#also we gonna bring some snacks tomorrow instead of get food from the food court cause uh

[ambersky0319]

Okay I genuinely need to get shit done tomorrow and Friday

Like. I have so much I've been putting off (burnout but we gonna ignore that)

I'm gonna block my hours lol (is it weird i like planning out what im gonna do instead of actually following it?)

And MAYBE take the bus home tomorrow. Maybe. it IS gonna be super fuckin hot tho (considering bus cause uber be damn expensive and i also have a book i need to read for fiction class)

[benhardypout-archive]

004. thank you, alex

a/n: so this is one of my Wonty "comfort fics" - so it's far from canon or never followed the original plot - which i would probably never publish (unless there's one i would like to share), but this time in this fic which i titled "Dirty Little Secret", I'm just going to post some chapters which I enjoyed writing. So the number is the chapter of this fic, and this is the chapter 4, hence, 004. Enjoy reading! 🙈

Perhaps, my crush on Monty was getting out of hand.

I flipped through the Liberty yearbook which Tyler lent me only to feast my eyes over the photos of the guy in Jersey no. 32 through the weekend, as I sat on the floor with my back against the bed.

Montgomery de la Cruz, I chanted in my head, reading his name printed in bold letters.

I stopped by a certain picture of his, running my fingers over the glossy paper, tracing his face. Tyler was lucky to have taken this rare shot of him smiling beautifully like this; those white teeth showing. He was leaning back and wearing a blue tank top. For once, he looked really happy…

I should probably ask Tyler the story behind this shot.

My phone rang a message.

I,  mindlessly, searched for it, not keeping my eyes away from the image. I could feel my heart expanding by this simple picture of him.

Bringing my phone to my face, there’s a  message from Alex: U free this afternoon?

Basically, I'm free for the whole day.

I typed a quick reply: Yes.

And not long after, Alex texted back asking us to meet up at this mall, only a five minute drive.

I wonder if this hang out thing meant anything or just platonic. Anyway, Alex seemed nice. I would love to get to know him more and perhaps get acquainted.

Looking back to the yearbook, I'm so tempted to cut the picture. Or maybe I could just ask Tyler just give me this specific yearbook, like a gift.

* * *

Alex took me bowling. And I'm not so good with the game but so far I'm having fun.

"You're so good at this," I said as Alex hit another strike.

He smiled. "Nah."

"Now, don't be modest on me," I chuckled lightly and took a bowling ball from the rack and positioned it on my hand, adjusting to its weight. Walking by the lane, I put on a stance and ran my tongue over my lower lip, aiming for a strike. Not that I'm expecting to hit one, which of course didn't happen. I looked at Alex, throwing my hands in defeat. "No, not good at this."

Alex went to hit next and of course, another strike. He raises both his arms dramatically and spun around facing me, smiling victoriously, cocking a brow.

"I give up!" I chuckled and sat down by the bench.

"You're named Winston for a reason," Alex commented, sitting beside me.

"What does that mean?"

"Winston, like Winner. Root word, win."

I laughed, throwing my head back a little. "Damn. I think I'm not doing my name justice, then."

"Practice makes perfect."

"Let's just eat. I'm starving."

"Sure."

We walked aimlessly along the mall in silence, with a few side comments about the boutiques or the shops we passed on. Then we saw and spotted some familiar faces. Well, Alex introduced me to some of them, simply pointing from afar and telling their names, since I barely knew anyone from Liberty yet, who also worked here.

Then my stomach decided to embarrass me and did a growl as we reached the food court.

“Someone’s whining,” Alex retorted.

“I know right.”

Since it’s the afternoon, there’s a lot of tables to choose from, not to mention, stalls without queues. A lot of options for us. But we just settled on some corn dogs.

"We should see some movie some time," Alex suggested. "How about tomorrow?"

"Oh, okay." I thought back if I had plans. Is looking at pictures of Monty in the yearbook counted as one?

He smiled and told me the time and rendezvous. And then added, "I-it's a date,"

I blinked. "A d-date?"

"I meant friendly date," he quickly clarified, faking a smile. I could see dejection in his eyes.

I wanted to apologize but perhaps I’m just overthinking the situation and putting meaning on how Alex was acting the past days. I may try to brush it off and act like I’m not noticing anything, but it’s there. Yet, he said so himself ‘friendly date’, maybe he really just meant us to be friendly.

"So you like someone else?" Alex asked after a moment which of course caught me off guard. I should’ve expected that question to come. I almost coughed my Coke out. Good thing, I had swallowed it down. My heart began to skip.

Should I tell him?

I avoided his gaze, and took another sip on my drink. "Uhm… yes," I said in a low voice.

"Oh…. right. Of course."

"Alex-"

"I-I'm just asking," Alex cut me off. Though, I’m afraid I’m already ruining this budding friendship and it’s the last thing I wanted. But, if he ever decides and calls off our little friendly movie date, I'd understand.

"I… Maybe I just need some company," he went on, resting his arms on the table as if for comfort. "And I… I actually like Zach," he glanced at me.

Zach. Oh. I know him.

"I kissed him," he murmured so low I almost didn’t catch it. Then he snorted, lightly. "But… of course he said he's straight."

"I'm sorry," I said in empathy. I wanted to reach for his hands but then decided against it. Then a scenario flashed in my head where I kissed Monty and then he said the same thing-- Ouch!

"It's all right. Thanks for going out with me, and listening." Alex interrupted, saving me from my disastrous thoughts.

I nodded. But then... he asked the question I’m shit scared to answer.

"May I ask who you like?"

Fuck...

I shifted on my seat. "Oh… uhm…It's..." I looked at him, warily. He was indifferent… yet. Wait till you hear this.

With a deep shaky breath I say, "Monty."

* * *

No words had been spoken since, besides the sensational "What the… fuck?" reaction from Alex who wavered before saying the word. And an awkward "Yep" from me, popping the 'p'.

We just went to our own cars and left after.

I'm sure Alex hated me now, or worse, despised me.

I knew it.

Maybe liking Monty would make you lose some friends-- lose some potential friends, rather. We're not even friends.

Was that what Monty meant when he said I got no friends here, as his own experience? Because people didn't like him?

I received a text from Alex later that night, apologizing from how he reacted. Which relieved me a hundred fold. And then he added…

Alex: But… Monty? I just can't believe it! And I think he's as straight as a ruler.

Winston: It's all right. Still a plastic ruler can be bent.

Alex: Correction. Wooden ruler. It just breaks in half, and he'll just break you.

Okay, I couldn't argue with that.

Winston: I guess. But could you keep a promise not to tell anyone?

Alex: Ok

Winston: Thanks.

Alex: So tomorrow. Same time. Same place. And move on from Monty. There's far better guys than that asshole.

Hope it's  that easy…

* * *

I'm glad that Alex didn't change towards me. He still smiled and spoke to me as if I didn't tell him something, which he found horrible.

After buying two movie tickets, we went to the snack bar to buy some popcorn.

"Oh you gotta be kidding me." I heard Alex mutter under his breath, causing me to turn and follow his gaze, only for my world to stop, seeing Monty by the entrance.

I forgot the ability to move until Alex nudged me. I blinked and turned to him. He has this amused smile.

"Seriously, Winston, close your fucking mouth. Some fly would literally rent in there."

I blushed, and sneaked another glance at Monty, longer than necessary, then to the other jocks he’s with. They’re standing by the ticket booth. I shifted closer to Alex and poked his side. "Zach's among them."

"I know. I hate it." Alex then stepped forward as it's our turn. "Two medium-sized popcorn please. Plain... And two cokes?" He told the guy behind the counter and turned to me.

"Coke," I confirmed.

And he went on ordering. But half of my attention was on the noise from the jocks. God… I couldn't believe I would see Monty here.

Oh, fuck.

I desperately searched for any mirror or any surface where I could see my reflection and fixed my hair as I saw them making their way towards us!!!

"Hi, Alex." Zach said beside me. I, discreetly, give Alex another nudge.

Alex barely glanced. "Hi."

"Zachy, I'm gonna have these Hot Tamales," Monty announced, tapping his fingers on the glass display counters, pointing over the Hot Tamales candy bars wrapped in red.

He caught my gaze and it was too late to retrieve my eyes back. So, I threw a soft smile at him, hoping I wasn’t too obvious about my loud attraction.

"Hey, Winston. You and Alex on a date?" he asked instead, and I swore I felt blood rush through my cheeks.

"N-no," I shook my head at once.

"What about you and Zach, Monty? You guys on a date?" Alex cuts in.

"Yeah. Actually it's the four of us, Scott and Charlie."

Scott and Charlie smiled and waved, making Alex roll his eyes.

Zach cleared his throat and looked at Alex. I guessed that maybe he wanted to speak to him… alone, so being a good friend as I am, I stepped aside and took the chance to stand beside Monty. But I made sure to be discreet and just tapped my fingers against the counter, my eyes fixated at the menu posted in front.

Zach whispered something to Alex and I could only catch a few words like 'mad' and 'me', giving me enough hint of what he's saying.

I tensed feeling Monty moved closer to me. "Never thought I'd see you here."

I blushed and glanced at him. "Yeah. Small world."

Then he asked me if we’re going to watch the same movie. A horror one.

“I think we should just sit together, then." Monty suggested, glancing over to Zach and Alex. "Especially, it looks like Zach and Alex have something to talk about."

I chuckled, "Sure." Would love to sit next to you.

"Winston," I heard Alex called and saw that our popcorn was ready. I took one last glance at Monty and uttered a "See you later," before making my way back to Alex.

"What did Zach tell you?" I whispered as we made our way inside the cinema.

"He wants to talk. I said yes."

I just hummed.

"Dammit, Winston. I still like him and I hate it," Alex whined a moment later, making me smile.

We took the seat in the middle section, since it's not too far and not too close, and we could watch properly. Different trailers were being shown and I noticed that there were only a few cinema-goers or maybe only few wanted to see this movie.

Later, I spotted Monty and the group inside looking for a seat, so I gave a secret wave at them, specifically, at Monty. He called his friends after he saw me. Then they made their way to us. I hid a smile. My heart wouldn't shut up about it, and it literally wanted to jump off my chest when Monty took the seat next to me.

Calm down, Winston. I’m afraid he could hear it from here, screaming his name.

Zach tried and asked Alex if he could sit beside him, only receiving a nod from Alex. But I could practically read his mind regretting taking the middle seats, when we could just take the space on either right or left wing, and have all the spaces on our own.

"Are you following me?" I heard Alex mumble to Zach.

"No. I… Monty pointed us here and…maybe I did, by deciding to sit next to you," Zach admitted.

I decided and just diverted my attention to Monty and his Hot Tamales. "Does that taste good?"

"You wanna taste?" He gestured one to my direction. I swallowed, not expecting his sudden offer. Or maybe it's because his shoulder brushed against mine.

"N-no. Thanks."

"Come on," Monty began tearing one package open and handed it to me, "Have some."

I glanced at him and reluctantly reached, staring intently at his hand, tempting to hold it.

"No, don't taste that." One of the jocks interrupted. I stopped. "You will get addicted," he added, grinning.

"Oh, fuck off, Charlie," Monty waved. "Come on. Gimme your hand."

"You're not trying to poison me, are you?" I tried to joke.

And I blushed seeing his boyish smile. "Oh no. It's a love potion," he winked.

Now that sent me. If I happen to be an ice, I've melted by now.

You don't need to give me any love potion, Monty. I wanted to say.

With a trembling hand, I held my palm out and he poured some on it. I uttered a thanks and put everything in my mouth, letting it melt in my tongue.

Charlie was right, it's kind of addicting.

"So?"

"I think I'm in love," I blurted, not breaking eye contact.

He looked away.

Oh no! Wrong move, Winston.

"I mean your friend's right. It's addicting."

He turned back to me and smiled. "I know right." He, then, handed me the Hot Tamales. “Here, have it.”

It would be a shame to take his offer down, so I just took it, our fingers brushing; enough to send electricity down my body. I wondered if he felt it too.

Wishful thinking, Winston.

"Why are you taking Monty's food? It might be contaminated," Alex whispered.

I shrugged him off and offered it to him. "You should try."

"No thanks."

I couldn't help but find Alex's distaste towards Monty, funny. Even though I shouldn't. But I'm afraid I might continue teasing him about it.

The movie finally started. And it's supposed to be scary as it's a horror film. But I'm not a bit scared. However, I'm tempted to hold Monty's hand that was on the armrest between us. But more tempted to pull the armrest up and just lean onto him. Maybe act scared?

As he took his hand away to get some popcorn - since I decided to share my popcorn with him and his friends, who I now know the names of: Charlie and Scott - I, sneakily, placed my hand on the armrest in hopes to be held by him.

Sadly, after he took a handful of popcorn he didn't put his hand back, but my hand stayed where it was. And I just forgot all my attempts on flirting.

"Holy shit!" he exclaimed.

And I tensed not because the scene was scary but because his hand, finally, landed on mine. I hid a smile. And when I thought he would notice and take it away, he didn't, and just stayed there. Though, I wasn't sure if he was ever aware of our hands, or he's too focused on the movie to even notice.

My heart pounded so loud, I could barely hear the show, and could hardly concentrate on it, blocking everything around me but only his presence. I’m only aware of the warmth and the weight of his hand on mine, making my throat dry. I just dreamt of kissing him, or simply lean on him, and embrace more of his scent.

Ugh! Shut it, Winston. Try and hold yourself together.

But how, when he’s close like this? Needless to say, his hand on mine?

The movie just ended without me really understanding everything that happened.

Monty made some comments about it, asking me some of it as soon as we got out to the lobby. I just nodded along, agreeing with everything he said. But Charlie argued with him and they went on, leaving me completely clueless, even though we all watched it together. I should've tried and focused on the show, so I could have a proper conversation with him. But until now, the heat of his hand pricked on my skin.

"Winston," Alex called, and began to walk. I hesitated and followed him outside, not giving me the chance to say goodbye to Monty and his friends.

"Are you alright on your own?" he asked

I frowned, blinking once. "Y-yeah."

"I need to go with Zach," he glanced at Zach, who’s busy chatting or probably saying parting words with his buddies, and rolled his eyes back to me. "Said he wants to talk."

"Oh. Sure."

"Again, beware of Monty. Don't be fooled by his good looks."

"So, you admit he looks good."

Alex stammered but soon gave up, sighing. "Whatever Winston. Don't say, I didn't warn you."

"Okay. Have fun with Zach." I gave his shoulder a pat. "And thanks for inviting me. I really had fun," I smiled.

Alex had to roll his eyes again. "I think I know why."

[2kultra]

On the psych ward

Wake up

Fog from the medications

Sedated last night

For acting out

Breathe in

Push down rough olive green blanket

Step onto the cold floor of the observation room

A camera in the corner across from your bed

Nurses outside 24/7

Peek out of room

Morning meds are called

Shuffle into line behind 5 or 6 other people

Everyone gets mouth checked to make sure they're not cheeking

Throwing small paper cups into the trashcan as they finish

Zyprexa, ativan, antidepressant, can't remember which

Breakfast is on the unit

Middle aged man in an apron rolls in the blue plastic cupboard full of breakfast in styrofoam contaners

Paper bag full of juice and milk on top

The styrofoam boxes are handed out by name

And as we eat, the officer shows up to take people to court

Hands against the wall, lock up your hands and feet, off in the car you go

And for those of us that stay on the unit

Group time

Clinician sitting in a chair in the dayroom

Patients sprawled out on the hard, vinyl cushion padded couches and chairs

Check in

Are we safe today

Let's get started

As I eagerly wait for the doctor to pull me into the consultation room

Gonna ask for my release date

Group is about mindfulness

And while everyone works on staying in the moment

My eyes dart from side to side of the white room

And then to the nurse standing at the door with a clipboard

Still can't shake the delusions

Because I know she is in with the bad guy somehow

Mindfulness

Paying close attention to what you are seeing, feeling, hearing, tasting

And back in the good old days, they let you have cigarette breaks

Go "outside"

Aka a giant concrete room with a no windows and a ventilation system installed. A door on the other side leads to the courtyard. A picture of a ship sailing towards an island is painted on the wall.

In line, again

You get your cigarette and light it with the lighter that has a tongue depressor taped to it with "unit" scrawled in black marker on the side

Put it back in the plastic tub

And sit down wherever you choose to position yourself

In the sill of the blacked out obs room window was my favorite

But I also enjoyed sitting on the ground

Or at the picnic tables

To listen to a woman explain how I am her long lost daughter

And to learn how to light a cigarette that went out with the tip of another

Or discussing the psych tech on duty

These days you get a nicotine patch or gum

So you get the nicotine without the satisfaction or memories

It sucks

Anyways, back inside for some free time

So again, I get in line

For the phone

And try to ignore the heated and bizarre conversation the current patient is having about being sent here to die

It goes on for awhile, and I want to pace the halls, but I would lose my place in line

Finally, I reach the phone

I pull out a small folded up sheet of notebook paper with numbers on it

Dial down the list until someone picks up

And feign excitement and hope to try to make conversation

The phone and the news we're what you depended on to stay connected to the outside world

Speaking of, the news is on as I hang up the phone

I go into the tv room and sit on what might be the most uncomfortable chair ever

A young women walks in with one of the rough green blankets draped around her

And we both have the blue hospital socks with the white grip lines

She is wearing paper scrubs and has wet hair

She sips her got chocolate and we sit in silence until she tells me that she can see the devil in me

There was an awkward silence

I didn't know what to think, and I was too tired to form a response

Gonna go lay down

And I am laying face down with my hands crossed in front of my body and squished under my weight

Forcing my eyes closed

And somewhere between a dream and eavesdropping on a conversation in the hall, lunch is called

Lunch is off the unit, so again, we line up

Psych tech unlocks the metal door

And leads us across the way to the cafeteria

The food is so good, I can feel myself getting fatter

Even if it's just a sandwich and chips

Instead of the entree

I don't care

Zyprexa makes me hungry

I have seconds

And after lunch, we go back to the unit

Checked to make sure we didn't bring back utensils

And then finally my doctor shows up for me

Been waiting forever

And as he pulls me into the consultation room I prepare to ask for my release date

"We are looking at at least another week"

And then everything else seemed less important

At least another week

Where the days blend together into this bizarre dream in this world of confinement and rigid rules

"Any questions for me today?" He asks

"No. Thanks."

And back to the day room I go

Devil girl is nowhere to be seen

Thank god

Occupational therapist comes in

And puts on the kid gloves to do crafts with us

And try to teach us how to cope

And of course the exercise group

Chair yoga this week? Yeah, lame

I sleep through it after a second dose of ativan

And wake up to another smoke break

My favorite friend there was a big man in a wheelchair

He was schizophrenic and he always talked to me

"When I die, I'm gonna come back an eagle. I'll fly across the sky and shit on all these motherfuckers" he says

And also talks about passing the time by counting the cinder blocks in the wall

Whatever helps

A girl with a black hoodie, a messy bun, and a weathered face says "the best thing about time is that it doesn't go backwards"

I'll remember that forever, though I didn't know it at the time

A man on the patio who has been eyeballing me since I heard his phone conversation finally approaches me

He asks if I am here to kill him, to which I say no

I am so medicated that life feels like a dream

And as we line up to go inside from the smoke break, I am called to the nurses station

Another dose of zyprexa

And I am at my limit

The fog in my mind takes over

And I am out cold

Somehow back in my bed

Somehow feeling peace

And somehow, I stay asleep until about a minute before we were to line up for dinner

Devil girl was in line, and rather than risk an encounter in the cafeteria, I ask if I can eat on the unit

"Sure" they say

And so I am sent another sandwich

In a styrofoam container

And I watch a movie as I eat it

I couldn't tell you what movie, but it somehow transformed into a narrative of my life

And I could hear peoples encoded messages to me

Among the other lines in the movie

Transfixed, I eat my sandwich mindlessly and messily

And focus with all my might on the mental image of a right triangle that was carved into one of the picnic tables

It was a sign of 3 things I had to do to be released

And this ignites something in me

So i proceed to tear through the collection of paperback books in the art room, writing on pages, reading passages aloud

My horoscope said "time flies like fruit flies" according to the paper

I rip my horoscope out and keep it in my pocket

And as I reach the peak of my madness, searching and making a mess,

A psych tech appears in the doorway with my mother and my husband

Visitor hour

And so I try to think of how I could ask them for help with the right triangle

So i can get out

The psych tech pulls me away from my visitors momentarily

For another dose of something, I didn't know what that time

I want to say it was just more zyprexa

As she had seen me tearing up the art room

And I go back to my mother and husband

Who have brought me a snack

And we talk about nothing

For about 15 minutes

Before I find myself laying on the floor

Overcome by the meds

They walk me past the nurses station to my room

And help me into bed

A nurse brings me my trazodone

And the rest is a blur of voices and noises

And with the obs camera watching i gently drift off

Maybe I'll ask to move into one of the regular rooms down the hall tomorrow