#im actually also a few chapters into the long halloween and a bit past the intro of arkham city

[astyr-art]

i have once again jumped to a new fandom LMAO ya bois gettin into BATMAN. i bought the arkham trilogy on steam a lil while ago when they were on sale, and i also bought a couple of comics. but so far ive only played through asylum and only read year one cuz ive been too busy just stalking the batman tag on here LOL

ANYWAY this is my attempt at figuring out how i wanna draw bruce. tbh im not 100% sold on how ive drawn his face but i do think this is how ill be drawing the suit! i wanted to put my own spin on it while still taking inspo from official designs and i like where i landed here (ovo)b

[saladbarselectionmenu]

Horses are Tyrian cryptids

Halloween 2020 prompt 1: cryptids @tyrias-library

Listen this is technically late but I just wanted to write about horses as cryptids because it remains the funniest thing in the world to me that tyria is just, completely horseless and lets be real horses are absolutely terrifying when you actually think about them.

(X) this is the noise I was envisioning the horse to be making, for those of you who like me have never really heard a horse being mad, enjoy this new weird knowledge you have of exactly how freaky and reptilian they sound. I also understand better the idea of sounding “hoarse.”

if im hyperlinking this right you can read on Ao3 Here (X) Otherwise click to continue!

Evening on the ranch is quiet - with the skyscales fed and cared for the only sounds filtering through the kitchen were the soft clicks of a knife on a chopping board as Amadaria prepared dinner and the faint, nearly imperceptible hum of Emerics data pad. The gentle scene washed in the swaying golden light of sunset where it filtered through the trees.

“THERE’S A HORSE AT THE WATERFALL.” Cheza shrieks as she crashes through the door, her momentum nearly sending her head over heels and saving her from the knife that goes sailing out the open door around where her head was a moment before.

The kitchen pauses any previous activity save for Cheza panting furiously for breath, Amadaria quickly retracting her arm back down before clearing her throat, “A horse, Cheza?” The young sylvari bobbles her head, desperation and excitement beaming from her face and posture as she waves her arms erratically out the door, “It has to be! It looks like a centaur but it has no arms! Just a big, long face and these weird teeth!” she says, putting her hands up in front of her face, parallel to each other with wrists close to her mouth and fingers pointing outwards before wiggling them back and forth in what apparently approximate teeth to her? Amadaria wasn’t sure but knew better than to ask why exactly that meant teeth or it’d be several more hours before they got back to the possible horse sighting.

“Ah, I thought horses were extinct? Or so close to that they may as well have been, Are you sure you didn't see some kind of monstrous deer?” Emeric suggests gently, “we are after all in melandru’s domain, there are a few massive versions of animals here and horses haven't been sighted in hundreds of years at the least.” “No way! This thing didn’t look anything like a deer, not even like Hellal! It’s legs were way too thick, and it’s tail was this big, long thing! Like human hair instead of like a deer's cute little tail, and it’s hooves were wrong and so was it’s face! There’s no way it was anything but a horse,” Cheza paused then as a new idea visibly crossed her mind, hands fisting by her chest in excitement, her eyes and face literally lighting up like a lightbulb with her bright, white glow, “or maybe, a new species?!” “A horse would be more likely, it even sounds like you got a good look at it” Amadaria interrupts, deciding to put that idea to rest before it could take hold and leave the younger disappointed. Switching her attention to Emeric before continuing. “As you say this is the living section of Dragonfall and if there's anywhere a horse is going to be found it’s in the ruins of the human nature God domain.” she switches her attention back to Cheza then, raising the ridge of one ‘eyebrow’ “The real question is whether it was alive or not.” The youngest pauses, face scrunching as she recalls. Her glow dimming slightly as she thought, “I think so,” she says finally, “It wasn’t glowing or giving off that mist like the guardians here do, but sometimes I think things here get confused on whether they’re dead or not too.” Amadaria nods, clapping her hands together and drying them off on a towel, “Well then, sounds like we have a new sighting to find!” Chezas glow and expression flicks right back up to megawatt standards. ---

Crouched in the trees atop their skyscales, Cheza visibly vibrating with excitement atop her shimmerwing while Emeric clung to Amadarias back as if the slightest shift would send him plummeting to his death at the end of the maybe fifteen foot fall, Amadaria has to admit that Cheza does, in fact, seem to have found a horse. Something no one had managed in either the campaign against Kralkatorrik nor in the intervening near year of the island being studied and inhabited.

There at the edge of the waterfall pool, drinking from the water and paying absolutely zero attention to the three people crouched on dragons fifty feet away from it stood a truly bizarre looking creature.

Long, thick legs with chunky cowlike hooves stretched almost six feet leading into a body covered in short gleaming chestnut fur stretched over an almost ridiculous amount of muscle. Sure enough it’s tail was a swath of overlong but graceful hair, flicking back and forth lazily at nothing.

The horse’s strangest feature however had to be on the front. Amadaria was old enough for most of her visions of The Dream to have come and gone, leaving it a smear of memory in her mind slowly losing its clarity, with Ventari more of a memory imprint than properly remembered. She had, however, seen more than enough centaur in her waking life to find the lack of torso jutting from the creatures front to be particularly jarring.

Instead its wide neck arched down into an oblong head with pointed ears and the truly impressive but blunt teeth Cheza had tried to imitate in the kitchen. It’s eyes were wide, dark and shining. Much like a deer or a goat they popped bulbously out to either side of it’s head.

“Should we try and catch it?” Cheza hissed, the horses ear flicking in their direction before it went back to ignoring them.

“Maybe we should wait and see if it has a herd?” Emeric suggested, daring to lean forward to get an inches closer look.

“We might lose it. Go for catch and release and we’ll get a tracking tag on it. That way we can follow it’s movements too.” she tapped Emerics hands and shifted so he could let her go, a practised shuffle leaving him with the reigns in hands and Amadaria on the branches of the tree. A shimmer of light later her crystalline wings were half furled and ready for take off. 

“Herd it towards the roots and I'll see if I can get on it’s back for implanting the chip.”

The other two nod and launch, the horse suddenly paying attention as the two dragons sweep around the outer edges of the pond and cut off it’s escape. Emeric hovering low to the ground and stopping it retreating as Cheza sped in to herd it forward. The horse took off like a shot with a sound not unlike a raptor - sprinting head long at the tree but not without trying to force Cheza from the sky, rearing and swerving like it wanted to catch the skyscales wings in it’s teeth or under its hooves and wasn’t picky which.

Quicker than she would have thought the three are near enough to Amadaria for her to leap off onto it as it sprints past the roots of her tree, the creature coming to a sudden stop with a spray of water and leaping into the air as soon as her arms get around its neck. Bucking, writhing and rearing the creature does its absolute best to get her off and - if the way its eyes were rolling in fury were any indication - trample her to death under its hooves.

Thankfully the tracking gun is an easy application, Amadaria shimmies up it’s back and snags the ear in the pincers of the gun, a quick button later and the horse is tagged with the small blinking light that indicates an active tracking signal. The horse lets out another growl like snort at deafening volume and slams itself onto all fours, getting ready to buck. Using it to her advantage Amadaria uses the extra force to boost herself into the air just a bit higher than a normal take off would allow and soars up out of the furious creatures reach. The animal stomped and reared at her where she hovered a good forty feet above it, giving off one last truly atrocious noise before galloping off as Cheza and Emeric circled back around to meet her on the ground.

Her feet thumping down on landing nearly cover up the sound of her heart in her ears, exhilaration racing through her veins as Amadaria meets the others excited grins with a buoyant beam of her own, “I think we can call that a success!” she laughed.

Cheza cheered as Emeric beamed his own proud smile down at Amadaria. “How does it feel to be the first person to ride a horse in the last few hundred years?” he asked. Another giddy laugh bubbled out of her, unstoppable in her mirth, “Probably about as good as it feels to be the first to see one! I can’t wait to see the looks the other Priory members will have when they hear about this!” She grins up at Cheza, “You have first sight so you get final say on the name of the paper, any thoughts?” Two weeks later the first chapter of “The Shrieking Menace - an account of the rediscovery of horses by Cheza, Amadaria and Emeric” rolls out to datapads across the continent, resulting in renewed clamour for research opportunities on the island and a spike of funding from quite a few human nobles.

[ziracona]

I reread your bit about rin in the last chapter and oh my god im crying. You did my girl justice. I'm so proud of her and i'm glad she had fun. I love the thought that she's helping him in little ways. ;') and oh my god. i love the myers siblings. Do you mind if I ask for hcs? because oooohhhmygod. need more

Awww thank you so much! I really liked the Adam-Rin segment too. I wanted to talk about Rin, but being an Onryo made it so I just couldn’t feasibly in the bulk of the story. Really glad I still got to give her her moment in the sun. : ) Adam’s such a great dude too, and I’m so happy he found meaning the way he did and keeps up such an active and deep relationship with someone who’s passed on. It’s not an easy thing to do, but I think it’s kind, and meaningful. And sure! I’m not sure if you mean Laurie and Mikey or Judith too since I got a few Judith asks yesterday, but ima assume this is ILM related and you’re looking for post-fic Laurie & Michael (sorry if that’s not the intended ask TuT). I did more but this is already a lot so I didn’t post them all haha. Here you go!

Laurie would be very unlikely to make the first move in a romantic relationship. She’s so used to prioritising survival, even when she’s okay again her brain is always, “keep homeostasis” as her directive, and adding a relationship does not fall under that listing. That said, she definitely still develops feelings, and would want things to happen. But I think it would be slow. I think with Laurie, she’d be going to lunches and having long talks and drinks and staying up and falling asleep on the couch together, in and out like each others’ presence belongs in their respective homes, come to each other for support and with hard days and for life advice, go to the theatre together and let them buy her a drink like they always do without being asked, brought back a nice gift from a trip, she waits up for them to get home to greet them, for like 1-3 years solid before one day they just take her hand and kind of smile and she realises she’s been in a relationship for two years and they just never said it, and maybe they won’t now, maybe not for another two years, but they know it, and she’s so happy.

Michael never cuts his hair short, but does not mind Laurie making him let her give him ponytails when they’re working on something, because it does get in his face.

Laurie softballs Michael for a while, since, well, she’s trying to help him reintegrate into society as a human being after having had a childhood that was basically just a 15 year stretch of psychological trauma, and being kind and supportive is a must. But after a few years, she’s gotten much more comfortable and sibling-ish in her interactions. She’ll definitely still be serious and supportive if anything happens and he needs it, but she’ll also give him shit for eating her food or not getting up off the bed she’s trying to make. He enjoys annoying her and does it for fun. Will hold eye contact and eat the cupcake she was saving just to watch her flip, like a cat batting an orange off a counter (or, you know, a sibling who’s feeling /that/ vibe rn.)

Laurie is 99% of Michael’s impulse control. If he and Quentin do something together without her, it /will/ be a disaster, because where Laurie inflicts neutral levels of chaos on the group w her lawful, Michael will almost instantaneously get Quentin to swap from lawful to chaos if she’s not there. They will both be fine, but there /will/ be something on fire when she gets back.

Laurie, walking into the house and seeing then throwing objects into a burning wastebasket in the living room: I don’t like what I’m seeing. Bring me up to speed.

Quentin: So, we maybe have illegally destroyed a car—but it’s okay! We had a good reason! Plus, we destroyed the evidence. Let me explain. So, this guy-

Laurie: :/

Michael: *gives her a ‘what’s your problem?’ gesture*

Michael and Laurie physically fight for nostalgia’s sake sometimes (for fun-get exasperated and performatively MMA. They would not actually injure each other).

One time, Laurie and Michael were walking home together from a movie and a guy drove by and whistled at Laurie and said something vulgar, and Michael stepped into the road and smashed the front of his car with his foot. It was beautiful. They did have to flee the scene but Laurie was /gleeful/. The dude in the car saw his gd life flash before his eyes and rethought some life choices.

It is a long time before Michael is willing to take any kind of meds for his psychosis (very understandably), but when Quentin eventually graduates Med school, six or so years later (bless u Jake for forging him some credits), he is willing to try a few given by him. It is not a good or easy couple of months, but he does it.

Michael gets along surprisingly well with the survivors. Most of them are pretty intimidated, but he’s genuinely chill, and they’ve been through weirder shit so 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s like “Welp. This might as well happen.” and accept him in. Meg is a big thot. She’s into Susie and would never cheat and Susie knows this, but Meg will still flirt like crazy with Michael bc it’s her personality, and Michael, who’s never had this ever happen, is /beyond/ confused. Every time she says something stupid like, “Damn you’re tall. If I wasn’t a married woman, I’d climb you like a jungle gym.” He gives her the exact look Sam gives Gollum when he’s dissing potatoes in lotr.

Since she knew his and his family’s whole names and his wife’s face, Laurie tracks down Sujan’s family and tells them everything she can about what happened and how good he was, and what a difference the first person in the realm who was kind to her made.

Michael really enjoys traveling. He’s been cooped up his whole life. Spent 15 years in one little white room, and then 40 in reproductions of Haddonfield in the realm. Really, except for his solo journey from Wisconsin to home, he’s never left the state of Illinois. He goes with the survivor squad on their group trips, once he’s comfortable enough, and is consistently amazed. He’s not a very visibly emotive person, and can’t physically be bc of his psychosis symptoms, but his eyes will get big seeing the northern lights from a platform, and he’ll grab Laurie or Quentin’s wrist & point to make sure they’re seeing it too, and Laurie has never been so happy. After his first trip, he very much looks forward to the annual event.

Dr. Loomis is the only thing Michael as an adult has ever feared. (Obviously all humans feel temporary fear, like if a car comes at you or someone with a gun. But past instantaneous shock-fear, I don’t think Michael has ever been afraid of anyone else). This is based off of canon, because to me Michael reads as scared of him, especially in Halloween 2. He pauses and then retreats from Loomis in the first film, and when he sees Loomis running down streets looking for him in 2, he hides (I actually really love the Michael pov in Halloween 2 in the open. It was very humanising). Then, at the end of 2, when he’s blind and Laurie and Loomis have filled the room with ether, and Loomis tells him it’s over, he stops trying to find and kill Loomis and freezes. I genuinely think because he was scared of Loomis and has been for years (after that treatment constantly in isolation as a child, how could he not be?) and has known since he was 6 Loomis wants to kill him, so when he basically says “I’m about to kill you,” he believes him and it scares him. It’s the axe that’s been waiting to drop since he was a kid.

Laurie goes to cons with Nea, Quentin, & Min occasionally, and has dressed up as all three OG Star Wars protagonists like the lovely huge nerd she is. Has also made Michael sit down and watch all the movies w her.

Michael and Laurie go visit Judith a lot. They’ll pack a picnic lunch and talk with her and about her at her grave. It was very hard the first time they went there, especially for Michael, but after a while, it helps. It’s a way to deal with what was done in the past that makes it seem surmountable. It also helps to deal with the loss of someone they both cared for. When they go, Laurie always gets Michael to tell her something about her older sister she hast heard yet. David tracks down an old high school album from 1963, and is able to get three pictures of Judith colorised and they’re able to have a nice full-color photo of her to hang up in the house.

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 27

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -3.9k. -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- you can send me questions and theories and comments. tbh they all make me SO SO SO SOOOO HAPPY! and make me want to write more! you can also tell me if there are things you WANT to happen. you never know, i may add it :P

- thanks for being patient btw! i work a lot these days and will work even more in the next few weeks (until halloween) so i may not update as often as i’d like. :(

- not many “Niall & Liv” moments, im sorry. i promise more in the next chapter!!!

-please, message me, give me feedbacks, it would mean sooo much to me!

Chapter 27 : Her chapter 

OLIVIA

I was still crying when I parked in front of Niall's house and I stayed a few minutes in my car, my forehead leaning on the wheel as both my hands gripped it tight. I didn't know what I expected but when I felt Niall's hand on my stomach, I was shocked. I knew we had been talking about sex a bit before and of course I was sad, but I didn't link that with the fact that Niall wanted to pleasure me. Just thinking about it again made my heart jump in my chest and as hurt as I was at this exact moment, thinking about the words he whispered in my ear and his hard cock against my thigh was turning me on in a way I couldn't explain.

Finding out the next morning that he still had a girlfriend and that what he did to me meant nothing was extremely rough. I had felt so light as I fell asleep but now everything felt heavy, even breathing. Especially breathing.

My tears kept falling on my cheeks as sobs escaped my lips and I suddenly felt so mad at Niall that I wanted to scream. I started hitting the wheel roughly, letting out a short yell, and although I knew I probably looked pathetic, I couldn't help it.

"I love you okay! I fucking love you Niall Horan!"

Just expressing it out loud made me nauseous as my whole body started throbbing. Did I ever say these words before? I was pretty sure I hadn't. The closest was when Harry asked me if I loved Niall and I said yes but other than that, I never wanted to say it.

I stopped hitting my car and started crying again for I don't know how long but when I got out of my car, the tears had finally stopped. My eyes were red and puffy but at least I was not crying anymore. I unlocked his door and walked inside, not liking how quiet it was without Niall around. I was not used to be here without him but since he was at my place and that I had rushed out, I needed some clothes to get changed and I was not ready to see him again.

I walked to his room and found a pair of jeans and a band shirt that I left there a while ago and quickly dressed up before sitting on his bed. I couldn't help but play the scene of our first and only sexual encounter over and over in my head. How good his fingers had felt, how hot it had been to find out he had masturbated thinking about me, how turned on I was to feel him grind his hard dick against the side of my thigh.

I turned my head to look at his bed, knowing it would be wrong to touch myself right there and then but still considering it. I felt my cheeks burn at the thought and finally shook my head. I was sad, so sad that my heart was even more broken then it had been before, but most of all, I was mad at myself for thinking Niall could be interested in me as more than a close friend. i knew Harry had said otherwise and I had allowed myself to believe it for a few hours but now the fairy tale was over.

I felt so conflicted by all the feelings inside me that I just closed my eyes and tried to focus on my breathing. My emotions were all over the place and I didn't know why I felt horny all while feeling extremely sad and in pain. I was about to lay down in Niall's bed when my phone beeped.

I sighed and forced myself to look at it, scared that it would be Niall. I didn't feel ready to talk just yet and I knew I wouldn't be able to tell him no if he wanted to see me. To my surprise, it was actually a text message from Julie and it made me frown. It's not that we didn't get along but she was mostly Liam's girlfriend to me, whom was Niall's bandmate and nothing more. We had spent some time on tour together but even if I really liked her company, she spent most of her time with her boyfriend while I spent mine with Niall or Harry.

'Need to talk, can we come over?'

The 'we' implied Liam and I was suddenly curious to find out why they needed to talk to me. Curious enough to answer the message immediately. I couldn't tell them to come to my place since Niall was still there, or I guessed so, and asking them to have a discussion in Niall's house while he wasn't there seemed plain wrong.

'Can I go to your place instead?' I quickly typed and hit send, getting an answer immediately after.

'Of course'

She ended up texting me their address and I told her I was on my way but I remained sitting on Niall's bed, running my hand on his sheets gently. I missed him, I lusted him, I was mad at him... but most of all, I loved him. I loved him so much it hurt like hell. In the past few months, I had allowed myself to really feel the love I had for Niall, to let it invade all of me and even accept it as a part of me. However, the consequences seemed horrible and I did everything I could to keep my tears in this time.

With an other sigh, I finally got up and grabbed a water bottle from his fridge before going back to my car. All I wanted was to go home and get drunk but instead, I drove to the address Julie sent me and parked in front of the house. It was immense, horribly huge, and I ended up thinking i'd probably get lost if i lived in a place like this. My awkward and clumsy ass clearly couldn't remember where she put her stuff. I could barely keep my small apartment in order anyway.

It didn't take long for the door to swing open after I rang the doorbell and Liam sent me a smile, bringing me into an awkward hug before telling me to come in. Julie hugged me too and for some reason, I felt like something I didn't understand was happening.

"Beer? Wine?" Liam asked, pointing a finger at me and making me chuckle.

"Wine, white or red, i'm not picky."

He winked and left as Julie told me to sit. I did what she asked and leaned against the back of the couch, staring at her with small eyes. She looked slightly uncomfortable, as if she wanted to talk to me about something touchy and that she didn't know where to start. I thank Liam when he came back with a glass of white wine and moved on the couch to sit on the edge of it.

"Just let it come out the way it will." I proposed Julie, raising my eyebrows. "We'll work with it."

I stared at her for a few seconds and decided to take a sip just as she decided to answer.

"Did you ever tell Niall that you're in love with him?"

I was so shocked by her question that I choked on my wine, coughing a few time before swallowing hard and looking up at her.

"What?" I asked with a frown. "What makes you think that-"

"Liv, please." she cut me gently, raising one of her hands up to stop me. "It's pretty obvious."

I breathed in and held it in, closing my eyes for a few seconds before sighing and opening them again. My eyes moved from Julie to Liam and then back on Julie. I let my shoulders fall and brought my glass back to my lips, drinking half of it before shrugging.

"No I never told him, I don't see the point." I explained low. "He doesn't feel like that for me. But hey, i'll survive."

Julie glanced at her boyfriend before looking back at me. I still wasn't sure why I was there and I wanted to ask her but I also didn't want to seem rude.

"Look, you need to talk to him again. This sort of separation you two are in? It's bad."

I wanted to answer and tell her that we were back to talking but after what had happened this morning, I was not sure anymore. It felt horrible to explain, too, and discussing what Niall did to me the night before made my heart jump with embarrassment. I also sort of wanted to keep it to myself, like some memory I cherished since it would probably be the first and last time something sexual would happen between Niall and I. That being said, in a while, when it doesn't hurt as much, it would definitely become a memory I'll gladly use late at night.

"I mean it, Liv. It's really bad. Niall's a mess without you, he's miserable and he doesn't want to talk about it. I think you should tell him how you feel. We've been waiting for you two to date for years."

This time, I chuckled and rolled my eyes, drinking what's left of my glass. Liam quickly got up to go back to the kitchen and I sighed,  tilting my head and looking at Julie.

"Niall doesn't love me. Not like that, not romantically. Niall dates people like Maya and Heidi or that girl who had a youtube channel or something like that. Not girls like me."

"Niall loves you, Olivia. He clearly does, even Liam noticed!"

As if on cue, Liam came back with the whole wine bottle and filled my glass again before turning to his girlfriend with a frown.

"What did I notice?"

"Niall." she simply answered in a low tone before Liam turned back to me, his eyebrows raised.

"He's in love with you, no doubt."

"See?" Julie quickly added, making me chuckle again and close my eyes. "Even Liam finds it obvious!"

I wanted to thank them for being so sweet but I felt like I knew Niall better than them and with the way he treated me, I couldn't believe anything they had said.  I was tired to be hurt, there's just so many times I can have my heart broken, and keeping my hopes up would just hurt me more and more every time.

"He's stubborn, and blind, and stupid." she expressed in a serious tone. "And I know it sucks but you can't expect him to tell you he loves you first. He doesn't even know he does or at least, he won't admit it to himself. It has to be you, you need to tell him so he can finally open his eyes."

"He's probably scared of what he could feel, and also to lose you forever. He doesn't want to see how much he loves you and I can assure you that he's never loved an other girl the way he loves you." Liam added, reaching for Julie's hand and squeezing it gently.

I looked at their hands together and did everything I could not to tear up. I hated their speech because it was starting to make me believe that maybe they were right and I didn't want to. It was too dangerous. At the same time, I knew part of what Julie was saying was true. I couldn't keep on living my life with this big secret, with these strong and intense emotions inside me without ever telling him. I had to tell him how I feel, I had to say it even if it meant I would lose him because the more time passed, the more we fought and the more miserable I was. If I never tell him, i will always wonder what would have happened if I had, and it's better to regret doing something than regret not doing it. It had always been my motto for everything else, it had to be for this, too.

"Okay, I think I will."

                                                        -----

I drank half the bottle of wine and decided to text Niall to ask him to pick me up. Julie made me promise to give her news and I just nodded because deep down, I knew it wouldn't be good news. Liam told me he'd have someone drive my car back to my apartment and I thanked him, knowing that arguing about it would be useless.

When I saw Niall's car pull in the driveway, my heart threatened to jump out of my throat but I just walked slowly to the passenger's door, waving at my hosts and getting inside. I looked at my best friend and realized that I couldn't give up on him even if I wanted to, whether it was as friends or as more. I would always feel something for him, something deep. It seemed like all we did recently was fight and make up and I was not used to it but I knew we were changing, just like our relationship together and those who had with others, and it was okay. I was ready to do anything to keep Niall in my life. At all cost. He had told me I was his priority but I wasn't sure he had noticed that he had always been mine.

He drove in silence but I knew he was glancing at me from time to time but it's only when he put his hand on my thigh that I gave him all my attention. I focused on the way his thumb rubbed gently in circles against my pants and I swallowed hard, torn between pushing him away or just enjoying his light touch, which resulted in me simply keeping quiet.

He parked and we got out before I followed him inside. I cleared my throat, not really knowing were to start. I didn't want this to be heavy but at the same time, I wanted him to tell me a few things that could change so many things.

"I came here earlier, to get some of my clothes and get changed." I admitted.

"I know." he just let out, throwing his keys on the coffee table and making me chuckle and frown.

"How do you know? You've got an alarm system that messages you when someone gets in your house?"

He turned to me and shrugged with a small smile.

"Yea, but I'm still not totally sure how it works." he let out with a smile, making me laugh. "I just noticed what you were wearing, that's all."

My smile faltered a bit and I shrugged a shoulder before sitting on his couch.

"We need to talk, right?" I asked, not really knowing what to answer to his last comment.

"We need to talk."

He sat slowly next to me and sighed before turning my way. His eyes met mine and I thought about what Julie and Liam told me. Would I really be able to tell Niall how I feel? Would I be able to let out words I had expressed out loud for the first time in the last hours even if I had been feeling them for years, and now in front of the only man i've ever loved? That seemed like the end of the world. My world.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's a bit of everything and I promise i'm not trying to find excuses but..." he shook his head and sighed again. "You were sad, we talked about sex, you said you missed it... I wanted to make you feel better, I just... I really wanted to touch you. I wanted to watch you.."

He stopped himself and I held my breath. His words made my whole body burn and I knew it should have been a bit embarrassing but it was not at all. I wanted him to talk more, I wanted to know everything he felt and thought.

"What I said when I was touching you... it was true, you know. I would lie if I said I didn't have this... newfound lust for you. I do. You noticed it, didn't you?"

I remembered the way he got hard when we fell on the floor after we danced but it was the only example I could think about.

"No, not really." I admitted, making him frown. "I mean okay, after we dance and you fell on me I felt something but it could have been just a coincidence."

"I told you." he laughed. "I'm not 16 years old anymore."

Thinking that I actually made him horny and hard at least three times in the past weeks was incredible and I swallowed the smile that wanted to draw itself on my lips.

"What I mean is, I wanted it but I didn't think about how it would make you feel. Mentally, I mean. I'm sorry for that. I didn't think."

"You said it meant nothing." I pointed out, feeling my heart stir hard in my chest as my smile fell completely. "That hurt, you know."

He rubbed both his hands on his eyes and shook his head with a groan. It really seemed like he felt guilty and I couldn't help but feel endeared by him. I didn't know how he brought all these feelings to appear inside me but he was the only one who could make me feel so intensely.

"You know that's not what I meant, i'm sorry." he started, finally looking up at me. "I'm with Maya and that was so wrong. I didn't think about her at all or about how you'd feel after finding out I was still with her after I touched you. I thought with my dick and i'm sorry. But... Liv, yea, i'm with Maya but... she's always come second."

I felt myself tear up and held my breath to be sure not to miss a word he'd say.

"She asked me if i'd ever love her the way I love you and I told her I didn't know but it made me think and.. No, I never will. I don't think I can ever be close to someone the way I am with you, or love anyone the way I love you, and It's scary as fuck. Because... I mean, will I ever find someone for me? To have a decent relationship with? I mean, no girl I can date will accept to be second, right?"

I let a tear slide down my cheek as I tried to keep my sobs in. The truth was, I didn't know if I was sad or happy with what he had just admitted.

"Please, don't cry."

I sniffed, unable to talk and knowing that my voice would just crack if I tried. And he moved closer, bringing his hand to my cheek and wiping the tear with his thumb. But right after, he didn't pull away. He remained close to me, his palm burning the skin of my face, and the only thing I wanted to do was to kiss him. His eyes roamed on my face and I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to kiss him and tell him how much I love him. I wanted to kiss him and tell him that if i'd always be first, maybe it was because we were meant to be more than friends, that we were meant to be together... that we were some sort of soulmates.

I had no idea if I would have done it or not because the doorbell rang and he moved back, dropping his hand on his lap and sighing loud. He was not happy to be interrupted by whoever was on the other side of the door and I wasn't either but I used this time to swallow my pain and breathe in deeply.

I closed my eyes and he left to answer while I played the scene that had just happened over and over again in my head. He came back and I finally opened my eyes, the images behind my eyelids immediately vanishing, and my heart twisted when I saw Maya, standing next to him. She didn't seem pleased to see me and I couldn't say I was happy to see her either, but even more than that, I felt guilty as hell. I swallowed, remembering that her boyfriend had his hand in my pants not even 24 hours earlier. It's not like I could forget it anyway.

"Oh, I didn't know you were here." she said, sending me an awkward smile before sitting down next to Niall on an other couch.

"Yea, I mean, I wasn't feeling so well, so."

"Oh, I heard about you and Harry, i'm sorry about that." she let out sincerely this time, or maybe I was just a bit naive. "Niall and I were supposed to spend the evening together, I hope it's okay with you."

I was about to apologize, get up and leave when Niall spoke.

"It's no problem, we can all watch a movie together."

I watched as Maya's face changed into different facial expressions as emotions invaded her but in the end, she sighed and didn't argue. I let them decide on a movie since I was not really interested in it anyway but I kept glancing at them, since the couch they were sitting on was closer to the tv. I noticed Maya glancing at me from time to time right before grabbing his hand, kissing him or cuddling him. I understood she was getting territorial and I couldn't blame her but it did hurt anyway and I was pretty sure that was the whole point of her  petty behavior.

I couldn't help but think that if she wasn't there, i'd be the one cuddling Niall and it made me nauseous. After all, Niall said I was his priority, that he'd never love anyone as much as he loved me, and I really wanted to believe him, but it was not easy. I thought about Harry and what I had lost, and it seemed extremely unfair that what broke us up was something that made Maya want to fight even more to preserve her relationship. Harry gave up on me because of the relationship I have with Niall, but Maya was fighting against me to keep my best friend, and I couldn't help but feel completely unworthy of love.

I quickly wiped an other tear that fell down my cheek and when I looked up, I noticed Niall was staring at me. Maya was still all over him, staring at the tv, but he was looking at me with sad eyes. He licked his lips and mouthed an 'I'm sorry'. I wanted to talk to him, to cuddle him, to be closer to him, but it was impossible. I just sent him a sad smile too and shrugged before closing my eyes.

I knew I said i'd tell Niall how I felt for him but I knew it was not the right time. And now, I was not even sure there would ever be a right time.

[fan-clan-fun]

So you want to Build a clan? Chapter 6 Culture Part 3: Holidays

I have a soft spot for holidays in stories, and as such I always make sure to include them in my clans. They are a staple of all human cultures, so it only makes sense to include them in our clans as well. Holidays play into a clans mindset and culture, highlight that which is most important to them. Its honestly one of the aspects that I think canon really missed out on, there was so much potential. However its one of the aspects I consider vital for fanclans, even just to think of it in connection to the culture. It also helps to have other aspects of culture already defined to draw from them from your holidays. There are lots of different ways to do holidays, and although I'm  discussing general categories, many holidays are a mixture of a few of them, so let’s look at some options!

Historical Holidays

These are holidays tied to Historical Events, where the clans remember their past. Some real life examples would include things like Armistice Day, or any country’s Independence Day.

For the clans this could celebrate anything, from their founding, to a time when they overcame adversity, to the end of a war. So long as it points to a specific point in the past, it could be considered a Historical Holiday. These can be celebrated by one clan alone (such as a founding day), or by all clans (the end of multiple clan conflict). Of course each one will do it differently, such as the one on the losing side of a conflict may remember it as a vow of vengeance, or with remorse. The winning side may remember it as a victory, and mourn their losses but with a joy of knowing that they succeeded.

Some examples from my own clans include:

Moorclan celebrates the Remembrance, deep in winter they fast for two days, as they mark the time when their ancestors fled the cats (who would form Pineclan) encroaching on their ancestral lands. At the end of the fast they have a feast at the break of dawn, signifying the hope their ancestors found when the finally reached their new home and joined together to create their clan.

Im thinking about having my Oracle Clans celebrate the Truce Day, on the anniversary of the day on which the Great War was ended by truce. It serves as a reminder to Ashclan of the tragedy they inflicted,as well as a show of strength of the all the different clans that were seriously affected.They have a gathering during the day, with competitions and a feast which includes prey from every clan. It's also a way to encourage better relations between clans, and gives some couples a chance to improve the genetic diversity of a clan by mating. 

Religious Holidays

These are holidays associated with whatever religion or beliefs your clans may follow, such as holidays to honor Starclan or their deities. These would be holidays which would focus on aspects of the religion, anywhere from the after life, to the "code" of beliefs, to personal reflection. Real life religions abound with examples, to the point that many have their own separate religious calendar which doesn't necessarily correspond with secular holidays.

Maybe you have important figures in your history, and they did something which was directly connected to your clans religion. I’ll use Saints as an example. Maybe your clan has saints with unique stories, so your clan has special days where they reenact the stories of the saints, maybe encourage their youth to go on a form of pilgrimage, or an experience similar to that saint to test their resolve. Or maybe they take a day to perform religious rites for their members, or to honor their dead, or something along those lines. 

Canon is woefully lacking in any good examples, the closest might be the gathering, or the rituals surrounding visiting the moonstone, where the travelers took a day  and took traveling herbs but didn't really eat before hand, and it was a right of passage for most apprentices to visit it and see if they were granted a vision. You would think this would be a major focus for a clan who has a strong belief in Starclan but not in Canon.

In my fanclans I have a few, although as of yet there are not as many as I would like, since I am still building their religions. So I actually dont have any specific examples I can think of at the moment. 

Cultural Holidays

These holidays are ones that spring from your clans culture and practices.  Things like fall festivals, like county fairs, like carnaval in its extreme. They showcase local traditions, local knowledge, and crafts and work, cuisine, things which are unique to that place and that time. These are the smaller, much more personal holidays, just full of tradition. Maybe they do tournaments, or competitions based on clan skills, like swimming competitions for a water based clan, or climbing competitions for a forest based clan, or races. 

Again canon is quite pitiful when it comes to further developing each clans unique culture. I cant even think of any potential things off the top of my head. The closest canon came to actually developing culture was with Windclan’s tunnelers, but even then it was only the most basic these cats are diggers, when they could have expanded on so much. 

I have a few cultural holidays, but my favorite is the one from my clan, Rootclan. They have an event called the Hunt, which happens during the fall, where squads of Rootclan cats set out to hunt Weasels. The weasels are good prey, but the real reason is they are seeking the Weasel’s trove, since they hoard smaller prey. The Hunt prepares the clan for Leafbare by beefing them up a bit. Its just a unique event for their clan which none of the other clans have. 

Seasonal Holidays

These are holidays which are based on or connected to the season. For example,  you could consider Christmas to be something of a seasonal holiday, even though it does have religious connotations, since it is so strongly connected to winter and being a winter holiday. Other holidays which seem connected to seasons are things like halloween or easter, which have very strong connections to their seasons. 

Again I’m pulling from Rootclan, but they have a holiday in the spring which consists of cleaning out camp, including all dens, and replacing everything with new fresh bedding and generally just airing everything out. Its a symbol of rebirth in the clan as everything from the past year and winter is cleansed and a new cycle begins. 

Anyway, now that we’ve looked at potential kinds of holidays, here are a few questions you can ask yourself about your own clans.

Do your clans remember their founders/founding event? Do they celebrate it? Was it a positive or negative experience?

Have there been any great wars/schisms that occurred? Was the clan victorious or was it a great loss? Do they want to remember, and if they do how?

Were there any other tragedies/major events that occurred, such as natural disasters? Do they celebrate their survival?

Are there any major hero/villain figures? Do they exemplify any positive/negative traits which the clan might want to highlight?

Does the clan have any important religious traditions, ceremonies, or sacred days? Do they set aside a day to revere their religious figures? 

Are there any unique skills the clan has? Is there a way that these skills can be competitive?

Are there any special animals/plants/places in the clans territory which might have some sort of event/tradition connected to them?

Have your clans developed any traditions connected to the changing of the seasons?

Are there any outside factors (humans, weather, climate) which affect the cats seasonally? 

[burnedbyshoto]

if you sent any asks (recommendations for things don’t count as I have to look around!) since october 17 until october 22 it is in here :)

anon said: The header for your askbox response post is *aesthetic*. I think it’s a really good idea to post one every few days if you have the time. ❤️

well, thANK YOUUUUU!!!!! I put in a whopping 10 minutes into it because I had no idea what I was doing! i’ll definitely be doing asks this way now though.

big dick kiri anon said: !!!!!! ILY HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY PLS HYDRATE 💙💙❤️❤️ -bigdickkiri

Omg love! Please don’t worry about kinktober just breathe! Take your time and try to relax 💙❤️- bigdickkiri

DAMN, that is a LOT. Please look after yourself and don't stress about it love!! - bigdickkiri

I'm very excited. BUT PLEASE LOOK AFTER YOURSELF, DO NOT FORCE ANY OF THIS OMG - bigdickkiri

AHH, AMAZING, TALENTED SWEETHEART, GORGEOUS LOVE, HAVE A INCREDIBLE DAY AND HYDRATE - bigdickkiri

I believe I did have a good day, and I am actually super bad at hydrating, buT ILL TRY TO GET BETTER!!!!

I am breathing!!!! JUSTTT BREATHEEEE!!! I am taking my time now and relaxing to the best of my ability :D thank you so much bdk I love you with all my soul

theres always a lot, but if im not doing a lot I dont do anything so on one hand.... it’s okay LMAO but I will continue to try and not stress :D

BDK I WOULD NEVER WANT TO MAKE YOU THINK IM FORCING THIS OUT OF MEEEE ILL TRY MY BEST TO MAKE YOU PROUD

GHSOGHJIAORGJRGIRAHG YOURE AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, TERRIFIC, INCREDIBLE!!!!!!! YOU HYDRATE AND MAKE SURE YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU

@bread-theduck​ said: We love you and support you ❤ dont push yourself, your mental health is so much more important that kinktober haha. Take all the time you need, we're right here and open if you wanna talk~

I don’t really try to push myself... it just happens subconsciously D: but thank you for the love and support!!!! my mental health is stronger than I give it credit though

anon said: listen! we all appreciate you and your writing dearly but! I think we can all agree that we want you to be okay mentally and physically before you make yourself write! kinktober can wait! you’re more important!! at the very least, pls take a break for tonight.

I honestly can’t even remember when i said I was tired, but thank you for your kind words regardless!!!! I am trying to get better at it because i don’t want to disappoint you guys D:

@saintbullet​ said: Please take care of yourself!!! DONT risk your health for writing. We care about you so much! Be careful 💕💕💕

I know I push myself a lot, and i’m really sorry for scaring you all!!!! I am trying though, and it just has a lot to do with my mental fatigue and that im judging some hard classes right now then it has to do with anything

anon said: hey it'll be alright! idk whats wrong but i promise everything will work out like its supposed to! you just take care of yourself and take as much time as you need to feel better!! we love u!! ♥️

It wAS MY PERIOD I REMEMBER NOW AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I LOVE YOU TOOOOOOOO WITH ALL THE LOVE MY HEART POSSES!!!!!!

anon said: periods can be a pain so pls take care of yourself!! drink lots of water and rest up!!!

my period is the worst, if she was a person i’d block her and avoid her irl!!!!!!!!

anon said: Lol ok so gay for Mina anon back and no, I was not the anon who requested it. But lmao, let me take this time to whole heartedly thank that anon for quenching my thirst anyways

oh whoops, sorry for thinking you were someone else D: iM GLAD TO SEE THAT YOU WERE HAPPY WITH IT!!! READER WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BAD GUY BUT I COULDN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE IT WORK LMAO

anon said: I am just planning on hanging out and reading all the lovely writing that comes from this

i’m pretty sure this is about my nsfw/sfw headcanons, and honestly im sooo very excited to start working on them!!!!!!!!

anon said: you have no idea how happy I got when I saw u posted for mina like UGH MY WIFE I LOVE HER SO MUCH 🥺🥺🥺 N GIVING US GAYS AMAZING CONTENT UR AMAZING MWAH MWAH KEEP BEING THE PERFECT ANGEL U ARE 🥺🥺💞💗💖💕💓💝

AHHHHH IM SO GLAD YOU LIKED IT MINA IS LIKE MY FAV CLASS 1-A GIRL SO I LOVE HER SO MUCHHHHHHHHHHH YOURE AMAZING AND I LOVE YOU AND YOURE AN ANGEL!!!!!!!

many a anons said: Sorry I didn’t see the part where you said not to request characters that were already on the list I thought that was the list of character we could vote for.

so sorry I accidentally sent a character in that has already been requested, Tumblr didn't show me the follow up posts ;;

nooo I didn’t see the list I’m so sorry 😭😭😭

LOL ITS OKAYYYY. y’all were hoes and kept sending me shouto who I couldn’t even think about deleting from my list... so... you are lucky >:(

anon said: hello! not a request here but take care of yourself anc stay hydrated bb 🥰🥰

I got my water right next to me rn bby :D

anon said: be todoroki’s girlfriend

bitch I am todorokis WIFE, why would I need to dress up???

@girl-with-a-mentality​ said: You can be todoroni for Halloween.

....you right...

anon said: Thirst post infoo ;3 I found a doujinshi of Bakugo being teased and toyed with sexually with by Ochako, Yaomomo, and our lovely momma Mina

...send it

anon said: GIRLLLLLL

ANONNNNNNNNNNNNN ;)

local dumbass anon said: local dumbass is here once again, i thiink you know who i am and might've found my ig buuuuuut..?

uh.... I don’t know???????? I only followed people on insta if you gave me your handle or followed me first.... also did you cut your bangs?

anon said: Your Monoma scenario was really good!If we’re being honest, though, Monoma would literally start foaming at the mouth if he saw anyone from 1-A making physical contact with his s/o, ESPECIALLY Bakugou. They would have to call animal control because there would be a rabid Monoma in the dorms lol

okay... while you’re not wrong, I just thought 18 year old monoma should have grown up just the tiniest bit! plus his obsession is controlled because of his insecurity so LMAO IDK I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE UGH

@awkward-theaterkid​ said: I was reading your Day 19 Fic but I couldnt take it seriously, the title "My Way" kept reminding me of the Backstreet Boys "I want it that way" and it keeps popping up while I read it 😂

as someone who only heard that song because of b99 I read this and immediately thought of b99 LMAOOOOO

🍒💥anon said: URGENT PSA: LYSSA IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND I LOVE HER -🍒💥

Hello Queen Lyssa, I finally read "And They Were Roommates" and have absolutely no idea why I put it off so long! ITS A MASTERPIECE. Each chapter is addictive and the slow burn and angst destroyed me 😭 The smut in the final chapter is flawless and sooooooooooooooooooo H O T. Shoto wasnt even my favorite character but he might have to be now (or at least in my top 3) 😰 This is my new favorite series and I cant wait to re-read it!!!! YOURE AMAZING AND ILY. You own my soul now -🍒💥

URGENT PSA I LOVE YOU CHERRY EXPLOSION AND YOURE AMAZING :D

ATWR holds a special place in my heart uwu.... HAOGHIOSRGSIOGJSIHG THANK YOU!!!!! SHOUTO IS AN AMAZING CHARACTER WHO I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEARRTTTTTT

~ thank you to @didyoumeanme​, @kittenlordofdarkness​, @soafers​ for submitting memes and animal pics for my rommate, much appreciated :D ~

anon said: Did the local dumbass anon ever cut their bangs? Do you know?

....I dont know, but I just asked her rn >:)

this paragraph is dedicated to those surrounding to the meltdown mess that occurred yesterday. to each and every one of you who sent me kind words via my askbox or directly contacting me, thank you. I really want to move past this because I feel by holding on it will make me feel less inclined to write because of my guilt. of course, I do not expect you to forgive me, or trust me in my story of how it went down, because at the end of the day it was my mistake for trusting in someone to write with pure intentions when I didn’t know if she could. im trying to continue on with my best foot forward and im grateful for those of you who trusted in me. I swear I will never push myself again, and that I will instead take my time in order to publish my original work and only my original work and not take anything that comes from a “friend”. know that I love you all, and I dont know how to take it easy so my break lasted a whooping 10 hours, and my blog won’t discontinue until im done with bnha or...I get into medschool which is still 3 years away, I am taking care of myself, im staying hydrated, im trying not to put myself down anymore, I will keep going, & will forever continue to be more careful with what I post. also, no one was really coming for me, so don’t worry if you thought so lol. (to you 9 anons who expressed their kind thoughts to me, thank you. to big dick kiri anon thank you. to @bqkubabey​, @flayvus​, & @ultimate-shit-poster​ thank you so so much you really helped me not drown myself in my own guilt.)

anon said: i hope you’re feeling okay today :((

I am feeling a lot better. unfortuantely I did make myself really sick yesterday because ive never been as stressed in my life ever, but im okay now. there’s nothing I can do more for what happened so I will try to continue on as best as I can and I appreciate you caring... ilysm :)

@ikinabi​ said: Your writing??? Actually god sent 🥵👌 and the way you write Mirio gets me GOING

BAHAHAH NOOOOO ITS NOT PLAFUAOGHJIPRAHAR MY MIRIO PIECE YOU LIKED WAS MY FIRST PIECE ON HIM AND OOO BOY I DID NOT DO HIM JUSTICE

anon said: fuck buddy iida is a thought that has never crossed my mind but now that i’ve seen your post i am intrigued haha

well... it is up :) if you wanna check her out :)

anon said: You dont have to answer if you dont wanna but i just wanna see if your okay. I hope your end your doing well and not stressing.

i’m doing much better than I was yesterday!!! I just needed to rest and calm down and stop attacking myself. thank you for checking in!!! it means so much :,)

[watchmegetobsessed]

Crush // Shawn Mendes mini-series part 2

part 2 wohoooo!! this is honestly such a cute story i love writing it, im currently finishing the last part so i’ll probably update very soon!

part 1

masterlist

The awkwardness soon vanishes. This clear new chapter we just opened with Shawn allows me to loosen up and just enjoy a nice evening. Aaliyah and Eric seems satisfied with the outcome, the parents seem to hit it off quite easily and when we leave they already start making plans for another meetup.

“It was so nice meeting you!” Karen sighs happily as she hugs goodbye to all of us.

“You too, email me that recipe you told me about!” Mom points at her and she nods her head laughing.

I’m just about to step out of the house when Aaliyah grabs my wrist and pulls me back. I look at her with furrowed eyebrows.

“I need your help with a little something. Can you come over sometime tomorrow?” she whispers confidentially.

“Um, yeah. Around what time?” I ask.

“Three pm?”

“Sure,” I smile at her and she lets go of me.

On the way back home I’m thinking about what Aaliyah could need help with and the only thing I have in mind is Eric’s birthday that is on the 29th. She must be planning something special for him.

I call Maddi around midnight when I’m already in my pj’s, but I know she must be still up, maybe even drunk. For my surprise, she answers the phone quite modestly.

“How was the family union?” she asks chewing on something. I throw the cushions off of my bed and crawl under the blanket.

“Um, very interesting,” I chuckle closing my eyes and just shaking my head at the thought of the evening.

“Uh, spill the tea!” She cheers clearly very thirsty for some drama, though this story is not as juicy as she would want it.

“Guess who Aaliyah’s brother is!” I say, but I don’t expect an answer so I just continue. “Shawn Effing Mendes.”

“What?! Are you kidding me?” She gasps. “How did Eric forget to tell you this small detail?”

“Apparently, he thought it doesn’t matter to me, which is kind of true, but there is more.”

“What more? Did he hit on you? Because I’m not talking to you again if he did. He is hot!”

“No, he didn’t, but what you don’t know is that we have history.”

“Okay, now I’m confused!? How do I not know about this?”

“Well, remember my ex, Dylan? I told you about him.”

“Yeah, the asshole who cheated on you,” she hums.

“Well, Dylan and Shawn used to be best buds when we started dating, but the guy hated my guts, or so I thought. He was always mean to me, talking against me and just… avoiding me like the plague.”

“I thought he is the nicest person on earth.”

“He might be now, but when I knew him, he treated me like shit. So it was pretty awkward to see him again after all these years.”

“And how did it go? Was he an ass again?”

“No. He was… nice. Well, we both acted awkward in the beginning, I didn’t know if he would continue his act with me, but he turned out to be nice. And then at one point he told me he is sorry for everything in the past and he was just acting like that because he wanted to amuse Dylan.”

I turn to my side and stare out the window.

“That’s good, right? I mean, he grew out that mean phase and he is all good now.”

“Yeah, it’s just still weird to be around someone I knew from my Dylan phase.”

“But it’s Eric who is dating Aaliyah, why would you be constantly around him?”

“Aaliyah asked me to go over tomorrow, I think she is trying to put a surprise together for Eric’s birthday, so I’m spending the afternoon at the Mendes house.”

“Oh, then keep me updated about the details and sneak me a shirtless photo of Shawn please.”

“Maddi!” I scoff laughing. “Why would I even see him shirtless?”

“Maybe he likes wandering around in his home without clothes on, how would I know?!”

“Unbelievable. I’m going to sleep.”

“Bye bitch,” she sighs making me roll my eyes at her smiling.

“Bye.”

  I sleep late the next day, it’s past noon when I actually make it downstairs looking like a real human being. Eric and Dad are watching a documentary on WW II. while Mom is reading the newspaper at the dining table. I join her with a bowl of cereal.

“Do you have any plans for today?” She smiles at me over her narrow glasses as she turns a page. I lean closer hitting a confidential tone.

“I’m helping Aaliyah today, she asked me to go over around three.”

“Oh, birthday surprise for Eric?” she asks clearly excited.

“I think yeah.”

“Great. And you will probably see Shawn again.” Winking at me she puts the papers down.

“Why does that matter?” I ask with my mouth full. She caresses my cheek before standing up and walking over to the sink for some water.

“Isn’t he a nice young man? I think the two of you would look cute together.”

“Mom, you are literally talking about the biggest pop sensation, he is not really the kind of guy who just casually dates,” I say.

In my mind all these celebrities are living their wildest life. Even if I were interested in Shawn in any way, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t even get in the game, he must have thousands of girls waiting for him in line. We are not really on the same page.

“Oh, come on. You guys knew each other in high school, you have a past, that connection must mean something!”

“He was an ass to me!” I blurt it out making her eyebrows raise.

“He was? What did he do?”

“It’s nothing,” I roll my eyes, but Mom gives me a demanding look. “He just didn’t seem to like me no matter what I did, he was avoiding me most of the time when I was with Dylan and also made some pretty rude comments sometimes.”

“Maybe he was into you,” Mom shrugs and I almost choke on the milk.

I start coughing like I’m about to die and my eyes start watering when I’m finally able to breathe evenly again.

“No fucking way!”

“Charlie! Language!” She hisses at me, but there is a smile hiding in her eyes. “You know, young boys tend to do it. They are mean to the girls they like.”

“Mom, it wasn’t in kindergarten, it was ninth grade or something. I think he just really didn’t like me back then and I don’t blame him.” I was annoying, thinking back at it. But hey, all teens are annoying!

“You can never know,” she sighs.

 I totally ignore the theory Mom tried to make me believe, there is absolutely no chance of the nonsense she told me, and this is what I keep telling myself as I’m on my way to the Mendes house.

“Hey!” Aaliyah greets me with a wide smile. She is now wearing some more comfortable clothes than the last two times I saw her, the grey sweats and lose white shirt must be her home wear. “Come in! My parents are out at a friend’s place, and Shawn…” she starts, but just when she is about to finish he appears on the top of the stairs.

“Is here,” he chimes in. I look up and there he is, in a pair of checked pj pants and a black shirt. Looking at it, I think Aaliyah has his shirt on, it seems like the same size.

“Hi,” I smile at him.

“Come, let’s sit.” I follow Aaliyah into the living room and we sit down to the couch next to their Christmas tree. From the corner of my eyes I see Shawn going into the kitchen and for a moment I’m actually disappointed he is not coming with us.

“So. I want to surprise Eric with cooking for him, but I have no idea what. I tried to find out what’s his favorite, but he says it’s his favorite to everything!” she growls frustrated. I shake my head laughing.

“That’s typical.”

“Yeah. So do you have anything in mind?”

“Well, he really like tiramisu. He can eat tons of it, all the time. That’s good for dessert,” I offer. Aaliyah has her phone in her hands and she is typing everything I say down.

“Okay, got it.”

“Um, he likes gazpacho. He thinks it sounds fancy and you know, he likes everything with ketchup, so a soup that tastes like tomato was made for him.”

“Oh yeah, he pours so much ketchup into his sandwiches, it’s crazy,” she rolls her eyes jokingly. “Okay, so gazpacho. Anything else?”

“Um…” I try to think about the times we went to restaurants and Eric got really excited over the food. “Oh, we were once at a place and he ordered grilled mushrooms and he couldn’t stop moaning, it was very embarrassing, but I guess this meant he really liked it.”

“Grilled mushrooms, perfect,” she nods to herself noting everything down. “Do you mind helping me pick out his gift too? I have a few ideas, I want to go into the city and buy it tomorrow, I already looked up some jumpers online, but I can’t really decide.”

“Sure, show me!”

We spend the next thirty minutes scrolling through everything she had saved as a possible gift. She found some really nice ones, her taste is fantastic. As the time is passing I’m starting to feel like I’m with a friend and not with my brother’s girlfriend and I’m just hoping Eric will keep her around for a long time.

She asks me to stay a little bit longer so she can show me the awkward photos she has taken of Erik since they’ve been dating, but she gets a call and excuses herself quickly. I stay there in the living room, looking around a bit, I haven’t really had the chance yesterday, I was too occupied with the situation.

Shawn walks in, this time he has a headband on, keeping his locks back from his face.

Damn, Maddi is right. He is hot.

I shake my head at the thoughts and try to look as casual as possible.

“How is the birthday planning going?” he asks plopping down on the couch next to me.

“Good, Aaliyah basically had everything right, I just had to choose the best options.”

“How crazy is that our younger siblings are dating? I mean, I was thinking about it yesterday, the last time I saw Eric, he was about twelve or something. No wonder why I didn’t recognize him when I met him,” he chuckles and I nod agreeing. Aaliyah changed a lot in the past years too.

“Yeah. Strange that they are not babies anymore. I mean, I’m still mad that Eric is taller than me.”

“Oh I remember how you always wanted to get taller!”

“You remember?” I ask surprised. I used to never stop talking about my height, later I accepted my fate.

“Yeah, I remember once you told Dylan how you want to wear the highest heels to the dance so you two can be the same height.”

I laugh at the memory. I remember it too, it was quite early in our relationship and Dylan asked me out for the Halloween dance. I wanted to look taller and told Dylan I would wear heels. Of course, I ditched the plan as I found out how uncomfortable they are and ended up wearing my Converse.

“And at the end I looked like a punk princess with my Converse and mini skirt,” I scoff at the thought of my outfit for that night.

“I think you looked pretty,” Shawn says and I look at him. I catch his small smile before he shakes his head clearing his throat. What the Hell? “High school feels so far away, right?” he quickly says.

“Um, well for you I guess, for me… not really,” I chuckle shaking my head. “Your life got turned upside down, but not much has happened to me since then.”

“What? I don’t believe you. I’m sure you’ve been having plenty of fun. Parties, dates and everything.”

I can’t help, a sad smile plasters across my face. He can’t be more wrong.

“Not really… I had some rough years after Dylan and I split.”

“Can I ask what happened? I mean, after the split,” he shyly asks.

“Well, since I was a dumb naïve little girl, I needed an entire year before I could even think about getting to know other guys. Now it all just seems like the biggest bullshit. I shouldn’t have cared that much. And I’m not a fan of partying, I only go out on birthdays and maybe New Year’s Eve,” I shrug. Maddi has been trying to boost me up a bit, she attempts to drag me out every month or so, but I’m really not that kind of type. I thought I was, when I was with Dylan, he was a popular guy, I kept going to these lame parties with him in the last year of our relationship, but I never really enjoyed them. Shawn was long gone by then.

“I’m sorry Dylan played you so bad.”

“It’s fine, I mean, not your fault,” I chuckle. “But what happened to you and him?”

He sighs scratching the back of his neck.

“Not sure, I guess we grew apart and I realized that he is an ass. When I became a private student we kept in touch, but I met new people and I saw how different a friendship can be, so… I cut him off, I guess.”

“Did you guys fight?”

“Not really,” he shakes his head. “Well, we had one last very awkward phone call when I was in Atlanta, if I remember right. It was forced and… just awkward, really,” he chuckles shaking his head.

“And your life has been better since Dylan is out of it, right?” I grin at him.

“Yeah, you must know about it.”

I laugh nodding. I know everything about it!

Before I could even think about what I’m saying, my mouth just opens and the words roll down.

“The only good thing I got from my relationship with Dylan is that I know you now.”

My eyes widen and I wish I could take it back.

“I- uh I mean…”

I don’t even know why I’m so nervous suddenly, I didn’t even tell much. But for some reason, I can feel myself blushing.

“I meant that he basically ruined my senior year and I needed so much time to get myself over him, but at least now we can talk like, normal people,” I quickly add somehow saving the situation.

“What do you mean he ruined your senior year?” he asks with furrowed eyebrows and I’m happy he didn’t get caught up on what I said before that.

“Well, he successfully made me push all my friends away, leaving me totally alone when we broke up.”

“Wait, what? How about that friend of yours, um… I don’t remember her name, you always sat together at lunch.”

“Rochelle. Oh Dylan played us dirty. He told me Rochelle keeps hitting on him and being my dumb naïve self I believed him and not her. We had this huge fight and I called her a bitch. No wonder why she didn’t care about me when I was alone in the last couple of months of senior year.”

“Ouch, that sounds horrible. I’m sorry he did that.”

“Why did we even like Dylan in the first place?” I ask laughing to myself. It still bothers me how blind I was, I wish I could just shake myself.

“I have no idea!” He sighs rolling his eyes. “I’m sorry your senior year got fucked up, I wish I could be there to have lunch with you.”

I turn to him and swear to God he is blushing! And it is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I feel the urge to touch him, anywhere, to take his hand in mine, but I stop myself.

“That’s… nice. Thank you,” I whisper touched.

As I’m staring at him I realize this is probably the closest I’ve ever been to him. I wonder how many girls want to be in my position, they see the popstar, the heartthrob from the stage, while all I see is the guy who used to be mean to me in high school but now we are friendlier than ever. I could never see him as a celebrity.

“Okay, so I found some- Oh am I bothering?” Aaliyah walks into the room with her phone in her hands and she is giving me a knowing look. I quickly clear my throat turning away from Shawn.

“No, you girls just… do your thing. I have to make a few calls.”

Shawn jumps up from the couch patting his sister’s shoulder before walking out of the room. Aaliyah takes his place, still grinning.

“What?” I ask her playing dumb.

“You guys… I felt the sparkle,” she says wiggling her eyebrows.

“What sparkle? Aaliyah, you see everything in pink because of my brother.”

“Oh stop, don’t tell me you don’t like him.”

“I don’t know him,” I say truthfully. “The last time I saw him I was dating a douche and he was also being a douche to me. I can’t tell if I like him, because I don’t know his new self.”

“But you seem to get along with him pretty well and I’m sure you are attracted to him.”

“I’m not talking about this with you, you are his sister!” I gasp feeling myself blushing again.

“Whatever. But I think you two would look cute together.”

I refuse to carry on with the conversation about me and Shawn and Aaliyah fortunately doesn’t force it on me. I leave the Mendes house around five, Aaliyah thanks me the help and I can’t help but feel disappointed I don’t see Shawn anywhere when I’m leaving. Aaliyah’s speech about me and Shawn is slowly getting to me.

By dinner, all my thoughts are racing around him and soon I find myself stalking his social media profiles. I knew he is very famous, but seeing the numbers on his pages makes me gasp. Millions of people are following him, waiting for him to post anything. The last photo he uploaded to his Instagram is with his family, Karen and Manny are smiling proudly into the camera while Shawn and Aaliyah are messing around next to them. Before I could realize what I’m doing I double tap the picture liking it.

“Oh shit,” I suck my breath in. I hesitate, but then I realize how dumb this is. He must be getting millions of notes every minute, he won’t see this.

Gaining some confidence from this, I decide to follow him and continue my stalking session. I’m a few months deep into his profile when I get a notification. Opening the tab my eyes widen.

shawnmendes followed charlieprkr

I guess I was wrong about the notification getting lost. A moment later I see that he has liked two of my photos.

One was taken on a family vacation. Eric and I are posing at the beach, I have a red swimsuit on and the wind is blowing my wavy blonde hair that was so much lighter back than from all the sunshine. The other one is a picture Maddie took of me last month. I’m sitting in our armchair with a mug of tea in my hands, smiling shyly at the camera. We had Christmas lights in the window and the lights made me look colorful in the photo.

I’m just about to put the phone down and go to bed when I get a dm. I’m not surprised to see Shawn’s username, but I definitely get excited.

shawnmendes I’m happy I’m not the first one to accidentally like your photo, though I was minutes away from that haha

I smile at the message rolling my eyes.

charlieprkr Ha. Ha. I was hoping I can easily hide in the millions of your followers.

shawnmendes You could have, if only I weren’t stalking your profile as well. Fate?

charlieprkr I guess.

My fingers linger across the keyboard, trying to think of something else to write and keep the conversation up, but nothing comes to my mind. I almost give up when I get another message from him.

shawnmendes I’m in a nostalgic mood, I want to have a walk in the neighborhood, around our school tomorrow. Would you like to join me?

My smile grows wider than ever reading his lines.

charlieprkr Totally.

shawnmendes Great! Sometime around 4 pm?

charlieprkr Perfect. Where?

shawnmendes I’ll meet you at your house and we’ll go from there.

charlieprkr Then see you tomorrow!

shawnmendes Yeah, good night Charlie.

[hyseok]

Alone With You : Chapter One

Sure, today didn't go as planned, but really when does it ever? Note to self: stop accepting invitations to parties thrown by Jeon Jungkook, actually, lets just stop being his friend all together.

Let me take you back a bit. October 30th 12:45 am; me being as studious as I am, decided to stay in. Studying... slowly dying. You get it. I needed to cram for an exam that was planned just after Halloween. And you know what, I was happy in my little bubble, but of course why would the universe allow me to just have peace and quiet?

bam bam

I jerked my head toward my dorm door, "Who the hell is at my door at 12 in the morning?" Groaning, I head toward the door ready to cuss out whoever decided banging my door like the fucking hulk was a good idea. Then it clicked. "I swear to god Jeon if this is you I'm going to-" Of course it is. I swing open my door and sure enough, there he is, Jeon Jungkook, standing there leaning against the frame slightly. Eyeing him up and down I notice that he's not wearing the same black shirt and puma sweats he always seems to be wearing. Instead, he's wearing a black button up fitting perfectly with his black ripped jeans & of course, black boots.

He meets my gaze and smirks. "See something you like?" He says, ending it with a greasy wink. "You wish." I say, rolling my eyes as he pushes past me. Jungkook and I met in high school, I honestly thought I'd never have to deal with his greasy ass anymore but much to my surprise he got into the same university as I did. Lucky me.

"Why are you dressed like that anyway?" I say closing the door. "I thought your style was primarily 'Homeless person going through a lot'" I say not to far behind him, heading straight for the kitchen. Without even looking he hold his middle finger up. "Fuck you." I gasp, dramatically holding my hand up to my mouth. He rolls his eyes and continues "There's a party tonight.. speaking of which" He side glances me up and down and scoffs. "Why aren't you dressed yet?" I raise my eyebrow at that and he chuckles. "Come on now, I told you about this party last week... damn for someone so smart you'd think you'd be able to remember something so simple" He says reaching into the refrigerator, pulling out the last of my strawberry milk. "I didn't forget Jeon. I just merely CHOSE to ignore you." I say with a slight shrug. He grasps at his chest, his face contouring into fake pain. "You know Sara, that hurts." He says. "Anyway, you can't just sit here wasting away in a pile of books, You're coming." Jungkook has always been the type of guy to have the upmost confidence.

I guess knowing him as long as I have, I've grown to know all of his tricks and well, to put it simple. He gets what he wants, when he wants. "You're delusional." I spit back, walking past him, making my way to the the scatter of books on my coffee table when I hear Jungkook say something I hoped he never would. "Yoongi will be there." My body, as if someone pushed pause on a universal remote stops, slowly I turn to him. His smile is as wide as ever because he knows. He knows uttering those words he’s got me in the palm of his hands.

(Note to self number two: Never speak about who I am infatuated with around Jeon Jungkook.) But like I said earily, he gets what he wants. When he wants it.

So of course I went. Not without a few more snarky comments moving back and forth between Jungkook and I. Hurriedly, I put on a simple outfit. A black crop top, ripped Jeans and my favourite sneakers. I'm going but just so I can get some fresh air. You know.. get out of the dorm. Like a broken record this is what I told myself, what I repeated on the car ride to Park Jimin's house, where the party would be held. 

Yes because of that, totally not because of him. Nope not because of Min Yoongi.

"SARA!!" Hoseok yells out the moment my foot hits the floor of the house that already seems to be busting through the seems with people. Making his way through the people to stand right in front of me. "Hoseok, Hi!" I say with a smile. Hoseok has always been so kind to me, a really good friend. I mean, he is quite goofy but I like that most about him. "Hey, Sara!" Seokjin, a friend I met through Jungkook. Says as he walks up to us with an orange disposable cup in hand. He goes to pass it to me and without a word, I take the drink from his hand and take a sip. "What the fuck?!" I say immediately after, the feeling of the liquor going down my throat is not pleasing at all. 

"Oh sorry, forgot to warn you. That's vodka." Seokjin laughs. Sometimes it's hard to believe he's the oldest.

"Hey!! There you guys are." Jimin, the host of the party, and the one i’ve known the longest out of the entire friend group. I smile at him before noticing the two other guys walking behind him. "Hey shortie" Jungkook says. Jimin gives him a glare, Seokjin and I give each other a knowing look and back up slightly. We'd rather not be involved in another one of their... 'brotherly' fights again. Which honestly almost always end up with Jungkook having a bruised face and broken nose and Jimin having to deal with some type of broken bone for several months. 

In the midst of the tension, I look past Jimin's shoulder and wave slightly at the two no one has seems to acknowledge yet. They look at me and smile, waving back, the blond one waving a little more enthusiastically, continuing to give me a very boxy grin. "Oh shit right, these two. This is Namjoon and Taehyung. I never got the chance to introduce you." Jimin says scratching the back of his neck. "Oh and this is Sara." He finishes, giving them a strange look I cant quite decipher. The two look back at me, then back to Jimin, finally meeting my gaze once more. "Nice to finally meet you." Taehyung says. "We've heard al-" His words are cut off by a quick jab in his side from Namjoon.

He stands there sheepishly, glances being exchanged back and forth and an awkward silence passes by which says a lot about the situation considering this is a packed house full of loud university students. There shouldn't be an opportunity for silences.

Finally, Seokjin breaks the awkward bubble we've constructed around each other. "Okay so, lets have some fun since everyone has met Sara now!" He says, Hoseok nods "Ill go get you a drink that won't murder you." He laughs as he turns to make his way to the drink table. When the others aren't paying attention, I look over at Jungkook, who surprisingly, hasn’t gone off yet to flirt with every female in the house. "Okay.. he's coming right?" I say quietly, fielding with my fingers.. He looks at me amused and shrugs. "He's always late to things like this" Not very helpful. "He'll be here," Is all Jungkook has the chance to say before he's swept away by a group of girls. Not too much time passes before Hoseok returns, solo cups in hand. He reaches out to hand me mine and I accept it.

After another awkward silence and about way too many bad jokes from Seokjin, everyone decides to split up. Walking through the house it's apparent that everyone is either; high on something, drunk out of their mind or trying to fuck in the middle of the living room. Fuck, this is why I wanted to stay home. I sigh and make my way to the living area. Deciding on just standing in the corner next to the stereo, I'm the outcast even at parties.

It's been about 2 and a half hours now, the one person I wanted to at least glimpse at just once is no where to be seen. "This is fucking pointless" I say, pushing myself off the wall. I put down the drink I haven't really touched since arriving and make my way to the kitchen.

The first person I see there is Jimin, standing next to a group of guys I don't know. I make my way toward him, tapping his shoulder. Slowly he turns to look at me. "If you see Jungkook tell him I left." I say immediately, not waiting for his response i turn to make my way to the front door. I just want to go home at this point.

"You're leaving so soon?" Jimin asks right behind me with a look of hurt on his face. "The party was great Jimin, really, but I'm not feeling it anymore right now." I say, pushing through the crowd of people grinding against each other. It's about fifteen seconds before he responds. By then we've already made it his front door.

"Didn’t you ride with Jungkook? Do you need me to go get him? Or I could call a cab for you" He asks, a hint of worry in his voice as I slip on my jacket. I shake my head. "No it's okay, I'll be fine to just walk." I say with a smile. "Tell Taehyung and Namjoon it was nice to meet them, try not to break any bones tonight." I finish with a final hug exchanged between him and I. I turn to make my way out of the door, it's about a 20 minute walk but I think it'll be nice to just enjoy the rest of the night. So I start my way down the vacant street. 

Its only been ten minutes of walking yet the thoughts of why I even left my dorm in the first place flood my mind like a broken faucet. Maybe this crush thing has gone too far.. I wasted my night waiting for him. I could have been home sleeping or studying. This is never worth it but I always do it. For him. Why do I like him so much? Why exactly am I trying so hard?

I sigh as I look up at the moon. The night breeze feeling nice against my skin. "Maybe it's time to just stop trying.. right?" I whisper.

I guess so.. 

I let out a some what defeated sigh, I just need to go home and take a warm bath and sleep at this point. I’m about five minutes from doing just that now. Turning the corner, I can see my building now, and It finally starts to feel like this night is coming to an end.. Well that is until.. 

BAM!

[a/n: so...this is chapter one of my yoongi x oc au, dedicated to my friend who gave me the inspiration for it, I hope you guys enjoy it, idk how may parts it’ll have but im thinking 4-5?. Anyway, Chapter 2 will be out sometime tomorrow!! Thanks for reading. Note: I posted this on my wattpad also.]

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 25

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -3.9k. -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- you can send me questions and theories and comments. tbh they all make me SO SO SO SOOOO HAPPY! and make me want to write more! you can also tell me if there are things you WANT to happen. you never know, i may add it :P

- thanks for being patient btw! i work a lot these days and will work even more in the next few weeks (until halloween) so i may not update as often as i’d like. :(

-please, message me, give me feedbacks, it would mean sooo much to me!

Chapter 25 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

I had never felt so many butterflies in my stomach before. Not only was Niall holding my hand and making me twirl around like he had romantic feelings for me, but the taste of his lips pressed on mine was still lingering on my mouth and I never wanted it to leave.

It was completely different than the kiss we had shared while playing 'spin the bottle'. I didn't know why but that kiss was full of raw emotions, like he couldn't contain them and had no idea how to express them. It was exactly like he had put all these feelings into this simple kiss. it was awkward and not at all romantic but it was a kiss nonetheless, a kiss that seemed to mean a lot to him, almost as much as it meant to me.

I didn't know how many times I had licked my lips since that kiss, if only to taste him again and I kept asking myself if i could kiss him again when his taste would have left completely from my mouth.

We sat in the already dark room and it felt nice when I realized it was almost empty except for a few teens in the front and a couple on the right side. Niall moved his beanie on his head to put it back in place and I stared at him. The thing that surprised me the most was to realize that I was even more in love with him now than I was 5 weeks ago when i decided to take a break from this friendship. It didn't seem normal and I couldn't help but think that my love for him should have decreased. When I saw him at my door, everything flooded back, almost drowning me, and I knew at that exact moment that I'd have to keep Niall Horan in my life forever.

"Don't forget," he whispered when the lights dimmed down. "No spoiler."

I held my breath when I felt him grab my hand and intertwine our fingers. I couldn't help but look down at our hands together and I had to swallow the lump of hope and happiness in my throat. I couldn't let my imagination run too wild or too far. After all, maybe it meant nothing. Was it just like this kiss we shared? Was this just a way to show me that he had missed me?

I was glad I had seen this movie before because I couldn't focus on anything else than our fingers together and when his thumb started brushing softly the back of my hand, I almost lost it.

I kept glancing at him, especially when he laughed. The way his mouth opened, the way his head moved back and the special sound of his laughter was bringing me joy I couldn't explain. I was with Harry, and he was with Maya, but neither of these relationships felt right the way this moment with Niall felt.

I looked down at our intertwined fingers for so long that I barely noticed when the lights turned on again but when I looked up, Niall was sending me a big smile and I couldn't help but smiled back at him. He didn't talk but got up, pulling on my arm again and making me chuckle.

I knew it was going to hurt when I was going to fall off my happy cloud but I didn't want to think about it. He brought me out of the room but it's only when we both reached the parking that our phones started beeping. His especially wouldn't stop ringing and I brought mine close to my face to see a few text messages from Harry. One of them was a link that I clicked immediately and my heart stopped when I saw the headlines of an online article.

'Is Niall Horan dating long-time friend?'

"Oh, fuck." I let out when Niall stopped walking suddenly.

He held my fingers tighter to make me stopped and moved in front of him, looking up from my phone. He was still staring at his screen, motionless and silent, and I decided to look at the article again, scrolling down to see horrible pictures of me. Niall looked great, as usual, and I tried to hide a smile when I saw that some of the picture were us holding hands, hugging and laughing together. For once, I couldn’t really blame whoever started that rumor : we honestly looked like we were together.

"Maya is literally lashing out at me." he pointed out without enthusiasm. "She's fucking pissed."

I sighed at the mention of her name but my eyes roamed quickly on Harry's messages.

'Is it true? I normally don't give credit to these kind of things but with the pictures I am unsure.'

'Call me okay?'

'I hope you're safe'

The right corner of my lips moved up in a sad smile and I quickly typed an answer.

'Can you come home in about half an hour?'

I looked up from my phone only to see Niall, his hand on his head, gripping his beanie a bit too tight, and the first thing that came to my mind was how bad I wanted to feel his lips on mine again. Of course, the articles bothered me a bit, and I felt guilty about Harry, but having Niall so close and still holding my fingers seemed to surpass and ease every other emotions inside me.

"I hate doing this to you, Liv, but I think I'm gonna have to go and solve the mess these paps made in my life again."

I felt like shit knowing he was about to leave me to go see Maya but I could understand why he was doing it. I would lie if I said it didn't bother me and I tried not to let myself hope that he'd choose me over her because even if I had no idea if his relationship would survive this, I knew he had to explain things witn her. I just wish I knew what he was about to tell her.

"No, it's okay, Harry and I need to talk too." I let out, shrugging, trying to hide how much it hurt me to know he was leaving. "We can just text each other after."

At my words, Niall looked up and sent me a smile. I had missed that smile more than I would have thought.

"So that's it, yea?" he asked, raising his eyebrows at me. "We're back? Things are going to be exactly the way they used to be?"

I had no idea if things really could ever be the same again and I wanted more than that. I aspired to more than that when it came to Niall. But I just shrugged again and nodded.

"We can try."

Once again, he pulled on my fingers and wrapping both his arms around me as we were both still holding our phones. I felt his cheek press on the top of my head and it made me smile, After a few seconds, he kissed my hair and moved away.

Niall put his phone back in his pocket and I just held my tight as we walked to my car and hopped in, remaining silent. I wanted to say something but I didn't know what and when I stopped at a red light, I felt his hand on my thigh and held my breath. The warmth of his palm felt incredible and I could feel my whole body start throbbing but the only throbbing I could think about was the intense on between my legs.

I blinked a few times, trying to get back to my senses and remembering I was actually driving, and glanced next to me too look at him.

"Hey, you think you'll be okay?"

I nodded a few times and his fingers slipped away from me, making me inhaled deeply. Were we always affectionate like that together or was this new? I didn't have time to ask myself any more question because when I parked in my driveway, I saw Harry waiting for me in front of my apartment building and frowned a bit, wondering if half an hour had already passed.

We got out of the car and Niall walked up to his friend, extending his hand to him. Harry just glanced at it but sighed, slapping it and grabbing it before bringing Niall into a hug. I was not sure what it meant but the look on Harry's face made my heart break in my chest. At first I thought he looked sad but the closer I was getting the more I realized that he actually seemed resigned, and that couldn't be good.

"Sorry mate, can't stay, got a few things to solve." I heard Niall say.

Quickly, he turned on his feet and grabbed my waist, pulling me closer and kissing my cheek.

"Text me." he whispered, walking past me but turning around a few seconds later to wave at us.

Harry and I both waited until his car was out of sight to look at each other again and the smile we both sent each other was pathetic. I unlocked the door and we walked up the stairs in silence. It's only when I brought him a beer as he was sitting on the couch that he dared to talk.

"Thank you."

His voice was low, lower than usual, and I swallowed hard.

"Look, Harry, nothing happened with Niall." I felt guilty because this was half a lie. "We just talked, went to the movies, and decided to be friends again. I know those pictures are weird but you know, it's just Niall and I..."

I stopped talking, wondering if he was even listening to me. He was turning and twisting his beer in his hands, his eyes glued to it and when he sighed, I felt my heart jump up in my throat.

"Do you think I don't notice how you look at him?"

I held my breath at his confession and my lips parted in shock. Did I just imagine that? The whole room seemed to move and I had to grip the arm of the couch to get my balance back, even if I was sitting.

"W-What?"

"And my fear is that every time we're together, you just wish you were with him instead."

"What are you talking about?" I asked in a whisper after a few seconds of silence.

At this point, his eyes moved up and he turned his gaze into mine, making my whole body feel on fire. I didn't want to have this conversation, I didn't want to talk about my love for Niall and I didn't want to feel like shit for hurting Harry, even if I did. Still, I couldn't get myself to regret seeing Niall again.

"No, Olivia please, don't." he let out, moving slightly closer to me. "You can't deny it, not to me. You owe me that, don't you think?"

It would be so much easier if he was screaming at me. It would be so much easier if he was pissed, yelling, and calling me names. But he was sitting very close to me and I could read how hurt he was and I wanted to lie to him. I wanted to tell him it was not true, that I only had feelings for him, and that I wanted us to tell the world we were dating. But I couldn't get myself to lie to the only man who had always been honest and kind with me. He was right, he deserved the truth. In fact, he deserved so much better than me.

I nodded, staring in his eyes, and he sighed, opening his beer quickly and taking a long sip of it. I took it off his hand and drank from it too before giving it back to him. That was how we always drank our beers. One at a time and together. And I liked it. It felt great to share something with someone... a connection that went beyond friendship. But I also knew it was not love.

"You've always loved him, right?" he asked again, leaning against the couch and looking at me.

I tried to hold his gaze but I couldn't and I closed my eyes, sighing low.

"Yes."

It was the very first time I admitted it out loud and to someone else. And it felt so right and true that I felt my heart twist in my chest at my secret being finally revealed.

"I think I always knew but I didn't want to know." Harry added, making me open my eyes again and frown before he continued. "Do you remember the first time we had sex?"

Of course I remembered, it was only a few weeks ago, but instead to mention it, I nodded, pressing my lips together. I remembered everything. From the way he felt inside me to the sound of my cellphone ringing in the middle of it because Niall was calling me.

"I told you I'd wake you up in the middle of the night to do it again. Because I wanted you. Because I felt like I had somehow failed you the first time or something. And when I woke up in the middle of the night, I started touching you. I kissed your neck and moved over you. And I even whispered your name a few times."

I frowned, wondering why I didn't remember that and if I even ever woke up at all. I couldn't believe the touch of Harry's hands and lips didn't wake me up and I remember wondering why he had not tried to have sex with me again during the night when I opened my eyes in the morning. I came to the conclusion that he was too tired and I didn't think more of it but now that he was mentioning it, I knew there was more to it.

"I stopped when I heard you talk. You were whispering his name very low."

It felt like Harry had dropped a bomb between us and I suddenly felt nauseous. Did I really do that? Did I really whisper Niall's name while I was in bed with Harry? After we had sex for the first time? The thought was horrible and I emptied my lungs quickly, still staring at me.

"I am... so fucking sorry, Harry."

"No, it's okay." he shook his head with a frown before his lips curled into a sad smile. "I had hope for us. I wanted us to work. So I stayed that night to give us an other chance. And we had it, we had that chance, Olivia."

His eyes moved up to look into mine and I tilted my head. He was gorgeous, and I knew I had feelings for him. I wanted him to be happy, I wanted to be in his arms, I wanted to spend time with him and kiss him.

"But today I realized that this chance was only possible if Niall was not between us." he explained. "And he will always be there."

He raised his shoulders up and chuckled without amusement before shaking his head. He didn't have to explain anything, I knew exactly what he meant and I also knew that he was right. There was nothing I could say or do that would change things or make all this okay. Nothing at all.

"Everyone knows you love him, I just didn't want to see it. I wanted to try anyway."

"No, not everyone." I pointed out, feeling bad for bringing this conversation on Niall and I while it should be only me apologizing to Harry for hours.

"He knows and he loves you too."

My heart skipped a beat and I raised my eyebrows at Harry, my eyes roaming on his face.

"Deep down, he knows. He's just scared." he added, "He's scared to ruin what you two have, he's scared it won't last, that it will be a mistake. He's scared of how much he could love you."

I tried to engrave these words in my memory to think about them later and I reached for Harry's hand, getting his attention again as he turned to me.

"What about you, Harry?"

"Are you honestly interested in how I feel?"

I was shocked and a bit mad that he could doubt it. I was not this horrible person who had played him. Yes, I had kept for myself the fact that I was in love with Niall, but I hadn't lied about my feelings for Harry. This was not just an act and Harry was not just a distraction. There was something between us and I wouldn't have wanted to try with him if I didn't think we were a possible match.

"Of course I am, Harry. Do you doubt it?"

He inhaled deeply and shrugged, squeezing my fingers with his.

"I really like you, Olivia. Perhaps I could have fallen in love with you."

His confession took me by surprise and I held my breath as he moved his face closer to look into my eyes. I felt like he was reading my soul and he kept silent for a whole minute before talking again.

"But I guess we'll never know."

That's when I realized that Harry was breaking up with me and the sensation of emptiness inside of me felt like it could never be filled again, like the void inside me was a black hole that would never disappear. I felt myself tear up but I couldn't move, like hypnotized by what was happening to me. I didn't want to blink but i did eventually and a tear slid down my right cheek, making Harry sigh as he watched it fall.

"Don't cry." he almost begged in a whisper, bringing his hand to cup my face as his thumb brushed against my cheek to wipe the tear. "You'll be fine. We'll both be okay."

I didn't really know if i'd be okay without Harry. I knew we had been together only for a few weeks but I felt like we had years of memories and nothing but good ones. Could a love story really end before it even started?

"Would you hate me if I said I don't want to lose you? That.. I don't want this to end?" I admitted in a whisper. "Because I don't want to."

His eyes moved gently and slowly on my face, stopping at my lips, and he bent down slowly, still holding my face, until his lips pressed against mine. The taste of caramel came back, washing away the indescribable taste of Niall's lips, and when Harry parted my lips to kiss me deeper, I realized that this kiss was our last one.

One of his hands moved down to my neck and I had to stop myself from whimpering in his mouth. It was the softest and slowest kiss I had ever got and I let him lead, my eyes closed, as his tongue moved against mine and his fingertips brushed against my skin.

I wanted to apologize to him, tell him I was sorry for making him go through that, tell him that I was sorry for not being able to throw myself into this relationship completely, but I didn't. I remembered how I felt when Niall apologized before kissing me and I didn't want Harry and I to break up on this kind of feeling, especially not after a kiss.

"You're incredible." I breathed against his mouth, my lips brushing against his. "Beautiful, kind, sweet, understanding. You're everything I ever wished for, Harry. You're perfect, I hope you know that."

I feel his lips curl into a smile against mine and I brush my mouth against his, leaving a soft kiss. I knew that when one of us would back away, it would be over, and I didn't want it to be me. If I wanted to be real, though, I also didn't want it to be him.

"My biggest wish is that someday, you'll realize that you're beautiful, in and out." he replied very low, his deep voice sending a shiver cross my back. "You're a real catch, only you can't see it."

I chuckled very low and kissed him again gently. This time, he answered my kiss but let his fingers slide down my arm as his other hand was still pressed against my cheek, his warm palm burning on my skin. I don't know how long we stayed like that, as if neither of us wanted to move, but when he finally pulled away to look at me, the sad expression on his face made me want to cry again. I knew I was looking at him the exact same way though and I swallowed hard to keep my tears in.

"I'm gonna need some time." he admitted softly. "But then, if you need a friend, I'll always be there."

This time, I couldn't stop the tears from flooding my cheeks. I stared at him until my vision was too blurry to see anything and I sniffed, nodding gently.

"I'm sorry, kitten, I didn't want to make you cry." he added, wiping my tears again. "But I think you know that this is the right thing to do."

"I know." I murmured, scared that my voice would break. "I'm gonna miss you."

Getting up was painful and walking Harry to the door even worse. He turned around and put his hands in his pockets as he looked down at me, his big green eyes scanning me as he it was the very last time and I think it was. Why did I have to go through so many loss all at the same time? Watching someone walk out of your life was probably the most hurtful thing to ever experiment even if deep down, you know it's for the better.

My heart was aching when he kissed my lips one last time and turned around. I heard him walk down the stairs but I waited until I heard the door at the bottom of the building open and close to start sobbing. I closed the door and walked slowly to the kitchen, grabbing a bottom of wine without even caring to take a glass.

I cried alone in my living room as I was downing as much wine as I could in total silence except for the sobs I couldn't stop. Niall was with his girlfriend, Harry was gone, and I was alone. I had not felt that lonely in a long time and I didn't remember how bad it felt. I waited about half an hour but finally grabbed my phone and with shaky hands, I texted my best friend.

'Harry and I are over.'

I just wanted Niall to take me in his arms and let me cry. I needed him to tell me everything would be okay, that I would get over it easily and quickly, but I couldn't ask him that, because he was with Maya and he had his own problems to solve. I didn't know if I was 'a catch' like Harry had said but that's not how I felt at all. I just needed someone to catch my heart as It was falling... Before It'd hit the ground and break into million of pieces.

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 26

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4k. -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- you can send me questions and theories and comments. tbh they all make me SO SO SO SOOOO HAPPY! and make me want to write more! you can also tell me if there are things you WANT to happen. you never know, i may add it :P

- thanks for being patient btw! i work a lot these days and will work even more in the next few weeks (until halloween) so i may not update as often as i’d like. :(

- NOTE FOR THIS CHAPTER: im so sorry.

-please, message me, give me feedbacks, it would mean sooo much to me!

Chapter 26 : His chapter

NIALL

"She's just my best friend!" I let out for the hundredth time.

Maya rolled her eyes and shook her head in despair, her arms crossed over her body. I should find her extremely attractive, I knew it, but she exasperated me and although I knew she was gorgeous, I couldn't find an ounce of beauty in her at this exact moment. Perhaps I was way too annoyed by her petty behavior.

"So she's like a sister to you?" she asked a bit meanly, raising her eyebrows at me.

"What? No!" I grimaced. "No, Olivia is not like a sister to me she's like a... a best friend!"

It was so annoying to repeat the same things over and over again and it was not only with Maya, it was with pretty much everyone who would be around us for more than five fucking minutes.

"A best friend that you hold hands with? A best friend you hug all the fucking time?"

"Okay so we're affectionate with each other? So what?"

It was a bit more than that and I knew it was wrong to pretend otherwise but I was getting pissed. Okay, maybe I had imagined having sex with my best friend many times recently but it didn't mean anything at all. I was just a bit too horny, that was all. No big deal.

"Are you fucking serious Niall?" she continued. "How do you think that makes me feel to see pictures of you too acting like you're a couple?"

"You knew before we started dating, Maya. You know that my friendship with her was special. You knew it was different and you were okay with it, what changed? Liv is my best friend and she will always be my best friend. If you can't handle it right now then maybe this is not the relationship you need."

Her face changed suddenly and her traits softened but I was still just as mad, if not more. I wanted this discussion to be over with. I wanted to leave here and go back to having fun with my best friend. I was never a fan of drama, especially not in my own life, and I was not sure it was all worth it anymore.

"Are you sure you don't have romantic feelings for her?"

Her question took me by surprise and I frowned, pushing both my hands in my pockets before sighing low. I didn't want to answer this for the simple reason that I had to answer this question was too often. This is not something that I should be asked and I have no idea why the fuck the answer isn't obvious for everyone.

"Not that question again, no." I shake my head slightly.

I don't know how long I had been arguing with Maya when the phone rang and I took a few seconds to look at it, a bit surprised by Liv's text message. I didn't know who broke up with who but either way, it was shocking. I sighed low, rubbing my hand over my face a few times as anger towards Harry started rising inside me. I did tell him not to hurt my best friend didn't I? I couldn't believe that after all he had said and done to be with her, he was now leaving her or letting her go without a fight.

"Fucking Harry." I whispered, letting out a low and short groan.

"Niall! We're arguing here!" Maya said a bit too loud, taking me out of my daydream.

"Mm?"

I looked up at her and she seemed even angrier than before. I sighed and closed my eyes. I had to stop this discussion now before it went out of hand. Plus, I had somewhere to be, somewhere I felt I actually belonged, with someone I had promised myself to make a priority. I stared at my girlfriend a few seconds as she was desperately trying to keep my focus and attention on her and I rubbed my eyes a bit too hard, blurring my vision for a few seconds.

"Look, Maya, I really have to go."

                                                   ---

The ride was short and the night was cool and stormy. The wind was blowing way more than usual and it was starting to rain but I didn't care. I waited patiently until Olivia opened the door for me and ran upstairs, skipping a few. I thought she'd be drunk by now but when she opened the door, she sent me a big smile and I was surprised to realize she could still stand and walk without difficulty.

"You look like crap." I half-joked, making her chuckle.

"Thanks, you too."

We stared at each other for a few seconds before she moved away to let me in. I noticed the bottle of wine, already half-consummated, sitting on the coffee table, along with an almost empty beer that probably belonged to Harry. I sat on the couch and grabbed the beer, taking a sip and grimacing at how warm it was. I put it back on the table and when I turned to Liv, she was sitting next to me and looking at me with an amused smile.

"Tastes like crap?" she asked, raising her eyebrows as I chuckled.

"Fuck yea."

"Like my life."

My smile fell down slowly and I suddenly felt really bad for her. I could see her eyes water and I quickly brought my hands up to cup her cheeks, moving closer to stare in her eyes better.

"Hey, hey." I whispered. She blinked a few times and pressed her lips together. "It's just a bump in the road okay? Just a small bump in the road. You're the strongest person I know, Olivia. You've been through a lot, you can get through this, you'll survive this."

She nodded slowly as my thumbs brushed gently on her cheeks.

"I believe in you, okay? And I'm here for you, I always will be."

Her eyes roamed on my face and I realized that mine were probably doing the same thing. I don't know how long we stared at each other before she just moved closer and leaned her head against my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her as close as I could, pressing my cheek on top of her head. It felt good to hold her that close and I realized that this hug didn't just make her feel better, it made me feel good, too.

We probably stayed like that for at least half an hour and we were both fine with it. I let my mind wander on the past few weeks and everything that had happened between us. We had never fought so much but also, we had connected in a way I couldn't explain and somehow i felt like both things were related. I had to face the facts, things really had changed between Liv and I, even if I had tried to convince myself otherwise, and I knew it really started right after tour, I just was not sure what it was and how to handle it. All I knew was that we both needed a moment of adaptation and that it would come with time. It was normal, right? People grow up, they change, and we were no exception.

"Are you gonna stay the night?"

Her voice was soft and it made me press her tighter against me.

"Yes."

I didn't even have to think about it, for me, it was obvious that I wouldn't be leaving.

"Thank you."

She was not crying but I knew she was close and I wanted to tell her to let it go. Instead, I just closed my eyes.

"Do you want me to kick his ass?"

She chuckled against my neck and it made me smile more.

"I'll do it if I have to." I added as she shook her head.

"Don't be stupid." she let out, moving slightly away from me and sniffing. "What Harry did... was the right thing to do. I guess I just didn't... expect it."

"It was a shock." I agreed with a nod. "Did you love him?"

Her face softened again and she tilted her head as I kept one of my hands on her shoulder. For some odd reason, I wanted her to say she didn't but I didn't know why. Perhaps I thought it wouldn't hurt as much if she was not in love with him.

"No, not yet."

My heart jumped but I simply nodded and send her a smile.

"Come on, it's late." I whispered. "Let's sleep, yea?"

She nodded and we both got up to walk to her room. I searched through her drawers for sweatpants and a t-shirt but when I was about to open her third one, she rushed to my side to stop me.

"Underwear?" I asked, raising my eyebrows with a smirk.

She didn't say anything but just rolled her eyes before getting clothes for me, pushing them against my chest and making me laugh. I unbuttoned my shirt and took it off before putting on the one she gave me which I was pretty sure actually belonged to me. I did the same with my pants and lied down in her bed, turning to look at her as she came back from the bathroom. She quickly turned the light off and I watched her shadow move and sit on the bed before getting under the covers with me. We remained silent again, both laying on our backs and watching the ceiling. I couldn't stop wondering what she was thinking about and I just turned my head her way.

"What are you gonna miss the most?" I just asked, not really sure why it mattered.

"The sex." she quickly replied with a chuckle. "It felt good to be wanted. And to get an orgasm from something else than my own fingers."

I nodded, my eyebrows raised, even if she couldn't see me. She was right, and I missed it more than I could admit.  I missed it so much that I had sex dreams about my best friend, got hard from being close to her and even had to jerk off to the thought of her once. It was ridiculous.

I turned my body her way, holding my head with my hand, and I noticed she had closed her eyes. I brought my hand to her stomach, under the covers, and she immediately tensed under my fingers. I waited a few seconds until she relaxed again and let my hand slide down slowly. I felt her suck her stomach in and licked my lips, my hand traveling past the waistband of her sweatpants and I could feel my whole body throb at my boldness. This was not planned or even thought of. I was doing it because I felt like it and because it had been obsessing me too much recently.

"Niall..."

"Shhh." i cut her in a soft voice. "I got ya."

I slipped my hand down in her pants and the whole room seemed to move. It was the very first time I was touching my best friend this way and all I could think about was that my hand was exactly were hers was when I caught her masturbating. She whimpered, taking me out of my daydream, and spread her legs a bit to give me a better access. Two of my fingers brushed on her shaved pussy and I held my breath at the feeling, until they reached her slit, sliding between her folds and grazing her clit. She gasped, her eyes still closed, and I tried to focus on what I was doing. I could feel my dick swell against her thigh again but I decided to push the thought and need away as I pushed my fingers inside her.

"Fuck, you're so wet." I whispered without thinking. "Were you that wet when you masturbated at the lodge?"

"Y-Yes."

Her voice was shaky and whimpery and it made me grind my hips against her despite myself. My fingers moved in and out of her extremely slowly and all I could think about was licking them to taste her.

"What got you so horny that time?" I asked again with a smirk, knowing she would be more willing to answer me now that I was fingering her. "You never wanted to tell me."

"You."

My movements faltered for a second before getting back to their normal and steady speed but I couldn't stop the erratic beating of my heart due to her confession.

"Me?"

"Mmhm, you." she repeated. "I saw you almost naked, moving out of the pool, and... I just..."

I was surprised to realize she was lusting me exactly like I was lusting her. I honestly had never thought she had gotten horny because of me and I liked it. I could pretend I was simply flattered but it was more than that. It felt like some sort of victory and I couldn't understand why.

"Is that what you were thinking about when I caught you?"

I moved my head closer to whisper in her ear as one of my fingers started focusing on her clit. It was so quiet in the room that I could hear how wet she was.

"Yes."

At this thought, my fingertip pressed on her clit and her lips parted. She let out a whimper and I groaned low, my cock now painfully hard. I rubbed myself gently against her, trying to get some release as she moved one of her knees up. She looked a bit fucked, squirming slightly next to me as I fingered her, but I liked it so much I didn't want to stop.

"Fuck."

After her confession, I felt like I owed her somehow and I brushed my lips on her cheek to murmur in her ear again.

"When we got back from tour and slept in my bed together, I dreamed about us having sex." I had already shared that with her but I inhaled deeply before continuing. "I woke up with a boner, my dick pressed against your ass. I had to go jerk off in the shower. And I thought of you."

One of her hands quickly reached for my wrist and she held it hard and tight, her short nails digging slightly in my skin. I kept rubbing her clit and fingering her, a bit quicker this time though, and her back arched suddenly.

"Oh my.. god!"

She started shaking on the bed as I tried to touch her through her orgasm but the fact that she moved so much and rubbed her thigh against my cock despite herself made me groan low. I felt a rush to my brain and moaned a bit louder, feeling myself cum in my pants. She came down from her high as I reached mine and I held my breath, trying to hide the fact that I got an orgasm basically only from watching her and feeling a part of her body rub against me. I closed my eyes, slipping my whole hand over her pussy and spreading her wetness all over her. Somehow, I wished the lights would have been on and I wish there had been no blankets at all, if only to be able to see her better.

"Fuck. Oh god, fuck." she expressed again as I kept moving my hand between her legs. "I just... I came so hard."

She didn't dare to turn her head to look at me and I didn't dare to look away from her, scared but also hoping her eyes would meet mine. After a while, I gave up and licked my lips, sitting up in bed and excusing myself before locking myself in the bathroom. I had to take the sweatpants off and did the same with my soaked boxers, cursing low. I didn't know what to do with them and I ended up just washing them quickly in the sink and leaving them to dry on the side of the bath, hoping she wouldn't ask any question. I put the sweatpants back, going commando the same way she always did, and walked back in the room. She hadn't moved at all and I walked back to my side of the bed, wondering if she was already asleep.

"Liv?"

"Mm?"

I slipped back under the covers with her and waited a few seconds to talk again.

"Are you okay?"

This time, she turned my way and moved closer, cuddling my side and making my heart jump in my chest, threatening to come out of my throat. I was so happy that it didn't change anything between us and didn't make things too awkward.

"Better now." she admitted low, wrapping her arm around my chest.

I pulled her closer to me and kissed the top of her head as her breathing became steadier and heavier. She fell asleep in my arms and I listened to her breathe for a few minutes before allowing myself to reach slumber too.

What woke me up is the unceasing and insatiable sound of my cellphone. I groaned and turned around in bed, feeling Liv move and whimper low. I grabbed my phone and mumbled somewhat of a 'hello' without really thinking.

"Niall? Where are you?"

I frowned, my eyes still closed, letting out a groan as I recognized Maya's voice. I was not in the mood to fight and I had to fight the urge to just hang up and go back to sleep. Olivia moved in her sleep again, this time closer to me, and I ran my fingers up her arm before sighing again.

"I'm at Liv's." I answered, clearing my throat. "What time is it?"

I didn't want to open my eyes and go back to reality but Maya was pulling me in that direction and I was not liking it at all. The night before came rushing to my brain and I felt my whole body on fire at the thought. Did I really do that?

"You slept there? At her place? In her bed?"

That was it. I was completely back to reality and I sighed louder, bringing one of my hand to my face to rub my eyes. I wasn't really into fighting in first place but doing it first thing in the morning was even worse.

"Yes, Maya. I slept here, in Liv's bed." I repeated. "The way I always do, and you know that."

t was a lie. Obviously, something had been different this time, but I thought mentioning it was not a good idea. I should feel guilty, perhaps, but I didn't. My best friend in the whole universe felt like shit and I made her feel better. Sure, the way I used to do it was questionable but I had promised myself she'd be my priority and i was going to stick to it. I grimaced, wondering who the hell I was trying to fool, and turned around in bed to press my face in my pillow. It smelled like her shampoo and I knew that i'd never smell vanilla and honey without thinking about her anymore.

The truth was, I had enjoyed myself too and I didn't regret it, not even for a second. I've wanted to touch her since we came back from tour and although I still wanted more, what had happened between us the night before had surpassed my expectations.

Maya kept arguing a bit on the phone but I kept quiet and when she was done, I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling.

"Are we still up for tonight?" I just asked, feeling Liv sit up next to me.

When I hung up with Maya, I turned to Olivia with a big smile. I was a bit tired and annoyed to have Maya on my back all the time but I tried to take it lightly.

"Morning sunshine, how'd you sleep?"

My smile fell when I noticed she was frowning, her tiny pink lips parted. Why was I noticing her features like it was the very first time? She looked confused and I sat up too, my face not extremely close to hers.

"Are you still dating Maya?"

I was taken aback by her question and I frowned, shrugging a shoulder slowly.

"Yea, why?"

Suddenly, she got up,  bringing her hands to her face and shaking her head, and I pushed the covers off of me as she turned around and scoffed, making me nervous. When she turned around, I realized she was crying as I saw some tears quickly running down her cheeks. Quickly and without thinking, I jumped out of bed and walked to her, grabbing gently both her elbows right after she pressed her palms back on her face.

"Hey, petal, what's wrong?"

She got out of my embrace a bit roughly and turned around her back facing me.

"You.."

I could hear anger in her voice, even if she barely talked, and my heart sunk in my chest.

"You.. you touched me, Niall!"

"I know." I pointed out in a low and calm tone. "I remember Olivia, I was there."

"You touched me and you still have a girlfriend!" she argued again, a little louder this time. "That's called cheating Niall! And you cheated with me! And now I feel like shit! What are you going to tell Maya, mm?"

"No, wait." i let out, moving my hand up slightly to stop her. "You felt like shit, I just wanted to make you feel better. I mean, yea I've thought about you in a sexual way for a few weeks now but, you were sad, and-"

"It's not the first time i'm sad Niall! But it's the first time you choose to finger me to make me feel better!"

I got a bit shocked by how blunt she was but there was no reason for me to be surprised. It was very much like her to be so bold and it was a part of her that I adored.

"What did you think? 'Oh i'm gonna give her an orgasm to make her happy again'? It doesn't bother you that your fucking girlfriend was waiting for you while your hand was in my pants?"

"It was... it meant nothing, I just.."

I sighed loudly and shook my head, my eyes closed. She was partially right. Perhaps I should have made things clear with her first and I definitely cheated on Maya but I couldn't get myself to regret it.

"I decided you'd be my priority now, Olivia." I confessed a bit rudely. "I'm not going to lose you, not again. I don't want to. You and I... it's forever. You know it, right? You feel it? I can't be the only one to feel it."

Her eyes watered again and this time, she closed her eyes. The tears that slid down her cheeks made my heart break and I took a step closer. I wanted to tell her how much she meant to me. I wanted to tell her how much I needed her in my life and how horrible those weeks without her were but I didn't have time. God knows if I would have even told her. Was I courageous enough to be honest with her and with myself?

"Well wrong move, Niall." she pointed out in a low and shaky voice. She seemed calm suddenly and I knew it meant nothing good. "I need to be alone."

Still wearing her sweatpants and a t-shirt, she grabbed a sweater and her phone before leaving the room. I remained standing up, motionless, until I heard the door from her apartment close. After a while, I sighed, knowing how bad I had fucked up, and sat on her bed, rubbing my eyes a bit too hard. I should feel bad for Maya, and scared to lose her. I should regret touching my best friend, I should hate myself for acting selfishly and stupidly... but all I could focus on was the fear that I had pushed my best friend away. Again. And that this time, she was gone forever.