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thatdeadaquarius · 1 year ago

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Hallo! You know who is someone I don’t see many people appreciating? Ganyu! Imagine a neurodivergent creator reader who is the one that finds her when she’s going through one of her crises when she doesn’t know if she belongs with the humans or Adepti and reader can understand her because that’s how they feel as well about life?? And about their old world and sometimes this one??

I feel that they could potentially bond over that and maybe even realize Ganyu is also somewhat neurodivergent in some way?? Or she’s very socially inept in some ways and reader can relate and share in those worries so the two just sometimes sit together shoulder to shoulder and just not say anything and just relax and everyone is confused??? Anyways that’s all for me, keep up the great work! :D

-Bonk anon

GOD, NEURODIVERGENT ASKS, JUST HAVE MY WHOLE HEART IN YOUR HANDS 😭😭🤲🤲💙💙

JUST TAKE IT I DONT NEED IT-

ALSO LESSER ASKED FOR/LESS POPULAR CHARACTERS??

SIGN ME TF UP-

Ahhh, look at her... I would die for her, kill for her... either way, what bliss ✨️

also fuCK mihoyo, she’s fat and beautiful and so thats how she gonna be written. 😤

saw this in my mailbox forever ago and as i was workng thru them, was just like, “damn that Ganyu ask is so close im so excited to write abt her <33”

☆

Sun: Neurodivergent!Reader, Gender Neutral (they/them)

Orbit: tiny scenario +headcanons

Stars: Ganyu, my dearest.

Comets & Meteors: Content Warnings: talk of low self-esteem & Trigger Warnings: talk of low self-esteem, neurodivergent struggles, talk of missing meals (ganyu wants to schedule out her lunch-breaks).

when you’d initially explained to the (actually scarily strong irl) genshin characters who’d been claiming all kinds of wild stuff about you (”The Last Descender! The World Player!”)

you’d been in Liyue at the time, and out of everyone, the first you could see believed you were a mortal on Earth before (and not ruling it 💀) was Ganyu.

She’d looked shocked, like the others, but you could quickly see her get more and mire visibly twitchy and excited as you explained further

(rlly unlike the just,, utter confusion on Xiao’s, Zhongli’s, Shenhe’s, and Cloud Retainer’s faces, so convinced of your divinity there’s no way you could be human- even just acting like one-)

but you did, and Ganyu loved it.

you actually didn’t interact much for the first month you were stuck in a gacha video game (the other alloegenes, gods, adepti, and citizens, including international, pulling you around for opinions on this and that)

But one night you couldn’t sleep (the Qixing provided amble spacious housing in a temple already apparently dedicated to you, one you’d never seen in game)

It’d been… a rough day.

Everywhere you went, miscommunications followed, and you still didn’t really know how to mask properly around these just- well, since they were real, aliens

sure, they mimicked stuff about humans, but not the people/culture you’d mostly been around, (and the adepti had their own code of behavior, which was so complex you’re sure they should’ve made an actual social behavior manual by now)

but you just couldn’t escape the endless cycle, not only that, but your executive function had apparently forgotten to keep up with some important appointments or otherwise things you had needed to get done earlier, so you were scrambling to send a late letter to Fontaine inventors who needed to get the project started in 3 days, which is how long the letter takes to get there, oh gods, and you needed to check on Inazuma, apparently Seirai island is getting lightningy again and the Raiden Shogun wants you in person as soon as possible to aid her with it, but you need to attend a Knights of Favonius meeting in 2 days-

Yeah. You were stressed, and honestly? crumbling under the pressure.

So you’d snuck out of your rooms (dodging the patrolling guards) and went to the office of the one person who knew who’d understand

Ganyu. Scribbling and mumbling in her office to herself, late into the night

She’d jumped at you slipping in without knocking (avoid the Milieth at all costs, even tho ur literally god and you’ve been told you can do whatever you want mostly)

and knocked a whooooollleee stack of papers to the floor, scattering it everywhere 😭

you’d scrambled to start picking them up,, but then she stops you frantically saying “No, no, it’s okay, it’s not a big deal I promise, there’s no need to cry over these silly papers, heaven-sent!”

what??

oh.

oh no.

it’d just been one more thing you’d messed up on top of all of today (and tbh this whole month whirlwind of becoming some kind of god of the continent)

and Ganyu was, Ganyu <3

she was sweet and kind and so overwhelmingly helpful, how could you make a mess of her life too-

“Emperor? Huangdi?”

you’re just sitting on the floor now, but you startle when she gently holds your upper arms, calling your name very softly, so soft if she wasn’t saying you actual name you’d think she was talking to something else, something precious to her

the qilin guides you up, easily supporting your weight, she directs you to her couch, and manuvers you into laying your head across her plush thighs, the half-adepti’s pants aren’t as skin-tight like in-game, they’re actually the cosiest fabric you’ve ever laid on (or maybe that’s just a combination of your fragileness and her thick thighs)

she rubs your shoulder and back, offering a tissue (when did she get that-)

and that’s when you know you’ve chosen your first friend in Teyvat perfectly :)

◇

you sneak out nearly every night for those first few months in Liyue (not including travel, which you tried to limit or you’d both make an excuse why she needed to come with lol)

just to sneak into her office, and you’d nearly cried a second time on her when she offered some notes about both standard human and adepti behaviors (after all, she’s had to study them both to fit into both)

Ganyu learns to do your hair and you do hers 🥺 she can’t bring herself to trust anyone to cut her hair but you, and you always try to do styles that don’t get in her way <3

like buns with a braid wrapped around it, or two space buns (Keqing didn’t say anything but Ganyu gossiped to you about how she could see a little smile on her face whenever she ran into Ganyu that week, obviously cutely thinking how they matched)

While of course the first thing Ganyu did was propose to help you schedule/manage your time so you wouldn’t have to rely on your non-existent executive function-

you’d also made sure to literally plop ur chin over her shoulder to make sure you saw “break” AT LEAST once a day, now that she was incorporating herself a little into ur schedule too (Ganyu fought tooth and nail to get rid of that lunch-break, but then you threatened to also not eat, and she caved so fast LMAO)

(bc she’s a die-hard workaholic ofc she wants this, after you heard abt her schedule in-game you’d thought it was lucky she was not fully human or she would’ve dropped dead, but now even moreso watching that horror in real time 💀)

which!! she!! is so!! (at this point you usually just squeeze her round cheeks a little too hard before then wrapping your arms as far as they can go around her torso and squeezing even harder-)

After a couple of “your trauma 🤝 my trauma” nights, she honestly understood really well where your limits were so to speak, what you could and simply couldn’t do

and was the first one willing to explain to people you have executive dysfunction (and was quick to cut off any “just try harder/pull yourself up by your bootstraps/just believe in yourself” nonsense when if came to your disabilities, even tho those were few and far between moments if any)

afterall, people had expected the same from her, and she frequently fell into that thinking herself (it also didn’t help that as you tried to give her a normal schedule at first, which benefitted her human side more, it felt like the Qixing was stumbling to keep up with the supernatural workload now being distributed)

Ganyu knew it had been your influence originally that helped her when she’d had her workload lightened/then followed by the traveler when she ran off

(and regardless of the truth too, when you’d finally gotten the courage to tell her how you actually interacted with Teyvat, unable to steer actions from what the plot dictated)

she’d still attributed it to you, (”well, you could’ve always just picked up your things and left, yes? But even if it was ‘pre-planned’ like you say, you still wanted to follow through and were… ahem, h-happy for m-me, right?” you’d smacked right into her you stimmed so relieved)

You didn’t exactly know how to explain it, bc everyone was really accepting,

from citizens to nobles, officials and guards, to vision-users, gods and other supernatural beings that inhabited Teyvat

no one judged you for unmasking/stimming, but in that way that meant they didn’t really understand what was different about you, they just knew you were and they’d still decided to treat you with the same adoration anyway

but Ganyu,

she treated you the same but knew what stims you did when you were happy or excited, what ones comforted you, what your latest verbal stims were, and what your “classics” were (u never had to tell her, she just learned them quick and all on her own, bless this woman 🛐 )

Ganyu understood all the good and all the bad and saw you unmasked and still laughed so hard at your jokes she fell into your side and always asked another question about your hyperfixations/interests

you’d quickly realized there were a lot of neurodivergent overlaps between stuff Ganyu did and what you did

(whether or not she herself was, you just assumed yes based on what you researched, but there wasn’t any official testing in teyvat)

it makes more sense to you after applying the neurospicy filter to all her actions why she’s so obsessed with work (she hyperfixates on certain projects the Qixing has going, and has a long-term passive fixation on scheduling/stationary/related office work stuff)

but this also meant you understood why she was always asking for more about you, your mortal world, your time here, where you wanted to go in teyvat, what you wanted to do, how’d you feel when the game did this to someone, what about-?

needless to say you couldn’t (and didn’t have to 🥲) contain your stims at knowing you became a slight hyperfixation for her

she got all embarassed and blushy about it!!! <333😩 (and did that cute thing where she just kinda sways in place holding her hands together when bashful or nervous ✨💔✨)

unrelated to above, but your favorite thing (besides sightseeing or eating at yet another new restaurant in liyue) to do together is go do something childish

like playing children’s games (hopscotch, or hill sliding in ganyus case) from both ur childhoods

u thought itd be a good idea to get Ganyu to relax a little more and have more fun outside her job!

(again, unrelated bc idk im scattered with these headcanons, the cryo user loves when you help her pick new outfits at stores not bc she wants to impress u what)

ok last unrelated headcanon i promise,

Ganyu wasn’t overly affectionate before, honestly she was always going too fast to stop for those kind of casual touches (and when was there time in her old scedule)

but after a month of getting comfortable around each other, she subconciously gets up from her desk (mid-reading a file/carrying it with her lmao)

and sits on her office couch, making room for you to lay on her (and she is the perfect pillow)

(you dont point it out, you know she’ll get too embarassed, and you refuse to lose Ganyu cuddles <3)

☆

im so glad im not the only one who took one look at Ganyu’s problems in life and was like, “damn im neurospicy, ur so right, blue-frosty-magical-half-deer-secretary-woman”

btw it’s on the masterlist “turn on the background music?” but here’s really long playlist I made for sagau stuff!

mostly game music but also other fun songs i hope fit, mostly based of my blog so it’s not dark (as the other playlists under SAGAU search on spotify looked dark too lmao)

Safe Travels Bonk Anon,

💀♒

I mentioned making a kofi before, but I think I’ll start including it in posts too if u guys dont mind!

An iced coffee? For me?? :O

☆

♡the beloveds♡

@karmawonders / @0rah-s / @randomnatics / @glxssynarvi / @nexylaza / @genshin-impacts-me / @wholesomey-artist / @thedevioussmirk / @the-dumber-scaramouche / @chocogi / @fallen-starr / @areaderofbooks

#tis slow going over here at deadaqua.com #i wanna write a bunch then post it all at once #idc if that makes me a menace #i am free #genshin sagau #sagau #genshin isekai #genshin imagines #my asks #ganyu x reader #sagau ganyu #self aware genshin au #gender neutral reader #genshin impact sagau #could be platonic but i implied romantic #but ill tag anyway #sagau platonic #genshin x reader

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tonydaddingham · 1 year ago

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god i hope you guys are ready for another crackpot theory, but this is now living rent-free in my head and it's time to pay up:

i'm now fairly convinced that crowley - and possibly aziraphale too - doesn't fully remember the fall.

because im rewatching s1 right? and this is what crowley said about adam and eve being exiled from eden because they ate from the tree of knowledge:

im sorry, but it's an 'overreaction'? that god would oust them from the garden - yes, for doing something she told them not to do - but for doing something, as crowley intimates shortly after, can't be that bad? and suggests deserved leniency, or mercy?

of course it's an overreaction! its completely bonkers! as bonkers as 'asking questions', or '[hanging] around the wrong people'! ie. presumably, if we assume crowley was telling the truth about why he fell*, this would have been his first offence. so why does he clarify that it's an overreaction because it was a first offence? and the offence itself (see next gif), as he suggests, wasn't even that big of an issue anyway?

if crowley truly did fall* for either or both of those above reasons, why on earth would he word it as an 'overreaction', and say it as if he's not sure? surely he'd sound way more bitter about it, as he tends to get later on in s1 and s2...?

if anything, to him, after the fall, it would make complete sense that god would react that way, that it was an overreaction. now, he could just be saying this to gauge aziraphale's reaction, true, but a) the body language and tone doesn't feel like he's testing aziraphale, he genuinely looks a bit clueless, and b) the way he goes on afterwards makes me think he doesn't yet remember the whole of his own experience in the fall.

isn't the whole act of falling meant to mean you are on the opposite side? the opposite of heaven - of Good? it literally posits the idea of there being a Good side and an Evil side, full-stop. crowley knows that there is a difference, and aziraphale too; they literally acknowledge this within their respective lines and being, by definition, a demon and an angel respectively.

so, given they've been through the fall, they'd surely understand the reason why knowledge of that difference is bad, right? they'd know why that knowledge is dangerous - it leads to conflict of literal, psychological, and spiritual proportions... so why don't they seem to acknowledge that understanding in this dialogue? why are they spitballing as to why humans knowing the difference is an issue? they'd surely know that it would - and it does, somewhat - spell for disaster.

it's almost like they've just become into being, an Evil Demon and a Good Angel, as if this is literally their very beginning. without much, if any, backstory to give them both context in this conversation. ie. why is aziraphale only guessing that "it must be bad...", when he's gone through the exact thing that makes him know why it's bad? because in his case, it led to the fall? to conflict? or, does he actually remember, but suspects in this scene that crawly doesn't?

now, im going to parse out some evidence, as i see it, in potential support, and countering, this theory.

they definitely seem to remember being angels, that is beyond dispute (allowing for hazy memory on both their and my parts):

crowley remembers building alpha centauri

crowley remembers (somewhat) discussing creating the concept of gravity

crowley remembers going into battle/war

crowley says "the angel i was is not me"

aziraphale remembers chucking his halo in the war

aziraphale says "you were an angel, once" (which is a little shaky but let's go with it) in s1

aziraphale says "i remember the angel you were"

aziraphale says "like the old times"

other things ive forgotten, no doubt, but you get the point - they must remember being angels at the very least, and also remember the war itself.

but, on crowley's part, we know he's a questionable narrator. to my mind (so this is biased as hell), i genuinely think this is part of his character and narrative makeup.

*im also going to plug an old meta from the pre-s2 golden era (and btw - humble brag - was liked by neil so im taking this to mean it's somewhat approved); his given reason for why he fell and how he fell conflict with each other. i originally sat on the side of crowley lying about why/how he fell, but now im more in the camp of him not fully knowing at all, and without god to give him answers, he's just guessed.

so was the judgement, his last judgement, if we go by this... was erased? well, if you go by my theory on the book of life (which obviously i do)... it kinda adds up. the only thing it contradicts is whether crowley fully remembers being an angel at all which has already been discussed by others, i.e. he does not. ill leave that up for debate.

but that crowley might remember his interaction with lucifer and co., and he had a propensity for asking questions, and assumed it was because of that... that he might remember diving into the sulphur pool (im not accepting "sauntered vaguely downwards", bc he said this in front of aziraphale), and crawling out into hell...

but. the bit in between? his actual judgement and sentence? the gavel on the block? god (literally) only knows.

(and aziraphale? his memory? im not entirely sure... but his perspective on the fall has been largely silent; mainly, i imagine, because he literally didn't go through it, and so has not really had occasion to talk about it. that doesn't support that he doesn't remember... but it doesn't negate it either. the only thing i would say is that, going by the BOL theory, he doesn't appear to have fallen... so if he does or doesn't remember, to my mind, is also still largely up for debate).

#good omens #this really is scraping the bottom of the barrel #congrats lads! we've hit theory-rock bottom together!!!🎉#the fall/the great war spec #pre-fall aziraphale spec #AWCW spec #memory wipe theory #book of life theory

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ramonahblog · 1 year ago

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So like Im starting to like cbs ghosts after hating on it how do I fix my mistakes

I am going to assume you are (or were) a fan of BBC Ghosts since that has been my experience about people hating CBS Ghosts initially. If I'm wrong, feel free to correct me.

What do you mean by hating on it? Or are you asking how not to like it? Because if it's the latter, I'm not going to be able to help due to liking the series. So while there are certainly things I don't like about it (like ever other media I watch), I'm not going to try and convince someone to dislike the show. Which brings me back to what you mean by "hating on it". Because there is a difference between hating on the show itself even without giving it a chance and trashing people for their fictional taste. And sometimes people do conflate the two.

There isn't really anything major to do if the hate was IDK, calling it a copycat or something. Or that it was a stupid show that misses the point of the UK Ghosts or that Isaac's entire character was just one big gay joke for the show.

The latter complaint annoys me a lot (I have a long-ass post in the works talking about it) but it's still over fictional characters, right? And people are entitled to hate a type of fiction.

If you just talked trash about the show, you can just talk positively about the show if that's how you feel now. You're allowed to change your mind. If you want to or feel like it'll be brought up, just mention what you've said here. If the mistake is you trashed the show before giving it a chance, just say that.

You're human, OP. I know a lot of times it's forgotten on the internet but humans are inherently messy and make mistakes or don't behave even to our own standards. Humans change their minds. Perfectly normal. The other thing is if you trashed people for liking CBS Ghosts or giving it a chance, that's going to be more difficult to make up for.

First thing is to apologise once to the people you hurt if you can (they may have blocked you, do not try and get around the blocks) and then leave it up to them. Don't, no matter how tempting, keep contacting them and try to explain.

The second is to really consider what made you feel it was okay to hurt people for their taste. And to consider if you regret it because you now like the show or if you regret it because you let your hate get the better of you. Because if it's the former, you will do it again.

The third (and this leads from the second), take action to prevent or limit the ways you can comment right away especially when your emotions are high. This could be read things while logged off so you can't comment until you are in a better headspace. Have a set day where you just block the sites and do something, go offline for a while. Anon is always on here so feel free to send in more if you are confused or want to clarify or I have it completely wrong.

#anonymous asked #cbs ghosts #anon asks #response #answered #liking a show after disliking it #reflection #this was longish

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cherrybomboyfriend · 7 months ago

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a man with a hammer sees everything as a nail. a tarantula doused in poison sees life as a box of chocolates

may 15, 2024.

it’s been a few days since my last letter; i have no clue what to call these rants except for what they are? letters to an abyss of bystanding entities. it makes me so sad that one day all of you will die. this exact fact is the thing that keeps me up every night and tickles tears out of my eyes all the time. i’m tormented and tortured by fatality. one day my mother will die. one day my uncles will die. one day my friends will die. one day my little cousins will die. one day i’ll die. i’ll be forgotten like 50’s actresses that got booked for a single role then never appeared in anything ever again. mortality has been familiar with me since i was a child. one of my earliest (yet funnest?) memories was attending two funerals in one day. the first funeral was for an aunt on my grandmother’s side, and the second was for a cousin on my grandfather’s side. i remember looking at all of the solemn faces as a 7 year old and simply enjoying the fact that all of my family members were hanging out together, understanding that someone has lost their life and will never come back yet not being phased by it. the first funeral i’ve cried at was my father’s. i’m pretty sure i spent that entire day crying. i was 12 when i woke up in the middle of the night to police standing outside of my bedroom door. i peaked through the crack to see so much commotion in the hallway, not knowing what to do or what to think. hours passed before my mother crept my door open with a weak voice telling me that she’d be leaving me in the house alone to go with my father to the hospital. years later she told me that she already knew he was dead based on a feeling in her stomach. that was the first time in my entire life that i had felt such deep and guttural emptiness. i realized that humans weren’t rubber bands that relied on their elasticity to keep their pacemakers on. i realized that i could die at 12 years old.

these thoughts haunted me well into my teenage years, with those years rounding off with my grandmother’s death. she was a stubborn old woman who didn’t want to see any doctors and yelled at anyone who offered her help. i knew that her time was coming close to running over well before she passed, which haunted me. logistically it made sense, but spiritually? it drove me mad. sometimes i manage to convince myself that i can predict people’s deaths in manic delusional states. sometimes i get “an itch”, then start sobbing thinking about how one of my friends is probably dying as i wipe tears from my eyes. i’m haunted by my own intuition and i question it every day. i question if i can control time and death. i question if life is even worth living if im gonna spend every minute of it waiting for the day that the birds chirp in slow motion and my breath hitches at an uncontrollable rate. i’m terrified.

i hate how much these thoughts control me. i would take any pill that allows me to not think about the concept of death for at least one day. at least one hour. at least one minute. why doesn’t anyone else feel the same way i do? people plan their future without any anxiety and i don’t understand it. why are you planning a cruise for 2 years from now when you could possibly crash in your car on the way there? why are you planning on attending undergrad school when you could get shot tomorrow? why are you beginning things that could abruptly end? why are we living just to die? what am i supposed to do with these thoughts? put them inside of my purse and eat them as snacks whenever the government decides that im too old for assistance? do i spit these words into a bottle douce them in alcohol then chug them back inside until i get poisoning and see the light? what do i do with the amount of thoughts that haunt me every night?

i can’t do anything. it’s the most freeing and dismal thing ive had to realize. i still don’t think i realize it because i cry at any thought of an end-of-the-world situation. i can’t do anything and i can’t escape. if there were a way to make people immortal scientists would’ve done it by now. i just have to accept my fate. these thoughts make me feel like a prisoner on death row screaming and pleading for the electric shock to implode on itself as soon as it reaches an inch away from my forehead. i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how to prevent it from making me sad every day. i want out, but i can’t get out. i don’t know how to end this letter. i just want things to get better. i want to come to terms with these thoughts instead of pushing them away. i want to be the average joe. i don’t want mortality to run my life like a big soccer game. i watch the shot clock as i hyperventilate from my bed. i don’t want to go to sleep anymore.

okay well… if there’s one positive note that i can clench onto as a send off it’s that i’m glad that we’ve invented chocolate. it’s the best creation ever. sweet treats. if humans weren’t here then there’d be no chocolate. or at least any as good as the bars i get from the grocery store. i love those. and nutella. and chocolate wafers. i’d die for one of those. i’m happy again. goodnight. sweet dreams my little mortals. we’re all gonna be alright.

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mu-pt1 · 7 months ago

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fear

growing up isnt a feeling I ever expected to experience. I thought id have passed long ago. from the moment I realized that im just a little different at the ripe age of 10 to still trying to connect with life at the age im at now, ive been in a constant state of trying to fit in. so much so that I didnt plan much for the future. my only plan is to work with animals and if that doesnt work out, im not sure what else to fall back on. soon, ill be an adult. soon, ill have to actually grow up and stop falling back into my childish ways when things go a little wrong. as I sit in my room, candles lit, windows open staring out into the dark forest night, I feel a sense of peace though. im not sure what im doing but im doing it and im trying my best. I hope all goes well. I love my boyfriend dearly. I say that about a lot of guys that ive talked to/dated so I wont bother trying to convince you that I truly do love him. I think I love hard and suffer harder as a result of it. im fearful he may play me like the rest have but im fine with it. ill cry and then ill get over it like I always have. people wonder why I move on so fast but I have no choice. life wont pause just because something went wrong in my life as much as I wish it would. my number one fear is to be left behind and forgotten about. so to beat this, I move on quick in the effort of staying caught up. someone breaks my heart, I cry, and then I move on. I cant stay behind otherwise ill be stuck behind. if I could get the moment to grieve, I would. but unfortunately, life just simply doesnt work like that. Ive gotten used to the fact that people you love are going to hurt you. theres no way to avoid that. hiding from that and denying it will only have you denying yourself. denying and hiding from yourself is the last thing you want to do. I often time feel alone. sometimes I like it but then I remember that sometimes, I truly am alone. this is where that painful feeling creeps in. its like a pinch that you just cant stop. a rock in your throat that you just cant cry out. I wish that I could get people to pay attention to me but we're all living our own lives and who am I to beg someone to stop and look at me for just a moment? this is why I dont blame attention seekers for being the people that they are. we all want attention in some way. some of us just go about it the wrong way. I was one of them. I used to show off my body. when that wouldnt work, id start arguments. when that wouldn't work, id show off how bad I had hurt myself. when even that wouldnt work, id lock myself away and accept the fact that no one truly cared. to battle through that is a scary and very excruciating feeling. its a feeling I dont want anyone to have the pain of experiencing. this is why im so giving to others and always help whenever I can. from human to animal. I dont want anyone to experience what I felt. to think what I thought. thats why I made this account. to let others battling the same issues as me to know that there is someone who understands that pain down to the waking up with excitement and then realizing theres nothing to be excited about.

#bittersweet #alicks

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avagaiaradwild · 10 months ago

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todays been kindof a lil hell.

ive been in deeper pits, this time i have the words of women to hold my hand.

the love of my friends makes me stronger, wiser, kinder to myself, even when im walking in the shadows of men. i (still) keep my eyes wide open.

i try to justify myself and convince them, (still,) as if to prove my sanity: but sleep has been easier since the truth has shone for me, and truths that are confirmed everyday, walking over this luscious, abundant planet as a female human being. as much as i wish i was wrong, daily happenings prove me right as men keep the boots on our necks another day, another week, another decade, another century, yet another time.

i never wanted to hate men, i wanted to love them: but more n more what was done to me, and what i later rather than never realized is done to women all over, led me to give up that desire in exchange for feeling what is rightfully mine to feel: anger, resentment, disgust, despise and deathwishing for the violence that is truly their millenary, planetary and consistent habit of pleasure.

i make myself stronger by reading as much as i can, as much as i can read, as much as i can handle, as much as time, health and the consequences of their violence may allow me- of what women have to say about being a woman in this world, about whats been done to us, about what we are capable of. about the intrinsec value of our lives. no matter how many times we've been forgotten, erased, ignored, minimized, hidden or destroyed.

my favorites are the ones that speak with the power of courage, the direct ones, the fluid talk, the understandable simplicity of naming names. the truth is powerful and piercing.

im proud to say i have friends who do and continue to fight for women, to value women, to rescue womens history, to build womens culture, to streghten womens bonds with each other. im proud to say i know women and i know of women who have recognized their humanity and the humanity of their peers. who have found themselves amongst their peers.

to value our voice and the voices of our sisters, current living or long gone, is to understand we are always alone and never alone. we carry their words with us, their strength grows and occupies the starry sky, populates the pantheon of the brave that we keep in our hearts at candlelight.

even from the women that have deeply hurt me, i carry with me their blessings of true love.

i water gardens to keep sisters close.

men rage hell, and today they have, but i can rest better trusting this pathway ive chosen: of honouring the truth, of knowing who are my people, and never running from either.

bless ya, women. 🐈‍⬛

#women #journaling #women friendships #feminism #misandry #sorority #radblr

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cosmicjoke · 3 years ago

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Saezuru chap 39-40 observations

So what’s interesting is that we discover at the end of chapter 39 that Doumeki has been keeping tabs on Yashiro through Chestnut. He knows Yashiro runs a casino in Shibuya, and is able to ascertain that it was Yashiro who wrecked the pet shop, based off of what the owner said. It’s why Doumeki is unsurprised when he runs into Yashiro while searching for Kido, versus Yashiro’s obvious shock at seeing Doumeki. I think this lends weight to the notion that Doumeki is only in the yakuza now as a means of staying near Yashiro. It shows that Doumeki, despite being pushed out of Yashiro’s life, never gave up on reuniting with him, though in what way he saw that happening, who can say. This is in pretty stark contrast to Yashiro, who clearly planned on never seeing Doumeki again, as evidenced by him not keeping tabs on Doumeki at all.

Yashiro’s dream about Doumeki is, as has already been discussed endlessly, Im sure, fascinating. He’s forgotten Doumeki’s face, and when he wakes up, we again see the imagery of him covering his right eye, and thinking about how short the human memory is, trying to recall what Doumeki looked like. He still clearly remembers Doumeki, but the imagery here is interesting. I said before that, at the end of chapter 35, Yashiro goes to see Doumeki one last time in the hospital, watching from a distance as he reunites with his family, and we see him cover his right eye. At the beginning of the time skip, Yashiro thinks to himself that Hirata “took my right eye”, before lamenting that he didn’t take the other, and I felt in a lot of ways Yashiro was referring to his life here, wishing Hirata had taken it, that he had died that day, etc... Now here, in the present, when he wakes from his dream, unable to recall Doumeki’s face, but still holding onto the memory of Doumeki and his presence, I think again that Yashio’s lost right eye is symbolic of him having let Doumeki go, errassing him from his life, and trying to errass him from his memory. But because Yashrio still remains “in this world”, because he’s still alive, he still has one eye remaining, which means he can’t fully escape the memory of Doumeki, which causes him a great deal of pain and suffering. Yashiro had wanted to die, knowing he was going to have to let Doumeki go, knowing that ending his own life was the only way to escape what he knew would be the pain of that loss. But because he didn’t die, he’s left with Doumeki’s partial presence in his mind, while having lost his physical presence in his life, leaving Yashiro’s existence desolate and alone. The dream itself also seems symbolic of this, as after running away from Doumeki, Yashiro turns back around to find him gone, and the landscape around him changes into a desert, all the people around him suddenly gone. I think Yashiro’s memory of Doumeki not being fully in tact, being obscured, is also representative of him having let Doumeki go, but also, because Yashiro himself remains living, enduring the consequences of that loss. He hangs on to the memory of Doumeki, while still contending with his physical absence, thus Doumeki appearing only partially to him.

We later see Yashiro standing by the ocean, obviously depressed. Even Nanahara picks up on it, and tells him to stop acting out of character, asking him what’s wrong, and Yashiro tells him he had a bad dream. Yashiro’s depression can be assumed to be related to the again fresh reminder of what he let go, and what he lost in the process. He’s feeling sad and empty, because he dreamed again of Doumeki.

We also see some more parallels here between Yashiro and Doumeki, with Kamiya repeating almost word for word what Yashiro had once said about yakuza being actors, convincing people that they’re something they aren’t. This seems to be exactly what Doumeki is doing himself now, just as Yashiro’s done all his life, playing a part that doesn’t represent at all who he really is. This could also reflect Doumeki’s getting sucked into that lifestyle which Yashiro so wanted to prevent, wherein he’s forced to become something he’s not. That’s of course a theme in this story, and with the yakuza in particular, that existing in that world forces you to bury your true self, and eventually forces you to lose hold of it, and possibly lose your humanity in the process. What’s interesting too is how the girl’s at Kido’s bar tell Yashiro that he doesn’t look at all like a yakuza because of how good looking he is, while they said Doumeki definitely looked like yakuza, because of all the scars on his face. Even as Yashiro struggles to escape that world, Doumeki gets pulled further in.

Yashiro’s deeply melancholic expression after seeing Doumeki, at the end of chapter 40, when he wanders off alone to walk along the ocean, I think reflects his deep sadness at seeing Doumeki and realizing he’s still involved in the world of the yakuza. He recalls right before this the girl’s words at the bar, about the duo that came in the day before looking for Kido, how the first one looked like a typical gangster, and the second one had a face “full of scars. So scary!”. In an instant, Yashiro finds out that what he’d sacrificed four years earlier in an attempt to save Doumeki from this life, has been in vain. Not only is Doumeki still in that world, but given his apperance now, he’s been sucked so deeply into it, there might be no escape. This new found knowledge comes right on the heels of Yashiro’s dream about Doumeki, and the reminder of what he’d lost, and what he’d been left with. Yashiro was already depressed, but it can only have exacerbated that depression, to realize all that self-inflicted suffering on his part has been, essentially, for nothing. Doumeki is, seemingly, a full fledged yakuza now, seemingly incapable of going back to a normal life. When Nanahara calls Yashiro and tells them they’ve caught Kido’s brother at the brigde, and Yashiro comes and finds Doumeki holding Kido’s brother down, he looks at Doumeki’s violence, pressing his hand to the back of Kido’s brother’s neck, and then looks at the scar running along his face, and I think these are representative to Yashiro of Doumeki’s involvement in the yakuza, him being ensconced in that kind of violence and societal disenfranchisment.

#saezuru tori wa habatakanai #twittering birds never fly #Yashiro #Doumeki

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curiousmeliorist · 2 years ago

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My sem 5 exam is in 2 days.

I haven't even reached halfway through the portion. There are 6 papers and I'm clueless about 90% of its content. I would be reading (if that's even possible at this point) most of it for the first time.

The worst part is I do not feel guilty. I am completely aware I might not pass this exam if I don't start. That too only if I cram like my life depends on it. Which I am not.

I'm sitting here. Trying to switch between things that can take up my time. Pretend that I need rest. When j haven't worked to get tired.

I am have received notice to meet the teacher too. I have submitted 2 of my assignments late. Which they probably won't take in (really unlikely that they would). I messed up my internals by keeping stuff for the last moment.

There is nothing in me that wants to work. I want to learn yes. I am tired of this pressure. I've become numb to it.

I'm questioning my capabilities each day. My self worth was never there for me to loose it. But my identity itself is in crisis.

I can see myself sinking slowly. I'm being cut off air. I'm being compressed into myself from all directions. Although I'm huge. I can feel me bring crushed. I have forgotten what freedom feels like. What rest or peace looks like. Happiness is a foreign concept. So is sadness. I've grown so barren that I have got no tears left to cry. I just can't.

I'm sick and tired of living. Existing. Of being. I'm no longer human. I do not wish to be. There is nothing that can make me stay. Convince me that what I'm going through would pass. That I'll get better. Hope is for those who wish for change. I don't think im looking for anything at this point.

Ambition was never part of me.

I don't think I'll regret dying tomorrow. Maybe it'd be painful for my parents. But people get over it. They'll move on. I won't have to suffer the uncertainty the pressure the constant sadness and anxiety of life. I can't see anyone happy. I don't see a point in living on.

I've lost the meaning of my existence. Of the world. And the endless portion is just a reminder of my failure to be. It's so messed up that I can't even feel. A long time ago everything inside mw was consumed by guilt and self hatred. Now I'm an empty shell. But I'm in pain

Of loneliness. Of realizing that I may never find happiness. Or content. My life would be nothing. Not even precious to me.

I wish I had a helping hand. I wish I were more than what I am. I wish part of me had an ounce of will power that I stopped ranting on a random page and start studying. Because I'm a hypocrite who doesn't work but expects results.

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whitexwingedxdoves · 4 years ago

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the other side part 2 [request]

Pairing: Negan x Reader Pronouns: She/Her Warnings: Language, Death Summary: A new life seemed far too good to be true when Rick promised it to you and despite your doubts that’s exactly what you got or atleast you thought. A/N: Requested by @jinxeee - I HOPE YOU LOVE IT! Im working on the last part right now and it should be out TOMORROW <3 Tags: @aubageddon91 Part One Here. | Next Chapter

It felt like you were in that box room for years. The only human interaction you would ever get was when someone passed one of those rancid sandwiches through. You never saw Negan though and at some point, you gave up hope and came to terms with the fact he just didn’t care or loved you the way you thought he did. You lost track of the days and nights a long time ago, the blood had peeled from your skin now but it seemed to stain, or it was shadows…. or your mind just playing tricks on you.

It had been a while since the door opened, no dog food sandwiches, no water. Nothing. You thought perhaps they were just going to let you die in there in the worst way possible. Your mind was left to fight the dehydration and hallucinations that came with it, the women you murdered seemed to jump out at you from each corner of the room when you’d least expect it… you were living your very own horror movie. Today you laid in the foetus position, trying to stop the ghosts from getting to you when you heard the door crack open, you wanted to look so badly but you were scared it was your brain playing some evil trick on you. You finally gained the courage to turn towards the light, wincing at the headache that attacked you almost immediately but it was a sign that this was real. Standing in the doorway was a tall slender man, a gun pointed in your direction, you held your hands up as you attempted to sit up straight. You watched as he lowered his gun and shouted for someone to help him. As you backed yourself into the corner, you watched as a much stockier man came running to his side, the skinner man made his way towards you but with caution.

“We’re gonna get you out of here” he spoke softly, holding out a hand for you to hold. “I'm Rick, Rick Grimes” a small gasp escaped your lips at the revelation of who was in front of you now. You had heard about him from the other saviours, you knew he was the leader for another community that was causing trouble for Negan but with your primary job at the sanctuary being to look after the sanctuary while the rest of the saviours were gone, you had never had to come face to face with the infamous Rick Grimes.

You took his hand as he led you out of the room, watching to see if you were hurt anywhere. When you passed the door frame, you couldn’t help but let your tears stream, finally being free from that hell. Your hand squeezing Rick’s a little as you try to compose yourself. You turned to him not daring to make any eye contact, biting down on your bottom lip. “Thank you” you whispered, not having enough energy to say it any louder. You felt someone hit your side softly, your eyes now panning to the object, the other man holding out a canteen for you which you hungrily took from him and downed the entire thing. You allowed a small moan to pass your lips as the dust in your throat regained its moisture. You heard the unnamed man telling you to take it easy but how could you, you had been without water for days, you passed him the empty canteen and wiped your bottom lip. “Thank you –“ finally now your voice was able to hit a higher octave.

“Daryl”

The men took you back to where they called home, Alexandria and it was beautiful, it was nothing like the sanctuary, it took you a few days to fully settle in – even longer to convince people that you weren’t a threat. Rick though, Rick didn’t need convincing, he’d keep you around him most of the time, teaching you new things like how to garden – that was your favourite job, He introduced you to his Daughter, Judith who seemed to take to you very well, constantly asking you to play with her whenever she saw you. He told you stories about his son Carl and the vision he had for Alexandria and you couldn’t help but tear up every time he mentioned he thought Carl would have loved you… like Judith does. The more you proved yourself the more people started to warm up to you, Michonne was the first to warm up to you, she couldn’t ignore how good you were with her daughter, nor could she ignore her daughter boasting about you at dinner every night. Daryl was a little harder to break, he recognised you as one of the saviours still but slowly he started to let his guard down around you – it was little things like bring you back your very own rabbit after a hunt or letting you watch him as he worked on his bike, it wasn’t much but you appreciated it.

You’d stay in Alexandria for the most part, taking care of the children while the rest went off to work on the fallen bridge. You avoid the cell where Negan was kept like it was the plague, never offering to take food in despite some of the residents begging you too. You were happy again, finally. Rick had shown you what it was like to be a part of a family and now you did everything you could to show your utmost respect for the Sheriff, he was like a brother you never had and you wouldn’t let Negan ruin that for you.

Today was a little different, you were asked to stay at Alexandria to watch Judith once again as the rest attempted to lure a horde of walkers away from the communities. You put Judith to bed but you couldn’t settle, you paced the living room floor awaiting Michonne or Rick to come through the door with good news but they never did. Instead you saw one of the residents knocking on the door, when you opened the door you couldn’t ignore the expression on his face, it was bad news. You looked past him to see a few familiar faces all seemingly upset, some had been crying. “What happened?” there was a crack in your voice, not really wanting an answer to your question and you didn’t get one. Instead you spotted Daryl just a little away from the crowd, deep in thought. You ran to him, hoping he could provide you with the answer. When you finally reached him, his eyes met with yours and instantly started to water, your chest started to heave thinking that the worst might have happened. Your eyes panned around the crowd taking in everyone that was there. You turned back to Daryl and swallowed the lump in your throat. “Where’s Rick?” your eyes started to tear up when he didn’t respond but you shook your head growing more impatient. “Where’s Rick!” you now screamed at the man, his tears now falling down his face as he shook his head, you had never seen Daryl like this before and that alone was enough to break you, you could feel your hands shaking uncontrollably as you attempted to make sense of the situation. “No- No…. No this is- No!” you cried, your legs finally buckling from under you, only to be caught by Daryl as you fell.

Since that day, you and Daryl became pretty much inseparable, constantly out checking new places to see if there was any sign of the man but after a couple of years had gone by you had run out of places to check. You set your sights on helping Michonne with RJ and Judith, hunting for them and watching them whenever she needed you too and much to your surprise, Daryl was right there with you. You had been sure that he would have continued to look for Rick without your help and well, he did but he was never gone for more than half a day. He swore it had nothing to do with you or the kids but you knew different, you could read him like a book now. He was your best friend, and you were his.

You walked around the gardens with Daryl checking in on everyone for the day before sending him on his way. He’d make a few jokes about how life seemed far too domesticated for his liking and you’d tease him a little, claiming he would make the perfect stay at home dad one day which would only make him push you ever so slightly. You spent most of your time there giggling away with Daryl pretty much ignoring everyone around you, you couldn’t help but feel lucky to be able to see such a soft side of the archer and you soaked up every opportunity you could. The laughter died down as Daryl spotted Negan being escorted out to the fields, trying to distract you a little so you didn’t notice. He had completely forgotten to warn you that Gabriel had decided to put Negan to work, you shot him a confused look as he stepped closer to you, blocking your view with his broad shoulders. “What are you doing?” you laughed slightly, slapping his shoulder but when he didn’t move your tone took a more serious turn. “Daryl?” The southerner sighed while rubbing the back of his neck, avoiding your eyes.

“They’re lettin’ that bastard work on the garden” he finally admitted, moving ever so slightly so you could see the scene unfold. You saw Negan bent down near the strawberries, pulling at weeds, you couldn’t bare the sight of him any longer and your eyes flickered away swallowing the lump in your throat you sent Daryl a faux smile, nodding your head.

“Good.” You whispered before linking your arm with his and continued to walk away. Your heart was racing after seeing him, you didn’t dare visit him while he was stuck in the cell, you were too scared. You almost forgot what he looked like after all these years but your heart couldn’t forget how easily he broke you.

As he picked away at weeds with his bare hands, Negan’s eyes started to wander around the garden, his heart seemed to stop when he laid eyes on you the way you wrapped yourself around Daryl’s arm laughing. He always imagined that the first time he’d see you after he locked you in that room, you’d be on your knee’s begging to be loved by him. He could feel the jealousy rise in his body, his face turning a slight red colour as he pulled a little too hard on one of the weeds. That night in his cell, all he could think about was you and how happy you looked with Daryl, his mind wandering to what you’d get up to with the archer when people weren’t watching which only angered him more. Despite all the anger, he was left more confused than anything as he sat on the edge of his bed, why did he only see you in this light now? Why did he care so much? Instead of dwelling, Negan tried to shut his eyes to fall asleep, hoping that the next day would treat him a little better.

It didn’t of course as he tended to the garden he was once again met with your laughter, his eyes narrowed at the sight of you touching Daryl’s arms before you both chased RJ around the garden. He had never seen you so happy before, so radiant it made him smile just for a moment until he saw Daryl touch you back, his hand rested tenderly on the small of your back. He couldn’t look away despite wanting to.

“If you’re not gonna work you can go back to your cell” Brandon spoke, pulling Negan's attention away from you.

“I wanna talk to Eugene” he grunted as he stood up from the flower bed.

“I don’t think you’re in any position to be making those requests” the man teased, Negan only shooting him a look before the boy nodded. “I’ll see what I can do”

#negan x reader #negan x y/n #negan x you #daryl dixon platonic #rick grimes platonic #the walking dead fanfiction #twd fanfiction #negan fanfiction

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etherealluminescence · 4 years ago

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Shdjdjjddjjs okay but, more buff cat hcs when ?? But seriously, i know it probably counts as crack hc but i enjoyed it way to much i cant get it out of my head anymore, i havent laught so much in a while now sjdjchdj. I sure hope the buff cat saga will continue !!

You know what? I’ll give you some buff cat content now. 😤 my school work can wait. And trust me, the buff cat saga WILL continue. I just tend to work on requests first rather than my own wants haha.

I’m really happy you like buff cat! Buff cat is my life now. Constantly haunted by buff cat. Maybe one day I’ll introduce a girlfriend or friends for buff cat too 🤔

Maybe I’ll do a background about buff cat and how they met MC?? And why buff cat is so attached to MC? I don’t know. 👉👈 maybe if someone requests, otherwise I’ll just do whatever I feel like in the moment.

Anyone can also feel free to request any buff cat scenarios!! If not I’ll think of some up. THIS IS SO LONG IM SORRY. I WROTE THIS LIKE 1 HOUR OR SOMETHING STRAIGHT AHA.

The boys react to buff cat teaching you

Lucifer

Lucifer had noticed your grades were improving recently, and wanted to take you out to eat for working so hard to both keep up with your class.

When he came to your room, he saw a scene that honestly shouldn’t of surprised him, but did anyways.

You were sitting at your desk, books sprawled across the entire surface area of it. On top of a book pile was buff cat, wearing a pair of glasses, and he was using a pointer to show you important parts you should remember.

He watched in awe as you two never exchanged any words, but you were scribbling down definitions and important notes, while buff cat turned the pages and reviewed your work.

He’s gotten fairly use to buff cat cooking, cleaning, intimidating others, but he has never seen buff cat act like a teacher before, it was sort of new, and he even had a teacher outfit.

He swears that he never sees you buying these outfits, or that people in the devildom actually sell muscular cat clothing.

Buff Cat is the first to break the silence, looking over at Lucifer and positioning his pointer at Lucifer’s head, and then to in front of your desk.

You were still focused on your studying, knowing that you were steadily improving. Buff Cat got out a notepad from one of your desk drawers, and wrote “Leave what you require on this note, I am instructing MC right now, and when we are done tutoring I will give this note to them.”

Lucifer ended up having to take a rain check on taking you out to eat, and learned that your cat has really advanced vocabulary.

Mammon

He was failing the majority of his classes, and ended up asking you for help. You were his best shot, and you seemed to be passing all of your classes with flying colours.

You said you were happy to help him! Except that someone else was actually helping you study. They were a very efficient teacher.

He was relieved to hear that you’d introduce your teacher to him, until he found out it was that fucking demon spawn from hell.

He screeched so hard and ran out of the room, crying like a girl. “aAAAAaaaaAAAH”

Mammon is terrified of buff cat, and now you’re telling him this cat has the intelligence of a genius? You came to the devildom like a few months ago how is this cat tutoring you and making you pass your classes with ease??

He swears your cat is trying to plot for world domination or something. Will NEVER ask you to study with him again.

Leviathan

You walked into Levi’s room trying to find buff cat. It was a Sunday, which was typically a boys night out between them, but it was getting pretty late and you need to study.

There was a test tomorrow on devildom history, and you wanted to review one more time with buff cat, as to make sure you’ll do well on it.

“Mr. Kitty, are you here?” You called out, as soon as you said that Buff Cat paused the game and ran up to you. Levi was slightly annoyed as Buff Cat was beating a hard level for him, but he is your cat above all else.

You smiled as Buff Cat greeted you, and apologised for interrupting them. You explained to Levi how you wanted to review for the test, and if it wasn’t an issue could he spare around 20 minutes?

Levi huffed and agreed and called you a normie, and was about to pick up his switch when your words finally set in.

You put down the book you were carrying and got out a pencil, and took a piece of paper out of the book. You began writing down all of the important stuff on the paper while Buff Cat watched over your shoulder.

When you were finished, he went into the book with you and showed you a couple things you’ve missed or had forgotten, and then got you to write it down three times each as to remember. He even wrote a few essay questions for you which you got.

Levi was impressed. Not only did Buff Cat seem to know the whole devildom history by heart, he knew the exact pages and lines, and even how to write.

He didn’t really care as long as Buff Cat beats the hard level for him. He just considers it to be cool.

Satan

Satan was impressed with your high grades. It must be hard for a human to suddenly learn about a whole new realm, right? So if you had Cs he would understand, but you were getting 97s and 94s.

He understood everything when he started to notice what kind of books Buff Cat had been reading in his room, recently.

You all were having a test on curses soon, and Buff Cat came by his room and began looking for books about curses, and similar ones to what you all had been learning about.

Satan ended up chuckling to himself and found it amusing. It was amazing how your cat even spent his free time coming to someone’s room, finding books for your tests, and reads them before going back to you to help you understand the content.

He likes to get coffee with Buff Cat and talk about the stuff you’re learning in classes, he never directly said it to you, but he helps Buff Cat find specific books when Buff Cat comes over.

Asmodeous

Lucifer decided to punish the house of lamentations by taking away all of their electronics after they did something stupid again. The only way to earn it back, was through getting an 80% or higher on their next test.

You and Asmo suffered because you would normally look up answer during your test, and Asmo had no social media or contact with any of his friends with benefits.

You two weren’t ashamed to beg Buff Cat for help to pass your next test. He was probably the smartest in the house. He goes to Satan’s room almost every day and purchased books when he goes out. Your cat even tutored you when you were in elementary school.

You and Asmo barely needed to convince Buff Cat, as he was ecstatic to help you again. He’d do anything to help you, and was even willing to help Asmo out as well.

Asmo thought that Buff Cat looked REALLY adorable in his teacher’s outfit. A suit, tie, glasses, and his claws were so shiny from their manicure earlier.

Buff cat even slicked his fur back to look like he gel’d his hair. He was a literal fashion icon. Asmo could do some sewing, but nothing to the degree Buff Cat did.

Buff Cat had so many outfits he made himself, and he even did them so quickly. They all turned out perfect. Oh right, this was about studying wasn’t it?

Asmo never really asked questions about why your cat could just be so smart, and more so focused on how cool your cat looked. Priorities.

Beelzebub

Beel and Buff Cat are gym buddies, so naturally they’d walk home together from the gym. Everything was fine until Buff Cat’s MC senses were tingling, and began to walk towards you, crouching down in a store trying to figure out which notebooks to buy.

Beel thought it was pretty cool Buff Cat knew where you were, like how he and Belphie were that close to each other.

Brel asked you what you were doing, and you explained that you wanted to get some new notebooks because your old one is messy and confusing. You just scribbled whatever you could down, and were having a bit of a hard time in class.

Buff Cat immediately perked up, and you two seemed to have a conversation. He meowed and you happily said “I’d love that!”

Apparently, Buff Cat had offered to tutor you. Beel wasn’t so sure how well your cat could teach, though, considering he still is a cat, and offered to help you as well, since he wouldn’t like to see you sad from overworking yourself.

He was scribbling notes alongside with you five minutes into your first session together. Buff Cat wrote such simple explanations, and even prepared notecards ahead of time, Beel forgot he was supposed to teach you.

He is pretty fine with Buff Cat teaching you both, and once again forgets that Buff Cat is a “normal”? cat and not some weird creature that knows the answer to life.

Belphegor

Is really fucking terrified of your buff cat. Like TERRIFIED. So when he sees your cat in a teacher’s outfit sitting at the dinning room table, teaching you math, he was frozen.

He came down to get a glass of milk but what is this. Do you- do you have to do it in the living room?

There is no other reaction than physical fear coursing through his body his adrenaline is at the highest and his fight or flight instincts kick in.

He’s already fought once and that caused Buff Cat to exist in constant Buff form around him, so you can bet he is running.

Probably has a group chat with Mammon and Luke. “Buff Cat Conspiracy”. They talk about how scary buff cat is.

Diavolo

Buff Cat told Diavolo he was the one who helped you study. They were having conversation (buff cat used a notebook) and the topic of your studies came up. He mentioned how he had been helping you study, and understand the terminology in the Devildom better.

He was happy to hear that you understood it, and that it wasn’t too complicated for either of you too.

He actually asks if he can watch your study sessions, to see if he needs to lighten your workload just in case you’re pushing yourself too much.

You two allow him to watch, and he’s giving soft claps and smiles as the two of you give it your best.

Is honestly very happy with how much you two get along, and how you say it’s very simple since Buff Cat explains(meows) it in a very efficient manner.

He already knew Buff Cat was smart, but haha. Maybe he should hire Buff Cat to be a teacher or support class teacher for RAD?

Barbatos

You had grown accustomed to the devildom these past few months, and with Buff Cat with you, you were allowed to freely explore it when you want.

Buff Cat also happens to have a spare key to open the castle when he wishes.

Exam/testing season was coming up, and you knew you couldn’t study at the house of lamentation.

It was very distracting, and so you decided to go to the castle. No one will be screaming there, or trying to convince you your cat is a weird entity trying to plot world domination.

Barbatos was sort of used to seeing Buff Cat come and go as he pleases, but why were you here? Before he could say anything, you told him that you were visiting to study! And that you hope he didn’t mind that Buff Cat was going to tutor you.

Alright, so you’re studying, but why at the castle? You had to explain that it was very distracting at the house of lamentations, and Mammon was trying to convince you to get rid of your cat 24/7.

Ah, he could see that. Your cat isn’t exactly normal, and Mammon does occasionally scream like a girl. I promise I love Mammon. But it’s not like he minded, so long as you two were quiet and actually studied.

He left to clean for a bit, and when he returned to the guest room he saw you wearing a headband, violently writing down and muttering definitions at an insane pace. Buff Cat was in a teacher’s outfit, and holding out flash cards.

He’s slightly taken aback, but doesn’t show it anywhere on his face. He has never seen you so serious before, and neither has he seen Buff Cat so focused on you, as well.

He’s quite proud of you two for your hard work and dedication. He doesn’t interrupt but instead pours you three cups of tea, Buff Cat thanks him, and watches over you two.

Solomon

Solomon invited you over for a study session. He may be a little shady, but he does care for you, as a fellow human.

He was ecstatic to see Buff Cat come with you, because he still wants to dissect your cat.

He was about to talk to you about letting him research you cat, but you made yourself comfortable on his bed, and Buff Cat began to put on glasses and take out a pointer.

He didn’t have anytime to talk beforehand, as you were highlighting certain areas of your book, your cat pointing to certain parts, and you patted the bed beside you for Solomon to join.

Solomon’s plans to dissect your cat are set back another day, but he takes great interest in the way he teaches. Your cat is very methodical about how to remember things, and explains(meows) it rather simply.

He swears that your cat is not a normal human cat, but why can he sense literally zero magic power from it? If only Buff Cat could teach him that.

Solomon also gets 100% on the next test by remembering everything the way Buff Cat had taught you two.

Simeon

Absolutely chaotic man, when he sees you and Buff Cat in a classroom when school was over, he approached you two, and said hello.

You greeted him, and so did Buff Cat. He asked what you were doing after school so late, and that it was dangerous for the two of you. Buff Cat not so much but could still be in danger.

You told him you were studying for the upcoming test, and that Buff Cat was helping you.

Simeon was like!!! 💖👉👈💖💖💖💖🥰🥰🥺🥺 could I join?? This sounds so fun!! Buff Cat is so smart!!

He does not question the fact he’s studying with a cat, learning from a cat, or just how nice your cat can write on paper, like perfect handwriting.

He has such chaotic energy that he’s just like you, what a cute cat!

Luke

no.

just no.

he’s fine with your cat but does your cat have to be in buff form when you’re being taught?

he is happy you are getting good grades but please get him away from buff form buff cat.

#obey me #obey me swd #obey me hc #obey me shall we date #obey me headcanon #buff cat

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yakuzacasual · 4 years ago

Note

I look forward to your updates a little too much lol would you be down to write about daigo encountering a person who he was interested in when he was in his little fuckboy phase that didn't really give him much attention. They don't have to end up together, I just think it would be funny if he felt embarrassed of any advances he made now that he's chairman and realizes his phase was not the best haha (I hope im being clear if not you can ignore<3)

PREFACE

How does it feel to be living with a brain as big and powerful as yours, dear? Because this request is just.......... *smashes little fist against a wall* This is the true perfection. I don’t think I’ve ever heard an idea as maginificent as this one and I can imagine nothing that may top it anytime soon. Getting to write from the perspective of Daigo, especially the emo one, especially with a bit of retrospect, DAMN I AM LIVIN LIVES RN THIS IS WHAT I WAS MADE FOR.

Did I just impulse write the whole thing despite the fact that I was planning to go to bed early? Maybe. Do I regret my choice? *satisfied ape noises* Am I proud of it? Fuck yes.

Now, back to being serious. I sincerely love you for this one. Please, I beg thee, do come back and leave anot!her one some time. For now I hope you enjoy it as much as I did and have a fantastic day!

BABY BOSS DAIGO FACING HIS SHAMEFUL PAST

Back in the days of his brazen youth, Daigo used to catch the eyes of many sorts of people. His broody demeanor attracted mainly women, but he could also recall quite a few men from these times as well. Many of such memories are just a blur for him nowadays, replaced by forever vivid scenes of companions dying for his cause and the Tojo clan slowly but surely crumbling in his hands with each passing year. There is but one recollection that stayed forever clear throughout the years, safely tucked away in the depths of his mind.

It was a rainy night, one of those that he remembers happened way too many times that month, when he found himself piss drunk and mindlessly staggering through the many alleyways of Kamurocho. Bruised knuckles tucked away in the warmth of his absolutely ridiculous, puffy jacket, eyes barely focused on the road ahead of him. He tried to escape the flashing neon lights and unbearable buzz of the entertainment district, seeking solace within the dirty streets forgotten by the normal citizens and gods alike. It’s where the dark deeds take place and maybe that’s what he was looking for. Another fix to keep him amused, something that would wake him up inside again for however fleeting a moment he could get.

The details of how he ran into you are slightly fuzzy, albeit he likes to think that this slightly bloody visage of himself he still remembers seeing in the puddle was him kicking some asses. Not getting his own handed to him. In this state, he somehow finds you with his blurry eyesight. You sit on a park bench in what feels like the edge of the world, but is just a place slightly farther away from the ever beating heart of Kamurocho, covered by the shade of grandiose buildings falling apart at the seams. Maybe it’s a cig in your hand, maybe a bottle of whisky or maybe nothing at all - whatever it was that drove him to approach you was a suffocating feeling that you’re both somehow in deep shit. The features of your face are so detailed still. The shape of your lower lip, the frown of your brow and the way you looked at him as he took a place on the other side of the bench. He still remembers it all, somehow.

Surprisingly enough, there is not much to this story from that point onwards. Or so he has been trying to convince himself until that one fateful day, a very weird day. It’s just him running the usual Tojo errands when outside of the window of his limo he spots a face so familiar it causes him to instantly get a splitting headache right where he sits. You seem to even lock eyes with him through the darkened glass, as you calmly sip your beverage, enjoying the nice weather in the outside seat of a decent looking cafe. Under the guise of getting himself some well deserved coffee, Daigo slips away from his attendants and right into the other seat right opposite your own. The movement is not quite as smooth though. Just looking at his nervous stare you could tell he is out of his element.

Of course, you recognize him instantly. It would be hard not to, really. He may look better in a suit and the opinions on his slicked back hair may vary, but this is still most certainly him. The same square chin, the same tired lines visible on his face. Daigo Dojima has graced you with his presence. The clothes may make the man, but they won’t change who he was. And you? You know way too well who he was.

For him it does take a longer way to recognize you but he definitely does and, by gods, he immediately regrets it. That’s it. That’s the lost part of the puzzle he never wanted finished. The memories of days long gone, when he used to hit on you mercilessly after that one night in the park, when you showed him nothing beyond what would be expected from human compassion and yet he latched onto that like a poor puppy seeking validation in places, that could never offer what he needed. In retrospect he clearly sees in your eyes, both current and the ones he remembers, what his younger self did not understand at the time. Absolute and complete lack of interest. Which, considering who he is now, is quite impressive of you. Then again if he knew a chairman of a renowned yakuza family back when they were young and relentlessly pestering him for affection he did not have for them? Well, he can kind of guess he’d be much like yourself in this situation.

His blood may run cold, but his cheeks are flaring red as he remembers the god awful pickup lines he tried on you back then and how darn angry he was that not even his award-winning emo style that made ladies swoon at his feet had next to no effect on your, how he used to think about it, stone cold heart. In reality it was just you being reasonable and him being an absolute dumbass. He can even recall Kiryu giving him the biggest tonguelashing ever for how he used his influence in the Tojo clan to keep tabs on you for like a week. Now, he wishes Kiryu would be here to beat his sorry ass right back to the hospital, maybe cause a proper concussion to make him forget all this downright embarrassing stuff he has done as the most shameful person to ever exist on earth.

Daigo Dojima’s redemption arc starts now. He will make absolutely sure to somehow make it up to you, whatever you want of him. He is dead set on showing you the tremendous amount of growth he’s done since the last time you saw him. If it’s a restraining order you want, so be it. But if, by any chance, you do wish to get to know him better and let him redeem himself as the man he is now… Well, who knows. You may just gain the most powerful ally, a trusted friend or maybe even more.

#Ryu ga Gotoku #rgg x reader #yakuza #ryu ga gotoku x reader #rgg #yakuza 2 #yakuza kiwami 2 #yakuza 3 #yakuza 4 #yakuza 5 #yakuza 6 #yakuza x reader #yakuza imagines #daigo dojima #daigo x reader #Headcanon #imagine #request

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mimirexx · 4 years ago

Text

Im super duper late for the jeanpikuweek i feel so bad ;-; but i finally finished this work! I chose the promts AU, saving and alliance and tried to put it into a fic somehow! Since it got a little long i divided it into three chapters and will post one chapter each day 😌

Read it on AO3 or under the cut!

Breakout

An AU where Jean is a shifter and got caught by Zeke and his men. Beside the torture he was receiving, Pieck visits him and the two start to get closer. They want to escape together - but at what costs?

TW: torture, beating, rape (no explicit rape, not between Jean and Pieck!), blood, violence, angst

Chapter one - Chapter two - Chapter three

Deep down in a basement where no sunlight reached sat Jean, a man unfortunate enough to have been captured and imprisoned during a failed mission. He had long forgotten what day it was, spent too much time in the darkness to distinguish between day and night.

Heavy chains hung around his wrists, not allowing him to move more than a few feet away from the wall. There was a thin mattress on the ground where he slept and a shabby piece of cloth that couldn’t be called blanket in any possible way. The cell he was locked up in was small, the stone floor so cold.

They ripped off his clothes before they threw him inside, leaving him in nothing but his underwear, mainly to ensure he had no chance to hide any weapons whatsoever but Jean had a feeling it was also to humiliate him. He was on enemy territory, so of course they would use every opportunity to humiliate and torture him. Nevertheless, he never gave away any information. They could do whatever they wanted, Jean wouldn’t lose a word.

Whether it was beating him up, burning his skin or slicing off his limbs, the shifter remained silent. There was nothing that could make him betray his friends and comrades. Their safety was the top priority, he would be fine as long as they didn’t kill him- which he didn’t think was their intention. At least not until they knew what they wanted to know.

He’d be fine until then.

“Why the long face?” A male voice spoke up, standing in front of his cell. “Aren’t you happy to see me?”

Jean didn’t answer, instead just stared at the same spot on the wall he was staring at for hours. One would say there was something really interesting on it with how long and intensely Jean already stared at it. He was thinking deeply, thinking of a way to escape that cell.

Though, he had no idea where he was. Even if he made it out, he didn’t know where to go, which made him an easy target to get captured a second time and receive even worse treatment. The smartest move was to stay where he was and try to gain more information. Everything else would be suicide.

The male stepped into Jean’s cell, the sounds of his boots echoing as he approached the brunet. Only when he stood right in front of him did Jean look up and immediately received a kick in the stomach, making him groan.

Jean kept his volume as low as he could because he didn’t want to give anyone the satisfaction of hurting him. The man crouched down and turned Jean’s face towards him, his lips curled into a mischievous grin.

“My, my. You’re such a nuisance, you know?” He laughed. “Just tell us where your people are and you’re free. Are they really worth all this? I don’t think so, they aren’t even looking for you.”

The brunet looked up at the person that was Floch Forster, a man who betrayed the Survey Corps along with some others, and furrowed his brows in response. It could’ve been about a month already if Jean counted right and his chances of being rescued were shrinking with each passing day, but Jean wasn’t a person to lose hope. If his comrades didn’t come to help him out, he would find a way out by himself. Either worked fine.

“All of this could end right now,” Floch said while looking into Jean’s eyes. “You’re not who we are after. You don’t need to go through all this. If you tell me where the Commander is, I promise you will never have to see any of us again.”

“Fuck you.” Jean said very simply and spat into Floch’s face. “Different from you, I’m not a traitor.”

The redhead’s expression darkened at Jean’s action and his hand found its way around the other’s neck. “Hah, I just like being on the winning team. And I’ve been nice up until now but spitting at me? That’s intolerable.”

Before Jean had the chance to say much more, he was forcefully pressed down against the stone floor. Floch knelt down behind him and used his free hand to pull Jean’s underwear down.

“That needs to be punished, don’t you think?” He kept Jean pressed down against the ground and rubbed the tip of his member against his entrance.

Jean shivered in discomfort and cringed. That was about the most disgusting thing Floch could do, but not even that was enough to make Jean talk. He was convinced to keep quiet, especially in front of Floch.

“Just do what you have to do and leave me alone.” He muttered and closed his eyes. He wanted this to be over quick because any minute he spent without Floch around him was a minute well spent.

Floch didn’t need to be told twice.

Jean was left alone afterwards again and decided to lay on the mattress to spend the rest of the time there until he would fall asleep. It didn’t take long for him to do so and give his body and mind some rest.

When he woke up a few hours later, he was surprised to see that his blanket was draped over him. He blinked a couple of times before shrugging it off and looking around.

The second surprise was a person standing in his cell. After squinting a little, he saw that it was a very short person. The black hair gave it away and Jean slowly sat up. He winced a little, feeling sore, but managed to sit anyway.

“You look awful,” the ravenette hung up the torch on the wall and sat down in front of Jean.

“I’m sorry for not getting ready and greeting you properly,” Jean rolled his eyes.

Pieck giggled. “I forgive you, but only this once. Here, I brought you some stew. It’s still warm.” She carefully placed a tray in front of Jean as she said that.

He stared at the bowl of steaming stew and looked away. “I don’t want it,” he lied. The only things he got to eat were bread and sometimes an apple if he was lucky enough. Not that it affected him much, his titan powers allowed his endurance to grow stronger. He could stay weeks without food and would be fine if he wanted to. Not to mention that Pieck was the enemy.

A gorgeous, kind and caring enemy who brought him a little food whenever she came.

She was the only one who hadn’t made a wrong move on him yet. That didn’t earn her his full trust, however, he enjoyed her company. It was a nice change.

“It’s not poisoned or anything, look.” She scooped a spoonful of the stew and ate it, showing her empty mouth afterwards to prove her point. “It’s safe to eat and you need to eat something proper before you pass out or anything.”

“I’ll be fine,” he denied anyway and leaned his back against the wall. “Shifter and all.”

“I don’t care.” She lifted the bowl and filled the spoon with stew before holding it out for him. “Just eat it.”

“Will you tell me where we are if I eat it?”

“You know I can’t,” Pieck moved the spoon a little closer, “now open your mouth.”

Jean narrowed his eyes. He couldn’t deny that the stew smelled really good, and Pieck ate from it, it had to be safe. So he eventually opened his mouth and ate the spoonful, chewing it slowly while savoring the taste. It had vegetables and potatoes and even some meat. It’s been a while since he last had meat.

“...I can eat by myself.” He insisted and took the bowl and spoon from Pieck. It was a little embarrassing to be fed like a child.

Pieck let him and rested her hands on her lap. Her expression turned a little more serious, her brows furrowing. “What did Floch do?”

“The usual.” Jean replied nonchalantly.

“Can’t be, I don’t see any injuries…”

He paused to look up at her for a moment. “Healed. Not important.”

Pieck was quiet and lowered her gaze slightly. It seemed she put one and one together and didn’t need any further explanation.

As the cell fell into silence, Jean ate more of the stew, eating rather quickly so he would finish soon and avoid getting any of them in danger. But one question was on his mind.

“Why are you doing this?”

Pieck tilted her head. “Doing what?”

“Bringing me extra food and all… Is that your way of coaxing me to get information?” He raised a brow.

“Ouch, that’s not nice to hear. Although I understand why you think this way.” She shrugged and gave him a little smile, “that’s not my intention nor my job. I know we’re at war and that information is very precious but I do not like the way you’re being treated... You’re a human being just like the rest of us and I wouldn’t want one of my comrades to be treated like that if they were in a similar situation… So I’m trying to make it a little easier for you.”

Jean stared for a moment before he gave a nod and continued to eat. He wasn’t sure if Pieck’s words were genuine. She did sound like she meant what she said so, for the time being, he left it at that.

“Don’t you get in trouble for being here anyway? What if they find out you’re bringing me food?” Jean questioned next. Up until now, that was Pieck’s fourth or maybe fifth visit. She always brought him something small to eat. He did not want to draw any unnecessary attention.

“They won’t, it’s my turn to watch over the prisoners so I need to be here anyway.” She crossed her legs and leaned back against her palms. “And don’t worry about the food. I know what I’m doing.”

Jean was a little hesitant but nodded anyway. Nobody noticed that he was getting extra food or a chance to have a decent conversation with another person and he would rather keep it that way. “I see… I hope for you that this isn’t any kind of trick.”

“No way,” Pieck shook her head, “you’re too smart to play any tricks on. And I’m starting to like your company, so this is a win-win for both of us.”

“Mhm..”

The brunet was quick to finish the bowl and set it back down on the tray. “Thank you for the meal.”

Pieck smiled and leaned forward again. “You’re more than welcome. You know, talking with you is way more fun than talking with the others.”

“What, because I’m half naked?” He joked, making Pieck giggle.

“Of course not! Although I have to admit, that’s definitely a sight to behold,” she wiggled her eyebrows playfully.

Jean rolled his eyes and leaned back against the wall again. He couldn’t help the little smile from forming on his lips.

“What I meant,” she said, “talking with you, it feels so different. Makes me feel careless. It’s like talking to a good friend.”

“A friend, huh…” Jean repeated before shrugging. He missed his friends, they were all precious to him. What he would give to see one of them now... It’s been so long.

“Is there anything else I can get you for today?” Pieck spoke while taking the tray and standing up.

“How about the keys for these?” He lifted one hand, making the chains rattle. “And a map?”

Pieck smiled with sympathy and grabbed the torch. “Dummy. You have the keys and map to my heart, that’s the only ones I can give you. You know that.” She hummed and walked out of the cell, making sure to lock it behind herself before waving. “See ya.” And she disappeared in the dark.

Jean watched her leave and exhaled deeply. He already knew Pieck wouldn’t give him any of these but it was still worth a try. Even if only to humor himself.

It was after Pieck’s visits that Jean felt a little better. It was like she was restoring his energy so he could make it through another day or week. Talking with her was so calm and without any pressure, it was so easy.

He might not fully trust her but he still looked forward to the next time he would be able to have a chat with Pieck.

A few days or so later, Jean didn’t know how long it was, Zeke personally came down to his cell. He was in charge of these people and the whole mission, Jean learned. He was the one who suggested kidnapping one of the shifters to turn the tables. This far, it didn’t appear to benefit him much since Jean didn’t give away any information and the Survey Corps had yet to make a move towards them.

The brunet glanced up when the door of his cell was unlocked and the tall blond walked inside. Behind him stood a few other soldiers with rifles pointed at him. He stared at them before shifting his gaze up at Zeke.

“Jean Kirstein, am I right? I gotta say I’m quite impressed.” The blond stopped right in front of Jean and rubbed over his beard.

Jean just stared, the indifference obvious on his expression.

“You’ve been here for more than two weeks and haven’t lost a word. That’s quite exceptional.”

Just two weeks? It felt so much longer. But then again, Jean lost every sense of time he had. He couldn’t even tell if it was day or night at the moment.

Zeke hummed and tilted his head. “Aren’t you a smart man? You should know that your friends will not find you here, never. And you should also know that we will not stop searching for them. We’re at advantage. If you tell us where they are, we will let you leave. I will even prepare you a lunch bag for the way, how does that sound?”

“You don’t think I believe you would really let me go, do you?” Jean raised a brow before a sly grin came to his lips. “Kick and punch me all you want, tell your men to rape me as many times as your sick brain feels like. Do whatever pleases you. You’re not getting anything out of me.”

It was Zeke’s turn to stare. His eye twitched a little. He cleared his throat and nodded, “I see. Then we just need to continue trying out new things until we find something that works. Or until I’m sick of it and just feed you to someone.”

He waved two fingers, making one of the soldiers at the door enter the cell with something in his hands. Once he was close enough, Jean could see that it was some kind of bottle with a colorless liquid inside. At first glance, it looked like a bottle of water.

But Zeke wasn’t that innocent.

“Have you ever touched sulfuric acid?” He took the bottle and opened it, crouching down in front of Jean.

Well, that made him a little tense.

“Curious to know what this does to the skin?” Zeke’s glasses reflected the light of the nearby torch. The grin on his face didn’t make the situation any better.

Jean clenched his teeth and glared. “Tsk…”

“Where is your base?” Zeke questioned.

“I don’t know. Why don’t you climb some trees and search for it, Monkey?” Jean spat, unintimidated.

And that was when Zeke splashed a generous amount of the acid over Jean. It hit his face, stomach, arms and legs, causing Jean to cry out loudly. Every single drop of the acid burned in such a cruel way, turning his skin into a bright red mess with many blisters. It burned mercilessly through his flesh and Jean felt every drop of it having its effect on him.

He groaned and panted heavily, biting his lower lip in an attempt to stifle his noises. His body naturally began regenerating and steam rose to the ceiling. Jean looked at Zeke, shot him a look of disgust.

“Did that help your memory?” Zeke questioned with a dark expression. “Will you tell me now?”

Jean took a few deep breaths. Then he smirked. “H-hah? That only tick-tickled a bit... You-you gotta try better.”

The blond snarled and grabbed Jean’s face with one hand, shoving the bottle into his mouth with the other. “Then I’m sure you won’t mind this!” He tilted Jean’s head up so the liquid would run down his throat.

Jean tried moving his face away somehow while he tried to scream and felt how the acid burned his insides. From his air pipe down to his lung and guts. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling at all. In fact, that was the worst kind of pain he had ever experienced. It was a hundred times worse than just getting the acid on his skin.

It felt like he was melting from the inside, like he was decomposing while the acid devoured his organs and bones. He wanted to cough and throw up and breathe at the same time, wanted to get the acid out again. But chained up and held in place, he had no chance to defend himself. And for a split second, he was considering Zeke’s offer. The pain messed with his mind.

When Zeke finally pulled the bottle away because it was empty, Jean fell back and began wheezing. Breathing was almost impossible now and Jean was on the brink of passing out. Even though his body was regenerating itself, it would surely take a while and the pain was unbearable.

Zeke said something Jean didn’t hear. A few moments later, he did pass out and laid sprawled out across the floor. His mouth hung open, steam passing his lips with his body’s desperate attempt to heal itself.

This was rough. This Zeke was insane, a maniac, and he was sure he would get to experience even more of these psychotic torture methods in the next days.

But as crazy as Zeke might be, Jean was stubborn and strong. He just needed to hold on. And maybe he needed to find a way to escape earlier before all of this could cost him his life and pain wasn’t a pleasant feeling.

Jean groaned in discomfort and reached up a trembling hand to press it against his stomach. It already was much better from when the acid burned him but the soreness and irritation was still there. His body already healed most of the damage, Jean could tell, but it wasn’t fully done just yet.

His eyes blinked open tiredly to get a view of his surroundings. Still in the cell, still chained up. The only difference from the last time he was awake was that he was now laying on the mattress with the blanket over his body. There was something strange under his head too.

“Jean? Can you hear me?” He heard a tender voice by his side and turned his head slightly to look up at the person.

Upon seeing the worried expression on her face, Jean’s lips tugged into a tiny smile. “Your voice is… is soft like an angel’s... Not sure i-if I’m already dead…” He murmured and closed his eyes again.

“Oh, God… I’m so glad you finally woke up…” Pieck whispered, her hand coming up to run through Jean’s long hair.

“Don’t tell me... you were worried about the enemy. That’s.. That’s not how it works, Pieck.” He let out a small chuckle which ended in heavy coughing.

“Jean!” She exclaimed and turned him onto his side quickly, patting his back to help him ride out the cough. “Stop talking, you’re not in the condition to talk now. You need to rest so your body can focus on healing.”

Jean laid back once he got a grip of himself and let out a weak sigh. He glanced up at Pieck again and looked into her eyes. He wasn’t sure if he saw tears in them because he couldn’t focus too hard but it was easy to see that she was very sad.

“‘M fine,” he assured her and lifted his hand which Pieck took into her own. Her much smaller hands embraced his big one, squeezed him.

Pieck looked into his eyes and this time he saw rage in them, something he had never seen before. She always wore a smile on her face, so Jean never imagined how it’d look like if Pieck got angry. It was scary, in a way, to see her enraged, out of all people.

“You were unconscious for two days… Zeke went too far this time. He’s gotten so gruesome ever since all of this started, he’s not the person I once trusted anymore. I can’t trust someone who would go this far only for dumb information.” She stated, her voice loud enough for Jean to hear but still kept quiet.

“Jean.” She gave his hand another squeeze, “I’ll help you out of here. I thought Zeke was a good person- he’s clearly not. And I’m not gonna sit and watch how his actions will get worse from here on.”

Jean was silent for a moment, letting Pieck’s words process in his head. Surely, hearing that she would help him wasn’t what he expected, and he couldn’t tell if this was a trap or not. After what Zeke did, he had to be much more careful now.

“You just couldn’t resist my charm, could you?” He joked.

“Maybe that’s true too.” She reached one hand down and smoothed out Jean’s hair. “But I’m serious. You don’t deserve such treatment only because you're the ‘enemy’. I’ve made my decision.”

The brunet closed his eyes when he felt Pieck’s hand on his head. It’s been a while since he last received a tender touch and with Pieck it felt so right. He knew that it could be a trap but it was the most gorgeous and kindest trap ever.

For a moment, he wanted to believe Pieck’s words. Just for one moment.

When it was only him and her, Jean felt like everything was right. She always sounded so sincere and genuine and honest… always treated him as equal and even almost like a friend. Maybe that was how Pieck was and maybe she was honest about wanting to help him. This was a tough decision.

“Can you tell me where we are exactly?” He opened his eyes to look up at the ravenette, awaiting an answer from her.

Pieck gave a small nod. “We’re in an open area, about ten miles away from the nearest forest. They’ve spent weeks building this place to hold someone - preferably a shifter - captive. Right now, we’re underground. So if you planned to transform to leave, you’d have to get to the surface first or else you’ll be stuck in the ground. It’s too small.”

Her fingers entangled in his locks, giving him a few more strokes before she held Jean’s hand on her lap using both hands. “We’re pretty far away from any kind of civilization, so just running away won’t help, they’ll capture you again.” She explained, rubbing a thumb over Jean’s knuckles. “I would suggest going southwest, that’s where you can find the most people and hide until you know where to go.”

“I see.” He muttered and stared up at the ceiling in thought. If that was the case, he needed a plan to get out of the building and leave without anyone noticing to buy time. And he needed to be fully healed to be able to run that distance.

“I can sneak out the keys of your cuffs but I haven’t seen any kind of map here apart from the big one in Zeke’s room. I can’t give it to you but I will try to make a sketch of it for you from my memory.”

“Why?” Jean questioned, moving his gaze to her eyes. “Why are you doing all this for me? It can’t be only because Zeke poured acid over me. What’s the real reason behind all this?”

“...I don’t want Zeke to win. Not anymore. He’s my friend but his motives aren’t something I can agree on. If I can stop him or at least manipulate his plan somehow, I will.”

“What are his motives?” Jean was the one to squeeze her hand this time.

“...He wants to turn all subjects of Ymir infertile. He thinks that it’s better, that those who can turn into titans should no longer exist. He wants to rot them out and that’s wrong… but he won’t listen to anyone.”

“I see.” Jean said again and furrowed his brows a little. He didn’t only need to escape, they had to do something about Zeke and stop him. If his plan succeeded, it would be the worst outcome.

The brunet began pushing himself up into a sitting position, wincing a little when a particular move hurt too much. He exhaled carefully once he sat and glanced around the cell quietly.

While he looked around, he noticed that Pieck used her coat as a makeshift pillow for his head and couldn’t help but smile. Maybe she spoke the truth about wanting to help him out.

“Alright,” he looked up at Pieck, “will you be able to get me a sketch or something similar of the surroundings and this place by tomorrow? I’ll think of something to do against Zeke and his men.”

Pieck nodded. “I’ll do my best. And you don’t move around too much, your body needs to rest and heal.”

The brunet stared, a little deadpanned. He gave a short glance around the small cell, down to his cuffs and back up at Pieck. “Not like I have a choice?” He raised a brow in amusement.

“I meant it as in ‘don’t strain your body’.” She corrected.

Jean nodded quickly and held back a grin. “Oh, sure! I’ll just tell them not to beat me up too bad next time. Mhm, understood.”

“Jean!” Pieck pouted and gently slapped his arm. “You know what I meant, you big dummy.”

He let out a short chuckle. “I know, I’m just teasing you. By the way…” His voice became a bit more serious again, “what about you? I guess you will stay here?”

The ravenette gave a small shrug and looked around, scratching her head. “Not like I have a choice,” she repeated his words.

“Listen, if you really help me out of here and you really aren’t on Zeke’s side anymore…” he trailed off. “My people will understand. We can figure out something for you to stay with us, we could need someone intelligent and strong like you.”

“You expect your friends to welcome me with open arms after what I’ve done?” She tilted her head, brows furrowing.

“You were following orders.” Jean emphasized. “If what you’re saying about turning your back on Zeke is true, then I can talk with my people about this and we will figure out something. Whatever happens, I can assure you that you will not get this kind of treatment, even as one of Zeke’s soldiers.”

“Ah…” The ravenette looked down and scratched the back of her neck.

Jean reached out to touch her shoulder gently, making Pieck face him again. “I’m not telling you to make a decision right now. Zeke aside, I know you probably have close friends here. Just.. think about it and let me know once you made up your mind.” He offered.

Of course, it wouldn’t be that easy to just take her back with him, Jean knew that, but this place - and especially Zeke - were awful and someone this kindhearted like Pieck had nothing to do here. They could become really good friends if the circumstances were different, so Jean wanted her to go with him.

Not to mention that someone like Pieck would benefit them greatly. She was strong, she was smart. If Zeke lost her so suddenly, it’d be a big shock and a big disadvantage, that much was for sure.

Then again, only if what Pieck said was true.

Though, Pieck didn’t seem like the person who needed to lie to get what she wanted. Jean had a good feeling about it.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, try to get enough rest.” She reached up to take the hand that was on her shoulder and pulled it down. Giving his hand a few gentle pats, she soon stood up and grabbed her coat as well.

Jean watched her stand up and gave a firm nod. “Be careful.”

After she left, Jean carefully laid down again and closed his eyes, both to let his body do the work of regenerating and to think deeply. He needed to concentrate and think of a plan.

#jeanpikuweek #jeanpiku #jean kirschtein #pieck finger #floch forster #zeke jaeger #snk #shingeki no kyojin #aot #attack on titan #fanfic #my writing #i wasnt able to finish in time again but im happy i at least got something done #not 100% happy with it but it was now or never #plus jeanpiku needed some angsty stuff #aahh the first multi chapter fic i finish lmao #now its back to the old stuff oops

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ratplagues · 4 years ago

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🔥 any dishonored thing of ur choosing -deathoftheoutsider

wah okay!! i will talk a bit about the outsider and void then..i dont really wanna frame it as a Hot Take bc i have no interest in starting shit or whatever like ill interact with whatever i want to in this fandom and ignore the rest and everyone else is free to do the same but.

I do not think The Outsider is a “character” in the conventional sense, much less that it does his character or the allegory he wields any justice to be shipped with anyone in the series (at least without seriously considering the implications and framing it in a way that completes the allegory. more on this later)

the outsider and his void are an allegory for Otherness; i’m namely gonna frame it as queerness and neurodiversity, but really anything could fit as long as it’s about you feeling seen as a marginalized and othered person. he is written to represent this allegory, not to be a person with a satisfying narrative arc or dimensions. this is why some people feel that he lacks depth-- he’s not supposed to have depth compared to others in the series, he’s mostly a vehicle for what he represents, and is supposed to be easy to identify with or recognize.

he was born to a life of hardship, suffered at the hands of the rich and powerful, was ignored, cast out, etc. etc. a familiar story. poor, queer, nd, really whatever you wanna frame it as. he was a nobody outcast. in comes the envisioned, they pick him to serve as their martyr and idol without his permission. he then had his name cut away and forgotten, and was thrust onto a pedestal to spend the rest of eternity being worshipped by other outcasts who had suffered at the same hands he had. he has something greatly in common with those who worship him, including the very people who stripped his mortality from him in the first place, but because of this shared hardship (and nothing else), his own autonomous personhood was disregarded completely in favor of The Community needing someone Just Like Them to idolize. if this sounds familiar, that’s because it should!!

his humanity was taken from him, and in his place, an idol was created. his human body is frozen in stone in the center of the void-- retired. out of commission. no longer needed. he was immortalized, transcended. this is traditionally desired, although dishonored is trying to convince you that it is not actually desirable. in the age of internet content creation, you can be immortalized without even being present, without knowing about it. you become what you can do for other people, and what you cannot. people fall in love with an idea of you, the idea of you being like them, and other people come to hate you deeply without even knowing you. people came to hate the outsider more deeply than he ever had been when he was human-- he wasn’t seen when he was human. a pedestal only helps you to be seen. the outsider had the choice made for him to achieve immortality in exchange for the simple joys of being un-known.

he spends all of doto trying to convey this idea to billie through the hollows:

"There is freedom in being hated. There is license in being cast out. Some learn this lesson a little too well." "These people lay their thoughts, their petty wants, their murderous desires in front of me to witness. I cannot turn away." "We carry what was done to us through the rest of our endless days. No one asked if we wanted it." (i like this one. he speaks for the community-- this is a shared experience, one everyone can recognize. however, as a Queer Figure, he never asked for this. he never asked to be immortalized. i like the double meaning here)

not to mention, the entire extent of the outsider’s Sole ability and influence on the real world is to “choose” people and give them untold power over others. this is a fun ironic twist on what marginalized groups endure from powerful people, (dishonored is largely about power imbalances and socioeconomic hierarchies) but it’s also fun to think about in the context of the role model/fan framing-- so many worshippers give their lives to be “chosen” by him. it’s easily framed as an exaggeration of otherwise very real power imbalances and often the flagrant breaching of boundaries existing between creators and fans.

and on the subject of the VOID...ohht he void.....

the void should be a haven for queer folks. for nd folks. it’s wanted by so many to be a safe space, it should be, it’s the Other World! it’s renounced by the abbey, crusaded against, even. but it isn’t. it’s just this limitless, eons-old horizon that hungers and starves for something to fill it. if the outsider is the lament of queer idolatry, the void is the lament of queer Hunger. it is roaming, and restless. it does not belong to the outsider; the outsider cannot survive without it. it’s the desire to belong, not a place of belonging.

the void craves this idol, this outsider-- i, for one, have often experienced hunger for a truly moral and just role model, someone to make the world Right, and i know this is another shared feeling. those who worship the outsider, who drive themselves mad trying to see him or be chosen by him, are suffering from this idol hunger. you see this in a lot of queer and nd kids and young adults. i grew up just having my life and interests like, punctuated by different fixations on different people that i didn’t know at all, only fell in love with the idea of. it happens a lot.

there’s a couple more doto quotes that really highlight this for me:

"They carve my mark into the old bones bleached by the sun. They carve my mark into their skin. They learn true hunger in the Void." "All these charms, these runes and fetid offerings on shrines made for me, will be nothing more than objects worn of meaning. Bones and dead things, thrown into the dirt."

“They learn true hunger in the Void.” is something that i wanna touch on real quick. people can spend their lives obsessing over the idea of what they think the void will cure for them, will fix in their lives, only to find out that it’s just a hollow manifestation of the emptiness they’ve felt all their lives. it’s not the needs met, but the need itself. you have to make the home, it doesn’t already exist and you can’t fucking run to it. it is heartbreaking, frustrating, one of the bleakest messages i’ve ever encountered in a game, but i’ve never felt more seen. by submitting to these ideas, the idea of a perfect unhuman human and the idea of a perfect otherworldly home, you are surrendering your humanity. you’re not only being transformed by the powers gained (if they are gained), you’re essentially dissolving with hunger after never having these needs met. you see so many people in these games whittling themselves down to nothing but base need. empty apartments occupied only by shrines, sometimes containing their corpses. journals of people dedicating their lives to the worship of the outsider, always ending darkly. "I will find this empty place. Somehow the key to open the Void will fall into my hands. In time, I will learn the secret and he will call to me as he called to her."

not to mention The New Envisioned-- prolonged exposure to the void will always, without fail, turn a human into silver void stone. these creatures can no longer interact with or acknowledge the mortal world. they have surrendered themselves to hunger, and cannot be saved. this is celebrated by the cult, honored by them, even. i honestly like....i pity them, and i hate them, and i recognize that i’ve been those people, lmao. when i was at my worst as a teenager, i wasnt so much a person as i was just a shell full of hunger and heartbreak. my personality was defined by who i was a fan of. i think i definitely was Less Human then. the cult of the outsider is a universal experience!!

dishonored, at its core, is a celebration of humanity. it asks you to celebrate human emotion and weakness despite greed and bigotry. the powers are not to be wanted, they are to be ignored, refused. it is human to hunger, but it is Queer and Divergent to make hunger your life’s meaning, to need to learn the secret, find the key, be chosen and loved and cherished, to be made whole by some perfect thing. to find your humanity in something un-human. dishonored sees all that, mourns it with you, and then asks you to find humanity in each other !! love the spine of your lover, the blood draining down the docks, the pause to stretch languidly in the sun of a work day.

and finally...on the topic of outsider shipping....i dont think that, in his god form, it does him much justice to be shipped with anyone. he’s not much of a person, just a projection of his former self and a vehicle for his allegory as discussed-- im sure he could be shipped like this, but it just isn’t satisfying to me in any way. however, let’s talk a bit about his lethal and nonlethal ending. DOTO asks you to make a choice. is it better to give him an abrupt and merciful ending, after deciding that the fury he’s endured at the hands of others’ famine is too much trauma for any mortal to live with? or will you decide that it’s only fair to give him a chance to live the life he never got to, to return his humanity that was taken without his consent? if you choose to free him from the void, i think you can very very easily make the argument that he can be shipped with corvo, or anyone else that can easily be shipped w/ ppl. he’s finally free to live his life as a queer man, can explore the simple and complex joys of being human with other people, navigate the hills and valleys he never got to before. corvo’s just a nice pick bc 1) experienced human/inexperienced human is good, 2) they know each other, but they don’t. this is a good setup. 3) corvo is an older queer man and uhh you cant convince me otherwise lol! and older queer/younger queer is a self indulgence for me. also corvo is just nice. i think he would enjoy helping the outsider navigate his new humanity.

just some thoughts i have running through my head all hours of the day :) this is really long cuz its a combination of a lot of infodumps from discord lmfao

#m #doto #death of the outsider #dishonored #Anonymous #long post

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