#ill be honest i completely forgot this blog existed

[medievildead]

for the ship opinion bingo kratos/heimdall 👉👈

HOOOO BOY SORRY THIS TURNED INTO A RANT however you did ask for my opinion and this is my blog so you know what. I am gonna post it. And this will be the only time I talk about it.

I reeeeeally don't like kradall it creeps me out and I don't understand it at fucking all. I see people try to make Hear Me Out posts about them and AUs about them and it just makes less and less sense to me (and I KNOW this is bold ass words coming from me I KNOW) but the canon dynamic that does exist for them at no point to me ever at all in the slightest tipped me off or made me think to ship them. Never clicked.

Then again you gotta remember that I'm someone who has been autistic about Kratos since 2005 and I am so incredibly damn picky about shipping him unironically with anyone. Shipping Kratos with Heimdall knowing the kind of person Kratos is and what hes gone through to Become his new self in the norse saga just doesn't make sense. A lot of kradall I see (that isn't non/con honestly another huge reason I don't vibe with it is that a bunch of people use it as a bolt for r/pe stuff in the early moments of Ragnarok fandom) is just them in a very ooc marriage situation I can't wrap my head around. Throwing Kratos into a heavy intense relationship is dumb to me like it took him centuries to fucking get over Lysandra and then moving on to Faye and I'm expected to belive the Hear Me Out posts about why Kratos would be in a long term relationship with.... Heimdall? The guy who is a complete prick to giants? Who actively said misogynistic shit about Atreus' mom who Kratos still loves with his whole heart? And threatened to actively kill his 14 year old son? Kratos's son? Kratos who has lifelong trauma about his child dying from war? I'm not buying it im sorry. No way you cook it will convince me.

In the early points of the ships existence honestly felt to me like people who were into Heimdall just wanted to explore a crutch for brat breaking. But its just genuinley not something I'm into. I'm a firm believer of ship and let ship as long as its harmless and for the most part it is! It's people having fun but it's not for me and never, ever ever will be no matter what and there is a reason I don't talk about it on this blog.

I've been in this fandom a long time and let me say Kratos x Heimdall reminds me a lot of when GoW3 came out and people started shipping and writing tons of Kratos x Hermes dubcon stuff for the sole reason of yaoi fujoshi people wanted to fetishize the gay male power dynamic. Its like I honestly feel some people see a big muscular man and a smaller effeminate man and are like "oh I need to make one a submissive girl" like again I know its just words and pictures on a screen but I have been here long enough to be Very Tired of seeing my sexuality get used as a fetish tool sjshskdnks

And. And ill be honest. And this is petty and trust me this is literally just me and my opinion but I cannot fucking stress how utterly confused and flabbergasted because FREYR IS RIGHT FUCKING THERE. HE IS RIGHT FUCKING THERE. BLATANTLY INTO KRATOS, A COMPLETE KIND SWEETHEART FULL OF LOVE, EXACTLY THE KIND OF GUY THAT WOULD SHOW KRATOS A GOOD TIME AND HAS AN ADORABLE ONSCREEN DYNAMIC THAT DOESN'T EVEN NEED TO BE AU'd OR CHANGED TO MAKE SENSE AND THIS FANDOM DOES NOTHING WITH IT. I see so many AUs where Heimdall survives to get with Kratos and valid but you know what??? I am gonna be angry, WHERE ARE MY FREYR LIVES AUs. WHERE ARE MY AUs WHERE FREYR LIVES AND GETS KRATOS ASCENDED ON THAT VANAHEIM ZA???????

LIKE FORREAL. I honestly feel like this fandom gets so blindsided by Heimdall and wanting to put him in situations and hell I'm guilty of it too, but I have genuinley met GoW Heimdall likers that straight up forgot Freyr existed and it shocks me. I don't get it!!!!!!

Theres a reason I ship Heimdall x Hermes together and its because their individual dynamics are so unbelievably compatible and I like to explore that. But I get people wanting something more realistic in universe as a muse. When it does come to shipping Heimdall with someone else in canon that makes absolute dynamic sense to me, I gotta be honest, Heimdall x Gná is the only "heimdall gets a dom" pairing that I can realistically get behind. Since they both would actually like each other despite being hated by all their peers for their devotion to Odin. Is it healthy? No, but Kradall isn't exactly peaches and cream either. So we work with what we got babey!!!!

[the-lil-devil-himself]

Sorry fer the delay, ladies and gents...but, as they say, the show must go on!

[venus-says]

Healin’ Good Precure Episodes 31-35

The anti-vax go crazy at the sight of the new Healin' Good power-up weapon.

I honestly don't know how to start this post, I think I never actually knew how to do these ever since I began this thing, but anyway back for more Precure! It only took me five weeks to get back this time, hooray!

You know, I wish I was more happy and excited to be back, but being frank, I'm not really? Part of it is because I feel like I lost the touch for writing, but the biggest reason is that I will be kinda negative about the things I have to say and I've been trying to stay away from negativity, especially now that my cat is sick, and I didn't want to be a source for negativity. But it's already December, I've neglected this blog a lot already and I feel bad for it so I decided to do something about it.

But to be honest, those weren't the only reasons why it took me a month to be back... I've actually been avoiding watching Precure. Well, I've been avoiding watching most of the things I write about because I've overdone it at the beginning of the year, and burn out hit me seriously, but from everything Healin' Good is what I've been avoiding the most. I know it doesn't seem like it, considering the last 3 posts I've made in the past 4 months (wow) were of Precure, but I've been watching the other shows here and there, I've just been sitting on a huge pile of drafts in my Evernote because I can't put my thoughts on those shows in a cohesive way for some reason, but when it comes to Precure, while it's easier for me to write about, I didn't feel compelled to get back and watch this show.

Every time I would sit down to watch a Precure episode at the same time I would open YouTube and Twitch in the hopes of something else I was more interested in would be there in my subscription box so I could avoid watching Healin' Good. And it's not like I think the show is utterly bad or isn't even like I don't have a good time when I actually sit down to watch the show, I just... lost interest. I think ever since Earth's debut my interest in the show has been decreasing more and more, and I don't know how to pinpoint if it's actually a problem with the show or if it's just me and the headspace I've been in ever since the pandemic hit Brazil. Yes, the story had plot points that I didn't like and the flaws of the show have been more apparent in my eyes with each time I watch it, but at the same time sitting down to watch one episode isn't an excruciating experience (especially when i'm not live-tweeting, istg i don't know why I ever thought that would be a good idea), I just don't feel attached to these characters as much as I did before and I'm not engaged in seeing what their story will become in the future.

With that being said, I think you all are already prepared for a post that won't be very positive so I guess it's time to put my personal rambling aside and talk about what y'all came here for, episodes 31 to 35 of Healin' Good Precure.

When I left in the last post I know I've said the cliffhanger of Episode 30 was a good one, and well... Episode 31 used its boots to step on my fingers and made me fell from that cliff. I forgot that since we were ending in that action the next episode would begin with the Cures being defeated, the major portion of the episode would be for dealing with the tension, and the new power-up would come at the climax. And that was exactly what happened, except that there was no tension at all and the power-up didn't feel like a cathartic experience just a Deus Ex Machina. The episode was very anticlimactic and just very uninteresting as a whole and once again, I know I'm going to be very repetitive here, it all comes down to the villains.

Everything that is depending on the villains' side to make me feel something 9 times out of 10 won't make me feel anything because of how boring they are. They made such a big deal about the villains evolving after using the Mega Parts, but it feels like anything changed. Shindoine is still just "the girl", Guwaiaru is still just the dumb strong guy, and the so-called power we're supposed to see from these new forms don't really make much of a difference since these two never get into actual fights with the cures, only the MOTW do. Daruizen is the only one they make stuff with, but it's more because they're really desperate to make him and Nodoka to be deeply connected and so they'll mold his character and personality to forcefully match him with whatever Nodoka's problem will be in that episode, if they need him to be the bored one he'll be, if they need him to be the curious type running experiments he'll be that, if they want him to be a selfish lone wolf they'll make him be. And that's just boring, at this point this villainous team and a cardboard cut-out are basically the same thing.

While also speaking about this "evolution" from the villains, you would think the new human-powered Giga Byogen would bring something new to the table, but no. It's just the exact same thing as before just with a bigger range for creating infections and a slightly higher defense stat. They aren't used in creative ways neither proposes a different treat that the other Mega Byogens did, proof of that is that in Episode 35 instead of a Giga they bring back a Mega just to show how irrelevant they are. They're also different from other monsters who draw their power from humans like a Nottrigger, or a Desertrian, or a Zetsuborg, where in most of the cases the summoning of the monster would be relevant for "solving the problem" afflicting either the victim of the week or the people around them. The teacher being affected didn't make his son appreciate the father more than he did before because that wasn't his conflict, Nodoka's doctor didn't have a revelation about his talents for medicine and Nodoka also didn't get anything new that she hadn't already learned before in the episode, neither did Chiyuu and her rival, you could completely delete the fight and that episode would've reached the same conclusion. Heck, the victim of episode 32 had only TWO appearances before he was turned into a monster, I doubt he was on screen for more than a minute, and they didn't need Touji to be there protecting the dog in the middle of the fight BECAUSE CHIYUU WAS ALREADY AWARE THAT HE'S A BRAVE HARD-WORKING KID BEFORE. These monsters are completely irrelevant and they don't add anything else to the show, and that's just really sad.

Back to Episode 31, let's talk about this power-up, shall we? Being straight to the point, I don't like it, both in the visual and narrative aspects. I visually like them even less now that we already know how the movie power-up looks and how much those forms are way more interesting than just a bigger hair and bigger skirts with a set of wings in the back that you could find in a Halloween costume sale. But who cares about how they look when this power, that is the manifestation of the the four cures combined powers together with their respective healing animals, comes out of nowhere without anything specific happening for them to trigger the appearance of the Healin' Good Arrow and the Special Healin' Good Bottle. Guess is needless to say that the Special Healin' Good Style doesn't feel special at all, it's like it only exists just to sell toys. Well, it's not like everything in this franchise is just to sell toys, but they usually know how to merge this with the story of the show and this didn't happen here. Also, for Christ's sake, this is the second year in a row where the name for the group powered-up attack is just the name of the series being used in the more boring way possible, where has their creativity gone to? The only good thing I have to say about this is that it gave us the healing animals doing some sort of rhythmic gymnastics and Pegitan twirling in that is prime content.

Overall complaints done, let's move one. (these will be quicker)

Episode 32, at first I thought I wouldn't like this one because they brought back this weird rivalry Pegitan has with Chiyuu's brother that doesn't have much of a reason for existing, but it was actually pretty sweet and heartwarming seeing Pegitan leave behind that and showing that he actually cares a lot about Touji, this silly rivalry is just his silly way of showing it (Showing it to who? I don't know, since no one but Pegitan and the audience seems to be aware of this, but shhh). This episode also made me like Touji, before he was just a background character to me and I didn't care much for him, but now I see him as more of a character of his own and not just Chiyuu's brother.

Episode 33 was my least favorite of the bunch because it connects to what to me is the worst plot point of the show: Nodoka's illness being a magic thing. If this had never been a thing, I'd be completely here for this episode. Nodoka's Doctor leaving his job because he felt powerless regarding Nodoka's disease and that being what drives him to go overseas to start doing medical research?? That seems great, and Nodoka feeling guilty for him leaving, while in actuality she's his inspiration is actually pretty emotional. But to me, it all just loses a lot of its importance because Nodoka was never sick after all, and unless this dude discovers on his own about the Byogens he pretty much went through all of this emotional trauma because and for nothing, it all becomes sad when you remember this aspect of it.

Episode 34 was going very well to me up until it's last moments where instead of sticking with a somewhat unique perspective on how to do a story like this they just throw it all through the window and instead of making Chiyuu and Tsubasa friendly rivalry exist outside the world of competitive sports they make Chiyuu change her mind and decide to pursue the World Tournament because you obviously can't have other interests and want to pursue different things when you're out of school, you gotta do that all your life, no other option allowed. This got me so disappointed, y'all have no idea.

Last but not least, Episode 35 which was my favorite, probably because it felt completely disconnected from the rest of the show and I could freely enjoy it in a separate pocket dimension without thinking about the rest. But regardless this was just a very fun and over-the-top episode that wasn't concerned about anything else other than just being fun, and that was exactly what I've been needing. Also, volleyball and beach volley is just cool as heck and seeing that incorporated in the fight of the episode was just fun as hell and a good change of pace. Akane sure is proud.

And that does it for now. Much like at the beginning, I also don't know how to close this one, especially after writing all those bad things and the fact that I'm not that excited for what's to come next. Well, let me know how you feel about all this, I don't know when I'll be back with another post but I promise I'll at least reply to any comment I receive. Without much else to say I'll leave you all with my usual sign-off. Stay healthy, stay safe, never stop resisting, thank you so much for reading, and until the next time. Healin' Goodbye~

[tessatechaitea]

Cerebus #11 (1979)

The only weapon you need to provoke a police officer to violence is scorn.

Sorry! The above caption had nothing to do with The Cockroach's first appearance in Cerebus and everything to do with how the Omaha Police arrested peaceful protesters by claiming that they're purpose was to "attack and/or provoke police officers to violence." Also, you can tell they're already spinning and lying by adding the "and/or" so they can imply that the protesters are planning on attacking police. And, well, even if they weren't (and they did say "or"!), their other main plan was to provoke them. But of course everybody whose ability to perceive reality isn't clouded by their incessant need to defend police no matter what understands that police will abuse their power at the drop of an eye roll. They believe any slight disrespect is an excuse for a violent rebuttal. They force physical violence on people whom they have no reason to arrest simply so the person can struggle against the assault, as any normal person would do, and then claim resisting. Police should be confronted by scorn and disrespect at every turn. Only when they learn not to instantly resort to violence and threats will they deserve to not be. Welcome to my comic book and/or police review blog! Deni's "A Note from the Publisher" continues on a theme that I hadn't noticed until just now: every new issue of Cerebus now seems to be a landmark issue! It's an interesting self-promotion take that I have to admit I'd never thought of trying. "Every new Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea review is a landmark review!" You know what else is a landmark? Places & Predators, my Cribbage-based Roller Playing Game! You don't even really need any friends to play it. Just read it like a book and enjoy it! Or play it like a Fighting Fantasy Adventure Book! Use some online Cribbage app! Figure out how to use the crib in ways the online app definitely won't let you! Oh, the reason this is a landmark issue is because more letters came in than normal! It's a hit! Deni also reveals that she'll be making the Cerebus plush toys that were advertised in previous issues and at half the price! So kudos for stealing that job from the person who originally made them! It probably wasn't anything so dramatic but what fun is going through your life defaulting to the best, most optimistic possibility in every given situation? Have some fun! Act paranoid! Purposefully misunderstand your father and scream in his face! Kick a dog! Sorry! I got carried away! I would never kick a dog unless it was attacking me. But even then, I'd be wishing I was kicking the owner who let it go off leash. The dog doesn't deserve my epic self defense tactics in its soft face. But the owner certainly does!

The basics on the origin of The Cockroach.

I didn't realize Dave came up with The Cockroach because it was gross and disgusting. I just thought it was a more clever version of a bat, keeping to the shadows, hiding, surviving, a constant annoyance to poor people. In any case, The Cockroach is the greatest parody of The Batman, hands down. Because The Batman has become such a parody of himself time and time again, you just need an absolutely Batshit insane version of him. I don't do segues so Cerebus has come to Beduin to sell the Black Blossom Lotus. Just look at all the continuity Dave Sim is giving his readers! I wonder how many comic book fans would list "continuity" as their number one favorite thing about comic books? Like, are there people who would list that above great writing or terrific art? Judging by how terrible a lot of mainstream comic books are and how rabid many of the fans, I'd suspect it was a fairly high number. Maybe 65 out of 100, Bob. Change that card! The Merchant Cerebus deals with is a kook who might just have a super secret identity. It's weird to think of the Roach as being capable of actually living an independent life! I suppose he's just barely hanging onto his sanity at this point (and, of course, only during the day). But then he comes into the mystical aura of strangeness that aardvarks apparently exude out of their buttholes and he just loses it completely. He becomes less a merchant slash superhero and more a superhero slash zombie cosplayer. Also he becomes one of the greatest characters ever created! There are like four of them in the entirety of Cerebus! The exclamation point is because I think that's an incredibly high number and not because I think it's an incredibly low number. Most comic book's protagonists never quite make it to the greatest ever! Plus I'd probably give Cerebus more than four but a lot of them are just really good parodies, satires, and slightly-off representations of characters and people who already existed. The merchant buys the Black Blossom Lotus from Cerebus for 100 gold pieces and then promptly drops it out of the window and into the Feld River.

Not only does Dave Sim come up with a bunch of memorable plots across three hundred issues, he also comes up with a lot of good Dungeons & Dragons campaign ideas.

The Merchant pays Cerebus a sack of gold and gets ready for bed as Cerebus begins to leave. Before Cerebus can even exit the hallway outside the merchant's bedroom door, Cerebus begins to hear loud ranting coming from the other side. It's a lot of hissing and threats of murder. Against his better judgment, Cerebus decides to see what's happening and gets his first look at the guy who will be a huge headache to him for the next two hundred issues or so.

One thing I like about Dave Sim is how honest he is when recounting where he came up with or stole his ideas. He gives plenty of credit for the Cockroach and his hissing to Marshall Rogers and Jules Feiffer. It's admirable because a lot of people would just figure, "It might make me look less of an artist and who's going to know anyway?!"

Just a few days ago, my old elementary school friend who was blown up in Iraq and then became a comedian playing to Christians and patriots (which I mention so you'll understand how, as a wounded veteran, he'll never be criticized by his audience and he'll never really grow as a comedian) posted a Tik Tok on Facebook that was just a film of a television set capturing the "Masked Debate" bit on Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. The clip only shows all the clips of news readers saying "masked debate" and none of Oliver's or the show's set-up. He then watermarked it with his Tik Tok name. Now all of those naive followers who can only seem to reply to his posts with the laugh/cry emoji probably think he wrote it. Better yet, they're probably mostly Trump followers who would never admit to finding that libjerk Oliver or his show funny. What's even better is that the Tik Tok has some quote along top that's watermarked with somebody else's Tik Tok name! So it looks like Bob doubly stole the bit. Man, I wish I'd joined the army and gotten blown up and then found Christ and developed an audience of uncritical naive yahoos who would wildly applaud everything I wrote! Why didn't I join the army?! Oh, that's right. Because I believed I had a future right out of high school. Well, I guess Bob is having the last laugh now! Cerebus follows Cockroach across the rooftops to find out what's going on. He eventually witnesses the Cockroach confront a man in an alley, accuse him of killing his parents, knock him out, and steal his gold. The gold part of the night helps Cerebus to ignore all of the other confusing stuff. The Cockroach doesn't gloat for long. He's off to find another victim! Cerebus witnesses him mug another guy whom he also accuses of killing his parents. He also admits to doing this for thirty years. So now Cerebus thinks the guy is crazy but also crazy rich. At the end of the night, the Cockroach returns home and drops the gold purses into a secret panel in the wall. He falls asleep, wakes up, and, when he sees Cerebus, acts as if Cerebus were just leaving. So Cerebus realizes that the merchant doesn't have any idea what the Cockroach is doing. Which means Cerebus is going to recover those gold purses before the Cockroach comes back! At the moment, Cerebus doesn't realize that he's going to be finding thirty years worth of gold purses in the merchant's walls. Can you imagine how boring the last two hundred and eighty-nine issues of Cerebus would have been if Cerebus managed to steal all of the Roach's gold?! I'm sure some of you are thinking, "It wouldn't have been any worse than the last hundred issues we did get!" Also, can you imagine how fat Cerebus would have gotten drinking tons of ale and eating loads of rich foods? I'm laughing so much just trying to picture it! Ha ha!

Eight feet of gold would make Cerebus fatter than a domesticated raccoon!

In the end, Cerebus only makes it away with three sacks of gold. But in the process, he manages to completely screw up the Roach/Merchant equilibrium that's lasted for thirty years. In trying to exploit the man's mental illness so that he'd help Cerebus move the gold, Cerebus drags the Roach personality into the daylight. From here on out, the Roach will simply be a pawn of others, susceptible to almost any second-rate demagogue (although most of the people who subsequently control the Roach are of the first rate variety). The Aardvark Comment section was two pages this issue and had this letter that I don't think was being sarcastic?

I guess I also wouldn't necessarily consider a chainmail bikini as "a disgusting costume." He's probably thinking about Power Girl.

Also, and I admit it might have been a joke, but Dave Sim reveals that Ronald Reagan is Cerebus' father. That, um, makes sense! Cerebus #11 Rating: A. I almost gave it a B+ for variety but then I remembered I just read the first appearance of the Roach. I also forgot that my ratings don't actually mean anything.

[lifeofalaurie]

my uwc story

i remember reading through uwc blogs when i had just found out about uwc and when i was applying and going through all those months of WAITING for the next step...and they were so helpful. im so glad these exist

i first found out uwc through my brother’s friend, who actually went to UWC atlantic college (where im headed!!!!) a few years back. it was one ordinary saturday afternoon (idk if it was actually saturday but that sounds right) and we were carpooling with said friend (usually i dont participate in these but i happened to be in the car that day) and we were talking about next year and whatever and she just kinda said that she wasn’t going to be back next year bc she was going to this ‘abroad’ program. i didnt even really think about it that much. i in fact forgot about it after that...apparently my dad did not.

so my dad would talk about it here and there but i was NOT INTERESTED for that whole year..then...i started researching a bit myself and thought oh this sounds kind of cool. i still didn't really get what UWC even was or if was even a legit thing. it just sounded like another boarding school (a huge NO for me). then i saw that there was a such thing as a “short program” (or maybe someone actually told me about it) and i decided to apply for the one at the USA campus in New Mexico. i remember writing the essays over winter break and thinking they were pretty terrible (there was also a skype interview involved and that was rough) so i was pretty shocked when i found out i had gotten in but it worked out well bc my fam was going to arizona anyway a week before that so i just flew to new mexico myself after that (i say that casually but we had to cancel tickets and get new ones so that i could go to new mexico instead of home PLUS i had to fly for myself for the first time and i was pretty confused). (also, the program is called global leadership forum or GLF)

after hermit’s peak hike (ALL UPHILL FOR A SOLID 4-5 HOURS) i think it was like 8 miles IDK. view was so nice though 10/10

GLF turned out to be an amazing experience and really solidified my trust in UWC and confirmed to me that it was indeed a real thing. i really loved how much we did in those 2 and half weeks or so - camping, hiking, interacting w wolves, having important discussions - and it really pushed me to decide to apply to UWC for real. maybe ill talk more about it in another post!!!!

ok so coming home i did even more research and really really started liking UWC and decided that i might as well try to apply. i knew they never had a certain ‘criteria’ for students but i also knew it was a long and stressful process and involved really digging deep so i really didn’t think much of it (didn’t think i really had a chance) after submitting my written application. and then began the long waiting game...

here’s a nice picture of the sky @ a wolf reservation! just wanted to add a nice pic 

i never joined any of those fb groups or college confidential things for applicants and good thing bc looking at some of them now stress me out so i wouldve probably been even more stressed if i had been involved in that. also i didnt even know they existed until later so thats also probably why.

anyway i had totally forgotten about UWC (more like i was sure they’d forgotten about me or there had been something wrong like my application wasn’t submitted or something) bc i didnt hear back until the end of november (i submitted the application early october). but finding out i was a semifinalist was kind of traumatic bc in my GLF snapchat group one of my friends (who’s going to Pearson this year!!!) said he’d moved on to the next stage and i hadn’t GOTTEN ANY EMAIL. i think i just accepted it that that was the end. but then a few hours passed when i finally decided to check a different email and, alas, there it was. so a few days later, i got an email from my interviewer when we should do our skype interview and it turned out to be the same day i was taking the ACT. good

the interview turned out to be completely ok and actually really great (enjoyable even!!?). if youre at that stage, seriously the best advice i have is to just chill and be honest when youre answering. also, make it more like a conversation rather than the interviewers (yes there are prob going to be more than 1 but i assure u its ok) asking u questions back and forth. think of it as a conversation- that helped me so much to relax. the interviewers just wants to talk to you and find out what kind of person you are and if youre the same one that wrote all those deep meaningful essays from the written application - so if you were honest from the start youll be completely fine...if not, well..sry

after that, school and extracurriculars and life really went up for me and i just forgot about UWC again. i never really told any of my friends about it or anyone except for my parents. i kind of wanted it to be a personal thing- get in or not in the end.

after a really good last day of school before winter break, i went to the town library (lol) and checked my phone and therE IT WAS. I WAS A FINALIST WHICH MEANT I WOULD BE GOING TO THE UWC USA CAMPUS FOR FINALIST WEEKEND. did not know what to expect

waiting for finalist weekend felt looooong

but it came

i flew there myself AND IT WASNT EVEN DIRECT and i remember feeling so independent and proud for making it. it turned out i was one of the later ones and in the last group to be bussed over (but i met a friend on the bus who i still talk to here and there who is going to RBC this yr!!). we were so late we missed the initial meeting and first night of activities and just went straight to the hotel. at the hotel i saw my interviewer and she gave me a hug (<3) and that helped calm me down and it was also really nice to see her in person bc i remember really liking her during our skype interview. then finalist weekend happened. and im pretty sure im not supposed to expose the process so all i can say was that it was actually so genuinely fun and a real good time 

UWC USA <3 

at the end we all exchanged social media and fb and all that and started a messenger group chat -- as nice as it was to be able to connect to everyone, i think it really stressed everyone out. they told us that results would come out early that week (FALSE). THAT WEEK AFTER FINALIST WEEKEND WAS THE MOST STRESSFUL THING EVER. IT TOOK YEARS FOR IT TO GO BY. i remember constantly checking my email between classes and everyone in the group chat wondering if anyone had heard. then on wed night, we all got an email that said the results would be notified by friday instead. the worst

i remember that friday evening i was packing for my first hackathon (it was fun) and thinking the call wouldnt come until later that night. people were freaking out all over the group chat. then, as i was scrambling packing my sweatpants into my bag, the home phone started ringing and i ran..RAN TO THE PHONE. it said my interviewer’s name on the caller ID and i was like OK THIS I S REAL. and i picked it up and it turned out i was too late so i frantically called back probably 10 times on multiple different phones (my efforts did not work). but then, i got a call to the home phone again and it was her so i picked up RIGHT AWAY and when she told me... i kid you not that i screamed and ran around my house a few times. so thats it. it was kind of a really long and sstressful process for sure, but SOO WORTH IT. i definitely learned a lot just from that process bc it makes you think and reflect a lot all throughout. weeee

if youre even thinking about applying please GO FOR IT (well as long as ur in the right age limit, 16-18.... and also make sure you’ve done some research to get a feel for it).. but just DO IT. and u can ask me questions if u want and ill answer to the best of my personal ability (but remember that im just one person and one experience and each person’s experience is completely different)

here is the general website btw:

https://www.uwc.org/

i will probably do another post to explain UWC - at least in my own words and perspective!

<3 <3 <3

[alicesaupairland-blog]

21/11/2018 11:38 PM, As awake as the dead I can't sleep and I don't know what to do with myself so I might as well write it down on the Internet for a bunch of random people to gawk at. Well, what's happening to me right now is that, I feel this anxiety about how I'm deliberately skipping my exam today. Look, I can't take it anymore and no one will understand because it will take hours, probably even days or months to explain 24 years of bullshit that landed me in the position I that I currently occupy. But maybe talking to myself about it won't take as many hours, days or months. (Hold that thought, I don't understand why the font keeps changing on this god damn tumbler app) Anyway, tumbler please don't kick me off your app, I quite like writing in this manner, it's seemingly therapeutic. Agh there you go, the font is smaller again and my inner ODC, alter ego thing is now settled. Kay, look I'm doing this on my phone so it's absolute shit. I'm a much better writer on Microsoft word, you know, thesaurus is bae.

Now where was I?

I was right about to tell you about the 24 years of my life that are apparently inducing my body with enough anxiety to steal away my sleep, well that and also the fact that my sleeping patterns are fucked up, so I also took a 2 hour nap during the day.

Seriously! Let's be fucking done with the continuous small talk and introductions and also avoiding the fact that I don't know how to start this 24 year old long story, and just begin!

I set an alarm on my phone to wake up at approximately 4:30 AM to take a ViaVan to my boyfriends house and hide away with him till 2:00 PM because everyone, including my host family thinks I'm going to write my Real Analysis exam. Strange, I know. Now very briefly I will say that I got caught up in the fun of Amsterdam and all of a sudden its 2 and a half weeks away from my exams. I start to freak out, anxiety kicks in and I simply run away from everything, especially the exams.

"They're just exams! Doesn't make sense for her to freak out that bad over exams"

I know that's what you're thinking, but that is what makes this story so interesting. It's strange and peculiar. It's unique and it will give you perspective on-a bunch of stuff, that if summarized will ruin the story. So hush, hush dear your curiosity will be rejoiced soon.

Now back to the story. I'm going to pretend to be writing an exam and the only people who know I'm pretending is my boyfriend and his mum. (Sorry, pause again here's some in between information.)

I am Alice, and Alice does not give a flying fuck about what anyone thinks of the things I do say. Now I don't always say things, I am very careful about how and when I speak because when I do I am extremely, explicitly and utterly honest. There is no filter, precise enough to refine my thoughtful voice. I am flat out blunt and when I say what I want to say I think really clear and deeply (maybe too deeply) about it so if it hurts you, it was meant to, if it offends you, it was supposed to, if it arouses you don't be surprised and if it comforts you appreciate it. Now I've registered my tumbler name as my own, but who the fuck knows I even exist, all I have is a brain damaged boyfriend and a few euros a month. But I love and respect this brain damaged boyfriend very much so I'm going to call him Joey.

In approximately 5 hours and 3 minutes I will be getting ready to make my way over to a hopefully, warm and asleep Joey. I'm going to wake him up, only if he wants to. I'm going to hold him and make him feel taken cared of and loved. And then I will lay with him till I can tell what he feels like doing. Knowing Joey, he's going to want to fuck me, he will grab me and start pushing his hard dick against me. And I don't mind, I love it when a man wants me, but I love it more when a man makes me feel wanted. So maybe we'll fuck, and maybe if I'm lucky it'll last just shy of 4 minutes and no I probably won't get to cum. But for godsake I love this boy so much and I don't know what to do about the bad sex. Nor does he. And we have this conversation and argument almost every day I spend with him. He's really insecure about it and I love him too much to see him feel bad about himself so all I can do is encourage him. Although sometimes I feel like I need to stop this immediately or I will end up feeling used and that will change the way I look at him and I really don't want that but I just don't know what to do.

22/11/2018

4:46 AM, sitting in the ViaVan on my way to Joey

Sorry for the drift off but I fell asleep and content. Although just before that, I spent some time thinking about how to solve the sexual dilemma between Joey and I. And the only thing that I could think of is "try harder Alice". Anyway, I'm now on my way to him and am definitely over thinking the outcome of my anxieties and sexual frustrations. Can't wait to see what happens!

11:35 PM, Alice's laying some what comfortablely in bed

I don't know what my host mums, mum put in that pea soup but it's got me pooping and farting, as if I were back in SA and had eaten some extra hot Nando's chicken for dinner. I've been in Amsterdam for- I just counted 187 days and I've eaten everywhere and everything and never been sick not once. What on Earth, did she do to the food? It couldn't have been what I cooked. Everything I cook, from the spices to the freaking water us fresh and organic and that's a story for another day. Okay fuck this I cannot concentrate.

Something is up with Joey. I have really good intuition and I feel him drifting. He's with friends almost every night of the week, going out almost every night of the week and it's strange, it's all of a sudden. I don't mind, I want him to live his life but it's just odd. And Joey used to call me every single day. Every single day, like 3 times a day and now he calls maybe once a week. Its strange. I don't like it. And I need to figure out why.

Now I've got this uncomfortable, unsettling feeling within me and it's unfortunate because I had so many interesting things to write about. But this is how the cookie crumbles. The universe needs to balance out in some way and I guess after having such a wonderful day, here's the shit part of it that has to make it real. See, I don't feel the way I do because I'm an obsessive lunatic, I feel this way because Joey and I are extremely close and I can sense the gravitation of something being odd. One more thing, before Joey met me, he was a complete fuck boy, in fact the day he met me he thought he was going to get an easy fuck and then chase her away. Well it didn't happen and now we're together for approximately 117 days. (That's almost 4 months). Is this what happens around 4 months of being in love? You just start drifting? I just don't understand because today, in the morning, it was incredible with him. We had great sex and we did it twice, we had great food, he walked me to the bus stop and waited with me for the bus (which was a 20 minute waste of time because I thought that the tram wasn't working but it was). Its just confusing. It's like he's completely in love with me and then completely forgets me. Well he does definitely have brain damage. I don't know, it's just unusual.

So I'm not good at this blog thing and I don't know how to really do it but here's my first post. There'll be more to come, I promise.

Oh bloody hell I forgot to continue with my 24 year old long story.

Anyway, good night, ill carry on with it tomorrow.

XXX

Alice

[gottalovelifeya]

First off let me say, I love her and want to be with her some of this may seem mean but all I can do is my best to get the complete msg out there and out there clearly.

Honestly after as open and honest as I've bene, and after putting up with this sick game, after telling her every last thing about myself, and after telling her every feeling I have for her, there's nothing I can say now toake her believe me.

If she throws all that away, because I forgot something wene asked, than honestly Itell still hurt, but I can definitely get over her, and I'm not saying that in a mean way.

These past 3 weeks, I've just had to put up with alot and and bene on a emotional rollercoaster, and you know what, ill still do it and would do it again of there was even a chance with her.

I just have this problem were I need to know information about potential threats/hazards/BS and she's never bene in a world like, were you have to plan for every single outcome were lives could be the price of not doing that, she dosnt understand, but that's one of my flaws I carry from my past, because I've seen a fucked up world were you don't just see your home town, wene your mind is on the globe as a hole and just haveing to consume news and media and know what's going on everywhere becuse you have to be ready to go there in a moment's notice to go fight and die, I spilled blood on the other side of the world so that people here don't have to think the way I do and experience what I've bene threw, you have to transform your mind into a mithoducal and cold calculated risk assessing thing, you have to imbrace that there are people in the world who want, you, your loved ones, and your fellow countrymen dead, all because they just hate that you exist

A good quote that summarizes why I'm this way, and it really speaks volumes

- good men do bad things, so that you can lay your head down at night and never have to see the reality of how terrifying the world is.

you have to fortify your mind and start thinking in a completely different way to love that life, you have to be ready and willing to do so really Hanis shit to keep the people close to you safe weather it's your brothers in arms or your family, because the world is nobody's friend, and I'm a product of the military mind set, it was our job, to find people and distroy them. And how I find people now is a extremely waters down version of why kinds of resources I had than.

But here in good ol' america you don't destroy people, you don't hunt down people, you don't phisicaly hurt someone unless it's a last resort, and a peacful agreement cant be reached. This is all just step to take preventative action latter so a real problem can't happen.

So lets talk about a little backdrop to set the tone for what all that means, so there's this other guy that if me and her got together like I've bene blogging about, I see a possibility of him being a problem, and once I have her I can't loose her to some dumb shit like this game were playing, so if I ever found out, I would go to his house nock on his door, and tell him to quit his shit, and thated be the end of it, and not trying to be scary but I know his name, face, work history, and phone number, and address.

With information like that, you just show up at someone's home and say hey don't fuck with my life or the people in it, and the magority of people in this world would take that as a sign to back off and comply. And thated just be the end of it

These past 3 weeks, All I know is Ive put up with to much shit and bene put threw to much pain and dread, and just living this horrible reality were were she actually is with someone else but have to accept it, because I can't just call him and end it or do some off the wall shit that would ultimately hurt her or make her look bad

So all I'm saying is, if I forgot to say one little detail wene you asked a question the worlds not ending so do t let it. I really am sorry I forgot to say something, but honestly wene I told you I knew his name I didn't know this other stuff, and there's no way it was just 4 days ago that I told you that I told you his name weeks ago.

Cut me a little slack, your not the one getting screwed over. I've bene nothing but good to you and done all you will let me do to help you. So don't throw away all we've talked about and cryed over because if this. I'm on your side, and you know what I just haven't bene treated right in all this, and I put up with it because in the end this life with you would be worth that. but that's not fair to me

Because I'm sorry to say, I've seen the world and know how bad it is, now yes running a background check on a boyfriend might be a little extreme and overkill for the situation, but hey, that's the world I come from, and I just need to know what I'm up against.

So love if you read this, this isn't me being mean or hatefull, I'm just trying to tell my story so I can read it, and figure it out on my side of things, I honestly don't think I did anything worng, I didn't intend to withhold information. Shit just happens, so please don't think bad of me

But that statement towerds the top, if your willing to though this away, or abandon me for a slip up, and just me haveing control over my life, and wanting information, than honestly the illusion will be broken and I'll be fine, if I'm worth that little to you, and if this of all things kills it you realy were just a dream

Again this is for me, this is my story of the night, I still love you, and I still want you, but if you cut off what we got going because you think I'm scary or hideing shit your a lost cause, because I can't fix or change that, that's a you thing at that point.

Don't take offense because your still saying you have to think about it. That's just the outcome of my thot process if you really cant come to terms or just accept that flaw of mine, becuse I accept your flaws, for better or worse, becuse nobody's perfect and love is looking past the flaws and seeing the person, and that why I tell you your perfect because I can see who you are, and I can see your soul and I know your a good person dispite the past and our current challenges.

We've just bene shaped by 2 different worlds, I promise I'm not a bad guy, and I promise I'm not scary, but information is power, and in that game I hold every card and hold It close to my chest. Because if there's ever a real problem itell get handled, because I don't play games on or with people, except for this one scenario we find our selves in now, because I see a light at the end of the tunnel and its your prity little face.

Regardless I'll always be here for you if you call and need something, weather it's me or just help from me. Hell it can litterly be anything you want.

Let me just explain this before I wrap this up, how do I find what I find, how do I know what I know, so anytime someone links there email to something, anytime they make an account, anytime you do anything on the internet, or register a vehicle, claim a asset, or do anything that gets submitted into a data base, you leave a trail behind you. So will call them "crumbs", so whenever someone wants to find something out they can use those "crumbs" to patch everything together, it's all public information, its all out there, anybody can do it, it's just learning to do it is the complicated part and it's something you have to show, I could never explain it to you, now there are hundreds of ways to protect yourself, but once your out there you can never make any of it go away, you can only prevent future "crumbs" from showing up, so it's all out there and anybody, can use the "crumbs" to search who you are and anything about you, everything I found was done legally, and it's all online, its there for the world to see, but again your average person dosnt think like me, because it's almost like a puzzle and you have to take words, emails, and found accounts, and then bend and find trends to find more, I believe it's called analytics but I'm not 100% basically is observation and patterns, and once you learn to see patterns the way I do, all you need is a single crumb, and for me that was his name, and then it leads to everything else. Public records are a scary thing, and the shit people post on the internet is baffling that you'd let random people see your life. I'll teach you about computer security of you want. And how to not leave "crumbs"

So I hope this all gives you something to think about and maby explains my feeling on it, I don't know honestly, I'm just more interested to see if you can except me at this point because I've told you everything and bene 100% honest, and with everything I've put up with in this situation, if you can't accept me now, itell say alot about you as a person, and again itell suck, but if you can't, than I honestly won't want anything to do with you, it would really feel like betrayal honestly, I've full given myself to you, and if this is enough to completely thro you off your game and think I'm a monster or a bad person, than wear not ment to be. I deal with my problems my own way and I make plains and seek information to prevent future problems.

Also that trust problems stuff, it really is just me being upset about the phone blocking thing, I think that's a sick discussting thing to do to someone who loves you. And ied appreciate it if you just never did it again.

And the trust comment about his address, water under the bridge.

So, I really do love you with all my heart, and I really do care about you and appreciate you. And all I want is to build a happy life and family with you.

I am a good person and I will be good to you and our future family, but to anybody who trys to take you or my family, they won't be tolerated. And I just don't see how that's a bad or scary thing, that I'm playing 4D Chess so that issues can't become problems. Hell look at my retirement as an example, I'm 23 and will never have financial problems, I've accounted for the future and played my cards smartly. So I know everything know so that I can peacefully resolve a situation later. That's all it is.

So reach out wene your ready, and I'll respect whatever you have to say about it, wether you accept it or if you don't, for better or worse. Just don't think I'm scary, and don't think any off this is mean, don't think anything bad would ever happen to him. I'm not a thug and I'm not a murderer, I'm simply a guy who looks out for himself and his household.

So just take your time and think, and hell ied almost say wait until you dicide to leave him or not, then reach out, but it's all about how you want this to go, I just know how fragile this is so this will be my last post, and I'll just wait on word from you. So if you read this and don't think I explained it well, or it just dosnt sit right with you.

Than, I love you, always remember I love you, and know in your heart for all my imperfections and all my flaws I love you, and Ill always here for you if you need me

And last but not least this isnt me giving up hope, and I'm not turning my back on you, my feelings are hurt, and my pacints is thin, but none of this is me trying to take It out on you, or me trying to be spitefull to you.

hopefully the next time we talk, you will accept me for me, and yull be single.

I love you

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Seven things finishing my seventh book taught me

Hey People of Earth!

This is kind of nuts to say, and I legitimately did not think I’d be writing this for another month, but uh.

I finished my seventh book.

ahawkvkjncahvbwkdj

So I kind of made a stupid, somewhat fleeting goal this past Friday, as I usually do. And that was to finish this book at all costs.

I didn’t really think I was going to do it. I had a massive school project to finish, and you know, I didn’t really factor finishing my seventh book to be a thing that I’d actually. I just made a pretty far-fetched goal, and thought it’d be interesting to see how far I got with it by Sunday night.

And I did it... I really did it, and it’s kind of insane to think that I actually did it.

I don’t know who follows my writing updates on here, but if you have been, you’d know that this has been the hardest book I have ever written in my entire life. No joke. So far, FOSTERED #4 has been so difficult for me to write, for a lot of reasons. First off: new content. I was writing about something so greatly out of my comfort zone, and this was a little harder to do than anticipated. The story really changed from its usual action-adventure type of arc, and morphed into something super dark and elaborate.

I brought out parts of my cast that I didn’t even know existed. The book really didn’t branch off from my main cast (around four characters), so it was vital to flesh them out in ways I hadn’t in the previous three books. Overall, the book only followed six people in total that really made a huge impact on the storyline. (Small casts for some reason are a thing I do. I don’ t know why I do that thing, but it continues to be a consistently recurring thing I do.)

Yeah, I’ll be honest--this book was emotionally draining on me. On top of my insane semester, it was so hard for me to push through this book as quickly as I usually do. To this day, this novel’s taken me the longest to write, ever. I started it in July, and finished it yesterday, on the 22nd of January. That’s six and a half months. Almost 200 entire days. That’s double my average drafting time. And it’s not like it was a behemoth of a book like book three was (with DOUBLE the word count, written for an overall period of five months). It’s final WC clocks in at a little over 114k words.

For me (and of course, this is just my pace, you may work differently), this was a major indication that this book was giving me a hard time. And not because of lack of plot-direction, but because I was having a hard time believing in the novel itself. I’d hate every chapter I’d write, but keep writing anyway, and that’s the thing with this book. I almost had to force myself to get it out there because I hardly believed in it as a whole.

This isn’t just because of the plot (which is hardly the reason), but has more to do with my writing. I had some major self-doubt when writing this book because it seemed as though I’d completely bombed in the writing department, and reversed the years of practice I’ve had. I felt like book four was a load of actual shit when writing the entire book from start to finish. And looking back on it, that’s kind of sad. Because the writing is some of the best I’ve produced--and while it’s not perfect by any means, these last couple weeks have really showed me that it’s really not nearly as terrible as I thought it was.

So yes. Ramble over. I just wanted to be completely honest with you guys, because writing this book was not a good experience for me, enjoyment-wise. Finishing it is another story. When I wrote that final sentence yesterday, I felt like I’d done something. I usually don’t feel much besides some nostalgia after finishing my books, but when I finished this one... It was like, I knew I poured my soul into every word written, and I was so incredibly proud of myself for doing so.

To end on a lighter note, here I am to list seven things writing this book taught me.

1. Writing a book is really, really, really, really hard.

So, I personally never had an issue with writing my other six books, honestly. It was like continuous waves of euphoria when writing--some minor struggles, here and there, and one major bump in the road, but beyond that, writing was easy.

AND THEN BOOK FOUR CAME.

I’ve outlined my struggles with writing this book above, but yeah, I kind of realized while writing this book that every book requires different things, and some are hella harder to write than others.

2. Sometimes, writing seems like my greatest strength, and my worst enemy.

What I mean by this is... Writing is something I love with all of my heart, and more than anything--it’s my passion. But while I love it, that admiration and care I have for writing is what makes me feel the most insecure. Because I love it so much, it’s become something I fear. And this is totally something I’m working on. I fear that my writing’s only getting worse. That my storytelling’s getting worse. That my creativity is dwindling. In reality, none of these things are true. I’ve loved words my entire life, and that’s never going to change. But it’s when doubt mingles with love that things get rough for me. This sucks, but I know it’s something that’ll continue to follow me--and any other creative--for the rest of my life.

3. I need to get off my back sometimes.

With this book, it was hard to look back at something and say I genuinely liked it. Because most of the time, I was so wound up in sadness when it came to the story and where it was going. I kind of forgot why I loved the book and its characters in the first place. I think this is bound to happen eventually to every writer--there’s always going to be that one book that was really hard to write. This book was mine. But I think this is important. It helped me grow. Helped me see the potential in something I really just wanted to finish and never have to deal with again.

4. Writing updates are great.

Yeah, definitely. This was probably the only thing I looked forward to doing when it came to writing this book, lol. I loved sharing my journey with you, and with this book. Writing updates have always been one of my favourite things to do, but with this book... I think they genuinely helped keep me on track when I felt like quitting.

So thank you. To you guys for reading them, and for supporting this blog. :)

5. Music and books might just save your dying project.

So. I figured out the a soundtrack album to this book when I was in NYC listening to Daughter’s Not To Disappear for the first time. That trip kicked off most of my major ideas for this novel, and so did the album. If you’re in a similar position to me right now--hating the project you’re working on--look out for music, and any other sort of creative inspiration.

On the days I was practically forcing myself to write, listening to this album saved me from just quitting. (I seriously hate quitting things guys, this isn’t something I’d even consider usually.) And towards the end of the book, it’s what pumped me up.

To name a few favourites from Daughter (which is all I listen to write this series, even when I wasn’t a huge fan writing book one) that carried me through to the end:

- Numbers, (Not To Disappear)

THIS SONG IS SO FIRE. If you’re into Daughter, and or any sort of indie music, you have to listen to this song. I listened to this on repeat while writing chapter 28 on Friday night.

- Made of Stone (Not To Disappear)

MORE FIRE. This was the first song I really saw as my MC’s theme song, (though Numbers beat it by a hair), and I loooove it. The final line, you’ll find love kid, it exists is lovely.

- Smother (If You Leave)

I’ve been listening to this song since writing book two in 2015, and it’s stuck with me. Gahhhhhhhhh. I’ve been loving their live performance of it live at Tate Britain (because the vocals, Igor’s playing, and the actual video are art). Watch it HERE.

- Doing The Right Things (Not To Disappear)

Also wrote chapter 28 to this gem. It’s so haunting and beautiful...

- Drift

I believe Drift is the b-side to Human (If You Leave), but I could be wrong. Regardless, this song is SO great. If you’re writing any sort of action, or emotional scene, listen to this song. There aren’t any vocals, so it’s awesome to listen to if you get distracted easily! Could not stop listening to this song when writing chapter 28. I repeated it maybe 10 times.

6. I have a writing style?

Yeah... So, I personally haven’t really seen this with my own eyes, but my sister, who reads alllllll of my work noted this, which made me really happy. I mean, a writing style hasn’t been something I’ve been working on, but I guess I see where she’s coming from, which was super, super cool! I think my actual style for this story has remained fairly consistent within the series, and branches out to a more casual style in my contemporaries, but yeah, this was something I actually found myself liking!

7. I love this book, and all of the things it taught me.

Not only did writing this book open me up to issues in today’s society (mental illness, sexual abuse, women’s rights), it helped me understand them in ways I hadn’t expected it would. Also, this book helped me a lot, in ways I didn’t expect. I was able to express grief through the novel (grief for the world, my own struggles, etc), and learn to cope.

I’ve been having probably the worst couple months of my life, and this book is something that kept me grounded. Regardless of the hard times I had writing it, it helped me, even in an incredibly minute way.

And I know... it’s odd to say I love this book when all I’ve expressed is how hard it was to write, but in reality--I really do love it. It’s taken six months to finally realize it, but I am so proud of that book, and myself, and how far I’ve taken my looooooong series thus far. This series has been a solid 500 000 words of my life, and I have zero regrets in contributing to that final number with over 100k words that came from the heart. It might sound stupid to say that I wrote this book and I hated writing most of it, but I regret nothing. But this is honestly the truth. Looking back on it, I will never regret writing this book and deciding to continue my series that was supposed to just be three books. I’m thankful I did, because I learned a lot of things I wouldn’t have if I didn’t write it.

So thanks, FOSTERED #4. For being the hardest thing I’ve written. Because if you weren’t I would not have grown and worked muscles of my brain I didn’t even know existed. And also, for still not having a name, even though it’s been six months, but that’s for another time. ;)

I hope you guys enjoyed this post. I know it’s a little... more emotional than my usual posts, but man, writing this book was emotional as helllll. I’m happy it’s over, but I’m sad it’s gone. I’ll miss this book, but I take away all I learned, and I won’t forget that.

As always, thanks for reading. :)

--Rachel

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 112, July 2018

On Monday morning, I had a job interview for Toll People which are part of the Toll Group, a global logistics company with the nearest office located in Dandenong South. To be honest, I haven’t had much time at all to process this opportunity since receiving the phone call last Friday afternoon from the recruitment consultant, Janella. However, I decided to dive in head first and quickly completed the required online induction and safety modules.

Over the past weekend, my brain has been flooded with many questions: Am I doing the right this pursuing an opportunity that I don’t know much about? Will I be able to fit a new job into my current lifestyle? Will I have to sacrifice and cut out some of my commitments? Will this casual warehouse role be right for me? What if I can’t handle it? What if I don’t enjoy it? All of this boils down to my huge fear of uncertainty and change.

So really this job interview is basically a learning opportunity to grow as a person. To embrace change and take a risk by potentially gaining new employment. The good news is that the ball is basically in my court. If things go pear shaped and it doesn’t sound like the right job for me, then I can always walk away and decline the offer. Also if I can’t seem to make it fit in or becomes overwhelming, the choice will always be there to pull the pin. But at the same time, I do want to give this opportunity a red hot go and see where it takes me. https://tinybuddha.com/blog/7-ways-to-deal-with-uncertainty/

It’s been over a year since my last job interview so of course I was feeling quite nervous and unsure about it. I wanted to make sure I was prepared enough for it in terms of my attire, presentation, what to bring, questions and answers, my skills and abilities. I normally wear standard business attire to job interviews but this part of the email I received last week suggested I should do otherwise:

“During this testing, you will undergo evaluation designed to identify some risk factors that are associated with your potential employment with Toll. This will include requiring you to provide a written medical history/questionnaire and to answer questions at the interview. This written form of assessment and interview will assist with evaluating your overall physical ability to undertake the inherent physical requirements for intended role. Please wear comfortable clothing that will allow you to undertake this task.”

And so I decided to go with neat casual dress and hoped that was appropriate as I didn’t hear back from the recruitment consultant, Janella, over the weekend. So it was a relief of sorts when I discovered most of today’s interview involved filling out copious amounts of paperwork with everything from my personal details and medical history to identification and police checks, superannuation, tax and banking details. It took me about an hour to get through it all as there was about 20 pages to read, fill in and sign.

The nice thing was that I wasn’t the only candidate applying for work which means less pressure on me. The interview itself with Janella was a lot more informal and brief than I expected. She asked a few routine questions to make sure I was still interested in pursuing a casual warehouse hand position, checked through all the paperwork and that was it really. Part of me is overcome with self-doubt and worries about whether this job is right for me but I’m trying hard to remain mildly optimistic about it.

Of course I was still flustered and exhausted as hell by the end of it but I’m really glad that I made the effort to do this. Even if I’m not successful, at least I can say I tried and did my best.  And if it turns out that this job isn’t for me, at least I can say I’ve gone through the interview process and it wasn’t a waste of time. It’s all learning. https://www.tollgroup.com/business-services/recruitment/looking-work

On Monday night, I attended a meditation class at Level Up Yoga in Berwick. Tonight's meditation class hosted by Angelina Morino was based around the theme of HEALING. Being the middle of winter, I usually get very susceptible to colds, flus and various sinus issues plus symptoms like dry mouth, dehydration, sleepiness, muscle tension, physical and mental fatigue and low mood/energy. https://www.aaronpetty.com/meditation/

Ange talked about the fundamental principles of a meditation practice including finding the spaces between thoughts and using the breath as a focal point or anchor. She also discussed how our minds constantly make up stories that aren't necessarily true. This is something I've been continually working on over the years, to let go and dispel of those bullshit claims that my brain is coming up with.

Some of my "stories" include: I am not enough. I don't have any friends. I am weird, boring and uninteresting. Everyone in this room is ignoring me and deliberately excluding me. Nobody likes me. I'm going to be lonely forever. There's something wrong with me. I'm too quiet. I don't speak up enough.

A lot of this comes from how comfortable I am with myself and having self-acceptance. That means accepting every single part of who I am, the good and the bad. It also means ridding myself of things that no longer serve me: negative thoughts, toxic emotions and self-doubt. It's a difficult process for me having severe mental illness but I've got to keep working at it everyday.

Tonight was a great example of why most of the above stories are bullshit. If those things were true, Aaron Petty wouldn't have hugged me on arrival or asked about my job interview today. Angelina Morino wouldn't have said hello, grabbed my props and offered me a muffin. And the other students wouldn't have said hi and acknowledged my existence. I am definitely not alone and I am very much enough. https://www.aaronpetty.com/teaching-schedule/

On Tuesday night, I had my YardFIT group training session at The Yard Strength & Fitness in Pakenham. I was burning the candle at both ends a little today after being out of the house for a total of 6 hours. I did a CX Works group fitness class at YMCA Casey ARC (I can feel my glutes burning) plus a half hour session on the treadmill. The new CX Works release was pretty tough with lots of tracks using the resistance bands and trying to incorporate Pilates movements. I’m surprised I didn’t get tangled up in the bands! I then drove straight to Frankston and parked in the multi-level carpark near Hoyts Australia FRANKSTON. http://w3.lesmills.com/israel/en/classes/cxworx/music-tracklists/

Of course I didn’t really anticipate the school holidays crowds which means more traffic on the road, more congestion, more time needed to find parking, more parents and kids everywhere and a long queue at the candy bar. Thankfully I managed to grab an exclusive Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom dinosaur drink cup with Blue the velociraptor on the top (Yes I’m a dinosaur geek and also love collecting stuff, what of it?). I really enjoyed watching JW:FK a second time even with the kid next door randomly asking me 20 questions before it started. https://www.hoyts.com.au/movies/jurassic-world-fallen-kingdom

PEAK HOUR TRAFFIC! It took me about an hour to get home from Frankston even with some quick decision making in going an alternative route. But inevitably I was going to get stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. Of course I forgot about the large round-a-bout on Hall Road. But never mind, I just wanted to get home so I could eat something and have some downtime before going out again.

I was feeling mentally exhausted by the time I got to The Yard and perhaps it was a good thing that I didn’t rush myself to get there by 5.30pm. I was just me and Rodney Millar tonight. We worked on a lot of mobility, stretches and muscle activation through the glutes, hips, hammies and back. To warm up, Mandi Herauville drew from a deck of playing cards and corresponded these to a particular exercise including ring rows, med ball snatches, jabs on the punching bag, burpees, squats, lunges and push-ups.

For tonight’s WOD, we did a modified version of the FILTHY FIFTY. As the name implies, we had to do 50 reps of each of the movements which is very tough. These included: Box Jumps (Step Ups), Jumping Pull-ups, Kettle Bell Swings, Overhead Bar Presses (Med Ball Snatches), Knees to Elbows, Wall Balls, Burpees (Supported with a box) and Double Unders (Single Skips). Rodney and I were both stuffed after just 15 minutes and Mandi knew when to draw the line. https://www.boxrox.com/crossfit-workouts/others/filthy-fifty/

That’s the thing I love about Mandi as a personal trainer and coach. She knows exactly when to back off or modify a workout if things are becoming too difficult and not achievable for the client. She can also be really blunt and direct with a strong “no bullshit” radar but she is always coming from a good place. Even during the final cool down, she reminded us that life can be really tough and we should be proud of our efforts both at the gym and in life.

“I fall into the ocean, I fly into the sky. All my broken emotion is slowly drifting by. The further I go into myself. The more I find, then I find, I need someone else.”     Evermore - Into The Ocean (Calling You) (2004)

“Leave the TV on to fill the empty air. Loneliness sinks in, like ink into my skin. Should have seen it all. The climb before the fall. I held to what we shared. But now its disappeared.” Evermore - Come To Nothing (2004)

[ber39james]

These Books Will Help You Truly Relax on Vacation

“An adventure awaits,” “an escape from the ordinary”— travel ads often promise journeyers a chance to leave the ennui of their normal lives. But did you know that you don’t have to board a plane reach an exotic, remote location? In escapist literature, writers create a rich, absorbing environment for their characters. Readers live vicariously in a captivating alternative reality. While the characters in the novel run for their lives or fall head over heels in love, the readers unwind and enjoy the experience from the safety of the real world. These books will enhance your relaxing getaway.

At the Water’s Edge by Sara Gruen

At the Water’s Edge, according to The Globe and Mail, is “a compelling comfort read with an odd plot.” The Hyde family emigrates from the United States to Scotland. Moving to a different country doesn’t sound too strange until you realize they do it to prove that the Loch Ness monster is real. Ellis, the young heir of the family, is not alone in this endeavor; cryptozoology is the study of creatures whose existence has not been proven (or disproven) by scientific evidence. However, for Ellis, uncovering the mystery of the Loch Ness monster equates to saving his family name from dishonor. The farther you follow the exploits of this dysfunctional family, the farther you will leave your cares behind.

The Cuckoo’s Calling by Robert Galbraith

Have you heard of newbie writer Robert Galbraith? As you read this mystery, you may notice that the so-called unknown author has some serious writing chops. The story follows Cormoran Strike, a veteran who lost a leg while on duty, who now makes his living as a private investigator. His newest case deals with the apparent suicide of a supermodel. Her brother John doesn’t think his sister killed herself, and it’s up to Cormoran to find out the truth. The Guardian reports that readers have “never met [a detective] quite like Strike.” In particular, he has an uncanny knowledge of women’s fashion and a keen nose. These two facts give a clue to the true identity of the author. Galbraith seems to know a lot about the ins and outs of film sets. Could it be that seven previous novels about a boy wizard published under his real name yielded eight major motion pictures? If you are still stumped, here’s a final clue: The author shares first and middle initials with an author-economist whose last name is also Galbraith.

How to Murder Your Life by Cat Marnell

It’s not easy to completely destroy your life when you begin with all the advantages. Fifteen-year-old Cat Marnell went to a fancy boarding school. She had access to the best things in life. She was miserable. Unable to provide for her emotional needs, her psychiatrist father did what he knew how to do—prescribe medicine. She quickly graduated from ADHD medicine to Xanax, Ecstasy, and beyond. Was her life completely in the gutter already? No, don’t forgot her connections. She landed a cushy high-profile job at Condè Nast as a magazine article editor. While most successful twenty-somethings were shopping for clothes and hi-tech gadgets, Cat was shopping for drugs. Of course, she couldn’t do it on the street—Condè Nast would have certainly frowned on that. She acquired them straight from the doctor’s office by pretending to have whatever mental illness necessary. Eventually her lifestyle did catch up with her, and her honest report of the aftermath will leave you counting your blessings. How to Murder Your Life is one of Glamour magazine’s Best Books of 2017. Will it make your list too?

I Am a Cat by Natsume Sōseki

Goodreads describes I Am a Cat as “one of the most original and unforgettable works in Japanese literature.” Translated from its original Japanese into English, the novel retains its rich allegories and captivating prose. The story begins with a strangely observant stray kitty with no name. If you like to people watch, you will love to see how the world is interpreted through the eyes of a sneakily silent feline. Don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s all a cute story; the author addresses deep issues about the social issues of the Meiji period, history, art, and Chinese philosophy in this unique satire.

Your travel adventures don’t have to end on the beach. Books can also provide “an escape from the ordinary.” Are you going on a vacation soon? If so, you have two things to do. First, decide where you want to go. Second, choose the books that will transport you to exotic locals as you relax. Enjoy your trip!

The post These Books Will Help You Truly Relax on Vacation appeared first on Grammarly Blog.

from Grammarly Blog https://www.grammarly.com/blog/relaxing-vacation-reads/

[arthur36domingo]

These Books Will Help You Truly Relax on Vacation

“An adventure awaits,” “an escape from the ordinary”— travel ads often promise journeyers a chance to leave the ennui of their normal lives. But did you know that you don’t have to board a plane reach an exotic, remote location? In escapist literature, writers create a rich, absorbing environment for their characters. Readers live vicariously in a captivating alternative reality. While the characters in the novel run for their lives or fall head over heels in love, the readers unwind and enjoy the experience from the safety of the real world. These books will enhance your relaxing getaway.

At the Water’s Edge by Sara Gruen

At the Water’s Edge, according to The Globe and Mail, is “a compelling comfort read with an odd plot.” The Hyde family emigrates from the United States to Scotland. Moving to a different country doesn’t sound too strange until you realize they do it to prove that the Loch Ness monster is real. Ellis, the young heir of the family, is not alone in this endeavor; cryptozoology is the study of creatures whose existence has not been proven (or disproven) by scientific evidence. However, for Ellis, uncovering the mystery of the Loch Ness monster equates to saving his family name from dishonor. The farther you follow the exploits of this dysfunctional family, the farther you will leave your cares behind.

The Cuckoo’s Calling by Robert Galbraith

Have you heard of newbie writer Robert Galbraith? As you read this mystery, you may notice that the so-called unknown author has some serious writing chops. The story follows Cormoran Strike, a veteran who lost a leg while on duty, who now makes his living as a private investigator. His newest case deals with the apparent suicide of a supermodel. Her brother John doesn’t think his sister killed herself, and it’s up to Cormoran to find out the truth. The Guardian reports that readers have “never met [a detective] quite like Strike.” In particular, he has an uncanny knowledge of women’s fashion and a keen nose. These two facts give a clue to the true identity of the author. Galbraith seems to know a lot about the ins and outs of film sets. Could it be that seven previous novels about a boy wizard published under his real name yielded eight major motion pictures? If you are still stumped, here’s a final clue: The author shares first and middle initials with an author-economist whose last name is also Galbraith.

How to Murder Your Life by Cat Marnell

It’s not easy to completely destroy your life when you begin with all the advantages. Fifteen-year-old Cat Marnell went to a fancy boarding school. She had access to the best things in life. She was miserable. Unable to provide for her emotional needs, her psychiatrist father did what he knew how to do—prescribe medicine. She quickly graduated from ADHD medicine to Xanax, Ecstasy, and beyond. Was her life completely in the gutter already? No, don’t forgot her connections. She landed a cushy high-profile job at Condè Nast as a magazine article editor. While most successful twenty-somethings were shopping for clothes and hi-tech gadgets, Cat was shopping for drugs. Of course, she couldn’t do it on the street—Condè Nast would have certainly frowned on that. She acquired them straight from the doctor’s office by pretending to have whatever mental illness necessary. Eventually her lifestyle did catch up with her, and her honest report of the aftermath will leave you counting your blessings. How to Murder Your Life is one of Glamour magazine’s Best Books of 2017. Will it make your list too?

I Am a Cat by Natsume Sōseki

Goodreads describes I Am a Cat as “one of the most original and unforgettable works in Japanese literature.” Translated from its original Japanese into English, the novel retains its rich allegories and captivating prose. The story begins with a strangely observant stray kitty with no name. If you like to people watch, you will love to see how the world is interpreted through the eyes of a sneakily silent feline. Don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s all a cute story; the author addresses deep issues about the social issues of the Meiji period, history, art, and Chinese philosophy in this unique satire.

Your travel adventures don’t have to end on the beach. Books can also provide “an escape from the ordinary.” Are you going on a vacation soon? If so, you have two things to do. First, decide where you want to go. Second, choose the books that will transport you to exotic locals as you relax. Enjoy your trip!

The post These Books Will Help You Truly Relax on Vacation appeared first on Grammarly Blog.

from Grammarly Blog https://www.grammarly.com/blog/relaxing-vacation-reads/