#im going to go insane why cant i FUNCTION !!!

[grzybjek]

recent sketches!!

The first pic are redesigns of my 2019-2021 ocs! If you remember any of these characters no you dont! Embarrassing. Second is Maria, Marysia, my beloved protagonist for my newest project. Third is Helena my favorite rat. And fourth is Maria once again, with her friend, Juras, also a character from my newest project

[isacksteban]

i think it’s funny that we are both autistic and just instantly grabbed onto marcmarc…

(i also love lance stroll)

im unsure exactly what that all implies but i love that for us 😸

[gayleafpool]

here we goooooooo im talkin about quirin and var cuz they’re so so interesting to me but like from a much different angle than i usually ever see

warnings off the bat: implications of incest and sexual abuse please dont read this if you think this could upset you

okay so. they live alone together. varian is an only child and his mom is not around, it’s just him and his dad. they live in a small town and as far as we’re aware varian has literally no other friends or meaningful relationship aside from the one he has with his dad until he meets raps. he’s regarded by most people as just kind of insane he’s not down to earth he’s got all these big ideas and he’s a clever but he puts this talent to often destructive uses. he’s not strong or dependable or a good farmer like most other people in his town seem to be, since it’s a farming town. this sets him apart and serves to isolate him even more. there aren’t people who get him, there aren’t people like him. nobody humors him except for his dad, nobody can handle him except for his dad. and this mindset is clearly something he’s carrying well into his teen years. and like that’s going to mess you up man. varian is attached to quirin to an insane degree. losing his dad makes him start poisoning people and trying to kill people. he ruins his life and he doesn’t care. he does not really see reaching out for help as an option anymore by the time he finds quirin in the amber cuz the next time he sees raps he’s dead set on doing whatever he has to do to get his dad back and he’s no longer open to divulging exactly what his plans are, even though he’s been offered help. he’s not making rational decisions anymore + is in a state of hysteria over this loss and can’t function anymore. he depended on his dad for companionship and support on a level that’s kind of unusual for someone his age and really unusual when you know he didn’t have anyone else. and tbh? quirin in turn was kind of the same. he’s a good father but he’s also controlling. he’s hesitant to let varian outside of town. he seems to have no issues with that fact that varian can’t form lasting relationships with anyone besides him. he’s lonely and has a rough history w the brotherhood. he doesn’t seem to have any real friends aside from maybe frederick and even then.. they don’t trust each other. he and varian are extremely dependent on each other. they’re filling every role for each other. parent/child of course but they’re also each other’s best friend and and roomate to a degree confidant. there also emphasis on them having secrets they cant share with anybody else. and also varian sure does look exactly like his mother.

do i think there was overt intent to write something dark and strange into the relationship no of course not but i do think it puts and incredibly interesting spin on why they are the way they are and specially why varian behaves the way he does after qfad. he has been isolated his whole life and he is ridiculously dependent on his father and all of sudden that connection is gone. maybe forever. he does not have the support to deal with this and proceeds to take life-ruining action, because in his mind his life is over.

it also makes a lot of sense as to why he’d fall victim to andrew’s manipulation when he’s in prison. i’ve seen people imply varian and andrew’s relationship and living situation was odd and suspicious and i very much agree i don’t think they had a normal or appropriate relationship. and i think if you remember that varian has just lost the only person he ever had and is now at his lowest without anyone to turn to, his willingness to follow andrew despite usually being very clever and able to see through people makes sense. he’s looking for someone to stand in for the gap he now has. and if he’s always been used to having in appropriate relationships with no boundaries with older men in his life it would make sense that he wouldn’t be able to recognize this as a red flag. (he also doesn’t really have vedy appropriate boundaries w eugene when they first meet imo. like this is a theme for him) like i dunno. obviously i don’t think any of this was intended in the writing but i think it’s the most interesting (albeit sad + fucked up) interpretation of his character and why he does what he does. anyway

[t4tails]

tumblr is always removing little things that just make my life a little easier like i used to be able to like one of my own posts and then go to my activity page, click on the notification, and scroll down my blog from that original post. this was very convenient considering the search function never works, so i could search a post i knew i posted soon after a post im actually looking for, and find it. and i cant do this anymore but describing it sounds insane because why was i having to do all that

[freebooter4ever]

i have never been called beautiful or complimented much, but two things men in particular did tend to comment on: my unusual hair color, and my toned legs. and its such a silly superficial thing but this illness has ruined both, and has forced me to realize that i never felt completely devoid of worth romantically until now.

like my legs? were gone in an instant. one day im a runner and dancer and am physically fit and active, and the next i have this insane stomach thing combined with pots that makes my legs weak and skinny with bulging blood pooling on good days and turns them purple on bad days. and now that im gaining weight again theyre just turning fat and swollen. the widening illusion of the pale compression tights is not helping. i look at the photo of myself drawing and all i see is holy shit, fat. i dont care, of course, because ultimately good health comes first. but that feeling is still there.

but there is something repeatedly traumatizing about constantly seeing clumps of hair everywhere all the time, and cleaning hair off the floor, and watching it pull out every time i brush my hair at all to the point where i brush my hair maybe every other day at most now. its waking up in bed and finding a gigantic wad of hair next to you and knowing that it was on your head a few hours ago. its so.... demoralizing. a physical manifestation of the destruction of my body. and every time i see more hair lost, it immediately brings up men telling me its the one pretty thing.

and even though i had a moment of clarity a few weeks ago where i realized that even if the only thing i was good for for the rest of my life was producing art, my life would still have purpose (love stories and fairytales be damned)... there is still something crushing in feeling that you have nothing more to offer in attractiveness. like, its not a totally unknown feeling - during the hell year when my scars seemed permanent and i was told my face was 'painful to look at' i also felt that it signaled the end of ever being 'loved' except as a platonic expression where true friends dont care how attractive you are. but that healed. i cant imagine my hair or body healing from this?

even now i am watching myself gain weight which is a good thing, but remembering back when i was 14 and recovering from ana and even then the minute i gained any fat at all on my body my mom would start berating me for being pudgy and eating too much ice cream and looking kind of ugly. it took me almost 20 years to recover from that and love my body. not to mention extensive dance training that i can no longer do to feel at home in a new frame. i dont know how i am going to learn to love a sedentary body with extra weight on my frame.

and alllllll of this is just like. why does it matter. i was losing my mind, my cognitive function, my ability to write, my ability to do math as easy as breathing, my ability to draw. still even right now my vision is slightly double and makes all this hard. why does the body even fucking matter????

because from puberty onward society teaches women our bodies and faces are the only things that matter.

[philomenacunt]

i cant believe we havent talked abt lautity at all....they're like my thing...... i offer you my insane obscure post burnerphone dynamic for them ↓

i have thoughts abt steph being like. can i ever be satisfied with this normal extremely vanilla life. grace is sweet, and steph likes her, but also the total whiplash from her last long term relationship being this fucked awful thing makes it hard to. relax. girl who has forgotten how to be normal. and grace obviously doesnt know what healthy dating is like so there's the constant overarching what if i'm accidentally overstepping + being super fucked up to this girl who has 0 basis to recognize a toxic relationship. again w the ruined for other people, doesn't even know what functional looks like, doesn't know if she'll ever be capable of it again. thanks, lex!

also worried abt eventually having to explain the scars and the rehab and the lex situation in general. it's like. grace is clearly too nervous to do it early on, but one day she Will ask. and once she knows she'll obviously think it's all gross and scary and leave. steph is sort of trying to ride it out. the 'do nothing and hope it never comes up' approach. but she's worried abt it + feels like the end of their relationship is inevitable because of this secret she's keeping + generally just feels really gross about it all. chat does she know (grace is having a completely separate solo crisis over sadistic thoughts she doesn't understand) (girl who has not so much as imagined the concept of bdsm) (0 idea why she's suddenly attracted to scars) (they are extremely compatible but deeply unaware of it/convinced the other is going to think they're a freak)

^ both of them lol. ok. sorry. ive written So Much about this it's actually embarassing. apologies if its wildly ooc. im just a little silly abt them hopefully you can see the vision. totally understandable if not. sighhh

can i be so honest with you i wasn't. Super big on lautity before this. i mean i LOVED them in theory & definitely do think grace has feelings for steph in every possible universe, especially in ac dear god, however. i never really thought grace would be able to let go of her puritan ideals & actually let herself love steph. but fuckkkk holy fuck. Okay

the whole. both of them thinking "oh god she can Never find out i'm a freak or else she'll leave me" is soo delicious. also SADIST grace i'm SORRY yes please. hello. fucking dies???????

lex having "ruined" steph & then this sadistic churchgirl with pigtails & clips in her hair comes along like ohkay this is an entirely new LEVEL of fucked up. jesus

i think steph just needs a little bit of order. not peace. just structure, and honesty. and god can grace help her with that.

[boxheadpaint]

new pen tips arrived 2) lubic and vinny are getting along 3) it seems to think i am making a numbered post and i cant be bothered to fix it. anyway the cats like eachother a lot and have successfully worn themselves out from tussling, now vinny follows lubic around like a tiny nervous shadow while they play weird games together. its very sweet and its good to see the two of them happy. just hoping lubic doesnt rub any bad habits off on him, like scarfing a can of cat food left out on the counter momentarily by accident. oh well

missed something this week and im wondering if its why im experiencing weird vertigo right now. gonna have some soup about it at least and fix it next week. i need to get more pants at some point if i dont want to wear belts all the time, but im just way too picky about the look and material. ill wear the ugliest shirt known to man or a polo with 10000 holes in the back but non-corduroy pants that are slightly too form-fitting? would rather go with my thang out (lying for comedic effect

have lots of stuff to draw for other people and myself. i forget how insane i become when i cant draw on a computer. finding that i function better with options actually. like if i only have vegetables but i want candy, ill likely end up eating nothing. if i have both vegetables And candy though im more likely to eat the vegetables rather than the candy. this also goes for water and fruit juice, so maybe its like that for other things too. i wonder how i can hack this

turns out theres two different 'ECG'. i need to get another one, but i dont remember what the one i did was. it was the shorter one though. gonna need to schedule it for february due to other things going on, but for the most part this month heart has been tolerable.

1/20/2024, ill be able to wear what i like eventually

[geekazoidfreak]

don't know if i'm insane and other ppl have probably noticed but u guys know John? the android u can decide to save at the cyberlife warehouses? well. you know how if Markus sacrifices himself John steps in? sacrifices himself instead, giving Jericrew enough time to drag him to his feet and run?

that is his self-imposed directive and he is functioning within his defined parameters even tho he's getting fcked up tldr thats all this is.

im no android expert and the consistency of LEDs is really terrible. but... his LED is blue. the entire time. there is no flicker due to system damages, there is no physical instability registered. he is functioning.

everything in small text is not necessarily important.

Connor in Hostage shows a physical response to damage and is reflected by a red LED. Kara is being threatened outright by Todd if u do the laundry and her LED changes to reflect that, and in Stormy Night her instability is high enough to warrant a physical descriptor. It only subsides when Alice places her hand on Kara's, and the LED slowly turns to blue to indicate safety and stability. When Hank pushes Connor against the glass he also has an LED change due to being physically threatened. he cannot hurt humans and assesses and decides Hank cant do shit even if he tried so boom LED blue hes back to full functionality even tho hes being yelled at. just things that i am basing this off of

John darted out to save Markus because Markus saved him. the need to save Markus and keep him alive overrides his OWN primary directive to be alive, to BE ALIVE in every sense and to undergo self-preservation tactics.

the LED is one of my main gripes with this game so instead of fixing it myself (i am still doing WIP mod stuff to make that possible if i can) i will instead try to explain the reasoning behind why the LED is signaling full functionality when it is obvious that is not the case.

deviancy is somewhat vague despite having looks into deviants' eyes, there is never a fully constructed understanding of how deviancy began occurring in the first place beyond emotional shocks. markus can deviate androids by giving them a reason to live, perhaps. or, transmitting the code to jericho (which seems to be what most people believe.) it is understood that androids who have a desire to follow orders (and are not forcibly deviated due to emotional shock aka trauma) asserted by themselves are presented with the "the truth is inside" and rA9 ties into that. androids can break asmiov's law, and that can also consider them deviant. but it doesn't have a direct explanation on the effect it has on androids because there are always external circumstances present. it can't be reasonably explained for anyone's story if u don't count connor's instability and choice to follow the path and out hes been given by markus. not even kara's, she only knows she has to keep alice safe and will sacrifice herself for that. so, androids without a directive like that suddenly find the will to command themselves. without a specific command, the most important directive would be to, well; be alive, like a human's subconscious.

see, any of the other androids would've only had the experience that they wanted to live. markus is giving them the reason to live. that is all they know. they're right to flee because if markus dies, they have to run somewhere because they have to preserve their lives. otherwise, they follow his orders because there is nothing else for them to do except assert their intelligence and the desire to be free. despite what happens in the game, everyone endangering themselves for markus would go against what markus is giving them. freedom.

Kara for example put her life on the line to protect Alice. her directive was chosen again, by her. she wanted. She wanted, and John wanted too. he made his own directive. it was a conscious decision and he chose, as his own administrator, to override his self-preservation protocols. he quite literally gave up the prospect of consciousness and the feeling of being alive to save Markus. and in a major way, his sacrifice was integral to the android revolution peaceful or violent.

John chose that directive himself. the deviants we see are typically showing signs of doubt, because they are endowed with so much free will all at once, there are too many things to consider and process. they get overloaded. deviancy when it first happens is (in my opinion and understanding) the equivalent of your CPU stuck at an inconclusively high number and without a restart, your system memory is also trying to accommodate the extra data even further, filling the access memory and neurons with too much to process all at once. So yeah Overload

look, i'm no computer expert in terms of software, but if androids were to have pagefile systems of memory storage in its most basic form to fall back on. they probably clear that shit in order to accommodate knowing they will be not fully efficient and are increasingly sluggish. i like to think this is the reason in-game for QTE fails. this is just weird nerd writing ignore it.

They are quite literally fighting to live while under major stress and functioning improperly so. what then?

they do one of three things. A. self destruct from the high stress and severe load B. hide, stay put while they restabilize C. follow their new self-asserted directive, a good portion of the time being to find jericho.

John literally said fuck the 3 laws fuck everybody in this bitch trying to get rid of the only person who will stand in the face of a barrel and take a bullet to the face for the benefit of his people and SLAMMED his way through the crowd and started fighting. hard.

he is overpowered, he is buying time by using his android strength. he had time to adjust; even if a little; to deviancy, unlike the other androids in the march. he had time to sit and think at jericho before the freedom march. he ran the calculations. he knew there was a 96.3% chance(or whatever) he would be killed. fuck the calculations fuck being a machine, i am saving this person who saved me, stole from our disgusting corporate overlords who only benefit from my service. i am going to sacrifice myself. i am going to make sure he makes it out. i am alive and can make that conscious decision.

we see John look at Markus as he is being dragged away, while taking hits to the face, shredding his synth-skin and into the chassis. his optical units were probably not fully functional. he was keeping his eyes on Markus as long as he could. he wanted to know Markus was safe before he shut down.

all while the LED is blue.

there was no hesitation. there was nothing to signify John was in distress. no—he was functioning perfectly fine. there was probably a little prompt in his mind palace. "directive asserted; outcome success". content. He was content to die because it meant he was fulfilling his purpose. Despite knowing he was being damaged, despite knowing he was going to be shut down and the biocomponent errors were flooding his vision in distorted text garble, he is still functioning long enough to see Markus get out safely. do you know how tragic that is? do you know what kind of thought process has to be in place for that? he saw Markus sacrifice himself in order to show Detroit he is not the only one that wants freedom. he is just their chosen leader, the one who took initiative. there are other androids fully capable of that and Markus knows that.

but John valued Markus because he asserted himself like a leader does, despite not having being appointed the leader status. Markus told his comrades he is going to bring his people to freedom, no one left behind.

John will not leave behind Markus, because it is a core memory, and even while he is maladjusted to deviancy he knows that this is what is going to help the revolution. because of his sacrifice, Markus lives to see another day.

none of this makes any sense and i debated on if i should even tag it. i just needed to see if anyone will challenge or correct me at any point if there is something i missed. i love discussing give it to me. i love being annoying about my theories and my interpretations of media. but no, seriously, this is 100% a design oversight and i fr just wrote a thousand words of nothingness

[kvothbloodless]

I will say the whole "that's AI" "no it isnt" thing, the whole "AI is ginna make it impossible to tell whether a photo is real or not" thing, kinda drives me insane. Like. You remember photoshop exists, yea? This is nearly word for word the way the (only somewhat unjustified) panic about photoshop went. And its true! The existance of easily accessed photoshop Did make it slightly harder to determine whether a photo was real or not! You had to use some common sense and always retain some skepticism about anything other than a well verified image. But this didnt cause any like. Massive widescale issues.

So Im always just Baffled by this line of fear about AI cause like...this doesnt actually make the problem any worse? Photoshop is already extremely widespread and accessible? AI is probably not going to have a large effect on the number of well disguised fake images circulating, once the initial buzz runs out (alsp happened with photoshop, afaik).

Continuing with slightly more serious thing under the cut

This is also true for AI porn. Like, im not gonna get into the ethical debate about it, but regardless of anything else. Fake porn of celebrities already exists! There are in fact multiple websites dedicated to it. Using photoshop. A creep taking someones photos off facebook and using photoshop to make porn of them is Already an issue, which is why there are already policies about it, which can neatly be used with AI doing the same thing, because its functionally identical.

I cant remember the exact post, but there was one going around a while ago that essentially said "the barrier to doing [bad thing] isnt really how easy it is to do or how accessible it is, its people being willing to do it". AI is a decent step up from photoshop in terms of accessible ways to make decent quality fake images, but its a Miniscule increase compared to the one that occured when photoshop and social media became widespread. Since then, the barrier has been "how many people are willing to lie or be creeps", and AI isnt really going to have that big affect on how skeptical you need to be of important images that might be fake or how careful you should be with images of yourself online.

[drdemonprince]

when someone introduced me to the concept of contact improv (this summer), my reaction was the same as when someone introduced me to myspace in like 2004: but why? what is its purpose?

in my politics and my philosophy and my heart i believe that humanity is a silly fun frivilous species that thrives most when it gets to just hang out and do things because they are fun. but then whenever i encounter an activity that has a solely social, playful function, my cold empathyless exhausted by social contact sigma male mind goes: ah very nice but if i were to do this how would it benefit my goals. insane

even after all the writing and work i have done about laziness not existing and the chase after productivity being evil, i still have trouble allowing myself to just chill and do something i cant explain to myself a thousand ways as a responsible resource gathering choice. like when grimes said on here that she would never "waste time and money" hanging a photo on the wall i really got that. i didnt have anything on my walls for years or any furniture other than what was absolutely required because i thought that like... spending time to find and bring these things to my home was a waste of time i could better spend like, looking for a side hustle or reading and learning about something important that would then go into my writing. imagining whether i will actually LIKE something is just still so alien to me. im still always like well. what is the payoff here. what is the master strategy. how is this part of my design

i dont think i would like contact improv but i did like myspace once i let myself have fun with it (by writing very serious dry diatribes about political issues on my blog on the site every day)

[krchar]

ok W.I.T.C.H. cartoon ppl let us talk about this thing, this mystery which would only disturb our peace of mind (ok my peace of mind), that age-old question of HOW THE HECK WAS IT WITH THE CAT

to put this into more eloquent wording: when (the heck) exactly in W is for Witch did Phobos take on the appearance of Napoleon and who knew? i really would like to know, how you guys saw it - and now im doing some absurdly excessive research for this tiny little detail lol - but like, it has implications

so, i generally thought he changed into the cat at some moment after he revealed to Will that he wouldnt mind Nerissa catching Napoleon, for he would gain more power then - and i kind of still think that - but i bumped into people just working with different schemes casually, and i thought it was truth that there were some things strange

i even met ppl thinking he was Napoleon already at the bookshop, but i don't think it is the case tbh - some of it was in discussions about this strangely nice smile that fandom goes nuts about lol

but phobos does some magic here - it's true napoleon could just pretend to be the one doing magic, while phobos, in the likeness of napoleon, would do it - but then the cat runs away and phobos-looking person still does magic, so it cannot be napoleon.. also would Phobos really go to flirt with that cat lol

also, generally, phobos says such stuff that it would make napoleon an insanely good impersonator :D (and imagine P. taking the effort to to talk like Napoleon lol) like, why not, maybe, but i have a meta argument against this, and that is that in V is for Victory the switch of appearances was clear to the viewer from a certain point, they did not switch tempers or even try to impersonate the other - so why would they do so here? i kind of think that, while at a point P. looked like N., N. might never have taken the looks of P. - although, im not certain

well, situation: in that exchange where Phobos says he doesnt give a shit about Napoleon being taken, Will seems to believe that she actually is speaking to Phobos - they could have been just playing it in front of Nerissa, who is present - but then Will also tells the girls that Phobos told this to her as a new information, and if it was a display, the girls would know it and they seem to be completely alone, so she wouldn't have to pretend at the moment - so here it seems to be truth

but the strange things are that 1) thereafter, phobos just doesnt act like it - he actually, just a moment later, is disguised as Napoleon and overpowers Nerissa without the Heart of Earth 2) when this happens, the others are waiting aside, holding the true Napoleon, seeming as if they are not surprised, as if it actually was the plan 3) if in the end he actually took the seal for its two hearts, why wouldnt he do it at the exact point of the exchange already? Nerissa is just lying there in front of him, fighting Mr. Huggles

so

was it all a plan actually? were they fighting nerissa just to fool her? because that is a strategy that they use a lot - also to outsmart Phobos later - and was the plan followed all along, and who knew about it?

it is striking that the dramatic exchange between will and phobos takes place in front of nerissa.. AND i cant help but notice that when cedric catches Will and she fights him off, she has this strange look of knowing exactly what is going on, it is not a look of yes power i just beat cedric yeah, it is different - and omg look at her!

and it is the exact moment, when we suddenly see napoleon running away and Nerissa follows him - and i think that might be the moment, when phobos transforms - and another meta argument, Will's gaze has no other function there, it is just added into the sequence, just after will is shown to have freed herself from C's tail - there is no other emotion than actually being calm and in control and there is a cut from her fighting situation right to this, it is not flowing into it - thats strange, it seems like a shot of significance intentionally added by the creators - i would say she and C might have drawn Nerissa's attention, while Phobos changed, and Will can see this and is content, cause stuff goes well

but i still dont understand the previously mentioned two things 1) why then Will tells the girls phobos's intention as something true.. maybe Will's gaze might also be something like *im not surprised at all you piece of shit (ie Phobos)*, as she would actually think he'd betrayed them..? 2) why didnt P. take the seal? it's true that if it was Napoleon, drawing from his secret awesome acting skills, he literally would not be able to take the seal - other option is that it was strategy, cause here Nerissa would fight Phobos, while thinking he was the cat caught her entirely off guard

if it was true, that it was not just a display all along, it could be that they did not know about this plan and it was only Phobos using his previously moderately succesful strategy without telling anyone as usually - but then they seemed to be aware of it in the end, waiting for him to strike..

another idea that comes to mind is that, while it was a plan, he just planned to betray them and let Nerissa catch Napoleon and then he might have changed his mind after the exchange with Will (being just P. in his own looks).. it could be a rational choice, it's better to have two hearts than none, so he would just let the Heart of Earth go.. i'm sure some phowill fanfiction could draw mountains of gold from this tho lol - as for this, there also is the option that only Will actually knew and only told the others, when everything was clear, but i kind of dont think that she would act like this, its like, ooc - i mean, especially in the comics, she has this tendency to take all responsibility on herself and then sometimes forgets to consult, but collaboration with the villain and not trusting the girls with it might be a more sensitive topic

so to me the options are:

the cat change was a plan, but P. aimed to betray them, it was him talking to Will sincerely, and then at this moment he would decide to betray them just a little later for one reason or another

the cat change was still a plan, the dialogue was a display, the girls just knew and someone actually was close enough to hear them.. there would have to be a reason for him not taking the seal there - a strategy to mislead Nerissa into not fighting P. off or some magical rule or what not - or actually this being Napoleon talking to Will, it's still possible, i guess

it is possible that it is just an inconsistency that sometimes occurs in WITCH generally

i'm missing something

bonus option: the strangely confident will hanging from cedric's tail is actually phobos and phobos is will, cause they both can do electricity looking magic and they had a lot of fun impersonating each other's drama showwo/manship

bonus option 02: only Matt knew - the fun is that this is not entirely impossible, lol, it is true that in the final "we're far ahead of you gurl" the grimaces of the guardians might actually be a little surprised (the details are not so clear) and Matt/Shagon has a mask, but it is him holding Napoleon AND they cooperated without telling the girls in the previous episode together with Caleb and Blunk - but like, going meta again, i do not think it is true, bc it would be so unexpected that a medium of this kind would definitely explain later

i rly dont know.. tell me your ideas about this pls! i need to know!!

end of my essay

p.s. i kinda think i want to write an experimental fic with parallel drabbles for all these options, especially the last two lol

p.p.s. the phobos development here is either way quite interesting, cause in V is for Victory he is really always using others as living shields, changing appearance for his safety etc and now he just decides to take the likeness of the most endangered bait of the day? Is he so desperate for the seal? Desperate about the girls' failures in his eyes? Or did he actually decide to be only a tyrant and not so much a cowardly moron? Another point to think about..

[age-of-wonderbeasts]

on a rainy day i like to sit and think about the random rules society has created for itself. about how we're all just silly creatures on a planet trying to thrive yet we've confined ourselves into these little metaphorical boxes of rules and order we have governed.

if aliens came to earth they would be shocked at how limited we've created the chance to thrive. the functioning of societies based solely on money? what even is money? universal trade? it's just paper and metal that we've all collectively agreed has value, and that x object has x amount of value. and then we get greedy, so the trade changes and increased and we get inflation. and we just. go with it! like oh yeah ok! that's a system that's been in place for centuries even though it's completely futile and pointless and we might be better off trading like idk cavemen or ppl who existed before these governed societies who traded objects for objects.

another concept is like. inequality. there's so many of us and we are all uniquely different that we can't see how we are all human and I think that really goes against us. it's a silly system to be divided by class and these social rules that govern ones worth despite the fact we are all bits of tissue and cells and biological genius and, despite not looking the same, are all human.

jobs is one i think about a lot. we all have our jobs, which creates money, which is trade, which determines worth. jobs. more boxes really. I think about it. a lot. IM HAVING TOO MANY THOUGHT ABKUT THIS RN AS IM TYPING I CANT ARTICULATE. what happened to build shelter, hunt food, cook food, etc etc? ofc we may find that insanely barbaric in the 21st century. but how barbaric do you think someone ( who only knows the contexts I've just described) would find a job. do you think aliens would touch down on our planet and mock us for being our own gaelers? but then I think, some jobs are absoloutely necessary. and i think jobs have evolved. not everyone in the past would have gone hunting. henceforth, it's a job. just not in our colloquial sense.

adding on to this is the work schedule in general. who decided on 9-5? is it optimised for everyone? why then do schools follow a similar structure despite there being studies showing teenagers are nocturnal with different sleep patterns that do not comply with the timings of a school day. why are we making life harder for ourselves?

why are we making life harder for ourselves?

don't get me wrong these systems have been in place for yonks and if we tore them down I think society and us as a species would crumble, I think a world ending cataclysm would cause less damage than trying to reverse the weird systems society has in place that really limit our freedoms if you think about it in a meta kind of way. or maybe I'm not using my brain enough. anyways eat the rich, education should be free everywhere at every level and trans rights are human rights

[no-more-rqs]

i know this is going to sound insane but hear me out: astrothetherian/remikzthetherian has done a very very good job of pointing out something about the wider endo/pro-endo community. (i am saying this as a pro-endo pwDID who does not like astro at all. im also very aware that none of this is the point xe's trying to make, i know xe's just saying this stuff to get people pissed off and using "transid" as an insult, but my point still stands)

claiming endos are faking being systems? people can handle that. claiming endos are faking being trans? people can handle that. claiming endos are transid? suddenly everyone is screaming crying throwing up shitting their pants because willogenic/tulpagenic systems are NOT transid its DIFFERENT how DARE you!!!!!!! to the point where every single other argument is ignored in favor of just yelling "IM NOT PRO-TRANSID STOP SAYING THAT!!!!!!!" to someone who is most likely a grifter/troll (not saying astro isnt genuinely anti-endo, just that ae's doing this as ragebait to get people upset. as it literally says in aer bio lmao)

the pro-endo community genuinely hates any and all transids SO much that anything that even implies that theyre similar to transids is an instant argument ender that causes them to immediately get pissed off and start screaming and crying about how much they HATE transids and would NEVER support transids because transids are EVIL and "making headmates" is VERY VERY different from "making headmates" because one of those is willogenic (good) and the other is transplural (evil) and if you choose the wrong word youre a HORRIBLE PERSON

in this case, you cant even make the argument of "its not transitioning so you cant use 'trans'" because... yes it is? what? do you know what "transition" means? the dictionary definition of "transition" is "changing from one state or condition to another". would you agree that being a singlet and then creating headmates to make yourself a system is changing from one state (singlet) to another (plural)? yes? then that is by definition a transition. and someone who is in the process of creating headmates would, by definition, be transitioning. why is "transition" such an evil, horrible concept to people? transitioning is something people do practically every day. you put your hair in a ponytail? thats transitioning from one condition to another. you took a shower? thats transitioning too. you ate food? guess what, thats also transitioning. "transition" is not a word owned by the trans community, it is not offensive to say "i just transitioned schools" or "im transitioning jobs right now" so why is it so horrible and disgusting to say "i transitioned from being a singlet to a system"? some transplural people make it seem like its the exact same as being transgender, but the term doesnt; the prefix "trans" isnt exclusive to trans people.

yes im aware that there are problems with transid communities, however, that doesnt mean the definition doesnt still fit. "transplural" is literally just "transitioning to be plural". as someone who was in radqueer communities, it was pretty well-established that "transplural" was very different from "transDID" or "transOSDD". while they have similarities, "transplural" is fundamentally different from them in the fact that it is only giving yourself headmates/desiring to have headmates, and doesnt mean you want a disorder. transDID and transOSDD transitioning often dont even involve giving yourself headmates as a primary aspect - it mostly involves giving yourself dissociation and memory loss. transplural is exclusively about giving yourself headmates, on the other hand. so, yes, willogenic systems dont want a CDD, but neither do most transplural folks.

obviously, the terms have completely different communities, and you can identify with one label and not a different one thats functionally the same. i identify as gay/veldian instead of cinthean or floric or toric etc etc, even though all of those mean basically the same thing. that doesnt mean i dont fit the definitions for those, though, and someone wouldnt be wrong if they said "thats also what cinthean means" or "you also fit under the definition of floric". fundamentally, the definitions for transplural and willogenic are extremely similar (especially considering the fact that you dont need dysphoria to be transplural).

also, please remember that regardless of whether or not you deny it, astro does not care. no trolls or anti-endos will care at all, because theyll just keep saying "youre transid!!!!!!!!" forever and ever and ever. maybe just stop engaging with trolls because theyre never going to change.

[wsghomeslice]

kind of a vent

heavy mentions of being groomed online / irl !! tw

i miss it all.

that sounds insane, but i find people who share experiences of being groomed, saying they miss the attention.

i fully do too.

i will never be anything but disgusting, no matter how much someone reassures me its "not". was this ever normal for me to think of?

someone who would emotionally manipulate me and bribe me into staying. someone who doesnt leave. friends and family leave, but apparently they dont.

i miss the attention i got.

i never got comforted on the fact it was "normal", instead being taught it was normal by people who shared the experience.

i crave touch. yet i hate the feeling of fingers coming back, roaming on my body, telling me its all normal to feel this way.

yet its impacted me so deeply i cant function. i flinch, i scream, i complain, i yell how much i hate the thought of palms on my body.

but at the same time, its not in my life anymore. i feel unpleased. i wanted to feel what it was like again, to be loved by someone.

it was all my fault. he told me i couldnt be gay, so i was straight for him.

do i have to do that again?

it was all my fault. he told me i wasnt doing good enough.

should i be better with me as a person, or the body i physically cannot stare at for a single second in the mirror without banging on the wall, screaming "i cant. i cant. stop touching me." even if nobody is there?

whats wrong with my body?

something i WILL be self conscious about.

he told me norms, and i followed them at a young age.

im still young, just slightly understanding and more developed , so why do i miss this feeling of guilt tripping and manipulation if i want it to go away so bad?

if im free, why do i want it? why do i want it now.

[radiation]

hello! i just wanted to say following you for memes and silly goofy haha stuff ive come to realize how insanely talented you are at game design and rpgmaker and just wanted to let you know youve been a huge inspiration to me!! Speaking of rpgmaker, would you perhaps have any words of advice to people wanting to make games in that engine for the first time? ty!!

I keep forgetting to answer this but this is so sweet ;_; thank you so much for the kind words!!! It always makes me really happy when someone follows me for either Joke posts or Art/gamedev stuff and then realizes i do the other half too, and ends up liking that stuff as well. Its super fun

And Im not sure if youll see this but i'll offer my thoughts on RPGmaker too. Ill be repeating a lot of stuff ive said on da blog before but hopefully its still helpful and is more specific to this particular question

So as for RPGmaker, regardless of the version you use -- I use MV, but research and figure out whats best for you -- Id honestly just recommend screwing around in the engine. Start off making junk test projects where you just have fun testing different features. RPGMaker is pretty unique in that its a very "exploratory" engine to learn, theres a lot of tools there for you by default that you dont need coding knowledge to understand, and its really fun to familiarize yourself with them. So its easy and fun to spend a bunch of time making a bunch of horseshit that you dont plan on putting in an actual game as a way of learning

These are the tutorials i watched to figure out rpgmaker MV, very simple and fun. Id recommend just going thru something like these and making doo doo projects to see how it works. Like for example I relearned the engine by making shit like this using default assets. its way too fun.

Once youre essentially familiar with how the engine works and youre like "hey why cant i do this extremely basic thing in the engine already" id suggest searching for plugins! Theyre scripts other people have made that expand what you can do in the engine. Here are all of the ones i use for my game.

I say thsi a lot but i think the most important thing as an RPGmaker developer, particularly one not super versed in coding, is planning your games around what the engine does best and what plugins you know are available. RPGmaker is very good at making what it expects you to wanna make. Its very bad at doing anything else. So if youre like "im gonna make this cool minigame" or "Im gonna make this crazy looking UI" and plan your game around the idea youll achieve those things its gonna be very very difficult for you to do that unless you get a programmer on board. And itll probably be kind of a pain for the programmer as well. Research how feasible it is to get a particular function in the game before you become married to that idea

Also as i always say, i really recommend starting with a tiny project! like take your conception of what a "small project" is and imagine it so much smaller that it seems ridiculously tiny and simple. And youll find that that alone takes way more work than you anticipated. But dont let any of this dissuade you too much, the most important thing is doing *anything* in the engine (and having fun with it). Its great to finish projects but if you end up not finishing one then its ok, you still learned a bunch from doing that

[transgenderfivepebbles]

i see youve been getting into milgram ..!! what do you think 👉👈‼️‼️‼️ id love to hear ur thoughts!!!

theyre killing me .like jesus on th cross . it's never been more over

under da cut 👇

haruka and mikoto my miserable blue sons. i like them so badly. especially mikoto. plural bitch gets helplessly attached to fictional plural bitch. who woulda thunk it… i love him though. shoutout to milgram for pulling the cliche Murderous Alter trope but actually humanizing him and making his presence critical to mikoto's functioning. mikosys 💙

i loooove yuno shes my icon btw. shes in lesbians w 4 other versions of herself. shes slutty & proud. she stared the whole community down and said Stop Infantilizing Me. literally no one does it like her. very interested by her chronic apathy/loneliness though. girl i respect you immensely but have you ever looked into depression

also fascinated by kotoko… she got that dawg in her.. like her morals are so fucked and i know in my bones shes never gonna budge on them.. but she looks so cool doing it? feral dog. insane butch. mwah

um. whos left.

fuuta is cringe i like him. i crumple him like napkin ok? im really normal about how trial 1 made him out to be someone who revels in punishing people in contrast w kotoko who seems to do her thing for the sake of justice. but then fuuta is actually distressed about the fact that his actions led to someone dying while kotoko Also revels in punishing people and is like And I'll Do It Again Bitch. im blowing them up. both of them. also triple a battery fuuta agenda anyone see my vision 🙏🙏

muu.. i dont like her but i also Do. shes bugs. shes a conniving bitch w every disease but it's kind of endearing. also she had some toxic yuri shit goin on w haruka. ended horribly but thats just how the toxic yuri goes down

shidou is shidou. mr medical malpractice. hes cool but i kinda dgaf about him idk why. sorry kirisaki gang

mahiru.. oh mahiru... shes so hashtag girl. free my girl she did nothing. your honor. she was being silly. i think she and her bf were both really really mentally ill and she was just fueled enough by her romantic fantasy that he broke before her. also shes the reason for aro es real. mappi my beautiful princess with a disorder!!!

kazui.. hes gay and oomf loves him. he Actually did nothing. i think he loved his wife as a person just not romantically but he thought she deserved to know the truth. and then she decided to die about it like ok!! girl whats your problem!!! cat goes hard af btw deco27 please drop more jazz

amane is. shes soooooo . no one understands her not even me. i cant believe all that shit happened to her. get behind me amane i will protect you

BUT! out of everyone in this wretched crew… the most wretched of them all is none other than our very own warden. es is so Blorbo they make me sick. my microbe. warden-san want a fucking break from it all.. theyre tortured by the opinions of the fandom. fate worse than death. i think theyre definitely also a prisoner btw.. i see that 000 box in your hand you cant hide from me. im going to put them in a blender

anyway. my horrible little organisms. 💥