#im also tired though and i shouldnt be studying this late it makes me more upset than usual but oh my god

[pcktknife]

learning a language is sooo fun until you start really not getting shit and u get so frustrated u wanna give up and throw out all ur progress

[t0shii]

hq boys when you're feeling anxious or stressed

suna rintaro, hinata shoyo, oikawa toru x gn!r

!warnings! mentions of anxiety, reader comparing themselves to others, mentions of food & hunger, driving. this is like all fluff no angst rlly tbh.

SUNA RINTARO.

he could tell something was up but conviced himself he shouldnt pry as he had already asked you twice if you were feeling alright, to which you reasurred him with a "yep" both times, it was suspicious but he thought maybe you just wanted to be left alone. meanwhile you weren't sure why you lied him, you obviously were not doing okay at the moment. currently he was driving you home and your anxiety was going absolutely crazy from the amount of school work that was piling up on you, it's unfair you thought to yourself, looking out the window. not only were you stressed from work but trying to keep up with your friend was hard, to say the least. they were phenomenal students, straight As in their transcript and though your grades were just fine, you couldn't help but feel inferior and insecure. it's unfair how effortlessly smart they are and how i'll never be able to catch up.... oh boy if your thoughts weren't running wild before they definitely were now, you hadn't even realized your boyfriend pulling into your driveway until he slightly tapped your shoulder. "are you sure you're alright? i don't wanna pressure you ofcourse but, you know you can tell me anything right?" ... and there were the water works! the little string holding you together had snapped just like that. you sat there in the passengers seat sobbing into your hands and suna rintaro hadn't a clue what to do in the moment.

"give me just a sec" you heard him mumble but not before he gave you a kiss as light as a feather on the top of your head. somehow you didn't notice him exit the car and rush to your side until he opened your door and hugged you so tight you honestly couldn't breathe. after a few seconds your boyfriend let go of the embrace which, to his dismay, only made you cry even harder. now, he knew he was known for being quite... stoic but he was definitely panicking on the inside and it was really difficult to remain calm on the outside. your boyfriend carefully reached over you to unbuckle the seatbelt that you had yet to unclasp. "lets go inside baby." his voice was so gentle it would've taken you by surprise had you not still been crying. you nodded in response and he helped you carefully out of the car, holding your hand all the way to the door, "d'ya have your key?" you nodded trying your best to unlock the door, after a few struggled and shakey attempts you finally had your door unlocked but not without rins help because he couldn't bare to watch you struggle any longer.

stepping inside rin helped you take your shoes off, removing his own after, "bedroom?" having calmed down a little you whispered "yes," with a small nod. he nodded with you in response and took you to your bedroom. after helping you change into comfy clothes he helped you into bed, crawling in right behind you. your back was snug against his chest and he held you super tightly, it was silent for a few minutes until finally he spoke up, "please tell me how i can help" you could feel your lip quiver. "well... you don't have to say anything right now, you know i can wait. i'll even leave if you want, i just wanted you to know that you can tell me whenever you're ready and that i'll listen." neither of you were sure when you'd be ready to admit what had gotten you so upset but you felt comfortable knowing suna rintaro would be there whenever you were ready, whether it be minutes from now or even months.

HINATA SHOYO.

your silence on the walk home was starting to concern him.. maybe im just talking too much... he thought, "hey... im sorry if im talking your ear off.. how was your day angel?" to say he was disappointed with your response would be an understatement. not thar you HAD to talk but usually you were talkative with him and the worry in his tummy was only growing more. a simple, "oh.. my day was alright sho," simply woundn't cut it! "hey, are you feeling okay?" it was silent for a few seconds before you answered a mumbled "i think so, are you feeling alright, sho?" he simply nodded with a "mhm" and you told him to continue on with his story from earlier.

he complied but only to fill the silence. hinata decided to trust you when you said you were okay because you know your own feelings and he knows for a fact he's made it clear before that you could and should let him know if something was bothering you. though you enjoyed listening to hinata's stories you only found yourself getting lost in your own mind whilst he rambled on.you could tell he was suspicious of your behavior but was grateful he had left his curiosity behind because you were sure you would snap if he had asked you if you were okay again, you really didn't want to cry in front of him. truth is, your thoughts were running wild, stressing over the smallest things; assignments due at the end of the week, what you were gonna get your boyfriend for your anniversary, how you were gonna make time for your friends surprise birthday party and helping sho with his studied all the while trying to take care of your own self and keep your own grades afloat. "y/n..? we're at your house.. are you sure your alright? you look a little pale, are you ill?" crap! how had you not noticed you were approaching your own driveway you wanted to slap yourself for being so clueless. you couldn't help but feel horrible for not listening to your boyfriends story also.

"yes sho i'm fine really, i just didn't have time to eat lunch today but i have food inside so don't worry m'may?" he looked at you suspiciously and you knew he was onto you, "y'know y/n, i'm not gonna force you to tell me what's going on but just know i'll always be here for you, okay?" he gave you a small smile before engulfing you into a tight hug, it honestly melted your heart. surprisingly, you didn't start crying on the spot. "y'know, i wanted to trust you when you said you were okay but now i'm not so sure if you were telling the truth," he mumbled into your shoulder. you sighed, giving up the facade. "sho.... i just don't know what to do honestly, i have alot on my plate right now and i'm really stressed with all the responsibilities ive piled onto myself," you admitted. he nodded lifting his head from your shoulder, giving you the brightest smile, "well, i can always help out! i might not be the mooost helpful person ever but i'll try my best, and if anything i'm good moral support!" you giggled at that but suddenly you felt your lip quiver from the sudden guilt you feeling, "i'm sorry for lying to you sho-", "hey! its alright! you dont need to apologize. especially dont need you crying on me now!" he smiled cupping your face in his hands, wiping away a few stray tears of whom managed to escape.

OIKAWA TORU.

you smile back at him and thought of how silly it was that you tried keeping your feelings a secret from your boyfriend of two years, hinata shoyo, feeling glad that you confided in him. he knew you were upset as soon as he saw you that very morning, he could read you like and open book and you knew that fact very well. still though, you tried your best to hide yourself from him, though it was hard considering you sitting right next to him in the passenger seat of his car. finally after a whole day of being worried sick, he was tired of leaving things left unsaid "babyyyy," he sang for you from the kitchen, "please come here a sec!" he yelled for you louder. soon you came trudging down the hallway, blanket wrapped around your body, he couldn't help but smile at how adorable his s/o looked.

"c'mere quickly," he said will a grin, opening his arms for a hug, which you gladly accept, wrapping your arms around his waist tightly. "now, i know you know that i know that you're not feeling well, so please tell me what's got my angel so upset?" he said softly rubbing his hand lightly over your back, his voice a little muffled from his cheek being squished against the top of your head. you let out a breath you hadn't even realized you were holding, "'m sorry tooru, i don't know what's wrong with me today.... just not feeling well." you felt him nod against your head in response, "well good thing your amazing boyfriend is here to make you feel all better huh?" you let a out small giggle at that. "you know you can tell me when you're feeling down right? you shouldn't keep things bottled up inside", "i know tooru... im sorry, i just dont really know wbat i'm feeling so down about though," you admitted shyly. "hey that's okay! there absolutely no need to apologize for that, here, look at me, angel," he tilts your face so you're looking up at him, his big soft hands holding your face, thumbs stroking your cheeks lightly, "i'm here whenever you figure it out, hell, even if you dont figure it out or there just isn't any reason at all. you know i'm always, always, always here. i promise you that, m'kay?" he finishes his little speech with a smile, smothering your face in kisses. you could only feel relieved, thankful and loved. because you knew that you would always have your soulmate, oikawa toru by your side.

( a/n ; ahh so im sorry if this has any spelling or grammatical errors it's sort of late as i'm writing this! and im too lazy to proof read.... also it might just all be word vomit and if it is im so sorry 😩 ++ i'm positive ive kept the reader gn throughout the whole thing but if there are slip-ups i promise i'll do better next time! i rlly wanted to write some hq boys when ur feeling anxious and beyond stressed because i have been MEGA struggling with my own anxiety lately, especially bc of school so i just needed to let my feelings go! anywhooo i hope everyone who reads this has an amazing day or night! ) p.s. im new to writing so be nice 2 me or whatever 😩🙄😌👍🏻

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jackalopey]

this is about ridiculous online discourse so theres your warning to not read it

but i am so fucking tired of grown adults thinking that theyre in the right for going out of their way to belittle and patronise children on the internet

does it matter if a 15 year old thinks your ship is creepy? like, seriously, why does that bother you? if you’ve been tagging it appropriately then the 15 year old shouldnt be seeing it in the first place, but also, if you dont like what someone’s saying you can block them

i don’t understand how people can reach their late 20s, early 30s or older and still not know how to maturely handle disagreements, but then, i guess it’s not that uncommon for adults to be insanely disrespectful towards children

not like the whole ‘discourse’ is actually ‘adults v minors’, anyway. it’s ridiculous that it gets characterised that way. there are adults who are ‘antis’ and kids who are ‘proship’ (which, you know is a whole issue itself, but let’s not get into it)

im not an ‘anti’ or a ‘proship’ because i think both labels are absolutely ridiculous and reductive, and if you make shipping discourse a major part of your identity and youre not a 15 year old im going to think youre fucking weird and want nothing to do with you, though id take being around an ‘anti’ any day

because, like, what impact is the anti really going to have on the real world? you can block them and move on. if it gets really bad you can turn off your anon or spend less time online. sure that sucks for you, and im not pro-harassment, but there are practical things you can do to limit how much of an impact it has on you

but rape culture is a thing that impacts every survivor, which is what’s being perpetuated when people romanticise sexual assault, csa, grooming or incest. i can’t get away from a society that thinks im to blame for my abuse, that im over-reacting being traumatised, or that abuse simply doesnt happen. i cant just turn my computer off and get away from it because its fucking everywhere

‘fiction doesn’t impact reality’ is absolute bullshit and if you’re an adult you must know that’s true. the simple fact that you’re writing or reading fic is evidence of fiction impacting reality. there have been countless sociological studies on the impact of fiction on how we think, propaganda is a thing, and fiction impacting reality is the entire reason why things like positive representation matters. or do you also think its fine for every fictional character to be a white cishet man?

to you, what you’re writing or reading about might ‘just’ be fiction, and you may not think that impacts your real life, but to me and many other survivors it reflects things that we’ve really experienced, and attitudes that we’ve seen

you write a fic where someone gets groomed, but the fic presents this as cute and romantic? yeah, well, that’s how my abuser wanted our relationship to be presented, too. you write a fic that involves an incestuous relationship, but hey it’s not a big deal because it’s not like they lived together, or it’s not like they had a big age gap, or it’s okay because they really care for each other? cool, that’s another justification that abusers use. you can’t separate these things from reality because these are real ideas that real abusers use to control their real victims

what’s a fun ‘taboo’ story to you is a lifetime of real trauma to someone else

this shit is why i don’t feel safe engaging with fandom. i love writing, i love discussing fandom with other people, and i’ve even started to enjoy drawing, but it feels like more trouble than it’s worth. do i really want to risk having an episode because some self-centered, patronising git thinks that pedophilia is actually super hot? hell fucking no

and like, i dont think either side is ‘right’, because it’s not like either side is one set ideology, it’s a bunch of different people all saying different things. but when the worst crime of one side is saying ‘thats a problematic heigh difference’ and the worst crime of the other side is saying ‘that 6 year old is sexy’, it’s really fucking easy to decide which one i’d rather deal with

(and yes i know im strawmanning both sides there, thats the point)

like god yall are so hostile towards survivors, and you either don’t know or don’t care, but i’m erring more towards the second one, because i bet not a single proshipper would ever be willing to actually listen

literally all i want is to be able to engage with fandom without having to see this fucked up discourse, but yall keep proving my point by refusing to tag shit

(and none of this is even getting into the way some of yall think youre above criticism. you want your fanwork to be respected but only when people are kissing your ass. cant take basic levels of social critique, throwing a tantrum if a 15 yr old doesnt want to see your porn)

[strawberryspeachy]

I wonder if im about to get fired again

Last year i got fired because a teacher who acted like he wanted to be my friend hated when I reciprocated that want.

Ive worked with about 55 other teachers since him and none of them

Ask about my weekend every week. Ask about my friends. Ask about my personal life. Stare at me in the office. Lean over me and touch me. Come look through my folder that im holding to just point out the paper im looking for (they just offer me a new one if they think i dont have it)

But. I was totally stalking him. And got fired.

Now im working at 2 schools

One with 4/5 horrible teachers

The other with 4/5 wonderful teachers

At the horrible teacher school one has been (and i dont say this about people often. Actually ever. I assume ppl hate me... but this woman has bee - well)

K so i made a newsletter for the schools. The good school put it out for the students and that was that. The bad school told me i could distribute it. So i asked this teacher where

She took me into the hallway and showed me a board. She told me to put the papers on those walls. And then she gave me pins. So i did.

Then she told my company i put papers up without permission

Ive worn the same clothes to all 7 schools ive worked at plus two camps. Never got a complaint. Until now. She complained about my skirt and socks

She said in a fly away statement when i started that because were teachers we cant travel because of corona and must stay home - it irriated me because i clearly understood that she was telling me that i need to stay home when im not working. Fuck that! But i just agreed with her. Her first question after my summer break was “you had a long vacation, did you go anywhere”

She asked in a happy voice - pretending that was wanted to hear about something exciting. But. Bitch i have a good memory. I told her i mostly stayed home and only went to a nearby town.

K so like. Thing is. She knows im probably lying (cause im young and not from this country. No one would stay home for a month) so the way she responded was kinda pissed off that she cant prove me wrong or report me or anything - then in the middle of class she asked about my housemates

1) i have no control over them

2) your first question was already invasive and this is stupid

3) youve asked me a question that i cant answer correctly. If i say i dont know youll say i might have corona because my housemates probably brought it home. If i say they went out - same thing. If i say they stayed home - another obvious lie. I told her that they are all students and had class so I think they were home. Again. She was annoyed by this answer

She constantly makes side remarks about “foregners”

She wont translate the questions that students ask her to ask me - and when i understand them and answer she acts flustered and annoyed

Shes bad at english and writes shit incorrectly - gives it to me to cold read - then gets mad when i trip over shit thats written incorrectly

She changed the song early last month because I liked it

She talks to me like im a clown hindering the class - walking over and telling me (a person standing quietly waiting for instruction) that now the students must study - the way a parent would tell a 7 year old not to bother the sleeping dog.

I TRIED to have a normal conversation with her because she seemed to be trying and i felt bad. She said it was hot and cold off and on and told me what temperature it would he the next day in celcius. I just said oh. And felt the tention. So i tried to ease it by chuckling and telling her “sorry. You know how america uses Fahrenheit? I dont really understand celcius.” She immediately —- wait hold on

This school makes us write down our temperature in the morning as though that does ANYTHING to stop corona - they dont even check - she harrassed me upon walking in the door to WRITE DOWN MY TEMPERATURE

—- k so no. No easy conversation. She immediately got serious and went how do you understand celcius for your body temperate then??? I told her i convert it.

A couple periods late she inturrupted another teacher talking to me about class and stopped me from going to class to ask me ‘if you dont know celcius how do you write your temperature down in the morning?!?’’ I told her i have a japanese thermometer and just write down what it says. Then she tried to play if off and chuckled like - oh ha i was just wondering. Whats the difference (her face was like enraged before that btw) she asked what the average temperature in Fahrenheit is and i quickly spit out 98.6 while grabbing my book to leave for the class i was now running late for

Shes full on feuding with a boy who “CANT SPEAK JAPANESE” and is “NOT JAPANESE” she tried not to bitch but also bitch about him to me - through this i learned that his mom is Australian. He was born in Japan. Also if her english didnt suck so much she would know that hes not fluent in english

She like the other teachers ask me questions that they dont want answers to. And sometimes is not even just - i wanna write this sentence wrong - does it make sense

No. It doesnt (correct answer- anything you write is correct. Dont worry. Dont ask me. Your perfect)

A couple weeks ago she told me that the song the other teacher chose is a japanese song that was translated into english. She asked it its gramattically correct. I told her that songs dont need to be grammatically correct so its fine. Then she asked me if it makes sense. I told her that its a bit vague but its fine.

She didnt know what vague meant. She asked me to write it down so she could look it up later. Not sure how she took that as an insult but Im sure she did.

And the song is vague. Id figured out that it was a song that was either written for a weird tv show or translated from something else before she even told me

Shes always late for class. She doesnt even leave for class until the bell rings. If she walks in and i was talking with the students - she looks highly uncomfortable - so ive stopped talking to them before she arrives

She wont let them ask me questions. Only her (these past two points go for the other crappy teachers too)

She cant make up her mind whether she wants me to say hello first or her. She cant make up her mind on what she wants me to read or whether she wants me to stop at commas or read full paragraphs or what - and she gets annoyed when i cant read her mind avout it —the others do this too

She reads sentences she wrote (incorrectly) out loud even more wrong - but apparently (going from her face) even though she doesnt know the word for fucking SENTENCES - and calls them “englishes” she heard me add the s to a word that should have been plural but she wrote as singular. She never says the fucking plurals or adds them where they shouldnt - but of course she heard my quick slip of adding an s onto a fucking word

- which really just shows thats she pays way more attention trying to find me doing something wrong than literally ANYTHING ELSE she does

Theres more. Im tired. And so very stressed. Tomorrow i have a meeting after school which i told my company rhat if they want my time they should pay me for it and told them theyre welcome to come to my schools (the one i like and normally can he stress free and get home early from) station

They made up bs as to why they can pay others but not me but did say theyre gonna come to the station

Last tome with the fucking “hanging stuff up without permission” i was of couse told i was in the wrong (BECAUSE JAPANESE CAN DO NO WRONG) and forced to say that i need to communicate better 3 times

Howd i start this? Watch me get fired? Yea i was fired on like the 23rd last year. Watch me get fucking fired again - for again. One racist ass peice of shit teacher

“Well you just gotta suck it up and accept where you are on the food chain” k look. Do you know how much easier and less stressed id be if i was able to do that?! I just. CANT ok. I refuse to think that i am less of a person than any other person. People can treat me that wat and do all they want. But i refuse to think that i am lesser. I am a person. And if i have to respect them they should respect me. Its a reciprocal fucking thing i cant fucking kiss ass

I lived in a house with a woman who wanted me to kiss her ass - and i basically chose not to be treated like a dormat and pike she was my lord. And thus got mentally and emptionally abused for 24 years.

I cant fucking kiss ass. I can be polite. But i cant kiss fucking ass dude. I just cant

[tmblogs]

March 11, 2017

I was uncontrollably happy today. I didn't sleep the night before, and handed in a crappy paper. This was due to the fact instead of doing the paper I listened to Anna's playlist for me, mine for her, and then the districts on repeat. I then wasted a couple hours on tumblr thinking about Anna. So yeah didn't get any of that shit done. The discussion in boogaard was better than usual as it was less factual, and more oppinion oriented. So despite me dying from exhaustion it was enjoyable. Ms. Wes was out so I just worked on the peer leader essays I was supposed to write the night before in c8. I really hope I get to be a peer leader, because freshman orientation was such a positive experience for me, and I just want to create that for people. Sohn was fine I worked on my essay more. Study hall came around and I sat with sean, and jennie which was a wierd group, but it was fine they played cards I did math homework. Anna stopped by, which was great, but my tiredness coupled with me not being prepared to see her made me just totally blank. I was trying to get my face to emote, but i was really fucking tired so i was a little wierd, but it was fun to see her. In lunch I went down the cafeteria, which is a rare occurence, and watched the flash mob, and it was so fucking akward, and cringy, but people clapped, and I died inside. Math I again just listened to anna's playlist. The same in gym but I also wrote my essay a bit, and worked out a bit. Clare is still fucking sick and it was snowing so i couldnt walk on the track so it was pretty boring. In english, ugh idfk man like I need to get in missing work and actually start doing shit because I am going to fail. I just need to get it together, but there is just a lot happening between the show, anna, and japanese like it's a little overwhelming dividing my time accordingly, but thankfully two of those things will be over in a week. Then in study hall my mom rushed to the school to sign the peer leader papers, because I was so fucking tired in the morning I totally forgot. After school I ran into anna, and we walked home, but I noticed jason wasnt there, and I was confused because she always walks with jason. So i started thinking she purposely left jason because of what I had said yesterday. Apparently she just forgot, but im still not sure because maybe she did remember like as we were leaving the school, and just decided not to say anything, because she didnt know how I would feel, but idk, I wish i knew what she was thinking at all moments of the day, but sadly that is not a thing I can do. The walk home was pleasant it took everything out of me to hide how fucking tired I was I mean I was dying but i tried to act energetic and like my brain was half working, but it was hard. Then it was wierd because I really wanted to keep walking with her so I just kept going, and missed all my turns, and then I askes myself how far are you going to walk with her? All the way to her house to the next stop, and then I was like she probably is thinking like hey wasnt that your turn and that I was wierd for just following her home, so then I decided to turn off, but i instsntly regreted that decision, and wished I had just kept going for a little longer, but like how much I had to leave at some point. Got home ate some food, a burrito, talked about plans for my birthday, I said I didnt want anything, because if they spend lots of money on me then they wont be as willing to let me spend lots of money, and i still need money but Ill probably get enough by this weekend, and then talk about it with my parents. Lol idk how they are gonna feel about the whole situation, but whatever. Slept for an hour and thirty, and was late to stage crew by thirty minutes. But goddamn was the show good. Just being there surrounded by people you love, and who love you, and just everything coming together to make something so beautiful it just made me so fucking happy, and I did that thing witb my hands where I shake then uncontrollably if im feeling mass amounts of joy and excitement, i mean that's how you nnow im really fucking happy. Anna went and picked up isabel, who is still mysterious and intimidating in my mind. Like holey fuck are people hype about her idk what to exoect if I ever actually meet her. OH MY GOD AND CASSIDY CAME, and it was so beautiful to see her again, and it felt like last year all over again, and I miss her sooooo much, and ugh it was great to see her if only briefly. If only gillian had come it would have been the og group me, gillian, cassidy, maura, and jimmy man, and sometimes alexis. Apparently gillian is being a real bitch though lately so. Ah man so many good times driving around for hours with them kind of sad that is all over. I remember one time we were out till like three am, and I was gillian and cassidy were piled atop me josh and jimmy, and alexis was in the front with maura, and awe man I miss that so much, but that's all over now and I accept that. Today it was maura and grace in the front me josh and leah in the back, and me and leah have become a lot more friendly I wonder if she still has grudge about what happened over the summer, and then ethan and amy in the back. Amy is wierd because I know she is a fake ass bitch, but also she is so fucking nice to me so like what am I supposed to do be mean to her? Like i cant be mean to someone if they dont first do some shit to me right, but idk the whole time we were together there was a thing in the back of mind saying like she hurt anna, and you shouldnt be nice to her, but like i didnt know what to do so i justed treated her like I always have. It was wierd to because I actually havent had a time were we hung out and it wasnt akward in like months so it was wierd going bsck to that. Of course josh brought vodka mixed with gatorsde, and we passed it around at ponzios, so first time I have drunk like sociably, didnt get drunk though only had a little bit. Then we gave liz the $1000 we raised for her and her family, she is a waitress at ponzios, I almost cried, amy and maura were crying, but i kept myself from doing so. Then on the ride back josh also decided to bring his vape pen so I tried that out for the first time to, and it was cool, tasted like strawberries so we all passed that around. At this point the car was filled with smoke, snd there were like seven or 8 people piled in, and of course we stop right behind a fucking police car for a good solid 2 mjnutes, so everyone fucking ducked in the trunk and like sat up straigjt and shit but nothing happened as always i was the first to be let out, which kind of bugged me but it was whatever, and yeah now im here and it is 12:48 am. So yeah

[kjtamuser]

Bride of the Water God Episode 5 Recap

Yoon So Ah (Shin Se Kyung) drives Lord Habaek (Nam Joo Hyuk) and his servant, Nam Soo Ri to a picnic spot. Lord Habaek notices the same man that spied on their shopping has followed them and parked. He watches the man loosen a bolt, put water on the engine and loosen the lug nuts on So Ah’s tires. He realizes the man is trying to hurt So Ah. He notices a CCTV.

Lord Habaek watches her dream and apologizes. So Ah wakes and asks what he’s sorry about. He changes the subject. He calls to Soo Ri that it’s time to leave. When they arrive at the car, Lord Habaek takes So Ah’s keys and gets behind the wheel. Irked, So Ah is forced to ride in the back seat. As the car drives away, the man watches them.

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Lord Habaek drives aggressively freaking out So Ah and Soo Ri. The brakes fall just as he knew they would. But when he tries to tap into his powers to stop the speeding car, nothing happens. Lord Habaek detours into a tunnel under construction. He sees the exit it blocked. He opens the sun roof and tells So Ah to follow him up as he goes on top of the roof. Needless to say, So Ah hesitates. Lord Habaek urges her to trust him. She does and it terrified when he tells her they must jump from the car. Lord Habaek swoops her up in his arms. He looks into her eyes and tells her that she belongs to him. Swoon! The water globe surrounds them. He holds her close. Swoon! They land on the ground. He stares into her eyes and asks if she’s okay. Swoon!

That was a yummy moment. Lord Habaek is drawn to So Ah. She in turn feels his pull. But they aren’t ready to admit it yet. He proports that she’s his servant, that’s why he cares. She doesn’t understand why she’s drawn to a man that claims to be god, a man she believes more and more. The cinematography was excellent too.

Soo Ri rushes to Lord Habaek thrilled that his powers have returned. He places a rock in Lord Habaek’s hand to test his powers. Lord Habaek drops the rock and declares his powers are gone. Soo Ri is bummed. Lord Habaek assures him his powers will return, he knows it. Lord Habaek tells So Ah that a man tampered with her car. She doesn’t believe him. He suggests the CCTV footage be reviewed.

The CCTV footage reveals the culprit, Park Sang Chul. While the police question him, Lord Habaek and So Ah look on from the 1-way window. The police officer states Sang Chul rear ended her. So Ah stares and recalls. She also remembers Sang Chul being negative to her on the street.  She recalls Nurse Yoo Sang Yoo repeatedly telling her that Sang Chul called her. The police officer that interrogated Sang Chul joins them. Sang Chul is claiming the rear end accident wrecked his life (points, fine, etc.). The officer can’t believe that Sang Chul claims So Ah is at fault. But wait there’s more, Sang Chul admitted to pushing So Ah from a rooftop!  Sang Chul declares So Ah isn’t human because she survived. Sang Chul declares Lord Habaek isn’t human either. The officers chuckle at the ludicrous statement.

As they walk home, Lord Habaek says all is well now that the culprit has been caught. He reminds her she hasn’t thanked him for saving her life…twice.

To that end, So Ah creates a partition and Lord Habaek soaks in the tub on the deck. Soo Ri recalls Lord Habaek spending all day in a bath in the other world. Lord Habaek tells So Ah he wants to try a bubble bath and he needs a new cell phone as his broke when he rescued her. Food and clothes are also added to her to-do list.

So Ah stands in the grocery store and can’t believe she’s shopping for Lord Habaek. She’s pleased to find discounted meat doesn’t look as fresh as the full price meat.

Flashback to Lord Habaek telling Soo Ri that the man that is stalking So Ah might be the ticket to getting his powers back when So Ah begs him to save her. Soo Ri chides Lord Habaek for using the situation to his advantage. Lord Habaek coolly informs Soo Ri he apologized to So Ah in advance. Recall Lord Habaek apologized to So Ah when she woke from her dream.

So Ah slaves over a hot stove. Turns out she’s not a good cook. She serves ramen to Lord Habaek who isn’t impressed.

So Ah shows Lord Habaek a cooking show with a male chef. She gushes over the male chef. Lord Habaek gets the hint and heads into the kitchen. He expertly wipes up a delicious multi course meal.  The relish the meal as they dine on the deck. Gallantly Lord Habaek cuts her meat. He offers a slice of apple and states it represents his apology. When So Ah asks what he’s apologizing for, Lord Habaek asks her a question she finds funny. She laughs. Soo Ri laughs. So Ah stares not comprehending what is funny. So Ah and Soo Ri get a case of the giggles.

Lovely scene on the deck. The camaraderie between the three of them is building. Soo Ri is growing on me. Can I say the cooking in the kitchen was part food porn, part chef porn? Joo Hyuk looked hot cooking and the food looked yummy too!

  Later on the deck So Ah worries that Sang Chul’s actions were a cry for help that she didn’t see. She wants to live her life only thinking about what she wants. Lord Habaek informs her that’s not the type of life fate has ordained for her. He advises her to follow her heart unless she wants to suffer as she has been. So Ah touches his shirt and thanks him for saving her and distracting her. They stare into each other’s eyes.

I’m digging their intensity. Not romance, but intensity.

CEO Shin Hoo Ye (Lim Ju-Hwan) takes a break from studying books of jokes. He looks at all his awards for business and muses if he could grasp comedy, life would be perfect. He recalls So Ah telling him they didn’t know each other well enough to joke with each other. Assistant Min calls and asks if he’s working late studying comedy. He suggests that dating might help and offers to fix him up. Hoo Ye asks him to get to point. An adjusted meeting and retrieval of the handkerchief from Shi Ja Ya are discussed.

As Ja Ya gets an ego boost from a chat room, Hoo Ye texts and asks for the return of his handkerchief. She gets miffed and gets a tirade response. But she accidently responds in the chat room, not directly to Hoo Ye. The rumors start flying that she likes Hoo Ye but he rejected her. She is horrified. Her manager calls her and complains about her actions.

Furious she goes to Hoo Ye and demands that he make everything right. She strides away. Assistant Min explains that Ja Ya is upset about rumors about “their relationship”. Ja Ya gets more irked with her managers calls and tells her not to argue publicly with her power CEO cousin. Ja Ya snaps that Hoo Ye isn’t her cousin. She takes his handkerchief and throws it on the ground.

Bi Ryeon finds Lady Moo Ra swimming in her pool. She’s not happy with the visit. Bi Ryeon says maybe it’s time they find the guy the high priest foretold. Moo Ra scoffs that Bi Ryeon shouldn’t believe in silly things like that. Bi Ryeon explains his strategy is to tell Lord Habaek that he’ll hand over his stone when Moo Ra hands over her. He advises her to say the same. She’s unimpressed with his plan. She hands him So Ah’s business card. Moo Ra says Lord Habaek is utilizing his servant So Ah. Moo Ra shares she doesn’t think So Ah knows Lord Habaek is a god.

So Ah isn’t happy to find herself in Lord Habaek’s room when she wakes. Lord Habaek coolly reminds her that she got drunk last night and crawled to his room to sleep it off. She’s further embarrassed when Soo Ri sees her leaving Lord Habaek’s room and asks if they slept together. She denies and dashes away.

Bi Ryeon calls Soo Ri surprising him and Lord Habaek. Bi Ryeon instructs Soo Ri to have Lord Habaek meet him. Lord Habaek realizes that Moo Ra found Bi Ryeon. Soo Ri worries about meeting with Bi Ryeon without Lord Habaek’s power intact, it could put So Ah in danger. So Ah overhears. She’s not happy when she realizes the car accident was a mechanism to get Lord Habaek’s powers back. She gives Lord Habaek a piece of her mind and storms away. Soo Ri goes after her. He explains Lord Habaek was sure he could save So Ah and get his powers back. So Ah doesn’t like being used. Lord Habaek tells Soo Ri it’s time to go. Soo Ri tells So Ah the sooner he and Lord Habaek return to the other world, the better for her and them. Soo Ri follows Lord Habaek out of the house.

So Ah decides to join Lord Habaek and Soo Ri to meet the god. She claims she’s going to get payment for all the money’s she’s spent for care and feeding.

When they arrive at Bi Ryeon’s building, they look at the modern high-rise building. So Ah spins a tale of once being pursued by the wealthy man who she rejected. The flashback reveals he left the country without telling her. When Bi Ryeon opens the door, So Ah stares in shock. He smiles. She faints. Inside Bi Ryeon murmurs his understanding why he was drawn to So Ah. He stares at Lord Habaek and states the god stones don’t disappear even though he has no powers. When So Ah stirs she sees Bi Ryeon and faints again. Lord Habaek tells Bi Ryeon to give him the stone. Bi Ryeon refuses. He does offer to reconsider if Moo Ra gives him her stone. When So Ah stirs she sees Bi Ryeon and faints again.

Bi Ryeon mocks Lord Habaek for his human hunger. Lord Habaek replies those pains make him stronger and able to be a better king. Lord Habaek stands to leave. Bi Ryeon tells Lord Habaek to leave So Ah with him. When Bi Ryeon goes to touch her, Lord Habaek intervenes with a steely stare.  Love it!

Soo Ri can’t believe Bi Ryeon’s bold refusal of Lord Habaek’s request. It appears without power, Lord Habaek cannot order Bi Ryeon to return the god stones. He’s between a rock and a hard place.

Lord Habaek has to piggy back Soo Ri out. In the elevator Soo Ri worries that neither Moo Ra or Bi Ryeon will return the god stones.

Assistant Min tells Hoo Ye if So Ah has signed his offer for her land. Hoo Ye doesn’t have the contract and isn’t surprised considering the land has been in her family for generations. He muses that So Ah has a soft hard which is why she asks tough to cover that fact. He believes this is why what she wants never happens because she’s living a façade. He shares that analyzing other’s feelings is his specialty. He plans to talk to So Ah soon.

When So Ah wakes she’s in her bed. She thinks over the events of the day and decides it must be dream.

Lord Habaek dispels that when he tells her Bi Ryeon said the diamond ring wasn’t an engagement ring, but a friendship ring. Ha! So Ah flashes back to hearing that Bi Ryeon gave 20 people that same ring in friendship. Lord Habaek repeats it was friendship not love. Ha! So Ah can’t believe this is happening to her.

So Ah can’t believe that Bi Ryeon is a god. Lord Habaek retorts that he comes from the goddess of love and enjoys chaos. So Ah simply can’t believe she’s had two gods in her life. Lord Habaek tells Soo Ri that So Ah has “lost it”. Ha! Soo Ri wonders if talking to Moo Ra or finding Joo Dong should be their next action.

Moo Ra keeps her meeting with Lord Habaek short. She refuses to hand over the stone. She does offer to reconsider if Bi Ryeon gives him her stone. She flees. She’s not happy to find Bi Ryeon in her car. She even further dismayed when he reminds her that she once used him to make Lord Habaek jealous.

So Ah tries to get a grip that Bi Ryeon is back in her life. Her nurse tells her Hoo Ye phone multiple times. So Ah calls Hoo Ye and apologizes for not reviewing the contract yet. He suggests they meet. She agrees.

Lord Habaek decides he need advice from So Ah on the mental states of Bi Ryeon and Moo Ra.

So Ah is startled when Bi Ryeon appears outside her office. He wants to catch up, especially now that he knows she’s the servant. So Ah tries to brush him off but he won’t listen. He forcibly puts her in his car and locks the doors. Lord Habaek and Soo Ri arrive just as he rounds the driver’s door. He smiles, waves, and gets into the car. Lord Habaek realizes something is wrong and takes off after Bi Ryeon. He floors it leaving Lord Habaek running after him. Bi Ryeon goes under the overpass Hoo Ye is walking over. Lord Habaek can’t catch up and stops gasping for breath. Hoo Ye looks at Lord Habaek and then proceed to where he assumes So Ah will be waiting for him.

Interesting that Bi Ryeon kidnapped So Ah. Lord Habaek sensed she was in danger. But this time, his powers didn’t return. It must have everything to do with if her life is in imminent danger. Lord Habaek and Hoo Ye are two ships that pass in the night. When will they realize who each other is?

Bi Ryeon drives faster (at a hyper speed) than So Ah can take. She’s not happy. He loves it. She tries to call someone. He tosses her phone out the window.

Hoo Ye waits in vain for So Ah. He calls but gets no answer.

When Bi Ryeon finally stops the car, he flies to the top of a bridge and taunts So Ah for her shabby life. When he jumps down he ask her to drink a red fluid that will make Lord Habaek forget about the god stones temporarily. He claims he has other things to attend to. He offers to compensate her handsomely including a new diamond friendship ring. So Ah can’t help but be drawn to his offer to make her rich. She takes the vial. Bi Ryeon smiles. Then she drops the vial and smashes it with her foot. She tells Bi Ryeon to handle his own problems. Bi Ryeon’s smile vanishes. He states as servant she must serve all the gods not only Lord Habaek. He says without Lord Habaek’s powers she be better to align herself with him. So Ah retorts that Lord Habaek’s powers are intermittent proving he is a god. That surprises Bi Ryeon.

Moo Ra is driving at the same hyper speed with Lord Habaek and Soo Ri in her car. She realizes that Lord Habaek may be adamant to catch up with Bi Ryeon because he cares for So Ah. Lord Habaek doesn’t refute her claim.

So Ah tells Bi Ryeon to take her home. He tells her he’ll need to confirm that Lord Habaek’s powers are intermittent. When Moo Ra, Lord Habaek and Soo Ri arrive, Bi Ryeon is all smiles. When Lord Habaek tells So Ah to come to him, she tires but with a wave of his hand Bi Ryeon pushes her backwards. The bridge under her starts to crack. Lord Habaek yells at him to stop. Moo Ra demands to know why Bi Ryeon is doing this. Bi Ryeon tells Lord Habaek if he demonstrates his powers, he’ll consider giving him the stone. Moo Ra is surprised by the intermittent powers claim.

Grinning Bi Ryeon snaps his fingers to amp the danger up for So Ah. Lord Habaek watches helpless without his powers. Soo Ri yells that it is against the rules to bully humans. Bi Ryeon counters that servants are exempt from this. Moo Ra tells Bi Ryeon to stop. Bi Ryeon counters that So Ah told him that if she’s in danger Lord Habaek’s powers return. He tells Lord Habaek the choice to save her is his. Lord Habaek stares, sneers, and declares the Bi Ryeon must have lost the god stones. That stops Bi Ryeon in his tracks. He stops using his powers on So Ah. Lord Habaek demands to know why he lost the god stones. Everyone stares at each other.

My Thoughts

Bi Ryeon reveals himself to be working against Lord Habaek. Smirking evil characters are standard in kdramas and Bi Ryeon was irking me. I was pleased when Lord Habaek realized the god stones were missing. That knocked the smug smirk off Bi Ryeon’s face. Does Lord Habaek realize that Moo Ra is in cahoots with Bi Ryeon?

Lord Habaek (Nam Joo Hyuk) had some swoonable moments. He may claim that he’s protecting So Ah but that’s only half the story. He’s also drawn to her and starting to care for her, something Moo Ra easily spotted as she drove them to meet Bi Ryeon. I enjoy a slow build of a relationship. I don’t need instant love or like. Lord Habaek won’t admit to more than cursory concern for his servant. He’s lying to himself. But is he also lying to protect So Ah from heartbreak? He did warn her not to fall for him.

Yoon So Ah (Shin Se Kyung) is surround by gods and it’s more than she could take. So Ah couldn’t believe it when Bi Ryeon turned about to be the diamond ring giving man from her past. My hats off to writer Jung and Writer Yoon for that clever tie between these characters. I was proud of So Ah for rejecting the vial of red fluid and Bi Ryeon’s offer of riches. So Ah has a power in this story even though she’s just “the servant”. I found Hoo Ye’s assessment that So Ah is living a façade very astute.

* Ranking the episodes (on a scale from 1-10) had me rank this episode as very good.  My episode ranking chart is below.

Bride of the Water God Episode 5 Recap Bride of the Water God Episode 5 Recap Yoon So Ah (Shin Se Kyung) drives Lord Habaek (Nam Joo Hyuk) and his servant, Nam Soo Ri to a picnic spot.