#ill admit. for a while id purposely go days without taking my meds so when i took them i could get that feeling back a little

[prowl-autism-extraordinaire]

i cried when i woke up the day after i took sleeping meds. id forgotten what rest felt like. i could see colors- like the world had been greyed out and was suddenly saturated again. i could feel amusement again. my body hurt but i could move. breathing wasn’t a conscious chore. it was fucking incredible

[willard-spriggems]

I lay here feeling trapped in this endless cycle of pain and destruction over the years ive experienced and learned how this world and the ppl in it are i always offer a welcoming smile following a friendly nod all whole holding back the tears i dont kno why i feel this way i dont wanna keep blaming my childhood and past relationships im told i have depression. Anxiety. Boader line personality disorder. Ptsd. So it that the results of what ive endured the meds work for a short while then back ti the drawing board the seraquil had a rare side affect tht has left me legally blind so i get a little nervous trying new meds the time is another problem they all seek to take two weeks to work if they do at all when im at low low i dont have two weeks so i venture out and get something else to alter my state of mind to the average person you see a addict when in reality im just a person trying to survive i have a daughter she will be 4 this month she lives a hr away with a friend well we used to he friends like everything else ive managed to fuck that up so seein my daughter is hard i ask often how shes doing all i get is fine ive apologized many times i personally feel im being punished all i did was call her a bitch months ago im simply liveing for that little girl i offer others support and advice on the unfortunate things we can go threw other than that i feel i have no purpose my mind is never not thinking about every aspect of every suiation im in or may be in its helped me and its hurt me but each day is mentally draining so yea i get a break when that needle goes into my vain i have many regrets i never thought id be here well technically i shouldn't be here now when i was 18 i took 22 seraquil i had enough but stupid me forgot to lock my door friend i let stay caught me and called i died in the icu i was out of it for 3 days none of my family or friends came to see me that made me feel even worse back to the mental floor im pretty much a reguler there i hate the way life is but im afraid of change and failing i wanna do gokd amd feel good without drugs i wanna not have a panic attack because i simply have to go to the store im trying to stay positive here lately ive been better but today im sober no physical withdrawal just my normal mind slowly seeping back in like a endless amount of wasps flooding threw a window all i can do is accept it deal with it and hope things get better i just hate it im a very good person like i dont deserve this my heart is pure i just wanna be happy and help others ive been in therapy all my life it sucks sitting there talking to someone who has absolutely no fuckin clue how u feel i dont know how everything feels but i got a good chunk and with tht if i can prevent anyone from going threw anything i did thats a victory for me even if someone just needs to talk im here ur helping me escape a little and that's nice i just like helping ill admit i am a huge hypocrite when it comes to drugs ill tell u the steps u need to take but i dont use them myself i have alot of good in me and alot of bad some days the good wins some the bad just know my intentions are always good i guess thats all i have for now

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