#ill be talking to myself like “theres no real reason not to do chores”

[countv0ncunt]

Hey people with chronic back pain how do you do anything at all ever

[zhuhongs]

i think abt this a lot but the reason i talk here so much is Because i dont talk to anyone irl. its easier to be candid here, because its unobtrusive.

i dont force any of you to listen to me talk abt my day. i talk to myself and post it here where you all can see it but can all easily scroll past it too. its not a bother. in my real life, idk i just always grew up feeling like a bother. even now. i tell my mom or brother about my day and 8ts like its a chore for them. in high school my mom used to pick me up after she got out of work and we had a long car ride bc o went to school out of my district and every day i got in the car i asked her how her day was and stuff like that. and she never asked back. she never took an interest in my life. even as a kid really. and id just talk to myself. in the shower, in my room, everywhere. and she always just said i was weird yk. like "do you always talk to yourself sage?" "yes" i answered back. what i shouldve added was, "because you never ask me how i am" and i said this once, much gentler, much more roundabout and she got mad. she always did this. my mom is one of those people you could stand right in front of, look straight in the eye, and ask a question to in a big voice and she wont answer you. she wont look at you and if she does its like she's looking through you. my dad always complained about this and i think its the one thing i can agree with my dad about. it hurt a lot. so i just dont talk to people irl really. there really feels like theres no point. i talk to my friends and all but i cant really ever be vulnerable truly except on here. because theres no captive audience. none of you have to read this. and in fact maybe no one will read to this point. i dont read everything ppl wrote. even posts i like, i dont always take in every single word. and thats the beauty of being online. youre not required to do so. so yea. i talk here a lot but its a lot safer. i really think when i move out ill heal a lot more. i cant bear to be with my mom. despite all her best attempts to be there for me she rlly wasnt all that there. she was good. she was a good mom with all things said and done. but all parents ruin their children. even just a little bit. even now, i cant sleep well when shes home. i always want her gone. i want to live alone for the rest of my life. i want to see ppl often but if i never get married and never move in with anyone ever, i think id be content with that really. or maybe not but soon i think i really need to evaluate how my upbringing has shaped me. i didn't plan to write all of this. and i started crying a lot realizing hiw withdrawn I've been all my life. its to the point where i cant recognize myself. its a weird feeling. this is no way to end this but perhaps it doesn't need to end properly anyways.

[strawberryspeachy]

I have so many time periods in my life that were fucking miserable (my whole life so lol) but most of them im like

Man. I wish i could go back with the knowledge i have now and change shit

But my senior year of college still takes the cake. I would not repeat that fucking year given the chance. I legit for real am npt exaggerating at all when i say I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I GRADUATED. What strength i had. How did i do it??

I lost all of my friends. I lived with girls who made me feel worse about myself. My classes were super difficult and busy. My mom had finally admitted to me that she knew she was forgetting things.

I BECAME bulimic. That wasnt something i did before that year. Bulimic to the point where if i ate more than one peice or bread i felt guilty. Sometimes i coild rationalize to myself that i ate a healthy and appropriate meal but after 20 minutes id start panicking. That i HAD TO go throw it up. I HAD TO. if i didnt id regret it so i hadddd toooo

I didnt eat some days

And it went beyond the point of. All i have is my skinny body. It went to i hate myself and my life and i deserve to suffer. I dont deserve food. If i keep doing this maybe my body will fuck up enough that i die.

And speaking of death. It was the first time i fully tried to kill myself. I played with the idea before. Id do risky things on the off chance that id die doing it. Sometimes risky enough that i was surprised i even did it and got really scared afterwards thinking about ever doing them again. But id never made a plan. Got materials. And tried and fell asleep thinking id really never wake up. And i did it a couple times. And honestly i think i killed a part of me that year.

I cried all the time. I was just a zombie with a painted smile on my face so i could get help in class from other people. But i never actually smiled. And the second i walked in my room id start crying. All that bottled up energy released. And there was too much.

I used to fall out of my chair cause i was crying so much and id just roll around on the floor and then yell at myself to get my ass back in the chair and to keep studying. And i did. And id keep crying. And i kept studying.

And i took adderal several times a week. It wasnt even working. But it had a crack effect on me and would make me really happy and optimistic for no reason

I dont remember ever feeling confident in my studys. I walked into every exam terrifyed.

I was scared the entire year that i was gonna fail.

I was so out of it that i didnt even notice the stress permanently altered my apperance. Eveyone said i grew up. No the stress aged me. I didnt notice my hair fell out or how my chin seemed to grow. Or how my skin greyed

Theres no way to make thay year better. That was an awful year.

I have no point in this.

Just like that year and the two following it... which... issss 2014-2015-2016 to 2017

Like id completed three years of college. I had to graduate. I couldnt get out of that with a clear mind. And then coming home. None of my friends lived at home. I couldnt find a job. I took what i could get. I couldnt leave home. I had to stay for my mom. I had to and i wanted to.

Im thinking about it cause i could have immediately came to japan out of college. And i knew it then. I chose not to. I wanted to go home and be with my mom. And my family made that a nightmare. And watching her and taking care of her while she went downhill... i dont think ill be able to face those feelings... for many years to come. (I mean hopefilly not if i died while writing this id be happy) but theres really no getting around the fact that having completed my finance degree in college. My only choice was to end up as a server

My 13 year old dog died. My 18 year old cat died. My mom was shitting all over the house and refusing to sleep or eat. The woman who i hated so much that i went to work early and smiled while offering to stay later because “at least im not at home” finally died.

One day she told me she was gonna kick me out of the house (for the zillionth time) she screamed and yelled at me. And i went to work. And i came home and she was standing outside of the front door. I thought about continuing to drive and coming back later when shed moved. But for whatever reason i stopped and got out still hoping shed be gone by the time i walked up. She wasnt. She didnt even notice i was there. I was tempted to walk past her and go in. But i didnt. I asked her what was wrong. She said she could take the step to the sidewalk. And i helped her. And she rambled to me about how she thought shed be stuck there all night and how she didnt know what was wrong. The last time i saw her she had been screaming at me about how im a worthless spoiled lazy rude mean old adult acting like a baby. So. I really didnt have much sympathy to give her. I couldnt even talk. I was still mad. She thanked me. I said she was welcome. Thats all i remember. That was about 3 months before she died. If i went back to that exact moment knowing that information. I honestly dont think id change anything... she was.... so mean... so needlessly mean... im still mad about every time i was mad at her

Unlike my mom. Who i dreamed about this week. I had a dream that i was home just living my regular life in high school. And i did something. And my mom was yelling at me. And we got into an argument. Just one of those nonsense arguments that dont mean much. And in my dream i was like ugh my moms so annoying. And i woke up. And i miss her so much. What i wouldnt do to listen to my mom yell at me about something like taking too long to get ready. Or putting something in the wrong place. Or forgetting to do some chore she asked me to do. My mom with her fully functioning brain yelling at me because ive inconvenienced some plan that she has made for hersef that day. Thats shes fully capable of doing herself. And will do no matter what anyone says cause you dont mess with her schedule - you work with it.

I actually woke up and smiled. When you grow up do you ever think youll think about your parent full blown going off on you about something kinda dumb would ever make you smile...

Anyhow... that boy at work i like. I tried to be cute. He said he texts his friends back when he wants to when i pestered him about having not responded to my mesage. I was like

Oh thats the second time youve called me your friend! :) were friends :D

I just wanted a chuckle and for him to say yea yea were friends

But instead.... he said no. Were coworkers.

And i said you can be friends with your coworkers

Which led to a super long.... turned into argument...

Where he told me no. He doesnt need more friends. He only talks to me because he has to. He doesnt like me. He doesnt want to talk to me. He doesnt like when he has to talk to me. He has plenty of time to hang out with friends but not me cause im not his friend and he does not want to hang out with me. Dont ask him questions. Dont talk to him for more than a minute. He only said yes to hanging out with me because i was new to the country. His girlfriend didnt want him to and he decided he didnt want to after thinking about it. He wont change his mind. And he got really mad while telling me that his dumbass gf gets mad when i text him. And that he doesnt wanna talk to me out of work and at work only about work nothing else.

Most of that was unprovoked information. Like.. a quarter of it came from my “so were friends?” Remark. Another quarter of it came from my “coworkers can become friends” remark. And given half of it.... i brought up that he liked talking to me enough that he said he wanted to hang out with me - so you fan guess what quarter of the information came from that... oh sorry did i say quarters. I guess i meant thirds.

Extra shitty cause its a big jump from the boy who was engaging in actual conversation with me yesterday and moved so close to me that he was cms away from resting his head on me shoulder. Many times. Actually over the past couple days.

[kaiemu]

I just got home from creek, and though I have CAUGHT the worse bug ever, so far, I have not felt this sick in so fucking long. My head is dizzy even when laying down, and food i try to eat taste like cardboard, and I want to Vomit almost all the time, my skin is burning up and I have such a head ache, the sick is also fucking my dreams up alot and its SO not cool. BUT despite that I've filled out a few job applications, and I'm gonna try to work more hours at the theater, i don't want to be finicailly depedent anymore on someone. I have gotten to complacent with their help, and though yes they should help out by paying the bills here because THEY do live here, it may be time for that converstation later down the road. I'm not sure if we're gonna be okay, one weekend of love and bliss doesn't change all the other bad things that have happened. But i'm willing to give it a chance, because you are not my ex. We have never gotten that bad, and who knows, maybe we can work out, relationships are never easy It's how the two work together to stay together. If anything like before happens though I will call it quits I wont live in that cycle type anymore. I need to stay better on track with my vegan diet, I think eating foods with animal bi products are also the reason I am so flipping sick, It really hard to change you diet espeacilly when You make NO money but like I WILL FIGURE IT OUT. I believe in me, plus I know how to cook some things I just need to get over this cold and start cooking. I wanna make a direction plan, this is something for me to look back on for the next upcomming week: 1. Clean the apartment and enforce and cleaning chore sheet, or they can start looking for somehwere else to live. I NO LONGER WANT TO LIVE IN FIFLTH AND SINCE I FUCKING RE SIGNED THE LEASE AND THE ONLY ONE ON IT YALL CAN FUCKING PICK UP A BROOM AND DO SOMETHING. I am so tired of having me and my partner be the ONLY ONES WHO CLEAN ANYTHING. like ya you do your own dishes? but when was the last time the trash was taking out? your food is literally in bags on the floor? the counter been swept? clean a toilet/tub? IM TIRED OF HAVING TO MICROMANAGE PEOPLE TOO. yall are fucking adults. your dishes are requrired but like fuck if you wanna use the kitchen and bathroom CLEAN IT TOO how hard is it to fucking wipe some stuff up. mind you i am aware that ONCE IN A BLUE MOON one or two people will clean after everyeone but its NOT ALL THE TIME and if we literally just did it all the time it wouldn't be a fucking mess. /end rent/ 2. Declutter and clean my own room, my own room has gotten really messy again and like I have no room to talk if i can't even keep my own room clean but also my room is PERSONAL SPACE NOT SHARED SPACE and I need to like figure some arrangement out in here that works 3. I want to start doing yoga on a regular bases. 4. I also want to not use the interenet up to 5 to 6 hours a day. I believe social media is affecting my progress and mental health, It not the same as writing like here but just scrolling through nothing all day doing nothing. Idk i just don't think it making me progress. SO NO MORE INTERNET MORE ACTIVE THINGS DURING MY Days off. maybe ill start a cooking youtube channel or something on youtub. cause why the fuck not. 6.I want to go out on more hikes, I want to set a trip back up for it where i put in flash lights, water, and small snacks, make it light weight so when we go places we have things we need. OH THIS IS ALSO A BIG ONE I AM GONNA BE SOBER FOR THE THIS MONTH/ i want to find activites that are like fun to do sober after I get my room in order and home because I want to figure out the person I really am and I can't figure that out while drinking all the time. I AM NOT A REAL PERSON WHEN I DRINK LIKE THAT, so thats gonna be something hard, and since tbh quitting drinking as heavy as i do can be really bad I'm going to take it slow only very speacil occasions will i drink. NOW THAT MAY SOUNDS LIKE AN EXCUSE BUT REALLY IT ONLY IS FOR ME IF THERES AWLAYS A SPEACIL OCCASION AND I CAN'T THINK OF ONE UNTIL LIKE NEXT MONTH AT SOMEPOINT THERES A GATHERING OF MY FRIENDS/ ROAD JAM. BUT THATS ALSO IN LIKE A MONTH TIME SO DOES IT REALLY EVEN MATTER? i want to establish a better friend circle, and by that I need to get off social media and go back to texting or just staying on messenger, actually going out and seeing people is important too, I want to do more then what I have been doing and not in just the way I SAY IT I AM GOING TO DO IT because I believe in myself. THIS SUMMER I'M GONNA FIGURE OUT HOW TO BE THE BEST ME YET YALL CAN WATCH OUT but this is aslo a short list of i need to do that turned into a rant ooops oh well

[comatose-erection]

im having a bad mental day. just i woke up this morning and wasn’t in a good headspace, very negative and sad. it sucks that my mood really just shifts up and down so easily.

i try joining my friends on discord but they’re all on their playing a game together so i leave. theres nothing to talk about there and i cant relate. im home alone. 

im trying to stay busy and go around doing chores and cleaning but it just all piles up 1 second and i felt realllll low so i just sat on the couch and cried.. just sobbed. its overwhelming. and its like when youre having a bad day like that you just.. simultaneously want to be alone but also you want to climb outta that space so you wanna reach out.. but you also dont wanna draw attention to yourself or pull anyone down with you. you know? dont wanna be a burden. so like i dont wanna talk about the thoughts in my head or why im sad or anything, i just want to be on the phone and hear somone ramble about their day and random things and talk about what they ate and watched and small things until i climb outta the dark hole i fell into. i call my sister but for some reason the call fails. i hesitate, but i reach out to my boyfriend, asking what hes doing, hes still gaming with our friends. 

“ahh okays that’s fun. do you have any free time for a call soon“ i dont wanna out right be like im in a bad place i need you to ramble on about insiginificant things

“uh. ill let you know“ so basically no.

“do you think in the next five minutes? if not imam go do stuff off my list, like my to do list for today“ just sounding casual i just need you to real quick help me out this hole i dug myself into

“is it an urgent thing?“ so.. because hes asking me all this an he hesitated.. he probably cant be on the phone. 

“im just having a bad mental day but i think im okay now“

and thats where we’ve left it for now, just happened a few minutes ago. this isnt shade on anyone just.. venting to the nothingness of my old tumblr. im just sad and.. i guess venting on here fills that void of needing help climbing out but also.. not wanting any attention. imma just go busy myself with cleaning and stuff.. if you read this and know me please dont contact me lol just writing another entry in my public but very outdated diary.

[kendrixtermina]

Every time I think I have a handle on this infefior Fe thing or even start to consider wether I might actually be a feeler or something, a THING happens

"Sometimes I feel like you wouldn't care if I died in a ditch somewhere?" Seriously? Does he have eyes and ears in his head? This just comes out of fucking nowhere like WTF

I mean I know that relationships are supposed to be work and that there are no perfect people, but I thought Id finally found a person who actually likes me being me and gets deep stuff and now he's giving me all this vague shallow bullshit about doing my hair nice (but NOT in ways he doesnt like. Im already disentangling long hair I would otherwise never bother with every morning because of him) i lost like 15 kilos just like he wanted.

Would always listen to his - and I dont even want to be citing this like its some chore I do, i listen to him because hes an interesting person- I just thought he thought the same of me but now im wondering if he realizes im a person at all. All this whole tirade because I did not feel like fucking after an ardous journey. Like I like it aa much as he does I go along almost every time but im a *person* who is tired or busy sometimes

Yet here hes going on about how there ought to be some ill-defined "excitement" when talking to the opposite gender that he somehow says isnt there like I dont even know, or have a sense for what hes talking about

- and that compliment sandwich about "oh sure in some ways yore smarter than me" even though hes the one whose career is taking off and shit and ge tscked on "get a job"

"It shouldnt be an effort, it should just cone from you automatically" and accusing me of montrous coldheartedness just bc im busy sometimes you know just like he is

I thought he thought I was "nice" and that he admired me, I thought he liked that I didnt pry in his business and didnt mind if he spent a long time working and then sone shit about " its not like I want to go back to those vchicks who would nag me" like its a choice between cancer and aids.

Like hiw can someone who seems like such a deep person care about such shallow crap of all sudden.

Cant I just have a hunan connection without any of that shallow performative gender roles bullshit tacked on???

I really dont want to go all aggro tumblr chick on this but its making me understand the temptation

Like this has zero to do with whats going on inwardly like I know I'm not the worlds most sociable person and i might as well be blind and deaf as far as this whole social cues bullshit goes but why do people always have to conflate that with a person's feelings or lack thereof?

And that shit about how "ozs weird to stand next to you when you suddenly talk about murder".. with my own sister, who gets my humor?!

One part of me wants to freak out and do penance in a hermitage, another wants to storm out in an insulted huff but what I'm actually gonna do is probably none of those things.

I meam we kind of talked it over and communicated things im partially just venting this shit here do its out of my system and done with I realize I cant ask to br told the whole truth and then turn around a throw a tantrum

I just dont want to live with someone who thinks im sn antisocial freak, you know, just like them shoolyard bullies. Who might be the reason why I may ir may not be unreasonably touchy about this

I understand that O cant alwaxd have my will and comprpmises are part of relationships but I dont want to perform any sort extensive exhaustivr fakery in my own home, you can either have an attractive mask or a real human connection like otherwuse itd not worth it

Maybe my expectations were unrealistic like of course humans arr products of their societies theres not really any point in getting hing up on "he said this" or "she said that"

Im just such an idiotic sucker for anyone telling me im special or that theire "chosing" me ever since bloody gradeschool, I tell myself to be realistic anf not to expect the huge abd romantic but I still want to believe that its *somewhere* out there.

Im not going to make any decisions right now or do anything rash but Im also experiencing a certain degree of "UH I haze everything why is nothing ever good why doesnt life ever make sense"

I mean if hes not happy with this and we cant even get that bare minimun of communication across what is even remotely the POINT

Thats ehy I was reluctant to move in together because now it would be a huge hassle to exist snd im just going to calm down and do nothing and well just stay there being mildly but not critically miserable out of sheer inertia or at least that was the silly nightmare thst I kept telling myself was just anxious bullshit jitters that made no sense

It really makes me want to never talk to humans ever again and at the same time I just feel stupid because I realize how childish and overdramatic that seems

Its not possible not helpful so I wont actually do it but like all of this just drains my already limited energy that I could be using for useful thongs or at least to enjoy my holiday

Like I would like to claim that Im a poetic soul behind my shitty social skills but what do I even base that on? And it frightens me when people aufdenlx bring out those vsgue formless things I have no control over and treat it as if it were indicative of ME.

Thats why I always preferred to express myself in writing over the intertubes. Its not like people never misunderstanf or dislike me for that but at least its for flaws or positions that are part of my actual personality

I think im beyond all this and older and wiser and more differentiated and understand everything better but in the end im still sick of being seen as a freak and having to play all these pointless social games

[oneandonlypaper]

My Daily Routine

I’ve talked about my routine before on Instagram, but I’ve recently made a few tweaks, and I thought I’d share it here. I feel like having a solid morning routine locked down is so important to set yourself up for success during the day. My husband recently changed jobs, and with that came a pretty dramatic shift in his morning schedule, and it took me months to realize that the reason I felt so scattered and off track was that my morning was all over the place!

I wake up around 7:30 and try to get out of bed around 8 - I need a lot of sleep, and I have a hard time going to bed any earlier than 11, so I’ve just embraced that I’m a sleep monster and I don’t need to get up any earlier than that! It takes me forever to wake up, so I’ll just roll with it. Sometimes I’ll read, and other times I’ll play on my phone, which I know isn’t what you’re supposed to do but whatever. The hard line I draw is looking at work stuff. No email or todos!

I don’t spend a lot of time in the morning getting ready, usually I just wear workout clothes. I try to go to yoga classes over lunch most days, so it makes that transition a little easier/faster.

I’ll chug a glass of water, and do a few quick chores around the house - making the bed, picking things up, setting out anything I’ll need that day… I work best in a clean environment, and for whatever reason, the morning is when I have the energy to do those mindless tasks, so I try to embrace it.

Then, David and I will take Caspian for a walk. This has been a real gamechanger for me - I used to walk him in the evenings and it would always be sooo hard to drag myself away from my work, and it felt like it cut into our evening time. This way, Caspian always gets a nice long walk, and David and I have a chance to get out into the sunshine, talk about our day ahead, and get moving a little before a long day of hunching over the computer. It’s super nice.

After our walk, I start working right away - usually, it’s around 9 at this point. I have been planning out my days in advance in Asana, so I just dive right into the biggest task that I have to complete, and go from there. I’ve stopped checking my emails in the mornings, which is super hard. I realized I was addicted to my email! It triggers the same response you get when you’re playing slots - usually, there’s nothing that exciting going on in there, but every once in a while you get a real good email - praise from a client, a new client signing on, pictures from a wedding… and that rush of positive emotion keeps you going back for me. However, I realized that I ultimately didn’t feel like I was in control of my day. I was rushing from one task to another, putting out other people’s fires, or just looking at emails and not doing anything about them, and letting them take up space in my brain. Instead, now I begin by checking tasks off my daily list, and I don’t check my email until I’ve completed those tasks. I also try to use the ‘only touch it once’ rule when it comes to my email. I read it and deal with whatever associated tasks it brings up, and then get it out of my inbox. It’s helped me spend significantly less time on email, and I think my response times are probably better as well.

I’ll work until lunchtime, and then it’s time to head to a yoga class. I try to go to yoga every day, mostly because I like my schedule to be predictable. It’s a good break during the day, and it’s nice to get away from my computer and have the structure of a scheduled event keeping me on track in the morning. After yoga, I’ll shower and actually get dressed, and then eat a quick lunch.

Usually, in the afternoons, I’ll head to a coffee shop. I love working from coffee shops - something about other people being able to look at my screen helps me stay a little more focused, and I like the energy of being around other people, and the privacy of none of those people wanting or needing to interrupt me.

I usually stop working around 6 or 7, depending on what my schedule is looking like that day. I am most productive in the late afternoons, and I’ve learned that it’s best just to ride that wave, instead of trying to fight it.

After I’m done for the day, my evenings are pretty all over the place. Sometimes I’ll cook dinner and we’ll enjoy a quiet night at home, other times I’ll be hot to do more work (I know, pretty exciting), and we like to try to see our friends or family a few nights a week as well.

I usually go to bed around 11 or 12, and I try to wind down by reading in bed before I go to sleep. Sometimes this does not work if I’m reading a particularly exciting book, other times it takes me like months to get through a boring book because it will put me right out.

And that’s my typical day! I’d love to hear about your routine in the comments if you made it this far. I think it’s so interesting to hear how other people manage their time and their tips and tricks for making it through the day. Hopefully, I’m not the only one!