#im gonna cry if this gets no notes i spent SO LONG ON THE SKETCH LMAO

[purble-markers]

the yearning rlly jumped out w this one

[infinite-hearts-333]

Broken pack, Broken wolf

Sander sides, Analogical (Eventually), Logan Angst, Werewolf AU

WARNING: really bad writing, angsty, lack of sleep and starvation, homophobia, swearing, I'll add to this-

Before 

Part 7- Can you fix what’s broken?

Logan spent around 5 hours fast asleep, draped across Virgil's form. He was like a giant puppy!!! Virgil was currently sitting cross legged in Logan's den thing, writing. Logan was curled into an impossible tight ball in Virgil's lap, and somehow fitted, despite being taller than the anxious side.

Virgil everyone in a while would look down to stare at Logan, and his glances switched from soft, happy and gentle, to curious, excited and pleased. He had summoned a new notebook, a dark purple covered one with stars and a wolf on the cover and began furiously scribbling down notes and sketching pictures. His non-dominant hand remained softly stroking Logan's perked left ear. Virgil didn't notice Logan awaking, sluggishly shifting and mumbling, eyes flickering under heavy eyelids. "V...virgil?" Rumbled Logan willing his eyes to open, his long tail to uncurl from around Virgil and stretch, flicking back and forth.

"Morning sleepy head. How... how do you feel?" Virgil asked softly, quickly placing the book down to focus on Logan. "Tired.... Somehow...." Huffed Logan, slightly pouting. Virgil chuckled, brushing Logan's midnight black hair out of his eyes. "Pat made soup for you." Virgil offered, helping the other into a sitting position who made no effort to reclaim their pride, slumping against virgil, head resting on virgil's shoulder and made a low loud groan. "Im not hungyyyyyy." whined Logan.

"Lo, you're skinny as a twig, you're eating something. There's no arguing." Virgil said firmly, scooping up the container of soup that Patton had dropped off not that long ago, popping the lid off, allowing steam to rise from the beverage. Logan whined, and tried to hide away from virgil, which didn't really work, given he hid using virgil. "Do i have to?" Whined Logan, trying to hide under Virgil's arm. "Yes, now, face me I'll help you, but if you be a big baby I might spill some on you. So sit up."

Logan made a low growling noise, and pulled himself off Virgil to turn around in his lap so he could still lean against Virgil. Virgil smiled lightly, and gently nuzzled the others' hair before dipping the spoon into the soup and lifting it up to Logan's lips. Logan quietly stared at it for a bit, tilting his head a little and Virgil realised he was sniffing it. Logan made a small huff after a while and opened his mouth, teeth clicking on the metal as he closed his mouth.

Virgil found himself staring at logan's lips as they moved, his cheeks unnoticeably becoming a scarlet red. He imagined what it would be like to rub his thumb over the bottom lip, to lightly press his own lips against them, to gently bite them and roll them between his teeth. Virgil silently groaned, donking his head against the back of Logan's neck. He was a hot mess. "Virgil?" Logan's voice was a lot clearer than before, more smooth and silky unlike the thick ruffness from just waking up. "Are you alright?"

"Yep. Peachy. Just, peachy." grumbled Virgil, refocusing on feeding logan. By half way Logan began to refuse. "I'm sorry... i just can't... or i might throw it up..." Virgil softly sighed. "You're not gonna get better unless you eat more. Just... a little bit more? For me?" Logan mumbled something that Virgil didn't pick up and continued to eat the soup. Virgil smiled, pausing to lightly pet logan's ears. "Thank you." Virgil didn't comment that Logan's tail began to furiously wag.

After a few more spoonfuls, Logan leaned back tucking his head back into the nook of Virgil's neck. "No more....." he mumbled. Virgil softly smiled. "Okay, you did such a good job." Logan was right there it would be so easy to just tilt his head up and kiss him. But he didn't. He couldn't. Cause.... That would be weird, and Logan probably wouldn't like it and he would hate him, oh god what if he already hates him, should he leave??? Would Logan prefer that-

"Virgil. You're pulling your panicked face again." Logan said softly. Virgil blinked, being slapped back into reality by Logan's soft velvet-like voice. (God bless Logan, Virgil could and would listen to the werewolve's voice all day and night if he could-) Virgil had come to realise that Logan had turned back around in virgil's lap, his arms draped over Virgil's shoulders and head resting on the start of his chest. Hickity heckity Logan was much closer than before, practically an inch away. Why, god why, in the name of gay jeusus must Virgil be tormented like this?!?!

Logan softly smiled, and nuzzled Virgil's chest, his eyes closing as he mumbled some soft gibberish under his breath. Virgil took that time to calm his poor gay heart, collect himself, and then carefully begin to neatly put away the soup for later, and then lightly combed a hand through logans tail. Which- virgil will add- was wagging happily, and it was so darn cute.

"Um... hey Lo?" Virgil asked softly. "Mhm?" hummed logan, pressing his face right into virgil neck and oh god why-

"Um-" Virgil had to cough to clear his throat so it wouldn’t jump an octave. "I was wondering if it was okay if i asked you about your species? Only if you're okay with it of course, I'm just really curious!" He quickly added.

Logan was quiet for a few minutes, pondering mostly likely, but virgil panicked internally, thinking he had done something wrong or offended him.

"Sure." he mumbled, going back to snuggling into virgil. Virgil swallowed thickly, grabbing onto the book he had been using to scribble done notes on werewolves in. "Ummmmm so, is your diet the same as a humans? Or are you more carnivores?"

Logan hummed, and virgil could feel his ears flicking as he thought about it. "A little more carnivores? Like I can eat raw meat no problem.... And some plants make werewolves sick."

Virgil began furiously scribbling the notes. "Okay... okay.... Are you fixated on one spot in a territory?"

Logan snorted, as if the idea was ridiculous. "No. P.... Packs move around between seasons, so food sources are never rare."

Virgil hummed, intrigued by the knowledge. "Um... touchy subject, sorry... but how do your packs work?"

Logan winced, taking a few seconds to swallow before answering. Virgil picked up on how his tail stopped moving and that Logan's grip tightened a tad. "Well.... My pack was a bit..." he chuckled, "Peculiar. Most of us left our birth pack, were kicked out, got separated or never had one to begin with."

"Oh yeesh.... Sorry lo." Virgil winced. Nice going idiot.

"It's fine, we had each other." Logan hummed. "Well, you start off in your birth pack, which is the pack your parents are in. By your 10 blue moon you must have decided to either stay in your birth pack or leave to make or join a new one."

"And you chose to leave?" Virgil asked scribbling down the words in a glittery purple pen.

"Mhm. my birth pack Alpha was homophobic, so i left. My parents supported me and helped me pack and get organised. They were the best." It was hard to see Logan's face, but Virgil could tell he was smiling.

"F*ck homophobic Alphas." Huffed Virgil. "F*ck homophobia in general." logan snorted.

"The first i was Empero. Her birth pack was genetically changed via artificial selection for the usage of humans." Logan continued, and virgil flipped to a new page, writing down this as well. He wanted to help logan any way possible, so knowledge about his pack may help.

"She was my Alpha, and I was the Beta.'' Virgil could practically hear the fond smile in Logan's voice. "Beta?" questioned Virgil. "Second in command. So when Empero cant take charge, the pack's responsibility falls to me. After Empero, we met Hazel. Hazel is a little ball of energy I swear to Artemis- she was separated from her birth pack by a flood. Then Dusk, they were kicked out because of how they spoke and thought. And then we found Jackson. Or really, Dusk found Jackson. He was kept in captivity for the sick desire of humans. They wounded him till he lost an arm, and if he ever did escape he wouldn't be accepted by normal packs. So Empero took him in."

"Whoa...." mumbled Virgil. "Your packs' been through a lot...."

Logan let out a bitter laugh that stung virgil even though it wasn't aimed at him. "Yer... they have. They were the best pack I could have ever asked for."

There was an awkward pause. "You know Lo... it's okay to miss them." virgil said softly, putting down his book to lightly rub circles on Logans back. Logan made a soft sad noise, and his grip tightened more, and in the corner of Virgil's eye he could see Logan's ears drop, laying flat on his head. "Is it?" he asked in the softest of voices.

"Of course. They were your family. Nothing's gonna change that. It's okay to miss them." virgil said softly, noticing how Logan slightly shivered when virgil pressed on his higher back.

"Is.... am I allowed to cry?" Logan's voice was even softer, more fragile. "Of course." Virgil said immediately, giving Logan's shoulder a little squeeze with his free hand. "Oh... okay then..." Logan's voice cracked at the end.

Virgil continued to rub circles on Logan's back, muttering small 'thats it' and 'it's okay' and 'i'm here' as Logan started to cry. He was silent, no sobbing or gasping for breath, just tears streaming down his face, soaking into virgil's shoulder. "I m-miss them..." Logan whimpered.

"I know Lo...... I know..."

??????

[ursoself-satisfying]

do you think eugene is maybe scared of long boat trips? i was thinking about it the other day, maybe he plans on going on holiday with his s/o and the only way to go abroad would be on a boat right? but maybe he would get a little (a lot? im not an expert on this) ptsd while being on the boat and his s/o supporting him but not fully understanding because lets be honest, no-one apart from the soldiers fully understand this sort of stuff, and maybe there's another veteran on-board who helps him?

Before we get into it I wanna say I totally agree n that unless u actually have experienced that ur rly not gonna understand what the person is going thru n this applies to all kinds of trauma but just bc u dont understand doesnt mean u cant do ur best to or that u cant still love support n help them handle it n it doesnt mean they're not gr8tful for ur involvement even if u dont understand,, writing for post war eugene is always tricky cus I dont wanna assume ik how any of this goes or the extent of what it entails i havent done this I've barely done any research its heartbreaking tho n unfair n I just wanted to say all that before u get into this cus it's a combo of both asks but also more of a touchy subject than I feel like I've addressed here so that's just a heads up but enjoy!!

Omg eugene my bby

I def think hes still afraid of boats big time,, so when the two of u decide to go abroad for ur honeymoon it's a big decision for u two to make one w lots of beforehand discussions n considering all ur other options but in the end the push of ur families n the pull of the convenience of a boat eases u both into the decision, even tho nothing about it u kno is going to be easy,, Eugene is p nervous cus I mean the nightmares have lessened n u both have been learning how to handle his flashbacks n the like but u had never tried anything like this yet so on one hand it could be a good time to test the waters but on the other hand neither of u have any idea how itll actually go

Even just in the car on the way there he starts to get shakey n then on the dock it gets a bit worse but ur hands r on him somehow the whole time either locked in his or on his leg or arm or stuck in his pocket n that comforts him, ur touch anchors him n keeps him from drifting to worse thoughts it keeps him thinking about u instead,, its till hard tho just thinking about it being back on that boat forcing himself to remember hes going to France n it's not occupied n hes not alone n hes going to get to see the sights w his wonderful wife n thoroughly enjoy those bright French mornings n that it's going to be quiet, no more bombs or raids or alarms just u n him under thin sheets hot n sticky n just together n safe

But first,, the boat

On the boat? It was rough,, every bit of turbulence n every odd sway made him anxious n as much as u tried to entice him to enjoy more of the boats activities like a cabaret show or even just playing some chess out on the deck n tho u could get him out a few times n he did enjoy himself,, he spent most of his time in the cabin trying to ignore the fact he was on a boat at all,, the rest of his time not being coaxed out by u he spent napping in a deck chair w u often lounging beside him n watching over his sleep carefully, also making sure he didnt burn n lathering her exposed skin in sunblock as much as u could as he slept

U two kept busy in the cabin tho I mean it was ur honeymoon after all ;;;))) so he ravaged u as often as he could bc not only were u a comfort but also a distraction,, u did other things as well tho like laying n listening to ur favourite radio shows or playing guitar to him or sketching him or dancing together or once even doing a silly little fashion show where he def tripped after putting on ur heels

He did have a few attacks tho but u had prepared as best u could n even if some of ur cabin took a beating in an outburst u had always managed to talk him down n he spent a lot of time in ur arms

His breakdowns btw would come suddenly when something would trigger him like a sudden movement or a splash against ur window n then he would get angry n scared n become protective of u until his aggression bubbled over into hot tears drowned out by ur soft words of confirmation trying to tell him u were on a modest cruise liner n u were going to Europe n that the guns n the bombs n the tropical climate were all far away n u would pull him into a cold shower w u n he would often (fuck u hard first then) just cling to u n cry until he could calm down n fall asleep n if he stirred in his sleep u would repeat the process until he could sleep soundly

He was gr8tful to finally be off the boat n back on land tho n once in Paris the two of u could rly enjoy ur honeymoon beginning w breaking in ur hotel bed ;;;)))

But then the two of u got to see the Eiffel Tower n the Seine n the Louvre n Notre dame n it was all so amazing!!!! U spent half the time w ur head in ur sketchbook n he spent all his time taking photos of u w ur head in ur sketchbook lol

The photos were brilliant n sweet n excessive n there were def a few of u bare n freshly fucked (pardon my french) w the Parisian skyline out the window behind u, the morning like shining thru ur messy hair like a halo,, but there were also many of him from the perspective of u kneeling over him n many more of both of u playfully holding up the tower or picnicking in front of a cathedral w u plucking at ur guitar or him w a bottle of wine at his lips

It was all v picturesque n romantic n perfect n u thought he deserved nothing less n he thought the same for u ::""))

U spent about 4 weeks there together n he had throughly used his time to fuck u in every way possible n use every toy u brought with but then it was suddenly time to go home n u were concerned about eugene being back on the boat but he seemed less nervous when u got on n he admitted to feeling a lot better after the first trip n this time he actually went out w u n u played board games w other passengers n danced in the halls n sang w the cabaret n he still sunbathed n napped n made love to u n wrecked ur cabin n u still listened to all ur radio shows n drew n sang but ur lives felt more full somehow after this experience

Oh n u def showed off everything u had bought is Paris n as much as he loved that silk dress on u he loved peeling it off u even more ;;;)))

He rly did feel better when u were finally home to ur little cottage for the first time together as a globetrotting married couple ::"")) he felt better that he hadnt handled it nearly as bad as hed expected n urs n his trip abroad left u feeling loved n cultured n more experienced in life plus u both had taken a huge chance n now u were better for it n felt more capable n confident that he was getting better n it was an affirmation that u would take care of him n that u would always be there for him, just as u had said in ur vows ::""))

He was happy to consummate ur new marriage in ur own bed for the first time tho lol n on top of that gr8 feeling it was just gr8 that he felt less held back w u there w him especially after the boat experience

So yeah a quick note I rly do think he would be terrified of ever stepping foot on a boat again n would refuse it n be vvv adamant about not doing it again for a vvv long time but I think he could be worn down n would EVENTUALLY be ok w it but maybe not this fast n tho I dont feel like I go into much detail here he def has a hard time on the boat as well like hes just agitated the whole time n probably was prescribed some medication for it if just some motion or sea sickness meds n maybe anxiety but i would say it prolly makes him drowsy so hes kinda out of it which keeps him calm but doesnt stop certain flashbacks n maybe he lashes out n hurts someone once in a while cus it's incredibly traumatic returning to that environment but anyway yeah he would be v fidgety n not like it but in this scenario hes willing to take a chance given how well hes been recovering n how much he trusts u n how much u have helped him n the option had pull so that's why but rly I dont think irl he would have gone back on a boat anywhere near that soon but this is romantic fiction so ::))

Also I have a v specific image of who eugene is w if u cant tell lol so I'm sorry for that specificity but I'm so whipped for him n his gal I lov sm I hope u enjoy n guys I'm so motivated to finally write out the storyline I have for him I'm gonna finally get out his fic ok I promise

[godgiftcd-blog]

META.     JEAN + LONELINESS + FRIENDS + GROWING UP . or something .

“i know he is a problem child, but can anybody be friends with him, please?”

“i used to play by the forest as a kid”

“don’t be a burden on other people”

“im not little jean boy, problem child”

ok im trying not to be emo , but all of these dialogues taken by OVA Sudden Visitor feat. Jean + Jean’s Mother + Sasha/Connie/Reiner/Pixis shenanigan sorta ... really hits home as a Jean roleplayer . i kept thinking about jean’s mom’s words like ??? “i know he is a problem child, but can anybody be friends with him” and how embarrassed jean looked after she said it, like , it was obvious it wasn’t the first time jean has heard that phrase and it clearly impacts him because he dialled up his rudeness from 90% to 500% and LITERALLY kicked his mother out. but why was he a problem child? i don’t get it. like yeah, jean was rude and temperamental , but why was he considered problematic ? and the way mrs. keirstein said it — it insinuated that it’s been something jean has been struggling with for a long time, something that she would’ve often plead to the other kids in the neighbourhood — a.k.a. i know he’s like this, but please be friends with my son.

look, this all sorta reverts back to my earlier ooc post suggesting that jean is a lonely sack of shit . and tbh i think it’s true. like, camaraderie-speaking , the only person jean has seen to be comfortable with on a personal level ( or a close version to it ) has been marco. or at least, comfortable enough that marco made it a point to tell jean that he thought jean could be a good leader. personally . and possibly armin , especially since he has been paired with armin numerous times in battlefield and not to mention, like, armin saved his life plenty . but other than connie and sasha goofing / armin, mikasa and eren’s bond as childhood friends / bert and reiner being close to one another due to their origin — jean never really had anybody aside to mock and annoy . he’s just like  ...  friendless. and even when ppl were kind to him, he just ... comes off as rude , blunt , and/or put-off ish. esp like later in the chapter wherein the corps got new soldiers and they were all so excited and jean just straight down “why the fuck r u so happy” ( source ) like ... he doesn’t even make an effort . although i would argue that this was mostly because he was plague by ur usual war friend PTSD, but i still couldn’t help feeling it stems from the fact that — he never really had any experience about being polite nor kind and the mantra “problematic child” haunting him, ya know ? 

and even when he does i.e. with mikasa and his crush for her , he still — sort of ruins it ‘cause he’s awkward as hell and selfish enough that while he frickin adores mikasa, he still doesn’t adore her enough / doesn’t prioritise his feelings for her enough to put aside his differences with eren and try to get along with this one person his crush seems to treasure .

so like, why’s that, you know ? why is he like that ? going back to the OVA, there’s this brief scene wherein jean came home crying like mad and there’s dirt all over his face , which sorta can make one assume that he’s — a victim of bully ? i think jean has a hard time making friends since he’s a child. but how does that, like, lead to his mom always insisting that he’s a “problem child” ( and i ASSUME it’s something that’s been repeated cause jean goes on and mutters “i’m not little jean boy, problem child” at one point and hoo Boi is that isn’t what Disturbed By A Label means ) , you know ? so my theory is , either (1) jean has always been awkward when he’s a kid, which in return makes the other kids shun him (and thus the coming-back-home-crying), and then he adapts to being rude and temperamental as a way of coping / protecting himself cause he’s hurt af that the other kids don’t wanna be friends w/ him which resulted in his mother calling him “problematic” and mrs keirstein probs pleading all over the place for ppl to be friends w/ her kid cause she knows he’s lonely as heck, which adds MORE to his awkwardness and rudeness and his anger towards his mother “barging in unnecessarily” (which he OBVIOUSLY has a thing against in ref to the scene of her coming into his bedroom + training ground) and in the end he’s just this rage-filled teenager that has communication problems cause he grew up basically alone and thinking he’s SO PROBLEMATIC and why do people care anyway about him and fuck that, ‘cause he’s gonna make it, he’s gonna get away and be an MP and be safe, and to hell with everybody

or (2) he’s always been a demanding and snotty brat since he’s a kid which is why the other children around him ignored him, and when it did, it sorta just takes turn for the worst cause the whole thing i just described above repeated , although this time instead of the rudeness being slowly stemmed, it has always been there and it grew even harsher . of course, other evidence that suggest jean doesn’t rlly have a trusting group of social circle to fill his time as he grows up would be the fact the OVA basically starts w/ him alone in his bed ON A NICE DAY , sketching . and being stressed af over it . i don’t imagine jean as an introverted at all , and yet he spent his time bein frustrated over a painting when he could — oh idk — go out w/ his friends to get away from his mom, whom he CLEARLY is rebelling against. and also the fact he said “i used to play by the forest as a kid”. yeah. a forest that was infested by a dangerous boar. and he played there. as a kid. like, what the fuck ? that isn’t normal at all. so my theory is that he probs go to the forest to get away from the other kids in the village and/or he tried proving smth like he can catch a boar or smth when he’s a child to gain friends but ofc that failed. and yeah . jean ... doesn’t have friends . that’s basically all i wanted to say in this whole shabam — cause it explains a lot why he’s so ... talented, as a soldier, and yet he constantly doesn’t get along with the people he KNOWS he’ll be working with. its just like,,, he’s TRYING his best to just be on everybody’s bad grace.

which is why my portrayal of jean regards marco’s existence as like. a fucking angel or smth. cause while there hasn’t been a lot of evidence, per se, to the fact that they were best friends, but such relationship was heavily implied. jean isn’t the type to get comfortable with people enough that he’ll let anybody say anything about him just like that (which we see a lot when eren / connie / sasha tried picking fights ) , so the fact marco , from the manga , actually took the time to tell jean when they’re alone , that he thought jean was a good leader because he “understood the weak” — i think there’s a very strong camaraderie there. marco not only felt comfortable enough to know jean wouldn’t dismiss him, but he seems respectful of jean to like, make sure jean was alone so whatever he wanted to say can get through to jean peacefully and without interruption from the other 104th squad. and when marco was gone... i would’ve understood why it really fucked jean up to the point he changed his whole ambition because of it. for a lonely kid like my horseface son, it wasn’t just that his whole world was changed and opened to the fact they’re living in a fucked up world , but he actually might have just lost his first real friend. and that shit changed a person.

in addition: pls make a note that after marco’s death, jean never really took the initiative to gain / maintain more friends aside from the professional bond he’s had with the remaining 104th squad . and even then , he probs shut them out on his off-days. and i think thats mostly because he’s been accustomed being on his own with his thoughts without anybody for so long.

[the-static-and-i]

Aftermath (wip)

//This is gonna be a long one (because im like halfway through writing it i think? If even that?), and i was gonna hold off and keep it as a total surprise, but my brain literally wont shut off unless i share every last fucking writing apparently, so take this as it is, and ill post the completed and edited one later today probably, with a real summary :P

TWs: character death, grieving, mourning, suicidal thoughts, mentions of Lucky and Cam (disappearing), survivor’s guilt, general guilt. So much guilt. 

Renee couldn't handle sleeping in the same room Sam had been in not 4 days ago. She had spent a lot of time with Eli and Sofia and Kat, trying to ignore the emptiness in her head. Sam was the more dominant of the two of them, and now with her gone, Ren didnt know what to do with herself; for being the more confident of the two, she didnt have the will to do much of anything. 

By the fourth day though, she figured she couldnt sit and cry on Sofia's couch, finally dragging her ass back to her own cabin. She slowly looked around, remembering every blanket fort and hug that Sam had made and shared, every movie they had watched, and every bowl of popcorn she had eaten. The room felt.. empty now. Grey and dull and lifeless. Or maybe it was Ren feeling that way..? She couldn't tell the difference anymore. 

She slowly idled around the room, eventually ending up in her room. She picked up Sam's teddy bear, her favorite that had gotten her through so many bad days. Ren hugged it tight, feeling almost as if she was hugging Sam. She found herself crying again, her knees giving out as a sob broke through her pursed lips. She clutched the bear -- Peter? -- to her chest, biting his ear to muffle herself.

--

She didnt know when exactly she had fallen asleep, but Ren found herself opening her eyes groggily, pushing herself up from the floor. As she stood, she saw the bag Sam had brought with them originally sitting next to the wardrobe, almost completely empty, save a sketchbook and a small fox plushie with a ribbon and a handmade tag that read "Auburn". Reading Sam's handwriting caused her to tear up further, so she set aside the small fox and grabbed the sketchbook.

She flipped through, seeing so many sketches, through various states of completion, the last two causing her breath to catch. On the left of the page was a half finished sketch of Sam holding her hand up to a mirror, her reflection clearly being Renee, smiling back so happily. She lifted a hand to her mouth, trying to hold back a dry sob, lowering her fingertips to the page after a moment. The right page was a half finished Renee in a dress, holding a blue rose, with a roughly-sketched Genesis in a beautiful black dress, almost holding Ren's hand. Across the top in Sam's best cursive was the phrase "For Good."

Ren found herself tearing up once again, the song immediately playing in her head. She couldnt remember all of the words, but the parts she could hear were distinctly in Sam's voice, "So now its up to you, for both of us.. i know im who i am today, because i knew you.. i do believe i have been changed for the better, and because i knew you, i have been changed for good..." Ren sobbed as the words repeated and replayed, what she thought Gen sounding like filling in some of the other half, "just to clear the air, i ask forgiveness, for the things ive done you blame me for.. whatever way our stories end, i know you have rewritten mine, by being my friend..."

She couldn’t hold back the tears, quickly setting the book aside so she didnt fuck with the pages further, bringing her hands up to her face so she didnt have to see anything but the darkness. 

--

Finally, Ren had packed up her bag fully. She didnt know where she was going, but she knew she couldnt stay in the cabin anymore; there were so many memories everywhere here, and she couldnt stop replaying all of them. She left Auburn and Peter on the bed, with a short note saying that Eli and Jackie could have them respectively, before leaving out the front door. She considered just walking off the property until she collapsed somewhere, but decided that was a horrible train of thought that she didnt wanna follow, so instead she headed towards the road, caught between borrowing someone else's car and calling a ride. 

She glanced up at the main house, briefly remembering the conversation about getting an apartment that Sam--.. that she was supposed to have with Ceph. She debated that too; it wasnt that she didnt want help, it was more that she didnt know if she could face an entire house of memories and people that might try to comfort or stop her, and she hadnt actually mentioned leaving to anyone. The fact that she left without Kat noticing was a miracle, and she couldnt handle explaining herself to anybody -- not when she was still explaining to herself.

"Renren..?" A quiet voice called behind her, causing Ren to tense up. She wanted to pretend she didnt hear him, wished she had made up her mind, wished she could disappear without hurting anybody, but.. She turned around to face Eli, not actually meeting his eyes. She doesnt speak, she hadnt since--.. 

Eli stepped closer, his hand coming into Ren's view. He reaches for her hand, her shoulder, before pulling away entirely. She wanted to hug him, but couldnt bring herself to move. She should explain, but she still didnt know why she was even gonna leave, and now he was going to blame himself no matter which she picks, and- 

"Ren? Eli?" Another voice comes from the direction of the house, louder and more concerned than Eli's had been. Ren notices Eli turn to Jinx, sees Jinx's feet enter her field of view, can practically feel his worry rolling off of him. He had so much worry for someone so young.. "You two okay-?" Jinx sounded almost like he wanted to say more, but decided against it. 

Ren nodded to his question, glancing down at the bag that was still clutched in her too-tight grip. This was a mistake. She shouldnt-- she couldnt leave all of this behind. This was.. well, she was happy here. Everyone she cared about was here, well.. almost everyone.. 

She lifts a shaky hand to run through her hair, habitually sticking her thumbnail in her mouth and gnawing at it afterwards. 

"'m fine, but Renren..." Eli trailed off, and Ren felt a pang hit her chest; the first emotion to break her numbness, and it was guilt, how fitting.. These two shouldnt have to walk on eggshells, its not like she was a ticking time bomb.. 

But as she looked down at her white knuckles, as she chewed her nail down to the pink, as she remembered the voice telling her to join Sam and Cam and Lucky, she wasnt so sure of that anymore.

"Renren, stop," Eli pulled her hand from her mouth, and only then did she notice she had bitten down hard enough to draw blood. Her eyes followed Eli's hand back up to his face, tracing over every worried and distressed and upset mark, and she wished for nothing more than to hold him until they all faded.

Logically, she knew it wouldnt work like that, but she couldnt help but drop her bag and pull him into a hug anyway. It was the first one she had initiated and the first she had reciprocated, and that realization made her heart pang again. Eli was suffering and mourning just as much, and now it was like he lost both sisters.. She squeezed him a little, resting a hand on the back of his head. 

Eli hugged her back quickly, his arms around her waist. She could feel the fabric of her shirt becoming damp near his face, but she didnt mind. It was just a shirt, and he was so much more important. She gently brushed through his hair with one hand, the other releasing him and holding a welcoming hand out to Jinx.

He stepped closer, his body tense, but he joined the hug anyway, one hand resting on Eli's shoulder and the other on Ren's back. She rested her hand on his back, just below his shoulder so he could easily duck out when he got uncomfortable. 

Her legs were shaking by the time they all finally parted, Eli softly sniffling and Jinx looking a little awkward. Ren rubbed her arm, her hand feeling oddly empty without the bag, her arms feeling oddly empty without them, but her heart feeling a little more full. She pointed up to the house, waiting for both boys to acknowledge the gesture before she picked up her bag and stepped forward, wanting one of them to lead the way. In truth, she didnt want to be alone, and didnt know how to confidently lead anymore, even if it was just inside a big fucking house. She didnt know how to hold herself anymore, and her legs felt like weak cement, both too unstable but too heavy to move. 

Eli grabbed Ren's hand, wrapping it round his shoulders, Jinx coming around to take her bag, and the three slowly made their way inside. They were so patient and understanding, and they were so strong.. they shouldnt have to be strong, and another guilty pang flashed through Ren's chest.

~~

// Fin for now <3 Is gonna get worse before it gets better i think, so im sorry in advance? I promise im gonna write fluff soon, i need it so badly and these two assholes arent gonna stop me from giving them fluff, no matter how hard they’re apparently trying?? 

//Also, in case you couldnt tell, this is Post Cloak AU! Hopefully it stays an au! :)