rules Ali: so I've lost points, that's fine Ali: you don't want us to care, right? Ronnie: the way your family is im almost old enough to be your ma Ronnie: bit fucking late yeah Ali: You do have a solid decade on her, yeah Ali: I'm a late bloomer, clearly Ronnie: ill leave it to her to be proud Ali: a big ask, but I'll survive without Ronnie: like I said Ronnie: fucked Ali: Yeah, a fair bit Ali: nothing to shout about, or that hasn't been now Ronnie: you wanted a first move Ali: It was a choice Ronnie: nah Ronnie: a reaction Ali: That too Ali: like I said, hope it was what you needed it to be? Ronnie: ask him Ali: you just did it for Joe? Ronnie: why else Ronnie: none of you mean shit to me Ali: but he does, yeah Ronnie: connect the dots Ronnie: I bothered to carve each one out Ali: I can tell he loves you Ali: do you love him Ronnie: hes that fucking soft Ali: you do Ali: alright, that's something Ronnie: fuck you youve known him all your life and you dont Ronnie: theres no telling me how I feel Ali: I don't know him or I don't love him? Ronnie: have it both ways Ronnie: he tells it either way Ali: I probably don't know him now Ali: I'll allow that Ali: that's how he wants it so you don't have to defend him like I'm saying I do Ali: or that I'll force it, when he's been so clear Ronnie: hes the last person I can be arsed to defend Ronnie: but no shit he gets everything he wants Ali: What were you after Ali: we disown him Ali: or strongarm him into rehab and therapy Ronnie: yeah Ive got everything crossed for sobriety Ronnie: fucks sake Ali: disowning then, he's done it to us Ali: it won't happen the other way 'round, sorry to say Ronnie: give him your fucking sorry Ronnie: he was the one begging me to ruin it all Ali: close enough that he should still be happy Ali: I'm not sorry for him Ali: I already said, he shouldn't have used you like that Ronnie: thats what happens theres no fucking 💘 and 🥀 Ali: no one deserves that Ronnie: I am no one Ali: You aren't Ali: don't have to be Ronnie: people like their junkies part time or useful or repentant Ronnie: fuck that Ali: that's not your whole gig Ronnie: you don't know shit Ronnie: youre not under my skin or in my head Ali: I know enough to know that's bullshit Ali: if anyone was just their addictions and vices, you wouldn't need them Ronnie: yeah youre the smart one Ronnie: he told me Ali: He's the one at the fancy arts school Ali: how does he reconcile that with being the junkie one Ronnie: youre 16 theres no uni thatd take you yet Ronnie: happy birthday for whenever the fuck it was Ali: Thanks Ali: about a month ago Ali: extend the invite next time Ronnie: dont Ronnie: I wont show Ali: you haven't heard how great my parties are yet Ronnie: I aint a childrens entertainer Ali: be cool if you were Ali: have a heart attack when you showed up Ronnie: next time I need a few quid ill try and remember Ronnie: make you proud of me Ali: probably leave that to Joe, and your friends and fam Ali: but I know how to make balloon animals so hmu Ronnie: course you do Ronnie: youre the target market for hippy crack Ali: awh Ali: how true Ronnie: no shit Ronnie: how long you been in the youngest ones adhd meds Ali: not really my thing Ali: need to calm my brain, not stimulate it harder Ronnie: 💔 Ali: how'd you know about that Ali: doesn't seem like the sort of pillowtalk he'd be about Ronnie: i was in care i know what an kid with adhd looks like Ronnie: and theyve tried to diagnose me as everything but a west little bastard Ali: he's shit scared right now Ronnie: be fucked if he werent Ali: yeah Ali: he doesn't really know Joe Ali: was like 4 when he went to Uni so Ali: proper boogeyman shit Ronnie: mckenna will love that Ronnie: real boner for the misery Ali: someone should get something out of it Ali: he can pay for his therapy later Ali: more meds, whatever Ronnie: ill tell him to put in his will Ali: try not to die Ronnie: itd be the ultimate misery boner Ronnie: why should he stop getting what he wants now Ali: yeah, you do love him Ali: but hate him too Ronnie: 💘🥀 Ali: Is he worth it? Ronnie: youre describing freckles and the princess you know that yeah Ronnie: me and her dont share every dysfunction Ali: Nah, they don't hate each other Ali: loads of other stuff, people Ali: very them vs everyone Ronnie: she hates that she needs him Ronnie: that he makes her soft Ronnie: close enough Ali: You reckon? Ali: Hmm Ronnie: first rule of tortured kids club Ali: it's why she loves him too Ali: you'd understand if her sister had been there Ali: she's got no one to make her soft, I tried but Ronnie: gutted she werent there then Ali: you wouldn't like her any more than she'd like you Ali: it'd be fitting, but no fun Ronnie: thats the fun Ronnie: I hate you all Ali: I see the appeal Ronnie: have a go Ronnie: hate me Ali: I see your appeal Ali: why would I hate you? Ali: Fraze does and he's having the least fun of all Ronnie: you see what you fucking wanna Ronnie: youd have to know me to know if I had any appeal Ali: Then I'm a spoilt hippy brat, as you like it Ali: you'd have to do worse for me to hate you Ali: not my MO Ronnie: not wasting another flight on it Ronnie: kill your own ma Ali: then I'm good for it Ali: sorry again Ali: you did what you set out to do, making me 💔 wasn't part of it Ronnie: stop fucking apologising Ali: it offends you? Ronnie: I did what mckenna cant do for his fucking self being a useless pussy from cradle to grave Ronnie: he is under my skin and in my veins like it or not Ali: yeah, and my apology is worth a damn when you've got problems that big Ali: alright, I won't say it no more Ronnie: if it was for me Id have done it at 10 14 fucking 18 even Ali: 'course, you got fucked over at birth Ali: no other straws needed Ali: his is more of a slowburn of bullshit Ronnie: yeah Ali: I don't know what he's told you, or how much you care about it Ali: but they've always been like it, Fraze too Ali: we have no idea and they went through so much more Ali: but Joe's only got 5 on me, so that says all you really need to know Ronnie: thats lads for you Ronnie: cant handle any pain unless they glorify it Ali: or co-opt it Ali: if you don't wanna be like them, tell him to get his own Ronnie: Im not like them thats why he likes me Ronnie: it aint my winning smile Ronnie: helps that I look like you and your ma course hes that sick Ali: He's hated them both ever since Bea came around, then when we moved her, like it was for her Ali: he's spoilt, like you said Ali: but I really think he is sick, too Ronnie: no shit Ronnie: were both sick Ali: yeah Ali: maybe you'll wanna get help someday Ronnie: for what Ronnie: theres no happy ever after here Ali: to not be sick Ronnie: nice try little girl Ronnie: not gonna get cured Ali: yeah, well has to seem better than sick Ali: that's a big ask Ali: I can't imagine not getting to do the drugs I do, and that's everyone Ronnie: it's like being in a relationship yeah sometimes it makes you feel good sometimes it dont Ronnie: cant fix shit though Ronnie: the rots too deep and its already set in Ronnie: long before I took a hit Ali: That's medication for you Ronnie: thats pain for you Ali: Yeah Ronnie: if I cant cut it out Ill cut her out of me Ronnie: her face outta mine Ali: It's DNA Ali: everything and nothing Ronnie: if she's in my blood ill spill it all Ronnie: theres fuck all point keeping it on the inside Ali: It's a waste of you Ali: the you that ain't her Ronnie: I am the waste Ronnie: ive had enough kids scraped out of me it aint hard Ali: She believed in the happily ever after you don't Ali: more fool her Ronnie: she got it Ali: she wanted it with you Ronnie: bullshit Ali: She did, she loved your biological dad, basically as many years as she'd been about Ali: she didn't just not get an abortion because she was scared Ronnie: she wanted it with him then Ronnie: I was along for the ride til I got dumped out Ronnie: if she wanted me id fucking be there Ali: she could've tried Ali: yeah Ali: you would've got taken away though Ronnie: so what Ali: just that, she wasn't allowed to keep you, she was a 14 year old with no parent, they'd have separated you and put you into different care homes Ali: happened to her friend Ronnie: I was a 14 year old with no parents either Ronnie: and a 4 year old Ronnie: 4 months Ronnie: however the fuck far back you wanna go Ronnie: I still found ways to get shit that I wanted Ali: Yeah, I know Ali: you had enough to eat and a bed with a roof over your head Ali: you wouldn't have if you'd had her, if that was even possible, somehow Ronnie: no I fucking didnt Ronnie: not always Ali: if you were in a home Ali: more than a squat where no fucker pays the bills or gets groceries over smack, you know the situation Ronnie: I know it helps her sleep at night Ronnie: this story Ali: you don't have to add it to your narrative if it fucks with your peace Ali: ask Joe Ali: if he reckons he remembers everything back in Liverpool, he'll remember Ronnie: I dont need to ask him cos his story is that she blinked and her life was so fucking sorted that she pushed a shit ton more kids out Ronnie: where the fuck was I Ronnie: nowhere Ronnie: youre my fucking replacement is why Ali: she could've got you when she got Bea and Ro Ali: I don't know how old you were then, 13? Ali: they might've said she was sorted enough, maybe Ali: it was more, this girl has been abused and you're a friend she trusts who is willing to foster her so let's shove her at you and get her out, it wasn't happy families Ronnie: no need when theres already loads of shiny white kids to mother and 2 less shiny to play saviour too Ali: I could ask Ali: I was a toddler, and it wasn't my bedtime story too, believe it or nah Ronnie: luck of the irish Ali: I'll take 50% Ronnie: her sob story is as fucking useless to me as mckennas misery boners are Ali: 💔 Ali: very convincing performance in that case Ronnie: fuck you Ali: why Ronnie: if you have to ask youre not listening Ali: I meant the part where you necked on with him Ronnie: why not Ali: 'cos his boners are a letdown, obvs Ronnie: I dont need him to make me feel good Ronnie: and he fucking wishes he could do as good of a job as the shit that does Ali: thank God Ronnie: he wanted the shock factor thats me baby Ali: assumed that was his intention Ali: he stopped showing up as himself ages ago though, that was, not more shocking but impactful, let's say Ali: if he wasn't so obviously out of it, he might've known that we knew Ronnie: he wanted to stop showing up full stop Ronnie: til he gets shipped back in a ⚰ Ronnie: and reckoned thatd be the final nail for you all us fucking Ali: and us younger ones are dramatic, hilarious Ali: who doesn't want to get away from home? Ali: Tommy has been since he was 11, Bea went to Cambridge, Ro will too, Fraze only didn't because Bea told him he wasn't allowed to follow her Ali: I'm planning on Singapore, myself Ronnie: hes too pussy to handle being away from me Ronnie: or what I get like when he isnt in my fucking face Ronnie: that bit wasnt about you lot as much like Ali: it's how it goes Ali: that's why people get knocked up, get married, get fabulous careers, so you can have an excuse for why you can't make this weekend, will try to pop in for this event but end up just sending a card Ali: it's weird it's you, of course, you're both sick, duh, but look at it objectively Ali: it's your version of 2.4 kids and a dog Ronnie: he dont want me to slit my own throat or anyone elses but his more fool him Ronnie: cant knock me up or marry me thank christ Ronnie: I like that the dog is smack thats well poetic Ali: I'll have a go at writing it Ali: if you want a null and void illegal wedding too, I'll write those vows and all Ronnie: ill stick it in a song if you want better than happy birthday Ronnie: fuck that i belong to no one Ronnie: theres loads more fun illegal shit to do Ali: you write songs too? Ali: just don't let Joe play cello on it Ali: if depression had a 🎵 Ronnie: id lose money if i begged with him Ronnie: fucking hell Ronnie: looks pathetic enough but thats all Ali: very child actor vibes, or rockstar's kid Ali: you had it all and you pissed it all the wall Ali: not here's a couple of quid for a warm cup of coffee and a sarnie, no Ronnie: i can see his face hearing that Ronnie: id have to take a brick to it Ali: yeah, he probably hates me Ali: not as much as Fraze, didn't have the toddler clout to make us move to Dublin, bit rude Ronnie: you're in his way Ali: of what Ronnie: 💉 Ali: that's his hangup Ali: like I said, no one is forcing him to do shit here Ali: guilt's part and parcel of 💚 and 💉 ain't it Ronnie: youre not telling me shit I dont know Ronnie: hes the one shitting himself hes gonna get chucked in rehab Ronnie: nobodys coming to take me nowhere Ali: I get it Ali: she's shit at turning up Ali: tell her to work on it Ronnie: do what you want Ronnie: far as sisterly advice what ive got is dont ask me for a shot unless youre after a habit Ali: lecturing ain't my gig rn, she loves a bit of it so honestly no need when her 🧠 will be full of the 💔 Ali: cheers, I'll stick to the just saying no of it all Ronnie: get the money up front when you are gigging Ronnie: and take care of the kid when you aint Ali: I will, I do Ali: he's got a few years to grow before I'm going anywhere Ronnie: yeah Ali: and my wife might stay and they're best friends Ronnie: she was the one trying to rival us for most high Ali: ✌💚💉 Ali: it was a party before you walked in Ali: which I'm aware was very much the idea Ali: can I give you a tattoo I'm good Ronnie: go ahead Ronnie: not gonna be here long like Ali: where do you wanna meet, my rig is way portable Ronnie: [a place nearby wherever they are cos god knows but I doubt Joe wants to see Ali and she aint gonna tell him that's where she's going LOL] Ali: 👍 Ali: about 25 on my 🚲 Ronnie: reckon i can stay alive til then

[irastayshome]

Ibrahim's birth

Ibrahim arrived in this world on 21st January 2017. Back then, we were lucky to afford a doula because I was hella nervous about the whole birthing process and tbh my head wasnt in the game because of all the stress at work. After the 'hard part' was over, and as I held my son, I vividly remember my doula saying that the easy part was over and the hard part of being a parent has just begun. I thought it was a joke at the time because, well, what could be harder than pushing a 3 kg baby out of your vagina? 2 yrs and 6mths on, I have mentally kicked myself in the head for taking my doula's words lightly. These days, I consider it a win when I do not raise my voice or completely lose my sh** and raise my hands at my son. I keep needing reminders of what it took to get him into this world and the many moments we failed him along the way so that I do not be complacent and mistreat him.

So I thought I might write his birth story down after all. Didn't really wanna remember all the details of something that feels rather insignificant now, but some days at home are just rough and a good reminder is useful.

*

19 January 2017. I had been on maternity leave for a week, but only just completed my case transfers from home. My mamamia had been insisting that I sleep over her place once a week for the last trimester on Hasyali's night shifts. I didnt mind at all, because my r/s with my parents have improved significantly after moving out. Distance is truly necessary sometimes.

It finally dawned upon me that I was due in a week. Being last minute as I always am, I tried to 'catch up' on the squats that my doula/birth educator had been reminding us to do at 9 pm. But really, i was just doing it for fun cause like it would make any difference at 39 weeks, esp since ive been treating my body like crap while handing over my work the last few weeks. Planned to youtube more exercises to speed up labour etc etc but fell into the rabbit hole of "natural birth positions" and "painfree birth vlogs" and before I knew it, I was hooked on the Midwives yt tv series till i fell asleep at 5 am. Damn youtube.

20th January 2017. 7 am. Felt like I ate something so bad and had to do a big one. And so I did, groggily, and went back to sleep. Feeling so smug that I could finally sleep in on a weekday. 9 am. What is going on with my bowels??? Tried to recall what I ate last night, but dont care just sleep after the business. 10.30 am. Sat up and mentally admitted that those horrid pains at the bottom of my tummy could actually be contractions! Trying to keep cool, I ate breakfast quickly, trying to mask my ronyok face each time the tightenings came by because nyayi was there and I just did not wanna tell my family. pretty sure they would have shipped me off to the hospital immediately.

Took cab back at 12.30pm and smsed hubs about the contractions, saying it could potentially be the real thing. But not sure, so I timed them in the cab. 10 mins apart. regular. oh crap its happening. Got home, discovered the bloody show. So yup i got my confirmation. Smsed hubs a photo of it but told him to just take it easy, go solat Jumaat and just slowly pack his bag aftee. He just got off his night shift so he probably hasnt slept at all. Told doula Kak Hajjar about whats going on, and was advised to just relax and walk2 until i cant talk anymore from the pain. Hubs came back, and i took off on a birth walk alone around the estate. Every few mins, I just stopped and breathed deeply, sorely regretting not pestering my hubs to come along bcoz adoi sakit and nothing to squeeze or hold on to. and in the 3 pm sun no less.

Came back, started panicking when i realised hubs belum pack!! what is it with men and last minute packing?? feeling annoyyed bcoz im about to do some serious work but he cant even get started on packing. but ok takpe, got in the shower to cool down and to relieve the pain while he packed. Contractions were now 4 mins apart, but I could still talk. NUH told me to come in now. Doula told me to wait till i cant talk. The kancong me decided to go anyway, worried about the rush hour jam on the start of a weekend.

Arrived at NUH at 6 pm, realising that id skipped lunch. I was hungry, and oh no so damn sleepy bcoz i barely slept the night before! Damn youtube. Ate mr bean pancake with hubs. Met doula who told.me i dont look like its time bcoz i could talk and joke about. I admit i secretly thought that it was because i had a high tolerance for pain hahahaha joke. Entered the delivery ward at 7 pm, was 4 cm dilated. Yay! but wait what, all that pain and only 4 cm? oh no.

So began the longest night of my life. Doulla massaged my back and did hip squeezes through contractions, and I occasionally swayed while standing with hubs. These two were just incredible birth partners. My labour pains were rough at the front, but damn the back labour pains were friggin insane! Felt like maybe I had tentacles trying to burst out of my spine and turn into Doc Ock.

At some point, i remember just saying random supplications and feeling so regretful that i had not rehearsed what selawats I wanted to read in those moments bcoz my head was really jammed up trying to manage the pain. By 3 am my body felt like it had gone through a marathon and i really did fall asleep between contractions out of sheer exhaustion. It was exhausting to just tahan the pain.

By 4 ish am (hazy on the details by now), a VE confirmed I was 9 cm dilated. At this point I was already vomitting and my head hurt so much from tahaning the pain. I remembered thinking, or maybe even saying out loud, that I wanted them to cut the baby out. Im pretty sure I was transitioning at that point but I didnt know bcoz my mind was too panicky. They told me the head was still too high to push, so they offered to burst my waterbag, but said theres no assurance it would bring the head down but wld certainly intensify the contractions. I was pretty sure I would pass out if they intensified, out of exhaustion. and never mind that I was barely able to wake up btwn contractions due to my flu and fever (yes ARGH hate flu during labour). So I refused and waited for news that im fully dilated.

6 am. Still at 9 cm. My head was thinking "how long did Kak Hajjar say transitions lasted again?? takkan lama gini??" This time, my mental strength just gave way. I screamed for an epidural. I remember feeling so terrified that my baby would be stuck while im pushing, because I had zero energy left. Fatigued from the pain and the fever, I pleaded for an epidural again n again. I rmbr my doula, my husband, the nurses all giving me such kind words of support, saying ive gone si far and am at the last lap, and encouraged me to stick to my birth plan of going without medication. But I was too defeated by exhaustion and just wanted to sleep. Hahahaha. Like i literally said "yang, i nak tido" and started to cry.

So they called in the anesthesiologist (dunno the spelling). While he prepped the long-ass needle, I felt a huge gush of warm water down there. My waters broke. At this point I could have just waited for the head to descend, but I was too tired and looking forward to a promised 2 hour rest before pushing. So I kept quiet about it. I was in tears, out of disappointment at myself for not being able to ride out the exhaustion. But my doula was so kind and reminded me that God is the best of planners, and perhaps this was the way for me to achieve a natural birth still and avoid any emergency csection if I could not push. The nurses too were angels, and kept assuring me I had tried really hard for a long time and shouldn't beat myself up. And so I slept. That was the best 2 hour sleep of my life. pretty sure I snored and drooled, in the presence of my doula. Nak kata paiseh but nah I was too tired to care, and all modesty had left the room hours ago.

8 am. Woken up by cheerful nurses who told me it was time to start pushing. I just wanted to sleep in longer, but then I remembered oh ya baby is still inside. That epidural was gooooood. So began pushing. It felt so weird pushing when I cant feel anything moving down there. They had to tell me when to push i.e. when contractions came, and kept telling me I was pushing wrong and i had to do it as how i would when pooping. I suddenly didnt know how pooping felt like anymore. Kept pushing for an hour plus, but apparently the head keeps going back in. My husb and I had affectionately named our foetus "jubjub", just to avoid calling it the baby during the pregnancy. and my doula joked that perhaps the baby keeps going back in bcoz we named him jubjub like the muppet from Hi-5 that likes to peekaboo around. haha that was a good one.

My gynae finally came in around 9.30 am ish. She told me that I had to do an episiotomy to help push the baby out. My husband stopped her and told her to let me continue trying. But eventually she kept persisting and my husband apparently could not tahan seeing me push so hard anymore (he said the veins on my face look like they were gonna burst). So he agreed. The moment she cut, I pushed and felt the head empty out of me. I thought that was weird cause I was on epidural, but apparently they reduced the dose while pushing. A few more pushes later, I heard it. Ibrahim's first cries. The nurses and my doula congratulating me. My husband telling me I did it and he was proud of me. But mainly, Ibrahim's cries. 21st January 2017, at 10.03am.

They placed him on my chest. I cried. and cried. And i thought he was the most perfect thing I could ever hold in this world.

Dearest Ibrahim, a mother can love her husband out of choice, but theres simply no choice in this love I have for you. It is so raw and intense and relentless, that Im so consumed by it from the moment I held you. There are days, now, when I feel your anger towards me because I am so hard on you, especially since im not very good at coping with the two of you. But I hope you never feel that I love you any less when I get angry. and I hope you truly forgive me when you give me a hug after I apologise each time for beating you. You deserve so much better, and i'll keep striving to be a better mother to you and adik.

Ok bye. Am gonna cry my eyes out now. Damn birth stories.