#im dealing with such massive amounts of shame right now

[notblue-bandit]

i keep getting the urge to quit my job, delete all my social media, cancel my phone bill, and completely isolate myself from the rest of the world forever

[genderqueerdykes]

Im nonbinary and i feel ashamed of being amab.

Even ignoring dysphoria, the expectations of being a guy as well as being too scared to...well do anything that might affirm me is really getting to me, especially as it feels like afab nonbinary people are far more common and im left feeling isolated (made even worse by any gender envy i get only coming from them so i feel like i never will be happy with my gender because of my agab).

how do i deal with this?

hello there! Thanks for taking the time to stop by!

i wanted to say from the bottom of my heart that i am sorry that people have made you feel this way, because it's not just you having those feelings. people have made it difficult for amab nonbinary people to have a voice and a place to speak for themselves due to a lot of bullshit. i understand feeling isolated, it's hard to network with other people like yourself when you constantly feel pushed out of every space you try to occupy

the fact that a lot of people think that being nonbinary is just a thing that afab people do or a "weird girl thing" is frustrating, it sucks because you really do encounter it. it's not true though- given the absolutely massive amount of amab nonbinary people i've met both online and in person, it's not that amab nonbinary people don't exist, it's just that no one will give you room to speak and that is bullshit

i would recommend trying to see if there are any transfem support groups in your area as that would probably be the highest concentration of people who are the likeliest to understand your situation. you can also look out for nonbinary support groups, but i totally understand your apprehension. it helps to try to start with people who are the most likely to get you. i would honestly also recommend just taking up space in whatever queer communities you find if you can. it's hard, but you do deserve a chance to take up that space and it may help someone else feel less alone in the process

you are just as nonbinary as any person of any other agab. your agab is your dearest secret and nobody has the right to exile you from any queer spaces based off of that. your agab means nothing about your intentions, personality, or anything- your agab is just some organs and reproductive health systems. whether or not you have that body from birth or because of hormones and surgery is nobody's business

you have the right to talk about the nonbinary experience and how unique it is to your agab, especially. remind yourself that anyone outside of that experience doesn't know what it's like. i don't know what it's like, because i'm not amab. those people are not the expert on what it's like to live this life. you are. let yourself be that expert. let yourself be judge

there are a million ways to be trans and no agab owns nonbinaryhood. common public conceptions of identities and concepts are often heavily biased and skewed. in time as we see folks become braver, people will begin to understand that amab people are just as likely to identify as nonbinary as anyone else. trust me, i have met so many. you are not alone by any stretch of the imagination

you are also welcome to join my discord server, if you're not already in it! it's not a solution to having irl community, but having an online support group can help a lot!

there's no reason to be ashamed, you are a beautiful individual with an identity that is just as incredible. i hope your shame can turn to pride, you have an experience that is worth blessing the world with. take care of yourself for now. do the best you can to remind yourself that you are defining the trans experience just by existing. other people can talk shit all they want, but you know who you are. keep your chin up, you're awesome. have a great week

[sea-jello]

Hello !

I saw the ask you got about drama and copyright issues and maybe me feeling dismissive about drama stems from me just having being involved in theatre for years ??? I think casting is bound to cause some drama in the short term but i dont think anything long term will stem from it

Maybe its me being hopeful and having faith that the fandom based around a musical will be understanding of and respectful towards whatever casting decisions are made seeing as thats kinda just what happens in theatre????? Sometimes you dont get the part you want (if you even get cast at all) and it kinda sucks! But there will always be another opportunity. Shows will be put on again, and you never only have just one chance. Sure not getting the part you want is never and its okay to be sad about it, but sometimes someone else just fits the role better and theres not much that can really be done there. Id like to hope that everyone auditioning goes into it w an open mindset and will take whatever part they get w grace and treat casting like they would casting in a more traditional production (<- is a person who hasnt been active in online musical spaces in a few years. Take my words w a grain of salt i might not know what im talking about here)

If it does genuinely end up being a big issue though, maybe we could do smth w a cast a and a cast b ??? So that way more people get a chance to play a major character. It would be a lot more work as far as audio editing goes, but if theres enough of a want for it a second cast isnt impossible or anything. Itd honestly just take a bit more time to get out

As far as copyright goes thats! Iffier. Its weird and its wonky and itd be a bit of a pain but there are ways to deal w it

The easiest and simplest option is to only have the final version available to those who worked on it directly. No promotion, no making it public, just a fun thing for everyone who worked on it (and maybe their friends), and thats it. Itd be unfortunate to make a project like this so limited, but its the legal option that requires the least amount of effort 😔✌️

The other option would be to obtain the rights to put on the musical. I was curious about how much it would cost and after finding the copyright holders and filling out their mock form, it would come out to about 275 USD ????? Which is a lot! Thats a lot of money to pay out of pocket for a project that likely wont be monetized at all!

But, having said that, 275 starts to feel a lot smaller when you take into consideration how many people are interested in taking part. I think you mentioned about 30 or so people filling out the form??? If those 30 people individually contributed 10 USD (which is smth ive actually seen mandatory for a lot of non profit theatre companies and school shows) we would have some money left over even

275 is really only a lot if its just one person paying for it. I do 100% realize that having a cost would probably change this project a bit just by nature of real life money being involved, but i do still want to point out that its an option if youre willing to take it. Also i want to mention that the mock form said real prices might not be reflected. They didnt have an option for digital shows for where itd be put on, so if location impacts it at all 275 probably wont be the final cost 💔💔 (id like to hope the final cost would be lower though since it does assume the show in question is a more traditional in person show :') )

Also actually now that im thinking about it theres a secret third option which would be to combine the two???? Start out w it being just for everyone who worked on it but then put out a little interest check and fundraiser to see how many people would be interested in buying it. Kinda like what some physical print zines do but just w a musical instead! It would require putting a paywall on the final show which would also be kinda super unfortunate and a massive shame, but if enough people are interested its another way to deal w the licensing fees. Also if the project gets more money than the licensing costs maybe the leftovers could be donated or smth. Idk

Copyright is to me a much bigger issue than casting drama could ever be just bc of the legal issues it could bring up, but there are still definitely definitely ways to get around and deal w them ( ^^)b

(Btw @ the anon who kinda got me thinking about this and led me to send an ask in response, this is nothing against you !! I genuinely think bringing up copyright and potential dramas is a good thing to do especially so early on into a project like this. And running into copyright issues specifically could kill this project faster than anything else could tysm for bring that up genuinely :')

Also op sorry for such a long ask orz )

yeah casting will definitely raise some issues but there are after all only 8 major roles, you said it better than i ever will sjdjgkl also this is literally my first online musical space i got into bmc in like MARCH what am i doing

i actually have been thinking about doing an act 1 cast and an act 2 cast, but thats gonna raise the issue of finding two people with similar voices for one character so its not too jarring. we could totally do it but thats just more work for the casting people i feel. i mean if theyre up for it we could, again we'll just wait and see. there probably would be understudies too, and ive been thinking about having multiple voices for small sections of people who were squipped, like rich in the squip song, or jenna and christine in pitiful children/the play, even the creepy stock guy. there will be one "main" actor but maybe understudies will do underlying voices. will be a little more work for the editors so again we'll see

COPYRIGHT here we go. i really dont want to limit this project so the only option would be to pay. i did a tiny bit of googling and "Section 107 of the Copyright Act provides the statutory framework for determining whether something is a fair use and identifies certain types of uses—such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and research��as examples of activities that may qualify as fair use." now if we were doing like one song then that would be fine, but we're attempting to remake the WHOLE THING, so i really think we might have to buy the rights which hm. wow.

i dont know if people are willing to pay 275 dollars for something that might not even succeed, so i think if we go through with this then we work on it first and see our progress. if it looks like we might succeed in actually doing the whole thing then we'll set up a thing for people to donate. to my understanding as long as we buy the rights we can release it to the public?? so as long as we get the 275 dollars we can release it, so it wont be only limited to the people who paid. but if we dont get enough then idk what to do with the money. maybe donate it or just wait until we hit 275. or we set a price and give it to the people who paid, sorta like a vip subscription or something

i actually have SIXTY RESPONSES as of now and its been at 60 for a while so if everyone gives 5 usd then we would have more than enough. ofc not everyone would be willing to pay tho so its really a gamble. i checked out the mock form too and are we even able to buy them if we're producing it digitally?? all that about ticket fees and average attendance if we cant even get the rights then theres no way we can release it to the public

im ngl i dont think i can do the actual licensing so we might need someone to handle finances specifically. also im not even a legal adult i really dont know if i should 💀💀 we gotta find someone responsible

YES everybody say thank you to anon for bringing problems up it would be bad if everyone got hyped only to realize we cant even do it

[srlkiller]

today was a lot. i had a 1on1 therapy thing that was supposed to be like an INTRO TO UR RECOVERY WOO!!! LETS GET UR MENTAL HEALTH IN CONTROL!!! But instead it turned into me having 4 panic attacks constantly crying while venting to a social worker in a room w no air con for 2 hours about ‘how my month has been’ and ‘why i haven’t been attending any of my group therapy?’ well sue sweetie.. u asked me…n boy did i give u the answer ur career as a social worker has been WAITING 4!! then i got my 1st covid shot & briefly spoke to my doctor who was rude asf so i was like ok today fucked. Centrelink also called me and told me wrong info which fucked me over. then i see my dad calling and im like OFC HE IS!!massive fight as per n he hangs up but then continues via text bc hes petty asf.

BUT not as petty as my mom bc that is literally how the fight started. bc of her. like this bitch omg. she purposely runs off to my dad and tells him every little thing i do ‘wrong’ bc she knows his temper and how afraid i am of him due to past events so she uses him to basically do her dirty work for her n ‘scare me’. like that’s how manipulative and fucked up she is in the head. she made up a whole ass lie and told my dad that i said to my mom the only reason i was trying to stay in contact with my dad was so that i remain in his will as like the sole beneficiary or whatever….. how sick and twisted must you be to lie to someone directly in their face about something so serious INVOLVING UR OWN CHILD that you share with that person????? i would NEVER! say that about my dad. EVER. this happened months ago btw. as soon as i spoke about it w my dad and i was like “what.. dad i would never say that you know i don’t give a fuck about money like that i don’t care about your will why would i even be thinking about your will?” he was like wait actually that’s fucked up ur right. It was actually HER who made that comment. she got my dad to go and fix fencing at my nans house for free (using him) n my dad mentioned he had a girlfriend. my mum came home & SAID TO ME “u better hurry up and get in ur dads good books now that he has a gf.. before she gets a hold of his will and u end up w nothing” and i simply told her that my dad would never take me off his will regardless so why say that to me. once she got exposed she backtracked and was like “oh it was just a joke” & both my dad and I were both saying that even as a joke how is that funny? how does your mind even start to think in that way? how is this funny to you? then she flips it. her scripts are so repetitive now that ive caught on that i can actually predict what she’s gonna say before she opens her mouth. she manipulates u into thinking ur reality isn’t correct.. saying things like “ omg ur over reacting lol ur so dramatic no wonder no one takes u seriously in life, grow up, i have no idea what ur going on about, have u taken ur medication for the day, have u lost it, are u high on something?” like what in the fuck?

i never once mentioned anything about anyones will.. when i was younger i made the mistake obviously of telling her that my dad was leaving me his house. when my nans will was getting exposed she became overly obsessed w wills in general and changed hers. im guessing behind my back she has actually taken me off now but i don’t want her dirty ass money which is stolen from my accounts anyway. my nan left all her grandchildren a large sum of money that was supposed to be equally split among us, its now been over a year since my nan passed & i noticed a group text come up on my moms phone from her sisters talking about what they did for their children with that money. one of them paid off their entire hex debt so it must be a substantial amount. i have not seen a cent which means she has taken it for herself, put it in her name and placed it into a secret account without my knowledge. if it’s as much $ as i believe it is, this could seriously help me move out and better my situation which she constantly tells me she wants me to get the fuck out ect. yet you are holding the key to the door in ur hand? that’s twisted and very sick. they fought for a year over my nans money and all i asked for was an old XXXX gold stubby holder that was my grandads bc it was very sentimental to me. instead, they chose to have a garage sale and sold all of my nans things and sold that stubby holder to a random person for 20 cents………. i was in shock when i found out.. and they laughed and were like get over it omg it’s just a stubby holder you can just buy another one. these people are so fucked up but they all made me feel like i was losing my mind my whole life. money isn’t shit without sentiment. i could have given you 20 cents if you need that shit so bad. im only attached partially to these evil ass roaches by some genetics but to me none of them are my family. not once have i ever felt cared for, loved, accepted, safe or happy in their presence. i am only ever wanted when they can gain something from me. that is not family. my grandad was big on family n my nan and my grandad are the only two people i claim as family from my moms side. my nans two blind siblings who i admired & adored + a few of my grandads siblings were the only ones who actually showed interest in getting to know me & didn’t look down on me in any way. i was never considered ‘less than’ or not good enough yet i was the family disappointment to my mom and her sisters. but they have never seen her like i see her. the way she acts in front of family is not the person i know. she’s very good at acting. the way she pretends to be a ‘mother’ in front of her own family is actually scary. she’s like the ultimate con artist except she’s too fucking dumb to actually scam people and get rich off of her ability to manipulate whoever she wants. what a shame ur not intelligent.. that sure must suck huh. my nan gave me that maternal love i never had from my mother and my grandad was always that man who held us all together as a unit. when he got sick everything changed and started to go down hill. they had to give up their entire property, his big beautiful garden and vegetables he was really passionate about, the horses and land ect. my nan planted a rose bush and it grew big and blossomed big red roses and she said this is for you, my little rachel rose 🌹 🥺 she said she wanted to take the whole ass bush w her and replant it 😂 but my grandad was like we are not taking a fucking huge ass rose bush w thorns in the car w us Gloria.. i only remembered this today during that therapy session and i hyperventilated so bad n just started crying.. bc i couldn’t believe my brain had blocked that memory for so long just to recover it now that she’s no longer here to share it with.

i can feel the love my dad has for me even when he’s temperamental.. you can see it in his face and his eyes. when i look at my mom i try desperately to find some sort of just fucking anything and… i see nothing. i can tell that she doesn’t feel anything. but she does for other children. just not me. so i know she isn’t a heartless bitch and is capable of emotions of all sorts.. but anything to do with me it’s almost like im invisible or she cannot see fault in her self. she cannot in any way accept anything she has ever done, she has never said the words ‘I’m sorry’ for anything ever in life involving me, she has stood by (literally stood and watched) while her own sisters verbally abused me as a minor calling me out my name AND one even texted my best friend at the time who was about 14 saying that i was a bitch. meaning my mom gave my aunt my friends number to text that message.. my friends mom was livid about this bc what grown ass woman texts a random 14 year old girl paragraphs of shit like that swearing at them and saying that their friend is a rude ungrateful bitch. her mom reacted as a mother should. as i would love my mother to stick up for me just once in life.. u kno.. ever? i still remember my first SUI attempt at like 16 after being abused and this person told me they were leaving and coming back so i had about a 10 min window of time and i panicked as any 16 young girl home alone would.. i called my mom for help bc ur parents are supposed to protect you. her wording was “well what did u do to make him hit you?” “you know that you deserved that”. i was in disbelief that she would react like that.. she was talking so calmly while i was crying hysterically having a panic attack telling her this man was coming back in 10 mins asking her to please help me.. and all she could say was.. “you probably deserved it”. ive never been the same since then tbh. im not blessed enough to be a parent yet, i may never be.. but i know for a fucking FACT that i would NEVER say any of the shit that she says to me to ANY child let alone MY OWN?!?

you had me at 36 years old. you had time to think about this and evaluate whether you thought you would be able to care for a child and make a good parent. If you “didn’t want to deal with me” then you had other options.. you could have sent me to foster care, you could have adopted me out, you could aborted me, shidddd you could have mf swallowed me bitch let’s be real. no, you chose to have a child. there’s no 18 year contract.. she loves to play that card. “UR AN ADULT NOW”, what about me makes me an adult, my age makes me an adult to you? yet you’ve kept me so childlike, so codependent & haven’t taught me basic life skills despite me asking to learn. like im deadass watching YouTube videos to teach myself basic ass life skills… that is sad as fuck. when im 48… guess what??? i am still your child and unfortunately for me!! you are STILL my parent. there’s no changing that bc you made that choice. you can’t just b like yeah i change my mind nvm i want to return it…… like that is really her attitude. i was born with a lot of health issues that have escalated a lot and only continue to get worse with age both mental and physical. guess what tho… if ur child is born with defects u don’t get to just b like omg ew i don’t want it now this one’s too difficult. like trust me.. if i was one of those lil sperm rn i am not about to fertilise u for NOTHING if this is the consequence I’d rather jus keep on swimming lmao.

[samanthasroberts]

The Importance Of Being Orgy

After a trip to visit my brother (named Mardi Gras) in New Orleans I found it best to go visit the free STD testing center run by the AHF here in Los Angeles. Every time I go there I run the full gamut of tests, partially because it just feels good to get a digital report card where everything negative is actually a good thing – chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, HIV, oral, anal, everything – and its completely free, no co-pays, no-nothing.

When one is recently covered in a rainbow of beads, shirtless, with countless tongues and spicy shrimp in ones mouth and youre shoving your dick in more hiding places than even crawfish know, sometimes its best to take a moment and pause. It also didnt help my state of mind that I had a pimple on my dick shaft immediately following that blurry weekend in NOLA, which was almost healed, but still. I cant say I often get dick acne, Dacne? Dickne? Dimples?

I should also mention that lately I havent quite found my way forward – or perhaps some other direction, not yet discovered, on some other plane of existence. Sometimes I like to think of myself as a river or an ocean or some kind of body of slutty water, and I just need sunshine to turn into some kind of ethereal vapor again, to roam and grow again. Its just been one massive damn dam after another in seemingly every direction, and to every one of those dams, I say thank you. God bless you. Because youre just a sneeze.

Freelance life aint all its cracked up to be. In other words, freelancing aint free. I just got a notification for negative three hundred dollars in my bank account, which is sandwiched between two emails from the human resources representatives for jobs I didnt get – honestly, out of hundreds, over many months and many a moon, which makes one feel a bit like a loon and possibly soon like a raccoon, rummaging through trash bins, hissing…

Back to the day of the STD testing. My meditation that day on the beach, ravenously drenched in sunlight and coconut oil, was let go and let flow, which is sort-of a mix between Taoist/Buddhist/Jesus-ish philosophy, which is tough for me, because to let go always sounds like to give up, which I was taught to never do. But I thought, okay, fuck it, lets try this. Lets try trying.

STD clinics are always so somber, as if one is waiting to go get burned alive for past sins, or for simply existing. Perhaps this is the new church – discovering your STD status – and we were all waiting for confessional. Everyone is looking at their phone or sitting with their eyes closed, nervous, contemplative, ready to sing a hymn of praise or despair. Many fidget there with an aura of tamed shame. There was even one girl who just couldnt stand being inside the waiting area with all the other sinners. It was too much for her.

She kept popping her head in the door, Did they call my number? No? Okay Uhgghhgh BYE Shed slam the door again and again, disgusted, as if by the sight of everyone else reminded her that there were witnesses to her recent sluttiness. Oh yes, my dear, we know. Were all the same. Youre one of us, we the slut-saints.

I walked in and recognized a cute blue-eyed fella with the same green shorts of a cute blue-eyed fella I just saw at the gym earlier in the day, post-beach-meditation. I had previously tried to get his attention at the gym, sweatily sex-eyeing him there on the leg press, but it was clear he was making love to Candy Crush instead – the great sin of our time, sacrificing the present moment on the cross of being cross-eyed, in front of a rainbow screen of addiction.

He knew it, too, because when I walked into the waiting area of we lady-whores and we man-whores and we trans-whores we nodded and started laughing, as if to say, YUUUUP, which began what would become a three-hour long obnoxious and giggly conversation between the two of us and two other homos that we roped in too. Who said you cant giggle in church? Everyone knows those are the best kind of giggles anyway, the ones that make you feel a little guilty.

He was a Special Ed teacher, and very sensitive to the word retard. Another was a Filipino chef with a special kinship to soul food, which I could relate to, since deep down Im a morbidly obese giggly southern black lady in white face, with ample amounts of chest hair. And the other was a Latino restaurant manager who had just broken up with his long time boyfriend that week. His ex stole his TVs, but left the dog, and left him with having to pay all the rent.

What ensued was the kind of man-to-man camaraderie that most people crave on a daily basis. Brutally honest connection. Schoolboy giggles-in-church laughter. Shooting the shit and fucking with each other the way brothers and lovers do. Im normally the kind of person who hates layers of formality and secrecy; everyone walks around acting all serious all the damn time, thinking being serious will somehow keep death – or sexually transmitted infections – away. This place just amplified that feeling for me, for all of us.

We couldnt help but see the situation for what it was: were all basically here because we love to fuck and now were dealing with the consequences.

You can be all somber and earnest and ashamed about it all, or you can just let the fuck go and laugh at it all. Youre a slut and Im a slut, lets break the bread of conversation together and then get pricked with needles that suck our blood, shall we?

Thankfully all of us were negative after the HIV rapid test; it helps that all of us are on PrEP too, that once-a-day revolutionary pill that has helped a great many homosexual not get impregnated with an HIV-baby. We would find out the results of Chlamydia (Anal), Chlamydia (Oral), Chlamydia (Urine), Gonorrhea (Anal), Gonorrhea (Oral), Gonorrhea (Urine), and Syphilis in a day or so.

The next day we decided to all meet up at one the guys places, on his rooftop (named hot tub). We drank shitty champagne and awesome micro-brewed beer in the LA sunset light, shirtless and drenched in coconut oil and chlorine, as bubbles massaged our balls. Bees swarmed around us for some reason, perhaps the countrys last remaining bees, and maybe its because they noticed we were all sweet with the sweaty nectar of giggling with strangers connecting over bad music blasting from a boombox.

Later that night, we had dinner at blue-eyed-green-shorts place; he and his husband have a cute candlelit suburban bungalow with multiple cats. The Filipino cooked us a lovely meal. I brought the cheapest wine I could find. Some of their other friends joined – a perky-chested trainer and a muscled hairy Japanese fella (yes, hairy Asians exist, and theyre lovely), and we sat at a long found-wood rustic table and discussed the importance of taking care of blind people as they get old and close to dying.

The Filipino was also a nurse. One of his blind patients paints these grand floral paintings and we all oogled-and-ahhed over how amazing they were, passing around the colorful screen of a phone, how he obviously remembered the details of flowers from his brighter days, even the right colors, the nuance of sunlight hitting the leaves and petals, shimmering petals for the dying bees that care more about hot tubs full of buttfuckers these days than pollen.

And as all good dinner parties go, eventually we played strip Cards Against Humanity. Perhaps it was cards like Bukkake or Making love to a dolphin blow hole or Cutting off your best friends balls with garden shears – or maybe it was the importance of how many White Russians we lost count of slurping and burping, but all that simmered into one of us declaring, My dick is cold; you should probably warm it up.

Which vaporized into a six man all-out sex-orgy on the couch, cards left behind, glasses completely empty. They became glassy Russian spies to how our giggles and sexually-frustrated wiggles replaced the air with groans and moans and the metronome of a dance. With my new friends dick in my mouth, and my new friends mouth on my dick, I couldnt help but wonder in that moment, in a trance of engorged and merging blood and flesh and light and words:

Eventually I let go of trying to figure it out, flowing or not flowing, who the fuck knows, and simply enjoyed what we were all there to enjoy, what were always here to enjoy, the ecstasy of connection with whats right in front of us. And there we were, new waves of men crashing upon one another, a tide of something, a ride on something, and none of us thought about money or honey or whats not supposed to be funny. We werent even thinking at all.

The next day we all got texts at the same time from the AHF. One by one, all clear. One by one, a fury of negatives that actually felt positive. And it stung me, sometimes pimples are just pimples and have nothing to do with the fact that youre trying really hard to fuck your way to the top of all your problems in the dark, meditating on the secret spaces between your soul that you have yet to discover, with the claws of one more breath, one by one, transcendent, light, clean, floating somewhere between care-free and probably a little bit careless.

For more of Micah’s writing pick up his book, , available here.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/the-importance-of-being-orgy/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2018/09/29/the-importance-of-being-orgy/

[adambstingus]

The Importance Of Being Orgy

After a trip to visit my brother (named Mardi Gras) in New Orleans I found it best to go visit the free STD testing center run by the AHF here in Los Angeles. Every time I go there I run the full gamut of tests, partially because it just feels good to get a digital report card where everything negative is actually a good thing – chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, HIV, oral, anal, everything – and its completely free, no co-pays, no-nothing.

When one is recently covered in a rainbow of beads, shirtless, with countless tongues and spicy shrimp in ones mouth and youre shoving your dick in more hiding places than even crawfish know, sometimes its best to take a moment and pause. It also didnt help my state of mind that I had a pimple on my dick shaft immediately following that blurry weekend in NOLA, which was almost healed, but still. I cant say I often get dick acne, Dacne? Dickne? Dimples?

I should also mention that lately I havent quite found my way forward – or perhaps some other direction, not yet discovered, on some other plane of existence. Sometimes I like to think of myself as a river or an ocean or some kind of body of slutty water, and I just need sunshine to turn into some kind of ethereal vapor again, to roam and grow again. Its just been one massive damn dam after another in seemingly every direction, and to every one of those dams, I say thank you. God bless you. Because youre just a sneeze.

Freelance life aint all its cracked up to be. In other words, freelancing aint free. I just got a notification for negative three hundred dollars in my bank account, which is sandwiched between two emails from the human resources representatives for jobs I didnt get – honestly, out of hundreds, over many months and many a moon, which makes one feel a bit like a loon and possibly soon like a raccoon, rummaging through trash bins, hissing…

Back to the day of the STD testing. My meditation that day on the beach, ravenously drenched in sunlight and coconut oil, was let go and let flow, which is sort-of a mix between Taoist/Buddhist/Jesus-ish philosophy, which is tough for me, because to let go always sounds like to give up, which I was taught to never do. But I thought, okay, fuck it, lets try this. Lets try trying.

STD clinics are always so somber, as if one is waiting to go get burned alive for past sins, or for simply existing. Perhaps this is the new church – discovering your STD status – and we were all waiting for confessional. Everyone is looking at their phone or sitting with their eyes closed, nervous, contemplative, ready to sing a hymn of praise or despair. Many fidget there with an aura of tamed shame. There was even one girl who just couldnt stand being inside the waiting area with all the other sinners. It was too much for her.

She kept popping her head in the door, Did they call my number? No? Okay Uhgghhgh BYE Shed slam the door again and again, disgusted, as if by the sight of everyone else reminded her that there were witnesses to her recent sluttiness. Oh yes, my dear, we know. Were all the same. Youre one of us, we the slut-saints.

I walked in and recognized a cute blue-eyed fella with the same green shorts of a cute blue-eyed fella I just saw at the gym earlier in the day, post-beach-meditation. I had previously tried to get his attention at the gym, sweatily sex-eyeing him there on the leg press, but it was clear he was making love to Candy Crush instead – the great sin of our time, sacrificing the present moment on the cross of being cross-eyed, in front of a rainbow screen of addiction.

He knew it, too, because when I walked into the waiting area of we lady-whores and we man-whores and we trans-whores we nodded and started laughing, as if to say, YUUUUP, which began what would become a three-hour long obnoxious and giggly conversation between the two of us and two other homos that we roped in too. Who said you cant giggle in church? Everyone knows those are the best kind of giggles anyway, the ones that make you feel a little guilty.

He was a Special Ed teacher, and very sensitive to the word retard. Another was a Filipino chef with a special kinship to soul food, which I could relate to, since deep down Im a morbidly obese giggly southern black lady in white face, with ample amounts of chest hair. And the other was a Latino restaurant manager who had just broken up with his long time boyfriend that week. His ex stole his TVs, but left the dog, and left him with having to pay all the rent.

What ensued was the kind of man-to-man camaraderie that most people crave on a daily basis. Brutally honest connection. Schoolboy giggles-in-church laughter. Shooting the shit and fucking with each other the way brothers and lovers do. Im normally the kind of person who hates layers of formality and secrecy; everyone walks around acting all serious all the damn time, thinking being serious will somehow keep death – or sexually transmitted infections – away. This place just amplified that feeling for me, for all of us.

We couldnt help but see the situation for what it was: were all basically here because we love to fuck and now were dealing with the consequences.

You can be all somber and earnest and ashamed about it all, or you can just let the fuck go and laugh at it all. Youre a slut and Im a slut, lets break the bread of conversation together and then get pricked with needles that suck our blood, shall we?

Thankfully all of us were negative after the HIV rapid test; it helps that all of us are on PrEP too, that once-a-day revolutionary pill that has helped a great many homosexual not get impregnated with an HIV-baby. We would find out the results of Chlamydia (Anal), Chlamydia (Oral), Chlamydia (Urine), Gonorrhea (Anal), Gonorrhea (Oral), Gonorrhea (Urine), and Syphilis in a day or so.

The next day we decided to all meet up at one the guys places, on his rooftop (named hot tub). We drank shitty champagne and awesome micro-brewed beer in the LA sunset light, shirtless and drenched in coconut oil and chlorine, as bubbles massaged our balls. Bees swarmed around us for some reason, perhaps the countrys last remaining bees, and maybe its because they noticed we were all sweet with the sweaty nectar of giggling with strangers connecting over bad music blasting from a boombox.

Later that night, we had dinner at blue-eyed-green-shorts place; he and his husband have a cute candlelit suburban bungalow with multiple cats. The Filipino cooked us a lovely meal. I brought the cheapest wine I could find. Some of their other friends joined – a perky-chested trainer and a muscled hairy Japanese fella (yes, hairy Asians exist, and theyre lovely), and we sat at a long found-wood rustic table and discussed the importance of taking care of blind people as they get old and close to dying.

The Filipino was also a nurse. One of his blind patients paints these grand floral paintings and we all oogled-and-ahhed over how amazing they were, passing around the colorful screen of a phone, how he obviously remembered the details of flowers from his brighter days, even the right colors, the nuance of sunlight hitting the leaves and petals, shimmering petals for the dying bees that care more about hot tubs full of buttfuckers these days than pollen.

And as all good dinner parties go, eventually we played strip Cards Against Humanity. Perhaps it was cards like Bukkake or Making love to a dolphin blow hole or Cutting off your best friends balls with garden shears – or maybe it was the importance of how many White Russians we lost count of slurping and burping, but all that simmered into one of us declaring, My dick is cold; you should probably warm it up.

Which vaporized into a six man all-out sex-orgy on the couch, cards left behind, glasses completely empty. They became glassy Russian spies to how our giggles and sexually-frustrated wiggles replaced the air with groans and moans and the metronome of a dance. With my new friends dick in my mouth, and my new friends mouth on my dick, I couldnt help but wonder in that moment, in a trance of engorged and merging blood and flesh and light and words:

Eventually I let go of trying to figure it out, flowing or not flowing, who the fuck knows, and simply enjoyed what we were all there to enjoy, what were always here to enjoy, the ecstasy of connection with whats right in front of us. And there we were, new waves of men crashing upon one another, a tide of something, a ride on something, and none of us thought about money or honey or whats not supposed to be funny. We werent even thinking at all.

The next day we all got texts at the same time from the AHF. One by one, all clear. One by one, a fury of negatives that actually felt positive. And it stung me, sometimes pimples are just pimples and have nothing to do with the fact that youre trying really hard to fuck your way to the top of all your problems in the dark, meditating on the secret spaces between your soul that you have yet to discover, with the claws of one more breath, one by one, transcendent, light, clean, floating somewhere between care-free and probably a little bit careless.

For more of Micah’s writing pick up his book, , available here.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/the-importance-of-being-orgy/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/178563445162

[auxgod]

San Diego Artists To Watch 2018

The San Diego music scene is on fire right now with talent all over but for 2018, San Diego looks to have an exceptionally momentous year for its music. So if you didn’t have an idea of who to look out for, we have a collection of standout talent that you should commit to memory for 2018.

TC DOE!

TC DOE music is simply addictive. The Kosher Life artist has risen to fame after his hit single “The Man” made huge waves on SoundCloud, and then even more so on YouTube when the video released. 

He killed it last year with both production and rapping. TC is one of the few artists who can really take over the game in either field. He proved his talent this year and I think has a lot more to show us in 2018.

POODEEZY

The Trap Native himself Poodeezy is a special voice and an important voice in the game, His sound can’t be mimicked. 

With his recently released Trap Native EP making impressions on the hip-hop community armored with undeniable lyrics, Quotable’s, DOPE production, and an exceptional live show, all the elements required to succeed on a massive scale are present and most certainly accounted for. The sky is the limit for Poodeezy and he’s well on his way there right now. 

It'd be a shame if you weren't paying attention in 2018.

LVRD DAPHNE

Im positive LVRD DAPHNE is going to blow up 2018 is because the overwhelming amount of support she received from numerous artist and her live performances are legit!. 

LVRD DAPHNE’s has a super dope individual sound that has never been heard of until her. She immediately caught my attention with her live performance and unique style. She is admired by all the up and coming rappers in the region & boasts a great deal of potential and stays as a topic of conversation in the music scene across the country 

I’m excited to see what else Daphne has in-store as she continues to impress us 

DOLLABILLGATES

Approaching a year since the release of his album "The Documented Baller”, DOLLABILLGATES is definitely looking to forward his career in 2018. His flawless rhymes have always stuck out nicely being the inventor of new words. 

His approach to each record is something you would compare to the likes of 2 Chainz or Rocko, his repetitive cadences and lyrical aggression will help push him to the forefront of the industry. We know he’s sitting on some releases that are destined to hit hard in 2018. 

mag00n

When you think of San Diego, you think diverse. When you think of who’s up next out of Daygo thats diverse, you think mag00n.

He has proven time-after-time that he can be a hitmaker in the upcoming years, releasing tracks like “Dats Rad, & Mojo” and with his new project titled “BARF” still set to release sometime this year, Look for him to have a standout year in 2018.

 CALI KEV

CALI KEV is a emerging talent that has a sound entirely of his own, and has been putting in work all over San Diego although the rest of the world is fucking sleeping. The San Diego buzzmaker is making some serious fucking waves right now, and it looks like 2018 is only going to get better.  

His unconventional sound has already earned him good following and it doesn’t look like it’s going to end anytime soon. With only a few tracks out, CALI KEV is certainly one of the next big things in the music game.

SLIIIM BUDDHA

Sliiim Buddha has entered 2018 equipped with the talent and skill set capable of having a very big year. 

I hope his recent singles "Over 9000" & “Wolf Fang Fist” are any indicator of what's to come. He started the year off on a good note releasing his first visual off his buzzing mixtape "Inner G” titled “Stay Woke”  

I’ve been a long supporters of his, and I’m excited to see where he goes from here, as he definitely deserves all the love he’s been getting. Tribe Life plans to take over 2018

JOEY WILD

Joey Wild went absolutely crazy in 2017 and set himself up perfect for 2018. 

With the release of “Wild Cat Formation” Joey is already starting off the year by dropping visuals and announcing the completion of his next project “Wild Child” 

Get ready to watch Joey Wild fuck 2018 all the way up!

EDDIE ZUKO

What more can you say about Eddie Zuko, He’s next level. He’s rightfully earned his way onto this list, and we can only expect greater things in the new year. 

With hit singles “MADE” and “Wanna” still climbing up taking over the streaming world in a rapid way, look for Eddie Zuko to gain even more traction with 2018 right where he wants it

AMON

Amon was one of the hardest working people in 2017, dropping multiple songs and playing a ton of shows. 

He went from the fringe to being a staple of the San Diego scene, putting him in position to have his talent recognized on a large scale which later resulted in him getting invited by YesJulz to perform at Complex Con 

Proven on recent tracks like ‘Left’ and ‘Process,’ the San Diego native has a knack for making relatable music and looks to spread his sound even further in the coming months. 

Make sure you catch him at SXSW this year

BRY BLUE$

She released her Pure Ecstasy EP in 2017 with notable cuts like “On Me” and “Confident”. 2018 will undoubtedly be an adventure for Bry Blue$ as she looks to test the boundaries of hip hop, helping bring the focus back to lyrics and female artistry

ROSSI

ROSSIROCK has been grinding for years in San Diego and building momentum for himself- work that has unquestionably paid off. Through his collaborations with artists like Bodega Bamz, TC DOE, and others as well as his exemplary solo work, Rossi has cultivated a recognizable sound that is both capable of turning out the function and is simultaneously an intimate, laid back take on hip hop production. 

Moving into 2018, with WOLFE BOY on the way, ROSSI is one to watch.

LARON

When it comes to CIDE Sounds own Laron, It’s not easy to categorize him, especially as he is beginning to separate himself from the core underground scene to mold his own wave with “Hurt Boyz International”.

Laron taps into the traditional sound of trap but puts more effort into his grim but satisfying storytelling that has him poised to really breakout in 2018 and be the driving force behind California’s underground scene.

HARDINI

San Diego rapper Hardini has been the killing the underground for a few years now, but it looks like he finally has the strong support system to take that next step. 

He is making a real strong case for best upcoming rapper in the game. He’s been doing consistently big streams across all platforms and his fanbase grows in size and loyalty by the day—and he’s completely independent. With arguably his strongest project to date in"The Soil”, it’s hard to argue that Dini isn’t going to go even crazier in 2018

LADOTEE

Ladotee came into the game as a artist with his own sound from the beginning. The San Diego native has made a lot of noise with his music working with a various artist coming up but After picking up steam in 2017 with his project “This Is Actually Happening”. Ladotee without a doubt is an artist to watch out for in the year of 2018.

OSO OCEAN

Ocean easily has some of the best bars, flow, and punchlines right now and it’s only a matter of time before people stop sleeping. His music will wow any first time listener and have them coming back for more. As we move through the year We can only assume 2018 will be the year we finally get “Americas Finest Bity” 

That being said, I've got a good feeling we'll be seeing a release from him soon.

OCCIPITAL FLOWZ

Occipital Flowz dropped several records 2017, but after speaking to him at a show i can tell you his next collection of music will be a step in a different direction

When you’re dealing with someone who pays attention to every detail of the music like Occipital Flowz, you can bet he’ll make 2018 a year to remember.

YL THE HIPPIE

City Folks own YL The Hippie brings tons of energy to every single song and caught our attention early. With only of handful of singles released I’m excited to see YL go crazy now that he has found his true sound. 

He is ready to show just how far he’s come as a musician so Look for the YL The Hippie to carry that vibe into 2018 with more catchy California game and Izm to deliver to the world

JOEY TRAP

Joey Trap has been bubbling for a minute and Overall, he is the total package for potential rap superstar. 

He has the delivery, wordplay and ear for beats makes any song he jumps on a potential hit, there is nothing out of the realm of possibilities for Joey Trap in 2018. 

SAUVI

This dude is just that talented. With his recently released GRINDIN visual still making waves around the universe and currently working on his debut project, He has tons of work to give his fans. 

Sauvi will catch any listeners’ attention immediately with a unique sound and super cold flow for him to become a household name in 2018