#im going to continue to take my birth control tonight to see if im spotting (but i have a feeling im not that was a decent amount of blood)

[spootsaline]

~merry christmas to me, my birth control stopped working~

[aothotties]

Telling Suguru you want a baby

You laid in bed with your boyfriend watching a movie with him as this was the first night in weeks you’ve spent together. Work was kicking both of your asses and you barely had time to relax so you took advantage of this moment.

The movie showed a cute family with an adorable little girl and you looked over at Suguru 

“Awe we should have a baby” you said jokingly 

He turned his head and looked at you 

“Seriously?” he asked

“No haha im just kidding” you responded 

You both continued to watch the movie in silence until it was over but little did you know, you little “joke” rang in his head all night 

The thing about Suguru is he loves kids and if it was up to him you’d already have one. He spent the rest of the night thinking about starting a family with you 

The next day he walked up to you while you were getting ready for work and stood next to you looking at you in the mirror 

“What? You asked while trying to hide a smile 

“Throw your birth control  away” he said plainly 

You had no words as you were completely shocked. You didn't even know how to respond to him

“Suguru what-”

He cut you off 

“You heard me, throw it away. I'm ready to have a baby” he said 

“Are you forreal?” you responded 

“Yes,” he said “i've been thinking about what you said last night and honestly it's not a joke to me, i want a baby”

You just stared at him, confused and shocked. You had thought about having kids with him but never though he was ready which is why you were on birth control in the first place 

“Um..okay then” you said as you reached for the medicine cabinet.

You pulled out the pack of pills and tossed them in the trash can. You looked up and saw Suguru with a smile on his face. He kissed you and let you finish getting ready for work.

You spent the whole day at work with the conversation on your mind and you couldn't decide if you were scared or excited. You decided you were going to talk more about it when you got home.

As you pulled in the driveway you let out a big sigh and headed in the house 

When you walked in all the lights were out, which was odd but figured he may just be asleep. You headed toward your bedroom but you noticed flower petals on the floor.

You followed the petals all the way into the bedroom and opened the door to a surprise. The room and bed were covered in flower petals, there were candles lit and a bottle of champagne and two glasses on the bed. You looked all over for Suguru but couldn't find him 

You saw a note on the bed that said 

“Take a bath and put on the new lingerie I got you that's in the bathroom. I love you, see you soon”

You smiled and headed to the bathroom to wash up. After the hot bath you slipped on the red lingerie that laid on the counter and admired your body for a minute then you walked back out into the bedroom to see him lying on the bed in a pair of red silk boxers that matched the lingerie you had on.

“Glad you're off work, Hun” he said in a low tone as he patted the spot on the bed next to him

“Sugu, what's all of this” you asked as you crawled next to him 

“Oh nothing” he said “just wanted tonight to be special”

“For what” you asked 

“I'm going to get you pregnant tonight”

You almost choked on your spit

“Suguru..i mean i only missed today's dose i probably can't get pregnant now it might take a while for the medicine to leave my system i-”

He lifted his hand in the air to stop your rant 

“ i'm going to try today, tomorrow, and everyday after that until you're carrying my baby”

You were stunned and had nothing to say in response. You were so caught off guard but you knew he meant every word 

You looked over at him and he pulled out a little box

“Marry me, Y/N. and have all my babies and spend the rest of forever with me” he said as he pulled the ring out  

Tears welled up in your eyes as he slipped the ring on your finger. You leaned over to give him a kiss 

“Of course i'll marry you, Suguru” you said as you tried to pull away 

He grabbed the back of you neck and pulled you back in. he deepened the kiss and slipped his tongue in your mouth

As you kissed you crawled over on top of him as he laid back on the bed.

You began grinding on top of him feeling him harden in the silk boxers he was wearing 

He groaned into your mouth from the sensation and you moaned from the small friction on your cunt. You continued to rock your hips on top of him and his hands made their way to your plump ass giving them a squeeze

He flipped you over so that he was now on top and continued kissing you passionately. His hands roamed over your body and you felt yourself get hot from the excitement 

His thumbs hooked under the lace thong you had and and he slid them down your thighs. He positioned his face right in front of you now throbbing cunt 

He dipped his head down and placed a soft kiss on your swollen bud. You hands made their way to his long hair

“Sugu-mm” you whined 

He started sucking on your clit and your back arched off the bed. He began lapping at your cunt, wet squelching noise ringing like music to his ears 

“Tastes so good, sweetheart” he said as he continued lapping at your cunt 

You felt that familiar feeling pooling in your gut. The way he was licking and sucking on you had you on a high, you gripped his hair and closed your eyes as your hips bucked against his face 

He slipped a finger inside you and started rubbing at your g-spot 

Your legs shook and your orgasm broke causing you to squirt on his face. He licked up every drop and came back up to kiss you again

You tasted your own sweetness on his tongue and moaned. You unclipped your bra, fully exposing yourself to your now fiance.

“It's like looking at a goddess,” he said as his eyes scanned your whole body.

He stood up and removed his boxers. He crawled in between your legs and lined himself up to your soaked hole. He used his tip to slide up and down your folds before sliding just the tip in 

He threw his head back from how good it felt and sunk himself inside you. His hips started moving back and forth causing him to slide in and out rubbing on that sensitive g-spot 

He took his time with you, enjoying every inch of your gummy walls squeezing around him.

“You're perfect for me, princess” he said as his tip brushed your cervix.

You tried to say something in response but all you could do was moan his name over and over. You started to beg him to speed up but he refused wanting to enjoy your body all night 

Sweat formed on his forehead as he continued rocking his hips into you. You felt another orgasm forming and gripped onto his back leaving marks. He was groaning in your ear saying your name and whimpering from how good it felt to be inside you 

He was in heaven, tears started forming in his eyes from how good this felt 

You wrapped your legs around his torso trapping him in. he continued fucking you slowly with sweat and tears running down his face 

“This feels so good baby. I love you” he said 

“I love you too Suguru” you whined in response 

He took your legs and put them on his shoulders the new angle causing him to reach deeper 

You were over the edge and you orgasm spilled out and you felt his grip your thighs from how hard you were spasming around his dick 

He pulled out for a second to catch his breath but before you could whine from the loss of pleasure he sunk into you again still fucking you at a slow pace 

This went on for hours, Suguru never sped up and continued to fuck you slowly 

You were whining and crying under him from your multiple orgasms 

You felt his dick twitch inside you and he groaned 

“Gonna cum inside princess, gonna -fuck- give you a baby” he groaned 

And after a few more pumps you felt your womb fill with his seed

He didn't pull out and stayed inside until he was empty. He was covered in sweat and his cheeks were red 

He finally slipped out and laid next to you. You looked over at him with a smile on your face 

“ i'm so ready to do this with you” you said 

“I know baby, me too” he responded

6 months later

You were in a room surrounded by your friends and family as they got you ready for your wedding

Your mom helped you slip on your white dress. You were so nervous your palms were sweaty 

You walked over to the mirror to see how you looked and cried once you saw yourself. You were worried if you'd look bad being 4 months pregnant in a wedding dress but were stunned at how beautiful you looked 

“y/n oh my god- you're gorgeous” you heard your best friend say behind you 

“Really” you said in response 

“Really. Suguru is so lucky to be marrying you and have you carrying his son” he said as she walked over to pull you into a hug 

You finished getting ready then went to stand at the doors, ready to marry the man you loved and start a life with him and your new baby 

Rachel

[duhliriouss]

Gotham’s Little Prince:

Part One

A Request For: @jokers-doll Here you go Doll, I hope you like this first part :)

Summary: Y/N finds out she’s pregnant with Joker’s baby. Terrified of how he will react, she hides the evidence until she can muster up the courage to tell him.

A/N: Buckle up because this is more than just a story of reader telling Joker she’s pregnant. There’s aftermath, protection and a beautiful birth❣️this was supposed to be a one shot but I got carried away like always 🖤

Beta Reader: @arthur-flecks-lovely-smile thank you again! Im so glad I found you ❣️ The perfect Beta Reader. Everyone should check out her work too, it’s amazing and it inspires me :)

Word Count: 2,934

Warnings: Mentions of Sex, Swearing, Pregnancy, Mentions of Violence

You were tired, exhausted actually. After Joker had overthrown Gotham, you have both worked tirelessly day in and day out to get where you have gotten in this very moment.

And there you were - standing outside on the balcony of Wayne’s Manor, with your hands on the railings looking out over the trees at the cities buildings that stood tall in the distance. Even though it was right outside the city, it was the perfect place for a king and his queen. This is where you and Joker lived now after hearing of the Wayne families death, and a luxury it was. How ironic it had been that you both had everything you could possibly ever dream of; a warm bath in a marble tub that blended with the white marble floors, grapes picked right off the vine for you and Joker to share after a long day, aged wine worth hundreds, a magnificent California king size bed with a canopy of dark red drapes cascading down the frames. Everything, everything except the daily doses of Gotham’s chaos. It was too peaceful here for you and your king sometimes. 

So that is why you stood where you were in this moment, Joker and Your’s favorite spot, the only spot in the manor to be able to still see the tall structures as they inundated with the smoke that rose from Gotham’s streets.

You usually accompanied Joker during his daily tasks and crimes. He’s been a busy man since this all started, usually making sure his followers were keeping guard around the entire city’s borders.

No one comes in... and nobody leaves.

But you have stayed behind this past week and a half, you weren’t feeling well. You blamed it on your upcoming period since you tended to belong to the unlucky kind of woman who couldn’t even get out of bed during their cycle. Though your period never came, and you have grown worried. Joker has been very stressed recently so you haven’t dared to talk to him about your own distresses and concerns.

It was unlike you to keep things from Joker. You first met when you were walking home from work one day. You saw a clown dancing happily to piano music on the street with a sign reading “EVERYTHING MUST GO”. You watched him as you came closer only to find a group of punks stealing his sign and running away with it. You quickened your steps and followed as the clown chased after the teenagers. After a couple blocks you thought you had lost sight of his bright colored getup. Ready to give up, you went to turn around until you saw him laying almost lifeless down the ally in front of you. You saw no sight of the punks so you started to run until you were close enough to kneel down by the clown. You helped him up and brushed off the asphalt that stuck to his clothes.... and the rest has been history.

You sighed deeply, still flicking your (y/e/c) eyes to the buildings in the distance. You held your tummy as your mind rambled anxiously. You knew it was possible you could be pregnant. Joker wasn’t one to care for protection or pulling out. And neither were you for that matter. The sensation was just too staggering to give a shit. You were both so impulsive, you were perfect for each other.

As you looked out your mind continued to ramble with thought after thought. Joker was out there in between those buildings somewhere. You were planning on going out to get a pregnancy test without being seen by anybody. This would be a difficult task since everyone knew who you were, everyone knew you were Joker’s Queen.

You took one last sigh before turning on your heels to go back inside. You scurried down the hallways and corridors to your bedroom to change your clothes into something that would make you less noticeable. After a couple minutes of searching you found a oversized black coat that had probably belonged to Thomas Wayne. You also picked out some black jeans you owned. You quickly got dressed and took a look in the mirror, taking your (y/h/c) hair and pulling it behind your head to tuck it in the back of the coat. You then reached over and grabbed a clown mask, setting it over your face before pulling up the hoodie over your head. You felt confident that you could get away with this look and blend in.

And with that you were off, leaving the building with ease without being seen by any of the “guards” that Joker had stationed around your new home. You were allowed to leave whenever you wanted but you didn’t want to chance any of them telling Joker you had left. You had imagined beforehand what it would be like; Coming home early only to find one of his henchman tattling to him before he could even reach the main doors. Revealing to him how you were spotted leaving, without a return. You knew he would be very concerned for your wellbeing. You’d rather just come clean now than have to make Joker go through such affliction.

Your walk was longer than usual since you stayed in the shadows. You took allies that weren’t occupied and kept your head down as protesters and rallies passed. You entered the first convenient store you saw. You didn’t have to buy anything right now In this city as the mayhem was at its peak recently. No one was working since it was too dangerous. Almost all stores had smashes in the window and most people looted as they pleased. You walked straight in through the window and found the feminine section fairly quickly. You took what you needed and left and fast as you came.

You were home safe without being noticed by a soul. You peeled the clothes off putting them back where you found it and changed back into your dark blue polka dot flare dress. You walked straight to a bathroom that usually wasn’t used by Joker and Yourself. You lifted your dress and sat down, staring down at the box that contained the test. You felt unsure now.

Did you really want to know right now? What if it’s positive? How will your beloved Joker react?

Your heart started to pound in your ears as these new thoughts rose throughout you. You couldn’t see this being a positive outcome. You really didn’t want to see Joker mad. He was so unpredictable with his emotions that sometimes you didn’t even know if you knew him. He’s not Arthur anymore. However, Joker was still very tender towards you. Warm and gentle for the most part. But you also knew certain things caused him to lash out. You actually loved how unpredictable he was at times. It made everything new and exciting. But right now you were seeing how this could be a not so great and not so thrilling thing.

You were feeling dizzy now. Your mind going a mile a minute, you tried to get your breathing under control.

“You can do this. Joker will still love you no matter what. Just take the test.” You consoled softly to yourself.

You took a few more deep breaths before opening the box. 1980’s pregnancy tests were test tubes that took 2 hours before showing results. So you were in for a very tense wait. And a nervous one at that since you were never sure when Joker was going to be home. You did everything you were supposed to do. You shook the urine in the test tube and placed it behind the toilet on the floor for no one to see. You took the box and crinkled it up inside out, discarding it deep in the trash. Now all there was to do was wait. And it WAS a very tense wait. You made a mental note to keep your eye on the clock for when it was ready to check.

You tried to keep your mind off of it by watching tv, a fail. You paced the halls over and over with your hands clenched behind your back. You even went outside to get fresh air and smell the roses that had begun to wilt outside. You were running out of ideas to ease this edge. And oh so badly did you need a cigarette right now. You usually smoked almost as much as Joker but you haven’t dared the past few days. Joker actually noticed this the other day and questioned you to see if everything was alright. Only then did you stutter out an excuse by saying your throat was scratchy and it made it worse. And what a stupid excuse it was, initiating your guilt as he ran to make you herbal tea with tender kisses for the rest of the night.

You went back inside to check the clock.

30 minutes left

With a impatient huff, you went to go try and watch tv again In the bedroom. You walked down the hallway for what seemed like the 80th time today and turned to step into the bedroom. You gasped, jumping backward when you saw that Joker was standing right there. He saw that he’d startled you. He reached his arms out for you, a smirk evidently written on his face.

“My sweet darling girl, how I’ve missed you today”

You straightened yourself out and smiled sheepishly. He always made you a blushing mess. You skipped over and let yourself fall into his arms. He instantly scooped you up with ease, making you instinctively wrap your legs around him and letting your head fall over his shoulder. He wasn’t much taller than you but he still always managed to hold and carry you comfortably.

“I’ve missed you too. And you’re home so early.” You tried to hide the nervousness in your voice.

He started to draw circles on your back as he spoke. “A clown can only do so much crime my love. Besides, I thought I’d surprise you with something tonight since you haven’t been feeling well.” His voice cracked huskily.

Your body sunk heavier into him. You didn’t know your guilt could make you feel this culpable. You leaned back to look in Joker’s green orbs as he held you, putting on your best fake smile.

“What is it?”

“Stay here doll while I go get it for you, I left it in the kitchens”

Joker placed you down gently and began to make his way out the door, stopping at the door frame. He kept his gaze forward as he spoke. “Don’t move a muscle, I know how sneaky you can be, my little squirrel”

You smiled sheepishly one last time until he was out of site. Joker knew you all too well, seeing how you poked your head around the doorframe until he was out of site again. You were confident you had enough time to race down back to the bathrooms and check on your fate. The bathrooms were much closer than the kitchens. You couldn’t wait any longer. You took your first sharp right turn down another coordinator, making your way to the end before taking another sharp right which led off to the bathroom. As you took your last turn you stopped in your tracks instantly as you saw Joker standing right outside the bathroom doors talking to one of his female followers that helped keep guard around the building. You hid yourself around the corner and poked your head out slightly to listen. They didn’t notice you.

“Why are you showing me this? I don’t even know what that is”

“It’s a pregnancy test Sir, I don’t know who’s it is but it’s positive, just figured I’d show you before tossing it out”

You leaned your back fully against the wall around the corner now. Your hands found your mouth to muffle your sobs as tears poured down your cheeks. Not only did you just find out you were pregnant, but this was also not the way you wanted your Joker to find out. How was he going to react now, Keeping it from him like that?

Will he even still love me? he’s THE Joker. The infamous man that’s killed multiple under his own will. Why would a man like him want a baby with someone like me? Especially in such a disorderly world that we have created together. He’s going to make me leave this place. Probably force me to move somewhere else far away to somewhere safer. I’ll never see him again!

Your eyes were scrunched tightly closed. You let your hair fall messily around your face as you continued to muffle your sobs with your hands. You were so caught up in the shock you didn’t think to run away. And you didn’t notice Joker was standing right in front of you now.

“Y/N...”

Your breath caught in your throat. You slowly started to take your hands away from your mouth. You kept your head down with your arms stick straight by your sides, your hands balled up in little fists. You peaked your eyes up to look your destiny in the face. Your eyes began to dart around his face, desperate to find any emotion apparent on his features. But... nothing. You couldn’t see any emotion. His red painted lips displayed a thin line. His eyes showed emptiness, not even the green in his irises were visible.

Joker watched your eyes dart around him desperately. He knew it was your test. Why else would you be hiding around the corner in a complete dismantled mess? He cleared his throat and tried one more time.

“Y/N, answer me”

You finally let go and burst into tears. Covering your whole face with your hands and sobbing as you pleaded. “I’m so sorry!! I didn’t know either and I was just coming to check. I promise I was going to tell you today! I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m so sorry I left this place by myself and stole the test without telling you! I know I should have told you my worries sooner but... you’ve just been so stressed recently and so busy I didn’t want to bother you or stress you more. Please forgive me Joker! Please don’t make me leave this city! I love it too much now! I’m so sorry, I didn’t know what to do”

Your head stayed down as you sobbed and hyperventilated between each sentence as you cluttered. Joker watched you with his lips slightly parted without interrupting your break down. After you were finished, you continued to breath heavy and brought your hands up to wipe your tears with your balled fists. A couple seconds had passed without hearing a response from him, which caused you look up to see if he was even still there.

He was, but his features still looked emotionless to you. Maybe a little bit shocked? You opened up your mouth to speak again but was stopped short when Joker’s laughs began to fill the corridor, echoing down the halls. His face showed a semi wide grin as he laughed louder, placing his hand on his chest. He didn’t look mad, he also didn’t seem very sympathetic to you in this moment either. And it definitely wasn’t a laughing attack. It sounded like his real, true laugh. They started to die down into giggles as he wiped the tears from his face. This all hit you hard in the chest.

“I think I’ll go no—“

You were interrupted as Joker scooped you up in an immense hug. Swirling you around a couple times before stopping to sway you back and forth, drawing circles on your back like he did in your bedroom.

“My dear Y/N...You really are a sneaky little squirrel”

You couldn’t speak. Your mind bounced around to what the hell was going on. You felt comforted however as he held and swayed you before bringing his head back to look at you. None of this was what you were expecting.

“Look at me.” His voice was calm

You leaned back as he did and looked into eyes. You could see his green oceans now. And you could still see the tears in his eyes from laughing.

“My little squirrel, do you see these tears?”

“Yes...”

“They’re tears of joy darling, I would never be angry over something like this”

“Y-you’re really not mad?” You stuttered through your new found tears.

“Of course not.” He cooed in his high pitched voice. He began to walk forward until your back was against the cool wall, leveraging you as he still held you to free one of his hands, gently placing it over your tummy as he spoke more. “I put a prince in your belly”. He said it in a British accent, causing you to giggle.

“How do you know? It could be a princess!”

“I just have a feeling. But we shall see darling”

You couldn’t stop smiling now. And neither could joker. You started to feel a little silly for being so worried in the first place. You both cried happily as you brought your head into his chest, taking in his scent that smelled like cigarettes, mint, and blood. Joker took his hand off your tummy and brought you closer, placing his hand in your hair now to slightly stroke the (y/h/c) strands.

“Is that why you haven’t been smoking?”

“Yeah..” you replied innocently

“So sneaky...”

[omgmissmillie-blog]

Need you (Here)

A/N - hello, I had a bit of trouble while writing chased and more ideas started flowing in so i’m gonna see if trying to get some other stuff out can help my creative juices flow to figure out my missing key in the story. Please enjoy!!!!

A BIG ASS SPECIAL THANKS TO MY BOOTHANG SHANNON ( @screamersdontdance ) I LOVE YOU . YOU CONTRIBUTED A HUGE PART TO THIS AND UGH YOU SUFFERED WITH ME SO THANKS LOVE ❤ (Caps are literally our thing lmao)

It does switch between reader and Baron so PAY. ATTENTION.

Warning: angst, swearing, BIRTH (MMK IT HAPPENS) Word Count: - 2,750 Tagging: - @wrasslesmut @hardcorewwetrash @hiitsmecharlie @wwelover22 @lavitabella87 @justtookawaii @daintymissdevitt

So like… Listen i tagged a very few of you and im sorry if you don’t like i won’t do it again don’t kill me 😅 .

——

I couldn’t be more excited for Baron to come home today. Our child is healthy and she can be here at any moment. Baron and I have been growing a distance but he promised to come home and treat me which i’m excited for.

I had fallen asleep on the couch, I looked at the clock to see it was 1am but Baron still hasn’t come home. I grab my phone and dial his number, it had lead straight to voicemail. Usually Baron would call and tell me if something was wrong which made me uneasy. I was quick to dial Corey’s number until the lock had turned. A drunken Baron had walked in slowly with a wobble in each step. I couldn’t control my emotions as anger bubbled inside me. “Baron! What the hell, you didn’t call me or text me to let me know you weren’t coming home.” I planted my hands on my hips and glare at him. I knew this wasn’t going to work, he stared back at me but nothing came out of him. I huff and walk to the kitchen and grab a glass and filled it with water. I march back over to him and shove the glass into his hands. “Drink it and then shower. Now. Sober up because we’re going to talk about this.” I sighed with frustration.

I sat on the couch and waited for him to come out of the bathroom. He finally emerged as he dried his hair, I stood up and motioned for him to sit on the couch. I started to pace around until I began to speak. “Baron.. You promised me you’d be here.. Clearly drinking seemed to be more important.” Disappointment was filling up my words as I spoke quietly. Baron rubbed his face roughly as frustration washed over him. “(Y/N) sometimes shit happens, you have to get over it.” I stopped and looked at him, I wasn’t sure if I was angry or sad. “When you make a promise to someone usually they stand by it Baron sorry that its apart of keeping a promise.” From what was once was a silent filled room escalated into loud arguing. “What is your problem Baron? There’s this distance thats been growing between us, do you want to explain it?” My heart pounded hard against my chest as I waited for Baron to respond.

“I’m not ready to be a father (Y/N)! This is all very scary to me and i’m not scared of anyone but this i’m not ready for.” Baron stood up and ran his hands through his wet hair. I didn’t get it, I can understand him being scared but what about me? “Seriously? Baron i’m not ready to be a mother. Did you think I ask for the condom to break? Did you think I asked to carry this child? I thought I was on the safe side! So don’t come at me with you being scared because i’m scared as well. Being here for months practically alone…I’m fucking terrified.” My heart pounded faster as I shouted back at him, a sharp pain began to line my stomach. I quickly bring a hand to my tummy and try to lightly shift it, the pain had only gotten worse as I fell to my knees. I whimper as the pain had gotten more violent and unbearable. The contractions began only recently but it was a struggle to move from one spot to another. Baron immediately got down beside me and tried to soothe me only making me more angry, “Don’t fucking touch me Baron, you said you were too scared, back off. Scarier stuffs about to happen.” l shouted as clenched my stomach, I tried to stand and move but shortly my legs gave out as I gasped. Baron scooped me up into his arms, I tried to struggle against his hold, he carried me out of the house towards the car. I finally wiggle out of his grasp landing on my feet luckily. The pain became more unbearable, I look over at baron whose fishing in his pockets for his keys “You’re not driving me….anywhere you’re still… wasted and you’re risking it..” I panted as I lean down. “You’re clearly in pain (Y/N) stop being so fucking stubborn” Baron shouted back.

Headlights turned the corner and stopped in front of us, Corey had stepped out. “(Y/N)? What’s going on? are you okay? I got your call but i couldn’t pick up” He sank down to my side and tried to help me up. “No, I think theres something wrong.” I began to cry, Corey picked me up and brought me to the passenger seat of his car. Baron sat in the back seat and placed a hand on my shoulder, I was in too much pain to shake him off or fight with him anymore tonight. We made it to the hospital, Corey helped me out and guided me to the building. Baron trailed behind slowly, as we enter the building several nurses roamed around in a quickened pace. A small petite nurse walked up to me and Corey, “Hi ma'am, what brings you in tonight?” Her voice was light and soothing. “She’s fine but me, I was blinded by your beauty” Corey winked at her. I glared up at Corey, I was ready to go on a rampage if I didn’t get some help soon. Corey chuckled nervously, “She’s having very intense pain and shes 9 months so far. It may be time” The nurse went to my side and guided me into an empty room. “Can you get up on the table and wait for just a second?” The nurse left me in the room alone.

I use the little steps to lie on the table, a soft knock disturbed the silence in the room. “Come in” I tried to say as calmly as I could. Baron came in slowly and sat in the chair beside me, I turn over slightly and look at him. He stared straight ahead, as angry as I was at him I needed him here, Its better than handling this alone. I whimper quietly as the pain began to rise again, “ow ow.. Baron” I cried quietly. Baron stood up and pressed my head against his tummy. “It hurts Baron, so much..” I cried harder as I gripped lightly onto his shirt, “shh it’s okay babe you’ll be okay” Baron brought his other hand to stroke my hair. The doctor rushed in along side the nurse with a wheelchair, “(Y/N), Hi let’s skip formalities my name is Kelsie i’m your doctor for the night my nurse told me you were 9 months, expecting at anytime well today is your lucky day your baby is coming out tonight.” I looked at Kelsie in shock as tears continued to fall. “We’re going to have to bring you to the maternity unit asap we just need to wheel you there right now and get you all set up.” Kelsie came around to Baron and helped me stand and walk to the wheelchair.

I continued to pant and cry in the wheelchair as she pushed me through the halls to the maternity unit. “It’ll be okay (Y/N) we’ll try to get your little one out soon. If she’s facing the direction we need her to it’ll be easier.” Kelsie pushed the double doors that read “Maternity Ward” open, we turned the first corner and went into the first room.

“You, help her get undressed and on this bed now! You, make sure my tools are clean, You over there! I need you to get the baby on the screen now we need to see what direction shes in.” Kelsie shouted to the nurses, they worked like bees and got things done quickly, I was undressed and assisted on to the table in position. Baron remained quiet the entire time but sat in a chair near by to hold my hand.

The screen showed my baby girl, Even though I was a mess I was so glad to see her I wanted to hold her in my arms immediately. Kelsie scooted her chair in front of me as she began to prepare herself, she looked up at the screen and nodded to herself as she pulled her mask up. “(Y/N) shes in the right direction i’m gonna need you to push okay?” I didn’t trust anyone but kelsie right now, I followed what she said and immediately grab ahold of Baron’s hand as I cried out in pain. “I know …I know..you’re doing great babe” Baron kissed the top of my hand.

The last push couldn’t be anymore painful, I reached out for the baby but kelsie handed her off to the nurse, “Where are they taking my Baby?” I panic. Kelsie looked slightly worried and whispered something to Baron and left the room. “Baron. Where’s my little girl.. I want to hold her.” I began to shout, I knew from the movies when they took a baby away nothing good was happening. “They had to bring her to the NICU, she needs assistance breathing” Baron balled his hand into a fist out of frustration. My breathing picked up, I began to put my legs over the bed. “WOAH what are you doing?” Baron blocked me from getting down. My heart pounded against my chest, “Baron please… go check on our little girl please.. Go follow them.. Go…” I pushed him towards the door, walking on his own he took on a jog around to look for the NICU.

I slowly walked back and climbed up on the bed praying and hoping my little girl was going to be okay. I was completely drained after using my last bit of strength to push Baron out. I wanted to sleep but I needed to know whats going on with my baby.

****

My heart pounded hard against my chest as I looked for the NICU, Finally stumbling upon it Kelsie finally stepped out with a sigh. “Doctor Kelsie, Is she okay? Well will she?” I swipe off my beanie and run a hand through my hair.

“As of right now we are unsure. She isn’t breathing on her own. We will give it until overnight. I will personally stay and watch if you are alright with this.” Kelsie clipped her pen back onto the clip board. “Y-yes please..” I sighed and turned back to head towards (Y/N)’s room.

I open the door quietly, her eyes fluttered open. While yet she was like this she looked beautiful.. I was proud of her, I was shitty and I knew it. I had to make it right not for just us..but for her. For our little girl.

****

“What did they say?” I lick my lips everything felt dry, my throat and mouth just completely dry. I watched Baron pulled the chair to face me. “She’s on a tube at the moment. Kelsie is going to watch over her tonight and let me know if anything happens.” Baron sat back and bounced his leg.

“Listen, (Y/N) i’m sorr–”

“Baron..please.. Not now…we’ll talk later..I think I’m going to rest..I don’t want you to stay the night please.. Just go..” I close my eyes and ran my hand through my hair. He sighed quietly and stood to leave. Even though this was the moment I needed him in I was still upset with him, I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep.

****

I shut the door quietly and headed out to the main lobby, I noticed Corey sitting scrolling through his phone. I sit beside him with a sigh, he put a hand on my back and patted it.

“Explain everything in depth and detail” Corey crossed his arms and looked over to me. I rubbed my face in frustration, “This is my fault Corey, we had big argument, she refuse to let me drive, you came along luckily…now our little girl is in the NICU and (Y/N) doesn’t want me to stay up there with her.” I look down as a tear fell from my eye. “Look, I know YOU know because even I know how stubborn (Y/N) can be you gotta shut her up first before she shuts you up, what ever happen apologize and forgive honestly. Secondly why are you blaming yourself for something out of your control? You can’t prevent what happen so if shes in the NICU you have to let the doctors do what they do so that she’s okay. Lastly you and (Y/N) are gonna have to make up whatever is going on the last thing you want is for a newborn baby to probably hear you guys argue. It may not matter now because she won’t remember but listen to me you need to squash it now.” Corey stood up and held his hand out to me. I grip it and pulled him in for a hug, he was an amazing best friend always giving me the best advice and I had to follow through.

The dawn dragged in as the clock striked 6am we still sat and waited. Kelsie appeared from the corner and walked over to me. “Good news, your little girl is breathing she’s sleeping right now but at 6:30am we unlock the nursery door just bring this card up and they’ll bring her to you…have a lovely night Baron” Kelsie placed a hand on my shoulder and walked off to the doors. I was happy I can hold my baby girl, Corey and I stood up and headed back to the maternity unit.

By the time we made it the nurses were checking the babies and feeding some. I knocked softly on the door and hand the card to the nurse, she smiled and roamed over to a bassinet she slowly picked the baby up and began to walk back. My heart pounded before I even saw her, I wasn’t sure if I was ready to see her. The nurse stopped and moved closer to me and placed her in my arms, Corey peeked over and put his finger in her tiny hands.

I was a tough guy but my own daughter.. I was happy to see her and i’ll admit it I had a few tears to shed. “We should go find (Y/N) and see if shes awake..” Corey began heading towards the main hall. I walked slowly as I tried to take in my little girl’s features. Her cheeks were small and round just like her mom’s, her skin was light and soft. I couldn’t tear my eyes away.

****

I could hear cooing noises but i thought I was still asleep. My eyes open slowly and the cooing continued, I sat up quickly and my heart dropped. Baron sat against the wall and played with our baby girl in his arms. Tears began to flow from eyes, Baron looked up at me and carried her to me. “Shhh….(Y/N) hold her” Baron placed her in my arms and kissed my forehead. “ I love you and I love her.. I’m sorry.” I couldn’t be mad at him anymore.. I knew he meant it.. We created this child i’m holding and I needed him as much as he needed me and our baby. I couldn’t be happier. “One more thing (Y/N)” I look over to Baron who had stepped back and pulled out a box, kneeling down he opened it and reveal a diamond ring.

I looked at him shockingly and nodded speechless as more tears fell. He stood and place the ring on my finger as I held the baby close. I smile up at him and pull him down for a quick kiss. “Corey wanted to know whats the baby’s name, by the way we clearly haven’t decided one…” Baron kneeled back down and laid his head against the bed. He was right we haven’t decided a name for her, closing my eyes and think for a second. “Emersyn Hope Corbin” I look up at Baron for approval, smiling big he nodded. “I love it..” I look down and continued to play with Emersyn.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

I tell him in plain language I haven't eaten and have no money for food. He offers to loan me money and that I can come over. But it's -2 and all my cold weather wear is garbage from the 5 min I spent just going to the store. He says he has to charge his phone. I'm like OK but u can also do it on your laptop. "yeah but then I'd have to find my wallet". I gave a huge exaggerated laugh because who the fuck responds to someone asking to eat like 5hat? He thinks my reply is weird. I tell him I assume he's joking so I'm laughing otherwise I'm just depressed. He replies, "do you need money now?"

SO GCDFHJFFDXDJKCFYBVXSSJKCF

DO I NEED TO EAT TODAY? DO I? GYESS NOT BECAYSE I WOYLDNT WANT TO BORHER YOU TO FIND YOUR FUCKING WALLET.

the only mature non combative response I had was no response because I'm not even dignifying such a stupid fucking question with a response. Fuck you man. Just fuck you. I'd get more respect sucking dick for 40$. Quicker too.

And I'm trying soooooooo hard and it's just nothing. I'm doing nothing but expending the absolute most amount of effort I currently have before becoming sooo exhausted and frustrated that I'm becoming impulsively violent - much like traits I had very young that I worked to control. Like my day consists of waking up and being brought home. I smoke weed, find a podcast or video or movie to listen to but barely pay attention and try to bring myself to do anything. Like changing my clothes from yesterday. Going out to get food (which if I do is my entire morning and I'm done after). Lately I want soooo badly to get back into my shit. I used to be productive. Like I lost alllllllllllllllllllllllll drive for anything. I cannot fathom going to a job. My whole disposition says I want to die every moment I'm awake. I watched this doc about this crazy lady who starved to death in an abandoned house on an occupied street like ppl walked by the house she had neighbors but she like actively chose to just starve and die. And everyone's so confused like oh the neighbors were there she could've gotten food but no. I get this lady. I am this lady right now. I am in an abandoned house that is my body and my neighbors can see I'm here but they don't care if anyone is home. They wouldn't feed me.

In some ways I was like oh no. This lady is me. But she was delusional. Like she made ppl up. I haven't ever. But I am becoming like my mother more and more but I guess I empathize more. This lady was so depressed like she really wanted to die all the time and she was miserable and couldn't keep friends and I get it now. I got it before but now I really get it because there's no choice anymore. At some point you like... You're standing on the edge of the abyss and then u let go and from that point on its just free falling out of control. You can't stop it once it's hit full momentum. And I'm screaming cuz I did the drugs. And I can do them again so I can placebo effectvmyself for 2 weeks and crash again. I am existing solely for the purpose of a few other ppl right now. Like I can't die right here because my roommate has to find it and he's the last person I want to find dead me. Like if a stranger could spot a body that is me, that'd be good. Or like a dog finds me first. I want to go in a forest. I want my body to refuel the earth and I want animals to tear me apart like when the Indians let vultures eat their dead. I'm dead you know. People have too much control. I'm used to no control and I embrace the lack of control one has in death despite society trying sooo hard. And I'm still there you know cuz I want to control when I die. I wan5 to choose and death is not about choice. And it's hard to die. Killing yourself takes like extreme effort. I cannot selfishly take my cats with me tho I want to. I want to die with my cat in my arms, the only thing that ever really loved me besides my dad. I just want to go far far out where it's no coming back. Like even if I last minute didn't want to I want to be so far out in the woods I can5 make it back in such condition so I just die because wanting to live is the moment of weakness. This is not a moment. I am not in a decade long moment. I am suffering and I hurt and the "system" is a fools game. Like it took 100 yrs to accept certain medications and procedures as fucked up because it takes society 100 yrs to figure anything out and like I guess my hope is that because we're evolving technology so fast maybe in 5 years they will know how to fix depression. They will look in my brain and s3e the suffering and fix it. And I'll flick a switch and my memories will be neutral in feeling, not ptsd.

It's not even ptsd anymore. No, it's not JUST ptsd anymore. It's the starting long term effects of poverty. It's like.. My own mental issues maturing with me as I'm getting older and it's not easier at all?

Like I tried to do my shop and realized its so half assed and like I can't be this age and present this level of effort. I can do better I just chose not to but I spend effort doing it half assed still. I took apart 80% of my jewelry and have yet to go back to it because why. And that's sad. Like I have to be careful now to maintain what I do have or I may not care enough to do it again. I have alllllllllllllllllllllllll the time in the world to do something. Anything. Any. Thing. And I've listened to 350 episodes of last podcast, know deeply a 38 yr old man I never met who plays video games online, watched anything deemed good on Netflix, am totally up to date on s3veral news websites and podcasts and I smoke like 400$ worth of weed a month.

I don't even want to know me.

But like.. I don't pretend I just don't talk. I talk to others, share commentary occasionally but I just don't talk about anything. I especially don't talk about how depressed I am because it just bothers ppl and creates both positive and negative opinions none of which are helpful to the illness.

So im very very secluded. And I used to use isolated but that's negative. That's saying I'm forced into it. I'm forcing it. I'm not. I actively choose it now so I am secluded and extremely private.

I'm still trying though? Like I don't even know why. Today I signed up for usertesting sites because I already do contract tests for consumer reviews so maybe I'll make some money but at the same time I feel like its another dead end. Just go work at McDonald's.

Art wise, there is so much I could do to revamp my shop. All new, well made jewelry. I need all new photos including ones of my art with close ups and stuff. I want to "graduate" my art skills a bit. Like really make nice well cut paper with borders for matting and start to sign my work and like all of this means higher quality so a higher price. I can do fucking better. And honestly I'm not doing anything else right now. My mind is completely disabled and to consider working is laughable now. I know I'm not going to so I can stop being anxious about it. Fuck em. I've been doing a depression project for charity cuz that's what I did earlier this year too but this one is more personal. I have 3/5 of what I wanted for my goal but at the same time what I made is so.. Average. It's not great at all. It's just iok and does the job and I tried my best but maybe I didn't? The fact 3/5 have all turned out with fairly major issues makes me feel less inclined to continue and the whole thing pointless cuz why give something to the homeless that sucks. So u can feel good?

I don't want therapy or medication. I deeply hate society and most of humanity. I used to be OK with it and I wanted to be apart of it but I was so shit on by so many people that I can't do it anymore. It's not worth it. 30 years of shit for like 30 y3ars of average? Cool.

Still trying tho. Still asked for money for food and I'll go hungry today but I'll havevmoney tomorrow I guess. That's life. Me and the 45 ppl on main St homeless. Somedays you eat Somedays you don't. He will probably realize at some point he made a mistake - hopefully. Because if I have to chase him for it, I'm probably going to hang out by myself tomorrow too.

I'm now worried I have no good winter clothes and my boots have holes in them. I'm already in super debt. I have to get a new jacket and boots before it snows. I could've gotten an extra 10 if I braved the cold for 25 min tonight but I'm just so tired I don't care enough. I can't talk to anyone about this. Then I'm just poor and a burden cuz I have no job and spend money on weed. And I did. I put myself far into debt just for weed. I'm now working on this plan that since I've quit smoking I must be up some money so I'll slowly build funds back up by not smoking and not spending crazy. Which even now sounds bullshit. But I'm trying the testing thing as well. If I get my shop up before Xmas rush. These are reasons to try but I'm only trying because d3pression put me in debt. If I wasn't this sad I wouldn't spend this money. I wouldntvlive like this.

Honestly until I get this money I don't even have funds for the bus to get my birth control. At the same time tho I was willing to sit all of this out and wait but I have like 7 days to be paid and I can't go 7 days without eating at all.

I spent myblast 3$ on cat food and honestly just this run down alone describes how insane I am. Like there's no way it's OK for me to be on my own to this degree. No sound psychologist would say yes 100% clearly functioning on their own in need of no assistance. If someone described this to me in my moments of sound mind I would be like this bitch is dead in atleast 5 years. Prob less. Meds aren't enough. Therapy is not enough. And I don't deserve to be in a psych ward because my capacity for reasoning and logic is fully there and it's unfair to have success in q team monitored to be released into the same conditions you know.

What am I doing when my father's gone? This because no one recognized that in a Co dependent relationship there are two people who are d3oendent not just one and instead of really assessing the situation people chose to think I was lazy and living off my father (even tho I was not) ignoring severe depression and suicidal t3ndencies. Thanks.

I am the abandoned house.

Today I was trying to get ready to leave when he said he still wanted to smoke from my bong and ohh where do I have to go that's so important. And it's not just him. It's anyone who knows myclife. They d3cided my time has less value because someone who's not them d3cided to pay me money in exchange for menial tasks. Since I don't have that my time is meaningless and they can not show up to qppts or show up late or leave late or make me wait X amount of time cuz I have all the time in the world. They work u know. But I no longer care. For the people who know me I'm no longer accepting this and just going about my lif3 without them. For those who don't, I'm no longer going to share anything about my life with anyone. I'm just as valuable as you. My time is equally of worth. Fuck you for ever thinking different.

Just remember - anyone else alive, not your problem.