#im autistic for other reasons also but this ones Real evident today

[ifihearanothercainnabeljokeistg]

"Am I really autistic?..... I don't think I really hate change..."

*has a meltdown after phone updates and the Gallery doesn't show all the albums I've organized in a very specific way unless I go into the settings and turn off the new setting of 'only show select albums' and try really hard not to throw the phone*

*hasn't opened Netflix since the icons updated and changed orientation on the screen*

*can't work in a different section of work unless I'm given 2-4 hours of reorganization in my brain to be able to be efficient*

*can't have anyone work on the same thing as me or else I get filled with rage cause they mess up the specific systems I have* *even though I don't tell them what it is*

[ocular-intercourse]

ugh, family update

made a thread on twitter and thought i might as well post something here, cause it does help me get stuff out of my head and heart when i write it down like that

so remember how my family wanted to have a meet-up so we could all talk about me being trans or rather transitioning in the future, that was today

and i had talks about the topic with most of them before, my younger older brother being the most supportive and understanding, my oldest brother generally not caring what i do as long as i am happy, but doubting if i’m not just looking for attention, and my parents just being worried i could regret things (mind you they probably have more problems with it, but thats the one they voiced) the general consensus being that they want me to be happy and if that’s something i have to do, i should do it. so far so good, could be much worse. it’s just..

i mean.. it’s already being hinted at in the reaction of my parents and my older brother, that they wonder if i’m really trans, or if i really need to transition, or if i’m not just making myself believe that for whatever reason, their theories reaching from ‘out of spite’ to just ‘a crapshoot at trying to find happiness’

but the whole thing just unearthed how they, mostly my oldest brother, my mother and my sister, do not believe i’m actually autistic (you know, because they know better than professionals or myself) and if i fake that, or falsely believe in that, then the same applies to me being trans too i guess

and my reaction to someone saying they don’t believe in my diagnosis is generally ‘then you don’t know what autism even is’ and thats the whole point. my oldest brother even agreed to that, but somehow still is sure i’m not autistic?? how does that even work? i got mad at that, and my sisters reaction was ‘see, you’re mad, you can’t be autistic’ which is absolute definite proof that she never even bothered to learn what aspergers even is. and they must know that?? that they never informed themselves, but somehow they also magically know that i can’t be autistic?? and i just really don’t know how they justify that conclusion in their minds? what are they basing it on? cause it’s certainly not medical or scientific fact. for whatever reason they just don’t WANT me to be autistic, they prefer to believe that i’m either delusional, lying to myself or to them, or that i’m just faking to avoid doing certain things, and that i just have to get over it or try harder, and i just don’t know where the benefit is in believing that?? why are they trying so hard to deny me this diagnosis? really what is the point? that i might realize they are right and magically all my symptoms will disappear? they are just hellbend on denying me the help that i need, the sense of reassurence the diagnosis gives you, knowing that you are not broken, that there is a reason for all the things that are so hard for you, for the chance that what? that i just force myself and start torturing myself till i’m maybe finally suddenly healed and it turns out it was all just imaginary or had other sources?

there where all this fun little nuggets in that discussion, from my brother finding it weird that i’m so informed about autism (which is supposed to mean i informed myself and am now using that to fake it, i guess?) to my dad saying me finding out i was autistic was a relief to me but it obviously didn’t make me happy in the long run (??? so now i’m clearly looking for a new strategy, transitioning, in hopes that maybe it will stick this time - even though i am not even unhappy but they don’t get that either), to the general ‘oh i have problems with that too, that’s normal’ that is completely missing the point of any chronic condition, and my mother’s ‘but i’ve seen you positively or even confidently interact with other humans before’ that’s just an other version of her ‘but you bought jewellery last month so i thought you were over that whole trans thing’.

i don’t know what the whole point was, for my brother to make that connection, from the talk about being trans to him saying he didn’t believe in my autism diagnosis which started this whole discussion. but somewhere along the line he said that this topic - of them not taking me seriously - obviously made me mad, and that that could be my motivation to want to transition, to show them how much i really mean it, instead of actually wanting to, that i’m in danger of just wanting to prove a point and just not being aware of it. 

and i hate this so much, this idea that i’m just not aware of the “real truth”, that i have no control or awareness of what i am doing or experiencing, that i am deceiving myself, willingly or subconsciously. and surely such things might happen, that someone is not aware of their true motivations and regrets doing something when they ‘come to their senses’ or whatever. but at this point they are assuming that is the case with everything i do. they are completely denying that i have any competence or self-awareness, and im not exactly sure why. to me it just sounds like they think i’m weak and lazy, trying to find ways to avoid things, that i just want attention, or maybe that i’m just too dumb to make the right decisions, or i just think it’s cool to pick weird things to identify with. and the whole time, when i tell them they don’t take me or my experiences seriously, they deny that that is their intention. where is the self-reflection there? what else are you doing please tell me. even if you are doing this under the umbrella of ‘just worrying about me’, the message remains: you have no idea what you are doing, but we do, your experiences are wrong, and you choose to see them this way to cover up what the real problem is, and then to avoid dealing with it like a functional human would, cause that would be work. (as if i’m somehow currently not working on my problems) at this point they are just doubting my intellect and my character, and worst of all they think i’m either not aware or in control of my actions in any way.

i don’t know what makes me the most frustrated about this, i feel desperate and absolutely powerless, i just cannot make them understand or believe in me or my words. i hate that they just assume i’m a liar, to myself or them, and there is nothing i can do to change or proof anything, because in the end they would just not take my attempts at that serious, again. i just feel utterly inferior, not at all because i am autistic or trans or asexual, just entirely because my word is apparently worth nothing.

with the trans thing i know, at least, that it is a passing thing, they will see, sooner or later, that i meant it, that i won’t regret anything. the autism thing is a whole other topic. last week i searched for some research papers and articles to send to my parents so they maybe gain a better understanding of what aspergers is, and how it shows itself in women. maybe i will send the articles to my siblings too. if they don’t care enough to look for information themselves, maybe they would read those. my therapist has also offered in the past, that i could bring my family to a session, so we could talk this through and maybe they will believe her, even if they continue to ignore the other professionals that made the diagnosis. i’m just afraid they would just latch onto anything the therapist might say that could in any way be construed as evidence against the diagnosis as definite proof that it is not true, cause thats what they’ve been doing till now, looking at a thing that might not fit, and deciding that’s enough to form an opinion. i will see my therapist this week and will talk to her about it. i’m just emotionally exhausted by this whole topic, i keep trying to find ways to indefinitely explain things, it’s just.. my siblings are very accomplished people, my oldest brother especially, being a chief resident neurosurgeon and all, and if they have come to a conclusion with their rightful confidence in their intellect, i believe it’s going to be hard for little old apparently not-accountable me to prove to them they are wrong, especially if they just want to hold on to the thought of ‘nothing’ being wrong with me for whatever benefit it gives them. 

they have no idea the amount of guilt i feel, not functioning properly, noone would choose this as an ‘easy way out’, being lazy or defiant, if there is also a way to just not be like this indefinitely. they also don’t understand how much the diagnosis has helped with this feeling, and with finding a way to excist in society without literally driving myself insane.

[cafeteriaoats]

my beloved and cherished mutual @bluish-brownish-greenish-eyes convinced me so. i wrote this in the bath❤️

ok if uve been following me on here for a bit u know that francis abernathy, pearl from su, wirt from otgw and eddie kaspbrak are my main kins so. let’s talk abt it

francis and pearl both have favorite people in my Humble Opinion (more on that later) so theyre mostly who im talking abt in the original post but u know what. im willing to reach so i’ll include my other 2 biggest kins too👉🏻👈🏻

francis aberbathy has a favorite person (charles) who he specifically attached to BECAUSE HE KNEW that he would hurt him (sound like anyone u might know???) . he tells richard that the only reason he’s willing to go on with the murders is for charles, and cmon, if u think the line “the minute ive managed to harden my heart he’ll turn around and be so sweet. i always fall for it. i dont know why” is spoken by a neurotypical u are SORELY mistaken. also, SPOILERS the fact that he paid for charles’ rehab??? even tho he hadn’t SPOKEN to him in YEARS???? bpd activity. unrelated to fp stuff, there is also a line that i will hunt down when i’m out of the bath about how whenever francis says something and doesnt get an immediate positive response he backpedals in a really annoying way and makes himself the victim to avoid rejection / disapproval which is 👉🏻👈🏻 me 2 king. anyways francis has bpd, henry is autistic, richard has adhd and if i get neurodivergency headcanons for the whole squad maybe i’ll even make a post w evidence so.. my nd donna stans...hmu

i used to kin pearl more in middle school and i’m like really behind in steven universe anyway but this ones just fucking logic and also pretty rampant in fan theories so. pearl projects upon rose quartz / chooses her as a favorite person to cope with feelings of not being good enough, and every relationship she has is measured up by how similar they are to rose. everything she does is to please her, even when she’s literally dead, and she needs stevens approval or else she feels totally worthless (i.e. strong in the real way) in conclusion do it for her is the most accurate way i know how to describe having a favorite person, for me at least, to someone who’s never experienced it, and also like. “it’s over isn’t it, why can’t i move on?” too loud bitch. im so embarrassed to be posting abt su in 2020 (i dont really like the recent seasons) but those emotions are so raw in the first few seasons its. oof

wirt is a bit of a reach as i kin him more on like a personality basis but he’s extremely sensitive to criticism (schooltown follies fight w beatrice anyone ?) and struggles w his identity as well (liking himself more in the unknown than he does irl) also, he’s a poet, and every good poet has bitch piss. duh

Edward Kaspbrak is my biggest kin but ironically i actually see the least bitch piss disorder symptoms in him, we’re just Traumatized In The Same Fashion (titsf). however, there’s something to be said for the mommy issues❤️

any questions? no? ok anyways time to go wash my hair and mope about my fp not being on the schoolwide zoom today

one day im gonna snap and post bulletpoint lists of reasons why every character i kin has bpd. then ull be sorry