#im gonna be lonely now that shes not gonna live with me anymore

[cuntrytaylor]

well. my roommate of 5 years is moving out!

[stylespresleyhearted]

POV: AUSTIN BUTLER IS IN LOVE

(AND DOESN’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT)

masterlist here x

liked by fan21, user13, and 937 others

enews Love is in the air! Austin Butler and his girlfriend shared the sweetest reunion outside the airport 😭 more photos at the link in bio

view all comments

fan34 omg i am so freaking jealous

user12 GOD HAS FAVORITES AND IT AINT ME

butlerfan It feels so good to see him be publicly in love and not hide it anymore

liked by florencepugh, tomhardy, and 15933 others

austinbutler Happy day 🎂❤️

view all comments

fan13 LMAO THE OFFICE MEME RETURNS

tchalamet happy birthday gee! @yourinstagram

zendaya 27 has never looked better queen 💕

ashleytisdale I’m telling Jupiter LOL! Happiest birthday to you @yourinstagram you are a blessing in our lives 🥰🥰

ashleybee HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY 💘💘💘

liked by keoghan92, zendaya, and 97188 others

yourinstagram 💋 smooches for @austinbutler

view all comments

glenpowell Austin Butler is one lucky lucky man

fan13 not glen in the comment section please

user13 this gets cuter when you realize she was actually kissing him through the glass 😭❤️

oliviadejonge absolute stunner 🥀

austinbutler Get over here right now

liked by fan12, user13 and 988 others

enews Austin Butler and girlfriend spotted sharing a few cuddles and kisses while on a date! We all know how much they love their smooches 😚

view all comments

user21 one hand on her back, other in her pocket this man knows he’s fine

fan13 IM SO FUCKIN LONELY 😩

liked by ashleytisdale and 13794 others

austinbutler sweatin’ because my date is so hot

view all comments

ashleybee HAHA the caption 😂😂

yourinstagram lol u cheesy man ����🏻 ily

anthonyboyle He was probably so proud with it too 😂

keoghan ace mateeee 😌

ayoedibiri this is my favorite post you have ever posted

liked by keoghan92, zendaya, and 93166 others

austinbutler Took over lighting production during a visit on set and she killed it !!

view all comments

florencepugh I’m so mad you didn’t bring her on the Dune set

yourinstagram WHAT DO YOU MEAN I WAS THERE EVERY WEEKEND

florencepugh not enough. i needed you there every day.

yourinstagram Michael Mann said the job is mine 🤩

user13 y/n getting a job on the heat 2 set iktr!!!

liked by tchalamet, bazluhrmann, and 101766 others

austinbutler I want to do with you what spring does to cherry tress - Pablo Neruda

view all comments

fan23 … is everyone else also transfixed on her awesome boobs or am i a perv ?

oliviadejonge gorgeous girl

tomholland2013 aren’t we lucky boys mate?

ashleytisdale 😍😍😍

ayoedibiri she’s got you quoting pablo neruda and i completely understand why

yourinstagram if your boyfriend isn’t also your photographer break up with him

liked by catherinemartinedesigns and 89716 others

austinbutler 🕶️

view all comments

zendaya the coolest to ever do it

keoghan92 sickkkk

rileykeough Austin we’re gonna need you to release a book of all the photos you have of this gorgeous girl 🌚

ashleybee Her job is Cool Barbie

liked by ashleybee, anthonyboyle, and 67178 others

yourinstagram was my turn to snap a photo of this handsome guy who makes me the happiest i have ever been ♥️♾️ ‘love could be labeled poison and we’d drink it anyway’

view all comments

austinbutler oh no

yourinstagram taste of your own medicine mister lol

keoghan92 my teeth can’t handle the sweetness

florencepugh not one bad photo of either of you exists

ashleybee Having a big sister moment because he’s winked the same since he was like 5

yourinstagram can we look at baby pictures again 🥹

—

No disrespect intended to Austin’s current relationship, I respect their privacy but also I really wish Austin would post his gf, talk about her, all that good stuff I GET WHY HE DOESN’T 😭

also using Sydney Sweeney as a FC because I’m currently obsessed with her she’s awesome?? Brilliant ??? She is everything. Also I may have an idea for part 2 but it would be nsfw concerning leaked nudes and such but would anyone be interested in that? Lemme know! As always feel free to come chat 💬

[mihai-florescu]

Fascinated by alien valkyrie... do happyele really think mixing the two will bring people back? Ive still been playing the eng server because i was already committed to getting new years madara but idk if I'll keep going after that... everything is leaving a bad taste in my mouth but Im sticking around on the periphery at least to see where things go. Morbidly curious.

Also I havent been reading anymore mhyk stories I've just been drained by Everything and then last week my irl that I was gonna watch the anime with got really sick. She's better now so we are gonna watch the first two eps tomorrow but I would like to get back to reading stories... hopefully soon now that things are settling down. -📖

Morbidly curious is my stance too. But to be fair i have never spent money in game, find tiering stupid, and when ppl would ask how to get into enstars id always tell them to read first era instead rather than playing the game so. Well. I still do my starry lives on eng, i wont lie. I wish i never started playing the actual game though, now i struggle to stop when ive had the acc since it was in beta (i did stop playing on the jp server a while ago though since im using eng to read untranslated stories). I will be the first to admit im addicted, and ive overcome past game addictions by telling myself i still have enstars. But im not sure how to stop playing this one now...? I dont want to get into any other game. I read stories with pleasure but playing things is too addictive for me, who lacks routine or purpose otherwise. But this disappointment in recent updates might help me break out of the addiction i hope. Even if enstars still makes me happier than anything and i cant see a world where it's not my special interest~ ill cherish it for what it was to me forever. And even currently i think theres more nuanced than people like to think, given even good rep has been attacked in an attempt to nitpick and get points on estwt. I have complicated feelings on the whole matter that i prefer to keep to myself or close friends. But maybe i already wrote my feelings in those instagram stories i shared from a few days ago and the ask from cookie

Ignore the typo, but these were my feelings from a few days ago irt morbid curiosity. Ive always said im not a fandom account but just a guy with an interest in things - other ppl resonated with my opinions and here we are i suppose. But im critical of a fandom lens in approaching media. My sensitive lone wolf personality, tch... <-joke. Mostly

Aanyway, i think you can wait until a few episodes of mhyk come out to binge them. It starts a bit slow and i was sad it ended so quickly when i watched the first ep. I hope your friend will recover completely from her sickness soon! You said she's better, but still, medical problems are so scary...

Stories will always be here to welcome you back^^ no need to hurry, even though i understand so badly wanting to read but not being in the right mindset or having other issues occupy your time or brainpower instead. I think it took me 4 days to read a 10 chapter story last week, it was baddd. Not the story was bad, my mental state. U get it

[vanikey]

im having Thoughts abt my living situation (past, present, and future) and im gonna ramble abt it on tumblr bc this blog is my diary

ive Officially lived on my own since april 2023 and i love it so much !!!!!! (tho if rent goes up any more and my job continues to have shit pay i may not get to anymore but anywayssss...) growing up i always wanted to live on my own but as i aged i grew fearful i wouldnt be able to bc of lack of independence emotionally, physically, and financially but i did it and i was worried id end up hating it or be lonely but no it fucks severely

that being said i loved living in my childhood home but couldve done with less constant people time LOL (or just more freedom ig) and then in college i lived with friends the whole time and that was a bit rocky for a while but the last few years (in the attic apartment) were amazing and i was sad to leave but at the same time i knew i had to if i wanted to eventually get my own place and i also had some fears abt my roommate (he hates living alone absolutely hates it and i loved living with him and hes said repeatedly he loved living with me but a part of me always wonders if thats bc it was me or if anyone wouldve done? like any friend/person that would spend time with him idk) (if my friend is reading this no youre not) (and it worked out anyway bc he moved states like a year or so after we stopped living together so i wouldve had to leave the attic apartment anyway lol) then i lived with my parents again and eventually found a job i lowkey hate but am usually neutral abt and got my own place and yeah!!

the Thing is one of my sisters and i always talked abt our dream houses and one day she merged it into us living together and also me helping her whenever she decides to have a kid (i offered to if we would be living together)(despite me not being comfortable with kids really idk i have 6 nieces/nephews aged 8 and under but i still dont know how to interact with them and am scared of babies and wont even hold them if theyre less than 6 months and even then it makes me so nervous) ANYWAYS i promised her id help her (even if its just like cleaning around the house or stuff like that) and maybe even try with baby/kid stuff bc shes planning on being a single mom

the thing is i knew she was being 100% serious and i do mean what i said but i also dont think i really Realized and also i may have been thinking hypothetically/jokingly kinda? without realizing? that that could be my actual future?? and shes potentially looking at getting a house rn and i wouldnt be moving into it anytime soon but she was asking me if id like to one day and is asking me abt stuff and it hit me like Oh Shit and i also realized her proposed deadline for starting to have her own kids is coming up in the next like 2-ish years (shes in her mid thirties) and im like. i actually dont want any of that lol

like i Just got out on my own? and id like to remain that way for a long time if possible? potentially forever?? and thinking on it if i ever got a house of my own i imagine itd be smaller and stuff and like the places we've talked abt id have my own space for sure like basically a mini apartment/basement scenario but thinking on it now i dont think thats good enough for me? bc someone will still be there living with me even if it is like upstairs or whatever and will be wanting to spend time with me that i may not want to be sharing (this was the first 18 years of my life lol) and not only that but there will be at least one if not two kids and ive never lived with anyone younger than me for an extended period of time and ahhhhhh

idk just having realizations ig and idk if theyll change or if I'll have to break her heart or if I'll have to put up with living with ppl again idkkkk

[junior-high-nene-official]

// okay so. therefore you and me and how its ruinene. lets break down the lyrics.

“Hole in the pot, curry with no meat.”

things that are incomplete, u cant have a hole in the pot and curry without meat. its an empty feeling thinking about it, representation of that era where rui felt empty and alone.

“It's not filled up because, There's seconds to have?” Its an optimistic but not believed type of words. its not done or filled because there is always more. it represents a selfish desire of wanting more, or wondering if this is enough. its rui (and or maybe nene) wondering can we be selfish and want, or can we go the way we are now

“A lone chopstick, A lone shoe, A clock without its hands, An unfulfilled relationship.” rui/nene is the one chopstick. the one shoe. a clock without its hands. incomplete without the other.

“An empty shampoo, or a full garbage bag. Which do you want? You want neither?” do you want to be alone, or be ‘normal’ with terrible friends? you arent alone, but ur still miserable. rui wants neither. nene wants neither.

“Paired up they mean something, My Avatar!” romantic tension between the two. together they feel whole again, a new, better person with each other.

“Its two-in-one, you and me” again as before, they feel whole with each other, theyre one person in the same and theyre whole

“Don't ever let go of whats beloved” hey guys remember the “im working on a solo project”?? yeah??? rui probably regrets that so much, he wont let things go now. not again. hes not gonna be alone anymore. nene wont let people leave lile she did, she wont be a push over on that, she's gonna make them stay and not isolate

“You are love itself!” rui sees nene as love itself. shes not mean. nene sees rui as love itself. hes not weird.

the main chorus is representing the happiness that comes with them being together. with having love. it also shows the opposites, ie living/dying, loving/forgetting, etc. its the hardships of that middle school time they went through.

in short nene and rui should cover this song ruinene real mizuruinene even realer i love them so much lmk if u want a part 2

[swaggymunchausen]

I just wanna fucking cry. I know i have myopathic eds ive read every bit of information there is available which is very little since its insanely rare. Its caused me so much pain all my life and people looked at me like im a freak for having arms and legs that cant straighten, people tried to force me to be normal and told me im just making it all up and being dramatic. Ive torn my knees so many times and they never fully heal. Its so lonely. Theres only one person ive seen here with a diagnosis from genetic test. I cant even start a process of getting medical attention cuz my horrible abusive mom never took me to dr for anything so i have no faith id ever be taken seriously trying to start the diagnosing at 22 with no fucking family medical history cuz one side of my family is crazy freak mennonites and dont believe in medicine. What the fuck is there for people with rare disorders from wack freak abusive families that barely took them to get regular checkups let alone genetic tests and specialists. Im gonna die i live in an rv with no fucking running water having to haul it from a dirty ass stream with joints one bad move away from breaking forever it seems. Im so fucking cold anf it makes my joints hurt so fuclinh much. I had to flee my abusive family and was kicked out of my partners mothers house cuz she didnt believe im disabled and i was just trying to heal anf get better enough to live my life. Now im fuckibg stuck camping worried im gonna get arrested for my body producing waste and mess im too sick to clean up anymore. I dont want to ask for help because i just think of how much worse others have it. I just want a home. I just want a home please give me a home please.

[razrrgames]

tomorrow is the 7th anniversary of when i first released after the bell.

a lot has happened in the past 7 years.

i have/had an entire update planned, i wanted to rebuild the game from the ground up, especially since porting it to the steam version of 2003 fucked up the fade transitions.

but i never did.

i’ve tried starting many times, and failed every time.

i don’t think i’ve talked about it here, but im very open about this: i have ADHD and autism. the ADHD is what applies the most here.

the ADHD prevents me from doing what i want, and the RSD makes me overcomplicate things.

back when i made ATB, i was in a hyper focus state on RPGMaker. i had four ongoing projects at once: after i finished the first version of ATB, i was drafting the update, file:blue was added during a horror game jam, riitami, and one other project i literally cannot even remember the name of off the top of my head. i focused hard on these projects, mainly riitami, and then the novelty wore off. this is one of the worst parts of my ADHD. i get really into doing something for a short burst and then i get bored and can’t force myself to do it anymore.

i felt horrible for so long. why can’t i just DO things like everyone else? i need to remake ATB, i need to fix it, i need to take out the stair scene because it was in poor taste, i need to expand on the lore so i stop seeing people asking why ghosts can’t just go through the wall, i need to expand on these characters, etc etc etc. and i just couldn’t do it. i forced myself to come up with a logistical reason for not passing through walls, i rewrote and scrapped and rewrote and scrapped over and over again.

don’t get me wrong. i still do want to update after the bell. i want to remake it. i want to make it better. better maps, better art, better jokes, better characters, etc. but i can’t give you an estimate on when that will happen.

as for the lore of the game,,, i don’t want to put any more thought into it.

i didn’t go into that project with a real plot or world in mind. i just drew a little ghost girl and decided i wanted to make a game about her. then i made her a girlfriend and some classmates. i thought of a very simple fetch quest: getting her name. that’s all it was. nothing more, nothing less.

that said, i have new answers to things.

why can’t she go through walls?

who cares? i’m not gonna make transition events on every wall tile just to satisfy some people who can’t put their suspension of disbelief on hold for a silly ten minute game.

why are all these girls dead?

i don’t know. i just thought one character would be too lonely, so i added some more. i thought more ghosts would be better than filling the space with living characters and then dealing with whatever allows them to communicate.

and there was one person that once said in a comment that it was weird that protag’s parents had the same last name. that has always been a strange thought to me. they’re married? one took the other’s last name?

i don’t really know what i’m rambling about at this point.

in the past seven years (in no particular order), i have moved out, got my drivers license, lost my job, got another job, was ghosted out of that job, gotten a new job that destroyed my soul, fell into a deep depression at the start of the lockdown, went back to the soul crushing job once it resumed, fell out with my roommate, moved back in with my parents, quit my old job and got another job that i now love, adopted a hamster, had her until she passed away earlier this year from health complications, made friends, lost friends, started and ended therapy, got a psychiatrist, got on anxiety medication, started (trying) ADHD meds, started dating my girlfriend, saw her in person twice, was briefly hospitalized to get my first surgery (gall bladder removal), had ANOTHER surgery (septoplasty + removing polyps), went to new york to meet old friends twice, went thru multiple medications trying to find something to help me sleep at night, came out to my mother as a lesbian (she still does not know my gender identity), met some of the people who would become some of the most important people in my life, cried over dnd (positive), started writing stories again, tabled at a lot of conventions…

it’s been a long and wild road. and in those seven years, i have thought about the ATB cast. i know the game got a little traction when it was first released, and i’m a little shocked that it seems to get a lot more attention in spanish speaking communities! that’s a lil crazy to me! not in a bad way of course. i think that’s really cool. sharing our creations and experiences across different language communities is one of the coolest things in the world.

i’ve seen praise and criticism that have helped me think about my work as an artist, and some that have hindered me a bit. nevertheless, i’ve grown a lot since then. at least i hope so.

im rambling about a lot of things. sorry. my train of thought is more like a spaghetti junction, lol

at the end of the day, these silly little ghost girls were my first real journey into RPGmaker. i’d loved playing games for a long time and had made one shoddy little thing before, but ATB was my first real release. i’ve thought about these girls a lot. i don’t think too hard about their world, the lore doesn’t really matter to me; it was just a silly little game i made with no real forethought.

one day i will deliver that remake to you. i don’t know when. i love these characters, simple as they are, and i want to do right by them. im even thinking of asking for help, as i clearly have a lot of trouble moving forward; help with setting up maps and transitions is the most important thing, as i’m not very good at layouts or mapping, but i can handle all the artwork and writing dialogue myself. i also want to commission someone for custom music, as the original music used in the game was generated via online programs because i am also, shockingly (/sarcasm), terrible at music composition. or more like i have no experience with it. i’m tone deaf as all hell.

that is not financially viable for me right now, unfortunately (i owe my parents like $800 for insurance + some assistance from when bebbie passed away) and i do not want to just. not pay people for their work. as an artist i understand the value of the work that goes into these things, and i’m not about to run around asking for free help with a silly little ghost game. i want to be able to pay my help appropriately for their time and effort. that said, if you’d be interested in helping out when that time comes (paid of course, i can’t tell you when that’ll be bc as much as i love my job i don’t make a lot of money) please let me know.

i should bring this rambling to a close.

thank you for seven years of silly ghost girls. it’s been a long time, but i hope that these girls pop into your thoughts from time to time to say hello, as they do for me. i want to do them better, even if they are just a couple of silly middle school lesbian ghosts.

thank you for your patience and support. i’m sorry i haven’t lived up to be the person or developer that i wanted to be. i’m sorry i failed to bring you something to play so many times and for so long. i hope you can forgive me.

thank you, thank you, thank you.

[walking-fnaf-encyclopedia]

Don't worry about taking a while to respond!! we don't mind.

I LOVE Cassidy crying child as well (and have a Cassidy CC fictive headmate as well dfkgjhfgd) and I use it for several AUs including my main fnaf au. To answer your question about the designs, I'm thinking that Baby's appearance is altered to fit the other animatronics- i tend to stylize them all like real life vintage animatronics anyway, but Baby looks more like the others in the swap AU!

We might tell you more about some of our AUs soon, but in the meantime, what's your favorite of your AUs? Or any that you feel like sharing?

(Happy fnaf movie birthday!! We're gonna see it tonight we're so excited)

head in fucking hands. i have typed up a response to this twice now and tumblr keeps fucking eating it i hate mobile.

OKAY. third times the charmmm!!!

thank youu <3

same hat!!!! i only have them in logical error tho cause so far thats the only one where its relevant so far lol. i should really make a flashlight duo au or something. dont get me wrong, love evan cc having a best friend cassidy, but something about lonely cassidy cc who blames their dad more than mike for their death, ughhh.

changing baby definitely makes the most sense since shes the most “out of place,” her canon design being a different location, you know what i mean lol. but i know some people love to take on that challenge of “okay, but what if i redesigned everyone else instead of taking the sane route?” (its me im some people) also YES love vintage real life animatronics!!

oughhh my fave it probably logical error… i cant share a lot about it unfortunately twt

BUT! i can share one thing!! the twins’ (mangle’s heads) are named valerie (‘main’ head with casing) and eirelav (endo head)!! val and eire (eye-ra) for short! ive made up a whole little thing which i explained best in my second try at replying to this ask, but basically, cassie has a miscolored roxy plush that she named “valerie,” her best cross between roxy(/ie) and valentine. this roxy plush was a defect plush cause they put the wrong fabrics or the wrong patterns into the machines, so they had a small batch of chica-colored roxys and roxy-colored chicas (which cassie also has one of, whom i desperately need to name lol). i will draw them eventually i think they are so silly, her dad gave them to her and she thinks theyre both hilarious and adorable <3

okayyy i would say more but 1. third time writing this and still have to do. tags. and 2. i dont have anymore ideas lolll

HOPE YALL HAD FUN!!!!! i have to wait til the fifth of november and i am going insane. shaking violently. i am not leaving that fucking theatre seat til the credits. (which will suck cause no stimming but WHATEVER!!!!! ILL LIVE!!!!)

[krustworld]

I’m a special type of lonely cuz I’ve been naturally popular my whole life.….technically I don’t know that’s not the case for everybody. Anywys My parents never let me have friends (cuz of religion) so I never learned how to cultivate my ppl skills. Now I’m behind and even tho ppl want to like me…im strange and most ppl don’t fuck with that. Even tho they say they do/will I swear so few ppl

Are even 1% open minded ! It’s chill it’s so hard forme to actually connect w people it’s not worth it rather throw myself into my art. Plus I can be myself around my few friends. It sucked growing up not being able to do anything I wanted to do it definetly made my mental problems worse for context I got taken away from my birth mother at a young age I don’t wanna say why bc I love her so much don’t wanna put her on blast but she lost custody had no visitation rights and I didn’t even talk to her on the phone until I ran away at 17! By that time I didn’t remember what she looked like I used to cry about that all the time cuz I thought she was gonna die and I’d never rememeber again I just remembered that she was beautiful and had the greenest eyes in the world! When she picked up the phone I fell to my knees and cried for the first time in 8 years my chest was going crazy is all I could remeber. Anyways My dad and stepmom raised me across the country and they were super super religious and never let me out of their sight it oh yeah we also had this family restaurant that no kidding! I worked at every single day even after school until close and every single day of the summer from open to close ! Which during the summer we would close at 10 pm or later sometimes lollll we would consistently get home at midnight cuz all the cleaning everyday (during summer) was way more than 12 hours everyday god it makes me sad I should’ve been having a childhood bro and oh yes I was the only one in the family who didn’t have a day off every week[or ever!!! Not even once!) cuz young =strong and oh yeah it’s my fault they’re in debt cuz my mom crazy this was something that was regularly said to my young impressionable heart! I would tell u more but I don’t want anybody to get in trouble lollll for real u guys have no idea it was torture especially after being able to do whatever I wanted in the early years of my life it’s so hard to be nice to myself cuz I’ve been treated with such hostility by the ppl supposed to nurture me they literally used me for money and getting their anger out lol yeah living with my mother had it’s problems but I had already learned to deal with them and found identity/security in them and taking me away from her just stripped me of my identity not to mention MY MOTHER and gave me new problems that were just too much with all the other shit that doesn’t just go away cuz I’m not actively there anymore! Ur souls lives everywhere you go that’s why u have to be careful with yourself and with ur kids </3 also for the record I love my dad and stepmom don’t think they meant to be so cruel to me they’re just hurt

[leefi]

The Flower that Bloomed Nowhere Read-through | Part 7: 90-100

Part 1: 1-14 | Part 2: 14-22 | Part 3: 22-34 | Part 4: 34-64 | Part 5: 64-80 | Part 6: 81-90 | Part 7: 90-100 | Part 8: 100-127 (caught up here)

Bal is soooo funny for choosing to simply sit out and wait the loop. If that were me I’d be acting out. I’d be skipping around the sanctuary acting mischevious and committing hooliganry. Hey does Fang have loop memories

SU NAME REVEAL!!! KUROKA!

raises hand. I have another question. did samium also fuck that old man

Shiko is so sweet oh my goddddd 😭 I wonder if Kuroka fell in love with her...

I hadn't even realized how much of a fan I was. That another me had been growing on those lonely nights, only waiting for someone to draw it out.

Even though it was such a small thing, for the first time, I felt like I was able to be someone other than myself. Someone who shined brightly.

Just like her. AWWWUWYYYYYYUUUUWUWUUUUUUUU!!!!! AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

"Fang, Su, have you still got enough eris for barriers?"

Fang looked at their scepter, making a thoughtful hum. "Yeah, for a few minutes."

I thought Fang didn’t have their scepter?

Another thing I'd failed to understand at the time was that this was largely by design. Replicating high-quality food was impossibly cheap, and a low-hanging fruit in terms of helping people's quality of life. It was the politics of spite, or 'tough love' if you wanted to be charitable; choosing not to help others for no reason other than them having not earned it, or at least treating it as not worth the infinitesimally minor inconvenience to their betters.

oh i dont like this worldbuilding that much anymore

“Nowadays you can get your nutrition managed with pills anyway. It's not like when we were kids, when it actually mattered what you ate."

"There's still no long-term research into the subject," [Shiko]’s mother replied, frowning. "And besides, it's not simply a matter of health. There are social consequences to having a limited palate."

“social consequences”? lets kill her

"I'm just saying, it wouldn't hurt to be a little more conscientious," Shiko's mother insisted, holding up a hand. "And I know I've only been here for a couple of years now, but I really don't think it's that bad. Some parts in town seem a little deprived, but the theater is nice, and I've never had any trouble finding anything from the shops. It's hardly Altaia or Old Yru, but it's not as though we're eking out a living on the Lower Planes."

KUROKA BABY IM GONNA GET YOU OUT OF THERE. IM GONNA GET YOU OUT

Shiko’s granddad and Samium were conspiring to use her???? “Get the drop on her”???????? I mean this isn’t anything we didn’t already know but hearing them speak so plainly and shamelessly about it IN HER HOUSE is repulsive

I'd done a lot of stuff for a person my age, especially if you counted the stuff from-- Well, you know. I'd traveled by carriage, bus, tram, vacuum tram, boat and airship. I'd been to seven different countries and lived in four. I'd played in an amateur sport team (assuming chess counts as a sport).

it does not

Ophelia had been unspokenly left out as well; she apparently produced such an aura of eternal femininity that our minds had just silently registered it as the correct call after we'd only been able to find three shovels in the greenhouse.

also me if im being completely honest. *the gorillas get released* sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

Hey while they’re digging I’ve been thinking. using the dying gods as their proxy has me wondering if this really is an integrated pneuma in some person enacting its long thought out (hehe) revenge. But that doesn’t explain multiple culprits especially considering they’ve been referring to death with different gendered pronouns

She looked between us. "Questions?"

Linos looked to the side. "Uh, do you see any problems with the plan, Zeno?"

There was a pause, then an approving thump from the luggage pile.

funniest character

a possible explanation for many of these contradictions was that there wasn't just one 'mastermind', but competing groups.

One calls it 'master'. The other calls it 'Her'...

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES. It's almost like...a battle of wills? A battle of competing ideologies?

"I think I-- I think I have a hernia," I said weakly.

"What you have is a case of the weeny-whinies.” THE WEENY WHINIES!!!!

KAMRANSU SWEEP!!! im doing yuri multiplication in my head rn

hum. "Indeed, you've stumbled upon the fundamental issue. After all, if what we inhabit is not the true reality, but merely the product of a physical process within another, it seems very improbable for our 'creators' to be playing with tools akin to our own. Our very conception of inter-dimensional spacetime - and the associated concepts of entropy, movement, and finite energy - could be nothing more than an amusing fabrication, with no bearing on actual physics."

Kind of like how a two-dimensional creature can only interpret a 3-dimensional world from a 2-dimensional perspective, and a 3-dimensional creature can only interpret a 5th-dimensional world from a 3rd and simplified 4th dimensional perspective…but what defines “actual?“ is any of your universe “actual”, for that matter? You have no confidence that your reality is real beyond the myths you’ve heard of the ironworkers. I don't mean to explicitly suggest this is a simulation by any means, but rather...I'm thinking back to Zeno's question. "Why turn back the self when you can turn back the world?". Well, if you're conflicted on what a "self" constitutes, it only follows to reason that the nature of the world around you too would also fall into question...

Well, that depends, Utsushikome. Do you believe a pawn is destined only to look across at its rival pieces for eternity, by its very nature?" She stabbed her fork into a tomato, spilling its red fluid. "Or, perchance, might it learn to crane its neck towards heaven?"

My eyes drifted from the tower towards the ceiling of the bioenclosure proper. The blackness.

Slowly, I clicked my tongue. OHHHHOHOHOHOGOGOGOGOGOOGOGOGOHOHHOHHOOHHOOHOGOGOGOGOYOYO RHHEEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHE

She nodded several times, like I'd said something profound. "Yes. That's it exactly." She exhaled. "It's cowardice. People are afraid of death, so they try to turn it into something it isn't. Something beautiful and cathartic, something symbiotic with humanity, just like Grandmaster Melanthos was talking about. So they don't have to face the truth that it was all for fucking nothing. That being mortal is an accident of material circumstance, just as much as hunger or, or-- I don't know, going *bald*.” 🦍

"When people think of truly eternal lives, of sticking not just a few more centuries on the pile but outlasting the lifespan of stars, the scope of the proposition is harrowing. What would we become, in trying to achieve true stability as creatures of chaos and change? Could we?" Her voice grew a little quieter; solemn, almost. "What would we do, without that option to simply fade away?" She looked towards me. "What do you think, Su?"

I went for a third round of blinking, just to emphasize the point.

Why does [Kam] always single me out in these conversations?

big ass crush on you

Ohhh Kam is a 60 year old minor! Cool!

Even though she'd dismissed questions on the subject with an affect of far-sightedness back in the transpositioning chamber, the fact of the matter was that people our age getting stressed out about their own mortality was freakishly rare; I'd literally never met another person quite like [Kam].

This trait she and I share. I was having existential breakdowns at the tender age of 5

Ohhh Su is in her early-mid thirties! Okay yeah that checks out with her mental illness

You're only 32, Su," she said, frowning. "It's a little early to making world-weary statements like that, don't you think?

*looks at su* *looks at orv*

*looks back at su*

Of all the years I could live, could thrive, until all those regrets are nothing more than a single drop in a vast lake. I'm sure the same is true for you, too."

This really was out of character for her. I felt a complicated feeling in my chest. "That's, uh... Kam..."

"Is this really the right time for this?" Ran asked flatly. "The philosophy was one thing, but this is getting weirdly romantic."

Kam scoffed, making a gesture of distaste. "Don't be peculiar, Ran."

KAMSU SWEEP WE HAVE LITEREALLY NEVER BEEN MORE BACK THAN WE ARE RIGHT NOW

"Perfect," Kam said, stepping towards it immediately.

"Feels a little weird to be looting the dead," I said, glancing around.

"This is no time for sentiment, Su," Kam replied. She walked up to the cabinet in question and, after unsuccessfully trying the lock, took the butt of her refractor rifle and shattered it, before casting it aside and sliding the larger weapon out.

this actually became a COD lobby im crying

saw Samium lying down in the bed, eyes half-open, staring at the ceiling. Other than the fact that there was a book by the side that seemed to be gone now - fiction, probably, the cover depicting a ship - that felt a little confusing. So he could read a novel, after all? Or maybe someone had left it here?

Ship of Theoseus chan?

Why did the playwright just look at me

"Okay, so. Here's the thing," they said. "The monster might be, uh, real."

SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP

WE HAVE LITERALLY NEVER BEEN MORE BACK THAN THIS MOMENT FOLKS THIS IS IT. THIS IS REAL. IT'S HAPPENING

Okay for all my excitement about the beast is there any way to check if that’s actually the phantasm conjuring arcana they talked about earlier? Could explain the grim reaper but I don’t remember if it could produce sound or not…or how big it could get. Could also just be a really advanced golem since the power was active while this was happening? (And that was the negating factor when they were debating COBD (cause of Bardiyas death before))

I’m pretty sure the beak thing is actually real though, so many people have corroborated it. The beast only showed up while people were panicking

Man I wouldn’t be surprised if this conversation with Samium we’re seeing over the logic thing concluded with Su pushing him out the window. my rationale towards this is would that be fucking crazy or what

So, this sounds like it's coming from way off in the distance-- Like really far down the hall, or behind a wall, or something. Now, I'm getting a really bad vibe at this point,

Have i mentioned yet how much I love fang

Ann says we should just gun it." Anna's eyes narrowed slightly at her name being shortened, but didn't interject.

Have i mentioned yet how much i LOVE fang

I said something stupid about hiding up in the armory, maybe grabbing some of the grenades, so we went all the way up

they are addicted to those grenades

If Ptolema thinks the beast is fake then I believe that it's fake. She’s consistently proven to have the best observational skills of the entire group, picking things up that other people don’t see. As she says, she's got the mind of a surgeon. She knows how a body is meant to be built and interact with its environment. Believe women!!!! Ema sweep!!!!

Can I be honest. Creepy children’s stories scare me so much and I could barely get through that one barn quest in Cyberpunk 2077 and this children's slideshow with the piglet is reminding me of that. I literally couldn’t sleep for a few days after playing that. Anyway. Animal Farm? because there is a farm with animals

no i'm being deadass was that an animal farm redux. it felt like an animal farm redux

It would be so funny if Fang acted the way they do because something was wrong with them. But it would be even funnier if they're just like this

[aroace-poly-show]

more oc lore dump

up next is ebony and ghost boy!! theyre (probably) the shortest section so im gonna do them next :D

(i also finally found 2 names i like for ghost boy: rowan and lesley, if you reading have a preference lemme know itll help me decide lmao, for now i think ill go with lesley for this post so i dont have to keep calling him ghost kid but it will be subject to change)

ebony and lesley live in a fairly average sized town inspired by a post i saw at some point that was something like "rainy town but instead of being gloomy they embrace it and have celebrations and stuff". thats literally this town. they love the constant rain and its really nice. its actually a bad omen to them if it doesn't rain for an extended period of time. umbrellas are the most common thing you'll see around here, people without an umbrella or some kind of rain attire will sometimes get the side-eye, its an obvious indicator you're not from around here. theres yearly festivals for various holidays with everybody out in the streets with special fancy umbrellas and rain coats and its really fun. theres some folks who are skeptical towards outsiders, but the town in general is mostly welcoming. they are somewhat superstitious though.

ebony and lesley specifically live in this old library. its suprsingly big for a place not many people visit. people don't visit very often mostly because a good chunk of people still think its abandoned. some people heard it was also haunted so most people avoid it. ebony doesn't mind, she doesn't have the best social skills and doesn't fare too well in crowded areas, so shes happy being alone most of the time. nothing makes her happier than sitting in her library with just the sound of the rain and reading her favorite book by some candlelight. she has lesley for company if she ever gets lonely, so she's doing just fine.

ebony is this spider girl from a different area. (like i said, her design is really similar to muffet from undertale) she's a bit short for a female spider, but thats because, like i mentioned, shes trans!! like irl, most spider males are significantly shorter than the girls, but ebony was lucky and ended up being pretty tall compared to her brothers. she often wears boots and shoes that give her another couple of inches and help her feel more comfortable in her own skin. her family was pretty overbearing in general, and didn't react very well to her coming out. she grew up very sheltered and didn't know why she wasn't comfortable being referred to as a boy until she was much older. she decided to move out so she could be more independent, but still has a lot of anxiety about living by herself mostly. she also now lives in an area shes not adjusted to since she used to live in a much warmer climate, so she tends to get sick easier. she met dorian when he came into town one day and he quickly became friends with her. he regularly visits her and brings lots of medicinal herbs and shit everytime he does!! she's really happy to have a friend aside from lesley, and always looks forwards to his visits.

lesley is a little ghost kid that haunts the library. the library was built on where his house used to be. his house burned down on one of those rare days where it didn't rain. stuff like this happens alot on days it doesn't rain, so it further proves people's suspicions about a non-rainy day being unlucky. didn't help that his birthday was on a day without rain, which they also consider unlucky. poor kid :( he has a little paper crown though, and hes really happy to have ebony as a friend. hes been alone for a long time, which he hated, and even though ebony gets tired of him sometimes (he likes being a little shit) he loves the fact hes not alone anymore. he likes to pull pranks especially on strangers who come into the library, and is generally really mischievous. he can be really nice though. always helps ebony organize the books and in return she'll play a game he wants. they have alot of fun together, and he looks up to her like a big sister.

ebony met lesley when she first moved into the town. it had been raining particularly hard that day, and she wasn't prepared for it at all. she took shelter in the then abandoned library, and lesely gets really excited!! people haven't come to visit in foreverrrr so he pops out to say hi, unfortunately scaring the living hell out of poor ebony. ebony didn't want to go back outside though, unless she gets even more sick than she was probably going to be, so she said she'll stay until the rain gets lighter. then she found out the library had been relatively abandoned for years, and lesley had been alone for nearly that entire time. she felt bad, and told him she'd visit him. turns out she actually really liked how cozy and quiet the place was, and decided to make her home there instead :D

i think thats it for their general story? again if i have any revisions ill update it.

notes:

as ebony is a spider girl, she enjoys snacking on bugs. since no one had been taking care of the library, some bugs happened to make their home there. free food for ebony lol. dorian will sometimes brings some edible bugs for her from wherever he visits. he gets kinda freaked out by it, but hes happy to give ebony a gift.

lesley is freakishly good at board games. ebony has won, maybe once or twice in the hundreds of times they've played together. he brags about it all. the. time. hes very proud of himself.

they both have a pretty big sweet tooth. for lesley's birthday she got him a shit ton of various sweets and god he was so happy. didn't pull a prank once that day! ebony now knows she can bribe him into not pulling any pranks if she gives him sweets. (yes hes a ghost and yes he can eat stuff hes a dead child let him have this)

ebony does lots of bedtime stories for lesley. he loves them and she thinks its so sweet how happy he always is. <3

eveytime i say its a short infodump it ends up being so much more than ithought. jesus. this is rlly fun though :D really love getting to infodump about my ocs hehehehe

[evermoremoremore]

why am i so fukcing miserable and pathetic why do i have to be so stupid on new year's eve i didn't go to my improv group's newyears party thing so I'm just here at home and my stupid mom decided that we should clean out all my old childhood book and notebooks NOW and she started talking to me about my grades and oh mygd i cant take it anymore I'm so lonely i started crying and i wanna do something but i feel like no one fuckign wants me to do anything so I'm just crying in my room at 8 pm happy goddamned new years i hate everything i don twnt to spend new years doing nothing but i don't wanna be with my parents but i wanna do stuff with them I'm gonna throw up and scream i hate myself so much lord almighty i wish i could do something with someone god this sucks i hate myself so much why do i have to think this way I'm so insufferable I'm so sorry to everyone who has to deal with me oh my gfucking god I'm crying so hard rn and i don't wanna go out and face my mom with my stupid miserable self bc i don't want her comforting i want to be alone but i don't GOD I HATE MYSELF SO FUCKING MUCH IM STUIPD AND INSUFFERABLE AND IDK HOW IM EVER GONNA LIVE PAST 18 SHIT SUCKS I HATEMYSLEF SO MUCH FUCK IT ALL FUCK IT ALL

[shiveringscarletsun]

long rant because i can:

ill forever feel the pain of not being who my parents would've wanted me to be. Always chasing hypothetical freedom when i can be myself. A freedom where the price is cutting every tie with everything i've ever been, everyone i've ever known. Thus I look at the present with the lens of the past. I can never truly enjoy or indulge in the fantasy of the present. It breaks me to never be here, anything built on a lie is never authentic, and i've never been real.

it hurts, choosing a "truthful" living with no backbone or a shaky backbone that can still hold the projections of me up. I have been meaning to vent about so many things, the words inside me are bubbling up and i'm genuinely suffocating by their sheer volume. I'm always in a state of melancholy, always. I can't stand up anymore.

I'll vent.. I need a peace of mind that will never come. my problems are fundamental and my enemy is time. I keep losing, not the big fights but the small core ones. every brick i put in my tower is faulty and i'm shaky and the core rots away.

I still wonder about my first love like a dumb kid, a huge part of me is so done with it, i'm so done with agonizing over a girl who never fucking thought of me the same. i'm tired of the delusions, i recognize them but i persist. it was an inciting incident, one without proper closure too, so i understand why i remained there, but i just wish she'd come out of the blue and tell me with great detail what she thought of the whole thing. tell me exactly every point where she thought i wasn't worth staying for. tell me if i was indeed delusional or what we had was as monumental as i felt. tell me if a part of her hated me and was glad to leave. she ruined the moon for me at this point, though i'd still want closure, what a weak person that who ghosts. was she straight all along? which would be fine cuz we were literally kids, i wish she was braver to speak, i wish i was smarter to see. first rant over.

second rant simplified is my state with friendships currently. i dont think i have real friends despite my utmost efforts in cultivating genuine human connection. im likable i know that, and i am not a loner either, its just that i recognize that i'll never be a priority to a "friend". they all think of friendship as something secondary if not less, families and lovers always come first, but not to me, i'm there. i think that's my fundamental issue, i'm always the one who stays. through this lens now i can only view those around me as ingenuine and borderline hypocritical. the anger that comes from this is dangerous. i could truly drive everyone away if i continue with the anger but i also hate living like this, giving my whole away for crumbs.. temporary crumbs. what if no one is ever interested in me (my thoughts and personhood) ever? i dont know how to stop feeling like everyone despises me or worse is indifferent to me, its a weird feeling that i've never felt to such a broad extent before.

third rant is i cannot keep living in the shadow of my true self any longer.. if i dont get out by next year im so gonna kms. its unfathomable that im STILL having fights about refusing marriage and at some point i will slip and reveal the truth (that day will be my funeral ofc). I'll deal with the pain of losing everyone i've ever known and loved to my gayness when i DO actually get out i just need out. i don't remember my days and i never express myself because i dont present the way that i believe i am, thus why i dont exist in public. i only exist in my room at 2 am. that's a lonely if not pathetic existence and i'll reach mid twenties soon.. i can't continue being a ghost... my life is literally slipping away behind my mask.

i have so much more to rant about but hey my country is free from the dictator for now so i guess there's something to be half happy about. i wish i personally was free too.. i hope so. i wish i was loved. truly deeply unconditionally and unambiguously, a love where i dont have to wonder, a love where i dont have to calculate.

[bpdonni]

im falling apart and i dont know if i can fix it.

ive never felt worse in my life. ive been in the psych ward twice, but those times don't hold a candle to now.

i cant afford to live. i cant afford to die. my family can see that im struggling-the very ugly and worst parts of myself are on full blast. im hurting everyone, especially cedric. he's just trying to keep everything afloat, but im too busy in my own head to do what i need to in order to make up for it. most people who interact with me hate me. i always wondered why, but as i lay around in this ball ive been in all day, im realizing that everything i was put through was too much. it made me into a monster. im always mooching off my mom and brother but they hardly ever even message me anymore. my own fucking father hates me. my best friend in the world got tired of my shit. ive become tired of trying, so i only really try at the one thing that keeps me useful at all. the only thing that is keeping me alive, but killing me even more: work. i like my job! but its lonely because of the night shift, and that im too awkward to try to make any friends there.

my coping mechanisms are further dragging me down. ordering food when we can't afford it at all. hypersexuality. self-isolation. it's making me a selfish, horrible person. but was i ever not a shitty person? i don't think so. all i have to offer anymore is the money i make that very barely keeps us afloat. and i keep going to the train station, but i just... can't end it. i want to. but i can't bring myself to do it. whether it's because of the stop being crowded, or chickening out, or realizing me dying won't actually lessen the load on my family... i know this last point to be true in theory, but what good am i doing here? i dont have the energy to be the parent i need to be. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE A PARENT I LOVE THEM I SHOULDN'T FEEL LIKE THIS BUT WHY DID THEY DO THIS TO ME WHY THE DUCK AN I THE ONE PICKING UP THE PIECES IM BIPOLAR AND BPD IM DOOMED BY THE MOTHERFUCKING NARRATIVE WHY ME WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY IM DESTINED TO KILL MYSELF IM NOT GONNA LIVE PAST 30 SO WHY AM I THE FUCKING ONE WHO HAS TO DO THIS WHY COULDN'T THEY STAY OFF METH WHY DO THEY REFUSE TO LOVE ME- ah i can't blame them on that last part i hate me too. that's in large part their fault. and the part of my life that i cling to, the one thing i know for certain: my queerness. i love it but why couldn't it be something that you know people liked? so many people voted for donald fucking trump so they could see people like me kill themselves for their comfort? why do i need to be the bigger person and deal with it? i can barely think of anything else besides death, WHY? my baby polar bear. it occurred to me that i think she was actually only 10 or 11. what did i do wrong? i know the answer to that. couldn't afford to take her to the vet when i KNEW something was wrong? now instead of paying back the vet, im drowning in the costs to cremate her. god, i cant get her face out of my mind. i tried to close her eyes, her mouth, but rigor mortis had set in too much. i could smell the death on her not quite breath. i took the responsibility of making sure the kids and my partners didn't have to see that. i wish she hadn't been alone. i wish that i had checked her cage as soon as i came home. god, the smell of death is one that you never forget. i can still smell it now. from when i saw the decapitated corpse and her sloughing skin, to boo boo... this is the most raw look of death ive ever seen, two instances in the past couple of months. it's gross, it's ugly, it's scary. so why do i want to be dead so bad? why do i want to do this to everyone i love? why can't people see that im in complete fucking ruin? it's starting to become pretty apparent now, but still. i can't really... get this out. because if i tell anyone the extent, my trips to the train station, typing my legal information in my phone when i forgot to bring my id, because i was so sure that time that i was going to do it. ive also been staring longingly out the window of the 7th floor at work, thinking about taking the elevator to the 10th floor and jumping. it'd be a nice view before i go at least. i could also take all the pills in the house (except the others prescriptions.) weve got all these huge bottles of tylenol- talked to my husband. theyre making me a grilled cheese.

[barbatos-sama]

questions and fears i have about this new potential life i'd have:

• i worry in general about the cats because my dad was upset about "animal hoarding" during the fight and i worry he'd want to get rid of animals or something. my mom can't take any animals with her because of my sister's pitbulls so she can't even take her dog with her, she's devastated that she'll be separated from her dog and she says she's gonna have to give him to my grandma. the dog'll be devastated too because he has bad separation anxiety for her and already cries the whole day she's at work so as much as i don't like the guy i feel sorry for him because the poor thing might die of heartbreak. i would hope he wouldn't make us get rid of any cats because he's attached to them, especially to gizmo. i would genuinely hate that man if he made me give up any of my cats but im Pretty sure he's not evil enough to do that

• i'm gonna have to scoop all six litter boxes OTL i can barely take care of my own personal hygiene right now let alone that

• is he gonna go shopping? he hates going outside and doesn't leave the house almost every day like my mom does so we won't have groceries nearly as often. we've never been one of those families who gets groceries once a week or on a schedule or anything so like if i run out of one of my safe foods am i gonna have to wait days to get it? speaking of food i'm not gonna be able to get fast food really anymore because my mom won't be able to bring it to me and my dad won't want to ): i know it seems like a trivial thing but food is a big deal to someone with arfid

• is he gonna expect me to clean? like yeah my mom is too lazy to clean most of the time but she's still the one that cleans more often than he does. i've honestly Wanted to start doing more around the house bc i feel like a parasite and i want to pull my weight (even tho i hate cleaning up other ppls messes) but like i said im so depressed i can barely do Anything lately

• when my mom said that i would want to live with him he snapped back "marshals gonna live with whoever she wants to live with" meaning he might be Expecting im gonna move out or he might kick me out of the house or something and i just cannot handle that, like if he expects me to move out im gonna tell him i'll kill myself because truly i probably would, this house is all ive ever known and i just cannot leave

• my mom's car barely runs and she won't be able to afford to get a new one. it leaks out toxic smelling fumes and i worry breathing it in is unhealthy for her

• corbyn's life is also gonna change drastically cause he's used to being over here like half the time so he also loves this house and i doubt my dad would want to babysit him anymore. meaning my sister will have to find a babysitter since despite my mom living at my sisters she's gonna have to go to work so Someone's gotta take corbyn yknow. so that's gonna financially effect my sister as well. and i doubt he's gonna understand what's going on because he's allergic to listening to people and taking in information so he'll probably be asking to come over to "grandma's house" constantly not understanding that it's not her house anymore

• i'm just gonna be lonely without my mom. simple as that. it's a complete disruption of my routine. my mom also brought up her moving in with grandma and i was like you cant do that you cant move an hour away ):

[keefwho]

August 28 - 2024 Wednesday

10:16pm

6/10

Today has been day 1 of 2 that I am spending entirely in VRchat alone. That includes no social media or messaging. It went a lot faster than I thought.

When I woke up I had planned to do my workout and stuff but I was so tired, I slept in for another hour under the condition I would do my chores afterwards. I think the only reason I actually did this is because I knew I had no real schedule today so I couldn't be late for anything. After my sleep in I did do my workout and I cleaned my windows/curtains which really needed it. I took my shower and made tuna macaroni for breakfast. I dont know what it is but the tuna macaroni lately has been kinda nasty. I think I got some bad cans because the texture is not like it was before. Its a bit unappetizing. And maybe this really does belong as spaghetti as opposed to macaroni noodles or shells. After breakfast I finally got in VR until lunch.

First a played some of that fruit combination game to loosen up and then I focused on exploring and ruminating in old old worlds from my past. Cafe Le Blanc was my first choice and it was a good start. I did a couple others before focusing on my own worlds which is where it really started getting good. I was doing all this with the intention of summoning as many memories as I could along the way and sort of putting myself back in the past. I successfully did that and had some good thoughts along the way. First I remembered that quote I heard once. Something like "you can visit the past but no one is there." What I got from that is you can be in the past all you want but its true, no one is there and they cannot be. My memories are a lonely place which helps me stay more in the moment where people currently are. Not to say the past should be forgotten. I just have a bad habit of living in it thinking it's more relevant than it is. I was thinking a lot about TDS and RS and PZ and all the memories I had with others in that group. I remembered the good times but also the bad. I cannot forget that most of my time spent with them was full of resentment because I didn't belong, I was only fitting in. It showed in all the content I made for them and the friends associated. I remember almost all of it being a drag, taking a long time because I'd burn myself out on it. All because I wanted their approval and friendship. I had to earn it I felt.

In the Shygal Emporium while looking at all the outfits I'd made, I realized how expressive I was with that avatar. The outfits weren't meant to serve others when I made them. They were all ways for me to express myself and my own interests. And I got creative. It made me wonder where along the way I lost that because I'm not so in touch with it anymore. Perhaps at some point long ago I was a little better at being myself than I thought. Maybe better than I am now. I just wasn't aware of it like I am now. And on the topic of expression, visiting all my worlds in detail made me see how expressive I still am despite not feeling like it sometimes. I've made a lot of well crafted and creative things. I believe DS when she says she always looks forward to seeing my worlds. Not that I didn't before, but it hit me harder today.

I started taking some pretty good pictures. I can see why some people like photography. Maybe it was the amount I started paying attention in general but I would see a composition and want to capture it, also with myself in it. Im gonna have a whole small gallery to share after tomorrow.

I thought I'd feel lonely today but it was the opposite. The more I got to sit with myself and remember the things I've done, the more I started to feel connected with people that aren't here right now. Then I remembered the entire statement of my Tower of Worth world. The whole point of that was to symbolize that you had to earn your own self worth in order to connect with others. After I made that climb again and hung up there for awhile, I understood again. Thats part of what this little experiment is about too, to connect a little bit more with myself in a way that fits who I am.

I was originally afraid to try this VR thing and I had to figure out why. I know in my pain I find my values, in this case I fear because I have something to lose. I think I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to do it, and I want to be able to be alone like this. I want to be able to tell someone I'm going on a small self seeking journey and actually do it. I was also a little disappointed at missing out on a potential evening with DS but again, I know I want to be someone who is okay with that. I want to exhibit that kind of strength and trust. So decided to take the plunge and do it, it is only 2 days after all. It feels better that it's of my own volition too as opposed to being forced to be alone like when the power was out.

Overall so far I have benefitted from the alone time. It made me think that maybe I need more me time on a day to day basis. I have plenty of opportunities for it but I usually don't treat it like I should. I often stress about when I'll get to see someone again and wait for them or I'll feel some other kind of pressure about getting things done. I didn't have any of that today and it feels like I've replenished something necessary. Even when I worked on that commission for an hour, I was weirdly in the zone.