#ill just have to read every other fanfic of her

[iangallagherisadeadman]

just finished reading Cooperative Gameplay by @gallavichy which is a must for the shameless/gallavich fandom I suppose, and fuck! that was good.

and I'm just. so happy to be able to read such a good work by someone so passionate about their craft. I mean, Gray did so much research to properly describe videogames and how ged and university application work and mental ilness and places and tourist points and the most banal things too, and their mannerisms! the way every fucking twitter user ian follows has a consistent personality throughout all the fucking +240k words its insane! she included the clothes they were wearing and made whole playlists for a fanfic, that's so fucking nice.

it's just so nice to feel how much she was into it, you know? more than a great writing and story and characters, it was so nice to read cause there was so much feeling to it, all the time. makes me feel warm inside. smiled so big reading it and cried too! i just had to put it out here.

[you-will-return]

---

[seunmong-in]

🌅Sunsets in Sydney🌅

Genre: Fluff, childhood best friend to lovers, Idol! Felix x Reader, Humor, slight cursing, she fell first but he fell harder. 

Words: 2.1k 

Summary: After being on tour for a whole year, Felix is finally back in Sydney for a well-deserved break. While he is ecstatic to be with his family again, there’s one person who he wants to see most. His childhood best friend and crush, Y/N. 

A/n: Okay, can I start this off by saying, Holy crap… Thank you to all who like or reblogged my first fanfic with Han!! ( click his name if you wanna read it ! ) I honestly thought it wasn’t that good since I wrote it in a very sleep-deprived state, lol. But y’all proved me wrong🥹❤️‍🩹 That said, I hope you guys also like this story with Felix! Like always, if you have any feedback or want to make a special request just DM me!! Here’s also my latest one with Seungmin as well 🫶🏼

P.S Does anyone else have “that’s not very nice” stuck in their head too?

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365 days. 

That's how long Felix has been away from the place he calls home. And no, he doesn't mean his actual home back in Sydney. He means being away from his childhood best friend, Y/n. 

Felix and Y/n have been best friends since grade school. They have always been there for each other, from performing in talent shows to caring for each other when one falls ill. They are like two peas in a pod; wherever one goes, the other is sure to follow.

On the day Felix had to tell Y/n that he was leaving Sydney to become an idol in Korea, he broke down crying. He was worried that being thousands of miles away from his closest friend would strain their relationship. As he was about to board the plane, he turned around to see Y/n waving goodbye to him with tears streaming down her face, and he couldn't help but cry, too.

Surprisingly, Felix and Y/n's friendship didn't end after that day. Instead, their bond grew even stronger. Y/N would constantly update Felix through text or calls, sharing the details of her day and making sure he didn't miss out on anything important. While Felix enjoyed receiving these updates, what he loved most was the pictures his mom would send him of Y/n with his family on small family trips. Seeing her smile and taking selfies with his sisters always warmed his heart.

He had already surpassed the stage of simply developing feelings for Y/n. Felix adored her. He loved her. Whenever he watched a video of a couple on TikTok or Instagram, he imagined how to recreate the same videos with Y/n by his side. His heart skipped when Y/n surprised him at one of his earlier concerts with Olivia and Hannah, Chan's sister. The memory of her dancing his part of God's Menu while Hannah danced Chan's part on the big screen was something he would never forget. Since that night, Felix had been planning to confess his love to Y/n, and he decided to do it under the sunset in Sydney.

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Under the hot summer sun, Felix's freckled face is lit up with a big smile as his family rushes to greet him. Olivia is the first to embrace him, screaming, "Oh my God, do you even know how I miss you, Lix?!"

Felix laughed, embracing his youngest sister and repeating, "I miss you more." He noticed that Olivia had grown a bit since the last time he saw her and that her hair was now dyed at the ends. Noticing her brother staring at her hair, Olivia mentioned that Y/N did it a few days ago at one of their usual girls' nights. His mom and dad were the next two to hug him tightly, with his mom shedding a few happy tears.

"I say this every time, but I am so happy to have my baby back home."

Felix wraps his arms around his mom, hugging her as he says, "I am happy to be back home to Mom."

Felix was sitting in the back of a car, his mind preoccupied with thoughts of Y/n. He was waiting for her message, asking if he had reached home safely, but he had yet to receive any message from her. Although this was unusual, he assumed she might be busy.

Suddenly, Olivia abruptly interrupts Felix's train of thought, "So, are you finally going to ask Y/n to be your girlfriend while you're here, or are we still sticking to the whole 'she's just my best friend' excuse?" The unexpected question catches Felix off guard. His face turns red with embarrassment as his mother turns her head around from the passenger seat, waiting for a response.

Avoiding eye contact with his mother and sister, Felix clears his throat, allowing himself to find the right words.

"Um.. what makes you think I even have feelings for her?"

Olivia stares at her older brother, scolding him with his earlier response, "Felix be so fucking for real right now. It's obvious you have feelings for Y/n. You look at her as if she is your whole world, your face lights up with a smile whenever she texts you, and you always seem to find a way to talk about her when we talk on the phone. If that doesn't scream, "I am in love with my best friend," then I don't know what does. Oh, and before you go and argue with me about this, even the boys agree that you are completely strung up on her. So do us all a favor and tell her how you feel, will you?"

Felix sighs as he looks up to see his sister's gaze. He knew he had to come clean now before his plans got ruined. 

"Have I mentioned how much I dislike you sometimes, Liv?"

"Yeah, but I'm your favorite sister, so start spilling before I call Hyunjin and have him tell Y/n to you." 

During the last five minutes of their car ride, Felix confided in his family about his plan to ask Y/n out when they reached the house. He made them promise not to say anything to Y/n about his plan since he wanted to create a memorable and private moment between them.

As Felix's father pulled into the driveway, Felix noticed Y/n's car parked across the street. His heart raced as he jumped out of the car, ignoring his mother's yelling about not going inside yet. 

Felix barges through the main door and stops when he sees the handmade "Welcome Home Lixie" banner that Y/n was struggling to put up. He chuckles softly and leans by the living room doorway, watching as she gets on her tiptoes to hook the string onto the nail.

"You know, I could've helped you put up the banner, sunshine if you would've waited a little longer."

Y/n turns around to find Felix smirking. Blushing, she runs to him and hugs him. He hugs her back, lifting her up and spinning her around.

Trying not to cry on his shoulders, Y/n ever so softly whispers, "You have no idea how much I missed your hugs, Lix."

"Me too, sunshine, it's been way too long."

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After returning home and having dinner early, Felix went upstairs to his room. There, he discovered a welcome-home basket in the center of his bed. The basket contained his favorite candies, face masks, a small chicken plushie, and gift cards to his preferred places. Felix smiled, realizing that it was a gift from Y/n. She was always the type to spoil others with gifts, even if it was a small occasion. Looking through the gifts in the basket, he heard a soft knock on the door, and Y/n walked in. When Felix looked up at her, they locked eyes for the second time that day. Time seemed to come to a standstill, and after a while, Y/n was the first to break the silence.

"I hope you like it; I saw it on Tiktok late last night and thought I should make you one."

"I love it a lot; thank you, sunshine." 

He gives her a soft smile and motions for her to sit with him on the bed. She walks over and sits beside him, watching him unwrap more gifts. Y/n can't help but laugh as Felix brings the chicken plushie up to his face, jokingly asking, "Do you think it looks like me?"

"As much as I want to say yes, I feel like I am going betray BbokAri, so I must lie and say no."

Felix and Y/n laugh as Felix places the plushie back on the shelf behind him. The room lights up in a golden hue, indicating the sun is about to set. Without wasting more time, Felix takes Y/n's hand and leads her out of his room and towards his car.

"Lix, what are you doing? Where are we going?"

"I was hoping we could watch the sunset together again, just like we did as kids. It's been quite some time since the last time we did, and let's face it, we're not getting any younger. Before we know it, we'll be as old as old man Chan."

""I'm going to tell him you said that," she says, laughing as she follows him to his car. They both jump in and drive to the nearby beach.

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As the car pulled onto the sandy shore, Felix practically flew out of his side to open the door for Y/n. She beamed with delight as she stepped out, feeling the warm sand under her toes. Felix swiftly closed the car door and took her hand, leading her towards the beach. The sky was ablaze with a breathtaking display of pink and orange hues as the sun descended below the horizon.

"I forgot how pretty the sunset could be when you can see the reflection on the water."

"I know, but it's even prettier with you beside me," Felix responds. 

Y/n stands before Felix, unsure if he is joking or serious. He chuckles as she becomes flustered.

"You know that's not very nice."

"What isn't sunshine?"

"You saying that to me and not explaining what you mean," Y/n states as she turns away from him. 

Felix grabs Y/n by her waist and spins her, holding her close. Y/n's face flushes a deep shade of pink as she catches her breath. They've been close for years, but something feels different about this moment. There's a palpable tension in the air, a feeling of unspoken love that's hard to ignore. Felix looks deep into Y/n's eyes, examining how the sun's warm glow illuminates them. The sound of waves crashing against the shore adds to the moment's magic. Fighting the urge to kiss her immediately, Felix takes a deep breath as he stares into her eyes. 

"Do you remember why I decided to return home for a break instead of staying in the dorms with the boys?" Puzzled by his random question, Y/n nods her head, looking back into his dark brown eyes. 

"Of course I do. It was because you wanted to be with your family since you were homesick, Lix."

"You're right. But there's something important that I need to tell you, something that should've been said from the very beginning. Y/n, I like you. I'm in love with you. I love you so much that it hurts not to have you by my side most days or even to call you mine. The night before I left Sydney, I intended to confess my feelings to you, but I knew it was bad timing since I was leaving, and I didn't want to end our friendship. So, I kept it to myself for years. However, seeing you with Liv and Hannah at our concert earlier this year, dancing and singing to our songs, made me realize that what I felt for you was more than just a simple grade school crush. Y/n, I'd be lying if I said you weren't the person I want to spend the rest of my life with because I do. I want you to be mine, my only sunshine. And if you don't feel the same way, I understand..."

Felix was toward the end of his sentence when Y/n suddenly cut him off by pressing her lips against his. It was a bold move, but she had been crushing on Felix for what felt like an eternity and couldn't hold back any longer. When they finally pulled away, Felix looked at Y/n with a knowing smile, pressing his forehead on hers. In a very soft voice, Felix finally finishes his sentence. 

"I cannot imagine spending a single day without you by my side anymore. Will you do me the greatest honor of all and be mine forever?

""Until forever stops existing, my love."

[notedchampagne]

What makes a tlt au work for you? Do u have any favourites out there/that you’ve thought of?

its hard because it can go down to the writing! i have a huge bias for things that put focus on the characters acting awful and driving the story forward- if a story has a plot thats great, but its the difference between "gideon and harrow keep meeting up at parties and fall a little bit in love every time" and "gideons angry she lost her childhood to the cult so she attends a party with the tridentarii to shotgun adolescent experiences, and harrowhark, frustrated that gideon is pulling on her metaphorical leash, follows to stalk her". the former retains a 5+1 fic format and is more bite-size, while the latter puts more focus into their growth as characters. im not great at articulating what i like specifically, but ill put my favorite fics below:

what if nona was dogs tugs at my heart: its post-canon, slice-of-life, and has a unique concept (said in the title). i judged a book by its cover because i thought the premise seemed too silly at first but ive been made a fool and its pet clown. it feels so true to nona the way its about all the things nona loves and how she gets to explore the world through new eyes. i love the way it explores characters softening up and getting hurt through a third person pov

we have always lived in the apartment by @thatneoncrisis i keep saying this but for the love of GOD guys this au is so good it makes me cry and feel such a deep catharsis from it. it takes gideon and harrow and the ninth as a cult and explores their struggle to adapt to a modern society when noone ever gets a break (WOW ITS JUST LIKE IN REAL L-). quinn writes the sides of griddlehark i think go overlooked in fanfic often: their codependency, their tendency to lash out when theyre defensive, their mutual paranoia and different coping mechanisms, harrows psychosis and gideons bitterness, their relationships to each other as being the only other person who really understands what the other suffered through. god. i feel lightheaded.

"but SAM, i dont like angst but i want to see this writing!" read gap between a tragedy and a comedy

"SAM, i also like when gideon and harrow are horrible because theyre maladjusted teenagers! but i want more antics where the characters drive things forward over angst!" read whats eating gideon nav

you just aint receiving is one of my FAVORITE modern aus of all time (and i heavily recommend the authors other fics as well!) if you really want to see how much i love this fic the fact that my comments take up the entire phone screen probably says a lot. its hard to put it concisely: it keeps harrows air of misanthropy and cruelty but redefines it as the result of her upbringing and personal struggle to live in a university while dealing with a backpack of mental illness and frustration. it changes gideons personality as the daughter of john gaius in a way that makes sense having her grow up with johns middling parenting skills and getting everything she ever wanted (connecting it back to kirionas personality in ntn!). it brings in side characters (specially palamedes. my beautiful boy palamedes) in ways that compliment harrow and gideon but not so obviously that they only exist to be supports. they have their own lives and ideals. its a modern au that brings in the boiling politics of johns cult uprising once again in a really novel way

semi charmed kinda life by @griddlebait. jesuchristo and all his middle names this fic is GREAT for you if you want a slice of life, coming of age type modern au that explores what its like for gideon and harrow if they actually got the space to see who theyd become outside of the stifling fate tlt has for them. as far as modern aus go im usually very hesitant to read them because im afraid modernizing the characters takes features away from their core but i really love and respect the way the author treats the 69ers with care and draws distinct lines that shows me how their grow and change while keeping a line to the anchor. also they write HIDEOUS (complimentary) PINING. DISGUSTING. some of these chapters were so chock full of dyke drama that they made me nauseous and whimsical. i think once a friend said this fic felt like if gh could be reincarnated and i like that descriptor a lot

til the cows come home is another postcanon fic that made me feel sick and crybabyish about it- i would definitely recommend it if you want to explore a happier ending with griddlehark! with this and what if nona was dogs the thing i like most about them is that they mix up vulnerability with pain and fear, so it feels more lifelike that way if that makes sense. i lost my taste in fluff fics over time but when its interspersed with struggle and characters causing problems because they cant cope with themselves it feels much more earnest and raw

this became very long. im not sorry

[alexprime]

Let's talk about Spock's Body Temperature! A great many fanfics have him as being warmer than the human average, even hot to the touch. Fanfics can write Spock however they wish to (and I adore reading all the different interpretations!) However, according to TOS, Spock runs quite a bit cooler than humans do! Alright, so Spock ends up in Sickbay a fair amount during TOS, and every single time you see the Body Function Panel behind him, it seems to show a different reading. Confusing, annoying, frustrating, especially as we all know that TOS canon can be... fluid. One potential explanation for the fluctuating readings is the very reason he's in sickbay to begin with: he's sick or injured. Pretty much every time he's in a sickbay bed, he's either hurt, ill, or recovering from being hurt or ill. ... Except for ONE time, during his physical in the episode 'The Naked Time'. I've made a handy little graphic for this below:

Spock claims the readings on the panel in 'The Naked Time' are, "Perfectly normal for me, Doctor, thank you." Which would mean that his shown temperature should be accurate as well. Therefore, Spock's body temperature is approximately 92 Degrees Fahrenheit / 33 Degrees Celsius. This means that Spock actually runs quite a bit cooler than the average human temperature. As a fic reader, I adore reading different portrayals of Spock, and reading descriptions of him running hot can be lovely! However, as a fic writer myself, one thing I've really come to love is the contrast between Spock's personality to his temperature! I'll let the following quote from my fic, K'oh-nar, explain the reason why the contrast is fun to play with:

[Excerpt from Chapter 11:] Spock’s hand in his own was slack, but it was comfortable to hold now. He recalled how cold the Vulcan had been; how cradling those hands in his own felt like cupping ice. The fingers had been purple from the temperature, and he’d had the worst fear that moving them too suddenly would snap them off like icicles. They were back to normal in his grip; he examined the differences between them idly, marveling at the contrast of Spock’s olive skin against his own tan. The skin was cool—cooler than human body temperature—but that was normal for Spock.

Some part of him had always found that odd. He was used to it by now, but he remembered it had been startling to find out that Spock ran colder than humans did. It just… didn’t seem fitting. Everything about Spock always felt so warm to him; gentle, calming, kind. It was present in the soft brown of his eyes and the private not-smile he wore when being teased. There was nothing—not a single thing—about Spock that had ever seemed cold to him. Other Vulcans, sure; he hardly associated warmth or tenderness with the likes of the woman T’Pring, or her beau, what’s-his-name. The one with the stinkface. Stan? Stonk?

He'd described him as such to Spock once, using those and other colorfully insulting names. In turn, he had been delightfully and memorably treated to the subtle, nearly unnoticeable spasm of Spock choking on his tea.

[1toreyouapart]

The Lies We Tell

* **FANFIC THAT INVOLVES REAL PEOPLE. 18+ ONLY. MDNI. DO NOT READ IF YOU DON’T LIKE FANFIC THAT INVOLVES REAL PEOPLE***

Summary that tells you nothing: Sometimes everything you ever wanted has been right there, within reach, all along.

CW/TW: Angst, fluff, swearing, friends to lovers, jealousy, smut, fingering, PinV, pet names, friends with benefits, more to come as I actually get things written out.

Masterlist

The Shower Scene

Noah leaned over the sink, watching intently in the mirror as the razor glided across his skin. The pitter-patter of the shower the only sound in the bathroom, broken every so often as water splashed. He had lost track of how many times they'd done exactly this. One of them in the shower while the other did whatever they needed to. And every single time he had to fight tooth and nail not to sneak a peek. Friends weren't exactly supposed to want to see the other one naked. But damn it, he couldn't help it.

With a groan he leaned down, rinsing the remaining shaving cream from his face. Friends also didn't sleep in the same bed more than half the time. Or cuddle the way him and Quinn did. They sure as shit didn't get jealous every time one of them went out on a date. She had such shitty taste in men, too. All of them absolute tools that left her disappointed at the end of every date. Yet she still went back. It made zero sense.

Her phone on the counter lit up. A quick glance and he wanted to vomit. Here she was, getting ready for another date with another boring asshole that if he even made it past the first date would disappoint her, again, by the end of the second or third. What the fuck was she doing wasting her time with these idiots?

"Noah? Can you pass me my towel?"

Noah paused for a moment, wondering just what would happen if he said no. If he made her get out and get her towel herself. It was tempting. Maybe a little too tempting. Resigning himself he grabbed her towel off the rack, passing it through the shower curtain to her.

"Got any plans tonight?" He knew the answer, but fuck it, why not torture himself and hear her say it?

"Yeah." She stepped out of the shower, wrapped up in her towel. "Got a date."

Biting back the words that so desperately wanted to escape he moved aside and leaned against the wall, arms folded across his chest. He watched her as she applied her leave-in conditioner. Watched as she wiped her hands on her towel before she picked up her phone. Ignored the pit in his stomach as she responded to whatever the douchebag had said.

"You deserve better."

"You don't even know him, Noah."

"Don't have to. You have fucking terrible taste in men." Noah's eyes widened. He hadn't meant to say that. "I'm sorry. Fuck. I shouldn't have said that."

Quinn laughed. Actually laughed. But it wasn't her usual laugh. He could hear the pain hiding behind it. What the fuck was wrong with him?

"Yes, you did. It's okay, though. You're not wrong. Just look at how we met." Her eyes met his in the mirror. "I would like to get dressed now, if you don't mind."

Noah stepped up behind her, wrapping his arms around her. Of course he had meant it, but he hadn't meant to actually say it. She didn't need to tell him that his words had stung. He could hear it in her voice. See it in the way she looked at him through the mirror.

"I'm just tired of seeing you hurt when they all inevitably do the same stupid shit. I love you, terror pixie." He bent down, pressing his lips to the top of her head.

"I love you, too, Bigfoot."

She grinned, her eyes crinkling at the corners. At least she was smiling again. With a weary sigh he reached up, ruffling her hair before darting out of the bathroom. Part of him, real deep down, knew that if he had just asked her to cancel. To stay home with him, she would have, no questions asked. But that would be selfish. Who knows? Maybe this guy wasn't a total douchebag. And maybe he would turn out to be the love of her life. The thought made him physically ill.

Noah burst into Jolly's room, quickly closing the door behind him. Jolly merely looked up from the book he was reading, an eyebrow arched.

"Lemme guess. Another date tonight?"

"Yeah. And we all know how it's gonna go. Gonna need all of you to get lost for a while."

[fand0mswithbunny]

this is so different from the other posts i do but fuck it. descendants 4: rise of red review, spoilers ofc, we still boycott disney's ass, pirate this movie like uma and her crew ate the intro of this movie instead of watching this from disney+

keep reading if youve seen it or dont care about spoilers but tldr: if you havent seen it and see this as a spin off movie instead of a 4th installment, i say go watch it. its basically how i feel about the 2024 mean girls movie, im just here for certain characters, dynamics and songs, and a bit of the actual plot, its fun but definitely not for everyone, i liked parts of the movie/plots tho

okay honestly overall, despite the fucking terrible rushed ass ending, i still honestly enjoyed a lot of aspects of this movie.

songs, generally i liked. yeah its all pop-y but yk, none of them were unbearable, i loop red, whats my name (red vers.) and love aint it what about it

the editing was. a choice at times. like it will cut at the most random moments and when red was being transported and fell from that. pipe. thing in the castle it was so. disney channel editing core LIKE OKAY I KNOWW OFC IT IS but grahhhhhHH

the cg was good, direction was. also a choice at times. idk how to explain it but it felt like every scene was being directed like a music video and not like a MOVIE esp the lighting oh my god idk what it is but its so GLOWY AND WEIRDD

the characters themselves, i love the main cast, red, chloe, ella, bridget, etc. were all cool. IM A FIRM RED/CHLOE SHIPPER THEY ARE GIRLFRIENDS IDC and i also liked the dynamic they have with their past moms it was nice

oh yeah i dont mind how they wrote mal, evie, jay, and ben outta the story, i mean they gotta explain their absence yk. and i loved the carlos tribute, you can tell china was genuinely not acting in that tribute scene.

the vks were. okay. i dont mind that literally every villain/princess/disney protag goes to high school. this whole series basically feature length fanfiction anyway, idc personally about that. its weird URSULAS SISTER was the main antagonist. like i get having a completely new villain aside from the vks parents or something but. ursulas. sister??? besides you could tell me shes ursula and ill believe you.

its nice seeing filipino prince charming thats it thats all i gotta say RAHHH PHILIPPINES BABYYY 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 MY MANS GOT THAT 'PINO RIZZ OKAYYY

the plot was actually fun, but yeah I WISH WE COULDVE SEEN CASTLECOMING WE WERE ROBBED OF THAT i knew when red and chloe got the book there was like 10 minutes left in the film but cmonn we couldve had Morgie, I DONT KNOW somehow freeing the rest of the vks and them STEALING THE POCKETWATCH AND RED AND CHLOE HAVING TO GET IT BACK, GET ANOTHER 30 MINUTES IN THE FILM MAYBE, ANOTHER ACTION SEQUENCE, CASTLECOMING. but its finee im sure theres a fanfiction in the works somewhere that has that exact premise because thats what fanfic is for babyyyy

imagine. during the dance chloe and red are scrambling to find the watch, they see the vks, they find bridget crying because her best friend isnt there, she thinks ella bailed on her, they have to find the watch but, they gotta make her feel better right? red comforts her while chloe chases after them to find the watch, ella comes to the dance late after deciding, fuck my stepmom, get your hands dirty parallels, something something, the four of them all stopping the vks together, THEN they travel back.

i should just write a fix it fic for this movie at this point damnn i impressed myself

but yeah the ending does leave a lot of plot holes, if bridget didnt change from the past WHO DID, if Red even CONSIDERED a VK in this timeline? if not then WHO IS IT?? IS IT CHLOE?? its hella rushed, its ass, but i guess we'll find out in the 5th movie ig

also i thought they were totally setting it up for Ella to be the one that humiliated Bridget in the past, like the "I saw through her" in Love Ain't It we NEVER GOT ANY CLOSURE FROM THAT WHAT HAPPENED?? sighhh its okay its fine

i see this movie as a spin off movie rather than a 4th installment of the universe because it pretty much is, like its basically its OWN universe with the lack of the og cast and new characters. i unofficially coin it as the "Descendants: Redverse" because it just makes more sense

so many questions, mainly WHY, but yeah, still liked it, would rewatch. certain. parts of it. but honestly? a 7/10. leaning towards a 7.5

is this a recommendation? not sure, depending on who you are you could totally love this film or hate it, i say give it a chance and completely ignore the busted ass ending <3

anyways KENDRICKKK FANFIC WRITERSSSSSS- DROP SOME MORE CHARMINGHEARTS FANFICS/D4 FIX IT FICSSS. AND MY LIFE, IS YOURRSSSS

[yrrtyrrtwhenihrrthrrt]

I would be really interested to know if N.D. Stevenson planned for Nimona to have been Gloreth's monster from the beginning (i.e. the comic) because like

Until recently my headcanon for C! Nim's powers were that she was a normal little girl who became possessed during a traumatic childhood experience, and that possessing entity gave her immortality and powers but it made her potentially dangerous to herself and others (like an allegory for some mental illness) and that at some point in the past, that same entity possessed Gloreth because to me, that's what the narrative seemed to imply

However, I recently read an interview where Stevenson states that C!Nimona was not possessed. I also saw an ask he'd answered on Tumblr where someone had asked if Nimona was a descendant of Gloreth or if Gloreth's monster had anything to do with her (this was pre-movie) and he just answered "She is not a descendant of Gloreth" Without elaborating further. This kinda (to me?) implies that maybe she was always meant to have existed for a crazy long time (1000+ years) and that like the movie, she was the monster Gloreth fought.

But this seemed to me not to be the case, because the flashback of her REAL backstory doesn't appear to take place that long ago (although because the characters wear fantasy/medieval-inspired clothes, it could have been?) it mostly just looks like it happened somewhere far out of the city/kingdom, but I don't really know

There are still differences, C! Nimona canonically has human parents and M! Nimona canonically does not, C! Nimona's powers are implied to be somewhat dark (every time she shapeshifts her entire body is destroyed and regenerated) and M! Nimona's are portrayed as overall a positive thing (I think C!'s powers represent mental illness and M!'s represent queerness, which, very different message)

I know (since he's said it multiple times) that the origin of Nimona's powers are left vague on purpose, because a part of the story's narrative (both comic and movie) is that, it doesn't really matter how it started or what caused it. She's not a monster, and the "monster" is an integral part of who she is. She's not a changeling, or possessed, or a monster, or a human, or a mythical creature of some designation, she's just Nimona.

But since in the comic we do get loredropped tidbits about how her powers work and her backstory, it really makes me lose my freaking mind when I have to try to expand upon that even slightly in fanfic, especially when Word of God seems to contradict the source material, or at least my understanding of it lmao

[bluebird722]

A Lifetime of Firsts

Jeankasa Week: A Lifetime of Firsts

Summary: The Jeankasa relationship is examined through their "first" experiences over their lifetime together.

Rating: T

Main Pairings: Jeankasa, hinted Eremika, Aruani

Author's Note: This was supposed to be my entry for @jeankasaweek2024, but I had fallen ill from a work trip abroad, so I put it on hold until I was able to finish. This is a little longer than my previous fanfictions, but it's probably my most favorite fanfic that I ever wrote. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed plotting and typing it.

For @itslieutenanthawkeye, @jean-kirschtussy, @corner-stories, @marshmallow-rainbow139, @ereami0, @casualaruanienjoyer , @cidsideral , @witchyu , @heavenzscent @peacefulharu @pickalilywrites @levisecretgfblog @ravenhealer5

***Attack on Titan: A Lifetime of Firsts***

First Hug

After they met with the Alliance, the ambassadors made the trip to Shiganshina to visit the grave for the first time. They were exhausted and thirsty, but seeing Mikasa reenergized them with relief. She was all right and safe from all that time working in the Queen’s orphanage. The manner in which she cried and smiled as she embraced Armin made her look more innocent and less traumatized. 

Jean didn’t know why, since he knew that she could have never returned his adolescent feelings for her and that he had to let go of that hope, but when she and Armin let go, he guided her into a hug. She smelled just as sweet, and caring for the children at the Queen’s orphanage seemed to have erased the stress and tension that she had carried as a soldier. Even if they had to be friends and nothing more, he was just relieved that she was safe and happy. 

After he let go, lest he make anyone else suspicious, Mikasa pulled away and tilted her head. “I like the hairstyle,” she said softly. 

Jean’s heart fluttered. “Looking good for the history books,” he said proudly. 

Behind him, Pieck snorted. 

Everyone had picked a wildflower to set on the grave and pay their respects. Then Mikasa followed them back to where they were to stay until they next departed.

For some reason, that first hug felt so significant to Jean. He didn’t know why, but he had a hard time willing himself to let go. He made himself lose feelings for her, and it was easy when he was helping set up refugee camps and truthfully answering interrogations and collaborating with the other ambassadors. Something was going on within him, but he didn’t think that he was comfortable sharing with any of his parents or even his closest friends. He just hoped to clear it out before he left. 

First Letter

As the ambassadors were preparing to leave, Mikasa made sure to be there on time to say goodbye. Naturally, she and Armin embraced tighter, and he was looking forward to reuniting with her, even though he updated her on countries and cultures that she would admire and everything that reminded him of her; she told him about how big and healthier the orphans were growing, and how politics on Paradis were improving and worsening. However, even though Kiyomi had been relentless, Mikasa refused to move to Hizuru; she didn’t want to abandon her birthplace, and she couldn’t abandon children who needed her. Armin knew that they were becoming a little family to her, and she looked at them as the innocent child she had been before she lost her first family. 

Still, Mikasa reflected on a conversation they had earlier, when she talked about her guilt for missing him but knowing that she had to kill him to stop that monstrosity. Armin reassured her that yes, she had to, and that she had to sacrifice her happiness for the Rumbling to stop–but that didn’t mean that she had to feel guilty about moving on with her life without him. She was no Ymir, and she did not want to be, but she had clung to him with every fiber of her being for survival since she lost her parents, and she didn’t know how to process his absence from her life.

“Let me ask you this, then,” said Armin at one point. “If it had been the other way around–if you died and he lived–would you rather he spend his remaining years mourning after you, grieving over a dream of what could have been…or would you have wanted him to find love with someone else so he wouldn’t have to spend the rest of his life alone?” 

Mikasa blinked at that question. She opened her mouth, flushed, but didn’t say anything. Armin did not push for an answer. He knew she was conflicted but also that she had to ask herself for an honest answer. He decided to remind her, in a letter, that she deserved to be happy, and that she could still love Eren with all her heart and yet also love another person for the rest of her life–after all, she missed and felt love for her late parents and still considered Grisha and Carla her new family when they took her in. 

Armin was putting those words onto paper when Jean walked into the cabin. “Is that for Hizuru?” he asked.

 Armin shook his head. “No, it’s for Mikasa. I just wanted to tell her something that I didn’t have time to before we left.” 

“Okay.” Jean smiled. “Tell her I said hi.” 

“Sure,” said Armin, “but why not write her a letter yourself? I’m sure she’ll appreciate knowing that I’m not the only friend of hers who likes to keep her updated on how things are going, and check up on her.” In truth, Armin was not trying to set up Mikasa with anyone, let alone Jean; he just assumed that she would have liked to correspond with an old friend rather than just the orphans she helped raise. Plus, Jean writing to Mikasa would remind her that just because she lost Eren didn’t mean that there weren’t other men who also cared about her well-being and wanted to stay friends. 

Jean hesitated but kept the idea in the back of his mind until he was secluded in his own cabin. While Reiner, his cabin mate, slept and breathed in Historia’s scent from her letter, Jean decided to tell Mikasa about their plans–what they would discuss, their goals, and what they looked forward to once they arrived back in Paradis. He admitted that he missed his parents very much and wished that he had more time to spend with them before he had to leave. 

I know that you are happy caring for the orphans, but I think that you would make a fantastic ambassador because you care, he had written. Mikasa reread the letter under the shade of the tree and stared out at Shinganshina in silence. Not even a bird flew by. She looked down at Eren’s grave, which she visited only on his birthday and the anniversary of his death, and now when she greeted the others back to Paradis. 

She liked that idea, as much as she loved caring for the orphans, because she knew those children would grow up very soon, and she wondered what to do with her life afterwards. Would she find a partner, someone who knew she killed but still loved Eren and yet loved her in return? Was she to relocate to Shinganshina, or would she go wherever fate took her? The future was so uncertain that Mikasa began to cry again.

***

Caring for the orphans took her mind off her dilemma, if only temporarily. Then again, it made her feel less lonely and more satisfied that she was giving love and care to children who, like herself, lost everything. She knew that she could not save every child, but at least she was doing all she could to prevent those children from ending up in the clutches of the Yeagerists. She expressed that concern in her letters, first to Armin and then to Jean. 

Over time, writing to Jean felt like keeping a journal which wrote back to her. Even though she didn’t share everything for fear that he would not be the only one reading, she wrote about the orphans and how slowly she was adjusting to life outside the military. She wrote about how Trini was the fastest runner but not that she cried every time that she prayed for her late parents, how Mike was quick to learn how to cook but not that he spent days clinging to Mikasa, how Clifford loved riding horses but not that he had nightmares about his mother dying from her wounds right after he lost his father and siblings. She also skimmed over how Lauren and Amber gradually stopped crying for their own fathers–who were crushed to death when the walls fell–in their sleep, and liked to make up silly songs with Robert, Jessie, and Matthew. It was strange how everything was getting better even when things were getting worse. 

First In-Depth Conversation

The Yeagerists continued to seek and demand power, but fortunately, relations with other nations were improving thanks to the alliance. Peace was temporary as long as the Yeagerists were still in full control, though Reiner and Pieck decided, when the time was right, to move back to Marley and work for the alliance there; Connie and Jean decided to move back to the island, but both Armin and Annie were unsure of their long-term plans. Mikasa reminded Armin that she would support his decision no matter what, and no matter how his relationship with Annie progressed. 

After they visited the grave, they went back to the Queen’s hall for a small party with the other allies. Mikasa didn’t really want to go, but she did not feel like going back to the orphanage yet; it was still new to her being around people without Eren at her side. It was at the event that she overheard Jean sharing with Armin and Annie his excitement to reunite with his family. Mikasa smiled, but then she noticed Connie walking by looking crestfallen. She knew that he was excited to see his mother again but was conflicted if they should rebuild or abandon what remained of their village. 

She listened to Jean, Armin, and Annie talk to allies about their travels and what they looked forward to doing when they came back for work or pleasure, some of which she knew through Jean’s letters. 

“Thank you again, for writing to me when you were away,” she told him after their small crowd had disbanded. 

Jean smiled, kind as ever. “Thank you,” he insisted, “for answering back and updating us on Paradis. Maybe one day, you can join us on our excursions in other countries.” 

Mikasa beamed at that idea but recalled her sour first trip to Marley, how their mission did not go as planned even after a fun night of partying. 

He pressed his hand against her lower back and guided her out of the vicinity. “You seem upset,” he said, “and please don’t deny it. I can tell.” 

Mikasa knew there was no sense arguing with him and instead mentioned her disappointment that the first excursion to Marley failed and if she could have done something so that Eren would still be alive and they could have peace without the destruction of the Rumbling. 

“You will see him again,” he said, even though he was still unsure if he fully believed in Onyankopon’s belief in an afterlife. “But…he wanted us to live long lives.” Jean didn’t know why he started stroking Mikasa’s cheek. “I just hope…that with this ‘freedom’ to the outside world, we can no longer feel trapped as we did before. We can experience everything we ever wanted.” 

“Jean,” she whispered, “what was the future you imagined, that you would like to have?” Mikasa asked. “Do you still want to move into the interior?” 

Jean hesitated and looked down. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “Even after I decided not to join the MPs, I…I can’t see myself, knowing how corrupt they had been, knowing how there will always be Yeagersits loyal to the core living there…” Jean sighed. “I used to dream about moving to the interior—the best house, everything. My kids could have access to the best schools, the best education that only the Queen and the truly wealthy could afford…just a good life for my loved ones, after everything that I’ve endured. I risked my life for this country, for humanity, so I want them to have the best life possible on this island.” 

Mikasa didn’t say anything, but he suspected that she was picking up from him that familiar desire for the impossible–impossible or at least very difficult, but still nice to fantasize about. You don’t always get it, he thought, but it’s nice to get close–and maybe see the good in not getting what you want. 

“What about you?” he asked. “Would you have wanted something similar–a family? Did you ever want one?” 

Mikasa didn’t respond immediately, but she did look down at her right wrist. “I don’t know,” she said. “Family is something expected of you. When my mother gave me this…” He didn’t need to look down at where she was looking. “She asked for me to pass it on to my own children.” 

Jean didn’t say anything. 

“But I would not want children unless I wanted them with…the right partner,” she finished. She didn’t need to say, but Jean knew that she was thinking to herself if Eren would have been the right partner–the love of her life, yet one who willingly murdered children in Liberio and in the Rumbling. Jean agreed to himself–he did not want to marry a random woman just to have a wife. Maybe he dreamt of his ideal future as an escape from the Rumbling, but it was nice to imagine that manifesting because he was willing to lay down his life for that island. 

They stood in silence until Jean spoke up: “If I have to wait for the perfect partner, I will. I don’t want to chase a dream that won’t come true.” 

Mikasa thought about the cabin dream Eren gave her, how she knew that wouldn’t come true, and the turmoil that Ymir had for over 2,000 years. She didn’t know if she could hold onto that heartbreak for that long, and in the process cause so much trauma for unborn generations. “Thank you, Jean, for sharing this with me,” she said. “I know it must be hard to hold that in for years.”  

Jean quickly smiled. “Well, thank you for letting me trust you with that. You have changed so much, and you’re so different from when we first met.” 

“Are you just saying that because you had a crush on me even before we were in the Scouts?” she asked. 

Jean looked at her sharply. “Well, if Armin and Annie had fallen apart, would you have wanted him to harbor after her for life, or would you have encouraged him to move on?” he asked rather harshly. “I’m your friend. I care about you. I hate to see you blame yourself for what you did, even though you knew it had to be done.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I think about our fallen comrades every day, but I want to live so their sacrifices were not in vain, that yes, we have a mess to clean up, but we can make it better than before–” 

Suddenly, he noticed that Mikasa’s eyes were watering. He didn’t intend to offend her, but he put his hand on her arm and pulled her to his chest. Suddenly, she seemed to fall in peace crying in his arms. “I loved him, too,” he whispered to her. “I may have picked fights with him and been incredibly selfish back then, but I did not…” He closed his eyes and sighed. He would still give up a thousand apartments in the central region to find a way to bring back Eren without the threat of the Titan curse coming back. “I’m not telling you to forget him,” he added. “I just don’t like seeing you suffer, especially alone.” 

Mikasa lifted her head. “I won’t,” she said softly. “I want to live a long life, like he wanted… I just don’t know how.” Her eyes drifted downwards. 

“Neither do I,” Jean said, “just as long as I have my loved ones and people I care about.” 

Mikasa suddenly remembered Armin saying how just because she lost her parents didn’t mean that she should forget them and accept Eren’s parents as her own, nor to deny them as her new family. “Jean,” she whispered, “did it hurt…that I loved Eren, and didn’t feel for you as you felt for me?” From his sharp inhale and the sound of his teeth clenching, she knew that it was still a sore subject for him. 

“Like hell,” he whispered back, “that I couldn’t compete with him for you, and that I could be everything you wanted and needed, but I wouldn’t be him.” He sighed. “It took me a long time to accept that. But I still care about you, Mikasa. I do. I just want you to be happy.” 

Mikasa lifted her head and cupped her hands over his jaw. His facial features had changed with adulthood, but she knew that not all of his personality had. She wondered how much of him had changed and stayed the same. “Jean,” she began, almost hesitantly, “I’m sorry that I hurt you. As we were writing to each other, I’m glad to still have you in my life, to be a friend when I needed it, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings anymore.” 

“Mikasa,” he said, “I’ve accepted it. You don’t need to apologize. I’m glad that you taught me that I can live with the hurt but still be your friend–just as you can acknowledge that what he did wasn’t right and still love him.” 

Mikasa dimly smiled. “You haven’t changed so much, Jean. You still speak your mind and still speak the truth, even if it hurts.” 

Jean chuckled. “The fact that you still want to be my friend despite that says a lot, makes me feel better.” He was relieved that she grinned back. Then he realized that maybe he never did get over her. She was his ideal woman, something to look for as he searched for his life partner. She may not be exactly like Mikasa, but at least Mikasa taught him what he wanted and didn’t want in a wife. At least he could still have Mikasa as a close friend.

First Confession

The day before Reiner and Pieck were to depart, Mikasa and Armin visited the grave, where she worried what to do with her life when the orphans grew up. Armin spoke only kind words and reassured him that she could tell him anything; no matter what life threw at them, she would always be as close to him as a sister would, and he only wanted happiness for her. 

After they stood in silence and then spoke to the grave, Mikasa and Arnim walked down the hill together, each reminiscing about themselves as children running up the hill. Then Mikasa asked Armin if it was wrong of her to betray Eren by loving another man, even if it wasn’t to the extent that she felt for Eren. Armin said it wasn’t a betrayal; if anything, Eren wouldn’t want her to spend the rest of her life alone. Then he asked if it was about Jean, with whom she had seemed more communicative lately. When Mikasa flushed, Armin continued: “When you’re away from him, do you miss him? Do you hope he’s happy, worry if he’s safe?” 

Mikasa’s eyes burned. 

“He makes you feel safe, right? He makes you feel… a sense of security, one that you haven’t felt since Eren?” 

Mikasa’s stomach boiled with a sick feeling. She didn’t want to admit it, but she knew that the longer and more she denied it, the worse she would feel. “Yes,” she whispered. “And it feels…somewhat different than how I felt with Eren.” She had to clench her teeth and fists before she lost her balance. She remembered visiting Eren’s grave even in the snow to stifle those feelings and deny that her heart could open itself to that vulnerability once more. “Armin…” 

“Yes?” asked Amin. “Mikasa, what is it?” 

Mikasa, with tears in her clenched eyes, swallowed. “Yes… I think I love him.” 

First Kiss

Mikasa felt bashful around Jean. She realized that she was starting to fall for him but worried that she could not give him what he wanted, what she had wanted to give to Eren. She didn’t want to break hearts, yet she didn’t want to lose him. Therefore, she kept a respectable distance from him as they waved to Reiner and Pieck aboard the ship taking them back to Marley. When they reached the train station so Connie and Jean could go to their respective homes, Jean asked Mikasa if he could still write to her. She said yes. 

Then, after months of speculation and sickness never bled into her letters, she asked to see him in person and what day they could meet in Trost. She wanted to talk to him and say things that she did not want to put to paper. 

The day started out nicely, with Jean’s mother cooking up a feast and gushing over this woman that her son marveled about when he was younger–because, of course, of her strength and that she was a magnificent warrior. Jean’s face burned, but Mikasa didn’t mind. It was nice getting this sense of family again, in which the parents hovered over the offspring no matter how old. When lunch was over, Jean’s mother gave Mikasa a walking tour of Trost and supplemented with stories of Jean’s childhood. No matter how often Jean grumbled, Mikasa was attentive and softly smiled. She liked hearing stories of Jean as an innocent boy oblivious to certain horrors of the world, unaware that he would become one of the greatest soldiers of his generation. She was having such a good time that she didn’t leave until hours after dinner. 

Jean walked her to the train station, but before they entered, he stopped and pulled her aside. “Mikasa,” he started almost hesitantly, “what is it that you wanted to tell me in person?” 

Mikasa swallowed. “Well…before I get there, I wanted to ask you something–something a little uncomfortable.” When Jean didn’t respond but made an encouraging face, she continued: “Remember when we were all in that cell, in Shiganshina? When…When I asked Armin not to repeat those hurtful things that Eren was saying to me–why did you push him to say them anyway?” 

Jean blinked, like he couldn’t believe that she would remember such an awkward conversation. “Well…like I said, I thought that he had a motivation, a reason for wanting to hurt you, and as we all know, he must have had some reason to isolate himself from even you and Armin, given how much he cared about you over everything else.” 

Mikasa nodded once. “But why did you want to know, even though you knew that hearing them again would have hurt me again?” 

Jean clenched his teeth. “If he was hurting you, you know, to push you away, I needed to know how he was hurting you, to understand why he would hurt you in the first place. And we realized why.” He looked at her with a line between his eyebrows. “Why do you ask?” 

Mikasa didn’t respond. Her eyes flickered over his shoulder for a moment. “Does it bother you, still, thinking about how he said things that he probably didn’t mean?” he asked. When she continued to stay silent, he sighed. “I’m sorry, Mikasa. I know how important he was to you, so if I sound like I’m trash-talking someone you love–and I don’t want to be talking badly about him so you would think I’m trying to make you forget him”--

“I don’t want to be Ymir,” she said, “and I don’t want to keep mourning over what could have been.” She gave Jean a look not of vulnerability but of determination, one that had deepened his attraction to her when they were in the trainee corps. “If…If I wanted to visit his grave with someone…would you go with me?” 

Jean’s eyes briefly widened. “I’d go with you multiple times a day if you needed,” he said. “Eren was my friend, too, don’t forget, so it would be for you as much as myself. I want to put my friends above myself, just as a husband should for his wife, a father for his children, a neighbor for his neighbor, a citizen for his country.” Then he blinked. “Why?” 

Mikasa took a deep breath and swallowed. “Jean…” She touched his face and stared into his eyes and could see that underlying yearning for her–no matter how hard and frequently he insisted that he got over her and was waiting for the right woman. 

*** 

For Jean, kissing Mikasa was a dream that he never thought would come true. For Mikasa, kissing Jean felt like the traumas of her life had been briefly lifted from her and could not touch her at that moment.

First Time

Jean and Mikasa were married on a bright day, what they calculated to be the anniversary of when they first met, when Jean first saw Mikasa and complimented her on her beautiful black hair. Jean nervously chewed on his lip until he saw Mikasa in her bright white gown, clutching the crease of Armin’s elbow and beaming like she was having the best dream of her adult life. He vowed to love her every day of their lives, even in the bad times, and to put her above himself. 

His mother sobbed into her hands when her little boy kissed his bride and tilted her back, as he had seen in other weddings. She hugged his shoulders and kissed just as hard and passionately. When they reluctantly parted, the Queen declared that it was time for pictures using the best camera from Marley, and then the orphans for whom Mikasa cared as children brought out the greatest foods and wine, while those skilled in music played instruments. It was like that night in Marley, all of the laughing and drinking and goofy behavior. The reception did not stop until way after dark, so the Queen’s carriage carefully rode their newlywed’s into their own house.  

Before leaving to go home, however, Jean told the carriage driver to “go ahead” but told Mikasa that she could close her eyes and rest. When she leaned her head against his shoulder and took his hand, he kissed her temple and studied her smile until the carriage stopped. Jean stepped outside, helped her out of the carriage, and carried her up the hill to the grave with a lantern in one hand. Mikasa’s eyes widened until he reached the headstone and gently set her onto her feet. He greeted the headstone, knelt down, and talked about the beautiful ceremony and how it was so much better than he could have ever dreamed. Then he stepped back and encouraged Mikasa to speak about the wedding. Mikasa talked about Armin giving her away, how beautiful Annie and Historia looked in pink, and the Kirstein jewels that her new mother-in-law had gifted her the night before to wear. 

Then Mikasa squatted down without dirtying her gown and laid her bouquet over the grave. “We will see you again soon,” she promised. When she indicated to Jean that she was ready to leave, he picked her up again and carried her down to the carriage, and then she started weeping. He didn’t ask why; he didn’t have to. She still said, “Thank you…for letting him be part of our special day.” 

Jean kissed her forehead and reminded her that Eren was his friend, too. He absolutely deserved it. She looked back one last time and then entered the carriage. 

Jean and Mikasa, however, did not consummate their marriage that night. When Jean carried his bride into their new home, they spent the early hours of the evening sharing wine, laughing, and singing and dancing even though no music was playing. They were not ready to go to sleep, even though the yawning increased, but they were too jubilant to stop and consider making love for the first time. 

The next morning, when Jean and Mikasa failed to meet with their loved ones for a midmorning tea, his concerned parents ventured to their son’s house. The door was unlocked, a wine bottle had spilled onto the floor, and their son and new daughter-in-law were sleeping against the front of the couch, his jacket gone and the back of her gown unzipped. They reeked of wine, and their hair was wild. Jean’s mother was convinced that not even the loudest sounds could wake them up.

When the newlyweds did wake up in the midafternoon, they sheepishly changed into less formal clothes and ate away their hangovers with Mr. Omelet and steamed broccoli and diced bacon. As embarrassed as they were that his parents caught them in that state, the fun they had that night was worth the amused yet slightly judgmental looks. Jean’s father kept reassuring them that it was something to laugh about come their first anniversary. Mikasa didn’t think the humiliation would go away by then–maybe in the next 2,000 years. 

Her in-laws did not leave until long after sunset, but they reminded Mikasa about the present upstairs she needed for her special night. After Jean let her change in the bathroom, Mikasa unboxed and pulled out the item that had been tailored for her—a simple white nightgown with golden rods on the straps, a V-shaped neckline that stopped at the top of the sternum, and a small slit at the side. As soon as she pulled it on, she unveiled the matching robe with lace on the cuffs. 

She didn’t make a show of it when she walked out of the bathroom, but the look on Jean’s face made her feel very beautiful and very vulnerable. She caressed his jaw as an offer of comfort, and he hugged her very tightly. Only when she kissed his neck and whispered to him did he walk her into their bedroom. 

Jean had his eyes closed the entire time that he unbuttoned and removed his shirt. Then he pulled off his socks, unbuckled his belt, and set them on top of the chair. He looked into his bride’s face as he unbuttoned and unzipped his pants. Then he closed his eyes and decided to remove everything. 

Jean stepped out of the clothing and slowly opened his eyes. Mikasa stared at him, transfixed with the length of his bare legs, the muscles in his arms, and the bones of his hips and collar protruding from his skin. He anxiously gripped his thighs and worried what she thought, seeing him at his barest and all of the flaws and scars that he would not have shared with anyone but the woman he loved above others. 

Jean took a deep breath and turned around so she could see the back of his body. He was overweight as a boy and still felt insecure about his appearance—was there something about him that made him look unfit to her? Did he gain weight somewhere that she thought undesirable? He swallowed and wrapped his arms around himself. He wished that he knew what she was thinking. What if he gained weight when or if she became pregnant– “papa bellies,” Marlyeans called what they made fun of. That’s why he was more conscious about how much he drank and felt guilty whenever he overindulged. 

He didn’t know that she was behind him until he felt her arms wrap around his waist from behind and her face nuzzle into his upper back. “I hope you feel safe with me,” she whispered, “because I feel that around you.” That was enough for Jean to turn around and kiss her until she raised her arms as permission for him to remove the nightgown. They kissed naked for so long that hours must have passed until he asked if they could move to the bed. 

She pulled away the comforter and sheets before she lied down. Jean followed and waited for her to feel comfortable. Then he crawled over her and thumbed her cheek. “I trust you,” he whispered. “And I love you.” 

Mikasa clasped his neck in both hands. “I love you, too.” Then she closed her eyes and parted her mouth. 

The back of Jean’s mind raced with the advice that his father gave him about giving his bride pleasure and easing her through an intimidating, intimate activity, but his main focus was the love he felt for her and how nice it felt to give and feel love. He returned the kiss and imagined the entire world celebrating their union. 

They spent the early hours of their wedding night exploring each other and what brought them greater pleasure. Both had come into bed worried about impending awkwardness, but the patience that the other had eased the nervousness as they learned how and where to make good use for future lovemaking. Sometimes they stopped just to hug and savor this new beginning. 

Jean thought that the actual act was to be the most memorable moment of the night, but he found that the afterglow, when both were sticky and twitching, his back stung from where she unintentionally clawed him, and her eyes fluttered as she panted, was his favorite. He didn’t feel any different just because he had intercourse for the first time. What was different was that he now had the perfect partner to whom he would make love. 

They steadied their breathing when he lay on his back and she nested her head on his chest, fingers stroking his chest, her back. They napped for two hours, woke up to share a glass of water, and relished in the silence as they took in how happy they made each other. 

Jean nuzzled her neck and hoped that the joy in his chest would continue beyond that night. They had a lifetime, hopefully, to bring each other and themselves immense happiness. They had only been married for one day, but he was looking forward to this new stage of his life. “I love you,” he whispered into her skin. 

“I love you, too,” she whispered back, her fingers intertwining with his in a tight grip. 

First Anniversary

Mikasa didn’t know what she was clutching harder–the handful of wildflowers she had just picked, or her husband’s hand. Jean didn’t know if she was more hesitant or excited as they walked up the hill. Even after one year of marriage, he was still learning so much about her, like how she preferred to hang wet laundry and which vinegars she disliked for pickling certain produce. 

When they reached the headstone, they crouched down and laid the flowers onto the ground. “Hi Eren,” said Mikasa. “It’s been a while, but it feels like only yesterday that we came to say hi.” She talked about how strange it was to have been married for an entire year, and yet few things seemed to have changed–only the love grew, and the communication improved, and she and Jean felt even closer than before. 

“We have a picnic back home, with our friends and family there,” said Jean, “but before we go, Mikasa here has some big news.” He smiled at his wife, who was also beaming. 

Mikasa cleared her throat. “We’ve kept it a secret for a while, and…we’re going to share it with everyone else today at the picnic,” she started. “But I just wanted you to be the first one to know.” She took and squeezed Jean’s hand. “Jean and I are having a baby.”

First Baby

Marco was stuck in the birth canal for almost three minutes but slid out before the midwives could suggest kicking Jean out of the room to eject the baby in a more graphic method. He screamed loudly and kicked so hard that the midwives struggled to put a diaper on him before presenting him to his parents. Never before had Mikasa wept in elation, and never before had Jean realized how much love he could give. Everything else in the world didn’t seem to matter as much as this beautiful baby boy.

First Loss

Marco was, at times, an unpredictable child. Some days, he was like clockwork–he woke at the same time, was hungry at the same time, needed changing at the same time, went to sleep at the same time–and some days, he had different needs and tested his parents. Interestingly enough, his sleeping was also unpredictable. Some nights, he cried in the middle of the night for no reason–not even a midnight feeding. Some nights, he slept soundly through thunderstorms and that one time his mother screeched in bed.  

Jean did his best to calm his wife and care for her before he ran downstairs to use the phone, and then ran back up as soon as he hung up. He tended to her the entire time, in shock and disbelief and absolute horror, tears and sweat in his eyes because this nightmare was worse than anything he had ever experienced. Then he ran downstairs, let in the guest, and hurried her back to his bedroom. 

All that time, Marco slept on. 

The doctor asked so many questions in an effort to calm the couple, and then looked up with a crestfallen expression. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “You lost the baby.” 

Mikasa wailed into her fist and rocked back and forth. She didn’t even know she was pregnant–they hadn’t even tried, since they wanted to wait until Marco was at least two–and she lost what could have been another great source of joy for her. Jean wept, too, and calmed himself by stroking her hair and rocking her back and forth. So many lost opportunities, regardless if it was a boy or girl, the jobs, the hobbies, the grandchildren, the trouble, the bad periods… Jean kissed Mikasa’s temple and sniffed. “I don’t know how to get over it,” he whispered. 

The doctor let the couple weep and use up their tears, and then made sure that Mikasa stopped bleeding. She helped Jean change the sheets as well and then asked Mikasa about her diet and lifestyle–but nothing added up. Sometimes, bodies did not always carry full pregnancies. 

Mikasa felt like she was a child again, confident that her mother was having another baby, and to know that the baby had died with their mother in that one moment… She sniffed in Jean’s shoulder again. 

“I do have good news, though,” said the doctor. “You can still have children–I would just wait for three more months to try again.” 

Mikasa lifted her head, as did Jean. “What?” 

The doctor smiled. “Some women, after a miscarriage, they can’t get pregnant ever again, or another pregnancy kills them.” 

Jean shivered. 

“Based on your lifestyle and your previous pregnancy, you can try to conceive again after at least three months,” the doctor repeated. She smiled when the couple looked relieved and kissed each other. They could still have another baby. Hope was not lost. Yes, this loss would bother them for life, but as long as they kept living long lives to the fullest, it would not ache as much.

First Girl

Sasha was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and did not breathe for her first five minutes of life. She admired her parents, hated potatoes, played with a doll that had belonged to her namesake, always received a pretty dress from her grandmother, and was afraid of the Yeagerists.

First Crime

She studied the crowd with blurred, bruised eyes. She listened to the man to her left recount her crimes and explain why she had been badly tortured. Her wrists were raw and still burned from the ropes, and her lungs hitched every time she took a deep breath. She tried to swallow. She watched them swing the noose in front of her and then drape over her head. 

Punishment, they declared, for disloyalty to the Yeagerists… The punishment for defiance. The noose was tight around her neck. She was going to die without saying any last words– 

Just then, she heard a familiar swipe and clink of a long sword, and then a weight pushed her out of the way without the noose. The crowd gasped as the weight carried her over the crowd. “Hurry!” cried a familiar voice, one that she had not heard in years. “Go over to the border and bring Hitch to Annie!” 

Hitch forced her swollen eyes to open, and she could see through the disguise–she could recognize that horse face anywhere. Then he dropped her onto a horse and panted. “Go!” he yelled. Hitch immediately, though in disbelief, processed that she was embracing her old roommate from behind and clung to Annie as the horse galloped away from the Yeagerists that tried to hang her for her “betrayal”--having a change of heart, becoming a secret agent for the Queen and the Alliance. She was tired of years of empty threats that never came to fruition, and she slowly hated the notion of children becoming involved and fighting on the streets. With help from the Alliance, Annie and the other ambassadors were able to secure Hitch asylum in Hizuru. 

Once they escaped the crowds, but not before kicking Rico in the face hard enough to make blood fly, Jean pulled his wife into an empty alley and removed the mask from over the top half of his face and head. “We did it,” he whispered. 

“And soon they will target us,” Mikasa reminded him. “They will know that somehow we knew that Hitch began to work for the Queen…and they’ll target our children before they target us.” 

Jean cupped Mikasa’s face in his hands. “We will fight back,” he said, always the optimist when she was the pessimist. “Not today, or tomorrow, but one day. We’re Scouts–we never give up.” 

First Family Trip

Once the island faded from view, Mikasa took a deep breath and leaned against her husband’s shoulder. He rubbed her arms and concentrated on the relief they shared. It was dark that night, and the children were cranky and sleepy, but they and Connie managed to board a steamship ahead of schedule. They knew that the Yeagerists would piece together their rule in Hitch’s escape, so the earlier they fled, the safer they would be. The Queen, as before, protected Jean’s parents so the couple could ensure that the entire family was not going into hiding as they rushed to Hizuru for a peace conference–and for Mikasa to learn more of her heritage. 

The family missed breakfast the next day, but Kiyomi welcomed them in Hizuru with Armin and Annie at her side; Reiner and Pieck would join within a week. Kiyomi greeted Jean, doted on how big Marco and Sasha were growing, and embraced Mikasa with open arms. Then they hurried to the undisclosed location where the family would stay for their tenure in Hizuru, with the tightest security: In addition to the growing bump under Annie’s clothes, Mikasa admitted that she was three months pregnant with her third child. 

***

Despite the tension due to the ongoing events in Paradis, neither Mikasa nor Jean had experienced so much fun, especially with their children. Kiyomi took them, the children, Armin, Annie, Connie, Reiner, and Pieck on a boat tour around the rebuilding and famous waterfalls of the land. Then they explored a “zoo” featuring animals from all over the world, and where the zookeepers allowed Marco and Sasha to feed the animals. Marco and Sasha took painting lessons while their father was in meetings and listened to translators read aloud history books of Hizuru. Connie took Sasha out to sample desserts, and Armin and Annie walked with Marco around beautiful gardens on days when Mikasa was too tired from morning sickness. She overcame her morning sickness–and began showing–in time for the alliance to travel to Marley for another round of accords agreements. 

Two days after the Kirsten family arrived in Marley, Annie went into labor. Mr. Leonhart left to bring the midwife while Jean, Connie, Reiner, and Pieck took Marco and Sasha out to explore the city. Mikasa agreed to help Armin coach Annie through her contractions, and Hitch, who felt out of place in Hizuru but was not ready to go back to Paradis yet, kindly prepared the room for the birth with towels, boiling water, and scissors. 

Armin was nervous about Mikasa being around Annie, given the stress it would put on her unborn child, but Mikasa reassured him that her child would be safe. She explained to Annie the different stages of labor and told Armin how to motivate her to breathe–by counting between contractions. Annie squeezed Mikasa’s hand through pushes, but Mikasa squeezed back and reminded Armin, over and over, to coach his wife into breathing until, after five hours, their little one was born. Mr. Leonhart embraced the baby with tears in his eyes, and Marco and Sasha awed over baby Arlet. Annie, on the other hand, looked at her baby with more love than she had ever given anyone, even her husband. 

The alliance threw a small party for the baby after Marco and Sasha went to bed, and Annie decided to go on hiatus until her baby was six months old; Hitch volunteered to be the “nanny” until or unless she could return to Paradis. In the end, she decided not to go back when the accords were completed, and the Kirsten family prepared to go back to deliver the baby on the island. 

The children had finished breakfast and were scrambling to change out of their pajamas, but Mikasa had dressed before so she could spend some time alone on the bow of the ship to watch the island grow bigger in view. 

She caressed the giant bump under her dress. Welcome home, little one, she mentally told her unborn. I hope that you will have a safer childhood here on this island than children before you. 

***

Zoe was born on a warm, sunny afternoon. Unlike her namesake, she was careful around what intrigued her.

First Gray

Mikasa impatiently wiped breastmilk from the top of her dress and shook her head. The smell was going to stay, and the dress needed extra washing. Of her three children, Zoe was the messiest eater. Mikasa very much looked forward to and dreaded when the time came to introduce Zoe to solid foods. 

She set down the rag and walked back to the living room, where Jean was teaching Marco to read, and Sasha was on the floor trying to teach Zoe how to roll over. Unfortunately, Marco looked up at his mother and pointed at her. “You still have some stuff in your hair,” he informed her. Jean chided him for being rude, but Mikasa thanked her son and went to the bathroom to check in the mirror. 

She wet a washcloth, ran it over the milk in her hair, and was about to toss it into the bin when she noticed that she missed a spot. Mikasa frowned and wiped at it again, but it did not come off. She used her fingers, but even that did not remove the white in her hair. She leaned forward and realized that it was not milk but a strand of gray hair. 

At that moment, the whole world around her seemed to shift. She was growing older. Her time in the world was limiting. She would have less time to spend with her children and husband. She would not be able to experience everything she wanted since she learned of the world outside the island. 

Then she heard tiny footsteps thundering her way, and she left the bathroom in time to hear Sasha complain about how Zoe was too slow to learn to roll over. Mikasa had to laugh–after all, Sasha learned to talk before she could walk, but it was the other way around for Marco, and Sasha learned to roll over before she could lift her head. Mikasa wore a mask for the rest of the day and supervised the children washing vegetables for dinner, picking up and putting away their toys, and changing into their pajamas. She nursed Zoe while Jean supervised the children brushing their teeth, cleaned up the baby’s messy chin, and put her in her crib. 

Mikasa studied the gray hair and searched her scalp for more small grays when Jean knocked on the door. “Mikasa? Are you coming to bed yet?” When she didn’t respond, Jean walked in and saw her staring at herself in the mirror. Mikasa didn’t notice him until he put his hands on her shoulders. She spun around with tears in her eyes, and Jean’s face fell. “Mika? What’s wrong?” 

Mikasa swallowed and pointed to the gray hair. “Jean…I’m graying. I’m getting older, and I–I’m…I’m losing time in my life.” 

Jean cupped his hands around her face, and the look of unconditional, pure love that he gave her with his eyes and mouth made her heart melt every time. “You’re always beautiful, Mika,” he whispered. “Don’t ever think that I will fall out of love with you because your hair turns all gray or all white–or that you’re getting older and aging.” He kissed her temple and turned around. “If I truly wanted you to look a certain way for as long as you lived…would I ask you to do this with me?” 

Mikasa watched him turn on the faucet in the bathtub and proceed to undress. Then he outstretched his hand to her, which she took, and helped her out of her clothes before they stepped into the rising warm water. Jean studied his wife’s body–stretch marks, a more fleshy midsection from three pregnancies, and flaky nipples on swollen breasts–and became teary eyed. “Mikasa, I only fall more in love with you every day, and I fall in love with you all over again in the morning. How can I not?” He cupped her face and wiped her wet cheekbones. “Remember–I will love you everyday, just as I do now, until I die.” He pulled his wife to his chest and positioned her hand over his heart. “And all I care about is that you are my partner, and that we work through good and bad to raise our children.” 

Mikasa’s eyes watered again, and she snuggled closer to her husband. Nothing, not even Zoe’s crying, could get her to move away.

First Health Scare

Zoe, at only two, was more helpful to her parents in the market, unlike Marco and Sasha, who preferred to run around and look for other children to play with, or ask for samples of cheese or pastries from vendors. While Marco and Sasha skipped to the butcher’s to taste different sausages, Jean asked Zoe to carry the bunch of celery that he bought, promising her a longer playtime in the afternoon. Zoe’s eyes sparkled, but Mikasa knew that Jean was tasking Zoe with minor assistance just so she would gradually stop sucking on her thumb. 

“Marco, Sasha!” Mikasa yelled, a bag in one arm and Zoe’s hand in hers. “Don’t run too far!” 

The children sighed and walked over to the baker’s stand to wait for their parents. They nibbled on samples of sourdough bread while their parents and sister continued with their shopping. Given their father’s good work and their mother’s notoriety as one of the best soldiers in the island’s history, everyone in the market was very friendly and looked after the Kirstein children. 

“Hey Mika,” Jean hissed. “Could we…stop for a bit? I need to sit down…” 

Mikasa watched her husband, sweating so much on a chilly day, lose all color in his face and sit down between vendors and nearly drop the bag in his arm. His hands were shaking. 

“Jean?” Mikasa knelt down and set her bag by his. “Jean? What is it…” 

Jean was hissing, but he couldn’t breathe well, and he struggled to speak. Mikasa, still holding Zoe’s arm, lifted her head. “Someone call for help!” she yelled. “Hurry! He needs a doctor!” 

As people began to step away from the young couple, Mikasa yelled for her two older children to hurry over. Marco and Sasha dashed to their mother’s side, and parents pulled away their children to give the family space, and a public carriage that was driving by rather quickly suddenly stopped. The conductor jumped off, threw open the door to the carriage, and helped Mikasa heave Jean inside. Then he encouraged the children, who were sobbing and clutching each other’s arms, inside and raced to the hospital. There the staff took Jean away while a doctor interrogated Mikasa about her husband’s medical history. She was patient with the woman who answered as truthfully as she could all while consoling three hysterical children who worried that they would never see their father again.

As soon as she was done, the doctor rushed to the emergency room and told Mikasa to wait outside. Mikasa shook as she used the pay phone—a true gift from Marley—to call her mother-in-law and tell her to come over immediately.  

For three hours straight, Mikasa hugged her babies and wept. Eren, she mentally prayed, if you can hear me…please save Jean. Spare him from death. You want us to live long lives…so please allow him to live until a very old age. She let the tears fall and rocked her children as calmly as she could. 

*** 

Mikasa didn’t realize that she fell asleep until she sensed a presence in front of her. It was the doctor. “Ma’am?” she whispered. “You are his wife, correct?”  

Mikasa briefly checked on her children. Zoe was asleep against her shoulder, with her tiny arms around Mikasa’s neck, and Marco and Sasha were curled fetal position on the bench. She nodded at the doctor, who informed her that Jean was alive and in stable condition; he could probably return home in a day or two. They were still trying to find a cause for the heart attack, but so far recommended that Jean rest in bed for a few days and refrain from strenuous activities for at least a month. 

The doctor looked down at the children sleeping around their mother. “When they wake up, you can see him,” she added.  

Mikasa smiled at her children and propped Zoe’s head onto her shoulder. “Marco, Sasha, wake up,” she hissed with gentle shakes on their shoulders. They whined and rubbed their eyes. “Keep your voices down,” she added. “Let’s see Papa.” 

Marco’s and Sasha’s eyes widen, and they hopped off the bench to follow Mikasa into the hospital room. Jean was awake, and his smile upon seeing Mikasa and the children was something she wanted to remember every day for life. He kissed their foreheads and the back of Zoe’s head as she slept, and then pulled in Mikasa for a long kiss. He reassured Marco and Sasha that he was not dying; it was just something very scary, but as long as he kept eating well, limited how much he drank, avoided cigarettes and cigars, and did not sit around all day, he would have less trips to the hospital. Marco and Sasha nodded and talked about the pastries and meat and cheese they ate at the market until Jean’s mother came in. She embraced her son, kissed her grandchildren, and stayed until visiting hours ended, after which she and Mikasa reluctantly left. 

As Mikasa had tucked the children into bed, Mama Kirstein opened the door and saw that the knocking was from Austin, a little boy from the neighborhood and one of Marco’s classmates. He saw that Mikasa left behind her bag of food at the market, so he took it home to hold on to until she came back; some of the tomatoes were ruined, so he asked his parents to replace them and not have Mikasa and Jean pay them back. When Mama Kirstein told Mikasa, Mikasa had a sense of relief that not all children were doomed. Yes, the mindset of the Yeagerists still plagued many children, but then there were those parents who were raising their children differently, to be good neighbors and live for peace, not power. “You and my son raised your children good,” Mama Kirstein reassured her. “You should be proud.” 

Mikasa took her mother-in-law’s hand over their teacups and squeezed. “I’m always proud. I just hope that I will continue to be prouder when they grow into adults.” 

Mama Kirstein’s smile widened. “Then continue to use this time–their time as children–wisely. Every day they live and learn, there’s no going back.” She watched Mikasa nod and smile at her wise words.

First In-Law

Mikasa considered herself fortunate to have a wonderful ally and mentor so that she would have strong feelings, but every day she seemed to miss her mother-in-law even more. Mrs. Kirstein had died only eight years before, but it was still hard to process losing another mother figure. She had lost two mothers but never a mother-in-law who still taught her something every time they saw each other. As much as she tried to apply everything she learned from her own mother and Carla to her own children, she also took into account the kind of woman that Jean’s mother had been, and the mother-in-law that she wanted to be. 

Marco must have noticed, for he flexed his arm that she clutched. “Mama,” he whispered, “don’t worry.” 

Mikasa dabbed her wet cheeks but smiled as she walked with him, taking in the smiles from her husband, their daughters, and young men she had watched grow up. Then she kissed Marco’s cheek before she joined her husband. It seemed so long ago that he was born, that she and Jean took him to visit the grave for the first time, that he took a solo trip to Hizuru. Time was too fast for Mikasa to process. 

Just then, the music started playing. As if they were on the same wavelength, Mikasa, Jean, and the guests stood up and turned around in time to see Marissa and her father step into view. Mikasa’s eyes burned with tears. Marissa looked so beautiful in white, and the Kirstein jewels–which Mikasa had gifted to her the night before, as Mama Kirstein had for her–only complimented Marissa’s appearance. Marissa, however, only had eyes for Marco at the altar. Only when Marissa approached her fiance did Mikasa see that her baby boy was sobbing harder than he ever did as a child, and then Mikasa started crying because she could feel how happy he was. He might not have been a baby for years, but the motherly instinct and connection remained strong. She could even feel how joyful Sasha and Zoe felt, wiping their own cheeks and hiding half of their faces behind their bouquets. 

Marco and Marissa pledged their lives to each other, but only when they kissed did the tears flow–not just because of joy, but because she truly felt the reward of her sacrifice and of her putting her life on the line for the island. 

***

The reception, one of the most fun that Mikasa and Jean had ever been to, consisted of people they have met and collected over the years. The alliance met and danced with Marco’s former schoolteachers and the grown orphans whom Mikasa helped raise. Mikasa and Jean introduced Hitch to Austin, Marco’s best man, and his family, and Marco’s friends from Hizuru. Historia’s daughter challenged Armin and Annie’s son to a tap dance round, which she sorely lost. 

When it was time to give speeches, Mikasa spoke about welcoming Marissa into the family with open arms and how proud she was of the man that Marco had grown to become; Jean said that he knew that he had done right as a father from seeing how Marco not only treated Marissa, but also how he picked someone who was as good for him as he was for her. Then Sasha and Zoe giggled through their speeches to their brother and new sister-in-law, and then Marissa’s parents gushed over how glad they were to welcome Marco as another son into their family.  

“We did good,” Jean whispered with a kiss to her ear. “I knew that you would be an amazing mother–and now look at the adults our children have grown up into.” 

Mikasa, however, still thought of her late mother-in-law and how happy she was to have her as a third mother figure. Now, as she watched Marco dance with his bride, Zoe feed her fiancé cubes of cheese, and Sasha laugh in the arms of her boyfriend, she felt less mournful and more excited to be as great a mother-in-law as her own had been, and to watch her children’s continuing evolution. 

First Grandchild

Age was slowly catching up with them. Neither Mikasa nor Jean remembered the first signs that their bodies were weakening, but once Jean’s back started to ache when he walked or stood, and Mikasa’s hip flared in pain for no reason at times, the discomforts only seemed to spread and grow, and even reopen old wounds from their past. They managed to hide it from their children for a while, but any time one of them felt too stiff or unable to move, they reflected on Jean’s parents in the last years of their lives–the canes, the extra support, the winces, the groans, the hisses, and the constant fear that one day, one of them would fall and never be able to get up. 

Death was not quite upon them yet, they knew, but they knew that it was closer since they cheated out of an early demise years ago. Death was not quite upon them yet, so they made the full use of the lives they still had. 

For all the cruelty that the world was full of, as Mikasa knew, the world was also of beauty, from nature to small miracles. She said that all the time to her children as they grew up and complained about minor injustices and major disappointments. She suspected that she would say that to her grandchildren. As it turned out, it was the first thing she said to her very first grandchild. 

She remembered being with Sasha when her daughter went into labor, and Sasha spent the entire trip to the hospital panicking that her husband would not make it into the delivery room on time. Mikasa stayed with her daughter throughout the labor, held her hands, hummed to her the lullaby that lured her and her siblings to sleep when they were babies, and coached her into breathing and stretching. Fortunately, her son-in-law made it right in time for Sasha to begin pushing. Mikasa was so fixated on her daughter’s well-being that only when she heard the first cries did it occur to her that she was now a grandmother. 

She lived to embrace a title that her own mother never could.  

When she first peeked at the tiny red face, her eyes burning with tears as she recalled all of the people she lost and the opportunity they could never have, she whispered, “Welcome to the world. It is both cruel and beautiful.” 

She said that every time that she embraced her granddaughter, just as she had reflected on them that night. The world was still cruel, but few things were as beautiful as watching Jean, despite the wheezing and the knees that burned every time he walked down the stairs, bottle feeding their granddaughter. Little Ashly’s eyelids fluttered to the pattern of her grandfather’s rocking, the way he rocked her mother, aunt, and uncle. It felt like old times, feeding a crying baby, but without the stress of putting the older child–then children–back to bed. For a moment, they felt like they were taken back to when it was just them and Marco, back when they were excited but also extremely stressed new parents who had no idea whether they should follow Jean’s parents’ parenting advice or learn on their own. In that time, Mikasa and Jean had grown wiser, and their relationship had grown stronger. The heartache from their past no longer tormented them as it used to. 

When Ashly stopped eating, Jean propped her onto his shoulder and patted her warm back. She barely resisted and was quick to belch. Mikasa chuckled and held out her arms for her granddaughter. It was a warm night, and embracing Ashly always made her sweat, but she never missed an opportunity to hug the little one, her newest love. She hummed to Ashly even after she had fallen asleep and hugged her for twenty more minutes. Then she reluctantly put Ashly back in the crib, joined her husband back at the kitchen table, and wheezed now that she could no longer exhale. They chatted about their new source of happiness and their hopes that she would grow up to be as great as, if not greater than, her parents, aunt, and uncle. 

Nevertheless, Mikasa always felt wistful when she looked at her first grandchild. She remembered wondering, especially back after Marco was born, what kind of child she was and yearning for the innocent life she lived as that little girl in the cabin. Now, she wanted to spend her final days, months, years in pride about the life she lived after she thought she lost everything.

First Morning Without

Jean started to wake up from a heavy, bittersweet dream. He dreamt that Mikasa was dying, and that he had called his children, their spouses, and the grandchildren, who all arrived within two hours. Luckily, the grandchildren–four beautiful darlings, two little boys and two little girls–were on their best behavior and calmly, though tearfully, kissed their grandmother. Then the in-laws led the children downstairs to “play” and give their spouses time alone with their mother. 

Mikasa wept as she conversed with her husband and children. She loved them, and she was so scared to leave behind those she loved most. She gripped Jean’s hand as tightly as she could, and he reassured her that she had not lost her Ackerman strength even in old age. 

“You’ve lived a good life, Mom,” Zoe whispered to her. “Very few people have done as much, or are even as brave as you… You’re a hero.” She brushed Mikasa’s hair from her forehead and quickly dabbed at her own dripping nose. 

Marco and Sasha agreed. “We’re so fortunate that you’re our mother,” added Sasha. “Think of all you’ve done in your life–and look at the reward: a new chance at family. And you always say how proud you are of us.”

Mikasa nodded with tears. “I am, sweetheart,” she whispered. “You have been incredible children, and you are amazing adults and parents…”

“We couldn’t have done it, or be where we are now without you, Mom,” said Marco. “You gave life another chance.” 

Mikasa nodded along. Then Jean rubbed up her arm. “I love you so much, Mika,” he whispered. He reached forward and wrapped the scarf–the one material item she held onto since her youth–tighter around her shoulders. “As much as I already miss you…think of all the people we have lost and missed for years, and how…” He stopped and sniffed but didn’t wipe his eyes. “Think…you will get to see them again, people we have missed for over fifty years…” 

Mikasa’s eyes widened, and then she beamed. “Thank you, Jean…for being there for me when I needed you…for–for wrapping this scarf tighter around me…when I needed it.” She knew what her children were thinking–that they owed their entire existence to one man they never met, who led her to healing and love with an old friend–and that their father had been a great source of comfort to her in the years leading up to that moment. She gazed into their three faces and turned her head so she could see Jean’s face as well. “Thank you all…for being my family… I love you all…”

Then Jean woke up and saw his wife lying in front of him, her eyes closed, a peaceful smile on her lips. Her chest didn’t rise. Then he remembered that it wasn’t a dream, nor was the sobbing or the cries from his children as they left the room to give him space. He remembered how the world seemed to shift at that moment, when he had to let her go and live the remainder of his life without the partner he loved for years, who brought him as much happiness as he gave her. 

He knew that their children were sleeping in their childhood bedrooms with their spouses and children, so before they could wake up and the in-laws would cook breakfast to make him, his children, and the grandchildren eat, he kissed her cheek, pushed himself up, and opened the window the way she liked to wake him up on beautiful mornings.

The sunlight and breeze kissed the tear stains on Jean’s face. Say hello to the suicidal maniac for me, please, he prayed. 

***

Mikasa let him rock her back and forth in his arms, tearlessly sobbing in joy and grief. “I’m so glad you lived a long, happy life,” Eren whispered to her. He must have known that she was also grieving, for he added, “You will see them again…but for now, let them live their long lives.”

[thechaoticreader]

10 Booktok Books I Refuse To Read (&Why)

I'm feeling a little controversial today and while I'm a microscopic blog might as well!

*Disclaimer: If you like any of these books, slay! I'm happy for you! These are just my own consumer choices, and imo negative book reviews are just as helpful as positive ones!*

1. Any Colleen Hoover

I don't like her as a person and don't want to give her money

Her writing style feels like I'm reading bad 2010's fanfics

Her plots feel half-baked and contrived

It feels like her plot twists are just there to emotionally manipulate the reader not to actually make the book better

Every twist is predictable

I've never met a likeable CoHo character

I hate reading insta-love

All of the male Leeds (😉) are toxic and shitty

The breeding kink that underlies most of her books make me very uncomfortable

The pick me "not like the other girls" attitude of the female MC's makes me hate them when im supposed to be rooting for them

thats all I can think of right now but there's probably more

If you want Verity vibes but well written, read Rebecca by Daphne De Maurier

If you want the writing style, plot points and vibes of the rest of her work but for free, visit Wattpad or Fanfiction.net or even venture further into this very site

2. Haunting Adeline

Hate the writing style

The Q Anon subplot makes me so upset...like if I wanted to hear righty conspiracy theories and propaganda i'd hang out with my aunt...at least id get food out of that

I've been in abusive relationships and I'd find this book triggering and disgusting, not sexy

3. Fourth Wing

I just feel like I've grown out of the genre (I was an avid reader during the Y/A dystopia craze of the 2000's/2010's)

hate the writing style

the world building makes no sense

bad chronic illness rep

in general not a romantacy fan

4. Sarah J. Maas

Not a fan of her writing style

Not a romantacy fan

Don't have the attention span for MASSIVE series

5. Icebreaker

I grew up in Southern Ontario surrounded by hockey boys...theres not much less sexy to me than a bunch of hockey bros

6. Hidden Pictures

its transphobic :)

7. Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes

I loved the hunger games books and I'm afraid this will ruin it

8. Creedence

not into incest

don't find abuse hot

9. Cassandra Clare

not into incest

not into plagiarism

bad writing

series are entirely too long

10. The Pawn & The Puppet

bad writing

the worst mental illness rep I've seen in a long time

transphobia

badly handled eating disorder

toxic at best love interest

don't like the author

there's definitely more but thinking about this book makes me so mad

[moo-shroomi]

a list of my fav fairy tail ships except some of them i have liter never heard others ship

-nalu obviously i’m obsessed with them

-minerva x erza call me crazy but those two girls have fat gay crushes on each other

-sting x rogue idc what anyone says they are gay. especially sting. fruit basket ass man.

-cana x lucy i mainly ship nalu like 1000% but also like cana and lucy had so much chemistry randomly like uhhh something LGBTQ is going on with them

-gruvia i think they’re so silly they’re sweetie pies

-juvia x cana fr i ship cana with every female character atp

-mavis x zeref literally they make me so sad i bawled when i saw their story episode bc like they could’ve at least been happy together if the curse didn’t like kinda kill her ish and he would be so different and ugh idk bro zeref also makes me mentally ill in general poor bby

-gajeel x levy they’re actually the cutest cutie pies to ever cutie pie

-millianna x kagura they just seem fruity bro

-laxus x mira i dont think i would ship them if i hadn’t read fanfics that they were in but now that ive read so many fanfics im kinda obsessed with them. they just don’t interact enough in the show

-gray x erza listen ik this is controversial but sometimes they had mad chemistry but like this to me is like i think it’s silly but i don’t think they’d ever be a couple but i think they def did kiss before

idk i can’t think of anymore rn but maybe ill add to this later

[thegazette5]

I've found out that reita is gone three months later

so yesterday at night, august 15, I found out that reita was dead... and I couldn't' believe it, it was so surreal and I cried reading the words of ruki for him. it pains me to know the gazette members were friends, mostly reita and uruha that used to know way before.

tbh I haven't listened to the gazette since 2016

I met the gazette's music at 18 or something like that and

now I'm 36 and I have clinic depression and when the gazette made their second world tour, the country I live in it's close to argentina, I had a friend who had an argentinian friend that got me a front row ticket for the gazette concert, I got the flight tickets for me and my friend, and then I had a shitty nationality that didn't let me go anywhere (I already changed my nationality) anyway, I didn't get the visa to argentina, I was so sad I wanted to end everything. I went straight to the psychiatrist, it was the first time I really wanted to end everything, every bad thing that had happened to me, not being able to got to the gazette's concert was the last blow, and someone I thought as my best friend back then, she got to go and it made me so sad and angry 'cause she wasn't even a real fan compared to me, she just happened to listen to their songs that year and go (she dedicated ito to me 'cause she missed me, and hell I told her 'bout that song's meaning, that's my proof she wasn't a fan)

so I stopped listening to the gazette, but this year I felt like listening to, and last night I was listening to layla by eric clapton because a kaleido star's fanfic I was reading with the characters layla and yuri, and I wanted a name for the main female character of the book I was trying to write, I thought layla was cool, but there's already too many L in my main male character's name, so I thought of reila (I thought it was reira) and there was "what happened to reita the gazette" on the search while I was looking for reila's lyrics, I thought it was a illness or accident, but no, reita is gone.

I found out that reita is gone while listening to eric clapton playing guitar.

I went to wikipedia and I thought a troll edited the page, a horrible joke, but it was real and it means I'll never go to a the gazette's concert in my life, maybe I still can, but it won't be the same without reita, he is the gazette and he is my fave bassist and I remember when I was young and grew up with the gazette's songs, I got excited just by watching their pvs on the screen, everytime I read their interviews were so inspiring, just a bunch of young adult friends that decided to pursue the same dream together. I wish I had that kind of friends, and let's face it, most jrock groups break after a few years, the gazette were friends with the same dream that lasted over two decades, they were losers that had each other and followed their dreams and made them come true and to me the gazette isn't one of the best rock/metal groups of japan, to me they're one of the best in this whole universe.

and I went to two aerosmith lives where they were in their 60s and I dreamed of the the gazette were going to rock 'til they were old in his 70s.

tbh I'm curious about reita's passing, I want to know why, last year matthew perry died and I love friends, it was shocking, but I did know why, however asian artists are more discreet than western ones and we may never now about what happened to reita. there's so many rumours and the gazette haven't released new songs since 2021? I guess there'll be a new bassist and I won't hate on him, but it won't be the same.

reita was so young, not 45 or 47, he was 42 and I don't want to believe in the horrible rumours. whatever happened to him, it was his life, if there's heaven, another life or another world I hope he's in peace.

and I'm hurt and I'm not ready to listen to the gazette music yet.

[kisaraslover]

DO U HAVE ANY BLUESHIPPING FIC REC?????PLEASENIMSTARVINGKSKSKKS

anon kskkasak ITS FINE ILL SAVE YOU OK? here goes:

Scenes from a Kaiba Marriage and Temptation by my blueshipping queen @kisara-kaiba as the opening. the peak of modern life blueshipping fluff, very lovesick, when im reading them its heart full, head empty. youre gonna be lucky to start them now cuz ill be rereading and drawing scenes from them this week👀. itll be like premium fanfic reading.

Enjambment -> this fic might be the single best written blueshipping fic by the virtue of MIRRORING their encounter in ancient Egypt beat by beat, including BOTH of their character arcs and the netflix show vibe of suspense and the sharp, cold and bleak setting is chefs kiss. changed my brain chemistry. still one of my favorite portrayals of Kisara.

Maiden with Eyes of Blue -> Sometimes time needs to slow down and a single scene should be a character study/ hashing out of things you needed acknowledged by canon, the situation is ESPECIALLY dire for Seto Kaiba as ive made my feelings on his writing known many times. This is it. Kisara isnt reincarnated in this one though, but her love for him can be felt in the air. Ngl you could just incorporate this into post canon and it would be fine. canon compliant+ canon enriching.

Shades of Water, Ice, and Sky -> I'm skimming through each fic to see what they were about and i just gotta say: why so heart-wrenching if so short?? theyre in love your honor.

Their Promise: Book I -> ok gonna be honest w you i havent finished this one and the main reason is that i cant go past the SPECTACULAR first chapter. ive started and failed to draw it in its entirety. i open it, i chew on the first chapter like a rabid dog, i close it more often than not. the second reason is it has a lot more angst and heartbreak than most blueship fics do and im weak to that sort of thing. still, if we follow their ancient egypt encounter beat by beat, which is a fantastic way of following and enriching the canon, their first meeting needs to be as kids with him saving her from a cage. chefs kiss.

who are you? -> JUST the right amount of Seto Kaiba immediate fixation obsession on Kisara (which means insanely obsessed)

You Will Crave Your Ancient Roots -> this is so good and so heartbreaking man. Seto and Atem are shot back into ancient Egypt and Seto is only able to slightly alter the events around Kisara. hes fated to fall for that woman every single time and *starts sobbing*

Ancient Rules -> all i gotta say is this Seto Kaiba gives me brainworms. hes chuck full of Passion and Cockiness and Insanity. blueshippers sometimes take out his insanity. he is very unsettling here i love it. Kisara is truly at his mercy..

never forget your first dream -> fem!Set and Kisara in ancient Egypt, this story twists more than just Seto's gender. im a yuri seto truther so its great to have written proof of it. jokes aside, very well characterized Set and Kisara, rich writing.

One in Forty -> pretty short but this one fundamentally changed how i viewed Kisara's canon influence over BEWD cards and her constant and unbendable favor around Seto. canon compliant + canon enriching.

ok so these are the cream of the crop for ME personally, might have forgotten some in my other folders, i might have missed reading some, its probably not all encompassing. but frankly ive liked and saved fics for a single resounding line, single funny joke, one interesting implication about the story or the characters the author wrote up so in my heart theyre all worth checking out, always. fanfic writers are carrying this ship on their backs and theyre all 9 ft tall and im just walking around them, clearing the path, giving them a sip of water and snacks etc. so THANK YOU BLUESHIPPING AUTHORS I LOVE YOUUUUUU

[roseworth]

Wait, I’m confused do you or do you not ship Jayrose?

short answer: usually no but ill ship it when its funny

long answer:

most of the reason i dont personally like it is because i see rose as a lesbian and i dont enjoy any ships of her with men (its fine if other people do! its just not my thing), plus i hc jason as aroace so im also not very interested in jason ships unless im in a very specific mood (the "specific mood" being jaykyle lmao. every few months i get really obsessed with jaykyle for a few days then i forget about it for the next few months. then the cycle repeats)

another reason i dont like it is that i am constantly in fear of rose becoming Jason's Girlfriend in comics and online. like how babs and kory are both seen as Dick's Girlfriend (also steph and tim to a lesser degree atm) and people refuse to engage with their character not in reference to their boyfriend, so writers have them constantly mention their relationship with dick even in comics that hes not in (like batgirls having dick show up randomly/birds of prey (1999) having babs talk about dick alllll the time, or kory in the current blue beetle run constantly mentioning dick even though theyre not dating rn and jaime has never even met dick). and thats somewhat starting to happen with rose where shes only in comics that jason is in and if jasons not in it then jason gets mentioned (see: catwoman #62). and obv as a rose fan i really don’t want that to happen because she’s such a great character outside of jason and i don’t want her to be reduced to just who she is with him. this is mostly me overreacting, especially since she had a miniseries just last year that jason was not in or mentioned at all. but being a fan of a female comic character means that most people are not willing to talk about her without mentioning her relationship with a man, and its even worse when the man is a batboy so i’m constantly on alert

so basically thats why it puts a bad taste in my mouth, but i have no issue with the ship itself or anyone who ships it!

i think jason & rose are extremely compatible. i see them as bffs but i genuinely do think about them in a relationship a lot even though i dont necessarily ship it. im rotating both of them in my mind 24/7 so i think about how i think they would act in a relationship & how it would ideally be done in canon. but i just dont trust any comic writers to actually respect rose

the reason i said that jayrose is one of the only jason ships that matters is because most jason ships are soooo bad... i wont name names but some jay ships rely on one or both of them being extremely out of character for it to work at all. in terms of jason ships, jayrose is one of the best just because a) an in-character jason AND an in-character rose would genuinely get along really well and b) none of the stories that they've been in have really been THAT out of character (with the exception of gotham war imo, which i went into here so i wont beat a dead horse. dceased was pretty bad too but that’s tom taylor’s fault it has nothing to do with jayrose). also unlike many other jason ships, a good portion of the people that ship jayrose are the ones who actually read the comics so it tends to be an actual Nuanced and Accurate portrayal. ofc there are many exceptions to that but as of rn jayrose is not one of the Certified Batfam Ships (you know those ships that are the only ships that fanon fans know about so whenever they want to give their fav a boyfriend they shove em with another character they know nothing about. like dick/wally where people say "well they were friends in yja thats enough for me" and they havent read anything with wally in it besides dick/wally fanfic and they dont care about him outside of his relationship with dick), so theyre somewhat safe. but unfortunately because of titans tv its also shipped by The Worst Man You've Ever Met so. you win some you lose some ig

it bothers me when people claim that they dont like jayrose because they "dont like what it does to rose" ???? literally when has jayrose ever been bad for rose. her worst out of character moments have nothing to do with jason in any way. she doesnt get sidelined for him and she doesnt get reduced to a damsel in distress or something. its annoying to me that people feel the need to make up an excuse for why they dont like the ship so they use rose as a scapegoat and pretend that theyre doing it for her when they actually dont know anything about her. just say you dont like it and move on! you dont need to justify it you can just not like it

so for the most part i have no issue with it, which is why i tend to mention it when i think its funny. theres a lot of jayrose content that i enjoy bc theyre fun together and i like seeing them interact! i dont ship them but i think its a good ship <3

however. despite all that i still have more thoughts. im playing devil's advocate against myself and disagreeing with everything i just said

because also. its kind of not in character for them to date. i like where they're at right now because theyre kind of in a casual thing, like theyre hanging out and having sex in the bushes but theyre not Dating. theyre not in a serious relationship that we've seen (other than gotham war but im not acknowledging that), so i like where they're at right now. hanging out, rose flirting aggressively and jason giving her next to nothing in return because he cant flirt, and probably having sex off panel*. i think theyre in a good place at the moment and i dont want it to change from exactly where it is right now in canon. *inside my head theyre actually just pals that pretend to flirt because they think its funny. they do not have sex off panel and they dont want to but the insane flirting is an inside joke that no one else thinks is funny. but thats just me

because neither of them has really shown any interest in dating (when written in character! so we're not counting rhato). the most "interested" jason has ever been in someone is minor flirting with donna in countdown. but he did not make a move on her and repeatedly said throughout that book that he was only focused on the mission and did not care about anything else. he doesnt seem to actually be interested in a relationship with anyone, partially because hes extremely emotionally closed off (to a degree. he is VERY open with his emotions, but hes not the kind of person that lets people into his life easily) and also because he just has other shit to think about. no sex only vengeance.

and ROSE. she is the most closed off person you will ever see. she will have casual sex in an effort to suppress all emotions (which i could talk about extensively. but thats not what this post is about), but she doesnt date people. the only people that she was close to being in a relationship with were eddie and hosun. with eddie, it was all flirting, emotional moments, and her pushing him away. she genuinely liked him (arguably. i could go into how its comphet but that is once again not what this is about), but she was closed off and didnt want to date him because she has so many issues. she tried to make him jealous and did her aggressive flirting thing like she does with jason, but she did not want to have an actual relationship with him. and with hosun, she once again (arguably) genuinely liked him, but she did not tell him that. she MARRIED HIM and still didnt talk to him about her feelings. he liked her and was interested in a relationship with her, but she did not want to embrace that and didnt make any effort to have a real relationship with him outside of agreeing to stay married to him after slade was arrested. she doesnt have any interest in actually dating the guys she likes, and shes so emotionally repressed that she will not make any effort to even be close with them

i hate phantom-one and i hate the idea of rose dating phantom-one but. i genuinely think their "relationship" is pretty in character for her (brisson understands her so well), because at most they have some nice conversations. shes somewhat interested in him so she'll come onto him a bit (no aggressive flirting but still), and she opens up to him when shes at her absolute lowest, then she leaves. shes more focused on what stormwatch is doing and she shows little interest in phantom-one during missions, but she likes him and oscillates between ignoring him and hitting on him. so.. out of the relationships rose has in recent canon..... i could make the argument that rose/phantom-one is more in character for her than jayrose even though i like jayrose a LOT more than i like rose/phantom-one

so yeah. its in character for them to get along. but i DONT think its in character for them to be in a serious relationship. which is another part of the reason im kinda skeptical about their relationship in canon, just because i dont want it to be an actual Relationship since it doesnt really make sense for them to actually date given... everything about them.

but again thats all just my opinion! ship whatever you want we're all just playing with dolls

[liv000000]

You reblogged a post about how fanfic writers feel discouraged over negative comments or no comments at all. I hope you haven't been receiving any nasty anons over your work. Idk if you've written for other fandoms but based on how good your HOTD fic is I'd assume you have.

The writing for Family Duty is honestly so good, it's such high quality writing as well. I haven't read fanfics in years and your work blew me away. You got into Helaena's head in a rather interesting and creative way, almost unashamed either and showed how someone as sweet as Helaena can be very nuanced (unfortunate that the HOTD showrunners are scared of that) yet it doesn't feel very OOC. As I was reading I felt dread and anxiety for her which I think is hard to elicit in writing alone. You made her feel very human (Condal could never) reminds me of how Sansa. You wrapped Helaena in many contradicting layers that just make sense for her.

Your prose is lovely and I find myself rereading your fic quite a bit during commute because of that alone. Your attention to detail is unmatched and I love how you managed to remember so many itty bits from the show and book that most people overlooked (like Alicent's reluctance/refusal to betroth her children to each other because incest = sin). you also created many lovely OCs (the ladies in waiting which...Helaena should have but show is too broke i guess).

Just wanted you to know you have a silent fan rooting for you, your fanfic healed me lol.

Sorry if my comment is clunky and not really elegant but I wanted to brighten up your day or make you feel better about your work.

(Also please don't feel like you have to rush anything. Tyt with your work assuming you're still working on it. You're the captain of your fanfic I don't want you to feel like my message is in any way pressuring you yo write or finish anything I just wanted to show you a lot of appreciation especially from a fan that never interacts with fanfics in fandom)

Aww, thank you so much. This seriously made me tear up, and I appreciate your concern deeply. I haven’t received any mean comments; all the feedback I’ve gotten, though few (for a chapter I spent four months on), has been very positive. They all praised what I worked incredibly hard on — Helaena, and her character beyond prophecies and bugs, focusing instead on her internal conflict, which is Aegon. What I was mostly speaking about is how I feel like my work hasn’t reached many people. I think this is partly because I was in another fandom beforehand, where the community was much more actively engaged and still is to this day. The HotD community, on the other hand, seemed to disappear after the finale, which I can’t blame them for, as the season was atrocious, and what they did to Team Green is unforgivable. I also recognise that I need to promote my fanfiction a bit more and make it stand out, as Ao3 is definitely oversaturated, and it’s hard to find what you’re looking for on there. My lovely friend, @immortalthunderstorm, on the other hand, has received ill-intended comments. I’ve seen how hard she works on her story, and it’s beautifully and incredibly written in every aspect. I sigh when people don’t understand what she’s aiming for in her narrative and are unkind toward her OC. I highly encourage you to read her story, as well as those of my other talented moot @serymn31. She also specialises in Helaegon and is a much faster writer than I am.

and, https://archiveofourown.org/works/55743268

I cannot thank you enough for your praise on Helaena and for noticing all the attention to detail. I spent many hours thinking about and writing this, trying to perfect everything to the best of my abilities. Knowing that it hasn’t gone unnoticed truly warms my heart. It reassures me that the time I spent wasn’t wasted, that I am a capable writer when imposter syndrome kicks in, and that I’m making people feel something in this community, which HotD, with its second season, didn’t manage to do beyond causing annoyance. I also want to thank you for comparing Helaena to Sansa. That really made me emotional, as Sansa was my comfort character when I was younger, and as I write this now, I have a little bird necklace around my neck in honour of her. It means so much to know that the connection I’ve drawn to her in Helaena resonates with others and fits the story I wanted to tell. To know it also healed something in you is so beautiful, and I cannot put my feelings into words, as they’re so profound.

Please don’t apologise for your comment. You don’t have to be silent! If you ever want to reach out for recommendations or discuss my fanfic in more detail, you’re more than welcome to do so. Part II is also more than halfway done, but it’s quite long since I struggle to write short chapters and tend to overwrite. I’m also in the middle of the first three chapters of another fanfiction, which will be much larger and more fleshed out. I’m already in love with it! It features the pairing of Aemond and Rhaena and will explore political intrigue, a cat-and-mouse game, tragedy, repressed romance, and a very unusual father-daughter relationship. I hope that interests you or anyone else on here.

You didn’t just make my day, you seriously made my week. I adore you so much for that. Thank you for bringing a smile to my face and brightening my spirits. Your support means the world to me and I’m truly grateful for it. 🩵

[kanerallels]

But You Walked In The Room And I Knew At Our First Glance, With You I Wanna Dance

@kaneraweek day 2: reunion!! I went with a unique take on the prompt, and it ended up kinda long. Hope y'all enjoy it!!

Taglist: @accidental-spice @day-to-day-thots @auroramagpie @opalknight @cassie-fanfics @ana-cantskywalker @nyxlotl (DM me or send me an ask if you want to be added or removed from the tag list!

Read on AO3!

Hera remembered her high school years fairly well. It was strange to think that it was already ten years since she’d graduated. She definitely didn’t feel old enough for that—although some days and late nights at work made her feel twice that old.

To be fair, she was a year younger than most of her classmates. She’d been a smart kid, smart enough that they’d moved her up a grade when she graduated to high school, and kept up with the other kids easily. It was those smarts that had gotten her through college if not easily, at least fairly smoothly.

And here she was, ten years after the whole experience, about to go to a reunion of her graduating class. And dreading it immensely.

“It can’t possibly be that bad,” her roommate, Omega, scoffed from where she was sitting on her bed, watching Hera get ready in the adjoining bathroom. “I mean, it’s a bunch of your friends. Aren’t you excited to see them again?”

“Some of them,” Hera admitted as she carefully applied mascara. “Lucy—she’s the one who organized the whole event—was always sweet. And it’s going to be very satisfying to see if Gabby brings Matt. They had the biggest crushes on each other back then, and now they work together.”

Omega grinned. “Nice. So what’s the big deal?”

Hera grimaced a little. “Well…”

Her friend held up a hand. “Ah, right. That guy you hate is gonna be there. I still don’t get why he’s so bad.”

Capping the mascara brush with a little more force than strictly necessary, Hera tossed it to the side. “That’s because you never met him.”

“I may as well have,” Omega remarked. Clearing her throat, she imitated Hera’s voice. “‘Kanan Jarrus was an arrogant, wise-cracking jerk who thought he was sooooo much better than all of us. I’d be glad if I never saw his stupid face again, no matter how cute I found it.’”

Shooting Omega an offended look, Hera said, “I did not find him cute.”

Omega shrugged innocently. “You talk about him an awful lot for someone who doesn’t find him cute.”

Sighing with annoyance, Hera turned back to the mirror. It was true, she’d ranted about Kanan a time or two to Omega. But in her defense, he was an obnoxious little jerk.

He’d been two years older than her, but thanks to a late birthday and homeschooling most of his life, he’d stayed back a grade. Hera’s first year of high school had been his first year as well, and they’d immediately clashed.

In her defense, he’d acted like he knew everything and took nothing seriously. And worst of all, despite seeming to ignore all the school work they were given, Kanan had matched Hera at every test and quiz. It had infuriated her, and she’d done everything in her power to defeat him at every turn.

This had continued throughout high school—to their friend’s dismay—and into the first year of college, when they discovered they’d gone to the same school. But then, a few months into her sophomore year, Hera’s mother had fallen ill. Hera had raced home, just in time to say goodbye.

It had been hard to go back after the funeral. But she’d forced herself to, regardless. The thought of Kanan getting ahead was a keen motivation.

But then she’d come back, and Kanan was gone.

At the time, she’d simply thought, good, and moved on. Later, she’d thought to wonder where he’d gone—but schoolwork and life was all consuming. Hera didn’t have time to look up someone who’d annoyed her most of her life.

(not all of it, she had to admit, if only to herself. There were times when Kanan had been…not awful. But she didn’t spend much time dwelling on that.)

Finishing her makeup, Hera turned to face Omega and spread her arms. “Well? How do I look?”

Her friend scrutinized her, taking in her outfit—a soft orange dress that contrasted her green skin beautifully, with a full skirt and wide sleeves that hit just above her elbows, one slightly off the shoulder. Nodding in approval, Omega said, “I’m so glad you let us convince you to wear a dress.”

Grimacing, Hera said, “I’d better not regret it by the end of the night.”

Omega headed with her out into the main room of their apartment, where Hera slid on her boots and grabbed her purse and a jacket. As she pulled it on, she told Omega, “If I text you the code phrase, call me and make up some excuse to get me home.”

Laughing, Omega said, “I’m sure it won’t be that bad. Have a good time.”

“I wouldn’t bet on it,” Hera muttered darkly as she headed out the door.

~~~

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look this nervous.”

Kanan glared at the grinning face of his friend, Kelly Severide. The other man looked far too amused about this situation. “I’m not nervous.”

This was a complete lie. Kanan was definitely nervous, and they both knew it. They both knew exactly why. Severide had been a year ahead of him in their high school, but they’d been pretty good friends. He’d even been there when Kanan had realized—

Enough of that. The more you think about her, the more nervous you’ll be.

“I can see you trying not to think about it,” Severide observed. “You know, I’m not exactly a great example of working through your feelings, but if you want to talk about it—”

“I’m fine,” Kanan cut him off. “Remind me why you’re coming to this event again? This isn’t your class.”

“Cause Lucy invited me. And I’m invested,” Severide added, wiggling his eyebrows. Kanan chose to ignore it.

The two of them were driving together, in Severide’s Mustang, to the event center where the Lothal City High School’s Class of ‘15 Reunion was happening. It was going to be a great event, Kanan was sure of that. Lucy, the organizer, had always been good at that kind of thing.

That wasn’t why he was nervous. He was nervous because he was about to see, for the first time in years, someone who was…important seemed a strange word for it. Hera Syndulla had shaped so much of his formative years, pushing him to work harder than he would have otherwise.

He’d kind of hated her for a couple years. She’d seemed so obnoxiously sure that she knew everything, and Kanan hadn’t been in a great place when he’d had to leave his peaceful existence as a homeschooler to head into high school. So he’d pushed back, and found that irritating her was an outlet. One that turned out to be kind of fun.

But also, just because he’d been homeschooled didn’t mean he was going to let some prodigy school him. Kanan had been ahead of almost everyone in their school, with the exception of Hera. They’d competed fiercely for the three years they’d been in school together.

And yet, that last year, things had felt different. Kanan hadn’t really been able to put a name to it for a while. Certain friends of his (namely, Severide, and his best friends Matt and Andy) had claimed that Kanan had a crush on Hera. Kanan had scoffed and ignored the commentary.

And then they’d wound up at the same college, with Hera the only familiar figure in a school full of strangers, and Kanan had started to wonder if there was a reason he listened more closely when she raised her hand in class, or why his eyes always managed to find her in a crowd.

He really hated it when Severide was right.

But just as he started thinking about it, things had changed.

(He’d seen Hera slip out of class ten minutes before it finished, and headed after her, figuring he’d offer her his notes and maybe a few teasing comments. See if he could make things a little less tense between them.

But then he’d found her in an empty hallway, clutching her phone with a death grip and staring at the wall. And the look in her eyes…Kanan knew it all too well. He’d felt it, seen it in his grandfather’s face when he’d gotten the news about Depa.

“Are you okay?” he asked, throwing aside any pretense as he approached.

Hera looked up, and for a moment Kanan wondered if she was going to punch him. But then her face crumpled and the tears spilled forth. “It’s my mom,” she whispered, choking back a sob.

And Kanan, despite their animosity, despite how much he knew she didn’t like him, felt his heart break a little for her in that moment. Stepping forward, he’d pulled her into a hug, and let her just cry.)

Hera had left the school to go see her mother. She’d only been gone for a few weeks when Kanan found himself leaving the school behind, too. And he was leaving for good—the fire academy he’d taken a test for had accepted him, and he needed to be there ASAP. So Kanan had left, finishing his associates degree online, and went to become a firefighter.

Overall, it turned out well. He loved what he was doing now, and he probably wouldn’t have had the patience for three more years of that school. But Kanan had never seen Hera again, and there were many times he wondered, with a twinge, what would have happened if he’d stayed. He knew vaguely where she was at, thanks to mutual friends, but they hadn’t seen each other in nine years.

And, as Severide pulled into the parking lot, that was about to change.

They parked, and Kanan bailed out of the car before Severide could start joking about being his wingman or something like that—he really needed to remember to not tell Severide about things like this—and headed toward the building. The nervousness built in his chest, but he wasn’t about to give in to it.

The curiosity was stronger, anyway. For the most part. He stopped at the door and glanced back to see if Severide was keeping up. He was only a few steps behind him, and was wearing a decidedly obnoxious grin. “In a hurry for some reason?”

“I just didn’t want to be stuck in a car with you anymore,” Kanan informed him, pulling the door open. “Ready to go?”

“Absolutely. Hey, you want me to talk you up in there? I can be a great wingman—”

“We both know that is absolutely not true,” Kanan told him. “So don’t even think of it.”

Severide laughed, and then they were inside.

The room was tastefully decorated, with hanging lights, a “Class of ‘15” banner hanging from the ceiling, and tables surrounded with folding chairs clustered here and there. A long buffet table outlined the far wall. There were already quite a crowd of people here, and Kanan vaguely recognized some of them. He hadn’t been close to many of the people in his grade, though.

“There’s Matt and Gabby,” Severide said, and Kanan followed his gesture to where the couple were standing by the buffet table, arm in arm. “How many people do you think have said “I told you so” about the dating thing so far?”

Kanan started to answer—and then his words stuck in his throat as he spotted the two women talking with Matt and Gabby.

The first he vaguely registered as being Lucy, the woman who’d set up the whole reunion. She’d been friends with almost everyone in their grade, despite not being the most popular among them, and had stayed more connected than anyone else.

And then next to her, in an orange dress that lit up like a sunrise against her green skin, was Hera Syndulla.

She was…different. Taller, and looked stunningly elegant and self-assured. The warmth of the smile she directed at Lucy was enough to stop Kanan dead in his tracks and…kriff. Even from a distance he could hear her voice. There weren’t enough words in the galaxy to describe that voice—like the song of a violin’s strings, pulling him toward her.

He was pretty sure Severide was laughing at him from next to him, but suddenly, Kanan wasn’t sure he cared. “You okay?” his friend asked.

Words fail me. “Fine,” Kanan said, tearing his gaze away from Hera. Come on, Jarrus, get it together. Just because she’s beautiful doesn’t mean she doesn’t hate you. And maybe she’s a terrible person now, who isn’t smart and witty and passionate about what’s right.

And maybe I’m about to sprout wings and fly out of here. “If I start to say anything too stupid,” he told Severide, “hit me.”

Grinning, Severide said, “You got it, buddy.”

Taking a deep breath, Kanan headed toward the group across the room. Here goes nothing.

~~~

So far, the event actually wasn’t that bad. It was good to see some of her friends again—Matt and Gabby were adorable together, and Lucy was busy regaling them with horror stories from her job. Hera was finally starting to relax and enjoy herself.

And then. A voice that was familiar and yet…not. Older and deeper, without any of the cracks of youth.

“Hey.”

Hera spun around, and her heart jumped into her throat. She’d recognize that smile anywhere, no matter how much the man wearing it had changed.

And he had changed a lot. Kanan had used to be her height, maybe a little taller. Now he was at least as tall as Matt, dark hair swept back in a ponytail. He had a goatee, and was wearing a dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up. And he looked…good. To Hera’s absolute mortification, she felt herself blush, and prayed it wasn’t obvious.

“Hey, Kanan,” Matt said, giving him a wave. “Hera, Lucy, did you know Kanan’s working with us now? Transferred over to our station…when was it?”

“About two months ago,” Kanan said. He looked as infuriatingly at ease as he always had, and Hera felt a reassuring spark of annoyance. That’s more like it. “Pretty sure Severide had something to do with it, though.”

“I will neither confirm nor deny that.” Hera’s gaze flashed to his companion—Kelly Severide, who’d been a year older than them and close friends with Kanan. His trademark grin, which exuded both cockiness and a friendly demeanor, was in place, and he was dressed more casually than anyone else in the building.

“Why am I not surprised that you’re here?” she said. “Considering this isn’t your actual graduating class.”

Severide shrugged. “You guys are more interesting than anyone else in my class. No offense, Casey.”

Matt laughed. “None taken. I’d rather hang out with you guys anyway.” Hera saw the way Gabby settled a little closer to him at his words, and held back a grin. Almost automatically, she exchanged a look with Kanan—who she’d never been friends with, but everyone in their class had bemoaned Gabby and Matt’s cluelessness over the years.

Their eyes met for a moment, and Hera forced herself not to look away. Don’t back down now, Syndulla. There was no way to get out of it without actually talking to him, unfortunately. “I never knew you were planning to be a firefighter,” she told him. Harmless enough.

“Never came up, I guess,” Kanan said with a shrug. “I never would have made it without you there pushing me, though.”

Well. That’s…unexpected. Why was he acting so…humble, almost? Not as prickly and overly confident as he had been as a kid, always interrupting in the middle of classes or getting on her nerves.

Maybe because he’s not a teenage boy with a chip on his shoulder, a more reasonable side of her brain whispered. He’s grown up. Into a man—one who’s not exactly terrible looking, either.

Oh, none of that, she scolded herself. Maybe this wasn’t her reasonable side after all.

Before she could even think of something else to say, the lights went out, and the entire room was plunged into darkness.

~~~

As darkness dropped over them, startled voices rang out and Kanan bit back a groan. This is so on brand for our life. He heard Severide curse, and a few seconds later a phone light flashed to life, nearly blinding Kanan.

It illuminated Hera’s face, a deep frown twisting her face. “Lucy, tell me you were allowed to plug in all those lights.”

“I…didn’t ask.” Lucy admitted. “I didn’t think it would be a big deal.”

“Probably just a blown fuse, in that case,” Matt guessed. “Kanan, go check that out. We’ll try and keep things from blowing up down here.”

“On it, Lieutenant,” Kanan told him.

“I’ll go with you.”

Hera’s voice was the exact last one he’d expected to hear, and Kanan threw her a startled look. “Um…”

“I went to school for mechanical engineering,” she told him with a touch of irritation that was so familiar Kanan almost laughed. Only almost, because that would get him punched in the face. “Whatever happened, it might be helpful to have someone who knows what they’re doing.”

“Fair enough,” Kanan said, deciding it really wasn’t worth a fight. “Okay, we’ll be right back. Uh—Lucy, where’s the breaker box?”

“The place is only one floor, so…somewhere on the south side of the building?” Lucy offered. “I didn’t see it when I took the tour, so it’s somewhere out of the way. It’s not that big, so it shouldn’t be too hard to find.”

“Got it,” Kanan said. Pulling out his own phone and switching on the flashlight, he remembered a doorway on the far side of the room he’d spotted earlier and started toward it.

And then stopped, realizing Hera wasn’t following him. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw her talking to Gabby, frowning fiercely. Finally, she gave a quick nod, and turned to head after Kanan.

Interesting. Kanan briefly contemplated asking what that was about, but decided to not push his luck. Instead, he waited for her to catch up with him. “Ready?” he asked.

“Ready,” Hera said, and they headed through the crowd to the far side of the room.

Things were already a mess—people panicking, pushing into others. Kanan had to stop multiple times to calm down a few people. Hera helped with that, and Kanan was surprised at how quickly people listened to her. Her calm, authoritative tone pulled many a former classmate out of a panicked state by the time they’d made it to the far side of the room.

“I’m officially impressed,” Kanan told her as he tried the door. It swung open, and he breathed a quiet sigh of relief. “Where’d you learn crowd control like that?”

“The military,” Hera told him, stepping through the door he held open for her, and Kanan’s eyebrows shot up.

“I…didn’t know you were interested in that,” he said, following her through the door and into an empty, dark hallway. “Back in high school, anyway.”

Hera shrugged, holding up her phone to illuminate the hall. “It helped pay my way through college after…well, I needed the free tuition. And I always wanted to do something to help people.”

“That, I remember,” Kanan said, a smile pulling at the corner of his mouth as memories whispered through his mind. “With the amount of actual physical fights you got into, I’m shocked you were the valedictorian.”

“Not for lack of trying on your part,” Hera quipped as they kept moving. “You were certainly motivated to get there before me.”

“Nah, not valedictorian,” Kanan said. “I definitely didn’t have what it took to make a speech in front of everyone. You were way better for that. I just wanted to beat you at everything else.”

Hera laughed, and Kanan felt like his heart could take flight. He’d never made her laugh before, and he suddenly thought he’d do anything to hear the sound again. “Oh, is that all?”

“That’s all,” Kanan agreed, pausing to squint at a door. Satisfied it wasn’t what he was looking for, he kept going, adding, “I rarely succeeded, though.”

He heard Hera make a soft, thoughtful noise. “You’re so much less—you’re different than I remembered.” 

Kanan couldn’t quite hold back a snort of amusement as they turned a corner. “You mean less obnoxious, don’t you?”

“I didn’t say that,” Hera said. “But now that you mention it…”

“Oh, thanks,” Kanan said, unable to hold back a grin. “But you’re not wrong, I was kind of a pain when I was a kid. Especially then. I was ticked off about being shoved into the public school system and being looked down on just because the way I had learned was different than everyone else. You…kind of happened to be an easy target because you were just as ready to pick a fight as I was. And after a while it got kind of fun.”

He heard Hera let out a scoff. “Oh, very flattering.”

“Hey, you just called me obnoxious,” Kanan pointed out. “Fair is fair.” He paused at a new junction, pointing his phone light toward a nearby door. “Huh. Utilities—that could be it.”

“Let’s check it out,” Hera agreed.

The door turned out to be locked. But Hera dug through her purse and produced a mini tool kit. With the contents, they managed to pick the lock.

“I still can’t believe you carry a tool kit with you everywhere,” Kanan said, pushing the door open. The room inside was dark, but he lifted his phone, illuminating the wall, and—bingo. Breaker box.

“Let’s just say I’ve learned it’s better to be safe than sorry,” Hera told him wryly. “And as a firefighter, you should know it’s smart to be prepared.”

“Oh, I do,” Kanan assured her, pulling open the panel and shining his light on it. “I just don’t expect everyone else to be. I should have known better when it comes to you, though.”

“You should have,” Hera agreed. “Do you actually know what you’re doing over there?”

“More or less, yeah.”

“That’s reassuring,” Hera quipped. “Move over, I’ll take a look.”

“All yours.” Kanan shifted to the side, keeping the light on the interior of the panel as Hera slid into the gap, inches away from him as she studied the controls. Inches that Kanan found himself suddenly all too aware of.

~~~

There was absolutely nothing to think about being inches away from Kanan Jarrus. It was simply a fact. There was nothing particularly unusual about it, about being able to sense him breathing, his arm brushing against hers every so often.

Focus, Syndulla, Hera told herself, studying the panel. The sooner the lights came back on, the better. That was all that was throwing her off balance, the darkness. Not Kanan, or the fact that he actually turned out to be kind and friendly and made stupid jokes at his own expense.

And now he was talking again, and Hera pulled her attention back to him.

“So, you’re in the military,” he said. “And a mechanical engineer? Are you secretly a superhero in your spare time? Dance fighter, maybe?”

Hera couldn’t hold back a laugh. “No—and I’m not on active duty,” she said. “I’m currently working at a local mechanic shop for the time being, but…I’ve got my eye on something else. We’ll see how it works out.”

“Busy as ever,” Kanan said, and she could all but hear his grin. “Maybe it’s a public school overachiever thing.”

Scoffing, Hera said, “I like to think it’s uniquely me. Why did you ever join public school if you have such disdain for it?”

“I don’t have disdain for it,” Kanan corrected her. “I just think that there are some big issues with—you know what, I’m not going into this rant right now. Anyways, it wasn’t really my choice to go to public school.”

“I think I’ve got it,” Hera said, reaching up and flipping a few switches. “Why did you have to go, then?”

He went quiet, and Hera wondered what she’d said, if he’d even heard her. Then the lights finally burst to life, and she could see his face. Serious and…sad, holding an old grief that Hera instantly recognized.

“My mom died,” he said. “And my stepdad had a full time job, and my grandpa was working as a sergeant in the LCPD back then, so…there was no one else to teach me. So into public school I went.”

Hera stared at him, shock slicing at the inside of her chest. “What—how did I never know about this?”

Shrugging, Kanan switched off his phone flashlight, pocketing it. “We weren’t exactly close back then—and I didn’t really know what to expect in public school. That first year, I…didn’t really tell anyone. Believe it or not, Severide was the first person I told.”

“What did he say?” Hera asked, finding herself dazed in the wake of his words. All this time… Looking back, she remembered him bringing his stepfather or grandfather to school events, but never his mother. And the day she’d found out that her mother was dying…he was there. This is why.

Kanan’s smile was bright, but still sad. “Offered to buy me a beer. We were seventeen at the time, as I recall.”

Hera snorted. “Sounds about right.” She paused, rallying the words she wanted to say. “I’m so sorry. That I didn’t know, and that—that I was so awful to you back then.”

Kanan laughed, and it was a real laugh. “I mean…a little, yeah. But I was awful, too. Such is the way of being a teenager sometimes. And having an archnemesis really helped take my mind off everything. So seriously, don’t worry about it. I’ll just be happy if we can be friends now.”

Friends with Kanan Jarrus. Somehow, it…didn’t sound terrible. Hera of an hour ago would scarcely have believed it, and yet? “Friends it is,” Hera agreed.

“Good,” Kanan said.

They closed up the breaker box and headed out of the room and back into the hallway. Even from a distance, Hera could hear relieved voices and the sound of music starting up. “Looks like everything’s up and running again,” she observed. “We should probably get back to the others.”

“Yeah,” Kanan said, and Hera knew the tone in his voice. She’d heard it a hundred times in high school, when he’d been about to pull some insane stunt, when he was about to figure out some way around the rules in the classroom. It was a tone that tended to herald mischief and ignoring the rules.

Spinning around, she squinted at him suspiciously. “What?”

“Nothing,” Kanan said, holding up his hands in surrender. “Just—honestly I don’t really want to go back to the party. Severide’s been driving me crazy, and I’m just…” he trailed off, and Hera saw the smallest flicker of the sadness from earlier cross his face in a heartbeat. “Not in the mood for it all,” he finished.

“Fair enough,” Hera said. “Do you have any better plans?”

Kanan’s startled gaze flicked up and met hers. “Are you saying you’re in?”

“Are you saying you have a plan?” Hera countered.

The corner of his mouth tipped upward. “I’m saying I have a mechanical engineer with a tool kit, and…” he trailed off, pointing at a nearby door.

Hera glanced at it, reading the sign on it. Roof access: employees only. “You’re crazy.”

“Maybe a little,” Kanan said, his grin widening. “Well?”

Kriff. How was it that over the course of an hour or so, the idea of hanging out on a roof with Kanan Jarrus had somehow become appealing? But…she wanted to spend more time with him. Ask him more questions, see him smile more.

She’d definitely lost her mind. “Let’s do it.”

~~~

The roof of the building wasn’t too far off of the ground, which did cut down on the appeal a little. But when Kanan finally got the door open, a fresh breeze cut across his face and it was worth it.

(somehow, having to admit what had happened to his mother had locked iron bands around his chest, and Kanan couldn’t bring himself to go back to laughing and joking with the others. He needed to breathe, to be away from everyone else.

Well. Almost everyone else.)

Crossing her arms, Hera shivered a little as she stepped out onto the rooftop behind him. It was already getting dark, the last of the sunlight bleeding away behind the horizon. “Remind me why I went along with this plan?”

“Well, you never went along with any of my plans in high school,” Kanan pointed out. “Consider this an opportunity to make up for all that.”

“I still think most of those plans were nuts,” Hera said, pulling her arms tighter to herself as another breeze whisked past them.

Snapping his fingers, Kanan said, “I knew I should have worn that suit coat after all. Could have done the chivalrous thing and given you my jacket.”

“And I knew I should have worn the jacket I actually brought with me,” Hera quipped. “And yet it’s sitting safely inside where I don’t need it.”

“We all have regrets,” Kanan said, and Hera rolled her eyes at him. “Come on—I bet we can get out of the wind over there.”

The roof was crisscrossed with big silver vent shafts, and they headed to the far side of one, settling on the roof behind it to shelter themselves from the wind. Letting his head drop back against one, Kanan squinted up at the sky. “Shouldn’t be too long before the stars come out.”

Hera dropped down next to him. “Why in the name of the Force did I think it was a good idea to wear this dress?”

Kanan couldn’t quite resist a glance toward her— skirts tucked around her legs, one of her lekku resting on her bare shoulder. How could she look so perfectly at ease, yet stunning at the same time? “You look amazing.” The compliment slipped out before he could think better of it, and he didn’t really want to.

She flicked a glance at him, and Kanan’s heart skipped a beat. Then she rolled her eyes. “It’s too cold for me to deal with you making fun of me.”

She wasn’t wrong about the cold—it was early autumn, but there was already a nip in the air that promised frost on the way. Even in long sleeves, Kanan was cold. But it was worth it, in his mind.

“Just think,” he mused. “Ten years ago around this time of year, we were probably already a month or so into school. Determined to destroy each other at all cost. Those were the days.”

Letting out a snort of amusement, Hera shifted a little closer to him. When Kanan glanced at her, she scowled at him. “You’re warm, and it’s freezing out. Don’t judge me.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Kanan said, holding back a laugh. “You’re yelling at me—now it really feels like high school.”

Hera scoffed. “Oh, we never would have hung out like this back then. Not without me trying to toss you over the edge of the building.”

It’s true, Kanan thought. They never would have sat like they did now, arms brushing, Hera’s fingers nearly touching his. Suddenly, he didn’t miss high school at all.

“So,” Hera said. “I don’t think I ever heard why exactly you just disappeared from our college.”

“And you must have missed me so much,” Kanan teased, and Hera rolled her eyes. Turning serious, Kanan explained, “I got into a really good fire academy I’d applied to across the country. It was leave for the training sessions then or wait for the next class, so I went. Finished my degree online, got certified as an EMT when I was done with that.”

“You’re an EMT, too?” Hera said, raising an eyebrow.

“Not professionally, I’m just certified.”

Shaking her head, Hera said, “Between the two of us, we might have enough random skills to fix the world.”

“Nice,” Kanan said. “Now we just need a friend willing to take over and put us in charge.”

Hera laughed. “Brilliant plan. Oh—look, the first star!”

For a moment, they fell silent, watching the stars slowly flicker to life in the darkening sky. Kanan felt Hera shiver next to him, and, after a moment of indecision, lifted his arm and slipped it around her shoulders.

He felt her stiffen a little, and paused. “Is this okay? I just thought—”

“It’s fine,” Hera assured him, settling a little closer to him. Kanan felt his heart skip a beat, then start pounding harder than ever as her head settled right next to his shoulder. “I grew up where 60 degrees was cold, and I’ve never really been able to shake that,” she told him, letting out a sigh. “Not exactly convenient.”

“I can imagine,” Kanan said, unable to tear his eyes away from her. Even in the dim light, he could see the patterns on her lekku, could smell her soap. “Hey,” he said. “Remember like an hour ago when you hated me?”

He felt the warm chuckle Hera let out before he heard it. “Yeah, well, you’re warm and this rooftop isn’t. So don’t read too much into it.”

“I wouldn't dream of it. You want to go back inside?”

“Not yet.”

The sky grew darker, and the stars multiplied. Staring up at them, Kanan said, “Remind me, you had an astronomy phase, right?”

“You could say that,” Hera agreed. “Why?”

“Just wondering if you remembered any of the constellations. My mom taught me a lot of them,” he told her, wondering why even as he spoke. As a rule, Kanan talked about Depa to exactly three people—Mace, Gray, and his therapist. But here he was, reliving memories with a woman who’d hated him for years. A woman who he found it all too easy to talk to. “We borrowed a telescope from a family friend once, and looked at all of them, at the moon. I dropped it when we were bringing it inside, and broke the lens. But Mom—” Kanan stopped, feeling his throat tighten. “She said it was fine. Told the friend she broke it, so I wouldn’t feel bad. She always had my back, even if she made me help pay for it.”

Letting out a shaky laugh, he pressed his eyes closed against the blurring stars. “Sorry. I don’t know why—you’re easy to talk to, I guess.”

Hera didn’t say anything for a moment. “I get it,” she said quietly. “It sneaks up on you. My mom’s been gone since college, but I—I still miss her. I still want to tell her everything. I’m not really as close to the rest of my family—my brother’s been in Europe for a long time now, and my father is…difficult to get along with. I miss having someone I can tell anything to without worrying I’ll be belittled or made fun of.”

“Anyone who belittles you is out of their mind,” Kanan said heartfeltly. “You can and always have done everything you set your mind to. Except beat me in that math final.”

“Don’t make me rethink being friends with you,” Hera warned him.

“Oh, we’re friends now?”

“Not if you keep pushing it.”

“Understood.”

They fell silent again, watching the stars for a while. “Thanks for listening,” Kanan finally said. “I don’t…really talk about my mom with people that often. Most of my coworkers and friends didn’t know her, and I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse. I don’t think I’ve even told my grandfather that story.”

“Your secret’s safe with me,” Hera told him, and Kanan smiled.

“Thanks, Hera.”

“Anytime,” she said, and there was something in her voice that Kanan didn’t quite understand. 

Glancing at her, he squinted, trying to read the emotion on her face in the darkness. “You okay?”

“Fine,” Hera said. “Just—oh, kriff, I cannot believe I’m telling you this.”

“Telling me what?” Kanan asked slowly.

Her grimace was obvious even in the shadows as she squared her shoulders. “I’m thinking about applying for a job at NASA.”

Kanan’s eyebrows shot upward. “NASA?”

“Yeah,” Hera said. “I originally applied to be an aerospace engineer, but I…okay this is stupid. But when I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut and it still sounds like it would be an incredible career, and if you’re going to laugh at me just get it over with—”

“I’m not laughing,” Kanan told her immediately. “You’re talking to the guy who grew up to become a firefighter, remember? Being an astronaut sounds incredible, and you’d be amazing at it.”

Hera sent him a skeptical sideways glance. “You just saw me again for the first time in eight years, and you already know that?”

“You’ve always been good at whatever you set your mind to,” Kanan told her, hoping his sincerity came forth in his words. “Even back in high school. Except, of course—”

“Do not bring up the math test.”

“Shutting up now.”

Hera laughed, and was silent for a moment. “I haven’t told anyone about this,” she told him. “Not even my roommate, Omega. I don’t know why I told you.”

“I’m glad you did,” Kanan told her, and caught the flash of white that was her smile.

They stayed like that for a while longer, watching the stars and just…talking. Catching up on pieces of the past eight years, and slowly getting to know each other as friends. Not enemies, not teenagers bent on destroying the other.

Just friends. Mostly. Because when they got up to go inside, driven in by freezing cold wind and a dozen increasingly dramatic texts from Severide, Kanan offered Hera his hand, helping her to her feet. And when she took it, she didn’t let it go until they finally reached the door and stepped inside.

~~~

Usually, Hera hated it when she was wrong. Generally it was for work stuff, and she had to redo something she’d been working on for days now.

But right now, heading into the parking lot with her hands tucked into the pockets of her jacket, she was more than happy to be wrong.

It turned out Kanan wasn’t an insufferable jerk. Not any more, at least. He was…a friend. Who’d encouraged her, teased her, and maybe made her blush a little bit when he told her she looked nice.

If younger me could see me now, Hera thought wryly. She was okay with that, though. After all, what was growing up but readjusting your perspective time after time? Now Kanan was in her life again, even as a friend, and—

Wait.

He was in her life. But how exactly were things supposed to stay that way? She knew he worked at the same firehouse as Matt, Gabby, and Severide, but not how to contact him. She certainly didn’t have his phone number, and it was shocking to admit that she wanted it. And a little embarrassing.

But sometimes you had to be a little embarrassed for a good cause.

Turning, Hera stared across the parking lot. The gathering had broken up not long after they came in, and she’d lost Kanan in the crowd. If she remembered right, he’d come with Severide. You’d think I could spot one ridiculously tall firefighter in a crowd…

But there was no sign of him, and Hera pushed back an unreasonable pang. She could always reach out to Gabby or one of the others if necessary. It certainly wouldn’t be eight years again, not if she could help it.

Pretending she wasn’t still looking for any sign of him, she turned and headed toward her car.

She’d made it to her car, and was digging for her car keys when she heard a shout behind her. Instinctively, Hera spun toward it, her hand slipping into her purse—and then someone crashed into her.

She stumbled, nearly toppling backward, but a strong arm around her waist caught her, pulling her upright and face to face with Kanan. “Sorry,” he said, breathing hard. “Thought I was gonna miss you.”

“So the solution was to barrel into me at top speed?” Hera asked, lifting an eyebrow and pretending like a smile wasn’t struggling its way to the surface.

Kanan must have been able to tell, though, because he grinned back. “It worked, didn’t it?” He seemed to realize he was still holding her, and let go, stepping back a little. “Look, last time we went our separate ways, we didn’t talk for eight years. I don’t know about you, but—”

“I don’t want that, either,” Hera told him, and a brilliant smile spread across Kanan’s face.

“Good. Then, uh, can I ask for your number?”

“After all that, I think it would be heartless to say no,” Hera said dryly, digging inside her purse. Producing her wallet, she pulled out one of the business cards from the mechanic shop she worked at, and a pen, and scribbled down her number. Presenting it to him, she said, “Try and use it wisely.”

“I wouldn’t dream of doing otherwise,” Kanan said gravely, accepting the card. The smile he wore and the way he studied the card undercut the tone somewhat, and Hera couldn’t hold back a chuckle.

“It was good to see you again,” she told him, and meant it.

“It was good to see you, too,” Kanan said, and smiled at her in a way that made her heart flutter. You really are crazy, Syndulla. First astronaut school, now this.

But who knows? She thought as he strolled away, a spring in his step. Stranger things have happened.