#im also jobless and broke as hell

[some-name-in-progress]

Being a broke Guilty Gear fan is so funny because you could hold me at gunpoint and ask me some stupid obscure question like how long does Gear pregnancy last, and I would most likely answer correctly; but if you asked me how to do a Roman Cancel? Shoot me immediately.

[pupuseriazag]

Tw: venting (mentions of death trauma, family problems, etc)

I think I am going through another episode like years ago, I have tried my best to keep myself stable and silence the dangerous and panic inducing thoughts but I dont know how much more I will be able to endure.

For those that dont know, I have major anxiety and phobia to death. In 2021 I had to be taken to a psychologist because I broke down in my moms arms, not being able to stop the constant storm of my brain making me panic about how one day Im not going to be here,that I could die any moment and I dont have a guarantee of whats going to happen after that... Its hell, its horrible I love living so much and I know I should already have processed the thoughts... But I cant man. I cant and its horrible to live like this.

I was medicated with anxiety pills (my mom was afraid I could get addicted to antidepression pills until months later another doctor actually prescribed them to me) and ever since I "became better" I've been feeling guilty to ask her to buy me more because I dont want to worry her more.

Before turning 18 I NEVER visioned myself getting to live 24. I cried the early morning I turned 18 because I just didnt knew what to do. I still dont know what to do.

Im at 24 and Im getting let down more and more by life. Situation at home is still shitty and I just... Dont see a way for us to leave here.

Its been 5 fucking years since we began searching for a home to move away from my dad (to clarify: my dad is not physically nor verbally abusive. But he is a cheater, a selfish person and emotionally manipulative jobless liar.) and we cant... We just cant. Everywhere expects you to be paying 400$ a month for a one room apartment or 90k for a home thats falling apart, we cannot afford to move to another departament because of my university and her job. Traffic from other cities like San Marcos, San Martin and even Mejicanos is just too fucking much. Its already too much where we live.

Even if I had a job, we couldnt be able to move somewhere better, we have been stuck here for 5 years, two fucking years taken from covid and 3 to try to stabilize ourselves after that (plus his medical bills after he got kidney stones riiiight after leaving his job, very fucking convenient)

We cant even move to my grandma's or my mom's sister's house. They live on the other side of the country and they have always been very vocal about being against my mom and siding with my dad. And even tho we have the support of some of my dad's sisters... We just cant move to their home.

Everyday I wake up here is like being stuck in a time loop. Every day is the fucking same and I just find a way to distract myself before being yanked back to reality, same with my mom. And you know the worst? I also have to be my moms therapist.

Im tired man, all of this is driving me crazy and the hopelessness I feel when I realize my position is just... Overwhelmingly sad. I hate this life, I hate the life I was given and I hate being brought to a broken family, I hate that my life could have been better if ONLY my dad was not a piece of shit cheating on my mom and putting HIS family side before us, I hate that things could have been so... So much different if only he was a good person. Im not strong enough to continue pretending its not affecting my mental health, no wonder the intrusive thoughts increased these months... These past days.

I feel miserable, I feel worthless, I feel like everything is not worth it. I have insomnia until like 4 am and I panic when I cant find anything I can listen to so I can get some sleep. I havent been able to draw because I dont feel its worth it... I have only been able to distract myself playing and going to uni.

And even putting my family problems aside, I still cant find joy or hope. National news and seeing how this country its being turned into the gringos/politicians playhouse, how even if my life was "better" Im still in danger for being a queer afab person. How people still have blind faith in a fascist regime and money runs lower and lower for the working class meanwhile they proudly announce the inauguration of gentrified beaches and zones of San Salvador, displacing markets and historial establishments to put a fucking starbucks and other multinationals to be more gringo friendly while zones like Apopa and Soyapango are heavily militarized and the police can just say you are linked to the gangs to abuse you.

On top of that coming to terms that I may not end up working in anything art related and having to accept thar if I ever get a job Ill have to rot in an office, seeing how even tho I want to stay away from the norm I feel forced to join it... And that also means having to ""accept my prewritten gender role"".

Everyday that passes feels as if life will force me to live as a straight cis woman or otherwise I will just have to accept being alone the rest of my life.

I know Im being too negative right now, Im letting out how I've been feeling because lately its just been... Too much. Last night I even had a small disagreement with my mom because Im just not in the mood for being her therapist during this we're dealing. I know my dad is an asshole and I know hes using the few money he has to pamper his other woman instead of helping with the bills, I already know he tries to lie to us and acts as the victim. Its tiring to go through the same conversation about him everyday.

So yeah, back to my life... I just wish for some peace you know? I wish for a house where I can actually see the sky from my window and not worrying about at least my family problems. Srry for the sudden emotional explosion

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

honestly I think the number 1 (no. 1) reason i outgrew my interest in drama/acting and studying acting, was because of the classic “washed up amateur actor who ends up several thousand dollars in debt who just ends up being a children’s party entertainer (usually a clown)* trope..... that even ended up as a joke in kids shows or movies when I was a kid, where it was mostly like:

*open scene in a fredrickson high’s career advisor’s office, with carter henderson and the career advisor, ms. ganthrope.*

ms ganthrope: so carter, what do you want to be when leave school?

carter: i want to be an actor!

ms ganthrope: oh carter, pick something more achievable and realistic and helpful to your parents 🙄😤! what about being a teacher or something like that? do you really want to be an actor? maybe reconsider your interest, yeah?

carter: but i want to be an actor though??? why is that so bad?

ms ganthrope: do you think you’ll be successful, carter? or do you want to be washed up and jobless in your 20s while everyone else you know has a stable job? how will that help you? will you still be passionate about it when you’re constantly between jobs and working as a barista???? becoming a successful and famous actor, like i suspect you’re thinking you will turn out to be, will be as achievable as miss Coltrane’s dream job of being a politician.

carter: um what? i..... i never thought of that. maybe i will have to think about it. but what if I am successful though or whatever and don’t actually want to be famous and all that junk???

ms ganthrope: that ends our meeting today carter, want to meet next week?

carter: but, like, miss, you didn’t even answer my questions??? what does jenny got to do with this conversation?

ms. ganthrope: thanks mr. henderson, come back next week *looks down starts writing notes*

carter: *gets up to leave* well thanks, i guess, miss. *shrugs and walks out*

*end scene*

okay the above example is pretty awful, but you get my point, yeah? because a fair amount of interactions between usually a teenager expressing they’d like to be a actor/actress or do something in the arts, usually ran like this in any tv show etc, and it really pissed me off. like why must the kid who has in interest in being a writer/artist/actor etc always reassess/reevaluate their career aspirations, while the character who is always pitted against them is from a field in stem or education or whatever, as if those fields have more achievable career paths etc.... when nowadays literally nearly EVERYTHING requires a masters degree to look good and to be successful.

anyway, to get back on track. even years after I grew out of my interest in acting, i was finding this joke in kids media. for example, I went to watch Pixar’s inside out with my best friend’s mum back in 2015..... and we stayed to watch the end credits. during the end credits, they show you inside other people’s minds (not including Riley and her parents) and how their emotions worked for the lighthearted end of movie lols.

one mind they look into is that of like a 40 year old (let’s say) man, who, no surprises here, is literally the trope that I mentioned earlier. one of the guys “feelings” per se, even said something wryly along the lines of: “why did I even bother doing this? $40,000 & four years of drama school for this! ugh! I can’t believe I’m this washed up and dressed as a clown while doing it! I’m 40! well played, Dave, old buddy. well played.” my assumption is that it was meant to be some type of dark humour joke for the adults who go with their kids.... or like young adults who still watch Pixar movies (like myself at the time at 19/20 lmao).... and that they might try to rely on kids not staying to watch credits....

but like..... imagine being a kid, say aged 10 (ok im not sure what the main age demographic was/is for inside out, but im assuming it was/is like 5-12) hearing that joke for the first time in the end of a kids movie???? like what the fuck is that??? like why are studios putting these jokes in kids shows/movies anyway???? and telling kids that their aspiration of being a successful actor is a pipe dream????

like don’t get me wrong, i know being an actor (like a hugely successful one or even a moderately successful one) is a pipe dream for many many people, including myself, due to the realities of life not playing out like they wanted them to or like.... the money aspect of going to a good acting school being a hurdle (for example, i S T U P I D L Y wanted to go to the aussie version of Juilliard, in Sydney- the National Institute of Dramatic Arts (NIDA)... or where half of australia’s premier hollywood acting stars attended- which meant I had to move to sydney to be closer to it.... and then also pay for compulsory class trips throughout the course to LA/hollywood and London, for starters... both of which my family couldn’t afford even if I’d had financial aid..... like tell me chasing the dream of studying and pursuing the passion of acting ain’t just made for moderately well-off/rich kids lmao).... and a whole other set of factors that mean people can’t/don’t achieve their “dream” of being a “real” actor...

but with the above, what im mainly saying is that kids shouldn’t have “deadbeat actor” type jokes in their media... because I think it’s idk hurtful to always have your field of interest always put down and kinda shunned from the minute that you’re watching tv and movies.

like I’m not gonna lie, I did run with the “I’m gonna be a deadbeat broke actor” stereotype joke for a while in high school, because I thought it was funny af.... but after a while it wore me down.... mainly because it made me realise just what a shitty industry acting- and the whole entertainment industry in general- can be for some people.... when this is like the number one stereotype that people know (particularly) amateur actors as and for.

anyway yeah. I hope these jokes stop popping up in kids media sometime soon. like hell, we’re all in significant student debt etc etc, no matter what study field we’re in these days. stop pitting arts fields (and it’s actually bad in arts faculties as well; like with journalism/communications/acting departments vs arts departments like philosophy and English at my home uni where I did my undergrad) against fields in stem or law or even business majors as better things to study, when even people in those degree streams can struggle to find jobs in their desired fields. like we’re all struggling to find meaningful and stable graduate work out here y’all... not just acting students, christ. most of us will probably be washed up at 40 no matter field we’re in, in this godawful global captialist hellscape that is 2019 almost 2020.

lol here’s another rant.

[jiwonsssi]

— worth it.

It's always difficult to stay sane in relationships. Especially if it's about Eun Jiwon.

warnings: unprotected sex, oral sex (like a tiny attempt), swearing.

characters: Eun Jiwon, 'you'.

The thing is, Jiwon was never an easy task. To talk with, to work with, to live with, to date in general; he had always been able to find a topic to bicker about just as a part of his hobby. You were wondering everytime that happened; like, how one person can make so much noise? It's funny and cute most of the times; he didn't ever crossed a line. Never complaint about your cooking skills, or your clothes, style; appearance. Your way of life was also never a topic for his antics even when you were one hundred percent sure he had some troubles with accepting this or that.

He never meant to hurt you in any way; although he did. And it hurts like hell now. Because his 'I didn't say anything wrong' is the problem, not his words about something you don't even remember for now. Seeing you barely able to control tears and still continuing to step on what got you crying. He might be right a hundred times, but it didn't matter. It still doesn't and would never be. At least for you.

And when you leaved him, advising him to think about what he says, Jiwon was still sure that he did the right thing. He's really unpredictable sometimes, because heaven knows, it's the first time you realised just how stupid, stubborn and insensitive he could actually be.

So you didn't talk for, somehow, four days. And it broke your heart even more. He texted you once, but lowering your expectations and being okay with this treatment? Thank you, no. He's not busy now and you know it. And he knows where you are. It's not like he's not able to come to talk, to sort things out. At this point it's not about crying and complaining how he mistreated you and so on and so forth; it's about fighting him for greater good. Good old rage. At the first day, you cried like a bitch; fighting with him was never that harsh on you while you were never that sensitive. Just the whole situation, and stress, and him not paying attention to that. So if he would have been here then, it would be alright. You didn't even need his apologies, you just wanted to cry not in a pillow all alone, but in his shoulder. At the second day, you were a lot calmer. That's when the text happened and that 'you alright? im sorry' even made you uncertain in some way; but.. not so much. At the third day came alcohol and best friend, and they made everything so much easier. Maybe it helped because the whole evening you two were just playing games, without discussing anything. It surely cleared your head so now, at the forth day, you were certain in the fact that you want to show him just how angry you are.

- 'Im sorry', pff, you sure should be, - muttering it under your breath while trying to open the door in apartments when he lives, you tried to keep your mind clear. You really tried. But the thing is, you love him so much, that you totally not going to lose him over some fight when you two were just stressed out. And you love yourself enough to make him understand that that's not going to happen again.

- Why did you ignore me? - and here he stands, clearly just out of bed. It's not even a mid day, it's evening and he was sleeping. Not surprised. He looks like an angry bird with that messy hair and messed up shirt and pants. Yet you are here not to admire his sleepy cuteness.

- Hello, dear, - does your voice sound as pissed as you are? Kicking your shoes to the corner, you made your way past him. And he just continued staying in a doorway with his hands crossed on his chest and eyes scanning your every movement then following you into bedroom.

- Why? - he particulary screams this part, more like makes it long, loud and annoyed. He should be annoyed. Must be.

- That's all you have to say? - you continue almost throwing your papers in a document folder, trying your best to not to lose patience. And, somehow, cry. Out of anger and sadness, because now he's doing the same thing again and that shit hurts.

- Not really, - he comes closer, taking all of the documents from your hands and shaking it in front of your face, - But I don't think you are here to listen. Those fucking pieces of paper are the only things you care about!

- No, I-

- Shut up, please, I'm talking, - his tone is solid, serious and angry, and you barely saw him this worked up. But you still want to say what you have to say. Even tho he has rights to speak, - You know what I see most of the times when I come home? You, sleeping around the table or you, sleeping on a coach because you are so tired you barely able to walk to the bed. Am I right?

- Yeah, but..

- Still not finished, - he throws documents he holds to the floor, making it flowing in different directions and you want to kill him for that. You organized them for so long and he just threw it away like it was nothing. You don't realize how your face is changing because of it but he gets even more pissed, - See? You care more about work than about my speech. I told you one hundred, one million and billion times to stop overworking yourself. I believe in that you want to be the best, you want you career to be perfect, but I want you, only, fuck, only you, to be healthy.

You start to slowly realise what he is talking about. He's worrying about you. But yet still, there is a bubbling feeling in your chest you can't just forget about.

- And when you were hurt by my words, God, I wanted to comfort you more than anything, but you wouldn't understand any fucking thing because your brain only works when you are this angry, - he pokes your forehead with his finger and exhales slowly, closing his eyes, - I don't care about any of your achievements if you would continue killing yourself. I would never support that. And that's why I don't care about what you want to say, what excuse you want to make up. That's bullshit, I don't buy it, - Jiwon looks you directly in the eyes and the last time you saw him this serious.. you never had, to be honest, - And you can be angry with me for as long as you want to if that means you would understand what I mean.

Your anger has, well, just slightly calmed down. It's difficult to be angry when he is like that. You were lectured like a child and that's one of the very few times you felt his age authority. And he maybe even right. Pursuing your lips a little, you avoid his gaze for a few moments in order to put your thoughts together. You don't like being lectured and he's so calm now. And that is the most confusing about the whole fight. Does he really mean it? But!

- Aren't you trying to find more reasons to stay angry? It's all written on your face now, - Jiwon steps aside a little, stepping on one of the papers on the floor to test your limits. On his face. It's all written on his goddamned face.

- Stop it, - you move in his direction and he moves further back, making sure to stop on every fucking piece of every fucking document he finds on his way, - Stop!

- Then you stop taking extra work hours and bringing it home, - he puts special treatment to one of the contracts you were working on for the longest time and you know that you already ready to beg.

- But I can't! I need to, - you try to get on your knees to save maybe something, but give up on it when you see basically everything is damaged, - Oh fuck. I'm jobless now. God..

- I offered you a good deal without that shittyass boss who uses you like a conveyer, - paper cracks under him and you push oxygen out of your lungs with such a power that your head slightly spinning so you support your forehead with a palm. Jobless, for real.

Actually you don't know why are you not upset about it.

- I can't take it.

- Because it's a good deal? How thoughtful and logical, I love a smart girl!

- Shut up, you! - you throw a paper at him. Now he just annoys you. No anger. Pure hate.

- Get ready to a cheesy line, - he smirks and you roll your eyes fully aware of what he's going to say, - Make me.

And you do. You crash your lips on his, feeling his hands on your waist momentary. He pulls your incredibly close, enough for your sides to ache slightly in places he touches you.

- I missed you, - he murmurs into your lips, pushing you slightly to the bed until your legs touch it's border, without breaking constant contact between your bodiesand lips. You can tell that he smoked by the strong smell of cigarettes and bitter taste on the tip of your tongue. God, you love it.

- Me too, - biting his lower lip, you fully realise that is not going to be gentle. You can clearly see it in his eyes; he needs that stress to be gone. And you totally can relate.

You feel his lips moving down your neck, leaving small hickeys; the only thing he has patience to actually do. He's impatient and turned on; his hands are barely able to unzip your jeans but Jiwon does it with such a determination, you giggle.

And then he rips off the button, sucking on your skin so hard you jerk aside a little. No giggling. Understood.

- That was new and I'm jobless now. So, would you be my sugar daddy? That's what you wanted all along? - somehow you find a strenght to tease while feeling your head spinning when he pushes you to the bed. His face is priceless tho.

- You need to earn it, babygirl, - he smirks, looking at you from the top and slapping your tight roughly. You are not into that daddy thing and he never ever called you like that, but Jesus fucking Christ, that was hot as hell.

Jiwon takes off a shirt, when you particularly jump out of your pants and hoody. Now it's his time to smile because the determination on your face is precious.

Sex always starts with the hot, rough vibe and in the end you find him smiling like that and there is no way you can keep that mood.

- Jiwon, please, - you move closer to him, pushing your thighs into him, feeling his erection against your hip. Jiwon lets his hands roam your body, stopping near every damn piece of underwear you have on yourself and that's just rude.

- I thought it 'daddy' now, - he pushes his pelvis harder between your legs, making you squeak in front of him at the sudden friction. It's obvious that he's kidding, it's all in his shit-eating grin. Unbearable.

- You wish, old man, - you get on your elbows, before he's able to do anything, to grab him by the neck for a kiss. Sometimes he really needs to keep his mouth shut and that's the best way to do it. The kiss sends you on fire, he's crashing you against his body with full force, one of hands snake your waist firmly and other squeezes your ass to give it another light slap. You squirm, digging your nails into his shoulders and moan into the kiss, feeling him smirking.

- So you have a thing for old men then? - you basically roar with anger, tugging on his hair so hard, he hisses and slaps you harder this time. Almost a year of relationships with him taught you that it's better to just shup up now so you won't end up bickering for an hour.

He puts you on the bed again, after striping you out of your bra, howering on top and places short wet kisses everywhere he can manage to reach. You try your best to not to squirm like crazy, but fail obviously. With him grinding against you core, you're not sure how much longer you can wait. The feeling of him against your body is like addiction; addicting euphoria of which you would never be able to get rid of.

You've been angry with him for so long, yet now it's impossible to fight with him. You are gone for; surrendered without a battle. Cause you love him like that. Jiwon looks incredibly hot when he's serious and concentrated. You would never confess it to him; but his dominant side might have you on your knees, pleading for him, in seconds. He didn't even need to do anything.

He takes off your panties and you grasp on bed sheets with a loud moan when he's pushing one finger inside, adding the second right after, making you lose your breath for a while. He moves his hand fast, gently pinching one of your nipples with another, kissing that place right after. There is not a single thought in your head; just him. His lips, when he kisses you, swallowing small noises you make and the way he's circling your clit with his thumb. He builds sexual frustration in you methodical, knowing for sure what to do to make you cum. And he's extremely generous today.

Jiwon is quick to make his way down your body to settle between your legs. You don't fully realise what happened when you feel his tongue instead of his thumb, sucking you harshly, just the way you liked it. He brings you just what you need, just the way you like it. Tangling fingers in his hair, you push him closer, not caring to control your actions. As well as moans and everything else. Because, damn, he's tongue can send you on edge; in every way possible.

He curls his fingers, continuously pumping the same spot and you are done for in a moment. Feeling every nerve and muscle in your nody being tensed with anticipation, relief comes upon like a blessing and even tho Jiwon guiding you through your orgasm, you so fucking lost, you don't understand where you are for a second.

You feel him pulling away, mewling something at the loss of him and touches on extra sensitive skin. And he buries his head in a crook of your neck, placing small kisses over and over again while you try to calm your erratic breathing.

- Another one for me. Please, - his voice is so tensed, low, he particularly grunts it to your ear, kissing it gently, while lowering his pants and boxers, - Okay?

It's not like you are able to answer him when your head is still spinning anyway. He receives a shaky nod from you, kissing your lips shortly and furrows his brows, lining himself between your folds. You let a long, high-pitched sound escape on top of your lungs when you feel it; and you hear him sucking on his breath, pressing your foreheads together.

- Look at me, - you mess his hair even more and look him in the eyes; he is so beautiful. Just like that. Messy hair, sticking to his skin because of sweat and how he's worked up; how his lips parting slightly and brows furrows when he slides himself into you. And that pure bliss on his face when he starts moving inside. He feels amazing; God, the best you have ever felt.

And he thinks the absolute same about you.

Jiwon's heavy hot breathes stuck on your lips, you digging your nails in his shoulders lightly, when you feel the coiling in your stomach starts to boil exponentially all over again. Especially when he pulls you into erratic kiss, chasing your small moans with his lips. He's so hot, his skin radiates the warmth you are so used to, but now you feel like burning, when trapped beneath him. Jiwon still smells like cigarettes, slight aroma of his perfume that is imprinted on his skin now and something that you can't describe. Something, that makes him Jiwon you love; and being drowning in his scent, while he steadily pounds into you, murmuring something that you can't even understand - you wouldn't change it for anything.

You place a kiss under his jaw, right below his ear, fully aware of what it does to him. You feel chills running down your spine when he fastens the pace, squeezing your hip harder. You can't last forever, every brush against your extra sensitive now skin makes you squirm and he continues to brush that particular spot with his tip.

But never uncomfortable. He gave it to you nicely the first time, now he tortures you again. That's just how he likes you - when you are on the edge, but not able to do anything. He craves for your moans, for seeing you going crazy beneath him, for how you bite your lip or scratch his spine with your nails. He loves you like that. Like nothing in the world.

But he loves you better when you lose it. When your toes curl and you shut your eyes tightly, holding your breath for seconds while he thrusts into you harder, faster and you hold on him for dear life, releasing that one loud moan of relief in the end.

And he mixes it with his pleasure, when you kiss right below his lower lip; so gently, delicate while you pulse around him and squeeze him so tight it hurts and when releases deep inside, thrusting in you forcefully, losing his control.

That's how he likes it the best.

Hell, he could fuck you for hours. If he wasn't so exhausted after.

Because even containing himself and pushing himself off you, it's hella amount of work for which he has no strength.

- I love you, - you murmur it quietly in his temple, turning your head a little, because he just burrowed his face in your neck to calm down.

- Me too, - his voice sharp and raspy, he lifts his head up a little, kissing the tip of your nose and his smile is incredible. It's amazing how he changes after sex. Everytime. He just smiles fully yet so tender, looking at you with full adoration; you could forgive him everything. His kisses are so light you barely feel it, Jiwon leaves a kiss everywhere he sees a hickey and hugs you so delicate like you are made of glass.

- I missed you, - you giggle, when he blows on your neck and looks up at you, rolling to the side to pull himself out, - How are you able to be so sweet? That's impossible.

- You are always free to check that. Just saying, - he laughs, seeing your firstly confused than hella 'not disappointed and not surprised' face and pulls you into a bear hug, showering you with kisses so he could make you smile again.

Every nerve you lost on him is worth it.

[dakotasada]

hi!!!!!!!! i’m pea and this is dakota!!!!! this might be a bit of a mess because both me.... and dakota.... are a mess.... but whatever!!!!!! if you wanna like... plot or somethin then like message me or like this or reply or whatever you want! send me a carrier pigeon if you’re feelin it! anyways, dakota!!!!!!

dakota was born and raised in brooklyn, by her dad and older brother, as some kind of tag team system that shockingly worked. her mother abandoned them when dakota was 5, hell yeah abandonment issues!

even though her family was very distraught for a while after her mom left, they kept very strong and she would kill for her family if it meant it

thats all for the background now into the Current Day Stuff

her profession! she’s a professional hacker, and hacked for the CIA for a while, but she dropped out of that because Fuck No Babyyyy~ ( even though she still is a contact agent and will hack if it’s Very Important ) and went her own way!

which lead her to video game design and production as a sort of ~cover up job~ that she secretly loves. she’s designing her own indie game at the moment, and makes all the art for it as well as programming herself

she’s INCREDIBLY smart, she graduated as her schools valedictorian, and went on to study at columbia, which ended up boring her beyond belief, so she just dropped out.

after dropping out of college, she was sat there thinkin uhhhhhh..... what am i supposed to do now? she was eighteen, jobless, and degree-less. 

so she got a job at gamestop! she had to endure teenage boys telling her she was dumb for telling them that she preferred one system over another, it broke her a lil!

that just spurred her to make her /own/ games, and so she started taking programming classes. they were kinda boring though because what was she gonna do just programming. it had to be bigger.

through those classes, she met her hacking mentor! her mentor taught her Everything, he was even a part of the Anonymous hackers united thing, and from there she was Off!

she worked in DC for a while but she moved back to NYC to help pay the bills for her brother after he got outta college and got a job, which was where she stayed until she turned 21, and left the CIA formally.

once she was out of the Government loop, she decided that she needed to be somewhere else. so she moved to rosegold! she thought it could help provoke her inner game designer.

personality wise, she’s a bit of a mess. she’s incredibly obsessive over things, and she’s also very childish, so most of the time she’s obsessive over things that really shouldn’t matter at all.

she also is very private about her matters, which was something that she learned in the CIA mainly. she is shy in talking about herself and her past, but will gladly wring it out of other people.

um some connections? can  i get a hell yeah

they met!!!!!!!! thru gaming!!!!!!!! im very passionate about this one pls i just want a gaming friend that she is competitive with

she just wants friends tbh give her friends

ill write a formal connections page at some point but this is the best ur gonna get at the moment! srry fam

also i ahve a discord if uw anna like... hmu on that its chill

[viewofsal]

Alrighty. EFF IT- LIFE UPDATE POST!

Soooo a lot of good things have been happening in my life. I know from my posts I sound bitter, sad, heartbroken, blah blah but its been a rough time in my life and I’m finally understanding and accepting my life, my lessons, my blessings, my mistakes and experiences. *Someone told me recently my blog is very raw* but I like to keep it real and what not, plus no one knows me on here lol i have followers from all over the US to international countries as well. Also I feel like I haven’t done an “intro” about myself in a long time.. I think since I’ve started blogging so what the hell…. this is going to be long but hey whatever!

Intro!-

Hey guys! Im Salia Sheikh, 25 (old af, jk!), I look younger than my age (thanks to good genes lol), I am still in school, pursuing a career in Business. I love to read, write (duh I have a blog for a reason!), paint, work out, try new food, BIG FOOD JUNKIE, binge watch amazing shows on Netflix (bae for life), I love the color purple and blue. If school wasnt so damn expensive and I didnt have a timelime (being brown aint fun… sometimes) I would definitely get a degree in business of course, dermatology and psychology. I love learning new things and expanding my mind. I come off as a bitch sometimes to people because of the way my face can be… AKA RESTING BITCH FACE. But honestly its just me observing and understanding how people think and work. I know I am a weirdo but whatever! Humans are so freaking interesting. Oh did I mention I live in PNW!? Seattle. <3 Rain city lol. If I could live anywhere else it would be California, Chicago or New York. Anywho enough about me… lets get into the juicy stuff right?

This summer I had a lot going on! I was at the doctors a lot, i went through a lot exams for my breast cancer and it was a very rough time… but I got through it. Alhumdulillah I have such amazing friends and family to support me and were there for me. Along with that,  I went through a very harsh break up and I know that a few posts below this one I went off on my ex FJ, but in this post Im not going to bash on him or anything. Honestly…. my tumblr isnt made to bash on anyone. I wouldnt want to be talked about on the internet but sadly… it happens. So anyways, I went through a rough heart break that honestly I dont blame anyone but myself and because of this heartbreak I am beyond hard on myself with a lot of things but especially guarding my heart, my feelings and letting anyone in. I was told by someone that I wore my heart on my sleeve and that I took this relationship too seriously. Its true, I was madly and crazy in love with him but he wasnt. I would push and force him to make it work but when the other person doesnt see any solution or anything to fix it, you should really just back off Sally. One person cant do all the work, it becomes so draining. I literally have so much love to give but at the same time Im just kind of tired, exhausted, bitter and numb. Its weird because I just said Im full of love but at the same time a heart break really gets you guarded. But you know this was a lesson for myself, to not get ahead of yourself, dont have expectations and if you arent getting what you deserve please walk the fuck away, like ASAP. Just abort lol. Because at the end of the day as hurt as I was, I made myself go through hell because I chose to be like very stupid, LIKE VERY. But at the same time, I take it as a blessing in disguise in many ways and a lesson I would love to teach my daughters and possibly sons. Anywho… along with this I was in school UGH, but because I have a goal and I am so motivated I didnt let it affect my school at all. One thing I did do in the past was let such little things like this get in the way of my focus in school and at the end of the day my dreams and career will be right next to me but the person whos temporary will not be. I will not sacrifice my school for anything. This summer I went to Atlanta with all of my cousins and we had so much fun! And then I came back and attended another wedding. It was a lot of chaos but a lot of fun. I come from a very huge family on both sides, and if youre brown you know three day weddings are HECTIC AS HELL! But I gotta say it was a roller coaster type summer.

Once all of the wedding shenanigans were over and all of my cousins flew back to the East Coast and I started school again. After my break up I really started focusing on my mental health, focusing on school, having a better relationship with my parents (its been a rough road but alhumdulillah I am so blessed with such amazing parents. esp my mom helping me a lot through my break up and all .) I didnt even think about talking to any guys or whatever it was literally not even in my head because I was so focused on myself. But a little birdie out of the blue and into my life for a short time but a sweet time. HA is literally every brown girls dream man. A little white wash (EDM LOVER), knows urdu, deen, open minded, handsome as hell… and family orientated. OH AND TREATS A WOMAN RIGHT! Honestly my first impression was like “fuck boy. STRAIGHT UP F BOY! Cocky, too into himself, thinks hes better than anyone…” OH ALSO- didnt meet him off of dating apps lol, its called IG thats the new hook up spot jk! But when you actually talk to him and stuff omg… he is so different. I dont think I have laughed this much while talking to someone, he is so hilarious. He opened my mind to a lot of things that I didnt know about or he pushed me to see things differently, which I loved. When we started talking I was very upfront and blunt with him. As a brown girl I dont have the freedom to just get up and leave for a guy. Period. He understood that and accepted it. He told me he had no expectations. What I really liked about him was that he would always communicate, he was very honest and he was really respectful. When I say REALLY RESPECTFUL, like super. We were talking about our exes (no I didnt say bad shit lol) and he brought it up and he told me that his ex would everyday for six months since they were together would ask, “when are we getting engaged?” Not once did he say, omg shes bat shit crazy.. or annoying or whatever. He just said that much and he was like “you know I felt pressured and I wanted to explain myself why I broke up with her.” I mean if he wanted too he could made her the victim… but damn. Very kind. Not just that when he came here he was showing me a convo with this girl who was kind of mentally not there, and she would act weird its really hard to explain but he talked to her respectfully and was like “hey listen if you want to make friends you have – “ something along those lines. He was just really nice to her because he knew that something wasnt right with that girl at all. I mean I know a lot of people who would straight up just cuss her out… like without a doubt. I remember one time he asked me over FaceTime, “why are you waiting after you get your degree to get married?” I kind of just ignored it lol. But then one night he was with his cousins and cousin’s wife in DC and he FT’d me and all I heard was a girl yelling, “Who are you talking too!? Who is this bitch!?” And he goes “oh this is bae”, and after she saw me (without make up and my raspy voice at 12am lol) she was like “OMG SHES SO PRETTY and her voice is so cute! Shes such a good girl  being at home lol.” Then he goes, “Hani, ask her why she wont get married while being in school?” And she said, “look Im 23, still in CC and Im married, you can too.” I wasnt going to put anyone under the bus and be like “well arent you going to be rolling the dice on me!?” - (because someone said that once to me…) like I said, I dont bash on my ex at all. Even after that, he asked me again lol, “IF we were to get married why wont you get married, transfer your credits and stuff? You can work if you like but even if you dont its okay… just go to school. I gotchu bae.” Im just like “uhh…. wouldnt you want someone who has everything set?” He literally probably wanted to slap me for saying that and he was like “No… what am I here for?” Honestly he was so accepting of me, my past, my dreams, my goals, honestly everything. Even when he came here it was like I knew him from a long time ago, it wasnt causing me to have anxiety or feel scared. We laughed so much, watched so many shows and ate such amazing food. OMG. It was so good to be true, i mean we trusted each other, communication was there. He told me some things that really made me realize wow he is so freaking amazing… His brother doesnt have his AA or degree, his sister in law has her AA but he helps a lot around the house. Hes such a good son and omg, when I say more guys should be like him I MEAN IT.  He was suppose to be a police man lol but then he went back to school and took a few classes and became a consultant. He didnt have a stable job until he came back to VA. I mean he was on contract to contract and even jobless for a few months but he was so positive and happy, which is why I loved being around him. Whenever he would FT me, he would be around his cousins and they would always say, “H is so loyal and faithful, family orientated and he will treat you right.” like as if I didnt know that lol. But you know after he left something really unexpected happened and it wasnt in our control to save it. But it was no ones fault either, sometimes life does a plot twist on you when you least expect it but I had accepted the unexpected and like someone wise said (Jatin, this is your shoutout), “you cant compete with history.” It took me a while to understand but I definitely knew that he was always honest, communicated with me and he was amazing. We didnt really need closure but trust me the way we had closure was like I dont even need to talk about this again. Not every situation needs it but sometimes you need it. But you know, this was Gods way of showing me and saying, “Salia… dont lose faith in guys. There are good guys out there.” And you know, there are. But I dont want anyone right now. Im perfectly fine being single. Plus I am already a brat, sassy mc sassy… with me being a little numb sometimes… I think I have a lot to say sometimes and I have a strong personality lol, it would drive someone nuts. But Idk everytime I talk about HA my heart melts just a little because I was treated with so much respect and he would always tell me that I was a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. But sometimes good things dont last forever. I accepted it.

Along with losing him, I chose to cut off a friend who meant the world to me. She was like a little sister and a best friend. After going through so much in just a few months I realized what I want, who I want in my life and what Im going to do about it. I cant handle negativity… like AT ALL. Friends are suppose to support you, be happy for you and be there for you. This friend lol.. she wasnt there for me at all during my break up, i get it YOU DONT LIKE FJ but I need my girl to be there for me.. shit. I felt like she was jealous and trust me I aint hot shit… Im very like normal, pakistani, short girl… living life. But the vibe and the way she started acting about HA was weird. None of my best friends asked me questions like, “Did he kiss you?” like what…. thats not why he flew here for from VA…. But either way she was asking weird questions like, “was it just fun and games”- PAUSE! So I know Im 25, brown girls get the pressure once theyre in their 20s… But I am in no rush to get married and that is not because I dont have a degree- TO HELL WITH THAT. I can burn that shit and I would still be amazing. But like you dont talk to a guy and jump into the marriage topic, wth? HA and I had a very clear understanding that we are going to take baby steps, no telling parents, siblings, whatever… no labels. TAKE IT SLOW. But either way she was just a total bitch. She loves saying, “I told you so.” Either way I had enough of her, her nazar (evil eye) and negativity. Like I dont need that… I need to be around people who support me, love me and dont bash on my ass. I love my circle small and ever since I cut her off of my life, I am doing so much better because I dont have a gun to my head. It wasn’t even over a guy that I ended our friendship… it was because she wasn’t a good friend and she was jealous. She was never truly happy for me about anything. She envied the relationship I have with my mom and would always be like oh your mom was okay with that? Isk just very weird vibes…. I really wish that she changes her way of approach and what not. No guy is going to love a girl who expects so much and no girl is going to be with a friend who is so judgemental as fuck. Period. I never cuss any of my girlfriends out ever. But she really pissed me off and I felt judged and like a hoe. I really dont need that, thanks anyways.

Now that I got that out of my way, like I said earlier… I have been working on myself. I started going to the gym but its been a while because of school and working a ton of hours. But now that I am on break I am going to go back to the gym, start reading my book- EVERYONE MUST READ “You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life“- literally eye opening and so funny! It has changed my life. Reading really does help with your knowledge and growing as a person. If anyone knows any good reads, please drop me a message! :) Im also going to start reading the Quran but in English translation because I really want to know what Im reading and what the Quran is saying, I just want to self educate myself and know about my religion, I am not religious at all… but one thing I do want to start doing is praying and being connected with Allah. I think having a spiritual connection is so good for the mind and soul.

As I was turning 25 I was thinking a lot about myself, my past and my future. I am a thinker but I also love testing myself. When I was 23 going to 24 I was a very weak person. I was fragile and sensitive to a lot of things. I didnt have thick skin at all. I will admit that and I was little a push over. I lost myself at the age of 23, I had a stalker who ruined my life. I never had anxiety my whole life… I took everything like it was nothing. But after dealing with that… it made me weak. I wasnt the Salia that everyone knew. But now that Im past it, I went through some tough stuff in 2017… it made me wiser, smarter, grateful and stronger.  I dont get affected by anything lately… and I was very hesitant to post this but its my blog, my page and I will do whatever to it. Plus I love to write. I feel like a lot has happened but I have been just writing bits and pieces here and there. But I guess I thought I would write something its been a while. lol.

ALSO- Im flying out to Arizona next week for the weekend and I am so excited! to celebrate and have a vacation and to be not dealing with school for a month! Hell yaaaaaa. *THIS WAS MY FAV LIFE UPDATE IN THIS LONGGGGGG POST*

Okay guys… its 1246am here! Im off to bed. Have fun reading this, judging this, whatever you want :D