#im fine btw my sister is much older then me and a far better mother

[starry-eyed-extraterrestrial]

My mom isn't talking to me again. I think it's because I didn't wish her a happy mother's day, but she's not a good mother I don't think, or maybe she is and I'm being hash, I'm probs just being dramatic. She left me essentially, with my sister and a strange man after my father passed to be with a man who's hit me and her before.

[swimfuel]

okay humanstuck thoughts under the cut

i owe a lot of this to @/rhythmic-idealist's kankri/vantasposting bc holy shit theyve got such a big brain (ill link to their individual posts when im on desktop since im using this to keep all my thoughts straight and i agree with most of what they say wholeheartedly)

general status quo stuff:

signless works in an extremely demanding career involving helping others (i'm leaning towards an attorney who works with organizations and does pro bono work), and is also extensively involved in social justice work outside of his job... he is very rarely home

he loves and cares for his children deeply and tries to express it whenever they're face to face, but the couch in his cramped and messy office has seen far too much use over the years for him to have been able to say it enough

his habits of working himself to the point of exhaustion are handily passed down to his kids btw

the kids had to grow up quickly because signless was out of the house so often and so consistently—kankri, who was already pretty high-strung, has to learn to take care of himself and karkat

they grow up near ms firuzeh maryam, who's their pseudoaunt/grandma (she took in a nine year old kavana vantas when she was about twenty), but they just call her ms rosa

they spent a lot of time in the maryam house growing up, with miss rosa's two nieces. porrim is a year older than kankri, while kanaya and karkat are the same age

kankri grows kinda sensitive to people trying to mother him since it rubs against the notion that he's the "adult of the house" and that he can take care of himself and karkat just fine

(and it also kinda underlines the fact that kankri has no idea what he's doing at the best of times)

and ironically enough, kankri becomes overbearing and naggy towards karkat in his own right, which forestalls them becoming close in any brotherly sort of way

they grow up really just... unable to communicate with one another clearly

karkat develops his ornery exterior in response to kankri's constant stream of opinions and frantic attempts at making up for the presence of a guardian in the house

i think there would actually be some really interesting parallels with rose in this au.. maybe i'm drawing from my own experiences as well but i think he'd begin to assume that every time his brother opens his mouth, he's going to criticize karkat

but instead of reacting like rose with the "making yourself more of a puzzle"/passive aggressive stuff, he gets a more defensive/hackles raised/"argue with you before you can argue with me" approach

and the thing is that they do love each other and would take a bullet for the other etc etc etc.. but they don't know how to express it because they've fallen into these shitty patterns

and it really doesn't help that kankri has grown somewhat resentful of signless over the years... that mix of resentment and fear and love gets more extreme and more polar every time signless gets injured during a political demonstration

i think kankri and signless would also be slightly closer than karkat and signless, as signless' job really only started to ramp up when karkat was less than years old and kankri was in his early double digits

kankri autistic btw its word of god (i am god)

karkat has a pet crab. its name is also karkat. he vents his frustrations to it.

i feel like the vantases exemplify both the best and worst parts of their aspects with one another as well... the strength of their bonds keeps them together and grounded, but TOO grounded. [insert Blood rant here]

the Blood rant:

i define Blood as bonds, responsibility, and the "core". if Life is the fertile soil and everything living on a planet's surface, then Blood is the gravitational core of the planet keeping everything together

i also think Blood, Heart, & Mind work in tandem to define a person just as blood serves to connect the pieces of the human body... Heart is the soul and the self, Mind is the application of one's self through active choices (agency), while Blood defines both the self and the choices one makes in greater detail [and, as an aside, Life provides the physical spark of life needed to keep the heart pumping blood]

OKAY wow that got tangential anyways

SO BASICALLY! too much Blood makes you stagnate, so for example:

kankri is split between staying home with karkat or going to college across the country and being truly unbound for the first time in years

another crisis of Blood: signless is caught between his empathy and responsibility to the whole world and his responsibility to his own children

okay so here's more status quo stuff:

the maryam and vantas kids grow up together and its hilarious because you'll see them all together and its just like (girlboss) (girlboss) (physical manlet) (emotional manlet)

the maryam girls are actually miss rosa's nieces but she took them in when they were both pretty young

the pyropes know the vantases well enough considering pyrope senior and sign have known one another from their respective legal practices for years, but they live on the other side of town

the leijons lived in town when kankri and meulin were very young, but they moved and travelled for a long time before coming back and reestablishing their roots

the captors (psii being one of sign's oldest and closest friends) move into town with the peixes family pretty early on though

the condesce is.. a horrible spouse and guardian, to put it plainly. she's very emotionally manipulative and isn't averse to smacking people around, including her own family. she moves herself and her perfect little family into town so she can properly oversee a new business venture close by

feferi is one of the best young swimmers in the country and has a pretty good shot of getting onto the olympic team.. a lot of this drive to be perfect and to be better results from the condesce's unrelenting pressure and thinly veiled resentment throughout her whole life

so yeah psii, )(ic, feferi, and sollux all live together and it's really not great for anyone involved. (meenah ran away years ago, and crashed on aranea's couch for a pretty long while—mituna moved out with latula for college before psii and the condesce got married)

it gets bad to the point of sollux staying with the maryams for two months while the adults try to sort out that absolute clusterfuck and get the divorce proceedings going (meenah finally convinces feferi to get out and come stay with her and aranea for the duration as well)

in terms of relationships i think latula and porrim were really really close in high school, and probably had some kind of unacknowledged thing going on for a while that never actually turned into anything because latula and mituna were going steady

kankri has had a crush on latula for years but never acted on it for similar reasons

meenah still carries a lot of that give no fucks attitude (it's developed moreso as a defense mechanism here) and can't understand why feferi refuses to leave the condesce with her

okay back to VANTAS MANPAIN i also think that karkat feels the weight of a lot of expectations on his shoulders as well

he feels responsible to live up to the example his dad and his brother set, even if it's to his own detriment—and kankri's oblivious rambling about his grades and his teachers and all his clubs certainly aren't helping the matter

kankri is one of those overinvolved kids taking a million AP's while simultaneously shitting on the collegeboard at every single step

hes this super overachiever anal retentive perfectionist type dude and (just as karkat preemptively criticizes others to forestall their criticisms of him only to harshly criticize himself) kankri subconsciously holds the people around him to the same expectations he holds for himself

so karkat also develops this sense of lacking which, in combination with everything else, culminates in self loathing and thinking he has to solve everyone else's problems and getting horribly mad at himself for every little mistake

GOD i have a lot more but lemme post this before i accidentally close out of the app and lose it all

more little details:

vriska's mom and terezi's mom HATE each other like HATE HATE HATE one another it's so bad

karkat wrote a ten page review of my immortal in middle school

jade is one of nepeta's best online friends

sollux can't raise one eyebrow at a time.. karkat gives him so much grief about it

the vantases eat a lot of shitty renditions of persian dishes until karkat learns to cook because literally the only person in the world with a CHANCE of getting KANKRI VANTAS to make an EDIBLE DISH is miss rosa

kanaya is really good at persian dance too but is VERY VERY embarassed to perform in front of people.. however porrim definitely is not

karkat has insomnia while kankri just stays up stupidly late for assignments that really shouldnt be taken that seriously.. but they both have the same rumination/sleep anxiety thing where your brain goes insane with horrible and depressing scenarios as you try to sleep

and more ideas that i thought were interesting but idk how to fit in the context of this au:

signless and disciple getting married pretty late in life after having been in love for years, the vantases move in with the leijons and karkat suddenly has two sisters

nepeta and karkat are both juniors at this point, meulin is probably in her third year at a local college nearby while kankri is about to start his second year at a university pretty far away

the kids in general honestly but ill figure it out

more random hcs this time with kids:

kanaya and rose get into a flame war online that gradually settles into elaborate courtship rituals

also nepeta + jade online besties

also bec can inexplicably still teleport

the first sbahj movie comes out and the next six months of dave strider junior's high school career are absolute hell

actually hc that dave senior goes by d strider professionally. the d stands for a lot of things

aradia and dave frequent a lot of the same forums but never end up really interacting

meanwhile karkat and john frequent a lot of the same forums and DEFINITELY end up interacting. this turns into grudging (at least on karkat's part) friendship after they find themselves fighting for their lives defending an objectively shitty movie together on the same thread

[sharkb0yinthewat3r]

What was coming out like for you?

For years I was closeted and i really didn’t want to do it. I go back and forth between whether or not I thought it was unnecessary or I told myself it was unnecessary so I wouldn’t have to do it. It was probably a little bit of both.

I knew for a while that at the very least my mom knew since she was the only one dropping hints. But if she did so did everybody else. After I was like truly accepting of myself, I really did buy into the narrative that i didn’t need to do it. On one hand I felt like everyone in my family already knew so there was no need to inform them, there was no need to bring it up out of nowhere unprompted, and it’s just ridiculous that that’s something anyone has to do. I’m more than my sexuality and straight people don’t have to come out.

Anyway this ended up being a really long post feel free to read all of it, but the main takeaway is that coming out was scary. Even when I knew nothing big was going to come of it, there’s just like this anxiety I had and I think it’s normal. Im lucky to live a life where I can be myself freely without having to be concerned about repercussions. I would say me coming out to my friends/just not hiding who I was from them was a great experience. My cousins were so great. My mom and my sister, I guess I wish that those had gone better which is crazy to me because they had known the longest and had so long to prepare and just didn’t have ideal reactions (far from awful but it was kinda just like uhhh ok?) and then my dads is probably my favorite bc that’s how it should be for everyone. It was ultimately very freeing for me but it was also like very uncomfortable for me.

My coming out happened in 4 phases:

1. College freshman year: i was struggling with my sexuality after I got my first crush and wasn’t sure whether or not people would accept me and eventually I told one friend that I lived with and he never treated me differently, I think I told three other friends that were girls, but overall it was extremely difficult to communicate for me. I would say that this was a time in which I was still closeted.

2. I now work on accepting myself and don’t really talk about it with people unless it comes up for the next three years. I’m now in my fourth year of college and join an org where I’m placed on a committee that’s essentially 60% gay males 40% straight males (and girls). My goal when joining was just to be open and let people get to know me. I was still middle ish of the road and sorta wanted to be perceived as straight. I think people just kind of started to assume I was gay and it was like “oh I don’t have to think about telling anyone anything or acting a certain way. I can just be myself” and I kinda just let loose and as we started hanging out and going to parties together I was able to open up and be myself judgement free and it was just so much fun and that’s when I like TRULY accepted myself and I was like life should be like this all the time. I can’t believe I haven’t been doing this. This was more of like a me coming out to myself than anything else and showing myself how enjoyable life can be when you don’t bottle yourself up.

3. Same year (after my first semester) Even though I was very open with my friends at school, this was my first time home for a ‘long break’ and I wasn’t as open with my family. Me and my two female cousins went out for a day together in the city and then ended up at a bar where they were talking about the kind of guys they were into and my one cousin mentions that she’s into older guys and I didn’t say anything and then our other cousin went to the bathroom and I was like btw I’m gay and I only wanted to preface that bc when u said u were into older guys I was like legit same I know exactly what you mean. My other cousin came back from the bathroom and then we laughed about it, but they were the sweetest and most supportive I could’ve wanted. I don’t think I’d ever felt as close with them as I did in that moment. They asked if anyone else knew and I was like well my friends but that’s it and they said they wouldn’t tell anyone and I thanked them.

A few nights later I met my sister out at a bar for her birthday in the city. I was hanging out with her friends (who I knew just not on a real personal level) because she was dancing and making out with some guy. This is actually kinda funny. It was winter and the bar was hot so I tied my jacket around my waist (as I often do bc that’s just typically part of my look, kinda like a staple of mine tbh) and her friend is like “ryán why are you wearing that around your waist, go put it in the coat check” and I was like no thanks like I really don’t mind having it on my waist, I like the way it looks and I honestly don’t wanna pay and she’s like “you have to check it, any girl who walks in here and sees a guy with a jacket around his waist will not want to get with him” and I looked at her and laughed and was like “lol ok well that’s fine because I’m into guys anyway” and she was taken aback like “OH” and I was like lol r u surprised and she was like well your sister just never told me that and I said well idk why she would, like for one I’m not sure why that would be a topic of discussion between the two of you and for two I haven’t told her anyway. She and my sisters other gay friend practically forced me to tell her the entire night and I was like um ok. And then my sister got mad at me for telling them before her and made it all about herself and I was drunk crying running to the bathroom lol and she followed it up with SO MANY questions and was like you gotta tell mom and dad we talk about it all the time. And I was like 1. No I don’t, if they wanna know they can ask me I don’t care 2. That’s kinda fucked up that you guys talk about me and my sexuality all the time behind my back?? 3. If you just said u all know why do I have to tell you. There isn’t really more to the story there, it was her telling me to and me saying no.

4. It is the 2019th summer. Id thought many times about telling my parents I wanted to go to pride and just like ended up saying nothing. Fact of the matter was that I wasn’t proud and honestly even if I wanted to go I didn’t know who I’d go with. My parents are VERY religious and when I was younger I had heard my mom express worry about a girls mother after the girl had come out as a lesbian l o l. Years go by and my mom got me a pamphlet for the lgbt center mixed in with a bunch of other papers when I moved in my freshman dorm, said a lot of encouraging things to me like telling me “you can date anyone you want” and asking me about my love life (this kind of stuff happened between stages 1 and 2). Nothing was explicitly said but I think we both silently acknowledged it. She even asked about one of my gay friends bc I think she thought we mightve been dating (between stage 3 and 4) which we were not and never have hooked up or anything. Honestly I knew they’d be supportive and I knew they weren’t going to kick me out, I just didn’t know how they’d honestly and truly take it. And by the time that I didn’t give a fuck about how anybody “took” the “news” I was aware that they knew and subscribed to all the beliefs that I listed above. If they wanted to know so desperately they could ask me. At this point I wasn’t even trying to hide it. A guy kinda fucked me over right before school was over and I was talking to her on the phone and she was asking how I was and why I sounded meh and I just told her guys suck without trying to get into it. Anyhow picture this, straight pride has just been confirmed for August 2019. Gays are distressed everywhere. Can we not have one thing??? I share a post to my insta story stating something along the lines of “straight pride isn’t necessary and you should be happy you don’t need it. LGBT people need pride because we still don’t have equal rights and people get killed every day for being a part of this community and people get kicked out of their homes for loving someone, etc.” and I guess my mom saw it and was like that was an interesting post on your instagram and I was like lol ok thanks. (She had thought I didn’t think I was safe in my own home and that’s why I wasn’t coming out) And she’s like is there something you want to tell me? And I say is there something you want me to tell you? And she says only if you want to. And I say “what mom do you want me to tell you I’m gay? Like it’s not a secret. I know you know and everybody else knows.” We went on a walk and she said some highly questionable microaggressions but meant with overall support. At this point though like I already accepted myself so I could just roll my eyes and be like lol whatever you don’t get it.

Then my dad comes back and she calls him to the kitchen and is like I think you should tell him now. And i was like gurl what? This is so out of nowhere and so ridiculous. You’re really going to do this after we just had an hourlong discussion on why I didn’t feel the need to come out. And my dad comes in and is like what’s up and I say hey just so you know I’m gay, ok? And he says ok.

[willreadforbooze]

Hello!

Here’s our weekly wrap up from the WRFB crew =)

Sam’s Updates

I had such a good (but busy) week. It’s going to be crazy few weeks but I’m excited. If I do this right, it’ll be really good for me. I also got to see my two best friends from college this weekend and it was THE BEST.

What I read this week:

Grace and Fury by Tracy Banghart: This is a YA story about a world where women have like… zero rights. Our main character has been selected to be a “Grace” which I’m assuming is like a harem for the heir to the throne. Linz wrote a review for this when it came out. This book was ok. I predicted how it would end for the most part. I’ll keep going with the series but yeah.

Radical Candor: Be a Kickass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity by Kim Malone Scott: This is a leadership book that my boss recommended for me. I’m the type of person that always says what I mean and I never lie. You can see how being a boss with this quality can be sensitive. This book helps harness that honesty into providing the best feedback for your team and how to help them (and you) be your best selves.

What I’m currently reading:

  Wild Beauty by Anna-Marie McLemore: So this is a story of a family that always has 5 girls, 5 cousins. The men that spawn these women disappear, so it’s always the women. 5 ladies, 5 mothers, 5 Grandmas (abuelas), when suddenly a boy appears. He has no memories. So look, I’m reading this on my phone and I was worried that I wouldn’t reach for it. I WAS WRONG. I am loving this.

Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern: So this is where I would normally tell you what this book is about, but IM NOT GONNA. It’s so much better to go into Erin’s books blind and I’m not going to ruin that. What I WILL say is it’s got a giant (as in world size) library. I am loving this so much.

The Broken Kingdoms by N.K. Jemisin: This is the second book in the Inheritance series. Parker wrote a hilarious review. I didn’t love the first one as much as Broken Kingdoms but this story is about a different character and I’m enjoying that. Listening on audio.

Linz’s Updates

I’ve spent all week trying to shake Oktoberfest jet lag and also there was work gross. BUT it’s a holiday weekend for moi, so I’m gonna do nothing but read Monday. And meal prep. And laundry. And maybe finally celebrate my wedding anniversary?

What Linz read:

The Book of Lost Saints by Daniel Jose Older: An advanced copy of this contemporary adult novel fell into my lap at ALA and ummmmmmmm IT’S AMAZING. I’ve never actually read anything by Older (I can’t with urban fantasy), so this was my first time reading his work and I adored it. Will be writing a review soon, book comes out Nov. 5 (so not long to wait!).

A Curse So Dark and Lonely by Brigid Kemmerer: I mostly read this because we got a copy of book 2 from ALA…but I’m not sure if I’m gonna read it. This kind-of retelling of Beauty and the Beast is…fine? There are some aspects I really liked, and Kemmerer’s writing is pretty good, but I dunno, there were some issues I couldn’t get past. (BTW Sam’s review here.)

What Linz didn’t finish:

Five Dark Fates by Kendare Blake: The fourth and dear god hopefully last book in the Three Dark Crowns series. Technically this hit my DNF list while coming back from Munich, but I needed a way to bring this up–LET A TRILOGY BE A TRILOGY. Adding more books completely ruins the flow and now I’m completely turned off on a series that I would have been ride or die for. (I’m gonna assume it was an editorial staff decision and direct all my rage at the publisher.)  It didn’t work here, and I’ll say it, it reaaaaaally didn’t work for the Throne of Glass series. You want authors to write more books in the universe? LET THEM DO THAT. Look at Cinda Williams Chima. (Editor’s Note: GIRL, I HEAR YOU)

What Linz is currently reading:

Sisters of Shadow and Light by Sara B. Larson: Thanks to Netgalley for the advanced copy! This also comes out Nov. 5. Two sisters have been trapped inside the Citadel of the Paladins with their mom for 15 years (hold, this isn’t a horror story), until a stranger manages to get in and change everything. I’m saving all thoughts for the review.

Minda’s Updates

I’ve been in Columbus (my hometown) all weekend, with my wonderful mother hosting our family baby shower. So, you know, feeling incredibly grateful with a small heaping of guilt that I don’t see them more.

What Minda finished:

Gods of Jade and Shadow by Silvia Moreno-Garcia – This is our book club read for next month. The story is set in 1920’s Mexico following Casiopea, a Cinderella-type person. Her life changes when she finds her fate tied to that of the Mayan god of death. 3/5 shots, review to come!

What Minda is reading now:

These Divided Shores (Stream Raiders #2) by Sara Raasch – From the author of Snow Like Ashes, this new series focuses on the island nation of Grace Loray as it is attempted to be taken over by the pious mainland. The magic of the series is plant-based, which I just find fascinating. I’m about 60% of the way done. So far so good, except for the small child I complained about in my review of the first one, These Rebel Waves (link), too.

HEIST by Kezzy Sparks – A debut magic-based paranormal suspense novel, out Oct 31. To my understanding, the story focuses on witch-hunter and wizardess Mel who is on the case for a genital-stealing witch. Sounds bonkers, right? I can’t wait.

Ginny’s Updates:

Whatsup. This has been a fucking exciting week and I am emotionally exhausted so now lets talk about the emotionless topic of books (hahahaha I have so many feelings about books). I am so very tired if that wasn’t obvious.

Currently Reading:

Laughter at the Academy by Seanan McGuire: Get ready for this, this was a week of a lot of Seanan McGuire. This is a book of short stories McGuire has written of the course of her career. there are some things from early on and some more recent, but they’re all pretty darn spooky or hit you right in the feels which makes this perfect for it Halloween release (I think?). I find myself taking a few minutes at least between stories so that I can process which is not a normal thing for me.

Finished:

Tempest by Beverly Jenkins: Third book in the Old West series, and I think it’s pretty safe to say this was my favorite of the series. Regan is a ton of fun (also a more modern thinker than most of hte people in her times) but this book features an adorable daughter, a father who would do anything for said daughter, a few obviously evil characters but a really intriguing sense of place. 5/5

Ashes of Honor by Seanan McGuire: This is book six of the Toby Daye series. Toby is asked to do a favor for a friend which is never as simple as could be expected. This book is wild and there will be a review. So deal with a one line summary.

Bands of Mourning by Brandon Sanderson: It was lovingly suggested that I write a review for this so now that is the plan. This is the third book in the Wax and Wayne series in which Wax is supposed to get married except there’s an interruption and then he needs to hunt down an object of major power because given his track record clearly that will go smoothly… review to come.

Branded by Fire by Nalini Singh: As soon as these books come up from the library I’m going to read them. That’s not a question. #6 in the Psy-Changeling series, this book follows characters introduced in earlier books, Dorian (a changeling that cannot actually transform) and Ashaya (a Medical Psy who works on DNA level) are both snarky and sharp edged where need be and have amazing chemistry, need to find a way to stop the experiment the Psy had been running inadvertently putting Ashaya’s son in trouble while her psychotic twin sister hunts here down. Pretty exciting stuff. The characters in this book were more fully realized than in previous books and I’m really enjoying the way the plots build the world and already existing characters. 5/5

Until next time, we main forever drunkenly yours,

Sam, Ginny, Linz, and Minda

Weekly Wrap Up: Oct 6- 13, 2019 Hello! Here’s our weekly wrap up from the WRFB crew =) Sam's Updates I had such a good (but busy) week.