#im going to fucking kill myself i’ve been triggered and panicky all day and feel like i cant Fucking Breathe

[quillkiller]

AAAAAAAAAAAAA MY MOM IS GOING TO HAVE A MINOR SURGERY AND BE SEDATED

[snowingincamelot]

I hate everything again and Im tired of fighting myself at every turn

what happened you ask?

well, my shitty ass housemates continually make HUGE messes in the kitchen and leave it that way. They do this so often that now the HOUSING STAFF has complained and will be charging us EACH 13 pounds every time the kitchen is a mess when the staff comes to clean it. Considering I barely use the kitchen, and when I do I always wipe down whatever mess I make, this is INFURIATING! And I swear to the gods, if I actually get charged for their shitty messes, I’m going to complain and bitch and fight until I get my money back and/or leave this shit hole of an accommodation. Like, I’m so sick of this accommodation already and I just want fucking OUT. 

trigger warnings for the rest in the tags.

So that whole shit storm has turned my pretty productive and decent day into a triggered fight with myself. Because I’m so angry and I haven’t heard back from two friends, which doesnt help the situation. So now I’m triggered because I’m angry and I want to take my anger out on something, and why not myself? I mean, clearly I cant even keep friendships together because I’m so annoying so, why not just cut up my own arm and ankle???? Plus, it’s been nearly 6 days since I last cut (which is a record, since I started cutting again in late September), and that makes me panicky about needing to cut again. Obviously my friends are just busy, and I need to fucking relax and stop jumping to conclusions and remember its a good thing to not be cutting but umm... you wanna try convincing my head of that???????????????? Because Im really freaking tired of being so triggered and easily knocked down at the smallest of things. Like I’m tired of fighting myself so much, even though I know that that is my life, and its probably never going to change. It hasn't in 20 years, so why would it ever? There are times were its easier and all, but overall Ive been knowingly fighting to keep my depression and self hate at bay since I was 6 and first tried to kill myself. But after nearly 20 years, Im soooo sick of it!!!!!! 

I just want to B R E A T H E again, without worrying how long I’ll be able to breathe before I get knocked down again. I want to stop worrying and stressing if this will be the time I get knocked down for good. I want to feel confident that I can make it through whatever comes at me. Because yeah sure, I’ve made it through two or three hells and back. But you know what? It hasn’t really made me stronger. It’s made me know my limits, sure. It’s made me understand things I might not have known otherwise. But you know what it’s also done? Made me really freaking sick of fighting myself and the world. I’m just so goddamn tired every time I have to trudge through something now.