#ill also be honest and say that im doing a lot of learning right now

[feech]

Thanks for this. I really appreciate. I do want to say that had I not found your post I was going to make my own post about this moment BECAUSE it hit me so hard as a white person. But this was an all black show for a reason and I'm trying to amplify black voices as best I can. I am NOT staying silent right now. im am doing everything I can right now to listen and learn and then spread that information (specifically to a few family members). It's not that i don't think it's my place or that I don't have anything to contribute. It's that I KNOW that black people have a deeper understanding of this than I do and they dont need to hear my thoughts. My dad on the other hand who said he was "not bothered one way or the other" absolutely does need to hear my take though because quite frankly he should be bothered. It should upset him and his humanity to look at and think about where all the symbolism in this performance comes from and what it means.

The internet does not need my take in this particular conversation because there are millions of people with lived experience that can and will say it better. The white people in my life who don't understand? Those are the people that i need to talk to because they're not even aware that they're doing it but they aren't ready to hear these things from black people yet. Its my job right now to make sure that they are examining why that is. Its my job right now to listen to black people and help spread their words and to help protect them from the people who aren't willing to learn.

this part of kendricks halftime show has been on my mind violently since i saw it.

the street lights, chalk outline dead bodies (red clearly symbolizing bloods, blue crips, which is only more proven by Serena doing the Crip Walk wearing all blue), and the only ones left alive and dancing are the ones in white (who clearly represent white people)

and the way theyre in a circle on the upper left hand of the rectangle makes it look like the betsy ross flag

kendrick lamar the man you are

[vespertin-y]

OKAY I FINALLY WATCHED GRAVITY FALLS. TEN YEARS LATE I KNOW. i was expecting to have to power through a bunch of boring kid stuff to get to the actual interesting drama and i was so so wrong i locked tf in and finished it in two days. it's so good what the actual fuck. heres my thoughts on the main characters

mabel: when i was the actual target audience for this show i saw a bit of mabel while flipping through disney XD and i immediately concluded that she was annoying af and i would never watch this show because of her. i would like to repent for this evil evil take by flinging myself belly down onto shattered glass. MABEL MY BABY GIRL...if they ever put her in another Situation or Scenario ill kill someone fr. she's a little too selfish and a little too pushy sure but so genuinely KIND and SWEET and so willing to make a fool of herself to pull her dumb brother out of his head. that unicorn doesn't know jack i hope she gets everything she wants forever

dipper: if i had watched gf as a kid i would have been in very real danger of naming myself after this guy (which doesn't even work bc im not nearly as cool as him!! the woodland creatures would have eaten my ass). it would've been so easy to give him a generic gaining confidence arc but he is never a coward when it really matters and i think that's great. he may not be able to talk to a girl but he can and will beat a gnome to death with a shovel for touching his sister!!! also yeah he is extremely transgender.

stan: OUUUUUGH. STARTS SOBBING. stanley pines the man that you are. i assumed at first that his plot would be about Learning To Love but no he is 100% on board with being the world's best grunkle from minute one. he definitely fucks up sometimes (putting waddles outside comes to mind as does. The Other Thing) but he always tries his very best to fix it. every action he takes just oozes with care for his family. every time i thought he had a motivation that wasn't his family they pulled the rug out from under me and revealed that it was, in fact, just his family again. he would give everything for them. AND HE LITERALLY DOES??? im gonna vomit. he hand stitched fishing hats 😭😭😭

wendy: definitely my least favorite of the main cast im sorry wendyheads...i just feel like there isn't a lot to get into here. every time they imply there's something more going on with her or her family they just snap her right back into The Coolest Girl In The World which might be fun but it's not that interesting.

soos: SOOS MY FRIEND SOOS!!!! i wobbled on him during the middle of the show bc i felt like they were making him Genuinely Dumb instead of just a good babysitter but they pulled his characterization back around by the end i think. he is like me in that he would also die for the mystery twins without hesitation or regret 💖. a lesser show would've been really mean about soos but gf is BASED and SOOSPILLED so he gets what he deserves. he does not have to lose weight or drop his "childish" interests or stop living with his grandma to WIN AT LIFE. awesome girlfriend! dream job! big house! stan using that boat to hunt down his bio dad and kill him, probably!

ford: ill be honest and admit i hated this guy at first but eventually i learned to live laugh love about his massive incredibly fragile ego ruining everything all the time and now i am a big ford enjoyer. what a FREAK oh my god. he believed his journals to be capable of destroying the world and still refused to destroy them because they're His Life's Work????? he had the painfully obvious option to tell bill he didn't know the equation and stall for time and chose instead to say that OBVIOUSLY he knows it he's the SMARTEST MAN ALIVE he's just not TELLING YOU 😤 and then immediately got tortured????? he spent most of his screentime projecting his relationship issues onto an Actual Child?????????? he needs to go to therapy and learn he's not the main character of the universe but he will not be doing that so i can only hope the boat fixes him. if i was stanley i'd've fed him to the shapeshifter.

bill: SIGH. YES OKAY HE'S MY FAVORITE. I KNOW I'M FUCKING PREDICTABLE DON'T @ ME. i spent 90% of his screentime cracking up and the other 10% making Homosexual Detection Eyebrows at my brother! the ideal ratio!!!!! i can't wait to get my hands on the book so i can poor little meowmeow him more efficiently. i knew i was saving that barnes & noble gift card for something important.

[strawbubbysugar]

hello hello

heres me having thoughts on morgans situation

so ill be honest, when i first read that morgan was in P&S my first reaction was also "bitch gtfo" and a lot of what they said also made me sit there like "...oh really? you say that like we never felt like that either" but i have decided to go apeshit instead

now here i am analyzing their character and thinking about wut they couldve done that wouldnt have ended up in them getting stabbed (exaggeration)

so we can obviously agree on the abusive part. manipulation, gaslighting, etc. and it seems that morgan still feels like they were in the right for what they did (correct me if im wrong, this is just what im interpreting) as they dont say things like "im sorry for what i did" but rather "i was just trying to help." now, ofc, nobody is obligated to forgive their abuser, but im just thinking that morgan wouldve had a higher chance of being forgiven if they actually said sorry sincerely and fully understood that what they did was wrong and not just "i was trying to help" (which seems to always be their go-to defense instead of admitting they were wrong). but ofc thats a natural reaction as most people dont realize that what theyre doing is abusive and they fully believe that what theyre doing is right.

now theres also "well their soulmate died at a young age and they didnt want to be alone." yes, that garners them sympathy points, but it is not an excuse, its a reason. an excuse gives them an immediate out, a reason tells you why they did what they did so you can understand better, but it does not release them from all consequences.

also, i have severe abandonment issues, so i understand the feeling of not wanting to be alone and the crippling fear it gives. but just bc i have trauma does not mean that im allowed to go around and do whatever morgan did then when the consequences slap me in the face i pull out my uno reverse and go "i have trauma you cant be mad" (another exaggeration)

also this isnt me hating on morgan, i find them to be a fascinating character. this is just me over analyzing atp.

but in conclusion, morgan needs to realize what they did was wrong, get some therapy, and learn from their mistakes to become a better person. well... thats if they live-

uhhh i probably got some of this wrong but yeah these are my thoughts-

insert sparkle on jerma gif here

I really really adore this analysis, thank you for putting so much time & love into it!!! <3

[griancraft]

Ok as per my last post. This is Long and very much about my feelings so uh don’t read it if you don’t want to. Also I’m aware I sound genujneky crazy for half of this I’m just really really mentally ill in ways I don’t talk about here at all and now I am sharing them and it’s. A little scary but oh well. The system stuff is the stuff I’m most concerned about right now to be honest bc it effects my day to day and if anyone has any kind words or thoughts on what to do I’ll be happy to listen

Please read my previous post if you’re mad /gen I don’t think I say anything bad here but I have really bad morality ocd so like uhm I am scared to post this!!! Prev post

Also I’m very sorry that the prose is terrible to read and my spelling is shit I have dyspraxia which is a coordination thing and it’s worse rn

The maybe I was boring album came on yesterday while I was cleaning and I had to stop what I was doing and turn it off halfway through because I just couldn’t stop hearing an admission. I wasn’t even sad I was just. So done with it. I still am just kinda like. God I hope Shelby is doing ok with all this being public now. I’m glad she was able to heal like she said and I’m glad she made the video dude.

I almost got his lyrics tattooed if that’s testament to how much I loved his early music. It’s not connecting in my brain that this music that’s been apart of my life for like 4 years and helped me through so much was made by an abuser.

But like, in retrospect you can see it. I can’t bear to delete ycgma off my mp3 player bc I related to his songs so much as an abused lonely teenager but I also can’t bare to listen to it. I learned the fall on my guitar as my final exam and I used to repeat his lyrics to myself to cope with abuse and I wish I could still love these songs. I dressed like his dsmp character bc I thought it made me look cool. Which is lame as fuck to admit now lol

Originally I was planning on pirating them and I like, can’t especially after that manipulative ass statement. How much was an act? I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m a bad person because I still kinda do want to listen to that music again. I still want to feel that safe but I know I won’t feel that way anymore.

with dsmp stuff I think I’m going to be still able to look back fondly on it generally and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. The community was what made it and the community is what I loved, and i still do. I don’t think I’m going to reblog art of him specifically but if he’s in it I might. Idk. My policy on dream fanart is if he’s not alone in the art and it’s dsmp or mcc related I reblog so I guess I’ll continue that here. Im sorry if that sounds callous I just. Am not prepared to talk about this so I’m going back and forth

And like. We also have a wilbur factive/fictive and we have for years now and nobody in our system knows how to feel about that. He formed to fill the role of a big brother (I was being heavily emotionally neglected at that point and needed someone to be there for me) and protector from my parents abuse. Obviously, he is entirely separate from his source now bc alters change a lot for me but how we picture him is still wilbur. he’s literally just some guy now but grappling with that connection is fucked up dude it’s weird. He’ll probably further distance himself but it still fucking sucks and I don’t know how to communicate the cognitive dissonance we had to push through bc our brain struggled at first to make sense of how this person who we liked so much that he became the template for a Protector to shield us from the emotional neglect and abuse, essentially, is a terrible person. I’m sorry I know people who aren’t systems, and some who are ngl, will find this fuckibg nuts and I get that but we’re a very very internal person like I just. Kinda am with us as a system a lot and nobody else. It feels like my safe space that I’ve created in my head has been marred. Also. uhm. Our alters speak in distinct voices so it’s bad bad for me rn and we are trying to fix it. I know I know fictives and factives arenttheir source but that doesn’t change that it makes me feel gross. I’m rambling rn I’m sorry. Support Shelby.

[trickstarbrave]

20 Questions for Writers

i got tagged by @throughtrialbyfire !!! idk who wants to be tagged though so if you see it. you can do it too :]

ill also answer under a read more

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

24!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

572,669. i have a disease that makes me incapable of shutting up

3. What fandoms do you write for?

i write for TES right now tbh but i've also written for yugioh and fire emblem three houses

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Consequences (fe3h) 1,483 Our Den (fe3h) 1,244 The Secrets We Share to Those We Love (MHA) 946 The World Eater's Eyrie (skyrim) 666 (LMAOOOOO nice) Alduin's Bane (skyrim) 569 (also nice)

5. Do you respond to comments?

god i try to. i love getting comments i just sometimes dont know what to say. i try to stay on top of reading them and responding if i can. if i havent replied to ur comment. i am stupid.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

most of my fics dont have endings tbh. i have either never finished them or they are just nice little one shots. however Siblings (fe3h) with twin byleths where one kills the other was pretty angsty ngl

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

uhhhhhh this is a problem yet again where most of mine are just happy little one shots or are unfinished. but i think To Walk the World with You Again (morrowind) is very happy. it hurts a lot in the beginning but ends with a happy loving reunion :>

8. Do you get hate on fics?

the closest i got was someone saying on Consequences (fe3h) that it shouldnt be tagged as M/M and instead M/F bc byleth was trans but other ppl ripped into them. i havent gotten rly terrible hate since fanfiction.net

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

all the time. i think i am primarily a smut author if im being honest. i just wanna watch my blorbos bone. as for what kind uhhhhh theres multiple kinds????

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

i dont think i have. i am just boring tbh

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

again not that i know of but if anyone wants to i wouldnt be against it

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

YES the cannibal au for 5ds with my lil bro. i still think abt that au all the time tbh. it was angsty. it was dramatic. it was complicated. it was filled with hard moral dilemmas and gods with non-human morality and a lot of mythology shit. sad we never finished it tbh but life was getting hectic.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

i dont know. rn i think its nerevoryn but trickstarshipping (where i got my url namesake from) still holds a special place in my heart <3)

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Ghosts of the Past (svsss). i really do like the story and had a bunch of it planned out mentally. qinghua's father was going to disown him when qinghua was going to tell him he was dating mobei and refused to hear qinghua out, there was gonna be drama with qinghua's family too where his dad says he firmly believes qinghua is actually the son of his identical twin brother who had an affair with qinghua's mother (his father was already cheating on his mom and she was wrong to do that, but no he is in fact the child of his bio-dad even being disowned). they then spend a summer vacation living together getting an apartment, go visit his uncle, and qinghua learns to enjoy his creative passions while finishing his degree with mobei and shen yuan's help, etc etc

the ending was going to be at a christmas party where qinghua's father catches a glimpse of qinghua at a company party. his wife (qinghua's former step-mother and the revealed mother of qinghua's half siblings rather than step siblings like qinghua grew up believing) thinks hes here to crash the party only for them to see he's there as mobei's boyfriend. his dad then tries to get in good with mobei who just brushes him off with "ah right, i know you. you're qinghua's uncle (since he refused to believe he is actually qinghua's father and it must be his twin brother he resented for being artistic and sensitive). i didnt think you were that close, why are you bothering me?"

qinghua goes on to be an accountant at the company, pretty high up too, and his father ends up quitting out of embarrassment and mobei being especially hard on him once he takes over for the company. he also continues to write his trashy novel while he and mobei plan to get married.

but tbh. i have morrowind brainworms. idk if i will ever finish it. sucks that one of the few stories i had all planned out with cdrama levels of bullshit i was really looking forward to going ham on i lost my motivation for when my hyperfixation changed.

i also wanna finish alduin's bane. i have a lot planned for that i could also spend an insane amount of time explaining. im hoping that the motivation for that one comes back though rather than me simply saying i probably wont finish it

16. What are your writing strengths?

i dont know 🧍‍♂️ if anyone wants to tell me i would appreciate it. i think it is like. i am primarily a romance author so i like working on dialogue, character interaction, stuff like that. ive also gotten compliments on my world building but idk if thats just my ideas or how i write them into the world.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

i feel like i struggle with pacing and motivation. as well as stuff like war tactics and full on battles. again i write mostly romance i dont know why i torture myself with stories about war

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

its very hard. ive seen ppl do it well but i find it difficult to read bc i am stupid. even with notes and flicking back and forth i feel like its a struggle to understand even if the goal was to obfuscate the meaning from the audience as well. usually i just do another language in bold font and make it clear the characters are speaking another language. but honestly do whatever you want forever

19. First fandom you wrote for?

i think it was in fact yugioh. i had ocs and daydreamed up storylines but i dont think i really sat down to write a fic until i was 12-13 and was writing a tendershipping fic in one of my notebooks at school lol

20. Favorite fic you've written?

tie between Alduin's Bane and Moon and Star. i love my long ass TES fics where i just go ham and play around with the world building and mythology. its a lot of fun and i feel like ive gotten to be very creative in the setting and make something unique and fun with the storylines given in both skyrim and morrowind

thanks for the tag <3 this was a lot of fun and thank u for reading if you did

[honuofhawaii]

Cyclone

So what do you guys think about Cyclone? Most fandom interpretation seems to be decently positive, like he’s closed off but ultimately a good guy…and its valid I guess…and I suppose it says good things that look for the best in characters, and I don’t know what to think. I generally take a more negative feeling towards his character. Im going to break down some moments and maybe get a dialogue going. 

Some moments that I think about: 

In the first meeting with Maverick when they are going over the mission briefing and the he speaks the ICONIC line “Now Iceman is a man I deeply admire” Do you Cyclone? Do you actually admire Iceman or just some version of him you have in your head. Anyway Ill be back to that. 

In that meeting, Cyclone makes two erroneous statements:

First he thinks that Maverick was first in his Top Gun class. So someone who’s a fan of Iceman, either doesn’t know that he and Mav were in the same class or somehow doesn’t know Ice came first. He also somehow didn’t see that Mav doesn’t have “First in Top Gun class ’86” in his file (idk if that would actually be there but there would definitely be some kind of record). Regardless, this would be very easy for Cyclone to learn was an error. 

The second erroneous statement is an assumption but not an unrealistic one. Bradley. Cyclone assumes that the problem between Maverick and Rooster is that Rooster blames Mav for his father’s death. Now I’ll say Cyclone’s right on the money in saying that Mav blames himself for Goose. Mav will always blame himself for Goose dying, even if by TG:M I think he mostly knows that’s the survivors guilt talking. Bradley, however, doesn’t blame him and never has. He throws the “My dad trusted you, I won’t make the same mistake” at Mav because he’s angry and he wants to hurt him and knows that Goose will always be Mav’s weakness. But remember, when Hangman brings it up, Bradley gets seriously pissed when Jake implies that Goose is the issue. There are a few ways to interpret that scene, but I personally like the one that Rooster gets so angry because he knows Hangman’s trying to poke a his soft spot but is actually jabbing Mav’s. Anyway Ill probably make a whole post about Maverick and Rooster. Back to Cyclone. 

Okay Cyclone seems pretty decent in the dogfight football scene. Oh my god the clips of him searching for the daggers are hilarious, and while it takes Mav’s explanation, he gets what Maverick is doing in building a team. 

Then comes Mav’s no good very bad day. In which he almost looses Coyote then Phoenix and Bob in quick succession gets into it with Rooster and then he actually looses Ice. We don’t see Cyclone until after the funeral and I can read his actions two different ways. If I’m being generous I could read it as Cyclone understanding that Maverick has been through the emotional ringer and isn’t in the psychologically sound space to be on active duty. (Lets be honest would Mav have passed a psych eval after Ice’s death? Maybe…but probably not, at least if the doc wasn’t just going through the motions). However, there’s a second reading harsher reading of that scene, and that is that Cyclone pulls Mav out of instructing the mission because Ice can no longer order him to keep Mav on it. At this point let me return to my “Do you Cyclone? Do you actually admire Iceman?” Idea. I don’t know a lot about tactics, but im not sure there was a better plan than Maverick’s for the mission objective, certainly not Cyclone’s alternate mission parameters. So if Maverick’s plan is the one with the greatest likelihood of success, he was placed on the mission by someone Cyclone supposedly admires, and then Cyclone removes him the moment that person is dead…hard to see the admiration. 

Okay now onto the shitshow of an alternate mission parameters. At first I thought, well maybe Cyclone is someone who values the mission over the lives of the people flying it, but that doesn’t make much sense either. First of all, he raises the altitude. They would be in the SAM’s radar range the entire four minutes. They’d all die or eject long before they could reach the bunker. If somehow the managed to get to the bunker, they were supposed to drop from a higher altitude, which Cyclone himself admits makes it harder to get a target lock. Neither of those changes improve odds of mission success. The only change that might have lead to a better chance of finishing the mission while increasing risk to the pilots, was the lower velocity through the canyon. The Bandits would have had to strafe them, because the missile lock was confused by terrain. They could potentially get through that and finish the mission, though they’d most likely be blown out of the sky after they were done. Basically Cyclone’s plan seems pretty idiotic to me so maybe he’s just an idiot? If you happen to have tactical experience and you disagree, please enlighten me, I’d like to know how Cyclone’s mission parameters were not dumb as fuck and only not acceptable to Mav bc of the risk to life. 

When Mav demonstrates he can fly the entire mission his way successfully, Cyclone says he has to weigh his career against more probable mission success. Wow. That I also don’t understand, because I don’t understand why his career would suffer more naming Maverick mission lead if it failed, then the mission failing following Cyclone’s parameters? At least in the case of failures with Maverick in command he could say, Maverick demonstrated the ability to preform mission parameters flawlessly. If he sent people with his plan and it failed what could he say “I thought it would work?”. Im assuming mission success is a boon no matter how it happens especially if there are no fatalities. Maverick might not be popular in the Navy but its not like his presence on a mission would make it career suicide, the military tends to be more pragmatic than that. (Also if it works, they tend to reward ingenuity even went it means orders were broken, most CMH recipients disobeyed some kind of order, that’s why they are honored what ever they did was way above and beyond the call of duty) 

When Maverick goes down, Cyclone doesn’t launch either Hangman, nor search and rescue. That’s probably the right call for the situation, even though its cold. He most likely did launch Hangman the moment the F-14 was spotted with Rooster’s ESAT. 

Anyway, Ive got a lot of mixed feelings about Cyclone. What are yours? 

[predictions-of-the-past]

RP:

PRIVATE(?) TRANSMISSION

PotP: Hello Nine Spiders' Dawn! I have a question for thou.

NSD: dyou really have to start all of our transmissions so dramatically... we talk at least once per cycle, you could just ask the question without introduction...

PotP: That would be boring!

NSD: yeah of course it would... alright, sure! ask away c:

PotP: ...What do you think happened to the rest of our group?

NSD: ...

NSD: is this really the first time youre questioning this?

PotP: Well, no. I have been thinking about it a lot though, and I can't think of anything, so I'm asking you. Probably should have done that earlier.

NSD: mhm... ill be honest. i dont know.

NSD: but our communications with them are cut off, and while i havent tried to fix them, not really, i dont think i could..

NSD: theyre... just not there.

PotP: Yeah. It's incredibly odd. I mean, they can't have just disappeared, right? So something's got to be interfering with the communications within our group, and only our group. It's the only thing that makes sense.

NSD: thats what i thought too.

NSD: but it doesnt make sense either. think about it. who do we know that could have done this? only night falls when day comes and me.

PotP: Night Falls When Day Comes wouldn't do something like that, he's too nice. Neither would you...

NSD: cant believe you think so little of me that you dont even include an explanation for why im free of blame </3 still a suspect after all....

PotP: What- no! That doesn't even make sense!

NSD: i know i know

NSD: but youre right.

NSD: night falls when day comes is our groups senior. but as you mentioned, theyre too kind. desperate to keep us all in touch and for all of us to stay sane, even if they indulge in peace never achieved and passage of flights chaos sometimes.

PotP: As if you didn't wreak havoc as well whenever those two roped you into their plans.

NSD: says you! peace never achieved learned most of her tricks from you!

PotP: I'm so proud of her...

PotP: Peace Never Achieved... I miss her. I miss them all.

NSD: same. same.

NSD: i... honestly, ive never been as close with the other three as i am with you, but it just being us two has never felt right.

PotP: I know what you mean. Night Falls When Day Comes' constant reassurance and support (even if he did duel Peace Never Achieved that one time...), Peace Never Achieved's... everything, Passage of Flight's crazy inventions... you always tried to build those, didn't you?

NSD: tried is a strong word, id say... more like threw together something passable so that ae could improve the design on aer own.

PotP: Soft.

NSD: once again! says you! youd give up your life again for peace never achieved! which is not a light sacrifice, coming from you!

PotP: Hey! To be fair, I'd also do that for you! Night Falls When Day Comes would also give anything up for Peace Never Achieved!

NSD: ...night falls when day comes would give away his very last rarefaction cell (if he were in such a situation) to any one of us if we just asked.

PotP: Oh you're definitely right about that.

PotP: Just brings this right back to the start. I care about those three, just as I care about you. You guys are my family, it doesn't and never will feel right, being separated. Even after all this time.

NSD: ...i cant do anything.

NSD: i dont know what happened, i dont know why this is still happening, i dont know how to fix it.

NSD: were fine though. were fine for now. arent we?

PotP: You're right. We are.

PotP: Maybe one day we'll get to talk to them again.

NSD: yeah... maybe.

[hrt-2hrt]

another rant haha

its been a long time since my last post and honestly im feeling so back to square one.. i think im just sick and tired of my body and everything around me. today's my birthday. i wore a dress and in the mirror i felt so gorgeous.. but not to the point where i actually loved myself. for the past 6 months ive constantly felt so lost and upset over everything. i wish to find myself. i turned 17 today and i was asked what my goal is as a 17 year old. i was silent. i knew what to say but i couldnt get the words out.

the truth is that im lost and i want to find myself. i want to love my body, my face, my personality, my skills, my hobbies. i was so ungrateful for who i used to be before i turned 16. i seriously felt like being a 16 year old is just the most confusing and easiest thing to get yourself lost in. i never participate in my hobbies anymore, i eat without listening to my body, i dont enjoy working out, and whenever i get the chance i find myself rotting in bed mindlessly scrolling. a lot of my birthday was spent with fake laughs because even though the situation was funny, i couldnt find the real happiness in it. the birthday blues are really hitting me right now.

to be honest i have no idea why im writing this, but i am. it needs to be out of my system.

im so sick of always having this lonely feeling inside of me. nothing is the same. i wish to be loved by someone else but im not willing to love myself first and its so fucked up. in 20 minutes my birthday is over and life goes back to normal. except this time im not letting it go back to the normal it has been for the last 6 fucking months. i want to learn, to love, to care, to try. i want to be myself again

i hope that after another 6 months ill be out of this mess. i hope ill be playing guitar in my room like i used to. i hope ill be sketching in my bed like i used to. i hope that when i study my trades ill actually my passionate about it like i used to. i hope that ill love my body. i hope that ill find love in myself. i hope that i find love in others. i hope i can be disciplined. i hope my life is filled with happiness and positivity.

17 sounds like a big number. i hope i can be bigger and do what i desire. i am strong i am powerful i am caring i am kind.

maybe theres someone else out there who feels the same way as me. about love and about losing yourself. i also wish that someone would compliment me on the street. i wish someone came and asked for my number. i wish i found out someone loved me. i wish that after one year, i will not find myself in the position again.

fuck 16. lets fucking go 17.

ps to my 16 year old self, u were once loved too.

[sapphicsunfox]

Its so painful to just accept that she hates me. I think I coped deluding myself into thinking that haha she couldnt truly hate me. There was love there. It cant just die. And even if she didnt love me, there has to be at least something other than hate?

But she despises me. She says i made her miserable. And i know its valid and of course that might be true. Maybe i did make her miserable. I was a lot to handle, i was shaken, i was hurt, i didnt have any tools, i was suicidal. And I regret the colateral damage i caused to those who cared about me. And im sorry i didnt give you enough time, and im sorry i dumped my sadness into you. Im sorry i didnt tell you enough times how much I loved you. Im sorry i took you for granted cause breaking up with my soulmate was unfathomable. Im sorry i didnt try harder, that i didnt ask harder. I wanted to love you right. All i wanted was to love you right cause what was the point of loving if you dont feel loved back? Im sorry i didnt know how to handle it ans caused you pain. Im sorry i didnt communicate better. Im sorry for the times i was scared and it hurt you. Im sorry i didnt express better. Im sorry i made fun of a show you liked. Im sorry i didnt take you on more dates. Im sorry i didnt ask for more clarification when you said you wanted a break. I got scared. I thought i lost you (i did). I never wanted to lose you.

I know now it doesnt matter. I can be sorry all i want, i can better myself and learn and improve and become a bettee person, but to you ill always be The Toxic Ex. And im sorry about that, too. You also were that for me, for a while. It took me a long time to accept youre the person ive loved the most and i couldnt hate you. Not when i was so happy you loved me I cried when you said for the first time. Not when i couldnt hold my smile when i looked at you. Not when i wanted you to come live with me so your mother wouldnt hurt you anymore. Not when i wanted to travel the world with you and have a dog and a rat. I wanted to be your family. I wanted to cherish you. I loved you.

I love you, still.

So it hurts that you genuinely hate me and i made you miserable. But youre allowed to. Its not my place to change your mind, to make you talk to me. To message you. You have your life, you have a boyfriend. Youre probably not even living in this city anymore. I dont wanna let you go, i dont want it to end like this. I want us to talk and make amends. Hell, even as friends. I dont care. I just want to make sure you know i loved you with all i had in me. It was very broken, but it was all yours.

But you despise me. You think my art is shitty. You think im shitty. I think you were the love of my life. I cant hold on to this tiny hope that maybe, maybe if we talked- its gonna destroy me. Its destroying me already. I wanna throw up, im anxious. Im hurt. I wanna make things right.

You blocked me the second you came across my shitty art, and i respect that. I have to, for you and for me. Im sorry I even thought about messaging you. Im sorry for the messages i drafted. Im sorry for the messages i sent. I was desperate, to be honest. I never wanted to lose you. You were my everything, but all I did was made you sad, right?

I hope your boyfriend treats you right. I hope you find happiness and joy. Selfishly, I want you to think of me and wonder what if. I want you to wonder if you should send a message. I want you to stalk my socials just to know how I'm doing. But I can't keep being selfish. We deserve better than this one sided thing I have going on. And im sorry I didnt get to make amends. I wish you had apologized, too. I'd hold you. I'd cry, probably. Always been a bit of a crybaby. I'm so vulnerable when it comes to you.

If you see me on the streets, I hope you say hi.

I love you. Im sorry.

Maybe in another life.

[birdsofhands]

10/25/2023

somehow it's always octobers.

and why does this look aesthetic?

today we're falling apart again. me and edgar i mean. will it still matter when i'm thirty? i'm not sure. but as of now, some of my intense girlish feelings at the age of 23 is fading away. watered down. we're calling a rest. a kind of cool off. i guess. the funny thing is that i was all tensed up the entire time we were talking, but when we finally decided to take a break, i felt myself physically relieved. yes it was a bit sad but i shrugged it off and it was easy. im being honest. yes it still is making me anxious. what if he genuinely hates me now? that's my concern. i did not like it that waym him hating me. i know his love the same way i know his hatred. and both are weighty things. i wish i only know his love. it was nice. his love was nice most times and i think ill miss it. but we're really not working out. i think it's probably because of me not wanting to have sex? but that's wrong. i don't deserve such vile treatment. if he loves me he'll respect that. so losing him because of this isn't really a loss. and i don't even see him becoming my husband. [maybe i kinda do sometimes when i remember how he promises to make me a glass of milk when im having a panic attack in the middle of the night or how we danced in our porch in the middle of the night with no music on but then ill remember all the awful things he had said to me] i am confused like a teenager. i am alive and learning how to live. does that make sense? no. and that's the point. do i sound like im trying to make something out of nothing? maybe. maybe that's what im good at. and rambling too. i don't know why im so afraid of journaling when i am this good when i finally start. the words just ebb and flow. when i realize i don't need to make a literary piece like sylvia plath, it becomes easier and freer and i forget why i started this. sorry. i was saying it felt a whole lot emptier when it's done. perhaps it's the thought that he'll come back to me either way like he always does. almost dog-like. and how ill accept him too because well, i have no one and i am afraid to be lonely. is that the truth? i am not afraid to be lonely. [i think journaling to me now also feels like a battle between figuring out whether i'm really being honest with myself or just my old classic people pleasing fake ass self talking? it's hard when you don't know who you are or when you spend your time either wallowing and drowning in your negative energies or distracting yourself with everything you can find instead of figuring out how you feel and processing it. or maybe i just really need help.

ok well let me tell you about today. it was great overall actually, btw im lying in my childhood bedroom that doesn't look remotely close to my childhood bedroom beside my sleeping mother. we just got an aircon. my sister is working below and the blue light of her projector lamp is oozing to the ceiling moving like ocean waves. green laser dots speckled it. my mother just moved and i got scared she'd scold me but she didn't ans that fucking surprising honestly. i fed loki a lot today and we got closer. he lets me pet him now and he comes to me even if I wasn't calling him. he was lovely. that's all for today im anxious.

i forgot to tell you he called me a sad girl today. it hurt actually but he was right i was trying to manipulate him to get him to say sorry to me. and after tht i tried a different approach the narcissist tht i am. i asked him if he really knew the word and that he should tell me what it means and guess what? he caught on my schemes. he said no. cuz im just going to turn it against him which was exactly what i was gonna do but well i was being obvious and it would be really disappointing if he hadn't caught on but damn. that was still shocking. and surprisingly numbing. after tht i just accepted defeat. i wanted to rest i didn't wannafeel like tht anymore. it's like he doesn't love me anymore. he's ok with losing me now.

---

the morning that day, loki went to me and woke me up with a massage. it was the first time ive experienced something like that.

[nanjokei]

well, you know. something funny about how i vehemently denied being mentally ill well into high school despite various unpleasant incidents (no details heehee) and constant panic attacks and mental breakdowns. of course into university it did not get better. but i started being a little more honest with myself. started calling myself ambigiously mentally ill, but looking back now, i was still trying to downplay it. i felt that i did not "deserve" to label myself as anything as it would be an "excuse". not only that, but also enroaching on people who are "actually" mentally ill. people who were visibly "worse off", or perhaps simply made their misfortune clear before i did (it sounds silly, but i really did think like this). well... obviously i am very neurodivergent. even mental illness and anxiety and depression aside. very nice cocktail of me juice.

what does that even mean? wasn't i struggling too? i think the mental health discourse of the late 10's was so damaging. there was so much emphasis on "worth" and "proof"... i'm not talking about listing your mental illnesses, that is so early 10's tumblr and i think something usually younger people do (to a lot of detriment ofc). i'm talking about the silent pressure of "if you don't see a professional you decided you got it via webmd" or something. i didn't wanna seem like that... so i never questioned myself. ever. i just decided to acknowledge "something is wrong" and nothing else. of course, in an effort to be inclusive perhaps to maybe their friends, people would hastily tack on statements like "but it's okay if you do a lot of research".

what IS "a lot of research"? by what metric is that decided? how much research is that? how many hours, books, webpages, blog posts... i do think in this pedantic and literal kind of way. i take the words much too seriously. but when is it okay? such questions haunted me. honestly, i am unable to let the thought go. even if i recently in the past and even now go, "i'm an adult, should i not be able to tell and surmise what may be wrong? do i not have observations? can i not relate my experiences to others strongly? is it wrong of me to do so? do i not live in my own body?" this social pressure is not something i can make sense of, but i still feared it, heeded it, let it be something that commanded my life and how i saw myself.

i can never be diagnosed in this decade. even aside from the society i live in. how intensely i have to mask in my day to day life because of how intricately collectivist this society is. gender shit. my own personal circumstances which i will probably never speak of online. but it's okay. i don't really want or need a diagnosis. i know at least and am honest with myself, but i hope one day i can transition from "i am ambigiously neurodivergent" and the like to saying what i really feel. you know? because i am an adult who is at least somewhat self aware. like, in masking so intensely my entire life, in KNOWING i was so bad at knowing what to do in such inflexible social environments and having to learn from scratch, i honestly should have realized... no idea how i did not...

honestly it runs so deep sometimes i tell myself i don't have things i OBJECTIVELY have! like i have trichotillomania yes!! i pull my hair out constantly. but sometimes im like ok but what if i'm just pulling my hair out just cuz lol... DO YOU SEE!!! it is so deep seated. when i first started doing it my mom took me to a hair guy bc she thought my hair was falling out. he immediately recognized i was pulling it out, but didn't say it was a disorder or anything. maybe he didn't have the authority to, idk, i have no idea what his profession even was. it was not a hospital. we went home and i got yelled at. i wish he said something. but alas. i lived not knowing for years. so sometimes i still don't believe THAT. how am i gonna convince myself it's ok for me to say the quiet part about my neurodivergence out loud? that i've "earned" the right to do so? i've met so many people both irl and online that have validated my trich and i can't even fully believe it. so imagine... you know??

i'm not chasing a label, but i want to be able to say it one day and not care about approval (in the sense of others believing me) or "being incorrect". BECAUSE WHO CARES WHAT OTHERS THINK?! i believe others without thinking about it or doubting them right? and no one is living my life but me!! i want to be honest to myself completely one day!!! i want to wholeheartedly say i am ___ without thinking about it too hard. you know?! ;_;

i have no idea if any of this makes sense at all. i know my way of describing my feelings is confusing and very roundabout. it may not even be obvious what i am agonizing about, maybe it is, but i want to overcome my inhibitions wholeheartedly. i am ready to evolve past the self denial

[sadisthetic]

I’m giving the designers objectively the right amount of credit. I’m a former lego employee :-)

doubt. even if you were, why are you taking personal offense to criticism to the show as a whole and are taking time out in your life to defend something under the mask of anonymity where you have absolutely no claim to your name? wheres your sense of professionalism? taking offense a silly small no name artist questioning a design element. in a caption of bloody fanart no less. and you say youre an ex lego employee! ex! so youre less relevant now. if youre not lying that is. you wont even say what your position was. lego employee is so vague.

anyways. because youre on anon all this claim does is make you sound like the "my uncle works at nintendo!" meme. im sorry to say that as an anon. you are nobody

by the way. by set design im speaking from an entertainment arts perspective. not the sets that kids buy in the store. im talking about sets that are Actually used in the show. this kind of design work.

http://www.cynthiahalley.com/ not ninjago related but this is MY definition of set design. aka. what im seeing in the show. not the simplified little toy models

anyways. looks like youre not done!

shakes out my hands. alright! you wanna play this kinda game? okay sure, ill play along! why not. i have time to procrastinate. you are rude by the way!

lets google that very phrase you gave here

mhm mhm! yup! that sure is the grate that jays prison was based on! but huh..... hm! im kinda curious about what the inside looks like. you know? the inside of the hold that jay is in that this is all about?

lets add a term to the search

huh! huh! interesting. that doesnt look like anything i saw in the show. hmmmm actually this doesnt give me enough sense about the architecture of the ship, so let do the same research that ive been doing for my own curiositys sake

cool..... pretty expansive actually. ehhhh i want a tour. this doesnt sate my curiosity enough. i wanna see what the grates underside looks like because im bored and obsessed with this lego show

i wont waste everyones time. an example is at about 11 minutes in

wow i learned a lot about ships. also i looked at diagrams. not that you ever had the thought to. hm. now how did the hold jay was in look like again

thats fucking stupid. in the few frames we are given of it of the different angles, its clearly just a fucking box. no depth leading to the curve of the hull, no visible door and likely no door whatsoever bc it would complicate things. a box that probably is in the shape of its opening. lets be real. this is a design that was easy and convenient for the cg modeler to make. ive done 3d work for a class. its hell. i dont blame them. but anyways. ppl who worked on this probably just saw the grates on the surface of the deck and was like oh we dont know what that looks like on the inside but its a perfect place to throw poor ole jay in! grab the trusty basic 3d cube. use difference to cut it out. add texture. and to be honest? yeah the story doesnt need an entire storage space to be built for realism sake. why would they do that for a cg lego show. lets get lazy about it, what do the kids know, whats important is that jays life sucks. the sparseness serves more of a purpose the bleak hopelessness of the pit jay has dug himself into

my point still stands. this is just a hole. it aint right. this is not how old ships were built. this cell was made for jays specifically for the sake of simplicity in both the production standpoint and story. its dumb but serviceable for a narrative purpose

but anyways so from this ive learned an important thing or two about you! you! dont know how to research! you! have only ever looked surface level. literally surface level, you saw these images of the deck and never even thought about whats underneath? the very thing ive been questioning? ive been talking about how its just a fucking cube this entire time. its just a hole. you given me more insight about ships so i thank you for that but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. youre very bad at convincing someone whos right

also you contradicted yourself. you said that "the concepts for the misfortune’s keep were done carefully" but then you go on to say that it "doesn’t require accurate research"? after telling ME, silly ole me who clearly has easily done more research than you, to do a bit research? hello? whats the truth? hm? what are you trying to prove now. doesnt need research because its "basic hollywood tropes" kay so whats been done here is nothing original because theyre copying whats already been done hundreds of times. great argument. dont get me wrong tho i love a good trope. especially when it involves things i enjoy. like jay having the most miserable time. heres the thing tho. what is being brought into question is not what HAPPENS to jay. its the fucking lazy set dressing. am i wrong to point out thats just a hole? its a hole. absolutely no deeper thought has gone into designing that. why are you so mad about it?

i do this for a hobby. criticizing ninjago is literally 75% of the fun for me. thinking soooo much about the shows i like and pointing out the bits that are wack is how i occupy my brain in my spare time. so what are you doing man. is defending ninjagos honor your hobby? get a better one. or at least more thought and consideration and media literacy. like im thinking about the show from a production standpoint as well as writing. this show has So many holes in it btw so theres MUCH to think about and mull over. a lot of stuff for me to play with. its nice in that sense. ninjago is a sandbox if anything. im sure im not alone in thinking this

thanks for the soapbox anon! youve overstayed your welcome! get out of my house! im just a guy with opinions as scathing as they are.

OH WAIT IF YOURE REALLY AN EX LEGO DESIGNER? WHY ARE SO MANY OF THE NINJAS GI'S LAPELS FOLDED RIGHT OVER LEFT? ITS BASIC KNOWLEDGE THAT IN A LOT OF EAST ASIAN CULTURES, TRADITIONAL CLOTHING THAT FOLDED IS FOR DEAD PEOPLE. NINJAGO IS LOOSELY (SO VERY LOOSELY.) BASED ON JAPANESE CULTURE. SO CLEARLY VERY LITTLE RESEARCH GOES INTO DESIGNING THE LITTLE LEGO GUYS OUTFITS THEMSELVES!!!! WHOS THE WHITE GUY WHO DESIGNED THE MINIFIGURES. I HAVE PERSONAL BEEF WITH THEM.

but if youre a nobody. byebye. i dont think you can come back from this. im done here. this was fun. drops the mic

[weebsinstash]

Who are your top 3 yandere characters right now

One thing I've learned is that I can latch on to certain characters for certain reasons depending on what I'm looking for emotionally so honestly my interest has been bouncing around a lot depending on just how my day has been going

To be honest I've been hella HELLA stressed so I've been going heavy on the escapism stuff. I still think of the Chocobros a lot so I would put them as number 1 without question. I've been recently thinking heavily on, like, if I were to sit down and start writing for them, what would it be and why. Most of my ideas involving them honestly just, have an embarrassing amount to do with American specific politics and culture so I don't know how digestible to everyone it would be but I guess the main theme is mostly just "wow Reader, where you came from is really shitty and horrible, stay with us, we think your environment is kind of making you a worse person" and situations revolving around that

Interrupting myself to add as a general thing, I need to remind myself that writing shorter stories is just fine, but for some reason I keep obsessing on emotional buildup and like, other things that are certainly nice to have, but not necessary. Been really considering writing several smaller stories with the goal of making them digestible but not horribly long as kind of. An exercise on restraint? Cause I'm kinda starting to wonder if my reluctance to write is partially mental illness-driven "make it perfect or don't make it at all" and like. That's so exhausting 🤦‍♀️

Number two would be. Hm. I would say still Valentino honestly 💀 im embarrassed by how bad I want hazbin hotel to come out so I can mindlessly consume whatever scraps of content of him will be in it. I'm feral. I'm hungry. I'm embracing my inner cringe. If you're into HH there's been a lot of buzz about the official Twitter posting redesigns for the show that animators have been saying are easier to animate and such, so, you know, more details for the show being released makes me hopeful for maybe a release later this year?

But nah with Val im mostly just having ideas of just awful downright fucknasty sex and also him just being horribly terribly jealous and possessive bc that's just. A big personal kink of mine as terribly unhealthy in an actual relationship it is. Also like. Four armed tall imposing monster is A Type for me ok. I have like. A thing for the possibilities brought on by four arms. Man when yall were ever kids too did you ever watch like Machamp from Pokemon or Ben 10 and think "hope this doesn't awaken something in me" because--

As for number three. Hm. There are honestly several different ideas that have been floating around for me. Being exhausted by my retail job reminded me of Nanami and his "fighting curses is no worse than working a regular job" and you know what? king shit. Man's right as rain. Been thinking about something with him and a reader with a similar mindset where he eventually realizes "oh wait, we harness negative emotions to fight curses, I wonder if Reader is potentially Digging Too Deep and possibly feeding into potential mental illness problems" which then leads into "well fuck guess I better take responsibility and start taking care of them"

I've also been having a few thoughts for Volo who is, you know, obsessed with knowledge and such and would definitely have a lot to learn from a Reader from the future, and also like, there's that whole thing where, he did technically, you know, physically threaten us actually. Like, you know what, im digging up his actual words:

"Not that you have a choice. Even if you don't wish to battle, I'm not above using force to take those plates from you."

So yeah, look at it from this perspective. If you consider Reader as, well, us and our player character, and we, or some of us, are technically people who have had "all sorts of pokemon adventures" as in when we've beaten such and such games and watched such and such movies. Imagine Volo hearing all of these crazy stories and tales and also seeing Reader's talent as a trainer and adventurous heart and just kind of like, becoming near zealot-like obsessed because Reader has Literally Met God Several Times, traveled through time, found lost underwater kingdoms, met pokemon from space, ones that granted wishes, so on, so on, and well... maybe he decides Reader is also some sort of divine figure for him to behold and revere and serve oh so diligently, never to part with. That Reader is such a magnet for the amazing and the unknown that he should keep you alongside him when he remakes the world and all that

Anyways long answer is long but anyways yeah I've got a lot of characters taking up space in my head and my heart and my pants and maybe I'll write something soon, who knows

[elysianslove]

cheering you up ; haikyuu boys

synopsis; different ways the haikyuu boys care for you and cheer you up when you’re sad

pairings; karasuno x reader, nekoma x reader, aoba johsai x reader, fukurodani x reader, shiratorizawa x reader, inarizaki x reader

genre; fluff

warnings; none probably a bunch of mistakes lmfao

note; i had to repost this like 3 times rip. anyways, im sorry for not adding inarizaki on my last one jbshds but they’re here now!!

karasuno ━━

sugawara koshi; i definitely think he's so in tune with you, and your emotions. he learns your cues very well, and knows every little thing about you that there is to learn. if you're having a bad day, he'll notice right away. he won't comment on it though. all he'll do is these little things to try to cheer you up, but it's going to be very subtle. he'll let u rest ur head on his shoulder, run his fingers through ur hair. he'll sneakily buy u ur favorite snack. doesn't bring anything up until you do. ends the day with cuddles and a chick flick.

sawamura daichi; he notices but he doesn't really know how to react. not because he doesn't know what to do, but because he doesn't want to trigger you or deepen your sadness in any way. he's very careful with you. if it's something throughout the day, he's very quiet and tender with you, just silently lets you rest your head against his chest and rubs your back/arm tenderly. as you're walking home he asks if you want to talk about it, and reminds you that it's good to, but it's also okay if you don't want to.

nishinoya yuu; not a single sad moment with mr noya here. seriously you cannot breathe. ok but in all honesty, when you're sad. he's sad. sends you memes, and you'll be laughing at them with tears streaming down your face because you don't really know what you're feeling anymore. he does a lot of tiktok trends with you, any of the couple ones. grabs your faces and ,,, smooch all over. until you have no choice but to laugh. if you want to cry even more, he'll watch the notebook and the vow a thousand times over, and be a sobbing mess next to you. just don't tell the guys okay? <3

kageyama tobio; he's so.   bad. at this please help him. like he can tell ur sad, bc he's v good at reading people. but like. what the fuck is he supposed to do. anyways. when u two get to be alone and he kinda notices how quiet you are, he just nudges you slightly, and pulls you to him. it's easier to talk to you, he's calmer, when he can't directly look at you. when he feels you start to shake in his arms, feels the wet tears down your cheeks as you start to sob in his arms, his heart kinda breaks. all he can do is hold you, but it's what you need. and he'll listen too, if that's what you need as well.

tsukishima kei; i think he notices, but doesn't bring it up at all. the way he goes about it is he'll tease you to try and bring a smile on your face. because this is tsukki, and you know him well enough, you know the truth behind his jabs, enough to appreciate them. if it doesn't work, he'll just start to make fun of people in front of you, pointing random people out with you and just being like "wanna bet on what's making their relationship fall apart" this sadist i stg. like suga, he subtly makes you feel better until you yourself approach him about whatever's upsetting. actually gives 10/10 advice bc he's v honest.

asahi azumane; he's so empathetic oh my god bruh. notices immediately. "baby what's got u so upset" w a big pout on his face and when u just mumble "nothin" so low he barely catches it and instead throw yourself into his arms, he gives you a big, certified asahi bear hug. doesn't leave your side at all. constantly mutters sweet nothings and encouragements. if you do the bare minimum like make it through class he'll meet you after and be all "im so proud of my pretty baby". cuddles all day. all night. he's not very good at advice but he is the best listener !!! so attentive and you'll feel a huge weight lifted.

tanaka ryunosuke; "aight who do i need to jump" type beat. u love him so much though. that one sentence and sentiment already has you feeling better. immediately hugs you so tight, borderline suffocating you. "wanna ditch school". 100% willing to do so. he doesn't really know whether to approach it with distracting you or facing the obstacle head-on, but he finds a middle ground. eats your feelings out with you. saeko pulls out the embarrassing ryu pictures and suddenly you don't know why you were ever sad.

hinata shoyo; is really oblivious for a bit tbh. when he first meets you at the start of the day and his hyperactive self is greeted by your duller, sadder self, he doesn't think much of it. it's when you don't react to him or interact with him the way you usually would that he starts to notice you being off. he's actually super straightforward about it, and approaches you with some of your favorite snack that he bribed ukai to give him for free and just "wanna tell me whats up, baby?" he's so, so easy to talk to. immediately you're venting. and he listens to intently, gives stupidly good advice. it's like such simple approaches to your problem but?? it works. anyways you love him.

yamaguchi tadashi; will be super worried about what he could do to make it better, and kinda just tries to feed you as much positive energy as he can. once he's comfortable with people, he becomes really chatty, so i see him talking your ear off with the biggest smile on his face that you have no choice but to kind of ? mimic it? he just radiates goodness and sweetness that it shifts your own energy. he on some witchcraft shit on god. anyways when he walks you home or something, he'll just stop for a min and avoid your eyes when he says "ik u dont feel the best, but i dont want you to have to hide that from me, okay?" stan tadashi <3

nekoma ━━

kuroo tetsurō; drops everything. i mean it. i genuinely think kuroo would be such a good boyfriend that he'll sense it and text u as ur getting ready for school and be like "are u sad i feel like ur sad". you dont really wanna worry him and you'll just reassure him ur fine but he's already at your front door in — not his school uniform. insists the two of you take the day off saying "its fine babe im super smart". you two will spend the whole day just simply existing, talking when needed, he listens to you if you vent, and tries to come up with as many options of solutions for you so you don't feel weighed down. he'll make sure you eat even if you don't have an appetite, and will try to make u do something productive bc in a lotta cases, it could help you feel a lil better yk :)

kozume kenma; i pretend i do not see it — kozume kenma (2020). jbwjwks im jk. he's like tsukki in the sense that he will never address it, and he doesn't outwardly approach you about it. if it's just an off day for you, and you also happen to not have school, you'll go over to his house, hoping to feel a little bit better when you see him. "can i have a kiss, sunshine" to which he responds "why." you just go "im sad" and he gives u a big smooch. he'll have you lay on his lap while he plays his games, occasionally just sneaking in a peak at you to make sure you're okay. he'll ask if you wanna play to get your mind off things for a while. eventually, when things wind down a bit, he'll just mutter "yk i love you, yeah?" and that lights up your world hehe

haiba lev; as soon as he notices you're sad he just ☹️. he picks out a small flower and as soon as he sees you, he just tucks it by your ear, and smile so brightly and youll just be like "oh my god lev please stop being so cute". he won't really know what to do tbh, but the way he's so lost makes it so heartwarming and it honestly cheers you up all on its own. he just. "would a kiss make it better" and if you nod he'll just start kissing all over your face so softly, until he finally kisses your lips. when he pulls away he asks "again?" with a cute smile and if you nod he'll just kiss you over and over again. very simple way of cheering you up, and very foolproof tbh.

yaku morisuke; i think throughout the day, he might pester you a little bit about telling him what was wrong, but after you keep insisting you're fine, he relents, and decides that maybe giving you your own time and space to open up to him is better. he tries not to act differently in that sense, but he finds himself being a little more soft spoken, and gentler with you. i just had this image flash in my brain of you resting your head on a desk, head turned to the right, and then yaku comes and sits to your right, putting his head on the desk and facing you. and just. "hi :)" your heart melts. he kisses your forehead softly and tells you you're wonderful, in case you've forgotten. if, or when, you do open up to him, he'll be very eager to listen, and ready to fight off whoever upset you.

yamamoto taketora; this man is angry. like properly. "who the FUCK put a frown on my baby's face. speak the fuck up. i won't hurt you. ill just mutilate you." if you tell him that it's no one, and that you're just upset, he'll be so confused but he'll just nod and be like "okay. okay. do you want a hug?" and he'll hug you so tight. he'll admit that he doesn't like seeing you like this, and that he'll do anything to make it better. at first he's very cautious, but then he just lightbulb moment and as soon as you get home he'll be like "karaoke night babyyyyy" and then. no more sad.

aoba johsai ━━

oikawa tōru; very. perceptive. he greets you normally, even if he notices something's off, because he won't want to worsen anything. you meet him right before he has practice after school, and he'll just cup your face, lifting them to brush at your hair, and you just sigh. "my baby's had a long day, yeah?" he'll be very gentle and careful with you, i'm sure. he gives you a kiss, smiling softly into it, and reassuring you that you're much too strong to let a single bad day destroy you like this. he meets you later that night with a lotta ice cream and you two just binge watch any reality show you could find, shit talking the actors together. he himself is terrible at talking about his feelings this dumbass >:( so he understands if you don't want to yk? will encourage u to vent it out though. expect terrible, makes no sense advice

iwaizumi hajime; he kinda like. gets mad? when you continue to be upset and not speak about it? he's not mad at you! he's just. mad. this is iwa okay. anyways. he won't bring it up mostly, only being slightly more affectionate, especially in his hand holding, which is super gentle already as it is. when he invites you over, that's when he actually starts to talk to you about it. he lets you know that there's nothing worse than seeing you like this and not knowing what to do, and that he wants you to be able to talk to him. about anything. even if you think it's stupid. he'll listen, and tell you that it's not stupid if it's making you upset. he cooks for you <33333 then bakes with you <33333 you feel a lot lighter at the end of the night tbh

hanamaki takahiro; (he's so annoying i love him). as soon as he sees you upset he makes it his mission throughout the day to cheer you up in any possible way. spams your phone while you're class with ten thousand wholesome memes. sends you pick up lines. when he meets you in between classes he just yells out "how's my favorite person in the entire world!" and kisses you so wholly in the middle of the school hallway lmfao. while he's walking you home, takes a longer route and purposely, he passes by your favorite store/bakery/ice cream parlor. buys u ur favorite, and pretends to be shocked when you give him a piece. late at night, he'll facetime you, wondering how you're feeling, asking if you needed to talk about it. whether you do or you don't, you two will fall asleep facetiming.

matsukawa issei; the minute he sees you he's like "whats wrong". no hi or anything. he has like this frown on his face, which seems off bc it's rare to see a frown on issei's face, and he just tucks your chin in his palm gently and stares at your pout. "you good, baby?" he can tell you're not, but he wants you to be able to tell him on your own. sticks by your side the entire day, and nobody really mentions it. he talks to you as if it were a normal day, but his voice has a softer edge. he's not distracting you, per se. he's more, talking to fill the space while giving you your own space to think. once you're alone, he'll just drag you to the nearest comfy surface, flop down, and pull you on top of him. if you even try to resist or ask whats going on he'll just "nap and cuddles first." and when u sleep a lil bit of ur sadness away, he'll just let you talk it out as he continues to hold you <333

fukurodani ━━

bokuto kōtarō; just as empathetic as asahi, if not more. he really does feel it all with you. yk sympathy pains that partners get when women get contractions? bokuto is that partner. with bokuto, i feel like he'd never make you feel like you couldn't just straight up text him "im sad" and feel bad about it. if you ever do that, he'll immediately call, not even bothering with a text. if he can't come over, he stays with you until you've cried your heart out and then laughing until you can't breathe. if he can go over, he smothers you with love. repeatedly says "you know i love you, yeah? you know how grateful i am for you?" and in between kisses "im so lucky. so, so lucky."

akaashi keiji; i feel like as soon as akaashi notices you're down, or you're slightly off, he just grabs your hand and squeezes, forcing you to stop spacing out and focus on him for a second. if you're with a lot of people around you, he'll lean close to you and ask if you wanna go home. he'll be so soft and gentle and understanding, making up some excuse on the spot on why the two of you have to leave. if you're alone, he'll grab your hand and kind of tug you towards him, silently asking you to come into his arms, where you yourself know you feel safest. as soon as you're in the comfort of your home together, he'll like run you a bath and slip into it with you, just holding you until the water grows cold and the droplets on your skin are from your own tears. he'll wait it out, just holding you as reassurance, then make sure nothing's stopping you from spilling everything to him.

konoha akinori; when he first notices, he kinda deflates. like. who would wanna see their s/o like that? his smile is gentler when he greets you, and he's so soft with you. he grabs a pen and lifts your palm up, quickly scribbling down in his unique handwriting "i love you :) <3" on your skin, whispering for you not to wash it off until the end of the day. it is weirdly motivating tbh. as soon as the two of you are alone, he says it to you, face to face, an expected look on his face as if to ask "you know that, yeah?". puts on a movie to tune out the rest of the world, and holds you close to him as it drags on. he'll give advice if you're asking for it, but he's a better listener than anything else.

shiratorizawa ━━

ushijima wakatoshi; does not notice. in all honesty, he expects you to approach him whenever you have an issue or if you're upset. he's kinda like ? so confused when you're so down and really unresponsive, until he starts to notice how touchy you are. like you're leaning more into his touch, holding onto his hand like it's your lifeline, stealing his vbc jacket because it smells like him. is very straightforward, and will just ask you if you're okay as he walks/drives you home. kinda just stops in front of your house and presses a kiss to your forehead, then pulling you into a hug. "please don't be upset." he won't tell you that it kills him, but you can sense the unsaid words. he urges you to keep his jacket when he notices how safe it makes you feel. greets you the next morning with a new cactus in a pot hehe.

semi eita; is very cuddly once he notices. you'll sit at a table in school and he'll be sitting next to you, but he just pulls you into him and lets you rest your head on his chest, mumbling softly into your hair "i know you're sad and it's okay." he doesn't say anything else, just holds you there with a few kisses in between until he has to let go. late at night, if your thoughts are still keeping you up, he'll be up too, worrying, and will text you at 3 am if u wanna sneak out to meet him. takes you to the park and lays on the grass with you, picking out stars and constellations in the sky, with a soft soundtrack playing from his phone next to the two of you. he makes you feel secure enough to be sad even if you have all the blessings in the world, and makes sure you know that he'll always be there for you, even at 3 in the morning.

satori tendō; cheers you up by making you forget literally everything. replaces the sadness in your brain with just pure serotonin in any way he can think of. he'll take you to an amusement park, get ice cream with you, take you to the carnival in town, to the park, to the beach, to the pool, take you up to his house's rooftop. literally anything. and then he'll say something like "life's too short to spend it being sad over anything, darling." he's so understanding, and if you're frustrated or something he'll tell you to let it out by like wrestling him or some shit. exhausts you so much and you're filled to the brim with dopamine. he makes sure you're always happy, never seeing a dull moment in your relationship with him.

goshiki tsutomu; freaks out. plain and simple lmfao. but once he like grounds himself, he just softly comes up to you and asks you if you wanna talk about it, or if there's anything he can do. if yes, he'll break his leg running to go do it. if no, he'll just sit with you in silence, leaning over to hold your hand, talking to you about volleyball and his aspirations and how well he's improving. he's better at distracting you than helping you face your issues, mainly because he stresses out about giving the wrong advice or somehow making you sadder. he'll take a lot of pictures of you together on snapchat random filters to try and cheer you up, then later on in the night he'll send them to you and be like "look how cute we are ugh what a power couple" i love this dorkhabsjsks

shirabu kenjirō; i think he definitely notices, but keeps it to himself. he’d maybe think he’s imagining things and that you’re okay, so he’d go about his day normally. he doesn’t see you after school, and that’s when he puts two and two together and realizes yeah maybe you are sad. so he texts you, and texts you, and texts you, and gets no reply, so he just. comes over. unannounced. uninvited. just straight vibes. he’s already ordered your favorite take out, and already settling in bed with you under the cover with the lights dimmed and some chick flick playing in the background. gives the b e s t advice because he’s so blunt. like he will tell you if you’re overreacting, but you’re still his s/o, so he’d like wince as he says it. that’s all the sympathy you’re getting <3 but his bluntness will shock you into laughing hehe

inarizaki ━━

miya atsumu; usually, with atsumu, you’re always experiencing loud days. your relationship is all fun and flirty and suave and cool. but when he notices you’re sad, he goes quiet. like. eerily so. immediately pulls you aside somewhere private if you’re at a public place like school or something, and with his hands in yours he asks you if you’re okay. yk that thing where ur on the verge of tears and someone asks you if you’re okay and you just burst. yeah <3. his heart absolutely breaks and he just pulls you into a hug, resting your head on his chest and wrapping his arms around your neck. he just holds you there, even if you’re missing class/your friends are worried. he’ll stay with you until your tears have dried up, until you yourself let go.

miya osamu; i don’t see osamu as someone that loves pda. i feel like he’d be a more lowkey kinda guy. but if you’re sad, that gets thrown out the window. he doesn’t really in the moment, and won’t think too much when he pulls you close to his side and just wraps an arm around your waist/shoulder. yeah he’ll get looks but he can feel you trembling and shaking from holding back tears so yk, priorities. he’ll definitely stress eat with you. takes you literally anywhere and feeds you as you rant to him with tears streaming down your face and he’s just nodding sympathetically as he stuffs your mouth one bite after the other. romance is beautiful

suna rinatarō; when he notices you’re sad, his first response is alright what the fuck who messed up. he immediately blames someone else, and if he’s right, he’ll only get really agitated. just giving everyone the side eye from where you can’t see as he walks the two of you, your hand in his tight. if it’s not someone specific, he’ll just hum thoughtfully and then nod, before pulling you away somewhere private and just sitting you down and saying “talk.” very, very good listener. i can’t stress this enough. as you’re speaking he’s already thinking of a million different ways to help you solve your problem. walks with you as he traces your hands and just quietly tells you all the solutions.

aran ojiro; oh my god as a boyfriend he ticks all the boxes. he’s great at communicating, always satisfies your needs, is trustworthy and trusts you. the list goes on. immediately knows when you’re off/sad, and just smiles softly as he takes your hand, kissing your knuckles and saying, “let’s go home, yeah?” at home, he makes you some calming tea, probably pulls out some cookies or brownies or biscuits (that HE made but we’re not gonna get into that) and just listens as you talk, whether it’s about why you’re sad or just in general. gives you honest advice, but also a lil biased bc he loves you hehe <3

[jackassbroadcast]

Hello im a Tommy enthusiast who watched that one stream where he monologued to foolish for like hafe an hour bc i heard it was a cool stream or wtv to realize how much amazing character moments it had that barly anyone in this damn fandom is talking about so ill fucking do it

(Only after finishing this i realized i wrote 1.7k words LOL OOPS)

If u dont know what in talking about its this stream (apologies for linking a clips channel the actual vod on foolish's channel is deleted by now)

Also heads up /rp /dsmp every time i refer to someone here by name is their character unless stated otherwise bc writing c! Before every name Is tiring LOL

Also // suicidal idealization , death mentions

The conversation starts off with foolish and tommy mining for Wilbur, and foolish questions how simply mining will solve the problem to which Tommy reponds with "they dont get solved, do they? It just ends uo with some madman screaming 'Hes solved it!' And now look at him." And how he wants to "prevent the problem before it goes outta hand" something that clearly references Wilbur and his destruction of lmanburg, which paired with him collecting stone for Wilbur as the way to stop said problems he believes if he does anything he can for Wilbur and support him by his side enough this time around, that he wont do anything like thay again, which as im writing this makes be realize by doing that we learn hes blaming himself for what happened to Wilbur in November 16th and pogtopia and a whole, by not being enough for Wilbur in his mind.

The conversation continues, foolish off hand asks why would tommy want to stop Wilbur? Weren't they friends at some point? To which tommy leads foolish to lmanburg and tells him the story of the nation (how it was him and Wilbur's nation, how they made it to espace dream's iron fist and how they held an election "which puts your life on the line, which is good- if you're confident but- perhaps we were too confident", how they lost)

Tommy: "You know the phrase: 'treat other how you wanna be treated', foolish? People dont ever listen to it. Wilbur- he decided he wanted to be treated poorly so he treated everyone around him poorly "

This Tommy quote, to me at least, so so amazingly strong in conveying how understanding he is? To the world around him. Like-

I have not seen one person bring this quote up, and yet its (at least to me) shows such growth and understanding in Tommy i saw little to nothing like it in other streams. It shows he understands, he knew Wilbur didnt change just because, he knows he was struggling, that he thought everyone around him were againt him, were going to abandon him the first chance theyll get- and he thought he deserved it. So he, as a last way to defend himself against that, hurt them first, abandoned them first, so theyll see how much of a 'bad' person he was and take him out- and tommy saw right through that, possibly understanding it more after exile.

This next qoute was talked about much more but i still wanna bring it up

Foolish: "Do you believe in second chances?"

Tommy: "Oh, no I don't really believe that its not really a thing for me foolish its just that-" *sigh* "- i believe everyone has a little bit of good in then and this is not about giving him a second chance or a third chance- its not about *chances* foolish. Its about not giving up on the poeple you care about. "

Which. I mean. I dont know how healthy that mindset is, but comign from Tommy it makes so much sense.

Techno, tubbo, eret, sapnap. These are all people Tommy used to be extremely close to, had either a war or had been betrayed by them, and yet still found it in his heart that he still cares for them, with all of these, they did horrendous things, that hurt tommy physically and mentally, while also not being once or twice, but a contentious thing, but while tommy is to this day still effected by their actions he still found it in himself to forgive, because he knows he fucked up too, a lot, and he knoes they learned from their mistakes just as he had (except c!techno FUCKKK c!techno mf doesnt learn SHITTT) and he knows, when the time comes he knows hed want the people he hurt to forgive him too. (And he wants Wilbur to do the same)

Next qoute i will cut to a couple parts because its really so good and full of character i had to bro

Foolish: "Do you consider yourself to be the good guy or the bad guy?"

Tommy: "It really depends who you ask, isn't it? Yknow? If you asked dream he'd say im *his little toy that he plays with* you know? It doesnt.."

This part really stunned me when i first heard it because, and correct me If im wrong, but i dont think tommy ever acknowledged how dream sees him, and  how right he has his viewpoint too. Just the fact tommy is so *painfully* aware of how dream doesnt even see him as a person anymore but just a toy to mess around with for a while than just throw it away when it get too boring really hurt me. Someone give this kid a hug

(Continued) Tommy: "...foolish, honestly? I used to consider myself 'the good guy', you know? The fuckin'- second in command! But these past- these past like six months or so, foolish, everything got so much harder than it was before. Because before it was just us vs bad guys, it was all so clear! But- its not been 'clear' for so long, right? It wasn't; 'these are the bad guys! These are the good guys!' Now it's : 'he's doing this and it makes him a bit worse-' i mean, it all got so complicated, so- i don't know. Depends who you ask."

He says this, in response to foolish asking if hes a good guy- but its awfully similar to if Wilbur asked him if they were the bad guys. Because foolish just asked about him, and yet in his answer tommy made sure to keep using the words "us, he's, guys" as if hes not really talking about himself, as if hes explaining how Wilbur was wrong. Which he was. Also something interesting ive noticed, he says "the last 6 months or so", which indicated that with Wilbur he knew better to follow his word and leadership- with Wilbur he was always on the right side but when he lost him he felt much more lost alone, and couldn't trust himself enough to be on the "right side" .

Foolish: "I dont know, it all seems strange because just from, you know- hearing from others and, you know, learing a little bit, its seems like you've been the hero, you've been the villain, the conqueror, the savior, and, even now, i have no idea what you exactly are."

Tommy: "that's up to you to decide, isn't it? Im just- *uh*  i dont know. These days, foolish, I'm a little weaker than i used to be"

Foolish couldn't be more right with what he said, another example of this we see where a character acknowledges tommy never sticks to one thing us Charlie when calling him "tommy fron nowhere" which shows more how he cant stick to one thing, during the course of him on the server he had been friends and enemy with nearly everyone, been on pretty much all sides, and while never really intentionally, being in the center of conflict. When foolish says he doesnt know who tommy is anymroe at this point and all Tommy says in return is that "hes a little weaker than he used to be" does to show he misses who he used to be, with lmanburg, with Wilbur, when he knew who he was, now he doesn't know who he is anymore, but still so desperately want to be more demonstrated by the lines coming rigth after that one:

(Continued) Tommy: "..I'm not- I'm now who i want to be, but-"

Foolish: "Being honest with you, Tommy, that's the same case for me as well."

Tommy: "...heres the thing, foolish, unlike you i dont really have a choice. I have to try and be who i want to be, because if i dont, very bad things are gonna happen in this server. And now that Wilbur's back i can't- quite frankly *no one* can risk that. So i dont really have a choice."

Tommy want's to change- he wants to be better than he is now, to be closer to who he used to be, no matter how impossible that might be, but he also sees it as an immediate thing, he wants to change now, or asap, which is why hes collecting stone for Wilbur in the first place- old him would've done that with ease just because Wilbur asked and he wants to have that back so badly, asap. The way he talked about this reminded me of when he tried getting over his trauma stream before he went in the prison to kill dream: he knew he wasnt the best but he tried getting over that asap to go kill dream asap. He didnt wanna take the long road of years of healing and instead thought he could get over it just like that, and that experience clearly didnt teach him anything because now hes trying to slide back to the relationship he and Wilbur used to have and ignoring the drastic changes they both had plus the bad moments that were the reason they feel out in the first place, or maybe he knows, but at this point, after everything that happened to him and the server, he doesnt care anymore? He knows hes not the same he was and he'll never be the same, because thats not how it works, but his mentor, president, big brother is back after so long tommy felt so lost and alone he thinks maybe, this time around, with Wilbur, he could try and be better again.

[wizkiddx]

...surprise

um okay so here I am trying angst again. this is kind of intended to be open ended bcos might have a part two at some point. im also lazy and has a few time jumps. also if someone could pls explain if you just get pics for the top of these off internet or credit on like gifs or something that’d be appreciated.

Summary: Tom comes home and everything is most definitely not the way he left, nor is it healthy

Warnings: please read with caution esp relationship with food / weightloss, but just generally a person in a bad bad head space, lots of self blame - then next parts will carry different warnings too

************************

Tom had been away for months. Months and months away from his girlfriend, separated entirely by his filming locations in Europe and America; while you were busy slowly and steadily climbing the ranks of your law firm. Being an intense period for the pair, you hadn’t managed to see each other in 2 and a half months.  Of course, both go you were used to this - 3 years deep into a relationship between an actor and a wanna-be lawyer- this was the name of the game.

But honestly? You both just kept falling deeper and deeper, making the separation harder to deal with - rather than getting used to it as one might hope.

That's why Tom felt such an incredibly overwhelming wave of relief as he dumped his bags just outside his front door. Even though he was exhausted from the travelling, just the mere act of finally phishing out his housekeys brought a massive grin to his face - caused particularly by the sight of his tacky little keyring from a Moroccan market that you’d bought him. That had been your first holiday. There’s that old saying that before you move in with someone go on holiday first - Tom understood it to mean you supposedly see all the bad and ugly stuff people can hide from each other, a prewiring before committing to living in the same space. However that holiday all he’d learned was incredible you are to him. To his dying day, Tom will never forget the moment he looked over to his left when the two of you were on this night time stargaze in the depth of the Moroccan desert. Y/n had never seen stars like it, the skies so incredibly clear and lit up with an array of magical blues and purples and whites on its sark background. The sight, for no unexplainable reason, had you completely opening up to Tom about things she’d never told a single soul. And in that moment he’d had this sort of realisation. Not about how much he loved her - because that is just the cliche thing everyone says… and also just wasn’t true.

In that moment he’d rather realised the potential. The sort of ‘I’m not there yet but I know you could become the centre of my universe’. The sort of ‘I’m not ready to say this yet, but I want to spend my life with you’. The sort of ‘at some point in my life I’m not sure my heart will be able to beat without yours’.

He still hadn’t quite got to explicitly saying all that yet, by asking you for the ultimate commitment. But he planned to now he was coming back to you.

Even with the chill of the early evening winter air, Tom was almost ecstatic as he unlocked the door and let himself in. He hadn’t told you that he was coming home, you thought he had another two weeks on the job, but Tom was a bit of an old romantic - he loved seeing your eyes fill with wonder as he surprised you in whatever way. Sometimes it was as simple as a note on the fridge, or a small bouquet from behind his back or as fancy as a surprise holiday.

However, this time, though it was only 6 in the evening, all the lights of their house were off making Tom raise an eyebrow as he quietly slipped off his shoes - not wanting to scare Y/n just in case.

Tom had sworn when he’d been on the phone with you the previous day, you didn’t have any plans tonight but perhaps maybe a spontaneous pub trip and been offered with work colleagues. The house felt a little cold as he padded through it, poking his head into every room just to check Y/n wasn’t there. His last port of call was the bedroom.

By this point, Tom was pretty resigned on the fact you were out and he’d maybe cook a meal for when you got back or hide about the house or something. But instead, when he poked his head around this door, he sighed in delight at the sight of a still mound under the plush white sheets. For a brief moment, Tom paused, before tiptoeing steadily round to her bedside. The light was still off but the hallway light illuminated the room enough so he could make out your soft features and the messy ball of hair that had been haphazardly thrown in a bun. Furthermore, he could also notice in the light the packet of painkillers and migraine tablets lying opened on the bedside - which made him freeze. Y/n didn’t get migraines often at all, but when she did Tom knew just how bad they could be. That explained the fact you were spark out at six o’clock, making Tom give a sympathetic smile. He crept back out the room with a little spring in his step, deciding that since he had had a long day travelling he'd grab a snack and join you. Unfortunately though, when he enthusiastically yanked the fridge open the sight was a rather depressing one. He didn’t really know what he was craving but the fridge contents were of almost no use to anyone. The place was bloody baron, apart from a tub of butter and of course his special beers that Y/n would never dare touch. With a small huff though, Tom resigned himself to some bread and butter, before getting ready for bed.

It was probably an hour later when Tom was carefully crawling under the duvet to settle in beside Y/n after the disappointing snack and maybe a solitary ‘welcome home beer’ - it would be rude not to. God was he excited to just have his girlfriend in his arms again though. So, Tom naturally reached over and powerfully yet gently pulled you back towards him - making your back flush with his as you mumbled something incoherent. Chuckling slightly at your apparent annoyance of being disturbed, Tom pressed a kiss to her temple before settling down momentarily.

But something wasn’t quite right, making Tom shuffle about a bit - ever adjusting huis grasp on your waist as he attempted to get comfy. With the migraine medications forcing you into a deep deep sleep you barely stirred and that just made the unease increase for Tom. Because you didn’t feel right. This didn’t feel right. Ever so slowly Tom started to peel back the duvet from your body from his now sitting upright position. Typically, Y/n was wearing one of his hoodies, however more concerningly it seemed to pool and collect around your frame more than normal.

Now, Y/n was never the most petite person in the world - by no means overweight, instead of beautiful curves and muscle. To Tom now though, it was as if someone had literally shrunk you - like a picture on a word document you needed to make narrower to fit the margins. Even in the dim light of the bedroom he know realised you looked pale. Honestly, Tom didn’t know how long he just sat there staring at you, until you sighed a little and pulled the duvet back up to just under your chin.

He didn’t know what to think or do. All he knew was you didn’t look well and that you hadn’t said a thing to him. Feeling so very uncomfortable within himself, Tom climbed out the bed and simultaneously grabbed his phone. He knew he had to call someone, to check that you hadn’t been ill - but then who to call? Someone that wouldn’t judge or instantly worry- your mum was completely off the cards. Also, he hadn’t even given you the chance to explain yet, so really he knew there was only a couple of options who were close enough to him too.

“Hey what’s up?” “Um nothing much, back in the UK though so-“ “Oh shit really! Kept that one quite bro” “Yeh well came back to surprise Y/n” “Oh you're soooo whipped” “Fuck off Haz, have you um… have you seen her recently anyway?” “You're asking me if I’ve seen your girl while you’ve been away?” “I’m being serious. You’re pretty much brother and sister and I’m -I’m a bit worried.” “What? You know she wouldn’t cheat especially with me” Haz’s tone turned less serious, using a goofy accent “ I know too much.” Haz still attempted to lighten the mood, this conversation very unexpected and making him grow more and more concerned himself. “Haz quit it. I’m worried she’s been ill. I’ve come in and she’s asleep with a migraine but there’s no food in the fridge and she’s skinny as hell.” “Fuck er sorry I didn’t realise. But um no she’s been cancelling on us for the past like two weeks cos like…I don’t know said she was just snowed under at the firm so” “But before then?” “No yeh she was fine. Went to the pub a couple times and she always drove so didn’t drink but nothing weird - think she wanted to keep a clear head. What are you thinking?” “I don’t know to be honest mate. She seemed fine on the phone but I swear to god she looks half the size  of what she was when I left.” “Just talk to her in the morning? She probably is just stressed if work has been mad busy.” Tom hummed in agreement, half trying to convince himself too. “Yeh yeh, sorry for bothering you.” “Oh shut up mate - I’ll see you both at your parents for the roast tomorrow? Sams got some new recipe I think, he’s been wittering on about it for days.” “Yeh we’ll be there, see you then mate.” 

After signing off to Haz, Tom placed his phone on the little table on the upstairs hallway and sighed. He knew he was being over-protective but he couldn’t help it. Y/n was always the one to care for him, in fact to care for everybody int he room and then some.

He’d get to the bottom of whatever this was tomorrow, and so the rest of the evening Tom spent rather unhappily get ready before bed yet again before climbing back in next to you.

///////////////////////////

Tom woke before you, a combination of jet lag and the worry in the pit of his stomach meaning he stirred awake first. Instinctively he pulled you closer and nuzzled his nose into the side of your neck as he slowly began to wake up properly - shrugging off the grogginess. Tom was still really excited for you to realise he was back, predicting you  to excitedly hug him ever so tight and then spend the morning between the sheets. He knew you found the distance tough, especially when all your closest friends were coupled off, it meant you just didn’t have ‘your person’. It was almost as if you were single again and instead of pining over an ex, hopelessly and completely in love with someone across the globe. But that just made your time together even more invaluable and precious.

So even with his slight unease at your slimmer silhouette, Tom didn't have any control over the loopy grin that came to his face as you started to stir and mumble something incoherent, all the while (and subconsciously) inching closer towards him. By the slight fluttering under your eyelid, Tom knew you were waking up and so took the moment to tuck your frizzy bed hair behind your ear. Sighing contently Y/n’s eyes fluttered completely open and Tom met your gaze with the most gently of smiles.

However, he then watched moment by moment as your expression morphed for one of peacefulness and content, through confusion, and ending at pure terror. He had barely thought of asking you why, before you yelped, throwing yourself up into a sitting position and backing as far away on the bed as you could from Tom. “TOM... I-you can’t be here! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!” “Y/n hey what’s wrong-“ “GET OUT! G-GET THE FUCK OUT! YOU CAN’T BE HERE” you  yanked the bedsheets to completely cover your huddled up body, as if trying to protect yourself. At this point, tears were streaming down your face and what truly terrified Tom was the expression of horror in your eyes. He threw his hands in the air and unsteadily stumbled to his feet. “O-okay I’m-“ “GET OUT!!! YOU CAN'T SEE ME GET OUT!” Completely bemused and shocked, Tom just nodded jerkily -already halfway out the door and accidentally slamming it in haste.

He had absolutely zero clue what that was about. But what he knew for a fact? He’d never ever seen you like that… you looked so completely terrified… of him? Tom couldn’t for the life of him work out what the hell was going on, as he paced from the shut door to the hallway wall and back again, running his hand through his hair throughout. He could hear you sobbing and whisper yelling - presumably at yourself. It felt as though his heart was being torn out, seeing you that upset and it appearing as his fault? He was acting on pure instinct and adrenalin because your pain hurt him too. He had no control of the physiological response in his body, making his hands shake and breathing increase in speed as it inversely got shallower too.

And so he took a short inhalation, biting his bottom lip as he knocked on the door. “Y/n?….” He got no response after waiting a couple of seconds so tried again - because he could hear you trying to stifle your sobs. After another two failed attempts he opted for a different approach. “Y/n… I’m worried about you… look, I know your upset right now but I need you to let me know your okay… or I’ll have to come in and…and I don’t want to spook you” “Don’t come in.” It was a sharp reply, with a voice that was cracked and clearly trying to keep It together. “Okay… I-I’m sorry if my surprise of coming home was a dumb idea…I-I’ve missed you.” Tom tried speaking softly, as he knelt down and sat with this back against the wall while nervously fiddling with his watch strap that he’d forgot to take off last night. Again he waited for a response but got nothing, again having to warn you he needed to know you were okay. He heard movements from the other side of the door, making him turn his head to the left, pressing his ear on the cool gloss paint. “I-I’m sorry” You barely were whispering, but Tom could sense you were now sitting in a position mirroring his “You don’t meed to apologise love” Returning her tone, Tom sighed at the end - trying to get his brain to process what was going on.

Y/n wasn’t one to overreact and Tom could count on one hand the number of serious fights they’d had in the three year romance. And even then, he was the one to raise his voice - when she argued it was more reasoned, slow and controlled. Actually it was one of the things that in those moments infuriated him even more - you were just so level headed and sensible. Scratch that, sensible purely in this context - everywhere else you were just as loopy as him. So this situation felt so very alien. He didn’t know how to help you and he bloody hated feeling useless.

After a few moments, you replied to apologise once again, for shouting specifically,  and Tom nodded - not that you could see. But that was one of the things Y/n had taught him, sometimes you just have accept things - no matter the context. Accept he wasn’t actually a superhero and couldn’t do everything, accept that sometimes he could be a dick and out of line or accept an apology.

“Can you.. can you try and tell me why your upset? I want to help.” He was trying to be gentle, non-confrontational. But he knew something was so wrong. He needed to know so he could try and help out. “I…”Y/n began, but quickly trailed off, as if trying to formulate the words properly. “I’ve just been ill and” again another pause “and I haven’t been looking after myself very well. I just planned to be umm- to be better when you got back.”

It wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t really the truth either, at least not the whole truth. But it wasn’t a lie.

“I’m not sure I understand why your so worried about what I think though?” Tom inquired, as he started to fiddle with the door handle in his left hand - as if easing the idea of coming into his girlfriend without scaring you. In reply, you sighed again trying to put the words together without explicitly spelling it out to him. “I don’t- I thought you’d just be disappointed or-or think I’m reliant on you. I’m not and I can handle myself I just…. I don’t know.” “I love you, you idiot.”Tom chuckled at that, while standing up. “Can I come in now please? I promise I’m not disappointed just want to help you feel better.”

The door opened and no sooner could Tom take a step forward than Y/n ran into his chest, wrapping herself tightly around him in apology. He knew that he didn’t have the full story but really didn’t want to push her, more preferring to just love her. So that’s what they spent the rest of the morning doing, in their pyjamas and watching TV. Quite obviously, she wasn’t really making a lot of conversation, Tom filled some gaps with talking about filming - to which she’d hum in agreement or chuckle along. But for the most part Y/n was concentrating on something else.

The all-consuming guilt. That was what was eating away at her.

part 2?