#im a little tired of pizza and i can do assignments a lot better w snacks instead of pizza 😅

[ambersky0319]

Okay I genuinely need to get shit done tomorrow and Friday

Like. I have so much I've been putting off (burnout but we gonna ignore that)

I'm gonna block my hours lol (is it weird i like planning out what im gonna do instead of actually following it?)

And MAYBE take the bus home tomorrow. Maybe. it IS gonna be super fuckin hot tho (considering bus cause uber be damn expensive and i also have a book i need to read for fiction class)

[peppersbian]

March 23 2021

I missed my daily thing on habitica for this so it like says I lost my streak which is bullshit and kinda annoys me but whatever. It's not technically all about points but it makes me feel better and I dislike that they did that to me. Scoff.

I had a pretty busy day today. I feel really good about myself.

I got through my English class and did the work I was assigned for the asynchronous time done during that time. I feel really good about that because I usually swerve and mess it up.

I made myself eggs and sausage for breakfast just before needing to sit down for math.

I was kinda unfocused during math, because I was working on the Open house presentation. So at least it wasn't time too badly wasted. I did my math homework due at 4 complete and on time! I feel so great about that. I feel good that I learned how to use the TI84, but also kinda embarrassed that it took me this long to sit down and fucking do that. But whatever.

Mom brought a pizza for late lunch/early dinner.

I went w mom to pick up some of the buy nothing stuff she got. I got some styrofoam balls which I will be sure to have fun with.

I got the PowerPoint done just in time for them meeting. I was a few minutes late for it but they hadn't really started anywys like they usually do. It went really well, I need to do some last polishes and I'll be great to go for the open house.

I don't think I'm going to go to the open house. It's sounds boring and I'm tired and also need to cram my English thing tomorrow. I feel bad though because I feel like I'm neglecting all my other classes by honing on one. I get too tired to do more than one thing a day.

Honestly all I could think about at the meeting was how I feel like I've never had any real connection or friendship with literally anyone in the troop. That I'm just a tack on to everything else. I thought about Nicole and the summer trip and how she made it so tiring and impossible to get around and be with other people and even making us late because she wanted to go to every fucking phone case stand. I feel bad for feeling that way because she's disabled or whatever but I can't help but feel like I got out with her because no one else wanted me and certainly no one else tolerates her. I though about catalina and how when I asked her at boating if she wanted to be partners, said "potentially", walked alway from em and talked to like three other people. One group was a group of three and I was all alone. It was humiliating. The lifeguard pittied me. I hate that. I love legend but it so tiring. It's just like a reminder I'm never wanted, cared about, or fit in. As much as the idea of sisterhood and community is preached it's never truly practiced. I wish it was though,

Gibson is so sweet. She seems so passionate and excited. I hope she gets the best from us. I feel bad that her freshmen year is being spent like this. She said she felt bad for me but honestly my times already been wasted so there's no real use in feeling bad about whats actively being taken. Loss is loss. I hope she never has to feel like me.

I'm tearing up again. These journals are hard. Today was a good day and I feel kinda silly for hanging up on these one or two bad things but that also stupid, it's good to feel. Human range of emotion and experiences or whatever. Sigh. Wish it was more convient.

I like Bojack horseman video essays. I can watch that shit forever. I watched a good one bout mr peanut butter and his defining trait being addicted to unconditional unwavering affection. I don't think I'm like that to the degree he is. I have at least some concept of boundaries and that people find joy and intert from different things. But I kinda felt that. Need to be needed. Except not really because that's not the same thing. Need to be swaddled and hugged and attended to, emotionally.

I had a vision of my future. Always being in a relationship even if it's not super great just because I want someone to love me or at least claim too in some capacity.

I know my friends love me and I them, But that's not the way that I mean or want. Sigh. I do love them though.

I ate the leftover from pizza lunch for dinner. Cold pizza rocks.

Today was a good day. I really need to make more art and work on studio. Im anxious about grades and shit it's really a bad underlying stress I can't get over. I haven't checked my grades at all and it feels a little suffocating lol. It is what it is though. After this weeek it's spring break which I desperately need.

I hope to work on miku, I'm gonna place my jo Ann's order so hopefully I can get my lace and my leather paint. Super excited. I keep bouncing around from projects, I have a lot of motivation but no time. It's frustrating. Just a Girlboss living in a Gatekeep world I guess.

I've been feeling kind a guilt about Mel. I haven't checked my message requests in so long. It's kinda og just become a part of the system, and since it's not a notification to be cleared it's been easy to not make it bug me. She's 23. I knew that but it only really kinda occurred to me. That's like 6 years. I wish she knew some fucking boundaries. Maybe if someone removed you as a follower twice, blocks you, and doesn't respond to your messages you should let it be. I feel bad for doing this and not just saying it outright but I'm scared of hurting her feelings with words. Like actions are much better. But I hate interacting with her. She has done nothing wrong or innapropriate I'm just annoyed by her. She's annoying. It makes me uncomfortable. I don't like engaging with her. It feels good to say that straight and honestly and not w a fucking feeling cushion or smthn. I keep dancing around my words like this isn't my private journal jfc. Anywyss I wish she'd go away. I feel bad about having to like take action to block her or whatever. I'm not gonna tonight. But I should. Guilty consciousness though won't go. I know I should vocalize smth but I just really don't want to. And I think I'm allowed to do that.

I feel bad for saying she's annoying and I hate interacting w her Anf her incomprehensible speech because she's disabled. Why do so many disabled people try and be my friend? It's nothing against them. It's just a trend I've noticed where I'm sweet and then can't set boundaries because I feel guilty about not letting them do what the want. Sigh. I don't think there's really a way to win at that. I don't think it's ableist to say that some neurodivergent behaviors are annoying and boundary breaking and I don't want to engage w that specifc behavior. I don't.

I wonder how many words this was.