#im glad the site is working so much better than the last few years

[daftpatience]

i did the "if i were joining artfight this year id pick seafoam" thing and clicked it without realizing that it means IM IN and then i spent all last night getting my ocs in order cus i was like hehe oops... im in....

[nico-idc]

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that.  Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently. 

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why. 

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now. 

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

undefined

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression. 

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory. 

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions. 

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”. 

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on  whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt. 

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first. 

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

[crimeronan]

ik youre not a therapist and i dont want like therapy or anything but im 17 and ive known i was bipolar for 3 years now and i dont know how im supposed to live the rest of my life like this. im so fucking tired. how do you stay alive

you sent this a couple days ago & i’m posting at a weird time so i’m not sure if you’ll see it but.  

i’ve been looking at this message trying to decide how to respond

because i don’t know your situation, your symptoms, how you’re feeling, whether you’ve had positive or negative experiences with medication, psychiatrists, therapists, hospitals, all that related shit

the bipolar life advice i give to people is vastly different depending on the individual. it’s not a one size fits all thing.  and there’s never even a guarantee that my advice will be the right choice

so since i don’t know about your situation or experiences or what you want, i’m not gonna tell you what to do.  i’m gonna focus on the “how do you stay alive” question and try to pen down some personal feelings. and if they help then great, and if they don’t then... this is the most honest i can be

(you can always ask another question to get a better answer. my inbox is a coin slot and i am a vending machine of varied-degrees-of-helpfulness replies offered at varied-inconvenient-too-long-intervals)

-

how do i stay alive

it’s a 2-parter, actually.  i pondered how to condense my thoughts/feelings, and it came down to these two things

1. love 2. spite

-

1. love

the spite is easier to write about than the love.  love is hard to reach when i feel like shit.

spite is where i go when i want to die.  love is where i go when i want to want to live.

maybe i don’t want to be alive.  but maybe i wish i did.  spite doesn’t help me much there.  spite keeps me afloat, but it doesn’t make the floating pleasurable.  there’s more to life than outlasting everything that ever hurt me.  i need a reason to continue when there’s no enemy to fight

so. love

i almost wrote about the spite alone because that’s rawer, realer, more visceral.  that’s the shit that CONNECTS when everything feels hopeless.  but it would be a lie of omission.  spite is only one of the major food groups, you’ll waste away from malnutrition if you eat it for every meal. or at least, i will.

“so you’ve got a bunch of people you love,” you say, “and you stick around for them.  cry on them.  support each other.  like each other.  fine.”  you’ve heard this story before

nah.

i mean - yes.  i have people i love.  i live with two partners, i’ve got a third girlfriend, i’ve got a long-distance platonic life partner.  i have a support net, i have a family i’ve forged, i have confidence that i’m not alone.  i have, in a bare-bones checklist sort of way, fulfilled my physiological human need for connection

but i could live without every single one of them.  i’m not dependent upon any of them for my survival.  i’m not dependent upon them for love, given or received.  (this isn’t a callous cruelty, it won’t hurt them if/when they read this.  i’ve told them all this, they know.  they’re glad of it.)

so.  what the fuck does “love” mean, then?

the short explanation is that it’s my love of life, of things in the world.  it’s all the little connections i’ve made.  every time i love something, a hook tethers to the universe.  hook enough tethers, and i no longer feel the need to float away.  no dissolution of self today, sir

the rest of this section is some of the things i love. partially it’s to show how i connect to little things and ascribe magic to the mundane.  partially it’s because i like thinking about things i love, i like typing them out, and i like that i could keep going for thousands and thousands of words.

i am laying in bed at 7:30 AM with the lights off and the shades drawn.  blue  light comes through the slats because it’s the better time of year, the one where i finally get vitamin D, the one where the birds chirp at 4AM, the one where the sky isn’t impenetrably black til 10PM.

there’s a weighted blanket tucked around my legs.  my partner rafi bought it for us to share because it’s soothing and heavy and comforting and helps with my physical pain.  right now it’s soft on my skin and if i get too emotional as i write, i can pull it over me like a cloak until i’m settled.

the apartment’s walls are blank because we’ve spent eight months intending to put art up and keep forgetting.  but there’s a newly-unearthed dining area in the kitchen because i finally shifted around the unpacked boxes that were dominating the space.  it’s new and it surprises me every time i walk out there.  it’s open and inviting and bright and it’s a sign that we’re making this place home.

we’ll put a cheap IKEA table by the window and we’ll probably never eat family dinners there - why would we sit in hard chairs and make stiff conversation when we could all cuddle on the couch - but my partner dev will create a place to do their art and the surface will be constantly littered with drying watercolor experiments.

we’ll hang our art one of these days, too, when our collective adhd offers a miraculous combo of remembering + having time + having motivation + having inspiration.  rafi has the most art because they’ve been collecting it for years.  i have to start smaller.  i’m not used to keeping physical objects.  dev has a few pieces thrifted or bought at local artist events or painted themselves

so we’ll put art up in the living room, my single “you are magic” flower print alongside a naked monster lady that dev fell in love with when we browsed art at a yuletide event months ago, alongside rafi’s monster girls and comic characters and book characters and literature art and quotes and abstract pieces and whatever else they have hiding in boxes.

my head protests that naked monster ladies do not belong in the living room, although the picture isn’t overtly sexual.  but then i remember that they do, actually, because it’s our space and we can do whatever we want with it as long as the lease isn’t broken.  there isn’t anyone in the local social circles who’d be perturbed by the decor, as far as i know.  i don’t have to hide anything from my parents because i live 3600 miles from them, and even though i miss my mom, the distance is good for me

there are two exquisite chairs on the porch.  they fold and recline from thrones to nearly-horizontal beds.  there are pillows and cupholders and trays and specific spaces for both a book and a phone.  i can sit there while the morning sun rises and read or play word games or browse tumblr, cup of coffee beside me, trees shielding my eyes from stabby sunbeams

there are remnants of the last tenant’s garden in one corner of the yard.  we’ve done fuckall for yardwork but plants struggle through anyway.  some seem to have sprouted by accident.  mushroom clusters populate the edges of the fence.  the apartment squirrel (there are probably several, but i like to think it’s a single energetic creature) runs back and forth along the fence & i always lose my train of thought & then laugh my ASS off at the “SQUIRREL! XD” adhd moment.  birds kick up leaf litter and play on the ground looking for insects to eat, they wiggle their tail feathers and flap their wings and sometimes they disappear and then return with friends

a little more than eleven months ago, i packed all of dev’s and my shit into a uhaul and drove and drove and drove to get to this city i’d never been in before to live with a partner i’d never cohabitated with.  we were homeless for more than a month, we weathered some financial disasters, we met some great people and some shitty ones

on the drive i fell in love with the sky.  i didn’t know how big it can get - actually, that’s a lie.  i’d FORGOTTEN how big it can get.  i’ve loved the sky thirty miles out to sea, no land in sight in any direction, just blue water and blue space above.  i’ve loved the vastness and the yawning beneath me and the knowledge that everything is BIGGER than i can fathom.  the depth of the sea doesn’t frighten me, it’s home. i don’t want to die, but if i had to, the ocean makes a soothing grave

in north dakota i discovered that i’ve been partially blind my whole life, which is a different tale that showed me i’ll never stop learning myself.  in montana we struggled up thousands of feet of mountains with the car huffing and puffing at the trailer’s weight, and when we finally coasted downward, it felt like sudden freefall.  we ended up in the pitch darkness of night on sheer winding interstates with midnight construction projects forcing detours.  the mountains felt hungry, they had teeth.  mountain cliffs are much scarier to me than the ocean depths

i bought a red bull and poured a little out the driver’s side door as an offering to hermes, because i’m not particularly religious but i’ll take help where i can get it.  slammed that back in a few gulps and shook to bright-eyed alertness and ended up behind a slow-driving red pickup truck that guided us over about a hundred miles of mountain terrain

i thought, that’s just some construction worker driving between sites.  the roads are empty at this time of night, but it’s an interstate.  of course we’d end up behind someone.  this isn’t divine intervention.  this isn’t the benevolence of a god

i thought, but it can be a little magic.  if i want it to be.  

and it was.  it stays with me.

god help me but i’ve been writing this stream of consciousness for more than 30 minutes and i’ve said nothing.  i haven’t talked about the city, the parks, the people, the conversations, the books, the tv shows, the movies, the communities, the library, the animals, writing, reading, singing, acting, swimming, analyzing, creating, supporting, building.  and i can keep going.  i can come up with hundreds and hundreds of things i love and i can write paragraphs about all of them

so i’ll stop here.  you get the picture.  love is the life i’ve made for myself, the surroundings i’ve built, the quiet moments i can capture, the inspiration i pin, the magic i commit to memory.

i had to work so damn hard for every single bit of this.

i’ll be fucking damned if i let it go because my brain tried to trick me into thinking death is better.

-

2. spite

there are people who want me to die.

i don’t mean that i have a giant entourage of personalized enemies who curse my name and plan my individual demise.  although there have been plenty of people who have not liked me much.  probably some of them would enjoy my death.  i don’t give a shit about that

there are people who want me dead because i am a dot on a grid they dislike.  a faceless anonymous enemy who meets too many bad criteria with numbers and percentages and shrinking majorities and shifting public opinion

because i’m gay.  because i’m bipolar.  because i’m autistic.  because i’m a dropout.  because i grew up poor.  because my spine curves and my shoulders ache.  because i squandered my potential, because i didn’t have enough potential, because i didn’t love god enough, because i love the wrong gods, because i don’t worship, because i worship wrong, because i didn’t seek a husband, because i never wanted one, because i talk too much, because i can’t be controlled, because i chose to leave the fold when i realized it was suffocating me, because i’m ugly, because i’m gorgeous, because my body belongs to me

pick your poison.

this bothered me growing up, a lot. i knew i did not deserve to die. but if enough people tell you that you should, a little part of you will wonder if they’re right.  that little part might become bigger the closer they get and the louder they shout and the longer they wear you down

we know the rough shape of this story, i don’t need to tell it.  mine was messy and not triumphant and i survived more by chance than premeditation.

i’m older now.  by and large i’m still young as shit - i’m 24 - but GOD i am LEAGUES away from 15, 16, 17. i know who i am. i know what i want. i know how to get it. and when i don’t know that, i find out. i tell the truth.  i ask for what i want.  i use my time how i want.  i do what i want.

there are days that i can’t access the “love” side of the equation.  no finding poetry in birdsong or sugared coffee for me, thank you, i feel like shit and the world is awful and everything is too big and fast and cruel and everything wants me to die and it wants everything i love to die, too.  everyone i love.  it’s all garbage. the good doesn’t touch me

trauma is difficult to describe.  the difficulty is compounded by the fact that my trauma is influenced by my various neurodivergences, bipolar included.  i never know if i’m feeling what other people do.  i don’t know if i’m voicing unpalatable feelings others are afraid to express - or if i’m just othering myself, admitting i’m not as human as everyone else.

there is something malevolent and monstrous inside me.  i don’t touch it all the time.  but i don’t pretend it isn’t there.  it sits in my chest and molders or radiates or oozes.  it presses at my throat.  it curdles in my stomach.  it hurts what it touches, whether that’s me or someone i love or someone i hate.  it sets things aflame with no regard for the precious or the fragile.  it tears down walls and razes shelters and begs for apocalyptic rain.

i can give this thing names, clinical descriptors.  i know what it is on a diagnostic chart, in a ponderous article, in an academic debate, in a fiction novel, in a war movie, in a memoir.  there are a thousand ways to describe this thing.  the descriptors aren’t important.  what is important is this - i have learned that most people do not walk side-by-side with a tornado-hurricane-hellfire-weaponized-open-nuclear-reactor.  this is not a “normal” expression of human emotion, this is not me trying to ascribe power to “bad bipolar feelings.”  this thing lives in me and i know why it’s there and it is not designed to be held/silenced/muzzled/controlled by my body.

it does not help to pretend this thing does not exist.  it does not help to try to reason it away or ignore it or tell it to stop.  it wants what it wants, it does what it does.  possibly if i was better at therapy or stubbornness then i wouldn’t resign myself to that

but it is fucking EXHAUSTING to try to fight something that’s part of me.  to try to reshape it, rename it, pare it down, make it consumable for the masses.  it’s a war i have never won and it’s a war that i will lose if i keep fighting it.  i cannot fight with myself.  i cannot beat my monster into submission.  if we’re gonna battle like that, head to head, me trying to cut it down, me trying to be the hero, it rearing back like a fire-breathing dragon,

then it’s stronger.  it’s always stronger.

so i surrender.

but that’s not where i stop.

can’t fight it.  can’t kill it.  can’t muzzle it.  can’t reshape it, can’t disarm it, can’t contain it.  

alright.  

so what now.

if the surrender was a full giving-up, this is where i’d passively accept that i’m doomed to hurt and destroy everything precious to me.  can’t fix it.  will lose everything, will never experience or deserve happiness, will make the world worse simply by existing.

that sure does sound like impending-doom rhetoric.  hop skip and a jump from some dire-ass conclusions.  

so fuck that, i say. 

here’s a better question.

if it has to get out, then what happens if i control where it goes?

here’s the thing.

the monster doesn’t care what it kills or destroys or hurts.  

“have a conscience, care about things, remember love, stop yourself, don’t do this don’t do this don’t do this.” 

 losing battle.  lost war.

 it’s not the monster’s fault.  the monster doesn’t have complex motivations or hates or fears.  it exists to protect me through scorched earth.  a remnant of a chemical imbalance, maladaptive coping mechanism, bipolar crazy, traumatized injury.  it doesn’t know that its job is obsolete.

i can’t change the monster.

but my mind is a separate thing.  my mind knows what matters, what my priorities are, what i find precious, what i want to protect.  my mind remembers all the things the monster doesn’t.  

my mind has learned things the monster can’t.

when i fight it head-on, the malevolence is stronger than me.  but as i am, walking with it, sitting in my bed writing this while examining the void and the consciousness, describing it, quantifying it,

that’s when i’m stronger.

and with my mind as the stronger force, i can decide where the monster goes.  what it touches.  what it destroys.  what it burns.  where the ashes land.

i do not want to be a destructive person.  i want to be someone who builds, repairs, changes.  i want to make the world better for kids like me.  i want to stop pouring more gasoline onto a fire that’s been burning since long before i was born.  i want to believe - i do believe - that positive change is better than negative.  i do my best to plant good things and enact that positive change instead of becoming a beacon of wrath.

but there are a lot of kids surrounded by people who want them to die, and not all of them have a protective monster.

so it’s good.

when i’m depressed, my mind loses its battles.  my cognizance slips.  i forget why i care.  i forget what i want.  i forget how happiness feels, how to find pleasure in quiet moments.  

i don’t get depressed as often as i used to since my meds are adjusted correctly now.  but it still happens.  it will keep happening for the rest of my life.

my mind weakens and curls up and stops fighting, and the monster is always there.

it’s a very powerful thing when it wants to be.

it wants to survive.

the thing is, it knows there are people that want me/us/whatever dead.  it’s been fighting them forever.  die like they want?  my mind says, sure, what does it matter.

the monster says, nah.  our work isn’t done.  and fuck them, anyway.

so we get up.

-

so that’s how i stay alive.

i typed this for 90 minutes and after editing i’d spent two hours on this post.  i don’t know if anyone will read it all.  i don’t know if it’ll mean anything.  i don’t know if these thoughts even make sense, much less if i’ve conveyed the feelings i have.

i love being alive.  and when i don’t, i love being a monster.  it’s good.  all of it is good.  i’ve reconciled my uglier pieces.  it’s not one or the other, love or spite.  it’s symbiosis.  i need both, i love both.

no guarantees that this is helpful, but based purely on my own life experience, these are my tips for survival:

you’ll have to find your own roots.  i can’t give them to you.  

but it’s possible to dig them in and spread them far enough that one uprooted peg doesn’t shift your whole equilibrium.  

and when you’re tired, rest, and let yourself be tired, and find the reason why you’re staying in the world. 

 i’m positive there’s at least one.

figure out why you’re losing your battles and then change the game.

if you can’t win one setup, don’t try to beat the system.  adjust your strategy.

you’ll be surprised by what you can love when you stop fighting the disparate pieces of you, and instead figure out how to use them.

[ask-de-writer]

DARING DO and the ADVENTURE of the X'IBIAN VASE! : MLP Fan Fiction : Part 16 of 21

Return to the Master Story Index

Return to MLP Fan Fiction

Daring Do

and the Adventure of the X'ibian Vase!

by

De Writer (Glen Ten-Eyck)

And

Carmen Pondiego

Cover Art by

Doctor Dimension

52630 words

© 2015 by Glen Ten-Eyck

Writing begun 08/26/15

All rights reserved.  This document may not be copied or distributed on or to any medium or placed in any mass storage system except by the express written consent of the author.

//////////////

Copyright fair use rules for Tumblr users

Users of Tumblr.com are specifically granted the following rights.  They may reblog the story.  They may use the characters or original characters in my settings for fan fiction, fan art works, cosplay, or fan musical compositions, provided that such things are done without charge.  I will allow those who do commission art works to charge for their images.  

All sorts of fan art, cosplay, music or fictions is actively encouraged.

///////////////////////

The dromedaries of Sang He’s herd were amazed at Jeremy’s ability to keep up by maintaining a steady canter to their walking.  They shifted the walking order to put the double colloquium at the center, where they could all hear. Most of what Sehang Shu was telling and responding to was material that was interesting but pretty well known to them.

What Jeremy was explaining about small unit military operations was both new and fascinating.  Sehang Shu spoke for them all as she offered, “So that is how to advance against a superior force?  I would not have expected that we would have any option but retreat.”

Nodding, Jeremy cantered alongside his friend and pointed out, “Retreat makes perfect sense sometimes.  When you must, do not simply flee.  A well done retreat in force makes it too costly for the enemy to follow.  Another option often overlooked in active situations is harassment.  That goes far beyond simply being irritating if properly done.”

The whole group nodded understanding.

The questions came thick and fast as they continued on toward Hong Wa.  It was time for noon rice all too soon, as Jeremy counted it.

While they gathered about the stove, fixing the meal, Soree said softly, “You are an excellent teacher, Jeremy.  The horses of Saddle Arabia could use your knowledge and skills.”

Daring Do acknowledged, “It is easy to see how you could be deserving of a Hurricane Fellowship, Jeremy.  I have to say, though, that I am glad that you chose Antiquities instead.”

Sehang Shu nodded, “In only a few hours, I have learned more of these matters than in my whole life before this.  I have lived in these deserts and faced these situations many times.”  She shuddered a little, emotion getting the better of her as she went on, “I have lost too many friends to the ignorance of what you spoke of so clearly this morning.

“Jeremy, why are you crying?”

He looked up from his rice, vegetables and tea.  “I am not used to this, Shu.  My family never treated me with much respect at all.  My older brother and sister both went to the Equestrian Military Academy.  The family was proud of them, even if they did not qualify for the College.

“When I did, they tried to drive me unmercifully to be the best.  No respect, though.  Always called me dummy or stupid if I made any mistake at all.  Never said anything of praise when I was right because if I was going to E.M. College, being right was expected.  I hated it.”

To his surprise, Sehang Shu gave him a hug.  “These are not bad tears, Jeremy.  Let them out.  Let the old venom flow out with them.  We here, not only respect you, we are in your debit.  You have saved lives yesterday and likely more this morning.  Ignorance is the deadliest of enemies.”

Daring Do watched in thoughtful silence and then offered, “Jeremy, continue your colloquium of Ethnological Geography.  I have been auditing your progress.  If you continue to learn as well as what I have been hearing, I will correct your grade when we return to the Royal University.”

The party continued to work their way through the vast X'ibian Highlands toward the ancient and long abandoned Imperial Capital city of Hong Wa.

Cresting a low pass in a sharp sided defile of stone, they got their first view of their goal. Jeremy took one look and dived for cover.  Without waiting to ask why, the whole party went for shelter.

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

Some days previous, in Cantrot, the partners examined what their 385 gold cash had bought in the way of repairs.

Robber philosophically observed, “At least both trucks are now fully operational and all systems required by law are working correctly.”

Tyranny snarled, “Why didn’t they fix that door?”

Overthrow retorted, “You know why!  Besides insulting the Shop Master, you got it hit by a water buffalo!  They had no parts that would fit!  At least it is secure and weather tight!”

“Drat it, Overthrow, all that I did was bribe the Shop Master to put our trucks ahead of those other vehicles!  Mere farm working things!”

Robber shook his head sadly, “That is not how bribes here work, Tyranny.  I have explained that to you before.  They are to the person as a recognition of his importance to you.  They are NEVER to get your work or things put ahead of other work.  We had already taken care of the problem and had only to wait our turn until you breached all social etiquette here by trying to get him to rearrange his shop schedules for us.”

Overthrow, trying to get a developing argument derailed, inquired with real interest, “How are the ancient X'ibian translations going, Tyranny?”

Frustrated, he snapped, “I can find NOTHING about the Heart of Discord, no matter how old the manuscript!  I have found some that date to the reign of Im Farst and the Dragon Queen, but NOTHING about the Heart of Discord!

“We have OLDER references to it in Old Middle Equestrian from shortly after the Nightmare Wars than any from here!”

While mulling that over, they got into the trucks.  Overthrow grunted sourly, “I wish that our drivers had not abandoned us.  At least the desert should not offer much difficulty to our travel!”

Robber, mounting the driver’s seat of his truck, replied, “All that we need is to take the cross river barge and we will be headed to Hong Wa.”  

He shoved Tyranny into the back of the cab.  “Just stay there and let us deal with the barge. The last thing that we need is you sticking a hoof up the rump of our passage!”

Sullen, Tyranny settled back and busied himself pretending to study old manuscripts.

Cantrot was covered by the dust raised by the trucks heading out into the desert.  Tyranny watched from the passenger seat of the lead truck as they came to the end of the road that they had been following.

“I thought that you said that this was the way to Hong Wa, Robber!  This is the end of the road.  Where is Hong Wa?”

Robber shrugged, his frustration with Tyranny utterly expressive of total contempt. “Sometimes I wonder if you listen to anything but your own voice, Tyranny.

“I said that this road will take us closest to Hong Wa!  From here on, we will be driving across the desert.  I do have good maps.”

Robber got out and began to scout the best way for the trucks to leave the road’s end.

Overthrow joined him. “Tyranny has gone completely mad, Overthrow.  He seems to think that there is a regular road going to a city abandoned a thousand years ago.  After I got it into his head that there was no road, he spouted garbage about just driving across the desert at night, steering by the stars!  He seems to think that the desert is FLAT!”

Overthrow nodded glumly. “Last meal break he told me to be watching out for the dust of Daring Do’s expedition.  I tried to tell him that they are taking an ancient dromedary route, completely different from ours.  

“I tried to cash a credit letter in Cantrot before we left.  It was refused.  The firm’s capital is gone.  If this plan does not work, we do not have enough money to get home.”

Robber stopped, stunned. “Broke?  What has happened to it?”

Overthrow aimed a hoof at the truck with Tyranny in it.  “He  did.  Those new manuscripts that he has been studying?  Over two million golden bits by themselves.  Add in our expedition costs, which are simply enormous, and there is not enough capital left to even pay the staff at home.”

Robber accepted the news glumly.  “Look, a vulture circling up there!  Not an omen, I hope!”

Both chuckled at the feeble jest.  After locating the best way to get the trucks off the road, they returned to the vehicles and backed down the road to the chosen spot.  They bumped and bounced across the margin and set out, following landmarks shown on Robber’s map.

Tyranny was fretting, “We are going too slow!  We need to be swift!  We must get there first!”

Robber, as they hit a big bump, slamming Tyranny’s head to the ceiling, replied offhandedly, “Why?  If Daring Do gets there first, we let her find the tomb and do the heavy digging for us.

“If we get there first, we can still use HER and her cohorts to do the digging for us.  That tomb is not in any of the fourteen necropoli shown in the site map. Only she knows where it is, so we will let her find it for us.”

He waited, grinning that Tyranny had not fastened his safety harness, and deliberately hit another series of bumps, jouncing Tyranny about like a dried pea in a can.  “Are you sure that we need to go faster?  We are already making over four times the best walking pace of a dromedary.  We are nearly certain to be there first, ready and waiting for Daring Do’s expedition to show itself.”

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

Jeremy signaled for them all to keep their heads down and retreat back into the pass.  When they were all safely back, he recovered his hooves and led them further back yet.  Satisfied, he told them all, “Wait here until I get back.”

He rummaged a pair of binoculars out of his saddle bag and sneaked back, going from cover to cover.  Watching him go, Soree made a few swift sketches and many notes.  

She observed, “I think that Jeremy believes that somepony is there before us.”

Daring Do nodded and offered, “Any bets about WHO it might be?”  Silence greeted her offer.  “I thought not.”

Jeremy returned silently. “ROT got here first, with two trucks.  There seem to only be three of them, all Equestrians by the look of them.  Our problem is simple.

“They have a pair of obsolete MT81 quick fire guns and what appears to be two ammo cases for them.

“Those guns nearly caused the overthrow the Empress of the Gryphon Empire back during their Civil War, years ago.  Luckily for us, Doctor Do gave you those new semi automatic rifles.  The 81s still have the range on us and may have either solid or explosive rounds.

“Doctor Do, how accurate is your map of this area?”

“Perhaps main features could be off by as much as two meters.  Nothing worse.  Is it good enough?”

Jeremy nodded and gestured them close to study the map, remarking, “A good map is more deadly than a cannon.

“See this tongue of rock going down into the valley of Hong Wa?  If we can get behind it, they will not see our advance if we are careful.  From here on, we will be in rifle range of the guns.  Do not worry about the ponies.  We need to stop those guns.  Out in the open like that, their ammo cases are a weakness.”

Corba Jai suggested, “I have been from this pass to the blind canyon the leads to that ridge of stone. I scouted it for Doctor Do during the search for cave burials.”

Jeremy nodded acceptance at once.  “That is good, Corba Jai.  Would you please guide us all through to it?”

Nodding silently, Corba Jai led them further back up the defile.  She pointed to a steep but climbable slope.  “We need to go up here.  Bear to the right of that rock needle.  Getting down into the canyon will not be easy either but we can do it.”

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~  

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[hegglespeggles]

How to write an essay you could not care less about in 10 steps

Hello. I have an essay to write.

I am also, (unfortunately) the kind of lazy, apathetic burnout who will only do my FUCKING work if I get really worked up. Usually that ends up meaning all of my papers are spite-fuelled tirades but my profs seem to like them so fine. I hope you find this particular raging tirade useful.

Today, I would like to educate the 4 of you that will actually see this on a fine art I have perfected over the years. Writing a paper, about which, you do not give a single, solitary, crumb of a fuck about. This is (you may have guessed) and excellent way for me to procrastinate doing a paper that *I* do not give a single solitary crumb of a fuck about. For best results, I recommend doing this NIGHT-BEFORE-PANIC like, a week in advance so you can fix all the NONSENSE that your more reasonable brain will undoubtedly find. But if it’s the night before and you are shit outta luck, this will get ‘er done. And with practice, you can even pull good grades outta these bitches.

 Dissociating? I gotchu. Woke up the day of the deadline to feel like absolute utter garbage? Search no more friends.  

  FAILING GRADES ARE BETTER THAN ZEROS JUST FUCKIN DOOOOOO ITTTT

1.    Go get the prompt.

I fucking mean it. Even if you are like 1000% sure you know what the prompt is asking, go to the FUCKING assignment, and copy that shit into your word document. Got the assignment on paper? TYPE THAT SHIT UP MOTHERFUCKER.

(Do you see what I fucking have to deal with)

Boom?

BOOM.

Congratulations, you now have a document, and whats more, there are WORDS in it!! You aren’t starting from scratch anymore kiddo. Fringe benefit, you always know EXACTLY what the assignment wants because its fucking Staring You Down. Not saying you have to do exactly as it says, mama didn’t raise no BITCH and I aint scared of fuckin CALLING PROFS OUT but if you wanna break the rules you gotta know what they are first

(Disclaimer: I have also been kicked out of class on numerous occasions for fighting with the prof and had full classes where the lecture WAS me arguing so maybe take my opinions of conformity with a grain of salt.)

2.    Math THE FIRST

I know, this is an essay and not a fucking calculus test. But some of this shit is USEFUL OKAY

Take the paper in question. How long does it have to be? Mine is 5 pages. A page is generally accepted to be 250 words (double spaced because we FUCKING LOVE OURSELVES) so 5 x 250 = 1250 wds. That’s the goal. That’s the pinnacle. That’s your new holy grail.

Time to split this bitch up

  3.    Yarrrrrr, CONTENT

And finally, we get to the part that is the reason why you are being an absolute bitch baby about this essay (maybe. I might be projecting. Your life is your life and im sure youre doing your best.) I Hate this part, but now with our magic number we don’t need to pull 5 pages out of the ether.

This part really requires you to know your vibe. Is this something that you have a lot of little opinions (read: evidence) about or like, only 2 or 3 big bois? Look deep into your soul and figure out which is the easiest for you to shit out, a rant or a list. a  great way to do this is to WRITE ANYTHING YOU GOT OUT

Here you can see I’ve put all of the thoughts I have about the question into a list, slapped some standard “opening” and “closing” shit around it so I can FUCKING FIND IT AGAIN and given it a good hard look. Whats the common thread in all of my opinions? That the prompt is fucking stupid and makes no sense is asking 2 different questions. Congratulations: you found your thesis. This essay, like many of my essays, bears the thesis “this is a weird question to be asking” (which falls under my broader category of “bitches aint shit” essays.)

Congratulations you have the bare bones of your skeleton.

  4.    MATH THE SECOND

 The magic number returns. All hail our glorious leader. 1250 right?

So heres how I break this down. Break off a small chunk at the beginning. For this essay im gonna split off the 250. Split that baby in half. Congratulations, now you have a word count on your opening and closing. Personally, I know I like a lil extra space at the end to get all ranty, so Imma split this puppy up 100 for my opening and 150 for the closing. WARNING: You will think that you will be able to write enough in your opening and closing to take up lots of space. You will feel the urge to give them both the same amount of words that you give your points. This is misguided and foolish. Not only will you 1) not be able to do it but 2) even if you did, that’s like getting a sandwich which is all bread. No one wants that. Don’t be that dude. Fight the urge.

 RIGHT SO. We’re still left on the other 1000 words.

If you have an idea that like, is bigger than the others, go ahead and give that puppy more of the word count than the others, fractions are your friend here and you wanna think about how much of your final product each of these babies will be. If you, like me, are an utter buffoon with no clue what youre doing, open your calculator up. Divide the remaining word count by the number of points you have. Congratulations. Youre doing the essaying.

If this is enough to get you started, GREAT! See you at step seven. BEFORE YOU GO I would like to give you this tip

5.    CITE YOUR INFORMATION AS YOU ADD IT IN.

It doesn’t need to be a full citation, just literally a footnote with something that will help you remember where its from and for the love of god WHAT PAGE IT IS ON. The you of 3 hours from now will thank you.

  6.    Filling in the skeleton

 I don’t know about you, but I cant exactly riff off of a single sentence. Like, I know what the VIBE of my point is, but like, I cant pull it out of a hat. The name of the game here is whittling down your arguments into thinner and thinner chunks that are easier and easier to bullshit. This is how you avoid that “burning building found in flames during Brooklyn fire” bullshit that memes. You don’t wanna meme. You wanna pass. So, figure out what the things you are gonna say and in each bit, keep track of how many words you are gonna write. EITHER

a)      You put how many words you think you can write on any point beside the point as you go and just keep developing points and shuffling word counts around until it matches the total for that section

or

b)     You evenly breakup the word count between all the points and keep breaking them down until you look at a subject and a word count and go “yeah that’s doable. I can do that.”

I prefer the second so LEGGO.

Ta-Da!

7.    Write ‘er up

Ahhh glad to see we’re all back together again. Try-hards who can ACTUALLY bullshit papers, glad to see you’ve rejoined us! This is the part where you take all that shit you’ve broken up into nice little chunks and you turn it into something worth reading. You can do it. I believe in you. Try and keep your citations in place.

I like to do this as a question answer thingy, like an exam, so halfway through writing mine is gonna look like this

 The handy part about the numbers is that it gives you a frame of reference for how your bullshit is going. Realized you had a lot more to say here than you thought? Dope! Less bullshit somewhere else, take it out of a weaker point. This point didn’t give as much as you thought it would? Split the difference elsewhere! This way you have checkpoints and you can see how your essay is going

And then you can go ahead and delete your skeleton work. Its time. Its served you well. For extra drama, whisper menacing nothings to it as you send it into the darkness. Personal favourites include “no one will mourn you,” “your fate belongs to me,” and “so this is what you have come to”

  8.    Citations

Theres like a million ways out there to find out how to do your citations and its gonna depend on what kind of a paper you are writing. I use Chicago most of the time, including here. My advice? Use a site like, bib.me or something to do your bibliography, and then plaster that in the bottom of your document. Use that as the building blocks to do your footnotes. Let Purdue Owl be your guide. Purdue Owl Style Guide Is A Mighty Friend Indeed.

 Also your welcome for that, “putting the page numbers in as you put the info in” shit. That took me alarmingly long to figure out. It’s a wonder theyre giving me a degree.

  9.    Proofread that shit, ya bougie bitch.

If you wanna be time effective, getting a friend to proofread while you do your citations is a great way to go. If you have a few days, put your paper away and come back to it. If you are out of friends and time then https://www.paperrater.com/ is your last hope.

  10.       Slap a title page on that shit and GET IT SUBMITTED

 No joke, I have been using the same template for a coverpage all through highschool and my undergrad. There is only one title page and every time I write an essay I take the title page from the last paper I wrote. There is no beginning. Only title page. Title? Topic of paper: point of paper. For example, If I had to title this screed I’d call it Essay Writing: An exploration of mediocrity. slap the date and your name and the course and instructor on there and BAM. YA DONE.

 Anyway submit that shit an go to bed youre done goodnight

EPILOGUE

I’ve gotten this essay back, and when I wrote it, I was barely a human being. Barely capable of human speech let alone a coherent argument. I would forget the end of the sentence by the time I typed out the beginning. But I still for a 70%! is it the best mark I’ve ever gotten? no! but it is a hell of a lot better than the 0% I would have gotten if i hadnt done this. I get it. And i hope this helps. 

[365daysofsasuhina]

[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day Ninety-Three: Punk Rocker ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata ] [ SasuHina ] [ Verse: Best Years of Your Life ] [ AO3 Link ]

She finds it completely by accident.

Boredly browsing Youtube one evening when her homework is finished and IMs are quiet, Hinata scrolls through her recommended videos before something catches her eye.

Wait...she knows that guy…!

Staring at the thumbnail, there’s no doubt about it - that’s Sasuke! The guy from her school! The most popular boy in her year, and all-around heartthrob. Between his good looks, good grades, and good reputation, there’s hardly a person who doesn’t like him. Even his rivals begrudgingly respect him.

Huh...she had no idea he was into music.

For a moment she nibbles her lip, considering clicking. Well...it’s not like he’ll know if she watches, right?

Click!

It’s a cover of a punk rock song she...honestly doesn’t know. It’s not exactly her genre. It opens with him fiddling with the camera before taking a few steps back, a guitar hanging over his shoulder. He strums a few strings before just launching right into it.

He’s really good…!

Subtly nodding along to the beat, Hinata watches as he both plays the instrument, and sings along into a microphone. Now that she thinks about it...he looks the part, too. His always devil-may-care hairstyle fits really well as he bobs his head, crooning into the mic.

And then, seemingly just when it starts...it’s over. Hinata almost finds herself sort of...sad. So after a moment’s consideration, she plays it again.

This time she doesn’t pay as close attention to him, and realizes it looks like he recorded it in his room. There’s band posters on the walls. Hinata doesn’t recognize any of them, either. Scrolling down, she frowns at the low view count, and it’s been up for about two months. There aren’t even any comments. How can that be? He’s so good!

Pouting at her screen, Hinata muses in the silence as the video ends a second time. She glances to his username. PvnkR0cker. Way cooler than her lavenderlady14…

...wait…

He won’t know who she is if she leaves a comment…! She can give him some encouragement, and he won’t feel patronized, knowing it’s just from one of his classmates. Maybe that will help him gain a little confidence!

Nibbling her lip again, she clicks into the comment box and leaves a short, polite comment saying how much she liked it, promising to subscribe (which she does after agonizing over hitting ‘submit’).

...then another thought strikes her.

Knowing how popular he is at school...no one there must know he’s on here. If they did, word would have spread by now, and she’d be far from the only comment. There’s a cringe as she thinks about how those like Ino or Sakura would scream all over his page.

Eugh.

So, Hinata makes a silent promise: she won’t reveal his music to anyone she knows. If he hasn’t told anyone, surely he doesn’t want that affecting his numbers. He wants to do this the old fashioned way: from scratch.

Skimming through the rest of his videos (none of which are any songs she knows, either), Hinata refrains from leaving comments on all of them. That might be a little...weird. She’ll just do so whenever he uploads again!

Which...she hopes will be soon.

But, now it’s getting close to bedtime, so she shuts down her PC and readies for bed. Part of her can’t help but wonder if he’ll reply to her...she almost feels a little bad. Like she’s lying, hiding who she is. Then again, he’s doing the same thing. Maybe someday she’ll fess up, but...for now, she’ll play his anonymous fan.

In school the next day, Hinata rummages through her locker, humming to herself absentmindedly. Then, nearby, she hears...the same song?

What?

Looking up, she stiffens as she sees Sasuke stopped a few feet away, staring at his phone. His thumb scrolls, and then...he gives a little start. Surprise slackens his features, and she sees his eyes flicker over the screen

Is...is he reading her comment?! That was the video, the one she watched yesterday, she could tell!

Frozen in place (but thankfully unnoticed in the rush of the morning), Hinata watches as he slowly brightens, smiling. Tapping the screen, he quickly seems to type something. She can feel her heart pounding in chest. He’s replying - she’s watching him reply!

Why is she so embarrassed?!

“Yo, Sasuke! C’mon, we’re gonna be late!”

“Yeah, hold on…” Slowly walking before finishing up, he submits and then looks up to Naruto, following.

“Whatcha doin’?”

“Nothing, replying to a text.”

“Ooh, a girl?”

He just scoffs. “You’re the one complaining we’re gonna be late, let’s go.”

“Aww, I wanna know…!”

Watching them go, Hinata has to fight back a heat in her face. Why this has her so worked up, she has no idea. Is it because of her subterfuge? That...that has to be it!

That’s all…

For the entire day, it eats at her: what did he say? She has to know! In her last class, her leg bounces irritably before bolting from the room at the bell. Gathering her things in record time, Hinata dashes home to her computer.

“Come on...come on…!”

Loading the site, she sees the little notifications at the top of the screen, and the same excitement fills her. There’s two!

“PvnkR0cker liked your comment”

“PvnkR0cker replied to your comment:

Hey, thanks Lavender! Glad you liked the cover, and thanks for subbing! I’ll be sure to get more music up soon. -Pvnk”

Beaming, Hinata takes a moment to sit in her chair and quietly squeal to herself. Once she’s calm, she replies, mostly telling him she’ll look forward to his next upload.

This is so much fun…!

Hiashi gives her an odd look as she takes dinner with a smile and a bump in her step, but doesn’t comment.

Her mood is still high the next morning, humming again to herself at her locker and fetching her supplies for first period.

But when she turns around...she almost jumps out of her skin.

Sasuke’s barely a foot behind her, looking suspicious.

They stare at each other.

After a pause, he looks down to the stuff in her arms. The purple notebook, purple pencil pouch...even her shirt happens to be purple today. A light shade of…

Lavender.

...oh gosh.

Hinata balks, going pink in the face as Sasuke clearly puts two and two together. “...so,” he offers, arms folding loosely. “...didn’t think you were the punk rock type, Hinata.”

After a pause, she retorts, “I-I could say the same about you.”

He blinks...and then snorts. “Yeah, well...we all have our hobbies. And...favorite colors.” Sasuke gives a grin as she goes even pinker. “Don’t worry about it, but uh...do me a favor?”

“I-I wasn’t going to tell anyone!”

There’s a small startle. “...oh. Well...good. I didn’t even tell Naruto. Well...obviously. He’s the biggest blabbermouth…”

Hinata just nods sheepishly. “I...I hope it’s okay I found it…”

“Better you than anyone else.”

“And, um...I really do like the music. I mean I d-didn’t know it before, but...it’s very catchy! You sing really well, and the guitar’s good too.”

“Thanks.”

Tentative smiles bloom between them, and then...the bell rings.

“Well, we better get to class. But hey, uh...thanks. For the comment. You didn’t have to.”

“No...but I wanted to.”

He nods. “Well...see you around, Lavender.”

Hinata can’t help a small laugh. “You too, punk rocker.”

They part ways, and Hinata bites back a grin. Well...he might know now, but...it’s still their secret.

     Oh golly I've been writing all day working on a commission, so if this is short or lacking...I'm just a lil burnt out xD      BUT I really do like this concept. It'd be better if it was longer and more fleshed out, but...well, the point of daily drabbles is to keep them reasonably short so I don't go overboard. Admittedly I have days where I have to drag myself to do this, but...we're a quarter the way through and I haven't quit or fallen behind yet!      Anyway, I'm honestly bushed - had a long day both irl and online, so I'm gonna go pass out and get some sleep! Thanks for reading ~

[sinunamor]

An @aphsecretsanta gift for @52px !! Sorry about the late submission! Happy New Year!

Pairing: Ancient Rome x China (romechu)

Prompt: Long distance relationship, modern au

I do not celebrate Christmas, but I have an online friend who does.

Warmth seeped through his porcelain mug. Tired, lithe fingers curled around its smooth surface. A gentle press of lips, a small careful sip and the warmth spread through his chest. The morning fog rolled over the cluttered streets of San Francisco. His window presented him a view of Chinatown rising. Mr. Huang sweeping the front of his herbal shop, Ms. Zhou flicking on a neon light reading “welcome” and a “Merry Christmas” in English and pinyin for her bakery. Around them, the Christmas lights, candy canes and snowflakes signaled the end of another year.

He sighed heavily after the sensation passed, shuffling in his slippers towards the desk stationed in front of his window. Picture frames and assorted souvenir figurines decorated the corners of the mahogany desk. One frame pulled a little closer to his laptop than the rest. Wrinkled brown eyes flickered towards that wide spread of lips, those impossibly straight teeth, that youthful glint of mischief in his eyes. He sat back of the chair and took another sip. Jasmine green tea. The warm herbal scent carried many memories. He set the mug down carefully next to the frame and opened the laptop. He’ll enjoy the view better here. It must be nighttime in Italy.

***

He is the festive sort, that does not surprise me. He finds comfort in the company of others. He would send me photographs, selfies, of his travels and home in Italy. His apartment was so little, such home would be filled with many guests, neighbors, young and old. And he, the center of it all. I wonder if he would enjoy celebrating Lunar New Year with me. He’d enjoy the noise. It would be nice to see him happy.

***

He was half expecting it, Romulo wasn’t online. They did stay up particularly late last night chatting about Christmas plans in broken english and the occasional Italian. Yao briefly looked over last night’s exchange.

RV: nd you? you would be spending Christmas alone?

WY: Alone, yes, i’ll vidchat with Chen and his family...you? You would be throwing a ball

RV: Haha not this year. Decided to keep it small Just me nd my boys and my boys boys’ nd my little girl

WY: very small party so unlike you, i’m Concerned

RV: now you know how i feel!! Im always concerned when i hear you spend holidays alone

WY: i’m alright

RV: i know, i jus wish i can go over there nd spend it with you :(

I haven’t felt my heart pulse an ache in a long while. I do wish that could happen, but there is a half a world between us.

***

My name is Wang Yao, I have seen 48 springs pass me by. 48 years of hardships, blessings and everything in between. I have one son, of which I am very proud. Chen is his name, stayed in China and started his life there. He has his mother’s adventurous spirit, he attended San Francisco State. I admit, he was part of the reason why I came to California at all, but I suppose fathers are mostly protective of their children. While he studied, I was the roommate that cooked for him. But I understood fully that sons needed to make life without their fathers. When time and he graduated with a degree in Travel and Tourism, he and his then girlfriend moved back to the mainland.

So mostly, I was alone. I was too old to fully appreciate the costal nightlife and too young to play mahjong with the elders in the afternoons. An unfortunate generational circumstance of a part-time professor whose social life revolved around attending tai chi group in the mornings, afternoon chats with storefront owners and a dull lecture or two in Mandarin in the evenings.

My son worried for me. He does not see as old, he wanted me to find a friend, a “someone” as he put it, with whom to share interests and hobbies with. To attend events and explore San Francisco for no reason other than to have carefree fun.

***

“It sounds like you want me to find you another mother,” Yao joked over video chat one night.

His eldest son, Chen, laughed heartily. On his lap, an 8 month old daughter gurgling happily and wiggled closer towards the phone lens. Yao was very happy he managed a screenshot of her rosy cheeked face.

“Any partner will do,” Chen teased back. “Your children know you were never particular to any sort.”

Yao let out a frustrated sound, his hand twitched as if he could really swat his son a Pacific Ocean away. “You speak without saying anything!” he reprimanded, holding a glint in his eye.

“We just have your best interests in mind,” Chen smiled. “Ay baba, there are how many people in this world and you cannot befriend one?”

“Well, give me a phonebook of all the people in this world and I shall start inquiring,” Yao half-scoffed.

Chen pursed his lips, his baby babbling, “Yi yi yi!”. Yao cooed and sang at her, wanting so much to reach out and hold her.

“How about a forum instead?”

***

And that was how I met him. The world forum website. Chen had discovered its existence through one boring weekend spent on his school campus. It was a language learning forum but it was no secret that it also served as a dating site as it had the option to state that one was looking for a romantic relationship.

Of course what I had to offer was Mandarin, a fluent grasp on English, and some Cantonese. Yet, I did not feel like connecting with people from the mainland or the United States. The forum listed many, even unheard of languages, but none that held my interest for long. I wanted something simple yet unique, something uncommon but had a significant influence throughout human history.

I remember reading “Italian” and remembering how at one point in my life was enamored with the history of the small Mediterranean peninsula. Of all its accomplishments and failures, the dialects, the influence on art and politics. Of all the love and admiration for Italy as a whole.

It felt childish at first, but I was soon focused solely on the Italian threads, trying to start conversations with others within my age range. It was frustrating to find that it was never as easy as it sounded. Some seemed unreachable or plain dull and there was a great imbalance sent to my inbox from men than women. At first it was amusing, sending them off with an “Thank you for your kind compliments, as a man, I am very flattered” but as I was weeding out the active few with other intentions, there was not much left. I was soon logging in less and ignoring the few notifications I receive over the span of the week.

Until a “ciao bella ;)” reached me.

I do not know what intrigued me, it was not much different from the others that were sent and ignored. Perhaps I was in a good mood, perhaps I was in fact in a very bad one. Perhaps his profile did lure me in, as he claims to this day, but I responded:

“Wrong gender, it would be ‘bello’ not ‘bella’”.

Not even a minute passed before my computer alerted me of a new message.

“ciao bello ;)”

***

His name is Romolo Vargas and he is 4 years my junior. He wants to see the world, and he has been in half of it. He has 3 children, two sons and one daughter of which he is very proud. Unlike me, he is divorced and was spending his free time going to places he had longed to go as a child. He has been to Greece and Thailand, France and Estonia, countries whose name I cannot begin to pronounce. At first, I had thought I was an outlet for him to brag about his travels, about the women he wooed, but then he was always asking about what I done, how my day went, and how I felt. As if I was the most interesting man in the world.

Then the first Christmas came and he was insistent on sending me a gift.

***

“Baba, we are glad you found that friend,” Chen said over the phone. “But you never know this man’s true intentions. How do we even know a Romolo Vargas exists?”

“I’m well aware,” Yao muttered, feeling a tinge of annoyance course through him. “I’ll admit he’s a little flirty, but he never gave me reason to doubt his sincerity.”

“It hurts me to say this, truly it does,” Chen muttered. “But what if Romolo is just leading you on? What if this is a game that he plays?”

“On older men and women? Yes, I know,” Yao frowned, his tone a little harsher than intended. “Thought you had said I wasn’t that old to begin with.”

***

They would never understand the late-night conversations I had, of philosophy and bao recipes. While he was rising, I was preparing for sleep. We managed a balance of work and chat. We began to send each other pictures, photographs of our homes, what we see throughout our day and ourselves. There was never pressure or qualm to keep our discussions going, we just carried on naturally.

Then Chen suggested I should get a P.O. box instead. Bright boy.

His first Christmas gift was a small painted black rooster from Portugal, a few collected postcards from previous travels and a 3 page handwritten letter explaining the story of the little rooster, of his New Year plans and his gratitude of meeting me. I never felt so close and intimate to him before. I felt young again.

We carried on, occasionally sending each other trinkets and tokens of a blossoming friendship. I sent him tea leaves, recipes, inkstones and brushes, a book on tai chi and bonsai training. Soon my bamboo plant and bonsai pot was inhabited with little figurines from the entirety of Europe and western Asia.

The next Christmas we gifted each other the trust of each other’s phone numbers. The first video chat on our phones. When we saw each other on our screens, we laughed.

***

“I’m telling you, you look younger than you say you are! Are you sure you 46?” Romolo grinned. His backdrop was his gardens overlooking the coast. His curls, touched with glints of silver and gold lightly kissed his flushed cheeks from a chilled breeze.

“The sunlight suits you,” Yao admitted without another thought.

A soft, silent smile. Yao felt his heart caught in his throat.

“And I bet you capture it beautifully with your eyes,” Romolo muttered.

Yao wanted to hide behind his sleeve like a flustered schoolgirl. It was a sincere compliment, nothing that implied a growing love for him, no matter how he wished for it to be true.

***

This Christmas would be no different. We had agreed on only sending each other a letter as we haven’t been writing to each other lately. Yet, I had sent his favorite box of tea along with a translated poem I wrote in simplified pinyin. A silly little poem about the love of two birds on seperate nests with a grand river in between, using the strengths of their songs to communicate in new echoing melodies. He always expressed his admiration for Chinese calligraphy. I wonder what he will think of the poem. I wonder if he’ll attempt to read the characters himself before reading the translated bits.

I wasn’t so sure Romolo was going to send me something as well but I did not want to anticipate a gift. I’d prefer to be pleasantly surprised.

***

Yao opened another tab on his computer to check on his email, the local news and weather. Another chilly day as expected in San Francisco Bay. He silently debated going out to pick up groceries at the local market. He already gave himself a bread by sleeping in and missing his Tai Chi session. He stretched his lower back until he felt relieving pops. He sighed heavily, eyeing the little black Portuguese rooster. He reached out to grab it from its place between a figurine of the Roman Colosseum and a windmill figurine from the Netherlands. Yao smiled, running his thumb over the painted wing. The shine was mostly gone, but the sentimental par of him will forever remember the first intimate contact they had with one another. Gingerly, he placed “Little Romolo” back in its place, and stood up to make a light breakfast.

The lone click of chopsticks and the drone of a Chinese reporter from a streamed video on his phone were the only sounds disturbing the calm silence of his studio apartment. The cloud filtered sunlight bled through the curtains, casting greyer shadows in the dimly lit corner of his dining area. Yao rested his head on the heel of his palm, his leg crossed over the other, softly flapping his slipper against his heel. It would be nice to share the silence with Romolo. The reporter’s voice would be replaced with that of his low rumbling chuckles and gentle teases.

Yao’s lips curled up in a soft smile. Christmas would be lonelier this year.

He perked up to the sound of his phone buzzing to life. He turned his attention back to his phone and felt his heart leap. It was a message from Romolo.

RV: check yor PO box >:)

His lips spread into a wider grin. Of course the fool sent him something anyway.

Yao lightly brushed his hair and slipped into a light jacket, scarf and boots. He locked the door behind him with a an eager well-meaning click.

He strode down the hills with purpose. Simple, passing thoughts went through him. What if he gotten him a much larger present? A more expensive one? A painting? Yao chuckled at the thought. Romolo was more than capable for pulling such a stunt.

As expected, the post office was moderately busy. People in hoodies, beanies, scarves and the like made lines to send last minute gifts. Yao made his way towards his box, a small sized thing yet perfect for letters and small paintings.

Something caught his eye. His P.O. box had a note on it. Yao furrowed his brow and neared it. The note was in flowy cursive so he took some time to decipher what it said.

Look behind you <3

Yao’s eyes widened, turning around slowly before his gaze focused on a man that no longer blended with the crowd. That spread of lips revealing impossibly straight teeth and a youthful glint of mischief in his eyes. His brown curls stuffed under a beanie, still showing glints of gold and silver. A spread of lips so handsome, it made joyous wrinkles appear around his eyes.

“Romolo?” Yao whispered.

Romolo nodded.

Yao rushed into the man’s open arms, earning the stares of a few curious strangers.

It was him, physically, it was his scent, his arms, his hair, his breath. His voice. “Merry Christmas,” he muttered, wrapping his arms tightly around him in turn.

He must be dreaming.

***

“So I have my hotel room and everything, don’t worry!” Romolo explained quickly, his arms moving about the more he got excited. Yao found it endearing. They had stopped by a bakery to grab a sweet bread to commemorate the moment.

“I realize how it might have been an inconvenience for you, or perhaps,” Romolo chuckled nervously. Yao noted he looked a little older than he last saw him on video chat. He must be jet lagged. “A little strange since I did not tell you beforehand, er, outright.”

“It is a surprise,” Yao said. “But a welcomed one.”

Romolo nodded, his shoulders laxing in relief.

“How long will you be staying for?” Yao asked.

“A week,” Romolo sighed, placing his hands on the table. “I cannot stay out for too long during the holidays.”

Yao felt a hint of disappointment. There was no possible way Romolo will be back in time for Lunar New Year.

Yao eyed his hands and made the first hesitant slow reach for Romolo. Perhaps if he did not stretch it too far, he could pretend he was stretching his arm.

But he felt his fingers get caught. Pale, longer fingers were soon in between darker, thicker ones. They did not say a word, their touch molded around each other, feeling every callous and muscle. The strength of their knuckles and the softness of their pads. Romolo smiled softly at Yao, it wasn’t flirty nor teasing. Sincere. Like they have done this before.

“I’m glad,” Yao muttered.

He’ll save up to surprise him for next Christmas.

[kpopchangedme]

Capture the Flag: The Trade

Two teams, a lot of snow & a simple common goal. The only problem is that you’re on a losing streak and Jaebum, your nemesis, is way too good at this game...

GOT7 Masterlist

Protagonists: Im Jaebum & you

Word Count: 3.6k

Genre: SFW - Fluff - Enemies to Lovers - Highschool!AU - Inspiré par La Guerre Des Tuques

Lys’ note: Part of my VDay’ Collab for the @kpoptrashnetwork! Read @greasygyeom Yugyeom’s One Shot Capture The Flag: The Absconding!

In the middle of the white field of snow stands your old friend, Youngjae. His face is scrunched, whipped by the cold wind of the winter, if there were price to pay for not choosing a side it’d be that one; freezing to death. There’s absolutely no shelter from the bad weather in the neutral zone, the small flat ground separating the two enemy bases. Youngjae is still waiting to talk, trying to gather the attention of everybody across the playground, even though he’ll fail like always. You wiggle expectedly from one foot to the other, partly to not let your toes freeze, but also because you’re especially anxious today.

Nobody really knows how this all started, only that it’s been a school tradition between students for years; two teams, two elected Captains, a referee, a list of rules and two flags. Both teams spend weeks of winter building a snow stronghold, working on their strategies and praying for the weather to be on their side. Then comes the final week of the game; four evenings after school without adult supervision where the two teams face off with everything they’ve got.

“Captain Im is still staring at you, y/n.” Mark leans closer, nudging you with his elbow. “Try to not move around so much, perhaps he won’t notice how nervous you–”

“It’s freaking -15ºC, Tuan. Maybe if you thought harder about your strategies instead of studying where Jaebum is looking, you’d be able to beat Jinyoung at it for once!”

“Ouch, I’m hurt.” Mark touches his coat where his heart hides under, chuckling. “I don’t think my strategies are what’s causing our losing streak you know… I’m starting to believe your heart isn’t really in it!”

Gasping at the implication, you feel your cheeks heat behind the secrecy of your scarf. “Shut up!” You scowl and Mark laughs, only amused by your perpetual anger. He’s been bringing this up a lot these days, always teasing you about your rival. “As if, Jaebum’s the enemy and he’s an assh–”

“No fight within the teams!” Youngjae points to you both, raising his voice so everybody can hear. Your eyes catch a smile on Jaebum’s face at the other side of the playground and you curse him under your breath.

Today is the day you win; you’ll wipe that smug off his perfect face.

Im Jaebum. Your nemesis, the Captain of the Blue team. If he were Achilles, you’d be Hector and tonight; the battle of your life.

“Is everybody already here?” Youngjae clears his throat and both teams purposefully ignore him as always. “Great! Before beginning, let me remind you all one last time; no weapons are allowed on site!” There’s a collective groan from the two small crowds. “No fireworks this time! Snow and your open hands are your only tools, did you hear me Bambam?!” Youngjae sighs, discouraged. “That being said; we’ll proceed as always. You have to wear your hat from your team’s colour at all time! Each team will go back to its castle and its flag and you’ll only be allowed to leave when you hear my siren... If I see somebody trying to cross the neutral zone bef–”

“We get it! Everyday’s the same!”

“Thanks for the unnecessary intervention Jackson, but there’s no interrupting the referee!” Youngjae shakes his head, like his role is unbearable and you roll your eyes at his lack of authority. “Anyway, after the siren, you are free to leave your castle to invade the other team’s. The first team to successfully secure the other’s flag and bring it back to its own castle wins the battle! For the last fight of the year, the score is…” Youngjae pauses dramatically and you clench your teeth, annoyed. “3 – 0 for the Blue Team!”

There’s an uproar on the enemy’s side of the field while Red team stays quiet behind you. You stare at Jaebum’s silhouette as he proudly raises both arms under a thunder of claps, muffled by mittens. Show-off.

“Red team”, you growl, “I don’t care what it takes to defeat those jerks. Tonight, they’ll see RED!” There’s a loud racket of approval accompanying your words. Your teammates even begin to energetically jump, the sound of their boots on the solid snow reverberating through the air. Across the field, the smug on Jaebum’s lips straightens, usual arrogance cooled a bit by the high spirits of your troops. That’s right Im, you’d better prepare for a damn war. Your lips curl upwards, a new confidence warming your body; Red team would never go down without a mighty fight.

You barely avoid a chunk of ice flying near you by rolling on the ground and let out an angry hiss through your clench teeth. Ice is supposed to be prohibited, but amid a fight with snow flying all over the place, it’s hard to prove the throw was voluntary. Plus, you’re attacking the north facade of the Blue’s snow fort and Youngjae is monitoring the neutral zone where most people usually fight, which is south from here. The north facade isn’t usually guarded since it’s near the end of the playground, on the outskirts of the woods, and all entries to the Blue stronghold are facing the neutral zone. Still, a few enemies followed your troop there, probably suspicious you were on a special mission or something. They are right, but it’s part of Mark’s scheme. Around you, boys from all ages are fighting, pushing and throwing; your teammates are doing a great job creating a diversion.

The enemies don’t even give you a second glance; the girl attempting to climb the 7 feet ice wall. You usually go unnoticed, that’s partly why you were chosen for the special mission. In an almost all boys’ competition, you’d think they would give the only two girls playing a little attention, but they ignore you both and let you do what you want. Except Jaebum, that jerk is always picking a fight with you. For once, he’s probably fighting someone else at your own castle at this very moment.

As for the only other girl, she’s from Blue Team and a complete mystery to you. She’s a real danger though, they say she has a mind of her own and is a total badass. So far today, she’s nowhere to be seen, it’s worrisome but you can’t think about her. Right now, all your efforts are put in the endeavor that is the escalade of the ridiculously high fortification of the Blue fort. Seriously, how did they even successfully build that thing? No wonder the Red haven’t got a single win yet! Their stronghold is almost impenetrable this year. Jinyoung, their strategist, probably worked on the plans all Fall, he’s way too invested in the game, even more than you or Jaebum. The climb would be a nearly impossible challenge for anyone else, that’s why their walls aren’t guarded, but you aren’t anyone. Only Mark knew you spent all your summers climbing mountains all over the country with your father. That’s the other reason why you were chosen for the invasion today, put your skills to good use.

When you finally reach the edge of the fort, you throw both legs inside, not bothering to look to see if there’s an opponent. Down on the ground of the Blue’s castle, you lower your scarf under your chin to make your breathing easier and recover. You’re already all wet from the physical effort. There’s three openings in the huge fort, but they’re heavily guarded. They’ve been keeping the same defense strategy all week; four guys by each door while every other player is on the field. The whole point of your mission is to sneak in without a physical fight, Red has been failing all aggressive invading attempts these past days. You reach the center of the fort without any encounters, just like Mark predicted, the enemies are all out attacking your own castle.

You must hurry to grab their flag and go back before they succeed in stealing yours. You believe in your teammates back at the fort, but they can only push the Blue invaders back for so long before someone slips in and catch it. Mark is with most of your team, taking care of the defense of your Red banner. While Jaebum team’s usually opting for many strong attacks, yours voted for a defensive strategy with a single attacking troop for the last game; you and the diversion guys causing chaos outside. Tonight, things are looking great, the hard part is done, you’re now in the center of the rival stronghold, completely alone. Getting out with the banner will be easy since they won’t be expecting the enemy to come from inside their castle.

Wait a second, where’s the Blue flag? You freeze, looking at the empty lonely pole in the middle of the circular ice room. It’s not here. The flag is to never leave its original fort expect for the capture, it’s one of the rules! There’s no way someone from your team already stole it, the plan–

“Not on the defense duty today?” A boy you hadn’t spotted earlier walks out of one of the corridor in front of you, leisurely, almost teasing. He’s around 16 years old with sharp eyes and wears a blue hat pushed so far down you can barely see his eyebrows.

“Jaebum”, you groan, irritated. “Looks like we actually switched roles.” He nods, taking a step to the right and you mirror him. You’re both used to meeting like this, since Jaebum’s his own strongest attacker while you usually assume the defense of your flag. The situation appears to be reversed for the last game, maybe it’s something like faith. You’re destined to fight each other, only tonight; you’ll win. Find his weakness – Achilles heel – make sure his arrogance is his own undoing.

“Well”, he cocks his head contemptuously and you just know he’s smirking under his scarf, “I’m glad, I was a bit sad when I thought about not seeing your pretty face today…”

“Shut up”, you’re both slowly tracing circles in the room, walking around the pole in the center. “Where’s the flag, dickhead?” Jaebum laughs at your insult, the sound making your skin crawl.

“Dickhead? Tst!” He takes a step forward and you back up by reflex, colliding with the ice wall. “The flag hasn’t leave my fort –” Jaebum throws his hands to the sides, gesturing the whole empty place. “You know I love to live by the rules…”

Grimacing, you study him anew; he’s wearing a simple black coat with snow pants of the same color and a scarf is covering most of his face. There’s only one place he would hide it; under his clothes. It’s nothing new, the Blue Team used that technique very often last year, back when Chansung was still in school and their elected chief.

“I guess I’ll have to come get it then.” Jaebum frowns at your confidence, uncertainty passing on his features for the second time today.

“I know you, y/n! You wouldn’t da–” He never gets to finish this sentence, because in no time, you’re jumping on him. The boy lets out a muffled grunt when the air is expelled out of his lungs and you both fall on the cold ground. “Are you nuts?”

Right now, you don’t care what it looks like. The Red team needs a win, you won’t go down in school’s history as the first female Captain with absolutely no win for your first winter. You’re sitting on top of him, trying to shove his zipper down while Jaebum’s wiggling, panicking under you. His reaction’s off; if he hid it under his coat, he should have expected somebody would try to steal it. The struggle is draining; there’s nothing quite as exhausting as wrestling in snowsuits. You’re almost thankful when Jaebum shifts his weight to flip you both and cages you between his knees.

“God, you’re heavy!” He fails to avoid your elbow flying to his head and you accidentally shove his scarf down, uncovering his face. “Hey! That’s an illega– humpf” Jaebum winces when your fist finds his stomach, although the hit is mostly absorbed by his layers of clothing.

“I’m not heavy, you asshole!” You’re about to hit him again, but he grabs both of your hands, pining them above your head.

“I know you want a win...” Jaebum pants, tired from the struggle. “But if you hit me again, girl… I swear, I won’t hold b–”

Without warning, you jump, pushing your hips away from the ground and trying to make him fall off you. You successfully destabilize him, but instead of using the opportunity to wiggle away, you’re completely frozen still. Jaebum may not have been expecting your hip thrust, but you definitely weren’t expecting his sudden proximity. To keep the upper hand and his balance, he lowered himself on you. He’s so close that you can feel his breath on your cheek and see every single one of his dark eyelashes perfectly.

“What are you doing?” You wiggle, uncomfortable and trying to free your hands from his. If he were a gentleman, he’d let you go, but instead he holds the position, staring at you with his eyelids lazily half closed.

“Holding you down with my body.” His voice is hushed, so low it feels like he’s telling a secret. “Enjoy every second of this honey, you made me do it.” Your original confusion turns to anger at the pet name and you glare at him threateningly.

“Get off!” For a second, you still and he hesitates, seemingly pondering.

“I thought you wanted my flag.” Jaebum chuckles and hot air brushes your face. Despite yourself and the freezing weather, you shudder treacherously, body catching fire and cheeks tinting red.

“Well, there’s no way you’re giving me that…” You hate yourself for it, but when you murmur, without really meaning to, you glance at his mouth.

You’ve never been this close to a boy, let alone actually kiss one. Even if you’re fighting, this feels somewhat intimate. Jaebum lips seem so close, soft and intriguing. Blushing, you blink, trying to erase your thoughts and he shifts his weight, pressing you down on the cold ground even more. Jaebum exhales slowly, taking a moment to look around the empty room like he’s searching for somebody.

You can hear the screams mixed with laugher from the game raging on outside the fort. It’s only a question of time before one of his teammates comes in and finds you both like that. It’d be horribly humiliating, people would misread the whole situation. Jaebum has quite a heartbreaker reputation in school, he’d brush it off and laugh, but you couldn’t. You’re the one who’s the best at everything she tries, the one who intimidates the boys, you’re the first girl to be elected Captain of the Red Team; you don’t lose to anyone. Not even freaking Im Jaebum. That’s why this week of games has been hellish and you’re probably just losing your mind because of this arrogant jerk.

“I-I don’t know... I might.” When Jaebum looks back at you, you stop breathing.

“W-what?” You gulp and he chuckles again, glancing at your parted lips.

“We both have something the other wants”, he clears his throat, taking a more formal tone, “I’m proposing a secret trade.” You raise a brow with skepticism; you have absolutely nothing that Jaebum would need. “Captain to Captain.” He adds, lips curling upwards.

“Anything.” You breathe out and his expression flickers between shock and incredibility for a moment. He hadn’t realized you’d take the deal. “I really need that flag.” You need more than the Blue flag; you need to bring it back to your fort too. You need the Red Team to score one point, just one. Blue Team would still win this year’s games, but Red’s reputation would be saved. Now it’s a question of honor.

“Anything?” There’s a new longing to his voice and you hold his gaze, anxiety and perhaps something foreign growing in your stomach. You nod slowly, barely able to move as Jaebum licks his lips and glances at yours again, eyes feverish.

Maybe you’re not the only one losing your mind.

Is Im Jaebum about to kiss me? Why would he trade something as precious as a flag for that? The school heartthrob and you; it makes absolutely no sense. It’s supposed to be Red versus Blue, not Red making out with Blue. You’re both sworn enemies, this is wrong. Mark would never let you live if he found out you had your very first kiss with the infamous Im Jaebum. Still, against all better judgement, you close your eyes, waiting for something to happen. You hope you didn’t misunderstand him, you’d looked so foolish right now. Jaebum’s breath seems to creep on your cheek forever before his lips brush yours.

Right there, on the floor of the enemy’s castle, nothing so wrong has ever felt more right.

His kiss is delicate, gentle and short. He pulls back, but you stay still, eyes shut and toes curled tight, too timid to act. Jaebum chuckles lowly before leaning into you again, this time releasing your hands to rest on his elbows more comfortably.

The second kiss quickly evolves in something else, dangerous; annihilating space and time. You move too, molding into him in response and you both seem to forget yourselves. This is why people kiss so much, you think as you begin to question reality; this sensation is both blissful and alarming. Jaebum’s lips part, tongue testing your mouth. You allow him access, without really knowing how, but craving the taste of him. He explores you as you wrap yourself tighter around him, losing it.

You want more. Your tongue finds his, gently fighting and teasing it until a sound dawns in Jaebum’s chest. It’s another new discovery, an instinctive vibration that reverberates to your bones, something rough but delightful, savage but formidable. Another wrong that’s nothing but exquisitely right. You feel him smirk his usual stupid grin in your mouth, but for once you don’t mind. You want to hear him make that sound again, want to reexperience that vibration in him on your chest, without layers of clothing between your bodies.

Unfortunately, Jaebum pulls back panting like when you wrestled earlier. Fighting in snowsuit might be arduous but making out is even harder. He sits back in awe, finally getting off and releasing you. As you stand up too, still shaken up, you find the lack of him even worse than being trapped. Avoiding your gaze, he opens his coat and reaches under his sweater. He retrieves the folded precious navy flag and hands it to you with both hands, almost ceremoniously. You blush taking it, if you weren’t wearing giant gloves, you’d probably feel the warmth of his body lingering on it.

Jaebum clears his throat. “Remember that the trade must absolutely stay secret.” His words, spoken candidly, almost knock the air out of your chest. Of course, he’s ashamed he kissed you, he’s Jaebum and you’re y/n! Still, he’s the one who initiated the trade; the flag for a kiss. It wasn’t your idea.

“You think I’d boast about making a pact with the Devil? Trading a kiss for a win?” His face falls and he narrows his eyes. Already, you’re regretting your words. You don’t know much to relationships, but you’re pretty sure you shouldn’t let something fake, like this whole competition, taint something that felt as real as that kiss.

“Wow, who’s acting like an asshole now?” Jaebum frowns and you open your mouth to apologize, but he goes on: “I just meant that we’d get into trouble if people found out. Youngjae might not be a scary arbiter, but I assure you Jinyoung is terrifying. He’d never leave me alone if he knew I gave you this.”

“I’m sorry…” You nod, thinking about Mark and the rest of your Red teammates. They didn’t elect you Captain to make out with the enemy. You blush, embarrassed by your actions.

“But since you brought it up, we haven’t determined clearly what I get from this trade…” He closes the space between you, pushing until you’re trapped between the ice wall and his body. “You say I’m the Devil…”  You swallow when he leans in slowly, chills spreading on your whole body but not from the cold. He licks his lips again and you shut your eyes, expecting him to kiss you. Instead, Jaebum wet lips brush your ear, right where your red hat ends, and he blows softly, making you shiver. “Then I’ll be back to claim your soul next time.”

Your eyes shot open when he bursts out laughing, backing away. You smile, watching his eyes crease cutely. You get his reputation now; the Captain of Blue Team is deliciously handsome when he’s smiling and not being a jerk. After all, even Achilles was famous for his charming ways. A sudden profusion of loud screams outside catch your attention back and Jaebum groans, annoyed. Seems like your diversion is still ongoing.

“I believe that’s your cue; shouldn’t you make a run for it?”

You nod, looking around to plan your getaway. You’re conscious the deal was to give you the flag – not to ease your escape – but still, he points to one of the three ice corridors leading to an exit. You don’t even hesitate for second before deciding on this route, choosing to trust your occasional sworn enemy. You smile at Jaebum one last time, finally turning away and running to flee his fort. You just know you’re going to grin all the way to the Red Team’s ice fortress.

Perhaps you really traded your soul for a win after all.

GOT7 Masterlist

[yenni19]

Chapter 20

This scene contains sexual language

The next few months pass by and its a week before Sarutobi leaves back home, Jerico decides to take everyone camping on the country side of town a few miles out of the city, they arrive within two hours of drive time

Omari(geting out of the car): finally we are here....man it was the longest ride ever....

Izuke(annoyed): it would of been shorter if you didn't ask for a lunch break at the gas station a mile back

Omari: what...I was hungry...

Sarutobi: we ate before we got here....your mom made us a big meal before you left

Omari(irritated): so what....I'm hungry often....

Akamari(teasing): your a fat kid in a toned body I swear....and yet you dont gain a pound on you

Mariana: dont tease him guys....he's sensitive about his looks....the last thing I need is me complementing him every time he asks a insecure question

Omari: I do not...

All: you do...everytime your insecure

Jerico(placing the bags on the floor): ok guys there three large tents. One for me and my wife, one for the girls, and one for the boys wich has three bed areas. So split up and start setting up the tents guys

The girls including Jerico and his wife put up thier tents, the boys struggle with puting up thiers

Akamari(to Sarutobi): here let me help you...

Sarutobi: no its fine I'll do it

Akamari: no its ok...I want to...

Sarutobi(angry): I said I don't need your help!

Akamari(upset): fine...I was just helping you...but I guess I irritate you by helping too

She goes in her tent for the rest of the afternoon

Jerico: is everything ok Sarutobi...you look irritated at Akamari

Sarutobi: I'm sorry Jerico I didn't...

Jerico: its not me you apologize to its the person you just yelled at you need forgiveness from

Jerico points at the red tent where Akamari went into, he goes inside

Sarutobi(gently wispering): Akamari...

He hears Akamari crying

Sarutobi(wispering): I'm sorry Akamari

He leaves the tent and finishes setting up the boys tent, they set up the camp site, Mianari is making smores as the boys are roasting marshmallows, and Jerico is making funny jokes

Jerico: so the drunk walks in the bar and asks the bartender.....hey where are the pretty girls...then the bartender says what pretty girls....this a nursing home...they're seinors

The boys laugh as Jerico tells another joke, Sarutobi goes and checks on Akamari, he goes in and Mariana comes out

Sarutobi(to Mariana): is Akamari here?

Mariana: no she said she told me she's going for a night swim...and to tell everyone to not disturb her....she wanted to be alone

Sarutobi: can you at least tell me what direction she took?

Mariana: west...if you go straight from here you'll find a pathway down the lake thats where she'll be

He listens to her instructions and heads down the lake....he searches for her but no luck he sees a large moss hill on the other side of the lake and notices theres an opening. He goes to check it out and goes inside

Sarutobi(as he gets close): hello...anybody here?

He walks out of the other side of the cave and finds a medow with a big oak tree. He sees Akamari but is confused as what she is doing. He walks closer and freezes in his traks as he hears moaning and his name come out of her mouth

Akamari(pleasuring herself as she moans): Sarutobi....ohhh...Sarutobi....eversince that day you made me do lewd stuff as this....ohhhh....I cant stop thinking of you....ohhhhh....Sarutobi I can't stop thinking of you...(moaning louder as she touches her clitoris) Sarutobi if you were in front of me right now I'll let you have your way with me....because I love you... ohhhh Sarutobi your more than enough for me!

Sarutobi(thinking as he watches from the side): how long....how long has she been doing this....why Akamari.....why say this as I watch you pleasuring yourself

Akamari(moaning as she climaxes): Sarutobi...I love you....take me as a woman.....Sarutobiiiii.....ohhhhhoooo!!

She climaxes as Sarutobi watches her climax

Akamari(putting on her clothes): I know its wrong of me to do this....but its the only way I can restrain mysef from...

As she turns around she sees Sarutobi standing right there in front of her. She realizes he watched her the whole time as she pleasured herself

Akamari(running from him as she cries): I'm sorry...it was not suppose to happen this way .....I just needed to relieve stress.....

Sarutobi(catching up to her as they tumble on the ground, he faces her): is it true....you still love me after I repeatedly ingnored you these past few months....and yet I witnessed you pleasuring yourself and calling out to me as you finished yourself off.....

Akamari(crying): yes I think of you that way, even as you ignored me I wanted you, I spent the last few months relieving myself from time to time just so I wouldn't barge into your room and force myself on....

Sarutobi(intensely kissing her): I too been thinking of you, I'm sorry for ingoring you, making you feel lonely (taking off her clothes as he kisses every inch of her) I've always seen you as a woman Akamari.....and you are more than enough for me....

Akamari(intensely kissing him back): make love to me Sarutobi....right here and now...take me as I am

He removes her bra and underwear and plays with her cliotris, she moans as he gently pinches her clit

Akamari(gasping): I'm sensitive there...

Sarutobi(removing his clothes): sorry I cant hold back anymore Akamari....I need to enter you now...I was already hard watching you

Akamari(opening her legs and spreading the lips of her vulva): here let me help you (he enters his shaft and picks her up in a sitting position) its ok im not sore....I'll move now

Sarutobi(grunting): your tightening me...and my shaft is pulsating as you tighten my dick

Akamari(kissing him): your hitting my G spot Sarutobi (moaning loud) ohhhh...I....c-c-c-cant hold out much longer.....ohhhhh Sarutobi....finish inside me...ohhhhh!

Sarutobi: it feels good...being like this...im alomst at my limit!

Akamari: Sarutobiii!!

Sarutobi: Akamariii!!

They both climax, Akamari notices Sarutobi shaking, she puts a hand on his cheek

Akamari(sad): look if you feel guilty....

Sarutobi(grabbing her hand): I don't...im happy... (facing her) this was the best night of my life...I'm in love with you Akamari I really am...I want to cherish this moment always

Akamari(crying): I'm hopelessly in love with you too Sarutobi....even if this looks wrong...

Sarutobi(reassuring her): it's not....don't feel like it was...we love eachother and thats enough...for both of us....

They both get dressed and go to the lake they undress in thier undergarments and dive into the lake

Sarutobi: the water feels amazing

Akamari: its the best time of year to come up there and camp....this is my fourth time coming back here

Sarutobi: it must feel nice to be back home

Akamari: to be honest...I've felt more at home the two years I've spent with you and my family at Konoha than in the city or my childhood home

Sarutobi: really....but you never mentioned it?

Akamari: I didn't want to be home sick...so for the last four years I just kept busy not trying to remember how wonderful it felt being there...training hard and working part time helped alot though

Sarutobi(smiling): I'm glad you admitted to missing us....and confessing your love...

Mariana(poping out of the blue): there you two are....we been looking everywhere for you...

Akamari and Sarutobi(startled): you have...we only been gone thirty minutes

Mariana(realizing): oh are you guys...

Both: no...not at all.....we are just taking a dip in the lake....theres nothing wrong with that

Mariana: ok then hurry back once your done

Mariana leaves them alone, Sarutobi swims close to Akamari

Sarutobi(wispering): can we keep what just happened between us a secret?

Akamari(smiling): yeah...its better that way anyway....there no point telling anyone

They give eachother a quick kiss and get out of the lake. Sarutobi uses a air tecnique to dry themselves off, they get dressed and go back to the camp

Izuke(seeing them smile): someone had a good time

Akamari(staring at Sarutobi): we just made up...I finally got an apology

Sarutobi(flustered): and I'm glad we could come to a solution to the problem

Jerico(smiling): great....now can we enjoy the rest of the few days we have here?

Sarutobi and Akamari: yeah its fine

Later that night Akamari is going to sleep thinking of Sarutobi

Akamari(thinking): I can't believe we did it....(suddenly she feels a pain on her chest) what the hell...(it gets more painful and suddenly stops hurting) what the hell...

She grabs a mirror from her bag and checks out her chest....in the left center of her chest a silver hawk tattoo is marked on her chest, she gets out of bed and Sarutobi runs into her

Akamari and Sarutobi: let me see your chest....what....let me see it!

Sarutobi(panicking): please Akamari let me see if you got a weird tattoo on your chest

Akamari: yours first....I need to confirm something

Sarutobi(taking off his shirt): fine then (shows her as he points his finger to it) its a marigold flower...

Akamari(panicking): oh no.....no,no,no....shit why....this shouldn't of happened...

Sarutobi(worried): what does it mean....why the panicking face?

Akamari(feeling guilty): Sarutobi....do you remember how I'm special...how I have special gifts....well besides the rebirth and destruction gift I have one more that I barely am starting to control....its the gift of love upon others and well....

Sarutobi: what so wrong about the love gift?

Akamari(guilty as she turns to look away from him): I just had sex with you....and the gift considered you my potential mate Sarutobi....which means you are mated to me

Sarutobi(shocked): what...did you just say this thing is a symbol of our partnership for life (excited as he turns Akamari around to face him) I don't care....I'm willing to be your mate Akam....

Akamari(irritated): you don't understand the consequences of this Sarutobi...you can't be around any other females...even if they touch you....the mark will cause unbearable pain...

Sarutobi: so what...the only person I want is right in front of me...

Akamari: yeah but....we committed incest Sarutobi....I know you know this is wrong of us to....

Sarutobi(grabbing her shoulders): I don't care....I'll take this sin to the grave and let God judge me and decide my fate....but for now all I know is I love you Akamari....I don't care about what happened to me it was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced

Akamari(crying): I don't want you to regret this....I'm scared in the long run you tell me this is a mistake and I would feel devastated because I know this love has a consequence

Sarutobi: then for now we see this as a wonderful experience....and nothing else ok

Sarutobi takes Akamari to her tent and he heads back to his and falls asleep

[remelitalia]

Why SaaS Brand Advocacy is More Important than Ever in 2021

It’s no secret that the field of marketing is constantly evolving, and SaaS brands are not immune from the challenges that arise due to the fast-paced nature of the field. One great way SaaS companies can keep up is through brand advocacy.

2021 SaaS Trends that Affect Brand Advocacy

For starters, consider the overwhelming push toward personalization.

According to a Forbes article, 71% of consumers “feel frustrated when a shopping experience is impersonal.” 74% are displeased with websites that aren’t personalized.

This signals the need for SaaS brands to segment their content assets and interfaces to hone in on messages that speak directly to specific customers. Personalization will continue to be expected in the years to come, and brands will have to figure out how to deliver it.

In the SaaS industry, where every interaction is ideally tracked, the opportunities for personalization are enormous.

Changes to Facebook’s algorithm a few years ago have also caused organic reach for pages to remain in decline, though you may still be able to find some success in organic if you get creative.

There’s also the rise of automation to think about.

New and existing SaaS companies are investing heavily in AI and machine learning to reduce churn and win more new customers simultaneously. From services that provide A/B testing to conversational bots that capture leads on-site, brands are rapidly experimenting with new ways to optimize their content.

Why Brand Advocacy is Such a Big Deal for SaaS

Simply put, your content marketing strategy is at the core of your capacity to adapt as a SaaS brand. Beyond the basic benefits of driving traffic and raising brand awareness, an effective content strategy is essential to consistently nurture and onboard leads.

Conventional wisdom says that we should shell out piles of money for paid media or sponsoring influencer posts to grab people’s attention. However, is this sort of “pay-to-play” strategy really the best way to go?

In an era where social proof is such a powerful currency for marketers, it’s more important than ever for SaaS marketers to seek out brand advocates wherever they possibly can.

Who could possibly be better brand advocates than your own customers and employees? These people are already emotionally invested in your product’s success, and they know your brand better than anyone else.

Encouraging your own network to promote your content and product from their personal social accounts is a potential game-changer for SaaS brands. Rather than spend the resources to chase paid outlets and influencers, brands should focus on advocacy, which can produce better results in a shorter amount of time.

“By creating a product that solved a problem that a lot of people faced, it meant there were already millions of people looking for us when we launched,” Canva CEO Melanie Perkins told Forbes, “so when they found us, they told their colleagues, friends and families.”

Here are some of the biggest benefits associated with brand advocacy, along with some ways that SaaS marketers can get started with realizing them.

1. Overcome Content Overload

In an era where people are on their phones nearly 4 hours or more per day, your customers obviously have a lot to sift through.

While the concept of “quality content” might be cliché at this point, consider how a higher volume of shares highlights a piece of content as buzzworthy. This is social proof at its best.

Content shares and product recommendations work because people trust peers and thought leaders more than they trust brands and institutions.

Bear in mind that employees who serve as active advocates on social media can quickly emerge as influencers on your behalf. Indeed, transforming your own employees into thought leaders is a desirable byproduct of brand advocacy.

2. Expand Your Organic Reach through Brand Advocacy

No matter how you slice it, competition in the SaaS space is fierce.

Considering that there are approximately 8,000 brands in the martech space alone, SaaS companies must fight tooth and nail for the attention of potential customers.

Think of advocacy as a sort of numbers game. The more people promoting your content, paid or otherwise, the more likely you are to break through the noise and reach the people who need your product most.

When you encourage employees to regularly promote your content with their own social media audiences, you essentially amass a small army of promoters you can call on time and time again. Through social brand advocacy, you exponentially increase your social reach and potential to be seen by leads.

Keep in mind – in many cases, all it takes is for the right person to see a link and opt-in for a free trial to pave the way to the sale.

TOPO CEO Scott Albro notes that the smaller the company your prospect works for, the more likely he or she will be to stick with your product once the trial period expires:

“SaaS buyers won’t engage in more than one trial. Our data shows that this is particularly true in the small and medium size business market where buyers tend to comparison-shop less. You need to make sure that buyers find your trial first. You also need to make sure that you don’t squander that opportunity when you get it.”

3. Engage Your Employees to Help Grow Brand Awareness

Perhaps one of the most overlooked aspects of encouraging brand advocates among employees is the actual task of asking them to do so.

While most workers would be glad to promote your content, keep in mind that brands should treat advocacy like any other sort of campaign. That means having a defined strategy and measuring performance.

However, SaaS teams often have highly specialized skill sets. You can’t expect everyone to be a seasoned content marketer and social seller, too.

Instead of having employees post content haphazardly, consider some of the tools out there that help streamline the process of internal brand advocacy. You can also help them with the content of their post.

One such tool is Smarp, which aggregates company news and industry-relevant content to categorized feeds. Team members can pick up the content that speaks to them most and schedule posts for their own profiles with just a few clicks.

This cuts down on potential wastes of time on social media and streamlines the process of sharing new content amongst your workers.

Features such as gamification signal the most active advocates within any given company, providing additional incentives for employees to become eager advocates. In addition to content aggregation, Smarp provides analytics on both a company-wide and personal level to identify top advocates.

This type of system works because it makes employees from all departments into partners in your SaaS product’s exponential sales growth success, a process which Roketto Co-founder Ulf Lonegren compares to the growth of a tree that spawns more trees:

“Make your employees proud of the work they do, make them feel like an important part of the process by reminding them how the software provides value and informing them of the successes, listen to their ideas, and provide a sales chart in the engine room that tracks the progress. Set sales goals and provide rewards for reaching those goals. Provide incentives for team members to make sales. In this world of mass marketing, word of mouth often provides the authenticity that buyers want when seeking a product, so remember that every member of your team could be that one oak tree, and from one tree many nuts can fall.”

4. Supercharge Your Social Selling

SaaS customers are heavily influenced by what they see on social media when it comes time to make purchases.

This rings true in terms of how often they see content and the sharers of that content. If social posts from sales pros, marketers, and brands themselves are deemed less worthy of people’s attention than social posts from peers and laymen, then your prospects are more likely to respond favorably to content shared by a high volume of people.

Research from Sana, published in 2018, indicates that social media is the number two driver of digital sales in the B2B sector, ranking just behind onsite buying. This is how the brand advocacy strategy can really boost your sales. The more people who share your content across social channels, the more customers you attract to your business.

According to LinkedIn, 87% of social customers have a favorable view of products that were introduced to them through their own network. By promoting products via employees, you have access to personal networks that you might not otherwise reach exclusively through a brand channel.

Last year, B2B buyers looked at 13 content pieces before selecting a vendor. Similarly, 61% of customers have made a purchase based on a recommendation from a blog.

A greater number of brand advocates translates into more brand equity in the minds of potential customers, which makes it easier for sales reps to build relationships on social channels and to close more deals in shorter sales cycles.

This is fortunate, as sales cycles need as much shortening as they can get, in order to remain scalable. The Bridge Group’s Matt Bertuzzi notes that the total contract value for a SaaS conversion correlates with the number of days it takes sales reps to seal the deal. According to his firm’s data, B2B SaaS sales cycles can last anywhere from five weeks to five months.

Dennis Koutoudis from LinkedIn SuperPowers told SalesHacker that he sees prospecting on social media, especially on LinkedIn, being the key SaaS sales opportunities:

“I predict that the usage of LinkedIn Sales Navigator by Sales Teams will increase considerably, enabling them both to zero in on their target prospects with extreme precision and also to delve deeper into Social Selling. The key here is to focus on providing value, build trust and develop solid professional relationships with target prospects that will ultimately improve sales figures. Great emphasis will also be placed on the way we present ourselves as Sales Professionals on the LinkedIn platform since with such fierce competition, now more than ever, we need to not only stand out in our professional field but also to engage in actions that will significantly increase our visibility on the LinkedIn platform.”

Prospecting platforms are major game-changers in this regard. Social selling teams can use them to scale operations, thanks to smart libraries of content assets that reps can append to posts on the fly, as well as sophisticated contact intelligence data that can be used for qualifying leads mid-discussion and enriching CRM entries.

5. Keep Your Content Budget Under Control

According to the Content Marketing Institute, 46% of brands spent less than $1000,000 on digital marketing budget in 2020. Given the emphasis on automation and other tools that could potentially cut into any given SaaS company’s budget, a leaner content marketing strategy just plain makes sense.

When your employees and customers are doing the legwork of promoting your brand, you cut out any sort of middleman when it comes to promotion. While there might be a time and place for paid media or influencers, SaaS brands should focus on an organic promotion strategy that keeps costs down.

Encouraging brand advocacy costs next to nothing compared to paid media. Additionally, popping up more and more via social media could actually score you earned media mentions as an added bonus.

Rather than paying for promotion and distribution, creating your own advocates represents a more financially sensible strategy.

Conclusion

As competition continues to emerge in the SaaS space, having voices on deck to promote your content becomes a critical piece of standing out from the crowd.

Not only does advocacy keep content marketing costs down, but allows SaaS brands to seamlessly signal their authority. Rather than pay for that same credibility, why not generate it yourself?

While marketing strategies at large never stay the same for long, brand advocacy is here to stay. If you want help growing your brand awareness or with any other content marketing needs, let us know!

The post Why SaaS Brand Advocacy is More Important than Ever in 2021 appeared first on Neil Patel.

Original content source: https://neilpatel.com/blog/saas-brand-advocacy/ via https://neilpatel.com

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[angeljonghyun]

So i guess here goes my longer ramble about my feelings and thoughts. No need to read it. Feel free to ignore it. The only way for me to feel relief is to post it online in some way and although i know tumblr is such a toxic site its the only space that feels right for it. its probably full of typos and doesnt make any sense, but hey who cares.

So yeah

Lately a lot of things happened, things which im thankful for and things that help me heal, but theyre not big of a help since my emotions are so strong. As some might know im currently in a clinic for relaxation 5 days a week from 10 am-2:30 pm and its pretty tough. Being around people again, experiencing painful moments during acupuncture (they find good spots that make me cry, not even really bc theyre hurting but they just make me feel all my inner pain all at once), feeling uncomfortable around certain people there and not loving all therapists bc theyre way too harsh with their words.

The past weeks have been intense and exhausting.. and since its all about relaxing i had much time to think. I had lots of time to think about jjong. Sadly it never felt like i have space, strength and time to heal properly.

I feel lots of pain,my heart feels so heavy, im bitter and im weak? Im forcing my emotions to stay calm, i hate crying in the clinic, i cant open up properly and just dont want to cry there all the time although i know i should but i just cant.

Jjong is on my mind 24/7 like literally 24/7 hes always there, always was and idk how much longer he will be but i want him to leave. My memories and the emptiness which i feel is too much, its draining me its hurting so freaking much that i cant even put it in words and the bad thing is that no one really understands.

People may know that im sad in a way but i dont think anyone understands my pain completely, obviously not, no one ever knows how one truly feels, but its a devastating feeling. Its a feeling that makes me feel quite lost and lonely, because the only person i always believed would understand my pain was him. He was my safe haven, he was the one who would be there and never judge and just understand.

Its a really sick part of my mind which has still control over this part of my emotions, i cant trust anyone, i always.. ALWAYS feel judged and i always feel like a burden and i never want to talk about my struggles because it only causes so much more chaos or eventually i never feel like the person tries and feel all lonely and unimportant again.

Jjong he was just there.. you know ?

Just his existence caused some kind of comfort for my soul, a place to rest and feel nothing but good things for a bit although even he was hurting me too, but i accepted it bc he was far away and it was ok. He was so far away always and that gave me the chance to create the 'perfect' comfort zone. I didnt know him, he was never here.. i will just pick out parts i need and use them to stay alive.

Its not something good, but i feel like everyone does this stuff with their bias. Some more than others. I did it too much and that shows how weak and hurt my soul is. Instead of working on my problems properly i just fled into the comfort of jjongs existence, one that was so very similar to my mothers, my mother who i have lost in november 2014. winter... buried in december. Winter. The season where I lost the most important person in my life not only once, but twice now.

Jjong was like a mother to me. I cant describe my feelings for him in another way. He protected me from so much evil within myself while i wanted to protect him too at all costs and it feels HORRIBLE to have failed yet another time. It hurts so fucking much that i lost him too. He who was the biggest reason for me not to kill myself after my mom died. He who was the reason why i started eating again after developing an eating disorder. He who caused so much good in my life. He who in some way managed to manipulate me in the best possible way.

In the end it was all me, i know that, but its still the bond i had to jjong. A sick and sad one and the worst part is that i felt ready to let go slowly at the end of last year. I started realizing that i coudlnt be thinking about him all the time anymore. I want to start going to school again after 4 years of nothing but therapy. I would HAVE to let go and create a more healthy relationship. I was so ready. And then he took his own life..

He stole the opportunity from me to change. He left me here. He left me and all my problems still attached to him behind. Hes not here anymore and although i never saw him or heard or felt him in real life it makes such a huge difference to me and at the same time it doesnt. That is one of the most confusing and depressing feelings ive ever felt.

I wanted to see him in 2018.. i had many chances to see him but never one to go with me. I finally had someone to go with... and now im here.. with that opportunity gone. My biggest wish my biggest dream, the ONE thing that kept me alive for so long. Gone... all ive ever wanted was to see him live. And now.. yeah.

Those are all selfish reasons. I know that. If you even read this then no its not all i feel, but of course my feelings towards him are most important to me, its the only feelings i can work on and the only ones i truly feel. My healthy grief is there too. A distanced version of what i personally feel and no other could. But thats not truly what this post is about. Please dont judge.

So now im here and i dont know what to do.

Death has been the worst and most intense trigger in my life forever. I started being so afraid of death as a child that i could not sleep anymore bc i thought i would die. It was a horrible time, therapy followed, fear left for a few years and came back as strong as ever. Its here too now. My fear. Another reason why i am alive now, yet its not strong enough to truly shut my self destructive thoughts up. Ive noticed that around the time of jjongs burial. I was ... so ready to leave. I still feel sympathy and empathy for myself there. Bc my pain is so big. Its truly so immense but no one truly knows or cares much. Maybe my therapist, but i doubt it.

Well im now always thinking about death and jjong being dead and ive said before that these thoughts are really killing me inside. Idk where he is, how he is, how he feels, does he feel? Whats up with him... what happens??? Its so scary. I find zero comfort in the thought of him resting bc where is he? Is he resting? Does he know? Where is the man i love so freaking much? Where is my mom? Is she with him? Are they lonely?

Ive always said

When its about death, i envy religious people. They have something to hold onto. I have nothing but the unknown in my head. Another one of my biggest fears and my loved ones are stuck in there. In the unknown. And im not there and i couldnt say goodbye to either of them.

Im so bitter i envy everyone whose bias is still there and im always thinking why him. Why HIM why another person of My life why someone i love so much why when i was feeling so much better thanks to him why did he have to suffer. Will i lose everyone?

Im afraid to sleep still bc im scared to wake up to news of another loved one gone. The fears and memories, theyre everywhere. I cant escape and i hate it and dont know how to process.

The most important form of jjong to me was and still is the fictional one, although jjong as a distant human being will always be more fictional to me than real. The fictional version which i have created for my own reasons, its still there just like always, its still cheering me up, its sweet its cute and lovely, but still hard to work with bc i always end up thinking about the real jjong.

Now after seeing the pictures of his grave i rather see that image than him as a person. I welcome that. Im glad i saw the pics bc its all more real to me now, im glad i saw the burial video.. although i never wanted it to be filmed or real in the first place. I dont think i would be still as sane as i am atm if i didn’t see this stuff.

I know that im doing quite good.. i should be proud of myself i guess.. but my pain is overshadowing everything else to the point where im completely at loss of every emotion just thinking about jjong not being here anymore.

Knowledge about his passing, own experiences and the whole process, everything. It haunts me.

Its quite a long way to go i think. I always felt so close to him, we were so similar and although he had many flaws i didnt quite like, especially as i was getting more healthy and he was still stuck, i still loved him so much and accepted that. He was getting so much better from and outside point of view and maybe that was the reason why he finally found strength to leave and its such a sad thing to think about, but i cant really change a thing anymore.

Sadly. Yeah ..

At the end of this i just want to say. Please just care, be there and if a depressed person in your life gets better please pay special attention bc it might be their chance to end it all. I dont want people to die bc of that dumb fucking illness anymore and i know its not possible to prevent it completely but well..

Im tired and theres still so much more to say for me but i cant say much more now. My head hurts and i need to get up and do something in order to forget about all of this for a while.

Please stay strong, please dont give up. I promise you one day it will get better, never fully ok, but better.

Im trying my best to find joy in jjong and shinee again, i doubt that i will, but im trying. I wont leave the fandom now, but im not the same anymore. Listening to shinees or jjongs music is impossible, watching videos too. If you feel the same its fine. Just do whats right for you. Im just here feeling happy for the others and hoping that theyre feeling better slooowly each day a little. Just like i hope it to be for everyone else.

If you came till here. Thanks for caring. Please take care of yourself, you are very loved. Life is hard, but not impossible.

Stay strong.

[hoganleslie93]

how much is sr22 insurance in sc

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes from different companies :bestinsureonline.xyz

how much is sr22 insurance in sc

how much is sr22 insurance in scottishtown?? My husband has his car insurance and they say it is on the table, when is the last one in the list? so i have to pay it? :P. He should stay away from the car insurance, is he eligible for the cheaper SR22 or do i need to find other insurance too? so i can get insurance thru him for my own vehicle and i dont want to have him driver help me any help on how to get insurance. I don t want to wait any more to get my insurance but the cost of my own car would be much less if i live in scottishestown it will be over cost of car insurance as I am only 20 so its a bit pricey. it does not have any other parts that could help me to buy my own insurance policy? a quick question and im not sure it is the cheapest. I can not answer the question myself, for sure. We live in a state that does not have all of the necessary. how much is sr22 insurance in scandland? Are you driving safely ? Why would an auto insurance company want a permit to start driving? How do you know what kind of insurance policy will be necessary in the event of an accident? All American has the answer. They have the cheapest car insurance. Their online system allows for the purchase of the most affordable policy in a single call to them. It s easy to buy your car back if it s stolen or damaged. However, we also offer the highest level of protection and we have a claim assistance hotline at . If that s the story is, I have no need to drive any cars in my state, it s almost time of the next year. I m sure you can do a better job with the information about these new policies. Is it in the top rates now? I get these quotes because car insurance in SC is expensive and can cost you hundreds of dollars a month. It s almost as if the auto insurance industry is saying they can t use the rates quoted for any. how much is sr22 insurance in scottis? I know it is covered by insurance but it isn’t insurance… How do I apply?? You can contact . Just call 1-800-314-8619 I understand they don’t issue insurance for people older than 50. I was driving my parents’ car in the 1800’s but my father always told me to know the car registration & it so i know what to look for…..? I was reading this in a review and I had a very high insurance quote. When I first moved from my parents house to live with my dad we moved to the same residence, however the driver we were driving was having a car with not much insurance and I just inquired as to what was the other insurance plan of use. i was wondering whether all of this is a good idea or if it is fine. i just wondering what do I do need from my parents? and i did not read it for myself and am not sure how this would look in any.

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You ve recently been informed you re required to obtain an SR-22 form as a part of maintaining your legally mandated car insurance coverage, now what? Contact your insurance provider in order to obtain the SR-22 form, then start planning your expenses. An SR-22 document proves that drivers have the minimum coverage per state law for “high risk” insurance policies. An SR-22, or like in Florida and Virginia a FR-44, is not insurance but a certificate of financial responsibility. This filing can be dropped at a later time when the requirements have been fulfilled by the driver. The average cost of SR-22 is between $15 and $30 per month for filing costs and can range from $207 to $387 per month depending on your insurance company. Prices will also vary depending on your state. Still trying to determine what this document is and the extra costs to your family per month? Learn more about how SR-22 may impact your insurance rates and average costs in other states with this guide.

You ve recently been informed you re required to obtain an SR-22 form as a part of maintaining your legally mandated car insurance coverage, now what? Contact your insurance provider in order to obtain the SR-22 form, then start planning your expenses. An SR-22 document proves that drivers have the minimum coverage per state law for “high risk” insurance policies. An SR-22, or like in Florida and Virginia a FR-44, is not insurance but a certificate of financial responsibility. This filing can be dropped at a later time when the requirements have been fulfilled by the driver. The average cost of SR-22 is between $15 and $30 per month for filing costs and can range from $207 to $387 per month depending on your insurance company. Prices will also vary depending on your state. Still trying to determine what this document is and the extra costs to your family per month? Learn more about how SR-22 may impact your insurance rates and average costs in other states with this guide. A SR22 form is a form that the state confirms is necessary to carry insurance to drive in the state. This filing requires an SR-22 to be filed for one year and has no effect on your policy, but drivers seeking a high-risk automobile insurance policy can drop the SR-22 and get the required SR-22 form which costs over $20. The table below shows the monthly cost of an SR-22. The cost per month depends on the insurance company and your state. Depending on the state in which your state is licensed, you might want to get a on the policy to help you compare. If you live in a state that does not have any liability insurance at all, you will want to make sure you have at least liability insurance to protect yourself in case lawsuits would force you into bankruptcy. An SR-22 is not a form of . An SR-22 requirement can be filed for up to three years.  If a driver does file one, they will want.

SR22 Car Insurance In SC?

SR22 Car Insurance In SC? Get Your Rates #blank# One of the most important things about car insurance is to avoid getting a cheap car insurance quote in SC. You just have to understand this, that the states they are the most expensive for coverage of SC car insurance are California and Hawaii. They are really expensive, but in most states they are the cheapest. The most affordable states for car insurance in terms of prices and coverage are Hawaii and Massachusetts, but California and California are also some other good states with comparable rates. The car insurance companies are going to consider your individual situation differently so it’s important to shop around for the best rates for your particular situation. In terms of how you will interact with your local car insurance company can be changed through a search. The simplest way to do this is to check on the details of your insurance policy. For example if you had a bad driving record, you will need to check on how many years of car insurance have passed to be insured. You can get insurance.

How long do I have to keep the SR22 Insurance Policies

How long do I have to keep the SR22 Insurance Policies to allow I can keep the SR22 Policy  available for at the same rate for non-SR22 Car insurance? I am a driver with 25 years of driving experience, but just not sure what my driving history is, and I don t know where to start for insurance at all. What are SR22 insurance required in Indiana? SR22 Insurance is the most basic form of car insurance. The SR22 is not as important as a regular car insurance policy, but some might think that because of a high risk for drivers to get into, their insurance policy might not be appropriate even if the SR22 is required by law. SR22 is the most common form of auto insurance. An SR22 is also referred to as a “Statement of Financial Responsibility” which actually means that the insurance company has to disclose that the insured is carrying at least car insurance.  This means that even if an.

Auto Insurance

Auto Insurance and is owned by American Harvest Insurance Company. It also sells other insurance products, such will has a strong reputation with the insurance industry. You have two years to notify your insurance company so that they will take care of investigating your claim. It means that they will take care of the investigation into your claim. If necessary you may wish to file a lawsuit against them for their negligent actions in the first year and then file a lawsuit. You can only file a lawsuit once the second time is up. This makes sure that you are never punished for what you do. Your claim will be settled without any delay. A few weeks is not worth it, they make things take forever. We are so happy to work with a company that is known for their support. So if you have been hurt in an automobile accident, the company will send you to the Medical Examiner and this will be a necessary treatment for your injuries. Unfortunately, there can still be some of these people, they might have problems with their claim.

SR-22 Insurance for South Carolina Drivers

SR-22 Insurance for South Carolina Drivers. In fact, we have to admit we are not the best in terms of coverage. All states require at least like South Carolina drivers. As an aside, the state is ranked on the top of lists of most expensive places for car insurance. The only state in which you can get comparable coverage at much lower rates is South Carolina. The state insurance department has done the math for you and found that the next cheapest place to purchase your car insurance is just South Carolina. In addition, every year a State has an average or higher rate for all of its drivers. It is in a special and unique fashion that each state has different insurance requirements. What is covered is what is most important. There are many insurance types for drivers with high credit rating. There is a few things for sure: Although most insurers provide a good credit score for high-risk drivers, insurers often use this information to lower rates for reasons not covered by other factors. South Carolina drivers pay a much lower rate than the national.

How much will an SR-22 increase my insurance?

How much will an SR-22 increase my insurance? The average increase of 2% on average is a common question on many driver and car online forums. The short answer is absolutely that your rates will go up as you age. Some things that can increase your premium is that you’ll pay more if you have a DUI or are caught driving with no insurance. Also, it doesn’t always always mean cheaper car insurance as there are a variety of rates for drivers who are considered high-risk. You’ll pay more if you have a speeding ticket, for example. So are there SR-22 costs included? No, not necessarily. Not every carrier uses SR-22 filings, and not every driver needs an SR-22 filing. There’s more it has to do with your past driving history as a driver, and more about your car, such as your credit and how many accidents you’ve had in the last six years, before you can legally drive. You really could find yourself taking a higher price.

South Carolina SR22 Insurance Cost

South Carolina SR22 Insurance Cost is probably not a great idea at all. You could be at risk of insurance lapse. What if the guy doesn’t tell you the right facts to make you think he’s at risk of losing his license? There are other issues like: There is no such thing as low risk car insurance that is simple. In fact, car insurance coverage is only about the amount of money an insurance company will reimburse you in a given scenario, meaning you’re able to pay all at once. No, insurance would have to be purchased under a specific company that has a good reputation. If that’s the case, then the insurance company is a bad investment. Even if you don’t mind a little bit of privacy, this is a situation you’re stuck with. All other things being equal, there’s room for a car insurance company to have their backs. If you have it, which is not the case with most insurance companies, you shouldn.

Start Your Insurance Quote

Start Your Insurance Quote Enter your zip code below to view companies that have cheap auto insurance rates.  Secured with SHA-256 Encryption Using a credit score is not the most expensive way to know if an applicant for insurance can qualify as a cheap driver. But the process can be a bit frustrating, especially for new drivers. If you have credit card debt, you may be required to file an income tax for the first half of your term and $5,000 of income thereafter. If you don’t have the income to help cover the debt, the IRS could drop your free premiums on your insurance policy. After the length of the term, you do not have to worry about whether or not drivers with other income-eligible car insurance is a cheap driver. In this article, we will talk about what drivers with credit scores can do to avoid becoming a taxpayer. With these tools, you can do a low income tax comparison, and then find the best car.

[ladydracarysao3]

#metoo

Alright, so I was inspired by another blogger on here to get into more detail about what happened (and then some). She used the term ‘triggered’ about what this hashtag thing has done to her, and I completely agree. Things I thought were long in the past and dealt with have been resurfacing and haunting me, but I am in no way interested in sharing the #metoo on facebook or twitter or any of that.

Below the cut are the 2 main heavy-hitters of past sexual harassment and assault experiences. They are not the only men, unfortunately, but no one has time for all of the skeletons in this closet. These are the stories of the first offender and the ‘worst’ offender. So be warned about that, and feel free to not read any of this. I think this is just some bizarro therapy so that maybe these stories will stop haunting my mind while this hashtag thing is going on.

Ryan.

When I was 12 years old, I was hanging out with my male cousin who was more like a brother. One of his older brother’s friends was with us and we were reading through an email chain and giggling about it. It was a list of pick-up lines. I was 12, my cousin was 14, and this other kid, Ryan, was 16. Ryan then took this silly thing and made it personal by staring at me and asking if he could wear my thighs as earmuffs. I didn’t even really know what that meant, but it made me scared and I just froze. My cousin then said, “hey man, that’s my cousin,” and the game was over.

Two years later I was on AOL IM (I’m really dating myself with these references) and the older cousin was chatting with me about how he and his girlfriend had just been kissing. I told him that I’d never been kissed. Low and behold, that 16 year old from 2 years ago starts messaging me. I’m now 14 and he’s 18 and about to start college. He starts telling me how he wants to be my first kiss. From that point on, we were talking a lot. Everyone in the family knew we were buddies, but he had a girlfriend and no one seemed to suspect anything more. I liked having the attention of this older and really cute guy, and since he lived 5 hours away something felt safe about it at first.

It didn’t take long before his need or obsession with being my first kiss turned into an obsession with taking my virginity. He talked about how he wanted to watch the movie Kids with me and have sex while the first scene played. If you don’t know, that was an NC-17 movie from the 90s where in the first scene an older boy fucks a really young virgin and then leaves, talking about how he only likes virgins.    Charming.  

Ryan talked me into doing things like scanning my panties and emailing them to him. I hated it. It made me feel dirty and awful, but he wouldn’t stop asking until I relented. He also talked about me...bottling my juices...and mailing it to him. He was a disgusting creature. OH and I forgot to mention, he was the son of my grandmother’s best friend.

He was away at college when I went to visit my family that fall. He said he was going to come home and we’d have sex in his van after he gave me alcohol to relax me...but he had car trouble, or maybe he was all talk, I have no idea, but he didn’t show up, thank god.

I was in way over my head and had no one I thought I could talk to. I was very active on the internet (shocker) and decided to write to one of my online friends. I told him all about Ryan’s plans and how they didn’t happen, and I wasn’t sure what to think. I left my email account logged into the family computer and while I was at school, my mom found that email.

When I came home, she sat me down, fully expecting me to freak out and demand I be able to keep talking to Ryan. But when she told me what she read the email and that I was to no longer talk to him, I was so relieved that it was over that I thanked her and hugged her.

She told my Aunt about it, who told her sons, and last I knew, when Ryan tried to come around to hang out with them and their friends, they shunned him and walked away. I remember feeling shocked that they ostracized him for me, but also loved. It meant a lot.

Chris.

22 years old. Fresh out of a 4 year engagement with an emotionally manipulative piece of work. He didn’t make this list because it would definitely turn into a novel. Anyway, I’m living in an apartment, technically with a roommate, but he decided to join the Marines and was away at boot camp, so I was living alone for the first time in my life. Dating sites were starting to be a thing then, and I was on the free ones. I was wild. I had been in an unhappy, oppressive relationship, and when I got out I felt free, and dead inside, and self destructive.

Through one of these dating sites, Chris found me. I knew his name was Chris, he was 35, and I knew he was a police officer in the area, and that’s all I knew. He made sure of that. He bugged me and bugged me, but that fact that he was a cop didn’t sit well with me so I evaded him for months. Finally he pleads to just have one date with him and go from there. Said things like, “If you smoke pot or something and you’re worried about being busted, I don’t care about that. I just want to meet you.”

I relented, and we had plans for a date. I didn’t know much about him, which made me nervous, but he said it was only because he met a girl once that ended up being crazy and would call his station all the time, so he wanted to make sure I was cool before he told me anything else. (red. fucking. flag.)

One afternoon before our date, he texted me and said he was off duty and wanted to know if I’d be interested in meeting up now, so we could get over the first meeting jitters before the big date night. I was a little weirded out by it, and he said he was in my neighborhood, and well...I was really fucking nervous, but I said okay. Soon after, he’s at my door. I turned on the TV and we sat on the couch. I told him I didn’t believe the cop thing, since he was so secretive about what station he worked for, and he showed me his badge. Then things got scary.

Instead of just talking for a little bit, her started pushing me around. I was sitting on the end of the couch with my knees to my chest and he pulled at me legs and ripped them open and tried to touch me. I kept kicking him off and telling him no, but he kept attacking me. It was terrifying. He was stringer than me. We were alone, and he wouldn’t stop. I got away and told him to leave, and then he changed his tactics. He followed me through the apartment, apologizing and refusing to leave. He became more gentle and kissed me... and told me how badly I wanted it, if I would just give in.

I was scared. He wasn’t leaving. But he wasn’t being violent anymore, and I didn’t want that to return. I told him no, to please just go a few more times and he continued to kiss me and touch me and tell me how much I wanted it. What I wanted was for it to be over. Eventually, I undressed for him, he writhed hi sweaty, grunting body on top of me for a few minutes, and then he left.

I felt so used. So stupid for letting him in my home in the first place. And so fucking confused. I still thought we were going to have that date after that.... it wasn’t until his communication vanished that I realized what really happened, and what I gave into.

I felt so stupid. I felt like a whore. I hated myself. I didn’t even know that was rape until I shared a little bit of it with my mom during a road trip. She told me I was raped, and it all made sense. But there was nothing I could do about it. I had a first name, that could have been - and probably was - a fake name, and a flash of a badge. I’ve tried to find him on rosters or social media, but never did. I was ashamed of letting him in my house. I was ashamed of letting him attack me. I was ashamed of letting him win. I ultimately just wanted to forget it.

About a year later, I found my now husband - on the internet! We played WoW together for months before I ever new what he looked like. I fell for him before I knew his name. By this point we were living together, and I was finally in the most stable, loving, and perfect relationship I had ever known. I was healing from all of the shit I had been put through; being stalked my my Ex and threatened with his assault rifle; being used and abused by men over and over and over. I was finding my happiness and my husband was helping me. Then one day, I get a text from Chris. He has some bullshit story about being in Iraq as security for a year and wants to see me again. I can’t remember what I said, but I told him off. And that was that. I was glad to have the chance to tell him what a creep he was, and I stored the story away. Moved on. Until this hashtag.

I don’t know how to end this other than that. I could write a book and how I was treated by men since I was 12 years old, and how I kept coming back for more. How they made me feel worthless to the point of almost killing myself. How for some reason a man’s approval, no matter how awful he was, was more important to me than my own for a very very long time.

Now, I am in a stable relationship with a man who treats me like his queen and his partner. He is everything I ever wanted and never thought I deserved. I still deal with issues sometimes of thinking I’m not good enough for him, that he deserves better than this sack of crazy that he married. But He helps me through that.

He helped me save myself from the hellscape my emotions were, and he is so supportive when I revert back to bad days and hard times dealing with people and life.

We are expecting our first child and I was relieved to find out he’s a boy. I was terrified of the idea of raising a girl and the idea that she might be put in situations like I had been while growing up. The landscape is so much different now, it’s so much easier for predators to get into young girls heads. If I do end up with a daughter down the road, I hope I can raise her to be strong, to say no, and to come to me no matter what.

But I was relieved that I have the chance to raise a man who will not do these things. I want to raise a man who will respect everyone he comes in contact with, who will never dream of hurting someone, and who will have the courage to stick up for himself and others in the event that wrong is being done.

[allenmendezsr]

Laptop Repair Video Course - 11 Hours Of Hd Video - Best On Web!

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[365daysofsasuhina]

[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day Forty-Five: A Grey Coat ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata, Hyūga Hiashi ] [ SasuHina ] [ Verse: Best Years of Your Life ] [ AO3 Link ]

It was such an odd way to meet someone.

There had been no call for rain that morning - the weatherman had said skies would be clear as students started returning to school for the year. And, true to his word, there hadn’t been a single cloud in the sky, blue and clear above their little city. Still munching her breakfast, Hinata had decided to forgo her umbrella. The less she has to carry and keep track of on her first day of high school, the better.

Hanabi, still in primary school, bade her elder sister goodbye as Hinata called her farewell, stepping into her shoes and careful not to wrinkle her uniform. Bag in hand, she left the house behind and jogged around to the front where her bike was parked. Thankfully it wasn’t too far to her new school - not far enough to need the train, at any rate. A little while of pedaling, and she’d be there.

The crowds had been a little intimidating. While middle school had been a little small, given that there were more of them in town, there were only two high schools to encompass them all. Marveling a bit at the sakura trees, she’d parked her bike, traded her shoes, and made her way to her first class.

It...really wasn’t a very remarkable day. Not until last period, when they all jumped as thunder rattled the building.

Almost out of nowhere, a storm rolled in. And with it, a turbulent downpour of rain.

Hinata’s heart sank. Really? She was going to get soaked! Many other students began chattering about the same as their teacher tried to regather focus.

Come the end of the day, it was a madhouse of rushing teenagers trying to make their way through the downpour. Only a few had still insisted on bringing their umbrellas, whole groups trying to crowd under them like ducklings under their mother.

Lingering just under the awning of the entrance, Hinata stared out into the rain. It almost seemed to blur the view, it was so heavy! She hadn’t even brought any kind of a jacket, the day had started off so mild. Part of her almost wanted to try phoning her father to come pick her up, but...well, surely that would only annoy him.

And then...whoomph.

Startling as something fell on top of her, Hinata couldn’t help a small gasp of surprise. Struggling against it for a moment, she calmed as she realized it was...fabric of some kind. A...a coat? Grey, like her uniform. Then...it must have been someone’s…?

Peering out from under it, she saw a boy, completely unfamiliar to her. He was a little pale, with a mess of dark hair and calm matching eyes. At her look, he glanced to her, earning a small jump. “You’re gonna get soaked,” was all he told her.

“...u-um…”

“I’ve got a club to go to, and my brother’s picking me up then. You need it more than I do.”

“Oh...t-thank you. Um…?”

“Uchiha Sasuke.”

It didn’t ring any bells - he must have gone to another middle school. “Hyūga...Hinata.”

“Just bring it back tomorrow. I’ll get it from you then.”

Blinking, she just nodded, watching him head back inside. Well that was...strange. But she’s certainly grateful.

Turning back out, she took a deep breath...and made a run for it.

Thankfully she was skilled enough at riding her beloved bike, she could spare one hand to keep the coat in place as the other handled the steering alone. By the time she got home it was soaked, but most of her hair and back were dry. The rest of her...well, she got right into a hot bath - she couldn’t afford to get sick on the first day!

She’d then laundered the garment and hung it to dry, going about her homework and occasionally glancing to it. Even then, Hinata was still surprised at the gesture. They were strangers, after all.

Poking about her generation’s favorite social media site didn’t turn up anything - either he didn’t have a page, or he’d told her the wrong name. She couldn’t help but be a little disappointed. Maybe a page would have given her a little more insight about who this Sasuke guy was.

...but at least he was nice.

And so, here we are the next morning, Hinata hanging the jacket near the front door...alongside her umbrella.

“Hinata...that isn’t part of your uniform, is it?”

Turning to Hiashi, she blinks, not sure how to reply. “I, um...I-I borrowed it from a friend yesterday. To...get home in the rain.” It’s not a lie, though she’s not sure she can call Sasuke a friend quite yet.

Her father perks a brow. “...I see.”

“I w-went ahead and washed it, so...it’s in good shape. I just need to get it back to him.”

“...him…?”

A pause. Well...she’d thought it obvious, given it wasn’t part of her girl’s uniform… “Y...yes.”

Eyeing the garment critically, Hiashi just harrumphs and goes back to his newspaper.

Heaving a small sigh, Hinata goes through her breakfast quickly, giving Hanabi a pat on the head before taking up the jacket and heading out the door.

There wasn’t time yesterday to ask what class he’s in...but surely he’s a first year like herself, right? She’ll just...have to find someone who knows him and find out for sure. Of course, the story might perk some eyebrows as it did her father, but...no matter. Getting him back his property is more important than igniting a few rumors.

...right?

At least she knows he’s not in her class of 1-2 - but that still leaves four other classrooms. Peering into the first, she doesn’t spot him...but then again, she’s a little early, wanting to have some time to try and spot him.

A few girls excuse themselves past her, and she decides to just...ask. “Excuse me, um...do you happen to know what class Uchiha Sasuke is in?”

The pair exchange a look. “Why do you need to know?”

“I...I borrowed something from him yesterday, and...I need to get it back to him.” Something about their tone makes her a little hesitant to explain any further.

“What?! Sasuke-kun lent you something? What was it?”

“You should give it to me! I’ll give it back to him for you!”

Immediately regretting her question, Hinata waves her hands. “N-no, I really should -”

“Oi…”

The trio turn to see none other than their subject of conversation, expression mildly annoyed. Like a couple of birds, the other two start twittering at him...and it’s clear he’d rather they didn’t…

“I...I have your coat!”

Hinata blurts out the words in an attempt to stifle the chattering...and surprisingly, it works. Stunned into silence, they watch as she marches back down the hall, intending for him to follow.

And he does.

Glad she kept the coat in her cubby, Hinata fetches it, neatly folded as she offers it to him. “I...I went ahead and washed it. Thank you for letting me use it. I...hope your brother came and got you okay…?”

Sasuke accepts the coat, tucking it under an arm. “Yeah, it wasn’t a problem. The rain had mostly let up by then, anyway. I hope you didn’t get wet…?”

“N-not too badly, no. At least, I don’t feel sick! So...I’m fine.”

They reach an impasse, and silence falls.

“...a-anyway! I...brought my umbrella today. Just in case.”

That earns a small smile and a snort. “Good. That’ll probably work better than a coat with no hood.”

“Y-yes...but I’m still v-very thankful you lent it to me!”

“No problem. See you around, Hyūga.”

“Ja ne, Uchiha-kun!” She waits a moment to let him leave before heading on her way, not wanting to part and then end up walking next to him awkwardly.

Still, she can’t help but mull over those girls’ reactions. Is he...popular? Since he’s from another middle school, she really has no idea. But he seems cool...with his messy hair and calm expression. She can see why he would be. Mostly, though...she appreciates his kindness.

...she’ll have to do something to make it up to him. But what…?

It’s then, however, that the warning bell rings, and she jumps. She’d better get to class or she’ll be late!

     Oof, late - had a bad headache for the latter half of the day, and it's just now going away (after conceding to some medicine, lol)      ANYWAY, not too much to say about this one! A little modern high school slice of life. While I like the rookie nine growing up together, it's also neat to have them start - at least in part - as strangers. Hence them not knowing each other in this piece!      But that'll do it for tonight - gonna go pass out cuz golly that headache took it outta me! Thanks so much for stopping by to read!

[mxnark]

the best version of yourself 

december 31, 2019

mina isn’t the type to feel ashamed of herself. everyone around her new that she was confident and outspoken. whatever she thought of inside her head, there would be a 59% chance she’d say it with a 41% chance she’d keep it to herself just because she had some manners. of course, she had some class by making a bunch of rant posts on her spam rather than on her main instagram or main twitter. some of her thoughts on real life would go on her stan twitter, but she’s tried her best to keep that mainly kpop and movies. but, to be honest, she wouldn’t have made a spam had it not been for her mutuals and her friends in real life. 

this time, however, she felt emotions that she was afraid to tell anyone else. 

she usually watched the gayos on her own, since she was the only one in the house who had an interest in them because her favorite idols were on that show. however, the one she always kept an eye on was mbc’s gayo daejejun because of the amazing stages that the idols would perform. not to mention, it was the gayo with the countdown to the new year. however, this time, she debated if she even wanted to watch it considering that this was the same exact one that she made a video audition for, only to not get in. 

when she saw the post on mbc’s page, she was disappointed, but not surprised. it was bold of her to assume she would ever get the chance compared to the other dancers. when she watched the other entries, she was already beginning to feel insecure. but seeing the announcement only supported her negative feelings. however, one name catches her eye and it’s the main reason why she watches the music show tonight. 

chungha isn’t the only reason why she’s watching this, but she’s the one mina looks forward to seeing the most. it’s weird how almost two years ago, mina became a fan from watching her on the fourth season of the mgas. now, she was watching her as not only a fan, but a friend. it’s only a glow up she can talk about on her spam, but she’s able to use her excitement for her tweets while streaming. 

she makes sure to tweet about her favorite idols and their performances before the awaited dance performance comes. when it begins, she quickly takes out her phone as she patiently waits for her friend to be shown on her screen. she manages to record the 30 seconds of chungha’s dance on her instagram story while whisper-screaming throughout all of it. “ahh!!! kim chungha is so cool!!!! she’s the coolest unnie ever!!!” and a bunch of “wow!”’s and “so cool!”’s. for the group performance, she kept all her excitement on her twitter with a few pictures saved for her spam later on. 

it’s odd. before watching this, she thought she was going to feel an overwhelming amount of jealousy just by seeing chungha for a second. but after the performance ended, she couldn’t help but feel inspired. perhaps it was because of the fact that this wasn’t the first time she’s seen chungha on national television, but mina didn’t feel too upset like she thought she would. what a relief. 

she posts the pictures on her spamsta (spam + finsta) once the countdown for the new year is finished and captions it with her thoughts. after she posted it, she locked her phone, turned off her tv, and went upstairs to go to bed, excited for what was to come in the future. 

notokmina: do you see her??/ that’s the coolest bitch in the world !!!! ever !!!!!

watching her tonight gave me so much motivation tbh. i remember i used to be so… starstruck by her when i first saw her on mga4 and now i know her in real life and we’re friends !!!! i’m so glad she got to audition for this and perform onstage in front of a bunch of idols. she’s so cool!!!! 

i’m gonna work hard with future covers so that i can hopefully be dancing on that same stage!!!!!!!!! it’d be cooler if it was w her!!!! but yeah. hopefully if i work hard enough, i can be on the stage like her (and my cousin and brother if theyre reading this who knows) 

she leaves a comment under her post. 

notokmina: unnie, if ur reading this, hi!!! very proud of u uwu 

… 

january 2nd, 2020

having been on stan twitter since she moved back to korea, she’s gotten to explore the many sides of the website. though she’s primarily a kpop fan account, she also keeps tabs on film twitter. it’s to the point where she even has mutuals who are apart of that community and she frequently talks to them about her favorite movies (recently, it’s been about it 2 because she loves her best boys richie and eddie). so of course, when she asked for movie recommendations on her account, she hoped that said mutuals would see it and give their insight. 

though there were many suggestions, she chose lady bird by the end of it. she knew about the movie years ago, but she never really got around to watching it until now. she’s read mixed reviews, so she was never really able to form a solid opinion on this movie. she told herself not to expect much, since this was a coming-of-age film. but, by the end of it, she found herself in tears. she goes on twitter and writes up a tweet as a response to the movie. 

michi @noplayboy_mp3: film oomfs is it weird to say that i kin w lady bird lol  michi @noplayboy_mp3: no but the film is so good i dont want to drop any spoilers but lady bird is like… so relatable? esp bc im kind of in her situation now.  michi @noplayboy_mp3: icb greta gerwig said “michi has rights”... perhaps i will watch little women when i get the chance

before she’s about to make a tweet about watching midsommar next, she hears her phone vibrate. putting her laptop to the side, she picks up her phone and sees an email from snu. 

dear mina, 

the admissions committee at seoul national university has re-reviewed all aspects of your application in its holistic review process, and you have an updated admissions decision. you may now view your updated admissions decision in your portal.

she gasps. 

as she clicks on the link to her portal and logs in, she was immediately welcomed by the site with a big “CONGRATULATIONS!” and if that wasn’t already obvious enough for her, she looks around to find the little “status: accepted” on her page. she sighs in relief and puts her phone to the side as she lies on her bed. she’s not necessarily excited that she got into a school. even now, she was still questioning if she wanted to go to school to begin with. all she knew was that at this point, she was going somewhere. whether or not this is what she really wanted to do, she at least has an idea of where she’s starting. 

maybe now her mom would stop badgering her. maybe now she can show her that she could do things without her. 

…

“i got accepted into snu today.”

it’s used to start discussion, even though she didn’t really want to talk about it with her. it had to come out somehow because even if she was nervous with how she was going to reply, at least her mom would be aware of it. 

her father was the first to say something about it and mina wants to verbally thank him for speaking before her mom does. “honey, congratulations! i knew you would be able to get into that school.” 

“thank you,” mina says with a small smile before she looks over at her mom to see what she will respond with because it was obvious she had something to say about it. 

“why did it take so long for a response?” she asks. “you applied for early decision, didn’t you?” 

it takes a lot for mina to not say something snarky in response. she’s not going to do that now. not so soon. “well, competition’s pretty tough. a lot of kids are applying for snu. especially in my class.” she wasn’t exactly lying, but it was a better response than “i was waitlisted for a month.” and even if she responded with that, at least she got into the school. wasn’t that enough? 

her mom lets out a small “hm” before eating more of their dinner. “well, good job on getting into that school. with how long the response took, i was starting to worry.” 

mina frowns. “i got into other schools, you know.” 

“but did you want to get into any of those other schools?” when mina’s silent for a response, her mother only continues. “you said that you were aiming for snu and it took long enough in order to get a response.” 

“can’t you just be happy over the fact that i actually got into the school?” mina asks, feeling her voice rise. “i thought you would be proud of me. is it that much of a surprise that i got in?” 

“all of your friends got accepted into their schools quicker.” mina feels her grip tighten on the chopsticks in her hands. “all i’m saying is you should’ve at least tried harder or at least recognize that you should’ve done better.” 

mina finds it hard to calm down after hearing that. it’s not like she didn’t expect a response like that, but to actually hear it from her makes her laugh bitterly. it’s sad to say she’s not surprised because this was what their relationship is at this point. even if she told herself that she just wanted to get into school in order to get her mom off her back, her words only make it seem like she was mocking her even if she reached at least the minimum. it made mina wish her mother lowered her expectations or at least make her own higher. 

she eats her food in a hurry, hoping to get out of this dinner as soon as possible. of course, her mother has an issue with it as she glared at her from across the table. “slow down. you look like an animal eating like that.” 

mina ignores her and she manages to empty her bowl, still trying to bite and swallow the leftover food in her mouth. she quickly stands up from her chair, puts her bowl and utensils in the sink, and runs upstairs, swallowing the last bit of her food down. she closes her door behind her even if she knows her mother was going to go up to her room anyways. when she hears the door open, she rolls her eyes before she turns to her mom. 

“can you knock?” the impatient tone was one she’s used frequently enough. whether or not she was proud of it, she kept that information to herself. 

her mother’s not afraid of it, though. in fact, if anything, she’s probably a professional at dealing with it. “you’re one to talk about manners,” she scolds. “what is with you?! at least try to stay for the entire dinner and not make it seem like you don’t like my company.” 

“why would i do that?” mina scoffs. “you’d yell at me for faking it, anyway.” 

her mom sighs. “why are you so selfish? why do you keep on doing this? do you understand how uncomfortable your father feels whenever we fight? how uncomfortable i feel?!” 

“i’m sorry for being upset over you not being a good mom,” she responds, crossing her arms as if to do the bare minimum of making fun of the woman in front of her who would do the same in their past arguments. “i got into a good school and all you can say is ‘i’m surprised they didn’t reject you straight up’? no ‘congratulations’ or ‘i’m happy you got into the school you wanted to get into’? shouldn’t you at least be glad over the fact that i’m going-” 

“how am i going to explain to the family that it took a few months for my daughter to tell me she got into snu after a few months since she applied?” her mom interrupts her, angering mina even more. “it didn’t take long for jaebeom to get his letter of acceptance. it didn’t take daniel long for him to know if he got in. do you know what they’ll say when i tell them you got accepted after countless times of me saying ‘oh i don’t know yet’, ‘she hasn’t received anything yet’? they’ll think i’m raising-” 

“what? an idiot?” mina laughs. “yeah. i’m sure everyone in the family’s already aware of the fact that i’m never going to be a lawyer living in america. at least i got into a school.” 

her mother then points at mina and she has to hold the urge to not swat the hand away from her face. “look at you! you’re already making yourself sound bad by acting like it’s a miracle they accepted you in the first place!” she criticizes. “you’re supposed to go to school. you’re supposed to get a degree in order to get a good job somewhere. after all your father and i’ve done for you and your brothers, why are you the only one who treats this like it’s not a big deal?!” 

“i am treating this like it’s a big deal!” mina asserts. “do you know how many nights i spent studying for tests that i knew i was going to fail? all the times i had to stay after school in order to make sure it wouldn’t affect my chances?! i worked so hard in the last few months to be accepted and i’m the only one in this room proud of myself for it! it’s like you’re actively trying to find reasons to be disappointed in me, even when i do something good!”

“maybe you should be trying to not constantly disappoint me, then.” her mother turns her back to her daughter and makes way for the door, but mina mutters something else that makes her stop in her steps.

“the one time i do something that i thought could impress you and you’re still disappointed in me.”

her mother doesn’t respond. all she does is stand for a moment before she leaves, not even bothering to close the door behind her.