#im gonna go insane i have a 10 am tomorrow................ no................... not like this.............................................

[whatkindofnameisella]

UHM. so i read the chapter where paragon and vivacia meet!! and

[phagodyke]

pls let this backpacker hostel I'm staying at in a couple weeks be nice so I can go to more gigs in [redacted] and not have to worry abt how to get home from them bc I can just stay there... 😭

[sleepiestwizard]

okay im gonna put all my thoughts about the hotguy zinethology on here based on the incoherent ramblings my friends received while i was reading it

(obviously spoilers below the cut)

okay so first of all the first part was SO fucking funny i cried laughing multiple times

the first time i saw cute guy i SCREAMED

HOTGUY TRYING TO GET CUTEGUY TO JOIN HIS UNION AND GRIAN JUST GOING. NAH. WAS SO FUNNY

@cornpapers draws scar SO pretty

mumblr is SUCH a funny name 10/10

the "dont you think cuteguy and hotguy having matching names and outfits is queerbaiting" post is SO FUNNY

THE GRIANVERSE

SHE'S HERE !!!!!!! ARIANA GRIANDE !!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY. GRIAN LOOKS LIKE THE SAD HAMSTER

REALLY GOOD PANEL

this whole comic was so funny i loved it loved the cub

THE EMAILS PART WAS ALSO SO FUNNY

this is such an interesting and fun way to tell a story i loved the email part

in general the posts and stuff were SO funny and very realistic for the internet 😭

yeah

grian desperately trying to not let scar reveal his identity 😭😭 girl (this also hits so different now after reading the whole thing btw.)

the comparison to a wild horse in this first fic also killed me

i can't really put a lot of images but there were some really classic superhero comic looking panel that i thoroughly enjoyed

scar tangled in his own grappling hook. classic. very funny

I LOVED THIS FIC SO MUCH. scar voice this is gonna ruin the tour. grian voice what tour. scar voice the world tour.

scar saying he's playing volleyball. haikyuu reference!?!?!?

just putting this here

LOVEDDDD THIS GEM DESIGN

moon mask i immediately called pearl yes pf course

GRIAN REFUSING TO SHOW EACHOTHER THEIR IDENTITIES AGRHRGRHRVH

"you and your cuteguy" arggrgrhsggrgrhgr

murder camel REAL !!

I DIDN'T TRUST THIS FOR A SECOND. PEARL AND HER SOUP I DONT BUY IT

"i cant believe you guys fucking killed jimmy solidarity" <- actual message i sent to mochi

SCOUR KNOWING SCARS NAME. AGRHSGRHRGRHV

i literally had to Go Take A Walk after this fic

i really like how the pearl thing was resolved in this it felt like such a good act 2 reoccurring villain exit. very superhero comic/movie like or even dnd like

'vincent berger' made me laugh

ZEDDIT

MOCHI FIC !!!!

first off every single fic has SUCH a cool cover i love them all

poor grian has ptsd :((

i LOVEEE how mochi writes angst always they're so good at it

the fact that he never found jimmys body immediately made me call the fact that he wasn't really dead and would come back btw

gem would lovee to drive grian slowly crazy tbh

"IVE COME TO PICK UP MY BIRD" AGRHRGRHGRHRVRBTBJRG

JUST LOOK AT THAT GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL TOMORROW !!!!!!!

i was going insane at this point

this whole zine had me feeling like that meme thats like first i laughed.. then i serioused (the first part was SO funny and then golden era was psychic damage /pos)

IMPULSE :D

GEMPEARL <33 they are so everything to me

SCAR WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE SUSPICIOUS POSSIBLY EVIL FOREIGN TECHNOLOGY ON YOUR BODY. SIR.

NOT THE DESTIEL MEME

they look SO fucking cute

both scar and grian look sooooo scrumptious in this comic argh

THE MIND CONTROL. THE. RHE MIND CONFNTOL.

THESE 2 FULL PAGES ARE ABSOLUTELY SO INSANE. I WAS AND STILL AM FOAMING AT THE MOUTH

THIS IS SO. GOD THIS

THE WAY GRIAN JUMPED AND SCAR JUMPED AFTER HIM. THEYRE CRAZY !!!!!!!

THE WIPING THE BLOODY NOSE AND THEN SMILING LITERALLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE TOOK THE MASK OFF

mumbo <3

THE HUG. ☹️☹️☹️

great big beautiful tomorrow :((( the parallels :((

GRIAN BEING TOO FLUSTERED BY SCAR KINDA FLIRTING THAT HE DIDN'T REALISE HE WAS DROPPING HINTS ABT HIS IDENTITY WAS SO FUNNY

cutiebird..

scar playing w his hair when cuteguy was hurt :(( so cute

REALLY FUNNY

THEY'RE HOLDING HANDS ☹️☹️

the tcg voice: theyre holding hands.. i want them dead

SKIZZ !!!!

ETHO !!!!!!!!!!

awhh skizzly :((((

THIS IS SO UPSETTING

"It's our Impulse, Gem" IM SO UPSET SHUT UP

god the way she puts on the mask and immediately is emotionless im gonna throw up

OBSESSED. THEY'RE EVERYTHING TO ME

im so obsessed w this cuteguy i love him

grian voice omg im the only bitch serving cunt in this place im so embarasseddddd

they are serving SO much in this comic

ETHO EYHO ETHO ETHEO

SCAR APPOINTING GRIAN AS LEADER. EARURGRHVRH THEY'RE EVERYTHING

READING THIS WAS SO CRAZY IT LITERALLY FELT LIKE WATCHING ENDGAME

JIMMY SOLIDARITY !!!

MUMBO JUMBO !!!!!

impulse thinking about skizz as he's dying :(((((

HE DID IT ALL FOR SKIZZ :(((((((((

i was so upset this made me sob like a baby

SOUP GROUP :(((

SKIZZLY!!! :(((

warden :/

SCAR PEARL INTERVIEW :( HOTGUY RETIRING :( I LOVE THEM

THE CHEMICAL MUTATING PEOPLE IS JUST ESTROGEN BEING A GIRL JUST DOES THAT TO YOU

grian and scar playing volleyball is that a haikyuu reference....

OH THIS PEARL IN THIS COMIC IS REALLY GOOD

cuteguy is so spiderman coded

GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL TOMORROW !!!!!! WE'VE COME FULL CIRCLE !!! SOBBING !!!!

god all in all this was so crazy. it was such an obvious labour of love and everyone who was involved with it did such a good job and obviously put so much love into it AND IT WAS WORTH IT !!!! insanely good work thank you to everyone for doing this and sharing it for free?? @hotguycomiczine y'all are crazy. incredible work <333

[cressthebest]

Crimson Rivers thoughts pt. 38

chapter 57:

1. starting out with gay panic i see. not for pandora, but for me. good lily is SO HOT

2. lily and remus’ freindship is pure angst atm

3. “I love you, Lily, then and now and the past six years and the next six and all the years I've got in this life. All of them will be spent loving you, and I would do it all over again; I would do it tomorrow.” 😧 IM IN SO MUCH PAIN

4. the loss of dorlily 😔😔 BUT we we lost in dorlily, we gained in marylily and dorlene

5. i love the emphasis put on the importance of freindships in crimson rivers. remus even says himself that he loves lily just as much as sirius, just differently

6. “"You know, Red, I feel like I need to go shake Remus Lupin's hand," Kingsley says dryly. "He's working miracles, clearly."” kingsley is showing KING behavior

7. omg the absolute LOSS OF DORLILY

8. damn lily went to mary and spilled everything

9. “Regulus is snatched out of his near-daily daydream of taking Slughorn by the back of his head and smashing his face down against the table he sits at until he's just a smear on it” MOOD

10. barty and regulus taking care of each other >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

11. I WANT SIRIUS TO BE ABLE TO TAKE THE MASK OFF!!! FUCK THIS!!

12. SIRIUS AND JAMES SIRIUS AND JAMES SIRIUS AND JAMES SIRIUS AND JAMES SIRIUS AND JAMES SIRIUS AND JAMES SIRIUS AND JAMES SIRIUS AND JAMES

chapter 58:

1. “He's not above killing an old man” 🥰🥰💞💖💞✨regulus✨💞💖💞🥰🥰

2. WHAT

3. albus killed ariana. that’s- that’s wild. i’d- i’d never. holy shit. HE KILLED HIS OWN SISTER TO WIN THE ARENA?? THEY WERE THE LAST TWO AND HE KILLED HER??? holy FUCK

4. ALBUS VOLUNTEERED FOR ABERFORTH FIRST AND THEN ARIANNA WAS CALLED???? ID NEVER FREAKING RECOVER HOLY SHIT

5. this is such whiplash. i was unprepared for this knowledge

6. 😐😒 side EYE at albus. he fell in love with the person that literally tore his family apart. i don’t feel sorry for him in the slightest. he’s insane.

7. OHHH got it. grindlewald killed ariana. so then albus killed him. revenge >:)

(i still have no sympathy for him. he’s still in love with grindlewald. the little bitch)

8. regulus does not play around. his deal with albus is feeling a lot like his ahb self and i’m love with these characterizations of him.

9. 😭😭😭 tiny nymphadora kicking a man’s ankles for hating on james

10. dumbledore: i have a mission for you-

remus: fuck no

dumbledore: to save james and sirius

remus: FUCK YES! OKAY!!!!

11. before i know if dorcas and marlene switched who goes on the mission, i make my guess right now: this mission kills marlene. she goes on it and dies.

12. “"I'd rather you kill me, I think," Dorcas tells her, and it comes out as a whimper, her heart clenching violently in her chest.

A shaky laugh spills out of Marlene's mouth. "Honestly, that could be arranged."

"Make it hurt," Dorcas mumbles.

"No, for you, I'd be so gentle," Marlene whispers, breath spilling out hot and trembling along Dorcas' jaw.””

FUCK IM SO GAY

13. “"I promise," Marlene vows immediately, fiercely, and then she kisses her, holding her face in her hands and kissing her like that's enough to make sure that promise never breaks.”” zar, i’m so tired. please, i’m so tired. she’s gonna die and i’m so tired. 😞

14. the theme of harry potter is literally supposed to be about how love is more powerful than anything else, yet jkr sucked at portraying that. crimson rivers does it wonderfully, over and over and over again.

15. i forgot about mary being trans until it was casually dropped in again, and honestly, i’m glad it’s that way.

16. i like how everyone’s like: reg no!!!

and bartys like: REG YES!! THEYRE TALKING SHIT ABOUT YOUR FIANCÉ!! FUCK THEM UP!!

17. every. damn. time. reg is like “if you do this, i am explicitly telling you the pain i will make you feel in return.” and every single time, people do it anyways and are surprised.

18. “Marlene, a woman who rolls with the punches, and keeps going, and wears her bruises like jewelry.”

19. zars comments on lily at the end of the chapter 😭😭 “i love this transition for her going from having sex with a lot of women to being like I'm A Family Woman Now 😭 she really said, i found a wife and a kid, and im done with the drama”

[tubbytarchia]

jim stream. i tried to keep it short. its not short.

(full server list thanks to martyn streams pinned message: Aimsey, Bekyamon, Fwhip, Lizzie, Mogswamp, Oli, Shelby, Scott, Joel, Sneeg, Jimmy, Guqqie, Sausage, CPK, Eloise, and Martyn)

jimmy logs in and martyns nearby. they almost immediately start calling each other discheads. martyn says that he (himself) is the biggest dischead he knows.

aimsey comes over and ALSO calls them discheads but aimsey believes the holes a donut so they get offended.

aimseys STACKED. 14 hours on the server already. its day 4. jimmy and martyn believe that they just live in the server now. aimsey IRL left a party early to go home and play minecraft.

the server crashed but they knew it was going to so jimmy and martyn just started chanting disc to make sure it was the last word said before the crash. he talks to chat for a bit and he says hes going to build a base today

server restarts and they all rejoin. aimsey kills a horse then combat logs when jimmy and martyn go after them. its really funny since everyone else is in full diamond and jimmys walking around with his stone tools.

jimmy does a mini tour of the disc (just pointing out where things are) and he doesnt stop talking but he does look over at scotts twice. like a double take. which is understandable cuz it looks like this vv

^^ which TECHNICALLY doesnt mean anything. building inside a wall is a common building thing and it does not mean he is referencing any past series. (gritting my teeth)

jimmy decides that he should probably get geared up before doing anything else and goes mining.

HIM AND OLI ARE. STREAMING ELDEN RING TOMORROW. ????? really out of nowhere HES GONNA BE STREAMING ON TWITCH????????????? who is this man. who are u. my twitch streamer. he yearns for twitch emotes. and an among us stream on wednesday WHAT is happening

someone came into chat to tell him that impulse thought he was 30. he got so deeply offended about it. he demanded the chat to tell him that hes 28 then decided to message him HIMSELF "i am 28 years old. and proud. not 30." impulse said something like "close enough" and jimmy is so annoyed about it.

jimmy learns that joel is having a statue built of him. he IS happy about it but he makes a really funny expression for a few moments

hes been digging a staircase down instead of finding caves like a normal person and he finds an underwater cave. he crafts some doors and mines some underwater diamonds......... pro gamer.....

shelby joins and sausage starts. being sausage

olis in chat and jim starts talking to him. he asks if theyre still planning to live together and olis like pushing our minecraft beds together???

his diamond luck is INSANE he just cant stop finding them.

its been like 10 minutes since the 30 thing and hes like HAS IMPULSE MESSAGED ME BACK YET? (he hasnt) hes too scared. jimmy i think ur the only one who cares but its very endearing.

callum cpk has joined the jimmy solidaritygaming polycule. i mean what. jimmy promises he will be back in 2 minutes then finds a massive cave.

(he starts heading back and then finds a mineshaft. i fear they are never seeing each other)

i was joking earlier but WHAT IS HIS DEAL LMAOOOOOO jimmy was like WHY ARE YOU SO DEPENDANT?????? ("is this how joel feels? like what im like to him?" okay. okay)

(i tuned into cpks stream and he is actually doing it. he is slowly getting higher. why does jimmy attract the most insane men)

jimmys talking about tango swag/twag and how its being used and he calls himself a tango stan. he says a tango tangie (like an ethogirl)

jimmy finally gets back. cpk jumps down and survives! it took half his hearts but hes fine enough.

martyn comes over and they start berating cpk for not being a dischead. cpks like i think ur pushing the line of what u can say and theyre both like what? and he just backs down immediately,,,,,,

they go to scotts house just to harass him for being a donut believer. yeah sure why not. jimmy says he doesnt like the sound of scotts composter (it sounds like someones just in your walls all the time) and scott says hes going to build one in jimmys house.

martyn walks off at some point and cpk and jim talk about sausage. ("callum you cant be encouraging it." "i didnt know i was honestly")

jimmy starts making fun of cpk for being a furry. thats rich coming from him. cpk says it back and neither of them properly deny it which means its canon now

they talk about their dogs for a bit and cpk says all his dogs are called jimmy. jimmy gets close to him and is like i knew you were obsessed. this is the first time omgggg and cpks like i cant believe thats true. and jimmys like joels been obsessed. jk its the other way around

cpk decides to move into the disc. atp i think over half the server is living in/around the disc.

martyns here again. theyre trying to fix a waterfall that oli (and sausage?) made thats like. really strangely shaped. they fix it then start running around and start talking about how welsh kirstys accent is (cuz jim tried to do her accent and martyn was like shes more welsh than that and they bicker for a bit) and they run past scott and martyns like oi scott do u think kirstys welsh as anything AND ALL THIS TO SAY SCOTT AGREED WITH JIMMY. BIG NEWS.

he talks to bekyamon. when he asked her what she thinks the hole is she said shes agnostic, which implies the disc/donut thing is a religion. this is furthered by jimmy saying he will respect her beliefs. interesting.

he can hear oli from far away and eventually spots him. his first instinct upon seeing oli is to hide and just start repeating everything oli says. they meet up and talk about how they have done absolutely nothing. they talk about base plans and making a farm better than the one on the other side of the disc wall. oli says "slash neg" out loud

they talk about whos the discheads. jimmy mentions that cpk took some convincing and olis like "we hate a man who challenges authority" im SO scared as to what the disc/donut thing is going to become. they talk to cpk about the disc.

shelby comes over too and shes. shes calling herself the rim lord. frowns. i dont watch either of them very much but i think i need to be scared of the shelby/sausage teamup.

MARTYN HAS GONE TO A TRIAL CHAMBER AND HAS THE ACHIEVEMENT. i tuned into his stream to see and he literally just went close enough for the achievement then left.

jimmy went up to sausages house and listened in on him for a bit. someone in sausages chat calls him a professional minecrafter and hes like "well some may say that. i built all of this without anything on my side monitor" and jimmy just went like ʰᵉˢ ˡʸᶦⁿᵍ

then sausage comes down and they talk. sausage says he was breeding for fwhip for 10 hours last night. cows and sheep of course. hes calling himself the lord of the rim.

IT GETS WORSE. THEY FIND FWHIP. FWHIP IS CALLING HIMSELF THE LEADER OF THE BOWLGE (PRONOUNCED BULGE). THIS CANT KEEP HAPPENING. jimmys like deadpan to sausage Youre the rim lord. and sausage just starts laughing. he cant keep up with his own bit.

jimmy leaves and types the kick command in DEAD silence. freedom at last.

end of stream. lizzie might be joining jim and oli for elden ring. we're so back. new video near the end of the week maybe.

awful

I maintain that I wouldn't be able to bear watching this myself. What is this 12yo humor man I love a lot of these guys so much but what!! What rim lords!! What bulge!!!!!!!!! Where am I is it still 2024

The bit with seapeekay makes me unreasonably angry. Why is he doing this. Why do we keep treating Jimmy as an object of desire and burdening him with things he is not responsible nor owes anyone. What is this "If you dont come to me fast enough, I will kill myself" ultimatum. What the fuck has Jimmy done to deserve this why are half the people like this to Jimmy. I'm going to murder someone. When will he be treated like a person again. When will he break away from the ecosystem. When will he find himself in a relationship of mutual nature again. Angry. Seapeekay I have no faith in you anymore

And grrrr. that thing. That fucking thing Scott is building. And Jimmy taking a double take. My son. My poor son. He's being reminded.

Good on him and Martyn though for going over to Scott's house just to harass him. Sounds dreamy

[pretty-chaotic-world]

if my BPD can scream

1. I wish i could have a normal love... but no, my brain wants to worship every little detail of you until it drives me insane

2. sorry i pushed you away i felt abandoned and suicidal 

3. I’m sick of going to bed and knowing things won’t be better tomorrow 

4. I'll ask you thousands times if you really love, please don't get annoyed

5. I'll create "drama" and mishaps only to feel like I'm in home

6. i’m afraid that one day my anger will overshadow the little love i still have left for the world

7. I feel numb. No tears, no anger, nothing. Just going through the same day again and again. I would rather just sleep without waking up.

8. I'm so tired of everytime one small argument or inconvenience breaks out I want to end it and self destruct, it's so draining. 

9. I want to stop feeling anything and when i actually don't it breaks my heart but I can't cry it out.

10. "its all in your head" well duh where tf else is it gonna be??? in my fucking kidneys????

11. I am constantly between wanting people to care about me and wanting them not to so I can hurt myself without feeling guilty 

12. Psychiatrist told me there is no cure for bpd and I've to change myself. Well why cant they just let me die then?

13. Until you live with bpd you'll never know what it's like to be too much and not enough at the same time.

14. i know im constantly too much for everyone but sometimes i just want to be enough for someone

15. if he will leave me, my next diagnosis will be of "sociopath"

16. im so jealous of all the people who see him and touch him and talk to him every single day it should be me me me me 

17. oh I got my hair coloured. why? because I can't hurt myself anymore 

18. "you're so distant" because you can't handle my abandonment issues.

19. My younger self disappoint me a lot. like why were you begging people to stay in your life? ohh no worries I know the answer

20. I wanna throw a plate against the wall, stab a knife through my hand, destroy my laptop with a hammer, smash my door in with an axe and spray graffiti all over the walls of my room 

21. Why shouldn’t I be mad? Why can’t I just be angry and be allowed to feel it? Why can’t I burn everything down?

22. I have to watch my mouth every fucking second to make sure I don't destroy every relation I have coz apparently social life matters!!

23. Isnt it fucked up how he got away with every horrible thing he made me experience and I’m the one who has to live with myself feeling absolutely fucking worthless 

24. I don't deserve food and love. im a horrible person.

25. this is how my eating cycle goes

feeling weak coz i haven't ate anything -> eat -> purge -> feeling guilty after purging -> eat more -> feeling guilty after eating so much -> cry coz you don't know what's happening

26. the diagnosis makes me believe I'm not insane just lil emo ig!! NOOOO YOU'RE INSANE

27. “don’t let it bother u” baby i’m gonna be bothered by this for the next 10 years 

28. if I tell you I love you its equivalent to I can kill someone for you

29. Actually upon further inspection that shit really hurt my feelings 

30. I don't dive into insecurity anymore, i drown in self-loathe

31. i shut up in between group convo coz I know I'll talk invaluable shit and nobody really cares what I say until it's psychology class

32. "if you are fully aware of yourself, why do you keep acting like that?" slapping self awareness on top of bpd only grants the ability to watch yourself self-destruct straight from the vip section thats all it does literally

33. “Where do you see yourself in the future” building a cult for mentally ill people 

34. ofc I've a praise kind i was ignored as a child

35. I'm much better than I was before. you know why coz I don't to air now and don't see monsters walking by side all the time

36. No I don't want to self harm anymore I need to kill that fucking monster

37. Don't mind me, I'm just casually sabotaging all my positive relationships with negative delusions because my life doesn't feel real unless something dramatic and destructive is constantly occurring 

38. i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care (im going to sob my fucking eyes out)

39. “Stop making your disorder your personality” I have a fucking personality disorder for god sake

40. turning my mental illnesses into kinks and calling it the BDSM-5 

41. "destroy something precious while you're in rage" ohh yeaa and then I'll do that again and again 

42. what I hate most about my BPD is the fact that I have started doubting every emotion that I’ve ever felt in my life, whether it’s love, my grief through multiple traumas, or my anger, & it’s so saddening. It has actually led me to start questioning my reality.

43. if I need medication to stay alive, am I really meant to be here?

44. it's either be alone without 75% of my symptoms, or be with someone and display the most horrendous unstable awful version of myself. why do i have to choose between love & happiness or peace & stability?

45. That fucking bpd rage where everyone's voices makes you want to scream and every noise around you makes you want to sh and you're so mad you can almost feel the cuts everywhere 

46. getting worked up to the point of becoming physically ill (throwing up/stomach issues etc) because you felt rejected/abandoned by your favourite person  

47. i wish my trauma made me kind as everyone says but i’m becoming what i fear the most- a monster.

48. imagine getting diagnosed with a personality disorder and the only visible representation of that disorder is an animated horse man, a sociopathic sitcom character from philadelphia, and darth vader

[424151998]

I am in Athens and tomorrow I am going to Tbilisi

Athens is cool at first I was scared and kept thinking I was gonna get pick pocketed but it’s actually extremely chill here. I’ve been wearing the same outfit the whole time tracksuit pants and cardigan and hoodie with the addition of fleece and long sleeve and two puffer jackets and scarf wrapped around my head today and gloves coz it was like 10 degrees lol soooo not that bad but it felt hellish to me it’s gonna get sooooo much worse and I’m scared

Ummm yeah having withdrawals too so I’ve been sleeping a lot and feeling irritable but I’m optimistic that I’ll be feeling more normal soon

I didn’t go to any of the ancient ruins coz they cost money so I just saw them from a distance

Just tonnes of walking and eating

Food:

Tis theatrou to steki twice now…first time was better..first time I was like 😍 marinated anchovies and vegetables in vinegar and garlic and bread and saganaki w lots of lemon 😍 second time we got like an omelette which was average and meatballs which were boring and such a bad choice by me hmm kinda just like eating bread with little accompaniments rather than bigger dishes, cheap place

Went to some place max’s friend recommended that had vinyl records as placemats and we had this amazing soup with ceviche but after that dish it wasn’t as yum it was like a big stir fry type thing and that’s just not really my thing but max really enjoyed it and also some coconut rice thing which again meh I don’t really care but that’s just vegetarian food I’m so meh but also again I am in a state of withdrawal so maybe I’m just pretty anhedonic. We did get a little carafe of wine which was soooooo good and also some digestif after I forget what it was called but similar to ouzo super strong and when we got home I passed out I felt so drunk

We went to Atlantikos this like tourist famous fish restaurant for lunch and it was good yeh idk max was really into it we had squid and it was fine idk I think we ordered badly coz I was jealous looking at some of the other tables

We had giros at o kavourras which was so effing yum

We’ve also had a couple falafel wraps

I keep waking up super early it’s funny coz my sleeping pattern is so fucked up in Melbourne it’s like super normal here I wake up at 7am like 🤩and then have to wait til midday for max to wake up but anyway yeah it’s crazy I’m like early bird here but for some reason I don’t wanna leave the apartment without max I could probs go walk around and get a coffee but I’ve just been chilling on my phone and reading my kindle hmmmm until like 1pm when we leave the apartment , after about 5000 steps im fucking done and Need to rest before I can keep going..

Currently in bed and gonna go back out at some point idk I have these Greek cigarettes I might have one later but only one

Step count:

Wednesday: 12,299

Thursday: 12,719

Friday: 11,367

Saturday: 21,146

Sunday: 5,785

Monday (so far, will update): 8,521

Umm what else I keep having insane nightmares which is disturbing but I’m Hoping it’s just my brain cleansing itself …nd max says I’m grinding my teeth heaps so maybe I’ll get teeth grinding Botox when we get to Istanbul but idk

Lol

Ummm ok that’s all

Oh yeah and I’m obsessed with how easy it is to get thru the metro gates like soo amazing and not scary like they just stay open if u put your hand in front of them unlike the myki gates that feel like they’re gonna fully slam my pelvis

[fapper]

Guys this was my first time trying the famous gelato place in france called Fenocchio i deadass walked like 5 hours today 20k steps my back is in pain anyways I got blackcurrent and raspberry flavors and the raspberry one was good but the blackcurrent.. not for me but its good they had SOOOOOO many flavors i was like wtf is all this THEY HAD A CACTUS FLAVORED ICE CREAM LIKE???? This other place had rose, violet and lavender flavored ice cream that TASTED EXACTLY LIKE WTF THEY SHOULD TASTE LIKE…. This was an amazing solo trip i kept being in disbelief that 1. im here and 2. people actually live here. Like i am so jealous of the ppl who live here i could cry… i sat at the park for a bit listening to some sad songs and almost cried bc of this LMFAO like damn i grew up in the slums and yet here we are, witnessing kids play at ssuch a nice park with nice facilities/ games or whatever outside in such a nice weather like damn yall got it easy fr. ANYWAYS MAN

france is BEAUTIFUL…. Its BEAUITUFL its insanely pretty here i wish i could live here for the rest of my life frfr ALSO I WANT FRENCH DICKQUE BUT THEY DONT WANT ME :((((( jk im celibate but i will be mixing blood FOR SURE

also the way i was like the only asian person walking on the streets most of the time that was scary but i braved it through fr fr. Not a lot of asians here but like, its expected lmao like we are literally in europe

ANYWAYS YALL IT WAS A GREAT DAY also earlier in the day i had russian class and its held in our prof’s airbnb and she had these 2 HUGEEE dogs with her and it was so cute so. We have classes with 2 dogs next to us :D also class was hard wtf fuck russian that language is hard as hell and ive been studying it for 10 yrs now 🙄

YALL IM REALLY HAPPY 🩵 im gonna go back tomorrow again (its an hour walk but its ok it was sooo beautiful… ugh . UGHHHHH WHATEVR

[scattered-winter]

in honor of s6 returning tomorrow, here's a collection of highlights from the 911 annotation doc feat. season 2 finale and tsunami arc (transcript below the cut)

hen sees a chance to make buck’s life living hell and she always takes it <3 older sibling behavior

chim: [hands buck a sledgehammer]

buck: >:D

I FORGOT [maddie] CAME INTO THIS EPISODE <33333

not to be dramatic but if my brother almost walked into the shower with me absolutely ass-cheeked naked i would simply require him to give me financial compensation

buck automatically assumes maddie is talking about eddie when she says someone’s cute

sir. buddy old pal.

press f to pay respects to the new ladder truck that lasts all of like 3 episodes before blowing up

these detectives are stupid as FUCK godbless <3

MADNEY

THEY’RE DISGUSTING. WHEN IS THE WEDDING <3

damn i wish it would rain money where i am rn

a guy comes falling onto a car out of a window and my first thought is “it’s raining men hallelujah”

EUEHHH ITS MAGGOT LADY ALSO

not the hair maggot lady. the other one.

the fact that i have to specify WHICH maggot lady it is. evil.

lmao i forget that. most 15 year olds dont have learner’s permits

i was driving farm equipment when i was 10 so im an outlier i guess

oh my god the hand on buck’s waist

homosexuals

[ID: a close-up screencap of eddie and buck hugging, with eddie's hand on buck's waist and buck's hands on eddie's shoulders. end ID]

do u see this shit mr krabs

[eddie] looks soooooooooooooo slutty in that white shirt oh my god

spiritual successor to the slutty black tank top

WOOOOOO HERE WEGO <333 MOST INSANE FEW EPISODES TO EVER GRACE NATIONAL TELEVISION <33333333333333333

i was a different person before watching the tsunami for the first time btw. after finishing this arc i was a Changed Man.

DO NONE OF THESE PEOPLE KNOW WHAT NO WATER MEANS. Y’ALL LIVE IN LA. YOU SHOULD KNOW.

WHY AREN’T YOU RUNNING

GET THE HELL OUTTA DODGE

GO GO GO GO GO GOG OG GO GOG OG GO GOG GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO

ghlsdkjfskg this guy wanting A Sign … my brother you got a fucking tsunami

poseidon said Fuck this guy

fuck it

au where the greek gods are real

i mean we already know zeus has it out for buck and eddie

it aint much of a stretch <333

LENA <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

i think she and lucy should have met onscreen tbh

or maybe not because the sheer dyke energy would be too powerful for the show to handle

and yes i know this show has a canon lesbian couple. irrelevant <3

ghlskdjg buck’s look of absolute shock after eddie looks him in the eye and says That….bitch me too the fuck

MAN AND [athena] HAS TO AMPUTATE A GUY’S ARM….

major props to her because i could NOT do that

i’d simply say Sorry bro i just. yeah i have a uh. thing. with a guy. i gotta go. bye <3

ghslkdgj [chim] makes a quip as he’s pulling up <333 ofc he does <33333

i fucking love him btw. in case u couldnt tell.

“we’re gonna need a bigger mail truck” the way you just KNOW he’s seen jaws

[starredfishing]

does anybody have any tips on how 2 deal w ppl who have insane time blindness. im going on a trip w a friend and invited her to spend the night bc i know her time blindness is terrible so she wouldnt be ready by the time i needed to pick her up. she was gonna come between 8pm-10pm and its 2 am right now and she still isnt here. i could just leave the door unlocked n let her in but im still packing too 😭 the thing is we r leaving at like 10 am tomorrow and i know ill be able to get up n out the door by then but shes been stuck on a like, 4pm wake up time circadian rhythm so idk if its possible. im so tired. i got 3-4 texts over the course of the night setting her arrival time back another hour and its like. sighs

[stormyoceans]

top 10 most romantic vice versa moments? :)

SFJKSGFKGSKDGJSG SHORT ANSWER WOULD BE ALL OF THEM THEY LITERALLY INVENTED ROMANCE!!!!!! but apparently i like to hurt myself and aim to lose whatever sanity i have left so HERE WE GO I GUESS

1. the kitchen scene in episode 12. most of the time romance isn't actually in the grand public gestures but in the small ones we share every single day in the privacy of our homes and this scene is a perfect example of it like THE BACK HUG. THE CHEEK KISSES EXCHANGE. "WHATEVER COMES FROM YOU IS SO GOOD". PUEN TIGHTENING HIS HOLD AROUND TALAY AND TALAY'S HAND REACHING FOR PUEN'S OWN INSTINCTIVELY. "THANK YOU FOR COMING BACK AND SEARCHING FOR ME. AND THANK YOU FOR TAKING AWAY MY FEAR OF TOMORROW". PUEN'S HANDS ON TALAY'S WAIST. TALAY CUPPING PUEN'S FACE. "I THANK YOU TOO FOR BEING BORN SO THAT I COULD LOVE YOU". THE QUICK KISS AT THE END THAT'S JUST SO CASUAL AND INTIMATE AND SOFT. i've literally never seen two people be more domestic in love and enamored with each other in my entire life im sorry but this is truly peak romance to me!!!!!!

2. the reunion scene in episode 11. romantic scene moment sequence of events of all time OF ALL TIME truly changed the trajectory of my life my outlook my values the very foundations of my personhood i genuinely can't have more than surface level thoughts about this scene or else i'll go insane fr. LOVERS TRASCENDING SPACETIME AND FINDING EACH OTHER AGAIN IN THE SAME PLACE ONE OF THEM FIRST FELL IN LOVE WITH THE OTHER BUT IN A DIFFERENT UNIVERSE IN A DIFFERE BODY!!!!!! “TALAY” BEING THE FIRST WORD OUT OF PUEN’S MOUTH!!!! TALAY BEING SO OVERWHELMED HE CAN’T SAY ANYTHING AT FIRST!!!! “AI’DANG”!!!! THE BONE CRUSHING HUG!!!! "YOU MUST BE VERY TIRED. FROM NOW ON THINGS WILL BE OKAY"!!!! THE WIFE TEASING BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHO THEY ARE BICKERING BANTERING NERDS ABSOLUTELY SMITTEN FOR EACH OTHER!!!! THE HEARTACHE THE LONGING THE REALIZATION THE RELIEF THE COMFORT THE TENDERNESS THE UNDERSTANDING THE JOY THE LOVE!!!!!! losing my mind my marbles my capacity for rational thought and my grasp on reality

3. the hat scene in episode 9. doctor jimmy fucking pay my therapy bills and answer for your crimes in a court of law i watched this scene 9373828 times but also i can't look directly at it because i'll implode instantaneously. he really was out there that day making the most choices looking awestruck to the point of reverence and giving so much adoration tenderness wonder devotion LOVE!!!!! AND IF PUEN'S REALIZATION OF WHO TALAY IS WASN'T ALREADY THE MOST DERANGED EMOTIONALLY CHARGED INSANE SHIT EVER PUT TO FILM THEY ALSO GAVE US ANOTHER CONFESSION!!!!! "NO MATTER WHAT WILL HAPPEN, ALL I WANT IS FOR US TO REUNITE"!!!!! "I THINK I AM FALLING FOR YOU"!!!!! "CAN'T YOU TELL? IM FALLING FOR YOU TOO"!!!!! LIKE NOT ALL OF THIS ON TOP OF THE SOULMATISM THING PLEASE IM ALREADY ON THE FLOOR WAILING STOPPPPP KICKING ME WHEN IM DOWN

4. the post reunion scene in episode 11. so you get the reunion scene and are now agonizing on the floor partaking in fits of female hysteria trying to get a hold on yourself but hey, you think, at least that's the most romance they're gonna give in an episode, right? you're safe.... right???? FOOL!!!!!! YOU'RE NEVER SAFE IN THIS SHOW!!!!!! and what's more devastatingly romantic than puentalay just being puen and talay and talking about their feelings like THE RETURN OF "DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THOSE 43.200 MINUTES I WAITED FOR YOU FELT LIKE"????? "IT WAS NO DIFFERENT FOR ME. BECAUSE FOR ME IT WAS 2.592.000 SECONDS I WAITED FOR YOU"????? "IM SO HAPPY"????? PUEN FIXING TALAY'S HAIR????? THE FOREHEAD KISS????? "DOES IT STILL FEEL LIKE A DREAM? OR DO YOU WANT ME TO DO MORE"????? THE HAND HOLDING????? "PROMISE ME YOU WON'T LEAVE ME AGAIN"????? "I WON'T LEAVE YOU AGAIN. I PROMISE"????? THE KISS????? anyway i'll be clinically dead for up to three business days do not contact me im becoming one with the soil

5. the greyllery confession in episode 8. look i know im biased but if you don't think this is one of the most romantic confession scenes in the history of television you're just lying to yourself. THE FACT THAT IT HAPPENS WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE OUT TO EMPHASIZE THAT THEIR FEELINGS AREN'T ABOUT THE BODIES THEY INHABIT BUT ABOUT WHO THEY ARE????? TALAY CUPPING PUEN'S FACE AS IF HE'S HOLDING THE MOST PRECIOUS THING IN THE WORLD IN HIS HANDS????? "I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN YOUR REAL FACE YET I LIKE YOU"????? PUEN BEING SO OVERWHELMED WITH EMOTIONS HE NEEDS TO GRAB TALAY'S WRIST TO GROUND HIMSELF????? TALAY REPEATING "I LIKE YOU" 4 TIMES????? "I LIKE YOU TOO. I LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU"????? THE KISS????? THE TEAR FALLING DOWN PUEN'S CHEEK?????? i need to be institutionalized rn

6. the hourglass scene in episode 12. i guess puen declaring his feelings for talay to the world would be the easiest choice here, but it's in the quiet moments just between the two of them where i always feel my heart swelling and overflowing with emotions. AND WHAT A MOMENT THIS ONE IS!!!!!! "i didn't need to look at it (the moon) and imagine your face anymore"!!!!!! "i don't want to leave you"!!!!!! THE HOURGLASS WITH THE SAND THAT DOESN'T FALL!!!!!! "I DON'T WANT TIME TO GO BY WITHOUT YOU FROM NOW ON"!!!!!! TALAY HUGGING PUEN FIRST!!!!!! PUEN STROKING THE BACK OF TALAY'S HEAD!!!!!! "FROM THIS MOMENT ON IT'S YOU AND ME. TALAY AND PUEN"!!!!!! MORE HUGGING AND HEAD STROKING!!!!!! CITY PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND!!!!!! friends im not gonna lie. im on the verge

7. nivea bathtub scene my beloved in episode 3. im physically incapable of watching this scene without giggling twirling my hair kicking my feet pausing and screaming into a pillow. THE WAY TALAY LOOKS AT PUEN JUST RELAXING IN THE BATHTUB WITH HIS EYES CLOSED AND DECIDES TO CLEAN HIS FACE AND DOES THAT SO GENTLY AND INTENTLY????? THE WAY PUEN BRUSHES THE COTTON PAD ON TALAY'S CHEST AND SAYS "IF THIS CAN BE USED TO WIPE AWAY DUST, I SHOULD USE IT WITH YOUR HEART. I THINK YOUR HEART HASN'T BEEN USED IN A LONG TIME"????? and i always praise jimmy for his insane ability of expressing so many emotions through his eyes alone but sea is honestly just as good THE WAY TALAY'S EYES LOOK SO BIG AND DEEP AND INNOCENT AND VULNERABLE IN THIS SCENE AND HE CAN'T HOLD PUEN'S GAZE FOR TOO LONG????? the tension the yearning the electricity THE ROMANCE

8. the first bed scene in episode 6. talay admitting out loud everything he missed about puen while puen is asleep!!!! just because he feels like saying it!!!! and all of those things being intrinsically PUEN!!!!! "I MISSED YOUR ANNOYANCE, YOUR SHYNESS, YOUR NICE SINGING VOICE, YOUR CARE, AND LASTLY JUST YOU"!!!!!! HE BASICALLY CONFESSED RIGHT THEN AND THERE AND DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT!!!!! AND THEN PUEN WAKES UP AND SAYS ONE OF THE MOST RIDICULOUS FLIRTY LINES I'VE EVER HEARD AND I RESENT THE FACT THAT I LIKE IT SO MUCH. thank god talay didn't get it but also i wish he did because "i like the sound of the sea" LIKE PUEN REALLY SAID HE LIKES THE SOUND OF TALAY AND SOMEHOW THAT MAKES /ME/ BLUSH????? and then they decided to make things even more disgustingly romantic by having PUEN GIVING TALAY AN EAR MASSAGE TO HELP HIM FALL ASLEEP????? is my mental health a joke to these people

9. the missing you scene in episode 6. TALAY LITERALLY POWER WALKED TO TUN'S PARENTS' HOUSE JUST SO HE COULD SERENADE PUEN AND TELL HIM HE MISSED HIM AFTER NINE DAYS OF NOT SEEING EACH OTHER. and that's pretty romantic as it is, right??? you'd really think that would be more than enough to get the point across, but since no one in this show seems to be satisfied if they don't make any scene as deranged as possible, we have TALAY LOOKING STRAIGHT INTO PUEN'S EYES WHILE SINGING "OH DEAR LOVE, I LOVE YOU". WE HAVE THE OG "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG 12.960 MINUTES I WAITED FOR YOU FELT LIKE?" "I KNOW. BECAUSE FOR ME IT WAS 777.600 SECONDS THAT I SPENT MISSING YOU LIKE CRAZY TOO". WE HAVE THEIR FIRST REAL HUG. honestly everyone involved in this show should be in JAIL

10. the helmet scene in episode 3. there are romantic puentalay moments that actually make me tear up from the sheer immensity of their feelings for each other and then there are romantic puentalay moments THAT HAVE ME GAGGING ON THE SIDE BECAUSE PEOPLE IN LOVE STINKS!!!!!! this scene definitely belongs to the latter group like PUEN GLUED TALAY'S HELMET SO WHEN TALAY FINALLY GOT IT OFF HE COULD READ THE WORDS WRITTEN ON THE BACK!!!!!! TALAY LITERALLY HAD THE SAME THOUGHT AND WROTE ON THE BACK OF PUEN'S HELMET TOO!!!!!! "THE ONE WEARING THIS IS CUTE" AND "YOU'RE SO GREAT"!!!!!!! and even before we got to that they were just standing there saying stuff like "im so lucky to have you"!!!!!! "im also glad i have you"!!!!!! "i'll live tun's life to the fullest. to the best. with you"!!!!!! THE PINKY PROMISE!!!!!! I HATE THEM ACTUALLY THEY'RE INSUFFERABLE

[videostak]

so sick of having my entire life being dictated by having to accommodate for other ppl who then go to shit on my life even more. like having to watch the doors anytime my dad is in the house having my mom keep every1 up thru out the night and acting oblivious to how someones sleep schedule is affected by the sounds of food being made in a microwave at 12 am or hearing 2hour long drunken phone calls from her room to the hallway to the bathroom to the kitchen etc and having in general let ppl know beforehand what i have planned for a day just so they can reveal that they were never even listening to what i told them or just straight up did not care and do their own random impuse thing that i then have to build my schedule around . like fuuuuuck you. only word on the tip of my tongue atm. genuinely no reason to try to be cooperative or understanding if they dont even ATTEMPT to do the same. i mean atleast i get to sleep in but thats only after they come back at like 1 or 2am. and forget abt me my sister literally works at 10 2mrw and has to get up early to get ready and my mom just shat on that despite my sister telling her immediately she brought up the idea of going somewhere for drinks. i feel so sorry for my cousin who like tries her hardest to be nice or like a inbetween ground just to have my mom creepily vent to her and overall make her feel extremely uncomfortable telling her rly in depth stories and secrets abt ppl who told my mom personal stuff in confidence not thinking my mom would immediately tell absolutely any1 the moment she felt the need to have a conversation. am p sure shes drunk rn cause she sounded very drunk and is just being v loud rn so like im sure she got drunk and then wanted to go to a bar to drink more and not have to worry abt getting caught. :| i mean idk if shell take my sister to work tomorrow but if she is too fucked up too then i guess ill just have to take her. but rly just insanely annoying shit. she refuses to go to therapy or somewhere where u address being dependent on alcohol so i think the only real tangible solution atm is to just give my all to cleaning out her room and then just monitor her like a hospital patient constantly. for the foreseeable future. its hard cause she spends all her time in her room and gets mad when i try to clean it and then my dad gets mad at me when i dont clean it and then when i do clean it my dad gets mad that we dont have any space for half the shit in her room or if we do idk where it goes cause im not even a very good cleaner its just 99% of the stuff falls on me cause no one else does it consistently. so like i just go back and forth at them both giving me shit so fuck everything huh. not in an awful bleak mood but regardless things on both fronts are v bleak. guess im not in an awful mood cause worst case scenario tomorrow i drive my sister to work which gives me more chance to drive and im rly rly looking forward to practicing in my actual manual car... cause its so pretty. so like im not at the end of my rope quite yet and dont think things will get super bleak. worst thing is me losing my job but dont think thats gonna happen quite about yet. and if it does ill atleast have the ability to drive places. so i cant say i didnt grow in some way

[gladiolidiaries]

quackity priv tweets talking about content/his english audience

12/22/22: im feeling under the weather guys no driving stream i am sorry :(

12/20/22: ME AND F**LISH (FOOLISH) ARE GOING ON A DRIVING DATE TOMORROW AND IM STREAMING IT (DONT TELL HIM ITS A DATE)))(

12/7/22: Want to take the time to thank all the English speaking viewers who take the time to learn o try to learn the Spanish language to understand some of the content. It’s the coolest and cutest thing ever. Don’t worry to those who don’t anyway, lots of HUGE stuff coming for yall

10/19/22: I’m genuinely upset that throughout my career I’ve been seen as a horrible cook for all the silly little cooking streams I’ve done, when I OBVIOUSLY am not that shit at cooking. On Saturday I’ll do an actual serious cooking stream to prove all of you wrong because I’m sick of it

10/11/22: thank u guys for being so sweet and so nice to me at twitchcon. had a blast meeting every single one of you, both from my English speaking and Spanish speaking community i will proceed to yell from happiness AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

9/25/22: DOING A SHORT SPANISH STREAM THEN DOING THE $5k CLOTHES STREAM RIGHT AFTER ❤️

9/22/22: FUN STWEAM THIS WEEKEND

9/17/22: i'm going through so much footage and so many scripts that explain SO much. I wrote all the scene contexts with such depth, this is gonna be amazing

9/15/22: In one of the upcoming days I’ll be doing a FULL ON behind the scenes stream of ALL the Las Nevadas footage/scripts/images/bloopers I’ve obtained throughout almost 2 years of DSMP. :)

9/12/22: I WANNA DO A DRIVING STREAM AGAIN SO BAD

9/7/22: IM SO FUCKING NERVOUS THIS NEXT LORE STREAM IS A LITERAL MOVIE IM GETTING SHAKY JUST EDITING IT I CANT BELIEVE WHAT IM LOOKING AT OMFG. AND YALL KNOW I DONT OVERHYPE WHERE THERE IS NO HYPE THIS IS FUCKING THE GREATEST THING EVER; LORE STREAM TIME WILL BE ANNOUNCED TOMORROW

9/2/22: BIG ANNOUNCEMENT TODAY

8/25/22: i cant believe how fucking crazy this whole lore is ending up looking like lol

8/13/22: Despite it being short, had so much fucking fun with this stream can’t wait to do it again soon. Love and appreciate u guys so much

8/12/22: MAIN CHANNEL VIDEO OUT TOMORROW (SATURDAY) DRIVING STREAM TOMORROW (SATURDAY) ALSO OPENING THIS ACCOUNT RIGHT NOW

8/11/22: BIG VIDEO BIG STREAM BIG LORE THE DELIVERY DATE ON ALL OF THESE IS VERY APPROXIMATE IN TIME

7/30/22: I just hit a million subscribers on my Spanish channel and I cannot thank you guys enough for everything. Iwouldn’t be able to do this in Spanish if not for the insane support my English community has brought me throughout the years. Love and appreciate you all so much ❤️; It may not seem out of the ordinary but being able to do all this in Spanish as well has been a dream I’ve had since I was a kid. I feel so blessed to have TWO amazing communities. Cant wait to bring a lot more incredible content to everyone!!!!

7/27/22: miss u guys!!

6/26/22: I REALLY MEAN IT WHEN I SAY I LOVE AND APPRECIATE YOU GUYS SO MUCH ❤️; I feel so emotional, a few days ago I got to stand inside the boxing ring of the BIGGEST ever Twitch event ever made in history with many of my Spanish friends. You guys have given me these opportunities and I’m so fucking grateful to have TWO massive and supportive communities!

6/15/22: For the next 3 days (or less) I’m participating in a huge Spanish Minecraft event on my alt Twitch channel :-) Super appreciative of those who come and support the streams despite not knowing Spanish. In one of these days I’ll raid into my main and do an English stream btw ^_^

4/11/22: MY VIDEO IS NEARLY FINISHED SO MANY BIG THINGS COMING IM SO EXCITED I LOVE U ALL I CANT WAIT

4/2/22: Hey guys, sorry for the lack of activity recently. I’ve been working hard on literally my favorite fucking video of all time. I say this for each video I make and I mean it every time. It’s coming out soon and im so fucking excited for you guys to see. Big fucking plans ahead ily

3/20/22: i remember after working on my last lore stream every day from morning to night for a month, i remember the morning after the stream, i woke up at 5AM and i literally just went to the beach and sat there for an hour it was so nice. im so happy to see everyone getting the merch; i have so many projects in the works and i can’t wait to replicate this feeling many more times in my life

3/9/22: I just filmed the most incredible video I think I’ve ever done in my career. I’m so fucking happy for these opportunities. Love you all I’m so excited to show you

2/24/22: AHHHHHHH school has been super difficult on me recently but i have so many projects on standby ready to go!!! thank you guys so much for the patience i promise theres some really big stuff for you all soon!!!!

2/21/22: STREAMS BACK IN FULL FORCE SOON 😈😈😈 HAVE A BUNCHA COOL THINGS PLANNED BUT ID STILL LOVE 2 KNOW WHAT U GUYS WANNA SEE

2/12/22: i miss you guys. ive been incredibly busy but working some incredible fucking stuff. i feel excited and very blessed

oh thanks for sending that. i think deep down he probably wants to shift to Spanish only but knows that a big % of people are attached to his english content so he keeps trying to say that things are coming

[eygiess]

ok long post buckle up gang

gonna sleep on it and do another listen tomorrow but…first thought best thought

- tbh it took me til track 5 to really get into the album, but i liked the title track a lot!! it feels like a sprawling narrative song and i Love when music does that

- so long london/but daddy i love him: idk y these feel like a duo to me but they do. SLL had a BEAUTIFUL sound, BDILH had amazing lyrics, i was swept away

- florida!!! i want to sing this in the car speeding down the highway. didn’t think i’d like it but i was sold by the end

- “no such thing as bad thoughts/only your actions talk” from guilty as sin?,,, she just like me fr!

also “I CHOOSE YOU AND ME RELIGIOUSLY” SHUT UP RELIGIOUS METAPHORS R MY THINGGGG

- who’s afraid of little old me……..i am going insane. INSANE. if i heard this is high school i would have lost my MIND.

i was underwhelmed and then i was FUCKING SOLD. “i was tame, i was gentle, til the circus life made me mean”?????? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE NORMAL NOW

- i can fix him: OOOOOUGH “he had a halo of the highest grade he just hadn’t met me yet” T A Y L O R STOP YELLING SO LOUD!!!

- loml: new year’s day piano moment. kill me “blew in with the winds of fate and told me i reformed you” fuckin OUCH.

- i can do it with a broken heart- oh this sound has Bleachers all over it, i LIKE IT! this slaps sonically but the lyrics are so sad and that is my favorite!!

he said! he loved! me for! all time! A BANGER.

- the smallest man: FUCK. this is the doomed toxic situationship song i dont make the rules. ouch my EMOTIONS. the SIGHING. THE BRIDGE??????? THE BR I D G E YOU GUYS

- the alchemy: low notes LOW NOTES OOOO.

“heroin but this time with an e”,,, cheesy but im sort of here for it

ending the song with the first lyrics!!!! YES!!!

- clara bow: knew this would hurt me from the opening guitar and i was right

i want to write a thesis on this song and how it feels like the Perfect album closer to me

also like it wraps up the album so well- it’s all on her thoughts about fame and the cost of that, and the whole album is both a love story and something that shows how fame/“glory” etc can change someone and affect them emotionally

but im tired so that will come later

very good 10/10, head full of thoughts

[charlotteiscrying]

you turned my entire existence into waiting. i was your rapunzel, sitting here 3,000 miles away from you, locked inside my own prison since im not allowed to leave the state since im on probation. “if you love me, when i come back, you’ll still be waiting for me. i might come back tomorrow. maybe next year. maybe 10 years from now. if you love me, you’ll wait. n you won’t complain.”

do you not see how manipulative that is ? how straight damaging that is ? i couldn’t see it was manipulation. i had to experience it, i had to feel how it felt when i caught you cheating on me. i had to feel how it felt when i realized i was waiting for a man who was never going to come back for me. i had to feel how it felt when you told me “i just moved on.” you just moved on, meanwhile you forgot you had locked your rapunzel in her castle, n you left with the key.

you told me i hallucinated us. you told me you broke up w me that day you left for rehab. i just hallunicated us. and you just moved on. seems so simple when it’s phrased like that. it’s been a couple months now, it genuinely feels like i hallucinated your very existence on this planet. my brain has blacked you out more than any other part of my life. i rememeber more from the day my dad died than i do from the day you said “i just moved on.”

there’s so many parts of my brain that you caught onto before even i did. you used to call me autistic. “you just have a lil touch of the tism.” you know, i am autistic ? i didn’t know that. you obviously picked up on that. you chose to hide behind my misperceptions, my unknowing, behind my “insanity,” to make me seem like the problem. to never once take accountability for anything. to blame everything on me. to make it all my fault. to make me calm down n stop trying to piece those pieces together that you so desperately needed me to keep separate.

you knew you didn’t love me bc you don’t treat someone you love how you treated me. i know i didn’t love you. i loved the idea of you that you placed in my head. the nate in my head and the nate in my reality were always two different men.

i don’t think you understand the lasting damage you’ve done to my brain. i will never be able to date again. to trust again. to be vulnerable again. to even let my guard down the 1% it takes to be able to be intimate with another human. to trust my friend. to believe it when my mom says “i’ll pick you up at 8.” i will never be able to be with a man again. sexually, romantically, anything. you’ve ruined the entire male species for me. i really don’t think im ever even gonna be able to be with a girl sexually, or romantically, ever again. you’ve taken my ability to be with another human being away. even my friends, it’s not the same. i don’t, i can’t, trust that any sentence anybody says is true. you’ve damned me to a life locked up in my castle that my brain has built to protect me from everyone else. every aspect of my life could not be more different than what it was when you n i were together, yet im still condemned to the exact same fate.

before i was locked up in this castle by you, now im locked up in this castle because of you. it feels the fucking same. i miss people. i miss those feelings. but they just are not worth all this aftershock. maybe one day i will want to come out my castle. but even then, things will not be the same. i will never be able to be vulnerable again.

[youretooclosetome]

01/14

i ate today! for once, in the past week, i ate a full lunch. it made me feel sick still, and so did dinner, but for once in this week, i ate. small steps are what counts right?

b told me to block him if i want some space. i dont wanna do that. its not that i still like him, or that i think he cares about me, its that i cant bring myself to cut him out of my life, even if i need it. its just not doable. i wished i could. its such a weird feeling. i keep waking up feeling sick and anxious, like im gonna puke my heart out or my stomach is going to explode from how sick it feels. i still dont know whats causing this. is it him? am i unconsciously still thinking about him? is that why my body keeps doing this to me? as a warning sign, as a way to tell me to stay away from him? its making me more and more tired.

speaking of him, we talked today. again. a lot. at least more than usual. he sent me a picture of his cat! i love that cat. what a cutie. im honestly surprised we talked so much. im honestly wondering what i really am to him. its odd. hes acting odd. hes focused on work and wanting to work, which is insanely off character for him, but hey, if he found his motivation. at least one of us did. i sound like a jackass. "he wants to work which is insanely off character for him". who the fuck says that?? i guess i do. its fine tho. this is like my own private little diary, so i dont have to worry about him finding this. the fact he continues talking to me makes my head spin. not in a good way, in a scared way. maybe he does want us to stay friends but i have this odd feeling thats not all. i dont want him to hurt me again.

b asked me out for valentines. i told him no. tecnically i curved him with a "im going out with my best friend no", which is even worse. i didnt even understand what he meant first, i thought he was talking about the 15th. im such a big fucking dumbass, jesus. unfortunately, i dont intend on going out with him or trying anything beyond friendship with him. hes not... my type. not in a mean way!! just in a, i cant see him become anything besides my friend, way. its mean. i know its mean. but whos kidding? i curved him with that yet im betting with myself, right here and right now, 20 bucks that im inviting HIM out for that day. i know myself. unless im looking at someone else, i know exactly who id go out with on valentines. im such a sad person.

im not as tired as yesterday. i mean, im still tired but i slept a little better tonight. i still cant stare at my own face in the mirror unless i cake on 10 pounds of makeup. im gonna have to do that if i wanna go to class on tuesday. i dont wanna go at all. i dont wanna present and i sure as hell dont wanna see anyone. not even my best friends. i mean, how lame is that on my side? these are the people who are always by my side yet im sitting here saying i dont wanna see them. im a terrible person.

im winning a bid on a paperback copy of my absolute favorite book. im genuinely so excited to get it. i hope i get it. maybe thats the underlying reason of why im staying home tomorrow. just so i can guarantee this book. its stupid, but its my favorite book. i love it. i guess thats a reason for sticking around a little longer, just so i can hold it and read the words with my own two eyes. im weirdly excited for it.

i finished carrie. i liked the book. i didnt expect it to be so explicit and so odd, but its my first stephen king book so... ive heard some pretty insane things from his other books. i wanna watch the movie aswell, just to see how different both are.

<( _ _ )>