#ill prolly get the energy for it sometime but rn i am ill and in college

[unwri-ten]

guy,,s,, maybe I'm not strong enouf,,, (can't draw the super angst lore in my head must draw kissy kissy fluff)

[smolbeanecho]

just adding on to this, i think that i am just tired of being someone. i enjoy being social with ppl i like but sometimes i just want to shut up and sleep and still have companionship. which i realize now is a tall order, esp since the times when i feel this urge the strongest is at lunch, when everyone is full of energy and all bundled together. idk, i want to still feel validated as a person even when i am not trying to be funny.

unfortunately, it seems like my coping mechanism for this is mobile games and andrew (for now) so not v healthy of me. whenever i feel like that my thoughts usually go to andrew first, who is basically just a place holder at this rate, i feel bad but i think jts the truth, and i can’t talk abt him either because i have nothing to talk abt and its not something that ppl are allowed to say out loud, so then i turn to my mobile games :(

this only reinforces my feelings as an uninteresting dull vapid selfish person and i feel like shit. i wonder if these obsessions r like mental illness caused or if i’m just normal. don’t think i have adhd or autism. google says i’m mildly depressed but most teenagers r anyways. but i feel if i told this to anyone i’d get flamed to high heavens. or they just wouldn’t know how to respond. both bad and avoidable situations

i guess what i want isnt to reflect and fix myself like a normal person would, but i’d rather have someone just be ok with the more horrible side of bc b me. the desperate sad part with not much to say, acknowledge it and still love me. impossible, i know, but that seems like the root of these daydreams. i’d like to know that if you peel away the louder side of me, there is still something worth loving, even if it’s nothing. that there is something fundamental within me that makes me unique and can never be stripped away from me even when all else

also i don’t think i’m number one jn anyone’s life rn and that makes me sad. i like attention. ah there’s the unhealthy part, i’m too dependent on others approval to be happy. if i had no friends i probably would be in the throes of extreme pain, but being number 2 3 4 5 etc is better than nothing. as long as there’s a place in your heart for me, i’ll be fine. that was my discord status once. haha i used to have to fit my rants and vents into one sentence

i wonder what’s gonna happen if i moved out alone into the forest, maybe i’d kill myself and let my cat eat me. i don’t think i could survive alone, but also the most alone i’ve ever been was in atlanta, and i was extremely happy to be living without my family. so maybe i’d be happy to be alone, i’d miss my friends tho. i know if i was more open with them they’d prolly try to understand, and would support me. i like it best when chloe randomly holds my hand or when alex hugs me or when brielle pats me on the cheek. i lost my original point, and thinking about them made me happy now, so i’ll go study for physics

i daydream so many things that would be. absolutely horrendous. irl

[nahoyaglock]

Frobi selfship headcannons

!!sfw!!

shigabi, tenfro, fronaka, frobishima, inuobi, frokuto, aobi, frotani, fromi, ushibi, frobinoya, katsubi hcs

a/n: sorry for these long ass headcanons, i hope yall enjoy them tho?? also sorry for the reoccurring mention of my terrible paranoia </3 im going through a hard time w it rn, pls excuse me

reblogs on selfship posts are super appreciated!

shigabi

video games

i am his baby! he has a soft spot for me :3

lets me sit in his lap while he plays video games

hc that shigaraki is a twitch streamer instead of a villain and he streams with me on his lap

messy hair, black headset, pajama pants and a black hoodie vs pink tank top, white skirt, pink bows and a fuzzy blanket

we own cats named wario and waluigi >:3

we play ow and animal crossing together

he plays shooters and horror games while i play otome games and rhythm games

watching happy feet and cuddling, lets me lay between his legs as he plays with my hair

calls me brat and baby

cooks me seafood

some days i want him to baby me, other days we go run around at 4am

teases me bc of my height, leanes down to give me kisses

randomly tugs on my hair and pretends he didnt do it throught the day

i kick his ugly ass ankles /j

tenfro

baking, cuddling, horror movies and videos games 24/7

both bullied so we confine in each other and comfrt the other well

hes very caring so he always checks in, even when i seem fine

notices my mood changes

"do you need a hug?" and just hugs me bc he knows i do

he likes to rest his head on my chest when he rants to me

booping noses and interlocked hands ♡

ushijima gives us rides everywhere

their manager, so i have to make sure tendou does well

the other team members are happy im dating tendou, especially ushijima

sitting with tendou on the bus to their matches

kisses and hugs after every match and practice match

lets me wear his jersey bc he hates when other guys look at me

one time terushima tried to flirt w me and he made ushi scare him away

fronaka

hand on ass always.

tries to fight any guy that even comes near me

me, ryu and noya, the trio !

walks me to class with his arm around my waist

basically bestfriends to lovers so we spemd all our time together like we did before we were dating

still a slight kiyoko simp but lmao so am i, we admire her beauty together

brags to the team about me, telling them random things about me

"frobis favorite food are clams!" crosses gis arms proudly

"ryuu, you dumbass" insert me slapping the back of his bald head

saeko teasing him and telling him to treat me well

says "hey bae" and probably uses the devil emoji ajxjzjx

plays with my hair, he loves my curls :D

we prolly have a dog, small dog bc ooi dogs scary,, D:

frobishima

always has an arm around me

denki bestie af !

also one that i can relate to so we can share our experiences and comfort each other

top kin so we get along very well and have alot of the same interests

movie nights w/ the bakusquad

cuddling kiri the whole time and making the rest of them feel single

he likes to pinch my shoulder to get my attention

big smiles and playful biting :D

he probably has alot of my clothes left at his house bc i like wearing his shirts

insert kiri cooking while i back hug him <3

likes to princess carry me, and carries me when im sleepy

thigh kisses bc he loves them alot <3

best an comforting, sings me to sleepy and helps me when i have really bad paranoia </3

true loml

inuobi

walk to school together everyday

sometimes we race

brings me a breakfast bar, sometimes his mom makes me a morning snack too

little pecks and hand holding

we're like two energetic puppies in a relationship

i always attend his games and cheer for him and the boys

insert kuroo, tora, kenma, and kai acting like my dads

me and inu doing puppy eyes for little spoon, he usually gives in and takes big spoon

lots compliments and blushing

"inu, y-you look cute today"

"frobi, you look s-stunning"

comfort buddies!

convinces the coach to let me ride on the bus with them to tournaments

sleppys babies on the back of the bus

members have pictures of us sleeping

sharing a blanket that kai gave to us bc the bus was cold and sharing a scarf that inuoka bought me for winter

frokuto

if hes sad, im sad :( if im sad, hes sad :(((

my energy beam, my number one, my ace 🥺

he loves to hold my small hands in his big ones, rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb

he'd walk around at tournaments, big star bo with his tiny cute girlfriend

saru, komi, and konoha give me headpats

bo pouts because they didnt guve him head pats

many pats for the ace!! :D

during lunch i hang w him and akaashi, akaashi having to deal w me and bos shenanigans

lowkey, we probably bring him stress

me and bo go on night time adventures, he drives us <3

brings home ramen after a long day of practice

when hes sad he cries into my chest and i play with his hair

"its okay bo, your still my ace" kisses and more kisses and more kisses

he loves to hold my thumbs and kiss my wrists

always looks for me when he has a match, sees me cheering the loudest for him <3

hes my baby, he'll smiles at me and ill cry

aobi

listener

he lets me talk about my interests and day, i let him talk about his

loves to be supportive, my shoulder to lean on

we take public transportation after school to get to our house

he lets me lean against him and sleep, tired from a long day, he'll wrap his large arm around me

he opened up after a while and smiles more, sometimes he'll lightly giggle, one time i made him laugh for 5 whole mins

hes so golden in my eyes, lake dates, he likes to just walk with me

treats me to food whenever we go out

i help him be more open and push him to be himself, but i respect his boundaries !!!

if he feels uncomfortable he'll poke my back gently

i take him away from the uncomfortable situation and ask what was wrong so that it doesnt happen again

people ask why im dating him bc hes "scary"

my response is a punch to the face

jkjk, its none of their business why, but its bc hes very sweet and kind hearted, who couldn't love an angel like my nobu? :]

frotani

complicated hc?? i have like two ways it could go, my top is def still me being a shiratorizawa girl bc lmao canon !!

met him through levy, (@bigger-simp-than-kazuichi) aoba johsais manager

she introduced me to her besyies, kyo and yahaba

"hey, you're the one they call mad dog?" he hates that now but responds with "yes, im mad dog."

levy invites me to alot of their events if im not busy, lowkey oikawa is salty bc im shiratorizawas manager

kyotani stays at my side, we talk about our days and his live for volleyball

we exchange numbers and he messages me at night, we have hour long conversations till one of us falls asleep

late night calls, he just grumbles and scoffs at anything i say and he just waits for me to sleep before hanging up

confesses to me at a match infront of my team, i just kissed him in response

he visits me whenever he can, and brings me food and gifts

imagine aoba johsai vs shiratorizawa, rip kyo lmao ushi get his ass /j

kyotani likes to hold mt hands and wrap my in his jacket and scarf

barks at anyone who bothers me, loves when i sit on his lap btw

fromi

komi will pick me up over his shoulder and drag me to the room when he wants cuddles

loves horror movies, horror movie marathons any time of the year

he likes and kiss my jaw and hold my thumbs

calls me short when he's not that much taller than me

we curse at each other every 5 minutes

insert sarukui climbing through our windows atleast once a month to have a movie marathon with us

komi likes to slap my head

we probably play fight all the time, definently turns into something more intense

akaashi and konoha break us up and me and komi will be confused

"whats wrong? We were just playing"

"yall were strangling each other"

"we're fineee~"

chaotic, we always look like were fighting or arguing

"fuck you, i hate you" "fuck you too bitch"

holds hands and deep kisses the next second

akaashi lowkey hates dealing with us, bokuto loves us skxj

ushibi

shira and hayato convinced me to join at their manager

the original shiratorizawa manager, ceo of the company 😎

they introduced me to the team, and they took a liking to me

ushijima was by my side alot, helped me with my job and carrying thing especially

he was so kind and even spoke to me, asked if i ate, if i slept well, if i needed anything

didn't realize it was different from what he normally was like until tendou asked about it

one time ushi was walking me home and i asked him about it, but he was definently confused

"i, guess so. your attractive and have a good personality. i would date you."

hes so blunt, awkwardly blunt

so we,, started dating, and now he really never leaves my side

i got haterz bc im THE ushiwakas bby girl 🙈

gives me headpats and kisses before everymatch

lets me wear his team jacket, huge on my small figure

he enjoys our height difference, he thinks i look cute when i look up at him :3

teaches me how to play volleyball, even smiles when i land a good serve

patches me up whenever i get hurt, slight frown if i ever fall

hes,, kinda fatherly? a person w no dad calling someone fatherly sjcjxj lmao 🙈🙈

nurturing and caring, ushi i will kiss you, probably calls me by my full name, fro, manager, baby, and sometimes even brat

frobinoya

hes woke, i just know it

all the characters prolly woke but hes woke asf!!

we run around, literally our whole relationship is mainly just running around and being wild

arcade hangouts after school/practice

he loves arcade games so much, and so do i

we take off guard pictures of each other, also chaotic and blurry pictures

he'll kick me in the butt, que me chasing him till i run out of breath

he likes to support my interests, loves to watch me practice dancing

we wear cat ears and maid outfits and take pictures in his room at like 5am when the sun rises

videos of us kissing and cuddling in his gallery

posts on insta to make ryuu jealous

buys me cute skirts bc he knows i love to look pretty for him !!

im his pretty kitty ♡♡

likes to call me his girly~ and his serotonin

holds my hand whenever im feeling sad and strokes my cheek with his thumb

lowkey has a good voice, sings heather to me while he nuzzles his nose into my jaw

katsubi

random kisses throughout the day

pinky holding bc he likes my small hands

leans over me when he wants a kiss

gets teased by the squad and just endures it bc he likes the way i giggle when they do

head pats ! lots :3

likes to show off infront of class 1-b by holding me close and kissing me

brings me lunches he cooked and likes to feed me

always finds an excuse to be on my team for training or being my training buddy

barks at anyone who tries to train with me /j

walking me to school and home, even brings me over

mitsuki loves it whenever i come over and makes cookies when i do

katsuki helps her make the cookies D: so precious

never kisses infront of his parents bc he doesnt want to deal with their teasing and nagging

sings ballads, will sing me to sleep, probably listens to rap and rnb, some rock, but will sing me some khalid since he knows i love him

probably sung me "can i be him" one night when my paranoia got bad <//3

i laid on his chest and he ran his fingertips up and down my back, singing softly to me until i fell asleep

forehead kiss before he drifted to sleep as well, katsuuuu :( <3

@kekozume @nekosvno

[nycki6310]

I lost everything. My kids, ex- my husband (not due to drugs, he cheated), my home, my life, everything was taken out of my home when I messed up, including my belongings. My grandpa had people come in and take all of my belongings because I didn't have anywhere to put them. Thousands of dollars in belongings gone. What belongings I had made arrangements for to get back my ex husband took and promised he'd return, well he's now not in any shape to even be talked to. So those are gone now too.

Almost 3 years later, I've built ALMOST all that back up. I have struggled every single day, I have hated myself into being physically sick. I have felt so much emotional pain I can't move. If it hadn't been for Brandi Hazelwood Danielle Dixon and Adam Harry Allison Odell Phillip O'dell and Courtney. This girl would be dead. I've done all the drugs in the world, meth, benzo's, opiates, bullshit... None of them are as dangerous as I am to myself. Some people need to be on their own. Some people do not. So this has been on my mind so much lately.

To the ones who abandoned me, showed me your true colors, you did do me a favor. Because I whole Heartdly believe you helped to keep me sick, never wanted better for me, never cared, and want to see me fail. I Truly believe that.

I have turned my life completely around and all I've ever wanted was approval that I'm not garbage (bpd is s killer.) I needed to be reassured I can be forgiven for all my faults and accepted. There was so many times I held a knife to my wrist because even though I knew I was doing good, I had ppl making sure they let me know it wasn't good enough. It wasn't fast enough. It wasn't the way they wanted me to do it. That kept me sick because I felt I was failing and I'd give up.

Well now that Adam and I are together. We have our problems. But this man has taught me the most valuable lessons and has loved me in the way I needed. Yes we have problems. But if you have a partner that tries to teach you boundaries bc they see you don't deserve what you've you're given. You're loved and lucky.

Sometimes you get beat down so far that you stay there, and you no longer feel you deserve better or can do better. Hell, when instead of anyone trying to get you help or compassion. And they write you off and treat you however it feels to serve them best...Yeah, a person can give up and start believing it. I was unable to know my own worth to see they were wrong.. I'm glad I got this back.

Now fast forward to being the best me.. still not good enough for some people, clean from drugs still isn't good enough, and apparently I can never be forgiven for my past mistakes or get an apology for the things I need. I NO LONGER need it. This is a pivotal journey in my life rn and I will succeed. The only validation I need is my own. You know you've left people behind and outgrown them when you no longer care what they think. Cause to some you'll never be enough.

My best is good enough, I am enough, my past does not define me, and a big fuck you to those offended by this post, cuz yeah it's prolly about you.

Allison, you are the most important person in this journey. You've seen mom win, you've seen mom fail and you still love me. I try my hardest to prove my love and to make up for what I've put you through and you're still here. You're so brave for sticking this journey out with me bc you didn't have to. You were old enough to choose to put me out of your life and treat me bad. You didn't. Your love and compassion for my disease and mental illness helps keep me going. If this post proves nothing to you Allison Odell , let it prove that other people's actions and what they do to you doesn't define you. It's on them. I hope you always have the right mind to know this. I love you.

And Brandi, omg, you are everything to me. You've put up with so much shit, expended so much energy, thank you. You're love and you're confidence in me kept me going when I didn't have any. You refusing to see the bad in me helped.. you telling me I'm better than this. That helped. You never abandoned me. I love you and our bond is that of the stars. I promise no one else will ever love you the way I do and you do me. ❤️ Thank you homie.. we've both come so far in life with different journeys but we've always done it together!

There's so much more I'd like to write.. I don't usually get personal but this was therapeutic and I needed it. Maybe next session. I'm no longer filtering what I post for anyone. Because it for me. 😍

[perfectionistincrisis]

Day 77

Two sevens wth

I totally love shopping. ~L.O.V.E.~ its really temporary though. Like i can be totally over it even before i reach home but but that moment when i get something i really want. Its just realllllllyy *some amazing/ priceless sorta word*

I keep thinking of him all the time. The thought of us together married, and i keep picturing moments, conversations like he is right infront of me.

Oh ive always wanted a bunch of things. Like i want there to be someone with whom id travel the world, try out all the food, whod take candid (& also non-candid) pics of me lol & we’d go shopping together esp for our house *-* & go out to run early in the morning (ok this ones hard!!!!) & um well tbh the list goes on duh but then the difference is whatever i havent written is something i need to sit & think and it would come up eventually, duh it will no doubt. But whatever i just mentioned above ^ ^ ^ ^ These are stuck in my head -literally-stuck- 25 7 all day everyday! Im not even exaggerating trust me! And that someones him ofcourse but the thing is i dont thing i ever talked about all these much with him. So yeah we never had that concersation i think. So in my head i kinda process it as things i want but he is not that aware of. Cause like i never really reallyexpressed how much i want it to him. Also im not reallyreally expressing it here either. Id sound way more excited then lol. But i will one day inshaAllah

So idk my mind fluctuates a lot. I decided few days earlier that id post occasionally only. But idk today out of the blue i just started to think maybe ill post daily. The randomest of thoughts that goes through my head. Whatever it is that passes my head when i come to tumblr. Ill just write a thing or two. Point is. Ill just post something regardless of what it is & itll just be random & ofcourse nothinggg id just wish i couldve told him. (Although id still wish the same!!!)

Im really tired rn idk why. I mean do you get tired from walking in a mall? Bleh. I guess ill go to sleep now. But then. I hope i can fall asleep. I usually cant sleep till after fajr and so i go to bed after fajr itself but whenever i try sleeping earlier i usually fail. Plus idk i dont even feel like getting up during the day. For many reasons. One is im too stuck thinking about him i just dont feel like getting up. Another. Idk what to do. Like ok suppose i do get up now. And then what? Huh? Nothing right? Ok great, go back to sleep honey!!!

Oh also im a tiny bit scared or more like worried. Or idk. I mean. The only concept i allow in my head is the energy output > energy input for losing weight. So i get on the treadmill & hardly eat. Ok i do sometimes eat good food but thats just one coarse of the day and then the next few days i balance it by hardly eating. Point is. I am kinda loaing weight. -ONLY on scales- i mean visually idk wth is happening i look the same to me but the thing is i am surviving now although its still hard. But the thing is i cant be eating so less forever. And also working out well i kinda workout 3 hrs a day when i do. Like yesterday for eg. And today idk. I guess ill delay it to tomorrow morning cause im tired. But then itll be 3 hrs mostttt prolly. So point is i cant always walk for 3 hrs. Plus i take breaks in between. Not much though. I only take break after 30mins straight or 60mins straight. But either ways. 3 hrs workout takes 5hrs. And this shit is only working now cause its vacation and i have nothing else to do. So yeah idk.

Ok the end. Bye.

^.^

[voidwizerd-archive]

BONDING EXPERIENCES?? ==>

[[ logs with @carnivalsorphans​, our muses keep bonding in very confusing ways, what the fuck are these two ]]

voidwizerd okay first off please dont bring this up w Kankri bc th last thing i can handle rn is anythin resemblin a moral talk im too pissed

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd do you ever like get a super specific urge to just beat a body senseless does this happen to you

carnivalsorphans often enough that the thought some people don't kinda baffles

voidwizerd i cant get at who i wanna get at theyre all universes away n maybe DEAD which sure would be fuckin convenient fr them huh i just

carnivalsorphans hahaha yeah fuckin relatable

voidwizerd wanna find some shitty person n whale on em until theyre only sorta recognizable

carnivalsorphans hmmm

voidwizerd teeth aint that necessary anyhow ugh

carnivalsorphans hahahaha do you actually want me ta find ya someone shitty ta fuck up or we just talkin hypotheticals and feelings?

voidwizerd i honestly dont even know i just wanted to confirm someone else experiences this too

voidwizerd i figured if anyone does itd be you

carnivalsorphans aight, just feelings yeah, you bet sib a lot. and it's hard. just kinda.... keepin that real tight inside it winds ya up a bit warps you and makes ya feel all weird til ya can do somethin ta make it stop i used ta bleed myself and then paint with it, but wicked said that's bad, so i'm tryinna figure somethin else out

carnivalsorphans i felt that way bout anyone i actually give a fuck about, where any time they talk on their old shit it just makes me tense up and start this fuckin rumble

carnivalsorphans usually stop it afore it gets loud though kankri says he don't feel that way at all, but i bet there's somethin that'd wind him up that bad somethin for everyone that just makes em wanna beat someone bloody

voidwizerd yeah it just its like wrappin your insides up tighter n tighter n tighter n it feels like itll rip n spill everythin out

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd so fuck, if its gonna tear eventually why not choose myself how that happens???

carnivalsorphans yeah and i'd think at least no one was gettin hurt but me and i like pain anyhow

carnivalsorphans and it spills out nice and slow and i get somethin pretty at the end of it but ... ya gotta pick ya poison, sometimes

voidwizerd i guess i did that last one kinda fr different reasons n a bit more extreme but ha ha ........i fuckin hate copin

carnivalsorphans yeah, it's hard i got a lot ta cope with

carnivalsorphans used ta think i was better than addiction, but i ... dunno. feel like an addict sometimes. wicked says i might be one, even. instead of the bottom of a bottle, i just got my claws

voidwizerd just bout anythin can be addicted to i used to run until my body gave out only way my mind would go quiet i miss th quiet

carnivalsorphans .... yeah

voidwizerd but Kankri would worry

carnivalsorphans fuck havin connections ta people hahaha

voidwizerd right its terrible but also i wouldnt know what happy is like either

carnivalsorphans .... yeah

voidwizerd th loneliness was killin me ha like literally lmaooooo

carnivalsorphans yeah i can feel that

voidwizerd well no okay technically i was doin that my own damn self

carnivalsorphans you wouldn't think, surrounded by church who loves me

carnivalsorphans but ya know. lonely at the top

voidwizerd fuckin pussy i was broke in less than two sweeps. whoop whoop yeah yeah i bet lonely is terrible, fuck that shit

carnivalsorphans used ta be worse but used ta be, i didn't care .... way way fuckin back when saw people bein all close to eachother and it seemed like a waste a fuckin time and energy and like they was a bit away from stabbin eachother in the back

carnivalsorphans .... fuckin ignorance was bliss

voidwizerd ha wouldnt it be so much easier just to not

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd not need that not fuckin CLING to affection like a goddamn lifeline bc its either that n bein treated like garbage or bein treated like nothin at all

carnivalsorphans yeah, fuck that

voidwizerd hurt or isolation take your pick trick question they both hurt and they both make you feel isolated

carnivalsorphans yeah hahahahaha

carnivalsorphans rather have real hurt though. makes shit hard ta focus on .... sometimes, at least

voidwizerd mmn

carnivalsorphans > Try not to think of Artemi. > Try /really hard/

voidwizerd do i like pain fr kinky reasons or do i like it bc i just want someone to beat me to shit

carnivalsorphans hahahahaha

voidwizerd these are th questions

carnivalsorphans just assume it's a little a both

carnivalsorphans nothin's ever so black and white sometimes a lil more of one, sometimes a lil more of another

voidwizerd fuckin

carnivalsorphans and sometimes it fades away so much ya almost forget it's there

voidwizerd hate that shit

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd wish it could be simple shouldnt knowin yourself be simple but nah

carnivalsorphans hahahahaha

voidwizerd other ppl know me better than me

carnivalsorphans depends on how fuckin much you want to know

voidwizerd aint that just th fuckin way

carnivalsorphans i've tried real hard not ta let anyone know me fuckin hate bein /known/ bein... able ta pin down predict

voidwizerd sure is a thing its scary

voidwizerd scarier than anythin

carnivalsorphans .... yeah and not just cuz i'm scared for my church not just cuz i'm scared a how people will take it just... 's

voidwizerd if i didnt trust Kankri so much id prolly just. go outta my fuckin mind of terror. ha

carnivalsorphans yeah every time me and wicked have a real talk, i get a bit.... tense. all tensed up for him ta fuckin recoil or use shit against me or probably ain't the best way ta feel with ya rail, but

voidwizerd no i i get that fuck dude i literally couldnt tell you how often Jane n Dirk did that to me but my stupid ass kept confidin in em anyway

carnivalsorphans hahaha i never risked it sometimes i'd tell shit to people i was

voidwizerd only reason i didnt confide w Jake at all was cause he never paid attention to anythin that wasnt bout him

carnivalsorphans hurtin. i ain't ever had enough trust in fuckers to do that sorta shit too often

voidwizerd shit dude if ur only confidantes are th ppl ur torturin you just might need to get out more

carnivalsorphans hahahahaha yeah

carnivalsorphans i kinda went a bit nuts after i fell got better though

voidwizerd good on you shoulder pat for success

carnivalsorphans there's a lotta things i miss bout that time. probably more than i should. one more addiction ta add onto the pile

voidwizerd ha careful dude dont wanna be breakin records here

carnivalsorphans hahahaha i've lived a long time, i set all the records

voidwizerd my point is to get better rather than worse knucklehead though ha tbh this is one of those lights i doubt thats really a possible thing

carnivalsorphans hahaha how bout we just try for not gettin worse tolight? wanna come over? for the sake a not bein alone

voidwizerd i .....yeah thanks

carnivalsorphans fuck knows i ain't gonna be good for bein alone tonight neither. .... but i don't really wanna worry wicked over me bein all whatever i am right now

voidwizerd "whatever" is a good word fr feelins tonight "whatever" with a side of "sad n violent"

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd apparently not a regular or good thing to feel .. is it bad fr me to be so relieved you get this way too

carnivalsorphans naw 's normal ta feel relieved that ya ain't alone in ya experiences

carnivalsorphans fuck, that's sorta why i hang around sugary and vel and wicked

voidwizerd oh huh i guess i like. well i didnt even know i was angry until well

carnivalsorphans until you was burnin

voidwizerd yeah

carnivalsorphans i think vel sorta gets like that

voidwizerd i guess i been mad a long time but

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd long as i ignored it things never happened

carnivalsorphans people tend ta forget angry is somethin they is allowed ta be

voidwizerd until that naggin suspicion got confirmed, that i was treated no better than shit on someones heel, n i just welp there goes th neighborhood

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd anger is its big

carnivalsorphans anger is born out of sorrow a lot sorrow at fuckin... lack at bein wronged

voidwizerd .....yeah

carnivalsorphans at missed opportunities and bein taken advantage of

voidwizerd at at knowin i did nothin to get hurt n did *everythin* to win approval thats just

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd seventeen goddamn years of waste right there

carnivalsorphans yeah sweeps of lack of what ya deserved

voidwizerd i didnt deserve that

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd *they* deserved my goddamn fists i wish id fought back

carnivalsorphans it's aight to be angry bout that shit. people always say it's aight to mourn, but sometimes mournin involves gettin fuckin pissed

voidwizerd i wish id listened to my instincts

carnivalsorphans you did what ya knew ta do and that's... somethin

carnivalsorphans may not always feel good

voidwizerd i loved em too much was th problem id let anythin slide cause they was my whole world

carnivalsorphans ain't nothin wrong with lovin maybe a bit wrong with bein blinded by it, but there ain't nothin to be done about that except learn from it

voidwizerd yeah took

carnivalsorphans and fuckin... bein tempered hurts, but it does make ya stronger

voidwizerd fuckin 21 years but i learned

carnivalsorphans .... cmere?

voidwizerd yeah

voidwizerd yeah ill be there

carnivalsorphans > Probably help to send coords. > And then time to snug a friend

voidwizerd > Friend will cry and rant a lot but appreciate much. > Mostly cry.

carnivalsorphans > Pet the friend. Kiss their head and wipe away tears sometimes and comfort and offer inappropriate jokes when tears seem to be letting up.

voidwizerd > Jokes get a smile and then even more crying because what the fuck is an appropriate response to people caring about them.

carnivalsorphans > More kisses because how do you deal with people crying Normally anyway?

voidwizerd > Kisses back a little because that seems to help and not kissing back was starting to feel Weird.

carnivalsorphans > Prr? Wipe away tears, focus more on wiz than your own shit.

voidwizerd > Pr... Still feeling terrible, and thinking about bad gunk, but at least not alone. And good to be with someone who kinda gets it. "We're sorta fucked up huh."

carnivalsorphans "Yeah. But we make it work."

voidwizerd "Fuck dude we sure do. By the skin of our fuckin teeth but we're doin it."

carnivalsorphans "I think we're doin better than some people."

voidwizerd "That's optimistic." > Weak laugh.

carnivalsorphans "Naw, we ain't still stuck in our old shit. I think that's better off. Some people never get that far."

voidwizerd "...That's true." > Snuggle up more after decaptchaing more blankets. Feeling more vulnerable to Ringleader's chilliness.

carnivalsorphans > Oh, good. A layer between you and the warmth. ... Give the bundled wiz a squish. "There's somethin to be said for bein proud of how far we've come, at least. Even if we ain't where we wanna be yet." > .... Where does he want to be though?

voidwizerd "Where we even tryin to get to, though?" > Squish is good. Quiet purr.

carnivalsorphans > A snort. "Ya know, I was thinkin the exact same thing." > Loud purring.

voidwizerd "Don't that just figure. Tolight we're real fulla questions that don't got proper answers, huh."

carnivalsorphans "I dunno that we gotta know where we're goin ta be glad we're not where we were."

voidwizerd > Now you snort. "That's some deep shit."

carnivalsorphans "That's me. Deep as fuck. ya know my real secret now.

voidwizerd "I'm honored!" > Quiet laugh. Moody staring at nothing for a while. "Think I'm done cryin now. Got that hollow sense settlin in nice an blegh.”

carnivalsorphans “Yeah, fuck that. I only appreciate that shit when i’m needin to think after bein pissed. And even then, it ain’t the same as true calm.”

voidwizerd "Mmh. Better than feelin I'm about to like... break into a million billion pieces. Like takin a sledgehammer to a window. Ha." > Blink slow. Slower. You're not moving so much.

carnivalsorphans > Squish. You ain't their rail, it's not your responsibility to make sure they're all... In tact. .... But still, you're a bit concerned. A tiny bit. "Anythin I can be doin ta help?"

voidwizerd "'unno. Feelin's gone for now." > Whoops, that there is a yawn. You rub your face, trying to stay awake. "What about you?"

carnivalsorphans "Feel.... Warm." Soft purring. "Probably about time ta pass out."

voidwizerd "Mmh." Sprawl out a bit. "Thanks for bein my comrade in shittiness."

carnivalsorphans "Misery demands company and all that. Plus i like hangin around you."

voidwizerd "Gay."

carnivalsorphans "Yeah." Forehead kiss.

voidwizerd > Mumble a barely comprehensible "suuuuper gay" before nodding off. > RL's a good friend.

carnivalsorphans > Pet Wiz a little longer before going to sleep yourself.

[t-shrt]

100 q tag

no one wud read it but ima do it anyways cos fun tag by @dubblebubble

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more cereal than milk cos i love tht crunchy crunch

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? LOVE

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? receipts, pen lol

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? coffee=basic latte/hot tea, no sugar

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? sometimes, not too often tho

6: do you keep plants? no but i want to but ill be terrible at it so no

7: do you name your plants?

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? digital art

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? yes very it keeps me sane

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? side/back, back esp nowadays

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? lots lol

12: what’s your favorite planet? earth? hahahah it used to be jupiter cos i loved sailor jupiter as a child

13: what’s something that made you smile today? friend + nct + fics

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? two separate bedrooms, a balcony, good amount of plants, separate fridge for alcohol, sizeable kitchen

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! it rains diamonds in jupiter and saturn $$$$

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? bolognese hahahaha im boring

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? i just dyed my hair a darker ash brown n i quite like it ive been light for awhile

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. one came 2 mind cos we both recently talked ab it, a longtime close friend of mine n i used to have the biggest fight where he threw me a pair of scissors n i threw him a basketball in retaliation lmfaooo it still became a running joke more than a decade later...

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? not really...prolly shud

20: what’s your favorite eye color? i actually like brown hahah, maybe a slightly lighter shade of brown

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. it was a gift from my parents, a simple small messenger bag with a lot of slots, brought it with me literally everywhere, during my hookups, my night outs, been stained with questionable things (its been cleaned lol!).... almost lost it in a club only to be found by a friend... it has foundation stains tho lol

22: are you a morning person? n o

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? sleep, listen to music, watch stuff, not reply to messages

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? no

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? nothing rly comes to mind but im p sure ive been somewhere like tht lol

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? LOL my adidas superstars

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? ermm the red colored ones?

28: sunrise or sunset? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm very good question

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? hmm what comes to mind is the way both of us sometimes exchange goodnight msgs w nct farm emojis heheeh

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? lol ofc....

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. unfortunately im rly basic on socks, u wud most likely find me wearing black ankle socks or black ballet(?) socks nothing more nothing less.......

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. a lot has happened usually during that time lol. duno which story to pick honestly hahahah. i think a memorable one might be when we were drinking n played games and we talked and talked and joked n nek min one by one we fell asleep in the same room hahah... im sure there are other stories tht might be more eventful but fr the life of me my memorys fuzzy rn lol

33: what’s your fave pastry? i love strawberry shortcakes! or mille crepes

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? i kept a LOT hahah. prolly named a few, but nothing was too special. i think it rly reflected how i managed my relationships then, n evn yrs aftwds, like i ws always lonely n my instincts were to gain quantity cos deep down i cudnt trust ppl n cudnt get too committed lololol

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? i wish i was cos sometimes ppl wud make pretty colorful notes, but i usually just buy ones tht i wud use cos practicality.

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? mmmmm is it cheating if i say nct cos they cover a range of genres lmao. but their ballads i guess yeah.

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? i mean i prefer to keep it clean, but its always really messy HAHAHA ;_;

38: tell us about your pet peeves! 1. someone rude 2. someone who doesnt know how to respect others’ boundaries 3. someone self-entitled n takes themselves 2 seriously

39: what color do you wear the most? black on black on black on black baby

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? an evangelion ring, its the black (lilith) moon with lcl gem in it, to me i guess symbolizes my struggle with human relations, n how eva as an anime illustrated tht n the fantasy of having everyone’s consciousness merged into one--n the fact that lilith in itself (in astrology) signifies the darker side of a human being? i guess n the fact that evn if u acknowledge ur darker side u cud still use it to further urself

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? hmmmm i guess last was a self help book, unfuck your boundaries, helped me support my need to strengthen my boundaries

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! little rogue :) its in a small alleyway, a little quaint shop, easy to miss... small potted plants, with an amaaazing matcha latte

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? siiigh a guy i was involved with lmfao i cut him off tho

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? hmmmmm good question i guess lately ive been very thankful tht i could feel comfortable taking my own time and space, n accepting the positive energy others wn give 2 me. being single really, really does help evn tho id feel lonely sometimes, bc the only weight i carry is the weight of my own soul n i wn learn how to nourish that

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? very i think

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. i have a lot HAHAHA if u were a friend of mine ud prolly get tired of them. a genuinely bad one wud be haha youre so punny lmfao

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? nothing rly lmao if theyre healthy n someone derives happiness frm it i wudnt want it to be banned

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? probably not lol, i mean i think i retained similar fears since i ws a kid but now obviously my biggest fear(s) would be more...specific to me

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? its the digital age baby spotify ftw (in all srsness i wish i collected vinyls tho hh)

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? i used to collect ramune bottles lmaoooo

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? hmmmm nah lets not do this right now lol

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? LOL too many but i love shitpost quality memes tbh

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? pulp fiction. i actually loved it, i think i still do, its entertainment value is kickass, havent taken the time to dissect it in any other way

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? oh man i think it ws the dude i ws seeing lmao fk him

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? a lot, n most of them im not proud of, cos some involves self harm

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? kindness n genuineness, someone’s courage in being vulnerable

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? dont feel like it rn but everytime i do 10/10 will dramatically reenact the lyrics right to the guitar riffs

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? im definitely the wine (aunt) lmfaooo im already one tbh 

59: what’s your favorite myth? Eros + Psyche, Icarus and the sun

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? i love poetry hahah...cant think of any rn

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? id love any gift given 2 me as long as they wont harm me or anything lmao n i dont think ive evr given anything too stupid. well.. idk if this is stupid tho like i sent flowers thanking my ex for ‘helping me live’ well aft we’ve blocked each other off cos the end to the relo was js daaamn toxic lmao

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? nope

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? music i do spotify n im pretty particular ab organizing my playlists i guess. my books im alright with as long as theyre just stacked properly no problem

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? prolly rly dark blue cos its 12 am

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? a lot tbh cos ive rly been focusing on stuff internally

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? daisies, sunflowers, n baby breath here n there

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? somber i guess maybe a tad bit nostalgic?

68: what’s winter like where you live? heeella cold not cos of the temperature itself but the winds thooo, if it drizzles evn in the slightest it feels like needles piercing through ur bones literally

69: what are your favorite board games? i like the game of life, ummm cards against humanity?

70: have you ever used a ouija board? no n never will lol

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? the fruity kinds

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? yea def lol

73: what are some of your worst habits? disappearing from people when i feel strong emotions

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. they’re small but they’re so full of love, full of life, full of strength, and full of care for others, they’re the type of person who will seek their goals till the end despite obstacles and still be able to not lose their warm heart on the way. they put so much thought and care to every aspect of their life even when in the past they have been handed some bad things, and i adore them for that.

75: tell us about your pets! none :( wish i have a cat though

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? hahahhaah

77: pink or yellow lemonade? pink!

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? neither sometimes i think theyre weird sometimes cute sometimes weirdly cute lmao

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? write up 24 things they love about me to stop me from hating myself

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? white. no but if i had to id say white anyways lol cos its a blank canvas

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. i dunno uhhhh her rounded eyes which seemed to at first glance, harbor plenty of wonder seemed to be weighted by many untold secrets, the traces of which could be found when she erupts into laughter where the wonder would manifest itself in the form of small stars in the dark of her eyes.

82: are/were you good in school? meh. i try

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? weirdly i like cigarette after sex’s one cos its so simple yet telling

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? planning on getting an evangelion one, another heart one, a sunflower one, and prolly a ghibli related one

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? manga? naruto 4evr LOL

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? hmmm thinkin of dpr live’s IAOT

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? lord of the rings, harry potter, one of ghibli movies lol

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? i think impressionism is very cool evn tho i dont do it myself

89: are you close to your parents? eeeeee

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. Melbourne is a wonderful city where many things could coexist in one--happiness and sadness, camaraderie and loneliness, hot and cold, quiet and full of life, productive and relaxed, bursting with unfocused energy yet incredibly organized, and for many reasons it’s become one of my favorite cities, and definitely my favorite to live in.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? no plans tbh lol maybe home?.......japan? heheheh nahhh

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? it depends lol mostly i guess drowns my pasta in cheese

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? i always wear it down, either straight or wavy

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? a friend of mine

95: what are your plans for this weekend? stay in most likely, do stuff

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? 100% procrastinate lmaoooo

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? ISTG, jkjk INFP, leo sun aquarius moon cancer rising, ravenclaw

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? im alws meh ab hiking tbh lmao 

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Long Slow Distance - NCT 127, Four - Sleeping At Last, idontwannabeyouanymore - Billie Eilish, Stop This Train - John Mayer, Digital Lover - Crush

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 years into the past so she’d stop focusing her life around anybody else but herself