#im gonna go through all my hyperfixations/interests and hope i get lucky

[space-station-collective]

Howdy! I saw your "ask a system" post and I personally have been wondering if I am a system. Do you have any advice you can share for someone trying to figure this out on their own, or any personal experiences with learning and discovering systemhood you're comfy sharing? I currently don't have any way to get tested or diagnosed but I still want to be able to understand what's going on in my brain. Thank you!

hey hi! thank you for your ask! :D

so this one im gonna try my Best to answer but im not sure how well it will help, also keep in mind this is just my& experience and there may be other things that work for you!

first things first, keep in mind that these things take time! i found out about the system im a part of really really quickly and honestly it caused a lot of problems because of how quickly it was. it usually takes time to figure it out and develop healthy communication among the system members, and generally know what is going on

^ that was written by the host (who was so unbelievably tired), I'm taking over now, but didn't want to delete what he said! (Grian) (long post ahead!)

I'm gonna start with some resources/advice, and move to more personal experiences at the end!

the difficulty with determining if you're a part of a system, while already knowing about systems, is that it can be very difficult to know if the words actually describe you, or if it's just the closest thing. I know this is probably the worst to hear, but a lot of it honestly is a load of self reflection and determining what labels feel comfortable for you! at its base, plurality is a very wide label, and the way it applies to one person may be completely different to how it may apply to another!

the next thing is so much research. we were lucky to already have a very good base of knowledge due to a research hyperfixation a couple years back, which made things much easier on us, but there was still a lot we had to look into before really understanding what was happening

this website looks like it has a lot of good information! it has a section specifically dedicated to "Am I Plural?" which links to several other resources, as well. I don't fully have the energy to read through the entire site, but from what I saw it has good info, and I've seen other accounts link to it, so I'm inclined to trust it!

okay, now for personal experiences

I'm actually the main reason we found out about our system! or at the very least, how we found out when we did. I could probably make a post on that at some point, if there's interest in it, but to put it short, we had been suspecting plurality for a while and then I actually switched in, and now here we are!

honestly, my main advice is just keep doing research, and try not to doubt yourself. whatever might be happening, be it plurality or something else entirely, it's still your experience, and it's valid! also, a mistake our host made is trying really very hard to push down the system and ignore it. what actually happened was.. very damaging. please don't try and push away what's going on, I promise you it'll make it a lot easier if you lean into trying to understand it

I wish you the very best of luck! I hope this post actually made sense, our writing tends to be a bit all over the place sometimes. I hope this was able to offer some guidance!

-the host (he/they) and Grian (he/him/they)

[aro-aizawa]

trying to make a thing including all my aro headcanons is really hard when i instantly forget all the characters i hc as aro

[jonphaedrus]

why i hate bowling (and how this resulted in me suplexing a child into a trash bin full of water)

i wasn’t going to tell a story tonight but then i rediscovered a draft of storify tweets from my since-deleted for threatening my friends with crimes so i will instead tell the story about why i absolutely hate bowling, with my entire heart and soul, to a degree that is both irrational and probably unhealthy.

first of all, i love sock puppets. so jot that down. sock puppets are fucking rad. there is something about putting your hand in a sock and pretending to talk with it that is just so...so soothing. like making a little clay dude. 

second of all, i have a junior black belt in karate. as a child i was small, fast, angry, and just full of seething, roiling violence and rage.

third of all, i was not informed i was neurodivergent until i was 16. thanks, court mandated medical care!

so once upon a time in the tender grasp of 6th grade (age 12) before i did stupid things like “skiing accident” and “put my foot through a wall slip on a dog bed give myself a quite significant head injury by levering backwards without a counterbalance headfirst into a wooden floor like one of those drinky birds but in reverse and with exponential force compressed onto it” i was informed we were going to go on a field trip.

look, i’m from austin, texas. there are three field trips in austin, texas. you go to the alamo, you go to nasa, or you go to the bob bullock museum of texas history. sometimes, if you’re really lucky you go to galveston or something, but that’s almost never going to happen. it’s just alamo/nasa/bob bullock/alamo on repeat. you don’t just remember the alamo, you’ve got rocks stuck in your shoes from the alamo and you horrify your friends and get in trouble with the teachers by being a child with a hyperfixation special interest in davy crocket and giving graphic details about jim bowie’s death that, frankly, 5th graders should probably not be exposed to.

in 6th grade, we were told we were getting a very special reward: a NEW FIELD TRIP DESTINATION. and not just ANY field trip destionation—no! we were going to go to one of the best art museums in the city to make SOCK PUPPETS as a part of an art installation. WHO DOESNT WANT TO DO THIS? THIS IS SO FUCKING COOL.

6th grade cisboys obviously do not want to do this. art museums are for girls or weird kids and sock puppets are for babies.

well, fuck that: i wanted to make sock puppets. i got so excited. i picked my favorite pair of turtle socks to turn into puppets and brought them along on our hour-long bus ride, practically vibrating in my seat like oh yeah oh fuck oh yeah oh fuck im gonna get to make TURTLE SOCK PUPPETS it was going to be the highlight of my LIFE

so our bus finally parks and im like “wait. this isnt...the museum” and then my 6th grade english teacher, whom i loathed for so many good reasons but mostly that he was one of Those english teachers who would reply “i don’t know, CAN you?” if you asked him if you could go to the bathroom, etc, popped out on the front of the bus

“surprise!” he announced, practically radiating sunshine rainbows and like whatever it is that makes annoying grammar nerds decide that they need to grow up and become a heinous 6th grade english teacher that bullies neurodivergent kids with trauma, “i was KIDDING! we were never going to go make SOCK PUPPETS at that stupid ART MUSEUM! that’s KID STUFF. we’re going BOWLING with a PIZZA PARTY!!!”

like any neurodivergent child who has just had their entire day’s plan and all their hopes and dreams ripped from them, i immediately tackled him and gnawed his hands and feet off, stuck them on pikes, and paraded them around the bowling alley as a lesson to all those who should cross me.

no i didn’t do that: i cried for a while and then sucked it up and determined that i was going to have a good time anyway. despite the fact that a) i already hated bowling and was demonstrably bad at it b) couldn’t wear bowling shoes because of my orthodics c) couldn’t eat any of the pizza party pizza anyway because my mother is chabadnik and kept strict kosher d) as a chabadnik kid i was wearing a floor-length skirt which really isn’t conducive to bowling and e) I HAD FUCKING WANTED TO MAKE FUCKING SOCK PUPPETS.

anyway. there was this guy. who i had a crush on. and everyone knew i had a crush on him, including him. his name was grey (not some 50 shades of grey thing, really) and he got someone to come get me and was like hey grey wants to talk to youuuuu~~~~~~ and i was like oh (gasp) (blush) (sputter) he does???

so i went over to talk to him like hee hee hi grey hee hee and it turned out he’d just wanted to ask me some inane question and i was understandably let down and went back to my friends like w/e it’s just stupid boys shit™

only

when i arrived back at my friends

everyone was laughing at me.

which was like. not an entirely unexpected turn of events. i broke my nose twice that year. i kicked over an entire jar of soy wax candle onto my ankle and got a 2nd degree burn. i was, in general, a very weird, unmedicated, undiagnosed, orthodox jewish child with too much energy and a penchant for starting fights. getting laughed at was kind of par for the course.

only people kept laughing at me until one of my friends realized as i turned around what they’d done to me, because one of his friends had taped a sign to my back that said “I AM A STUPID BITCH”

texas public school says “we didn’t see this happen, we can’t do anything about it, not our problem!” so of course i hate bowling now. but this is not where this ended, oh no. because i had been tried. i had been bullied by this same kid all year and nobody would do shit about it. i could not stop him. i could not get teachers to intervene.

which is fine.

because, you see, if you give a furious small child with a black belt in karate and an unusually early growth spurt four months to plan, that small child with a black belt in karate and an unusually early growth spurt will bide their time, and wait, patiently, for the stars to align and the ultimate moment of vengeance to arrive.

you see, texas schools do this thing. at the end of may for the end of the school year, they have a track and field day. it’s different for every school—some of them do races, some of them have big tug of war and different sports for different grades. some are organized. some are chaotic nightmares.

my school was a chaotic nightmare of a place. they simply booted all of us outside in a normal 100f/37c day to get our energy out by running about, playing minimally policed “sports” and generally make a nuisance of ourselves outside, rather than indoors.

that year it was particularly hot, probably closer to 110f/40c than not, so they left out these big trash bins of water for people to stick their heads in or get buckets to pour over them to cool off. i had no sports i could play (see: floor length skirt, and also, you know, the eds kinds of makes it difficult to do shit) so rather than get involved in something to burn out my energy...i waited.

i waited through the semi-organized sports of the morning. i waited through our indoors luncheon. i waited until the free for all of the afternoon, when teachers were not paying attention.

i waited until the kid who had decided that it would be sooooo funny to tape a sign about how much of a bitch i was because i had a harmless crush on his friend to my back was playing volleyball. invested. entranced.

i went and got a trash bin of water, probably taller than i was, weighing at least triple what i did (i was a pound per inch until i was 13, so i was 63in tall and 63lbs at that time) and i dragged it down the hill. i dragged it over to the volleyball court. i opened the lid. i placed it, strategically, behind me.

there sat the subject of my ire. playing volleyball. he had not noticed me. every other kid had noticed me. his friends did not take me seriously. i was two twigs stuck together with sticky tac. what was i going to do to him?

well, see, they didn’t know i did karate.

i walked up behind the kid, calmly, cool as you please, grabbed him around the waist—

—and suplexed him backwards upside-down headfirst into the trash bin full of water and dropped him into it. and then i shut the lid on him as he tried to get turned around and spluttering, dusted my hands off, and walked away.

we ended up going to the same high school, and he saw me literally one time in the hallways and ran away so fast i would’ve thought he’d just been recognized by his unfinished homework or the three girls he was cheating on because he was football team quarterback. he did that for two years. literally never came within 20ft of me. fucking terrified of me.

anyway, that’s why i hate bowling. and is also the story of the time i suplexed a kid backwards into a trashcan full of water.

[emomanswhore]

࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟPRESENTING 〔 🌠 〕 BAKI-DAY ‘22 !! ࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

. .★. 112022 . .★.

HAPPY 20th ─⊹⊱✰⊰⊹─ BAKI .! ↻ .! @TOUYYES

SO it is my baby’s birthday today 😋 my prettiest, special lil twinky dinky @touyyes ! orrr whom y’all better know as baki ! before i start my lil speechy speech, MAKE SURE YALL GO SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY. it’s not just any birthday either,, my baby made it to 20 YEARS OLD. tbh,, that’s old as hell 😟 buuutttt she a lil cute or whatever. so i guess it’s okay that baki has OFFICIALLY departed from the teens. so yeah, pretty please go stop by her inbox n scream happy birthday 🎈🎂🎊

to my dearest princess, baki … 💌🧁🍓

TODAY IS YOUR DAYYY MAANNNN ITS OFFICIALLY BADDIE SEASON NOW THAT YOUR DAY HAS FINALLY COME 💋🦂 !! how you feeling?? hope you feeling good and your special day is good, well, and fun !! as if i literally don’t know what you're doing rn so ! even though we are a whole ass continent apart and im not able to give you a physical gift- i wanted to give you a lil' serenade and tell you some stuff, that's coming straight from the heart 🤍💕 (and coochie so if i say some fruitcake shit.… i did go in heat momentarily arrooo 🅰️🅱️🅾️)

it's not only your birthday today- BUT ! it also our one year anniversary!! (we not gon count those few months prior that we met, cuz im tryna be romantic and cute rn 🛌) - a WHOLEASS YEAR, LIKE ?? has time gone by incredibly fast, or is it just me? but with spending this past year with you, i've come to learn so much abt you ! whether that's the deep hyperfixation on things you'll periodically get n then get over, your love for the sea n swimming, or even down to the lil things that make up your personality!

in my eyes, you really are like a star ! so dazzling, bright, and the way you shine brings everyone in and makes them INSTANTLY attracted to you 💫 from your charm, to your outgoing and cool nature, and to how fucking hilarious you are. like istg i've literally never had anyone match the same energy as me, and deadass make my lungs clatter and collapse into my stomach from how hard i laugh 🐽💥 speaking of matching energy, man,, i cant even use certain emojis unironically no more cuz we ruined the meaning of them, with the dumbass lil emoji combos we came up with

it's crazy how i can't do certain things without thinking of you. literally rent free in my damn mind, and it's literally cuz we talk damn near everyday 🤕 like if i go even a full 24 hours without talking to you, it's very obvious that im sad n not in a good mood. bitch you literally have me in a chokehold and this shit doesn’t seem to be coming apart anytime soon 🧎🏽‍♀️🕳⛓ if you wanted someone who’s gonna be obsessed with you for the rest of your life, congratulations. cuz i don’t plan on ever letting you go, and you are MINE forever 😋🩸🪓 (possessive alpha mode grrr ruff ruff)

i could literally go on and brag about you for the rest of my life fr. like words can never truly express the amount of adoration and love i have for you. like i literally see MYSELF in you— that could be from us sharing so many common interests, or to the way we come up with crazy ass (delusions) headcanons of our bfs. you’ve become the biggest supporter and lover in my world ! even now with me recently starting to seriously write, you’ve had my back all the way through it. helping me proofread, giving me ideas n suggestions, and all around helping me feel confident n happy with my work !! 💗

i could never thank you enough, and express the full gratitude n appreciation i have for you. just YOU— n im so lucky that you’ve come into my life and made every day so much better. november gave me the best things,, it was the month you were brought into this world, and eventually the month that has made us as close as we are now ! 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩💕

baki, you are the light of my life. my partner in crime, my wifey and the twinkling little star that i always look forward to seeing. the stacy to my chellery, and actual love of my life. i love you so very much, and i can’t wait to celebrate our special month of november next year, the year after that, and the future years that i plan to spend with you 🤍 💍

HAAAPPPYY BIRRTHHDDAAYYY STAAYYCEE !!

[isa-ghost]

Achievements Unlocked?

The last decade has COMPLETELY shaped who I am now and the fact that it ends today and essentially sends me off into the next one where turning 30 is the end is something I can’t wrap my head around and not just bc it’s barely 9am as I’m writing it. Ten years hasn’t felt like ten years and all the shit that’s happened during those ten years feels like it’s happened in the last like,,, 3.

Basically this is just me going How The Fuck Did All Of This Happen In A Decade and highlighting the big things that shaped who I am now.

Uhhh this is long I’m gonna-

2010/2011 (Shit’s A Blur):

I started noticing aesthetic interests I had.

I developed my love for the outdoors and exploration.

I started realizing vaguely spooky things were really intriguing to me.

I got SUPER into Harry Potter.

Which lead to me creating my first two Ocs.

I started switching from drawing animals/landscapes to drawing people.

I made my first cluster of friends I hoped I’d have forever. (Spoiler alert: only still have one of em).

2012:

I started identifying with punk rock & emo culture/aesthetics.

I made my first cluster of online friends (Spoiler alert: don’t talk to any of em now)

I got into YouTubers.

I got into anime.

I made my first “blog.” It was a Facebook page for a fictional character.

I discovered my favorite band.

I made my first online friend I hoped I’d have forever (still have em so far!)

I met my future wife.

I started roleplaying with Ocs.

Which lead to making more.

I started drawing digitally using bases. Which started my improvement.

I made my own first little community via my FB page.

Which lead to an rp group of more friends I hoped I’d have forever (still got a handful of em!)

I discovered my other favorite bands.

I started using Skype.

I got into more anime.

My parents were officially fully separated. 

Which began the very start of realizing my dad was verbally abusive.

Congrats Isa, You Need Glasses You Dumb Fuck. Hooray astigmatism.

I graduated 8th grade.

2013:

I was essentially forced to move in with my dad for high school.

I started high school.

Officially became total anime trash and started watching them like crazy.

I THINK I hit 100 Ocs at some point this year. Just kept makin them from here.

Met my first cluster of irl forever friends (spoiler alert: only have 1 now).

Learned having Ocs was Not Just An Isa Thing, Holy Shit I Thought I Was Just Weird.

Promptly fell in love with learning about other people’s Ocs.

Realized Wow, I Kinda Can’t Stand My Dad And I Don’t Trust Him.

Had my first boyfriend. *gag* He was nasty.

Experienced my first long distance relationship. It lasted 3 days.

2014/2015 (Shit’s Also Blurry):

Got another long distance boyfriend. First relationship I genuinely liked the person.

I realized talking multiple people through the lowest points of their lives and keeping them from harming themselves was a sign I should maybe get into psychology and do that as a job.

I started getting interested in researching mental disorders.

Realized Okay Yeah, I Lowkey Hate My Dad

Realized I had A Concerning Amount Of Symptoms Of Depression. Fuck.

Realized Huh, Girls Are Pretty Too,,,

My friend taught me about bi and pansexuality. Casually started identifying as pan. Didn’t know shit about LGBT+ stuff.

Was shown a video by my friend. Decided Wow I Really Like This Screaming Potato Guy.

Acquired one more forever friend I still have.

Got slapped in the face by Gravity Falls.

My mom moved out of the rural town I just spent the last like 8 Years Of My Own Character Development In, Dammit

I realized money and finances Fucking Sucks.

Had the,, probably worst year of my adolescence. Angry, depressed, sick of my dad. It was Not Great. Almost started self-harming, only didn’t because I’d be a hypocrite if I did after helping my friends stop doing it.

Homestuck invaded my life around here I think.

Decided I’m Gonna Live With My Online Friends One Day! (spoiler alert: nope).

Was kinda forced by my dad to move out of the apartment I lived in and therefore forced to transfer schools.

Got to meet my future wife irl for the first time. Wow that was,, so gay before we even realized.

Okay Hold On, This New School Is,,, Really Nice.

2016:

New school. New me. New friends. New everything. Fuckity shit fuck.

Okay wait they have an anime club like my other school did we good.

Met another two forever friends that I think really are forever friends now.

Angry Shitty Depression Time Died Down A Little.

Somehow learned about evilsonas. Huh, Does Jack Have One? ... Ok Cool, They’re All People’s Ocs. Meh.

Started learning how to drive. Oh My God This Is Fun.

Lost my second ever pet and was... very confused when I wasn’t as traumatized as I was the first time I lost a pet.

Boyfriend kinda Thanos snapped from existence bc his irl life was hectic.

Experienced what it’s like to have a friend that died.

Wow my irl best friend is hot. ... Okay I Think Boyfriend’s Absence Is Bothering Me. *proceeds to ignore that*

Gets into some more bands.

Knock Knock, You Have Separation Anxiety, Isa.

Finally decided to try out high school things like homecoming. Ooh That Was Actually Fun.

The beginning of the worst end to a friendship I’ve ever had starts. Not Handling It Well.

Discovered Fooster. Cue hyperfixation on new favorite YouTuber and more new friends.

Wait What The Fuck What Just Happened To Jack’s Camera,,,, OH MY GOD HE ISN’T-

HE IS. OH FUCK HE IS. MMMMHELLO KNIFE MAN.

Totally forgets he exists for the next like 10 months.

Realization I Really Fucking Love Halloween.

Discovered what asexuality is and immediately identifies because I thought I was just weird.

Hmm maybe I should start watching this Markiplier guy

Big Sad Times, My Friends Graduated. Next Year Gonna SUCK.

Tried out Dungeons & Dragons. Fuckin loved it.

2017:

Ah fuck I’m a senior in high school this is gonna be a trip.

Discovered I like photography.

Literally where did this school year go it’s so blurry.

Was convinced to end the relationship with boyfriend. He’s still a good bean.

Hey uhhhh online best friend do u big gay.

WE big gay.

Found a book I really like that isn’t Harry Potter, damn it’s about time.

Ok But This Book Really Fucked Me Up, I Love It.

OH FUCK WAIT I’M GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL.

Oh that wasn’t so bad.

Actually had to be PUSHED by my friends to have my first kiss with my girlfriend at my graduation party because I was too busy going [dkasjdjf] about having her physically in my presence at all.

First super memorable vacation. Wow I Fucking Love Traveling.

Got to meet another online friend!! I am,, incredibly lucky about being able to do that, this was like the 4th friend I got to meet.

[That one motion blur conspiracy theorist meme] SABRINA IM TELLING U JACK IS UP TO SOMETHING HIS TWITTER IS FUCKY

Gets punched in the throat with Kill Jacksepticeye on the way home from vacation and remembers how much I fucking love Anti

TIME FOR COLLEGE. I made a mistake.

TIME FOR COMMUNITY COLLEGE. Much Better.

Friend I Still Have From High School 1/2 introduced me to Bendy and the Ink Machine. HYPERFIXATION TIME BABEY.

Let’s,,, lets try Tumblr. Jack exists there a lot. And so does good art of everything I’m interested in.

Wait Who’s This Baby With The Mustache, JACK EXPLAIN

Okay there’s More Going On Here, lets get active in the community.

WHY THE FUCK IS THERE SECURITY FOOTAGE. THIS IS SKETCH. THIS ISOH MOTHERFUCKER ITS ANTI

Isa: Become Theorist

The rest is history, really, all stuff I’ve posted about on here. xD

And knowing me I’ve left out other highlighted bits but remembering all of this is,,, really exhausting lmao, I’m surprised I jotted down as much as I did in Relatively Chronological Order.