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I Wrote An Eight-Page Story About Legless Karamatsu, You're Welcome World

A loud scream tore through the Matsuno household.

“My eeeyeeeeesss!!!”

There was a sound not particularly unlike a sextuplet evaporating into thin air; then, silence.

Todomatsu looked up from his smartphone, then looked down.

Jyuushimatsu continued batting practice in the corner, completely unperturbed.

Osomatsu continued to flick through channels on the TV.

Choromatsu peered over from the top of some short-lived idol’s photobook…

“HEY! Don’t you think there’s something wrong with that?!”

The photobook fell from his hand, falling in the trash can (where it belonged).

“Hey, when you wave your arms like that it kills the reception, y’know?” Osomatsu looked up long enough to push Choromatsu’s shifting self-awareness out of the way; with that, the TV sprang back to life and picked up some daytime talk show.

“That’s not the problem here!”

“You’re right, it’s not,” Todomatsu piped up.

“See? So don’t you think—“

“The problem is that daytime TV is garbage, and you can find better content on any streaming site these days.” He smiled sweetly. “But you would know that if you cared to keep up with modern trends. That’s why one day, I’m going to—”

“Yeah, I think I’d rather listen to that than that.” Osomatsu turned away from his youngest brother as his rant grew more fervent. “So, what’s wrong with something that sounded like Ichimatsu screaming and then disappearing into a pile of ash?”

“What’s wrong with it? What isn’t?! Where did that scream come from—why—and—“ Choromatsu stopped for breath. “It wasn’t a pile of ash. That was very clearly the sound of ‘a sextuplet evaporating into thin air.’ Meaning, there’s nothing. Left.”

“Give ‘im a few hours; he’ll shake it off.”

“Brotheeeeers~” A voice called in heavily accented English. “Where are yooooouuuu?”

A scare chord sounded from somewhere.

“Totty, change that stupid ringtone!”

“Karamatsu, is that you?” Jyuushimatsu rested the tip of the bat on the floor. “Oh, are you going to pachinko again? Except, don’t worry, I won’t—“

“Just a minute!” Choromatsu said. “Jyuushimatsu, shut up!!”

“Y tho?”

“Think about it! We…this could be a murder!”

“A murder?” Bright lights emitted from Osomatsu, and the brothers turned their eyes away as his clothes fell off (seriously, no one wanted to see that—no, wait, fangirls, please stop—I mean, come on, he’s a muppet—all right, fine, so some of you probably wanted to see it, but I’m going to kinkshame you all the way through this part) well actually one brother who shall remain unnamed for his protection looked upon Osomatsu’s naked glory, but seriously there was nothing to see the show censors everything because broadcast standards anyway you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

He reappeared in his Calming Detective outfit.

“Well, if that’s the case, why didn’t you say—“

“Jyuushimatsu-niisan…” Todomatsu placed a hand on his older brother’s shoulder soberly. “Do you think you can hit a home run with Osomatsu-niisan’s head?”

“Yup!”

Seconds later, Osomatsu lay unconscious on the floor, a conspicuous amount of blood streaming from his head.

“Nice; try to hit it clean off next time.” Todomatsu cheered.

“Brooootheeeers~ I know you’re in theeeree~” Karamatsu’s voice called, closer than before.

“I have a wonderful surprise for all of you, brothers.”

“Anyway!” Choromatsu cut in above all the horror movie nonsense, trying to steer this ship unsuccessfully back into mystery territory. “Think about it! Mom and Dad are out getting groceries.”

“They are?”

“YES! Because plot contrivances like that always pop up when you most expect it! Which means—” He pointed; it felt only necessary at this juncture. “Which means—Karamatsu has to the killer!”

The room fell silent.

Unfortunately, it was not due to shock and awe from Choromatsu’s excellent deduction.

“Umm, niisan,” Todomatsu interjected. “Even Osomatsu-niisan could have figured it out from the ‘Broothers, where are you’ stuff.”

“I—I mean, that’s true, but—“

They all jumped as a knock sounded on the door.

“Brooooothers…why won’t you open the door?”

“He found us!” Choromatsu screamed. “We’re all doomed!”

“Um, right. He knew where we were for a while now.” Todomatsu sighed. “Well, there’s only one thing to do…”

He picked up Osomatsu’s hand and began to drag him across the floor.

“Totty—what are you—“

“Sacrificing Osomatsu-niisan for the greater good. He’s the oldest one, after all; he’s doing a heroic deed for all us younger siblings. How nice of him!”

At the sound of the word ‘nice,’ Osomatsu’s eyes shot open. He gripped Todomatsu’s hand with his own, and, in an instant—

Climbed to his knees, flipped Todomatsu over, and slammed him into the door.

“We have a status quo to keep! Remember: no more than one nice person between the six of us!” Osomatsu rubbed sweat off his forehead. “The last thing we need is Godmatsu showing up alongside this Cursed-Matsu.”

“Cursed?”

“Oh, come on—it’s not like you don’t see the plot twist coming, right?” He nodded. “Mm-hmm. I feel like wearing this detective’s cape makes me more genre-savvy. So, for example, I can say things like *&#*(&% and (&#%& and—h-huh?!”

A dark aura appeared from behind Osomatsu. At the center of the maelstrom, a Jyuushimatsu with a deeply terrifying look arose.

“No. Spoilers.”

He beeped the burglar alarm in his hand once more for good measure.

“Why do you have that at your age?!”

“In case there’s a burglar, of course!”

“Brothers. I’m going to open the door in one…two…”

Surprisingly, his count went past three, giving the brothers an indeterminate amount of time to talk.

Naturally, they brought up a completely petty and irrelevant subject.

“Hey, Jyuushimatsu. What was that about pachinko?”

“Huh?”

“Yeah, you know.” Osomatsu chimed in alongside Choromatsu. “Something about ‘I won’t?’ ‘I won’t’—what, Jyuushimatsu?”

“I, uh—“

“Don’t tell me—“ Todomatsu’s face Did The Thing. “You and Cursed-Matsu have been going to Pachinko—without us—“

He took a deep breath, bulging eyes hitting their critical point.

“That’s—not—a—very—nice—thing—to—do.”

All three voices spoke at once; the hive mind had begun.

“W-wait, I—I mean—I—“

Osomatsu grabbed an arm; Choromatsu grabbed his side. Todomatsu wholeheartedly took both legs.

“Wait—“

Osomatsu twisted the doorknob.

“There’s—you guys—“

The door opened, and the brothers unceremoniously dumped Jyuushimatsu outside.

He screamed loudly.

“It’s Karamatsu—he—has no—boooooEEEEEHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” With a fairly out-of-place final gag and a bright flash of light, Jyuushimatsu faded into nothing.

Todomatsu slammed the door, slumping against the wall.

“…So, did we appease the elder gods?”

“208…209…210! Brothers, I’m coming in!!”

The door flew open as if kicked.

“So…what do you think~?”

At the door stood Karamatsu.

More precisely, stood half of Karamatsu.

Where his legs were—there was nothing.

Or rather—

Shouldn’t have been anything.

And yet—

Somehow—

That empty space, far more horrifying than all the tank tops with his own face, all the sparkly blue pants and shades and skulls and horrific English vocabulary—

It sparkled.

“UuuuuaaaaaaAAAAAHHHHHHHHH—“

In an instant, all of Karamatsu’s brothers vanished.

“But waaaaaiiiiit!!!!” Choromatsu screamed in the way that instantly dying characters sometimes have time to spout one final line. “If we would have just barricaded the door, Mom and Dad would have come hoooooo—“

He, too, disappeared—unfortunately for everyone, he left behind the unwanted legacy of his self-awareness.

“Hmm. You’re all just blown away by my beauty, aren’t you? Heh!” He laughed. “I must journey across the world to find someone who can withstand the beauty of my non-legs—if such a person exists—and learn the secret to their beauty! Then I will be the most beautiful man in all the world!”

So he did. First, Totoko—

“I’m taking a shower you creep, how did you even get in h—aaaAAAAHHHH!!!”

Then, Iyami—

“Sheeee—“ His signature gag was cut off because no one cares and tbh even imagining his voice annoys me (yes, this author).

Then, Dayon—

“Dayoooo—“

Then, Hatabou—

“You look very nice today, Karamatsu. Did you get a haircu—“ This one was slightly sad, and Karamatsu felt a twinge of guilt; however, it quickly passed because seriously that kid is messed up.

Even the Esper Cat.

“Your need to be the most beautiful is reflective of your achievement-driven personality, which in itself stems from your low sense of self-esteem and subsequent vastly overestimated self-efficacy—“ Luckily, he was cut off before he could spout more cryptic nonsense from a Psych 101 textbook.

Finally, he reached the last place on earth he had not yet visited.

Chibita’s oden cart.

Why he had decided to make his way around the world first before coming here, he didn’t know. Perhaps he felt somewhat attached to the place he and his brothers had spent their Saturday nights for so many years. More likely, he didn’t want to be lectured (or kidnapped) over his tab again. Between the two, he decided, a lecture was worse—yes, it was definitely the lecture he was avoiding.

Still—he had to have courage.

For his fallen brothers.

Even though he killed them.

For his fallen brothers, he approached the stand.

One last person.

To see his beauty—

“What’re you doin’, idjit?” Chibita looked up from the stand. “What’s with your legs? That’s gross.”

“G-gross?”

Chibita did not scream.

Chibita did not disappear.

Chibita called his legless legs gross.

He fell to his kneeless knees.

“Chibita!” He yelled.

“What, are you proposing? I’ve got a stand to run, idjit.”

“No!” He screamed passionately. “Teach me—teach me the secret! To your beauty!!”

“Oh, that? It’s pretty simple, actually.” He took off his shirt, muscles far too large for it popping out.

Karamatsu gazed over his massive pecs, down to his chiseled abs, and over to his bulging biceps, all shining the shiny way sweaty skin does (idk man).

“Chibita—you’re—“

“Yes.” Chibita’s suddenly deep voice thundered proudly. “I am…bara.”

Tears flowed from Karamatsu’s eyes.

“B-but—I’m a NEET. I can never become bara. I can’t even lift a five-pound weight!”

“That’s actually really sad, idjit.”

“What?!”

“I mean—“ Bara-Form Chibita cleared his throat, looking desperately for something encouraging to say. “You can lift more than you think you can. If you won big at pachinko, how would you get it all home?”

“I—I would carry it! As far and as long as it took! Even if I had to stop at every bench until I got home!!”

“Or you could cash in the chips and just call a ta—nevermind.” He coughed. “Exactly! Now—just imagine these weights as your pachinko winnings!”

He pulled several massive dumbbells from under the cart.

“I—“ Karamatsu lifted the edge of one. “I—won—“

His arms trembled.

“A million dollars—“

The weight trembled.

“AND THE LOVING ADORATION OF MY KARAMATSU GIRLS!!!”

With that determined yell, he lifted the bar over his head. Immediately, his muscles twitched, then blossomed forth into beautiful bara flowers (see what I did there heehee).

And suddenly, Legless Karamatsu was bara!

“Yes, idjit, that’s it!” Bara-Form Chibita’s seductively slitted eyes sparkled. “Now—let’s go show the entire world the beauty of bara!”

“Um, about that,” Bara-Form Karamatsu mumbled—but in a deeply manly way.

“What?”

“I think I kinda killed them all.”

“Now why would you—“

“THEY COULDN’T HANDLE MY BEAUTY, OKAY??”

“YOU IDJIT!” Chibita screamed—but again, still manly. “Why do you think I wear a shirt all the time? Don’t you think I’d want the world to see my Beautiful Bara Form? With great power comes great responsibility—you need a limiter!”

“Like—“

Karamatsu pulled his shades from his nonexistent back pocket and put them on.

Immediately, his muscles shrank back in the light of his cringe.

“Yes! And keep ‘em on, idjit! Thanks to you, all my business is gone!”

“…I mean, not like you’d need it, since everyone is de—“

“SPEAK UP, IDJIT! CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THESE MUSCL—“

“I SAID!!” Karamatsu screamed with the rage of someone who has gone through seven pages of abject nonsense. “LET’S! REVIVE! THE! WORLD! WITH! BARAAAAAA!!!”

He took of his sunglasses. Light enveloped his body, and—do I really have to write him naked—fine—something something he was naked and there was skin but like he doesn’t have anything below the waist anyway so uh BAM muscles.

“THINK ABOUT IT THIS WAY!” He said, super manly-ly. “IF EVERYONE IS BARA, THEN NO ONE WILL DIE IN THE FACE OF BARA! WE CAN ALL WALK AROUND WITHOUT LIMITERS, AND BE BARA IN A BEAUTIFUL *~BARA PARADISE~* BARA!”

Chibita breathed through his teeth.

“THAT’S GENIUS!”

So, much screaming and weight-lifting later (have you ever tried to make a corpse lift a weight? It’s nuts, man), the world was bara.

And Karamatsu and Chibita sailed off into the sparkling bara sunset to explore uncharted lands and teach them, too, of bara.

But it didn’t matter in the end because Choromatsu’s self-awareness would devour the world the next week. That’s called a Chekov’s Gun, readers.

And now I’m going to leave you with the mental image of a massively muscular Totoko because everyone needed that.

[Mod note: God bless you this was an emotional roller coaster]