#im already so tired and. now i need to manage social interaction?? in my OWN free time???? im literally a bunny how dare you.

[autism-corner]

*gif of bunny exploding*

[fairyoftbz]

insecurities | l. juyeon

🧸 pairing: idol!juyeon x (insecure) fem!reader 🧸 word count: 2.7k 🧸 genre: angst, fluffy end 🧸 tw: mentions of insecurities, doubts 🧸 a/n: sorry i forgot to post, i had a busy day and im exhausted, i hope it's gonna be enough! 🧸 requested: yes! thank you, it is very cliché but i hope this is what you had in mind! 💝

╰☆☆☆☆╮

Juyeon came home tired but happy, excited to see you again after a long day of intense practice and a show where he participated as an MC. You, on the other hand, were not as happy as he was, but you were for sure tired of something.

You couldn’t deny it, dating Juyeon had positive points, he was everything you could ask for in a man, but there were just as many negative points. He was an attractive, sweet gentleman, and it was almost impossible for him not to attract other girls, not even doing it on purpose. And it was one of your many insecurities even if you considered yourself pretty, you couldn’t help but get insecure every time he talked to someone else.

Because let’s be honest, in the Korean music industry, every single woman looks like an absolute goddess. So, when he interacts with someone, and they’re a bit too friendly, your heart pinches in pain as he gives them the smile he keeps for you and you only.

You think that they are more interesting, prettier and funnier than you, which has the ability to send your thoughts to the dark side of self-consciousness, not feeling pretty or enough next to those women. And tonight, it was hard to watch on National TV your boyfriend being extremely friendly with the other MC.

You had tried to comfort yourself that it was just a mask, that he had to look friendly and handsome on TV. However, you couldn’t help feeling disappointment and anger as he gave attentive eyes to the other MC as she explained something, his eyes falling on her lips pressed against the mic.

Juyeon walks through the main door, tossing his keys on the chest of drawers, getting rid of his jacket and shoes before joining you in the living room, happy to see that you were watching the same channel he appeared on. Eyes glued on the screen, your thumb rubbed against your lips, feeling the skin of the cuticles you scratched while watching your boyfriend feeling rough against your lips.

“Hi love,” he said as he sat next to you, pressing his lips on your cheek. You didn’t react, only emitting a slight hum as he sat comfortably.

Juyeon frowned but didn’t raise your bad mood, trying to think what was going on inside your head. Maybe you had a bad day, or you were just tired, despite scratching his head and think, he couldn’t pinpoint what had brought you in such a bad mood.

“Did you have fun?” you bitterly spat, and Juyeon’s eyes widened, surprised by your tone, the wrinkle on his forehead deepening as his brows furrowed at your attitude.

“I did. Are you mad or something?” he bluntly asked, and you sighed, taking the remote to turn the TV off, falling in an unpleasant, uncomfortable silence.

“Oh no, I’m super fine. I really enjoyed my boyfriend giving heart eyes to another girl on national TV, it was such a nice thing to watch,” you bitterly chuckled, and Juyeon’s eyes widened even more, not expecting you to pull out the jealousy card on that.

“Babe, what are you talking about? You know-”

“Please, spare me your fake confusion and lame excuses, I clearly saw what I saw. My eyes never deceive me,” you said while standing up, but Juyeon was quick to imitate you and grab your wrist to prevent you from walking away. You tried to free yourself from his grip, but he only tightened his hand around it.

“Juyeon, let me go,” you said through clenched teeth, trying to prevent the tears from escaping your eyes. Breaking down was the last thing you wanted to do in this situation.

“Not before you explain to me what this fuss is all about,” he said, irritation replacing confusion in his eyes. You let out a mocking scoff, your eyes filled with anger and disdain boring into your boyfriend’s, holding eye contact for a few seconds.

“You really think I’m this dumb? I clearly saw the eyes you gave to the other MC when you were both animating the show. Cracking jokes, giving her smiles that could outshine the sun, your eyes ogling her lips when she was talking or smiling. Did you really think I wouldn’t catch that?” you raised your voice, letting anger take over your body.

“I never did all of that, I don’t know what you are insinuating,” he spat, trying not to show it, but your words hurt him, hating the fact that you could imagine him cheat on you or fancy another girl.

“Go on social media then, you will see what I am ‘insinuating’! Everyone is already talking about how whipped you are and how cute of a couple you would look together. Some fans are even starting to make edits!” you shouted, shoving your phone in your hoodie’s front pocket.

Juyeon sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose to calm his nerves a bit, a gesture that had the ability to enrage you even more. Your family used to do that when they found you annoying or wanted to belittle you, and now seeing Juyeon doing the exact same thing as them really made you even more insecure about this whole situation. Your family made you feel like a real burden during your childhood and teen years that it hurt you to think that Juyeon was probably agreeing with that thought right now.

“Y/N, I don’t know what you are talking about. I was just trying to be nice, I can’t be rude or it’s mine and the group’s reputation that I’ll take down with me-”

“No it’s okay, no need to explain yourself, the message was very clear,” you said, and you finally freed yourself from his grip, your heart breaking as Juyeon sighed in annoyance again, seeing him almost roll his eyes.

“It’s not what I meant, and you know it. Don’t react like that, please,” he started, but you waved your hand in front of you.

“No, no, I got it, you-”

“Y/N, for the love of God, stop being so fucking insecure, it’s getting so fucking annoying at this point! I can’t do anything without you getting fucking doubtful, start having faith in me and in this relationship, dammit!” your eyes widened as Juyeon eventually snapped, his mouth slowly closing as he stared at you, realisation hitting him that his words and tone made a lot of damage once he saw the tears gather in your eyes and roll down your cheeks.

The couch separated the two of you, creating the illusion of a painful wall that made you shiver, feeling like your apartment had lost all of its warmth on the spur of the moment. His words were brutal, and they bounced around your skull, your head turning towards the corridor to swallow the lump forming in your throat, trying not to break down in front of him.

“Y/N, I’m-”

“Leave me alone,” you replied, voice wavering as you walked out of the living room, slamming the bedroom door shut before locking it.

Juyeon sighed and carded his hands through his dark locks, closing his eyes as he thought of the words that had escaped his mouth too quickly. He cursed under his breath as the living room fell into a deafening silence, his hands linked at the back of his neck as he thought of what just happened.

“Why did I say that,” he muttered under his breath and collapsed on the couch, unlocking his phone and scrolling on social media to try and momentarily forget your beautiful face painted with a hurtful expression because of him, but it was to no avail.

He saw what you saw; the fiction, the edits, the collages, he saw and read everything. He already hated seeing you cry and being hurt, but he actually loathed himself for being such an idiot and not comfort you about the whole situation with what was happening on every social platform.

His heart shattered in millions of pieces as he pictured you crying in your shared bed, holding the stuffed animal he got you for your anniversary tight against your chest, letting you drown in your insecurities and intrusive thoughts. He loved you very much, but despite him trying to remind you every single day, your intrusive thoughts always managed to get the upper hand when you found yourself hanging out on your own or with some friends. It was as if your brain shut out everyone who tried to reassure you or make you feel better, letting you drown and struggle in your sorrow.

Yes, the other idols were pretty, but they were nothing compared to you. Juyeon had only eyes for you and cared about you and, of course, his members, but never had he thought about leaving you for someone else. His intentions were just to sound and appear nice and welcoming on TV because he knew that some fans, antis and media wouldn’t hesitate a second to bash him on different platforms and articles for his rudeness and insensitivity towards his idol colleague. And not only would he break his reputation, but also the group’s, and that’s the last thing he wanted.

However, he also understood that it was something hard to watch for you, even if he reminded you every single day that you were the only one that mattered in his eyes.

Sitting on the couch, he started reflecting, putting himself in your shoes for a second. How would he have reacted if he saw you being super friendly and affectionate to another man? Someone more handsome, nicer than him, cracking jokes here and there to see you smile and laugh.

He tossed his phone on the couch space next to him, where he wished you were instead of crying yourself in your shared bed, watching the device bounce, collide with the armrest and fall on the ground. He didn’t even fret checking if the screen cracked, head too high in his thoughts to bother.

Resting his elbows on his knees, he pressed his joined hands against his mouth, tongue poking his inner cheek as he realised he had really messed everything up. His knee started bouncing at the disgusting thought of losing you, perfectly knowing that he had to do something before you could slip through his hand like grains of sand.

Juyeon stood up and knocked on the bedroom door, softly calling for your name.

“Y/N?” he asked, and you didn’t respond, faintly hearing you cry on the other side of the wall. “Go away, please,” your strained voice barely making it to his ears, his fingers drumming against the surface of the door in frustration.

From your side of the bed, still holding that teddy bear close to your chest, you let your tears damp the top of its head, feeling the exhaustion of crying kicking in. Juyeon didn’t knock another time, trying not to push your buttons too much to save his chances to talk to you.

You heard a small thud on the lower part of the door, frowning as you wondered what it was. Deep breathings filled in the silence lingering in the corridor, selfishly feeling a bit relieved that you weren’t the only one hurt in this situation. Juyeon was a smart, tolerant man, he knew when to put his pride aside and not blame you for something you said or did. Well, it’s not the case for this time, and it’s probably exhaustion that spoke for him, and that, of course, doesn’t excuse anything, but he wanted to apologise and make up for everything.

“I know you probably don’t want to see me or hear my voice after what I’ve told you, but I really want to apologise for what I’ve said,” you held your breath to hear his faint, low voice on the other side of the door. You sat up and felt dizzy for a quick second, still holding the teddy bear against your chest, your face buried in its head as you let the tears keep rolling on your cheeks.

“I know it’s hard to date me, and I’m really sorry, I wish we had a simpler life, where we could hang out and go on dates like two normal people. It’s also hard for me to not be the type of boyfriend everyone wishes to have, but I’m so damn grateful to call you mine.” Juyeon marked a pause and ruffled his hair, pushing the front pieces away from his hair while thinking of his following words.

“I… you don’t know how much I’m sorry for using your insecurities against you. I shouldn’t have, it was the dumbest move I could ever do, but I just didn’t know what to answer. You are so pretty, so beautiful, amazing, and absolutely wonderful to have around to me, so seeing you this insecure makes me mad every time you compare yourself to someone you think looks prettier, thinner, or more perfect than you. It’s... really frustrating because I try my best to make you feel like a goddess and worth it every day, but those unrealistic society standards and god damn social media make you feel like you are not worth an ounce of love,” he took in a big breath and raised his knees upwards, letting his forearms rest on them.

You slowly opened the door behind him and dropped the teddy bear by his side, letting him know of your presence. He was quick to notice it and turn around to hug your legs tightly, your hands finding their way in his hair and started massaging his skull.

“I’m so sorry, Ju,” you faintly whispered, and he breathed in deeply against your skin as if he finally found you again after being separated from you for years.

He grabbed your cherished stuffed animal and stood up, holding it against your chest with a tender smile. He sat you down on the bed and gave you a proper hug, mouth pressing loving kisses on your forehead and temple as his hand caressed the back of your head, holding you as close to him as possible.

“I’m so sorry Y/N, I really am. I love you so, so much, I’m really sorry for all the stupid words I’ve thrown at you,” he said, and you shook your head, squeezing your arms around his middle tightly as an answer.

“I guess I have to accept that you have eyes only for me. But you know, it’s hard to acknowledge it and believe it when you find everyone around you ten times more beautiful than you are,” you mumbled against his chest as you sat on his lap, and he nodded, feeling a lump rising in his throat.

“I know Y/N, I know. I wish I could rid you of those insecurities, my heart breaks each time I see you so unsure of yourself. You're just so beautiful and amazing, it honestly kills me to see you like this,” he whispered, and you bitterly chuckled, gently pulling away to look at him with pearly eyes, his arms around you holding you still tight, making sure that you wouldn’t go too far from him.

“You can’t do that, but maybe you can help me soothe them by keeping loving me the way you’ve done since day one,” you mumbled, and he smiled, his eyes shining with tears just like yours.

You both cupped each other’s face and sadly smiled at the other, Juyeon feeling comforted at the sensation of your thumbs wiping the tears away from his cheeks and vice versa.

“We just need time, love, but I promise I’m going to help you realise how much you mean to me and how beautiful you are. And how much I don’t care about other girls,” he mumbled, and he gently drew your face closer to his, your lips grazing against his mouth. You closed your eyes at the proximity, feeling so much love and passion in his kiss that it was getting hard to breathe.

“I love you so much, Y/N,” Juyeon pulled away from your lips and whispered against your mouth, his hot breath mixing with yours.

“I love you too,” you smiled, burying your face in his neck, your boyfriend kissing the crown of your head while hugging you tight.

You giggled as Juyeon applied pressure on your waist, making you fall on your side on the bed. His hand gently cradled your cheek, thumb caressing your cheekbone with a soft smile on his face. You closed your eyes and pressed your forehead against his, feeling him chuckle and gently press his lips against yours.

[flooffybits]

At Your Corner

Idol: Kim Minji (Dreamcatcher)

Anon: my heart just broke bc i saw a pic of minji smiling but trying to hide her pain when their deja vu win got snatched by the sh*w so may i request a scenario with jiu being sad abt that but since shes in public, she needs to smile for the fans. 8th member reader who doesnt rlly show her emotions notices and just lets her kid side out like suddenly jumping in front of jiu and going "hey im a race car get on!" to make her laugh then fans coo and stuff? sry if this is a mess u can change anything tnx

A/n: this came very recently and i don’t usually work on newer requests but this fit my mood way too much that i couldn’t help BUT write it

☕buy me a coffee☕

Standing at the corner of the room, you survey the scene and watch as your members all look exhausted after everything you’ve been through.

It’s quieter than usual, and while you usually preferred it, you hated this silence.

Once again, you were close to finally obtaining a win for your group, and yet you were just a few points too short when The Show finally released the results. You could feel as your members’ shoulders visibly fell when you were all finally off the stage and from the public eye. You had all worked so hard and believed that this comeback would finally be the one to get you a win.

The first weeks of promotions had made you start to lose hope when you had yet to obtain what your group desired, but your leader remained optimistic through it all, telling you that it wasn’t over and that you still had more chances. Yet in the end, her optimism was snuffed out as she sat by the corner, head in her hands as she struggled to pull herself together for when you all had to leave the venue and face your fans.

To make matters worse, Handong was leaving for China in a few days.

With a shaky breath, you turned away and shrugged off your stage outfit, replacing it with the shirt you previously wore, tossing on your hoodie and cap when you were done before heading out of the room, one of your managers quickly following after you as Bora’s frown deepened when she caught a glimpse of your expression.

“Come on, girls. We have to get going soon.” Minji called after she cleaned her face and dusted herself off. She watched as Yoohyeon hurried and quickly left, silently asking your remaining managers where you had gone off to before she went to find you.

With a heavy heart, the girls exited the waiting room and headed for the building exit where you and Yoohyeon were already waiting, the younger girl holding your hand while she kept her head on your shoulder, nuzzling against you for comfort whilst you held her closer to yourself with your own head down.

Minji felt a tug in her heart to see you, but when she tried to reach you, Siyeon tugged at her arm and then shook her head, knowing that there would be no getting to you at this point.

While you rarely expressed yourself, it was easy to tell when you wanted to shut everything and everyone out. You would let the girls come near you, but you wouldn’t say a single thing or react to anything they’ll say except for a nod or a shake of the head in case they ask you something.

“Unnie told me she was with Everglow before Yoohyeon unnie found her.” Gahyeon muttered softly from beside the vocalist. “She said she was trying to make them feel better because of the votes.”

It was a little after you all exited the stage when people began making comments online about miscalculations. As much as it was a possibility, you and your members decided not to look into it just so it wouldn’t further worsen your mood. You were already upset with having lost, it made you feel even worse to know that your dongsaengs were most likely receiving backlash with everything that was happening.

“It’s going to be okay.” Bora murmured, squeezing her friend’s hand as they approached you and the quiet girl. Handong offered you a small smile, but you merely nodded at her before looking to the door, hearing the shouts of fans that were waiting for you.

You lower your cap over your eyes just to avoid making further eye contact with anyone before finally leaving the venue, eyes squinting at the flashing of the cameras. Yoohyeon had let go of you to join Bora and Yubin’s side. Siyeon and Gahyeon stood closely side by side and Minji was clinging to Handong in order to comfort both of them.

And it just hurt so much more to see them forcing smiles on their faces when you knew just how terrible they all felt. You also knew that your own fans felt just as bad, seeing the tears on some of them when the winners were announced.

Right now, you felt stuck because it was usually Gahyeon and Minji who kept bright smiles on their faces. Your members were always eager to interact with fans, just like you, but this whole predicament merely took its toll on all of you.

But you refused to let this night end with them in tears.

Smiling, you waved to your fans and tried to give off the energy your members were lacking despite how it would usually be the other way around. Looking to your managers for permission, they were a little less strict this time around when they knew you just needed some space and allowed you to approach some fans.

Your members were somewhat surprised as you stepped away from them to greet everyone, thanking each of them for coming and supporting you all. Minji could feel her eyes watering at the sight of you trying your absolute best in covering for all of them, even trying to distract fans from noticing their weary state.

“Please be safe when you get home! The others are a little tired so please understand.” You tell them with a meaningful look and you were just grateful to know you had such understanding and thoughtful fans.

Even with the blinding flashes of the camera, you did your best speaking with them until your eyes landed on a few teary eyed Somnias. You felt your throat close up, but you do your best to swallow your emotions before approaching them. “Hey, why are you crying?” You asked and they turn to you with sadness swimming in their glossy eyes.

“We wanted to finally give you all a win, but we couldn’t do it.” One of them answers, your expression softening before you shook your head and opened your arms for them. Giving them both a warm hug, you patted their backs before giving them a small squeeze. “You guys did more than enough. You got us nominated, and that’s a really big thing, so thank you.” You assure them with your best smile,

“We’ll keep working harder, so please don’t be sad.”

Seeing your interaction with the fans pushed tears to Siyeon’s eyes and she had to avert her gaze while Bora wiped at the corner of her own eyes at your selflessness.

It didn’t take long before you came bounding over to your members and you sported a grin as you patted all of them, be it on the arm of back. “Come on, come on! I’m hungry, aren’t you?” You question playfully, earning a giggle from Yubin while Handong reached to pinch your cheeks.

When you turn to your leader, you smile before turning around so your back is facing her then gesture for her to hope onto your back. “Unnie, everyone is slow! Come on, you can get the food faster if you come with me.”

Minji couldn’t help but laugh at your display, her heart warming at your rare carefree personality and knowing that you were doing this for them.

So, without hesitation, she wrapped her arms around your shoulder as you crouched down before allowing you to lift her on her back, laughter bubbling from her lips as you carried her away from the rest of your members while they watched on with smiles on their faces, happy to see your leader a little better compared to earlier.

“Yah! Unnie, be careful!” Gahyeon called out when Minji squealed after you nearly tripped, but you were able to tighten your hold on her legs, securing her on your back before you decided to merely walk instead of run to the van, the older woman’s face tucked comfortably against your neck that you could feel her smiling against your skin.

You didn’t have to go out of your way to check up on her and make her feel better, but she appreciated how you still did so without anyone having to ask you to do it. As quiet as you were, she loved the way you were ready to come to their aid.

“Thank you.” You hear her whisper and you hum while shrugging your shoulders lightly. “It’s nothing, unnie.” Though despite your words, she knows that you were relieved to have her, and the others, smiling as well.

Later that night, there are articles about you and your actions for that day. Pictures of you with fans and Minji, especially, circulate everywhere, but the girls decide that staying off social media would be healthy for them as they happily ate the food that you had asked your managers to bring to the dorm.

“Do you think we should wake her up?” Yubin asked when she glanced to your shared room, but Handong shook her head and smiled after drinking some water. “Jiu unnie did say she’ll take care of Y/n, so we can wait until they’re back.”

“I don’t think I’ve seen Y/n unnie have that much energy.” Yoohyeon commented after chewing her food, Gahyeon nodding in agreement with a tiny smile on her face. “Unnie is honestly so cute. I wanted to cry when she was hugging and comforting Somnias.” The maknae pouted while Bora giggled. “That kid is really unpredicatable sometimes.”

Siyeon scoffed at her claim, chopsticks pointed in the dancer’s direction. “Speak for yourself.” That earned a smack on the arm as Handong burst into laughter, everyone else following after as they exchanged more stories, forgetting about the award show and their previous concnerns.

Meanwhile, Minji looked down at you with a fond smile as you laid on her chest, arms wrapped around her waist as she kept her own around your slightly smaller frame.

As much as she cried earlier, you were able to make her feel better. Even as you slept soundly against her, she would thank you endlessly for being in her life and picking her up whenever she was down.

Somewhere along the way, she realized that some trophy meant nothing compared to the love and support she’s received from the people who surrounded her. While it was nice to have that recognition for the group, she would pick a group that was stable and gave as much as they received any day.

As long as you were among those people, her heart was safe and sound.

[grethan-allmance]

So, I was sent this. Shown this? I was kinda, 'why did she reply??' As my immediate reaction. Like in this *global* pandemic, there literally isn't a good justification for international travel, no matter how she tried to justify herself. 'The country allows me, so it has to be fine.' Ha. People with enough brain cells to rub together and understanding should know it was more like 'strongly advised against, do insist under your own risk and the risk of people around you.'

The comments in that post said she handled it 'beautifully', and I'm like 'no, fuck no, that was bad. She was practically saying 'Sorry for your loss, but I didn't do anything wrong.' That's basically it. The travel itself is already wrong thing to do in this kind of climate. Meeting your bf is not a good enough emergency to risk of more spread. If someone isn't sick or dying, then it's not good enough reason, period. Like, nada. 'I feel so stifled', 'I miss my bf', 'I need to travel', I, I, I. Like, this kind of thinking is why this pandemic last so fucking long. Gosh, this is something that actually affects other people. The fucking selfishness because they can't stand doing what other people also has to go through, do go through, managed to go through, under the name of protecting other people close to them is so mind-blowing.

If you've been following me, you should already know I had no specific dislike for K, at all. I didn't. This isn't out of hate. If Ethan got his visa and gone through with it, then I'd want him on blast too. I didn't even like when they go back to Jersey and risk the exposure to their Mom or to their grannies, considering LA is one of the high risk places, but at least the place they live at in NJ doesn't look like it's packed like in the big city, and maintaining social distance should be easier. But, international travel seems like a really bad idea. If nothing happens, then that's great. But I wouldn't consider the risk worth it though, tbh.

(In the little corner of my dark mind, another of my reaction was murmuring 'if Grayson ends up getting it, then they'll actually be sorry'. I hope that doesn't happen though, seems like if he gets it, it won't be a light thing, considering his pre-existing condition.)

Also, on another thing, the twins get so paranoid over Ryan interacting with fan, so much they end up cutting him off. Now, maybe they didn't actually cut him off completely, maybe just realizing their friendship is better with that little distance that comes from not actually living together. Maybe they're still bff, and they just realizing its healthier for their relationship to not be roommates, considering they all have Issues. Now that there's this, I do wonder how the twins will react.

In one perspective, she seemed bullied and was trying to defend herself im grace, and perhaps nothing to feel mad/betrayed about. In another, she's actually in the wrong and she comes off like a Karen and perhaps that's something to be disappointed about. Or in a more hateful mindset, she replied to a dm she could've and should've ignored because now she has the sense of having 'clout' for being known as Ethan Dolan's gf, and thus, ignites the paranoia of the paranoids who constantly on the edge of the fear of being 'used' for clout.

*sigh* yes, I'm ranting again. I just have very strong opinion on travelling in pandemic, alright. I was so fucking set to go see my parents last month, since the case in the city I'm stuck in is declining, looks good, seems like the case will be over soon in the city. My mom has been taking care of my grandma (she can't walk anymore) and it has been tiring for her and the only other person in the house is my dad and I worry so much since without me, he's the one doing the groceries and he has heart issues. I did the whole round of tests and two weeks isolation to make sure I'm not gonna bring anything unwanted. But, because of one person, turns out there was a whole family that got infected, they infected their neighbors and when they went to the market, possibly infect more people, and since they're somewhat close to my area and now the numbers spiked again, I can't fucking risk it and cancelled the flight on my own. The full refund was nice, but it would be nicer if people could just not be selfish so the pandemic can be over faster, y'know?

So yes. I have very strong opinion on this.

[cool-guysyndrome]

(I was gonna post this to Instagram first but the story got too long so here sees it first skkdhdh)

Title: dammit why do i always give the angst a resolution

TW: anxiety attack, heckloads of angst, swearing because virgil+stress=i get to write swearwords

Patton paced the dimly lit room, becoming more agitated with every step. He didn't know where he was, why he was there, how he got there, anything. It was awful being completely in the dark, thrown randomly into some foreign place with no forewarning or instructions. He had so many questions that it was hard to think at all. Where were his friends? Were they okay? Were they even in the same place as him? What if they were across the country or something? How would he find them? Where even was this country? Was he in a country? Why was he in a weird castle thingy on a mountain? It was scary up so high. What were these weird clothes he was wearing? What was wrong with him? Why could he suddenly create a weird green fire with his hands? Was he going crazy?

Patton sat down and leant against the cold stone wall, trying to steady his breathing. Was this how Virgil felt when he had an anxiety attack?

He looked down at his hands, scared to accidentally replicate the spectacle he had made when he went outside and set a tree on fire.

"Maybe i can control it?" He thought aloud. Worth a try.

Patton shut his eyes and tried to focus his thoughts on the tingly feeling that had spread through his fingertips when he made the fire the first time. Sure enough, he felt a soft heat begin to emanate from where his hands were outstretched, and when he opened his eyes he saw the small green flame dancing across his fingertips.

He found that he could make the flame larger or smaller by mentally compressing it, like a camera's focus lens. It was amazing, but at the same time it scared Patton more than any fear he'd ever felt before. This wasn't a kind power. This was something destructive, something dangerous. If this power was any clue to why he was in this strange place, it was not a comforting one.

Patton released his mental hold on the fire and it dissipated into nothing. He realised with a start that he had been crying while watching it, and he wiped his cheeks dry with a sleeve.

Whatever this was, it wasnt going to be easy, and how his heart ached every time he thought about the others was really not helping. Especially Virgil. Sweet, lovely Virgil, who was always kind and worried for Patton as much as his mother did, was probably hurting just as much as he was. That thought would have killed Patton, but his thoughts were mercifully interrupted by a-

---

-'CRASH!'

"Fuck. Just when i thought my day couldn't get better huh."

Virgil glared at the fallen ornament like it was personally responsible for all the wrongs in the world, which it probably was in his eyes.

He crouched down with a sigh and picked up the broken pieces of ceramic. There were far too many breakable things in this stupid palace for someone as clumsy and lazy as him to be around.

He found some servant to give the pieces to, waving off their apologies and persistent praise. It was exhausting, all this social interaction. Virgil wondered how Roman ever wished for this kind of thing, but he supposed Roman was the only person crazy enough to like it.

He kept walking, slow enough to still pass as a walk, but fast enough that he could escape to his room as quickly as possible. Finally he reached safety, locking the door behind him. He sunk to the floor, exhausted.

"This place is fucking crazy. I think im going crazy." He told the empty room.

"I dont know what they want me to do half the time, and they treat me like the fucking king of the universe more than some stupid prince. I just want to go home and not have to deal with this stupid, stressful, nonsensical place and its mad inhabitants!"

He ran a hand through his hair.

"Inhabitants? What am I saying? Fuck, i sound like Logan."

Logan. The others. Shit. "Great now thats just a whole other problem as well. Wonderful. Fucking fantastic!"

Virgil stood up and took his cape off, tired if the heavy and unnecessary clothes. He started to anxiously pace the room, caught up in a flurry of thoughts that were making it a little hard to breathe.

"Shit. Shitshitshit. The others. Are they safe? I need to go find them. Are they even here? What if theyre in trouble? Logan and Roman might be okay on their own, but Pat..."

Virgils voice trailed off as his mind thought a horrible, terrible thing. Patton. Gentle, bubbly Patton, the light of his life, could be in danger. Or worse, already hurt. Virgil fell back to the floor, every inhale more of a struggle than the last. His whole body filled up with an overwhelming sense of dread that drowned out any of his attempts to calm himself down. His heart began to pound like it wanted to escape his chest, and he pulled at his hair like he wanted to rip it out. He thought he heard a strangled scream from someone nearby. Why were they screaming? He should be the one screaming. Then he realised that it was his own voice, and he was the one emitting the heartbroken cry. He managed to stop his screams but there was no ceasing the sobs that wracked his body as he lay curled on the floor, his mind repeating a single horrible thought a million times-

---

-over Patton's head flew a tiny streak of black, and it seemed to be hurt because it wasnt flying in a very coordinated fashion. One wing was flapping a lot less than the other.

Patton waited for the little animal to settle, then he stood a few feet away from where it had landed on the table.

"Hey, hey, I'm not gonna hurt ya. You look like you need a bit of help, actually, little guy."

He started moving towards the table very slowly so he didnt startle the creature.

"Hey, its okay, im gonna help you, alright? Lets have a look at that wing."

Patton continued to talk soothingly to the little creature until he was close enough that he could reach out and touch it. He saw that the animal was a small black bat, and one of its wings had a splinter of wood in it, not enough to do bad damage, but enough to affect its flying ability.

Patton slowly outstretched his hand, and waited for the small animal to make a move first, as a kind of permission. The little bat looked up at him with big black eyes with a shine of blue in them, and if it were human Patton would have sworn it was studying his face.

Then, all of a sudden, he heard a voice say, "Help?"

He nearly fainted.

"What?! Did you- did you just speak?!"

He watched the bat carefully, but its little face didnt move an inch even though he heard the voice clear as day. "Help wing?"

Patton couldn't help staring at the little creature.

"How are you doing that?!"

"Person help wing? Yes, no?"

"Oh my goodness gracious. And i thought the fire was weird."

"Help wing, yes, no?"

"Yes, yes, sorry, yes, ill help you. May i?"

Patton held out a hand to the bat's wing. The little creature obliged and lay its wing across his hand.

"If i ever see him again, i will definitely tell Virgil about this. He'll hate me for it because he's always wanted to talk to animals."

"Vir..gil?"

"Yea, hes my boyfriend."

"Oh. Boy Friend Virgil." The little animal seemed to think for a second, then it spoke again.

"Boyfriend, Virgil. I, Jazzy. You?"

"What?" Patton took a second to realise what the little creature meant.

"Oh, is that your name? Oh! Its lovely! I'm Patton!"

"Pat..ton. Patton. Patton help Jazzy."

"Yes, thats right, im helping you! By the way, are you a boy or a-

---

-Gurl you are a mess. You're lucky i can pick locks hun."

Remy closed the door quietly and went to sit beside where Virgil still lay on the floor.

"I heard you scream. Good thing i convinced those other losers that I'd handle this." He glanced down at Virgil again, noting his fists still clenched in his hair.

His voice was a bit more firm as he continued. "Virgil. Can i touch you?"

The purple-haired boy hesitated a moment, then shakily nodded through his hands. Remy gently pried his hands down from his hair.

"Can you sit up for me?"

Virgil did.

"Okay. Can you copy my breathing? 4-7-8 yeah?"

Virgil nodded.

Once Remy was sure that Virgil was no longer in such a bad state, he got him to sit on his bed and gave him a glass of water.

"Thanks." Virgil managed as Remy handed him the glass.

"Youre fine, gurl, i get this kind of thing a lot. The staff here get stressed all the time and someones gotta help calm 'em down, y'know?"

"Yeah."

"Besides, gotta have you in top condition so i can 'scold you' as Perce puts it, or as i like to say, roast your sorry ass."

"Really? What did i fuck up this time?"

"Oooh gurl you wouldnt believe it. So much that the cat wants your hide."

"The cat?"

"The cat."

Virgil wasn't quite smiling, but his eyes werent as sad any more.

Remy lay back on his bed like he owned it.

"Nah, I'm messing with ya."

"I know." Virgil couldnt help a small smile.

"Its not the cat, hun, its the rats that cat's chasing that want your blood. Have fun arguing with rodents."

"That bad huh?"

"Nah not really. Percy wants to help you with some stuff you were struggling with today."

"Struggling?" Virgil raised an eyebrow at the other man.

Remy chuckled. "Gurl, you and i both know you aren't really the prince. Gotta have someone in on the secret to help before everyone is."

"Touché."

After Remy left, Virgil lay back on his bed, realising just how exhausted he was. This wasn't going to get any easier. But maybe it could, at the very least, be possible.

[ncbodyknows]

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s just Shino’s gay ass.

So, this is the second time I get to celebrate the anniversary of this group and man, a lot has happened since last time. One year ago I was but a wee mun in the masses of rookies, a mere two month old RPer in this community. I didn’t know where to start or where to end back then, and frankly I wasn’t even sure if I would be able to stick around due to my notorious habit of muse hopping and getting tired of my characters after a short time. But will this setting ever allow me to become tired? I don’t think so. So much happens all the time and I feel so attached to my characters that I can’t even imagine myself without them right now. Back then I had literally just apped Youngjae here, and I had this to say about him:

“As for Youngjae, he’s still so much of a mess. Muse wise he’s older than Jinwoo, but his character is going to take a lot longer to settle into the mindset of the setting. He’s rude, blunt and selfish, and such a mess of contradicting emotions and I hate him no I don’t I love him but don’t tell him that. I’m so glad that he’s been so well received despite not exactly being the perfect fit for the group’s setting. Will he ever be able to become a rookie? I don’t know the answer to that yet, but I can’t wait to see him develop as a person and a character.”

It’s incredibly interesting to look back and see how it is because although he’s still a mess, I think I’ve come so far with his character development that I can’t help but feel emotional about it. I recently did a poll on my twitter about which of my rk boys people liked the best, and Youngjae won by quite a bit much to my surprise considering how problematic he can be. He’s probably not everyone’s cup of tea, and I apologise for that, but he is my baby nonetheless and I love him with my whole heart. He’s growing to become one of my favourite muses of all time and although he’s still rude, blunt, and selfish, he’s also a person who tries his hardest for the things he wants even when he might not know he want them. He’s caring in his own way for the people he cares about. He’s thirsty for acknowledgement, and honestly I’m amazed that I’m standing here a year later with both him and Jinwoo signed although let’s be real this boy is just a scandal waiting to happen.

Youngjae is not the only one who has gone through development, although I feel as though it’s been slower for Jinwoo, partly because I’m slow as a mun, partly because I’ve spent the past few months in an rp slump after moving to Japan and being stressed af, and partly because this bastard Youngjae is hogging all my attention. But he’s slowly breaking out of his shell and slowly gaining more confidence in himself, and most importantly he wants to become someone newer trainees at KT can look up to for advice and motivation. He just wants to help those who might need it like he himself was helped when first getting signed.

A thing that has changed since a year ago though is that I now have a third boy to pay attention to as well. Sanha started as Daehwi but eventually became the person he is now due to my struggles with the other faceclaim. He is my baby boy although he wants to be more adult than he actually is. He is my hyperactive mess of a muse who does before he thinks, and I can’t wait to get to develop him more as time progresses and Youngjae chooses to shut up so I can pay attention to my other boys.

As I did last year, I want to give some special mentions and words to people who have really made my stay here amazing and who I’m glad I got to know. I’m going to cut it down to a few people or I might end up talking forever, but here’s a general thank you to everyone who has interacted with me in these past 1 year and 2 months I’ve been a part of Rookies. And if we haven’t interacted yet... *Finger guns* Hmu.

@moonbokrk Shizuka, you’re honestly one of the most fantastic people in the world and I’m so happy you decided to join me in this place. I can’t even remember how long we’ve known each other by now but it’s been many amazing years and I love you so much. Thanks for always being there for me and making my days amazing.

@jacksonxrk Wassup loser? Did you know that I love you? Like so incredibly much? You were one of the first people who appeared in my ims back when I first joined and I was honestly so relieved that I managed to click with you so well as a fellow Astro rper. You made me feel welcome and have in the meanwhile become one of my best friends like whoa I’m so platonically gay for you

@yutark Of course you get a spot on this list as well <3 I care about you a lot and honestly I’m so glad I hit you up for plotting because our threads are some of the ones that mean the most to me and inspire me the most to develop especially Youngjae but also Jinwoo. I swear that my boys would never be where they are today if not for you and your boys. Youngjae says Yuta can go rot in a pit tho.

@yienrk You’re the only solo mention I actually haven’t interacted with IC lol but honestly I’m so glad that I managed to beat my social anxiety and go talk to you because man are you a Good Person. I love losing my shit over our boys with you and it’s just? So amazing to have someone to talk to who appreciates them just as much. And is a sweet hecking person on top of that. And lets me be salty af when I want to get it out. Can’t wait to get to interact with Yien one day <3

rk astro chat @rkdongmin & @rkmbin & @rkpmh Tali got a double mention wtf stay in your lane FIRST THING FIRST man has it been fun to watch you two grow your love from Astro over this past time we’ve known and been talking to each other Tali you don’t count you were already hooked from the start but I had to include you in this section because you’re also an mvp. I just love how much these boys have captured your hearts, it’s so soft and pure and it makes me happy. I love the weird shenanigans our group chat always seems to be up to and there’s honestly never a dull moment. You guys are true mvps *finger guns*

KT Boyz @rksunwoo & @rkjohnny & @aronrk & @minhyukxrk & @rkgray & @taeminrk I KNOW THERE ARE MORE OF YOU SORRY BUT I HAVEN’T REALLY INTERACTED WITH Y’ALL YET SO *finger guns* let’s. You guys get a special mention here because you’ve honestly been taking such good care of me and Jinwoo. When he first got signed I was still so new that everything was incredibly overwhelming to both he and I, but you made me feel so welcome and helped me out with a lot of things both ic and ooc and I’m very thakful for that.

New gen Sphere Boyz @rkseokwoo & @rkjeon & @suhork I honestly can’t wait to get started on our shenanigans and get closer to y’all and your muses because i’m so excited for what’s in store for our boys. This can turn into something beautiful, and, I mean, if anything goes wrong we can always have Seokwoo go naked for the lulz

Other special mentions go to @rkxminhee & @rkseonho & @rksomi & @rkdonghyun & @rkmxrk being rad ass mofos who have also made me feel welcome ESPECIALLY JEN LIKE CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS BAD BITCH LET ME STAY IN HER APARTMENT MAN I MISS HER AND HER CATS let’s go swan boating again uwu

I probably forgot at least one person and I’m very sorry if I did but I’m running on not a lot of sleep and I’m sick af just know you’re all amazing and stay cool

I’m out

[hiraethstill]

Hey hey hey!! Could I get KuroKen with Kuro helping Kenma through a panic attack or a depressive episode??

Unknown Number

Kenma could feel himself shaking long before he managed to find an empty stall. But the real panic only started to set in in full force as he slumped against the wall, sliding into a sitting position and wrapping his arms around his knees– shuddering, shallow breaths and the blurred lines of the stall door, the wall, the toilet next to him, the crush of anxiety on his chest forcing the air out of his lungs, disconnecting him from his surroundings. It seemed as though he was looking at everything through the wrong end of a smudged telescope, but even more sickening was the cold familiarity of the feeling.

It took him at least half an hour of using any method he could think of to calm down before he trusted himself to uncurl his body and sit upright. Blinking, he rubbed at his eyes weakly, willing them to focus on something, anything. They eventually landed on the inevitable graffiti covering the wall, trailing along the crude “Fuck this shit,” which he silently agreed with, a drawing of a penis, which he did not appreciate, and a few Your Mom jokes, which he didn’t bother to read fully. It was only when his eyes skimmed a small message near the bottom that he paused.

Aside from the elaborately drawn chemistry diagram, there were five words.

Ever just need a friend?

Right under the message was a number.

He stared at it for a long time, like if he touched it, it wouldn’t be real. Finally, his hands moved on their own, taking out his phone. The rational part of him told him that it was a complete stranger, might even be a practical joke. The rest of him was too done with being alone and terrified that it worked on its own, taking a blind leap of faith.

His fingers stopped over the call button, however. It would be much harder to call the person and hear their voice while having to respond with his own weak one. A text would be much easier, safer.

Exhaling slowly, he exited out of the current screen and opened the texting app instead. His fingers already seemed to have memorized the number, typing with quick efficiency until he pulled up a chat box for the unknown addressee. Before he could second-guess himself any further, he let himself go, typing out exactly what he was feeling, all the words he wanted to throw in his teachers’ and classmates’ faces but could never bring himself to voice aloud.

Kenma: yes, i need a friend. because im so damn tired of myself and my inadequacies but no one will listen farther than a few times including my parents and do you know how hard it is just to get out from under the blankets in the morning and know that no one will truly want to see you or ask how youre doing and youre too anxious and withdrawn to ‘just go out and talk to people’ which you absolutely hate but cant do anything about except retreat into your shell and socially regress every single day when all you want is for someone to just. listen.

He took a deep breath, realizing he’d been holding it the whole time, and let it out, sagging back against the wall and letting his head tilt back toward the ceiling. There was a strange sense of calm creeping in at the edges of his mind and chest, almost a sort of relief. The truth was out there now, at least with one person, and even if whomever it was blocked him or never replied, he felt lighter.

What he didn’t expect was the chime of his phone about a minute later.

Blinking, he tilted his head back down to the screen. A new message had popped up from the unknown number. And another.

Unknown Number: I’d be more than happy to listen

Unknown Number: Maybe we’re strangers, but you can talk to me, tell me how you’re doing, about your day - I’ll keep listening, or uh, reading, oops

Despite himself, Kenma found the corner of his mouth lifting in the ghost of a smile. Every part of him that felt dragged through the mud felt as if it were reaching out, trying to grasp onto something. It was strange how he was gravitating toward a chance at hope when everything was so hopeless. There was only one thing to say.

Kenma: thank you

**********

Kuroo knew to turn off his phone during class, or at least silence it so the teacher wouldn’t know. Recently, it had been more of the latter since his mom had been in the hospital and had no qualms about texting him at all times of the day.

So when he looked down at the silent notification, his eyes didn’t register that it had come from a different number at first. It was only when he saw the long paragraph that he paused. Instinct told him to look up at the teacher to make sure she wasn’t paying attention to him, and he subtly tilted his head down so he could scan the screen.

Something in his chest clenched, and he checked the sender’s information. Unknown. But this unknown had reached out to him. The person had no other option, and that tugged at him inexplicably.

He wanted to help.

Quickly, he typed out a reply one-handed, pretending with the other that he was taking notes, and sent another just in case. Then he went back to the chat box for his mother just in case the teacher decided to question him, heart picking up.

When he checked again, there was a short answer. Just two words.

Unknown Number: thank you

Kuroo smiled to himself. He’d made a difference, no matter how slight, and he knew that could mean the world.

Kuroo: No problem

Kuroo: Are you in class right now?

Immediately after he’d send it, he pursed his lips in distaste. He had no way of knowing how old the person was, much less if they attended school or not. He probably sounded like a fool.

Unknown Number: no

Unknown Number: dont worry about it, ill go to class or home soon

Kuroo: Ah, okay

Kuroo: Just wondering where you got my number

Unknown Number: werent you the one that wrote it on the bathroom wall

Oh. Oh. So it was a kid that went to this school. Kuroo had almost forgotten writing it out on the wall, but some vague memory resurfaced from the previous year involving a 2000 yen bet, a squirrel, and a certain bully’s underwear.

Kuroo: Right, I did, sorry

Kuroo: Glad it was put to good use

It took a while for the next response, enough to let Kuroo fill at least a third of the page with actual notes.

Unknown Number: i still can’t believe it

Kuroo: Believe what?

Unknown Number: that youre still here talking to me

Kuroo: You’re kind of stuck with me now (-u0)

Unknown Number: …youre a dork

Kuroo had to smile at that. It really wasn’t far off the mark, and he was pleasantly surprised at how perceptive this person seemed to be. Intrigued, even.

Kuroo: Can’t argue with that~

**********

The daily conversations became less about anxiety the longer they went on, and more about daily life. Even the silences were companionable, not oppressive like before, as Kenma slowly learned that the other person didn’t expect anything of him, didn’t silently demand what others did. He stuck to his phone longer, but now it wasn’t completely because he was withdrawing from others. Now he had something to look forward to - someone to look forward to - and it was a comfort in so many ways.

Unknown, which was what he’d dubbed the person, was smart, he knew that, and cared a lot about his mother. He was also confident, which Kenma envied slightly, being uncomfortable in his own skin. Or maybe Unknown had just stopped caring what others thought.

Either way, he found himself checking his phone constantly, and while he still had panic attacks, still couldn’t bring himself to talk to people, still let the negative thoughts creep in often, he had this Unknown, finally had a constant.

It was a few months before he checked his phone one morning to more of a decision than a message.

Unknown: Hey, I was wondering since we’re in the same school and all, would you like to meet? Totally fine if not, I don’t want to pressure you into anything

It took him a few minutes to completely register that message. Texting was one thing, but face-to-face interaction? He still got anxious whenever he even passed people in the hallway. How could he willingly…

He stopped, took a deep breath. What was he really scared of? Unknown had done so much for him, and here he was, scared of something so simple. In fact, if they could meet in person, it might be even better, for the both of them. They could actually spend time together in person, do all the normal things that friends did. Unconsciously, his fingers were already replying, typing out a quick affirmative and asking when and where. It didn’t take long to receive a reply and sort out the details.

Saturday. Only a few days away.

**********

It was only as he was pulling on an acceptable shirt on Saturday morning that Kuroo realized he had no idea what to look for. They hadn’t talked at all about how they looked, so he could completely pass by the other and not even know. Hurriedly, he sent a text.

Kuroo: What should I look for?

Unknown: ill sit at the table closest to the door with my psp

Kuroo: Okay, see you soon

Gathering his wallet and keys, he stood and made his way out the door and toward the train station. A short ride and a quick walk found him standing in front of the cafe. He didn’t hesitate as he pushed his way inside, immediately looking around.

There, with a PSP clutched in his hands and knees curled up to his chest, was a boy who couldn’t be much younger than himself, sitting at the closest table as he’d said he would. The hair spoke of laziness or just apathy, brown roots showing through the dyed blonde. Luminous amber eyes flicked up toward him, and seemed about to flick right back to his game, but Kuroo held them there as he stepped up to the table.

“Are you…?” he started, then stopped. The eyes seemed to grow even wider, blinking rapidly. “Are you okay?” he finished, coming to sit across from him.

The other nodded slowly and ducked his head, seeming to be trying to swallow. When he finally spoke, his voice was soft, uninflected.

“You’re… taller than I thought.”

Kuroo was slightly taken aback, but broke into a grin and took the seat across from him. “And you’re smaller than I thought, but hey, both are okay.”

The blonde paused his game and set it carefully on the table, looking up. “Your name…?”

“Kuroo Tetsurou.” He reached out with a hand slightly, but stopped himself. No contact, right. Instead, he settled for a smile.

The other’s voice seemed be softer and stronger all at once. “Kozume Kenma.” Kuroo was surprised when he reached across the table himself and touched his palm to the taller male’s in a sort of half-handshake.

“I’m…” Kenma hesitated. “Well, thank you for coming.”

“I’m the one that invited you,” Kuroo pointed out.

“Yeah, but…” Kenma shrugged, and Kuroo understood, he really did.

“Hey,” he said, softer. “It’s alright. I know.”

The immensely grateful look in Kenma’s eyes made it all worth it.

Just goes to show, sometimes I get extremely carried away. This was almost 2K on google docs, and first written on what was supposed to be scratch paper after state testing. Oops.

[ijustwantagoodurl]

A lil personal vent in the tags. I'll try and remember to delete this tomorrow but like,,,, it's the fucking internet, thisll slip into the void just like every other forgotten relic of time

[quietengineersurvivor]

11.4.17

I havent been feeling myself for the last few days. So I am back here and writing. I don’t know exactly when it started, I have been a bit harder on myself of late, but I thought that was helping and giving me direction, and the feeling of accomplishment of goal completeing/pursuing. But that is more and overall scope. My current goals are to save my money so I can look to purchase somewhere so I can stop paying rent. I can’t go back and live with my parents, that I know. But I’ve agreed to go back there on weekends, what is that about. I know i need to show gratitude, they are letting me stay there, but do i want to? I did start looking for jobs in that area even, I’m not sure, I think i would prefer to be on my own all the same.

My grandfather passed away a few weeks ago, just before my mothers birthday, and that was a sad ocassion, but I thought I had got through that. I am gratefeul for how Gab rescued me from it at one stage. 

I thought i ad got through that OK, i had reminded myself I wasnt to see him again, and thats what death is, an inability to someone ever again no matter how much you may want to. Similar is choosing not to see someone ever again, which also is a thing. 

So that was all through, and i was working on saving my money, I think at that time I may have been a bit busier, I was doing guitar straight away after work, and that was giving me some release, and i was getting head space at work which was nice, of late i have been rushing a bit, and it can be difficult coming down from that doing doing doing. So i would play guitar for a bit and that was good, becaus ei have decided i would like to play guitar, and thats one of my goals. Nothing but that. And I am branching into blue which suits me fine, as many of my favoiurite artists hang out in that genre, and i can still spill back out into rock if that is what i choose. 

Ok so saving money, and guitar. And I;ve also been training my running so i can look to compete in a half marathon. I was going to go away to the hunter valley with a guy from work, but there is little talk in that front, and i am hesitant to bring it up, so i wont. But i am still training for it. Well I was, but then i got injured at soccer around 9 days ago and have injured my groin, which i am working at repairing, but it means no training in running, which i was taking to quite well. I’m not sure where i will compete for the half marathon, but i will keep training for it, well at least get a 5km base 2-3 times a week. But it would be good to get it done this year. I would say Hunter Valley is unlikely to happen, but there is one in the city coming up, which i can lookin into, well i have looked into it, but i still havent decided if i will enter. That is something i need to decide upon. Which apparently i have designated for the end of this week. 

Other than that I cam training my brain for some reason using a nintendo ds game, i have noticed when i feel good i perform pretty well in this game, so this would be a good way to test my mental health. I feel foggy by the way. And lethargic and unmotivated, and i am worried i will lose my mind and memory, i feel like a husk. and i still feel, but all i want to do is be alone, which is a dangerous thing. 

On Thursday night past, I went to get my glasses, and i was getting eyes from one of the girls, but wouldnt do anything to secure her advances. 

At that time, my only thought was to get my glasses, obviously i didnt want to go, but i might as weel go because there is a time. I guess i have been doing that at work the last few days, and it has started to take a toll. Anyway there was this girl giving me eyes and i was aware of here, she was making it easy for me, but i wouldnt talk to here, i didnt know what to say, and i didnt want everyone to see me talking to her, so i proceeded to blank her, finding oblivious ignoring the easier thing for me to do. But still at this stage i was still mentally working, i was still there, and now i feel like im not. At this very moment i feel okay, but over the course of the last few days i have not. 

SO that was Thursday, Friday was a little different I worked, and I was usng this computer program to generate diagrams, i am still learning it, as it is a good skill to have. So i worked hard on Thursday so i would be able to work on this program. And there i am told by Dave that Mitch has asked hm not to let me use the program. So that’s not very good thing to hear, when i am desparate to get better at this program, so i can become better and more confident with designing, so i can look for a future possible in designing. This is my current aim for at work beyond doing enough not to get fired, and do a good job. I also have the aim to relarn a bit of the chemical engineering things in Perrys when i find time. My current plan is to only use that program once a week for a few hours. and then otherwise when i finish my work to get into that book. I just seem to be fucking around on a whole bunch of half arsed stuff that i can’t really get my teeth stuck into, or a whole plan to get done. Im more working at the rate things spill onto me, from other people, and i have been finding it a bit overwhelming. Nothing is being communicated to me about changes. I’m just working on my feet, and doing a bit of other peoples work. Now that was today, yesterday i can barely remember, i was very tired is all i know in the morning, and i slowly got to work, but i remember feeling a little off, and having many teas. I was like its a Monday, and i normally feel a little off Mondays. Again it was a bit of a weird one, but when i spoke with Ryan yesterday I think i was still a little on, as i tried to help him find this contract for this flow meter i am looking to get supplied. And i spoke with Scott while we had to check on the glue that wasn’t filling quickly enough, but i think theres a permanent fix on that now, but all that was holding me up. I managed to get some physicals cut, so i will have time hopefully Thursday to do some work on Solidworks. I guess that means it was only today when i felt a lot off. 

So last night i got in and had to ice my thighs, and i read a bit through this time, then i ate some dinner, and started to complete my guitar practice and lesson. And it all went pretty well. I did comple coitus inturptus. and at the end of which i was still annoyed at myself for not completing re-evaluating life goals, which i wanted to look at, after being challenged first by myself for skipping out of plans that didnt line up with my current goals, but also challenged by my sister, who made me feel the way in which i avoid social interactions is bad, while i do it becasuse i value my own time more. I dont know, so i havent reevaluated. So post coitus interputus i thought about it, and came up with make up early and no coitus inteutus for a month, which was a long standing one from when i got back from NZ. i have already failed on the second one, as i dont know why i have it, and i understad i have it to increase desire, but withough a resource to relocate that energy i though it not the best option in my current mind, which is at a somewaht battle over it, not its first battle but a battle all the same. 

So last nigh i listened to Stevy Ray Vaughan play his guitar, and he is quite talented on the old guitar, different from B.B. King though, whose guitaring i could follow, which left me feel a bit overwheled and underwheling as a player. But its somewhere to aim for. And im unsure if i want to learn blues, as it isn’t my favouite variant of music, but as i said before i can use it as a stepping stone for rock. And i am getting better. 

So i woke up early this monring, and felt a little foggy, got to work a bit early because i was hungry, and thats where food is located, got to eating, and got to meeting, and it all went quite well. But it was around this time i started to feel a bit weird, and im still unsure exactly what created it, but maybe i am a bit overwhelmed by everything and i need to take a step back for a little bit, so i can get back to normal. Because i have also been slowly neglecting texting my friends, putting it off until all my stuff is done, which i cant get all done and yeah. 

Now after all this i still feel a little overwhelemed. and a bit off. and i still am unsure what to do. Other than wait, and hope to feel better. Without recognizig the true cause, but i suspect it is overwhelming. 

Until later, 

Which i think will be soon

Upon rereading this, i fiure i am being anxious and putting too much pressure on myself to be someone i am not, yes i can work well, but i need to do it my own way, and then when i notice i am not feeling flash i scracth at the wound and make it all worse. Its when i stare at my thiughts trying to see fi they are normal, where i need to step back and just let me be. Its this odd balance of goals and not scrutinizing myself. 

Okay anxious reducing time.