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justmywriting1313 · 4 years ago

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I am here… I’ll always be here Part 2 (Diavolo x M/C) TW

Heyyyo friends!!! I hope you're doing well and are safe and all that jazz!!

Honestly I would give you a long spiel of why I haven’t been replying to stuff and haven’t posted in so long but at this point I know I am horrible at replying and I am soooooooo sorry about it. Please accept that it comes with me. I will do my best to give more content soon though!!!!!!

Currently I am in finals but I had worked on this for a bit before so here it is. My finals finish in like two weeks and then after that because I will travel I will be in quarantine therefore soooo much time to write so please be a little patient!!!!! Especially those who have requested stuff I promise ill get to you in a bit.

Anywhoooooo here it is also same as last time for this fic:

Part 1

I just wanted to say before hand the m/c in this deals with a lot of mental health issues like anxiety, self harm and eating disorders so this is a BIG TRIGGER WARNING THING!!!

If any of you EVER EVER EVER feel this way please know I am literally a message away and will hear you out without any judgement whatsoever, I know its daunting and can feel like there is no escape but there is always someone who will be there!!!! Okay with that said I hope you like it and hopefully this makes you feel a little less alone in the world.

I am posting it since many of you told me, you would like to read something like this. I just want to make it clear I am in no way romanticising mental health issues and self harm but for some people who may not have support in their actual live may or may not find this comforting which is why I thought i would post it. Also another thing, as much as I want this to be realistic I am trying to show hyper emotions and people not really knowing how to handle these kind of mental health issues so some of it may seem like a stretch at sometimes but as long as the fluff can comfort you thats what matters.

Summary: M/C bottles up some stuff and lets her mental health issues pile away quietly until one day it explodes... and the brothers are there.

Trigger Warning: M/c who deals with Anxiety and depression/ self harm/ eating disorders/ talking about these things/ descriptions of the former things listed and blood/ unedited - If anything else let me know.

You had been sitting and enjoying the feeling of normalcy something you hadn't had in what felt like forever when Barbatros put the food in front of you guys. He put so much but you assumed it was for Diavolo so you picked up the spoon and bought it up to him. He had been looking down at you in deep thought before he had taken the bite with a smile. He then bought a spoon of the food up to your lips. You lightly shook your head while still looking at Mammon flicking food at Levi, however, the minute you did all the chatter that was working around you died. The boys had been eying you anxiously waiting to see you eat but at the shake of your head they all shut up. You felt Diavolo stiffen up and his one arm tighten as you turned around to him. You still hadn't realised that this was all because you had refused to eat.

“What happened Dia?”

“Nothing love, I am just waiting for you to take a bite”

He said bringing the spoon up to your mouth again. He was really hoping you would leave it at that so that you could go back to what finally seemed like a normal night something you all desperately needed, but again you shook your head. You were now starting to get worried that this night may not be as easy as you thought so you resorted to lying about it. Its a small one right its not like it would hurt too much and then you could all go back to normal but you were so wrong.

“Oh! I am not hungry Dia! I ate enough snacks earlier.”

You said smiling hoping he would buy it. His frown clearly said no and the grumbling of the others also showed you that you were not going to worm out of this one. Your grip on the table tightened and your stomach clenched. Your body felt tense and that didn't help the pain of the cuts on your body.

“Whaddya mean M/C?!? You had one fistful of popcorn and that was it! Even that I had to force ya to! And whats worse anytime we tried to get ya to eat after ya clamped ya mouth shut!”

Mammon exclaimed. He did not like that you were lying I mean yeah when he did it or asked you to it was fine but right now was different.

“Why don't you want to eat M/C?”

Beel asked softly. He was also frowning but more from worry than anger.

“You guys are overreacting… I eat I promise! I mean I just had food before you guys came to my room okay I got a snack from the kitchen.”

“M/C please do not lie! I was in the Kitchen helping Barbatros cook for a good few hours and you did not at any point come in,”

Satan said sternly he hated lying and this was the worst situation to do so. You still were going to try and get out,

“Guys you're acting as if I stopped eating... but I eat I mean I have big appetite usually… its just probably how I am tired today… its made me lose my appetite”

You exclaimed hoping this new tactic worked…

...It did not

“Oh really? Is that so? Then when was the last time you ate mhmm M/C? because it clearly wasn't today or the day before or even the day before that! I would know… Beel and I had kitchen duties”

Belphie exclaimed. You could see he was considerably angry with the charade you were refusing to give up. He seemed to be fuming, his possessiveness of his human coming through,

“You have changed your story three times now M/C… I do not need to ask Diavolo who can tell when someone is lying to know you are lying!”

Lucifer had dealt with lying from his brothers before but with you he absolutely hated it. Firstly because he thought your relationship was such that you wouldn't have to and secondly because he thought you trusted him… his pride was hurt right now!

“Honey we aren't angry we ar– ” Asmo started,

“I am!!” both Mammon and Belphie exclaimed.

“As I was saying M/C we are concerned sweetie… clearly something has been wrong for the past month or so and you wont let any of us in… we just want to help”

Asmo continued, surprisingly he seemed to be the only brother making some sort of impact and thats because he had a sense of what was happening. Being the avatar of lust was not always rainbows he has had many a partner who were in what he assumed is the same situation but this time for him it was a lot worse because it was you… this was the first time the consequences of these mental burdens weighed more than he was prepared for.

But then you felt Diavolo take a deep breath behind you. You knew he was controlling himself in front of the boys. If this had just been you two right now everything would have come out in the open a lot sooner and he would also have forcefully fed you food.

“Please princess… You don't even have to talk about whats bothering you now but I in good conscious and… not just as your boyfriend but the one responsible for your well being will not let you leave this room without you having eaten something substantial…”

Diavolo’s words were lightly murmured in your ear and they broke your resolve a little. Though they were quiet you also heard the silent threat which was he actually wouldn't let you leave. You decided some food wont be bad and hey if you still feel guilty you wouldn't eat the next day and that would make up for it.

“Okay Okay! I’ll eat guys please calm down… I’ll eat if it makes you all feel better yeah?”

“Take a bite first M/C!”

It was rare to see Mammon be serious and hold a tone that would command others to listen to him yet it seemed to be the only thing you could read on his face. It bought an all too familiar stinging to your eyes as you bit your lip in attempts to keep the emotions as bay. The others would have been surprised if they weren't more so concerned. Diavolo could feel you fidgeting in your seat. You felt overwhelmed as they all looked at you with stern worried or angry eyes and you were reminded of why you did not want to be with them putting the feeling or normalcy aside. As sweet as this worry was you knew this was a slippery road down a conversation that a you didn't have the courage for because a) it would hurt them and you and b) You didn't even have the words to explain yourself. In all honesty you hadn't had this bad an episode in years and even if you had had it in the human world you would have been comforted in knowing not many people would care so you could fix this on your own sweet time. Anyway if eating meant you could protect them from this side of you then so be it. How difficult could it be?

You weren't prepared for how wrong you were!

Diavolo looked at you looking at all of them with wide eyes. He tried to keep his worry and anger at bay with kind words and gentle smiles since the boys were already overwhelming you. He once again bought the spoon to your lips and felt his shoulders relax a little when you wrapped your lips around it. You swallowed it and all the boys slowly started to eat again though the idle chatter did not resume. You took two more bites when you felt your body jerk rejecting a meal that was so heavy. You felt your heart drop and palms sweat as the panic of eating something with so many calories settled in.

“Nope I cant do this!”

You exclaimed as you felt what little you had coming back up. You ripped yourself away from Diavolo as your body trembled. He pushed the chair back in surprise at your sudden reaction. This gave you the perfect means to slip between his and Lucifer’s chair as you made a mad dash for the door. You felt the bandages around your stomach rip but you didn't think too much of it though in hindsight you should have given the amount of cuts and the depth of some of them. You could feel some of the blood drip down your front as you ran to the closest bathroom.

The scrape of the chairs echoed around you as you heard the boys shout your name and run after you. They first thought you just didn't want to eat but when they saw you hold a hand over your mouth they realised your body was rejecting the meal. It was Asmo and Satan first who realised that this is a lot worse than what they thought. They all followed you, Mammon in the front given his speed followed by Diavolo and Lucifer. But none of them were quick enough as you locked the door to the bathroom.

You could hear them banging on the door and jingling the handle but you paid it no mind. You fell to your knees in front of the toilet, you heaved what little food you had consumed in the day, tears streaming down your face your hair covering your face. Your heartbeat was the only thing ringing in your ears as your body continued to tremble. You placed one hand on your stomach and you felt something slick. You didn't have time to see what it was as you continued to dry heave. You felt a pair of hands stroke your hair… the boys must have broken down the door. They were the slender hands of Mammon, you could tell just from feeling them comb to your hair as he collected them into a ponytail. Another pair of hands which were much larger and warmer circled your waist. You could tell just from the feeling and the familiar warmth of his huge body that it was Diavolo

Asmo had stopped Diavolo outside and had told him that there was no point in letting anger take over cause these things weren’t in your control and so Diavolo tried his best to be gentle as he bought his face closer and whispered words of comfort,

“Shhhhh… its alright M/C… Calm down love, It will be fine... we are sorry... I am sorry love!”

Diavolo had never felt worry like this before in his life. This was something that as a demon he had never really been taught about and it killed him to know there wasn’t much that he could do. He tried to wrack his brain for what your file had said but all he could remember was the file and you telling him it was resolved issue. The lack of control he felt was damn near maddening because it wasn’t just him, it was the others as well.

Then you felt the smaller and cooler hands of Asmo as he rubbed circles on your back. He also gently shushed you,

“Its okay M/C you are fine sweetie… You'll be fine okay? We’re sorry we pushed you so much… we didn't know what was happening but now do okay? So we will take it slow okay? We promise… We’re sorry honey we should have recognised the signs earlier..”

Finally your body finished as you collapsed in the arms of Diavolo. All the other boys had been crowded around the entrance. Beel and Belphie were already in tears, Levi was trying not to faint and Lucifer was clenching his fists so tightly he was going to draw blood despite the gloves. Satan and Mammon stood side by side. They were all trying to collect themselves.

Diavolo pulled one arm away so he could wrap it around your shoulder only to see smudges of blood covering his sleeve. He frowned but then when he looked down he felt his eyes widen and his jaw go slack. A hoodie is usually made out of thick material. You would think that even if bleeding cuts were pressed against it, the material wouldn't soak through but what Diavolo saw completely disproved that. It was completely soaked through with what he could assume were deep cuts. He pulled away little more and grabbing the bottom of the hoodie in a tight fisted grasp, he slowly pulled the material away from you body to just below your breasts.

You were so out of it, with no comprehension to what was happening around you that the only reaction you could give was a wince as the material clung to the cut up skin and pulled at it. All the other boys stood around with widening eyes not really understanding where this was going.

Diavolo brushed his knuckles against the shredded skin. Despite being a demon who has seen more than his fair share of blood and gore he felt himself shudder at just how far you had pushed your body.

Mammon who had taken to stroking your hair felt his stomach lurch at the sight of your upper body. His hands fell away from your hair so he could scramble back. You were leaning your forehead on your forearm which was braced against the toilet. Your body was in clear view and he could smell the metallic smell of the blood as his mind was relived a sight he had never wanted to see again. He was bought back to the day he had held your body and ran to the others as he begged you to hold on. It was the same thing, the smell of your blood, the sticky feeling as it soaked through your clothes, your pale face... it felt too familiar but also so much worse. Actually that seemed like a carnival compared to what he was seeing now. You had mutilated your body and the pale skin that seemed stretched too tight against your skin. He could feel tears well up in his eyes as watched you try to get yourself together.

Lucifer who had been stood by the door and was coming in to the bathroom to help Diavolo faltered in his footsteps. His eyes wide like saucers as he watched the blood drip down your stomach and then fall on to the white tiled floor. He couldn't feel his hands and his heart was pounding away too fast for his liking. He felt his whole body freeze.

Levi fainted at the sight of so much blood. Belphie let out a strangled sob as Beel gripped his twin. Beel was relieving a sight he had never wanted to see again and Belphie felt like he had been dropped into one of his own nightmares all over again. Satan looked ready to shatter at what he saw.

He along with Mammon were probably the most hurt by the fact that you had done this. You could have come to them, you could have confided in them they way they had in you and yet you chose to do this instead.

Asmo was the only one who seemed not as shocked. Being the Demon of Lust these kind of mental health issues were something he was familiar with. Not just because many a partner had struggled with it but because when people did these things it was driven by a desire. As much as he tried to show only a sexual desire, Asmo was well aware of desires beyond that... desires that pushed people to do the worst of things both to the others and themselves... A desire to escape emotional pain, to be good enough, to be pretty enough… whatever it was. It was the consequence of desire he had seen one too many times. What was jarring for him was that it was you. His powers did not work on you and so he didn't know that this is what you were struggling with. He has tried to help so many of those partners who do struggle with this and yet he never realised or at least never wanted to see you at the receiving end of that aid.

You finally managed to swallow your own saliva and open your eyes. You hadn't realised that all your secrets were open and bare for all to see until you took a woozy eyed look at Diavolo next to you. His eyes filled with unshed tears and his hand still holding the hoodie up. Time and actions caught up with you as you roughly pulled yourself away from his grasp. You backed yourself up into a corner of what you now realised to be Satans bathroom. The tears that had earlier been due to dry heaving wouldn’t stop for a different reason as you let your eyes scan over the boys. Strangled gasps and sobs were all that left you as your chest trembled. You were dissolving into a panic attack and all you could think about was how bad of a time this was to do so. You pulled the hoodie down as if that will fix all the damage that had been caused. You pressed on your stomach hoping the blood would disappear as your breathing got worse.

You tried hard to get your breathing in control as you hugged yourself but the more tears that clouded your eyes the harder it seemed.

“I am sorry, I am so so sorry… I didn't mean for you guys to find out and I promise its not as bad as it seems, I just… I lost control and I didn’t see how far I went but I promise it wont happen again. Please don’t… I don’t even know, I just… please leave me alone for some time and i’ll fix myself I promise and ˆ wont cause anyone anymore trouble... Ill be good I promise... just don’t hate me”

There was no point in trying to hold yourself together so instead you just bought your hands up to your face trying very hard to control the flow of tears and manage your breathing. None of them moved nor did they say anything. They didn’t know how to handle seeing you like this. You were one of the most cheerful, affectionate and happy people they had ever known and they all loved you oh so desperately and to see you completely broken and begging them not to hate you for something that isn’t your fault...

The silence of the room was suffocating but also helpful. It was helping because you weren't even looking at them so you could just pretend you were alone in your bathroom getting yourself back together like you had done so many times, but it also wasn’t helping because you didn’t know what they were thinking. Your mind was conjuring the worst case scenarios and you just didn’t know what to do. All you could do was mutter sorries and ill try to be better phrases.

They were all so consumed with their own thoughts that you took this as your chance to escape. Stumbling over books you ran out of the room. This is what pushed them all to snap out of it beginning with Asmo who realised that in the moment you needed the most reassurance from them, they had all hung their silence over your head, made you apologise and run away to your room where you would sit and think of how disappointed they are. With a loud exclamation Asmo ran after you,

“Fuck! Wait M/C come back darling we aren't angry and this is not your fault! M/C”

Asmo was just a bit too late as he rounded the corner to see you dash into your room and lock the door. He arrived at the door with a bang. He knew this was not what he should be doing but what else was he supposed to do. You needed to open the door and let him in for him to actually help. So he continued banging, trying the handle multiple times and trying to say things he knew should be helpful,

“M/C love look its just me, please open the door, you know that I understand darling, i’ve seen it so many times and I know how to help so please let me in doll… come now M/C please don’t ignore me, at least say something so I know you're alive… Honey please we don’t hate you!!”

Asmo continued though now he was cursing at the others who had yet to come. Unfortunately due to the strength of Lucifer and Diavolo’s magic no one beside them could open your door if you happened to lock it. Hopefully they would be here soon.

Meanwhile the other boys were still reeling from what had just happened. None of them knew what to make of the situation. Belphie was heartbroken. He was taken to the same day he had tried to end your life. He remembered how he had promised himself to never ever let you got through pain like that agin. And yet this is what he had to see, he never realized in trying to protect you from others that you had needed protection from yourself. Beel was not any better, he was wondering how you had hidden all the pain you felt in your head so well... always smiling and cheering up everyone in the house. But then his mind went to the times he had woken up with you snuggled into his back or chest, your hand tightly gripping his, cheeks red and sticky. He had always brushed it away as nothing, or you coming to get away from Mammon and Levi bickering, or just bad dreams. It never once occurred to him that maybe you were trying to hold yourself together and beat these habits by coming to him for security. As these thoughts settled in the twins realised that now you had run away to hide like you had been doing for the past month and they hadn’t even tried to show you that they could help. They turned to look at each other before they both let profanities escape and without looking at anyone else they dashed out the door. They followed Asmo’s banging and loud voice before arriving and joining in,

“M/C please open the door, let us help you… its only fair, you don’t have to do everything on your own. We love you M/C!!”

“M/C come on please we promise we aren't angry... just please open let us know if you're okay”

Your muffled sobs were very easily making it through the door as you ripped your blood and sweat soaked sweatshirt off of you. You wanted to scrub this dirty disappointed feeling of your body, you wanted to start again and so you ripped you other clothes of of you and you entered the shower, your hands already rigorously scrubbing your skin, your nails digging into soft flesh if it meant you could escape this feeling. Asmo, Belphie and Beel’s voices were now joined by Satan, Levi and Mammon who had snapped out of their own stupors not long after the twins.

Levi had been first realising that even normie’s could feel this way. As a demon self harm seemed very impractical since you know they can never die but Levi sure could relate with the feelings behind doing what you did and though he had fainted having seen the blood he had popped right back up. The blood and you having done what you had was actually not what had put him in as stupor. It was the fact that you, such a cheerful and happy person who was always been there for everyone, had not trusted him enough to let him know what was going on in your head. As true friends he had made sure you knew that you could share anything with him yet you had chosen to hide the one thing you probably should have told him. The idea that you were agin facing it alone had made him follow the twin soon after,

“M/C i’ll give you my full TSL collection if it means you open the door... hell i’ll come to class with you from now on like you wanted me to right? but only if you open this door.”

Satan had been in his trance because he had felt angry, he had always shared the burdens that plagued his mind without fear of you rejecting him because you had gone above and beyond to prove you were not the type of person to turn away someone like that… yet you had not felt the same trust towards him and that had pissed him off. Instead you had taken it on yourself and pushed everyone away, leaving yourself with so many mental and physical scars and the idea you might be doing it again... He had taken this moment to stop his wrath but once that was in control he marched behind Levi because he was not leaving until you knew damn well that he was there for you and that if you ever did something like this again without talking to him he would throw the biggest hissy fit on the planet. He also grabbed the medical kit from his room on the way seeing as Beel and him were the best with bandaging people up. Though they were more than enough people banging the door that didn't stop Satan from shouting at you to open the door,

“M/C open this door right fucking now... please just for once in your life don’t be stubborn and let us help and be there for you... like you are for us. Don’t make us break the door!!”

Mammon was not far behind. He was still very very shocked and scared but sitting next to Diavolo both of them covered in Patches of your blood, staring at where you had been just moments ago... he realised he couldn’t lose you again. He knows he is bad at showing love and lord/satan knows that he is pathetic at receiving it but the idea of losing M/C again... the idea of holding their body and so desperately looking for a pulse, a beat anything... he couldn’t do that again but if he didn’t get the fuck up and show them he was there for them then looking for a pulse is exactly what he would be doing again. He dashed up and was right there with the others,

“M/C doll you gotta open this door right fucken now yea? we can help but you gotta open the door thats all we ask please? we will take care of the rest whatever needs to be done we will do it but only if ya open the door! Please do if for your Mammoney... I’ll give ya Goldie”

They continued hoping something would get through to you but nothing did. Asmo cursed because the two people who could get this door open were still stuck in the bathroom and they were running out of options. If the amount of blood and cuts hadnt been as much Asmo would have bee more inclined to let you wait your panic attack out and then they all talk when they all had calmed down but obviously they couldn’t go down that route. The panic was worse because they could no longer even hear your cries anymore. All they could hear was running water and that was it. It terrified all of them. What if you had passed out? What if you had lost too much blood or cut somewhere too deep? Satan was also quick to realise you had put yourself under running water with bleeding cuts or at least assumed you had done that. Meaning you would keep bleeding and the cuts would not blot... Beel also seemed to have the same realisation as they both roared and tried to break the door down with more vigor. Asmo looked around waiting for Diavolo to show up because he knew that the devildom prince would get through to you but when he couldn't see him he cursed,

“Fuck okay Beel, Satan, Levi and Belphie you guys keep banging on the door, if nothing else the noise will annoy them and they might come out. Mammon see if you can fly to the window outside and break it and get in from there. If you do first get her out of shower and then open the door.”

“Yeah and what're you gonna do?”

“Knock some fucking sense into the crown Prince of Devildom.”

All the boys were quick to listen since they hadn't seen Asmo this angry ever. Asmo knew he wasn’t the intimidating type, even as a demon he was manipulative but he swore on anything and everything he could that if this went south because Diavolo was in too much shock he would burn all of Devildom down.

Beel, Belphie, Satan and Levi got back to trying get you out of the door or in Beel’s case break it down completely. Mammon had already begun his quick descent down the stairs and out the house to locate the window in his demon form and Asmo marched his way back to Diavolo and Lucifer.

Diavolo was still kneeling on the floor. His back hunched over and hair falling into his eyes as his eyes remained trained on the floor of the bathroom. The smudges of red against the white tile seeming unreal. His own hands covered in blood... of course it wasn’t the image of blood that had stunned his system into unwavering silence and shock... it was the fact that it was your blood.

He just couldn't move past the fact that you had done that to yourself. The shredded skin and the beads of blood forming along them... It truly was a cruel image. A demon with their claws would be able to achieve that but not a small human with a paper cutter or some small blade. He didn't know how he could have let it get to this point. Why didn't you come to him? If not him then Beel, Mammon, Asmo, or hell even one of the angels? Why did you think this was the only way out? He shook his head. That wasn’t even what he should focus on. What pain was so unbearably bad that the only control you found was through a blade? Why did you think they would hate you for this? what you had said while crying ringing around in his head. His brain felt muddled and heavy and his heart broken... he knew some bits from your file of course since Lucifer was diligent in his research when he did choose you but this, Diavolo clenched his fists and then unclenched them trying to get his brain and body to move but he had never been in such a situation... What was he supposed to do?

Lucifer was still standing in the same position as well. His eyes still wide and mouth still slack. He had walked himself back out of the bathroom but then he slumped against the frame of the entrance. What had happened? How had it happened? As much as Lucifer knew what he saw was your own doing, a small part of him could not believe you had done that to yourself... You couldn't have. His little ray of sunshine M/C, the same M/C who made sure he slept and ate no matter the amount of work. The only one who understood him and the pain he went through when they all fell. The one who took the brunt of Mammon disciple into their hands. The one who never said no to helping others and the same one who he had at first thought too naive and good hearted to be in Devildom. The same one who had not just proven him wrong but the one who became a permanent staple in his family and heart... she couldn't have done that to herself.

she couldnt have... but she had,

“We... I failed her...”

Lucifers voice hung in the air as he whispered it into the bathroom where it smelt off sick and blood. The silence was cut through by Asmo’s loud voice and angry yet delicate footsteps,

“No the fuck you didn’t... Okay Lucifer look as much as I want to stay and coddle your pride to try and reassure you this was not anyone fault I... we don’t have the time so please listen to me well since I am only going to explain this once... This isn’t anyones fault, not yours, not Diavolo’s, not mine nor Mammon’s and especially not M/Cs... I cant even tell you why or how she did it. That is their narrative to tell and they will tell it in their own way but right now even that is inconsequential... Lucifer what matters the most right now is that they know that we aren’t disappointed in them and that we still love them... I promise you that we will love and support them after this so they never feel the need to reach for the blade but we can only do that if there is someone to save and unless you and Diavolo open the door so we can fix her up we wont be able to help her... do you hear me... You’re wondering why they didnt come to you? Well thats because sometimes you need your loved ones to come to you okay? I promise Lucifer everything will be explained and we will work this out and make her feel safe and get back our M/C but only if she opens that door!”

Asmo then turned to Diavolo

“Look, I know you’re in shock and scared but if Levi could get over this than you do it. Diavolo i get that this is scary and what can you as a demon ever have to offer to help her right? you're wondering why she didn’t come to you and why she turned to this? like i said i don’t have the answers but the one person who does needs us more than ever and if you don’t wake up out of this then...”

He let the end hang in the air. Asmo knew danm well that you would make it out alive. The cuts would cause blood loss but he had known they couldn't kill you but he knew the implication would wake Diavolo out of his mindset,

Diavolo was still hunched over on the floor. Asmo hissed out a breath between clenched teeth before he pinched the bridge of his nose and walked over to Diavolo,

“... I can’t do is Asmodeus... I cant look at that sight again...” Diavolo whispered

“so you rather see her dead in her grave yeah? is that it? You rather look at lifeless eyes as they roll to the back of her head and her chest stops moving”

Shockingly enough that was the voice of Satan but not so shocking given the harsh and cold manner in which it was said. Asmo tried to stop him but Satan wasn't having it. He strode up to Diavolo whose head had snapped up,

“You think you cant do it? you cant get the fuck up and help the person you love? you can’t get up and show them the love they need because what you're scared to see them in pain? I get that you're scared and shattered that M/C did this but newsflash Diavolo we all are but we aren't going to sit around we are going to help her because your fear to see the pain should be the very driving force to help them... and if you cant or don’t have the balls to then you are more than welcome to leave”

Lucifer had broken out of his reverie not just because he had never seen Asmo this serious but because he knew Asmo was right. They can get all the answers to their questions later but only if that person was still alive after to answer them. By not doing anything right now they were letting M/C go and he would be dammed if he was going to let M/C’s pain be the one to take her away. They would figure it out but first M/C needed to come out alive out of this. Lucifer bent down infront of his boss but also his friend,

“Remember the first time M/C landed in Devildom... remember their eyes my lord, the fire in them as they walked right up to you and asked you whats going on while poking a finger at you... You hadn’t stopped talking about them for weeks after. Remember the first time they completed a task. It was at the house and you were visiting and when you had said good job and patted her head... remember the way their eyes glimmered and they had thrown their arms around you. The first time you told each other I love you... what had you said her eyes were like? like pools of melted onyx... You still want that? you want to see that when you ask her to stay in devildom... see that same glimmer?”

Diavolo nodded

“Then you have to get up my lord...” Lucifer muttered his voice deep, his hands squeezing his shoulders

Finally it sunk in for him. What was he doing? By sitting here and not moving he was leaving the person he loved the most to a fate he could not bare. He was leaving them to think the very thing he didn’t want them thinking and he’d be dammed if he would let them live like that anymore. He knew that he was going to have to learn a lot about the process of healing and how to help but if he didn't get up there might not be a person to do that for. He needed you to know just how unbelievably loved you were and so with a jump that scared Lucifer and Asmo though Satan still looked unimpressed Diavolo ran to your room followed by the others. This was complicated and messy and certainly scary but Diavolo knew with you guiding him how to help there would be no way they couldn't overcome this.

Boy is this a long fic anwhooooo hopefully will have the next part up soon. Again cant wait for finals to end but yeah here it is lovelies!!!!! I’ll also respond to some the comments and messages and all that after i give my final tomorrow but yeah hope you enjoy it and as always please like and reblog and request!!!!

(BTW: I am a new Army and wanted to talk to some army friends so please reach out!!!!! also give me some BTS fic requests and I can die happy hehehe)

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prurientpuddlejumper · 4 years ago

Text

Hopelessness of Wanting [Part 2]

<- Part 1 | Part 3 ->

Frederick Chilton x Reader

Continuation of an angsty dark fic request.

Warnings: suicidal thoughts/attempt (I made myself real sad with this one so be warned if you’re vulnerable to negative thinking), NSFW, smut (gender-neutral), unhealthy relationship, depression, neurodivergent reader. Melancholy rambling.

3,200 words

“Don’t worry about what Dr. Chilton thinks,” Nurse Clerval advised as soon as he was out of earshot. “He’s an asshole.”

“Yeah, but”—you tugged the hem of your scrubs—“He’s right. I keep messing up. I think he hates me.” You stopped there, too ashamed to admit you were the biggest fuck-up on the entire staff, new or not, or that you could tell Dr. Chilton regretted his decision to hire you.

“And the rest of us hate him. Just keep doing your job, learn the ropes—he’ll back off.”

You nodded silently and continued your rounds, delivering meds and checking in on patients. Amy had to be restrained again when she wouldn’t stop biting. Julianne seemed more confused lately, though you hadn’t known any of them long enough to tell what was normal.

Clerval’s words hung over you. It didn’t seem right that everyone hated Dr. Chilton. He was a little brusque, yes, but intelligent. Wickedly sarcastic. Posturing and puffing himself up whenever people he admired came to visit the hospital, and he wanted badly to impress them. Lonely.

Your cheeks heated at the thought of those intense bursts of green under his brow—the first thing you noticed when he conducted your interview. His eyes almost matched the light green scrubs you wore at the hospital you trained in, though the uniform here was white (as if leaning into the One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest vibe.)

But what drew you in wasn’t that his eyes were beautiful—though they were—it was the way they made contact with yours. Staring you down with fake confidence, as if he were forcing it. That stare must have been off-putting to most people, but it made your spirit leap with that particular spark of connection one only feels when finding a kindred spirit.

“Hey! Still sulking? Hurry it up,” Clerval called, jolting you to attention. You trotted after.

It was nice having a mentor on the staff, but at the same time, it just felt like having another person to eventually disappoint.

“Here! What’s next?” you beamed.

***

Dr. Chilton didn’t back off over the next few weeks as Nurse Clerval suggested. The more you thought you were getting the hang of routines at the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane, the more mistakes you seemed to make, and the harder its administrator came down on you. And the more the handsome, scarred Dr. Chilton hated you, the more nervous mistakes you made.

In nursing school, you aced everything technical. Every written test. Every memorized statistic, sterilization procedure, medication instruction, and anatomy diagram. But when it came to interacting with patients and families—being compassionate yet professional—nothing came naturally. As a child, you learned how to fake eye contact by staring at the bridge of someone’s nose. How to smile bright and encourage others so they don’t reject you. So they don’t see you as cold or weird. But sometimes, you felt like an alien just parroting human behavior.

The guy you had been dating when you started working at the BSHCI said something similar to you when he broke it off. That you were “unavailable” and never understood what he needed.

There was a reason your first choice job was at a hospital where the only patients were mentally ill murderers.

Dr. Frederick Chilton was the same way. Just better at hiding it, or braver about not caring when his mannerisms rubbed people the wrong way. He didn’t fall apart like you did. He was… incredible. As soon as you met him, you knew you wanted the job. His smile was forced but friendly that first day, and you went home dreaming about getting to know him better.

But as soon as you were hired, the friendliness went out of his eyes. On your very first day, you passed him in the hall and smiled. He frowned and informed you that you were five minutes late clocking in. Everything—every forgotten ID card and typo on a patient file—was proof to Dr. Chilton that you were incompetent.

Worthless.

He even pointed it out when you couldn’t stand up for yourself and let Nurse Clerval defend you.

Pathetic.

Why did you ever think someone like him might like you?

He wasn’t an asshole. The constant reprimanding and disciplinary write-ups were no more than you deserved. It just hurt coming from someone you admired and wished things could be different with.

God, you wished just once he would smile at you again. Tell you that you did a good job.

Your fist hovered over the dark mahogany of the carved doors to Dr. Chilton’s office, poised to knock. To tender your resignation. You hadn’t seen the extravagant interior of his office since your interview, but you could imagine him in there: laying back on the leather couch sipping a Scotch, surrounded by tall shelves of medical books and sculpted wall molding. The air filled with the library smell of old paper.

In your imagination, his cold green eyes would soften, and he would ask why you were leaving. Apologize for being so hard on you. The Chilton in your mind clasped your hand, and you both blushed, wondering if the gesture was merely a show of professional support, or if it held a deeper meaning. He clasped tighter instead of dropping your hand, knowing— understanding—the heat behind your gaze.

A dull thud came from inside the office, followed by footsteps and a muttering voice, muffled through the door. The footsteps started heading your way, and you walked briskly down the hall toward the exit, not looking back when a moment later, the mahogany doors creaked open.

Coward.

There was no point quitting, anyway. You would never find another hospital job as slow-paced, where you rarely had to speak with outsiders—only the regular long-term patient-inmates, and a small staff of orderlies, guards, nurses, and psychiatrists.

Sometimes you thought you should quit nursing altogether, but then what would you do? Flip burgers? You’d be bad at that, too. There was nothing you wouldn’t be a failure at.

A fog hovered over you, creeping its tendrils into every thought, turning every tiny setback into the end of the world, and making every success unimportant. Leaving BSHCI wouldn’t make it better. Nothing would make it better. You were the fuck-up. Anywhere you went, the problem would always be you.

Every smile you gave was forced, but you kept smiling as if everything was normal. So long as nobody could see you drowning, it wasn’t real. There was still hope that you could get your shit together, and no one would be the wiser that you were actually a disgusting piece of human trash. So long as you could smile like you were fine, you weren’t a complete failure.

But the more you pretended to be upbeat—pretended to be someone likable—the more you were certain your coworkers didn’t like you. They must have been sick of covering for you by now.

A week later, the nurse you were replacing grunted, “Finally,” as you sprinted through the door three minutes after your shift started. That one unremarkable interaction was the final proof of a theory you had been nursing for a long time:

Everyone’s lives would be easier without you.

That was the final conclusion, the final, creeping thought the suffocating fog wormed into your head. The crescendo of a distorted symphony that had been subtly building to this from the beginning.

You couldn’t force yourself to smile anymore.

***

You didn’t have authorized access to the medication supply room, but you swiped a key from Dr. Tenley’s office. For a secure facility, the doctors of the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane were lax about locking their own offices. She would notice it was missing by Monday morning, and there would be serious repercussions for stealing it, but you weren’t concerned. You wouldn’t be around to face them.

With the high-potency drugs available in a hospital and a working knowledge of pharmacology, ending a life could be quick and relatively painless.

The key clicked in the door. You glanced up and down the hallway to make sure no one was coming. But the coast was clear.

A halfhearted breath puffed from your nose. Part of you wanted to find it funny how easy this was, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to laugh.

You stealthily opened the windowless metal door, stepped inside, and shut and locked it behind you without making a sound. Once inside the small room, you let out a silent sigh of relief (or despair). Only a handful of people had a key, so you were unlikely to be interrupted, especially at night with only a skeleton staff on duty.

There were three rows of tall storage shelves crammed into the walk-in closet with clean tile in the few places wall was exposed. The whir of a climate-control system drowned out the pulse in your ears as you scanned for the drugs you were looking for.

You found them faster than expected. They could have at least been hidden. The universe could have put a few more obstacles in your path, but instead, the universe was giving you a big fat sign it wanted you dead.

You picked up the packaging. Turned it over in your hand.

Just a handful of these, and all the problems you cause would be over. No more reprimands. No more disappointing everyone you meet. No more wrenching in your gut every time Dr. Chilton looks at you with contempt when you long to see a smile. No more trying so hard every minute of every day.

It wasn’t like too many people would be sad you were gone anyway. Most of them will be relieved.

Your eyes stung.

Wasn’t someone going to walk in and stop you?

Your lip trembled. Why would anyone want to stop you?

Tears rolled down your face as the reality of your plan set in. Survival instinct kicked and clawed at the cloying fog of twisted logic that promised you would be helping everyone if you stopped existing, but it was losing the battle.

And then you heard someone call your name.

You sniffed and looked up. No… not someone calling your name. Moaning it. You crept to the last row of shelves at the back and gasped—Dr. Chilton had his laptop tucked onto a shelf and was watching a clip of security feed on loop. His red, glistening erection thick in his hand as he masturbated, whimpering your name over and over.

You watched silently—he was so engrossed he didn’t notice your shadow falling over the aisle. It was only when the package of drugs slipped from your hand and clattered on the floor that he jumped with a shriek, covering himself, though his massive erection was still conspicuous in his pants. His eyes bugged out at you, face red with embarrassment—but then they quickly narrowed to anger.

“What are you doing in here? You are not authorized to be in this room,” he barked.

All you could think about was what you heard—the name gasping from his lips. It overpowered every other thought. “Were you… imagining me?”

His nostrils flared. He hastily shut the laptop which was looping security footage of you outside his office door.

Then he laughed—forced and cruel. “What I imagine is not your concern. Do not read into it. I have never shown you special treatment, have I? Do you think that I could have feelings for an incompetent nurse?”

“I know that!” Your lip trembled again now that the briefest spark of hope you had was shattered. Of course he didn’t like you. He was just a pervert who jacked off to all the nurses. “Don’t you think I know that I’m worthless? You’ve made it abundantly clear.”

Fresh tears rolled down your cheeks, and Chilton’s eyes softened, as if for the first time realizing that all his attempts to hurt you had succeeded. You were hurt. And he did not enjoy it as much as he thought.

“You are not worthless,” he said quietly. Then his eyes flicked down to the floor, at the medication you dropped. He picked it up, read what it was. His expression fell. “What were you doing in here, nurse?” he swallowed.

“Nothing. I just… needed something for a patient.”

“Lie,” he said.

You looked away. Everything was numb. It barely even occurred to you that someone stopped you after all. A handsome, awkward, cruel doctor you admired was in the same room with you and had said his first kind words since the day you met.

He took a slow step toward you. Then another. His hand—slender and surprisingly large—pressed your arm in an attempt at a comforting gesture. An alien parroting human behavior.

“You are not worthless. I assure you, none of your mistakes have been grievous. You are certainly not the least competent of my staff. Far from it. So don’t…” He swallowed. “…Do not do anything rash.”

“Sure,” you scoffed. “Then why am I the one you’re always reprimanding? The one always being called to your office?” You knew what he thought of you; he was just trying to talk you down.

“That…” he began in a broken voice, “That must be painfully obvious now.”

Your eyes peeled away from the floor and found his face, and the storm of emotions flashing over it. Shame. Trepidation. A faint light of hope.

“You like me?” Your voice sounded far away. The analytical part of your brain was whirring away above the swamp of depression bogging you down with lies that nobody could like you. But it made sense. As the words spilled from your mouth, it was like a veil lifted.

Pulling pigtails. He was pulling your pigtails because he liked you. A middle-aged psychiatrist ought to have more emotional maturity handling a crush than a third-grader, but there was a reason he worked at a hospital where the only patients were mentally ill murderers. There was a reason his staff hated him. Why he was lonely, and why you desperately wanted to be the one to fill the empty space by his side.

Frederick Chilton was a lot like you.

You could understand each other and be less alone in this world, together.

***

His eyes were closed and he was muttering something self-flagellating and vaguely apologetic when the kinetic sense of you moving closer caused Frederick Chilton to look up.

No longer out at arm’s distance, you were within each other’s breathing space. And now, he was genuinely terrified—terrified you were going to return his feelings. Of the joy it might bring crashing down on him like an airplane. He read something he never expected to see in your body language, and it shook him deeper than being walked in on with his cock in his hands.

You should have reported him for ethics violations.

If you made the case to the hospital board that he created a hostile work environment because he wanted you sexually, he would lose his job and do everybody a favor.

But this—the intention in your body—this was the farthest thing from what he deserved. You confirmed his fear when your soft, perfect lips melded against his. Yet, as always when he knew a thing was wrong, he did not push you away. Did nothing to stop you. He let you deepen the kiss slowly, and you were warm, the taste of you sweeter than he imagined in all his lonely nights of fantasizing.

His cock twitched, your closeness awakening his urges again. He moaned as your lips parted, his lips parting with them, and your tongue gently probed inside. You were tentative at first, investigating only the nearest reaches of his inner lips, and then his hand spasmed on your arm, and with a low growl, he pulled your closer—then you became ravenous. All the turbulent emotions churning within you broke free in that kiss. You sobbed into his mouth, your tongue, hot and fervent, explored and assaulted the depths of him, your hands weaving into the hair behind his neck, and he could taste your salt. It was all his tongue could do to keep up—to let himself be consumed.

Dear god, if only that passion would have ended him then and there. The moment your lips met his in an unexpected act of reciprocation was the fulfillment of every want, every tattered and twisted hope—the highest delight a man such as him could achieve. And he knew—rightly so—that all that could follow was suffering of his own design.

Dear god, let me die before I see this in ruins. Let me die with my happiness.

***

The sex wasn’t all that good. But then again, you had gone into that supply closet intending to never come out, so overall, being fucked by the man you had been pining for was a positive turn of events.

It wasn’t how you’d imagined your first time with Dr. Chilton, pressed against a cold tile wall. A hungry kiss led to his clothed erection pushing against your thigh, led to you unbuckling his belt.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” he whispered hoarsely, nervous eyes darkened with lust—and you nodded, sliding down your scrub pants, which stuck on your sneakers, hobbling your ankles. He was in too much of a rush to let you take them off—he only opened up his slacks and pulled his cock out of the fly of his briefs. And then he was thrusting into you from behind—frantic, desperate. Your ankles being bound only added to the thrill of him being in control. Dr. Chilton wanted you after all—fantasized about you—and now he was taking you, and all you had to do was surrender to his desire.

His breathy moans rose with each snap of his hips, his hands traveling up your chest under your shirt, fingers curling around your neck, possessing you. Touching every inch of skin he could get his hands on. And that noise that saved your life, your name on his lips, he chanted in your ear.

He was fast—hips racing as if this were his only chance, and if he waited, you would disappear—and he finished fast. You didn’t spend long with your face pressed to the cold tile when his moans broke into a shattered scream, and his head slumped, sweaty, against your back.

Then he turned you around to face him and got on his knees. Heedless of his own mess that he’d left sticky and bitter inside you, he pumped his fingers into you and sucked like he was fulfilling a duty. Clinical about the task, and efficient. It didn’t take him long to bring your arousal to a climax in his mouth.

After, he was quiet. When you had cleaned up, he looked at you like you were a mistake… only you weren’t certain what kind of mistake. If you reached out to reassure him, would he jerk away and tell you to never speak of this again?

“Was it… all you expected?” you asked robotically. Your arm crossed your body, hugging yourself.

And then he kissed you again, softly. He ran his fingers over your hair and pulled back just far enough to study your face. His eyes were wet, clouded with a million thoughts and regrets you would only learn about later.

“You are perfect,” he whispered.

• ● • ━━━━━─ ••●•• ─━━━━━ • ● •

Since I went some places this chapter... Please don’t bottle up your feelings if they’re telling you horrible things about yourself. They aren’t true, I promise. You matter. ❤️

Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Online chat: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/

Help via Text: https://www.crisistextline.org/ (Text HOME to 741741)

List of additional resources: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/suicide-resource-guide

Tags:

@beccabarba / @itsjustmyfantasyroom / @thatesqcrush / @dianilaws / @permanentlydizzy / @mrsrafaelbarba / @madamsnape921 / @astrangegirlsmind / @neely1177 / @onerestein / @dreamlover31 / @stormtrooperofficerbrowneyes / @barbasimp / @storiesofsvu / @welcometothemxdhouse / @feedthemadness-sweetie / @law-nerd105 / @amelia-song-pond / @michael-rooker / @xecq

#frederick chilton #Frederick Chilton x reader #dark fic #angst #This was supposed to be a oneshot! *sobbing* A oneshot!!!#my writing

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