#im gonna have to talk to all the medical staff to feel okay too

[buntobeans]

delirious venture after tooth surgery

warnings: blood, venture is like HIGH from anesthetic nothing much else

idk if anyone has written this but it's so cute seeing all those videos with people after surgeries being absolutely ZOOTED and having no idea what planet they're on

also i am NOOTTTT a dentist by any means im just going off of my fanfic delirium.... it's 4am this is a pretty bad work but i GAWT TO BE ON MY VENTURE GRINDSET

sooo we all know how sloan has a chipped tooth, right? not entirely sure what it's from, their chipper highlight intro or them eating a rock- either one is funny as hell

to say you freaked out was an absolute understatement, there was blood everywhere and sloan was just looking at you like:

:D

"amor, look what i found!" they hold up the rock in their hands so proudly like a cat that's brought back a dead mouse

"SLOAN, YOU'RE LITERALLY BLEEDING."

you force them to drop the rock/artifact or leave it with the wayfinders, ensuing in a very pouty sloan

one trip to the emergency room later sloan is ZOOTED

literally space ranger the way they are NOT on earth

you go to pick them up, they're in the waiting room

you're relieved by the fact that they're okay but you're absolutely not prepared for what comes next

the medical staff informs you that they're very out of it, slyly adding along that you must be "the partner with (e/c) eyes that sparkle in the sunlight"

the what

you enter the room to see them having an extremely animated conversation to anyone that will listen, whether it's the doctors or the potted plant on the table next to their seat

as soon as they namedrop you you feel extremely embarrassed

they're describing your exact appearance (like if you have brown hair, none of that brunette shit, they're saying "they have #5C4033 hair")

they describe your first meeting and first date in way too specific detail and the middle-aged lady next to them in the waiting room is just like "uh huh yeah if this mf dont stop talking they're gonna be in the emergency room AAGGAAAIN"

"SLOAN SHUT UP"

your partner takes a GOOD LONG LOOK AT YOU

like 30 seconds of just gaping, you really can see their chipped tooth in its full glory

"sloan, we're going home"

they gulp and stare up at you like their big wet eyes

"i can't go home with you"

"why not"

"my partner will get jealous"

"."

"by the way, my partner has the prettiest smile. i miss them" they're looking so sad as they said that, like you fucking died

YOU'RE RIGHT THERE

"sloan.."

"whoa.. how'd you know my name?"

"i AM your partner"

they blink

it's like they're seeing you for the first time again

their eyes are sparkling and they look like they're falling in love all over again

they give you a crooked smile, kind of slumping back in their seat cause you took their breath away, cheeks hotter than before

"hey there!"

you're exhausted from worrying over them and their tooth but they're looking at you like you're the most radiant being in the world- no- the universe

"oh dios mio.. see i was tryna be loyal but you came in looking really pretty and i thought (for only a second i promise, like, one second!) about cheating.. thank goodness we're together tho"

what

your heart does a few flips in your chest

suddenly you're kinda pissed that they had to get injured in their mouth because you want to sloppily make out with this rock munching idiot

the car ride home is almost abysmal

they're belting out stupid songs, randomly screaming deez nuts jokes even when you don't fall for them then cackling at themselves because it's funny to THEM, mumbling things in spanish you don't understand (you swear you hear a "te amo" in there)

it's stressful as HELL for you because you have to constantly check that their seatbelt is still on because they're excitedly looking out the window like a dog with its tongue out

they're also randomly shouting and pointing out shit outside like they're playing road trip bingo

you're thankful when they quiet down eventually until you hear

"Can we get married? I proooomise I'll take care of you.." They sniffle. "I've got the moneeeyy.. 'n I really think you were made f'me.. I jus' wan' t'be t'gether forever... I loooove youuuu..."

you nearly crash the car

JESUS SLOAN

you tend to them at home and it seems like all their object permanence has vanished

gone from this world

because whenever you leave the room to get them water that THEY REQUESTED, they start crying

"AMOR, WHERE DID YOU GO"

they regain their senses the next day and you realize

it's not REALLY that different

they're still a goober

though with less (full) teeth than before

but they're your goober :)

still, using that little marriage speech against them has them flustered because they've really been thinking about it, it wasn't just a whim from their anesthetic-fueled delirium

[butchviking]

Hello! Per the define transgender q I thought I'd put my 2 cents out there as a trans person. The way I'd define it for me is that the way I "see" myself to be incongruent with how I was assigned at birth. To me its more transition/dysphoria based, it has nothing to do with how I express myself via clothes or mannerisms and everything to do with how I feel about myself internally. Not to say gender expression isn't important, especially in someone's transition and wanting to be recognized as the gender they are, but if you only think of trans people wanting to transition in order to fit a stereotype of the opposite sex then that just reduces everything they do to a performance or an act. And gender expression is important whether ur trans or cis, gnc or not. 

Idk. Being trans is just part of who I am, same way that I have brown eyes. Im not "escaping" from anything nor am i confused. I think because ppl recognize/come to terms with being trans differently is also why they say being trans is different for everyone. Even if there is a clear cut definition, it's still gonna look different based on how or if someone is able to medically/socially transition and how far in their transition they are, and anti-trans laws will affect that as well. Community, activism, and support are important regardless. At the end of the day I just want to be able to feel safe in knowing that if I got in a major car accident tomorrow where I will need intensive medical care, that the medical team will treat me even though the parts I have don't match what it says I should have on my driver's license. 

Hope that makes sense I've been typing off and on at work but just wanted to put my perspective out there. Peace love and ray toro <3

huh okay, it's really interesting that u say it's more transition/dysphoria based to u bc i feel like most trans ppl ive spoken to abt it (might b a reflection of the kind of trans ppl i was hanging out w) definitely put identity before transition status/intent.

definitely with u on the gender expression part - i think its a rly common problem that someone sets out on a transition bc of dysphoria & bc they want to be viewed as & treated as the opposite gender by society but somewhere along the way they end up leaning way too heavily on stereotypes for that and they do find themselves trapped in a performance and end up ridiculously self-concious abt it all (like all the transguys who worry endlessly about if they're walking right if they're holding their drinks right if they're SLEEPING right, that one guy who found himself googling "do men eat oatmeal" -_-)

also v interested in ur statement that how ppl "recognize/come to terms with being trans" affects how they define the concept in general.. im gonna think on that but im not sure i know what u mean 🤔 i think i have to twist that one round a little fr it to make sense 2 me... id agree that people often have different motivations for transition & trans identity and that would affect how they define the term... i think that's sort of the same thing, it's just that u see being trans as smthn inherent to a person whereas i see it as a choice so we'd use different wording.

n yeah ive been thinking more abt where exactly i think legal lines n definitions need to be drawn i think im gonna make another post abt it but ur right that community, activism, & support are important regardless and i think for the most part CAN function regardless. & i understand ur concerns abt getting medical treatment - ppl always talk about 'trans healthcare' just meaning medical transition but that's mostly a whole separate thing to actual trans healthcare which is in a scary state rn (& getting scarier in some places - didn't one state recently pass a law that medical staff are legally allowed to refuse treatment if someone is lgbt?) (yeah i just checked of course its fucking florida 😑) n im sorry u have to live w that. u deserve proper care & treatment u deserve to live safe in the knowledge that u will receive that proper care & treatment.

thank u so much for weighing in!! its refreshing 2 get a different perspective here. peace & love & ray toro 😁✌️ <3

[autistic-shaiapouf]

I uh. think I might get the 2nd vaccine dose today

[nitewrighter]

Does Hanzo ever find out what Genji went through/what he was like during Blackwatch? If so, how does he react?

I think he does eventually, like... Genji lets him know that he was in a very difficult physical and emotional place with Blackwatch, and Hanzo’s able to pick up from Mercy that “Okay no, I don’t think you understand, it was really bad”--but she’s also fairly light on the details mostly for Genji’s sake like “Hey, I’m not going to tell you any more than Genji was comfortable with telling you.” And Zenyatta hangs back for the same reasons, and also he wasn’t there so he doesn’t want to distort the details from what Genji’s told him. So the one person Hanzo can actually get the full story from... is McCree.

Also this fic references the first meeting fic so yeah!

----

“Well?” Hanzo had one elbow resting on the bar. Music was faintly playing but it blended in with the humming murmur of the other patrons. Snowflakes were buffeting the glass of the windowpanes just outside and both of them had shrugged off their heavier coats. The bar itself had a homey, lived-in quality to it. Not dirty, but with a definite age to it that seemed to lend a further brightness to the bodies gliding through it and chatting. The icy Andean wind had heightened the redness of Hanzo’s nose and cheeks well before any alcohol had. It contrasted against the cold discernment of his dark brown eyes.

“I’m gonna answer your question with a question--” McCree started.

“Which isn’t an answer--”

McCree leaned back in his bar seat, folding his arms across himself. He almost looked sagely. “Are you asking this because you genuinely think it will help you get a gauge on your shit and move forward, or are you freaking out because things are going more okay than you think you deserve and feel a need to kick yourself square in the Rocky Mountain oysters?”

“Rocky Mountain--?”

“It’s this fried--I’m talking about--” McCree sighed and sipped his whiskey, “I’m saying you’re doing... you’re doing really well, Hanzo. You’re touching base with the team, reachin’ out, you seem to be sleeping and eating better, hell, you’re clutch on missions, but now you’re asking about this, and it worries me.”

“Why should it worry you?” Hanzo’s eyes narrowed.

“Because--y’know... I care about you. You’re a part of this team and I care about you... in a..” McCree cleared his throat, “Team-y way. And... you were stuck in a dark lonely place and I ain’t itchin’ to give you the means to go back there. ”

“But you can understand that the fact that I don’t have the full story distresses me more, can you not?” said Hanzo, “As well as the fact that knowing the more the truth of it is obscured with me, the worse I can assume the situation was.”

McCree scratched at his beard, frowning. “Yeah... yeah I can understand it--but I can also understand Mercy and Zen not spillin’ the beans on Genji’s account.”

“Mm...” Hanzo glanced off and sipped his own drink.

McCree twisted his glass slowly, “Then again, sometimes I think Reyes brought me on the team to begin with because I have a pretty high success rate with the whole, ‘Beg forgiveness before asking permission’ rate.”

Ana called you a charmer, the words almost slipped out of Hanzo but he wasn’t sure how they would land, so he held them in. Instead, Hanzo only mildly gestured at the bartender to refill McCree’s glass.

“Don’t think you’re getting it just because you’re gettin’ me drunk. It ain’t exactly a pretty story,” said McCree.

“I’m prepared,” said Hanzo.

McCree studied him a few moments longer, one hand still wrapped around his glass and one corner of his mouth pulled up with indecision before he closed his eyes and exhaled. “All right,” he said, “If only to keep you from kicking your own ass over what you don’t know.”

“I want you to start at the beginning,” said Hanzo, his stare steady.

“Well t’be fair, Blackwatch was casin’ Hanamura for months, even before your old man passed--er---my condolences--”

Hanzo snorted a little. “It’s... fine,” he said a bit awkwardly. He was more disarmed than really upset at the idea that McCree may have been far better versed in the activities of the Shimada Clan than he had really anticipated.

“Gérard, that is, our UN Attaché, had this whole thing about ‘pulling everything out to the light,’---And the fella was good at it. Could sniff out paper trails and track down dirty money like no other. The initial plan was to get Genji on possession charges and drag the whole clan out behind him. Your old man’s passin’--again, condolences--threw the whole schedule off though. And then we received additional intel that the Shimada dragons might be more.... uh... what’s the word for ‘unusual’ but it’s like... more business-y unusual?”

Hanzo shrugged.

“Un... Im... Uhhh.... Anomalous! That’s the word! Might be more anomalous than we thought and ‘warranting further investigation’ or whatever,” McCree seemed to be easing into the story now, plucking up details from debriefings, “SEP and all its affiliates had been more or less shut down post-Crisis, but there were still worries about human experimentation... strange abilities, and the like. And the dragon stories had been floating around your family for decades, but only when things got destabilized did we consider they might be more than stories. Then we got word that the wheels had been set in motion that the clan would kill Genji before we could get our hands on him--Arrest mission became extraction mission, and extraction mission became rescue mission. The time frame was so sudden we had to bring the Doc along because we thought she would be our best chance at saving him--She wasn’t in Blackwatch, you understand. Wasn’t too keen on undermining the Japanese government either. But... it turns out bringing her along was the right choice.”

Hanzo seemed to be maintaining a veneer of calm, but there was an unmistakeable new undercurrent of tension in his movements and expression as he sipped his own drink.

“You know what he looked like when you left him,” said McCree, “Do you really want me to go into the details there?”

“Yes,” said Hanzo.

McCree huffed and took another gulp of whiskey. The burn of alcohol rasped the first few words of his next sentence. “So it was me, Reyes, the Doc, and a handful of Blackwatch extraction medics touching down in Hanamura that night. Apparently the Shimada clan’s forces were decentralized from the castle. We infiltrated the castle grounds. Found a handful of your security already dead. Took out one more... left his body with the others. Didn’t have time to run a full investigation, or lock anything down. Finding Genji was the top priority. And we found him. Three limbs gone. Puddle of his own blood. Looked midway between... someone had dropped him in a garbage disposal but at the same time... not right--just... gone. The limbs were gone. The wounds were too clean but still bleedin’ out.”

Hanzo’s knuckles curled in, white and shaking as he took a steadying breath. “Consumed,” Hanzo said quietly, “The dragon consumed them.”

“I can stop--” McCree started.

“Finish what you start, Cowboy,” Hanzo’s voice was steady.

McCree swallowed. “I’d seen some fucked up shit under Reyes, but this... yeah, it was new. I kind of froze up, not quite scared, but just trying to make sense of it. But then I snapped out of it as the Doc rushed to him first. I had a vantage point in case other castle security showed up. Reyes was at the opening to that big-ass balcony so he could flag down our evac. So uh, what you need to understand here is that we uh... we actually had very little solid intel as to what the Shimada dragons were capable of.”

“...but I had left the scene well before this,” said Hanzo, trying to puzzle out the timeline of his own fleeing the castle grounds.

“Yeah it... wasn’t your dragon we saw,” said McCree, “See, the Doc, she had to do this... staff... defibrillation thing? I didn’t get a good look at it but Genji, he uh...started thrashin’ and this light sprang out of him. Bright green. Never seen anything like it. He was screaming. Next thing I know he’s grabbing Mercy’s neck.”

Hanzo flinched with some alertness. “What?”

“I mean--first instinct, I’m saying to Reyes, ‘Boss, I got a shot’--like, I know the mission was asset acquisition, but light show or not I wasn’t about to let him kill Angela, but then she hollers out ‘Don’t shoot him!’ And I’m stuck there looking to Reyes like, ‘You’re gonna override that, right?’ And... and Reyes was so calm... I--I could see him doing the math. Breaking people down to resources... breaking their deaths down to trade-offs...”

“You... thought you had to shoot Genji--” Hanzo’s brow was crinkling.

“If Reyes gave me the word,” McCree shrugged, then itched at the brim of his hat, “I never thought someone would hesitate on saving the doc like he was doing right there, though. But.... then she said something to Genji. Never asked what it was, but it seemed to calm him down before he passed out.”

“And you’re saying he grabbed her neck when they first met,” Hanzo’s eyes were narrowed, “But they’re...”

“Well, he was only half-conscious and in this full-on survival mode and she had just... jammed a huge amount of biotic-whatever into his chest. He didn’t know if she was helping or trying to... y’know it was like those times you nearly punched me in the face when I was trying to wake you up from those night terrors.”

“I’m sorry for that,” said Hanzo.

“Psh. If I had a nickel for every time someone took a swing at me out of some kind of traumatic reflex...” he smiled to try and make this seem more lighthearted than it actually was, but Hanzo seemed to still be processing everything, so McCree cleared his throat. “Word of advice, though, don’t make any ‘I guess you’re into that’ jokes with the doc,” he said with a nervous laugh, “No it uh... it took them both a while. I mean, there was this thing there, definitely, but yeah, they were both neck-deep in a whole bunch of shit for a while before they really acknowledged anything.”

“Did Genji take a swing at you?” asked Hanzo.

“Not outside of a Blackwatch sparring ring,” said McCree, “But Jesus, he was scary on the training floor. Still is, sometimes.” McCree paused for a few seconds. “He was obsessed with killing you, y’know. Taking down the whole clan and killing you. Every mission where he got a sniff of you, every mission he thought you might be there and you weren’t, he’d come back snarling.” 

Hanzo blinked a few times and glanced down. He knew it made sense, given the idea of justice their family had ingrained in them, but there was still an odd sting to the idea. But I’m his brother, he thought, but then he thought, But that didn’t stop me. 

McCree seemed to take Hanzo’s silence as permission to go on. “ I’d try to distract him... try to get his head out of his ass sometimes, but a lot of the time... you see any living thing in a state like that, all you can do is give it space. Genji did give us a decent amount of intel on the Shimada clan’s bigger operations... but when it came to actually getting in there... he was always the first one on the ground. As you can imagine, it was personal for him. There were a handful of bullshit ‘stakeouts’ in Japan where Genji would ditch me... I knew Reyes wasn’t telling me the whole story, then again, it wasn’t my job to know the whole story.” McCree sipped his drink. “Doesn’t mean I didn’t know what he was doing, though.”

“...killing heads of the clan,” Hanzo said quietly.

“Can’t exactly confirm or deny that but... yeah,” said McCree. A prickle of alarm seemed to go through him. “Look, I don’t want to kick off any more brother-killing fuckery--”

“You’re not, Jesse,” Hanzo’s voice was subdued, “I was the right hand of the clan... and the destruction wrought by Genji was, if anything, a product of my own actions.”

“Also his actions--He was fucking nightmare--I mean I liked him, but he was a fucking nightmare, sometimes. Lashed out--like... you didn’t really think of him as giving a shit about you with all that seething over the Shimada clan--- but then he’d know how to say something that hurts, and he knows exactly how it hurts, and you wouldn’t know if he learned how to hurt that bad from your family or just because he was hurtin’ that bad and---” McCree seemed to catch the alarmed look in Hanzo’s eyes, then took a steadying breath before sipping his drink again, “Look... this stuff... it’s all in the past. And he is a lot better now. And he is one of my best friends. Kind of wild how someone who hurt you that deeply can be a best friend like that, but... that’s kind of how life works. Kind of how this shit works when you don’t know if you’re coming back from that next mission. We’re all fucked up here. It’s about learning to take the fucked up parts of yourself and trying to make it into something that helps the people that mean something to you. ”

“The people that mean something to me...” Hanzo repeated quietly.  He remembered McCree’s words from his second night on the watchpoint. ‘We’re all just background noise to you. You’re just here so you can stop kicking your own ass after Genji.’ Then he remembered Genji’s words. ‘Well... you’ve been traveling the world for a decade... has there... been anyone? Anyone special? Anyone you loved?’

“...I feel like I’ve let that part of me atrophy,” Hanzo said quietly. Answering Genji’s question, not McCree’s words.

“Atrophy?” McCree repeated.

“When you don’t use a muscle for a long time and... it ceases to be able to functi--”

“I know what ‘Atrophy’ means--” McCree wasn’t making eye contact, “You let... caring about other people... atrophy,” he parsed, trying to trace out Hanzo’s thought process.

“Mm,” Hanzo took a sip of his own drink, “So while I was wandering in grief, Genji was consumed by pain and rage.”

“Which... he’s told you,” said McCree. 

“Well, yes, but he didn’t go into details,” said Hanzo, “I know, this might be difficult or painful to talk about, but I really do appreciate getting a more complete picture of what happened to him after my actions.” 

McCree tilted his own glass back and forth on the bar counter, letting the whiskey rock around the interior.“I know, but...don’t heap all this on yourself. Reyes always said he wanted the cockroach motherfuckers, and he was more than happy to let Genji snap and swear and lash out and burn the house down because that suited Blackwatch’s agenda better than, I dunno, therapy? Only when we got benched after the Venice incident did he yank in Genji’s leash, because hey, it turned out having a PTSD cyborg tearin’ around the base cussin’ people out wasn’t a good look for Blackwatch.” 

Hanzo huffed a little. There was an odd comfort in that. But then he paused, running over the course of McCree’s words in his mind. “...you keep bringing up Reyes,” Hanzo said, fixing his eyes on McCree.

“Sorry--I--I know this should be about Genji,” said McCree.

“No it... it gives some perspective,” said Hanzo, “You trusted Reyes, didn’t you?”

McCree’s mouth tightened for a few seconds before he drew in a short breath through his nostrils. “Yeah... yeah, I did. He just... I mean I’d keep telling myself I was my own person, that I did things with my own style, but so did he. So like... whether it’s ‘your own style’ from fuckin’ Santa Fe or Los Angeles... is there really that much of a difference? If you still picture yourself in their boots, give or take a decade or so?”

“Hm,” Hanzo was thoughtful at this, “I imagined myself in my father’s position so long that when everything came apart and I found myself wandering the world, dodging the clan’s assassins I felt... like a stranger.” 

“Kind of liked being a stranger,” said McCree with slight shrug, “Stranger’s from nowhere. Got nothing to prove.... guess it probably hits different if you got a whole... magical crime lord prince destiny thing, huh?”

“The dragon is not magical,” said Hanzo flatly, but a smile was tugging at his lips. 

“Debatable,” said McCree, “First of all: It’s a dragon.”

Hanzo snorted and a quiet pause passed between them. Not uncomfortable, but definitely tired, letting McCree’s words and all the pain and memory that came with them drift and dissipate into the warm air of the bar.

“...I could tell you more if you want,” said McCree, after a few beats. “I do have funnier stories... wasn’t all... ‘he was fucked up.’ And--Genji did seem to be getting better-ish towards the end there, once they put him on Tracer’s strike team... but by then Overwatch itself was coming apart.” He snorted. “I guess that’s kind of a running theme with this stuff.”

“I appreciate the offer,” said Hanzo with a slight chuckle. He paused. “Tracer’s strike team?”

“Well, she and Winston probably got more stories there than I do,” said McCree, “And maybe the doc, if it’s in good faith.” He sipped his drink. “You’re welcome to run off to try and ask them about it.”

“I think... this is enough for now,” said Hanzo. After a few beats he said, “You’re not... all background noise to me.”

“What?” said McCree.

“That... you said that on the second night,” said Hanzo, “It’s... it’s not that I don’t value life, or other people--I’m just... it’s been a very long time since I’ve worked with other people, since I’ve talked to other people on a regular basis like this, since I’ve stayed in one place this long, and...”  he trailed off, then took a sip of his own drink with some resolve, “I’m afraid,” he said, letting those words sit in the air for a few seconds, “I’m afraid of lending my abilities to another organization that’s used people to hurt other people and then tossed them aside. When your only connection to other people for most of your life was this twisted blood loyalty...” Hanzo trailed off.

“I’m scared of makin’ the same mistakes too, for what it’s worth,” said McCree, “I don’t think fear like that ever goes away.”

“Redemption’s a bitch?” said Hanzo with a slight smile.

McCree broke into chuckles. “You should swear more often. I feel like that’ll help.”

“You’ve sworn plenty for the both of us, tonight,” said Hanzo crisply, sipping his own drink.

“Still, I’m gonna make it a mission to get a ‘fuck’ out of you,” said McCree and Hanzo choked and sputtered. “I didn’t mean it like that! You know what I mean!” McCree was laughing as Hanzo’s attention was split between choking and laughing and desperately looking around for a napkin after spitting his drink. The bartender swooped by with a napkin and the laughs boiled down into chuckles as Hanzo cleaned up a bit. There was another pause then, that same settling of understanding.

“Thank you,” Hanzo said after a few beats.

“You already thanked me--don’t know what’s worth thanking about saying ‘hey your brother was fucked up and so were we.’”

“Honesty. I appreciate honesty.”

McCree smiled and then shrugged.“Hey--y’know, for all the shit I give you,” McCree started and trailed off, “What I said that night about... all of us being background noise... I know that.. that wasn’t really fair. You really didn’t know any of us and, y’know, as far as the general public is concerned, we’re a whole bunch of mercenary weirdoes doing vigilante shit.” 

“And Genji was the only person here I knew, and was really...” Hanzo sighed, “I suppose, I fixed him in my mind to be my last chance at humanity--and made myself out to be a monster to all of you in pursuing that.”

“Well... you’re doing better, I can tell you that much. And... y’know folks are warming up to you.”

“Except Angela,” said Hanzo, with a weary smile. 

“She needs time on that... I wouldn’t try to force it,” said McCree, “Baby steps and all that.” 

Hanzo huffed a little.

“Hey,” McCree lifted his glass, “To baby steps and runnin’ the hell away from all our old role models.”

“Indeed,” Hanzo clinked his glass against Genji’s. Both sipped their drinks and another pause passed over them. Hanzo felt McCree’s eyes on him and looked over at him.l

“Hey just so we’re clear,” McCree’s chin was in his hand, “I didn’t accidentally kick off some huge new bloody vengeance thing by telling you all this, right?”

“You did not,” said Hanzo with a wry smile.

“Oh thank god.” 

[grubloved]

hi do you have any advice on getting help doing things when getting help is one of the things that need doing? people mention medication and therapy for adhd but it feels like an insurmountable wall to even get started trying to figure out how. if not that's okay too i hope you have a great day :)

ohh :( it took me nearly two years of trying to finally get to the point of meds, so, i get you. it's hard.

i was lucky enough that my uni offered adhd diganosis services and managed to get diagnosed (after...missing so many appointments and trying again :'( ), but it took even longer to figure out how to get meds.

but like husbirde made a normal doctors appointment, walked in and said "hi i think i have adhd and id like meds" and they gave him meds THAT DAY. so it doesn't necessarily have to take ages!!! just one doctors appt can do a lot of good.

as far as research goes, this website made a big difference for me-- it has a lot of available information and resources so research was easier!!!! there's tips abt therapy and meds and coaching, about what theyre good for and what to expect. it helped me do the big task of identifying the problems i wanted to solve, which is really the first step. it also helped me like, even get an idea of what the possible options were and how to go about it at all? there's good stuff here.

keeping track of what is hard helped me get a handle on stuff-- i never realized how many classes i missed/all sorts of things until i started writing it down. try thinking abt what you want to be better -- do you want to be able to focus in lectures, or do things when you want to do them, or make it to work on time, or be less anxious, or etc? stuff like that. try writing that down, too! keeping your goals in mind is important because then u have specific problems to seek solutions for.

talking to other people is really helpful. if you have a close friend group or partner, calling & making a game plan together ("im gonna try and call the doctor on x day so i can get an appointment, can u help me remember?") is really good! my friends & husbirde helped me remember to go to appointments and look for stuff. friends are helpful both on and off line.

even just asking questions of ANYBODY ("how do i make an appointment??") makes a huge difference. the desk staff at every medical establishment want to help you. if you want to do something, you can call and ask! if calling is hard, they usually also have an email option of some kind. email is a little slower, but u can do it at any time, which is a big deal lol.

reducing effort is also good -- if calling ur doctor/a therapist is hard, check and see if theres a text or email option. if going to places on time is hard, look for telehealth. keep your shoes by the door, buy pre-made food, stuff like that.

weird little specific thing: it's always so so so much better to reschedule appointments for a different day than to miss them. if i was stuck and couldnt GO, calling the place and rescheduling made it so i still had a goal to shoot for.

and really, honestly, the main one: it's never too late. there isnt a time limit. my gramma's coworker just started adhd meds at 50. i made probably 6 appointments with the adhd guys before i made it to one to get diagnosed. its about like gathering up ur strength when you can and doing anything, even something small, to work towards making stuff better, and also giving urself space to mess up and move on.

but ahhh good luck. i know it's hard :( you're doing your best. it will be enough someday!!! dont give up. <3 <3 <3

[argumentl]

The Freedom of Expression Ep 7 - Comme Des Garçons, criticism of wigs used in show.

K: This is Dir en grey's Kaoru, with The Freedom of Expression. Um, Last time...Oh, Joe san, Tasai san, welcome. Last time...I don't know if it was that movie's curse, but suddenly, there were technical issues..with the video.

J: The video crashed when we were talking at the end.

T: Really?

K: Yeh. But it happened once at first.

J: Yeh

K: Then after it happened the second time, we re-shot it properly.

J: Yes, we had tried before that, but it crashed again. Only when we were talking about that movie.

T: The second try was the same?

J: Yes, the video crashed.

K: It was only when we talked about that.

T: Scary!

K: *laughs*

J: Up to then, the first three episodes had been fine, but it was only when we talked about Antrum, the movie where you die if you watch it, that the technical trouble happened. And it happened twice. We really experienced that.

Kami: Stop talking about this! *K laughs a lot*

J: Oh, Kami is scared...a cowardly god can't do a night shift by himself, can he?

K: Ok, Joe, the topic this time please.

J: Yes, please listen to this news I found interesting.

"Comme Des Garçons, criticised for 'cultural appropriation' due to wigs used in show."

The Japanese fashion brand Comme Des Garçons have been accused of cultural appropriation, after using wigs of a haistyle often seen on black people, for a white model.

Comme Des Garçons introducted thier male Autumn-Winter collection during Paris fashion week on January 14th. On this occasion, some white male models appeared on the catwalk wearing wigs fashioned in the style of cornrows, which are mutliple small plaits. Criticisms such as, 'Thats offensive', or, 'Japan's avant-garde brands have taken a step back', appeared on social media. Comme Des Garçons have put out the following in response : 'The wigs used in the Comme Des Garçons 2020 male Autumn and Winter collection show were inspired by the look of an Egyptian prince, and were not intended to hurt or offend anyone. We sincerely apologize if we have caused offense'. The hairstylist responsibile for the wigs, Julien d'Ys, responded to the criticism on his Instagram: ' The items worn for Comme Des Garçons were insipred by an Egyptian prince, a style which I found beautiful and inspirational, a homage. It was never intended to offend. If I have hurt or offended anyone, I am truly sorry.' Although this post gained over 2000 likes,  it also recieved a lot of criticism.

Well, rather than cultural appropriation, this could be seen as an issue to do with racism. Using a black hairstyle on a white person...there is possibly some anger as to why a cosmopolitan white person did this. I mean, when you think about white culture appropriating black culture, the origin of Rock music was Blues. White bands like The Rolling Stones copied what was originally black music, and as a result rock was born, blues spread...So rather than misappropriation of black culture, you could ask why a black hairstyle was used on a white model is so offensive. What do you think about this, Kaoru?

K: Hmm, well...It looks ok to me.

J: I also couldn't really see a problem..

K: If you think about it rather in terms of spreading culture, how does it seem? It seems like it isn't forcibly connected to black culture. They just want to say that.

J: Ah, about the complaints *1

Kami: Never take away the freedom of wigs.

J: Oh, we've come to the freedom of wigs? The choice of which wig to wear?

Kami: Yes..what type of wig should they wear?

J: Well, yes.

K: It might be like if a white person paints thier face to look like a black person.

J: Oh yeh, they used to do that in American comedies and such, white people would on paint thier faces to imitate black people, and black people were very insulted by this, so it became a problem. Well, if you are in Japan its not easy to understand, but you could say there is still quite a division, a wall...between white and black people.

K: Thats right.

T: What about that group 'Rats and Star'?

J: I don't think that was seen as a problem in Japan. Its because in Japan there were not that many black people here. If they did that in America they would be ridiculed.

Kami: Is painting your face white ok?

J: What do you mean? Painting your face to look like a white person?

Kami: No, painting your face completely white.

J, K, T: Ahh.

Kami: If a Japanese or Asian person did that, they wouldn't be seen as trying to imitate white people would they?

K: Ah, well..thats a good point, they wouldn't really.

Kami: If you say that, it never ends.

J: Yes, i think so.

Kami: So never take away the freedom of wigs.

J : The freedom of wigs *laughs*

Kami: Also never steal wigs.

J: Right...Are you surrounded by many people connected with wigs?

K: Oh, but there were also black models wearing these wigs!

J: Yes, there were..I can't help feeling this is close to an unjust charge...However, what exactly is discrimination/racism? On the one hand, when white people paint themselves, black people call out the discrimination, but racial discrimination is a very complex problem . To ask, 'what is discrimination?', well,  im gonna get serious here, 'discrimination' is something that can't be logically explained. For example, in America, university intake is very ethnically balanced. They are raising the pass numbers for Asians, or for black people, so as to maintain diversity. If they didn't, there would be only white people. So they go ahead and lower the number of passes for white people and raise them for black people, or that type of thing, or vice versa. So as for a logical explanation, no one challenges this in America. However, there was that news in Japan last year about lowering pass marks for female entrance to medical school. This could not be logically expained in Japan. For example, whether or not its right, if they had said there was a shortage of emergency staff in hospitals, so we need to utilize more male doctors from now on or something...then there is a possibility it might have been accepted, but actually that situation could not be logically explained. That was seen as total gender discrimination. In this current case, the Comme Des Garçons hairstylist has given a clear explanation, so if you try to pick a fight with that, this will never end. I do not think this is discrimination, I think the people who are saying that are the more prejudiced ones.

K: Yes

Kami: Japan is discriminatory, right?

J: Yes, I think it is. All countries have discrimination, but its become almost taboo to talk about discrimination in this country. Freely talking about these taboos isn't much forgiven by the media, so awareness towards them is steadily slipping away. In America you bump into these issues from time to time, so there are many opportunities for people there to talk about them, for better or worse. In Japan we don't have those opportunities, we don't get under the surface, and we just bury the problems.

T: We (Japan) are really bad at debate.

J: Especially.

T: It always ends up becoming an emotional debate.

J: Yes, it does.

T:....'I hate those guys..' etc.

K: Thats true, yeh.

J: Well, I don't think Comme Des Garçons needed to apologize really.

K, T: Yeah

J: People are quick to apologize these days.

K: Yeah

T: If you have an idea, you should assert it

J: Yes, yes, but they caused discomfort. If I had to say, anything you say can cause discomfort to someone.

K: Yes, i think so.

J: Do you get complaints?

K: I don't, but our office might, Im not sure.

J: Well, but I think art can hurt people, it can cause discord, right?

K: Mmm.

J: It can't be helped really.

Kami: No, but if you apologize, its all over quickly.

J: *laughs* I see. He's keeping it real. Kami, do you apologize when you make a mistake?

Kami: Oh, yes. Like, 'im sorry, im sorry!' *everyone laughs*

K: Even when you didn't do anything wrong?

Kami: Of course...it draws out if you get angry.

J: Well, yes.

K: Ahh, getting angry is annoying, so just apologize.

Kami: Yes, its too much, trouble so i just apologize.

K: How about that?

Kami: But never take away the freedom of wigs.

J: In relation to that right?

K: Okay well...

K,T: Yep

K: Thank you very much, please watch again next time.

T: And please subscribe.

*1 Did i understand this correctly?

*also, ヅラ is wig??

[the-crowess]

Altrovough: Adventure on Every Horizon

Chapter 1: Out of the Dark I hadn't been playing for six months. Not because it had become too expensive. Not because work became too much for me. Not because I got a significant other. Not because the community was bad or anything like that. No, I hadn't played in six months because my avatar was stuck in a trap.

            There are glitches, you see. Somehow in this modern VR experience there are still glitches. And with glitches comes assholes who use those glitches to their advantage.

            So, here's what happened to me: Me and my party went into a dungeon. We split up. Two went one way, two went the other, and I (though I protested) was by myself. Even though I had a lantern when I walked down into the hallway it was completely black. That should have been my first clue that this was a trap of some sort. My lantern still had fire, but no light was being produced from it. Being promised treasure and being a dumbass, I continued forward into the dark. After walking just far enough into the hallway to make the doorway disappear, I sprung a tile trap.

            The floor beneath me sloped downward and I fell rolling after it. Head over heels I fell until I smacked my face and passed out.

            I woke up in chains. I was propped up against a wall. My wrists above my head were on short chains, and my ankles on longer chains.

            Okay, I thought, no biggy. I'll just restart the day.

            Okay, so that didn't work. Which is weird... I'll call my party members...

            No service? What the fuck? That's not even an element in this game!

            Well, uh, okay I guess I'll just bust out of these—rusty—old—chains!

            ...

            Nope.

            After exhausting my options, then exhausting them again I logged off.

For months I kept receiving messages that players were interacting with my avatar, so I would log on, only for them to laugh at me and be utterly and completely unhelpful.

            My party visited me four separate times. And all of those times were to make fun or my misfortune, even though they knew that ANYTIME they could unlock the chains and release me. The first time it was all of them together. The captain Jockster (or Jerkstar as I call him) had squatted down in front of me and said, "this is what you get, you know. Playing this way has consequences. Thanks for taking one for the team." Then he had laughed like the drug addicted jackass he was. The others laughed with him. The second time it was only Aliciandria (our rouge) and Marlquan (our cleric). They had been discussing what to do with me when Alicandria accidentally kicked my foot and I responded, and I woke up to them talking about if they should just kill me so that they wouldn't have to worry about how people were judging them for not helping me. The third time it was just Havanio (the sorcerer). He woke me up, then sat across from me and said nothing for an hour. He just sat there like a fucking douchebag and looked at me like I was some caged beast put there for his entertainment. And the last time doesn't matter.

            Players of all kinds and from all districts would stop by only to laugh at me. I became a joke, and even more that that I became a meme! Screenshots of my avatar hanging there like a prisoner spread all over the internet. To add to my torture, a player whose avatar was a homely goblin woman would harass me constantly.

            Behind the happy smile of someone who literally baked cookies for visitors was a demented maniac. This guy—I know she is a he because he fucking DM'd me dick pics. I think he harassed me for three reasons: 1) I fell right into his trap 2) My avatar is a hot man and I think Little Miss Goblin Man is gay or more likely bi and uncomfortable with his sexuality 3) I think he thought he figured out that the gender of my avatar and the gender of myself might not be the same, and he was definitely trying to intimidate me. This asshole physically and sexually harassed my avatar, and I couldn't even report it!

            Not like I didn't try to report it—when I did the staff would send in an NPC (Non-Player Character) and see literally nothing. So, in this trap: it's a glitch mixed with a non-invasive virus; meaning the virus only effects this one spot and not the whole server or game. It can't get into your computer. It like can't get past the firewalls or something I don't really know.

            So, not only did this jack-wad figure out a way to trap me, but he also figured out how to keep his dirty deeds hidden from the staff. For almost three months I continued to check in. Two weeks after the initial incident I jumped at every UAN (Unconscious Avatar Notification) but I quickly learned that nobody wanted to help me, they all just wanted to see if the rumors were true and maybe get a picture. Eventually I stopped responding and eventually my avatar fell out of the popular meme rotation.

...

BEEP. BEEP. UAN! Someone's interacting with your character! 😊

BEEP. BEEP. UAN!! Someone's interacting with your character.

BEEP. BEEP. UAN!!! Respond you asshole! You should log on!

"Uhg! Fine!"

I left my lunch (thinking I would return to it real soon) and went to my game room to log on.

I woke to a girl poking my cheek. I snapped at her fingers.

"Oh! Fuck!" She pulled her hand away, shaking off the close call, "you're hard to wake up! Not much for answering your UAN's huh?"

Standing over me was a girl of maybe nineteen. Her clothes draped and flowed about figure in Cleric glory. Great. A fucking cleric. She wouldn't've stood out more. Dark skin with undoubtably "sea green" eyes. Her hair was done up in some completely unattainable style that was loopy with braids and pigtails sectioned into pompoms; it was a shade of maroon that says, "I'm a supporting character, but I want to think I'm a main character!"

"Is it true you've been down here six months?"

"O.O.G."

"What?"

"Out. Of. Game. I've been 'down here' six months out of game."

"Holy cow, man! That's a while."

"Did you need something?"

"Excuse me?"

I made cold eye contact with her, "Did. You. Need. Something?"

"Uh... wellllllll, I heard a rumor that there was some poor fuck stuck down here who can't get himself out."

"Oh. Fantastic." An awkward silence split between us, "well, thanks for stopping by. Take a screenshot, it'll last longer."

She stared blankly at me, "no. I think you misunderstand. I'm here to help you."

"What."

"I'm here to help you."

I couldn't think. Couldn't fathom this thing unfolding in front of me, "what?"

She began to fiddle with the chains on my wrist.

"Wait, no!"

She looked down at me the way a mom would look at her two-year-old who says he doesn't want to eat mashed potatoes because they have eyes and he doesn't want to eat mashed eyeballs.

"Wait." As my heart pounded loudly in my chest, I asked her, "what do you want from me? Like, you—you can't just want to let me go. You must want something from me."

She sat back down on her heels and looked away, her lips followed her eyes away from me and back, and she said, "Well, no. Not really. Like I said: I heard there might be some poor fuck who was trapped and couldn't get out on his own. I thought for my first adventure, I'd go get 'im." Then she went right back to messing with the chains.

I laughed and shook my head.

She stood up and put her hands on her hips, pouting. Lordy, she was cute. The puzzled look on her face gave me some hope that maybe she might actually be able to save me. With a huff she sat down again and confessed, "you're the only reason I got this game. You're a meme, a legend. You're so classic that you're practically nonexistent. Every time this game comes up in social media you're mentioned. On all the subreddits, and in the deepest parts of tumblr—you're there. I just had to come see if you were real, and I was—and still am—planning that if you were actually here that I would help you out."

"No catch?"

"No catch."

I smiled to myself, knowing now that it was I who had the advantage. I could use her. After all, every party needs a healer. Now I just had to make sure she wouldn't ditch me anytime soon. "Are you sure you don't want to try and find a catch? I was a level 52 before this whole ordeal."

She perked up, "what's your level now, cowboy?"

"35."

"What?! You're so dilapidated and all your equipment was stolen. H-HOW?"

"Cause I'm just that awesome." This should do it.

"I've changed my mind!"

Perfect.

"I want you as a bodyguard! For two years—"

"One year."

"Alright, one year." She looked like she wanted to ask me to shake on it, but then thought better of it, "can I please help you out now?"

"Yes."

Very quickly, and with very little trouble she released me from my chains. Bruises and scars tattooed my wrists and ankles. How the coding of this game works is literally so fucking far beyond me. I pulled my limbs into myself, feeling the stiff resistance of time.

"Can you get up?"

Without needing to consider it I said, "no, I don't think so. Do you have any potions that will give me a boost?"

"Oh yes! I knew that if I found you, you'd need medical help immediately, so I spent all the gold from my—"

"All your gold??? Are you stupid?"

"Whaaaa? I-I... I—just—"

"Whatever. We'll figure it out. What potions do you have?"

She nodded very curtly, and pulled up her bag contents and read them off to me: "fifteen Good Health Potions, fifteen Great Health Potions, fifteen Fantastic Health Potions, ten Boost 'Ems, seven Leaves Of Health, two Gladiator Liquid Bandages and two Beats of Life. What'll it be?"

"Gimme a Boost 'Em."

She tapped on the icon and a Boot 'Em materialized in her hand. She put it out to me, but when I grabbed for it, she pulled away. I of course made eye contact with her, thinking she was gonna pull a fast one on me. Instead she said, "Valhalla."

"What?" My immediate confusion fell away into fear. This must be a trick. But why would she do that? It doesn't make any sense. I'm clearly smarter than her. It's me that's tricking her, why would she—

"That's my name. Valhalla."

The interruption of my panicked thinking threw me off guard. That's a stupid name. Before I could tell her how stupid I thought her name was she put the Boost 'Em in my hand.

Taking the potion, I had trouble removing the cork. Valhalla silently offered her help, but I shooed her away. I grumbled something about how I was perfectly capable of doing it myself.

With much effort and significant struggling, I yanked the cork out and threw it over my shoulder. Only for it to bounce off the wall and back into my lap. With the kind of drunken vigor seen at taverns I swallowed the creamy blue liquid. The moment it touched my lips, a feeling of power hit me like caffeine in a low-calorie energy drink. Going down my throat it felt like warm milk and honey. Electrifying energy flowed outward from my middle. It snaked its way through my arms and legs. It made my fingers and toes tingle like pins and needles.

I leapt up, a new man. I knew this wouldn't last long, and I knew that later this would end up hurting me more, but fuck.

Fuck this feels good.

"Do you have any weapons?"

"Uh, yeah." Valhalla pulled up her bag again and tapped on the Equipment tab. "What do you want?"

There were certainly more weapons than should have been in her bag if she had just started, let alone had spent all her starter gold on potions. I chose to ignore this. "I'll take the mace." I reached up and engaged with the weapon. The heavy steel handle materialized in my outstretched hand. By the look on her face, it must have been the first time Valhalla had seen anyone engage. I'm glad I was able to be the one to show her, in all the glory I could muster.

"This is a pretty nasty weapon, baby." I swung it a couple of times, feeling the weight; testing the blow power.

"I picked it up because I liked the color!"

I laughed, "I guess I overlooked the purple steel, but this will do nicely."

"Nicely for what?"

"Do me a favor, doll. You see that door over there? Go knock."

"Okay, but," she came right up close to me and stuck her face in mine, "I'm not a fucking doll."

"Noted."

I followed her as she warily walked to the door of the goblin woman's kitchen. Valhalla knocked timidly on the door.

"Come in!" The goblin wench cooed, "I just baked some fresh cookies! We can pose next to the body if you want!"

I caught Valhalla frown and furrow her brows at "the body".

Oh how sweet this will taste, I thought as adrenaline pumped through my veins. I passed in front of Valhalla whispering, "stay back."

I slid through the open door. The goblin hag had her back to me, this couldn't have been planned more perfectly. I crept up behind her with my mace raised above my head and my six-foot-five shadow engulfed her. She turned around with horror, a tray of cookies in hand. Her eyes widened and she tensed as if she were to scream.

But I didn't give her a chance.

"Your actions have consequences."

I let the mace fall down upon her head. The crack of her skull resonated harmoniously with the clang of the cookie sheet on the ground. Giddy joy sprung forth from me as I smashed the mace into her again and again. The second blow shattered her ribcage. Her ribs sprang up and splintered through her tissue. Smashing her hands made her fingers pop off, they flew in all directions. A blow to her thigh created a fountain. Warm blood hit my bare chest, my exposed legs. It splattered on my face. It coated my hands. It made the mace slippery in my hands. Her blood soaked what little was left of my shorts. It sprayed the walls, the kitchy table and chairs, the coffee pot and baking ingredients. Blood decorated the cookies that now laid scattered on the floor. 

Satisfied by the pulpy mound of oozing, squirting flesh and bone I subsided. Reaching down, I tore a blood-soaked rag from her dress. Turning to the wall I wrote LEAVE.

Standing back, I let out a heavy sigh. The effects of the Boost 'Em would soon wear off. I turned around and cracked my neck. I looked over in Valhalla's direction, but over her head. "I need some new clothes." I declared.

She stared at me. Her eyes pulled mine in and her mouth morphed into a grin, "fuck. YEAH!"

"Huh??????"

"Dude she called you 'the body'. And we both know that she was the reason you were stuck down here. Plus: THAT WAS AWESOME!!! I am so glad I came to find you! Best $130 dollars I ever spent." She then ran up and hugged me. The contact made me tense up.

I shook out of her embrace, "let's get out of this dungeon."

She led the way out. It was different from the way I had come in. We walked down the hallway that I had stared at for so long, hoping that somebody, anybody would come for me. Not ten feet into the tunnel we turned a corner and there was the exit. My stomach dropped. I felt sick.

It had been so close the whole time. Learning this made me want to revive that sonofabitch just to kill her all over again.

Emerging into the sunlight hurt my eyes. I was blinded.

What a sight we must have been. Myself: six-five, soaked in blood, starved, almost naked. Her: small, sweet-looking, fresh-faced, and not a drop of blood on her.

I still couldn't really see when somebody started talking. "Hey, are you guys okay?"

"Oh, we're fine," Valhalla sang sweetly sang sweetly next to me. At that very moment, I lost all my energy. My health bar plummeted, and sirens rang through my headset. My vison flashed red. I fell to the ground.

The group that had approached watched, alarmed. Valhalla looked like she wanted to eat her words.

Stupid girl. She had no idea what to do.

I had fifteen seconds before I'd die. This had happened once before when my former party and I had just started the game. We got attacked by a level 20 dragon and one strike had me seeing red.

10 seconds.

They were bickering about the best course of action. They had no idea I was on the brink of death. Valhalla stared at me looking like a lost idiot.

The sky began to spin. Valhalla's blurry silhouette swayed above me.

Did she forget about all that stuff she bought? How many gaming hours did she log before she came to find me? Did she even go on the tutorial adventure? I mean, you can technically skip it, but—

"BEAT." I coughed out then my head lolled.

The party erupted into tense panic.

5 seconds.

Oh please, please Valhalla. Please don't let me die. After all, you told me you came to save me. So save me!

Just as if she could hear my internal pleas, a beat was shoved in my mouth and my jaw forced upward from the outside to crush it. The juicy tuber gushed in my mouth. I felt Valhalla's hand on my lips, pressing down to keep everything in. I'd heard rumors of the experience of Beat of Life. Some players said they almost wish their party members would have let them die. The juice was hot, potent, and sour. So sour is made my jaw ache. It felt like someone was twisting a wheel, making my jaw tighter and tighter. My teeth felt like they were going to pop out of their gums. It burned my throat, made my eyes water and my nose run. My stomach did not want to accept it. I wanted to throw up, but I couldn't move. Hot flashes waved through my body. An ocean of churning heat pushed and pulled at my organs, my brain. I could feel myself sweating. Growing hotter by the moment. My head swam. My limbs grew numb. I passed out.

I was saved. Unconscious, but saved.

But Valhalla didn't know that. Stupid girl, skipping the tutorial. What was she thinking? Guess I'd have to ask her when I woke up.

And so I took off my headset and it was dusk.

[sojourner-between-worlds]

Merry Band of Misfits

Fandom: Alex Rider/ Hawaii Five-0

Summary: After an incident, child services questions whether Steve is truly a good fit for Alex. Steve won’t stand for Alex being taken from him of course, and Danny is right there with him.

A/N: This started out as a little angst, a little comfort, and a whole lot of cheese, but somehow it turned into a little cheese, probably a lot of inaccuracy of how the system works, and a ton of angst sprinkled with comfort. What ya gonna do, tho, lol.

. . . .

They were still chasing their suspect through the crowded outdoor market when Steve’s phone vibrated incessantly in his pocket for the third time. His mind immediately jumped to Alex, wondering if he was okay, but he couldn’t exactly answer at the moment. Ready to be done with this chase and praying the call wasn’t anything too serious, he jumped up onto a low, narrow wall. Now moving faster than the man attempting to push his way through, it took less than a minute to catch up. Launching himself off the wall, Steve tackled the man to the ground.

“Oh, just give it up,” Steve grumbled at the still-struggling man underneath him as he wrenched the suspect’s arms around and zip-tied his wrists together. He pulled the man back up to his feet as the rest of his team finally caught up. “Book ‘im, Danno.”

After they had pushed their way back out of the market, Steve finally fished his phone out of his pocket.

3 Missed Calls - Kapi’olani Medical Center

He stopped dead in his tracks, heart in his throat, as he played back the voicemail they’d left for him. It didn’t give him much to go on, unfortunately, but since the woman had introduced herself as a child advocate with the hospital, that didn’t bode well. He didn’t hesitate to call her back.

The other end rang twice before the same woman who left the message, Alana Kelekolio, answered.

“Yeah, this is Commander McGarrett. You called about Alex? Is everything okay?”

. . .

As Steve stormed into the office, he didn’t fail to notice the two people in the room who were clearly not medical staff, but for the moment he ignored them, opting to head straight for Alex, who had stood up as he had entered.

“Hey, you all right, kiddo?” Steve asked, wrapping him in a hug.

“Shoulder hurts, but otherwise I’m fine.”

Steve snorted. “Yeah, that happens when you dislocate it. What happened?”

Alex shrugged his good shoulder. “Got my feet tangled up with Nathan’s fighting for the ball during practice and fell.”

“Yeah, you might need to spice that story up a bit before you tell it to anyone else.” That comment finally pulled a small smile out of the teen as Steve turned to address the other two people in the room. “So we’re good to go then?”

“Not quite, Commander.” A man Steve vaguely recognized as Alex’s social worker stood up and stepped forward. He’d been by the house a handful of times, but Steve honestly had a hard time remembering his name; he didn’t leave much of an impression. Robert something, maybe? Robert Kent? That sounded right. “If I could have a word with you alone?” he asked, gesturing towards the door.

Once they had stepped out and the door had clicked shut behind them, Robert continued. “This is negligence at best, Commander.”

“What do you mean?”

“You are Alex’s only emergency contact.”

“Yes, and here I am. So what?”

“The only reason I am here is because the hospital couldn’t get a hold of you.”

“I was literally in the middle of chasing a human trafficker through Chinatown. What was I supposed to do, huh? Ask him to wait while I answer my phone?”

“And that is exactly why Alex’s case is going to be reviewed.”

For the second time in an hour, Steve felt his heart jump into his throat. “What does that mean?”

“It means I think someone was a little quick to hand you Alex’s custody, so there is going to be some careful thought as to if this is really the best situation for Alex.”

. . .

“I could have punched him, Danny. Was it oversight on my part? Yes, I’ll admit that it was. Initially I wasn’t sure who else to put down since chances are if they can’t get me then they wouldn’t be able to get any of you guys either. So I put it off -- a little too long evidently -- but reviewing his case over that?”

Danny sat quietly, watching as Steve paced, waiting for him to finish.

“I mean, isn’t that a little extreme? Especially coming from a guy who talks to Alex for maybe ten minutes in a month. He doesn’t know anything.” Steve stopped with his back to Danny, a long sigh escaping. “He’s finally starting to settle a little and they’re about to take all of the progress he’s made away.”

“That does seem like a little much,” Danny sighed when it seemed like Steve was done. “Especially for something that’s a quick fix. Did he tell you how soon they’d make a decision?”

“End of the week.” Steve plopped down into one of the chairs opposite Danny’s desk, rubbing wearily at his temples.

Danny nodded. “Okay. I’m assuming you plan to fight this if they decide to pull him, right?”

“You have to ask?”

“If it comes to that, you know I’ll do whatever I can to help. I’ve got your back, babe.”

Some of the tension bled out of Steve’s shoulders at Danny’s words. “I know. I know you do. Thank you.”

. . .

Alex stopped at the end of the driveway, staring at Steve’s truck with a frown. They’d left at the same time that morning so Alex knew Steve had driven himself to work. If it was here, that meant Steve was home already -- very, very early.

Which likely meant something was wrong.

He parked his bike next to the garage and went inside to find Steve sitting on the couch, elbows on his knees, chin resting on his clasped hands, face pensive.

Steve dropped his hands, face softening slightly, when he noticed Alex. “Hey.”

“You’re home early, which is never a good thing. What’s wrong?”

Sighing deeply, Steve motioned to the spot next to him on the couch.

Alex dropped his bag onto the stairs and sat down.

“I already tipped you off, so I’ll just get right to the point. You -uh, you remember on Tuesday when you got hurt at practice?”

“Hard to forget. Go on.”

“The hospital called in child services when they couldn’t get me right away, and that made them...less than happy.”

Alex’s stomach dropped. When he spoke, the words didn’t feel like they were coming from his own mouth. “They’re taking me away, aren’t they?”

Steve sighed again. “They want to, but I’m not letting that happen without a fight. I told you from the start that I’m not gonna leave you on your own, and I meant it -- I still mean it. I have a hearing with a family court judge in a few weeks to decide the final verdict.” He wrapped an arm around Alex’s shoulders, and the teen easily melted into his side. “I’m not going to let them take you, Alex. Okay?”

“Okay. I trust you.”

As true as those words were, they still felt hollow on Alex’s tongue. He wanted to believe them but he knew it wasn’t as simply as that either. No matter how much faith he had in Steve, they could still take him away.

And there would be nothing either of them could do about it.

. . .

The hearing was not going well and Danny knew it. Robert Kent seemed bent on removing Alex from Steve’s custody and was bringing up every even slightly questionable thing Steve had ever done, whether it related to Alex’s care or not.

And Danny was done listening.

“And furthermore, it was clearly negligence on Commander McGarrett’s part in failing to list a second emergency contact.”

“Your Honor, I’m sorry to interrupt, but to be honest, none of this is in any way relevant.”

“Detective Williams, this is not your forum, and I do believe I am perfectly capable of determining what is relevant and what is not.”

“Yes, I am aware of that, and I apologize -- I really do -- but if I may, I have something I need to say.”

“I do believe you will already be giving a statement.”

“I will be, but this has nothing to do with what I’ve planned to say, your Honor.”

The judge was silent for a moment before saying. “I’ll allow it, but keep it brief, Detective.”

“Your Honor, with all due respect, if you allow Alex to be taken from Commander McGarrett’s custody based only on what you have heard so far, then you will be making a huge mistake.” He paused, taking a deep breath. Steve was either going to hug him or kill him for this later. “I’ve known Commander McGarrett for a long time now, and I will be the first to admit that I hated his guts back then. I thought he was completely irresponsible and reckless. But here’s the thing: he’s downright terrible at first impressions. So forget the bad first impression you’ve been given here so far today because what you are probably thinking is exactly what I thought, too. But the fact of the matter is, your Honor, that I trust him with my life and, moreover, with the lives of my own children.

“See, first impressions don’t tell you everything about a person. My first impression didn’t tell me that his guy was going to give me a place to belong in a place that I hated and a family in a place where I had no one.

“If the other members of Five-0 could be here right now, I know they’d say the same because Steve McGarrett likes to fix broken things. He has again and again taken the outcasts and the misfits and given them a place to call home. All of us at Five-0 are a family.

“And Alex is part of that family now, too.”

Danny paused; he’d been told to keep it short and he was sure he’d already talked longer than the judge wanted, but he hadn’t been stopped yet either.

“Right now, Mr Kent is trying to tell you from a collection of ‘first impressions’ why Commander McGarrett is unfit to be a parent, so allow me to tell you why Mr Kent is dead wrong.

“In the past eleven months, Alex has gone from withdrawn and emotionally volatile to outgoing and emotionally stable -- as stable as any teenager can be, anyway. In the first three months alone Alex was diagnosed with PTSD, properly medicated to help mitigate symptoms, and started in therapy -- all things that should have happened much sooner but were easily overlooked as he was written off as a ‘problem child’ and quickly passed around between homes like he didn’t matter -- and maybe to those people, he didn’t.

“But therein lies the fundamental differences between everyone else Alex has been placed with and Commander McGarrett: instead of calling Alex the problem, he addressed the problems Alex had, and -- maybe even more importantly -- he has never once even considered giving up on Alex.

“Commander McGarrett may not be the perfect parent, but he is a good one, and he does genuinely care about Alex’s well-being and wants the best for him. One oversight that is easily corrected -- because make no mistake, that’s the real reason why we’re here right now -- should not detract from all the good that has already happened -- and it has happened, your Honor; I’ve witnessed it myself. And that is how I can say with absolute confidence, your Honor, that if you allow this to happen, you will be making a huge mistake.”

Danny sat back down in the eerily quiet courtroom.

The judge cleared her throat. “Thank you, Detective Williams. Your words will be taken into consideration.”

. . .

Alex couldn’t concentrate, plain and simple. Steve had offered to let him stay home from school but Alex had declined, thinking it would be a good distraction. But it wasn’t, and he was seriously considering going to the office and signing himself out for the day. His anxiety was the worst it had been in months so he doubted they would make him stay, but would it really be any better if he went home? He doubted it. So at school he would stay for the long four hours that still remained.

Maybe.

He really wasn’t sold on the idea.

(But, again, being home alone probably wasn’t the best idea either, but those were his only two options.)

He forced himself to take a couple of deep breaths; having a panic attack in the middle of World History would not do.

Somehow he made it through the rest of the class and to lunch, skipping the line and heading straight to his usual table, folding his arms and resting his head on them. Maybe if he could close his eyes and focus on his breathing for a minute then his stomach would dislodge itself from his throat and go back to where it belonged.

“Alex?” The clunk of a tray against the table and the thud of a bad against the floor accompanied the voice.

“Hm?”

“Maybe you should go home, man.”

“‘M fine.”

“Yup. That’s very convincing.”

Alex took a breath and raised his head just enough to glare at his friend. “I’m fine, Koa.”

“Ya know, I actually have to agree with him for once,” Nathan said as he slid into the seat next Koa. “You really don’t look good, man.”

Letting his head thump back down, Alex muttered, “It’s just anxiety. It’s nothing.”

A pause, then, “Alex. Go home. I’m serious.”

Alex knew they were right, but… He pushed himself all the way up, meeting their concerned gazes. “I really don’t want to be alone so school is the better option right now.”

Koa shrugged. “Then call Commander McGarrett.”

“Can’t. He’s in court right now, and I don’t know when he’ll be out.”

As if on cue, his phone vibrated in his pocket with a text from Steve.

Steve McGarrett: Hearing’s over. They’ll call with the decision sometime this evening. Are you doing okay?

Alex sighed in relief; Steve always seemed to know when he was struggling and Alex didn’t feel guilty about admitting it if someone asked first as opposed to him just saying it.

Alex Rider: Honestly not really. Steve McGarrett: Omw

“He’s coming to get you, isn’t he.” It wasn’t a question.

Alex nodded. “Yeah. I’m just...gonna head to the office then. See you guys tomorrow.”

“No, you won’t.”

Alex glanced at Nathan as he stood up. “What?”

“No school? It’s Thanksgiving.”

Alex stared blankly for a moment. “Oh. Right. Forgot. Uhm, Monday -- I’ll see you Monday.” I hope.

By the time he got to the office, Steve was already there, still in his dress blues from the hearing, and it took Alex a minute to realize that Steve must have been headed this way to get him already even as he’d texted.

“So how’d it go?” Alex asked as he settled into the passenger seat of the truck.

Steve let out a heavy sigh. “Well, not as good as I’d been hoping, honestly, but not horribly either. We’ve still got a shot.” He paused, shifting into drive and pulling away from the curb. “So what would you like to do with this suddenly school-free afternoon?”

Alex shrugged, worrying his bottom lip. His anxiety was still through the roof so he honestly didn’t want to do much of anything.

“Did you eat?”

Busted. Once again, Steve always seemed to know. Swallowing around the lump in his throat, he shook his head, stomach still rather queasy.

Expression full of understanding, Steve nodded once. “Okay. I want you to try when we get home though, all right?”

Alex took a deep breath. “No promises on success.”

“That’s okay. Just try.”

“Okay.”

The rest of the ride was relatively silent apart from Steve assuring him that he didn’t need to worry about school or homework, that they would just relax until they had news. 

Once home, Alex changed from jeans to sweats; no need to be anything less than completely comfortable all things considered. Alex sat down on his bed, listening as Steve went down to the kitchen to find something for them both to eat. Simultaneously exhausted and restless, he honestly didn’t know if he’d rather take a nap or run a marathon. His breathing hitched, and he tried to push everything he was feeling into nice, neat compartments. He knew he shouldn’t, that he should just get it over with and deal with it now, but if he could shove it away for only a few more hours, then he wouldn’t have to deal with it at all. (Because in a few hours they would get word that he was staying -- he would be -- because if he wasn’t, he didn’t know what he would do.)

Calloused hands gently pried his apart, and as Alex’s eyes slowly focused on where Steve knelt in front of him, he wondered when the man had even come in. How long had he been sitting here that Steve had had to come up to get him?

“Oh, kid.”

Those two words were all it took to open the floodgates. An ugly, hysterical sob tore out at the same time Steve pulled him into a hug.

Alex wasn’t sure how long they sat there before the knot in his chest eased and the sobs pettered off into hiccups, but he did know that he didn’t feel any better. Wasn’t that what was supposed to happen? But he didn’t, exhaustion settling even thicker in his bones, his stomach still uncomfortably lodged in his throat. If anything, he only felt worse.

“How are you feeling, buddy? Any better?”

“Not really.”

Steve hummed in thought before he said, “Why don’t you come lay down on the couch and watch a movie with me, and we can go from there. Okay?”

He didn’t want to move, but lying down definitely sounded nice. “‘Kay.”

Steve took one corner of the couch, and Alex curled up next to him, head on the man’s thigh. Some Disney movie played quietly on the TV, but Alex wasn’t really paying attention. Time seemed to drag on; it could have been hours or only minutes before Steve asked if he was feeling up to eating. Alex could only shake his head in response and, strangely enough, Steve didn’t push it.

Then finally -- finally -- Steve’s phone vibrated with an incoming call. Glancing at the ID displayed on the screen, Steve murmured, “This is them,” before picking up. “Steve McGarrett.”

Alex sat up. He had thought he’d feel something when the call came, but all he felt was numb.

After a moment, Steve said, “Thank you very much for calling.” As soon as he’d set his phone down, he turned to Alex and wrapped him in a hug. “Remind me to thank Danny by picking up his tab at Side Street next time. Looks like you’re stuck with me for a little bit longer, buddy.”

It took a moment longer than it should have for the meaning of those words to register, but when they did, Alex almost felt like crying all over again. Instead he tightened his grip and breathed for what felt like the first time in weeks. He couldn’t help but think that maybe Steve really had been telling him the truth all along, that maybe it would actually be true this time.

Maybe he really would never have to be alone again.

. . .

“So, a little birdy named Lou told me you might be needing someone as a second emergency contact for Alex,” Renee commented as she mixed up a salad at the counter. “If you haven’t figured someone else out already, you can always put me down, you know; I don’t mind.”

“Really?” Steve asked, glancing up from the pan he’d just pulled from the oven. “I hadn’t figured that out yet, so I’d really appreciate that actually.”

“Shoots, a sista beat me to it,” Kamekona said from the doorway. “I was gon’ offer, too.”

“As was I,” Max added as Steve turned the corner, carrying the turkey to the table. “Given my profession, I surmised it to be highly unlikely I would not be able to get away if called upon.”

“Great minds think alike,” Jerry piped up next. “I mean, I don’t exactly ever have anything I couldn’t step away from if you needed me, after all, and when I work with you guys I’m not really in the field for all the dangerous stuff, anyway.”

Danny laughed as he came out of the kitchen, carrying more dishes. “So, uh, you think child services will be happy now with that many numbers to choose from?”

Steve couldn’t help but chuckle. As Alex came up beside him, he threw an arm around the teen’s shoulders. “I’ve definitely got a lot to be thankful for his year, you know that? So, thank you, guys -- I mean that; it’s been quite a year and I couldn’t have done this without all of you.”

“You don’t need to thank us,” Chin replied with a smile. “We’re ohana; it’s what we do.”

“Yeah, if anything we should be thanking you,” Kono added. “None of us would be here right now without you.”

Steve looked around at the people he called family and realized that Danny had been only partially correct. He may have created a space for them all to belong, but he needed it just as much as everyone else did. They had rescued him just as much as he had rescued them.

A merry band of misfits -- maybe that was just how it was always meant to be.

. . . .

Tags: @diekatimitdemhutohnehut @just-add-butter

[the-real-nekoma-kenma]

Marauders Discovery:

James, Sirius, and Peter were all very concerned. It had nothing to do with their grades in charms class or something to do with Lily. Nothing of the sort. It was about Remus.

Where was he? Why did he keep disappearing every once in a while? Why was it that new scars would appear every few months? Whenever he disappeared, why did he always end up in the hospital wing? All of the marauders were extremely concerned and no matter how much they brain stormed the situation, they couldn't find a plausible answer to the questions.

During one of their "why is Remus being weird" sessions, he walked into the common room carrying several books in a tote with dead eyes and pale skin.

"Remus, hey, are you okay? You look terrible. Are you sick? Need any help?" Sirius inquired. All that he got in response was a simple head shake and a few little grunts.

Remus walked over to the nearest couch, plopped down, grabbed a book, and started reading. The rest of the marauders studied him carefully, watching his eyes scan the pages and flip through the book a bit more aggressively than he would usually treat a book. Remus's eyes started to flutter shut until he finally gave into sleeping and set the book down in his lap.

"I don't want to alarm anyone, but did you guys see the title of the book he was reading?" Peter asked, noticeably scared.

"No, why? What did it say?" James shot up in response.

"Well... it was a little hard to make out but I think it said something about Lycanthropy. He brought in more books with him too. What are they about?"

Sirius butted into the conversation quickly, "Maybe he's just studying up on werewolves for some reason. It's Remus you guys, he's kind of a nerd, ya know."

James sat cross legged tapping his fingers against his thighs in thought.

"Okay, I've got two ideas. Both of them are terrible but I say that we look at the rest of the books before we make any assumptions. Idea one, Remus is a light sleeper so if we walked towards him he'd wake up sooooo let's just drag the bag towards us from here."

"Dragging the bag would probably make a bit of noise though," Sirius rebutted.

"Well that's why I made another plan Pads. Okay so plan number two." James turns and stares Peter in the eyes.

"You turn into a rat and jump in his bag, look around, see what all is going on"

"Nuh-uh. Not a chance. I'm already scared plus if someone sees me they're probably gonna try and light me on fire because oh my god it's a rat, kill it!"

Sirius butted in again, "Have James pick you up and then drop you into the bag. He walks the quietest out of the three of us. Or, I could do my thing and turn into a dog and you can hang onto my fur. The last one wouldn't be comfortable for either of us but nobody would notice you."

Peter pondered about his new options for a second before finally giving into intrigue.

"I... suppose James can carry me and then drop me in the bag, just be careful please!"

"Alrighty. Will do, now hurry up and transform before he wakes up."

Sirius threw a glance over his shoulder at Remus sleeping peacefully and smiled softly.

"I doubt that he'll be waking up anytime soon. That's what he looks like when he's been studying for hours on end and finally falls asleep. It's not deep, but it lasts a while."

"Ey mate, how do you know all that? Sounds like you're being a creeper," James said back to him while winking.

"Doesn't matter," Peter chimed in, "I'm already changing so get ready to drop me in his bag," he said his voice starting to get higher with each word and his body getting shorter with each second that passed.

James scooped him off of the ground and closed his hands around the small rat boy as best as he could while silently approaching the couch that Remus was asleep on, small, quiet snores escaping his scarred mouth. James crouched down a little, then allowed Peter to run down his hand and jump into the bag.

After a few minutes passed, Peter came scampering back quickly changing out of his animagus form.

"What'd you find!" both Sirius and James said simultaneously.

Peter, out of breath, starts talking with a panicked tone.

"Besides his text books for class, I found two other books about lycanthropy and a journal. I couldn't really get a good look at the journal but it had several scratch marks on the cover and several pages seemed to have been bitten off. There was also a calendar in the back, and get this. Every day that Remus disappeared, there was a black dot on the calendar date."

"Was there a pattern to the dots?"

"It didn't seem like it at first but over time they started to span just one week apart. Actually, what's today, Saturday?"

"Yeah, why"

"Well," Peter gathered his thoughts, "the calendar had a black dot almost every Friday. Where do we usually find Remus at on Fridays?"

"He's usually wandering outside most of the day. Although he does tend to look at the sky a lot and around dinner he runs off saying that he doesn't feel good and starts heading towards the bathrooms" Sirius said while scrunching his face.

"Wait a minute," Sirius said, something dawning on him, "He actually never comes back to dinner and he's never in the common room either. I've even waited for him to get back a few times and he never does. Plus, the next day he's always in the hospital wing looking about as pale and tired as he does right now."

"Actually..." James thought it over in his head, "yeah, you're right. He's always either in the hospital wing or just coming back from it and he looks pretty terrible most of the time."

Remus started to roll around on the couch, scratching at his skin in his sleep and whispering things that made no sense.

"Sirius. Go wake him up and walk him to bed. I think he likes you the best so he's more likely to accept your help."

Sirius nodded, then got up and gently shook him awake. He whispered a few things to him and then hoisted him up gently. They both disappeared up the staircase, Remus leaning into Sirius while he was walking.

James sighed both in relief and stress.

"Do you think we should tell Dumbledore? Or at least ask if we're right? He's bound to know whether or not there's a werewolf running around on campus."

Peter adjusted the way he was standing to make it look like he was popping his back and then whispered 'not now' into James' ear.

They both sat on the floor quietly pondering what they had just potentially discovered. If the headmaster didn't know, Remus would be expelled and that was the last thing that any of them wanted. If he did know, what would he do about the Marauders and the fact that they knew as well.

"Hey, Peter."

"Yeah Prongs?"

"How long has Moony and Padfoot been upstairs for? Pads should have come back down by now."

"I mean... it's been a hot minute. Should we check on them?"

"I'll go check on them, if im not down in 5 minutes then you come up yourself."

James stood back up and walked up the staircase. As he got higher up and closer to where all of their beds were, he heard sobbing coming from a corner of the room and the sound of someone hushing them.

"Lumos"

Sirius was laying against the wall with Remus sitting on his lap crying while staring at his hands and pulling at his hair. Sirius kept trying to calm Remus down by pulling his hands out of his hair or by just covering up his hands with his own.

Sirius had just noticed James standing there holding out his wand in the dimly lit corner and gave him a "don't ask questions, I'll explain tommorow" look. James lowered his wand and quickly extinguished the light before walking down the stairwell again to approach Peter, standing there looking as nervous as ever.

"So?! What happened? Are they both alright?"

James had this sense of calmness washing over him after seeing just how much Sirius cared for his friend.

"Everything is fine, they both went to sleep and Remus is starting to get the colour back in his skin."

-------------------

Not one of the three Marauders had mentioned anything about Remus' possible werewolf form except to each other via notes in class or whispering plans in the hallways. They had decided that on Friday, right after dinner, they would ask Dumbledore if he knew or not.

Sirius was the most scared about the plan because he didn't want his best friend to be expelled over something that he couldn't control.

James was confident in the plan to succeed since Peter had been the one to plan it.

Peter spent every possible moment thinking of flaws in his plan, despite the obvious one of 'Dumbledore might not know and expel Remus' he thought about what would happen to the Marauders for figuring it out.

On Wednesday, James and Peter went to the hospital wing to try and get any information about Remus' condition from them. The one nurse who cared for Remus the most said that she was sworn into secrecy about what was going on with him, but then again, all of the medical staff at Hogwarts were sworn to secrecy over all of their patients. It was the patients decision to tell people what happened or not to.

----------------

Friday night dinner happened and half way through it, Remus got up to leave as expected. The rest of the group waited around ten minutes, then sought out Dumbledore to ask him the topic on everyone's mind. Was Remus actually a werewolf and if so did Dumbledore know or not.

The three of them went up to the professors table and asked to speak with him in private. Dumbledore knew that whatever it was, it was extremely important, or at least to them it was.

He lead them up into his office and that was when each of the Marauders tightened up. Sirius was on the brink of tears and Peter was right behind him on it. James had to ask the questions because neither one of them could do it.

"So. Mr. Black, Mr. Potter, and Mr. Pettigrew. What seems to be the issue? I notice that Mr. Lupin isn't with you. How bizarre."

Nobody could read the professors thoughts and his face was like stone, only cocking an eyebrow with a small welcoming but deceptive looking smile.

James stepped forward, sweat starting to run down the back of his neck.

"Sir, we have some questions about Remus. He seems to constantly be disappearing and when he comes back, he's always drained of energy and looks sick. We also noticed that he was reading books on lycanthropy and it made us all wonder... is Remus a werewolf?"

Dumbledore's face shifted from welcoming into discomfort and looked down at the floor while pacing between his desk and the group of students before him.

After a minute he finally sighed and looked at them.

"I'm afraid that you three are too smart for him to keep his little secret away from you. Yes. Remus Lupin is indeed a werewolf. However, we have made a special place for him to go to during his transformations so that he doesn't hurt another student. Now that the three of you know this, you must keep this a secret. Not only will other students try to attack him if they find out, but parents will be quick to remove students from Hogwarts and demand his expulsion."

Sirius piped up then, barely holding back his tears.

"So you aren't going to expel us or Remus, right?"

"I have no intention of doing so. So long as he doesn't hurt another student things will be fine and he can have safe transformations. I expect that you three would want to know where-" he was suddenly cut off by McGonagall running in.

"He didn't make it in time! A ravenclaw student has been dragged out somewhere and we can't find either of them! Hagrid is already searching the Forbidden Forest but it could be until tommorow until we find the both of them."

McGonagall had just noticed the three boys standing there hearing this before turning back to Dumbledore.

"Do they know?"

"Yes, and I think that it would be wise if they all stayed here. Please wake up the Quidditch seekers and captains and see if they can find either of them from above."

The two of them practically ran down the stairs then split up.

Sirius was the first to speak up.

"He... he got somebody. He told me that he would never attack someone. What happened?"

It was James who spoke next, unfolding a square bit of cloth from his pocket and holding it up.

"Well... I know that we were told to stay here but I need to see what's happening. Sirius. You have to come with me. Peter, you can stay or go but decide now because we're both leaving."

"I- I think I'm going to stay. I don't want to see Moony like this and I'm already freaking out."

"That's fair." James said unfurling the invisibility cloak and then putting him and Sirius underneath.

-------------

The duo had been outside for a while now but because of how small the cloak was on them they were moving slower than they liked.

"I can't move this slow, it's going to kill me if I don't find out. I can just do my animagus form and no one will know that it's me." Sirius crawled out from underneath the cloak and started to transform into a black dog, then ran off sniffing the ground for anything that smelled at all like Moony would.

James begrudgingly did the same, turning into a deer with baby antlers and clopping off towards the Forbidden Forest.

--------------

Moony was terrified. He could feel what he was doing but he couldn't stop it. He just kept dragging the student through the forest. The freshly fallen leaves crunched lightly under his paws as he kept dragging the student into an abandoned den. Surprisingly, the student wasn't hurt at all by Moony, the only injuries that he sustained were scratches and cuts from twigs and sticks.

Once Moony let go of the student, the student immediately started to yell. It hurt Moony's ears. They were sensitive in this state. He growled st the student. He stuck his nose up into the air and smelled for people. There was a singular scent that was out of the ordinary. It smelled like... fur. A specific scent though. It was very sweet to the werewolf nose but as the scent got closer, Remus recognized who it was. He could tell that smell apart from a crowd like this. Just a few days ago he had been crying into this scent.

Padfoot.

Sirius kept bounding North into the forest, stopping every few minutes to smell the air for the smell of what he assumed would be old books.

While he didn't find the smell of books, he did manage to find a sharp stick with some blood on the end that had been dragged slightly westward. Sirius changed directions to slightly northwest and kept going, still pausing to smell the air. In the distance he could hear Prongs making deer noises. He wasn't sure if he should keep going or head towards James. Suddenly he heard a yell in the direction that he was going and started to sprint faster than he ever had in his dog form.

He arrived at the entrance to what appeared to be a wolf den that was recently abandoned. He smelled the Earth and picked up on the slightest scent of book pages, only to be heavily covered up with what could only be described as the scent of fear and a twinge of bloodlust. Sirius started down into the den, whimpering slightly only to hear a soft rumble in response. He couldn't see very well but only realized what he was facing when he was snout to snout with what he assumed was Remus.

The small light in the werewolf's eyes let Sirius see into what his friend Moony was feeling. He knew that he didn't want to do this and that he was scared. He knew that Remus was afraid of both the physical and emotional pain he would suffer the next day, but he was also afraid that he would hurt his friend.

One of Remus' paws swiped at Sirius on instinct. It clipped a little bit of his side but the swing wasn't controlled. Sirius could see that Remus was trying to take control of himself but he couldn't do it. His werewolf side was much stronger than he himself was and could only fight to restrain the werewolf side.

Sirius had an idea that might work but if it didn't, it might cost him his life.

He reverted from his animagus form and looked at Remus.

"Moony, I know you can hear me. Keep trying to take control but I want you to think about something while you're doing it."

Remus quickly switched his gaze to where Sirius was at and whimpered in response.

"You know how easy it is for me and Prongs and Wormtail to switch animagus forms, right? Think of your werewolf form as an animagus form instead. You have studied how animagi work before; now take that knowledge and use it. I think that you can transform back just like I can. You just have to relax."

Remus seemed to relax but that wasn't what was happening. He had lost his grip on containing the werewolf by listening to Sirius. He wanted to say "move, I lost control" but knew that he couldn't like this. One of his paws swiveled behind him and then struck Sirius' leg. The werewolf had started to stalk towards Padfoot like a leapord about to pounce on its prey.

"I'm sorry Moony, but I have to do this" Sirius said while pulling out his wand. He used a restrictive spell on Remus so that he couldn't move anymore but keeping the concentration on the spell was difficult. He quickly eyed the Ravenclaw student to get up and whispered to him to shoot sparks and flares up into the air to signal the people searching that Remus was secured.

As the sparks shot up into the night sky, Remus had another chance to try and take over the werewolf form of himself. He listened to Sirius' advice and tried to act like he was switching out of an animagus form but didn't know what that felt like. Instead he remembered what it felt like to revert back into a human from a werewolf. It was painful and draining but he figured that if he were to amplify the pain that it caused, he would be able to gain control and revert back.

Once again, he grabbed ahold of his werewolf form but this time sent so much pain into both of them that they fainted. Sirius had noticed that the werewolf was no longer struggling against his hold and released the "chains" a little bit until he realized that Remus was changing back. Once he realized that he dropped the spell and ran to catch Moony.

----------------‐-------

A few days had passed since the incident and somehow nobody knew that it was Remus that was the werewolf. Apparently using their marauder names instead of their actual names made things harder. The ravenclaw student had been sent to the hospital wing and was patched up in an hour.

Remus however was not so lucky.

He wouldn't wake up.

The doctors had tried a myriad of spells, potions, and poultices to try and get him awake but nothing seemed to work. The only time that he would stir even the slightest bit was whenever his friends would visit him. His heart rate would increase to the heart rate of someone who was awake. His brain activity increased and apparently he could hear everything that was being said, he just couldn't move. Sometimes he might be able to twitch his finger the tiniest amount but it was rare.

James, Sirius, and Peter had all gotten special passes into the hospital wing whenever they wanted to since it seemed like their presence helped him.

One day after the final class, Sirius skipped dinner saying that he needed to study more for Potions and that he had a secret stash of food in his room (he did) but instead he went to the hospital wing to check on Remus.

He was the only one there. As soon as he sat down next to the little hospital bed he started crying. He knew that it was his fault for trying to recommend the idea of animagus transformation to him. He didn't know what to do.

He scooped up Moony's hand in between his own and sat there crying and squeezing his best friends hand. He started mumbling things through his tears until finally he was able to stop crying.

"Hey Moons. I brought a book with me that I wanted to read to you. The doctors said that you can hear me so I figured that I would read you a classic. The story of the Deathly Hallows was always something that you were interested in."

Padfoot started reading, still sniffling sometimes, and kept checking on Moony. Eventually he finished the book and was too tired to go back to the dorm so he laid his head down on the side of the hospital bed and fell asleep with Remus' hand grasped tightly in his.

Sirius kept this up and according to the doctors it was making a large difference. Remus could move his fingers at will and move his toes. Sometimes he was even capable of moving a whole limb but he still couldn't talk or open his eyes.

One day after reading another book to Remus that was a bit longer than the ones he usually read, he was incredibly tired. Whenever he got this tired he would usually sleep in his animagus form so he shifted into the black dog and climbed up onto the bed next to Remus. He got comfortable and went to sleep.

Half way through the night, Sirius felt fingers combing through his fur. He didn't think anything of it and went back to sleep, enjoying the sensation of being petted.

James and Peter had already gotten used to the pattern of going and retrieving Sirius from the side of Remus' bed but this time they stood there in disbelief. Not only was Sirius in dog form but Remus had managed to roll around enough to be able to cuddle up to the dog. Peter asked the doctor what all was happening and apparently when he transformed into his animagus form, it had sort of awoken Remus from his coma. He still wasn't ready to be discharged from the wing yet but he was awake with both eyes open and could kind of talk.

Remus was eventually released and then had to sit through hours and hours of make up lectures and work but after every lecture and after completing every new assignment, he had the best group of friends he could have asked for ready to get into some kind of trouble. For some reason Sirius would always transform in the middle of the night and sleep with Remus but they both loved it and it made Remus feel safer than he had ever felt before.

[fart-gate]

SG1

Season 2 episode 7

"MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE"

Notes by me

- A nice stroll on the moon!

- I was wrong its not the moon :\

- Daniel so matter of fact when he says things. The Confidence

- "you think it might be a booby trap?"

"..........booby?"

- Daniel said the name of the episode

- this old ass metal ball is gonna be a problem isnt it. The theme for this show is Ideas That Backfire so I feel like this is a mistake

- 2 more elements for the periodic table!

- "I think he has a crush on you"

"Uh we are recording now..."

"......oops"

Daniel your match making skills are abysmal pls stick to your day job

- the NID again?? Barf no thanks

- P4G881 is the next mission!

- daniel saying his archeologist skills are needed here with the ball and hammond saying Noted

- no glasses!Daniel

- "Jack come on....."

"DANIEL"

Scolding his little bro

- P5C353 is where the ball is from

- is it alive???

- guys you are holding a radiation infected ball with your bare hands do you WANT to die

- IMPALED 👀

- oh god right thru his shoulder

- the alarm is giving me anxiety

- the rest of them running into the room to help 😭 all my kids are in love

- "where the hell is tealc"

- they just have to watch him suffer while they try to get it out of him

- Daniel needs to stop blaming himself for everything

- quarentine! I know how you feel guys

- at least they gave him something to sit on

- the ball has little bugs in it. They look like bacteria

- OH GOOD GOD THEYRE ALL OVER JACK

- oh no not graham!!! Hes cute!!

- is tealc holding jacks hand 💕

- who cares about your quarentine !!! Graham needs help!! Hes got one foot in the grave!!! Typical that he would be allergic to the only medication that could help

- "it wont take us without a fight,sir."

"Damn right"

- junior protects tealc from the bugs

- tealc staying with him and dabbing his forehead with a cloth ❤ im fine

- "tealc, you dont have to stick around"

"Undomesticated equines could not remove me"

- tealcs first joke mark the calendar❤

- they called each other "my friend" I'm on the edge of my sanity here folks

- DAMN that was a good scream. He reached out for tealc god im having a good time

- Graham is not looking too hot! He wants to see Sam :) maybe a little in office dating will spice things up? Would love for Sam to date a co worker who she outranks

- if it cant live without oxygen then just give Jack a breather and suck all the air out of the room.

- maybe that wont work since the bugs are already in the walls and thru out the base.....dont listen to me I'm dumb

- oh we are switching it up today my dudes. 'When in doubt, blow it up' has turned into 'under no circumstances give this thing more energy' so bombs are off the table I guess :(

- Jack pls dont blame yourself. What is with you and Daniel putting everything on your own shoulders

- sam and fraiser height difference 💕💕

- Graham needs to not die pls. I would like to see more of him

- not me just realising how hairy daniels hands are

- ".....come here!"

"Who?"

"What? Anybody! just come here!"

Daniel needing someone else to confirm hes not seeing things lol

- it has intelligence! THEN LET JACK GO YA ELECTRONIC SHIT BAG

- ah ok!! We need to give it a good kick!

-it wants to talk thru Jack ! I would like to see it

- the music for this scene🔥🔥🔥

- sam holding jacks hand my brain is imploding

- he looks oddly water logged ?

- "Good morning, campers." I AM OFFICIALLY FREAKED OUT

- the bugs.....can talk

- RDAs acting 💕��💕😭😭❤❤❤

- if only Daniel wasnt jared 19 then maybe we would have known all of this information from the writings on the ball

- "he wishes to live" THIS IS SUCH CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT FOR JACK BC OF HIS EARLIER ATTEMPTS TO KILL HIMSELF 😩😩😩💗💗💗

- P4G881 is a good idea. Let them infest an unpopulated planet

- I guess the bugs dont understand why someone would be nice to them lmao

- it worked! They let go!

- ok maybe not. Zombie!Jack

- best trope is the self destruct stopping at 1 second

- "we thought we lost you, colonel"

"wild horses, captain"

- lets never go to the planet that you sent them to ok? Okay

- ..........so is Graham still alive or no

~

Whump under the cut

Jack Oniell whump: metal spike through shoulder , pinned to wall, hanging off wall, crying, noises! , shocked by staff weapon mutliple times, infection, fever, screaming, blaming himself, worried tealc

No glasses!Daniel for less than 5 minutes 🤓

🎶listening to I Have Nothing by Whitney Housten 🎶 bc tealc is jacks bodyguard and if Jack died he would be heart broken 💔 bros for life

[pinkykitten]

Space Helmets and Marshmallows

The Good Doctor

Neil Melendez x autistic & white! female reader

Warning: patient has heart transplant, patient with cancer

Specifics: fluff, romance, pictures, gifs, autistic reader, white reader, one-shot

People: Neil Melendez, you, Shaun Murphy, Claire Browne, Jared Kalu (ik i just had to put him in here!), Morgan Reznick, Alex Park, Audrey Lim, Elena (oc), Stephanie (oc)

Words: 2,846

Requested: By @the-gang-makes-a-tmblr i have a request for the good doctor if you happen to do reader inserts because i want something based off of my level of autism that i have, my idea is reader is a new doctor after shaun she also has autism so initially melendez is unsure of her and bases what he knows from shaun so he takes a bit to warm up but what causes him to warm up is she is pretty good with patients she can have conversations if she has too, she can undrstand sarcasm and humour, but she still gets shaun, but anyway- - that causes melendez to see her in a better light basically this becomes a readerxmelendez, and yeah. also to add because the rules say i can suggest a race since you are race neutral since i am white please write reader as white. Also this isn't really AU i hope.

Authors Note: srry this took so long i have to deal with the issue about the tumblr links atm so im kinda changing things on my blog. also thnx for ur kind words💖💖💖

(not my gif! do not own!)

The elevator door dinged open as you stepped out. Books tightly gripped in your arms, ready for the interview of your life. 

You saw on the news about that Dr. Shaun Murphy who changed the medical field forever. He has autism, and so do you. Yours is not on the level of Shaun’s but still Shaun made a difference in the world you lived in. He made it possible for people like you. 

As a young girl you always wanted to be a doctor but when you learned you had autism all those dreams died. Until you saw how capable you were to do this, to become what you wanted. You kept going forward and did not listen to those who kept bringing you down. And now you were here, about to do an interview for the San Jose St. Bonaventure Hospital. You were ready. 

Your heels clicked on the floor, you walked with a stride, in pride. You quickly looked at yourself in the mirror, making sure you looked presentable. 

You smiled at your reflection and breathed out, “here we go y/n. You are about to change your life.”

As you walked in the room you spotted the President, Chief, and Chairman of the hospital. “Good evening, I am y/n l/n, and I am asking for a job here.”

“Yes I got the job!” You screamed into the phone to your long time friend. You were currently sitting in the cafeteria telling the great news to people close to you. 

“Great job y/n! When will you be working?” Asked your friend. You chuckled and stood up to grab your coffee that was resting on the table in front of you. “Tomorrow actually, that’s when I get to meet the staff and kinda see my place in this but I am so excited!”

“I’m happy for you y/n.”

Just then you spotted the one and only Shaun Murphy with a quick reply you told your friend, “okay, let me call you back something came up.” You hanged up the phone and walked to Shaun. 

“Um hello there, Shaun is it?” You smiled to Shaun, Shaun looked at you and clasped his hands together. “I do not think we have met.”

“No we have not. I’m new, my name is y/n l/n. Can I say what an inspiration you are to me-”

“Oh yes I have now heard of you. You are the new doctor, Dr. Melendez does not like you.”

You paused at your words and shook your head, “what?”

“Dr. Melendez does not want someone else on his team with autism. But I think he is being rude. It is nice to see someone else with autism.” Shaun looked somewhere else and waited patiently in the line. 

“Well yes Shaun you are right that is rude, well then I guess I’ll just have to change his mind. Man news travels fast around here, but I wanted to talk to you about that. Shaun you have changed the way doctors look at people with autism, they now know that people like you and me are capable of greater things. I just wanted to say thank you.”

Shaun smiled and looked at you, “I just really wanted to be a doctor.”

You giggled back and brought out your wallet, “what you havin Shaun?”

“Chocolate chip pancakes, they are my favorite.”

“Here,” you and Shaun went to the front of the line, “I’ll pay.”

You and Shaun talked all through his break and you had to say he was so much fun. You understood him and felt a connection with Shaun. You felt you were going to fit in just right. 

That is until you met Dr. Melendez.

Standing in the changing room you feel accomplished. You were doing this! Opening the door you inspected the way you looked in the mirror. Approving of the attire you then put on your watch. The moment you’ve been waiting for is now here. You delicately placed the white doctors coat on your shoulders, you fix it a little bit and then look in the mirror. 

“Look at you y/n, I am so proud of me,” you smiled and smoothed down the coat. 

“Oh hello there,” said a sweet voice. You turned around seeing a woman. You became bashful, hoping she didn’t hear you talking to yourself. 

“Hi, names y/n l/n. Yours?” You asked sticking out your hand to hers. 

“Claire Browne, and yes you are the new girl. Well we’re glad to have you here. I’m excited for you.”

���Thanks, unfortunately though Shaun told me that a certain Dr. Melendez doesn’t really want me here.”

Claire placed a hand on your shoulder, “don’t worry about him, he’s like that. He’ll warm up to you, I just know it.”

“Hey what are we ladies talking about?” Another doctor woman came in, smiling to Claire and then pausing with you. “You the new one? Y/n l/n?”

You nodded, “that’s me! Nice to meet you Dr. Audrey Lim. I have heard so many great things about you.” You shook her hand and gushed about her reputation. 

“Ooh seems like someones done their research,” Audrey raised her eyebrows, going to her locker. 

“Hi names Morgan Reznick, I know your name you don’t have to tell me. Let me just say to not trust everyone on here. And with Melendez you need to up your game if you don’t he will drop you. My suggestion, be better than everyone.” A doctor with blonde hair sneered at you. She smiled with a fake smile as she walked away full of confidence 

“Who was that?” You questioned, still shocked someone talked to you that way. 

Audrey just shrugged, “that my friend is Dr. Morgan Reznick. She can be nice, when you’re lucky.”

Feeling now nervous and scared you wonder if the group will like you. You came in this all confident in yourself but now you just questioned everything. 

“Oh Jared’s waiting for me outside, I’m gonna go get him,” Claire said announced while reading her text messages. 

You all waved to her and proceeded with the morning. 

You made good friends already in that one day with Audrey and Claire. They also introduced you to Dr. Jared Kalu and Dr. Alex Park. They both were so kind to you, saying that they did appreciate your braveness. They also knew about your autism, but they made it clear to you the minute they saw you that it did not define you. They still treated you with respect and kindness. 

“So y/n, have you ever had hands on experiences?” Alex asked, the group that you made friends with walking with you.

“Yeah I once saved this mother in Africa who her baby had a nuchal cord. The baby was dying and we had very limited resources so I did what was necessary and saved the mother and the child.”

“I feel she knows what she is doing,” Shaun popped out of nowhere, apparently listening to the conversation. 

“Well thanks Shaun, I just knew I needed to save those two. But I’ve had more.”

“Thats cool you go to places like Africa, have you gone anywhere else?” Jared asked, also reading the ipad. 

“Actually I have, I have worked in places like Mexico, Russia, more places where the hospitals are not the greatest there. They are poor or need some help.”

“Did you tell any of those people in the places you visited that you had autism?” Morgan gave you a smirk, raising her eyebrows.

“No, no I did not. I don’t usually tell people because then they won’t let me perform or do surgery on a patient.”

You all turned the corner and your eyes made contact with a very handsome doctor. The first thing you noticed was his tattoo. It was creeping a little out of his shirt. 

“I didn’t know we we’re having a party?” He said sarcastically, meaning he didn’t want you all to continue on talking. 

Jared coughed in his hand, trying to say that there was a new person here. The handsome doctor looked to you and crossed his arms. “Who are you?”

“I’m the new doctor, y/n l/n. You must be Dr. Melendez. Pleasure to meet you,” you stuck your hand out but Melendez did not take it. He instead placed his hand on your shoulder and brought his lips to your ear. “Don’t think this will be easy, you’ll have to earn the respect and earn your way to the top.”

Unable to form words and wanting to still be respectful you laughed and just looked everywhere. 

“Claire, y/n and Jared, you guys are going to be working with me today. Lets see how good y/n can do.”

Claire placed a reassuring hand on your back and gave you a warm smile. “He’s like this in the beginning.”

You looked down and tried to push his hurtful comment away but it just kept hurting you. It made you feel useless. With a strong attitude you straightened your posture and walked with maturity. 

“What are we working on doctor?”

That day your team had to work on a heart transplant. The woman, named Elena, her heart was too big for her body. You felt awkward in the room because you felt you weren’t allowed to say anything. 

“And whats wrong with you? Can’t talk?” Elena asked, putting her hands out.

As you were about to say something Melendez stuck his hand on your back and chuckled, “Ella es nueva (she is new).”

Scratching your head you whispered into Neil’s ear as to what he said. He just brushed it off. What was odd was you liked Dr. Melendez Spanish. It was sexy to you. 

The old woman just laughed and nodded, “I understand.”

Bringing the woman to the surgery room you thought you were at least going to make incisions on her. Instead, your mean boss made you just use the surgical pump. Feeling like you were dumb you stood there, angry. 

“Y/n if you don’t lighten up I would quickly advise you to get out of my surgery room.” Melendez said, paying attention to the monitor. 

“Right, no got it 100 percent Doc,” sarcastic words dripped from your mouth before you even thought what you said. 

Melendez gave you a look of, “don’t try me.”

It was like that for a couple of months. You were only used for that one thing. At night your mind raced with thoughts of this wasn’t for you. You thought maybe you weren’t meant for this job. Feeling more and more down about your days in the hospital you would go to seek guidance, or just have a fun chat with your friends. Being best friends with Claire Browne was the best. She made you feel happy and worth while when you talked and hanged out with her. You also hanged out with Shaun. You understood him the most and when he was having his episodes when he just was frustrated you stood by him and aided him through that. Knowing how its is going through autism you knew what it meant to have those frustrated episodes. You knew how it felt to think that nobody gets you, but you were always there for Shaun. 

What also made you feel grateful and at least some joy in your job was seeing patients. You met all sorts from all walks of life, different age, skin color, ethnicity, disease. You felt you were there for them and that’s what mattered to you. 

Melendez was not as mean to you anymore for the months that went by but you could tell he still didn’t trust you. You tried being kind to him and you’re still sticking with that strategy. 

You had many patients that you would see during lunch and after your work but one stood out to you. It was Stephanie, it was a little girl that had leukemia. 

You finished your work, putting your doctor robe in the locker you walked out in your blue suit. 

As you were coming out of the room you accidentally knocked into Dr. Melendez. 

“Sorry, I’m in a bit of a rush. My apologies.” With a quick word you sped off down the hallway. 

Neil was curious and looked back and forth, “what is she up to?”

You walked into Stephanie’s room with a present hidden behind you, “hello there sweetheart, how was your day?”

“It was perfect and just great,” she said sarcastically. “But its great now that you’re here.”

You embraced her and kissed her hairless head. Her blue emerald eyes just looked at you with happiness. “Me too Steph, my days great just because I am seeing you.”

Dr. Melendez heard you and someone else talking, he ran to see what the commotion was. What sight he saw! It was something so beautiful! You were talking to a little girl with cancer. He saw how tender and affectionate you were to that little girl. It made his heart race for you and finally he saw that even though you were not like Shaun you are you. You were meant to be working as a doctor. Neil just stood there and watched the conversation, feeling a smile creep up on his face. 

“I got you something,” you said excitedly. “Here.” Handing her favorite animal which was a unicorn made her squeal and jump up and down. She hugged the plush so hard and kissed it with many kisses.   

“Oh thank you y/n, thank you so much!”

“Of course sweetheart. Now do you have the goodies?”

Stephanie eyes opened wide and nodded fast, “here is yours y/n.” She got a space helmet made from soft fabric that you made for her. Hers was blue and yours was gray. You then put on the tv a space show you and her love to watch. 

“Now,” Stephanie asked this time. “Do you have the goods?”

You and her laughed and you patted her arm. “Of course silly, I always remember to bring them.” You brought out marshmallows the mini ones to be exact, those were her favorite. 

“Yes!!!!! I love marshmallows,” she cheered out loud. As she looked up she saw Neil though. “Oh hello there, would you also like some marshmallows?”

You turned around to see who Stephanie was talking to and as you saw Dr. Melendez you quickly stood up. “I am sorry sir, forgive me I was just wanting to play with-”

Neil put his hand out to shush you and laughed, actually laughed in front and because of you. “You look awesome in that.” He pointed to your space helmet. You looked down and giggled as well, “Um Doctor, would you like some marshmallows?”

“Neil, and sure. What are we watching?”

Melendez sat next to you through out the whole thing. He laughed with you and even touched you a little. It made you start to have feelings for him. He was actually very funny. He even made Stephanie laugh. 

The night sky was pitch black but there were a few stars in tonight. 

Melendez offered to walk you to your car after Stephanie fell asleep and during your guys walk you had conversations about many things. 

“Seeing you with that little girl made me feel very proud of you. As a doctor you try to just make sure your patients are safe physically but sometimes we need to help them emotionally. You did that with that little girl.”

“Thank you Neil,” you smiled to him. “I just try to understand our patients. I want to make sure that they know that we are here for them. I love making people laugh and hearing their chuckles, I want to make them feel loved.” You expressed yourself for the first time, genuinely to Dr. Melendez. 

“Good job y/n. I can see that you are to be trusted more and for that I’m sorry for being so harsh to you. I was just-”

“Worried about your patients. I just hope this makes you have more of an open mind. But I am ready for whatever you have to put on me. I can take it.”

Neil nodded his head, “Hard worker, I like it.”

“Well this is me,” you stopped by your car. “See you tomorrow...Neil.” You grinned widely. 

Melendez nodded and walked away but then he ran back to you. “Wait! How about tomorrow you come over for dinner, my place?”

You walked closer to him, inching closer and closer until your lips met. It was a short kiss but it was sexy. You licked your lips and winked at Neil, “sure yes, of course. Can’t wait!”

Neil eyed you up and down, knowing you were not to be messed with, “Good well see you there.” 

“Bye,” you waved to him while getting in the car. You couldn’t wait for tomorrow and you felt you were finally getting somewhere with him. As you drove away from the hospital all you thought of was that kiss and how giddy and happy you felt. You were excited for the future. 

Tag List: @harrington-lover, @angelgl16, @perfectlybeautifulsuit, @dreamsofwhiteandblack, @hyehoney, @wtfisalltherandoms, @haven-prelude, @leasly, @totally-alexa21, @bappo-take-a-nappo, @multireese,@fanfictionrecommendations-com, @prentisskelley, @malereaderforkpop (cannot be tagged), @bi-shy-and-ready-to-die

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[tumblunni]

Oh and just to clarify that the long time it took for me to get this surgery isnt a sign the nhs is bad or anything! I just had complications due to my life situation. Cos of my autism and anxiety i REALLY REALLY cant cope with having surgery done on me while im awake, even if im numbed up. The panic reaction is so strong and involuntary that i cant stop shaking and risk messing up the surgery becaue of it, not to mention the chamce of doing worse damage to myself in a panic attack. So i had to specifically be sent to the main hospital and receive overnight anesthetic, and i had to have a longer stay than usual because i live alone with no parents or lifr partner who could watch over me during my recovery. So the actual surgery itself just took three hours and the worst part was the anxiety of having to wait about 18 more hours in a busy hospital feeling perfectly fine but unable to go home until the observation period had passed and also til i was able to get a lift home with my psychologist. I am SO grateful she was able to support me with this!! So yeah i basically had to have the ultra deluxe complicated version of the regular surgery which also had to correlate with a time my psychologist would be free, and thats why ut was hard for them to find a time to schedule it. And most of the waiting was initially because of me being a dumbass and being too afraid to tell anyone i was in pain and too afraid to go to the doctor. I think it must have been almost four years of that? And then it was just a two year wait of going thru pre-assessments and waiting for a time slot for this final full operation. Which is still a frustrating time to wait but i understand tat the circumstances made it difficukt and also this isnt really an emergency surgery so yeah. I was just making a lot of frustrated posts about it over the last few years cos the waiting PROCESS is really bad, yknow? You barely get any information on how long you have to wait, its just all left up in the air that it could be any time in the next year and yoy'll get a very short notice letter right when its about to happen and npthing else for months at a time. And the automated phone service is badly made and yeah basically just a bunch of lame decisions made by the accounting section of the company that ended up increasing my anxiety, lol.

But seriously id way rather have this than having "only if you can pay for it" surgery! I mean when i finally got there it was all SO amazing and hi tech and highly staffed and everyone was so nice and it was all so fast and efficient and really comfy and everyone made you feel at home and you got a private cubicle with a lockable door and free food like 5 times a day like holy shit they wouldnt stop giving me The Best Toast In The World and my throat hurt but i felt it woulf be impolute to not Honor Their Toastly Kindness! So many of my worries about the experience were totally unfounded dumb hollywood myths that dont happen at all in british hospitals. And they still manage to run such a well oiled machine of amazing professionals and above excellent patient service despite how bad our economy is right now! I overheard them talking about jow their budget is lower ths year and i was like "holy shit but you guys are so amazong?? How do you manage??" I cant even imagine what it must have been like back when doctors got better salaries! Seriously they just WOULD NOT STOP PAMPERING ME it was so WEIRD!!! Comfy adjustable beds and reclining super soft sofa and this whole personal room and people coming in with trolleys full of a wide selection of really damn amazing breakfast foods and they even gave you special comfort socks for the long time of bed rest to avoid ankle swelling and they were like friggin cinderella scene insisting on putting the socks on for you?? I felt so embarassed in the good way for once! Blushing cos it was total prince treatment! And none of that "oh drugs are so expensive you have to go without necessary medicine in order to pay the bills" shit, they kept offering me optional medicines thatd make every part of the surgery easier and were like "please dont worry about accepting them, its the government's job to make sure youre free of pain so just be honest if youre feeling bad". But seriously the surgery was all so swift and done with great precision and i had such kind care and warm drinks and SO MUCH JAM ON MY TOAST that i felt like my mouth was okay even without the extra painkiller dose. And then i expected id just have to buy my own paracetamol once i was discharged from surgery but they gave me a big box of extra strength jaw surgery specific paracetamol for free! All of this was free! I got free goddamn cosmetic reconstruction on my teeth that i never even asked for and i was like holy shit when i looked in the mirror lol. I just expected everything to be gone but they put this reconstructive cap thing to replace the front teeth just jn case i was worried about the appearance of the gap between them. And SO MUCH goddamn free food holy shit im so toasted out! And free tv and wifi and showers and a warm comfy sofa and just a nice day of chilling out in a very weird sort of luxury hotel, lol. And the gift shop was also super cheap and full of necessities! And the nurse was so kind that i was able to hand her the money and she went to the gift shop for me when i was too dizzy to walk. I needed new headphones cos mine broke on the way there, and she got me a staff discount on them and picked out the cutest best pair! UNICORN DRAGON PATTERN!! Im gonna keep them FOREVER holy shit they look so cool and for a £1 discount pack they have sonmuch better sound quality and noise cancellation than the more expensive ones i had before. And the whole gesture just really touched me, it cheered me up so much to have a giggle at some adorable fashion headphones and see my nurse jamming along to ed sheeran to test that they worked, and she was just so sassy and jokey and we even had a contest between all of the nurses comparing our silly socks! Seriously it was just SO welcoming and unscary and had a lot more privacy than i expected and a lot less heavy restrictions and stuff and jusy EVERYONE WAS SO NICE AND SO GOOD AT THEIR JOB and did i mention THE BEST TOAST EVER

So yeah i dont think im scared of hospitals anymore. And i feel guilty about all the panicky posts i made before i went in for this operation, i hope i didnt give anyone the wrong impression that i was some longknowing person making factual complaints about the nhs as opposed to a first time hospital visitor with anxiety who was imagining every possible way it could go wrong. Absolutely none of my fears happened and it was way nicer than i ever imagined! Im kinda looking forward to the followup appointment in 2 weeks just so i can say thank you again and also have more money to buy some spares of those good headphones from the gift shop.

I hope everyone else out there who has to deal with medical disasters gets doctors just as nice as these ones!!!

[vennilavee]

📂

there’s a gas leak that leads to a huge explosion at the hospital you work at… ft a worried buckbuck

TSB masterlistTSB Extras: Drabbles/Headcanons/Music

sorry,  im a huge grey’s anatomy fan lmao. i live for medical dramas and disasters on said dramas

- it’s a relatively normal day. the sun is out, it’s a little chilly but that’s to be expected. You have a 7am-7pm shift in the ER today and you’re looking forward to it

- you even manage to find time to do your make up a little bit before work. just mascara, concealer and a little bronzer. for some warmth on your face. you pack mira’s lunch for daycare and leave a little post it on the fridge: ‘bye  babies, stay warm and I will see you soon’ with a little heart next to your name

- bucky’s already up while you’re grabbing your own lunch and chomping on a banana. he’s rubbed the sleep out of his face but his voice is still groggy- ‘morning, darling’ he mumbles in your ear before kissing your hair

- seeing you in your official, navy blue scrubs with your name embroidered on the left side definitely gets him hot and bothered. you look so sexy and authoritative in your scrubs. you had caught him staring at you the first few times when he had seen you in scrubs (you had just gone back to work at the hospital from the clinic). he would blush adorably every time you caught him and you coyly said ‘oh, mr. barnes I didn’t know you were into that’

-  ‘hey, gimme a proper kiss’- you coax him and end up making out with him by the kitchen island for a few minutes. you pull away and look at your phone, yelping when you realize you’re running late

- you’re already out of the door when you say goodbye to him and tell him you’ll text him

- bucky likes staying at home while you work. he knows that it’s not exactly “traditional”, but he thinks it should be. you were a badass, working and taking care of mira when he wasn’t around. he thinks maybe you have some sort of super soldier serum

- he usually reads when you’re at work. goes grocery shopping. hangs out at the compound. works out. walks around the city with Mira. sometimes he picks her up early from daycare just because he misses her so much

- you insist on daycare because you want her to interact with kids her age, but all bucky wants to do is spend all his time with her. learning about everything he had missed when he was gone. what things excited her, what things she didn’t like, what made her blue eyes that were so alike to his own blue eyes spark up 

- bucky thinks nothing of it when you stop answering his texts. after all, you’ve stopped answering his texts abruptly before when you’ve been at work. he goes to the tower after steve and sam text him to hang out with some pizza and beers. he has missed them, too

-it’s always the days you never expect. the days that start out perfectly normal, as usual. nothing about this day led you to believe that anything would remotely go wrong. but of course, the universe is tempted. one of the many oxygen tanks in the oxygen supply area had blown up, setting off a chain reaction. and of course it was one of the oxygen tank supply areas in the ER

- nobody in the waiting area had been injured. but some of your residents were knocked off their feet, and slammed into walls. your main concern were the patients in your ER. as the attending, you have a responsibility to them and to your staff

- there is smoke everywhere, flames are licking along the walls of the ER and your hands begin to tremble. but this is no time for indecisiveness or unsureness. your patients are starting to become hysterical and you and the remaining nurses, residents, technicians, physical/occupational/speech therapists all look at you. you take a deep breath, adjust your glasses and start redirecting traffic

- you call 911, which feels somewhat ironic to you. you’re starting to sweat and the bright orange and red of flames is starting to surround you. you benignly think to yourself that the fire looks quite pretty before tearing your eyes away. you call the necessary hospital staff members, screeching at them that your fuckin’ ER is on fire and if they don’t find another hospital to redirect your patients to in the next two minutes, you’ll set them on fire as well

- you instruct your staff to get as many patients out as they can with whatever monitors they need. you do your best to calm your patients, telling them that they’re going to be redirected to another hospital

- you manage to get every single person out and far away. ambulances have arrived and are currently escorting patients out. the fire trucks are yet to come

- but one of your patients stops you frantically. she’s hysterically crying- she can’t find her son, and her son is terrified of fire. and you remember her son- he had been playing with his toys in her patient room 

- your heart sinks, blood pounding in your ears and it only takes you a second to sprint back into your ER, on a mission to find the missing boy

- the guys are absent-mindedly watching tv, flipping through channels. suddenly a ‘breaking news’ announcement interrupts whatever they’re watching and bucky’s lungs certainly fail him because your hospital, your ER is on fuckin’ fire

- steve is shaking him, already springing into action but bucky can’t move. his lungs feel like they’re filled of ash and his legs won’t work. sam snaps at him and bucky looks at him

- ‘stop it. don’t think the worst, barnes. let’s go, let’s go find her.’ steve says he’ll go get mira from daycare, and bucky and sam rush off to the hospital. bucky’s legs are restless and sam is quiet. anxiety is radiating off of bucky

- bucky’s mind is going a million miles a minute. he can’t- how could your ER be on fire? he tries his best not to think the worst- that you’re dead-charred-in ashes, buried under the hospital. he really tries, but he can’t- he can’t stop. he can’t stop thinking about potentially living without you, about mira not having a mother. he doesn’t realize that he’s shaking, that tears are coming out of his eyes

- he is so scared.

- the ER is completely engulfed in flames by this point. the ceiling is starting to come down and you have to be mindful. you scream for the boy, scream his name and suddenly you hear him screaming back

- he’s stuck. he’s pinned to the wall by one of the med carts, a code cart and an x-ray machine at the back of the er. there is no time for this, and yet you don’t even think about sprinting towards him

- the boy looks horrified. hell, you would be too, if you werent so pumped full of adrenaline. the boy is hysterically sobbing and you try, you really try to reassure him- ‘hey, come on, it’s okay, i’ve got you. we’re- we’re going to get out of here- and you’ll be okay. i’m gonna get you out, alright?” he calms down a little at your soothing voice and you finally, finally manage to pull all the machinery off of him. he runs into your arms and you take his hand- “listen to me, we have to be fast okay, can you be fast for me, kiddo? your mama is waiting for you, alright?”

- he nods at you and squeeze his hand. you tell him to run in front of you- if anyone’s getting stuck it’s not him. you take a breath- 5 seconds of courage- and make a run for it. you’re almost successful too. he’s right there, right at the exit…

- and you’re right here. the ceiling has collapsed completely in front of you. you can’t get through. you could laugh, really, because this was obviously going to happen right?

- the boy looks at you, panicking

‘get outta here, kid. your mom’s waiting- she’s waiting for you. just tell-tell the firefighters when they come…”

- you’re starting to feel dizzy and have to shake your head to center yourself. the kid’s gone already and you think this is how you might possibly die.

- you hadn’t even told bucky you loved him. you hadn’t told mira you loved her.

- sam and bucky split up, searching for you and helping where they can. but neither of them can find you and bucky’s panic is rising. bucky sees the boy run out of the ER, soot on his clothes and he’s heaving for air. the boy seems to recognize bucky because he’s running up to him, arms flailing

“mr. winter soldier sir, there’s a doctor in there- she came back for me- she’s stuck in there-”

- and bucky already knows it’s you. he doesn’t even answer the kid before he’s sprinting into the ER after you

- the fire and flames surrounding the ER remind him of when him and steve encountered the red skull all those decades ago. his mind is sharp, precise, looking only for you. assessing any possible direction you could be in. despite his panic, he is sure in his movements

- then, he sees you, on the ground, coughing up a storm. your eyes are squeezed shut, trying to crawl your way out. you must be dead right? that’s the only explanation for how in the hell bucky is standing in front of you, scooping you in his arms

 - you don’t even have a moment to process what’s happening. all you can do is grip his shirt as he carries you out. youre on the verge of passing out. you cough heavily once the fresh air enters your lungs. bucky sits you down on one of the stretchers once one of the EMTs makes their way over to the two of you

- bucky’s hands are cupping your face. you feel delirious- he’s talking to you, his pretty lips moving but it’s taking you a few moments to recognize what he’s saying. there is soot all over your scrubs, your arms and your face and you’re still coughing. he wants to cry, he really does

- because he thought he lost you, for a split second. for a split second, his entire world darkened, and he can’t bare it. and you have the audacity to grin up at him

- he doesnt even have words for you. only tears. he squeezes you tightly to him, hands touching you to make sure that you are real

- and then you promptly pass out. the EMT’s shoo bucky away and he feels a little less numb. because he’ll always be there to save you

- you wake up in a hospital bed. you’ve forgotten how much it sucks being a patient. a scratchy groan escapes you and you feel a weight next to you. you look to your left- it’s bucky, fast asleep with his head on the bed next to you

“buck,” you scratch at his scalp lightly, “baby. bucky. baby, wake up.”

He jolts awake, eyes red and settling on you

- “c’mere, get into bed with me, baby,” you offer him and move over. he looks like he wants to cry and he scrambles in next to you, tucking you into his side gingerly

“You okay, baby?” you ask. you know how scared he gets when it comes to you. your hands circle his arm

- “I thought- I thought…” bucky looks you in the eye, “I thought I was gonna find you dead. i thought you were dead. I-I- thought-” he buries his head into your neck, arm wrapping around your waist tightly.

“I know baby. I know,” You coo, “Mira’s with Steve?” bucky nods into your neck.

“There was a boy in the er- he was stuck… the firefighters weren’t there yet. i just- i know it was reckless but… I had to.” you tell him softly.

“I know, princess. The kid found me, that’s how I knew you were in there. I just knew.”

“Guess we should both apply to be firefighters, huh?” you try getting him to crack a smile but his face is stony.

“Don’t joke. You scared the shit out of me- I thought you were dead- I thought- I-what was I gonna tell Mira?” His eyes are glassy and wet and your own smile falls off your face. 

“oh, sweetheart, come here. i love you,” you murmur- you can feel his tears against your neck, “I love you so much. you’re always saving me, you know that?”

bucky wants to say that no, it’s you who saved him, but you continue to murmur to him how much you love him and he feels his heart begin to slow.

sorry for all the grammar errors lol this is super rough

Send “📂“ for a random yet completely useless headcanon I have

[bts-is-my-life-as-always]

Bts gif reaction to you taking a bullet for them and almost dying.

Request:Would it be okay to ask for each member's reaction to you literally taking a bullet for them and you almost die? Sorry for the angsty request. Behind the reaction: you are publicly dating one of the bts members. Credits to gif owners Here’s another request for anon who asked this, hope you like it. Rapmon: Namjoon and you have been dating for almost 2 years and it’s only been 2 months since you’ve gone public, many fans loved you two because of the affection and the love that he had for you. But as much as fans loved you some hated you and rapmon, some saying he betrayed army and he shouldn’t be a part of bts because he is putting a burden on them, and Namjoon being sweet he didn’t really mind all the death threats that came towards him, surprising nearly little to None came your way, this surprised you but you just brushed it off. It was at a fan meeting, he was happily meeting fans when he saw you from a distance, fans went crazy loving your every bit, you stood beside rapmon and fans wanted to take pictures with you, when bts stood up to make greetings towards the fans, you saw a strange, way too covered up man or women you couldn’t tell, but they were walking towards bts, it seemed like you were the only one that noticed, you brushed it off until they kept getting closer, one minute there at the back the next there basically one row away from the front, still no one really noticed, you didn’t want to ruin the lively mood or anything, so you kept quiet just looking at him or her. Just when you looked at them about 14 times they took a gun out, seemed like still no one noticed but you noticed this time you also noticed where it was aimed at, your boyfriend, your love, you didn’t know what to do, so you just jumped in front of him, you felt nothing, maybe it was a toy gun, that was until you looked down and saw blood, everywhere all over your dress, all over the promise necklace that Namjoon got you, you fell, into rapmonsters arms, crying because now the pain was unbearable, he looked at you with wide eyes, almost scared that anything he does will just hurt you more, the happy cheers now turning into terrified screams, the security guards taking the man that shot the gun. The next thing you see was namjoons worried eyes, it sounded like he almost breathed out his heart, he dropped his head beside you. “Oh thank god, your okay, your fine, you’ll be okay, your now okay” “Namjoon... yeah I’m okay, calm down” “I thought I almost lost you, I thought that I almost lost you for good” Months later you found out that the man that almost killed you was a fan of yours and hated the fact that rapmon took you away from him. Hmmm fans are actually crazy.

Jin: You and him have been dating for about 6 months and it’s been 2 months since you’ve gone public, everything seemed so perfect nearly none of the fans hated either of you, they all loved both your dorky personalities. So when at a concert backstage a staff member that you did not recognise came and decided to talk to you it didn’t really make you feel any way, you just thought it was another polite and nice big hit employee that loved all of bts and you, but you did take note of the weird things that he was doing, the weird ways that he would fidget when jin kissed your cheeks or when, you went to massage jin’s shoulders because of how anxious he was for the concert, this didn’t really bug you, you brushed it off as maybe he’s anxious for bts too, or maybe he was really desperate for the toilet. But when he looked way too angry to be a staff member, and started walking towards bts while they were getting ready to go on stage, you automatically ended up walking towards them too, subconsciously looking back every time, and holding onto jins hands. Not wanting him to worry before a big stage, you just walked beside him and told him good luck, you stayed put by the wall that separated the stage and the back, something inside you told you to stay there, you felt horrible, like something horrible was going to happen, you thought that until you saw it, he was taking out a gun, at this moment, all you could think about was where it was aimed at, Jin, pointing right at jin, while he was at the back of the group, getting into position. You didn’t think twice about jumping in front of the bullet, it didn’t take any longer for you to black out, while you were cold on the floor, guards tackled the man down, Jin turned his head, so did the rest of bts and many of the fans, Jin went pale, he went numb he saw your lifeless body on the floor, faced down. “Y/N” He ran towards you, held you on his lap You woke up after a 10 hour long surgery to repair your damaged organs and your continued failing heart. When you opened your eyes, Jin rested his head on your arms and holding your hand so tight that you had to wake him up, so you wouldn’t loose all circulation to your hands. “Hey, Jin? Baby wake up.” “OH MY LORD, YOUR AWAKE, I’ve been so worried you have no idea, I’m sorry, im so..” You stopped him by placing a hand on top of his. “I’m soo sorry..” “You didn’t do anything” After months of recovery you found out that he was deathly obsessed with you, and he had plans of killing jin and kidnapping you and keeping you to himself.

Suga: You and suga had been dating for 5 years and you had only been public for about a week, fans went crazy, it was 50/50 some loved you guys some hated you guys, but for the most part, you felt like they were fine with the two of you dating. That was until that day, you were on a date with suga at the cafe, the cafe that the two of you met 5 years ago, you talked and talked and talked for about 2 hours, since 2 hours you noticed a girl weirdly looking over to your table constantly, you thought that maybe, Just maybe she just recognised suga and was a huge fan of him, but you still decided to keep an eye, she kept catching the corner of your eyes. “Hey baby, I’m gonna go use the bathroom, wait here okay?” “Yeah, hurry back I’ll miss you” As he smiled and walked to the toilets, when he walked to the toilets, the girl on the other table got up, and walked towards the toilet, something telling you to follow her, she went into one of the female stalls, and you heard something like a gun being loaded, you didn’t want to jump to conclusions so you walked out of your stall and washed your hands, being really cautious of the girl that walked out behind you, she left the bathroom without a second glance at you, funnily enough she was right outside the guys bathroom, with a loaded gun it was in sight everyone could see it if they walked out the bathroom, you panicked, and started texting suga but he wasn’t answering, so you kept peering outside of the women’s bathroom, you slowly started to walk out and made sure to walk out slowly, just then you heard suga bumping into someone and saying sorry and walking out, you were inches away from the girl, and suga was walking straight out, she held her gun out and aimed to shoot, you ran as fast as humanly possible, towards him, jumping onto suga, luckily it was far enough to not penetrate through you and stay inside your body, but the bad thing was the bullet was still in you, you fell into his arms, crying and the body guards that were waiting outside of the cafe came inside and tackled her and they helped you into an ambulance, as soon as you got into the hospital, your blood pressure was dropping way too fast and you passed out. After hours of surgery trying to get the bullet out of your body before it travelled to the important organs and possibly harm you more than it already had. You woke up, moving your hands. “Hey, Y/N your awake? Thank god, I thought you died, you have no idea how much that scared me” You couldn’t speak, it hurt, you just groaned and cried out. “Baby it’s okay, don’t try to talk it’s fine, stay still, I’m just glade your awake and okay” After a few hours detectives came to question you, you told them all that you knew, and they told you that she was in fact suga ‘fan’ and she was the type of fan that says ‘if I can’t have you, then no one can’

J-hope: J-hope was such a sweet pumpkin, that when You started dating, he decided to go public instantly because he loved you, and he wanted to show the world how beautiful you were on the inside and out, and he wanted to show off his girlfriend to everyone. And the world either loved the two of you, or frankly didn’t really care. You knew that he was usually very busy, so when he wasn’t, you decided to usually go shopping, he loved it and so did you. When you were shopping in one of the department stores that you’ve been to about a million times, you met some armys that wanted to get their albums signed by hoseok, while you were waiting for him, you decided to look around, you went up to the necklaces and saw a women maybe in her mid 30’s standing there staring intensely at you, you looked up and met eyes with her, you felt weird so you smiled and looked away, still trying to be polite, Just then hoseok came up to you and kissed the back of your head and whispered. “Thanks for waiting for me without complaining” “Now why would I complain, if I was a fan I would love to get my albums signed by you” “You are my fan, and you do have albums signed by me” “You know what I mean, you pumpkin” You smiled and starting looking at the clothes on he other side of the store, just when you forgot about the women she was staring at you again, this time staring at you and hoseoks hand linked together, she looked extremely out of it, and she looked like she was on some type of medication, but you only grew more uncomfortable looking at her, so you decided to look away and just mind your own business, your boyfriend turned around and looked at the shoes o the other side while you kept looking at the clothes, keeping an eye on her. Just when you thought she was leaving, she took out a gun and aimed it towards hoseok, you didn’t really have time to react, only that you had to move an inch towards the left to block it. You blacked out, the only thing you can do is hear, and you heard people screaming and someone screaming your name. Many hours later your surgery, you opened your eyes to a very very very worried hoseok. “OMG OMG OMG, your awake, thank god, your awake” You slightly smiled at him. After hours of being awake, you found out that the bullet barely missed your heart, in fact it slid past your heart, so you needed more surgery to fix that, but for now you were, alive and fine.

Jimin: Jimin loves you, with everything he has, all his heart, and he loved to show you it, so even before going public, fans caught on, and fans actually loved you both, most armys loved you, and you were slowly growing your own fandom, jimin had a day off, so you guys decided to start a live stream on your Instagram together, you were streaming for about 4 hours until you became increasingly hungry, so you decided to travel with the live stream still running, you guys went to a small restaurant that you always went to, the owners knew you and they were fine with you live streaming in there, soon fans found where you and jimin were and jimin decided for your and his safety to call his personal body guards to just wait outside and keep any fans that weren’t going to eat outside. So it wasn’t suspicious when a group of men walked in and started to order a bunch of food, you and jimin sat there all lovey dovey, and held hands together while feeding each other and live streaming the food, you took turns feeding each other and the fans went crazy in the comments loving the quirkiness. About another 20 minuet passes and you look around and see the group of men looking right at you and your boyfriend, you brushed it off as maybe their looking at you because your filming yourselves and that’s not that normal. But you kept seeing from the corner of your eyes this one man who kept staring, your boyfriend was having such a fun time, that he didn’t realise, you didn’t want to ruin the mood and the atmosphere so you just looked past it. That was until he seemed to be taking something out, and his friends now have stopped moving all together and they were staring too. You saw a gun from the corner of your eyes, not wanting anyone to worry, you kept smiling, until you saw him take aim, it didn’t look like it was aimed at you, but at your boyfriend, you instantly became stone faced and looked at your boyfriend, trying to get him cover but it was too late, the gun was already shot and the only way to save him, was for you to get shot instead. You crossed in front of the bullet just before it hit him, it penetrated into your rib cage and you were on top of jimin lifeless. Jimin instantly went from smiling and having the best time, to being scared shitless. Honestly it would be a lie if jimin remembered the events that followed, all he knew was you were shot, and he didn’t know what to do. You woke up hours later, luckily the bullet didn’t travel too far and it fractured your ribs and that was it, all you needed was to rest up a bit and take caution, the police came to interview you and see what happened, you told him everything that you could remember, and jimin told him everything that he could remember, he excused himself out of the room, and when he returned you could see that he was crying. “Baby, why are you crying?” “I wasn’t able to protect you, I’m the one that’s meant to protect you and I couldn’t” “Stop, what the hell jimin, stop blaming yourself, I can’t see you break down like that” “I’m sorry” “Look at me, I want a hug, a nice long hug, can you do that?” He smiled and climbed under the covers and hugged you.

Taehyung: You and v dated for about a year before going public, he loved you and you loved him, taehyung loved his hometown and wanted you to visit it with him, say hello to his parents and also go on vacation, you were both extremely stressed from your work and he wanted you to relax, you were on the train because let’s be honest driving down to daegu would take forever and so taking the train was the next best option, taehyungs manager still came with the two of you because taehyung was worried that you would get lost. So when you arrived in daegu, you guys went to greet his parents and then you checked into the hotel and went to the dinner that was being held specially for vip guests and so you guys were sitting and eating noodles and pizza, a weird combination but you guys were always so dorky that it didn’t surprise you that he picked pizza and you picked noodles, while you were eating, taehyung pointed out the window and to the stars that were in the sky, it looked so beautiful that you couldn’t take your eyes off, you couldn’t until you saw a weird man standing outside and staring at you and v, mostly taehyung, but v didn’t see it, he didn’t really care because he was so used to people staring and looking at him. But your guts told you otherwise, you looked out the window again and this time the man moved inside the hall, and he sat down at a table, he didn’t order anything which rang alarm bells in your head. “Hey tae lets go back to our room, I’m tired” “Really? You don’t want to eat more, that’s surprising are you ill or something?” “No I’m just really tired” You didn’t want to tell him the man was creeping you out. As you two got up so did he, and he took something out of his black coat, and pointed it at tae, it took you a few seconds to realise what it was, before taehyung could see what it was you were on the ground, looking lifeless, you were hiccuping to get blood out of your throat and try to talk. “No don’t do it, don’t talk, stay still, you’ll be fine” “I’m.. really... cold tae....im... really..... tired” “No no no, don’t, don’t say anything just keep your eyes on me” You couldn’t anymore, taehyung was now crying his eyes out, not caring what happens to the man that shot you, your eyes shut and he was practically screaming for someone to help. You woke up a whole day later, you felt really heavy and in so much pain. “Hey, your okay” It was tae but his voice sounded deeper and more raspier than usual. “Tae? Where am I?” “Your okay, your at the hospital, stay still don’t try to move too much, it’ll hurt.” “Thank you tae, thanks” You fell back asleep and once you had enough energy to fully wake up, you found out that the man was following you and tae from Seoul and he was planning on shooting tae when you guys were leaving your apartments, his reasoning was that, he should’ve been in tae’s place and not tae that you should be in love with the man and not v. (Jealousy can be poisonous)

Jungkook: You and jungkook had been dating for 3 years and it was 2 years since you went public, everyone loved the both of you, you hardly saw any hate comments, in fact every comment would either say, please come on here more with Y/N or can you go on a show with Y/N, we miss her, and many love from many army’s. So jungkook wanting to show you off some more, he would contact somewhere like we got married or anywhere that could feature Just the two of you. Wgm decided to feature the two of you on a special episode, of Just the two of you, the special thing was that it was going on live and nothing was going to be edited before being released, which could be the reason for what happened after. You guys were heading towards an amusement park for a fun day, you line up with jungkook to go on the Koreas tallest ride, as always it was packed and you forgot to get the vip tickets to skip the line, instead you waited in the line With cameras all around the two of you, and you were looking around while jungkook decided to tie your hair up for you, you were smiling to yourself because of how sweet he was, until you saw a man, looking very out of place, slightly spazzing out, he was about 6 people behind you and kookie. “I’m done, this line is so long” “Oppa be patient, well get there soon, and then we can get a vip ticket so we can skip these lines.” “Ugh fine I’m only being patient because you’re here” You waited another 10 mins you were almost at the front, but it was just your luck that the ride was already full right in front of you and jungkook, it seemed like you were hearing things, you turned around to see what that metal rattling together was, when you turned around you saw a pistol in the men’s hand, you were internally freaking out, but you didn’t want to freak out if the gun wasn’t real, that issue was solved really fast when you saw him put in bullets into the pistol, he loaded the gun up and aimed it straight past you and towards jungkook, jungkook even getting a paper cut killed you and hurt you, so seeing a gun being aimed at him made you freak out more than if the gun was aimed at you, before you could even say anything he pressed the trigger and the gun shot out, your body automatically stood in front of jungkook, the bullet felt like nothing for 2 seconds until you were in so much pain that you couldn’t even breath, you were breathing heavy and jungkook looked about ready to beat the man half to death, that was until you used your last strength to grab his hands and pull him into you, you blacked out, jungkook being super worried thought you died. (Let’s be real if I made you die then he would probably kill the guy and me...JKJK don’t eat me) You woke up hours later, a jungkook that was still crying, with the rest of bts who looked extremely worried too. “Oh my god, your awake, your awake, your awake and alive, im gonna murder that guy” You grabbed his arms again “Babe can you stay here with me, I’m scared, I don’t want you to go” “Okay, I won’t go anywhere, I’ll be right here” You found out later that the man had escaped the mental asylum, he was mentally ill and tried to kill anyone that got in his way, of getting to you and well basically ‘loving you’.

So this took me forever to write not gonna lie, towards the end it got kinda hard to write because I’m tired. But still hope you enjoyed this, and request away Anyways bye

[despairforme]

[Hey wanna come & watch a movie l8r][I'll order food 4 us][If u don't wanna come it's ok] Grimmjow was on his bed as he sent the texts. Unfortunately, he wasn't feeling too good physically. But, that could be from the withdrawals he was having. Cold, shaking, sweaty, and nauseous. He REALLY wanted to see his boyfriend though, so he sent a final text. [I miss u] Too bad he'd accidentally overdose a few hours prior to movie night. Unconscious on his bed, barely breathing, and a needle in his hand.

     ❝ Someone’s popular. ❞ His ‘ colleague ‘ commented as Nnoitra came down the stairs that led backstage to the locker room where the fighters would wait in between matches. Nnoitra assumed that the guy was talking about the good round of applause that he had just gotten. It hadn’t been anything special. The crowd was always eager to see him fight, and they let that be known through cheers and applause.

     ❝ Same as usual. ❞ Nnoitra replied somewhat flatly, rolling his shoulders in a vague shrug as he passed the guy. Next, he dropped himself down on the bench by his locker, pretending to stretch, like what he’d just gone through in the ring had been enough to cause him to need that. 

     ❝ Yeah, no, that’s not what I meant. Your phone kept receiving texts. ❞ The man pointed at Nnoitra’s locker, where his phone was. In the past, Nnoitra hadn’t used to bring his phone to work, since the only person who ever texted him was his manager. However, after he started dating Grimmjow, he brought it, in the hopes that he would receive a call or something like that. Sometimes, he would text Grimmjow too, even if it was late at night.

     Upon hearing that he had received multiple texts, there was no hiding the excitement that bubbled up in him, expressing itself on his face in the form of a grin. His colleague arched a brow. ❝ Nnoitra has a girlfriend! The apocalypse is near! ❞ The mocking words were said in a friendly enough tone so that Nnoitra didn’t feel the need to punch his teeth in ( and in any case, he didn’t have time for that, he had to check the messages! ). He quickly unlocked the little aluminium door, and fished out his phone from his hoodie.

     FOUR new messages! All from Grimmjow! Quickly, Nnoitra read through them.

     The messages gave him mixed feelings. First of all, he was happy that Grimmjow asked him to hang out. Second, he was thankful for the fact that he’d be getting food. And thirdly, he was confused about why Grimmjow would think that he didn’t want to hang out with him. The most important part was the forth and last part though - that he was missed. Just those three words of the last message made Nnoitra’s chest heat up, and he let out a breath. Texting back was surprisingly easy. Probably because, to Nnoitra, talking to Grimmjow came naturally, so why would texting be any different?

text to: grimmjow - 「?????」

text to: grimmjow - 「ofc i wanna come over」

text to: grimmjow - 「im @ work rn but imma c if i can gt off erly」

text to: grimmjow - 「miss u 2」

text to: grimmjow - 「imma b over in 2h ok?」

text to: grimmjow - 「miss u」

     When he read through the texts, he realized he’d said that he missed him twice. Oh well. He DID miss him! He could’ve added that he couldn’t wait to see him, but, that would be a bit too much, right? He could tell him face to face instead. Oh, and he was also going to tell him that he should stop being so insecure. Tch. Saying that it was okay if he didn’t want to come over. What kind of bullshit was that? Grimmjow really needed more confidence. It was Nnoitra’s job to give that to him, right? He had to make him understand that he ALWAYS wanted to be around him.

     Nnoitra nodded to himself. ALRIGHT, now he had a mission. He was going to tell Grimmjow exactly what was on his mind once they saw each other, in like - two hours. He had a feeling he’d be fucking kicking ass for the rest of the night! The quicker he finished his fights, the sooner he could see Grimmjow!

     About 1 hour and 45 minutes later, Nnoitra was strolling down the street, heading for Grimmjow’s little apartment. The night was a bit chilly, and Nnoitra made a mental note to dig out his coat from under the bed. That’s where he had put it, right? Mah, he could also buy a new one… He had the money now. He wasn’t some poor ass punk. He was, in fact, a pretty well-established adult now, wasn’t he? He had a job, a boyfriend, an apartment. He had traveled - wasn’t all of this on the ‘ adult check list ‘? Probably.

     The familiar sight of Grimmjow’s apartment ( and bar ) came into view, and Nnoitra picked up his pace. In less than a minute, he was over by the door. Bruised knuckles tapped not-so-lightly against the frame. In the stillness of the night, the sound was louder than Nnoitra had expected. Not a single noise came from inside the apartment. Had Grimmjow fallen asleep? It wasn’t that late! Or maybe it was for someone who worked normal hours? Nnoitra knocked again, just to be sure. He knew Grimmjow was a heavy sleeper, but hell, even he couldn’t sleep through that loud knocking sound, right? 

     ❝ Ey, Grimmjow? Ya in there? Ya sleepin’? What happened ‘ta missin’ me? ❞ A joke. Nnoitra realized he made it because the feeling that was slowly seeping through him was anxiety. An empty apartment gave him flashbacks to how his last relationship had ended. With him being abandoned. Was that happening AGAIN?! No, no, he was being stupid. There was no way Grimmjow would just leave like that. He was probably asleep, or maybe he had gone out to buy cigarettes, or maybe he’d gone to meet Nnoitra. Maybe they had passed each other. But the streets had been so empty…

     He decided to call Grimmjow, and ask him where he was. His phone was pulled up from his pocket, and he quickly found the other’s contact details, and pressed ‘ call ‘. A short moment passed, before he heard Grimmjow’s ringtone from behind the door. That idiot had gone out without bringing his phone? Just when they were going to meet up? Nnoitra tried to hold onto that theory, even if it was falling apart. What was he supposed to do now, just wait outside the door like an idiot? Should he go home? The door was probably locked—

     No, it wasn’t. With the door handle pressed down, Nnoitra could pull the door open, and look inside. The lighting in the room was dim. It was probably alright if he waited here. Grimmjow would be back soon. Nnoitra entered, and closed the door behind him. He would just chill in bed, that would be fine.

     OR NOT.

     Damn, Grimmjow really was a heavy sleeper! Because there he was, lying on the bed ( fully dressed for some reason ). Nnoitra walked over, with the intention of waking him up to jokingly ask him where the food was. But, as he approached, he realized that something was wrong. It looked like Grimmjow’s chest wasn’t even moving. Nnoitra knelt down for a better look, and that’s when he spotted the needle in the other’s hand. Despite never having seen a scene like this before ( in real life anyway ), Nnoitra quickly put together what had happened.

     ❝ Grimmjow! ❞ He grabbed his boyfriend’s shoulder, shaking it almost violently to try to wake him up. The attempt had no effect. ❝ Wake up! Wake ‘da fuck up! ❞ Again, nothing happened. SHIT! Shit, shit, fuck — WHAT WAS HE SUPPOSED TO DO!? He didn’t know what kind of drugs Grimmjow had taken, and even if he had known, that wouldn’t have helped. Was he even breathing? His chest wasn’t moving! Or was it? A bit? Nnoitra leaned in over Grimmjow, to try and feel his breath against his ear. Thankfully, he was breathing! But only just. He needed help! Nnoitra was not the help he needed. He needed some professional help. At least Nnoitra wasn’t too useless to know that he had to dial 911.

     So that’s exactly what he did.

     The call itself was almost a blur to Nnoitra. His hand was shaking while he held his phone up to his ear, and his voice was a mess of cracks and stutters, while he explained to the woman at the other end of the line what had happened. He didn’t even know the address so he tried to explain where the location was. This wasted time. Nnoitra didn’t know how urgent this all was, or what could happen to Grimmjow. With his vacant hand, he was clenching his boyfriend’s shirt, scared that if he let go, it would ALL be over.

     ❝ ‘S gonna be okay. ❞ Was he saying it to Grimmjow, or to himself? The apartment was silent again, now that the phone call had ended. Nnoitra almost wanted to hold his breath to listen for sirens in the distance. He was still holding onto Grimmjow’s shirt, hard enough for his hand to turn even paler than usual. If something happened to Grimmjow—

     Something HAD already happened to him! How the fuck could Nnoitra not have known that he was taking drugs? There was a chance that this was his first time, but the chances of that were slim. It was much more likely that Nnoitra had been too dense to notice! Then there was that inevitable thought: What if Grimmjow had done it on purpose? What if he had actually tried to kill himself? It was all Nnoitra’s fault. If he had noticed that something was wrong… If he’d just asked about stuff! He should’ve made sure that he was alright! Not just assume that he was! God he was so fucking selfish! ❝ Please, just be okay. ❞ Now, he was talking to Grimmjow. ❝ Please, please…’Da only thing that matters ‘s that yer okay. ❞ This wasn’t the time for Nnoitra to be selfish, and make this about himself. Grimmjow was the ONLY thing that mattered.

     It felt like a fucking eternity before the unmistakable sound of an ambulance cut through the eerie silence that had fallen upon the room. The only thing that had been heard before this was Nnoitra’s shallow, shaking breathing. He had to let go of Grimmjow now, to go outside and make sure that the ambulance stopped in the right place so that Grimmjow could get help as soon as possible. Reluctantly, he freed the grip on the other’s shirt, and his fingers ached.

     Once outside the door, he waved and yelled to get the ambulance to stop. It actually did work, and a whole team of medical staff soon rushed into the building. Nnoitra just did his best to not be in the way. He knew he’d done all he could, even if he really wanted to continue being by Grimmjow’s side. One of the paramedics asked Nnoitra a few, quick questions, which he did his best to answer. The whole scene was so hectic and rushed, and Nnoitra had the strange feeling of being left behind. Like he wasn’t supposed to be here, or like this was all MEANT to happen without him. How was he supposed to know that he was simply in a state of shock?

     The paramedics were all very professional, but, at the same time, they were friendly, and one of them made sure that Nnoitra got a spot in the ambulance, so that he could come with his ‘ friend ‘ to the hospital. The sirens were loud even from inside the car. Nnoitra had never been in an ambulance before, but didn’t think much of it. The thought that was on his mind, no matter how selfish it was, was the question: Had Grimmjow done it on purpose?

[blogletthestormpass]

All the times when your brain and your heart disagreed

I have been on sick leave for 6 months. I have been on medication for 6 months. I have been in depression for 6 months....

Somehow, 6 months was my goal. My target. My "at that moment I'm gonna be all healed".

6 months has comed. I have not reached my goal or my target. And im definitely not healed.

I have followed every instructions given to me by doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists. I have endured a gazillion side effects. I have exercised. Gotten out. Got some sun. Saw people. Talked about my problems. Read about my illness. Tried new things. Got a routine. Ate healthy. Slept enough. Meditated. My brain says that its enough. That I'm supposed to be okay. That I'm supposed to be better. Supposed to be healed.

My heart is still crying. Weeping. Bleeding.

I understand everything. The molecules. The hormones. The serotonine dopamine receptors. The way it works.

What i don't understand is why I still want to hurt myself. That I see no future in my life. That I still feel like drowning.

The worst part isn't my thoughts on the matter. Because I can live with them. I will keep fighting as long as I can. Even when the dark thoughts creeps in, I know they come from me and can be stopped by me.

No, the worst part is what people you love tell you. They care. They want you better. Theyre hurt. So at one point, of course they're bound to say the wrong things. The things you don't want or need to hear.

They ask you if you will ever get better? They say that its taking too much time. That it isn't normal. And they say that your pills are drugs and you'd be better off them.

What they don't understand is how hard it is to take every one of those pills. That you look at them in the morning. And talking to them. Praying that they will work and save you. They give you horrible side effects. And you know when you swallow them that you're doomed to have nausea all day and stomach ache and tiredness. But you do it. You swallow them. Because you trust in the medical staff. And because you have faith that they will work.

Your brain says: just get over it, get better already.

Your heart says: this is too hard, everything hurts. 

I think the important part is to believe that this is temporary. That eventually your true self will shine through. And that, at that moment, your brain and your heart will be in harmony.