okay let's be boring and go with ace as a name bc that's my nickname irl bc I'm a massive gilmore girls fan (team logan btw iykyk)!!
I really want to attempt writing fics but I'm wayyyy to nervous! I was okay at English in school and I always send obnoxiously long asks into blogs on here with my ideas based on their fics (sorry fellow tumblr.com authors you all get forced to see my writing) but I have nightmares of writing and putting it on here only to be bullied off the platform ahahahahah
jealous of the sun bathing in England rn its been pissing it down raining all dayyyyy, we only get like 1 week of sun a year and the rest of the time its very stereotypically rainy !! my day was shit but always better after taking to you bff!
also please excuse my excessive use of exclamation marks idk why but to me a full stop feels mean and I also use ellipsis way too much but I, like you, am the drama so I love to build unnecessary tension...
I've actually always wanted jury duty but I've never been called for it, I know it's meant to be so boring but I want to live my jury duty delusion of being a hot juror! a torrid jury love affair? hello I'd read that fic
spring break always sounded so fun to me as a sad English child!! we just call it Easter holidays and be boring and religious but when I hear spring break I imagine drunk people on a beach in florida yk?
my current obsessions for blogs are;
-lottiecrabie (pfms has me in a chokehold)
-toomuchracket (living in the flatmate! matty delusion rn)
-byyourside28 (loving the soft sound series as a person obsessed with getting tattoos)
-justlikemebutsixfootthree (literally all their smut is god tier)
-bookishstrawberry (fluffy and gizmo series has my heart)
-imightgetbetter (the whole love it if we made it series has me wanting children but only fictional ones with matty... the delusion creation is STRONG)
and OF COURSE the no 1 blog on tumblr is the beautiful, amazing and unmatched... shinycollorboneapologist
omg yes to only letting matty into our cottage to sing, we will bring him out tea and cigarettes but otherwise no rats allowed sorry ratthew!! taylor however gets the master suite with a 4 poster bed and unlimited pampering!! same with Ross, George and Adam bc only ratty needs humbling (I really do love you tho Matthew give me one chance I'll be your controversially young gf)
ily bff!!!
-ace (my new name rip illicit affairs anon you will be missed)
ps. apologies for the ridiculously long ask I literally am so obnoxious
..... i love gilmore girls. lets chat abt that.
okay that is very ... warranted. i also was super nervous and tbh ... style was probably never going to be posted but i was a bit inebriated after my birthday and just posted it without looking back. look at us now!!! so for that, i say you should 110% just take the leap. i will be your #1 fan actually.
i will send the sunshine and good vibes your way. i usually like the rain a lot, but i can imagine it gets a bit tiring if its like that all year long. im glad you had a good day!!!!
i love your use of exclamation points okay. there i said it. it just makes everything you say feel so excited and happy and i love it. the ellipses ...... love that for us. ofc you are the drama, you're the main character hello.
that is how i want my spring break to be, but alas i am working and writing my silly little stories for tumblr.com. SGLJFDLG easter holiday just sounds so cute though?
okay can we talk about pfms.... because that. that fic is my hyper fixation atm. like i just … it’s everything to me.
also all of those blogs i follow and love more than life itself. most of them axtually inspired me to write myself which is like 🫂 i use all of them as my silly little delusional daydreams (esp toomuchrackets flatmate!matty, the things i would do for that man and justlikemebutsixfootthree’s recent smut… jeez)
please you are too kind. idk abt no 1 blog BUT… i’ll take it okay.
maybe some cheese too, since he is a rat. taylor gets the master suite with us, we’ll bake her little cookies and biscuits and give her the best pampering treatment of her life. (also pls let’s not conjure matty to my blog … that would be so embarrassing to me i think i would keel over and die) (i also will fight u for the spot of matty’s controversially young gf)
ilysm and i hope u have a great day
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I might presume we all know about this kind of loneliness: it unfolds when you are not together, when the other is so delicious and sustaining, when being apart for more than a day — and now it has been three years since we met — is the beginning of a new kind of pain, new yet recognizable every time, every time.
Borges writes: “Being with you and not being with you is the only way I have to measure time.”
Do we move forward? How do we move forward when change happens too slowly? Our relationship is fraught. It's not forbidden (anymore ... well, not entirely), yet it feels like it is ...
Dear Lonely,
I am very curious about you, and cannot help but try to reconstruct your life backwards from this moment. I am most intrigued by the forbiddenness of the past which feels ever-present. I am curious about the flavour of your illicitness and what it made you do. And finally, I wonder if the grief of this liberating uncertainty is what you are really missing.
Three years often does feel like the moment in time where surface tensions either combust or fray. Though I cannot tell what is happening in your question.
To return to the present moment, there is none in your query. Where are you, Lonely? Where did you go? Have you promised too great a compromise, fled too quickly toward the temple of love, marked yourself too perfectly in the image of your partner? I get the feeling something has changed in your professional life, which has caused some social distance between you. Or perhaps you have flown solo on too many jet planes. They say those are lethal, like the idea of love without the burden of living out its destiny.
I don’t want to presume too much into the nature of your relationship, but have you had any fun together lately? Have you really talked? Moved?
For the moment, I am too caught up in the interiority of your question. You have too farly obscured feeling. All I can think to are these keywords: three years, Argentina, an ellipsis. Speaking of Argentina, … well there you have it–in three years.
Here is a tidbit I'm reminded of – Robert Schumann and Clara Schumann, his wife and child prodigy, whom he so looked up to having himself grown up poor and psychotic, on top of having the nickname “Little Mushroom” – used to keep a marriage diary. They resolved, on their wedding day, to write every day, and to share it with each other every Sunday without fail (“at coffee time if possible”). These messages included secretarial duties, failures to chore, kisses, and all that is left to measure devotion. It was decided, at the end, if you are wondering, that the talisman on which all of life’s happiness depended was inscribed thusly: Industry, Thrift, and Loyalty.
How does this sound to you? Please don’t hesitate to write back with your own big three. I am curious as to what keeps you and your partner together when a day apart seems too much to bear? Or is it that together is too little for you, and towering summer nights? Or are you long-distance? Any info is welcome here, and I am eager to hear it.
To bid good, I want to leave you with Rilke’s Ninth Elegy, an excerpt which says,
Show him how happy a thing can be, how innocent and ours,
how even sorrow’s groan resolves upon form,
serves as a thing or dies into a thing–, and in that blissful beyond,
is unmoved even by the violin. –And these things
that keep alive on departure know that you praise them.
Fleeting, they look to us, the most fleeting, for help.
They want us to change them completely, in our invisible hearts,
into–oh endlessly— us! Whoever, finally, we may be.
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just read your TOS fics on AO3 and they made my night <3~
thank you, i really appreciate it! i’m sorry i haven’t written tos in like. four years 🙈
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Lve your blog. Showed up for sigils and now I get like, herbalism tips. You're the best.
Thank you so much!
I could just reblog my sigils endlessly but I like to keep the content fresh, so I like to throw in other witchy things or important social things that I care about too
Most things I reblog here I also save into my drafts for me to add to my own spell books later
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for @illicit-ellipsis
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SAT Long List (Suppl)
impermeable
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immutable
skirmish
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precocious
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allegory
robust
poignancy
husband
contentious
versatile
aspire
grievance
conclusive
reimburse
vehement
felicity
industrious
escapism
acidulous
chary
volatile
disclaim
prank
pore
deface
acme
condiment
obligatory
dismiss
pine
revulsion
prowess
ostracize
poseur
wrath
schism
slur
gourmet
heedless
importune
tutelage
disenfranchise
droll
entrepreneur
jaunty
assiduous
influx
bemoan
filibuster
pundit
tenure
badinage
antiquated
adulterate
intemperate
pivotal
parry
extricate
precipice
lament
vogue
eccentricity
cogent
benevolent
misgiving
deign
pusillanimous
hovel
insurmountable
turncoat
histrionic
dross
verbatim
virile
ponderous
nocturnal
mobile
frenzied
cognate
lucrative
contrived
gregarious
stultify
penury
renegade
colloquial
deride
censor
prognosis
connoisseur
revelry
exigency
rendition
delirium
euphoria
parochial
prestige
crop
hypocritical
emaciated
rancor
admonition
clout
confound
ignoble
apocalyptic
hiatus
tranquility
partition
opaque
invert
exorbitant
throes
suborn
tentative
clime
nuptial
lurid
temporal
waif
dogged
malady
dregs
breadth
animated
raspy
cubicle
ineffable
transient
avid
austere
ingenue
contortion
abut
accost
smirk
phobia
phlegmatic
sunder
intervene
affinity
mercurial
compliance
tightwad
unruly
demagogue
impetuous
recidivism
engross
cavil
gloat
modulate
inarticulate
sleight
verge
perjury
practicable
profane
SAT Long List (Suppl) was originally published on PinkWrite
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LFF 2018: Long Day’s Journey into Night (Bi Gan, 2018)
Ellipsis driven, Bi Gan’s epic unfolds dreamily in neon greens and purples, inside flooded rooms and ruins that still carry the lingering smell of illicit activities. Luo (Huang Jue) returns to the town he left, looking for a woman he lost. It’s a well worn premise and little more exposition is needed; hewing close to the narrative conventions of the genre, Long Day’s Journey into Night is a ruminant on torch bearing, both filmic and personal, establishing a world in which noir is myth: there will always be something lost, there will always be someone trying to regain it and the world is against them.
Then 90 minutes in, Luo sits down in a cinema, puts on a pair of 3D glasses and Bi Gan takes this logic to its ultimate conclusion. The film fades to black, returns with a late title card and the worlds fabric becomes myth.
We enter into an hour long tracking shot, entirely in a 3D used to conjure the otherworldliness of what we have emerged into. Not everyone will buy it, in my screening there were walkouts either side of the divide. And yeah there’s a real dumbness to it, buying into it’s own technical wizardry at its most indulgent and, as a character points down past a zip line towards a conurbation of lights saying “make your way through the ruined prison”, feeling like an open world game.
Even with these flaws the ambition is admirable and as the camera glides and spins into the realms of magical realism come moments of real transcendence, culminating in Luo's eventual confrontation with a form of reality; an anticlimax that demonstrates a sense of restraint and clarity of vision. We are unclear if anything has really happened at all, left only a weightlessness in the thought that memories owe more to the present than they do to the past.
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“Céline is my Proust!” Philip Roth once said. “Even if his anti-Semitism made him an abject, intolerable person. To read him, I have to suspend my Jewish conscience, but I do it, because anti-Semitism isn’t at the heart of his books… . Céline is a great liberator.” Louis-Ferdinand Céline was born on this day in 1894. He was a French writer largely remembered for his first novel “Journey to the End of the Night,” a loosely biographical work teeming with disease, misanthropy, and dark comedy. He was decorated for bravery in the First World War, and wrote anti-Semitic pamphlets in the run-up to the Second, after which he was declared a national disgrace and imprisoned for collaborationist sympathies. Céline, in short, is one of the great problems in twentieth-century literature: you find yourself irresistibly drawn in by the fearless singularity of his vision, even while aware of the appalling place to which it led him. What’s striking is how absent his grievous opinions are from his great novels where one can occasionally glimpse a gentle humanist buried beneath a bitterly stung idealism.
Everything that Céline became was an act of will. From a modest background, he was taken out of school early to work in trade, but he seemed unable to hold down jobs. The First World War—in which he was wounded while voluntarily undertaking a dangerous mission—freed him from this humdrum future; he educated himself relentlessly and came out of the war determined to be a doctor. He worked as an obstetrician and later in a public dispensary for the poor. The mind that emerged from this background is defiant, obscene, unsparing, willfully provocative, but it is also entirely without vanity.
Céline does not attempt a novel of ideas. His work has little in common with that of his contemporaries Sartre and Camus. And he defies the expectations of more traditional fiction—any impulse towards heroism, transcendence, escapism are absent. One is forced to read Céline in a different way—to not only share his perceptions but to somehow feel them. With his speech rhythms, his slang, his heavy use of ellipsis, he embroils you in the writing. But this is much more than a trick of style; it is the work of a wildly original imagination. His writing is intensely physical: a New York subway train is “a cannonball filled with quivering flesh”; he describes the “long, oozing house fronts” of the poor Paris suburbs and the “rickety dribbling children with nosefuls of fingers.” His experience as a soldier and doctor perhaps account for a biological fixation in his imagery and a perspective of pitiless objectivity. Here he is describing the act of speech:
When you stop to examine the way in which words are formed and uttered, our sentences are hard put to survive the disaster of their slobbery origins. The mechanical effort of conversation is nastier and more complicated than defecation. The corolla of bloated flesh, the mouth which screws itself up to a whistle, which sucks in breath, contorts itself, discharges all manner of viscous sounds across a fetid barrier of decaying teeth—how revolting! Yet that is what we are adjured to sublimate into an ideal. It’s not easy. Since we are nothing but packages of fetid, half-rotted viscera, we shall always have trouble with sentiment … Feces on the other hand make no attempt to endure or to grow. On this score we are far more unfortunate than shit; our frenzy to persist in our present state—that’s the unconscionable torture. (“Journey to the End of the Night”)
While using language to persuasively undermine itself, this passage captures the essence of Céline’s deepest comedy: the energy of the writing versus the sense of utter futility he conveys. The sheer stylistic exuberance with which he puts forward character is often in devastating contrast to the pointless, calamitous schemes in which they are caught up. The best example of this is the editor, writer, and inventor whose insane and increasingly manic moneymaking schemes make up a third of “Death on the Installment Plan”:
Courtial des Pereires himself never stopped producing, imagining, conceiving, resolving, making claims … his genius tugged at his brains from morning to night…And even at night it didn’t rest…He had to hold tight to resist the torrent of ideas…And be on his guard…It was incomparable torture … Instead of dozing off like other people, he was pursued by chimeras, new crazes, fresh hobbies…close dialogTo get more of the latest
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The artistic energy Céline puts into creating this character, crafting one episode after another of virtuosic absurdity, seems of a piece with his own description of the novel’s paradox: “For me, you only had the right to die when you had a good tale to tell. To enter in, you tell your story and pass on. That’s what “Death on the Installment Plan” is, symbolically, the reward of life being death.” Céline draws his vitality, his linguistic life from a joy in describing human action that comes to nothing.
There is no room for pathos in Céline’s vision. He seems almost to fear it—as if it might be a mere literary indulgence. Although he describes the most wretched, pitiful scenes, he is always quick to undermine our sympathy. In “Death on the Installment Plan,” waiting for a train at Gard du Nord, Ferdinand is embraced by his mother’s “misshapen carcass”:
“I was terribly ashamed […] She hugged me so hard, with such a storm of emotion, that I reeled…On those occasions the tenderness that welled up from her misshapen carcass had the strength of a horse…The idea of parting drenched her in advance. A howling tornado turned her inside out, as if her soul were coming out her behind, her eyes, her belly, her bosom…it hit me in all directions, it lit up the whole station… […] I didn’t dare admit it, but in a way I was curious…I’d have liked to know how far she could go in her effusions…From what nauseating depths was she digging up all this slop?“
Running through this scene is the shame the family feels in an unfamiliar public space so far removed from their usual poverty-stricken surrounds. They cling to one another at the station, feeling miserably exposed, “timid, furtive.” But having set this up, Céline undercuts it with his curiosity about his mother’s emotions, her “slop.”
Céline’s autobiographical self is largely good-natured, sensitive to the discomfort of others, but unable to offer solace. One feels that he would consider it somehow dishonest, and that this is not a grand principle or a pose, but an instinct. Pulling against the bog of misanthropy in Céline’s work is a modesty, a naivety even. In “Journey to the End of Night,” Bardamu (his alter-ego) is at a trading post, deep in the African jungle, with an army officer who confides in him about his orphaned niece whose education he is paying for with money from various illicit trades with the natives. Céline writes how the officer tells the story in a “strange bumbling voice” and “blushed crimson, as if her had done something absolutely indecent.” Bardamu feels his distress and instinctively knows he “ought to help him tell his story,” but he is at a loss at how to respond to it: “I didn’t know what to say, I had no experience, but his heart was so superior to mine that I went red in the face.”
In Céline’s world, human suffering is on the same footing as human pleasure; there is no system of abstract truth to which one can appeal. “A time comes when you are all alone,” he writes in “Journey to the End of the Night,” “when you’ve come to the end of everything that can happen to you. It’s the end of the world, even grief, your own grief, doesn’t answer you anymore, and you have to retrace your steps, to go back among people, it makes no difference who.” There is something touching about this insight from one of literature’s most infamous misanthropes: the only place where, finally, we might find shelter from our suffering is in company—among people.
Céline returned to France in 1951, having been granted amnesty. He never renounced his former views and seemed to remain largely unrepentant, but in an interview in 1957 when asked about his anti-Semitism, he said, “My great sin in this was pride and, I’ll admit it, vanity, and stupidity.” In this utterance, he cites the very qualities that never mar his fiction. During another interview on TV that same year, he appears like a corpse, completely ravaged, sucked dry from the inside. The interviewer asks what message he hopes to impart about people before he dies: “Ils sont lourds,” (“they are heavy”), he says over again
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