#im also afraid of driving people away cause im too much to handle? idk if i am but i feel like id burden

[hazey-moonlight]

Body is telling me to rest and I'll listen to it.

but I feel guilty cause I feel like I should be doing more. Im fortunate enough that I'm allowed to rest and I understand how that can be a privilege. Doesn't stop me from beating myself up cause Im afraid ppl will think I'm "lazy" or that I start to believe that I am.

I gotta remind myself that it's not my fault , I have illnesses and disabilities, perhaps invisible on the outside but still there. I feel like I'm faking it or I'm not disabled enough all those intrusive thoughts.

Then I'm reminded by being hit hard with a flair up because I decided I don't need rest and I should be productive. I'm afraid I'm burdening everyone. And I know this way of thinking is bad also! Cause then I've gotta factor in other disable folk and me beating myself up isn't fair cause others have it " worse" and what I say about me can be offensive to others like me. And I don't think these things about them and I don't think their a burden so why am I still beating myself up? Y'know? I think a lotta people know this feeling and thoughts.

Anyways I'm gonna rest cause my body is MAKING me now.

I'm feeling calm and slightly better now that I'm lying down.

[tiny-katara]

i still have more proof that taylor swift is a zutara shipper. there is so much and @burst-of-iridescent had some i hadn't even thought about and they were so good??? amazing job i loved that post, but this is like part 3 lol and it was going to end there but 16 songs was too long and so 8 are here and 8 are on the next :)

also shout out to @coneyluke for inspiring all of these!!!

"part 1" | "part 2" | "part 4"

Love Story

"That you were Romeo, you were throwin' pebble/And my daddy said, 'Stay away from Juliet'/And I was cryin' on the staircase/Beggin' you, 'Please don't go'"

this sounds like a no war/war ended early au where ozai is still nasty and probably racist and all that fire nation supremacy garbage but zuko just thinks katara is just the prettiest person ever and can't let it go.

"Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone/I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run/You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess/It's a love story, baby, just say, 'Yes'"

katara does not care what people think and is like "c'mon zuko let's go forget about thlse losers" and he's like "you know that's a good point" and then they... spar idk. it's also got that "i'd drop everything for you" and that's so on brand. i don't think i need to remind anyone here that the lightning exists. also katara pulling a sokka. "you know where i come from im kind of like a princess myself"

"We keep quiet, 'cause we're dead if they knew/So close your eyes/Escape this town for a little while"

ozai is not happy and zuko is afraid but don't worry katara is a master waterbender. they would just sit and daydream tho i think.

"'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter "

i see your "scarlet letter is katara" and raise you "zuko is the scarlet letter bc fire" or whatever, but maybe they can both be the letter im fine with that

"Romeo, save me, they're tryna tell me how to feel/This love is difficult, but it's real/Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess"

i can totally see zuko freaking out about all of the drama that comes with stupid ppl not realizing how iconic katara is bc that is also very zutara of taylor. and also no one can truly tear zutara apart and they do always make it out the messes <3

You Belong With Me

"You're on the phone with your girlfriend, she's upset/She's going off about something that you said/'Cause she doesn't get your humor like I do"

i mean no hate to m/ai buuuuut... she is upset a lot and that does fit. katara and mai handle zuko very differently, but m/ai's anger/upset-ness seems to mostly come out when she and zuko are having a spat. m/ai and zuko also dont get each other in general-- not just the humor thing. it reminds me of when sneezy reviews put this section in her zutara video with a lot of fancy words that basically boil down to "she doesn't get your need to free the world from your father like i do" so like... yessss zutara understanding each other that's like a good chunk of the appeal (for me at least).

"And she'll never know your story like I do"

same kind of concept as before, but scar. catacombs and scar touching/understanding scar absolute classic zutara.

"If you could see that I'm the one/Who understands you/Been here all along/So, why can't you see?/You belong with me"

i mean... just sayin'. zuko can be a bit of an oblivious airhead sometimes (we love that about him tho).

"And you've got a smile/That can light up this whole town/I haven't seen it in a while/Since she brought you down/You say you're fine, I know you better than that/Hey, what you doing with a girl like that?"

again, m/ai and zuko don't get each other and katara is not having it bc she does get zuko and she is very conveniently in love with him if he would just use his brain and notice.

"Oh, I remember you driving to my house/In the middle of the night/I'm the one who makes you laugh/When you know you're 'bout to cry/And I know your favorite songs/And you tell me 'bout your dreams/Think I know where you belong/Think I know it's with me"

again we got our girl katara saying "buddy i understand you and can give you mutual care you deserve bc you're wonderful" and also the night driving gives nightmare comfort and oh no they accidentally fell asleep together and that's very good zutara energy and coincidentally one of my favorite tropes.

Come Back... Be Here

"You said it in a simple way/4:00 a.m. the second day/How strange that I don't know you at all/Stumbled through the long goodbye/One last kiss, then catch your flight/Right when I was just about to fall"

this has post-war teenage zutara. they've just kind of had their "i might like you" moment and they're saying their goodbyes and we get another southern raiders like hug and katara is off to rebuild her home with her family and they're teetering on the edge of something, but split.

"I told myself, don't get attached/But in my mind, I play it back/Spinning faster than the plane that took you"

and like once the adrenaline of being home and the war being over and everything wears off, they're just thinking about each other...

"And this is when the feeling sinks in/I don't wanna miss you like this"

...and then they have that "oh no i might be in love with them"

"I don't wanna need you this way/Come back, be here"

zuko is just wishing he'd asked katara to stay or come back or just something. he thinks about her all the time and he knows that katara would be able to help him with all of the chaos and finding his mom and he just suddenly is in desperate need of her and is fighting that need with all he's got.

katara is working hard in the south pole and she's kind of stuck doing what she was before, and she has a while to spend thinking and (ofc) she's thinking about zuko and how they would do chores on ember island together. they shared the burden and she wonders how he's doing bc she's feeling overloaded and somehow underwhelmed at the same time and needs zuko's help.

"Taxi cabs and busy streets/That never bring you back to me/I can't help but wish you took me with you"

trade is increasing between the nations and zuko always races down to the docks at top speed when he spots the water tribe ships, but it's never what he hoped for and he knows it's stupid to keep doing, but he just does it. katara sees the ships return and leave and considers hopping on one every day. she's wishing she'd stayed with zuko.

"This is falling in love in the cruelest way/This is falling for you and you are worlds away/In New York, be here/But you're in London, and I break down/'Cause it's not fair that you're not around"

i mean... kinda makes sense if you've read the whole thing but they're just slowly appreciating the other more and more and falling in love and suffering bc they're not together, but one katara decides she's had enough and low-key hijacks a ship, bends it there at top speed. zuko watches it pull in at a really strange hour and does his whole dashing to the docks routine, and katara is there!!! and they hug and stuff but then she passes out bc she was doing some pretty intense waterbending. and then it's happily ever after bc i say so <3

Enchanted

"Your eyes whispered, 'Have we met?'/'Cross the room your silhouette/Starts to make its way to me/The playful conversation starts/Counter all your quick remarks/Like passing notes in secrecy"

did someone say... oma and shu reincarnation au??? if they didn't, i did bc look they just click they get each other. zutara understanding is immediate but like... then zuko makes a bad choice but like it is crazy how quickly they identify what's making the other upset and respond appropriately. very reincarnation of them.

"This is me praying that/This was the very first page/Not where the story line ends/My thoughts will echo your name, until I see you again/These are the words I held back, as I was leaving too soon/I was enchanted to meet you/Please don't be in love with someone else/Please don't have somebody waiting on you"

this feels like the betrayal part of the au where they're having a crisis bc zuko made dumb choice and he's like "i wanna go back this is not what i wanted" and katara is just like "i wanna see you again but also i hate you how dare you this is so complicated don't date knife girl" or something like that.

Out of the Woods

"Looking at it now/Last December/(Last December)/We were built to fall apart/Then fall back together"

catacombs to the southern raiders??? post war zutara?!?! either one is good with me.

"Ooh, your necklace hanging from my neck/The night we couldn't quite forget/When we decided, we decided/To move the furniture so we could dance/Baby, like we stood a chance/Two paper airplanes flying, flying, flying"

zutara + necklace = important!!! zuko holding onto katara's energy kinda thing and this might be a little dumb but like the furniture reminds me of their differences and setting them aside to be together.

"Remember when we couldn't take the heat?/I walked out, I said "I'm setting you free"/But the monsters turned out to be just trees/When the sun came up you were looking at me"

the heat you say? i do know a firebender in this relationship... but "setting katara free" feels very on brand zutara to me bc he doesn't want her to get all mixed up in the fire nation drama but katara is not having it and beats everyone up or something and then she's looking at him and then it's all good! (probably)

Begin Again

"He didn't like it when I wore high heels/But I do"

kata*ng right after the war. aang is still short and gets a little fussy when katara wore heels to be taller.

"Turn the lock and put my headphones on/He always said he didn't get this song/But I do, I do"

a*ng just not getting katara. he doesn't get her songs like he doesn't understand her.

"Walked in expecting you'd be late/But you got here early and you stand and wave"

a*ng was always late but now our boy zuko is here!!! and zuko feels like a punctual guy to me personally, so if you wanna avoid this part, valid.

"You pull my chair out and help me in/And you don't know how nice that is/But I do"

reminds me of zuko just casually doing stuff around camp to help and not thinking about it but katara can't stop thinking about it. A*ang isn't bad, he just doesn't think to pull the chair out to ease katara's burdens.

"I've been spending the last eight months/Thinking all love ever does/Is break and burn, and end/But on a Wednesday in a cafe/I watched it begin again"

kata*ng ends. katara thinks that she blew it with the avatar and she's stupid for dumping him but she knew she had to do it (like the back of her hand you might say). she thinks it's over and she can't do better, but she and zuko fall in love and suddenly she can see everything clearing up.

"And we walked down the block, to my car/And I almost brought him up/But you start to talk about the movies/That your family watches every single Christmas/And I want to talk about that/And for the first time/What's past is past"

katara almost talks about a*ng the ex but zuko is telling her about his mother and his old traditions with her, like the turtleneck pond and katara doesn't even want to talk about the avatar ex situation anymore bc she and zuko have missing moms to bond over.

Run

"And my so-called friends, they don't know/I'd drive away before I let you go"

zutara is pretty much canonically the ride or die type of relationship and i really don't think the gaang truly knows how ride or die they are.

"There's a chain 'round your throat, piece of paper where I wrote/'I'll wait for you'"

zuko was chillin in the fire nation until katara returns and he sent her a little notes while she was gone about how he missed her but was sure it would be worth the wait. katara is shook and her cheeks turn pink.

"And run, like you'd run from the law/Darling, let's run/Run from it all/We can go where our eyes can take us/Go where no one else is, run"

zutara knows all about running from the law lol. they are professionals they can get in anywhere like the sneaky little criminals they are. but again, this has their ride or die energy. they don't care what anyone else says because they love each other and that's what matters.

"I could see this view a hundred times/Pale blue sky reflected in your eyes"

blue eyes. that's it.

"There's a heart on your sleeve/I'll take it when I leave/And hold it for you"

they're not subtle. we all saw the lightning. their hearts are definitely on their sleeves if not the entire shirt.

"There's been this hole in my heart/This thing was a shot in the dark/Say you'll never let 'em tear us apart/And I'll hold onto you while we run"

zuko's always had a hole in his heart and the gaang helps to fix it-- especially katara. zuko is loved and the hole is gone <3. and again, zutara is all about staying together despite it all.

Long Live

"We were the kings and the queens/And they read off our names/The night you danced like you knew/Our lives would never be the same"

end of the war when zuko is the fire lord and you know what katara 100% counts as the one who beat azula. i can see zuko and katara dancing after the war at a like celebration before she goes home and talking about how different everything is now.

"You held your head like a hero/On a history book page/It was the end of a decade/But the start of an age"

i don't really know what to even say just look at zuko at his coronation. he is ending the war and starting a new age. that's not strictly zutara but idc. zuko is very important lol.

"Long live the walls we crashed through/How the kingdom lights shined just for me and you/I was screaming long live all the magic we made/And bring on all the pretenders/One day, we will be remembered"

zutara winning the war and then fire nation party for besting azula and they're just generally celebrating. they've won and will go down in history.

"And the cynics were outraged/Screaming, 'This is absurd!' 'Cause for a moment a band of thieves/In ripped-up jeans got to rule the world"

this has the energy of people arguing about who is supposed go rule the fire nation and some are just aghast at the concept of fire lord katara.

"Long live all the mountains we moved/I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you/I was screaming long live that look on your face"

again the gaang ended a war that is a mountain moved. and also azula counts as a dragon i have decided and it is the truth now you can't take it back.

"Will you take a moment/Promise me this/That you'll stand by me forever"

zutara!!! forever!!! like we deserved.

"But if God forbid fate should step in/And force us into a goodbye/If you have children some day/When they point to the pictures/Please tell them my name"

this could be so tragic with the canon implications where they get split after the lightning/healing and put with their other partners and rarely see/interact with each other. just telling them about the other and-- it's killing me.

"Tell them how the crowds went wild/Tell them how I hope they shine"

they both would wish each other's children goodwill if they were forced apart. imagine them telling their children about the agni kai and trying not to get lost in that moment and those feelings bc even when they've greyed they're still just as strong and know they'd do it again if they had to.

[night-springs]

MARY idk if uve talked abt this before but what was violets relationship w/ julius like?? im super curious

KDSFHSDKF MICAH im so excited to talk abt this oh my god tysm….. also im so fucking sorry this took so long, i had way too much to say about it… ok so for context, violets canon playthrough order is vice kings > carnales > rollerz

…also, since its super obvious when reading this, i always wanted julius’ seemingly blatant distaste for johnny to have come into play in some form at like… any point in the series really. but since volition never went anywhere with it im taking it into my own lil gremlin hands

(background to this interpretation of julius)

in a word it was.. complicated. they were never close. when they met, julius was just looking for more recruits, the saints needed all the help they could get, but he thought he saw something in that skinny, terrified kid when him and troy saved her from being caught in the middle of a turf war. plus the kid owed him a life debt, and that aint a bad thing to have in his position. but, to violet… sure his speech about taking back the city to “save lives” was nice and all, but its not why she joined. she was homeless, starving, had nowhere to go and no options. she didnt even really have to think about the offer, becoming a saint just made sense. it was a step towards something, even if she didnt know exactly what it was, and so violet showed up in the churchyard the very next morning

from julius’ pov, violet took to fighting like a fish to water. capable, willing to do whatever it took, never talked back or questioned orders, and owed him their loyalty? to be honest she was basically the perfect little soldier. he thought this kid had a serious chance of being one of their key members… and he wasnt wrong. but in truth violet was terrified. when troy took her to buy a gun and had her kill someone for the first time with it, she managed to keep it together until she dropped him off and he was just out of sight. then she vomited all over the passengers seat of the car. the constant terror made it hard for her to sleep at night. a broken nose, bloody bandages over cuts from close calls with stray bullets, too many bruises to count and it didnt take long for her knuckles to become more scars than skin. for a while she was arguably more of a wreck than she was before she joined up

but at the same time, joining up improved things for violet. before this shed been sleeping in an alleyway, but now at night she could sleep in the church, and the other saints were friendly to her. then, when she got her first share of money? she went and bought herself a full meal and almost cried on the spot. soon, after pocketing as much cash as she could from dead rival gangsters wallets, she saved enough to get a loft right in saints row, and it was a shitty one, but she didnt fucking care. she loved that loft. from her point of view, julius was giving her the chance to save her own life. all she had to do in return was kill people for him. and she rationalized it to herself that way. if she had to kill other people to survive, then so be it

….and then violet began to realize how much of an adrenaline junkie she is, and holy fuck did she love to fight. if she had an opportunity to ditch the gun and just go in with a bat or even just her fists, she took it. the rush of risking her life became something she thought was fun. plus the respect she got as a saint? people were afraid of her, and she had anyone wearing purple on her side. the thrill, the power, the money, the loyalty… without her even really realizing it, running with gangs went from a means to an end to something that she enjoyed. but this change happens slowly, over the course of taking over stilwater. in truth, julius’ betrayal was what finally tipped her all the way

julius starts to hate her before they even finish off the vice kings. hed assigned her to helping out gat first, thinking even if dex was overseeing everything, their youngest lieutenant would need someone who could handle it if one of his crazy plans went south. but the trail of carnage and destruction violet and johnny left behind was the exact opposite of what julius wanted. he thought itd be over once the VKs were finished and he could assign violet to working with another (more stable) lieutenant, but after gat had taken that shotgun blast to the knee to help the kid escape and shed gone in alone to save him, the two were practically attached at the hip. the kid would follow gat around like a lost puppy, and the only person johnny spent more time with than violet was his girlfriend. then, once tanya was dead, he overhears a rumor that the supposedly mute kid could not only talk, but she would only speak to johnny or aisha. apparently gat had gone asking around if the kid had spoken to anyone else before him, and thats how everyone found out (gat was slightly offended when he found out violet spoke to aisha first, long before vi made that horrible hepatitis joke to him, and aisha had been keeping it a secret for her)

julius had never liked gat, he didnt care about ending the gang wars and was only there because he was bloodthirsty and lived for violence. and now he and the kid julius was becoming increasingly cautious of were feeding off of each others recklessness. not only were those two a volatile mix, but it seemed like julius was losing control of playa because of it… and that was bad news for him

johnnys sidelined, and banned from helping with any moves against the carnales and rollerz. julius told him it was because of his injury, which they both knew was a bullshit reason; hed been fucking up the vice kings just fine even with his messed up knee. gat did not take it well, and there was a shouting match that violet walked in on. vi was upset of course, her and gat were friends now and she liked running missions with him, but she wasnt going to argue. even if playa didnt understand julius’ decision, she didnt question him, but there was a lot of tension between johnny and julius after that, especially when it seemed like julius was actively trying to keep vi and johnny away from each other. anytime theyd hang out at the church, if julius saw them together you could feel the tension fill up the room, and more often than not hed just send violet out with some bullshit orders. the two quickly learned to hang out away from the church after that

by the time the carnales are history and theyre gunning for the rollerz, julius knows how badly he fucked up. thinking he could start a new gang, and control it? he was naive. theyd taken over almost all of stilwater, but at what cost? how much of the city had they destroyed along the way? and at the center of all that carnage was violet. the more of the city they take over because of her, the more disgusted she makes julius. he needed to stop the saints, stop her, but he has to do it carefully. if anyone realized it, or that he was trying to get playa killed, the gang would turn on him in an instant. the rest of the saints idolize playa, and they all know shes a big part of the reason for their success. if anything happened to julius, the gang would rally around violet, and he knows it

at first he was just sending her into risky situations because of the faith he had in her, but for a while now hed been sending her on straight up suicidal tasks on purpose, hoping someone would finally just take her out before she caused any more harm or became even more of a problem. but she just keeps coming back. doesnt matter if its just her against an entire stronghold of god knows how many seasoned gang members, shell walk out only a little worse for wear. julius starts to wonder just how terrifying this kid is, and all the while violet never even notices that julius is doing this, shes just doing what shes told. hes all praise whenever they speak, trying to keep her placated. troy notices the risks julius always seems to take with violet, but he just thinks julius is putting too much faith in the kid and driving her too hard. he starts trying to look after vi in his own ways to make up for it (thats how they become friends) but he never realizes julius’ true intentions until its far too late

vi and lin are flying solo now, with almost no help from the other lieutenants. julius makes it look like hes putting more faith in violet, no more kid gloves. of course vi and lin get in over their heads like that, and when lin gets killed and vi ends up in the hospital, julius wishes to god that she had just drowned in the river with lin

and then, soon after, its done. the vice kings, the carnales, the rollerz, theyre all a memory. the saints own the whole damn city, or whatevers left of it. and then julius gets arrested, and he finds out troy is a cop, and julius knows its all over…. but troy offers him a deal: get johnny and playa out, and he can walk. he gets the idea right there, to kill violet himself. theres no way shes going to stop, and julius knows it

violet knew driving over to the dock that she was walking into a trap, but if it was to get julius back, it didnt really matter. shed already murdered a major public figure and the chief of police trying to get him back, shooting her way out of another situation almost seemed pretty fuckin mild at that point. so it doesnt surprise her when hughes’ men surround her; no, what does surprise her is the sudden loud beeping, the confused look on hughes face, and something in her gut screaming at her to run. whether it was the wall of henchmen between her and the explosion, or the split second before the bomb went off that she used to rush forward and leap just over the railing that saved her life there, shes never sure. maybe it was both. either way, the burns scarring her back for the rest of her life show she didnt get off scot-free

five years later, and within 24 hours of waking up and breaking out of prison, shes already visited the police station and listened to the tapes. and once shes heard them, violet is seething. she did EVERYTHING for julius, became a murderer, risked her life, followed all his orders without question! and he took five years of her life away! tried to take all of it away! something in her just snaps, and she sets up the meeting with dex that same night

julius thought hed be meeting up with dex, but in truth he isnt surprised to see violet instead; hed been dreading the possibility of this day since he first learned that shed survived the explosion. but even so, even after what he did, it quickly becomes obvious that julius genuinely doesnt believe that violet will follow through with payback. and violet is livid, feels like somebody hollowed her insides out and theres nothing but anger under her skin anymore. despite everything he doesnt know her at all, still thinks shes this loyal little teenager who will do whatever shes told. a dog on a leash, because he never learned that she could be more than that, that she was more than that

and then, hearing him hold himself over her? violet knows who she is and whats she done, shes under no illusions about that. but hearing julius somehow think hes the good guy, that hes morally better than her after everything he did, everything he ordered her to do… it adds a whole new level of hatred. not to even mention how he tries to leverage saving her life over her again, after shed MORE than paid back that debt. thats the last straw, and she kills him. never regrets that choice for a single second for the rest of her life

after that, violets just… angry. shes like that for years. julius took everything good she ever had away from her, and every person she kills is another “fuck you” to his memory. gang member, cop, civilian, she doesnt care anymore. julius wanted to save the city from her? good. shell burn the whole fucking thing down just to spite him

she doesnt get over that for a long time

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

Fuckin Shit Show

That fucking happy ass unicorn that I thought looked like Jay, fucking tricked me. Fucking Clown.

I thought that since she just asked and was still being nice, pleasant, and communicative with me about spending time together then it meant that there's no way she was just tryna use me and be manipulative....noooo

The fucking happy ass unicorn told me that she wouldn't get angry if I was to end things with her just because of distance.

The true culprit mark was when I said "Lies, we both would" assuming she cared about me and was attached like she said she was and I was too. I thought it was safe to attach to her because she was happy and was saying she already could see us moving in together.

Red Flag: this was day 4 of us just talking and I knew it had been a whole fucking year since I had any type of romantic attraction to somebody and I was put my cards in too deep, thinking she was really here for me. I got caught up. And that was my bad.

I assumed since she said she was autistic, had all this trauma she told me about, and was waiting on disability to approve her or not...I thought why not? But I tried to break it off by saying we could be just friends, because overall...I couldn't see myself marrying someone who didn't want kids, was really pushy about speeding up the courting phase so we could start dating ASAP Rocky (also red flag) and then another thing...I was dead sure I wasn't ready to come out to my parents and tell them that the person I was thinking about living with and dating within less than a year, was actually a transfemme who's suicidal, a former drug and alcohol rehab patient, has depression and anxiety, scoliosis, and had been assaulted multiple times, so they have ptsd and paranoia, and sometimes can not go to sleep at all because of what happened to them.

Its like I felt so bad for this girl, plus she had things that I haven't found in common with other people. Our love languages were similar, we both had anxiety, hyper sexuality, and separation anxiety from dealing with childhood trauma. She was also kicked out and had got into with her mom, which she has cut off connection with because she did allootttt of awful shit to her....wayyyy worse than my mom. There was sexual, mental, emotional, and physical abuse, she was an alcohol bully towards her to make her get drunk early, ran her over, she was absolute fucked up mother to have. Crazy psychopath.

She said she wouldn't tell anyone her trauma unless we were actually dating which was fine. But I guess me telling her what happened to me with my mom and me getting kicked out, reminded her of her mother. We both are bipolar and have bipolar moms. So it felt great but also sad that we had to go through those hardships just for us to bond.

And she was into buds, video games, and some of my sexual interests. Yea if she wasn't a manipulative, angst who wanted to basically get back to living in an apartment with any black girl they found on the internet who would agree to doing that....living with each other and dating each other within less than a week....

She probably would have fell in love all over again. Cause lets be real if I found out the woman I dated for a year, lived with and fell in love with passed and I'm 4 months later single, horny, and missing her...of course I would be desperate if I couldn't talk to my family like that and had to live with my grandparents.....Athena wanted out of her living situation and wanted to get back to what she had with somebody else she loved.

I told her my rule for myself is to not move in with somebody unless I'm serious about being with them long term and its been a year or more of dating. Like only if I could see myself marrying you, then yea we living together. Athena didn't like that.

But you gotta be smart with dating and I'm glad I put my foot down and didn't just do whatever she said just because she had been through so much shit and now couldn't even afford to live her own life.

Bad example of what I would want to live with though...she doesn't plan on learning how to drive like I am, she doesn't want to pursue a serious career at home, and she thinks that just paying for the food with her eat card would help handle the utilities and cable and internet and cellphone bills that I would probably have to pay for....since she's still waiting on Disability to approve her after they told her she gotta wait "six months" to start getting in money.

I think us both sexting each other cause we were really starting to feel each other on THE 2ND DAY must have really teased her about us waiting to have sex. Because she did say, I should be on birth control in case we do start having sex. I wanted to, too, but looking back it would have been more hot if we could have done it raw...so maybe thats why I agreed and actually scheduled a gynecologist appointment

AND WTFFF IVE BEEN SCARED TO GO THE OBGYN FOR YEARS AND SHE MADE ME FEEL LIKE I WAS DOING THIS TO SAVE OUR RELATIONSHIP, AND WE WEREN'T EVEN TOGETHER YET!!!

WTF. So my dumbass is still going, its scheduled in October, and no I don't want to go cause I don't like strangers fisting and discovery channeling my pussy like that unless I'm getting a gold medal or a lollipop after. Les just be honest...IM AFRAID I MIGHT CUM FROM EXCITEMENT AND NERVOUSNESS IF SHE HITS THE RIGHT SPOT AND THEN MY PUSSY IS GONNA GRIP THE DOC'S HAND,

I WONT BE ABLE TO LET GO BECAUSE MY PUSSY IS ALREADY TIGHT AND IM LEAKING EVERYWHERE

SORRRY but this is exactly why I don't want a guy doctor inside of me for a visit, but then again I gotta find a female I wouldn't be sexually attracted to, but nice looking enough to where she's friendly and gentle with me. Cause Im sensitive and I clench up down there when I get scared.

But yea, I called Athena a fake ass for that reason, cause after the rose colored glasses...and having me think she would really wait a year for me in order for us to move in, she definitely lied about that too. Cause she said yes and that she be willing to do anything to make it work long distance until we got to that point.

And as soon as I mentioned living together would be a step towards marriage, me possibly being bipolar just like her because I sometimes have anger issues, and then me saying I wish you lived closer...

Must have triggered her autism and her ptsd flags about her mom...

Idk, but yea I fell for it, but at the same time it was because she was too good to be true in comparison from the Jay I just ran away from...and its been a year....but it still feels like I just left 2-3 months ago. And that's so weird to me.

Athena. Scam. Mentally Psychotic. But aye, crazy attracts crazy...

[wasabi-duck]

romeo - namjoon

idk how to label this because romeo and juliet is obviously Straight so like im just calling it romeo namjoon so i hope you enjoy!! again, it’s gender neutral so!!

hey people i submitted all my college apps so i think i can maybe try harder with this blog

okay so for this au!! you and namjoon are fated to be together

the kim family is really really prominent in society today

not so much political or social, but economically-speaking they’re one of the top players across the board

his family controls the shipping market, whether it be post, or air, or sea

they control it all

almost everything goes through the kim family shipping industry if it isn’t public post

and that’s just the domestic market, they also do a whole ton of international business too, and have a presence all across the globe- from china, to the usa, to germany

growing up, namjoon knew that he was going to inherit the business

his entire life his family prepped him for the business, whether it be training in how to be polite and diplomatic, to going to the most prestigious schools in the country to make sure that he was over and beyond when it came to areas like economics and maths

namjoon’s entire existence revolved around being the heir for the powerful kim business, and it was almost like he wasn’t allowed to exist

he was there for the money, the power, the glory

never for himself

he always lived in the shadow of his parents, or the business

as he got older, things got worse

because more expectations were pushed on him, and suddenly the 97 in differential equations wasn’t good enough, he needed 100

and days where he used to sit in his room, messing around with a music program on his computer… he now needs to force himself to meet anyone and everyone who might have some relation to his future in the business world, half of them who are over the age of like… seventy-two

and as he got older, things also got worse because of well…

you

well, not exactly you, but your family

your family runs the most well-known media outlet in the country

and that’s just a nice way to put it

you guys are basically the paparazzi, and although there are other, smaller groups around, none of them compare to your family

seeing as how the kims are the most influential people in the shipping business, and some of the most powerful people in the business playing field, so your basically always trailing them wherever they go

it’s never a role that you wanted to be a part of

you always wanted to be a normal kid, with a normal life

but you remember one of your first gifts being a camera, and not like a cute lil baby camera, but a nice, expensive one

and you were like anyway i was like five but…

so your entire life you’ve been told that the most important goal is to find the truth, no matter what the cost

but your family definitely stretched that a bit, and you can’t help but think they invade to many private lives just to get a story, just to find anything that will make the public go absolutely wild

because of this, you’ve run into namjoon more than a few times

never personally, and never to chit-chat, but simply because you were on the scene, your camera held in your shaking hands as you tried to snap pictures of him getting out of the airport

you kind of… think he’s cute…

but it’s not like you could ever approach him

you know his family hates your family’s guts…

and your family isn’t necessarily a fan of the kims either

your family just sticks with them for the money, there’s no idolization there, actually quite the opposite, they dislike the kims for their disillusion towards the general public

when you sit down and think about it, more of the stories your family has published have been scandalous

which you know is because the public likes that…

but also because your family wants to see them pay for their general disregard and mistreatment of the public

because the kims are notorious for having prices much too high for the average person to pay continually, and since they have a monopoly on the industry, there is no competition and no incentive to work better

and so to say that there’s some animosity between your families… would be right

but you’re drawn to namjoon

he seems different from his family

where they all appear stiff and cold, his smile could light up an entire room

you’ve never seen him speak rudely to any of the paparazzi, or the public

he handles himself so professionally, and when you have had the privilege to sit in on press conference or public business meetings… he always is polite and courteous, and always listens to what everyone else has to say

and you kinda have a lil crush on him

but you’re just the shy kid behind the camera…

so like, he’d never notice you anyway

but then…

an invitation to a party shows up on your doorstep one day

your crazy mother realizes that ah yes, a party for the most socially elite means that you can get so much dirt on people there, so she’s like haha… you gotta go

and you’re like can i not i would rather sit inside and marry leo off to selena because they are my otp,,,

and your mom is like anyway you better figure out what you’re wearing

you wanna know how the hell you got invited in the first place, but you guess because your family is socially prominent you were somehow invited too…

okay so party time

it’s at some nightclub??

your girl is underage as heck so idk what they’re about

anyway i imagine some great dance music would be playing, with the bass super boosted, like idk… everytime we touch by cascada

and the lights are all dark but they have strobe lights going i think that’s what they’re called at least

and it’s, like i said, super dark, so it’s not like you can see anyone, and you maybe forgot your camera

and like there are so many people!! no matter where you go, there are at least twenty people accidentally bumping into you and it’s all a little overwhelming, so you grab a drink (grape juice) and head over to the back corner of the club where it’s less noisy, and there are less people around to bother you,,,

finally, some peace and quiet…

you close your eyes and take a deep breath

your parents would flip if you came home early, and there’s no use being outside, alone, in the dark, when everything is closed…

so you stay put, instead rummaging around your bag to see if you can find your earbuds and phone so you can just chill by yourself

you grab onto what you assume is your earbuds, but before you can pull them out, someone bumps into you, with enough impact that you topple forward

the person, apparently startled just as much as you, loses their balances, and falls on the ground right beside you

you look up

and everything slows down

it’s the part of everytime we touch where she’s like your arms are my castle btw

you blink, your eyes unable to focus in the dim light, and when your vision finally clears, you recognize the person to be none other than kim namjoon…

you startle, quickly pulling away from him, your face red in embarrassment

namjoon frowns, clearly confused, but then a look of recognition spreads across his face and he smiles a little shyly

“i think i know you.”

you nod slowly, not taking your gaze off of him

“i think i know you too…”

he stands up, then offers you a hand, which you take gratefully

he coughs awkwardly and you put your hand on the back of your neck

“um… i’m namjoon.”

and you introduce yourself too, and you almost feel the need to apologize because you’re sure that you and your family have caused him so much trouble

but you don’t know what to say, but you stay silent, unsure of what you should do next

namjoon doesn’t say anything at first, but then he sees something on the floor, and bends over to pick it up

it’s your earbuds

he hands them over with a small smile “i had the same idea.”

“parties aren’t really my thing…” you laugh softly

“mine either.” he pauses, shoving his hands in his pockets before adding, “so if you want to… maybe head outside?”

your brows furrow

“god that probably sounded creepy, i meant, like get out of here, i know a cool little diner that’s open twenty-four hours, the coffee sucks, but the dessert is pretty great.”

you laugh and nod sheepishly “yah, that sounds nice.”

so you and namjoon dip out of the party, and head down to the cafe where you talk the entire night away

you exchange numbers too hehe

anyway, as the weeks progress, you two talk more and more, and things get a little flirtier and flirtier

and you’ve become glued to your phone, and your cousin, yoongi, is like, “anyway who’s the hot babe and do they have a brother”

and youre like “yoongi,,, plz,,, it is not like that, namjoon is just a- ooPS”

cause you had namjoon under a code name like “B)” or something awful like that and you thought that you had this all under wraps but now you just basically admitted everything to yoongi isn’t that just the greatest

“kim namjoon? like the guy our family is so intent on stalking and tarnishing his name and everything? the kim namjoon who wears beanie when it is obviously bucket hat season?? that kim namjoon?”

“um…”

“he totally has a hot cousin.”

you blink “so wait, you’re not… telling on me?”

yoongi shrugs “i don’t see why i should.”

and you smile and hug him and yoongi just laughs and ruffles your hair

yoongi is the one who covers for you when you sneak out to see namjoon

and boy howdy do you see namjoon a lot

like yoongi always drives you to meet up with him, whether it be the diner, or the park, or the city!!

and he always makes awful excuses when your family asks where you are

and namjoon’s cousin, jungkook, does the same thing for him, and the two of them often meet up and laugh about it over bitter coffee

you and namjoon are so in love though, and it’s a passionate affair, not for the cheating aspect, god no, but because everything must be done in secret

every time you press your lips to his, you’re afraid that suddenly your mother will walk around the corner and rip you away from his arms

and when you two are out and about, walking down the streets, your hold his hand so tightly, so fearful that you could be torn away from him at any second

every time you call him it’s late at night, because you’re scared that your father might accidentally stop and listen in when you’re least expecting it, and your entire world will crumble to pieces

namjoon is the same way though, extra careful, extra cautious, and he always says it, says he hates how you two have to hide your relationship just because your guys’ parents hate each other

but it’s something he’s willing to hide if it means seeing you every day, being with you every day

except that you two aren’t as careful as you should hope to be, because one day you leave your phone unlocked and it just so happens that your mother was cleaning up your room a little bit, and she picked up the phone and read the messages and realized that these gentle “i love yous” were all sent to none other than kim namjoon

and she hurries down the steps, your phone in her hand, cursing and shouting and asking you what in the hell you’re thinking

and your eyes widen in horror as you realize your mistake and you rush over to try and grab the phone from her hands, but in a fit of rage, she throws the phone down and it’s probably an awful iphone or something so the entire thing shatters in a million pieces

this of course is your breaking point, and you start to sob, begging your mother to change her mind, trying to tell her that there’s nothing wrong about this, but she doesn’t listen, instead storms off to go talk to your father

you kneel down and hold the broken phone in your hands, continuing to cry harder

yoongi, startled by the commotion, comes racing in, and when he sees you, sees the scene, everything clicks

he holds you in his arms and promising things will be okay but you know they will not

after that, your parents ban you from leaving the house

you are confined to your room, and if you want to leave your room, you have to stay within the house, even being limited to indoors, as in, like can’t even see the garden

at first, namjoon thinks you’re ignoring him or something and his heart breaks because it’s not like you to ignore him, ever

but yoongi texts jungkook who tells namjoon the situation, and from that moment on, he is planning a way to get you back

one night, it’s been like a week since the incident, you are sitting on your bed, watching psych

when you hear a faint knock

you think it must be a squirrel or something like that outside?

so you ignore it

but the noise continues

so you head over to your window, and step out into the balcony, and standing there, with a large bag slung over his shoulders, is namjoon

he waves, and you cup your hands over your mouth

“are you coming?”

“like hell i’m gonna trust you to catch me!”

you laugh, and the tears have already started to prick the corners of your eyes

he smiles softly “i love you”

“I love you too namjoon…”

and im saying the balcony isn’t super high so you’re like fxxk it and you jump and he catches you and you’re both safe and sound

and when you are safely on your feet, you lean up and kiss him and he wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you close

and it feels like you kiss him for an eternity, and you want to kiss him for an eternity, but he says there’s no time, and that you two need to hurry before someone realizes something is up

he says that his friend hoseok is offering up his place for you two to stay

and with that, you two vanish into the night

obviously both sets of parents find out, and it doesn’t take them long to realize where you two are hiding

but namjoon is like nah not coming home until you recognize our love,,,

and so both parents are like our children and their happiness are most important so they are willing to make amends

you and namjoon come back home but he was digging the cute apartment vibe so he asks if you two can move out together if he still decides to manage the business in the near future

and your parents are all !! about it at first but they agree because you two are most important

and you and namjoon are happily in love and you have a cute apartment where you two snuggle and kiss all the time mwah mwah

[suedrawl]

tw: sexual related, romance, abuse

I think i drank too much

i might delete this later, but you know, just spitting it out and knowing maybe a few people validated my struggle is good. also idk who read this, im overthinking probably, but it isn’t aimed to say anything to anyone...just...trying to figure me out

every blue moon, I get this really hard hitting feeling of loneliness, confusion and hurt. not the depression alone or literal alone, but of the romantic related

i saw someone on my fb remark about a date and i just...ugh it hit me. ‘they could ask me’, i ponder thoughtlessly as the room figuratively grows darker. ‘i need something more.’

at first i was wondering why i was feeling this--but that’s just it. it’s a feeling i’ve buried inside and certain things trigger it

but those feelings. not always, but it’s strong, and something I do need therapy on. Not in a sense of wanting to force change my identity in a sexual or romantic regard, but enough that I question what’s going on through phases, experiences, and natural progression.

I was in a relationship for two weeks with someone. it didn’t work out. i felt like i was being used, on a romance and sexual scale. i was just a trophy girlfriend.

ive had so many instances of other people all types come to me, but either because it wasn’t meant to be or i was afraid of hurt, i’ve moved away from anything--both in caution and wanting to find something more.

there’s also the pangs of guilt of those i couldn’t give a chance because i didn’t feel anything back in that way. also of the ones that i encouraged for silent attention or by pure accident. knowing that, and got everyone hurt...

and i can’t forget about being rejected too--regardless of cause. but i think those all were for the best.

technically I’m taking a break from someone I was with for about six months, but i just can’t handle the stress right now. i’m not sure i’m ready to talk about that. but if i can’t care for myself, i can’t care for them, right? i really am not deserving

i feel like i’m attacking a subject from too many angles and not getting where--whether healing, untangling thoughts or just mindless rambling via tumblr. but it’s such a...round subject. Nothing I can sort or see a end too

i guess my original point was that im feeling alone romantically, it sucks, but then traumas return from memories, and i’m a whirling chaotic mess

i hate having been sexually/emotionally/romantically abused. taken advantage of. why? i’m not perfect either, but to do that specific thing to someone who trusts you..... i mean...i guess anyone is and no one asks of that. it’s so awful. god so awful. but it’s just annoying because i want to MOVE ON with this category of my life, and it’s still stuck back when I was 12--in a sense anyway

i’m being very hypocritical too. i want something, but on the same side reason why i can’t, will not, etc should have it. i’ve been given honest chances and i’ve screwed up everyone. i then try to reason with myself i’m aromantic. asexual is a easy one (though sometimes i debate if this is caused by my medication and/or depression? even the sexual abuse?). It’s not as mental or tangible versus what I’m attracted to on a different scale--a crush, or love, attraction, so forth. it’s mythical and hard to explain. but i currently feel my soul rest in that focus.

but even then i can’t make heads or tales of it. i know, i know...i can’t control these feelings i get for certain people (or lack of), but i wish i did. so much.

i keep falling into this trap--i cling to someone emotionally. i get a true sense of saftey, love, and understanding from them. they may not share this mutual romance idea, but something they’ve said and/or done set me off to want something more. maybe to experience that momentary, accidental sense of true love again.

(and I don’t just mean hollywood/romantic love--also just...that sense of humans bonding and having a ethereal moment of something more. the love and care and affection and loyalty. sometimes these moments of starlight are both perceived, sometimes not, or doesn’t always drive this intense...since of wanting more from that specific person?)

it’s not always so selfish. sometimes this happens first, or the other. but i want to do things for them. even if it’s small acts. kind words. peaceful gifts. the love is so strong, i sense it and want to turn it around--i want them to experience the love. they deserve it. so much.

but somehow that still feels selfish. maybe that’s once reason i should continue to hold off. I truly need to understand a equal partnership is. find the one within two. and accept more i can do.

where am i going with this?

what a messy circle it is