#im going to get judged so hard but ill do it. for the people. weirdly there’s some hear me outs I might keep to myself

[laniidae-passerine]

joked about doing a ‘hear me out’ cake with my girls and one of them genuinely jumped in with “benedict cumberbatch’…. BABY NO

[girlivealwaysbean]

sometimes i miss talking to that one person who didn't NEVER turned it into a competition about who has it worse and never told me well atleast you have [x]

[fagcrisis]

SPOILERS

so, as you all know i went into this with haterism in my heart. i dont trust neil gaiman to make a good series of television (and he didnt!) and i especially dont trust him to write good gay rep because ive read. literally everything hes ever written i know what hes like

i did however first read good omens the book the myth the legend at the tender age of 11 and im not ashamed to say watching this season made me legitimately insane. its very hard to formulate critical thoughts about this show when i just saw one of my favorite characters in literature ever gay kiss. BUT IM GOING TO TRY

first of all the plot is kind of nonsensical. the intrigue of what mightve happened to gabriel is interesting, but i do not feel like the eventual reveal of his relationship with beelzebub was set up in any manner. the only reason i spotted that beelzebub seemed weirdly fixated on finding him was because i saw spoilers about this plotline first and knew to expect it. i feel like because this obviously was not at all present in season one, aziraphale's investigation should have revealed a lot more about their relationship because as it stands, the main reason he went to edinburgh was to say the word grindr and have a flashback

the pressure and the villains this season didnt really feel, well real. the angels are bumbling idiots and while shax is initinally presented as somewhat competent, the demons also turn out to be kind of bumbling idiots. there is not really any danger presented to our protagonists, and the pressure to get maggie and nina together is also not really something that plays a role (due to muriel being a bumbling idiot), although that plotline i didnt actually hate but more on that later.

i still dont understand why the angels didnt recognize metatron when he was there at gabriels trial and he is like, as far as i can tell their boss. him being the sort of final villain/main villain of s3 possibly didnt feel like a reveal but thats bc ive seen supernatural and read his dark materials. its not a bad twist and i do feel like any urban fantasy involving christianity is inevitabely gonna end up at metatron being the final boss bc how are you gonna involve god and make him evil. supernatural nonwhitstanding they were smoking crack at that point. anyway i dont neccesarily hate him showing up but it was in somewhat of a weird manner.

ALSO people jumped to the conclusion that he wrote this season so quickly guys this is NOT supernatural u cant explain bad writing away diagetically

despite the bad writing me and @totopopopo had a great time and thats partially due to mental illness but its also due to the fact that tennant and sheen are, incredible. they absolutely carried this show, it was kind of an experiment in how much bad writing can these amazing actors make you forget about. they looked like they were having fun the whole time and they made me have fun too. despite my issues with the story i cant say i didnt have a ball on this bitch because watching michael sheen prance around and queen out while david tennant reprises his famous role in the ministry of silly walks and stares at aziraphale like he wants to eat him was basically everything ive ever needed in this show. i would watch these two say anything and id enjoy it

now onto their relationship and also maggie and nina, because i haven't slept well and have not been able to decide how i feel about this. i feel like their relationship was done well but thats like 80% due to the actors being good and only like 15% due to the script, the rest is all in my head. i did really enjoy the both of them getting deeply invested in these womens' lives for the sake of sort of vicariously living out their own desires, even if it felt a little bit rushed and also the talk they gave to crowley at the end was really funny and cute but it was also like, twitterspeak which annoyed me

overall i dont think i can be an objective judge of how it went because my head is literally just ineffable husbands gay moments compilation on loop atm. i liked it and i dont think it was like, offensive in any manner but i also do think its mostly on the actors understanding their characters very well

the final verdict is that if you dont care deeply about this story then its not really a must watch, it felt like a rushed season that needed a lot more episodes and time to breathe, as well as some fucking script revisions. however it is kind of fun and if your standards are not very high and you want to see david tennant sit on chairs in entirely new ways i recommend watching it with friends. if you do care deeply about this story however you will become insane

ps.: hes totally raphael

i woke up im normal now im going to try and gather my thoughts about gomens 2 coherently

[miioouu]

Okay the route goes like this (I might miss something but my brain wants to forget this memory so I don’t blame it.)

So seven (I think) suggested we open up a Rika circus so she can be liked

She was humiliated in the circus and shit

Her abusive parents were there

She was forced to marry the person who molested her as a child (why???)

Everyone in the RFA is gathering together and laughing and having fun, then you black out and see seven congratulating you while explaining what happened to Rika guilt trip style

Also that RFA gathering was a fake scene that’s supposed to make you think you got a good ending, it’s worse than the bad ends honestly

THIS IS AN ACTUAL ENDING

I’m sure I missed something but come on! This is already bad kshdk

Rika was sooooo abused, like, okay, she was an orphan, had mental illness, was bad at school, verbally abused by her parents, maybe even physical, apparently got molested as a child or something, some kid at the orphan told her to start the cult and got hit in the head with a beer bottle.

And what? Did she get hit by a bus while walking to Walmart too???

This is too much man, do you understand why people were furious with V’s after ending? Even people who didn’t even GET the judge ending was furious with how hard they tried to redeem Rika, V WASNT EVEN THERE HALF OF HIS AFTER ENDING-

Also Rika’s behind story was basically explaining how Rika’s life was so hard and she was so abused and this girl in the orphanage was the one who told her the idea so it’s not Rika’s fault ok

It is Rika’s fault, you’re really good at making round characters Cheritz, but redemption arcs... you’re horrible. That girl in the orphanages character only existed to take the blame from Rika. She has no other personality.

Also I really don’t mind the people who go like “it’s okay you don’t have to forgive me uwu” because IM that person shfjkd, I really do mean it that they don’t have to forgive me because if I do something I know they shouldn’t, so like I kinda know how he feels, but he just has really bad judging abilities, dude, stop putting all the burden on yourself and share it with the others, you’re breaking this group apart more by saying nothing, so please just let go and tell them the truth.

-🐱nonny who is very pissed at this after ending

A RIKA CIRCUS?! WHAT WAS GOING IN UN HIS HEAD SEVEN EIWNSIWNW

Hmm, i hate how cheritz described Rika. Described isn't the right word. But i hate how they thought that giving her all these problems is like an excuse to why she's acting that way. A lot of ppl who went through similar things, never end up like rika... Rika has a severe mental illness, i feel. It could be cause by all of those things that happened to her, but those aren't the prime reason yk? I don't know a lot about psychology, but this whole deal doesn't make any sense.

If they wanted to focus on rika so much,,, why didn't they give her a route on her own. People chose V, bc they want to be with him, they don't care about Rika and her shenanigans.

I dont mind people like that. But some of them (that could just be my personal experience) when they say things like that, it comes out as manipulative and they guilt trip you into staying with them, around them, even tho that's a very toxic environment. I think it all depends on the person and their intentions. I think they just wrote V weirdly a bit. Also, am i the only one who feels like the og mystic messenger routes are the best. Like i like V and saeran's route (well what ive seen of them) they give quite a good background for the characters and go deeply into the story. But something about the way it's written, and them as characters is a bit off. Idk.

[rqs902]

.

IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS 

ITS MY BOY ENYU!!!! ON THE FRONT PAGE???? okay also a big deal for zhaohao and li hao too!!!

ok now into part 2 of the ep

interesting that they focused on junhao for everybody. can understand he probably has the most different and struggle experience so probably more interesting for dramas sake lol im surprised they dont spend more time on shengen, considering his popularity. 

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA JUNHAO FREAKING OUT over the fact that they only learned the dance for 40 mins. LOL thats the level of tyger + kou cong + shengen, i can imagine the struggle of the yang guang nan hai group in comparison AHAHA i just imagine him running down the hall freaking out like HOW DID THEY LEARN THE DANCE IN JUST ONE CLASS WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE 

lollll “theyre all dachang boys” “theyre all zhang yixing’s students” HAHAHAH you know even though he is slightly struggling compared to the rest, he aint bad and theyre all taking it light hearted with laughter so seems like a good learning environment! and he’s confident he’ll get it LOL thats good! i think thats what makes him so amusing 

HAHAHA i love how lin mo just keeps giggling at junhao like he genuinely just finds him so amusing LOL yay for making new friends 

awww bc junhao’s always been a leader i feel like for him to finally feel like hes being taken care of is so nice. i have absolute confidence that this group will treat him kindly. AW HE CALLED HIM MOMO 

im still disappointed they have YET to show zhan yu’s funny/strange personality and this wouldve been a great opportunity bc hes surrounded by friends he’s comfortable with!! like his friendship with kou cong! or akey and lin mo! but sigh...

THEY PUT ZHAN YU IN THE FRONT FOR THE SEXUAL LINE HAHAHHA PERFECT BUT I SEE LIN MO BEING ONE OF THE ONLY ONES NOT SHOWING HIS ABS HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA

wow the lyrics are so fitting for lin mo to scream LOL but also ay his vocals?! aw im glad they put in a little rap for shengen and akey! honestly was kinda hoping for more bc they havent had a proper stage together before and i feel like itd be awesome but also junhao and zhan yu vocalization at the end was on point!!

lol all the kids being like zhang pd’s words are so detailed and professional... sigh theyve been missing out until now 

im glad they really pointed out how each member of this team did well! they really all did a great job with each of their parts, and they each got a little part to shine, and when put together, it was a complete performance. im proud of them and happy for them!

aw.... i feel like we’ve been waiting so long to hear lin mo get complimented.... i feel like it’s been since qcyn namanana that we’ve been waiting for him to redeem himself and climb back up to the peak. ugh its been nearly a year and a half. im just so terrified of whats gonna happen next bc im way too skeptical at this point to expect this high to continue, esp with what happened after namanana last time......... but for now, im happy. relieved hes finally getting the recognition he deserves and im happy that hes happy. lol i was also half scared we were gonna get spirit of the knight-ed again with his pink hair (nightmare flashbacks to lin mo and changxi’s deletion from that perf) i dont think ill ever get over that :( i feel like as a lin mo stan, ive been trained to not keep my hopes up and to prepare for the worst bc hes the type of person who just always gets the short end of the stick, it feels like. 

aw the part when they go back to the waiting room and jin fan is waiting for them with an encouraging smile and the whole exchange of "帥的真的帥的" "哇~可以吧" "我沒想到" "那必須的" our leader did them proud :’) 

ugh the part where luo jie calls them and tells them he can’t come back........ heart breaking. i can see why lin ran and xikan would be really affected. lin ran has been luo jie’s go-to since he left and knowing how their usual friendship involves making fun of one another and jokingly complaining about each other, it hits hard when lin ran says he cried his eyes out. it hurts that they didnt get to share the stage again before he left. xikan may not have shared the stage with luo jie during ip, but hes known him since then and has been with him through both rounds here. it interesting bc i feel like the namanana perf was very light hearted on qcyn but i cant see that happening here, esp with their outfits? 

aw shiwei and chaowen taking charge to raise their spirits :’) 

lin ran’s voice fits so well with this song wow! i really like his lines! also lol i didnt know xikan would have abs but okay and tbh im always hesitant about dances with props bc it always is so easy to look messy..... like every slight difference in angle in the way you hold your arms is immediately magnified 

and like sxl’s fan is obviously broken and having performed fan dances myself i know that that’s like the most annoying thing to happen on stage, and can be really difficult to deal with, even tho it happens ALL THE TIME with those types of fans ugh :( 

i mean its super kind of them to leave luo jie’s space empty for him, but its kinda weird to have parts of the audio missing sadly :( and also chaowen’s voice did something weird in the middle there, like its sounds weirdly weak 

wait didnt yixing tell them to close the fan? but they didnt? 

xikan’s facial expressions are perfecttt, good for him! wish they gave more screen time to shiwei during shiwei’s lines lol... but also i cant help but hear lin mo’s voice during that part LOL ugh speaking of which i miss that team dynamic namanana team a on qcyn HAHAHAH hwx being a brat and fjj running around wild and lin mo giving up on them all just laughing like idiots for hours on end while bo yuan just judges them from a corner LOL i love the beginning of the wenxuan and lin mo friendship good times :’)  

HAHAH ENYU AGAIN WITH THE REALEST COMMENTS - i agree AHHAHAH i love these kids too but there was something off about this stage 

im surprised but also not surprised by what the judges are saying 

o didnt realize sxl was supposed to be center but i guess that explains the big puffy thing on his shoulder lol.......... agree with cx tho, even without his broken fan, i think the fans made them look worse bc it just looked messy 

well idk if we’re getting all the stages today but at least jin fan’s is also getting aired! TYGER HUG FOR JIN FAN YESS

jin fan teaching them dance? yes thank you for showing us he is a good dancer. oof jin fan’s just too nice :( hes trying to avoid conflict too much that it caused conflict smh......... lol oscar trying to talk to su er hes having such struggle i feel that bro LOL hes doing really well though, tbh being relatively young, hes really trying his best and is being reasonable. 

LOL HE CALLED HIM JIN FAN GE i forgot jin fan is considered old lol..... jin fan really taking the higher road here and im glad they sat together and talked it out a bit

THE JIN FAN VOICE YESSSS hahahhaha kou cong holding the tyger sign!!

oo is that some of his bel canto-style singing coming through LOL 

AY NICE for hong weihao and oscar to put in some rap 

some of those high notes were a bit questionable at the end but okay jin fan is really claiming that vocal + dance teacher role i see.... interesting 

but agree with yixing that he doesnt need to force himself to do high notes bc his voice is so nice regardless!! yay for oscar getting recognition! im still waiting for jin fan to do a cool dance performance sigh

wasnt expecting an enyu feature BUT ILL TAKE IT 

oof huang enyu saying hes really trying to put himself out there by going for leader and the realest comment that he hasnt considered getting to debut he just wants to pass this round oof and he feels like his opportunities may be cut short bc hes getting old oof

enyu and chenxu crying watching the movie 

AW THEIR HAHA VIDEOS ARE THE CUTEST THING I LOVE THESE KIDSSS so sad that so many of them are at risk of elimination :(  im glad these vocals made their own friend group! I hope itll be a memory they carry forward. they do all have shared experiences as vocals on this show. 

this reaction to junrong’s voice

same tho :’) but actually all of their voices are so so nice like actually these 5 are all people whose voices ive really listened for on this show, but wow renyu’s voice in particular like really ugh just sounds so pure 

also enyu looks really nice in this performance but thats a side note okay moving on

i mean literally these reactions

and li hao crying while singing and so many kids in the waiting room crying while watching OOF this perf has got me emotional 

HAHAHHAHA THEIR INTROS HAHAHHA

UGH ENYU his plea just.... the way he yelled it bc it mustve taken courage and it mustve been a frustration on his mind for a while now and bc maybe he wouldve broken down if he hadnt yelled it out but im really crying now.... and its so out of character for him that you know he really really is feeling desperate and feels the need to speak out

lol wait gjm posted on weibo about him? is that why hes getting more attention lol..........

i really hope the vocals win :( 

no tygers in the next ep preview? hmmMMMMMmm okay 

well also interesting that they put the other 4 perfs with the elims...... seems sketch but at least most of my kids got to go this week ahhhhhh i feel bad for the other groups already. esp the ones with the kids who arent as popular... 

[kornrosen]

Hey there I hope you don’t mind me asking this, but about a week ago I was listening to this livestream on Instagram, where they were talking about sexualities etc. And they stated that being bi was as a stepping stone to being either gay or straight. I was a bit disheartened to heat this, but they were like even though sexuality is fluid, bisexuality is a fairly new label and before (in the 70s and 80s) people would often say they were bi in order to hide the fact that they were gay 1/?

BecUse it meant they could hang onto one gender etc. but what i disagreed with was how she was like she worked somewhere, where there were a lot of older lgbt people, and no one identified as bi, her reasoning was that it’s more used as. Stepping stone rather than an actual thing. I don’t really know much about bi history, but it worries me that people are like that, I think it’s quite different from pansexuality and all these other labels because idk it just feels authentic? The world isn’t 1/?          

I’m putting this under a cut, because it got really long and personal oops 

Black and white, and sure people may think they’re bi first than they realise they’re actually gay/straight but there are still people who will probably be like that forever (bi) -essentially they were saying how it’s kind of a trend now to label yourself all these labels eg pan etc - this person was gay, and has worked with lgbt community but as above doesn’t agree on the label of bi. Im not sure what I want to say but I just wanted to share, because even though I don’t identify as bi 3/?  

I’ve been attracted to both genders. I struggle with that, and I’ve become more confident, but knowing that people say those sorts of stuff kind of makes me doubt myself. I’m kind of sick of all these labels and stuff as well at the same time? I’m a bit confused, when did the word bisexuality come about to describe people? Or when was the first person to say themselves they were bi? Also what is straight passing? Does that mean you ‘look’ straight even though you might be bi/gay? 4/4         

Okay, so I am suuuper sorry to hear that you had to listen to such dumb shit anon, because Bisexuality is a Thing and has always been a thing. I’m not a historian for these kind of things, but there’s a lot of misinformation by those people to unpack here.

So yes the word bisexual for being attracted to two or more genders only came up during the 20th century and before was used for plants that had both sexual markings and stuff (it still is). I can’t pinpoint the point, where it was first used, but I think 70s isn’t a bad guess. But because the word wasn’t used in that way before doesn’t mean bisexuality doesn’t exist.

There’s studies and think pieces and people trying to prove or disprove our attraction and you should never listen to those, because when non-bi people say stuff like “they don’t believe in it” that’s the same thing as when homosexuality was classified as a mental illness, it’s prejudice against something you don’t understand, because you don’t experience it and there’s no way to really measure it, so you say it doesn’t exist. It’s dumb, it’s biphobic and I just don’t listen to those people.

I’ve seen even progressive gay people (one time on buzzfeed which was weird) say similar things, like they think you will “choose a side”, like I said it comes down to the fact that they do not see the world through the eyes of someone who genuinely is attracted to both genders. I’ve questioned myself a lot and I struggled a lot with my bisexuality too, but in the end I feel what I feel and that is not debatable. Once you’ve been genuinely in love with men and women, to me there’s no discussion, not even internally. I know how it feels to love someone and I’ve felt it for men and women and if people don’t want to believe, fine, they’re assholes.

Maybe when I’m really settled down with someone, my bisexuality won’t really be a topic anymore and I’ll basically live as a lesbian or a hetero and I won’t need the label bisexual more than every few years, but that doesn’t change what I’ve once felt. The term phase is also thrown around a lot when talking about bisexuality. People who barely knew me said it was only a phase when I came to terms with my bisexuality. And that’s fine. I was 16, when I discovered, that’s a weird age, but just because for some people it may be a phase just to try and then they actually do choose a side, doesn’t mean they weren’t truly living as bisexual at the time and that none of them are technically attracted to both genders.

Like you said it’s a bit about this label politics, which I am really not into? Like fine I could say I’m demisexual, because I hate the idea of ONS, I could invent a new word for the exact ratio of attraction I feel for men and women, but that wouldn’t make me personally feel better about my attraction (it does for some people and I’m not here to judge them, really not, I just don’t like the idea that everyone needs the perfect label). I didn’t fall in love with the label bisexual and i don’t feel like it can truly describe all facets of attraction I feel. But for me it doesn’t have to. For me it’s about lived reality. A label is sort of short-hand to explain to people who I am into and not much more. If someone’s interested about anything else, it’s easier to explain than to use a word they don’t know anyway. So I feel I can get with men and women. So I feel bisexual. That’s just not that hard to get.

Then there’s even more biphobic rhethorics about “straight-passing”, because bisexuals in hetero relationships are almost indistinguishable from straight peole (and apparently we only are oppressed when someone mistakes us for a gay person). But a lot of single gay people are too. It’s again just a smaller group of people with other sexualities that don’t understand us, and want to other us. They think we aren’t oppressed enough to be part of the LGBT+ community. And to that I can just say: so what? I don’t care for their opinions. I know what I feel and I know damn well, that I’ve gotten shit for being bisexual not just for being mistaken for a lesbian. Weirdly enough it’s just the bisexual experience to be oppressed by homophobia, biphobia and sometimes still be mistaken for a straight.

The only thing I can actually advise you is, don’t get lost in all the discourse online. Talk to people in real life: bi people, straight people and gay people and you will see, most of them will understand you, even if you choose not to use a specific label, but you totally can too. Go into this life with confidence that no one knows better about this than you, because of course they don’t.

Sending you lots of love ♥

[thedapperrabbit]

She-Ra Rewatch: season 3 and onwards through season 4, and boatloads of Introspection time!

So Ive been rewatching She-Ra with my partner, because sharing Entrapdak is caring. I could probably squee on about that for a century or more (because eeee, sharing things i love with people i love AND THEY EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO THE THINGS AND REMEMBER THEM!)...but ill spare you, kind internet strangers who for some reason find my thoughts mildly interesting enough to be reading this. This is going to be a lot. Like, a LOT. A lot especially from a stranger that youve probably only seen a notification from due to me sticking a heart on your content or for reblogging something lovely youve made in pictures or words. I dont think anything is going to be violently trigger-y because im not always great at judging that stuff and also ive yet to feel quite comfy enough to be  fully open-posting specifics about my own past trauma, other than a vague allusion to self-harm and distant-ish unspecified abuse aaaand the usual childhood garbage truck of assholes....but i suppose you could possibly draw some darker potential conclusions from the content im focused on. Also, my ADHD makes it incredibly hard to keep to a straight and non-branching narrative so...ramble-y bits and expressions of brain frustration ahoy. Either way...you are forewarned, just in case. Sorry in advance, this is going to be a small booklet by the time Im done explaining, and thinking, and then attempting to stick words to abstract feels which sometimes im great at, and then others i fucking suck at...but at least this is all written and not me trying to say this to any of your faces! Thats....a mercy all of its own. Haa...  Anyway, while rewatching with my partner, I realized just how much more painful parts of it are to sit through now...they were the first time, and each time since, but NOW having spent a while mulling over the series as a whole a bunch, and reading a lot of other peoples writings on here and finding myself largely in agreement with most Entrapdak fan’s assessment of things, I just....feel like all the air is ripped out of me during some moments, watching  with keener insight. And despite thinking i had myself reasonably well figured out by my age, its all also made me further consider a few things about myself as well. Particularly my notable internalized fury response to chunks of it which have been consistent through all my viewings of SPOP. With Hordak at least, its way easier to understand my reactions. For me at least. Maybe not so much for the people around me. And, shittier due to intensity and subject matter, but still easier in the long run because...the broken bits in me that he resonates with are fresher and sharper and still more recent, like within the last ten years, and thus more towards the front shelves in my head, compared to things that resonate with Entrapta, which are all old, lifelong dull aches at this point. I feel like nothing i can point to is fully sufficient to fully express my feels involving Hordak. But, maybe the best representative moment is with the crying i do every damn time I see his face looking up at Prime just after he glimmer and catra were beamed up...because ive seen that face in the mirror. I HAVE MADE THAT FACE. That same. Goddamn. Face. I may not have gotten a jab to the back of the neck directly from the person I made it at...but they often seemed to silently goad me to harm myself in an attempt to jolt my brain out of getting stuck in re-looping through what theyd just done/said to me. Likewise, much of his interactions with Entrapta are very...very weirdly familiar in feeling, but in a good way. Watching the stuff with Hordak hurts because fuck me if it isnt frequently like watching myself back in 2008ish to 2013, which was the duration of the worst parts of that particular circle of hell i parked my ass in. So...that makes sense. Hes so well written in those moments, it occasionally gave me PTSD flashbacks (still does a little, but now im prepared and braced for it and can shrug it back off....thanks, lifetime of therapy and years of studying abnormal psychology! Still totally not an expert, just very passionate...just, as a disclaimer).  Entrapta though...Entrapta is a different story. Mostly, I see Entrapta and in her free expressions of delight and joy and her bouncy enthusiasm I am reminded of a younger, less discouraged me in some ways, and in others, a “me” I could have been, but...well, extremely early-onset anxiety and depression made me insanely self-conscious super-super early on...not that i was great at hiding or...i guess the term people seem comfy with is “masking”? Which was a huge problem, or so it was in the 80s when far less was understood of such things. Id do so for a bit and then would forget to, in a way (because id forget long enough to go and trust again reflexively) and would get badly bullied and would squish everything down until id feel a crumb of safety again, and then almost instantly ADHD would pop that mask right the rest of the way off aaand it would start all over again. Ad nauseam until my teen years, where the depression sort of “fixed” that, and made it much easier to destroy my desire to share much of myself freely at all, save for with one or two people, and to a less deep extent a broader circle of nerd friends. Course, then i hit 30 and ran out of the majority of fucks I used to give. Or I became so damaged and salted with anger that parts of me dont grow any fucks anymore? Either way, plowshares to swords, WHEEEE!) And, maybe thats where this time while watching, I started to really think back to all that, and to how i see Entrapta treated by the other princesses, or really just in general except by Hordak...and why it burns my biscuits so badly. Every time I see someone roll their eyes at Entrapta’s beautiful unbridled enthusiasm or try to make it seem distasteful or at least weird and unwanted and uncomfortable for them but then dont even bother to try coming to terms with why they feel that way... or how they seem to feel free to grab and manhandle her without her consent, or the way they try to lessen her contributions because shes non-normative? Like its the fucking least she can do to make up for being weird in their space (...okay, that might just be the anger kicking in..but i dont feel like its an entirely innacurate assessment, is it?)  All of that...seeing it inflicted upon someone, It feels like someones punched me right in the damn sternum, but because its a hurt that im so desensitized to, it seems to have a much different effect than the sharp, violent crushing pain that i feel when I relate to Hordak a little too well for comfort. Again, i could go on, but its nothing more eloquent people on here havent already spoken volumes on. And my first gut reaction is always “I dont understand! why is that their reaction to her?! it doesnt seem logical at all, i dont seem to be able to parse it correctly, how is this acceptable? I HOPE SHE IMMOLATES YOU ALL.”. Which...I suppose isnt entirely usual for me (the silent wishing that people be immolated, I mean...i blame my past years of working in retail. And devouring too much Warhammer 40k contentl).  (oh gods...and this is going to be the most clusterfucky part cause i can feel my meds kicking in and thats gonna be hard to keep coherence on but i gotta get this all out of my head or ill forget it or get too scared of you fucking BRILLIANT insightful smart people on here and then ill continue to live scared and regretful that i never said..anything, and just sat here like “noticeme, entrapdak sempais!”  Ehhn...which is to say, if this is a garbage dump from here down, dont worry, when i wake up ill fix it...but hopefully itll at least make a tiny bit of sense ) But I realized something...something I hadnt ever rememberd much about due to the shitty neuronormative (apology if thats wrong term) behaviors continuing over years and years but in less and less directly aggressive ways as i grew older and was more prone to losing my shit in , (and likely because I got excessively lucky and managed through...uhhh...agonizing determination? Sheer stubbornness? Alleviatory rebalancing of universal karma? fuck if i know --to  curate a surprisingly supportive circle of other castoffs and misanthropes.) That was exactly how people used to treat me.  OKAY THISLL BE EDITED LATER to add in the rest of what i was gonna say...im...too full of Ambien sleep meds and damn write it anymore...and im aing trouble separating realigty and dream...an i k apawing at the kybord...not safe Lov yous for reading this far. Il fix it later, swears.

[reveslumineux]

ugh

im still sad but im not confused i talked to my 5 year old self, shes the one that craves these unhealthy relationships because thats what she saw mom and dad do. mom was constantly trying to please dad an get his attention when he was unavailable, because he’s still a 13 year old child in his head, and he’ll never change or grow. my 5 year old self things that going above and beyond for someone who cant do the same for you is the right thing to do. i deserve better. and taylor literally told me that. this weekend was a big intervention for me. i realized i had been letting things slide. im glad she weirdly realizes that she also knew she was bad for me? im grateful that in some fucked up part of her mind she realizes she’s abusive? she realizes she’s fucked up? but she’s not going to change. i wonder when she’s going to turn on breylan or andy. i wonder who she’s already latched onto next. 

taylor didnt love me. she liked the object that i was and that i fit whatever projection she had of what she needed. just like irene, just like qualeasha, but its strange because she lets people keep hurting her? and then still loves them? but with me, its just outright hatred? i dont understand why she loves frances so much when frances constantly and almost always chose someone else over her. what is that about? maybe its because they are both bad people with bad personalities. 

what im most fucking annoyed about is all the fucking plans we made. and she couldnt for one second stop to think about the fucking fact that we had plans saturday so maybe i didnt want to hangout with you on friday? and we have plans wednesday! taylor! i cant make friends for you! you have opportunities to make friends! i cant fucking do this shit for you! what the fuck! to put that on me! the nerve. when all i have been is sweet and kind and gentle to you. what the fuck taylor. what the fuck, that is rude, disrespectful. and i am not deserving of that treatment. i deserve love kindness and empathy and you’ve given me none of it and YOU have the nerve to cut me off because you think i betrayed you. when in reality i was protecting you, because i would hate to put you in a situation where anyone would later talk to me behind your back about you. you’re fucking irrational. rude. uncaring. and i need to stay as far as possible from you, if possible. i cant sit near her in class. im only going to talk to her when necessary--for our project, thats it. im so pissed that she didnt think about all of this shit. and shes already latched on to breylan or andy because i couldnt give her enough. i wonder if either of them will realize that shes no longer talking to me and is actually responding to them, instead of ignoring them. because i am one hundred percent and completely and utterly being rejected and cast out. i know that because she literally told me thats how she is. i know its mean to say. but i cant wait for the day that she pisses off breylan, because breylan doesnt give a fuck and will call her out. and she’ll have to start over again. and again and again. im going to do this fucking project, and im going to not speak to her unless i have to after this. im going to limit the amout of time and energy i need to spend on this person. i am going to love myself so fucking hard that this WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. 

she literally called me TIMID, SHY, AND UNCONFIDENT. SHE HURT ME AND I DONT DESERVE TO BE HURT THAT WAY! NO ONE DOES! IF ANYONE HURT HER LIKE THAT SHE’D BLOW UP. IM REALLY PISSED. ugh! how dare she! i cleaned her car! and she didnt notice! because shes a fucking narcissist who only looks at herself and nothing else! i hate the way she made me feel she drew me in i hate her i hate her i cant wait for this project to be fucking over. i cant wait. fuck. i hate her and i will not associate her. shes abusive and manipulative and onyl cares about her fucking self, because she cant make or follow through with plans. I DONT DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT SHES EVIL AND I HOPE SHE NEVER GETS MARRIED. I HATE HER AND HOW SHE MADE ME FEEL. NEVER AGAN, NO MORE! NEVER! 

i need to accept and acknowledge that taylor is NOT a good person. she likes being hurt. she likes being a victim. she likes destroying things. and she only cares about herself, she cant fully care about others because if she did, she’d realize her expectations are fucked up, and having expectations for friends is fucked up. the only way i would have gotten her to ‘be’ with me is if i tip toed around her 24/7 and jumped when she said jump. and sat when she said sit. but i actually liked her and cared about her. ill care about her by caring aggressively about myself. i deleted our messages. i deleted my accounts. im gonna take some steps to take care of myself i am going to : 

--not judge myself for being sad 

--not hangout with breylan or andy, because i do not want to spend time with taylor. i am not going to put myself in any situation where i have to hangout with her in a group or singular setting. i am going to stay home more or just hangout with my other friends. im too nervous and scared to build a connection with anyone new, and i dont want to build a connection with anyone associated with taylor. ill just tell them i cant hangout and that im busy or i just need time to work through some stuff. i CANT confide in them because i do not want to start drama and i am not about to subject myself to further abuse if taylor blows a fuse. 

--not beat myself up for missing taylor 

--work hard to realize that what she expressed was not LOVE because there was not empathy, there was no grey scale, if she truly loved me and saw that i hungout with someone else, she would be happy and excited, and would want to know if she could join in next time. 

--work out, take care of myself, and work on my work, really hard. maybe ill finish all of my final projects early. maybe ill just do that. i think itll be okay. 

[rqs902]

.

what a smile to start the episode...

cjh’s struggle with idol identity is something that’s been going on for a while, but every time it seems like he gets to a conclusion and then decides to keep going, but then still circles back with doubt. not sure if he’ll ever really be satisfied like this

the one thing about having so many strong vocals is at least the audio of this perf sounds super good and im proud of momo holding his own during his lines! so happy to see junrong and xzx and chenxu’s smiles when performing!

aw cjh freaking out bc he can brag to his mom that he got praised by zhl aw! i wonder if this will make him feel more comfortable in an idol space

awwwww this face when hyb says he did well as center

ayy just the fact that theyre complimenting the kids’ dancing, like xzx and cjh and enyu, i feel like momo must be relieved and proud. kinda disappointed that youku didnt put more emphasis on how much momo helped them and all, but i guess i should be grateful they included some of that in the last ep

also lol idk if i like enyu with light hair but everyone saying hes handsome now? i agree the confidence does make him more handsome tho

me: oh thats nice that xzx has really improved and he’s worked hard

also me: EXCUSE ME YOUKU I REFUSE TO BELIEVE LIN MO LOST TO XZX WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIS VOTES

also way to give huang junrong zero attention yet again for his singing and stage presence which were both A+ in this stage.... hes literally not mentioned at all during the judging and he didnt even get camera time for his vocalizations during the performance, bc ofc they were focusing on xzx instead... you cant trick me into thinking xzx sang those notes?? thats obviously junrong’s voice??? 

tbh i think i liked “follow me” less than the last song even, maybe this style of music just doesnt appeal to me but it seemed monotonous lol also kinda surprised this stage minimally utilized zhan yu’s vocals but im happy to see csp singing and smiling and zixin too! oof kou cong has been through a lot for his age, hes so young but 7 years on his own and manages to maintain a silly, fun personality wow

L O L MOMO WATCHING LIKE A TIRED MOM 

hes just like “good luck son, i cant help you no more” LOL 

HAHAHAHHAHAHAH THEY INCLUDED ZHAN YU DOING SOMETHING WEIRD AND EMBARRASSING YES THANK YOU WE NEED THIS IN OUR LIVES

people need to know zhan yu is WEIRD and FUN bc i think people are really missing out on this key part of his appeal LOL 

lol i love kou cong and i honestly think he deserves to win a lot of votes and im happy for him, but im also skeptical of youku that he actually won... maybe bc of xzx winning last round also was a surprise, i feel like something just feels weird. if anything, zlj, zy or csp couldve gotten more votes than him. wasnt zhan yu in like top 5 for the last stage? zlj i dont need to mention, but i felt like csp stood out a lot in this perf too

LOL i love qcyn friendshipppp csp being supportive of kou cong and feeling open enough to joke around with them :’) 

also side note, im just gonna question why they insist on giving zlj strange hairstyles...

lol them capitalizing yuehua friendship to promote sxl....... 

akey’s rap was really good, i liked it! but also it doesnt seem like hes doing it live lol... and something seems off about his dancing. or maybe theyre all just not super in sync? 

but on a separate note, am i the only one who feels like guo zhen’s voice is the only singing voice that doesnt sound forced in that high register?  

hm i wonder if sxl’s injury also contributed to why their dancing looked off to me

also maybe im being overly skeptical but guo zhen winning also doesnt make a ton of sense to me either, so imma just make up a theory that youku is rigging people who they want to give those extra votes or extra attention to. it doesnt make sense to me that all 3 of the groups that went have had unconventional first place winners. unless the audience is just that weirdly skewed. but in this group, hwx and zuo ye have consistently done better than guo zhen... unless people agreed with me that guo zhen was the only one that didnt sound or look awkward during this perf LOL but we all know youku realllyyy wants guo zhen to debut and hes the least secure of youku’s picks to make it in, so im suspicious they did this to boost him a bit

wow jin fan looks really nice with that hair color, im surprised LOL 

also xikan seems really nervous :\

not surprised they still feature the kids they want to feature at the end, but ill move on lol i wonder if we’ll ever find out what the rest of them got certificates for