#im cagey about it and i know i shouldnt but i like knowing my stuff is safe

[blackicekills]

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[mazzystargirl]

ok living up to pinned post w some true confessions/dark secrets… so basically after i tried to kms in 2021 fall and went to the hospital i entered a really intense slut era and like started impulsively spending money and stuff too and i didnt have a job so i was like oh omg having a sugar daddy would work out really well for me and also i wanted to do things that would be like damaging or whatever idk why i did it rly. but anyway i engaged in some sugar baby behaviors. and then that winter break i went home from school and met up w some of my friends who ive known since i was a kid. now i have to give a little bit of context here cuz its important. so i have these 3 friends, one of whom ive known since i was 3 years old (N) and the other two since i was like 7 (S and J). and we all live in a very tight knit neighborhood/cultural community where mostly everyone knows everyone. and so my 3 friends parents know my parents. i guess you can see where this is going… but anyway i told them i had a sugar daddy or like it came up in conversation idk. and that was that. then literally the following AUGUSTTTT my mom comes to me and is like oh so some people in the neighborhood have been saying that you’ve been engaging in risky behaviors with older men and that youve been meeting them in hotels. so obviously i denied it very emphatically and tried to pry out who tf she heard that from and honestly i was like what like who could have even spread that and she said J’s mom told her and was lowkey rly cagey about it bc she didnt want to “break her daughter’s trust” and had asked other aunties about the situation like wtfff… and then i remembered i had mentioned to them over winter break so she must have fucking told her mommmm. i decided to assume best intent and chose to believe she was worried abt me and thats why she told her mom so i messaged her like hi did u tell ur mom abt this and i appreciate ur concern but i would have appreciated it if maybe u came to me directly and checked on me it would have been better and u lowkey hurt my feelings cuz now im stressed and anxious and don’t know whos saying what abt me etc etc. and then…

she fucking LIEDDDDD she said she didnt say anything to her mom AND that her mom didnt say anything to my mom!?? which i know is fucking bullshitttt 😭 like it makes 0 sense like if no one said anything is my mom just pulling shit out of the air and if she was how would she land straight on the money like that it just doesnt add up. so i was like um ok ?? uh have a good day. and decided to let it go and i lowkey don’t speak to her anymore and i told N and S that im not speaking to her but they can hang out w her if they want. and i forgot abt it.

but now i just moved back home after finishing school and its lowkey been eating away at me. it hurts me that she was my friend for 13 years and its all up in flames and i never got any closure or an apology or even her to admit or acknowledge the situation?? it hurts me to be at home worried abt what people are saying or thinking about me. i know i shouldnt care but what other people think of me bothers me. im not ashamed of myself and my choices but i don’t want other people to think less of me. i don’t want to reach out to her bc what if she doesn’t care at all about the situation ??? i don’t want to be like this has been eating at me forever and it really hurt me and her to be like what r u talking about i don’t think about you at all. she also just got into med school and im happy for her for real like glad shes doing well its just like. she hurt my feelings really bad :(

anyway if you read this far… what should i do 🥲 is the only path forward trying to let go… tbh i think i just need someone to validate my feelings like am i right to be hurt or is it all my fault and should i beg for forgiveness 😭 like my friend N got coffee w her a couple weeks ago and brought it up to me twice what does that even meannnn

[unproduciblesmackdown]

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what movie/game/etc. helps you calm down?hmmm pretty much anything lol....i’m always in the mood to watch lotr & it takes so long it gives u plenty of time to simmer downdo you like to organize?im one of those ppl who has a real eternally messy personal space (even if i know where stuff is) but in other places will definitely organize stuff / love to sit down n sort some shitwhat animal would you keep as a pet, if you could?i’d say maybe a bird but honestly i think cats are perfect and me and them tend to get along greathow easy is it for you to be honest?mmm yknow both good and bad!! on the one hand i can be very very cagey abt things & just needlessly and automatically tell random white lies about shit that doesn’t matter either way...it’s a growing up w abuse thing. on another front, im often Cagey and Omit The Truth abt shit in my life to ppl i might deal with / know from In Person b/c its heavy shit like said abuse, depression, and recently just hot messness that i don’t want ppl to feel awkward / guilty abt or anything. like i had ppl i’d see in person every other month or so and just totally not let em know i was homeless. still on that juice!!! but also im fairly open Not In Person abt real shit and im pushing myself to be less cagey w ppl i know from irl too cuz honestly? i don’t need to be and who cares, i don’t care that i’m a hot mess & like if someones cool they shouldnt eitherearbuds or headphones?headphones!! i wear glasses which makes it a bit awkward and both options can be uncomfortable but i like over the ear better. and you can wear them to pretend you’re listening to something if u dont wanna talk to ppl! and wear them around your neck as an accessory!