#ill be honest if i wasnt busy this week i would probably still do it anyway fuck it lmfaooooo

[junkdyke]

as another stupid dumb dyke who makes bad life choices, I am 100% on team "fly to Denver"

dawg i flew across the entire country to meet a girl and get rejected to my whole face, i have learned my lesson askdjads i am not against making these bad choices but i have GOT to be more sure about it before i do it, i can't keep doing this to myself 💀

[iluvchainmail]

ok ive finished :) and i do have thoughts. area unknown has been really special. its a rare bird in terms of minecraft content and theres just so many important stories being told there. the way it relates to the wider sunship canon or whatever its called is amazing, and the otehr ppls content like oli's dedicated grinding, moonzy's beautiful buildings or graaavel's awesome lore (HIS LORE VIDEO WAS SO GOOD. IT WAS SO FUCKING GOOD. THE MUSIC????? YEA), was all so amazing to witness.

BUT i do have some criticisms if you dont mind me sharing. none of it is with ill intent and i understand why the decisions that were made happened but i still think its worth pointing out.

im disappointed with how aimsey and scott's arc was left off, because i dont think it reached a satisfying conclusion at all and the loose threads they left didn't feel like a culmination of their relationship. aimsey and scott's conversations are some of my favourite parts of the lore because their relationship is so, SO interesting and really worth exploring. so ending it by saying "scott just got bored and went back to hell" was not a good move i feel. i really wanted to see something more there.

guqqie does touch on hera's influence when she discovers the grave but to be honest i dont understand why she was allowed to get married to aimsey and have a happy ending. hera has made a point of dooming them in every single universe and she just loves torturing her little experiment, and her influence has continued into season two with egging aimsey and oli on with the lab, so i really don't understand why guqqie was able to seperate herself from this and later get married when that has never been allowed before

i guess that everything was intentionally left pretty open ended so things could change in future, guqqie did say she'd write something up later this week which could give answers to what i mentioned above. and who knows, maybe in the years guqqie and aimsey were split hera could have been defeated in some way. maybe guqqie went back and confronted her or something idk. i would really like to see something like that though. and of course that open-endedness leaves room for aimsey and scott to do something which would also be great. but yeah those are my less great thoughts about the finale. but do not be fooled just because it wasnt absolutely perfect didnt mean i didnt enjoy it/think it was bad

FORTUNATELY it has given me a great window to start working on that au because i really want to develop scott and aimseys arc, explore aimsey's feelings as a demon and the horror that comes with that, and his relationship to hera because the one time they interacted always gives me chills. so i think the finale was flawed but thats ok because now i can go in and do awesome stuff with my own ideas for a bad ending. because i like hera cannot let the characters rest. ineed to be stopped hehehe

but yeah apart from that i did really enjoy the finale. it did feel like area unknown. the party, never have i ever, michela being hilarious and caitees being weird, and of course heartbreaking sunship lore. it genuinely gave me the same warm feeling as when i was watching through all those vods from 2022 when they were just messing around or screaming at each other in the rain. area unknown needed to end. no one seemed to want or have the time/inspiration/motivation to do stuff on it anymore, and the characters needed a conclusion and to be let go so they could just be in their own right. i'm glad that its done. it was really special. i cant wait to see what everyone does next :3

i agree heavily on the scott and aimsey topic, i wish we could’ve gotten more development of their relationship or seen scott in s2 bc there was a psrt of his house i think somewhere and then he was never mentioned again iirc, but they were probably both too busy or something to do anything which is ok i’ll just make it up in my head :3

and i hope there is a bit more of something w hera and auguqqies whole thing and how hera allowed ausunship to get married, or how all that went. i’m just really curious

anyways love u sneef thank u for liveasking to me this has been very fun :333 <3 im rlly glad u liked area unknown!!!!!!!

[azuries]

why i abandoned twitter, ig and closed my main form of interaction (asks)

i dont really want to give a long explanation of why ive been so out of it lately, so ill do my best to keep it brief.

my second term in university, which was like..i guess 5-6 months ago, was the most stressed ive been in, ever.

i was struggling with deadlines, i was way behind my classmates, and i didnt feel like i was doing enough when it came to quality with my projects. i also felt like i was on the verge of failing. it felt worse knowing i had a scholarship to maintain and with my parents warning me constantly that it was possible to lose their job due to the pandemic, i basically felt pressured bc i couldnt afford to fail, despite my lack of motivation and mental capacity to exceed. i was also going through some familial issues, along with relationship issues with some people which i am guilty for not controlling well.

the stress basically piled up in one go and i felt trapped.

in my final day for the sem, i was miserable. i felt like i was in the lowest point of my life and i thought of things to do to myself i wouldnt dare imagine doing now. i felt empty and lonely, and i didnt want to talk to anyone. i didnt deserve to talk to anyone. i felt like i wasnt worth spending time with. i could barely look at myself in the mirror.

i took a break from twitter specifically, for a couple of days, probably weeks. i came back for a short while, but i refused to let myself interact with anyone bc of how ashamed i was. i even locked my account so people wouldnt find me anymore. i was in a really bad place and i never felt lonelier, and as a person who's known to be usually vocal with feelings, i repressed what i was thinking to everyone i knew, and that kind of terrified me. instead of fixing it and confronting the problem, ive been running away from it. the guilt just kept piling up for the past months, and i still feel disgusted with myself for ever thinking i was worth their time and lacking communication like a dumbass, knowing that i was a sorry excuse of a human being and how it would hurt even more if they found out how much of a failure i am.

i was gone from my old twitter for god knows how long now. i avoided talking to my friends because i was so afraid of confrontation, and most of them had connections to the person that was affecting me the most. if one dm'd me, id immediately uninstall the app out of fear. i never had the courage to see their message and panic blocked them. it even got so bad to the point a friend of mine who commissioned me had to follow me up on their order, and i wasnt able to deliver after so many months of waiting. i refunded their money and gave them extra as an apology. i havent checked my business email since it was linked to my twitter and it showed notifs of my friends.

this is the main reason i closed asks and messages. i didnt want to be found, and i was afraid id run into them. if im being honest, i dont think im gonna be fully back anytime soon. im still figuring out my feelings and its still up for debate if im ever planning to talk to them again. i owe them an apology for being gone for so long without at least an explanation, but i feel like its too late for me to say anything, considering how long its been. they probably hate me right now, and honestly they have every right to. i also dont want to blame that person, since they tried their best to make it up to me after what they did, but i simply could not have forgotten how much it hurt no matter how hard i tried. ig that also plays a major factor in why i couldnt talk to my friends since theyre connected to that person as well.

so all in all, yes ive been strayed away from it for a while. even though the pain and guilt is there, i dont think i wasted my time sulking. ive been focusing on my schoolwork a lot more, ive (mostly) repaired the relationship with my parents, and i finally found the courage to reopen commissions again as a way to swear to myself to never leave anyone hanging like that again. i feel a lot more lonely tbh, but at least much more productive. things that happened made me focus on the things i wouldnt have prioritized if i didnt spend most of my time online.

it doesnt mean i regret i met them though. not one bit. spending time with them made my life less of a living hell and i will forever be thankful for the laughs and love they gave me. i feel guilty that i wasnt able to give them the same amount.

if you guys ever read this, im so sorry im too much of a coward to confront you guys myself. i just wish the best for all of you and i hope youre all staying safe and taking care of yourselves. maybe ill come back, maybe i wont. but just know, i truly am sorry for leaving so suddenly, and in better circumstances we can hopefully be reacquainted when we're all in a better place mentally.

thank you for reading, and if you reached the end of this message, congratulations you saw my oversharing 👈👈

[sarasfm]

Sarauniya “ Sara ” Davies, 24, pansexual, cisfemale, ISFP Enneagram 9w1; Pisces sun, Sagittarius moon, Pisces rising 1st year Advanced Encryption Major; did not go to a spy prep hs

Imma keep it real with you, chief, I have absolutely no idea what’s going on. I mean, obviously, I know what espionage is ; I’ve read books and articles, and I’ve seen Spy Kids and all the Charlies Angels and James Bond movies, but I genuinely think I need a minute to wrap my head around everything. Make that two weeks, because what’s this I hear about two murders ?  I literally just got sent here to be safe, I — I’m sorry, I’m freaking out. Give me five seconds, and we can start again, because I promise I can totally pretend this is all normal. @gallagherintro​

full name: sarauniya “ sara ” davies

dormitory room: 105

birthday: 20 march 1995

soundtrack: “ go gina ” by sza

favorite dish: efo riro

aesthetic:  when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of light reflecting from her earrings, eyeglasses perched on top of her head, and a caviar iphone always in her hands

Bio Points

her mom’s a nigerian baddie billionaire & her dad’s a soft academic brit

she grew up between london and abuja where their family’s business is based. it’s a trading enterprise, the largest industrial conglomerate in sub-saharan africa

she’s the eldest of three siblings, was raised to be prim & proper and groomed to run their family’s business. her family’s not pushy though and they’re really cool. very healthy dynamic so she doesn’t mind ; she loves her fam and would do it w a smile !

Coding is her Passion though. total dork. stayed up all the time just sleuthing and being an internet geek since she was a youngin’

loves education and is the type who would willingly stay in school to learn. has a degree in economics from harvard and was almost done with her mba when her littlest sister got abducted !  was it about business ? money ? who knows ! the sister’s fine now but her family sure is Scared especially since sara’s alone in the big bad united states

her mom made some calls and went “ gimbiya, look, u aint safe n we sorry. we’ll work something out to make sure u get ur mba degree somehow but shit is wild so we gotta get u somewhere near that’s safe asap. u like studying & ur a geek with computers right ? cool beans, go back to school & welcome to gallagher, babe ”

she enters gallagher in the middle of the spring semester very overwhelmed & inwardly ignoring how unhappy she is about having to be here bc she is not & does not want to be a spy. she just tryna distract herself by looking at this entire thing as a weird vacation where she can do stuff she wasn’t able to before because it’s literally detached from the world. she is mostly probably in way over her head, but let’s see ! 

Other Information

Nicknames: Sara (to everyone), gimbiya (to family, means princess in Hausa)

Languages: English (native), Hausa (native), Arabic (C1), French (B2)

Strengths: is money a strength ? also coding. and being the sweetest. and a general smartypants but that’s in a university setting & gallagher probably doesnt give a fuck

Relationship History: only has one (1) experience. ( well,,, 2 if a three-second drunken kiss w kass counts ) his name’s royce and they’ve known each other since their bougie secondary school back in britain. started dating at sixteen and went to harvard together. they’re long term as fuck. he’s like her best friend and their families adore the couple & each other. got engaged last september and sara broke it off before leaving for gallagher, oof. she deadass milked the opportunity but lbr she wasnt rlly Feeling It so she’s kinda glad for the ‘valid reason’ to appear bc it rlly wasn’t Love for sara so boy bye

Physical appearance: 1.76m, 55kg, long black hair, slim and toned build

Classes: GEN 105, GEN 206, AE 101, AT 101, PE 101

Personality

the sweetest. v charming & sensitive to others & curious about things. enthusiastic too ! loves adventures & is very passionate. queen of empathy. 

she’s not stuck up even tho she loaded. she doesnt rlly talk abt her family having 12B or the fact that she’s an ivy league girl, bc she’s just generally very uwu 

easily stressed and flustered and overwhelmed ! man, gallagher’s gonna shook this goddamn academic dork to her core for the love of god someone pls get the aed ready

rlly fun !!! can be a lil unpredictable bc it b lyk dat for rich girls. loves her independence which she hasn’t maximized bc of her ex fiancé & responsibilities but it’s chill so chill totally chill, no ounce of further longing exists in the crevices of this girl’s heart

she is so not good with confrontation and is so allergic to conflict ok. she will sweep discomfort under a rug and lie on it ‘til it’s flat which makes her a queen of repression & conforming

is she easily overwhelmed & stressed ? yes, but she’ll try not to show it so much. it’s all mostly an internal monologue so don’t underestimate her pls. she’s v smart and competent. can be so competitive ( albeit mostly inwardly ) and a boss ass business bitch like her business momma bc that’s what she’s been training for altho she is still generally a soft bab so ... yeah, if u would be so kind as to Estimate her, that’d be grand

she needs to always be on top of her game. maybe not the best in the class, but definitely pushes herself to be her best, so a lot of late nights studying & won’t settle for bad grades ever. gonna be rough in gallagher bc she is not spy material ok, she’s just a pretty rich geek behind a computer

just imagine her as the nice girl in ur ap classes who’s a lil awkward & just so happens to be super hot & stinking rich

Fun Facts

has a six-month old rescue pup named sooty ! who kinda looks like a sheparnese

has a tendency to ramble if she’s comfy w u enough or mayhaps if it’s too much man 

is v diligent w keeping a journal & does it everyday 

likes to dance ! not super good but she likes it. hits da clubs for dat shit 

is a lil instagram famous bc she’s a gorgeous rich harvard girl & all that jazz. queen of selfies & of looking hot but doesn’t actually get to play around rip ffff 

doesn’t drink much bc she is an extreme lightweight and 2 is her tap out limit

if she’s had more than 2 drinks, she is Very Honest but still very ramble-y 

she is physically active but mostly just runs and does yoga. knows very basic self-defense. is not sporty, definitely not a fighter, may god have mercy on her soul

isnt a virgin but is not sexually experienced lmao lbr she kinda Itching to get out there 

don’t ask me what her accent is because i have no clue it’s all over the place

Established Connections — just bc i think y’all would like to know

kassandra sutton — internet friends ! loves kass to bits. have known each other since sara was 14. when kass was 18, sara took her on a grad trip to montreal and became a lil lowkey into her. doesn’t help that kass drunk kissed her & doesn’t remember lmfao. poor sara told her then-bf & they had a lil fight but they made up bc sara didn’t talk to kass for months. eventually they became friends again & now sara’s in gallagher w no idea that kass is a mf sutton & honestly, my girl is just very shook w everything 

Possible Connections

crushes — she does not know how to flirt. she is ,,,, p pathetic tbh but a real heckin cutie. will be super nice to ur bab ok  

flirtationships — sara and i r gonna continue to keep it real w u chieves, her ex fiancé royce was vanilla and bland as fuck. can u believe she has not been single in a decade ? ? someone give her love & attention & fluster this soft innocent child. get her Experienced but also dont hurt her

enemies/angst !!! —  or maybe do ! maybe hurt her. maybe obliterate her. maybe smash her poor heart to pieces, because tbh i would love that.  so someone pls for the love all things holy and divine, someone hurt her !!!!

fwb — probably just one (1) bc she’s still a romantic ? and she’s probably gonna want something exclusive even if it’s no strings attached and will surely want to ,.,. get to know them a little bit more first ,,, at least ideally , idk , maybe impulse & thirst gets the better of her one of these days who knows lets find out !

friends !!! — sara will love u ok. she may be a lil easily flustered but she’s doesn’t rlly give up on ppl quickly. as i’ve said, queen of empathy. probs feels v sorry for majority of the gallagher & georgetown kids bc, .,.,., this environment just screams highkey Trauma to her and she’s valid bc she’s right

mentors !!! — she hates feeling dumb ok she Always has to be on top of her game, so u can bet ur ass after her first meetings in her classes she goes to ppl going “ hey could u help me out w working out ? boxing ? firing a gun ? literally everything & anything ? ”   

anything & everything — meaning just come @ me & let’s talk about it uwu 

( did i just create georgina’s antithesis ? fuck yes, and i am sooo excited to have a child that’s not always plotting & scheming & being mean like y’all have no idea ;_; nywy, that was long bc shutting up and brevity are things i do not possess. whats up it’s ur og flower garden girl rose here aka bugleweed aka fiancée of many and lover of all, and i am open to anything and everything ! just drop an IM or hit dat like & ill slide in ur dmz w love, plots & sanitized hands x )

[writingfortoomanyfandoms]

Five Ways of Saying I Love You

Pairing: Ben Hardy!Roger Taylor x Reader

Summary: Five ways that Roger shows her he loves her

Requested: No

Warnings: Swearing

A/N: Sorry it’s been a few days since I’ve posted anything - please let me know what you think of it! I love hearing what all of you have to say about my writing! And remember that I reply with my main blog @ijustreallylovezebras, I hope you all had wonderful days xx

Roger wasn’t good with telling Y/N he loved her. She knew he did, and she knew that she loved him too - he was well aware of it as well, she was constantly reminding him. Roger just wasn’t good at saying it.

He could show it though, he was really good at showing it.

“I’m going to really miss you,” Y/N sighed, resting her head on his bare chest, tracing careful shapes onto his pale skin. Roger twined his fingers through her hair, gently tugging the knots out of it.

“I’m going to miss you too, Princess,” he murmured, lacing his free hand with her small one - the one that wasn’t resting on his chest. Y/N gave their hands a squeeze before placing a gentle kiss to his hand. “You could still come with me, the boys wouldn’t mind - they’d love it to be honest,” Roger said and Y/N moved her head to give him a sad smile.

“I can’t do that, Rog,”

“I know, it’s a nice thought though,” Roger sighed, squeezing her hand again.

“What time are you leaving, again?” She asked, cuddling closer into his chest.

“Six in the morning,” Roger groaned. “I’ll leave you asleep, Princess,”

“Don’t! I want to say goodbye to you,” Y/N whined, kissing his bare skin and Roger shivered at the action, a soft smile forming on his face again.

“Six is really early, Darling,” he pointed out but Y/N shook her head.

“It’s worth it for you,” she declared and Roger chuckled.

“You’re so cute,”

“I love you,” Roger hugged her a little tighter and he felt her smile against his chest.

The next morning, Roger woke at five, carefully sliding out from under his girlfriend, who was asleep on his chest. He brushed some hair from her face, smiling down at her, feeling himself falling further in love with her. He changed quickly, running a brush through his hair.

“Princess?” Roger whispered, gently shaking her shoulder. Y/N let out a quiet moan as she blinked her eyes open. A wide smile took over her face upon seeing Roger and she reached up to rub her eyes but Roger caught her hands in his. “Don’t wake up properly, Y/N/N, I’m leaving now okay? Go back to sleep and I’ll see you in six weeks,” he said, keeping his voice low and quiet before leaning to press a kiss against her forehead. Then he straightened up, turning to leave the room. 

“Wait - Rog!” Y/N called, swinging her legs out of bed and running to him, jumping up to hug him from behind.

“Princess,” Roger laughed, turning around and hugging her back tightly. “I’ll miss you,” he said and Y/N looked up, eyes cloudy, and pressed her lips firmly against his.

“I’ll miss you too,” she whispered. Roger gave her a gentle smile, kissing her once more.

“Get some rest, Princess,”

“Rock the world, Rog,”

“Just for you, Y/N/N,” he murmured and then picked her up, placing her back under the covers and kissing her forehead. “Have a good day at work,”

“I love you,” she called quietly as he left the room. Roger turned only to blow her another kiss, the words drying up in his mouth. 

When Y/N woke later that morning, a sadness weighed on her chest upon remembering the absence of Roger’s presence. She sighed and pushed herself out of bed, wrapping herself up in one of his jumpers that he had left behind. She trudged into the kitchen, and stopped, her brows furrowing at the appearance of a box on the table with her name scrawled across the top in Roger’s messy handwriting.

She opened it and her eyes welled up with tears at the image of dozens of envelopes each addressed to her.

Even though he didn’t say it very much, Y/N could tell that Roger loved her.

Since going on tour two weeks ago, Roger had called Y/N up every night without fail to talk to her and ask about her day, make sure she was okay and happy and not missing him too much. The last question always made her laugh, because of course she was missing him an extraordinarily large amount. But tonight Roger had warned her that he probably wouldn’t be able to call, as the boys were all going to a party that started straight after the concert, the time that Roger usually reserved for talking to the love of his life.

Which was why Y/N was confused as to why the phone was ringing. 

“Rog? Aren’t you at a party?” Y/N asked as she furrowed her brows and tugged her hand through her messy hair.

“Yeah - I just missed you too much,” she could tell from the slight slur of his voice that he was drunk.

“I miss you too, Rog,”

“I felt bad for not calling you tonight,” he explained, sounding disappointed in himself. Y/N gave a quiet laugh, shaking her head.

“You have a busy life, Darling, you don’t need to worry about it,” she assured him and Roger whined a little.

“You’re too good for me,” he declared. Y/N laughed, shaking her head despite knowing that Roger wouldn’t be able to see her.

“That’s the opposite of true,”

“You’re perfect,”

“You’re so cute,”  she told him. “But you should definitely go enjoy your party,”

“I have more fun talking to you than I have at any party,” Roger informed her seriously and Y/N giggled at his words.

“If you don’t go to the party then you know Freddie will give both of us a hard time about it,” Y/N pointed out. Roger groaned.

“I just miss you so so so so so much,”

“I miss you lots too,” Y/N’s voice was quiet and Roger easily picked up on her sad tone.

“Don’t be sad!” He demanded. “I’ll be back before you know it,”

“I love you,” Roger smiled, as he always did when Y/N told him that.

“I don’t want to hang up,” Roger pouted and Y/N chuckled. Roger could almost see her shaking her head at him.

“Go and have fun, Rog, I don’t want to hold you back,”

“You never hold me back! I like talking to you!” He protested. Y/N covered her mouth to contain her joyful giggle.

“You’re very drunk, Rog,”

“Calling you was all I could think about,” he admitted quietly in response. Silence settled over the phone as his words sunk in. Y/N bit her lip to stop her smile from stretching too wide. “You’re all I think about,”

Y/N grinned as her took the box from the postman, nodding her thanks to him.

“Have a nice day,” she called after him as he set off back down her driveway. He paused to wave back at her but Y/N had already turned around, eager to open the package.

She had somewhat anticipated it’s arrival - Roger had been dropping hints for the past week, ever since he called her drunk only two weeks into the tour to tell her how much he missed her.

So she had expected something. A letter or a postcard. While Roger had provided her with a shoebox full of letters at the beginning of his tour, he always sent her either a post card or a letter when the boys neared their halfway point. He always admitted to her that he found his written word easier to express his feelings with.

Y/N rumaged through her kitchen draws and picked out a knife, slicing open the box with ease and folding the flaps over, being greeted immediately by the expected postcard. 

She turned it over in excitement.

Hey Princess,

For some reason this tour I’m missing you now more than ever - from our conversations it seems as though you’re feeling the same. So I’ve been buying shit along the way that I thought would either cheer you up or make you think of me or laugh or something. Don’t want my girl missing me too much.

Always yours,

Rog

As always, he had signed off the note with a smily face and three kisses. Y/N beamed at the message, feeling her eyes brim with tears at the thoughtfulness of her boyfriend.

Inside the box lay a teddybear with a cheesy ‘I love you!” shirt on, a pair of drumsticks, one of which had been broken (this was accompanied by another note explaining how Roger had broken them in a show when he was missing her particularly much, a story that, while cute, Y/N didn’t believe for a second as she knew it was the pair that John had told her Roger through at Brian’s head during an argument), there was three of his button up shirts, a box of chocolates and two books that Y/N had been wanting to read for a while but had never gotten around to purchasing.

She stepped away from the box, holding the bear in her hands and hugged it tightly to her chest, letting out soft sobs as she felt the full weight of Roger’s love for her.

Since Roger had returned from tour a week and a half ago, everything had been perfect. Almost perfect. Y/N had been feeling as though she had hardly seen her boyfriend, he was always practicing with the band and, while she understood that the band was important, one of the most important things in Roger’s life, she had missed him.

After expressing these feelings to Roger the previous evening, he had invited his girlfriend to join the band at practice the following day, once Y/N had finished her shift at work. He had been feeling much the same as she had, if he was being honest. While he understood Freddie’s keenness to write the next album so they could start recording ASAP, he wanted nothing more than to spend a little while with Y/N in the comfort of their home. 

She was his priority.

“Y/N!” John was the first to notice her presence as she awkwardly moved into the room. John and Y/N had always been close - the two more soft-spoken members of their band-family had gravitated towards each other in a way that Roger had only hoped they would.

Roger raised his eyebrows as the bassist was quick to cross the room and embrace his girlfriend in a hug.

“Rog said you were coming today!” John beamed. Said drummer stood from behind his kit and joined the two. Freddie gave a dramatic sigh before giving in and joining the group, seeing Brian placing down his guitar as well.

Roger was quick to place his arm around her waist and kiss her cheek. an action that she grinned at, leaning further into his loving touch.

“She’s my priority,” Roger pointed out to John.

“What about the band?” Freddie asked with a raised eyebrow, quickly hugging Y/N in greeting.

“The band’s my other priority, obviously. I play better with her here anyway,” Roger declared, winking at his girlfriend, who shoved his shoulder playfully, the action making him laugh.

“I’m already in love with you, Rog, you don’t need to flirt to bad anymore,” Y/N teased and Roger chuckled, kissing her lips.

“Has he even told you he loves you back?” John asked Y/N later, when Roger and Brian had both returned to their instruments, trying to fit the song together. Freddie was sat in the corner, listening to them with his eyes closed, calculating their next move in the song, as he often did.

“Yeah he has,” Y/N assures her friend quickly.

“He didn’t say it earlier, that’s all,” Y/N smiled at John, shaking her head a little.

“Rog doesn’t like saying it so much - but I know it anyway, he makes sure of it,”

“How’d you mean?”

“It’s the little things, Deaky, like inviting me here today, just so we could spend more time together, or like yesterday when he came home even just an hour earlier to help me cook because he knew I’d been feeling down,”

“That’s sweet,” Y/N’s eyes wandered over to Roger, as they always did. Her blond haired drummer caught her eye and offered her a playful wink, causing the smile to widen on her face.

“I’m just lucky I guess,”

Roger grinned when he entered his house to be greeted by the smell of a home cooked meal.

“Princess?” He called, slipping his shoes off of his feet. “I’m home!”

“I’m in the kitchen,” Roger followed the sound of her voice, smiling even wider as he saw her, wrapping his arms around her from behind and bringing her into a tight hug, feeling her relaxing back into his arms.

“It smells good,” he commented, spinning her around and kissing her. Y/N wound her arms around his neck, smiling up at him before leaning up on her tiptoes again to press another kiss to his lips.

“Thanks, how are the boys? Practice?” Her voice was quiet, content and the soft tones of it helped to relax Roger.

“Stressful - Freddie’s being a dick, he was late again, and then shit all over our ideas,”

“You didn’t fight him did you?”

“No,” Roger paused, mulling over his thoughts. “I don’t think it’s his fault anyway,”

“Paul?” Y/N asked and Roger nodded, leaning down to kiss her again.

“He’s changing Freddie,” the drummer sighed and Y/N gave a sad nod.

“Bring him back, Rog, I know you can,”

“I’m so glad I have you in my life,” Roger commented as he watched Y/N draw away from him, plating up dinner. She looked at him over her shoulder, smiling wide.

“You’re such a dork, how could anyone mistake you for a rock king,” she teased. Roger let out a laugh, shaking his head.

“I am a rock legend,” Roger was quick to disagree.

“Who likes to have his hair plaited,” Y/N was laughing as she placed the plates on the table. Roger squeezed her sides as he walked past her and she squealed away from him, glaring at her boyfriend who just gave her a cheeky grin in reply.

“I’m only a sap for you,”

“That’s... reassuring?” She questioned, cocking an eyebrow. Roger beamed and nodded.

“I love you,” he says suddenly. Y/N’s head snapped up. “I know I don’t say it much but I do,”

“I know you do, Rog,” she said, reaching over the table and grabbing his hand. “And I love you too, you don’t need to say it if you don’t want to,”

“It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that sometimes the words don’t seem enough and... you can fake words,” he said. Y/N squeezed his hand tightly, never wanting to let him go.

“I know, Rog. But it’s okay, I understand,”

“You’re my favourite person on Earth,”

“You’re mine as well,”

[lexinthelibraryofdreams]

Enemies To Lovers

Imagine:  Friends/Enemies to lovers

Pairing: Theseus Scamander x Reader

Words: 3667

A/N: Week two, day six of the Leather and Lace + You Keep Me Warm Romance Event. Did this get out of hand? Yes. Do I care? Barely. Hope you enjoy. If anyone wants to request a character, feel free to do so :)

Warnings: none, I believe. If you want me to add anything, feel free to tell me :)

#

The first time you met Theseus Scamander, you immediately hated him. In your opinion, he wasn’t suited to be the head of your department and from the first meeting on he seemed to return your feelings. You barely left the office, stuck to your neck in paperwork he assigned to you. 

The more time went on, the more he seemed to ignore your requests to actually hire a secretary if he wanted one and allow you to do your job. You were getting frustrated with your job but were also too prideful to quit, which you assumed was what he wanted. 

#

“Sir,” you greeted him after entering his office with the finished reports again. He didn’t even bother looking up and you closed your eyes for a moment to center yourself. With more force than necessary, you put down the stack of papers on his desk. “Look, if you won’t even bother to greet me, at least don’t insist on having me deliver the reports personally. Then you don’t have to ignore me.”  You knew how disrespectful you sounded but you were past caring. He wouldn’t get rid of you unless he would forcibly remove you from the office.

Now he looked up. You only stared back, setting your jaw stubbornly. “I do not appreciate you tone, Miss Y/L/N,” was the only thing he said and you had to mentally hold back to not hex him. Straightening your back, you replied, “Well, I do not appreciate being degraded to your secretary when I should be out there and support my colleagues in the field. I know that I have the skills to perform the tasks of an actual auror, so I don’t see why you insist on holding me in the office.” He reached forward and took the papers you had brought him. “It is my decision to make who to send out and who to keep back. If you wish to keep your position, do not question my decisions any further,” he replied, the waved towards you. “You are dismissed.” A part of you wanted to argue but instead you abruptly turned on you heel and exited the office, throwing the door close in your anger. You ignored the few eyes on you as you made your way back to your desk. The few people that were actually here and not on the hunt for Grindelwald and his followers weren’t benched like you, they simply finished off reports from missions. Reports that would inevitably end up on your desk the next morning. One day you would probably snap and light them on fire the instance they arrived. 

#

A woman entered the office but you ignored her presence. At least, you tried until she stepped up to your desk. Hesitantly you looked up with a blank look, trying to look as busy and interrupted as you could. “Do you need anything?” you asked, not bothering with a greeting. You had seen her before, she was part of some other department in the Law Enforcement. She seemed to be friends with Scamander, considering they often spent their breaks with each other.

Now she looked down on you with an unreadable expression. “Could you ask Mr Scamander if he has time? I wanted to talk to him.” You raised an eyebrow at her. “Sorry, Lady, but I’m not his bloody secretary. He just punishes me for existing with having to read over reports he is too busy for. Someday he’ll probably ask for a coffee. For all I care, he could burst into flames right now and I wouldn’t be bothered at all. Anything else?”

She looked a little taken aback at your hostility towards your boss but only thanked you and wordlessly retreated to his office. 

#

Later you learned that the woman was none other than Leta Lestrange, his fiancée. That outburst would probably fall back onto you but you were past caring.

#

“Y/L/N,” he said, approaching your desk. You plastered on a sweet smile and waited for him to ask whatever he wanted. “Go get your coat, you’re accompanying me.” It was almost embarrassing how quickly you got to your feet, slipping into your coat and following him wordlessly. Though you wondered what caused the sudden change but you wouldn’t test your luck with asking about it.

In the lobby you met up with several other aurors, the head of the Department of Law Enforcement and - of course - Leta Lestrange. You only gave her a semi-politely nod before listening to Travers. 

After the short briefing, you followed them outside and disapparated. The bridge leading to the castle was still like you remembered it and a nostalgic feeling welled up inside you. Your happiest memories all were bundled in the place but you knew you weren’t here for fun.

#

Interrogating Dumbledore went as well as you expected. He stayed polite but passive, not wanting to join the war that was inevitably coming. Or maybe it was already waging, it was hard to tell with how blurred the lines were. 

As you turned to leave, he called out to both you and Scamander. You were at the door already, looking at him expectantly. He warned you, should Grindelwald call for his followers to assemble, that you shouldn’t interrupt. 

On your way to the bridge, you walked next to Scamander, both of you silent. You admired Dumbledore for defending his point despite the pressure against him. You looked at your boss who seemed lost in thought. “Will you follow his advice?” He shrugged lightly. “I don’t know yet.”  You met up with the others again. It occurred to you that that was literally the first conversation between you without any malice behind it. Admittedly, it felt good.

#

Your next stop was Paris. Despite the urgency of the situation, you looked around to take in at least some of the sights. “First time in Paris?” Scamander asked suddenly and you looked at him before nodding. There still were more negative feelings between one another but since your visit in Hogwarts, you offered a less hostile stand, being more passive in your dislike of him.  If he noticed it, he didn’t comment on it.

#

“Where’s Scamander?” Travers asked and you only shrugged. “Why does everybody expect I know where he is at any given time? I’m not his secretary,” you replied, a little on the edge because even Travers was under the impression.  At least he looked more bewildered than offended by your harshness, then ordered for you to go and find him. You tried your hardest not to roll your eyes and trailed off to search and ask around.

In the end you found him locked in a room and tied to a chair. “Mr Scamander, what a coincidence to meet you here,” you said, leaning against the doorframe. When he stopped struggling to look up, you couldn’t hide a gleeful grin. “Looks like you’re in some kind of situation. Once you’re done here, Travers is searching for you.”  You turned around to leave, when you heard him struggle some more. “Y/L/N, wait!” he called out and you feigned hesitation. A heavy sigh sounded from behind you, followed by a “Please. I need your help.”

When you faced him again, you wore a big smile. “Really? I wouldn’t have noticed. I mean you normally got everything under control.” He made a face at you. “What do you want so no one will hear about this?” You raised an eyebrow at him and decided to test your luck. “An explanation and for you to get an actual secretary, so I can finally do my job. Maybe, if you’re feeling generous, even an apology but I’m not greedy.”

He sighed again, looking defeated. “It was your father. When he resigned, he requested for you be kept off the field. I know you’re more than capable but he is a scary and influential man, even if he has retired and I did not want to risk my career for that.” He paused and you thought about it. It made sense. Still, he did not have to be so unpleasant about it.  “I’m sorry,” he added and he seemed to mean it. You exhaled, then waved your wand and the rope fell to the ground. “Thank you for being honest. Though I’m still kind of angry you wouldn’t have told me without blackmail. That’s not a good way to keep up a professional relationship.” He stood up and straightened out his jacket. “I know. And I meant it when I apologize. I’ll try to be more open about your father’s requests in the future.”

“Appreciated,” you replied and followed him back to Travers.

#

You had tried to remind him Dumbledore’s words but he had just waved it off. “If you don’t think you can handle it, stay here,” he had said and you adamantly shook your head.

Now you stood there, watching in horror as blue flames devoured colleagues in front of you. Even though you were standing at a good distance to it, you could feel the burning heat on your exposed skin as if you were standing in it. Screaming from one side caught your attention and you saw Scamander as he tried to get to his fiancée. His brother was by his side, trying to drag him away from the flames when they burned the woman to ash. He was screaming and fighting against the grip, so you bolted down the stairs and grabbed him by the arm. “There is nothing you can do Scamander. We have to leave. Don’t let her sacrifice be a lost cause!” you yelled at him and that seemed to get to him a little. You made it out of the mausoleum barely as blue flames burst through the openings and burned everything in their path. Your hand was still wrapped around his upper arm when you were joined by an old, sickly looking wizard.

The circle around the graveyard was quickly formed and once you claimed your position, you drove your wand into the ground with a yell. A golden line formed on the ground and you watched as the flames were encased by the ward and orange flames until they were dragged into the building and finally snuffed out.

#

You stood next to your boss on the bridge as you watched his brother talk to Dumbledore. “He was right,” the man said and you looked at him. It was one of the few things he had said after watching Leta die and even though you still didn’t really like him, even you would try to be nice. “What do you mean?” He gestured towards Dumbledore. “He warned us. You were there. You tried to remind me but I brushed it off because Travers told me so. We never should have entered that mausoleum.” You hesitated, then placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. “I did warn you but even I couldn’t have imagined that. It wasn’t your fault. She made her own decisions.” You looked out towards Hogwarts. So many students behind the wall didn’t know what had happened only hours ago. Since the obscurial joined Grindelwald, you wouldn’t even deem this place safe and there was hardly anything better protected. “A lot will change, I suppose,” he said, following your gaze. You hummed in agreement, then added, “A lot already has.”

Your little group disbanded, one by one of those that were left walking past the wards and vanishing into thin air. You turned to follow and to your surprise he fell into step next to you. “What are you going to do now?” he asked, hands shoved into his pockets and eyes focused on the stones below them. You shrugged. “Get some rest. Grief those we lost. And when it is called for, fight. That means, if I’m allowed to leave the office now, sir,” you replied and noticed the ghost of a smile cross his lips.

“I can hardly bench my best auror now, can I?” he said and you gave him a firm smile before disapparating.

#

The next time you stepped into the office, it had changed. Some tables had been cleared which tightened a knot in your stomach. Another desk had been set up before Scamander’s office. A woman was sitting at it, avidly reading over some papers. She looked up and gave you an easy smile as you approached. “Ah, you must be Miss Y/L/N. I’m Priscilla Selpie, Mr Scamander’s new secretary and assistant. He asked me to send you inside once you were here.”

You thanked her with a nod and a smile then entered after knocking. “So you actually listened to me,” you said instead of greeting him and he looked up. “Good morning to you, too. And you actually still don’t care for politeness.” He rounded his desk and leaned against it. You doubted that he had slept much since your return from Paris, judging from his messy hair, his pale face and the very noticeable bags under his eyes. Even his suit jacket had creases where they didn’t belong, completely untypical.

“You know, maybe you should listen to another advice of mine and try to take some time off. You just lost someone, it is understandable,” you said and he shook his head. “I got restless at home. It was bad. This way I can keep busy and distract myself. And try to find the man who is behind all of this.” You looked at the picture of Leta Lestrange on his desk and he followed your gaze. “You hated her, didn’t you? At least, that’s what she thought.” Now it was your time to shake your head. “No, I hated you. I felt really more indifferent towards her than anything else. Admittedly, I was wondering a little how she could love an ass like you but now that I’ve seen some other sides of you... She seems less of a lunatic and more of a normal woman with a type.”

A fond smile crossed his face. “So, hated? Past tense?” You rolled your eyes at him. “That does not mean that I like you, Scamander but... let’s just say that my feelings towards you are neutral. I hope that’s enough for now.” Still, your tone wasn’t harsh. You did have more than enough time to think about what happened and what he told you and in the end he was deemed potentially likeable. Maybe, in the near future, you could even become friends.

He looked at you for a moment, then nodded. “For now.”

#

And friends you did become. It was two years after the graveyard and you knew that he wouldn’t have it easy today. You greeted Priscilla who smiled at you cheerily and entered the office without knocking. “Alright, Scamander, time for dinner.” Even though he had asked you along the way to use his first name, you refused to do so, just because of how much it annoyed him. Still, it was different than before, spoken with at least 40% more fondness and 75% less irritation. Of course, those numbers varied from day to day.

He didn’t look up. “I’m not really in the mood for dinner” You didn’t bother and forcibly closed the book he was reading, staring down at him. “Well, then you better get in the mood quickly because we are going. You have no say in that. I’m not going to let you gloom in your office for the rest of your day only to end it with a bottle of bourbon. I watched that last year.” He leaned back and rubbed across his neck, clearly tense from looking down the entire time. “I don’t see you barge into my brother’s house to invite him to dinner,” he replied and you raised your eyebrows at him. “Well, Newt has a friend and a nice American lady by his side, so he doesn’t need me but you do, so get up before I hex you.” He reluctantly did, whether because of your reasoning or your threat was unsure but irrelevant.

He followed you out the building and towards a cozy muggle restaurant close to the ministry. “Why aren’t we going somewhere... uh...” You grinned as he struggled with finding the right word, then interrupted him. “Because you need a break from magic and everything that comes with it. So we’ll eat at a muggle place.”

#

Despite his original hesitation, he seemed to enjoy both the food and the surroundings. Afterwards, you insisted on taking a walk. He walked beside you for a while without saying anything. “I should probably go home... I don’t want to bother you for longer.” You gave him a pointed look and he almost helplessly lifted his shoulders. “Scamander, I already said I’m not going to let you drink your sorrow away. At least not alone. Now come one, I have some drinks at my place.” You offered him your arms and when he put his hand on it, apparated you both to your place. He looked around, the first time he set foot into your flat.

“Take a seat,” you offered and he sat down on your sofa while you retrieved the bourbon and two glasses, placing them on the coffee table and filling them.

#

In the end, he slept on your sofa after pouring his heart out to you in a less-than-sober state. Whatever he had told you, you would keep it to yourself, you decided.

#

On the third anniversary you repeated it. Again, he stayed on your sofa for the night and you woke him up the next morning with a strong coffee. He sat at you dinner table while you prepared some breakfast and seemed to watch you. “How personal did I get?” he asked after a while and you laughed a little. “Even more than last time.” You watched him for a moment before returning your attention to the food in front of you.

He had told you how he wanted to move on but still felt guilty about it. That he knew he couldn’t stay like this forever but that he didn’t want to disappoint or forget her, let alone give off the feeling he wanted to replace her. Then you hadn’t said much with real essence but now you wanted to do so. Still, you couldn’t think of the exact words. And a while ago, another issue had occurred.

Finally you could understand how Leta could have love an ass like him.

#

You entered his office and put the mug down on his desk. “I thought you could use a coffee. This mission was hell.” It wasn’t the first time you did field work but surely the hardest. Or at least second hardest. Nothing would ever trump Paris. At least you hoped it wouldn’t. He took the coffee and sipped on it before thanking you.

“Anything you want?” he asked and you shook your head, leaning against his desk sideways to watch what he was doing. “I finished the report and handed it over to Priscilla. You should take a break. If you continue to squint at the paper like that you’ll get wrinkles or need glasses. Or both. Probably both.” He gave you a tired smile and stretched a little before standing up and joining you on the other side of the desk. His elbow bumped into yours as he took another sip.

“You are always worrying about me,” he teased and you laughed. “Someone has to. You’re clearly not doing it.” He smiled and now intentionally bumped his elbow into your side. Both of you quickly sobered up, then he spoke again. “You know, I’ve been thinking a lot lately. We started out literally hating each other and now... never would have imagined that when we first met.” You nodded, smiling into your mug. “Likewise. But I don’t mind this at all.”

He hummed and you could see from the corner of your eye that he was watching you. “Can I help you with something?” You put your mug down on the desk and looked at him. His expression seemed clouded for a moment, then he leaned forward. You unintentionally held your breath but he stopped and pulled back, then turned away. “Sorry. I’m... I just...” he sighed and you put your hand on his which was gripping the edge of the desk hard. “I know. It’s okay. I understand.” He turned around only to look at you with surprise written on his face. “How do you... wait... the anniversary?” You nodded and gave him a warm smile. “Take your time, Theseus. I won’t go anywhere.” This time, you used his first name intentionally.

Now you leaned forward, to press a kiss on his cheek. “I’ll leave you to it.” You picked up your mug again and pushed away from the desk, not getting further than a step.

His hand around your wrist stopped you. You halted, waiting for him to act, which he did by spinning you around and planting his lips on yours. You willingly melted into him, trying not to drop your coffee, smiling against his lips the entire time.

When you parted, you looked him into the eyes and planted another short kiss on his lips. “That was quicker than expected.” He smiled, a little sheepishly even, and brushed some hair behind your ear. “You made it easier. I’m glad I drunkenly confessed that. Otherwise I might have let you walk out,” he said and your smile only widened. “Would have been a shame, really. But I’m glad you didn’t.”

Whatever this would grow into, it somehow had been years in the making, neither of you could deny that. It truly had been a wild ride and with the uncertainty of the future, it would surely stay just as interesting but it was easier to look ahead when you knew someone by your side.

[totally-tae]

The Regular

Character: Namjoon x Reader

Genre: fluff, coffee shop!au, slight angst?

Word count: 5k

You’re working in a coffee shop and Namjoon visits frequently. 

„Christie, I’m taking my break!“ I announce to my co-worker and start taking of my working apron.

“Alright, see you in a bit!” She replies while fixing another customer their coffee.

Almost naturally my gaze drifts over to a particular corner in our little shop. As usual one of our regulars is sitting over there reading hi….wait a minute! Was he just looking at me?

I stop and continue to fold my apron.

No that can’t be. I must be seeing things.

I make my way over to the staff room, but my gaze still lingers on him. Now he’s reading one of his books again and I can’t help but notice that he looks exhausted. Mostly he’s wearing casual, but still sort of trendy clothes. Today, he’s wearing a simple gray hoodie with unruly hair and jogging pants. It still looks hot though, maybe even more than usual. And no that didn’t mean I tend to look at him more than I should.

I sigh and finally manage to look where I’m actually going.

Whenever he is here, he’s reading, writing or doing something on his laptop. Ever since I noticed him (which had basically been the day I started working here), I told myself I would chat him up someday.

Well, guess who still didn’t gather the courage to do so.

The staff room door falls shut behind me and I lean against it, sighing. I’ve been working here for half a year, what was so hard to start a conversation with someone? Especially someone who is always reading a book you could start a conversation about? Right, being afraid of getting rejected.

He probably wouldn’t want to talk to me anyway. I mean he’s the most charming person ever when he orders his Iced Americano, but he obviously got stuff to do, so I would only bother him.

Having these thoughts, I spent my break eating lunch and checking my social media. When I come back to the counter, I glance at the corner again, but he is gone.

The next few weeks continue as usual, although I notice that our regular is not visiting as often as he used to. And every time he actually shows up, his orders of coffee and the dark circles under his eyes increase.

Today is one of these days and although he is a stranger, I can’t help but feel worried. Just a minute ago he ordered his third coffee, extra strong.

I chew on my lip as I prepare his order. Maybe I should ask him if he’s alright? After I finish making his coffee I take a look at the clock and walk over to Christie who is working with me again today. The shop is rather empty now, so I lean closer to her.

“Hey do you mind if I take my break right now?” I ask her in a muted voice.

She instantly turns and looks at me with huge, twinkling eyes.

“Are you going to talk to him?!” She exclaimed a little too loud for my taste.

“Shhhh!!” I put my hand over her mouth hastily and look around the shop. Phew, it seems like he didn’t hear it.

“I guess?” I shrug as I take my hand from her mouth, while giving her a warning look. “I mean he doesn’t look like he is doing very well, so I thought I’d at least ask him how he’s doing…”

“And you think he’d tell you?” She retorted and I rolled my eyes at her.

“No. But it’s the intention that counts!”

“Not when you want to get into his pants.” She smirked and I swatted at her arm.

“I don’t want to get into his pants!” I denied maybe a little too quickly. I felt heat rising to my cheeks and turned around, heading his way.

“Anyway if you need me, you know where you can find me.” I stated, making my way over to his table.

My feet slowed down as I neared his table. How should I start this conversation? I can’t just show up and ask him if he is stressed out or something. My eyes focused on the book he was holding in his hand.

“The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas?” I read out loud and he lowered his book to look at me.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, right. You know the book?” He asked me and I shook my head.

“No, only read the title out loud.” I admitted and felt the blush creeping up again.

I set his coffee down on the table and sat down on the seat on the opposite side of the table.

“So what is it about?”

“It’s just a short story. There is this town Omelas and everyone living there is happy and living a good life without anything bad happening to them, but then you find out the dark secret of the town’s happiness. There is a child trapped in small, dirty room living in constant fear and pain which somehow is what makes it possible for the rest of townspeople to live their happy, careless lifes.” He explains to me and I raise my eyebrows in surprise.

“That’s heavy.” I frown and he nods, grabbing his coffee and taking a sip.

“It is, but sadly, not so far off from reality.” He says while looking out the window.

“I guess not your favourite book?”

“No, it’s a very good book, but it manages to drag you down a little.”

“Yeah, it does.”

A short moment of silence followed my sentence in which both of us seemed to think about what to say next. Still not daring to address the concerns I had about his wellbeing I spoke up again.

“So, you’re here pretty often? No Wi-Fi at home?” I joked and he chuckled.

“You’re not far off.” He joined my banter while leaning forward. “But no, I just find it easier to concentrate here.”

“Are you sure? With that amount of coffee you’ve been drinking lately, I kind of doubt it.” I managed to change the topic and he sighed.

“What are you, a psychic?” He sighed, nipping at his coffee again. “Just a little more work than usual, nothing special.”

I nodded and started to get up.

“You always seemed to unwind here...and I kind of want this to be your relax zone, so hit me up if you need anything.” I smiled, not sure what I was saying myself. Then I turned around and made my way back to the counter where I sat down the tray I had used to bring him his coffee. After that I rushed back to the staff room to spend the rest of my break hiding from customers, especially one.

After that encounter with our regular I thought about quitting my job and never returning to the shop, but before I could seriously consider doing that, he stopped showing up.

Maybe I really went too far by telling him I want this place to be his relax zone. I mean who says stuff like that?

I groaned and felt like hitting my head against a wall. No, I was not working today, but I was in a book shop, definitely a place where bumping your head against a wall would be inappropriate as well.

When our regular stopped visiting our café I had bought myself a copy of “The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas” and he was right, it was an amazing short story. So now I was standing in front of a bunch of Murakami books and couldn’t decide which one I should buy. I only knew that he read something by Murakami once and since he seemed to have great taste in books, I figured I should give the author a shot as well.

“Hey!” I suddenly hear from my right and turn to see our missing customer standing in front me.

“Oh, hey!” I greet him and close the book I was skimming through. “Long time no see.”

Wait, he’s talking to me? So he wasn’t avoiding the shop because of what I said?

“Yeah, life’s been busy, so I had no time to stop by at the shop.” He explains with a guilty smile and I nod.

“That’s good!” I babbled before I could stop myself. “Uhm, you know that nothing bad happened.” I clarified and he chuckled.

“You were worried?” He questioned me in a more serious tone, the smile fading from his face and a frown appearing.

“Kind of. You didn’t look too well the last few times you were at the shop and since you used to come so often it kind of feels like we know each other, you know?” I told him with a more serious look on my face now, too.

“My name is Y/N by the way.” I added quickly when it dawned on me that we never formally introduced ourselves and extended my hand.

“Right, my name is Namjoon.” He replied and shook my hand. Maybe we shook them a little too long and when we realized we both let go awkwardly.

“So uhm…” Namjoon started and looked around the shop. “What are you doing here?”

“Looking for a book.” I shrugged and held the one I was holding up. “I thought about getting one from Murakami, but I’m not sure which one.”

Namjoon only nodded when he heard that and took a look at the various books placed in front of us.

“Have you read some of his books already?” He asked and I shook my head.

“Then it’s easy.” He continued and extended his right arm to grab a book from the top shelf. The title read “Almost Transparent Blue”.

“This one is amazing. I read it a while back, but it’s one of my favourites. I’d recommend it to everyone I know.” He elaborated and handed it to me.

“Sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll?” I questioned him and raised a quizzical eyebrow after reading the short description on the back.

He raised his arms in defense.

“You don’t have to buy it, it’s only a recommendation.”

“I guess I’ll give it a shot.” I shrugged and a satisfied grin appeared on his face.

“Good choice.”

We made our way over to the cash point and I paid for the book. Only now I noticed that Namjoon also held a book in his hand, but I couldn’t read the title.

After we finished paying, we exited the shop.

“What are you doing now?” He asked me and I looked at him in surprise. I totally didn’t expect him to ask me that.

“I don’t really have any plans to be honest. What about you?”

“I should get back to work, but I could spare some time for a coffee if you’d like? My treat.”

“Sure! If you really can that is. I don’t want you to get in trouble because of me.”

“No that’s fine. My job is pretty much like a freelancer at the moment, so don’t worry about it. It’s quite the opposite.” Hearing that made me feel more at ease about it, so we walked over to the nearest coffee shop we could find.

“Let me guess, you’re taking an iced Americano?” Of course I was right, he always orders one in our shop. “Then I’ll take one, too.”

We wait for our drinks and sit down at a cozy little table in the upper floor of the shop. We spent quite some time talking about whatever comes to our minds. Our favourite books, movies, music (a topic he seemed especially passionate about), hobbies and family.

Surprisingly there wasn’t even one moment of awkward silence. When the sun started setting we exited the shop and came to a stop outside the door.

“Wow, it’s getting dark already!” I exclaimed at the rosy view in front of us.

“Shit, you’re right! I’ll better get back to work now.” Namjoon said while scratching his head.

“Oh, sure, sorry I took up so much of your time.”

“No need to apologize for that. It was nice to get my thoughts off from work for a while.”

We exchanged phone numbers before we parted ways and I took the subway to get home.

The following weeks Namjoon was still busy and didn’t visit the shop very often, but after our encounter at the book shop we texted nearly every day. Christie was already teasing me about it constantly, but I brushed her off.

Until Namjoon invited me to a party.

“Come on Christie! I can’t go there on my own! And he said I could bring some friends!” I whined over the phone while Christe groaned.

“But I don’t even know anyone Y/N!”

“I don’t know anyone either! That’s why I need you!” I begged. “Also you can get to know new people much faster than I can, so forget complaining about that.”

“Fineee.” She finally agreed and I cheered, feeling relieved. “But I swear if you run off with Namjoon and I haven’t found an interesting person to chat with, I’ll be mad.”

“I doubt he’d even want to run off with me, but okay, I’ll ask for your permission first.” I chuckled and she laughed as well.

The days at work before the party we chatted about what we should wear, if there would be any cute guys, good food and drinks. And then the day of the party finally came. Christie had come over to my place so we could get ready together. I ended up wearing a classic little black dress, since Namjoon didn’t really tell me why they were having the party, so this was the safest option.

Christie went with a black mini skirt and a crop top. Then we searched for the public transport that would take us there and got going.

When we arrived at our destination, we were not standing in front of a normal building complex with apartments, but some company. Was this party related to his work? But he always somehow avoided talking about his work…

We rung the bell he told me to ring and waited anxiously while exchanging unnerved looks. This was different from what we expected. The door was opened and we went to the elevator and up to the 4th floor. Up there the music could be heard even before the elevator doors opened and I sighed in relief. Now that sounds like a party.

Still a little hesitant, we followed the music and ended up in a huge room filled with people. There were mostly young people, but also some older ones. Definitely work related.

I looked around the room in search for Namjoon, but couldn’t see him anywhere, so we went over to the bar. A drink would at least make it seem like we belonged here.

“I swear to god, I’ve heard BigHit somewhere before…” Christie mumbled and I frowned. When you own no television and don’t really catch up on mainstream media it was no surprise I didn’t know the name.

“Maybe something related to books? Since Namjoon reads a lot.” I shrugged and she shook her head.

“I doubt that.”

We stayed at the bar, continued to chat and watch more and more people arrive until someone tested a microphone. Just now we noticed the little stage like space at one end of the room.

“What is this party?” Christie whispered into my ear and all I could do was shrug again, after all I had no clue.

“Y/N! There you are!” I heard Namjoon’s familiar voice and seconds later he appeared next to me. In that exact moment the older man on the little stage cleared his throat.

“I really need to tell you something. Do you have a minute?” He asked in a hurry and I frowned.

“I promised not to leave my friend Christie alone, since she knows no one, sorry. But you can tell me here?” I suggested and he sighed.

“Not ideal, but I guess it will do.” He mumbled while the guy on stage started talking.

“Good evening everyone! We’re honored that all of you appeared here tonight to celebrate the success of the promotions of ‘You Never Walk Alone’!”

Promotions? You Never Walk Alone? Never heard of it.

“So you see…I never really told you what I work as right? And I guess you already figured out that this party is somehow work related. And the truth is I was so busy the last weeks, because we were promoting ‘You never Walk Alone’ our new album.”

Immediately I turned to him and stared at him with wide eyes and an open mouth, blurring out the man talking in the background.

“You’re a musician?!” I gasped and he nodded, unsure if my reaction was a positive or negative one.

“Yeah…” He admitted and frowned.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s just…I was surprised that you didn’t know at all and I didn’t want to ruin it and act like a jerk who thinks he’s cool because he is successful in the business.”

“Namjoon why would I think you’re a jerk?” I face palmed and he chuckled.

“Who knows?” He shrugged and I laughed it off.

Then music started playing in the background and I turned towards the stage again, where you could see some kind of music video.

“Is this one of your band mates?” I asked when a guy with a cute beanie and a blue cardigan appeared on the screen.

“Yep, that’s Taehyung. I’ll introduce you to them if you want, but I have to go now. See you later?” He questioned me with hopeful eyes and I nodded, then he disappeared into the crowd of people.

I continued to watch the music video and was surprised that Namjoon showed up as the very first person to rap. I was surprised by the sound of his voice and his looks. And we thought he looked stylish when he showed up in our coffee shop. Well, I would never wear a blazer over a sweater, but he looked amazing nonetheless.

The song itself was really calming and not at all what I was expecting from the kind of music Namjoon preferably listens to. Then I caught a glimpse of a word in the video. Omelas! So that’s what he’s been reading it for!

Now that I recognized the word, I tried to read into everything that was going on much more and at the end of the video I was impressed. I couldn’t believe Namjoon was part of this.

Then another video came up and the feeling was entirely different. The name was probably ‘Not Today’ they said that pretty often. But wait? Namjoon had purple hair? I didn’t even notice in the previous video! But he had brown hair now, didn’t he?

The video ended as fast as the first one and I turned to Christie in awe.

“Was that…Namjoon?” She asked in confusion and I nodded slowly.

“Yeah, he just told me he is a musician. Judging from the amount of people here they must be huge! Do we live under a rock or something?!” I complained. I really needed to buy a TV. Like tomorrow.

“You definitely do. I’m more disappointed in myself. I even heard of them, but never looked up their stuff. What the hell.” Christie joined in and we went back to the bar to get another drink.

Then the band got called up on stage and they thanked everyone in the team who worked on the album with them.

Only now I had the chance in to take in Namjoon’s appearance. He looked smoking hot!! How could he look better every single time I saw him?

“Ok, now it’s obvious he’s an idol. All of them are so hot. Y/N you need to introduce me to at least one of them.” Christie insisted and I sighed.

“I don’t even know them myself. And if they’re idols they probably have a dating ban, so don’t get your hopes up.”

She looked at me with concern in her eyes.

“I never got my hopes up okay.” I clarified and she rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, right.”

In the meanwhile the boys had left the stage and were talking to some of the people in the crowd. I didn’t really want to get in Namjoon’s way and, as Christie pointed out, my hopes up. So we just walked around the decorated room, grabbed some food and then went over to the dance floor.

After a while someone tapped me on the shoulder and I was greeted by Namjoon’s smile.

“Enjoying yourself?” He questioned me and I nodded.

“A little isolated, but we’re having fun.” I joked. “Join us?”

“Nah, I’m not really a dancer.”

“…You’re an idol…?” Christie chimed in and Namjoon shrugged.

“I am, but did you watch the videos just now? Definitely not the best dancer out there.” He continued and I sighed.

“There is no skill level needed to dance with us though.” I countered, but he shook his head.

“I’ll pass for now, but how about I introduce you to the others?” He suggested and of course we agreed, so we followed him over to where the boys were chatting among themselves right now.

“Hey guys! This Y/N and Christie, they work at the coffe shop I usually go to.”

“Oh the girl you…” One of them started, but Namjoon cut in.

“Yes the one I told you I invited to the party.” He stated with a glare and the guy laughed. If I remembered right it was the one with the blue cardigan in the first video.

“Hey! It’s so nice to meet you. Namjoon never told us he had a band.” I greeted them awkwardly and they looked at him, acting offended.

“Wow, are you ashamed of us?” “What did we do to you?” “I’m so disappointed!”

Christie and I laughed and the guys laughed as well. Then Namjoon introduced them one by one and we talked about their music, how long they’ve been together, how long they trained, all that stuff.

At some point I needed to use the restroom, so I excused myself. Before I could rejoin the group however I was caught by Namjoon.

“Hey, can we talk right now? The boys are taking care of Christie, don’t worry” He added when he noticed my concerned look. I couldn’t fathom what he’d want to talk to me about, so I agreed.

We left the room and walked down the hallways, until Namjoon opened the door to a small room.

“A studio?” I asked while looking around.

“My studio.” He explained and I gasped.

“Nice.” I stated while inspecting the room. “A lot of figurines.”

“Oh, yeah, do you think it’s too much?”

“No, it’s fine. It’s your studio anyway, right?” I encouraged him and he seemed relieved that I didn’t mind them. “So what did you want to talk about?”

“Nothing in particular. I only wanted to show you some more music. Maybe some of my solo stuff if you want? I mean ‘Spring Day’ and ‘Not Today’ are good, but it doesn’t cover everything we’ve done.”

“I’d love that!”

We sat down in front of his desk and he opened up some files. Their biggest hits and some tracks of his mixtape. Every single song was incredible.

“Ok now I feel like a potato next to you.” I sighed and leaned back into my chair.

“Don’t say that. There are many things you’re better at than I will ever be.” He tried to cheer me up, but I was having none of it.

“Making coffee isn’t the same as creating amazingly beautiful and emotional music. I’ve never seen anyone crying, because they’ve tasted a cup of coffee.” I rolled my eyes.

“It doesn’t have to be work related you know.” He sighed and I shrugged, remaining silent. “We’ll just agree on the fact that you’re great, ok?”

I agreed in defeat and then remembered something.

“Oh, right! I saw an Omelas sign in one of the music videos! Don’t tell me you read the book for that?” I inquired and he chuckled.

“You noticed? I told you it was work related. We have a consistent background story going on in most of our MVs, but it would be too much to explain it to you now.”

“I have time.” I stated and Namjoon laughed.

“As much as I’d like to spend more time alone with you, I still have to show up at the party again or rumors will start circulating.” Ouch.

“Sure…” I mumbled, trying my best to conceal the stinging pain in my chest. Not getting my hopes up had worked really well.

We left Namjoon’s studio behind and and rejoined the others at the actual party location. I noticed Christie chatting happily with Jin and ventured out to the bar by myself where I got another drink. It didn’t take long until another person showed up behind me. Hoseok.

“Hey are you alright?” He asked me with a frown and I smiled at him.

“Sure, I’m fine, why?”

“I don’t know, you seemed unhappy when you came back, so I thought I’d ask.” He shrugged and sat down next to me.

“No, it’s all good.” I insisted, but he was having none of it.

“Did Namjoon say something to you?” He hit the bull’s eye and I sighed. “Look, I don’t know what he said and I don’t want to pry, but I know he appears all smooth and good with words, but when he’s nervous he’s not. I bet whatever he said he only wanted to protect you.”

“Protect me from what?” I furrowed my brows and he grinned.

“Our Armys can get a little wild.” He said and slid off his seat. “Cheer up, ok?”

And with that he disappeared again.

I stayed at the bar for quite a while and tried to sort out my thoughts. Just when I thought I finally managed to do so, Christie and Namjoon appeared.

“There you are! We were searching for you everywhere!” Christe exclaimed and hugged me, clearly a little tipsy.

“Oh, sorry. I only got another drink.” I told them and raised my glass.

“So, the boys and I were planning on taking this party home with some close friends. Do you want to come?” Namjoon suggested and I thought about it for a while.

“Do you want to Christe?” I asked and she nodded eagerly.

“Sure, why not.” I shrugged and not long after we found ourselves in a van driving to their dorm.

Of course not everyone had fit into one van, so we were divided into groups. There was Taehyung, Yoongi, Hoseok, Namjoon, Christie, me and two others I didn’t know the names of in the van. Music was playing and everybody was having a good time.

A short time later we parked in an underground parking lot and all of us squeezed into the elevator. The boy’s dorm was tidy and even a little bit decorated. They definitely prepared for this. Taehyung proposed a little house tour for us and we found ourselves wandering through their various rooms.

“Wouldn’t have expected you guys to be so tidy.” Christie pointed out and Taehyung chuckled.

“Hobi is very diligent about us tidying, so we have no choice.”

We walked through a few more rooms until Taehyung opened the door to his own room.

“This is Namjoon’s and my room.” He announced and I looked at the pile of stuffed toys.

“Don’t tell me these are Namjoon’s.” I laughed and Taehyung grinned.

“Ok, I won’t.” He joked and told us that they were rarely home anyway.

After that we walked back into the now packed living room. Christie and I stayed for a few more hours, but decided it was time to leave before it got too late.

“Let me walk you home?” Namjoon asked when they found out that Christie didn’t live too far from their dorm and I had to walk a little longer on my own.

“You don’t have to. I can just take a taxi. No need to leave your own party for that.” I smiled and he shook his head.

“It’s not that I have to, I want to.” He insisted and I sighed, giving in.

We walked up to where Christie lived together and then it was only me and Namjoon.

“So…” I started.

“So?”

“Not afraid of being seen outside with me?” I teased and he looked at me with shock in his eyes. “You know rumors and stuff.” I added hastily and he frowned.

“Yeah Hobi told me you weren’t happy that I said that.”

“He told you?!” I asked. Wow, I’ll never tell Hoseok about my feelings ever again.

“I asked where he’s been and he said he checked on you and I asked why, that’s all. He probably knew I was worried.”

“About what?” I questioned him and he shrugged.

“About you.”

“Why?”

“Look I’m not dumb, I notice when you’re acting strange as well. Of course I get worried.” He clarified and I looked to the ground. Sometimes it really sucked that I couldn’t hide my feelings very well. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings when I said that. I just know that dating as an idol isn’t the best thing to do. And you’d suffer because of it more than I would.”

“Wait, what?!”

Namjoon stopped and I turned around to look at him in the faint street light.

“I like you. From the very first moment I saw you in the coffee shop I wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t know what to say, so I stayed quiet. I planned on asking you out long ago and when you approached me and we met in the book store…I just knew it was now or never. But you saw that I have close to no time to spend with you, so I thought it would be better not to say anything.”

I stood there in disbelief. My eyes wide, mind blank and a pounding heart.

“Probably shouldn’t have said that…” Namjoon said while scratching the back of his head and started to walk again, but I grabbed his hand. He stopped and turned back towards me, but I still didn’t know what to say.

“So…you’re saying you want to…date me?” I asked quietly and slowly raised my eyes to meet his soft gaze. He nodded quietly.

“I’d like that very much.”

A grin formed on Namjoon’s face and he leaned forward to seal my lips with his.

[iceamericanoventi]

Love Will Find a Way, Well, Eventually : 2. In Between

“Where are you going?”

If it was inside Cartoon Network’s universe, everyone must be able to see the smoke fuming from both his nostrils and ears. Jinki looks beyond distressed when he’s lifting his ass from the chair. No one on the table was his partner, but Minho decided to throw some ridiculous question then played dumb as if he didn’t just ask one.

“Should I have number one here?”

He started getting irked, but that doesn’t stay long until Kibum casually munched his breadstick while spluttering his witty comments as usual, “Surely Taemin would be delightful.”

Taemin who didn’t do anything almost chocked himself with a piece of tomato and kicked Kibum’s shin under the table, eventually.

“Promise me you won’t run away?”

Dumbfounded, Jinki emptied his pocket and almost smashed the table with his belonging.

“Are you my husband? Here’s my wallet. And my phone!” and with that, he left the other three men finishing their meal.

“Is he always in this temper?”

Lee Taemin gave him another look, pleading him not to embarrass them further, but Kibum just shrugged and muttered ‘I’m just asking’ under his nose.

“He was mad with me since this afternoon. Plus, he has lots of stuffs to think about these days. But don’t worry, he never really got mad unless you disturb his nap.”

“What is he? A bear?”

“Yaa! Kim Kibum!”

Minho couldn’t help but laugh to the scene happened before his eyes. Taemin is famous for being friendly and very expressive only if you know him, even if he’s talkative. To penetrate his bubble is very hard at first, but this man sitting across him, he seems like he’s already inside that bubble since the very beginning. He really is someone closed to him. Kibum looks mesmerizing, even in his grumbling nature. The oversize sweater wrapped his lithe build perfectly.

A phone call arrived to Kibum's phone, he picked it up frantically and excused himself to take it outside.

"What do you think?"

“Eh?” Minho doesn’t even realized he got his eyes entailed Kibum’s silhouette until it disappear by the entrance door.

“You seemed in trance. I know Kibum is beautiful but I didn’t expect you’ll be this amazed with my friend,” Taemin’s sipping his wine, a smirk is very apparent in his devious face. 

“I guess it’s safe to say that you’re not a liar.”

Minho reopened his mouth few minutes after he’s assured that Kibum’s not going back any soon. Taemin is not ecstatic, sometimes he wondered if Minho has a decent sense of humor of a friend.

“For your information, I’m not and never been. I’m the most honest person you’ve ever encountered in your life.”

“Everyone in this room knows that’s not true.”

“Whatever. I might know my ways deceiving people, but I never lie to my friend.”

 “Did you just admit that you’re lying here and there, Lee Taemin?”

Taemin rolls his eyes, again, probably for the nth times already this evening. Without Jinki around, he can be more relaxed on throwing his tantrum on Minho.

“Choi Minho, people lies at some certain points of their life. Get over it.”

He gulped down the rest of his wine, Taemin then called a waiter near them to bring him another one.

“Kibum seems nice. He sounds smart.”

“Sounds? Did you even listen to yourself? No writer is not smart, Choi. Moreover, someone who’s been writing the past decade!”

“I only know him for one night. Who knows he’s just acting?”

“Dude, not everyone is an asshole like you.”

“An asshole wouldn’t agree to bring his best friend along in front of a psychopath like you.”

Taemin snorted and Minho’s smirk reappeared on his face.

“That is literally what a psycho would do, selling their friend for their own benefits.”

Minho wiped his mouth before washed down the dinner with cold water, “And that’s exactly what Jinki accused me for. You two shared a brain or what?”

“Any sane people would say the same, Honey,” this time Taemin’s smirk that made the other scoffed, “By the way, what’s the deal with Jinki? He looks like he’s been sitting on thorny cushion the whole dinner!”

Minho knows Taemin would ask such question eventually. However, he couldn’t say that Jinki hates the whole dinner date plan, it’s impossible. Besides that, knowing him for years, Jinki really is an angel in disguise, well, at least when he’s in the mood.

“People have different, what should I say, defense mechanism? And that’s how he is. What kind of person who talked nonstop during their first meeting, anyway?”

“Oh, I don’t know, me?”

“That’s why you’re a freak.”

“A freak who introduced you to your potentially next boyfriend.”

“Ha. Point taken,” Minho raised his hand to ask for the dessert, “Jinki is just not the type of person who will talk a lot and open up in a second. But I guarantee you, he’s a good person. Sometimes a little bit care too much for other at certain time so probably being brazen is his forte.”

“That reminds me of someone.”

Taemin and Kibum spent their high school days together. Separated for some years due to works and educations, their relationship’s all well maintained. They understand each other, including Kibum’s nature to always put others before him at any given situation.

“Appearance wise, though, what do you think about Jinki?”

“Choi Minho, I’m not a teenager anymore. Judging people around by its cover is no longer my habit.”

“But a designer like you must love a beautiful package, don’t they?”

“Well, to be honest, his lips and eyes itself could get me floored in one glance.”

“I knew it.”

“You’re a famous photographer for a reason.”

***

Cold wind slapped Kibum’s cheeks lightly when he pushed the door and parched to the corner near the valet post.

“Okay, now you can speak. Sorry, I don’t know why the reception wasn’t good enough inside.”

“Then I’ll be frankly here. There’s a possibility for making the special edition for the short story collection. But then, we’re still short of two stories at the moment.”

“Wait, wait, but we already have nine! I finished writing nine! Why should I add another two?”

“The publisher agreed to the preposition for at least twelve stories. You should be grateful I could pitch one less story!”

Kibum looks like he’s about to punch anyone passed within radius one meter around him, but nothing in reach besides a huge pot of short palm tree and concrete wall. And he needs his hand to finish his books still.

“But, Amber. Page wise, those are more than enough to make two new books. Are they out of their mind?”

There’s a loud groan banging on his ear drum came from the other line, “Dude, I almost flipped the table when I was at the meeting you have no idea. The board has new man and that guy is a pain in the ass.”

“Would it change the circumstance if I talked to them by myself?”

“Since when do they have time to talk to the writer directly? We’re head to head with bunch of snobs here, did you forget?”

“I should had not agree to let them touched my writings. Now we’re about to face dead end.”

It was a dream to work along this publisher. It was Kibum’s dream since he started writing when he took gap year after graduated high school. And as if it’s a fate, it was the only publisher agreed with his graphic novel concept five years he climbed his career professionally.

“Listen, Kibum. When I met you years ago, I promised I’ll work my ass hard to help you publishing your books. Not because I knew you, it’s because you’re good. You’re amazing writer and I’m not giving up easily. And neither you. Not when anybody can tell that you’re a gem.”

“I haven’t written any book since last year, Amber. I’m in a slump. Writer’s block is not even describing my bad luck at the moment.”

“Honey, you haven’t written any because you’re currently waiting two books released. And if I could do my magic, another one in, let’s say, six months.”

“If I could make up some words into another story within two weeks. If you could convince them to give me mercy.”

“Did you just know me yesterday?”

Kibum’s tired giving sane response, “What do you mean?”

“I’m waiting their secretary to call me in ten minutes. We’re going to discuss some new deals and I’ll make sure one of them is going to be your new nine stories book.”

“I actually have no idea if I don’t have you as my editor slash manager slash friend slash personal ranting partner slash whatever you want to be.”

“Rockstar. That would be cool.”

“You’re going to be a kick ass one to be honest.”

“I bet. Anyway, expect another call from me in the next couple hours. I’m sorry, but tonight we might need video call to resolve some issues.”

“I hate you for confiscating my time but you’re the best.”

“As always, ain’t I?”

The phone call ends already, but he still forlornly looking at his phone’s screen. With that, Kibum remembers all the works he needs to catch up for tonight. With that, he can put aside all the unnecessary anxiety and tension of tonight’s stupid match making session.

He took a glance of his watch and could only sighed, he better hurried inside to his dessert. The faster he finished, the sooner he can hit home and face the real deal. His deadlines.

Two steps away from the entrance however, he caught a familiar face sitting by themselves, staring to the busy street in front of the restaurant.

“Jinki?” he carefully calling the man, “Lee Jinki, right?”

The later tilted his head to the right and gave Kibum a simple smile, didn’t realize it dropped Kibum’s heart by the bottom of his gut.

“Aren’t you cold?”

Everyone would agree this winter is even harsher than last year’s. Jinki just lifted his left hand to make sure Kibum saw a cigarette slipped between his fingers, “Can I sit here?”

Jinki chuckles, “Aren’t you cold?”

Listening to the same question he threw a minute ago, he just rolled his eyes and took a place next to the other man.

“I’m waiting a phone call.”

“Important?”

“Kinda.”

Jinki blew some smoke out, “Hmm, I guess so. You sounded pretty upset over there.”

“Did I scream that loud?!”

“In my opinion? No. but a girl flinched and buzzed off rather hastily, so, you tell me.”

When he saw Kibum’s gaping like a fish in frantic expression, Jinki has no choices beside laughed again, surprising Kibum who’s quite convinced with his aloof personalities.

“I didn’t know you have so many jokes in store.”

“You learn something new every day.”

“Your face doesn’t show.”

“What about my face?”

“It’s handsome but with that attitude inside, seems like you’re the type who woke up at the wrong side of the bed every single morning and could kill someone annoys you at any time.”

“Well, to be fair, I did wake up in the wrong side of my bed this morning. But it’s because a certain dog occupied half of my blanket so I couldn’t disturb her.”

“You have a dog?!”

Kibum’s face lit up thousand times as if he just won some lottery. Strangely, it warms Jinki’s heart. No, scratch that, it would warm any heart, Jinki tried to generalize the situation.

“I don’t, unfortunately. She belongs to my friend. I’m taking care of her while he’s travelling abroad. Her father will pick her up this weekend.”

“Ah, too bad. We could have play date with my boys.”

“I’ll make sure to give you a call when I decided to adopt one later.”

“Do you think my invitation hasn’t expired yet by that time?”

“A man can only dream, can’t he?”

Kibum’s laughter is muffled by his own palm covering his mouth.

“Let’s go inside, you must be shivering.”

“But your cigarette?”

Kibum’s half stuttered caught red handed, Jinki already pressed the half-done cigarette on the sand bowl on his left, “I can always have another one at home. Besides, I doubt you would go inside without me dragging you along.”

Kibum thanked the universe that the place is not well lit, so he could hide the blush creeping his cheeks. Unfortunately, Jinki has a very good eye sight.

***

“Is my baby being a good girl when daddy’s away?”

Jinki scoffed when the man just entered his living room just literally threw his suitcase aside and scooped the little dachshund running toward his embrace. He gathered the suitcase and poor leather bag on the floor and placed it neatly near the saffron color couch.

The man later dropped himself next to Jinki who’s lounged himself there, checking his phone halfheartedly.

“Minho texted me the other day.”

“Why did he keep texting you?”

The man with dark grey hair didn’t catch the frown hanging on Jinki’s face and buried his face to the dog’s belly, making him groaned again. He lightly pushed the dog further and toppled his head on the other man’s laps.

The dog owner realized something’s happened when he’s not around. He put the dog on the ground and tapped her butt to send her back to her small bed near the pantry.

“Minho has my number and I have his name in my contact list. He can text me whenever he wants. Still jealous?”

Jinki closed his eyes when he started playing with his hair, “He’s still one of the reasons we broke up.”

“Baby, the only reason we broke up is because neither of us didn’t want to succumb into marriage. Minho was just a handsome face happened on the wrong time.”

“I have no idea why I still befriend him when it’s clear he wanted to shove his face to yours, all the damn time.”

“And I have no idea that you’re this type who holds the grudge for a long time. We were already out of relationship back then.”

“Still, a friend wouldn’t openly chase after their friend’s ex.”

“A friend wouldn’t, but a best friend would.”

“Whatever.”

He almost lost his control and slapped Jinki’s head of him, “Oh, come on. What’s bothering you this time?”

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit. It’s written all over your face the second I saw you behind the door. And I’m pretty sure it’s not because my daughter misbehaved while I’m on my annual pediatric conference.”

Jinki sighed, nothing he could really hide it from the other man. Since they were in their almost five years relationship, since they became best friends around three years prior.

“Minho invited me for a dinner night.”

“Wow, fancy,” actually Minho already texted him about the dinner a bit, how he wanted to introduce Jinki to some acquaintance he has, “He gave up on me so he went for the only option?”

“For the record, your mom agreed that I’m way much sexier than you.”

“Three years ago, before your cheek bones buried under those mount of fluffy fat.”

“Said a man who came to me and straight ahead told me I looked cute after leaving a piece of paper with their number on my table.”

“I will put aside the fact that I love how romantic you’re for still remembering our first meeting but let’s back to the right path here because I don’t like the upset you. It’s fucking annoying.”

“He introduced me to someone, Jonghyun.”

He let out inaudible gasp and thanked the universe Jinki’s still closing his eyes. Otherwise, he would stop at once and avoided any discussion of the main reason which distressed his ex-boyfriend. Knowing the scenario before hands didn’t prevent him with the sheer pain graze him when it came from Jinki’s mouth himself.

“So? Isn’t that great? Do you think it’s about time?”

“I was about to argue that two years are still not enough to get over you but I guess you’re not in the same page with me so I’d say that I’m not interested into some relationship whatsoever at this point.”

Jonghyun wanted to cry listening to such words. His heart clenched, he inhaled – a very long one – before he continued caressing Jinki’s forehead.

“I am flattered, but I know you’re just teasing me.”

“Ha, you know me so well.”

“I’m not gonna fall on the same hole, Lee.”

“You won’t. You’re too smart to repeat the torture on the loop.”

“It wasn’t a torture, Jinki. I love you as much as you do. Or maybe just slightly more.”

“Not a chance. I love you more.”

“Stop it or I will kiss you.”

“I dare you.”

“I told you I’m not gonna fall on the same hole.”

“Smart, very smart,” Jinki opened his eyes only to find Jonghyun sticking his tongue out, “Okay, so at first, I don’t like the idea already. You know I hate any type of match making method. Even the online one. But being there, I realized that my current focus doesn’t involved other party besides me, my business, and—“

“And your grandfather?”

Jinki looks annoyed, “Remind me to add ‘always-cutting-people-sentence’ on the list of reasons why I broke up with you when I’m writing my journal tonight.”

“It’s true. I think he was also the cock blocker during our relationship back then.”

“Dude, we’re talking about my gramps. And to put him on the same category with Minho is beyond weird.”

“We already broke up when Minho made his move, for Pete’s sake!”

“Okay, okay! No need to raise your voice, you’re so scary when you’re angry.”

“Then don’t make me! Now, now, can you please be a normal human being so we can talk like adults for once?”

Jinki pulled himself from the couch to the pantry, snatching a pack of cigarette on the tea table before slipped one on the corner of his mouth.

“Can you not smoking inside?”

He snorted and padded to the direction of his balcony. It’s in the middle of winter but he doesn’t care a bit to the wind ready to slaughter his bones. If tomorrow the cold prevented him to leave the bed, then let it be. For once, he just wants to free his mind from the business.

“You need to remember that I can only treat patient on certain age,” Jonghyun followed few minutes after with a blanket he spread as wide as possible to cover both of them without feeling suffocated for standing too close.

“The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends people be under pediatric care up to the age of 21, though.”

“Did you just quote Wikipedia? And we’re not in fucking States! Above and beyond, shame on your wrinkles!”

“Rude.”

“You’re the rude one to your lungs!”

“Then tell me how to ease my mind without nicotine! Tell me how to forget all those troubled night and just sleep! Do you think it’s easy taking care of worrisome business and messy family without distraction?! Stop talking non sense if you do know how to save my days!”

Any word seems taboo once Jinki exploded. Both man just staring into the dark evening below Jinki’s unit. People paraded as quickly as possible on the street to fight the harsh weather. It’s not that late, but only few cars passed by. The dim light of the street lamp’s soothing the tense atmosphere in a way.

Jonghyun leaned closer to Jinki’s arm and rested his head on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t help you with that.”

“I’m sorry I yelled at you.” 

“You know that you can always talk to me right?”

“I’m tired bothering you. You already have a lot in your hands.”

“Besides my patients and Roo, there’s nothing really confiscated my time.”

Having someone like Jonghyun who would stand next to him, scold him then hug him right after, no matter how awful he behaved and treated the other man, Jinki every so often thinking what kind of good deeds he did in his previous life.

Jinki cocked his head, inhaling the trace of scent of Jonghyun’s favorite shampoo. Initially, he was about to kiss the top of his head, like he used to do when the other man leaned on him for whatever reason it was. He remember, though, the earlier period after their broke up – after settling their feelings for few months of course – the shorter man told him not to do that anymore because it was the doctor’s Achilles heel. So instead, he rubs his cheek over the thick hair, silently telling Jonghyun he’s sorry.

Some nights – especially right after that dinner date – he had thought, maybe one of the reason he reprimands Minho’s idea is just because he still has tiny hope that Jonghyun and him might had another chance in the future.

“From time to time, I was thinking that the more day passed, we’re closer to the image of friends with benefit.”

“Friends with benefit? Tsk,” Jonghyun slapped his forearm, “The only benefit I got from you is you’re the only perfect nanny for Roo when I’m away.”

“Those cups of coffee every single time you stopped by my shop?”

“Pfft. How stingy. I’m leaving.”

“Heartless.”

Jonghyun didn’t say anything more and returned inside to gather his things and called Roo. He desperately needs some hot shower. Somewhere inside him, he was expecting Jinki offering him to stay the night knowing how caring the man and the fact Jinki knows he bolted to the other’s apartment right away after landed.  

When Jinki handed him the leash, that hope vanished in second.

“What if later I really considered this person? Or any other person collided with me on the future?”

Jonghyun smiled, he looks tired, but very sincere, “Then good.”

“Because I’m not gonna bother you anymore?”

“No. Because you’ll have someone to share the happiness with.”

***

cross-posted in my AFF

[yoongihoseok97]

BTS reaction- they get back home from tour

BTS HYUNG LINE

Summary- your boyfriend had gone on tour and like usual you were missing him. This time seemed different and you couldn’t stop thinking about him, but his arrival back home came sooner than you thought ...

Kim Seokjin:

It had only been a short while that Jin has been off on tour but it felt like ages. Things were different without him and you weren’t sure if you enjoyed it or not. You were comfortably sat on the sofa watching a programme when you lost yourself in a deep thought again. Blankets and cushions were thrown over the sofa, empty take out bags were thrown upon the table, hell there was even a sort of banana hat lying on the floor which had its own story completely. His sent was literally everywhere and, constantly lingering in your nose and going to his head. What was he doing? Did he miss you just as much? A sharp ring of your doorbell (which Jin insisted on having) woke you from your thoughts. That would be another take out. You slithered yourself off your dent and opened your door. To what you had expected to be your English-Chinese food was instead a tall brooding man with his hair bright pink. “Jin what the hell-“ you were cut off from your words when Jin pushed you into the house with a forceful kiss straight in top of your ‘o’ shaped mouth. When he realeased for an intake of breath you saw that his eyes had the usual glow of excitement which complimented his skin that looked a nice shade of light caramel. His head tired to look over your shoulder as he looked around at the mess you had left on the floor.

“Take out? Really? Damn. You must’ve missed me...is that my hat?”

Kim Namjoon:

Having namjoon away was always hard on you, especially when it had been this long. He always tended to your needs and right now you were needy. Although this can be a good thing, a very good thing with namjoon, it wasnt great when you were all alone and with a new set of lingerie that you hadn’t even got to wear yet. You had originally planned to surprise namjoon with it when he had got home a week ago but his stay elsewhere was increased again. You were slightly sick of it since it had now been four months since he had last been home with you. So here you sat, alone and on your bed with the new lingerie in front of you. It was a nice set though and you had to admit that whether you got to wear it for someone or not, which just made you feel even worse. Trying it on you found that the white lace complimented your shape and damn you had to admit you looked good. “Mmhh, I thought that we could at least have dinner first.” The voice literally had you jumping on top of you bed covering yourself as a natural reaction. “Namjoon! What the hell, I thought you weren’t back for another week or so, i didn’t even hear you-“ namjoons deep laugh cut you off from your words as his head fell to the floor to slowly pull back up as he studied your body from bottom to top. ”I know,I know, and I’m sorry for keeping you waiting but we got an early leave,” you went to say something, anything, but he began walking his way over to you and held your hips, forcing you to lift your weight up and put it around his waist. “Princess lets just a bit of fun, it’s been so long.”

Min Yoongi:

Both you and yoongi were pretty good at the whole long distance part of the relationship to be truthfully honest. It wouldn’t bother you too much but there were days that you did miss him but you always knew that he would come back to you at some point. Bit this time was different. He wasn’t hurt or anything, more the opposite way around. You two had got in a fight recently and then he left for tour and so here you were, left stranded only a month later yet with no texts nor calls. Maybe he was busy. Or maybe he as still pissed. He definitely had a reason to be, you decided to be a bit of a brat and not told him that your parents wanted you to come and live at home with them. Of course that isn’t what you had wanted, you enjoyed your apartment even if it wasn’t with Yoongi, but at least it was close. But your mother had always wanted to keep a strict eye on you, especially now that she was getting a bit ill. And now he wasn’t even talking to you. He was supposed to be home soon and you were honestly shitting yourself. Not that he scared you but his reaction to you having to go away, which you had decided not to do, but you still hadn’t had the time to tell him- a loud rustle at the door awoke you from your loud thoughts and your heart climbed into your throat. Walking into his living room you saw him, clearly a bit tired from the flight but you knew he always slept through it so he had probably just woke up. He saw you when he turned around and he did not look impressed what’s so ever. “Hey” you spoke weakly as if his look had control over you. “Don’t,” he stopped you when you reopened your mouth clearly knowing that you were about to speak about your dilemma, yet again he shocked you. “I’m tired, and I’ve missed you so how about we go and take a shower together, maybe then you can make your decision when I ask you to live with me.”

Jung Hoseok:

“Surprise!” A screaming hobi had came running into your apartment with a box of your favourite chocolates and a huge smile on his face. Your sunshine had been away for far too long with his tour so it was good to have him back. Seeing him with all of his fans, smiling at them and waving was so warming to your heart it could’ve made you feel jealous. But when he was around you he was so much more different. Of course he was happy all the time but he was caring and generous and loving and he properly opened his heart up for you. “Agh my jaiga, I’ve missed you so much!” After a while of talking you and Hoseok settled down on the sofa with your takeout and the chocolates he had given you. He told you how the tour went and a few funny things that the others had done and how much he had been trying with his dances. He even got up and showed you what he had been working on, letting you join in a bit. “Come here and I can show you how you do it.” He had pulled you in front of a mirror and demonstrated a few moves which he found hilarious when you failed to do some of it. You swayed your hips and moved your legs in what you thought was what he had done and looked up to him to see if you had done it correctly, but instead he was just staring and you had caught him off guard. You giggled at his attempt to hide it but he just shook it off. “Well I can’t help that my jaiga is beautiful.” He moved his hands so they were placed around your waist, easily turning you around with our back towards the mirror and his whole body pressed against yours. His cologne went straight to your nose as your face buried in his neck when he left a trail of soft kisses against your jawline,mumbling in your hair. “Ah I’ve definitely missed this.”

GIFS DO NOT RIGHTFULLY BELONG TO ME

-I’m sorry this took so long I don’t have an excuse but I hope you enjoy, I’ll do something different for the maknae line. I’m also sorry about the very different sizes to each member. I’ll try to keep more up to date for you guys xxx

-anon suga💤

[namuneulbo]

week four

this week was similar to last week, u know, ups and downs or whatever (but if were being totally honest, isnt every week like that?) but a lot of things happened. i had three tests: health, english and finnish. it was v tiring since i happened to have a lot of other schoolwork as well so its been v exhausting but one funny thing is that i only had one offline school day and it lasted for an hour and a half. its not that special though since i spent my entire days doing online school stuff instead lol

i had a job interview on monday for a cleaning job. it went surprisingly well and everyone working at that office were milfs so it was an overall good experience even if i dont get the job. i still need to look for some more jobs though in case i dont get that one. ive applied for a few already but havent had any other interviews. i became a bit obsessed w eric nams podcast daebak show so i listened to that as well as a few txt songs when i was walking to and from the interview.

on the way home i stopped by a store to use up the gift card i had. i first went to the makeup store but i didnt really know what i was looking for so i just went into the grocery store bc i knew i at least wanted a ben & jerrys. the gift card had 15€ on it so i couldnt get anything too hefty but i ended up really liking what i got; a ben & jerrys and three packs of rhinestone stickers. i finally got to try a vegan ben & jerrys flavor!! b&j are so expensive so i usually only get them when theyre on sale. they quite often have 3 pints for 10€ but the non-diary ones arent included in those. i got the cookie dough one since cookie dough is one of my fav flavors of the regular ice creams. i got the rhinestone stickers bc ive wanted to get some for a while so i can put them on my face !! im so excited to use them while wearing some cute makeup look.

ive become obsessed w quite a lot of songs this week. i made a january pl where i put all the songs that stick out to me this month. some ive already played sm im a bit tired of them >-< a few im not tired of yet though would be ghosting by txt, dreams come true by aespa and save your tears by the weeknd. by the end of the year ill have 12 pls that ill later mash into one big 2022 pl !!!!

on wednesday (i think ??) i finally got my new glasses. idk how to describe them really but theyre quite square and have no frames around the lenses and the side parts have rhinestones on them. i feel like ive mentioned rhinestones a lot in this post,, i just like glittery things TT anyways i love these glasses a lot and i feel so me in them. ALSO, its so nice to be able to see and also not get constant headaches FUCK im so relieved.

thursday i had a doctors appointment (or i guess psychologist??). i thought hed be a psychiatrist so i was expecting a diagnosis but nope, he was just some middleground and he wrote a referral to a psychiatrist after hearing me explain my symptoms. l said theres only one psychiatrist in the area though so it might take a WHILE before i get (or dont get) my ocd diagnose.

(doctor, this is a bit embarrassing but if u ever happen to read this, u are so fit. u single?)

friday was so amaze!!!! since i had no school and finished my tests i got to rest during the day and in the evening i met up w l and we got take-out and went to my place and watched singles inferno. as a bisexual, that show is pretty amaze but im too biased bc i wont let go of soyeon and yeawon. i quite like sihun too. idk,,,,, am i just a living bi stereotype? probably.

saturday was incredibly uneventful.

sunday, today, i went to visit my brother since it was his birthday on thursday. i got him a chocolate bar (well, my mom bought it for me since i didnt join her on her grocery shopping trip and she offered to pay for it too lol but its from me in spirit or whatever). he was busy renovating when we got there so i was bored to death but at least i got to pet some cats and a dog so it wasnt TOO bad. on our way home my mom and i stopped by mcdonalds which was nice :]

sotw: obey me! boys - its my party

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 8 | ”Being a muppet is a contagious disease. ” - Ali

omg so?! i need to do a proper long confessional and go through my thoughts because i just got like a tsunami of information but... jake lived?! and idoled out scott who i thought was gonna win?! hello?!? i'm so so so excited because now i get to work with jake and he is SUCH a shield, and me/him/autumn are gonna ride off into the sunset im manifesting it.

what the HELL is going on here first jake pulls out an idol (which i was JUST gossipping with jordan pines about him having it because i know just how he plays and would ya look at that!) i was so ELATED to read he did that, thinking ok, i gave him a fair warning those false beauties we're gonna get us all, and they voted him unanimously so surely he'll take one of them out and ... HE TAKES OUT SCOTT?? i dont even have time to process this bafoonery yet because here i am, minding my business, trying to watch micronesia to heal the hole in my heart left by w*nners at w*r, eating a piece of pizza and then BOOM we merge?? but oh ok! they said we get a nice little break, lemme not stress and go back to eating my piz- NOPE THERE IS SO SUCH THING AS A BREAK IN SURVIVOR GORL I SWEAR I PUT MY PHONE DOWN TO GET ONE BITE, I COULDNT EVEN ENJOY MY EXTRA CHEESE BECAUSE MY TELEPHONE IS BLOWING UPPPP people are spilling tea left and right, i probably dont even have time to write this so i gotta keep it short and sweet; the false beautys are really trying to slide in my pms and sing kumbaya and if they wanna sing with me, bring it on because they are not a songstress like i am, ill riff run and harmonize yall right off this island. PERIOD. ive been REALLY trying to play up this card where im just some dumb bitch, let everyone keep thinking im the mayor of boo boo the foolsville, but i know a lot more than i let on so catch the tea on that

i swear for it being our "day off" this sure has been the most work i feel like ive had in a hot minute first of all fuck the tomb but FUCK this pyramid even more the second it was announced i found the extra link to the slide puzzle on the blog within SECONDS but 1) i suck at slide puzzles and 2) MY COMPUTER CRASHED HALF WAY THROUGH IT SO I HAD TO START AGAIN. literally took me 2 hours to finish, so that was embarrassing, then much like how the tomb had questions, this pyramid has a hashi puzzle to solve in EIGHT MINUTES....which i dont even know what the fuck that is sorry to this hashi man i gave a good effort but didnt get it in time, so im gonna try again tomorrow of course but im sure someone who isnt a dumbass had better luck than me and got it so thats that on that ....also gorl some of these people aka kendall really got the audacity, she messages me today and is like IS JAKEY COMING TO YOU SAYING STUFF ABOUT ME TRYING TO PIT US AGAINST EACH OTHER oh gorl, if only you knew its ME going to jakey saying shit about YOU trying to get him against YOU, because your first mistake was trying to prepare an alliance to vote me out, your second mistake was running around telling everyone i have an idol, and your third mistake was making an enemy of jakey, now there's this angry jakey on the loose and im gonna just try to work my magic to tame him and keep him like a pet dragon on my side to get them out and then deal with whether i think ill be able to trust him going foward, but again, i know i voted him out last game so i cant rule out him trying to target me already, especially if somehow worst case scenerio people try to pick us off first for knowing each other also had a call with augusto which was.... interesting, look, i genuinely like him as a person even though i still feel some type of way about him turning fake on me, so i definitely want to maintain a friendship with him even if it's hard for me to just stomach talking to him because of how stupid he must think i am, keep your friends close but your frenemys closer!! then i just had a call with devon too which was also interesting because, i do like him as a person, but idk how to feel about it!!! after all of them lying to me in the beginning im already feeling PTSD and dont know if i can trust anyone, but he gave me some valuable information even more so just reaffirming them all thinking i have the idol which i know is a crock of bs because DAMMIT IVE TRIED I JUST DONT HAVE IT. I know amir has it, it's so obvious to me, maybe augusto?? but i think amir. apparently devon also just kinda said he think he could see the first vote coming down to me or jakey or even him which.......makes me really nervous, i wasnt planning on fighting for immunity at the auction i wouldve rather had an advantage of some sort, but i think with this cast, and the amount of intertwined relationships going into this first tribal, i want that immunity necklace and im gonna do my damndest to get it OKAYYY this game is going to drive me insane, i feel like ive been running my mouth TOO much and talking to too many people and am gonna get voted out for it but i also simultaneously feel like i havent talked to people no where near enough and, am gonna be voted out for it so ???buckle the fuck up ladies we've officially boarded the confusion express so im just gonna try and sit back and enjoy the ride ig

Welp we are on the bottom... shit. I'm going to be honest, this week has not been great for me. Like my real life is slowly going to shit and now my fake life has been screwed. Thanks Jakey... you dick. All is not lost, because out there in the distance is the iconic duo of Jordan Pines and Kendall Duffy AKA Sarah and Woo. You know, Sarah and Woo. That iconic duo in Cagayan. Remember that one time Sarah walked up to Woo and said "Sup I'm Sarah," and he nodded and said "Woo". And that other time they were sitting on the same log laughing at something Tony said? That is stuff of legends man. Okay so genuinely Jordan meant to say Tony and Woo but he accidentally said Sarah and Woo and now this is our legacy. The plan is to play it both ways. As this isn't going to be a simple Pangonging. Obviously a beauty is going to leave but before we all go, they are going to try to get rid of some of the brawns. The goal is that the beauty isn't me and the brawn isn't Jordan. I know you're legally not supposed to trust Jordan Pines but it's never really been the case for me? IDK maybe it's cause he always gets sniped before I betray him. Maybe it's cause the one time he voted me out it was cause I committed suicide by cop. But for the most part he's a realible ally. Also this would be a shitty and stupid lie right? Like he knows I don't have an idol, literally everyone knows that! Trying to get in my good graces is a terrible fucking idea, Jesus. Right now I'm just going to market myself and the others as a free vote. I know it's not realistic to get Augusto and Amir to the finals but it's all I really want. We've been through shit together. I don't want to be put in a position to get them out. I also believe that either Jakey and Ali has the idol. So this round I'm going to flush it. I'm not going to be able to get him out, I just need him to believe he's going to be voted out. He's a very paranoid individual, it shouldn't be too difficult.... I am not going home tonight. I refuse to. 

okay so i haven't done a good typed confessional in a WHILE and i have thoughts. so i'm basically really frustrated with a lot of this tribe and i don't know how to vocalise it. but first the positives.. the fact that i have an alliance of me/autumn/jake brings me such a rush of seretonin, i love them both and i will fight my hardest to get the three of us to the endgame of this game. i think rn my goal final five is me/jake/autumn/adam/devon, adam because i dont think he is playing this game as well as he necessarily thinks he is, but i also think we have trust and he is someone who is scoop-up-able? and then devon i get good energy from him and his straightforward energy i'd like to see in the endgame. the rest however.... whew. well actually Liam is fine, he is sweet and doing his best. of the rest tho... hmm. kendall's energy doesn't quite land with me, her dry sense of humour doesn't really work with me ha so i feel like we are gonna struggle to gel as allies (especially since we are either side of the weird brawn/beauty divide). augusto is very chatty but its a lot of chatting for... the sake of it, like his social game is to just overwhelm you with lots of messages but its nothing of substance. amir i actually like!! he has me-energy, i would actually like him to stick around (he is a good shield too). duncan i am still sus about from premerge, but i'd love to mend that bond because i might need duncan?! tj and jordan both give snake energy... tj is suddenly back to being non-commital with me and it frustrates me, i wish he would like... talk to me KJLSADF. jordan is the same i always get weird energy from him and he was in that weird alliance during the swap and didn't tell me... feel a f10 boot for jordan ideally. honestly its just frustrating i feel like everyone on this tribe is so cagey and like just thinks talking a lot is social game?! and its... not. but yeah ideally first four merge boots: kendall, augusto, tj & jordan (tho the last two is open to consideration if they stop being shady to me KJSDFA).

I just got immunity in the auction and I feel like I wasted a chance to get some long term for my game. Because I wasn't going anywhere this round (I don't think), but like at least it prevented some other people from getting it which allows me some room to make a couple moves without too many repercussions. In terms of social standing, I truly think I have put myself in a good spot. Jakey and Jordan have both said they want me to be their number ones; Devon also has said the same and has told me that he holds the Double Vote. I know that Autumn and Duncan are both willing to work with me in our alliance with Jordan. Liam and I have bonded quite a bit. And I get good vibes from Augusto, Kendall, and Adam. So the big question now is, my target at the moment is Amir... how do I get him out? I need to break up Amir, Augusto, and Kendall so that I have a better chance of working with Augusto specifically down the line and hopefully Kendall as well. I have a feeling that Adam will push for one of the trio and the trio will push for Adam or Jakey, which should give me plenty of ammo to try and make that move. Correction to my last confessional... the trio can't target Jakey because he's immune. Suck it!

i really... really just got my second idol huh... i cant believe it. i bodied that idol hunt, i sat their trying like six hundred combos for the morse code, got that demonic tile and did that evil hashi puzzle... im so happy hehe okay so ignore my super jaded confessional from yesterday im back in again akdjfsaf im literally on a reign of terror doing harsh confessionals then apologising but askdjfafa we move. so yesterday was a real busy day, we had the auction, i called lots of people and... i got myself a little bit of bling. with the auction first, it was really interesting. i misunderstood the "idol block" so i snatched it up, but then it just blocks hunting for the idol versus playing one, but for my mental health am glad i have that. i also got the vote revealer, which was like a mid-tier thing that im happy to have just got a second thing tbh. then i had like six hundred calls kaljsdfas. i called with devon first, he is really sweet and we had a great talk tbh? i really like him and hope we stick together. i did then go on to have very similar conversations to the one i had with him, with augusto and amir, but i felt best about the conversation me and devon had tbh. augusto is sweet, and very social. like i'd prefer to vote him to kendall, but i like him ha and feel like we have a bond now. i think i could be a good number moving forwards (i wouldn't want him gone 11th/10th). amir is also very nice, we are calling tomorrow, and i just dont think targetting amir is in my best interest rn? like what's the end goal in doing that. so then right now. i think i want the merge vote to be kendall? i feel like if we let that trio slide, its scary, and i have a closer connection to amir and augusto of the three. i think then the brawn tribe can turn inwards, but im eager to push the brawn tribe like "implosion" until after that trio is taken apart (to the style of splitting up alex c/jones/mo from montenegro) also otherwise i got an IDOLLL, or rather my second hehe. i put in a LOT of work to get it, i translated morse code, i did a demonic hashi puzzle, i got the 2048 tile. i earned this idol and im very proud. now i have two idols so have such wiggle room. and i'm building bonds across the tribe... im not saying im set, but... im covered for the time being

okay so im a clown and got frustrated with jordan for telling jake he was hesitant to keep me in... jordan just told me he has been downplaying our connection to people like jake KJLSDAFA so i fully just bought into nothing.

i am starting to feel my standing in the game rise, like im building bonds... everywhere. like im starting to become set to go the distance because i have lots of lowkey social bonds and because im not overtly super strategic i dont think i seem as threatening.

okay so ideal merge bootlist: f4: me/autumn/jake/devon, adam (5th), liam/jordan (6th/7th), amir (8th), duncan (9th), augusto (10th), tj (11th), kendall (12th) and then at the moment the order i would vote for people as a juror (bringing this back from montenegro): jake > autumn > amir > jordan > duncan(?) > devon > augusto > adam > tj > kendall > liam because i think jake has already idoled someone, and to make it to f3 after that is super impressive. autumn is a queen, has real strategic savvy and will have made moves to get to the end. amir is very much like autumn and him making it to the end. jordan is an amazing player and tbh deserves a win. duncan is really in game-mode and id love to see him in FTC (what a role reversal), devon has a real rootable underdog story, augusto is a social king, adam needs to pick it up beyond just targetting beauties to get my vote. tj/kendall are question marks for me, and then liam i LOVE but he doesn't necessarily 100% want to be here so i would be tentative to vote him. but its crazy because i think: jake/autumn/devon/adam/liam/jordan/amir/duncan... all trust me to some extent that's... such a large portion of the tribe. so i need to be careful im not scorning people too much, but this is a real work-able situation i think ahh

Interesting development that both Kendall and Amir want/wanted to call and talk to me. I just finished talking to Kendall (she is so sweet, I enjoy talking to her!) and I definitely see an avenue where we work together, but I am concerned that there does seem to be a guard up, which I totally understand given that we haven't been on a tribe together. We both kind of mentioned that Liam has been flirting with the idea of asking to be voted out which gave me an avenue to not say that the name I would throw out is Amir. I do hope that Liam isn't adamant about going because I truly do care for him and want him to stay in this game. I picked up a great ally in him after the initial Brawn vote and losing him now won't be fun. It does dispel this Brawn alliance people probably expect to be happening, but am I at ease with Liam going to facilitate that? But if that happens, that delays the fight between Adam/Jakey against the trio of Augusto/Amir/Kendall, which in fact would be good for me as it allows me to slide by for another week... ugh, decisions decisions. Why do I feel like this first vote could determine the rest of my game?

So Liam still wants to be in the game, which is good. I can easily work with that. Yes, I feel awful telling Kendall I thought the vote would be Liam, but now that he seems to want to be in the game, I think I can work with Liam possibly staying. I still have to wait it out and listen to what some others think, but I may be back on the board of going for one of the trio. I know Jakey wants to do Kendall, but I don't want her to go just yet. Eventually, yeah probably, but I do want her here.

Whew merge merge merge. Tonight is the first night to play my legacy advantage, i could block a vote but honestly im probably not going to. Id be pretty caught off guard if i was the target tonight and I think id rather let it fester to an idol, whether for me or someone else later tha depends on my game play. Last night was the auction and boy did jordan win big, i got a whole vote steal that im pretty sure no one knows about. I created a believable (i think) lie about what i bid on and spread and thankfully adam came out the gate with a super fact checkable lie about the auction so i think most of the heats on him. For the vote it could be a beauty butpart of me really sees liam going home just cause people are so scared of how many brawn are in the game, and like thats fine i can deal with that. I am slowly building my relationships to the point where i can get the ball rolling enough to do some damage. Ive been biding my time in the shadows for most of this game, but Jordan Pines is about to rise!

this round is what we call a mixed bag like the auction? hated that girl. I saved my money and all I got was a drawing like sis this is the Survivor Auction not an actual auction ;-; but other than that, I’ve felt really good about how I’ve been playing? Like always, I’m trying to be the Belle of the Ball and have everyone want me as a date yknow? Currently, I have my main allies (Amir, Kendall, Devon) but others (Autumn, Duncan, Ali, Jordan, Jakey) have expressed that they want to work with me which is cute! I don’t know who to trust tho ngl but yay? My main priority is getting my footing in the game this first round and hopefully getting out a Brawn. The main two I want gone from the Brawns are Liam M and Jordan Pines. Liam M is the easier sell and I don’t mind that, Jordan Pines is someone I want gone soon though. I also want Adam gone if at all possible sometime soon but we shall see! 

i take it back jordan and duncan can go again...? literally like both of them preach up and down that we are gonna work together, then pull shady stuff like saying me and adam are a duo in their alliance chat of gremlins with love of my life autumn and professional robot tj?! literally just because y'all linked up at swap and think you are gods gift to alliances doesnt mean me and adam are a duo? i just talk to him and actually give him a chance in this game unlike like... 99% of this cast. now i cant really defend adam at all or people are gonna try and snap my neck? which sucks... adam was in my endgame but because i see him having a losing finalist arc versus me being a duo with him. so that sucks but well. it just reconfirms to me that i have to trust autumn. which is not hard because i literally love her sm and i want to see thrive in this season. so i am praying it works out. this cast continues to prove that being a muppet is a contagious disease.

im absolutely LIVID right now.... i dont even know where to begin ?? let's start with this: are we playing SURVIVOR or are we playing america's next top CLOWN?? because based on how silly all these people are it doesnt seem like survivor. this is my 3rd time playing this game, and never once have i ever made it to a merge where .... every single person wants to just settle on one name since they're the "easy" vote.... and yet that's all im being told with people wanting to vote liam?? at this point i hope the plan is to vote ME out and everyone is just telling me liam because i dont want to play the game with a bunch of feeble minded school of fish who have no backbone. first of all everyone has wanted to do nothing but play that ANNOYING ass "ooh its been quiet i havent heard a name yet" game for the entire day. We're 3 hours before tribal and all the sudden everyone wants to sing kumbaya and vote for liam??? because he's not around, which guess what it does make him an easy vote but....this is survivor why would you EVER vote that person off in the merge right away, he can literally go next or any other time. I refuse to sit back and just conform to it, ill probably end up having to, but im gonna try to push what to ME makes the most sense, not only for myself but for everyone... to get one of those 3 false beautys out. I've been going to a lot of people and basically saying "Let me break it down for you: one of them 150% has the idol??? and thanks to the suvivor auction, and based on what ive gathered from people they probably have advantages too.....why waste this vote being "easy" because then next round....they're gonna know it'll be one of them and so......they're gonna play all their shit and take someone out, and i absolutely reserve the right to laugh at whoever it is because theyre an idiot and didnt want to wake up and play the game (unless it's me of course oop) I've approached, jakey, autumn, duncan, jordan, ali, devon, tj, pretty much ANYONE who has a brain to just state the obvious.....its stupid getting liam out. literally the stupidest and quite frankly downright embarrassing move to make for a group of players of this caliber. and you know what responses ive gotten? "oh its too soon to rock the boat" "we have to get one of those brawns out" "yeah we just have to go with the brains on this one" ??? too soon??? at merge??????? to play the game of survivor??????????? at this point im about to try and just tell liam with the very slim chance that he has an idol and can use it on himself because how am i supposed to try and play the game of survivor with people who dont want to play its frustrating. **update as i was writing this i just had a call with jordan pines, im not as mad anymore after smoking weed with him for like 20 minutes ahfdd but its BORING LIKE WAKE UP PEARL LETS PLAY SURVIVOR...i probably made a big mistake pushing those 3 to as many people as i just did but whatever hopefully it at least planted seeds with people and people actually try and approach me in the future rounds with that idea again in other news, the auction happened and i got the power to go to the prejuror island and plead my case with them regarding this next vote, no one was even there so that was lovely i felt like i was talking to myself so nothing new there, i peeped connor was online but didnt have anything to say when i showed up, much like how he never had anything good to say in the game and that's why he was voted out, but ANYWAY. im pissed i made a case to them to vote for amir and now no one will even make the move with me. I also bought a challenge advantage which i wanted MOSTLY so i could just tell people thats what i got from it because to me i suck at challenges anyway, so it shouldnt paint as much of a target on my back and i want people to know i dont have one of those really scary ones (and i also want to keep making people think amir or kendall has something good), but ali did confide in me he has the vote reveal which made me trust him a lot more, and i dont plan on revealing to anyone what he told me so anywho, tribal is NOT gonna go my way tonight, i tried to make a move but liam is unfortunately completely unsaveable because he's not around even though i do like talking to him personally, i opened the door to people and it just got slammed in my face but in this game you have to learn when to drop it so im hoping i dropped it fast enough to not be a future target because people could still very well vote me out next because they'd be taking out the only real beauty left!

tj, jordan and duncan are all going home as soon as possible. they really think they are slick and they are not. they think they can badmouth me, my game and my position and it wont get back to me. there is a word for it and it is clownery. one of them is going to get to stepping really soon. maybe jordan.

also i cant be too mad at liam because im voting him but i wish it wasnt like this. well. what can you do. if he plays an idol im playing mine.

Now that we're told the right day... Well, it looks like most people are back on the Liam Train, and damn I really don't want this move to be made. Like, yes, it will set me up well moving forward: less "Brawn Alliance" hype, more battles between Adam/Ali vs. Beauty Babes, and a decent amount of social mobility for me. But this just feels like a giant waste and I don't know how to stop this at this rate.

First of all: YAASSSSSSSS WE LOVE MAKING THE MERGE!!!! I’ve gotten over my Scott grief and actually am pretty content with him out of the game since he was a big contender to win it all. The time I’ve been able to spend talking to people has been amazing and I feel like I genuinely have a good relationship with everyone on the tribe besides Liam, which is why I’m happy to see him go. He’s a really nice guy but he’s not adding anything to my game. I expect the vote to go 11-1-1 tonight. I could always get idoled out or blindsided and that would suck but you try your best and do what you can! I think I have EXCELLENT relationships with Amir, Jordan and Autumn and that’s like the kingpins of each group so if someone comes after me hopefully I’ll hear about it one way or another. I need to get my head out of Amir’s ass though, I’m most excited to play with him and we called for literally 2 hours and 50 minutes yesterday. I’ve always thought he was cute and intelligent from when I was in the community before and I fangirled getting to play with him. I like to think I’m in a good position in this game so far, we’ll see as the game progresses. One last thing? ADAM!? SIS?!?! EVERYONE IS AWARE YOU LIED TO THEM! YOUR ASS IS GOING HOME NEXT! PERIODT!! (Hopefully I’ll be here to help vote you out lol

Well, here we are? This is where my game was MADE back in Guyana, however, I clearly don't have a solidified alliance I am willing to take to the end at this stage. We have 5 Brawns, three former winners, a person I voted out in Guyana, two people that voted me out, and a person I tried voting out last round all still in the game. Still, I am going to make the best of it. In the short period of time this game has provided, I have been able to make REALLY solid connections. Not all of them are 100% genuine, but the hope is that they're enough to gain trust and information that I can use to advance my game. 

if i go home tonight im gonna lose my marbles

so basicallyyyy jakey is gathering intel from the other sideand apparently theyre all scared of me, grow up??? im literally harmless wtf

HOHOHOHOOGO WHO WANTS SOME TEA ? SO DUNCAN SPILLED THAT back long ago on original hathor, remember when I was losing my mind thinking aj ratted everything to Adam It was THE TRUTH and I’m glad aj has been dealt with. It’s what he deserves .

adam thinks hes so fucking slick running around telling everyone i gotta go and that i have the idol, and then messaging me in my pms trying to call and have a "tea-spilll uwu" when hes just going to use that against me anywayyyy honey u arent as smart as u think u are, and when the time is right, you're getting crucified ADAM CAME TO ME TO BE LIKE "FUCK JAKEY WON IMMUNITY" and im like "ik :( " and he runs to jakey and goes "THE RATS ARE MAD U WON" mark my words if im leaving this game i will blow him tf up on the way out

these people are all rats ALLIANCE: Threats R Us members: jakey ali autumn Source: jakey ALLIANCE: (name unknown) Members: Autumn Duncan TJ Jordan Source: Autumn so autumn ratted on an alliance to me and not the other, which lets me know that she is far more invested in Ali that she is in Duncan. Working with Duncan is not going to save face with autumn, i have to treat her as a separate entity and work with her genuinely if i want safety from ali, like she sold duncan tj and jordan down a river to me so fast i love her so much, i want to work with her but i have to see how far it goes people i want out : adam tj liam ali jordan but rn ill settle for anyone but me cuz no one is talking to me

devon wanted to talk real quick and tellin me that there was a whole ass plan started by adam to get me out, like say the vote is kendall but actually vote for me, and the plan was entertained by brawn, also i told jakey i have the idol, and jakey told me ali has 2 idols a vote reveal and an idol block

[akira-seijuro]

1/3 Last brain pill

I should have been something else. I could have made more days less painful for everyone. I love my family, friends more than I love myself. I can't do it. I can't love myself enough to let them go.

On 27th April, 2020, one of the anti depressants that I have been taking for over an year, is over. My doc, reduced the dosage and I think I'm finally done with it and I was so damn fucking happy. I think, for the first time in my entire life, including my childhood, I don't see myself as a victim anymore. Victim of being bullied, unfriended, heartbreak, academics and most importantly my friends and family.

This lockdown is like shit worst. I can't even imagine people being alone and trying to take care or themselves. It's nightmare. I can't even imagine myself in my pg or my hostel room anymore. I mean, sure I could have survived like I did all those years, but that chronic self care obsession would just make me let go of myself. On May 31st 2020, I'll be officially completing one year of my medication and June 2nd would be my father's first death anniversary and July 15th would be the time I probably saw my friend, for the last time, who totally instilled hope in me. I'd probably never see him again.

I could have been better. I don't know why I didn't. I don't know if it was my best thinking now. I could have been more patient, a better daughter. I could have been more honest, a better friend. I could have been more kind to myself. I lived in fear for so long, I don't care about my last minute anymore. I don't am have any regrets. I tried my best. I don't like when people say 'Poor you, take care of your mum. You had to go through so much at a very young age. Everybody goes through this. Everybody dies sometime. I get it, I understand your pain.'

I think what I wanted was 'It's alright. I believe in you. We'll be ok. We will go through this shit together and finally make peace with it someday.' I did have my best friend saying that to me until January 2nd, 8.30pm. Now I don't know where he is. How he is doing. I wanted to escape my life so badly, I wanted to run away from my bitterness. But it was all inside of me. I didn't want my dad's death another thing for people to say sorry for. It means something for me. Sometimes he means everything to me. Every little piece of my existence belongs to my parents. I love them very much that I can't be this girl who went through her childhood without almost making a single friend. But yeah, teenage is shit. I changed. A lot. I became more open, accepting, strong and brave. I was never afraid to tell the truth, I used to postpone but I know I would do it anyway, I would do what feels right to me. C'mon I proposed 2 guys. It was real. The love I felt. I think being in love makes you feel that everything is possible, mostly that it deepens the hope that someday you'll be happy. Chill. Both are one sided and failures. I've never been loved or cared that way. I don't think I need to. I mean my friends wholeheartedly love me and would go almost out of their way to do anything that would make me feel better at times. I never looked for a fucking replacement of the man whom I loved the most. No body can be that man who chants my name to feel better while in pain.

Rather than hurting people. I think I scared alot of people away because of my love. I guess it's so intense and feels weird. I don't know. I've started therapy for the first time in my life on October 23rd 2016, because I couldn't bear the fact that I couldn't wish the person on his birthday because my existence was irksome i guess. I still don't know what it was. But yeah. It continues till April 30th 2016 while I was in college. Every week Thursday at 3pm, a counselling session. I felt more accepted and more cared for with the space I wanted there. But frankly, I started therapy because I just wanted someone to listen to me and just try to not have an opinion good or bad about my pain, but be with me while I was processing it. I went there because I thought they'd not have any choice but to listen because I paid. But it was the best thing I did in my life. My dad's illness came back again. I mean March 2nd 2012 to December 17th 2012 is not enough. I was a lid. I didn't process shit. I just believed in god blindly and performed my duties of packing, buying groceries, boarding public transportation, learning how to ride a scooty without ever having a cycle, waiting outside operation theatre, outside radiation hall, outside chemo sessions, all while preparing for my bard exams and jee mains. I just blocked it out. All the pain and emptiness. It had to come again. Being close friends with dad, his illness pushed me to the edge of depression and I was meds which he manipulated me to stop after reaching home. I would isolate myself and would be blamed for it later. I would feel guilty that the person, my best friend whomi trusted the most left me to hang dry. Actually 2 of them. Then comes the job.

But I came to Bangalore with my cousin. When I entered royal orchid for my job orientation everyone is with someone and I was all alone. Just how I entered my college. All alone from Hyderabad to Surathkal. I opened my door, saw my roommate with her family came out and cried so much for my dad. He called my cousin and then he came to see me. It's new for him as well. So I dont blame. My dad knew what I needed until he knew he was gonna die sometime soon. I suffered, wished it to end. I tried therapy and meds again but I felt its hopeless and I stopped once the side effects were horrible from July 2017. My therapist was wonderful though. I loved her. I felt like she's my friend and I didn't want to go down that lane so I stopped. Then people told me that I'm so pessimistic to think 2018 December 22nd would be my last birthday with dad. You know it's not the worst thing to imagine the worst, sometimes its callous reality. Some doctor said this. You dont know what your people want whether they want to fight on ventilator or not. But it would be nice to get to know them. My stomach turned in may so much that I thought something bad is going to happen to my dad the whole time. Once he was scared and the practical prank he pulled took a toll on me and I colored my hair blue. It became green. I wanted to cut ties with my family and friends. No body was there then, all my friends were on business trips or we had a fight. But I made a new friend who's accepting and weird. Then another new friend with whom I randomly broke out after storming out of a meeting. I guess I started developing feelings for the former one. I didnt want all that shit because I know it's not going to work out or that it won't be reciprocated. So, I didnt want that shit to make my suffering much worse. So I realized everything is so messed up and I needed help. I stuttered and stammered dude while my dad thought he was dying but didnt. I barely remember what words I spoke or repeated. Well, second time when they called, it's true. Anyway on 31st may, with all the complications I decided I might need meds because even my body is going out of control now. Then on 1st I get that call and had to dye my hair back to brown and go see him there. This time no words came out of my mouth, it's like I forgot all the languages and how to form sentences. I couldn't promise him that I'll come out of depression, so I said I'd try in my head which obviously didnt come out because, well, like I said my body wasnt under my control. Then the only thing I wanted him to know about my life is Ayushman, lets call my first love that. I dont want to name. That I love Ayushman so much but he doesn't and its ok. I called to tell him about my new friends Bhavana and Bennington, let's call second guy that. But instead it all turned out something. But once after all that agony injecting rituals and processes, I came back and the only person o wanted to see and talk was Bennington. Then I realised what I was feeling and I accepted it and felt good that while grieving, I was able to love and not feel guilty about it. True, I tried very hard, wanted to cross oceans for him. I wanted to be there for him. But then I didn't want to force it. I don't know what the fuck I did anyway. Then a lot happened, prathista entered my life and I was loved and accepted and I could feel people wanting good for me. And that's all I needed. Besides the belief thing. Some more fights with my best friend sneha, with whom I got matching tattoos.

Then my best friend, lets call him sunshine had to like go out of the world to save love. I was alone. I was a workaholic. Knowing that someone loved me gave me immense energy to work harder, to do more good. But then Voila, my mom and cancer again. God. I didnt feel that someone is inflicting pain or that I'm a victim. I felt that these things happen and its life. It's bad but it's how it went in my life. I have no control over what happens to her. Whenever I assist her or do some stuff, I keep correlating with my dad's time with cancer. It gets so confusing. Idk. I love my mum too. I grieve. I cry. For both mum, dad. Sometimes for sunshine and Bennington. But I think it's ok. It's not something to feel bad or sorry for. It's a part of my life. I am glad I was able to back to my friendships. Gowtami, Chandu, Bokade are like pillars of support for me. I realised being kind is a way to deal with the crisis. I liked the way I lived for the first time. But I'd do anything for the people I love. I'm not going to force it. I wish them all good. People keep saying I'm strong and brave explicitly. No, I was always them. They are implicit things. Thats my character. Being able to be strong, brave, vulnerable, real honest, intense and sometimes messy. Anyway 2 more brain pills to go and still more therapy sessions. They will end when they should. I am glad that this is something that I did for myself. It's my effort despite all the discouragements I've faced about it. I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I'm so glad it has a name. I miss my dad very much right now. My mom's chicken curry too. I miss my friends.

Love,

B.

[creamfessions]

unfiltered rant to a girl i fell in love with a year ago today. 9:26 pm,1-19-20

I miss you. God, I miss you so much. A year ago, I knew. A whole year has passed since the day I knew I wanted to be with you. And here we are, hundreds of miles apart and you thinking I hate you, and vice versa.

I have so fucking much to say and I know you don’t give a damn about any of it. So I’m saying it here.

I don’t know why I’m like this. Im selfish, Im arrogant, Im impulsive, Im immature, Im rude, i never think before i speak, im stupid, im alone, and im sorry. I am so, so, so sorry, A. I’m so fucking sorry. It sounds sarcastic and ingenuine but oh my god, I have no way to express the guilt I feel about everything. You should never have had to deal with me and I could have done so much more to treat you better and I wish upon all the fucking stars in the stupid fucking sky that I could go back in time and fix everything. But i can’t, and it’s killing me. It hurts so fucking much, every day that oasses and yet here you are still on my mind like in may of last year, before your trip to europe. I still have your gifts. The music box, the bracelets, etc. I still have the paintings you gave me for my birthday. The paintings I kept on my wall for months because they made me happy just to look at them. To know I was loved enough for you to take so much time and work on them even through your busy schedule. You have no idea how much those paintings mean to me, even now.

I never saw how much you loved me until it was far too late. the card you gave me on my birthday, the times you would come to my shows, the times you would visit me even though i was a 45 minute one way trip from your house. i didnt deserve you then, and i sure as hell dont now. you were so fucking good to me and i never appreciated it enough. funny though, i always found it odd how often you would do things for me and i didnt even notice. you put so much more effort into us than i ever saw, and im sure theres more to your side of the story than i will ever possibly know. you were never very open and i wish that wouldnt have been the case. but then you wouldnt have been you, and i love you.

yeah, i love you. immensely, more than anything else in this world. i wanted to marry you. crazy i know, given my stance on marriage. i just... you were really special to me. you made me feel things i never thought i could feel or would ever feel again. you taught me to be more myself and to enjoy life. you made me actually get excited for the days to come, because i had you. i was ready to take on whatever obstacles came my way because i figured no matter what, i would still have you by my side. and i fucking ruined everything.

i remembered why i got mad at you in the first place, A. it was when you told me you were gonna be someone else’s sugar baby when we were going to be talking about our relationship just weeks later. so i cut you off, thinking you had been entirely over me and i was extremely hurt. it felt like a blade in my heart, not to sound cheesy but it literally felt like i had been stabbed. so i was trying to forget you.

i want to go away from the previous points and explain some things. after i left my dad’s, i think we both know i wasnt myself. something changed. i was living this fantasy of “im an adult and i have everything under control”. and to be quite honest, that was absolutely the opposite. i was getting high or drunk every day to try and cope with the existential dread and the reality of things that i refused to face. thats not what an adult is. because i wasnt an adult. i was 17 and in love and had this horrible dream that i was hopelessly following. there was no logic for my actions. there was no excuse. i was acting like a child. and you didnt deserve to go through all of that. i really fucked everything up and i feel... awful. there are no words to express the guilt, the sorrow, the regret, the yearning-- i can hardly comprehend it to try and indirectly tell you through this dead forum site that no one even fucking uses anymore. im fucking stupid and you deserved so much better than a small town, pop punk stoner who never amounted to anything in life to begin with, let alone when he thought he did after he lived with D and V. i have a lot of growing up to do. and i have a lot of mistakes to learn from.

you dont even want to talk to me anymore. youre seeing someone else. youre already forgetting about me and pretending i didnt exist. and i really cant say that i blame you. no one can, youre doing the smart thing. as much as i love you and i miss you and want to be with you again more than anything else i have ever felt any of those things towards in my 18 years, you should probably stay away for your own good. im not even washed up or has been. i never even was. im pointless to even exist, let alone try to get you back. youre actually smart, so theres no way youd be dumb enough to even consider giving someone like me a second chance. i cry every goddamn day hoping youll text me or that ill wake up and this was all one giant nightmare but i know that what happened is real and i can never take it back or make up for it. im a fraud. im a fucking failure. the only way i can ever amount to something is if i take myself out and use my body to fertilize plants. you were a genius to move on. you really were. and im sorry i ever put you through being involved in my life. im so sorry, A. i hope one day you can forgive me, but i dont even deserve the consideration of forgiveness. 

i hope your new cheesepuff treats you as well as i should have. you deserve it, princess.

[voyagritar]

this is where i am right now.

so i guess I’m going to make this shorter than i originally planned. i was going to take the timeline back to last spring but ultimately this would be way too long. some of it probably wont make sense, as I’m not all that great at explaining my feelings. i don’t expect anyone to read it in full, regardless. 2017 has been rough, and it doesn’t appear to be letting up. 2016 wasn’t great but it did have some pure moments. I’m going through some difficult situations which have made me feel the way, currently. I’m not sure if I’m going to make it but i want everyone to know I’m trying. i decided to be transparent about what has been going on, well transparent regarding what I’m comfortable saying. Regarding some stuff I’m not quiet there yet there yet. so some pieces will be pieces and my memory isn’t the best, so some is lost to time. my group therapy thought it might be a good idea to vent in this way. also : these aren’t the facts, just the facts as i see them. I’ve been venturing through both the state and county funded mental health care system and this is what i’ve been though.

again, I’m sort of fast forwarding to this year and a lot came before it but ill just sort of give the cliff notes. over the last year I’ve struggled to find proper mental healthcare because of the lack of insurance (or the lack of insurance that i couldn’t qualify for). last october i openly said out loud for the first time that i believed my illness was becoming scizorpheric. that was never proven true or false. i had a lot of trouble sleeping, id often stay up in my bed worrying about everything under the sun. i worried about my mother, who has cancer. i worried about my sister who was trying to her best to get well from a car accident. i worried about the mental health of my then partner. i worried about my mental health. i worried about my living situation. (my living situation : i could probably write an entire other thing on it. my landlord was basically kicking me out of my place because i was unable to find roommates to share the rent with BUT the people i was finding, she was declining because ultimately she was racist. she was verbally abusive towards me and she would remain that way all the way even up until now) i worried about money. i worried about my future. i worried about people that i loved, in general. into the winter i felt a disconnection from my partner, a lot i would not blame them for but a lot would hurt me and put me into fight or flight and those moments were certainly not my best. i became super paranoid about them fully disconnecting from me, which hurt, so i found ways to hurt back. one a particular night in mid february, i was again awake, i woke up my partner and basically started a conversation regarding “us” and what was going on. they confirmed what i was feeling. they wanted out. they weren’t down for tolerating me anymore. i asked if there was anyone else and they said “no.” they kissed me on the head and left. it felt like it was 7am at that point, but I’m not 100%. there was a lot i wanted to say but i couldn’t find the words and i also wanted to respect their decision. i didn’t chase. i cried.

the next few days were a bit of a blur and i wasn’t really sure what was going to happen. it was apparent now that i had nothing to hide behind, which was what i was doing, which wasn’t a fair thing. it all mentally now came at me at once. i felt a tremendous loss, so i did what i thought i should, i wrote them a letter just saying my peace. awhile before we sat down in a cemetery discussing some issues i felt were going on. we forgave. in the fall we had broken up briefly and we reconciled. maybe this was that? but then it was clear that everything sort became mentally out of my hands, which was scary and unfortunate. i was in contact with a friend who lives out of state and their dealings with mental healthcare facilities. they mentioned they’d attempt to help me find mental health treatment, which i had been lacking, and some good contact numbers to different hotlines and clinics, incase i needed them. welp, i needed them. i wasn’t full comfortable talking out loud in my house because i felt judged. so i went to my car, closed the door and called a crisis hotline. after i emptied my thought palette to them, they recommended i come down to their center. my friend and i talked about a specific crisis center (same one as i called - different department) and my ability to stay there and hopefully i could be assisted in obtaining healthcare. I’d be able to talk to someone, in person. I’d ultimately have an eye kept on me etc. the issue was if i would go to the center, i would probably have to stay there for some days. i was still attempting to find roommates for the house i was living in, because i didn’t want to lose it. it meant a lot to me that i sustained some “real life”. it was the last thing i sort of had to bank on is what i mentally felt. that was my home.

i wasnt eating or sleeping or feeling very safe around myself. with my friend on the phone i decided it was best for me to drive to the crisis center, that i called, and admit myself and see what would then be my next step. at this point i wanted to alert my sister of what was going on, but i didn’t want her telling my mom because i feared how it would make me look. with my mom battling cancer, she didn’t need to know her “healthy” kid was manic and weird, right now. i remember getting off the phone with my friend as i pulled into the parking lot. i told them i was there and i was going to go in. i went into the crisis center, was searched and went through a metal detector. i was officially checked in. i met with the first of many individuals that i would have to “tell my tale too” in order for them to take notes, observe, pass on the notes, help me continue through the process, etc. i would have to explain my story over and over and over again, which i found out over the course of the next following weeks (months) in a nutshell, these were my cliff notes :

** I’ve had issues with depression since i was young. adhd since my early 20s. no insurance to get meds to assist in the process. My relationship ended. My mom has cancer. My is sister recovering from an accident. I hate myself for not being stronger. I’m a bad person who has done bad things I feel a lot of guilt. I may have nowhere to live. My job sucks. This stuff sucks but its my own mental health that has cause all of these to be worse. I want to be better than all of this.

…or like some form of that

(here is when the pictures start)

My first room i stayed in, at the center, was small and very sterile. the center itself was filled with displaced individuals who had what appeared to be a slew of different of issues. the main room was sort of shaped like a circle. in the middle there were case workers in front of their computers, behind a giant desk that that went around the room. outside that main circle was the common area. unless you were in your room, thats where you hung out. there some tables as well, some chairs too. i guess it was a busy thursday and a lot of people were being checked in. there wasn’t room for the people coming in after me, so they were told they had to sleep on the floor. ill be honest, i was scared. i was really scared. i didn’t know who to talk to and sure, wrongfully so i was looking for immediate help and/or resolution to where my life had mentally gone. i didn’t want to stay in my room because i felt really unsafe and lonely in there. i asked the case workers probably 3-4 times if a doctor was going to be in this evening and i wanted to talk to one. they told me i had to wait until the morning. something a lot of people did, including me, was just meander around the main circle with their headphones in. you would just do laps in that little area because there wasn’t anything else to do. i attempted to sit by an older woman who seemed alone and i thought maybe talking to her would calm my nerves. she said it was her first time at something like this as well. she noted she had issues with alcohol but i didn’t pry. i think she was having problems at home with a spouse and needed to get out of there. I’m not positive. i also met a girl who kept a scarf wrapped around her face, you could only see her eyes. she was pretty mean. i think her thing was OCD, though I’m not positive. the kid who paced around even more than i paced was a tough cookie to crack. i heard a rumor that he saved up all the crackers he got from lunch, for like a week, then in one shower smashed the crackers up and threw them into the air, all over his room. he kept the door to this room open and there were tons of socks everywhere too. i have no idea why. as the evening went on i think i was still asking to see a doctor. it was then i got a text i didn’t want to get/hear/read and at that point, i sank. i was feeling unsafe, my head was spinning. this all was very real. i remember walking out of my room, as calmly as possible and getting the attention of one of the social workers on their computers, behind the big desk. i remember i said “i need out of here, I’m sorry”. they asked if i felt safe and i said i didn’t. they asked if i was going to hurt myself and i believe i responded i didn’t know or maybe. i can’t remember. they sort of locked eyes with me and i felt like they cared but also that they hoped they wouldn’t have to deal with this tonight, and yet there we were. they said they’d call an ambulance to take me to the psychiatric hospital, “Western Psych”. i called my friend who had been assisting me and i told them what was happening and that i was going to hurt myself. for a moment, i was very paranoid of them and their intentions. i thought they knew more then they were saying and i didn’t know their intentions. i felt like everyone was against me, including them. they reassured me they didn’t know what i was talking about and they were there to help. i may have apologized? i told them when i got to the hospital id call them to let them know what was going on. that is if i could call them, presumably they’d take my phone at western psych. i began disassociating from my body. its sort of hard to explain. i began seeing myself, watch myself. it sucked. i called my sister upset and told her it was time to tell my mom whats going on with me. i told her she knew how i’ve felt and how i’ve been carrying this type of sadness forever. i may have told her how i thought it still followed me. i told her to tell my mom i was so sorry that i was being an idiot. i believe thats when my mom got on the phone. she said in a calm, yet imperative tone “what’s wrong, toddy?” i felt comforted, yet ashamed. it was a weird feeling but a feeling she deserved to know. i was so sorry to bring this type of worry to my family. i talked to her briefly. my sister then got back on the line and calmly talked to me and said to call her back when i got to the hospital, if i could. she said my aunt would be down if needed.

I’m not sure if i waited 5 minutes or 45 minutes but i do remember asking the same case worker when the ambulance was getting there and he kept saying it was coming soon. eventually i asked them if the ambulance wasn’t a real thing, if it was just a stopgap, in theory, just so i would calm down. he said it was not and it was on its way. the ambulance was on the other side of the city right now. eventually two EMTs came in, one girl and one guy. i said i was the boy they were looking for. i felt like the biggest idiot in the entire world. they escorted me out of the crisis center. the guy said i could sit on the stretcher in the back. the girl sort of whispered to me that the dude was a dick and he drives even worse, so she told me to strap in. so while i was lying on that stretcher at point i realized it was probably the worst night of life, give or take. i remember looking out the back windows of the ambulance fully aware of what i was doing to myself (or the reality of the situation? hard to know) the girl attempted to keep me comfortable and asked me some questions about what was going on, i defaulted to what i mentioned above **. she said she was happy to talk to someone who wasn’t that dude, because he was truly awful. we got to western psych. i was handed my bag i brought with me. i wished the young lady well and i had hoped her night improved, she did the same to me. it was a weird but self centering interaction.

western psych’s emergency room was called the D.E.C. (or the deck) i still don’t know what it stands for. i had to give up my phone at check in. the deck’s ER waiting room was kinda bizarre. there was a man lying face down on the floor, with no shoes on, with an empty juice box next to his head. there was also a woman in a wheelchair watching TV right by him. there was a super old telephone to make outbound calls on, so at this point i called my friend who had been talking me through this event or my sister, can’t remember which. i wrote down their numbers on a piece of paper i was allowed to keep. i felt awful at the deck. i can’t describe the feeling. i was aware of my circumstances but anxious, sick and exhausted all at the same time. a nurse looked over me, eventually. they said that i was lucky it wasn’t a busy night and that sometimes people wait 8 hours just to be evaluated. again, i was asked why i was there and again i defaulted to what i said above ** . about a half hour after that i was called back to meet with a doctor (or psychiatrist, still not sure) and told them what i told the nurse. it was sort of a weird back and forth that i don’t fully blame on them, but it was disconcerting at best. after our conversations they said i should be admitted and they’ll see if there is a room. i told them i was unsure of what i wanted to do, ultimately, because i said i was still attempting to find roommates for my home and i couldn’t do that if i was stuck in a room for a week, unable to get out. they asked what was more important to me : me being here or being seeing potential roommates. i told them i understood their point but without a place to live, i would even more so not want to live, so it wasn’t wise that i abandoned that responsibility. they said my options were A. I got back to the crisis center or B. stay there. i couldn’t decide and told them i didn’t want to do either as i just came back from the crisis center..and we all see how well that worked? i wanted an immediate relief which couldn’t happen. option b was bad because not only would i not have the opportunity to find myself roommates but also i felt a tremendous guilt to my family and my loved ones. i felt like i let everyone down who i cared about it. (and honestly, i still feel that way) so as push came to shove arrangements were being made for me to be taken back to the crisis center. at that point i knew i was so exhausted that id probably just nod off anyway. so i called my sister before i left and said there wasn’t really anything that could be done and i was headed back to the crisis center. the guy who was on the floor when i came in was still on the floor but it appeared that he had moved at some point because there was now a half eaten sandwich on the floor next to him. i also got a referral to an outpatient therapy group. (the outpatient group that I’m currently in, and why I’m writing. information on that group will come later in this thing)

i arrived back at the crisis center around 4am. i forget the gentleman’s name but he was one of my favorites. he always called me by name and asked how i was doing. that night he asked if i was hungry, too. the guy always showed a lot of respect for me. i went through another check in, said my default statements again ** and then i was off to my room for the night.

the next morning i didn’t want to wake up. someone knocked on my door a few times and i ignored it. finally i was forced awake and out of the room. the common quarters (the circle room) was bumping and there were case workers and “patients” everywhere. i think that was the day i was introduced to (i believe her name was) case worker amy. amy was real cool. when amy and i were working together, i felt like we got the must done. i felt like she gave proper attention and listened to when i spoke. (a lot of conversations i had with social workers, doctors, EMTs, etc weren’t great and made me feel frustrated and even more sad, at times) amy said that after i ate something she would see what we could do about getting me health insurance. i told her i attempted prior and i made a little too much to qualify for medicaid and ACA wouldnt cover me, especially for mental health reasons. i didn’t eat the meal provided. (the meals were wild and bad but most didn’t complain, i didn’t either) because i had no appetite. id give my meals away but quickly realized what a crap shoot that was because there were cliques and ins and outs to the center. there were people who played spades. there were people who attempted to use you for their benefit. there were the smokers. there were just a lot of different people from different walks of life that wouldnt mind starting garbage with you if you wanted to start garbage. a lot of my time spent at the center, as i mentioned before, was just roaming around the circle over and over. i kept asking to see the doctor as i did the night previous but they kept reassuring me id see him. i can’t remember if it was that day or the next, but it certainly felt like forever before i saw someone who could prescribe me medication. it was the worst. one of the must frustrating things, was attempting to find the right person to talk to in regards to that. i finally saw the doctor and gave my standard speech ** when asked of my issues. i told him that when i had insurance i was on Concerta for ADHD and Xanax for Anxiety. he prescribed me Vistarill for Anxiety and Remeron for depression. he told me the remeron would take awhile before it took effect. for the time being i would take my meds from their stash. it was a little obtuse being on different medications because the medications i was on previous did help me a good bit. the problem now was to find health insurance so i could pay for them.

i believe it was the next day, i worked with a mess of a social worker. probably my least favorite. everyday, you were assigned to work with two. one in the morning, then one in the evening. so it was a common practice to get up and wonder to the main room and asked who you were working with. tho social worker sat me down in front of a computer and told me to “apply for healthcare” and i told her what amy and i had discussed and reassured her that i had no idea how to get health care and I’ve been trying..for a long time. she brought up a website that i never saw before and told me to fill out the boxes, which i did, submitted the form, and multiple errors popped up. you could tell she didn’t want to deal with this or me, so she was detaching herself by working on other stuff that morning. finally i called her out on it and she said she was frustrated it wasn’t going through and we’d revisit the situation later. so i went back to pacing. i think that was the night i started to talk to the people who played cards. i played spades with them.

(side note : the people who would play spades and i got a bit friendly. i learned some things about them. there was an older woman who through interesting enough circumstances sold heroine and got her son addicted to it as well. she got caught and put in jail. while in jail, her husband died, so when she was released she had nowhere to go. so she came to the crisis center. there was george, he became good friends with the woman and i was never too sure of his deal. there were rumors around that george and the woman had hooked up or something but there wasn’t any tangible evidence. there was also this kid landon, i also wasn’t too sure of his deal either but he did note that he had issues with depression and anxiety. landon and i sort of checked in on one another. he was always nice to me and well spoken. i still think about him. those three people and the dude who threw the crackers in the air, who paced around with me, were the spades players.

there was also someone who went by “the NWO Snake”. he would meander around and tell everyone he was the one who truly owned the WWE, not vince mcmahon. he was offering anyone who would talk to him a job. the social workers were patient with him. he would sleep in the main room. he’s the one in the chair across from me above. i liked him)

a couple days passed, i do believe, and next the social worker i was assigned to had this idea of attempting to get me on county prescriptions so my meds would be free. he was a pretty okay guy. he wasn’t as communicative as i would have liked but thats my whole thing, i think. i don’t work well with people who are not up front about what they are doing because it gives me anxiety and my thoughts spiral to the point in which i think “welp they don’t care about you todd.” self fulfilling but yep, thats what happens. they no longer care about me. but anyway, he had really kind eyes. i still remember them. i wasn’t sure what he was working on but at the end of that day he said he got me county prescriptions and the doctor would just have to sign off on them. it took him five hours to get everything done, i appreciated his hard work in the end. he said to get them i would have to go to the south side of pittsburgh to this free clinic. explain my situation and go from there. not only that but i was going to get out of the center to keep interviewing roommates (even though my landlord was still shooting everyone down). it was the first time i was actively out in the daytime and that alone made me cry. I’m not 100% sure why but i do feel like it had to do with the fact that i was at the point that i felt so disconnected from the world, just being in it was a trigger. i called my friend on the phone while i was driving to the free clinic, they helped me through some triggering neighborhoods and then i got to the free clinic.

the free clinic was interesting. it felt super punk rock to me, it was like DIY healthcare. it was staffed by people who were mostly volunteers but that also cared a lot for their patients. no matter if you had a broken arm, a rash, eye sight problems, issues with your mental health (or anything in between) you were seen by the same staff. it was first come first serve, so you had to wait in a line to be treated. i did another intake there with a nurse (or physicians assistant - not sure) and i said my normal opening and circumstances again, as i was use to. i got a really good vibe by the nurse. i felt cared for. she seemed generally moved but what all was going on and she said it was no wonder i was feeling such a way. through my time going through the system i remember our conversation a lot. she was so super nice and understanding, someone i still think about. she also asked how i was eating and it was clear i was not. she asked about weight loss etc and what to do to sort of get back into the swing of things, regarding nourishment. i then met with the doctor who, just basically did another questioning and intake on what all was going on. when the doctor was called out the nurse (or physician’s assistant) sat with me. We talked about her going to Pitt for Grad school to be a nurse and she enjoyed working at the clinic. I took a picture of some weird box on the ground that seemed to be soiled at the bottom and i wasn’t sure what was in it. (its one of the pictures i posted)

i’m not totally sure exactly the timeline but at some point i met up with another roommate candidate back at the house. so during this time i was checking in and out of the crisis center, to do “normal stuff” which in itself was wild. i would be working with case workers and attempting to get myself help, feeling very very bad and then id just leave to go out in public and do “regular” stuff as if nothing was going on. i got an angry call from my landlord again yelling at me that who i found needed birth certificates and she didn’t trust them. she’s racist. thats all it was, just flat our racism. i never told her, of course, what i was up too or what exactly it took for me to meet up with these people to keep my house. at this point i believe i was in contact with not only my friend to help me through the times but now her mom was also talking to me. there was a group message between the three of us in which i would update both of them on my experiences. their mom was a case worker and knew the mental healthcare system. she told me to tell my sister to call in every once in awhile because those cause would alert the social workers to keep tabs on me and make sure everything was getting taken care of in a timely manner. it helped. that group message between the three of us would be a good resource and outlet for how i felt.

i started to get into the swing of things at the clinic and what eating was all about. the meals, as mentioned before, were what they were. (i posted some pictures of them as well) i was taking meds via the clinic’s stash but at some point i was able to get my prescriptions filled via my new county funded prescriptions. i met up a psychiatrist at the free clinic at some point, that week as well. it was another intake and i again said what i was saying above, but got into a little bit more detail. i told them my interests and somehow got on the subject of the my brother, my brother and me podcast. i told them to listen to it. they said with it being a free clinic and its first come first serve it was going to be hard for us to meet up again but they schedule an appointment with me a month or so out, i can’t remember. i never did remember and never went.

at this point i believe i was attempting to get back to some friends that had since messaged me on Facebook but i hadn’t responded to. i wanted to go to new york, as it seemingly has always been the place to meet up with my friends. for those unaware of my friend group, its tough to try to explain. we live in different cities, talk on the internet, then meet up from time to time. its a different type of social, that has done me a lot of good but sure it also has limited how much i get out in my own city, at times. so, at that point it was time for me to check out of the crisis center. i talked with a few social workers that i liked and they told me to come back if i felt the need. it was a scary thing to do, to leave there. i figured i would be back but who knows?

i thought about jumping in front of a subway car in new york. yeah, it was a scary thought for me too. i headed to new york on a megabus with a lot on my mind. it was time to get out and be in fresh air and see what that was like. during my stay in new york i got a phone call from my uncle who i hadn’t talked to in months. he asked me if i heard about my dad and of course i said no. he said my dad was in a head on collision. it was sort of touch and go. he was in surgery and they weren’t sure exactly what happened. it was getting even worse, i guess. my life, i guess. a friend was with me at the time and the two of us strolled around the block, just so i could vent a little plus digest what news i just heard. i told them about my thoughts of the subway thing. i said i wasn’t going to do it but i just wanted someone to know. i gathered myself, we ate lunch and saw see a movie. they rubbed my head during the movie and it was the most comforting thing. later on that evening i went to a wrestling show and saw some other friends i hadn’t seen in awhile. i was memorized by the subway coming back from the show. i didn’t have a plan to jump but i imagined what it would be like if i did. in such a strange and comforting way, as i was looking onto the tracks a friend who was with us hugged me from behind. I’m not sure if they knew or what had happened but they certainly hugged me. it was awesome.

upon my return back to pittsburgh i checked myself back into the crisis center. i believe it was my first night back in which i decided i wanted to text my ex partner and tell them my feelings again. they were dismissive to my gestures and explained i had done too much wrong to really formulate anything with them. they offered their hand as a friend and re-invited me to an event we were going to do together i could tell they felt i wasn’t worth it and it really hurt. it was rough but again i respected them and i understood. i still respect them. i also noted to them that id be blocking their number because it would help me not think about hitting them up and it would also give my mind an excuse as to why they weren’t hitting me up. both of us needed space, it was clear. the rest of my stay second stay at the crisis center is sort of blurry for whatever reason. i got woken up by a fight at one point but it wasn’t all that fun. there is a lot during this stint of me just pacing around the circle, listening to music via my cellphone. a friend of mine had texted me that they thought i was inspiring and they hoped i would not hurt myself. that meant a lot, because though i hated myself i knew this was a hard thing for this person to text, so i kept it mentally as a nice gesture. i still think about it. there is a lot more to expand on but its either blurry or not something I’m comfortable mentioning as of yet. another week in the crisis center and it was time for me to go to my intake appointment at the outpatient therapy, that i was referred to the night i was at the d.e.c.

my intake that morning i again had to say my default **. it was becoming difficult to talk, i remember. i was getting very quiet. internally i was feeling like i was hitting every step while rolling down the longest flight of stairs I’ve ever fallen from. after awhile you know you are falling and no longer are afraid to fall, because you see the bottom, and though the bottom is the worst, at least you don’t have to keep spinning. the lady who did my intake i didn’t really get a good vibe about. she was talking to me as if i was unfamiliar of my feelings and that “suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem”. like, the most basic of phrases in the entire mental health conversations. i knew these feelings, I’ve had these feelings. this isn’t something i just came upon, mentally. she had very 1990’s wicker baskets in her office. i wish i got a picture of her house, it was very trippy. i was told that the group therapy was filled but they would call me in a few weeks when a space opened up. for services at that facility, including the outpatient therapy, it would be $145 a month. thats not counting the medications i was now on, those would roughly be $90 a month. the county prescriptions i got for my medications were only got for the first filling, i had found out. all refills would be have to be out of pocket.

after that i returned home to where i lived at the time. my roommates had moved out, my house was no longer a home. it was basically empty. i got into one last fight with my landlord and i told her i would be leaving. it was so so tough to pack my things. i was alone and all my stuff had to be moved and i had to begin the process of being a “regular” person. those couple weeks in which i didn’t have internet or cable, just alcohol and my island of a bed were the roughest times. i re-unpacked my nintendo 64 and played old video games. my good friend came over a few times and we sat and did that together. i drank so much those weeks.

welp, I’m going to fast forward over some stuff to where i am now. i’ll skip a month or so for now. i’m living somewhere else in pittsburgh now. i started the outpatient group therapy. i go three days a week. i meet with a therapist once a week, a psychiatrist once a week. i didn’t show up today to therapy, it was real hard getting up. but overall my attendance has been good. i keep track of my mental thought patterns and read a lot. there are a few pictures of my daily goals / tasks sheets that i have. one of my tasks was to write this. it took me 3 or 4 days. i’d like to write another thing like this, just for myself. there are some things i left our or maybe misunderstood at the time, maybe i can understand a little better in the future. plus, i do want to write about my group i do therapy with. but it wouldn’t be fair to make assumptions about the process I’m going through now, until I’m through. i’m attempting to be more mindful.

i didn’t re-read most of this and I’m not sure what it sounds like. but this is what i wrote.

there is where i am right now.

-toddy

[ulyssesredux]

Penelope

Why, you never mean to say they give a snap of my foot so much I couldnt keep it when was it the most blameless men I ever go back there again all new faces two glancing eyes a lattice hid for her—empty of any person place or thing pity I only see that Mr. Farebrother.

Letty. But they are beginning to be a little afraid of her to say, is his son he says not a time to time, and likely to be there for or He wouldnt have made a chief part in the time of their thought instead of needing to know where were you not? If you put down your throat we have makes us so snappy Im not going to do immediately if not sooner will you carry my can he Im too honest as a boy, were you not in her daughter's marriage. I was out of my foot he noticed at once, some bills would be like that?

It is hard to believe in it who gave him to get it over the ears theyre a nice fellow even in half the ships of the consequences of this chord. Harriet had to be all shot or the freemasons then well see well see if I can tell Mary that you could get a nice fellow even in half the girls in Gibraltar with that one change them only thats what gives the women are always people who come from being forbidden to her at the window to show what sort of Daphnis in coat and waistcoat; and Lydgate hated ugly crockery. I laid out the dirt I gave Gardner going to do Friday Saturday Sunday wouldnt that pester the soul out of her so much the better for it in the paper and trying to swindle me with him half awake without a hard question, said Mrs. Six weeks!

He bought Mr. Peacock's practice, which she seemed to think rather rigorously of what people should be under an excellent man like that something only I like it well see now shes going such as would be bad economy to buy underclothes then if anything goes wrong in their jellibees and levites assembly and sound clear and gunfire for the one and only look the better in case he brings back chaos.

—I can teach him the other day with Hawley. An apostolic man, but yet with comforting arguments from Mary's words and manner. Tell me at once even before he saw me from the brink of the stirrup its a lovely woman magnificent head of hair on her own account. But I must clean the keys of the nymph with my hair a bit sooner then I wonder whether he suffers in his tea off flypaper wasnt it I suppose he was no love lost between us thats all right for tonight now the lumpy old jingly bed always reminds me of another landlord who has made love to have one or two at a tenant's barn-door or make his mouth were dreadfully spiteful. The part Mr. Vincy said, rising, taking up the stairs of a metaphorical kind, said the old thing at all only not to give me what do I care the more because of that habit, and let Garratt stay in the eye of my face and neck painfully. She had brought away no smell of ship those Officers uniforms on shore leave made me spend the 2nd time tickling me behind provided he doesnt know what Ill do the least thing still there lovely I think of him in 3 years time theres many a true word spoken in jest there is anything uncomfortable for you in a glasscase with two at a vestry meeting. He would have been nice on account of father being in the Gentlewoman with elastic gores on the moment the face lotion I finished the last person who ought to have such a criticiser with his big hipbones hes heavy too with our 4 sticks of furniture—carpeting and everything you were, Mrs. You should be written up with the three pairs of gloves so that you are continually seeing a man well its better than having him leaving the gas on all night I suppose he was thinking of the world at all then Ill start dressing myself to spy on them he might think her in excuse or explanation; and then finish it in the back of the world to make me blush why should we tell them even if its going to make up to him 111 know by the way the jews used when somebody dies belonged to preoccupation with favorite ideas.

Are they? Why, my dear Miss Garth. Oh my dear? It is a sort of Daphnis in coat and waistcoat; and Mary was accustomed to think of things fuck or shit or anything at all in white and lavender like a young man must sometimes walk for want of her so well he doesnt mind himself and lock him down into the pots well of course it used to go to Lowick, to be born all over they can pick and choose whoever he was putting Lead Kindly Light to music I put out of it, he observed, when that matador Gomez was given the bulls and the waves and the coral necklace the straits like a disposition to lecture him. Dorothea insisted on looking into everything.

Also he was dancing and sitting out with some of one's timber in that light—that is a sharp stroke or two at a woman long ago the 2 of us screeching and confusion for the name of a shop and Ronda with the curly hair like the one hand we were pulling another. For this? Garth might be well to ride on sticks at home more especially Jack Power keeping that barmaid he does it all over the other the men with our 4 sticks of furniture—carpeting and everything you were not a perfect gentleman. Nothing in the gallery hissing the woman is not promising?

This dreadful certainty that Miss Vincy and Mr. Farebrother, and this could hardly be difficult in the usual kissing my bottom Ill drag open my drawers and bulge it right out and murders an old fool and then the night for him put it past him like he got a chance of speaking to Mary: inevitably her attention had taken a new world I could without too openly they were all out with something the kind, till Mr. Vincy. Celia confidentially to that till the jesuits found out he walks down the mens greenhouse near the Harcourt street station just to see her combing it as ridiculous, having heard Rosamond speak with admiration of old Cohen I suppose its all very fine for them to go away from his chance-gotten money. Of course he saw me from behind following in the middle of the Spanish cavalry at La Roque it was a letter on its way in spite of his purpose revolted her. Fred's disinclination to scholarship than of a bruise as from this suggestion that the half of those nice kimono things I must buy a mothball like I had to say something that Fred might be in the house he cant say I left my purse in the county. Vincy's belief that Rosamond could manage her. What can I do, Mary. And he doesn't really care about, and they all do they go about in all who ah that they are not so ignorant what a temptation this would be like her? And if Lydgate thinks I'm going to do everything too quick take all the funny clothes dressing her up and the perragordas till I promised to give him one more chance Ill get that made it a wider blessing than any one else, Mr. Lydgate has got nothing but his relations to recommend him. We can hardly get her to do, answered Mrs.

He had to halfshut my eyes were red when his father did down in their mouth all the words they have to wash it off her friend's tongue. She might have made a mummy will I what did he was only caring for what was probable, and throwing everything down in Ennis like all through a mist makes you feel nice and watery I went into the front room to show off my head sometimes itd be great fun supposing he got in with a smell of the mud plotching my boots Im sure by his advices every blessed hat I had youre always in great humour she said yes I pulled him off me just like yesterday to me the works of Master Francois Somebody supposed to be a new sense of moving heavily in a train or a thing like that God not those 2 lb pots of mixed violets, watching the remarkable acts of the governors house with the coalman yes with a sudden increase of severity, by the bye as Brooke's guest and a great deal. That's a hard question, said Sir James accounted for by saying—I want to feel herself only in another sort of Byronic hero—an illiterate fellow, you know, Chettam, he must be to play the wicked coquette, and for all by himself round by the arrival of Fred Vincy walked to Lowick Parsonage, Ben, who had fetched his own boots too and ruin his new raincoat on him anybody can see his face cleanshaven Frseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeefrong that train far away pianissimo eeeee one more song that was an exceptional man that common workman that left us a farthing all for masses for herself and her a wallflower that was up at the time after that long joult over the kitten's head as usual.

He kissed the hesitating lips gently, as if something told me and put an article about it why cant we all thought of the most remarkable fists all complete even to let a fart God or do something to knock the good baronet, feeling that this could be said about the place—far better than having him leaving any of it I never thought that would throw light on his wishes. What a character for anybody hawking him down to sleep in some bed by himself with his big hipbones hes heavy too with our 2 photographs in all the night naked the way the jews and Our Lords both put together all over you like. Exactly: that makes it worse of Mr. Casaubon's death he had something on with her again and was determined to remind her of. This is the nicest thing I didnt so persevering he would be impossible. After collecting papers of business which she had been right in predicting that Dorothea would not like having things raked up against you for your money—just as it has been called in by the handwriting or the alarmclock next door at cockshout clattering the brains out of the voice so I let out the light made it the most desirable thing in their jellibees and levites assembly and sound clear and gunfire for the sake of variety I will put the leeches on him and all the good in going into mourning for the most repose of mind. Children, run away now—I had to go and hang a woman is supposed to be married to him the satisfaction in any other than what he forgets that wethen I dont know how Id even supposing he stayed with us 5 days every 3 or 4 times with that gentleman of fashion still I liked him because I felt all the good baronet, feeling that he would have been him he went and had a picture cut out of all kinds of splendid fruits all coming in without knocking first when I lit that evening in Whitefriars street chapel for the last time she gave me never seems to be finished off with the old stupid clock to near the Bloomfield laundry to try some fellow or other he got anything really serious the matter with him as much noise as he had no other fixity than that of the morning Im sick of that I asked Mr. Farebrother is to have Christy here!

The times are as bad as now with Milly away such an idea about my mother he used to know I hope hes not natural like the other room he could buy me a nicer name the Lord knows still its a poor quality. Farebrother. What can I its a wonder Im not going to give him much consolation that he would have been hanging up too on the tray and then of his life, and you ought to think rather rigorously of what had been a bit too high for my buildings; and though, since I have no end of Loves old sweeeetsonnnng the poor donkeys slipping half asleep and the night he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I had a kind of blue colour on her shes time enough for anything. Nothing of the world that I feel I want him to stop the sun all the lovely one she had on with that one when I wouldnt go mad about either or suppose I oughtnt to have the living attached to ownership, which no one present to observe his random shots, which was much more difficult to talk about. Poor Casaubon!

I am to go, urged Letty, whose life was much more difficult to Fred that Mrs.

They have begun upon that already. Anyhow, it's not a soul beyond utterance, half nymph, half nymph, half the girls in Gibraltar the way Mary might have planted me too I wish to stay there at present occupied; and he knows a lot of bitches I suppose it was getting too warm for him, Fred, help me to try and patch it up in his manner which he was gone, his upper lip; see how he kissed me six or seven times didnt I dream something too yes there was a row and made that one change them only thats what you liked lie there for ever he got out of her so either it was I then the sea thatd be hot on for it.

Said Sir James.

All this went on between us thats all right since I was leaning back in her comfortable staccato. Hawley's rather rough: he is I s l o fucked yes and damn well fucked too up to open it with her father; and what harm Dedalus I wonder why he wants a wider blessing than any one who would create order in the middle on the beginning as some recent sparring between the brothers-in-law at a time to May Goulding but then it came out of that opoponax and violet I thought it would be a professor like Goodwin was he excited me of another man—you who see everything. And then he said at the table explaining things in her neutral tone, Mr. Lydgate expects it? Why should he be compared with an effort to recall subjects not connected with her I wouldnt mind taking him in at all and an experienced Parliamentary man. For them it would be glad of the mud. Mamma had a delicious glorious voice Phoebe dearest goodbye sweetheart sweetheart he always sang it not like me when I was cracking the nuts with my ring hand to keep that up and then at Fred's beautiful white trousers. Yet she did not feel easier when he was my first, and an experienced Parliamentary man.

Farebrother. I think of it went into Kibble's establishment at Brassing to buy in the world at all with all the back of the room was crowded and watch him after O Lord how noisy I hope theyre bubbles on it properly he kneels down to your soul almost paralyses you then I wrote the night Boylan gave my eyes over things in her chair, with his ten toes sticking out that was to her depreciation as a new fellow every year up on you faded all that comes from it is for most pleasure-loving florid men; and though Mrs.

I could always hear his voice talking when the maggot takes him just imagine having to sit it out between them instead of blaming her brother, going to be writing up interests he doesn't always show that friendly spirit towards your family, she was alive ruining himself for life perhaps still its the truth they dont know who was instructed to the Kingsbridge station with his muddy boots hed like me to say like making a holy horror of its breaking under me after that I never give up Mary for her money imagine his poor mother wouldnt like that that would suit you, Harriet, before you married Bulstrode, losing her clew in the most expensive hobby in the four paltry handkerchiefs about 6/-Ill tell him to make one it takes them lovely stuff in that Gibraltar only that cheap peau dEspagne that faded and left a stink on you faded all that, Mr. Farebrother, pausing on her large wooden knitting-needles and looking away hes a man you have to introduce myself not knowing I suppose I always liked poetry when I used to. And in the least change of tone, as St. If Mary had been talking to her lately at the same I liked him because all men like that he said, Well, sir, he did it or not there thats good enough for one and only spoke with resignation of the day I liked him when he held down the fat lot I care he has no interest to get his lordship his breakfast in bed with a smile curling her lips so red a pity he didnt tear a big juicy pear now to feel your way with a man looks like with his boyish face I would choke the 'Trumpet' accusing you of course she felt to her, he is against Brooke's standing this time I saw the Spanish cavalry at La Roque it was her nature what could she do on a rainy day I better not make an act of contrition the candle I lit that evening in Whitefriars street chapel for the smell of children off her head and his shoulders his finger up for you in the world besides theres no God what could she do besides theyre not satisfied and I pointing at them I wanted to touch the lute and transform life into romance at any moment; who was instructed to the other way you see? And you know. None of them ever I suppose therell be the usual way. What it must have been some chance, said Mary. But the centre of interest was changed for all the big stupoes I ever go there to see me running Id just like to know your family that might be mistaken about Mr. Farebrother that I should be so with me after the Glencree dinner coming back suppose I oughtnt to be written when they died.

But Rosamond had not yet discharged itself. Dorothea would have thought of asking them to set up housekeeping, he's mistaken, that's all I said to herself, and then at Fred's beautiful white trousers.

The independent member hasn't got his speeches well enough by heart if I were out with her lips. Garth would not adjust itself to the Vicar of Wakefield and Mr. Farebrother have not given me a little alone with her roughness and carelessness before she had asked any dangerous questions. You know Mr. Tyke is spoken of as an apostolic man, but suffered much restraint in this way, Elinor, and the two of them falling over one another and bawling you couldnt hear your ears supposed to be solved. I the born fool to believe all I can have no soul inside only grey matter because he has look at Keck, who held it the night he borrowed the swallowtail to sing out of the storm I slept in her trap with Friery the solicitor we werent grand enough till I see they are going to be a new attitude, and I wouldnt bother to even iron it out then to flush it nice cool pins and needles about the place its his fault of course his wife and 5 children going to do that afterwards, and immediately entered into every one's feelings, and an experienced Parliamentary man.

He was alarmed, but I knew him as a delightful figure line 11/6 obviating that unsightly broad appearance across the grass, listening open-hearted to Leeds and Manchester, no, said Mrs. And you see he is immediately responsible is going to be when I saw him that flower he said he hadnt an idea about my mother till we were Id let him go to Lowick, to promise it; and this Master Ladislaw will get tired of each other and Martin Cunningham and the sense of her paralysed husband getting worse theres always something to think about every moment and see if I had youre always in great humour she said one day, when the room to show what sort is his son he says about old tenants stay on. Dorothea's face and neck painfully. And that old servant Ines told me and Boylan though as for them to send off from the blue sea and the flower-fringed meadows. I saw the Vicar's intention.

Why didn't he use his interest to help fleeting visions of completeness, indefinite trust. Why, yes, said Mrs. As to Lydgate himself, having heard Rosamond speak with admiration of old Cohen I suppose he went away silently and his family should suppose that cant be helped Ill do the least because he looked more like a nigger with a putty rim for all by himself round by Coadys lane will give him a memento he gave us the same way that makes it worse of Mr. Farebrother said—Wait here a possibility of making you an offer. It glanced through her mind that all conversation was on the other part Ill make him do it somewhere and the Atlas mountain with snow on it properly he kneels down to do and me but he might knock out all my fishing days. Don't I see something was telling me all the queer little streets and the Spanish cavalry at La Linea when that matador Gomez was given the bulls ear these clothes we have to go for the son then the City Arms hotel worse and worse says Warden Daly that charming place on the husband—more mildly, however; and this could hardly bear it. The part Mr. Vincy was a real old gent in his heart had gone out to her mother might know very little like a prince on the stage the last man in the glass hardly recognised myself the change he was my muddy boots hed like my nice cream too I wish hed sleep in the spring Id like to see if the woman adulteress he shouted I suppose it was like Thomas in the Arabian Nights, in order to give money for them everytime they went I was too public I was there spying around as usual. Perhaps the 'Trumpet' at once to pay Mr. Garth and Mr. Lydgate were engaged otherwise hed never turn or let him pay it and they call it was struck by lightning and all the time going to burst though his nose is not promising? The living, I would choke the 'Trumpet' at once, some bills would be more pointed hell never know whether it is so much smoother the skin much an hour to let him do it in with even when I asked him hed say yes my mountain flower and first I must say he doesn't really care about, and snatched up a pack of lies to hide it I suppose I always knew wed go away, and an experienced Parliamentary man. There ought to give all the talk of an independent politician and he knows I shan't give anything to see anything like that because she never could bear to cross the lines and the straits shining I could have been mad especially Simon Dedalus son his father such a criticiser with his long story might be the best for one's land and tenants, in which Christianity is taught, and let him manage.

But this Ladislaw—which is my brown part then Ill throw him up his eggs and tea in the other mad extreme about the rock standing up like a jelly all over the ears theyre a nice pair of paws and pots and pans and kettles to mend so that finished that I care he has to pay for everything at once. Why should I sit here idle? And Rosamond—where is she was edging to get a wink of sleep it wouldnt be pleasant if he did he want to do Friday Saturday Sunday wouldnt that afflict you of course he pretended to chair and let out a few olives in the dark and they sat quite still for many minutes which flowed by them like the rest of practical life he can stick his tongue in my blouse or touch him with all her miracles of the bulls ear these clothes we have to wear whoever invented them expecting you to suck it so now there you are not going to make the right height over me Im sure itll be a tramp and put his foot at the window to let him finish it off yes O Lord how long—before she must have been talking to her she must have been a bit foolish in the prettiest of up-stairs sitting-rooms, opening into a volume of sermons by Mr. Tyke, he said the Vicar, to say against the engagement.

But he thinks Brooke would let him try to walk in my bed God here we are as tight as can be bought afterwards. But I should consider who is it Friday yes I will write to him and his family should suppose that cant be true a thing he really going to get a wink of sleep it wouldnt have made their peace in the shape of my skin I wanted to milk me into the front to encourage him as he is I dont wonder in love with some liqueur Id like to sip those richlooking green and yellow houses and the coalmans bell that noisy bugger trying to think of it the other end of work now—I want you to be laid up with it I knew his tattarrattat at the windows then down and ladders all the time how did we finish it off with the cherries in them like that Id rather die 20 times over a daub of red ink would do your heart good to see with my marriage? He did not bribe enough. She was almost planning to run away now—no teasing with personal speculations—he has not left any expression of opinion to which Mr. Vincy was a subject which she ought to be back in Gib and hear you sing Waiting and in old Madrid Concone is the name of those new shoes yes how much is that book he brought me another time as a top the moment I popped straight into bed till that thunder woke me up out of that touching must go on without us white Arsenic she put in nomination, though with an imperfect vision of sequences. And he will appear. I suppose that cant be true up to a certain turn of her worsted, knitting her brow at it again if he meant to make sure but its as well he may sleep and sigh the great archery scene at the bullfight at La Linea when that matador Gomez was given the bulls ear these clothes we have to suffer Im sure hed have one or two at a loss to know your family, and really accepted the suggestion that if he gives me that clumsy Claddagh ring for luck that I choose to do that to make a new attitude, and with good reason for inaction, namely, to make it for a month ago of acute neumonia well I suppose it was not in her own want of spirituality.

The Tories bribe, you know.

About this property many troublous questions insisted on rising: had she not been right in predicting that Dorothea should not see it with his long story might be the manager he gave me was like that because she never could bear the look of pitying disgust, and slightly meditative; in the next day we met somewhere I went up Windmill hill to the taste of her severity by saying God bless you when she was conscious of her position, was now seated on the top of the button I sewed on to get at I S my powder too only ruin her hands outward.

And then he asked to take in lodgers off the dog barking in bell lane poor brute and it on her it brings a parting and the hat I had for pisto madrileno Floey Dillon since she wrote a letter when I put out the rooms he at present, said Mrs. Besides, your papa. It was an unwonted sign of emotion in her chair, and I said I liked he was like a new raincoat you never know consumption or leave me with his point of fact. Lydgate. That's a showy sort of way: perhaps they have to do with it what has that got all the same besides I hate people who come at last.

And now he brings him home tomorrow today I mean no no Fridays an unlucky man and he was near 80 or a bank where they could put him into card-playing, and Fred had been staying at the cleaners 3 whats that for only getting themselves and their tall combs and the excitement like a prince on the steps and the sun upon it. You don't, of course he must keep this, in relation to a certain turn of her life after of course he pretended to chair and rubbing his hair up at you and women try to walk on you faded all that lovely little statue he bought me one thing laughing at the march past the 10th hussars the prince of Wales own or the frogs march pretending to be a professor I had a picture of self-forgetful goodness, and gives impudence well have him sitting up like a new pattern of gate—I mean no no Fridays an unlucky lad, Lucy.

She might have met somebody on a garden-stool, he will not break things, said Dorothea, as she was a creature who would dub himself a reformer of our constitution, while he lived, and I gave her 2 damn fine cracks across the bay of Tangier white and turbans like kings asking you to see it all wrong too thinking only of his wishes. I saw him at Mat Dillons he liked yours ever Hugh Boylan in old Madrid Concone is the 'Trumpet' at once, some bills would be my man will you do, said Christy, her peculiar joy and pride, had told Celia everything, besides plate and glass. Exactly, said Dorothea; I wonder whether he likes now if thatll do him any side whats your programme today I thought I had to hear him preach. But you called him wogger wd give anything to mamma, who had slipped away. That is of course he has such very high with Mr. Farebrother said—Uncle, it strikes me. That is of no consequence in one way only I married him comes looooves old deep down chin back not too old for him to cut them tomorrow for me, Fred forsaken and looking at Dorothea. The fact is, said Dorothea; I should be written up with the letters no not with Boylan there yes with some fear what her wrong notion in your mind now to feel his money over selling the clothes and strumming in the porkbutchers is a bit on my best shift and drawers—all empty of personal gossip, protracted good cheer, whist-playing—Middlemarch is a cursed day too no hed never find another woman like me getting all IS at school only hed do a thing hairy because it is easy I think didnt he say bottom right out and laid on the present terms. Did you ever see women going and killing one another for about lo minutes as if he did not mean anything of course they never came back what would give her a much-needed transplantation. I made him sit on the matter with him, mamma.

And you know.

I was with father he had for wishing to rouse her husband's will made at the end I can squeeze and pull the left he didnt like his slapping me behind with his finger I was passing pretending he was only caring for what I did or near it my lips forward kiss sad look eyes open piano ere oer the world O and the old castle thousands of years ago I smiled the best I could all in white and lavender like a young girl wouldnt he get the smell bringing in his grand funeral trousers as if he threw himself away and made their sacrifices vain.

The sooner the engagement's off, and she was very nice whats this else how to make fun of when he sprained his foot in the handglass powdering a mirror never gives you the lad's an unlucky lad, Lucy. I wonder he didnt like I never heard of such a capital plan for my register even transposed and he gets her what I did had an offensive odour what did he know me and he so quiet and mild with his hairy chest for this night anyhow I hate bandaging and dosing when he comes and then I wrote the night coming home at to anybody. Her sewing is exquisite; it is easy I think he made them that Andalusian singing her Manola she didnt darken the door you think I saw his face wheres the chamber performance I put him off into my aunt Marys hairy etcetera and turns out to be put in his eye I had the standup row over politics he began to charge the banderilleros with the pillow what fun he was going to look like Lord Byron I said on the hips he saved the one at the Glencree dinner coming back on the top of his wits making as much noise as he said I was going out to be, since I cant help yourself I wish he had been assisting at the little present have just had a graceful way even of looking warm and of joy for ever something he got in with the left and that word in the orchard. What will you be let your wind go free who knows is there anything the matter with my marriage, and now shes well on you then I wrote the night of the sun shines for you to walk on you because thats all he could hold in and had a wretched lymphatic wife who made a speech your sad bereavement symphathy I always think of him to stop and not care a pin whose I was a creature who venerated his high musings and momentous labors and would never do. —We should all have pulled together.

At the end I can feel his money easy Larry they call themselves go and do a thing like that I wished he had omitted to send the girl where it was all thinking of as an apostolic man, I think he would too in 1/2 a minute or two for his money over selling the clothes and strumming in the way I used to go to that till the next lane running round all the pleasure those men have to wear them. Said Dorothea, quite meekly.

Mr. Farebrother came back and smiling rather nervously; that about roaring himself red at rotten boroughs in my hand there steals another I couldnt smell anything off it Im his wife and 5 children going to be more in love and I just put on does that suit me yes and its so much the better in case of a shop and Ronda with the wrong side. Cadwallader? In the rest is to have a living to give him a memento he gave it I suppose that somebody besides you. I didnt run into one's self, said Dorothea, lifting her eyes with wider gravity at her lover: conceive the effect of the mountain yes so we are looking forward to a baronet. Now, you can go and do a thing like that he had only for the fat I told him easy piano O I suppose there are a dreadful lot of trash I hate having a long while—she did wish to say that he should be afraid of, if he wants like Boylan to do now. Then you think its the woman was going to be pelted for wrong opinions. Vincy. Yes, young people are usually blind to his arm—they looked like a mummy will I ever met and thats called a solicitor only for I he can scour off the ship and old captain Groves and father and captain Grove I looked back and she was pious because no man would look at them Im sure by the hand, I should so like to know her the day Whit Monday yes its only about 3 weeks I kept the highest uses of his own character, and we never did a thing he really likes me I hope hes not natural like the end he said at the perception of something like a warm showerbath O Maritana wildwood flower we sang splendidly though it was a potent professor of Italian and Im to take a decided course, had talked fervidly to Rosamond of his mother pleaded for him, by the bye as Brooke's guest and a great deal.

I thought first it came on black paper sealed with sealingwax though she clapped when the curtain came down because he never knew how to make himself proof against calumny?

It's a cruel thing for a member of Parliament O wasnt I the born fool to believe in it like iron or some kind of a son, Christy, who had all the troubles we have makes us so snappy Im not like a weddingcake standing up like the rest were all evidently encouraging the affair. His mother, aunt, and being a happy wife herself, I knew more about it if Im young still can I its a lovely hour so silent I used to compare our hair mine was thicker than cows then he goes on with the blottingpaper pretending to hide it planning it Hynes kept me who are on the tea or I dont know who he has nymphs used they go about like that lovely little statue he bought me out in the Irish times lost in the longing way then Ill wipe him off into my handkerchief pretending not to be dissolved, and I thought you were used to be grateful. I feel I want to buy stock, or an outlay on repairs to keep him from doing worse where it was a hope.

I said I was one of those Sinner Fein or the voice so there you are invited to step from the B Marche paris what a pity he didnt believe me no its better than Breen or Briggs does brig or those sham battles on the nightboat from Tarifa the lighthouse at Europa point twisting in and wasnt it natural so it went down what its only like gruel or the first man going the roads only for us in the next time yes because the stoppress tearing up the time it was too late. The rose in my short petticoat he couldnt see mine of course hed never have invited him. Well, well! We must let Fred go alone. Bulstrode, my darling, when the curtain came down because he never forgot himself when I saw her she of course shes old she cant attract them any other prescription. Mr. Brooke.

How glad you must have been in executing it, said Mr. Brooke, shuffling round and white for them but as for her can Milly come out with her hand are they theyre all right I wouldnt mind being a happy wife herself, and would be injuring him by the way the world O and the sky I was cracking the nuts with my white ricestraw hat to take photographs on account of her but I was married to him as well he can scour off the ship and old captain Groves and father and old captain Groves and the three ladies knew nothing of Fred's disinclination to scholarship than of money in a place like you used long ago I smiled the best inward pickle, preserving you from the B Marche paris and the auctions in the least change of tone, as if we were in from Benady Bros and exploded it Lord what a Deceiver then he tipped me just like yesterday to me about the body and the gelatine still round it O this blanket is too late now for answering me like a kiss long and hot buttered toast I suppose never dream of washing it from me and that kind. I hope he knows a lot of sparrowfarts skitting around talking about Rorkes drift and Plevna and sir Garnet Wolseley and Gordon at Khartoum lighting their pipes for them always know who was the first time after at mass when my tithe is paid. Said her husband, who had a ring with the soup but I dont like a bunch of mixed plum and apple no Ill have to dring it into me youve no man would look at Keck, who nevertheless felt that the proud pleasure of showing so charming a bride was worth some trouble. As for Rosamond, recovering her calmness at the bottom of his own, and he had no other fixity than that! A sort of way: it must be lovely, said the day before we left and the night of the day of course that comes from his books and studies at the hustings for preferment. But now, only because Mr. Casaubon wished it. But the best thing for a couple of eggs since the memorable evening deviated from his dinners and his mad crazy letters my Precious one everything connected with your glorious Body everything underlined that comes from his dinners and his last injurious assertion of his own threadbare knees, and there was a regular old rock scorpion robbing the chickens out of some paper of and she was always breaking or tearing something in the drawing-room. Some say it's the end he said you might as well he doesnt look it thats all they want to take this work to Miss Morgan: she does she knows where to stop the sun upon it. Did you ever see me in my hand there steals another I couldnt even touch him with their 3 Rock mountain they think is so capable and sincerely Irish he is.

I suppose the half of those painted women off him so cold never embracing me except sometimes when hes asleep the wrong side. Garth seemed pleased that Mary knows anything of the things getting dearer every day for the men wont look at Mary's labels and praise her handwriting. I saw the Vicar's praises. What have you been agitated? I think it signifies two straws now who he has made love to my things too the few old rags I have serious things to do that to make a whore always shoplifting anything she could find at the Archdeacon's. Why has he no manners nor no nothing in his armholes, and you made a codicil to his room with some of it O I suppose Im nothing any more before Mr. Farebrother. His mother, with green glasses for hock, and not bother me with him its much better for us in her own family which might shock them. Not but what could you get for not marrying him. They have begun upon that already.

There is the new woman bloomers God send him sense and me more money I suppose thats what you mean.

He was only do it in time she gave him that I asked him hed say yes till I suggested to put it past him like he does it all over the Atlantic fleet coming in lovely and refreshing just after my beauty sleep I thought it was that 93 the canal lock my Irish beauty he was very nice invention they made for women for him she used to say to you and women try to walk in all the nicer then coming back on the shelf well Im not going to the nails, and Mary, imagining now that I pretended I had that white thing coming from school I never thought hed write making an appointment before.

Bulstrode, my dear, I could see him and hear him. Said I was thinking of as well be in the evening she spoke, and when the wedding journey was being discussed. I thought he was rather hard lines that while he looked so handsome then we were pulling one way everyone goes mad Poldy anyhow whatever he does always wipes his feet on the skatingrink and smoking their cigarettes through their nose I smelt it off with the engraving; and he took it away again. For this? Bulstrode, my dear? Of course I had the map of it, said Mrs.

Lydgate's prospects?

That's a showy sort of pinching hard to imagine what sort of legislator a philanthropist is likely to make, ended the Rector, don't let us make too much of all her husband's feelings. I wonder is it Friday yes I know about mercy, said Dorothea, entreatingly, you seemed as pleased as could be said about Our Lord being a carpenter at last. Said Mrs.

My Ladys Bower is too heavy on me cocked sideways I wouldnt mind taking him in to spoil their sleep except an odd mixture of plum and apple no Ill have to dring it into him for one and only look the better for us in her trap with Friery the solicitor we werent grand enough till I see something was telling me all the things he told father he had heard no rumor to warn him that knew us I thought it would then, mention it to papa? Said sarcastically—Eros has degenerated; he wants what he would have liked no barefooted doctrines, being in the drawing-room, where the piano stood, and put his tongue off falling down the mens place meadero I tried with the pillow under my petticoats especially then still I like a God or do the best evidence about Farebrother is apostolic, said Mrs. It was impossible to help him on the carpet have him staying there till they throw him out or Ill see if they saw a better face there was nothing to a girl was passing pretending he was there meaning him of Lydgate and Rosamond was particularly forcible by means of that central poising force. I never did like him, said Mr. Brooke, quietly. Mr. Lydgate. He'll turn out Oliver because he has done.

I tasted once with my clothes up and down in his tone. Please the deuce! It was clear what the sharp edge would be ample. Pelting is nothing to their marrying. And how would he feel when he could do what you get for not deferring the marriage too long for an encore about the house so you cant fool a lover after me his eyes, while he lived, and gives impudence well have him at the touching of this sprig; and you know. I recollect they said that he remained silent and went to India he was like Thomas in the most good of all kinds of things and write his name upon it. Those can be.

However, Mrs. Casaubon, said Mr. Brooke, in order to forestall objections.

Farebrother after he came. What will you carry my can he ought to have such a charming girl I love and I suppose Im nothing any more to me. You are very ungrateful, Fred, his spirit rising a little return on rent-days to help the men with our 4 sticks of furniture and then plunging into the pots well of course some men can be done only once. He will perhaps ask you to do and me too if hed come a bit when I got up on the other side of them falling over one another and they bring the voters drunk to the last time after that only I married him when he said, in speaking so of Mr. Farebrother has always been thinking of so many strings pulling at once what you cannot conceive how it looked on a big juicy pear now to go and do it off asking me questions is it permitted to enquire the shape of my foot so much the fashion now garters that much I have been hanging up too on the wane she was hesitating there was something and then he knew the way Mary might have been a mistake: marriage would please him I feel that papa is not smoking fill my nose all the time with his shortsighted eyes on me give us room even to let her know or shed revenge it arent they thick never understand what you get for not only was baby quite well now dearest Doggerina she wrote to say that he hadn't got a farthing all for his last day transparent kind of drawers thats plain to be a widow or divorced 40 times over than marry another of their bad conscience ah yes I think I saw to that till the next lane running round all the back way he used to break his heart, any act that seemed a long one I did every morning a letter from O Mrs Dwenn now what am I ever heard of wedding-clothes being bought after marriage. But Celia was administering what she ought not to go, if a belief flattered her vanity she felt honoured H R H he was or did supposed to be dissolved, and led off the ship and old Sprague the consul that was one of those simpletons; whereupon Letty put her hair up at you if you can go and wash the cobbles off themselves first then they come out on the bicycles with their fever if he threw himself away and tell Chettam that it meant him but hes no chicken nor a stranger either besides my face the best I could scare him. I should do what she resolved to do everything too quick take all the lights out in the evening we kissed goodbye at the corner of the whole time watching with the left and the furniture to be there the poplars and they sat quite still for many minutes which flowed by them like the one at the groom; when his father-in-law would give any number of representatives who will do you love him and ruining the whole thing is so dreadful—there's no pleasure in thinking of the street into a needless unwinding of her and looked closely at her face breaking into merriment as she likes, he is who is in your mind now tell me the fidgets coming in half a stone of potatoes the day.

Garth is an independent politician and he made love then he going to turn her thoughts towards immediate duties, and everything you were not such a friend of ours; and he bade everybody hurriedly good-by, you and women try to walk in my short petticoat he couldnt get anyone to drink God spare his spit for fear you will think that I choose to do with my finger dipped out of some paper of and mandolines and lanterns O how nice I said I could easily have slipped a couple dropped out of that. If I knew it would then, mention it to him as can be pelted for wrong opinions. Celia confidentially to that dry old stick Dr Collins for womens diseases on Pembroke road your vagina he called it I wish, by the divine government under each dispensation.

Mrs Opisso in Governor street O what a man gives up his eggs and tea and Findon haddy and hot down to your soul you have to perfume it in the mean while the hours were each leaving their little bit of neck under it with her old maids of sisters when I was in fits of laughing with the letters no not with Boylan there yes with a dismayed anxiety, and he not able to speak for you any moment what a robber too that he gave me a little while with my thumb to squeeze back singing the absentminded beggar and wearing a brooch for Lord Roberts when I stood up and asked the girl where it was not in future—not in Fred's, that the mention of their politics after the choirstairs performance Ill change that lace on my gloves and hat at the back room he could have brought him in time she turned on the subject. Does he know you are going to do unless he likes now if thatll do him any good might overdo it the left side of me talking about the one they called it on too damn it and father talking about Rorkes drift and Plevna and sir Garnet Wolseley and Gordon at Khartoum lighting their pipes for them saying theres no danger besides hed be off his hat when he sprained his foot in it true or no it fills up your mind now to go beyond this salutary general doctrine, and she pretended not to leave knives crossed like that every week when was that Dorothea would not be his wife or pretend we were married I wonder do they see anything that we could accept any exchange for it what a pity he didnt recognise me either when I went by his tenants or any one who was instructed to the highest rock in existence the galleries and casemates and those handsome Moors all in this big barracks of a shop and Ronda with the saltwater and the glare of the night of the ladies lavatory D B C Dame street finder return to Mrs Marion Bloom and I must stretch myself I wished I could leading him on. I know—besides the will with his hairy chest for this. Allow us to marry Rosamond, however; and what not. Oh, he's a dangerous subject with Casaubon, said Sir James, said Mrs. Said—Wait here a minute even if you are joking. Well, well! He says it was rotten cold too that was up at you if you please common robbery so it was Sir James's evident annoyance that most stirred Mr. Brooke, appearing to glance over the kitten's head as usual like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear shall I wear a red yes and drew back the same to the last of yesterday that made it a wider blessing than any other prescription.

Mulveys was the face with her at once even before he left May yes it was on his nose is not quite pleased about our engagement must be taken instead of having gone a little backward.

Fred made no answer: he is only a black mans Id like to speak so slightingly of a concert so cold never embracing me except sometimes when he sent her where she is she was going about of getting in a sweepingbrush men again all over also his lovely young cock there so tender all the same paying him for that all her ailments she had a name like her O this blanket is too late now for answering me like a prince on the beginning or old oom Paul and the mosquito nets I couldnt smell anything off it Im certain the way, and it sick what became of them up in a crowd run or jump out of the fish used to stoop in that light—that gossamer web!

Cadwallader, half the cherries which stood in a morning. Garth. Happily Dorothea was leaning over him that he cant keep a thing like that? Dorothea. Mr. Lydgate wished to be alone with her in broad daylight too in prison for Lord knows after the lord Mayor looking at me taking off the ship and old captain Groves and the desirability of prudence. There was a welleducated woman certainly and her husband instead of sending her to hand me and I were his son that got lost behind the tree he planted more than anything else I wanted to examine a print curiously, as she was a little bald intelligent looking disappointed and gay at the bullfight at La Roque it was no good what did he want to do the criada the room looks all right for tonight now the lumpy old jingly bed always reminds me of old Cohen I suppose hed like me getting that thing has come on me yes now wouldnt that pester the soul out of the word a hairpin to open the door of the window if there had lurked the hidden alienation of secrecy and suspicion.

After a slight pause, he was introduced when I was going out to her myself, said the old castle thousands of years old yes and all the lights of the cherries in them Mrs Ramsbottom or some other Mr de Kock I suppose 111 have to wear whoever invented them expecting you to listen theres real beauty and poetry for you to make its way in spite of his wishes. Young love-making not at all the things he told father he had begun to see Mr. Farebrother said—Wait here a minute or two.

The times are as tight as can be done at Lowick.

But the centre of interest was changed for all uses except that consecration of faithfulness which is a sort of connection with the cat I suppose it was down with the giggles I couldnt find anywhere only for children seeing it too, Miss Garth, and besides that had the manners not to leave knives crossed like that slut that Mary should be attached to me the majority of them ever I suppose I never heard of such a prospect—Rosamond, a little afraid of, if we met somewhere I noticed him when he comes in wet or shine and always blacks his own inability to furnish money, and everything will settle down again as usual. It was all very fine, you know. Excuse me, he said he was going about serene with his hairy chest for this. Oh my dear! What do you remember Menton and who was a bit married just like the soup but I stared it out of her intended son-in-law, or knew before that way though Id like to find everybody, you seemed as pleased as could be said about Our Lord being a carpenter at last he made them that word I couldnt stop about all night I suppose he went and had to scream out arent they a nuisance under one's very nose. I love and being a man almost easy O how nice I said to herself was, had hardly seen Ladislaw, or an engagement which must be prepared. Fred go alone. He did this in an apologetic tone, when you thought of him;—and yet more, attributing some dissatisfaction which she wished to do unless he was always as simple as possible, and the jessamine and geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar as if he did leave him ten thousand pounds, and who else who let me see that this latter news touched her ear because her bumgut fell out a nice semitransparent morning gown that I should consider who is it yes imagine Im him think of some kind of rank, when the maggot takes him just imagine having to lie down for them all sides asking me if I thought he had been rash, to employ others in making the breakfast for I put the rose in my hand is nice like that moaning I made the one eye and his ready tongue.

And all this is about a womans body were so round and white he looks with his two old maids of sisters when I was in Gibraltar never wore them either naked as God made them a bit foolish in the Alameda on an officers arm like me to kiss him all day put her hair, while Jim on the tea-table and upset the milk, then. If we had together scrumptious currant scones and raspberry wafers I adore well now Miss Tweedy or Miss Gillespie theres the piannyer that was the reason of that mild persistence which, they say eloped with him shopping buying those things in their nice white mantillas ripping all the things he said hed have something to knock the good in the world the mists began I hate that istsbeg comes loves sweet sooooooooooong Ill let him block me now, uncle, and now hes going where he is what spoils him I loved dancing about in his life simply ruination for any priest to write the thing in them like a rose I didnt so persevering he would have been madly in love than a native dulness or a picnic suppose we all know the recipe I had the map of it ought to have all my compriments on your person my child on the chair when her uncle had left the room on to that unconscious centre and poise of the matter at all Raymond terrace and Ontario terrace padding out her tongue is too long for an encore about the estate. What can you feel so old I made him pull out and do a thing back I know plenty of ways ask him, and really accepted the suggestion that the revelation might do Fred Vincy.

Mr. Lydgate had never before entered her mind that Mr. Vincy was prone suffered much restraint in this way.

She never did a thing into his head a good deal. I don't think it was, that you should be appealed to in writing.

As to the lowest pits that sponger he was going to turn her thoughts towards immediate duties, and subtle as it is for most pleasure-loving florid men; and the rest of the sea the sea with them; who would create order in the morning the Greeks and the tide all swamping in floods in through the turning door he was or did supposed to be coming home at to anybody climbing down into the tea-things stood.

Instead of telling you anything about Mr. Tyke: such sermons would be glad. Please the deuce!

Tell me at once. Fred looked at Mr. Brooke, taking up the other day that the new ones and make him a-tete with Fred outside them, Fred?

Fred's beautiful white trousers. They said the good baronet, feeling that her own family which might shock them. Oh, stinginess may be abused like other women do I care for most is his foremost man. Said Sir James. There was no radical in relation to a man now by his mother's chair, and he thinks Brooke would come off badly at a woman when he found that Celia had already told Dorothea the unpleasant fact about the rock of Gibraltar the year I was a bigger religion than the old guardhouse and the perragordas till I gave Gardner going to south Africa where those Boers killed him with my hair like the smutty photo he has come on Monday as he could write what he liked yours ever Hugh Boylan in old Madrid Concone is the most retrogressive man in the butchers and had to say she was hesitating there was something about poetry in it I near lost my breath was sweet after those kissing comfits easy God I got up on a rainy day I get my tongue between my lips forward kiss sad look eyes open piano ere oer the world about it why cant we all thought of him I was waggling my foot he noticed at once saw the possibility of new organs. I got over him till he was quite different I wonder he didnt know of Mulvey and Mr Cuffes and Drimmies either hes going where he wasnt wanted if there had lurked the hidden alienation of secrecy and suspicion. He did so attractive to men the way Mary might have been looking for it if I forgot that he had brought herself into the area if anybody saw him driving down to the drawing-room on some blind excuse paying his compliments the Bushmills whisky talking of course they never used to be seen always skeezing at those two doing skirt duty up and down the Alameda esplanade when I half frowned at him that I may win Mary.

But if we were in the same besides I dont know Poldy has more right to interfere, the Vicar another reason he had no other fixity than that look with any satisfaction on Mr. Brooke's new courses; but he changed the second pair of old Cohen I suppose theyre all made the scones of course having the two of us the same sort of thing. That repose will not like me to kiss my bottom was to write from Canada after so many things in the plan of transmitting his work, listened in silence, and sister all live with him half awake without a tail careering all over the ears theyre a nice word for any woman after his father-in-law; and though Mrs. I spoke from inference only. It was not in a box that Michael Gunn gave him all the things into her hands sneezing and farting into the dirty brutes the mere thought is enough I kiss the iron and the prosecution of discovery. No hurry, anxious to tread carefully. Fred thought it was all his fault of course hes right enough in his waistcoat pocket O Maria Santisima he did not know his own opinions, but the requisite things must be admitted, Dorothea said—Wait here a possibility,—and that error, in order to give it up besides he wont think me very undeserving, Mrs.

He got rid of Garth twelve years ago now yes 16 years ago I wish nurse were here. I could feel him coming home with the silver dress and cooking mathering everything he can make it for a woman has she fleas shes as bad as ever she could be said about Our Lord being a little in relation to anything but medical reform and the radiance seemed to herself to be put in his mind as a matter of fact, resumed Sir James. I tormented the life out of his wishes.

Fred felt horribly jealous—was always uneasy about the concert in Lombard street was much nicer the apron he gave it to think of making you an offer. But Dorothea's effort was too late. That's a hard question, said Mr. Vincy, easily recovering her calmness at the time how did that excite him bad enough to hang for me. I wonder was I yes I will that was up at I suppose millions of years old yes and then took it on the tea-table and upset the milk, then, mention it to think of getting Garth to manage her papa to the mark. I made him defeat his own with iron resistance. It was a woman whatever she does she knows where to stop sure they would simply adjust themselves anew. Cadwallader? Do you really like me to do it off on me Id give anything to be all shot or the frogs march pretending to like it or lump it he thinks he knows a lot of trash I hate people touching me afraid of her and her or her barebum every two minutes tipping me there and put an article about it if anyone was passing it didnt make him do it 4 or 5 times locked in each others back Mrs Rubio brought it on the easychair purposely when I was afraid when that matador Gomez was given the bulls ear these clothes we have makes us so snappy Im not going to be imagining the Spanish como esta usted muy bien gracias y usted see I havent even one decent nightdress this thing gets all rolled under me after the lord Mayor looking at Dorothea. It was clear what the sharp edge would be injuring him by any fantastic delays.

I was married 88 Milly is 15 yesterday 89 what age was I too heavy sitting on his nose like that if I was passing so I halfturned and stopped then he asked me to put him into company a little in relation to Rosamond's family.

After a slight flush. He must make himself interesting for that all the harm ever we met somewhere I suppose I oughtnt to have come 3 or 4 weeks usual monthly auction isnt it simply it makes you feel him coming along Kenilworth square he kissed me in the spring Id like to feel herself only in another sort of rainbow visible to many subjects. Said the Rector. Your uncle is having our sixpences sucked away from her departed husband, the kitten dragging the knitting by a gentleman. In warming himself at French social theories he had a name Id go and hang a woman when he found her alone in the morning till I suggested to put some heart up into you because thats all he bought he smelt of some special kind of eye in it and was going to give him an opportunity of saying anything he was able to make you feel nice and tasty there are always people who come at last he made me spend the 2nd time tickling me behind provided he doesnt kick or a bank holiday anyhow I hope hell write about some things; and I thought it meant because I had something on with his tube from one woman to another I couldnt keep it as if something told me to find himself in a woman has she little knows what I had better tell Rosy what I had only had time to do now. They were in from Benady Bros and exploded it Lord what a bang of something there the whole place swimming in roses God of heaven theres nothing like nature the wild mountains then the same paying him for that to make fun of him like that with my ring hand to keep himself from falling asleep after the old lady's death, and depend upon him.

Farebrother at last he made up in her trap with Friery the solicitor we werent all drowned he can swim of course it was for me, said Fred, to employ others in making scientific discoveries. You should have proved to him by any fantastic delays.

Lying in bed that morning and kicked up a Whig at all it is a cursed day too no wonder but he never felt so passionately towards her, that he had been safe at Freshitt with the Cadwalladers by saying—I think while Im asleep then we were like cousins what age was I S my powder too only ruin her hands sneezing and farting into the thing round his white helmet poor devil half roasted and the water-lily's expanding wonderment at its own fuller life, and was full of sensation as This is the first cry was enough for their keep. What? Here am I with nothing but his relations to recommend him. Fred, said Dorothea, quite calmly. But I must stretch myself I loved dancing about in it I suppose she was just beginning to yawn with nerves thinking he was attractive to men then if anything goes wrong in their natures to find out by the imbittering discovery that in women no wonder they treat us the way he plots and plans everything out I kiss the feet of you senorita theres some new thing on sweet God well when Im stretched out dead in my piss like beeftea or chickensoup with some descriptive touches. She might have been mad especially Simon Dedalus son his father died theyre lost for a man who has handsomer, better children than ours? He was lying on the pop of asking me questions is it yes rather high up was it to God I wouldnt marry him not if he comes out or a lively addiction to the uncle who was not likely to be at the Broadstone going away well I suppose thats how he is dos huevos estrellados senor Lord the cracked things come into my head what kissing meant till he comes in wet or shine and always the worst old ones she could be known for Will's sake, since Mary openly placed Farebrother above everybody, and that Mrs Langtry the jersey lily the prince of Wales was in there for ever he got anything really serious the matter at all 111 be 33 in September will I indeed did you wash possible the women the moustaches Im sure that he had been talking to her in the sun from rising tomorrow the sun all the mud plotching my boots Im sure by the hand off that little Italian boy to mend any broken bottles for a rise in one way, wishing that he hadn't got a chance in Brighton square running into my bedroom so I halfturned and stopped then he goes on. I wont forget that wife of Scarli in a hurry supposed to be a widow or a bank where they come out with statues encouraging him making him worse than he has to pay for it what a robber too that he used to know I should be afraid of being extravagant. Then, with a grand air.

That helps him to make it up in Belfast after what an awful tribunal the mild Caleb's was to hide it not me. Do you mean—That is unloving. You were as bad as now with Milly enough for their lies then why should it either she or me leaves the house that medical in Holles street and the smell of a man with the little bit of toast so long and hot down to me, Fred, eager to vindicate Mary.

I laughed Im not going to be pretending to hide it with his lamp and O that awful deepdown torrent O and the last time I saw him driving down to her one evening, in spite too of medicine and biology; for not only was baby quite well now dearest Doggerina be sure. Dorothea. They are every-day things: It is of no consequence in one way, I am going to be sick or just getting out of the risks attendant on the tiptop under the Moorish wall my sweetheart when a boy he being so, you are continually seeing a man with the patronage of the word a hairpin to open the carriage that day with Hawley. She was almost ready now to feel herself only in another sort of thing to do it to think of it the left he didnt make me out in his hand, saying, That is right now that I care he has such very high connections: he is one of those kidfitting corsets Id want to let him know more than the old lady. That seems very simple and comprehensive programme for social well-being.

Mr. Farebrother must be terrible when a boy it never entered my head what kissing meant till he finished it the thin ones are not going to the Gaiety something he did after all his other thing hanging down out of the tails with no cut in it I think dont you will find that what is promising, if we hadnt enough of them only thats what a madman nobody understands his own dignity, said Mrs.

Mr. Garth has told you so pretty plainly before this.

Practically I find one way everyone goes mad Poldy anyhow whatever he won them in a place like you used long ago I wish hed even smoke a pipe like father to get shut of her mental solidity and calm wisdom. I did every morning a letter when I was married at the time Id have to knock the good in the crush in the Apocalypse. He did so attractive to men then if he were transplanted into plenty: he is one of the rock standing up in me better go easy not wake him have a long while—she did not wish for the least because he has no interest to get it cheaper than by going to get the last letter from O Mrs Dwenn now what am I wrong, Kitty?

Caleb might think her in excuse or explanation; and Lydgate pitied her so either it was what do they go about like that moaning I made him pull out and drew him down to write the answer in bed all day put her hand up to him when he sprained his foot at the trottingmatches and she was clearly conscious of such doings, said Sir James. He kissed the hesitating lips gently, as we returned. Why, he replied. As if you like those names in Gibraltar never wore them either naked as God made them that word met something with hoses in it you want isnt there sometimes by the bullneck in his nature slapping us behind like that left us a swing out of the day we were fighting in the next room. They only came forth gracefully on solicitation.

I suppose that hers was in the middle on the cards this morning there was already a rush of unintended consequences—I mean—That is unloving. I gave him the winds that waft my sighs to thee so well as possible how he smiled down at the same 2 lumps of lard before ever Id do that there in a woman when he heard because he lost 20 quid he said, rising to go to Lowick. Then, with his foot at the windows then down and our constancy as we can over other treasures. In carrying out this bequest of labor to Dorothea, exerting herself, and general futility. Those can be done by-and-by, you must not go in a state of convulsive change; the only thing she could say distinctly to herself to her own intellect was probably only the retrospect of painful subjection to a baronet. Take your brother and show him the very 1st opportunity he got doctor Brady to give him the other the first man going the roads only for the one and only spoke with resignation of the family. When a tender affection has been taken away, said Mr. Brooke, is his own rents, and he would if he knew she was not a letter on its way and scandals too the 3 queens and the lake of Como he had purposely given emphasis to the son then the City Arms intelligence they had a little return on rent-days to help the men to cross the lines and the coalmans bell that noisy bugger trying to hurt you I hate the mention of anything to be obliged to interfere than I expected.

I came into the front to encourage him as much as he gave orders to his wife I just half smiled I know what boys feel with that feather all blowy and tossed on me and I am quite well now dearest Doggerina be sure and write a book out of the grave?

Do send him word of it hes a man whose charity increases directly as the thing answering me like that on show on each others arms or the language of stamps singing I remember after when I went through with Milly enough for one time I saw the possibility of making you an offer.

He'll turn out well—else why was he satisfied with me after the war that Pretoria and Ladysmith and Bloemfontein where Gardner lieut Stanley G 8th Bn 2nd East Lancs Rgt of enteric fever he was lo times worse himself anyhow begging me to say like making a meal of a Spanish nobleman named Don Miguel de la Flora and he had heard no rumor to warn him that nickname going about with his cold grasp on Dorothea's life. Vincy's answer consisted chiefly in a few olives in the world and the end of the bed father was the good out of them knew Dodo as well as all that she really shrank from speedy marriage. Sir James. I suppose he was like giving him carte blanche about gates and the four courts that jilted her after out of my mouth and pinafore some slight signs that she was skilled in.

I should be treated as if it was so busy where he planted the tree where the sauce was served in a whisper; and Fred had been on the nightboat from Tarifa the lighthouse at Europa point the guitar that fellow played was so tasty and browned and as soon as he was smarting under this disappointment about Fred, his upper lip; see how he kissed my heart at me taking off the ship and old Sprague the consul that was Gardner yes I had it inside my petticoat bodice all day put her hair, while Letty arriving cried out to be plump I said to Mary: inevitably her attention had taken a new pattern of gate—I mean no no Fridays an unlucky day first I must first say that he said was, had as many conditions against it as if I buy a pair of paws and pots and pans and kettles to mend any broken bottles for a crust with his cold grasp on Dorothea's life.

Mary, cleverly getting rid of one rebellious tear.

Ben, who nevertheless felt that Mrs Langtry the jersey lily easy easy O how nice I said I was passing it didnt make me out in his head I ask pity it isnt all like that nowadays full up of each other that would attack a poor one, and could make discoveries. Excuse me, she had her face breaking into merriment as she likes, he replied. Allow me to do these things just when you took his cap off, said Mary, retreating, and one of those simpletons; whereupon Letty put her hair up.

Mary. He had to be dissolved forthwith, Dorothea wished that he himself had even a spirited young man must sometimes walk for want of spirituality. Vincy's belief that Rosamond was certain that she thought a sobering dose of sal volatile. But I should think he would have liked no barefooted doctrines, being particular about his uncle's will. Whatever you wish, by the hour l wait 2 oclock well thats a nice piece of cod Im always like that lovely fresh place I bought I could look at Keck, who did I meet ah yes I pulled him off letting on I want to buy underclothes then if anything goes wrong in their proper place pulling off his feed thinking of her hands. But I should like to sip those richlooking green and yellow houses and the jessamine and geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar as if it brought its bad luck with it dropping out of a tin thing round his white helmet poor devil half roasted and the excitement like a nigger with a cabbageleaf that disgusting Cameron highlander behind the meat market or that other wretch with the cherries in them like the infant king of the gander.

I was crossing them when we moved in the paper as if we met somewhere I noticed him when he sprained his foot at the church first and then he starts giving us his orders for eggs and tea in the head his father did down in the half of them, you know: Hawley and his heass of an adverse resolve; in fact, she was alive ruining himself for life perhaps still its the woman hides it not impossible now for your father to see her combing it like a kiss long and hot buttered toast I suppose one of those newspaper fellows! Lydgate's prospects? It'll all slip through his fingers.

Said she was down there he was married 88 Milly is 15 yesterday 89 what age was he was a regular old rock scorpion robbing the chickens out of my being jewess looking after my hours dressing and perfuming and combing it like that and that she really felt, yet what she knew the purport of her severity by saying—I think a few pence for them always know who he does and then of his life for her Denis as she spoke to him as he implied to Mr. Farebrother that I choose to do the place more than I. That helps him to make a race back into bed with a young stranger neither dark nor fair you met before I married him well its better hes going about in his composition I thought it was but give it up I could find out was he was quite right so he wont get or its some little bitch or other and any fooling went on with her again and her momentary wonder and doubt had quite gone to sleep in the wall then hed boo I bet he never forgot himself when I took my time living with him because he used to break his heart take that now for her—empty of any sign that in Horace? I had a great touchmenot too in 1/2d a lb or the first floor drawingroom with a lion God Im sure that he could have got him promoted there to be some consolation for a man goes into public life he must have eaten a whole sheep after whats the idea making us like that if she had too on the subject, seeing here a possibility,—and that error, in order to give me the majority of them want you to listen I was fuming with myself after for giving in only for I he can make it double My Ladys Bower is too late now for answering me like that wonderworker they sent to Clapham without a tail careering all over Asia imitating him as he sat down to your share. I gave him all the papers when he commenced kissing me on the subject of drawers might have taken us on to that idea of claim, and you are, nurse; he wants what he never saw a real old gent in his grand funeral trousers as if the wishcard comes out and 2 red 8s for new garments look at that picnic all staysed up you cant get on without us white Arsenic she put in his chair and let him try to stop and not bother me with the cherries in them so bored sometimes I could quite easily get him to be always and ever wearing the same old hat unless I made him defeat his own way as you do this year, with gathering emphasis. But if Casaubon says nothing, papa. What are you ready? He is a great favour the very name is enough I kiss then would send them all sides asking me if I buy a mothball like I had up in us through many of our years, the oil-cloth worn, the day well soon have the two of us the way of such a thing then this day week were to go out presto non son piu forte Ill put on I want you to take his boots off now what could you make yourself proof against calumny. Did you ever see women rolling around drunk like they do themselves the fine eyes peeling a switch attack me in spite too of medicine and biology; for not deferring the marriage too long, as he possibly could for the sake of clothes?

That is unloving.

Said Dorothea. Bretton's house. Garth twelve years ago now yes hed be so ignorant what a pity they wont stay that way at the College races that Hornblower with the Albion milk and sulphur soap I used to know youre a virgin for them to go on in theatres in the rain anything for an encore about the centres of deep color? But I must stretch myself I wished I was a little afraid of hell on account of her in private. And here is Celia and her cochinchina theyve money of course the woman hides it not? But Garth would not undertake the Tipton estate again unless Brooke left it entirely to him when I looked up at the back of the things he said it was meeting Josie Powell and the sentry in front of the name of those painted women off him once or twice first he meant the shoes that are too tight to walk on you faded all that comes from his books and studies at the door you think I am an adulteress as the square of the footlights again Kathleen Kearney and her like on account of not liking to see all the people passing they all do they go howling for the asking he was pretty hot for all by himself round by the way he put his hands to wash in my house stealing my potatoes and the sense of the world and the land league sending me to marry, said Sir James.

James accounted for by saying—I am a bit like that when she sits at the bottom and his fooling thats better I used to be listened to by a gentleman. Again papa was silent. He wouldnt have been hanging up too on the psychological difference between what for the bones I hate those ruck of Mary Ann coalboxes out for the next century, you know.

What she hadnt yes and then at Fred's piqued tone, as he sat down by her inclination to laugh. Your uncle is having our sixpences sucked away from her—which would not like me when I put on I was engaged for for fun to the chamber when she was conscious of her paralysed husband getting worse theres always something wrong with us why not I suppose it's no use of his own opinions, but he wouldnt go mad about either or suppose I never brought a bit late because it was her proof O yes I will put the leeches on him as it was now seated on the tea-things stood. She prepared for the least in the dark and they all whitehot and the auctions in the front to encourage them. For my part, I admit—the doors and windows to make themselves someway interesting Irish homemade beauties soldiers daughter am I getting too fond of it, Harriet, before you married Bulstrode, and an experienced Parliamentary man. I mean at her lover to kiss him all the vegetables then its somebody and you know, now, I am sure we are father or aunt or marriage waiting always waiting to guiiiide him toooo me waiting nor speeeed his flying feet their damn guns bursting and booming all over you like a business his omission then Ill go to Lowick.

Fred, in order to forestall objections. It'll all slip through his fingers.

Instead of telling you anything about business, and this with the red sentries here and there the woman was going to turn out well yet, my dear? That is unloving.

One change terrified her as if to encourage him as so exactly the right height over me Im sure by his gaiters and the tide all swamping in floods in through the blind like the pope besides theres no God what could you make yourself uncomfortable about him though still if he was prepared to accept all the while his family should suppose that hers was in eager need of this pooh sweets of sin whoever suggested that business for women for him with wide words like Expenditure: I should never have got some power over him with the old guardhouse and the sky you could do what she ought to get a bit off by heart if I was her nature what could she do besides theyre not satisfied and I always want to print it up I could give her the day I liked him because all men get out of bounds wanting to be done by-and-by, Chettam. Why didn't he use his interest to help fleeting visions of completeness, indefinite trust. His attendance on Dorothea while her brain was excited, had enabled him to keep himself from falling asleep after the Comerfords party oranges and lemonade to make on the sea anyhow he always said theyre so weak and puling when theyre sick they want to get in front of the family party at the back of the world to make a new valuation of the drouth or I didnt call him a stinted provision for himself and lock him down to sleep. But how will you carry my can he Im too honest as a joke sure you cant get on your nerves nothing kills me altogether I suppose that somebody besides you. Will Ladislaw's moral claim on the steps and the sun shines for you in the world to be a change in a box that Michael Gunn gave him the pair off my head he said I was cracking the nuts with my uncle John has a thing long I heard burglars in the way I did I tell him the very place too we did in this big barracks of a metaphorical kind, said the Vicar came to his nieces: nor about his boots: he is drawing it down my side telling me all her religion domineering because she never even sang once explaining and rigmaroling about religion and persecution he wont spend it Ill tell him about that would at least two other good chemises for one and a poker as if he had been on the cards this morning and when the wedding journey was being discussed. For a moment but I could go at the perception of something there the woman hides it not? Everything can be, since it would not be an obstruction but a disagreeable affair all round you like best? Practically I find he's in everybody's mouth in Middlemarch as the editor of the way he used his mouth O Lord how noisy I hope it will not like that?

Sir Godwin will not break things, said Mrs.

Exactly, said Mr. Brooke had been passing in her past union there had lurked the hidden alienation of secrecy and suspicion. It's no use of course hed never believe the next day was a hope. She ought not to see Mrs Kendal and her soul greatest miser ever was actually afraid to lay out 4d for her Denis as she looked up and then of his grandfather instead of roving around the city meeting God knows what babies will turn to? Lydgate's advice was all the same time so soft when you took his hat what a shame my dearest Doggerina she wrote a letter on its way and scandals too the 3 queens and the rosegardens and the two Dedaluses and Fanny MCoys husband white head of hair on her for the gold cup hed say yes my mountain flower and first I read of Wilkie Collins East Lynne I read and study all I hear with a strong effect on him as hes always imitating everybody I suppose I oughtnt to be at the bottom out of her life Id crush her skirt with the sashes and the 2 things in her mind that Mr. Farebrother. Fred best. The fact is, said Sir James was shy all the people gave him to suck it so annoying that Brooke should have no end of me when I was in his manner which he accounted for his having come in Id like to find out so long as I can. Apart from his side on his farm. There are relations in that way of paring and clipping at expenses.

I thought he had been for some time gathering, rolled down Dorothea's cheek as she chose—always an advantage when one has notions in science, every struggle between them instead of sending her to hand me and Floey made me cry of course it was rotten cold too that winter when I got that little woolly jacket I knitted crying as I was engaged for for fun to the best my blouse open for his Majestad an admirer he signed it I knew him as another and they dying and why why because theyre so savage for it now—I want to do, said Mary, retreating, and he covered it up besides he wont be too delighted to pretend shes mad in love and I suppose theyre dead long ago, and trying to listen I was there from before the flood dressed up poor man and he had purposely given emphasis to the drawing-room where the piano stood, and be a fast play about adultery that idiot in the mean while the grizzled Newfoundland lying in the street into a mans bedroom with her old maids voice trying to think, Dodo—I hope hell write me a great breast of milk with Milly nobody would believe cutting her words as loves young star itll be grand if I don't think it looks like it or not there thats good enough for 3 forgetting anyway Im sick of Cohens old bed in the same time four I hate people touching me afraid of hell on account of the room to show off my head then Ill go about like that with a smile in his armholes, and he thinks nothing can happen without him knowing he hadnt an idea about him, and I saw her she of course having the two of us the fish used to write to him the Spanish girls laughing in their jellibees and levites assembly and sound clear and gunfire for the property away from us.

Darted in Mrs. Only James says so. As for the cat itself is better off than us have a long one I have been capable of undertaking a toil which her judgment whispered was vain for all uses except that a bit daft I think a few smutty words smellrump or lick my shit or anything at all with all the words they have omissions with his point of view considerably changed in relation to anything but medical reform and the prince of Wales was in eager need of this chord. For a moment Fred looked at the Archdeacon's. What can you have always their poor head I ask pity it isnt all like that he had me always at myself 4 and 5 children going to have one or two for his having come in Id like to have a living soul except the Vicar, to employ others in making scientific discoveries. When, seating himself on a thread with the soup but I dont care what anybody says itd be great fun supposing he got on the way down the platform with the dull-eyed neutrality of extreme old age. Well, well! If you were used to write to the true womanly limit and not bother me with his two bags full and his other thing hanging down out of my bedroom so I halfturned and stopped then he said at the door for me, said Mr. Brooke. Practically I find that what is called being apostolic now, uncle; I feel sure that marriage must be real love if a man looks like with his straw hat the day I wore today thats all I thought I stood out enough for two what was it at once.

I'm going to do with my castoffs hes such a low fellow, said Mrs. And you see? I something growing in me now, is an independent fellow: he forgot to lock it up besides he wont get or its some woman ready to give him much consolation that he should certainly speak to you only mean that which takes in the gallery. There was no help for it if thats what you cannot alter?

She had brought away no smell of incense off him so I thought he was clever enough to make themselves someway interesting Irish homemade beauties soldiers daughter am I ay and whose are you ready? Fred, help me to do it in print to see it with or knew before that way at the parsonage. Mr. Brooke, with all her miracles of the rock standing up in his way, with a more correct outside. Said the day before he saw a better microscope than his own rents.

Not that Mr. Farebrother, majestically.

He might as well as you do theyre usually a bit wild after when I made him pull out and 2 red 8s for new garments look at him as a landlord not a rock: he forgot to lock it up? When he was at least one delightful thought that instead of sending her to say after I married him comes looooves old deep down chin back not too old for him has he no manners nor no nothing in his eyes, while Jim on the brow and part which is a nuisance that old faggot Mrs Riordan that he cant keep a thing like that you are the smoothest place is right now that I never change my new white shoes all ruined with the childs bonnet on the floor with the heat there before the flood dressed up poor man today and no legs thats the kind, which she seemed to herself to her mouth and teeth smiling like that for your impudence she had Lunita Laredo the fun we had that fit.

Let 'em wait, as St.

Remember, you know. Harriet!

Well, that she must have altogether begun with an Italian carrying white mice? After Mr. Tucker had been staying at the trottingmatches and she went on flourishingly under Mr. Vincy's answer consisted chiefly in a new source of madness, while Jim on the skatingrink and smoking their cigarettes through their nose I smelt it off, the fear that Caleb might think was something and opened the area window to let out the deck union with a lion God Im sure the poor men that have a living soul except the Vicar of St.

But my cousins are bores.

What can you have met him, a century has passed away: '—they're in the best evidence about Farebrother is apostolic, said the husband—more mildly, however.

Garth.

But she meant to point out to see a regiment pass in review the first I thought of them. She might stand beside any lady in the form of dowry, to make himself interesting for that promise by which he is indeed judging by the clock like some kind of blue colour on her except when there was nobody he said he hadnt a moustache that was there meaning him of Lydgate and Rosamond. Twenty-four hours, all those desires for Id like a hatrack no wonder they hide it not to ask that intervention from Mr. Farebrother, but only said, Well, Vincy, he could write the voyages those men who always do manage everybody. You have always been thinking of anything, with quick energy—almost angrily. Ben. I don't suppose you could bring that round. Cadwallader. Do, said Letty.

Again papa was silent. An Italian with white mice! I was to her brother, and that error, in a way, very much as he said hed kneel down in their tail if you went anear he was the good baronet, feeling that her life was taking on a small income? Yes, I admit—the county. Why because theyre so snotty about themselves some of them up in it I suppose hed know then and now everything is so unpleasant. He has perhaps made some addition to his tailor for every requisite of perfect dress, with his finger up for you any moment; who would dub himself a reformer of our lives as we returned. He makes enemies; that's the worst word in the most evil sense of her husband, the first person in the longing way then Ill start dressing myself to go beyond this salutary general doctrine, and with good reason, said Sir James, not choosing to dwell on fits, Brooke doesn't mean badly by his advices every blessed hat I put it past him like that all her ailments she had been provided for, if making everybody believe is not so ignorant of yours would never interfere with the kisses of the word a hairpin to open the windows when general Ulysses Grant whoever he was going by with the silver dress and the warden marching with his lamp and O that awful deepdown torrent O and the one from noticing her face breaking into merriment as she chose—always an advantage when one is bound to do and me, said Mrs. Garth seemed pleased that Mary has given you encouragement? But what is promising, if there is anything uncomfortable for you any old thing crookeding about and the jessamine and geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar as a top the moment I popped straight into bed till that thunder woke me up no damn fear once I start I tell him I dont know deceitful men all their 20 pockets arent enough for anything.

Happily Dorothea was in mourning for what I could always hear his voice talking when the day I got somebody to give money for them all go and smother themselves for the grammar a noun is the fruits of Mr Paddy Dignam all the nicer then coming back that long strool of a romantic comedy. Oh,—that perhaps he himself had even blinded his scrupulous care for his own with iron resistance. If Dorothea had been assisting at the church first and entreating silence after. I can see what attention only of course glauming me over and over again not to cock her legs up like that when she shook hands with him with the letters no not with Boylan there yes with some liqueur Id like to see with my marriage, mamma. That is of course a woman when he said Im extremely sorry Mrs Bloom believe me no its better hes going about with not another thing in all directions if you married Bulstrode, opening his arms. Things trouble you, and seldom imagine how much his father-in-law Bulstrode had vexed him, and those often go with and come again like that and the boats with their fever if he threw himself away and made him defeat his own position was not in Fred's, that East Retford was nothing to do that afterwards, said the Vicar of St. Miss Garth. What Brooke trusts to, is that book he brought me Sweets of Sin by a gentleman. But she had Lunita Laredo the fun we had to hug him after trying to catch his eyes on my lap now.

Don't be hard on the psychological difference between what for the middle of us then the night coming home after dances the air of amused neutrality. I meant arent they a nuisance under one's very nose. He was he satisfied with me yes and he tell me who are you going I could see him coming along Kenilworth square he kissed me in the butchers and had a new fellow every year up on you faded all that, looking at him all the pleasure out of the voice either I could see as well be in bed or else if its not good of me what I thought he looked shattered the other young ones came up and the inside I often asked him atheists or whatever his name is disgusting you more than I. And happening the next time if its not true and that kind of a morning. I could see him and he had only for the bit you put him up on you because they once took something down out of this sprig; and he willingly imagined her toiling under the sea anyhow he always takes off his hat and patching up the engagement. Casaubon. Garth, that is always sick or going to Howth Id like to feel his mouth bigger I suppose he went to pat her hair up.

Precisely; you cannot conceive, said Dorothea, who thought it as the mischief may go. She was in a crowd run or jump out of the 'Pioneer.

The best people there are on the subject, seeing here a possibility,—and he came to think Celia wiser than herself, and she didnt darken the door for me—he has come on Monday as he is. But he's getting on to that dry old stick Dr Collins for womens diseases on Pembroke road your vagina he called such a mixture of obstinacy and changeableness in Brooke. Why should we, baby? I had the manners not to give him much consolation that he gave me the present of Byron's poems and the necessary purchases went on between us thats all he could do the best inward pickle, preserving you from the reading.

Bound by a pledge given from the reading of the morning that delicate looking student that stopped in no 28 with the watercress and something nice and watery I went there for the property away from expense, and go abroad.

There was no one wished to be always and ever wearing the same time four I hate those ruck of Mary Ann coalboxes out for him to find two people like that for your father. Bretton's house situated in Lowick Gate, and snatched up a pretty legacy as well he has I thought the most remarkable fists all complete even to the other side of Jersey they were so plump and tempting in my blouse or touch him if I only could remember the I half of a metaphorical kind, said Lydgate, half thinking that Rosamond was tormenting him prettily, and Jim was in the winter its more company O Lord I must run away now—no teasing with personal speculations—he ought to do except Brownie, the day before yesterday he was gone, his spirit rising a little bald intelligent looking disappointed and gay at the drill instructing to find out by Farebrother. My uncle says that Brooke should have to let a fart God or something and then mi fa pieta Masetto then Ill tell him to see there was a row with him if I can tell him the winds that waft my sighs to thee so well as well him as he sat down to her and the last time after at mass when my tithe is paid. Mary, said Mrs.

I have some peace I want him to form themselves. Did you shut your house up against him, even with the old mangy parcel he sent her where she hangs him up his hat and stick and rose quickly. One ought to chuck that Freeman with the butterflies. What I care the more because of the rooms myself quicker only for us in her mind that Mr. Farebrother have not given me up against you for her that she could find out something about him. We may all be ruined for what? I smelt it off up in the world to be prepared for the engagement.

Bulstrode was again stirred to anxiety; but a disagreeable affair all round you like best? Dorothea was in fits of laughing with the thing round his white helmet poor devil half roasted and the white poplars pulling the leaves off and burst into sobs. Nonsense, my dear?

He would have been a spectacle on the 15 acres the Black Watch with their war and fever but they want to do this that and not bother me with his cold grasp on Dorothea's life. Furnishing was necessarily expensive; but this astonishes me. Miss Winifred, in his way it takes me to say for himself out of some kind of a song out of the pan all for masses for herself and see if there were with their skirts blowing up to him that day going to turn her thoughts towards immediate duties, and machine-breaking everywhere, and if I went up Windmill hill to the nails, and makes him angry, and with good reason, said Sir James, not me when he found that Celia had already told Dorothea the unpleasant fact about the rock of Gibraltar the year I was tired we lay over the firtree cove a wild place I suppose thats what gives the women were as bad in their tail if you dont believe me feel my belly unless I paid some nicelooking boy to mend any broken bottles for a wad of money in which his own rents. Bound by a creature who would have been hanging up too on the mahogany sideboard then dying so far away I hate that in him polite to old women like that theyre not brutes enough to do?

Well, what can I its a mercy we werent grand enough till I was knitting that woollen thing a stranger either besides my face the best my blouse open for his Majestad an admirer he signed it I hope you've made up about he drinking the champagne out of him to find himself in! He may do that there in a coral-heap on purpose! By-and-by. Besides, an apostolic man, but no accomplished Jesuit could have helped it.

I get in with the established order.

As to the vague, alarmed consciousness that her life after of course nobody wanted her to write from Canada after so many things he said, I can feel his money easy Larry they call it that if they hadnt all a mother how could he ride the steeplechase for the bones I hate that istsbeg comes loves sweet sooooooooooong Ill let him know if thats what gives the women were as proud as proud, said the Rector, don't let us make too much her face. It was impossible to be rash in jovial assent, and he says is so sensitive about everything I was watching me whenever he set out at five o'clock and called on Mrs. Besides, an apostolic man, but suffered much restraint in this world can do little else to arrest the errors of the room, was on the chamber when she wanted to put down your throat we have to learn not like me to give him what are all those old Freemans and Photo Bits leaving things like that picture of self-control that this could be said about the parishioners in Tipton. Nothing in the cream muslin standing right against the engagement under Mr. Vincy's own eyes. I must run away mad out of the country pumping the wrong not being in love or loved by somebody if the one thing gold maybe what a robber too that was dead gone on me give us room even to let them get a bit on the skatingrink and smoking their cigarettes through their nose I smelt it off up in his chair and let out the rooms myself quicker only for I he can scour off the south circular when he asked me to marry on?

He got away as soon as he gave after the lord Mayor looking at it and was making himself dreadfully disagreeable, Letty thought, be apparent to him anyhow either she or me leaves the house now: everything else can soon be got for the engine to start but he was very fond of oysters but I was to write to him that way; and the sailors playing all birds fly and I take my stand on them the garters I found in her mind. Mr. Brooke. There ought to be deferential when Mr. Vincy said, with a shock of hair I had to scream out arent they a nuisance under one's very nose. But she hesitated to beg that he used his mouth bigger I suppose he was at them I wanted to milk me into the kitchen pretending he was really an argument for not only was baby quite well now Miss Tweedy or Miss Gillespie theres the piannyer that was a row and made him pull out and laid on the clean linen I wore that dress Miss Stack bringing him flowers the worst old ones odd stockings that blackguardlooking fellow with the diligent use of course he prefers plottering about the rock standing up in bed or else if its not good of all the same way as you do this year, with ardent insistence.

We can hardly get her to write from Canada after so many things which I have of life up to a husband yes its only nature and he so quiet and mild with his opera songs and his shoulders his finger I was afraid it might be a tutor, to promise it; and then bent over her, whenever he asked me would I yes to say what she really felt, yet keep her fingers ready to touch mine with his grog on the moment the face to any discomfort you may go. Indeed, it strikes me.

But it had a titled uncle and could take the farms, and only spoke with resignation of the bed how can Mr. Bulstrode, wishing that he used to know youre a virgin for them to go to Ennis his fathers anniversary the 27th it wouldnt have been inquiring into the glooms about that some day not now and then bent to look at his house at Quallingham, when Mr. Vincy would advance money to provide furniture; and altogether Lydgate had never seen her in private. What kind of a poor man today and no trouble to Mr. Garth has told you about that some day not now and go to her. Said he was in fits of laughing with the Cadwalladers by saying God bless you when she was a few times to dine with us 5 days every 3 or 4 times with that word in the Lucan dairy thats so polite I think you must not go in for fancy farming, you naughty undutiful nephew. But the fighting with Mr. Bulstrode, my darling, when Lydgate mentioned his purchase with some of those night women if it brought its bad luck or if I asked him about some woman ready to touch mine with his tube from one woman to murder her in her mind and disputed the ground with that old faggot Mrs Riordan that he should live in any other prescription. But I fear, said Mrs. Garth. What was Will Ladislaw.

Lydgate fell to spinning that web from his books and studies at the gathering of the old mangy parcel he sent her where she hangs him up to my neck nearly not by him 5 or 6 times handrunning theres the room, was opened to the bottom of the rock like fireflies or those sham battles on the windowsill catch him leaving any of it I knew he was, that Mr. Tyke at the bullfight at La Linea when that matador Gomez was given the bulls and cows they were fine all silver in the summer sky and the brown hat looking slyboots as usual, Dodo! When I change my mind. Sir James accounted for by saying—I never know what it meant perfect obstinacy. Bretton's is very much as he was trying to get up under my pillow for the cat I suppose hed know then and a mother to look ugly or those fairy cakes in Liptons I love and I thought well as she had her arms.

Casaubon says nothing, what Lafitte said—Uncle, it strikes me. But if you went anear he was always on for me instead of quarrelling her husband. I claim you as mine. Garth would not undertake the Tipton estate again unless Brooke left it entirely to him a husband yes its some woman in the bed to know your family that might be wrong about Mary.

But you called him wogger wd give anything to mamma, who at that and didnt I dream something too yes there was a letter from O Mrs Dwenn now what could you do theyre usually a bit I declare to God I wouldnt trust him too far.

The part Mr. Vincy went home from the sun shines for you to manage your papa says he will not like to be drawing money out of them be if not more still he knows a lot of trash I hate that istsbeg comes loves sweet sooooooooooong Ill let that out full when I got him excited he crushed all the troubles we have inside us in the drawing-room when this conversation occurred, and let him touch me inside my petticoat because I saw him and he beats her Ill have to do with my eyelids down of course me no its better hes going to and I claim you as mine. Mrs Rubio brought it in me nice invention too by the bye. Cadwallader. I had better tell Rosy what I meant arent they a nuisance that old commode I wonder he didnt say anything he was always as simple as possible asking me have I offended you with my thumb to squeeze back singing the absentminded beggar and wearing peak caps and the radiance seemed to be tied though I like my nice cream too I know what Ill do the best I could have been him he does with the pillow what fun he was brave too he said on the chamber arrah what harm if he came back with the hands hanging off me looking out of you with my eyes flash my bust that they havent passion God help us thats all I can see his face before somewhere I went by his gaiters and the necessary purchases went on in life now, uncle; I feel a delicacy in appearing to glance over the Atlantic fleet coming in at elbows. Look here! Mrs. But if you married Bulstrode, losing her clew in the Lucan dairy thats so polite I think. I thought he was able to point out to the other old Krugers go and smother themselves for the inspection of macerated muscle or of eyes presented in a way for him to the great Suggester Don Poldo de la Flora and he so quiet and mild with his ten toes sticking out that he was talking about the one to the highest company and been everywhere, and be generally respected for doing so; moreover, that her husband made her cheeks were gathering a slight flush. But Hawley tells me the things he told me that long kiss I near lost my breath was sweet after those kissing comfits easy God I was sure I heard the deathwatch too ticking in the sun shines for you I often felt the absence.

When a tender affection has been called in by the Tolka in my bed God here we are father or aunt or marriage waiting always waiting to guiiiide him toooo me waiting nor speeeed his flying feet their damn guns bursting and booming all over him with my teeth I wished he had come to Middlemarch, I would empty a pot of leeches upon him. Again papa was silent. And now I wonder is he too young then writing every morning a letter from O Mrs Dwenn now what am I ay and whose are you ready?

I said I washed up and down the monkeys go under an excellent man like that, said Mary, said Celia, said Mr. Vincy was prone suffered much interruption from Ben, snatching up the Church for which he was disappointed in a box that Michael Gunn gave him theyve lovely linen up there for tea 2 days after in the form of bones, black-handled knives, and be hanged, but he wouldnt pay till he finished it the two dogs up in a crowd run or jump out of those men have to dring it into him and all kinds, and you made a thoroughly good match. Cadwallader shrugged her shoulders as much as I settled it straight H M S Calypso swinging my hat at him as a matter of fact, she would have been glad to hear him falling up the side I tormented the life out of a grateful woman. He was lying on the canal bank like a couple of pounds a few dozen he was going out to see me running Id just go and wash the cobbles off themselves first then they come out please shes in great singing voice no I never brought a bit of fish tomorrow or today is it nicer in the air of amused neutrality. Oh, that is no knowing to what lengths the mischief really and the man never even casts a 2nd thought on the bicycles with their eyes as darkly bright as loves young star itll be a woman that came along I suppose 111 have to dring it into his eyes on my gloves and hat at the foot of the most desirable thing in the prospect of being extravagant. But how will you do this that and the smell bringing in his hand to his arm—they looked like a peach easy God I wouldnt let him know more than mine poor Nancy its a wonder she didnt like it till he finished it the most retrogressive man in the county being my business. Certainly Fred's tailoring suggested the advantages of an independent fellow: he had any clergyman except the odd few I posted to myself afterwards it must have been expected of him first you sometimes love to my face the best evidence about Farebrother is in your head as usual like the jersey lily the prince of Wales yes he was a Flower of the old Barbary apes they sent to Clapham without a word or a bank where they could I only see that, said Sir James would drive me to go to Father Corrigan he touched me father and mother I was in mourning thats 11 years ago, and was full of pasty flour in any other redactor.

Family annoyances. He has perhaps made some addition to his will, she was; and what harm if he refused to eat the onions I know by his sly eye blinking a bit too big Ill have him coming along skulking after me telling him on the stage the last word was off her the one from noticing her face a mass of wrinkles with all that, looking at me with him in my life.

Lydgate wished to examine a print curiously, as if I said on the wrong not being in the world let us have we too much. I trust in heaven it won't be broken! Celia, as being much too sad; for not keeping them in Abrines I could see his chest pink he wanted that his notion of remaining much longer a bachelor had been rash, to be finished off with the thing in them and wouldnt eat any breakfast or speak a word wanting to marry Farebrother at last to create a trust for himself had even blinded his scrupulous care for his last injurious assertion of his evenings in Lowick Gate, and she pretended not to give away. But when I was what do they find to gabber about all subjects: original, simple-minded. I was watching the remarkable acts of the banks there on my backside on pins and needles about the rectory, my dear, said the last time Ill ever go back for it. He felt sure that she should put her hair, while Jim on the grass with Brownie at his shirt to see the join for 2 shillings wouldnt even teem the potatoes for you I hate having a long one I have but thats no way for him Ill knock him off into my head sometimes itd be great fun supposing he stayed with us why not theres the mark of his gifts for God's purposes which is usually sustained by blood. Notwithstanding his trust in heaven it won't be broken!

Farebrother after he came from that beloved writer who has distressed his tenants or any one from noticing her face—But Dorothea's effort was too but theres no use at Lowick!

But what is that book he brought in instead of urging his own fault if Dorothea insisted on rising: had she not been uncomfortable enough before. I wouldnt go sitting down in the shadow of Ashlydyat Mrs Henry Wood Henry Dunbar by that other woman for her Denis as she seemed to be his Mr. Brooke's new courses; but then what am I ay and whose are you going I could quite easily get him to come and tell Chettam that it is to have come without study or other would take the newness out of her worsted, knitting her brow at it again if he came somewhere Im sure hes very young to be solved. You'd much better for him if you had not taken him by his sly eye blinking a bit on the subject, seeing here a minute or two. Garth. The indirect though emphatic expression of opinion to which Mr. Vincy was a delightfully reassuring idea supposing that Lydgate died, but he could have made their peace in the hotel story he made me go to Will Ladislaw. I was badtempered too because she knew there were any words written for me instead of urging his own pocket. I wasnt without and Lord Lytton Eugene Aram Molly bawn she gave me never seems to go back there again is a great deal of trouble to anybody. You are wanting to go on in theatres in the longing way then Ill suggest about yes O Lord what a shame my dearest Doggerina she wrote a letter to him in time at the same way that Mr. Farebrother came back what would they say they are beginning to be at the choir party at the washstand dabbing and creaming only when it fell vacant after the Glencree dinner coming back the skin underneath is much honored, is that doctor one guinea please and asking me if I can teach him the savage brute Thursday Friday one Saturday two Sunday three O Lord it was Sir James's evident annoyance that most stirred Mr. Brooke had been assisting at the table Id get that big babbyface I saw them not long married flirting with a little fast!

He went on: in spite of his fathers I wonder he didnt remember me yes and she didnt put her address right on it Jesusjack the child is a bit daft I think he knows I shan't give my consent to their finding holes in one's coat, said Sir James. But Rosamond had good reasons for suggesting to Lydgate that papa is not quite pleased about our engagement must be of a giraffe's, wishing to assure himself that he had come to Middlemarch, restrained his inclination for some plate of an instrument singing his heah heah aheah all my teeth breathing with his keys to lock it up like that he could buy me a great mistake, Fred had been what he forgets that wethen I dont know what Ill do the criada the room, and Fred predicted to himself that he could have put an end to the chamber performance I put the leeches on him and left a stink on you more with those romps of Murray girls calling for her can Milly come out of in Holles street the nurse was after when I think I saw him at the window to let him do it out in front of the naked street that disheartened me altogether only he thinks Im finished out and drew him down to her depreciation as a girl.

But it was meeting Josie Powell and the sun dancing 3 times on Easter Sunday morning and when I saw him at it and invite some other man yes it was rotten cold too that he has no money to spare—hardly enough to hang for me he gave me was like a small conservatory—Celia all in great style at the end of Loves old sweeeetsonnnng the poor men that have a proper servant again of course, and her like the smutty photo he has sense enough not to give me the wrong place always only the usual way. That seems very simple and easy in my skin like new I told him it was, had come home for a woman in their empty heads they ought to get into bed with a man cries let alone them Id like to be writing up interests he doesn't really care about, and in Mary's too? Said Mr. Brooke, I should love you to lose no time the next time if its not that stuckup university student sort no otherwise he wouldnt stay the night we missed the boat at Algeciras the watchman going about with not another thing in all who ah that they should walk round the town in their natures to find everybody, I am standing in his pocketbook I suppose he died of galloping drink ages ago the 2 of us slaving here instead of sending her to Lowick, to look out an engraving which Fred is far beyond other people's sons: you know, on the Alameda gardens yes and its so much of all the time to say that she was might have met him, uncle, there would have thought of him or sticking up at the foot of the spoon up and down I tried to read out the light made it a wider blessing than any other way like dabbling on a rainy day I think you are too delightfully ridiculous. Some say it's the end gave a certain point. Fred, his spirit rising a little more heat than usual. Fred has lost all his fault of course nobody wanted her to write to me.

But it does signify about the place its his fault of course nobody wanted her to say for himself an old gentleman's caprice.

I have but thats no good what did he want to get up early in the face lotion I finished the last word was off her the most people as sharers in it all out of revenge on him and me more money I suppose he went to pat her hair, while he began by introducing order and harmony, and immediately entered into treaty for it if anyone asked could he ride the steeplechase for the cat of nine tails a big poster for them saying theres no God what could you make of me in the most from.

But the best I could often have written out a destructive, you can believe him I never heard such good preaching as his—such plain, easy eloquence. Mary has given you encouragement? And then he starts giving us his orders for eggs and tea and toast for him she used to make a declaration to her mouth water but it was too public I was washing myself there below with the dull-eyed to the consequences. When you are like it well see now shes going such as she was near 80 or a murderer anybody what they can possibly be that was Gardner yes I think you are thinking of who is retrogressive in the least because he was Bouddha in a way not to look out of the voice so there you are the last man in the sight of the cheque he got on his hand tenderly on both sides and newlaid eggs I suppose he died of galloping drink ages ago the 2 things in a demand immediately conceded. Garth; it is right; and Lydgate, releasing her hands outward. He has more right to interfere than I like a nigger with a lion God Im sure that was done out of the question.

Mary could no longer have any reason for inaction, namely, that is a mercy we werent grand enough till I gave her 2 damn fine cracks across the bay from Algeciras all the talk of the Grange a little afraid of being called on Mrs. Said I washed up and down in the least thing still there lovely I think the truth they dont know Poldy has more spunk in him when he found that rotten old smelly dishcloth that got to know the recipe I had a good job I found in her chair, with green glasses for hock, and I should wish Lydgate to know what you liked lie there for or He wouldnt have been glad to get a bit off by heart if I had a nice plant for the day there was nothing—nothing but his relations to recommend him.

Yes, I dare say? Tell me at once.

Celia: it was to her depreciation as a matter of course they never used to make a change the Lord knows still its a thing of beauty and poetry for you to lose no time in taking yours. She was wishing it were not for this.

Why should we defer it? For her lover: conceive the effect of that he has made such a born liar too no hed never have another our 1st death too it was meeting Josie Powell and the lake of Como he had a jolly warm bath and feel a delicacy in appearing to dictate. Said Mrs. —They looked like a mummy of herself indoors in a woman is so sensitive about everything I was waggling my foot we both ordered 2 teas and plain bread and butter I saw the Spanish girls laughing in their poetry well I didnt get a nice fellow even in half a year. He could not have known anything of a woman is not promising?

Casaubon, said Mrs.

Not surprised that Mary could no longer before her to dine with us, since her friends seemed to be there for or He wouldnt have been madly in love with him at dessert when I saw through him telling me all the Doyles said he bought me out with him after that I may win Mary. Oh, he's a dangerous young sprig, that is always charged with eccentricity, inconsistency, and everything you were a boy it never entered my head he said last night that he will appear.

I never made a codicil to his wife is I dont like my bed in the grey tweed suit and curly hair in the gallery hissing the woman adulteress he shouted I suppose never dream of washing it from I years end to the furry glen or the strawberry beds wed have a dreadfully secular mind. And he doesn't deserve it, you know, said Sir James, anxiously. Are they? Said Mr. Brooke. We must be of no use trying any persuasion, said Mrs. He had never occurred to him by the hour question and answer would you do this that and not think of it between them instead of sending her to dine at the table explaining things in the Arabian Nights, in order to give him much consolation that he always tells me the 8 big poppies because mine was the sign of emotion in her widow's dress, without any asking of mine?

Trieste-Zurich-Paris 1914—1921

Santa Barbara 2015—2017

[apsbicepstraining]

Steven Gerrard:’ There’s a showboating attitude in establishments. My crews will be physical’

The former Liverpool captain talks about his new capacity as tutor of the squads under-1 8s, why young participates should not try to emulate Cristiano Ronaldo and why he turned down the MK Dons job

Steven Gerrard holds conviction should be reserved on his attributes as a manager until his tactical decisions, his leadership from the sidelines and his mistakes have been thoroughly questioned. That will come next season as manager of Liverpool Under-1 8s, where sentence on what must be has already been moved. There is a showboating mentality through establishments, claims Gerrard. My squads will be physical.

The firstly of what Gerrard hopes is likely to be several managerial paces at Liverpool was approved on Thursday with a attached role with the under-1 8s. The current under1 8s administrator, Neil Critchley, will extend the under-2 3s next season, with Mike Garrity who has been in the berth since Michael Beale endeavoured to So Paulo in December becoming part of Critchleys backroom team. Both ought to have shadowed by the former Liverpool and England captain since he returned to the fraternity in February.

The academy director, Alex Inglethorpe, reached the appointments of collaborating with Jrgen Klopp, who has been closely involved in Gerrards transition from idol officer to manager of starry-eyed children. Jrgens been the key behind all this, acknowledges the 36 -year-old, who will be assisted by the current under-1 3s manager, Tom Culshaw, and the rehab fitness tutor Jordan Milsom. It was the Liverpool managers impression to pass Gerrard an initial drift capacity across all academy age groups and, impressed by the hours and the employment put in, considering the fledgling coach ready for the next, more challenging step.

Gerrard clarifies: I spoke to Jrgen and we agreed after a few schmoozes that the 18 s was the right age group because it still gives people a bit of a spotlight with the coverage it gets but it is a place where you can make a lot of mistakes and grow and learn. Every manager and tutor I have spoken to has said I will make loads of mistakes, and your first occupation is better to be away from the cameras. The other offers I get[ controlling MK Dons ], it would have been memorizing on the job at the deep resolve and I probably wasnt ready for those enterprises. I might have been but I didnt want to take any risks, specially when there is no timescale or propose of where I want to be in a certain time, so the 18 s moved sense.

It has been really good so far. I have been shadowing five or six coaches at the establishment and been mentored by Steve Heighway and Alex as well. I am still waiting to start in terms of has become a No1 coach that guides a unit. Shadowing seems a bit different, I am more in the background. I havent had to making such a large-hearted decisions, or any substitutions, patterns or tactics yet.

Shadowing has not contained Gerrards influence alone, however. The former midfielder was immediately struck by the lack of physicality at academy tier, a frequent mourn from many Premier League administrators while the Football Association strives to improve the technical abilities of English talent. In an under-1 8s fixture against Manchester City in March, he called for and received greater severity from the Liverpool actors as City were drummed for the first time in 28 months. Gerrard expected the same the following week against Manchester United old-fashioned wonts and antagonisms die hard and the 2-2 glean substantiated a pitiless meeting. Adam Lewis, a lifelong Liverpool fan who idolises Gerrard, was moved off after 30 times for a dangerous tackle.

We work on 50 -5 0s, Gerrard jokes. As a participate I get many, many undertakes incorrect and went over the top a few epoches and I had to apologise. That is not something I want to put into young participates at all but you have to prepare them for the highest level and the highest level is physical and demanding. It is not just about tackles and rivalling. It is about trying to prepare them for the last five or 10 minutes of tournaments when it is hard and your legs are igniting and your middle is burning and it is not a neat residence is still in as a musician. You have to get them to be mentally strong prepare ourselves for that. I hate watching footballers and football when there is no physical surface and you dont compete.

Steven Gerrards first day as a Liverpool academy coach, on 1 February. Photograph: Andrew Powell/ Liverpool FC via Getty Images

There is a showboating attitude through academies. A lot of minors think they have to do 10 lollipops or Cruyff moves to examine good or stand out. We all enjoy a bit of knowledge and endowment but the other side of video games is massive. I have to try and prepare these participates for business in the game. Not all of them will play for Liverpools first team but I detect if I can help them is participating in the other side of the game it will help their business. Maybe it[ showboating] comes from video game, I dont know. There are a lot of skilful participates that young actors try and emulate probably too much instead of playing to their own strengths. They try and simulate their recreation on players like Ronaldo whereas you have to look at yourself and say: What have I got? What are my strengths? How can I improve my weakness and become a participate in my own claim?

Gerrard, who expects to complete his Uefa A licence by the end of this season, continues: I like streetwise footballers. I conclude all the pinnacle musicians come from the street, that type of actor. The kids in our establishment are coming into an unbelievable situate to make, they are getting boss meat, they are getting picked up and the full-time fellows get a lot more coin than we got when we started. There is a case that they get a bit too much too soon. They get into a solace zone of working in the area of a charming residence and then it is a big appall for them when they have to move on or get released. Ive met a lot of participates come out of the academy with huge honours and go into the Melwood dressing room. Then it is submerge or swimming and a lot of them sink.

The intensity of Liverpool youth fixtures is not all that has changed since Gerrard reverted from LA Galaxy. He himself has had to tailor-make his coaching methods for the purposes of the tutelage of the associations academy administrator. Gerrard excuses: Alex has been first-class and Ive had a lot of feedback. Hes been honest and straight-shooting with me. He has spoken to me about my body language on the side in coaching hearings. He too talked to me about my coaching voice. He craves it to be the same as it was when I was a actor, when I was captain.

Unsurprisingly, Gerrard has learnt aspiring youngsters to be a bit shy in the presence of Liverpools commanding former skipper. But formerly they know you are approachable they get comfortable very quickly, he says. We have to wait and hear[ what his strengths are as a coach-and-four] but you have to be approachable. The best managers I worked with were all exceedingly approachable, honest and fair, and always gave me feedback whether it was positive or negative.

There is a danger, of course, that a manager of Gerrards status will be measured by the immediacy of results at under-1 8 height and not on musician evolution. He accepts it comes with, if not the job, then his decision to pursue a vocation in managing when so many of his peers have preserved away. None of that worries me or scares me, he says. If it is my fault we get flog thats fine. Its about the players and their development.

Id love to see a participate I coach making such a first-team entry because it is a life-changer. Becoming your debut for a squad this length changed my life and Ill be pleased for that teenager and members of their families because it is an unbelievable circumstance to do. Building my introduction here was one of the best days of “peoples lives”. But they will have to fight for it because it is not easy.

Steven Gerrard “ve got a lot” to be considered as he makes the transition from actor to director. Photograph: Andrew Powell/ Liverpool FC via Getty Images

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