#im also just in pain in general today between my period starting & this cold. this past week has truly felt insane

[adhdheather]

i did fuck up a bit needing to watch and analyze joker (2019) by midnight for a sociology class after i already took nighttime cold medicine

[dallaswinstonsleatherjacket]

Concussion-Ponyboy Curtis 

(Im actually kind of excited about this one)

Most of my fanfics you can also read on my AO3-if you like that format better!

Taglist: @pepsi-and-cigarettes @chaotically-cas @sylvia-supremacist @darrys-toolbag @otterfire @i1-800-555-trash-1i @queen-of-the-outside @isasbaguettes @steveiskoreanfuckit (lmk if you want to be added or removed)

It had all started three days ago, when Richard Astor, one of the more commonly seen Socs, pushed me against the lockers after third period so hard I hit my head. He made it out to be an accident, but I knew that was only ‘cause Ol’ Mrs. Lowell was standing right there.

I don't know how Steve or Two didn't see it, since they were both there that day and usually were in the same halls as I was, but I didn't see either of them, and they must not have seen me either, cause Soda and Darry didn't say anything when I got home. I was glad, too. The whole gang fusses too much over me, and I know it's ‘cause my brothers are all scared of losing me after losing mom and dad. I get it, I’d go nuts if anything happened to them either, but still.

Anyway, good old Curly Shepard, a kid from a neighboring gang of greasers happened to see. He and I are pretty close, I tutor him with math sometimes and we get along pretty well. Our gangs might not, at least not all the time, but two kids like us have to stick together in a Soc-filled school.

Curly raised an eyebrow as I passed him, but didn't comment until after lunch. He had dragged me to the bathrooms and made me do that concussion test that his older brother Tim always makes him do after he hits his head real hard. I didn't feel real bad, I just wanted to get to English, so he let me go.

I didn’t feel anything at all besides a pain in my head until I got to the DX later that day. Steve had driven me there somewhat begrudgingly, but there was no getting out of it, because he had a shift there anyway and I was supposed to walk home with my brother.

Soda walked out to the front to meet us, and I tried to get out of the car but only narrowly avoided falling to the ground because Soda caught me just in time.

“Hey, Pone, you okay there?” Soda's voice was cheerful but his eyes were worried. He reminded me of Darry at that moment, and I shivered.

“Yeah, sorry. Just-stood up funny.” I wrenched myself to my feet, deciding that this was not the time to be dizzy.

Soda walked close behind me as I stalked indignantly through the DX and took a seat near where Soda usually sits. There were no cars Steve needed to work on, so he refrained from heading to the garage and instead stayed in the air-conditioned store, grabbing himself and Soda a coke before taking a seat on the stool next to me.

Steve and Soda started talking about some old convertible that came in the other day, and I started to doze off, to be honest. My head hurt a whole hell of a lot, and I wanted nothing more than to be at home in my bed.

“Pony. Pony, hey, kid-”

My eyes flew open and I was still at the bar stools around the counter at the DX, and both Steve and Soda were looking at me.

Soda reached as if to feel my temperature, and I tried to swat him away and nearly fell off the stool. As I caught my balance, Soda managed to press the back of his hand to my forehead.

“You feel a little warm…” I pulled away and managed a glare at both of them, cause they were looking at me like I was a little kid.

“I should take you home-Steve, can I take the truck?”

I would have liked nothing more than to drive home and sink into my bed, but Steve's glare, whether about the truck or having to man the register and the garage, made me resist.

“Soda-I’m fine, honest. I'm just tired-school today-”

“No one hurt you, did they?” Soda's eyes widened and he looked over at Steve, who shrugged and looked at me.

“No-I just feel fine-I’m fine, right Steve?” I looked over at Steve, and decided if he wanted his truck or his friend for the afternoon, it was his choice.

Steve raised his hands as if to ask to leave him out of it, but Soda raised his eyebrows and Steve looked between the two of them.

“I mean, Kid, you know how you feel-and Soda, if you think he caught something, take him home. I can manage here”

Soda tried to feel my forehead again, but I ducked this time, and Steve clicked his tongue at me. “Little Curtis, if I knew you were going to be such a damn pain-”

That's the last thing I remember before I fell off my stool.

*

When I opened my eyes next it seemed like I wasn't at the DX anymore, and I recognized the wallpaper of our living room.

“Oh, god, Pony-” Soda whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

If I had enough strength to hold any sort of conversation I would have asked him what for, but instead I forced myself to keep my eyes open.

Soda must have sensed I didn't want to talk because he continued. “You fell off your stool at the DX-I don't know why, I think you were dizzy, and you only blacked out for a bit, and then you woke up and started mumbling before falling asleep-god, Pony, I’m awful sorry.”

I still couldn't speak well, and my head felt heavy to hold up, but I watched out of the corner of my eye as Steve walked into the room, coming over to the couch and leaning over the back of it to look at me. My face felt hot and I wanted to turn away.

“That was some performance, huh Little Curtis?” Steve grinned.

Soda glared at him and turned back to me.

“You need anything, Pony? Darry’s almost home and he-”

I could feel all my muscles tense and I almost sprung up, only stopped by Steve holding my shoulder down.

“Darry? Darry can't come home, you shouldn't have called him-I'll rest, I promise, tell him I’m okay-”

The front door slammed and Darry walked in, work boots caked with mud and drywall, and he didn't even take them off by the door as he hurried over.

“Ponyboy, Pony, are you okay?” Darry’s hands were surprisingly gentle, one on my forehead and the other holding my hand loosely.

“I’m fine, honestly Darry.”

Darry shook his head. “You definitely have a fever, Pone, you're slurring your words, Soda says you were all dizzy at the DX-”

I shot a glare at Soda, which he didn’t return and instead looked up at Steve, who shrugged again.

“Kiddo, you have to tell me what happened.” Darry’s voice was stern, and he pushed my bangs back and adjusted the pillows behind my head.

“I hit m’ head” I let myself close my eyes, it hurt to keep them open, the light seemed too bright. I let my head rest back on the pillows and I kept quiet, not offering any more detail.

I could feel Darry's eyes searching me for more, but I lay still and didn't make a noise, until he either decided he would try later or that was all I had to say.

“Alright. Pone, we’re gonna get you to your bedroom, okay, so you can rest?”

“I can walk, Darry” I said, and tried to sit up.

Both Darry and Soda helped lift me to my feet, and I took about three steps before feeling like I wanted to throw up and sitting back down on the couch.

I pretended not to notice as Darry lifted me up easily and started down the hallway. I still felt so dizzy from even trying to stand up, and having Darry carry me was about equal embarrassment to falling, without the pain.

Steve and Soda followed Darry, although I'm not sure why Steve was even still here. It's not like he cared about me anyway, although I did notice he looked more concerned, and the smirk was wiped off his face.

Soda pulled the covers back and Darry lay me down gently and covered me with them, arranging my head on the pillows. Steve hovered awkwardly by the doorway, as if he were unsure whether to stay or go.

The door slammed shut and I winced at the noise, turning my face into the pillow. Steve used it as an excuse to go meet whoever was at the door, and Darry sat on the edge of the bed.

“Hey, kiddo. I'm so sorry, Pony, I know you feel like shit.”

My eyes were fluttering closed, but I reached for Darry’s hand, wanting suddenly nothing more than to have his arms around me.

“Rest, okay? I’ll be right here, I promise.” Darry’s voice was getting softer, and I could feel myself falling asleep.

*

“You think it's a concussion?”

My eyes fluttered open for a second, just enough time to see Darry and Two-bit seated at the edge of my bed, talking to each other quietly.

“I dunno, Two. It looks a lot like the one I got when I played football-he's all dizzy and everything, and really tired..” Darry sighed. “If it's a concussion all we can do is wait anyway, and get him to rest.”

It was silent for a minute.

“I should have been with him..I skipped school today to go down to that race with Dally, I could’ve driven him straight home and avoided a lot of this mess…” Two-bits voice was sober, the most serious I've ever heard him.

Darry seemed to have shook his head, and I heard him sigh again. “It's not your fault. I don’t think he just hit his head either, he seems off in general. He might have a cold along with whatever else. I just wish he didn't feel like this, like he needed to hide things from me.”

I shifted a little, turning more on my side and groaning quietly. My head hurt like hell, and I felt sick to my stomach, so I kept my eyes closed. I could feel Darry and Two-bit watching me, but they must have thought I was still asleep.

“So what did your work say?” Two-bit asked in a quieter tone, and I stiffened. What if he was let off because of me?

“I told my boss what happened. He told me it was no problem-he has kids, he understands. I just need to be with Pony if anything happens. I wish-I wish I had enough money to take him to get properly checked out but…”

They were both silent again, and I was filled with anger at myself, for being so dumb and causing so much trouble, and Soda for calling Darry, and stupid Socs and stupid school and-

“Pony?” Darry spoke quietly still, and I turned and pushed myself up on my forearms, forcing my eyes open.

“Yeah?” Golly, my head hurts.

“You need anything to eat or drink? It's past dinnertime, kiddo, you were asleep for a while.”

My stomach turned at the thought of eating anything, and I turned back over to face the window. Sure enough, it was dark outside, and I could hear the chatter of Soda and Steve, and maybe Johnny and Dally, coming from the living room.

“Not hungry.” I said finally, and Darry nodded. Then I said “Is everyone here?” I knew Dally wasn't, he never comes for dinner or stays over, but everyone else could be.

“Everyone but Johnny.” Darry said, and then rubbed his face with his hands like he does when he’s stressed. I didn't know whether he was stressed about me, or Johnny, or something else.

Darry stood up, walking over and sitting on the edge of my bed, closer to me. Running the back of his hand over my forehead, he managed a grim smile.

“Fevers down.”

Two-bit grinned at me cheerfully, and stood up, leaning over to ruffle my hair. “Hey, Pone, all banged up again aren't ya?”

I winced at the touch but smiled back, and Two-bit headed out to the living room. Darry stayed.

“You'll call me if you need anything?”

“Yes, Darry.”

“Alright.” Darry started to leave, but then turned back. “Hey-was Johnny at school today?”

I shook my head.

Darry's eyes changed, but he nodded and closed the door.

*

I must have dozed off again because the next thing I knew it was dark outside, and a hand on my shoulder was gently waking me.

My eyes didn't hurt quite so much, and I blinked a couple times before turning.

Johnny was there, his hair almost invisible in the dark except for where it fell in wild curls over his face. He looked as though he had been patched up recently, I assumed by Darry, he had a bandage across his face and a couple more that disappeared below his collar.

“Hey,” he said softly, and I grinned.

“Darry said you should take this-I think you fell asleep before he could give it to you earlier.” He handed me a small pill and a glass of water, which I swallowed, and set the cup on the nightstand.

We sat there in silence for a minute. Johnny and I can do that, we can sit without talking and still understand everything the other is thinking.

I shifted so I was sitting, and then I moved over enough so Johnny could lay next to me. He clambered onto the bed and we both lay down and stared at the ceiling.

He didn't ask what happened, and I didn’t ask either. We both knew.

That's how I fell asleep that night, Johnny curled up beside me. I’m sure he would be gone the next morning, slipping out at the break of dawn before anyone woke up, meeting Dally at the lot or around Bucks. I could picture Darry padding down the hallway and settling into his bed, I could picture Soda curling up in Darry’s big easy chair, and Two-bit and Steve flopping down onto the couch.

My head started to hurt again, so I closed my eyes. Johnny’s soft breathing beside me and the quiet chatter from the living room lulled me to sleep.

[ac-ars]

high for this

it’s been less than a year this time, less than two weeks actually and it’s a success im sure we all can agree lmao

have fun 

Luna Valente doesn’t expect much fun when she gets accepted to the University of Oxford, but it’s the only way to stay away from her controlling aunt. She doesn’t expect also Matteo Balsano, who is the most helpful out of everyone there. Is he really as perfect as it seems though?

previous chapters here

🌙

2/ you there when I'm high, you're gone when I'm low

“So, how was the date with Balsano?” Ambar asks almost carelessly, but Luna knows already that it’s just a tone the blonde uses always, when she is pretending to not be curious. Valente sighs slightly and shrugs. “There was no date, plus it wouldn’t be a date if he showed up.”

Smith scrunches up her nose. “What do you mean?” Her shoulder hits some guy’s arm and she just keeps walking, making Luna wonder if she ever at least tries to be nice.

“I mean that he was supposed to come over, but he texted me that he had last minute student council meeting. You know that, you were there after all, right?”

Ambar looks at her weirdly, as if confused, but it’s just for a mere second and this expression disappears, leaving its blace for blank, bored stare. “Yeah, yeah, sure. It was super bad. You know, schedule changes and such.”

Luna nods slowly, smiling a little in her direction and Ambar makes awkward face. “I gotta go. I will see you somewhere later though, good luck on class and well whatever.”

With this she disappears in the middle of the hallway and Luna just looks after her as she is walking quickly, somehow too quickly for Ambar to be casual, but it’s not like the brunette can do anything right now. She just turns away checking the texts from the girls who are probably already waiting for her.

The hallways are filled with students, most of them is older than her and she is kinda awkward, not sure what to do. Some are looking at her, yet definitely more is ignoring her passing by and that’s amazing thing, because now she doesn’t need to try to run towards the exit or something.

At least the day is pretty, the sun blinds Luna as soon as she leaves the building and she needs to quickly search for her sunglasses. They aren’t in her backpack, which isn’t really surprising. After all recently it has been only sad and grey and sometimes even rainy, so there was no need for such thing like sunglasses. She sighs with disappointment and looks around for her friends, letting out small, heavy sigh seeing that Jim and Yam adopted Nina as well today.

Luna just approaches them without saying anything and sits on the grass next to the blonde, as quiet as possible. Nina seems to be super focused on the big, fat book that is lying in front of her on the grass and Jim is eating her fruits from breakfast box using a fork. Luna rolls her eyes seeing this and just pulls out bio book and her earphones, because the next class there can be some surprise like quiz or test, no one ever knows really.

Sadly, as soon as she turns on some random Abba song, someone hits her on the shoulder and says her name loudly. Luna growls, putting her phone in between the bio book pages and turns to Yam, who looks at her expecting.

“What?” she asks and it might be rude, but that’s how they talk to each other mostly, which is mostly funny.

“I was asking you. Where is your prince charming?” The blonde shrugs as if it was the most obvious thing in the world and Luna wonders if it’s their only topic to talk about. Matteo this, Matteo that, just like they weren’t in fancy uni with many, many older boys to talk about, or some hot profs, no, they are just stuck gossipping about one boy, who has been such a hot and cold pain in the ass, that Luna before her period needs to stay away from him.

“I don’t know. He seems to have some other stuff to do.”

Yam shrugs scrunching her nose and steals an apple slice from Jim’s box.

“He is probs busy with Gastón.” Nina says as she turns the page of this really ugly book, and just focuses on the text again. Jim and Yam jump to her, the ginger actually falls to Simonetti’s back and they start giggling loudly with the rest.

Luna sighs fixing the laces to her converse as she takes them around her ankle playfully and ties normally, it makes her feel less fancy than everything else plus it’s not like she is trying to be actually fancy. She also isn’t an aesthetic university girl like Nina for example.

“Luna, maybe you know what happened?”

The Mexican growls, falling to the grass and covers her face with bio book, which smells like dust by the way. “What would I know? Sorry, but I don’t talk to Matteo about his friendship issues.”

She knows it wasn’t the best thing to answer, especially seeing how even Nina raises her eyebrows. Jim and Yam jump surprised and just steal Luna’s precious book, hovering over her so their hairs tickle Luna’s nose. “Then what are you two talking about?” With this the ginger turns to her chihuahua bestie and winks. “Maybe they aren’t talking at all, though?”

They burst out with laughter and Valente just blinks at them surprised, not knowing what to do with this thing. This whole situation is completely ridiculous, because the girls don’t shut up, but also she has no idea what the hell is Matteo pulling on her, disappearing right before they were supposed to meet.

She doesn’t like it, she very doesn’t, she will tell him about how shitty he is acting, and that if he really will expect her to be normal next time, he will probably end up disappointed. Yet, at the same time it’s not like they are something else than just kinda friends, not even fully friends so Luna can’t think he will be always there and text her. Still, some other text than the short one he sent would be nice, and maybe sending another with other date of their meeting, but nah, why would he even try?

“You feel eh, don’t you?” Jim asks with small frown and Luna shrugs, not really saying anything.

“We are taking you to the lunch by the way, so get your small butt up and let us pay for your pizza.”

🌙

They are really paying for her food, and Luna can’t say no, and doesn’t wanna say no since it gives her the chance to pay for some of them next time, or even later. They somehow talk about dumb shit, trying to set her up with hot waiter who asks for their orders and this is definitely something finally normal. They haven’t done normal for a few long days, so she is really grateful for them to take her head away from bad ideas and bad thoughts and general annoyance that keeps bubbling in the back of her head whenever someone mentions Matteo Balsano.

Sadly, it’s not like she is interested in this pretty boy who gives them some discount, she keeps having the smile of one Italian on her mind, how he likes to wink at her and send her tiny smirk whenever he wins some playful conversation. How he just acts, making her like him for just existing and this is very dangerous ability.

Luna obviously takes part in the conversation surprisingly, despite almost twins gushing about some dance classes they found next to the campus, Nina interrupting them with some new drama informations about how girls from her literature class kept gossiping that Matteo and his best friend had a fight, or at least a drama recently.

She remembers how when on the airport Matteo was all smiling and laughing at the screen of his phone, saying that it was his best friend spamming him already. Now when she thinks of it, it’s all kinds of weird that he hasn’t mentioned this guy even once and that something must have happened. Yet, she doesn’t feel like she has any right to ask or mix herself in Matteo’s business.

It’s time to make them stop talking so loudly that other people are sending them annoyed looks, so Luna sighs and asks. “What are we doing tonight?”

They immediately shut up and stare at her very seriously. “We are going to have very much fun, Luna Valente. We are going to drink alcohol and dance, and sing very loudly, and you are going with us.” Yam says very casually with straight face and stable voice.

“But tomorrow we all have classes? Are you okay?”

Jim rolls her eyes and moves to Luna so close, she almost ends up on her lap. “We are okay, that’s just part of being a student not at home, so we will make you be less boring tonight.”

“I am not boring, I just don't feel like drinking my ass off in the uni night, that's all,” she says with a shrug and Jim and Yam share knowing look.

“That's exactly why you should go and chill, you deserve all chill, Luna and we don't want you to end up blackout, just to relax and dance. Don't you like dancing?”

Valente sighs with a pout and wonders why she is so bad at saying no.

🌙

“Could you please already stop touching my hair?” Luna asks when Nina pulls single strand while braiding this fancy thing on Luna's head.

“I'm sorry, it's just because there is so much of your hair around it just tangles around my fingers,” the Argentine girl explains and shrugs a little.

The brunette hums, trying to not wince every time she feels a pull on her head, and it’s not that hard, because Nina is trying to be softer now. “You aren’t going with us, are you?” she asks and Simonetti smiles. “Of course not. I have some writing to do still and I promised my dad I would skype with him tonight. But I hope you girls have fun.”

Luna looks at her in the mirror and blinks surprised a little, yet trying to hide it. “Won’t you tell me now that we all should study and focus on classes?”

“No, because you don’t like it. And you are adult, Luna, you decide about it yourself.”

“What? How do you know that I don’t like it?” she asks surprised, and now she feels all kinds of dumb, and rude, and mean person.

Nina shakes her head slightly with tiny smile. “Once I told Jim to study and she told me to stop telling people what to do, everyone is adult here, and I guess I was just sure that it’s help, not annoying. Anyway I hope you have fun.”

Luna smiles back, happy about this one step towards being better with everyone, and wants to say something, but Jim and Yam jump into the room laughing loudly and having something glittery in their hands. Valente gasps, fully knowing what this means.

“We got you a dress!” the blonde yells and Luna feels how her blood leaves her face, this fabric is definitely too much, probably too short, glitter isn’t that much of a problem, but the rest will most likely be. “Come on, go and try it, and then you will do some makeup, because I’ve seen some on your instagram account and you are good at this.” Jim smiles and pulls Luna up from the chair before pushing her in the bathroom along with the dress, and again, she should definitely read about being assertive.

🌙

Those colorful little shots are so pretty, the more she takes, the better they get, and at this point the glittery dress is biting her skin less and less. The music is loud, yes, but it’s the nice kind of music, Luna likes it and the only breaks are to drink a little more. She knows that this was her last one shot, sadly, still it’s okay; she can have fun without any more alcohol and then go back home and go to sleep, praying for no hangover in the very next day.

She doesn’t talk or dance to anyone except her two friends, they seem to be glad about that, but at the same time they keep pointing at some boys in the crowd. None of them seems to be a good one, but let’s be real, who would search for a boy to date in the club filled with alcohol and bass sounds that can be felt in bones.

Luna adores dancing to be honest, no matter if it’s dancing around her dorm while cleaning, or dancing like here in the club. She just loves it, loves to move and jump with the rhythm while her hair is softly bouncing around, tickling the skin of her back and shoulders and the fact that the more they dance, the more she can drink.

It’s almost an hour after midnight, and Luna doesn’t feel sleepy or tired one bit, which is very dangerous in her case, but classes are later in the day, so she will let herself sleep longer. Jim and Yam keep spinning around and making sure they all don’t leave each other and lose in between people. Luna sighs, because she felt some elbow in her ribs, or someone stomping on her toes, she guesses it’s time for a break so she yells to the girls it, trying to break through the newest remix of some famous song.

She gets to the small table breathing quickly, and leans against it with her elbows. Her phone buzzes, so she checks it after brushing her hair away from her face. It’s just some notification from insta, Simon sent her a text, but she can’t focus on it when there is orange-pink circle around Matteo’s profile pic waiting for Luna to tap it and watch. It takes much strength to ignore it and block the phone before throwing a look around. Too many people, weird people wearing all kinds of clothes in all possible colors, and then she spots this guy wearing all black by the bar, and Luna can swear she loses her breath.

He is smiling smug at this girl in green dress, even shorter than it should be allowed, but neither of them seems to care. This girl’s face Luna can’t see, she just notices how Matteo looks at her and even if it’s very bad look, she doesn’t focus on it, staring at the way this black shirt is staying on his shoulders, not too tightly, yet it seems like there is no extra fabric there. How first few buttons are undone, and how the sleeves are rolled up, not to mention those black pants, having Luna have all issues possible.

He takes the girl’s hair behind her ear wearing this small smirk before brushing her collarbone and arm with his fingers. Luna can almost feel the trembling of the girl with black hair that is very focused on Matteo Balsano, and having him all focused on her, and Luna has no idea, but she hates it. She hates that he is here acting completely normal, living normal as he always is, after he just threw her random text about sorry, not coming over, and then leaving her waiting again. Luna hates it, hates him and this girl, and the alcohol for making her feel this way, and she also hates herself. For wanting him to look at her.

Now she feels like she needs to drink more and regrets not doing it earlier. Though, who knows what would she have done with more alcohol in her blood. She stares at him most likely too long, at least long enough for him to catch her eyes for a second, and Luna can’t say what he will do now, because she turns away, looking at her phone screen intently and hoping that Cancun beach homescreen pic will teleport her there so she won’t have to handle this boy.

“Now I feel kinda sad here.” Luna hears by her ear, the voice obviously low and soft, and her drunk ear takes it eagerly and shivers climb up her spine. “Come on, sweet thing, talk to me.”

“And why would I?” She pouts raising her eyebrows at him, while he just smiles at her. “I’m sorry for not letting you know earlier about not coming to see you. And I’m sorry I haven’t texted you since then.”

This is all kinds of weird and Luna wonders what he wants this time. “Why are you apologizing? It’s not like you have to. We aren’t anything that would oblige you to explain yourself.”

Matteo hums, moving closer. “But I am not explaining myself. I’m just saying sorry because I haven’t done things that I should have, of course. And I’m here willing to make it up to you, if you want of course.”

“I mean, you don’t have to. You don’t owe me anything.” The brunette shrugs turning away.

“But I want to,” he murmurs and she can feel his breathing on her shoulder, she knows he is doing the exact same thing he was doing to the other girl minutes ago, yet this feels too good to pull away. This small feeling of excitement builds in her and she likes how it tickles her from inside.

Still, she decides to play with him a little. “Yes, but you were busy, Matteo.”

He chuckles and rests his hands on her waist, before turning her to him and leaning against the edge of the table. “I am not busy anymore. I am free for the rest of the night actually.”

Luna bites on her lower lip, taking all his attention to it. “From what I know, we are always free, that’s a human right, no?” She asks with a small giggle and Matteo shakes his head, leaning closer.

She wants him closer, but obviously she doesn’t get it, that’s how life hates her- once she wants to get something, once, and Jimena just hits the something from the side, which makes Matteo pull away and stand a little away from them.

“What are you doing, Luna? It was girls night, she says with accusing tone and her blonde bestie who follows her just points at Matteo. “I’m sure we should let Luna do what she was doing, or almost doing, before, Jim.”

Balsano snorts and Luna can feel herself giggling. “Yes, this was a girls night, did you hear it Matteo?”

The ginger looks at Luna’s companion she bumped seconds ago, and now she is shook, because there he is the boy she’s been gossipping about for long, long days, or that’s what Luna thinks is the reason of big eyes her friend makes at Matteo.

She spots Yam turning towards the bar, and then away from the bar so she can put the shot glasses on the table, and when Luna reaches for her immediately, because well her sanity definitely needs that, some hand takes it faster and in a second that’s it from her shot.

“It was mine? Who the hell do you think you are?” The brunette asks, completely surprised, because why the fuck would Balsano steal her shots.

“I think, that it’s time for us to go home,” he just states, ignoring her angry glare and loud questions. Luna huffs and crosses her arms. “I don’t wanna go home. Besides, I am not going to leave my friends here.”

The Italian nods. “Well, then we are going to walk them first, but then we go to your dorm so you get home safe and no one steals you on the way.”

Luna is very lost at this moment, she doesn’t get this boy one bit. First he is undressing some girl by the bar with his eyes, then he does the same with her, but using his voice and now he changed into group father who is gonna make sure everyone has no fun. Still, the look he is giving them now makes Luna just give up, she turns to the girls and sighs. “Are we going then? This one is gonna be super whiny I believe.”

“Okay I guess, but next weekend we are gonna stay looooonger.” The ginger pouts and Luna giggles. “Fine, can be.”

“No, you must promise, Luna Valente.” She takes up her pinky and the brunette just takes it with hers, nodding few times until her friend is happy. Her eyes walk towards Matteo who just sends her a wink and she wonders why would he try to send her home already. Or more like walk her home. And why would she agree.

🌙

It’s cold when they are walking towards Luna’s place, cold enough for her to start shivering and cold enough for her to accept Matteo’s arm around her shoulders, because he is warm and she would take everything that is warm. The girls are already in their room, since they live together, and Luna can walk calmly knowing that they are safe, most likely sleeping, and if not they always have the other to hold their hair in case of throwing up.

Matteo isn’t talking much, she isn’t either and it’s okay. Her heels are hitting the hard bricks of the sidewalk and except their breathing this is the only sound Luna can hear, which is nice. She feels that when he isn’t talking she is the least exposed to any harm from his side, he is just comfy and warm, and smells so nice, not with alcohol and when they will get to her place, Luna is sure he will let her go and won’t try to get in touch for next few days.

She sighs heavily and yawns, hearing his tiny chuckle and she guesses she can break the silence for a moment. “What’s so funny?” she just asks and he looks at her before sending her a smile. “Few moments ago you were all about staying in that club longer, and now you are like sleepy, little kitten.”

Luna huffs, it’s not that being compared to a kitten is a bad thing, but he is clearly making fun of her and her drunk self doesn’t like it. Actually she feels drunk only in the moments when she looks at his face.

“I’m sleepy because you are boring, Matteo.”

He raises his eyebrows at her and she giggles shaking her head. Italian gasps at this and pokes her on the ribs so she jumps a little. “I am not boring, it’s not my fault that you decided to have crazy night after waking up in the morning probably around eight am.”

Luna bites on her lower lip thinking, trying to remind herself when she did wake up, but since she can’t at this moment, she just ignores his comment.

There is again, a little quiet minute until it’s his turn to ruin it. “Why didn’t you take a jacket?”

“Why didn’t you?” Luna answers with a question and he sighs done. “Because I am not cold. Now you tell me.”

She pouts moving a little closer to him, hoping that he won’t mention it. “I forgot to take it.”

“Well, so we better hurry up.”

The brunette nods agreeing; she wants to be home as soon as possible, take off this uncomfy shoes and dress, spend few years under the shower and sleep for the rest of the night. To speed up the walking she tries to play with the one stone by kicking it away and when she walks to it again, she just kicks it again. Once it goes to the left, more towards Matteo’s feet which makes Luna pout, yet he surprises her by kicking it so she can continue.

He pretends that it didn’t happen and the brunette pretends she doesn’t see the look he is sending her.

🌙

“It’s a nice building,” he murmurs when they get to the door of her dorm. Luna looks around the hallway and she can’t really see anything nice here, it’s just normal, but she guesses Matteo was trying to make the conversation with the least awkward start.

“Well, you could have seen it earlier.” Luna shrugs and he smiles leaning his back against the entrance door so she can’t really get in or even try to put the key in the lock. “Let me in, Matteo.”

“Why were you so annoyed at me today?” he asks instead and she frowns. “And why do you care?”

Matteo crosses his arms and she does the same, which probably looks ridiculously funny. “Because I don’t want you to be angry at me, sweet thing.”

“How would I be angry with you, if you don’t even talk to me?” The brunette hums and Balsano nods slightly, thinking probably about something important or not important. She has no idea exactly, but this scrunched nose of his is kinda cute and she likes it, his lashes are throwing some shade at his cheeks, definitely unfair that his lashes are so long. She stares at him just like he stares at her and it’s the weirdest moment between them ever.

“I’m sorry,” he says and she blinks surprised. “I will be talking to you now.”

“You know that it sounds super weird? Plus you don’t have to, Matteo. I get it, I just don’t want you to tell you would do something and then text me last minute, that sorry, but you can’t be there and then ignore me for few days. It’s fine, just stop.”

Matteo looks at her carefully. “Stop what?”

“Stop trying to be nice. Because it’s not really working for either of us.”

He smiles a little, which is ridiculous for Luna, so she doesn’t manage to react quickly enough when he reaches for her hand and pulls her close to his chest. She blinks surprised, looking into his eyes, he brushes her hair behind her ear softly and sighs. “Will you let me try once again? Let me and it will be fine, I’m sure of it.”

The brunette opens her mouth to say something, but he stops her. “Don’t tell me now, I’m sure your drunk self needs more time to make decisions, not to mention drunk choices are always bad for us. Let me know later, though. I will be waiting.”

She sighs with a tiny nod, barely moving and Matteo kisses her forehead before leaving. She can only watch him heading towards the elevator without turning away as she has two things on her mind. First, did he mean himself or her when he talked about deciding about stuff while drunk. Second, he never promised her anything and this she should remember.

Luna shakes her head and gets into her dorm, fully knowing that today to sleep she will listen to the song he sent her in the plane on repeat.

[vee-blackwell]

i got a bout of depression that hit tonight from not being distracted enough to avoid getting in my own head and i think i had too many bad thoughts about who i am VS family acceptance

my queer things, my interest things, my (lack of) set goals.

it hurt a lot to try and explain transgender things to my gramma while watching I Am Jazz, when talking about nonbinary people using “they/them” pronouns, she essentially said that if you dont use he/him or she/her then you have no gender “so you’re just nothing” which was just too close to home (literally) for me to hear as someone who doesnt feel anywhere close to any definition of gender, and am definitely not enough % to feel comfortable going on the male side of the binary.

that’s the hard part of that. it seems like it would be easier to tell her i’m bisexual or something (another term that doesnt really match me, but explaining asexuality or the differences between pansexual and bisexual self-identities is another thing thats hard to do with an 86 year old woman). but then what if it changes how she asks me about anyone i hang out with or makes weird assumptions about my relationships?

but at the same time, in watching this show with her, where she’s trying her best to be open-minded and learn about transgender people via watching I Am Jazz, she starts asking me to explain things in the show. not in a negative way, again, shes trying to understand which is more than i could hope for other 80+ year old grandparents. but then she asks me how i know so much about transgender people and issues they face when its things she doesnt expect people i know in real life, close to me, to have dealt with yet. and i have to play the “Educated Ally” instead of the “Depressed, Closeted Transperson” and hope she doesnt go from asking about my friends that are out to wondering about me. because it just makes me fearful of being in another time period of living in an abusive and unsupportive / negligent household where i never feel safe and im constantly arguing with my family. and i dont need that, or even to feel like im risking getting to that point again

i at least want to feel like i wouldnt be kicked out of the house and become homeless, or stop getting money from my family if i came out at all... but how many other transpeople had the same thoughts and were totally wrong? my mom who watched some of the show with us today almost immediately misgendered one of the transgirls on the show, talking about how **she (i dont want to misgender even by quoting my mom) clearly didnt have hormone blockers as long as Jazz because **her voice had changed. and it’s like, alright, she uses a feminine name, looks like any other normal high school girl, and has been working to try and get her voice to pass better, and it’s still so easy for ignorant people like my mom to pick up on that one thing they feel doesn’t fit right and just misgender someone immediately. and it’s worrisome. because i know how easy it is for “the average adult” around my mom’s age to miss the point entirely on how someone works to transition and making their own personal choices

...

im just queer and tired and fearful. my mind screaming at me “do SOMEthing” every time i wake up is like the echo of a broken record player that’s playing somewhere i can barely hear it. so i do something. i get a food. i grab a game. i grab my phone for games. i grab a video, or a game tutorial, or ANOTHER computer game, or i go on social media sites. and i do all these empty “SOMEthings” to mute the bad thoughts like the ones above. the ones that both overwhelm me into submission and also make me numb to any emotions.

i get bored of the phone game, the magickarp jump cooldown timers are all that’s left.

i get bored of harvest moon, after realizing that i was 1 floor away from the bottom of the mines last time i get frustrated. do i go back for it again and make the long boring trek, or do i go back to grinding cooking recipes so i can finally make that god damn tempura meal? each day passes as quickly or as stagnantly as i please thanks to my emulator. freeze time and do my daily farm chores, use the inventory item dupe glitch to keep stocked every gift item i need to give everyone, show everyone on the local islands my pets for bonus friendship points, unfreeze time so that the one fisherman character will finally show up to talk to and i give him his daily gift and show him my dog, i go fishing with frozen or unfrozen time as i choose. the day is done. time for the next one.

i get bored of the computer games that both tantalize me into playing them because i love them and want the mental stimulation, yet the other screens beckon to me stronger, and i sit on the 3 blue hellsites, toggling between them in mixed intervals.

i get bored of neopets, because it is after midnight and its the 3rd day in the row i forgot to do my dailies. god DAMMIT i’m never going to get trudy’s shitty 30 day bonus spin for those 100k neopoints if i keep this up. i go onto the help boards, and bump up the lottery board. copy and paste my old post, add the moneybag emoticon and congrats the winners. short list gives the UNs. long list gets generalized. the regular group of lottery players and bumpers congratulate and recognize each other, making the odd chat message about their lives. this is as far as i chat on the neoboards now because i have no social energy otherwise to talk to other neopets friends about how life is still depressing, and trying to speak around the child filters and character limits.

i go to my mom’s room, its hard to predict if she’ll be home at 5 pm or 8 pm or 11 pm or gone to her shitty boyfriend’s house. it had been GTA V. then crash bandicoot warped (ps3 port). and now skyrim with the DLC. i play it as i spend my life, there are markers telling me where i should go for quests to progress, yet i wander aimless around the world finding something more interesting to explore until i finally remember what i meant to do. my mom comes home, and i ask if she wants me to get out so she can sleep. she says its fine, and leaves the lamp on shining on her bed. it becomes after midnight, my gramma scolds me for staying in there when my mom is sleeping. while i agree, my hyperfocus is hard to break, and it still takes me more time than it should to simply save and quit in the middle of my doing nothing of importance in the game that i play for the middle of my doing nothing of important in my life.

i eat wherever i spend my activity. TV tray by my bed at all times now, my propel bottle sways like a top heavy asshole everytime its moved. the tissue box takes up space for food, but everytime i move it on my bed its either in the way or not close enough to use when i need it. my nose is still almost ready to bleed from the dry summer air. im still dehydrated because i lack the ability to remember to drink the juice, milk, or propel bottles within arms reach.

it’s 3 am, or probably later. i ask joey if it’s time to sleep. i take my melatonin, we both brush our teeth and say goodnight. am i lying to him again this night, and apologizing and saying i’ll do it for real? this could happen twice before the guilt takes over and i either cave and do it for real, or stay awake focused on my daily nothingness distractions.

on the days its 5 am or later, my mom wakes for work. we talk about the cat. we always talk about the cat. sometimes she says her work is shit and that shes in pain. things that are obvious. she leaves for work and says goodnight to me in the hopes i go to sleep soon.

i sleep. around 11 am to 1 pm is around the time i get woken for my medications. anxiety, depression, birth control pill (1 daily for 3 weeks at a time). i have to eat and drink with it, so its something simple. on bad days i fall back asleep for over an hour. like a sloth, i drag the tray of food to me, resting the plate or bowl on my bed to eat as i stay laying down. sitting up means i feel more obligated to stay awake after this. i finish the food, drink, and my pills, and shove the tray back against my closet, and lie back down in bed forcing myself to sleep.

it becomes anywhere from 3 pm to 5 pm, on bad days its 6 and later. i lay in bed after waking up maybe two or three other times from sweating, or tossing and turning with bad dreams or being awake enough that i could get up, but unmotivated or too depressed to get up and have to be awake for that much more time. i crawl to the computer first, turning off my nightly music and going online on steam. just so whoever cares knows im awake. i go adjust the thermostat as both i need as well as what wont freeze my gramma to death (or at least to complaining for hours). i say that i dont know what i want for food. she offers a suggestion, and i say sure. i return to my room until food is brought to me, and i grab juice or milk to have with my meal. it probably gets cold if it was meant to be eaten hot.

i get a food. i grab a game. i grab my phone for games. i grab a video, or a game tutorial, or ANOTHER computer game, or i go on social media sites. and i do all these empty “SOMEthings” to mute the bad thoughts like the ones above. the ones that both overwhelm me into submission and also make me numb to any emotions. the pattern repeats.

...

this has been Vee Life Simulator. sorry. no refunds.