#im also not very emotionally invested in the talents

[anime-scarves]

Huh wasn't expecting Fauna to announce her graduation, especially not immediately after Chloe's. Definitely seems like the move towards more project and event focused content has come with a lot of extra work and friction with management.

[ellecdc]

babe I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT MEAN TO PRESSURE YOU BUT IM GOING FERAL WAITING FOR THE NEXT PART OF AMWAP CAN WE GET A LITTLE SNIPPET IF YOUVE WRITTEN SMTH 🥺

ALSO ALSO I LOVE ALL OF THE NEW WORKS YOUVE PUT OUT I WAS DEAD ON TUMBLR FOR LIKE THREE MONTHS AHHHHHHH YOURE SO CREATIVE AND TALENTED GOD BLESS YOU AHHH

Also can I see birdie 🥺

Ok I will say yes (to both) but then I’m gonna post a little AMWAP psa if that’s okay ❤️‍🩹

I am honestly so honoured and grateful that so many people have become as invested in AMWAP as they are - I think that’s honestly both the highest praise and the biggest goal for any writer on this app. I’m admittedly in a tight spot right now and am working through personal things, but this fic in particular has been bothering me for a while which is why it is on a temporary hiatus. It has been on hiatus for a while and will remain on hiatus until it’s complete.

As grateful as I am that everyone loves it so much, I haven’t been enjoying writing it lately which then concerns me when I have written something because I honestly cannot tell if it’s good - that being said, it causes me a lot of anxiety to receive asks about it because I’m horrified at the idea of disappointing you all (this isn’t about you, anon, I get asked about AMWAP a LOT) and it makes me want to trash the whole thing because I’d honestly rather not write it at all than ruin something beautiful that people love

So, I am working on it. I have it mapped out in my head, and I will eventually write it, but I ask if perhaps we can refrain from asking for updates/when i think i might post the next part because it honestly makes me nauseous

I feel like an absolute ass even setting this boundary and I really hope I don’t offend anyone - I’m struggling emotionally, August is a very hard month for me with a traumatic anniversary approaching, and there has been family drama for me recently with people popping up from my past, so please be patient with me

Thank you all for your understanding, and here is birdie as promised with her bandana of the day ❤️‍🩹

Thank you for your sweet words and praises, and thank you all for being here with me 🫶

[stupidrant]

Reflecting

Can you believe an entire year has passed? Even tho this year hasnt been too fast, it still kinda feels like the game just came out 😭 anyways… i just wanted to say that ragnarok has to be the first game ive gotten emotionally invested in a very long time. i love a game with story especially a good or simplistic one packed with alot of heartwarming moments and characters and ragnarok has alot of those 🥺 this is also the first gow game ive encountered and im excited for whatever else they have in store! this past year has been pretty crazy for gow fans and though i think there is valid criticism, this game gets ALOT of unnecessary hate and i think anyone who likes atreus/angrboda of any kind has suffered the most LMFAOO regardless tho, it hasnt been all that bad alot of good has happened and for that, Im grateful especially for the experience. To santa monica studios, the actors and other talents, i thank them alot! its been amazing  

[askinkiskarma]

I just read what Anon sent you about the Archer Storyline. I just finished reading it today, started in the morning and it took me a few good hours to finish.

You really did create a masterpiece, down the road I'll most probably read it again. Im a fast reader, but dont worry girl I read every word, I also just didn't want to get emotionally invested as I do with series. The way you write isn't too angsty? Its just very in depth with the essence of emotions, Pathos, and you ensure to write the characters feelings, what they are thinking and such. You're very detailed, but nothing is repetitive ! I love the dialogue too oml, it takes a lot to figure the speech of fictional characters so kudos to you ! I don't know what else to say 😭 I'm happy I finished it but im sad it had to end.

I wanna say you're amazing, talented, obviously got a great brain, good mindset and you seem like a lovely person ❣️ keep on doing your thang, I'm LOVING your drabbles too 👀 dont stop ✨✨🫶🏾

🥹🥹🥹 who needs to pack when I can just sit here and cry about how much I love you besties???

Thank you so so much, it’s honestly been incredible having so many new people read cardigan, I’m so happy you enjoyed it and didn’t find it too angsty!!

Also baby i’m not stopping anytime soon, the avatar brainrot is not going away ever it seems, i’m stuck here 😂😂💕

[icyfox17]

(buckets of sand) idk where that came from but i prolly submitted it bc it rolls nicely

anyway what's podfic? is that like an audiobook for fics?

yes!!!! ppl just record themselves reading fic and there can be varying levels of quality but this one ytber i listen to is REALLY talented and adds in special effects too like the sound of a door opening/shutting, footsteps, ocean sounds, gun shots, it's really cool!!!

idr which podfic i was referring to in this big oopsies but spritesy's also recorded some podfics for me eueueu they just read it aloud + add rain noises so it's very calming/comforting

10/10 recommend

i never used to be able to listen to stuff cause my brain would just . wander and stuff but idk man i think bc im so invested in fics it keeps my attention super well lmaooo. i also like listening to them while doing stuff, like the first time i listened to one i was sweeping the house. one of my fav things to do is just colour while listening to them nodders

when i was Suffering from my wisdom teeth the only thing that helped was a podfic actually, like my fam n stuff suggested watching a movie and i tried but my anxiety was too much, but listening to a podfic actually made me feel physically and emotionally better so that was really nice eueuue

[descensoparcialdeliris]

Alright, here it is @boysrunaway 💞💓. I really hope you like this.

Hold you for a million years.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear

And there is no one there to dry your tears

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love

Go to the ends of the Earth for you

To make you feel my love.

*****

It was almost midnight and they were holding tightly to each other. Finn had his head on Sam's shoulder and Sam's hands were connecting in Finn's back, hugging him. Their legs were intertwined in the sweetest but clingiest way possible. Inhaling and exhaling at the same rate, with their hearts beating in sync. It was the calm after the storm.

It all felt just right at that moment. Finn really could just be there for as long as he lived and not complain one bit. There, at that moment, where the only thing that mattered was each other's bodies covered in that yellow dim light, where the only thing they could hear was each other's breathing and that show they could not stop watching, where the only thing they could smell was each other's scent and where the only thing they could taste was each other's lips. At that moment, they were just them, every single piece of the world outside was non-existent.

"Jij en ik, 100%, voor altijd" Finn couldn't help but sigh, feeling Sander's words as his, holding even more tightly to Sam. Trying to tell him all that just by touching. Sam returned the hug, leaving also a sweet kiss on Finn's forehead. Finn would sometimes get so lost in his thoughts, thinking everything that happened was too good to be true and his way of getting back to reality was by touching, giving and receiving. Sam knew that, he had learned to read Finn's expressions and learned how to make him feel more at ease. "In elk universum" They both smiled at the tv screen. That sentence had a lot of power to them, relating so much to it.

It was always like this when one of them felt a little down. It had become now their thing, they would cuddle and watch that show every time any of them felt even just a little tired. No words needed, just the touch. This clip in specific was their cure, they would always fully release the tension on their bodies after hearing the short dialogue. Sometimes they would watch the rest of the show, other times they'd turn off the tv and fall asleep, or talk for a while. Most of the times, though, Finn would get his sketchbook and roughly sketch whatever he was feeling at the moment, just caring about portraying his emotions, more than how aesthetically pleasing the sketches would look. And Sam would be there, watching him draw, admiring him. Finn just loved to know Sam would be there to kiss every scar.

"You okay?" Sam whispered after he had sat up to turn off the tv, looking at Finn expectedly but with loving eyes, then changing positions and trying to find one comfortable enough for both of them. They had still their legs intertwined, but now they were facing each other, with their chests far apart and with their hands on each other, Finn had his on the side of Sam, while Sam's was going up and down the soft skin of Finn's arm, brushing his fingers ever so lightly, tracing now his little clown tattoo on the inside of his forearm.

Finn looked up at him, with his eyes fully open and smiling. "I am now" he replied, giving Sam a peck, getting closer to him and lowering his head a little. Now he had just his lover's locket on sight, he reached out to it, played with it a little, thinking about the story behind it and then opened it up. And there it was, the small version of one of the many paintings he had done for his boyfriend. It was a simple painting: two blue train seats with the sunlight sneaking through the window on the side. Finn had painted it one night, after hanging out, way before they knew they had feelings for each other, when they used to be just best friends. It was not the best day Finn had had and Sam had noticed it, so he put one earphone in Finn's ear and the other one in his, trying to make him feel at least just a little better. They were listening to music, singing, nothing out of the ordinary, but Finn had looked so lovely and baby with the sun shining on his face that Sam couldn't help but snap a picture of it. "Wacht, just keep looking at the sun" he remembered those words so vividly, like it had just been yesterday. And oh, it had been so tempting to him to just keep looking at Sam; so tempting to stay still, wait for Sam to ask him what was wrong and just tell him "I'm looking at the sun, you're my sun". But he didn't do it, so once he got home, he had to paint something not only to treasure that moment forever, but to free himself of what he was feeling.

Finn smiled a little bigger, remembering all those sweet times they had had even before they started dating. "What do you want to do now? Do you want to sleep?" Sam asked softly. Finn closed the locket and left it hanging on Sam's chest and looked up at him again. "I have completely lost any desire of sleeping, to be honest" Finn watched as a small and mysterious grin was growing on Sam's face and he furrowed his eyebrows, knowing he had something on mind but couldn't figure out what it was "Wha-"

"Alright, then, kom!" said Sam and jumped out of the bed, dragging him along.

"Wait, wait" Finn replied while laughing softly, confused by the sudden change of tone the whole situation had had. "What are you planning on doing?" he asked, curious but letting himself be dragged out of the bed, looking so lovely at Sam. God, he was so gone for him, he loved him so much. Sam just gave him one of his sweet smiles, the ones that made Finn's world stop and his stomach do silly things.

Sam positioned his boyfriend just behind the window. "Stay right here, I'll be right back" Finn felt a tender kiss on his shoulder and then the cold of his boyfriend's absence.

From where he was, he could see the moon, study it, feel its light on him like so many times before. He'd sketched to that light way too many times. For so long, the moon had just become his best friend, keeping him company when he couldn't get himself to sleep. When he'd felt so heavy, he'd think the space-time would distort just beneath him, he would feel the moon and the stars closer to him, so close that if he dared, he would be able to touch them. He'd feel so overwhelmed by the intense light he imagined to be striking him; but still wanting to reach out to it; feeling confused as well, how did the universe around him shine so bright when all he got was darkness inside? Thing is, he'd actually shine just as bright, but if he would've been able to see it, his eyes would've burned. Sam, on the other hand, was able if not to see it, to feel it. He knew Finn was worth everything.

And this time, right in front of his window, was different for Finn. He was not alone anymore, he was with the actual love of his life, hearing his movements behind, waiting for whatever he had on mind.  

It was just seconds later he started to hear the lyrics of that song they have sung each other many times before.

"I found a love, for me. Darling, just dive right in" Finn turned to face him, Sam was just a meter apart with one hand holding out "follow my lead" without any hesitation, Finn took it, with such a big stupid smile planted on his face and his heart pounding on his chest, following his boyfriend's lead, letting himself be swung by him. "I found a boy, beautiful and sweet".

"Oh, I never knew you were that someone waiting for me" Finn sang this time, his eyes shining so bright, they resembled a baby's eyes, so full of joy and love. Sam would never get tired of that face he gave him. Finn pulled Sam closer, not wanting to waste any other second far from him.

"'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love, not knowing what it was" they sang together this time, both just so amazingly lost in the song, drunk in the feeling, strayed in each other. Finn put his head in Sam's shoulder, once again and they began to slow dance. Sam's right hand was holding him by the back, while the other one was intertwined with Finn's left hand, their moves becoming more and more smooth with every second.

It felt like a dream, almost, slow dancing, with the moon so visible in the sky, that warm light hugging them, their shirtless bodies so up close and a little cliché song as background. They loved each other with so much intensity you could actually feel it in the air.

They danced to all the songs in the playlist, laughing constantly by the Disney songs that made them reenact the scenes, making silly faces and dance moves. 

"Hakuna Matata... What a wonderful phrase!" Sam recited in a high pitched tone, Finn couldn't help but roll his eyes, he was so done with that song. "Come on, you know you love it! It means no worries... For the rest of your days", Sam continued while starting to do so many stupid dances that got Finn laughing out loud, so sure that if his boyfriend kept going he was eventually going to fall. And it happened, Sam stumbled and fell on his knees, but couldn't even begin to care, he continued singing to the song.

Finn, on the other hand, was laughing at him, "You're such an idiot" he said but looking at him so fondly, feeling so amazed by how much he loved him, how much fun it was to be around him, how free he felt at moments like this. Sam looked at him still on his knees, smiling widely. He got up and quickly so closed to Finn "Oh, but I'm your idiot" he lamented jokingly as he pressed a soft kiss on Finn's lips, a short one, though. It was the kind of kiss Finn would never be satisfied with, so he cupped Sam's face, not letting their lips stay apart for more than a second, kissing him deeply but smiling through it. And, oh, every time they kissed felt like the fucking first time, Finn would feel a whole fucking zoo in his stomach; feel his heart pounding on his chest, pull Sam's hair and touch every part of his body. Again, to touch the reality of it all, to touch their love. He'd melt every time they kissed like this, needing Sam to hold him up, although they were both in the same bubble.

The world around them was fading away. Finn's hand in Sam's neck started going down and staying in his chest, right where he could feel his lover's heart beating. Meanwhile, Sam's hands were on Finn's waist, steadying him. It was so magical and powerful, every time they kissed they gave 'love' a whole new concept.

They continued dancing for so long, they lost track of time. Changing between slow and romantic songs to a little more energetic ones. Of course, Bowie had to be in the playlist, and whenever one of his songs started playing they would just do a whole performance of it, closing their eyes and singing loudly, as if they were on a concert with hundreds of fans singing along.

Some of the songs in it were from wtfock soundtrack, and to those ones, they would just chill, feeling so connected to them, to the story.

Dance Monkey started playing, making them break apart, stopping their slow dance from the song before and therefore, breaking their kiss. Both looked at each other, Finn's eyes were kind, warm but sleepy, while Sam's were loving but a little goofy, like he still had something in mind "They say dance for me, dance for me, dance for me, oh-oh-oh..." Sam sang and Finn made him spin on his place and then hugged him very tightly, holding him to never let go. It was just seconds later that Sam's intentions were revealed when he started tickling his boyfriend, wanting to hear his laugh one more time.

Finn tried to escape from it, laughing uncontrollably, walking backwards, trying to say whatever he could to get Sam to stop. But he wasn't going to stop, he kept going until Finn's feet hit the base of the bed, falling inevitably on it and with Sam falling right on top of him.

"Okay– okay!!" Finn tried to take Sam's hands off of him, his body shaking and his eyes shut, with tears starting to fall down from the pressure "Stop– my stomach is already starting to hurt!" he yelled one more time, choppy by the laugh taking over him, and Sam finally decided it was enough, he took his hand off of him and laid on his side, letting him catch his breath but laughing softly.

They stayed still, heavily breathing by the tiredness already hitting them, till the last seconds of the song they had forgotten about, the last one of the playlist. Finn landed his sleepy eyes on Sam's "Alright, I may be ready to sleep now" he said, with a tone ever so cute, so endearing and charming, looking at him with those baby eyes. Sam placed a hand on his face, holding him lightly, brushing his thumb tenderly on his cheek, giving him some eskimo kisses, too. "Yeah..." Sam took a deep breath and whispered "Me too".

"Let's go to sleep, engel" Finn chuckled and they quickly got under the covers, no cuddles yet, just facing each other just like before. Admiring each other's beauty, being so, so close and getting even more so, like magnets. They closed their eyes, but right before their lips met, Finn let out a sigh and murmured a soft "Thank you" as he stroked their noses and Sam opened his eyes to look at him.

"You don't have anything to thank me for, schat" Sam responded, cupping his face once again.

"No, I do, I just..." Finn opened his eyes, searching the right words to say "Thank you for making me feel this way... So loved and cared for. So... Safe" he said and felt those words in every part of his body, he really felt like that and needed Sam to understand the infinite love he had for him. He wanted to scream from the rooftops how madly in love he was with the boy just in front of him. He wanted to find a way to make Sam feel like he did every time they were together; wanted to find a way of really showing it to him. Because no matter how many times he said it, it always felt like it wasn't enough.

Sam smiled at him, so crazy over Finn's babyness and cuteness "You don't have to thank me for that" Finn opened his mouth to complain, but before he had a chance to do so Sam said "You don't" and raised Finn's chin with his index finger "Existing is everything you have to do to make me feel right" Finn couldn't do anything but melt and crash their lips together, putting his hand on his boyfriend's back and pushing him closer, kissing him so intensely.

They surrendered to the feeling. They kissed. They kissed as though nothing could fall. They kissed until they were too tired to even think.

But before they completely gave in to the darkness, Finn, slowly, as if he was tasting the words,  whispered "Ik hou van u" and searched for Sam's hand with his to interlock them. "Ik hou van u" Sam replied seconds after he pressed a small kiss on Finn's forehead "mijn kunstenaar" he said, lastly, with the words filled with adoration.

When they woke up, they were in exactly the same position. They woke up but stood so still, wanting to preserve that moment forever, feeling like time had stopped around them, feeling like the center of the universe, feeling so good. They could hear some birds singing outside and the relaxing way the other one breathed. They just knew how much they loved each other, felt it in their bodies... So much so, that they were sure they had to be together not only in this one, but in elk universum.

****

Fun facts?? i guess:

Sam is short for Samsíða which is Icelandic for 'parallel'. YES I KNOW IM CHEESY AF, but it just fitted so! well!

And yes, Finn, in this universe you have the clown tattoo I designed and that's on that, im sorry, i make the rules now.

[azure-cherie]

Pac : your next love partner ♡︎

Hii how are you doing, this pile would be focusing on your next love partner, take what resonates and leave the rest , likes , reblogs and feedbacks are really appreciated, enjoy 💖

Pile 1:

୨୧ ˻˳˯ₑ*॰¨̮୨୧ ˻˳˯ₑ*॰¨̮୨୧ ˻˳˯ₑ*॰¨̮୨୧ ˻˳˯ₑ*॰¨̮୨୧ ˻˳˯ₑ*॰¨̮୨୧ ˻˳˯ₑ*॰¨̮｡୨୧ ˻˳˯ₑ*॰¨̮

Your next love partner is someone emotionally intelligent, a friend a lover , they've been through a lot but because of this they have a kindled heart , could be into sports or swimming or something that requires body movement, they're a charmer , you will look at them and feel a tinge of excitement, although as soon as you start talking to them in a romantic way you will be all in , i think this relationship will last for a long time , they will teach you how to have fun in daily life , food/cafe dates with you , studying together, friends to lovers plotline , they're admire a lot , a lot of people look upto them because they have achieved something the others haven't, could be somewhat proud about their achievements, your person is dependable , reliable , could be too headstrong at times , values comfort and luxury in life , they will help in the re-establishment of peace in your life , a new pathway, you will heal with them , this is a connection written, i get something about healing with touch , they will be your safe space , you could talk about your family issues or how you feel about your goals and ambitions with them , they will always be a shoulder you can lean on .

Song : Salvatore by Lana del rey.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡

Pile 2:

୨୧ ˻˳˯ₑ*॰¨̮୨୧ ˻˳˯ₑ*॰¨̮୨୧ ˻˳˯ₑ*॰¨̮୨୧ ˻˳˯ₑ*॰¨̮୨୧ ˻˳˯ₑ*॰¨̮୨୧ ˻˳˯ₑ*॰¨̮｡୨୧ ˻˳˯ₑ*॰¨̮

Your next love partner is someone who is kinda chaotic or you could say artistic, they do a lot of things or have multiple sources of income, they light up the room , sunshine energy, life's been a little chaotic for them recently but they're dealing with it , they're very romantic and very much into showcasing their talents, they're kind of a dreamer so they need a grounded person , maybe that's why this union will be happening they will really like how intelligent and focused you are , they will learn so much from you , however their quick nature may turn into the relationship being short lived, you could meet this person through family, friends or in a social gathering, you will instantly see their beautiful energy radiating and really admire them , they will help you in awakening your intuition, feeling your emotions, healing your heart chakra , if you are to reach a goal of yours they will be cheering on you , they are your greatest supporter . However the relationship might have some issues about misunderstandings so make sure you clear them and not run away if you really want this to be a long term thing.

Song : Sweet Boi by Chevy

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡

Pile 3:

୨୧ ˻˳˯ₑ*॰¨̮୨୧ ˻˳˯ₑ*॰¨̮୨୧ ˻˳˯ₑ*॰¨̮୨୧ ˻˳˯ₑ*॰¨̮୨୧ ˻˳˯ₑ*॰¨̮୨୧ ˻˳˯ₑ*॰¨̮｡୨୧ ˻˳˯ₑ*॰¨̮

This pile has either been single for a long time or the person coming in is a person coming back into your life , probably an ex , a person you knew when you were younger , either you or this person had put their pursuits regarding romance away because you or they wanted to focus on your goals in life , the cause of this is could be a confusing, abusive relationship, mental pressure, psychological abuse , im so sorry for the person who went through this , it was really hard , something about backstabbing, criticism, this could be about the past relationship or the connection with you could also be this way , it feels like a cycle of karma tbh . However the relationship if it's healthy will feel like a wish fulfilment, as if you're in cloud 9 on top of the world , a relationship like the sun and the moon , are you into manifestation this person could be the one whom you have manifested, okay okay there's some real deal for some people, some of you might move together, invest in a company, power couple vibes , the sexual attraction is very strong as well. You're their inspiration ,their strength, their muse . They will spoil you , you won't feel the lack . The time period of the relationship depends on both of you however i sense a lifetime love for some.

Song : Exist for love by Aurora

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡

Thank you so much for reading 💖

[gobbluthbutagirl]

if i was smart i would use this time that i don’t have wifi to work on those scripts i started 3 years ago

[moo-nstone]

if you ever need proof that astrology is real.... my brother is a leo mercury. here’s a few fun facts about his communication style:

• he passionately discusses his point of view in a heated debate, talks in a way so fierce that suddenly everyone is shutting up to hear what he has to say. at the peak of the discussion, he drops an impossibly dramatic one-liner and leaves the room, shuts the door behind him in the most dramatic way possible and we are all left in a room silent with the tension he built. no one knows how to breathe for a second

• and when i say he has a knack for exiting discussions in the most theatrical way possible..... i mean that he does this CONSTANTLY. like this piece of shit cannot have a discussion without it ending up in him shutting a door behind him in a loud manner. im convinced he does this shit just to prove His Point

• he ALWAYS COMES BACK TO THE ROOM TWO MINUTES AFTER HIS DRAMATIC EXIT. he literally uses that gesture as a way to make sure his words are impactful and mark everyone and then, when the tension dissipates, he comes back and acts like nothing happened

• we constantly have fights about his ego, and he never once denies it. he’s like Yeah im arrogant but also deal with it

• he’s dumb loyal. no matter what me and my mother are fighting about, he will always, always insert himself in the conversation and defend me until his last breath. and he’s like this towards everything he cares about. if he likes an album, he won’t shut up about it until e everyone has listened to the album. if he has an opinion, he spends hours defending it. he doesn’t know the meaning of giving up

• i’m the only one who can tell when he’s lying, and i honestly feel bad for everyone who isn’t able to see past his bullshit because he’s a good liar. he exaggerates the fuck out of his stories, tells blatant lies that he swears are Scientific Facts, could (and would) probably bullshit his way into persuading a cheese-seller into believing cheese is a conspiracy theory

• you know when the donkey in shrek is travelling with him to far far away and he’s like “are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?” the whole trip? that’s my brother on the daily basis. i can count with my fingers the times when i’ve seen him low on energy, because this piece of shit is always acting like a hyper toddler

• his existence is anything but quiet. im not talking about words.... just the way he exists in general. he never wears headphones to listen to music when inside the house, he just grabs his column and blasts music at the higher volume until everyone is complaining. he starts singing when the house is silent. when he enters a room, you know, not just because of his energy but because he insists in saying hi to everyone. individually. his existence is just so loud and flamboyant and unapologetic

• would kill for me, would never share the middle part of the toast with me though

• very expressive expressions, if you do something he disapproves of you’ll know IMMEDIATELY by the look of disgust on his face

• the way he speaks is just so expressive in general. big adjectives, big opinions; i wonder if he feels casually about anything – because, name a subject and he feels strongly about it; he can and will debate you on why he’s right. his perspective of seeing life is like a matter of life or death to him.

• his debatably worst flaw is that he’s oftentimes unable to see things from others’ perspectives. he has the worst time with compromising and instead of learning from others when they express an opinion different to his, he retreats into his stubbornness and tries to convince them of why he’s right

• gives constant pep talks and advice.... that he most definitely DOESN’T preach. “do what i say, not what i do” kind of thing. he just really loves telling others they should fix their lives when his is an absolute mess

• “take a picture of me. no not like that, in this angle. i want the sunset hitting my face. how should i pose? make sure i look tall. should i smile or look intimidating?” i take 100 pictures of him, he likes one of them and posts it everywhere. after that i find him repeatedly observing said picture (which he posts with an awfully inspiring caption, by the way) and asking me how it looks every damn time.

• knows how to control the tone of his voice in a way that gets everyone listening to him, it’s a very instinctive talent that he has

• jack of all trades, master of none. LMFAO i swear he’s tried everything at least once; he’s gotten invested in songwriting, drawing, design, gaming, hacking, politics, criminology, physics and mathematics, composing. but he gets bored of shit really fast so it’s hard for him to pursue things for more than a month. but it’s so easy for him to get emotionally involved in things, he sees the potential in everything so once something draws his attention he’ll focus on it 100%

[cryptvokeeper]

I will say this the one difference between the homestuck fandom at its height and the dream smp fandom now is in the way they defend themselves. like how dream smp fans react to hate and how homestuck fans reacted to hate are very....different. Depending on the social media you use dream smp fans either very smug and weird or super over-analytically defensive. Like you say "____ sucks" and you either get a response of "dont hate us cuz you aint us sweetie 😘 *weird sparkly fancam of your fave*" or "Um actually here is a six page cited thesis on why this character is actually extremely interesting and the creator is brilliant and talented and good and all the reasons im deeply emotionally invested so you shouldn't make fun of me for this or you literally hate mentally ill people"

Meanwhile someone says "Homestuck sucks" and the response is just "yeah its trash" and a bunch of homestucks will share it. and im pretty sure like half the fandom unironically thinks Hussie sucks. Its an interesting difference.

not to mention the new movement that seems to have arisen of dream smp fans trying to be unobtrusive because people on twitter complain that stuff trends too much and say that its taking attention away from more important social issues (because clearly you cannot care about important things and also have fun) and like trying to prevent things from trending by censoring creators' names so they won't show up in searches and scrambling to change '[character] appreciation day' so that it won't be too annoying for outsiders.

And like, I cant even say its bad cuz yknow, being considerate of other people is a good quality. Its just such a departure from homestuck who consistently crashed websites and trended here on Tumblr and dragged other fandoms into their aus and tags (I literally used to play a game with myself when I scrolled through fandom tags of 'how long until I see a homestuck au?') with zero hesitation. Homestucks wore that stuff like a badge of honor. 'we broke new grounds' was a brag. 'heatwaves broke ao3' feels more like a sheepish admission.

[foryouthegays]

hi! this is gonna sound SUPER uneducated, because on this subject, I am!! everyone i follow on tumblr, and I mean like everyone, has been posting about some smp or something lately? idk it seems to be a group of youtube folks? and i wanna get into it so i can understand my dash, but i don't know where to start or who's even involved. kinda like with the mcu, but thats besides the point. help? please? -bluebell

sure! so im not sure if your talking about dream smp or the new smp (cog smp?) so ill “briefly” talk about both under the cut. also a bit about hermitcraft bc i think people should watch hermitcraft

DREAM SMP:

dream smp is....a lot. it started with a few of Dreams friends making a survival world, continued into a hamilton roleplay, and is now....corrupt government ran by a traumatized 16 year old whos best friend is thought dead but is actually in hiding with a war criminal? its a lot of fun. to start, id suggest following one character primarily. I watch Technoblade (the war criminal) and Philza (war criminals friend and also kinda a criminal? idk hes just vibin), but you should just bounce around streams to find who you like. the most popular streamers on the smp are probably Tommyinnit, Tubbo_, Wilbur Soot, and itsFundy, but there are a TON to watch.

also, dont stress out about missing streams!! because of how many streamers are involved, there is almost constant content, so it really is a community effort to know what happens in streams. As someone who only watches technos streams, and rarely catches Philzas, i have a very small amount of knowledge gained directly from the streams, and most of it is from liveblogs and recap posts here on tumblr!

also also, don’t worry about not knowing the lore. the wiki (https://dreamteam.fandom.com/wiki/Dream_SMP) is extremely detailed, but its hard to know everything. you can start by watching recap videos (tommy and wilbur both post highlight videos on youtube) or you can jump in with streams, either is fine and as long as you’re having fun, you’re doing it right!!

OH and dont get too emotionally invested. like, not not emotionally invested, but if something gets to be too much, take a break and watch something or someone else. a lot of people had to stop watching tommys exile arc, which involved a lot of manipulation by c!dream (that means character dream, not the actual dream) and quite a few self destructive intentions by c!tommy, and so many people tag that arc as #exile arc. 

uhhhh id suggest starting with techno because,,,,i love him. his ‘past livestreams’ playlist on Youtube has all his dream smp streams, and he has a few videos about whats happened. ive been doing liveblog posts of alllll his streams with timestamps so if u want me to link those,,,,feel free to ask

some selling points: more queer relationships than straight relationships, because why not. one of the characters had a sexual relationship with a fish, had a fox son, and that character (who is now a ghost) is now in a relationship with a blue sheep named friend. the ghosts father had him with a samsung smart fridge. one of the characters has taken over the world with the fridge fucker, and was in retirement before forcefully taken to an execution where he escaped death and then found a raccoon boy in his basement eating his gapples (golden apples). also the raccoon boys music discs are basically what started the entire plot. 

COG SMP: a modded smp created by Ranboo, Fundy, Tubbo, 5uppp, and Awesamdude!! it was started today and it looks to be pretty chill :D

ALSO IF UR TALKING ABOUT HERMITCRAFT: 

hermitcraft is a multiplayer survival whitelisted server with several people. its currently on its 7th season and focuses mostly on building and redstone, but does include roleplaying aspects. the hermits are incredibly talented, and i use it to relax after freaking out over dream smp!! content is primarily in the form of edited videos, but people do stream, especially on ‘hermitcraft stream weekends,’ where theres pretty much always someone streaming for a specific amount of time. i really like Grian, Joehills, and mumbo!! its a lot of fun and i highly recommend it 

[telli1206]

(1/2?) Never not gonna take the opportunity to compliment one of my favourite writers (and people) to exist. 😘♥️ SO, Telli… what do I love about your writing, let me count the Everything. I swear on all that is holy, you have to be the only person on earth who could make me love Doug even for five minutes, which is a talent in and of itself lmao. Before I read TWD….. could not have possibly imagined a reality in which Doug and Carlos being friends would be super cute, actually. But here we are! I am forced to contend with this reality thanks to your powers of fix-it characterization. ;)

Anyway, now that I got that off my chest jkldjlakjlkgsd…. you knowwww I adore your Jaylos, but of course I’m going to tell you that a million more times anyway. Your Jaylos fluff is alwayssss gonna be at the top of my list when I’m seeking a comfort fic at 3 AM. I feel like your writing just exudes warmth, if that makes sense. And well, you are a warm person (very much so 💕), but it’s something I felt from your writing before we actually talked, so… hmm, I think maybe that’s just a part of you that slips into your work, since IME the essence of a person is always visible through their writing. It’s kind of difficult to articulate ‘cause it’s more *felt* than anything else, but… warm, yes. That’s how I’d describe it. 🥰

With regards to the more technical side of things, some characteristics of your writing that always impress me are, 1) how gracefully you handle a large cast of characters, as with TWD; you give Jaylos and Malvie the sense of importance they deserve without sacrificing the other dynamics and I really admire that because I *know* how hard it is to pull that off and you make it *look* so easy and feel so real and natural, which goes into, 2) which is that your writing is so immersive because literally everything is so realistic but not the sense of… Reality 2.0, if you will? Like…. actual reality can be boring sometimes, but you know how media realism never has a dull moment when it’s done well and idk, that’s just your writing for me… TWD feels like it could be an *actual* wedding event IRL, and that brings us to 3) which is that you render such powerful and believable emotions, it’s impossible not to feel invested in what the characters are experiencing. I really, REALLY appreciate that in writing because my attention deficit ass cannot cope with an emotionally dry narrative. I need to be able to lean all the way in to what the characters are feeling or I’m gonna get bored in 2 seconds and your writing neverrrr fails to give me that kind of an anchor.

Sparrow!!! I can’t even handle all these beautiful words 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

Thank you so much for this, I can’t even think of the words to express my gratitude always for your support and love through any and all of my attempts to write. I’m so happy I have you here to reassure me through all of my many critical moments - you know just what to say to make me feel better 💖🥰 Thank you again and again for all of your beautiful, amazing comments and words about my writing, I love them all SO MUCH 💖💖💖💖💖

And thank you too for sharing my passion for all thing Jaylos! It’s so fun chatting story ideas and sharing sneak peeks and just having Jaylos-centric convos with you, it’s really where most of my motivation and inspiration comes from. I don’t know where my writing would be without you, you’ve helped push me through so many moments of doubt or uncertainty about my fics, but I know for sure I would not have as much content posted without you to keep me going!

And a final THANK YOU for being one of my very favorite Jaylos writers, and for so many beautiful fics that I love to read over and over again! You know I’ve gone back to No Song to re-read the new chapter I don’t even know how many times at this point, along with Djinn!Jay, Drunk!Carlos and many, many more. Your writing is so flowery and poetic and descriptive and beautiful - it’s purely unique to you and SO, SO good! No one in this fandom can paint the pretty pictures that you do in my mind with your words...not to mention the pretty pictures you actually create as well! You are the total package, an artist with your words AND drawings, and I know I’m not the only one if this fandom that is in complete AWE of your talents 🤩🤩🤩

And on top of ALL OF THAT, you’re also just hte sweetest, kindest, most loving and genuine person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. Despite going through the loss of your beautiful little Jasper this year, you try so hard to put everyone here first, and make sure we’re feeling loved and supported even when you are going through your own things. I hope you feel like you’re getting the same love and support back from us, because I’m not the only one that wants to make sure that the glowing LIGHT that is SPARROW is always shining bright in this fandom, and that you’re feeling nothing but the love and appreciation that you deserve.

I’ll leave it at that for now, because I know I have another comment from you to respond to where I’ll add more love, but just...THANK YOU. And I LOVE YOU SPARROW 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

[mrfunnybone]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; MUN & MUSE - MEME.

FILL OUT & REPOST ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm. TAGGED BY: Stolen from @battleshell TAGGING: @ladydreemurr @wdvoided @puzzlebones @flametendingbartender, @the-judge-of-bones @witchandateashop, and @bravest

MY MUSE IS:   CANON / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. [Some would say overly so.]

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. [ somehow...yes? Apparently?]

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. [ Yes. Most players agree that Sans fight is one of the toughest in the game, and the Gaster Blasters do pack a punch.]

Are they underrated?  YES / NO / IDK. [ Underrated? Certainly not. Overrated? Hmm..]

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO [Hot take, but as of now, there are no CANON facts 100% supporting the idea that Sans was tied to main story plot elements. If you took him out, the actual story wouldn’t change much, you would just go straight to Asgore’s fight. ]

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. [ Sans is one of the main monsters that the MC interacts with, and acts as the Judge near the end of the game, which reveals a lot of unknown information to the MC.]

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO. [ The scene in Grillby’s seems to suggest that, at least in Snowdin, Sans is well-known and well-liked.]

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. [ While fellow Grillby customers and a few other Snowdin residents seem to like him, he’s also seen to irritate other characters with his laziness, bad jokes, or shenanigans. Even Undyne admits that she’d fire him, but he always manages to do the bare minimum to avoid it being justified.]

HOW STRICTLY DO YOU FOLLOW CANON?  — I do! Though I also offer my own spin on San’s backstory and my own interpretation of canon hints. 

SELL YOUR MUSE! AKA TRY TO LIST EVERYTHING, WHICH MAKES YOUR MUSE INTERESTING IN YOUR OPINION TO MAKE THEM SPICY FOR YOUR MUTUALS.  —  Jokes in the face of nihilism and a juxtaposition to the field of science, Sans is full of contradictions in a fairly entertaining and interesting way. He appears to be incredibly intelligent, but talks and dresses like he’s any ol’ joe. He appears to have symptoms of depression but still acts fairly chummy. He is both one of the hardest fights you’ll apparently face and yet only needs one hit to be defeated. Sans apparently cares for nothing and yet also holds his brother in very high esteem. He appears difficult to get close to, yet he bonded with a stranger over bad jokes and kept a promise to her even though he never even knew her name. Sans can be defined by both what he is and what he appears to be. 

NOW THE OPPOSITE, LIST EVERYTHING WHY YOUR MUSE COULD NOT BE SO INTERESTING (EVEN IF YOU MAY NOT AGREE, WHAT DOES THE FANDOM PERHAPS THINK?).  —  Sans is credited with far more than he’s actually due by the fandom. He doesn’t seem to really care for you, the player, like Toriel or other monsters do. He’s not a hero, past or present, like Gerson or Undyne. He doesn’t really help avoid the player getting hurt or captured like Papyrus does. He doesn’t push the plot forward and he doesn’t take action; as a character, Sans is purely reactive, and if he were the Main Character, that would be a huge flaw. 

WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO RP YOUR MUSE?  —  I first joined the Tumblr RPC as a Frisk RP Blog, way back in the day, and that was because I stumbled across a Sans RP blog that I found very interesting. This character that I had largely not put too much thought in during the game suddenly had a very complex narrative and I loved reading his dialogue (it didn’t hurt that the mun was clearly a talented writer). Eventually, I realized I wanted to try my hand at writing him too, and so I started my own Sans RP blog.

WHAT KEEPS YOUR INSPIRATION GOING?  —  you guys. The fandom, the artists, the other Sans/Undertale RP blogs, the fanfiction authors— when I start getting bored or stale, you suddenly present this indie game, and by extension Sans, in a new angle that draws me back in. Thank you. 

SOME MORE PERSONAL QUESTIONS FOR THE MUN.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO / I SINCERELY HOPE I DO? [ Some of my old favorites in the Sans RP game, I think, did a bit better job of consistently getting his character right. Still, I hope I give him justice too.]

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO / SORT OF? 

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO 

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO [ Often! When I’m actively writing him, anyway.]

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO / SORT OF? [ I am! Like I said, I think there have been others who did it better, but I wouldn’t say my portrayal is bad.]

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO. [ Most of the time! Sometimes I get writer's anxiety, and it doesn’t help that Tumblr gets me at my rawest. I have no editor, my posts normally receive just a brief proof-reading, and I’m sometimes experimenting for the first time with a particular genre/scene/style. I wouldn’t point to all of my writing here as my best or strongest work, but I can write solid stuff.]

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO. / SORTA. [ I wouldn’t say I’m sensitive in terms of people criticizing me, personally, but I am sensitive to other people. When something bad or unfair happens to someone, I usually feel upset for them. It can get very emotionally exhausting.] 

DO YOU ACCEPT CRITICISM WELL ABOUT YOUR PORTRAYAL?  —  I would say so! In general, I’m used to critiques for both writing and art, as I’ve taken courses that incorporated both heavily. 

DO YOU LIKE QUESTIONS, WHICH HELP YOU EXPLORE YOUR CHARACTER?  —  Absolutely!

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES TO A HEADCANON OF YOURS, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?  —  Not necessarily! I’m always interested in hearing different takes, but if someone said, “I don’t agree,” and didn’t follow up with an explanation on their own, I wouldn’t ask for one. 

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES WITH YOUR PORTRAYAL, HOW WOULD YOU TAKE IT?  —  Kind of the same as above. I would be interested in hearing why if they offered up why, but otherwise, I’m not really going to ask because they don’t OWE ME an explanation. For example, I like a lot of books, and I don’t like a lot of books, and that’s not really a judge of their quality as much as it is my own personal taste. Number one rule as a writer, you have to learn and accept that your stuff won’t appeal to everyone. 

IF SOMEONE REALLY HATES YOUR CHARACTER, HOW DO YOU TAKE IT?  —  I get it, haha. Characters that are hyped up like Sans are easy to get annoyed by. Even if he wasn’t hyped up, though, again, it makes sense that someone wouldn’t like him. Just like a book, a character can’t appeal to everyone. 

ARE YOU OKAY WITH PEOPLE POINTING OUT YOUR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS?  —  Please do! It’s embarrassing when I catch them later, hahaha. 

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE EASY GOING AS A MUN?   —  I think so! I try to be, anyway. Sometimes I worry I’m too casual with slipping into IM’s or commenting on posts, but so far I don’t think I’ve scared anyone off, so that’s good. 

[homestuck-kinstuff]

Could i get a tarot reading for my Daveraneasprite (Davesprite, aranea Serket, bec) timeline? (Did you get my art req? Im not sure, but i dont wanna annoy anybody,)

Hello Davearaneasprite, (@o0starlight0o)

Sorry for the delay, things had started to catch up to us a little bit. You can absolutely have a reading. 💜

I have the details for you below the cut:

Beginning

The Hierophant, Upright:

For clarity's sake, this card will represent Davearaneasprite's beginning, when they were first formed. It will tell nothing about Davesprite's, Bequeral's or Aranea's timelines.

The Hierophant embodies the bounds of tradition. What is tried and true is valued: now is not the time to strike out to uncharted waters. He can also represent the pursuit of knowledge, or a spiritual guide.

When you were first formed, you were likely very good at what sprites are supposed to do: guide their players through the complexities of the game. Between Davesprite's inherent savvy-ness, Aranea's gift of gab, and Bequeral's godhood, you had the potential to be an incredibly helpful player aid.

It's likely you were created to help players solve a game-centric problem, whether through direct player interference, or through an indirect mostly-happenstance-but-also-on-purpose kind of bullshit that so often found within the confines of S'Grub and S'Burb.

It's likely you advised the players to stick by the rules of the game at all costs.

Middle

10 of Wands, Upright:

You've been working extremely hard in order to bring something to fruition. Just before reaching your goal, however, you're finding yourself overburdened with the responsibility you created for yourself.

When reaching the final stages of the plan (whatever issue you were called into existence to help resolve, whether that be a major conflict on the timeline, or many nuanced issues scattered about) you suddenly found yourself overwhelmed.

You took on too much, and the strain is beginning to show. Why weren't you delegating tasks to the other players?

Did you not trust the other players to competently do what needed done? Did it seem easier for you to just do everything yourself? Or did your players have too much faith in you, pushing too much on your plate because of your seeming omnipotence?

Regardless, things were quite difficult for you during this time.

Towards the End

4 of Cups, Upright:

The 4 of Cups describes the experience of being so wrapped up in your own thoughts, you are blind to the goodness the world is laying at your feet. Even though your intentions are noble, you run the risk of treating the world with apathy.

It's uncertain whether or not you succeeded, or even if the final stages of your plan have begun. But it's very likely that you were extremely preoccupied with the machinations of it, the planning, the worrying, all the little metaphorical moving parts.

This preoccupation caused you to withdraw, think things through again and again. You likely withdrew emotionally from those around you, finding it harder and harder to see and hear outside of the chatter in your own head.

There were likely good things happening around you, trivial-seeming silliness that brings folks together. You likely found it difficult to participate, if even you were there at all.

Challenges

2 of Swords, Upright:

The 2 of Swords represents a very difficult choice. There is no clear "right" answer, as both options are almost exactly equally beneficial and detrimental in different ways. But one thing is obvious, to progress, a clear stance needs to be taken.

The near-omnipotence that came with your particular brand of spritehood was likely both a blessing and a curse. It's very possible that having access to so much knowledge likely created very many stalemates when decisions had to be made. It's also possible you'd have to fight the game's influence if what needed to be done went outside of the game's rules.

Another possibility is that is card represents a more specific difficulty. One impossible choice you had to make that was so hard, it took precedence as the greatest challenge you had to face in your timeline.

How you Faced it

The Tower, Reversed:

The Tower represents disaster. Absolute upheaval of everything you hold dear. Reversed as it is, it speaks to a desperate avoidance of that destruction.

An incredibly painful event is on the horizon, and you are avoiding it with all your strength, at all costs. It paralyzes you to think about.

This decision you had to make, regardless of what you chose, likely paved the way for this disaster. So, in your infinite wisdom, you never let yourself make that choice, delaying a terribly inevitable end.

You

3 of Cups, Upright:

A lovely card, representative of a warm and lively gathering of friends. You're blessed with loving relationships and camaraderie, investing time in the people you love.

You are, at your core, someone who thrives in the midst of many friendships. You're a people person, (whether or not this is in a very extroverted way,) and you love getting to know new folks.

You likely craved attention from the people around you, and began to wilt (whether you realized it or not) if you went too long without it. People are your passion, your strength, and your greatest weakness.

The End

6 of Wands, Upright:

This is a lovely card that represents a very public, very loud and joyful celebration of success after a period of hard work.

It's possible you succeeded in your mission, the game was beaten and successfully won. You lived out a happy, peaceful life after the end of everything, enjoying the reward with your new friends, before a peaceful death at an old age.

However, it's also very possible when your teammates went to collect the ultimate reward, as a game construct you were not allowed to collect the reward alongside your peers. You would stay inside the game as it ended. Therefore, the success itself would have brought about your demise.

Advice

Temperance, Upright:

Temperance is all about balance, about finding it in yourself, and the world around you.

Now is the time to find balance- to reap inner peace through cultivation of that balance.

Take an honest look at yourself, at your life. Where are you spread too thin? Where are you not giving the attention that is needed?

Take a step back and breathe. Let yourself settle.

9 of Pentacles, Upright:

After much hard work, this card indicates a time of luxury and satisfaction and peace. It's implied by this card that everything gained is due to one's intelligence and self-control, and that the fruits of this labor are those that can be enjoyed over a lifetime.

Take a load off, my dear. You've already put the work in, and your satisfaction is well deserved. Now you can relax and enjoy what your hard work has grown- a time of peace for you and your loved ones.

2 of Pentacles, Upright:

This card represents the need for balance in the midst of rapid continuous change, and the sense that this sort of change has become "the norm" for you. It also implies that you've been extremely resilient and flexible with it.

The nature of spritehood is unexpected, and often comes with rapid unavoidable change. It would be good for you to remember that you have been, are, and will be incredibly talented at handling change as it comes for you.

You are well equipped to handle whatever life throws at you, darling. Keep that in mind when things seem scary. 💜

As always dear, you would know your timeline better than I. These are your memories, not mine. If something doesn't feel right, it likely isn't.

If any part of this reading doesn't strike a chord with you, I'd heartily recommend looking into the meaning of the card in question yourself. Tarot cards have many meanings, and another interpretation may make more sense to you. 💜

Kind Regards,

🌹Mod Rose🌹

[kendrixtermina]

Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

[autisticstarseed]

if u could, perhaps, bless us with all the applicable symbols from that fic ask for hvh 👀

ooOoOOOoOO Rub s gay hands togehter omg ty friend 😍;;;;;;

💡 - What was the motivation behind the story?

hHH i hadnt written in 10+ years so when i latched onto this plot idea i just thought itd be a good time to jump the shark and try it again !! i just wanted smth really edgy and depthful bc im emo and the rest kind of snowballed

💎- What was your favorite part?

osdlfksd;lf it’s hard to pick a fav but the drunk scene was definitely the most fun to write at least

⛰️-  What was the hardest part?

THE SCENE WHERE THE GANG IS KIDNAPPED BY ENKI,,,, i debated toning down the violence but in the end i knew where the story was going (and where its still going) and that its gonNA be kinda dark so why hold back now ig

🎭- What was the feeling or mood you were going for?

BITTERSWEET AF,,, sort of just treading the line of ‘hopeful’ and ‘hopeless’ at all times to fully portray the feeling of being at your lowest, but with that classic tss ‘silver linings just around the corner’ kind of undertone

🏟️- Who was your intended audience?

mostly all the adults that watched tss as a kid and felt like spirituaLLY MOVED BY IT cuz i really tried to tap into that Emotion Tee Em we all felt when we found out that zak was [redacted]

🔬- Was there one scene you were building up to/knew you had to get just right?

hHH theres actually a LOT of scenes like that and i think a lot of my general motivation to keep going comes from that ‘WAIT FOR IT WAIT FOR IT’ vibe slkdf:SDF but the Plot Twist tm in the latest chapter was definitely a big’n, and theres a few more of those still to come :^)

🗝️ - What were you thinking when you wrote it?

kjdjFSDs:DF tbh whenever i start really writing, [’im shifting into soup mode’ seinfeld meme voice] im shifting into maladaptive daydreaming mode

🎥- Were there any tv shows, books, or movies that influenced this verse, if any?

:^) devilman crybaby pls forgive me for everytHing

📈- Was there a clear character arch you wanted____ character to go on?

i actually have a short list of what i somewhat consider to be the story arcs in my notes !! mostly just for organization and obvs i wont list the future ones but so far we’ve seen the kushtaka arc, the enki arc, and now we’re in what i call ‘the annunaki’ arc.

🎢- Were there any scenes you were nervous about? For audience reception or otherwise?

ALL OF IT JSHDJSKD, but again a lot of the enki scenes i was worried would be too edgy TM, and the whole annunaki plot as well i was worried might be too ‘out there’ for ppl, but it takes the story exactly where i always wanted it and lines everything up perfectly so i went for it lol. i was also ofc worried if people would like ila or not bc oc but most ppl love her actually which is so 😭❤️

☠️- Did you consider killing off any of the characters? Did you?

8^) [mickey mouse voice] this is a surprise tool that will help us later ,

✉️- Did you title your chapters? What title do you like best?

yes! the next one actually has my favorite chapter title yet, but so far i like ‘so strikes the harpoon’ since its a throwback to the first couple chapters

☀️- Was there symbolism/motifs you worked in?

o every single paragraph is an overly thought out middle school poem im entering in the talent show actually

🎵- Did you have a playlist/piece of music that went with this story?

Yes !! i have HVH insp part 1, Part 2, and an extra one for all those songs that have the vibes but just dont fit enough to make sense in a playlist

📜-Do you want to write something like this again in the future?

probably ! ive learned i definitely like the edgy/darker and emotionally driven stories with ongoing plot, so that trend will almost definitely continue. idk if ill write a dystopia again anytime soon, but i think my future stuff will at least retain that long and heavy vibe

💁- Did readers influence/change any part of this story?

oh yEA like basically i was ready to quit after the very first chapter before it was even written and kinda just got it all out on a whim of motivation but was expecting to flake on it like i tend to do with projects, but the invested response to it was just so uplifting that its what ive been riding on all ten chapters and im so grateful for it :’)))

✏️-Would you go back and change anything if you could?

hHHHHHHH yes and ok this is terrible but i actually tend to avoid re-reading my older chapters until i hAVe to bc i suffer from that sO much ,,, , its just little things like tiny words i wanna change or bits i wanna take out/put in and once or twice ive even caught a mistake or plot hole/smth i forgot to add that i rly do have to go back and edit and i just turn to dust every tim e

⭐- What’s a scene/paragraph you’re proud of?

i really liked the northern lights scene!! it was meant to be a pivotal moment of that ‘bittersweetness’ vibe i was talking abt and it was another one of those scenes i had been planning for a while;;;

“ I think of how much the rest of the family would love this. This isn’t like the moon and the sun, where I can see it and know that even if it looks different, they’ll see the same one soon enough, wherever they are. This reminds me only that I am not with them. It stings. It seems unnatural for something so gentle and natural to appear before us as if we aren’t in complete, total fucking chaos. After all we’ve been through, and the sky still dances. “

📣-What was the best piece of encouragement you got?

AVERY ALL OF UR LIVEBL OGS AND COMMENTS GIV ME SUCH L I FE, ,, ,, CRYIGN CAT FA ce

🔦-Did you learn anything while writing it? About yourself? Writing?

isdfhSDF YEs, part of my hesitation to write came from this thing where i always just assumed there was a wildly high standard of writing in fandom spaces like in original literature spaces, where you had to have like 10+ sentences to a paragraph and you had to describe every tiny detail of a setting and you had to follow every single grammar rule or it was unreadable but like. genuinely its like sculpting with words as long as you have a shape ppl get the idea which is such a weight off my shoulders lol, its still a lot of work but so much fun to know i can to an extent do what i want and ppl actually like it like that. i also learned that like most other writers i have to cause my favs emotional and physical pain,

🎁- Any writing advice for people who want to write something like this?

hhHHHH 1. please do it its so fun just give in to the edge my guy , 2. try to get comfortable re-reading your chapters, for me its like when ppl listen to themselves sing/act but im trying to do better bc its so much more consistent when i keep it fresh in my mind and it also boosts confidence when u can pick out the things u like instead of the things u dont, 3. trying to have at least one scene in mind for each chapter that ur excited to write so u can have motivation to update faster! for me it doesnt have to be smth i think would excite the audience either like it could be the most basic thing but just having an idea of it and knowing i want to see it come to life rly helps me stay on top of it all

TY SM FRIEND THIS WAS SO FUN x x )