#ik its not a super well known bit but i will say it until the day i die

[ghost-bard]

Me when guideau is an unreliable narrator lmao

[zoekrystall]

I will never not be at least a bit baffled how I never got into mcr. A friend can happily try to change that but I tried to for them but just. Could not get into it. By all means I should or child me should have but I guess it never aligned for me. Like yeah I like the black parade who doesn't but that's that.

Thought brought to you by listening to three days grace again and thinking abt all bands/artists I listened to in childhood bc life sucked.

I listened to three days grace a fuck ton I listened to human and one-x prob the most but also life starts now lots.

Also hollywood undead but only selected songs (medicine the most prob, next to kill everyone, and dead bite. less I don't wanna die, and save me)

Skillet but I don't really anymore at least the new stuff. I listened to all of rise a lot. freakshow, madness in me, and circus for a psycho, rise the most tho prob. album awake too, monster is such a known song. i think? i listened to the album comatose also a lot. mix of wanting to die while being lovesick ig.

Fall out boy too but more selective. the phoenix, my songs know what you did in the dark, this ain't a scene it's an arms race, twin skeletons (hotel in nyc)

Grounbreaking a fuck ton the album we are monsters came out when I got snatched from home and put somewhere that only caused more trauma for the first time and I could forever talk abt him I listen to everything since then.

Set it off too but not too many dif songs back then. midnight had such a tight grip on me and i still find the whole album such a banger but that came out in 2019.

Oh fuck almost forgot linkin park (i still think abt those dumb "link in park" edits w tloz link in a park help). who doesn't know at least in the end. listened to a few songs by them too. in the end is still such a banger.

idk does icon for hire count I think. I still follow them i listened to a lot of their stuff at night esp the albums scripted and you can't kill us.

I think those are all in this category that I have kind of a connection to artist wise and didn't just listen to a couple of songs. all others aren't such artists bc i also coped w love songs a fuck ton (and my lifeline who I thought abt when I did remains the same and prob will until i die) or other stuff

ofc i was and still am a marina girlie but that isn't in this category. electra heart fav album there prob.

others that either a i only listened to a few songs but the band/artist doesn't really mean anything to me or b the artist means smth to me but i don't think it's in the same category as the above ones. still only ones for coping (you could argue all music is but like. ones that got prioritized at night either bc comfy or ones that made me get to cry bc fuck was that hard to do thx to circumstances. only had some weekends at actual own home for that privacy). obv not every single song just if ik the band is/was popular or at least that song or if i liked it significantly enough back then.

Veridia. I listened to at the end of the world, pretty lies (nightcore ty for introducing), and crazy in a good way the most. but also disconnected and cheshire smile.

Some stuff from alec benjamin mostly as nightcore. paper crown, mind is a prison, must have been the wind (the most prob, hold wait what how 2020 that feels older, tech dismissed but whatev), outrunning karma, water fountain, i built a friend

Freaks from timmy trumpet and savage is a classic and I still freq listen to it it is such a banger ngl

Be somebody and the end is where we begin by thousand foot krutch. both well known and still rly good.

Someone finally buy me lost ember bc the song all that you are is extremely comforting since years

Simeon curtis's whole R△ album. Still listen to him often. also a fair amount of super 8-bit heart.

you're going down by sick puppies. don't got much to say i just know its popular and i listened to it a fair amount.

all the king's men by the rigs. have not listened to it in ages but it is rly pretty.

hey alice by rachel rose mitchell. still rly love this song sang it a lot and i do listen to the new stuff toom underrated artist imo.

idk why but spotify threw good for you from that dear evan hansen musical in my face years ago and it rly got me so. here. i love musical songs ngl and i mean. it is rly good. idk how the musical is idc.

OH MY GOD I FORGOT PAPA ROACH to be fair that is in the middle I mainly just cared abt some songs. like. getting away with murder and last resort.

panic at the disco prob belongs at the top but idc anymore I wrote too much. fuck urie i only care abt the past stuff and if i say i love it does it only apply to the good times. too weird to live too young to die and death of a bachelor my beloved. i listened to sm on death of a bachelor and still do.

landslide by oh wonder. oh my god. i found it through the wander over yonder fandom ages ago iirc. it is. so so so pretty and still makes me almost immediately cry. such a nice song and was much needed.

to keep the v v pretty. where butterflies never die by broken iris is rly pretty. i however inflicted emotional damage on myself mostly with a new hope which I still canNOT fully listen to ages later without an emotional reaction.

ofc i also know wonderwall by oasis but i don't think it ever hit me as much as it did for others

king and lionheart n also mountain sound by of monsters and men. still rly love mountain sound.

just. a lot by nickelback. i still like the songs or at least some of it. the ones i listened to the most back then were holding on to heaven, don't ever let it end, if everyone cared, just to get high, if today was your last day (i think one of the first ones i heard, thx to a sonic x amv out of all possibilities sjsk)

boy like me by new medicine made me embarrassingly sad. i just remember making a bath so hot my skin gets red turning my love playlist on w these songs and zoning out weekly.

omg right lots of songs by madame macabre. mostly god syndrome, the pianist, cybernetic entities, balloon animals iirc.

also like just lots of others as nightcore or vocaloid songs I'm forgetting. like echo for example.

i listened a lot too dreams of an absolution too from sonic 06. still one of my favs idk if i used it for neg or pos.

maps by kurt hugo schneider n others the i think? cover? is so pretty i listened and sang it a lot in the night. still one of my favs.

imagine dragons w their old bangers monster, i bet my life, etc. ofc too. hate how they're nowadays.

only one by illenium was such a comfort song god. v pretty. can't listen to it while doing stuff. idk if it is more directed towards my back then bff or my other lifeline.

oh right halsey. i listend to gasoline so damn much. also to castle and control occasionally.

i was also obsessed with i miss the misery by halestorm

omg right. you're so creepy by ghost town. i still kinda like it it is so edgy. lil me was way more obsessed.

don't you dare forget the sun n keep myself alive by get scared. i still rly like them.

one for the money by escape the fate

Appalachian wine by eleventyseven is still rly pretty

Until we die by daïtshi

dance with the devil by breaking benjamin

this is gonna hurt by sixx:a.m.

and way way more if I would've moved the cut off year up but I wanted to focus early years not when I was v close to being an adult

to end this my all time comfort song I often cried myself to sleep with forever ago is fallen angel from panty and stocking. dreams dreams (adult vers not the kids thx) from nights journey of dreams was also a rly big one. in the name of love but only alexander stewart's cover was also rly comforting in the night and still is. only know a nightcore of it.

[comphersjost]

All For You | 5 [Finale] ➸ Brady Tkachuk and Matthew Tkachuk

firstly, i want to say thank you all so fucking much for the love, the support, the countless asks, comments, and reblogs on this series. this is an epilogue of sorts - mostly focusing on matty’s POV - as well as a tribute to the first part that started this all. enjoy my loves <3

4 times Matty knew he loved you, and the one time he knew you loved him.

word count: 6.8k+

warnings: some smut, not super descriptive, angst, elias and noah being little shits, lots of elaboration on events previously mention in the series :)

part one

part two 

part three

part four

masterlist

I. 

The game was brutal. You curled up on your couch to watch it, your body tense the entire time. You lost track of how many times Matt fought someone on the ice, whether he went after someone on behalf of one of his teammates, or when he was being targeted. To say the least...Matt got his ass handed to him.

The game ends with the Rangers shutting out the Flames. You keep the TV on, anxious to see if Matt was going to be interviewed. He wasn’t, but you caught glimpses of him behind Mark Giordano as he answered questions in that monotone hockey voice. Matt looked like a wreck from what you saw, bruises forming on his face and hair an absolute mess. 

You shake your head and turn the TV off, immediately reaching for your phone. You text him without thinking, not realizing what you did until you see ‘delivered’ under the messages. 

you: i’m sorry about the game :( you: anything i can do? you: ice cream or something? 

You panic when the read receipt pops up almost immediately. You'd only been in Calgary for about a month, and only hung out with him a couple of times - and that was with constant reassurance from Brady that you weren't a burden on him. Either way, there's no way he would trust you that much right? 

Three short consecutive buzzes sounded, snapping you out of your spiraling thoughts. 

matthew: can i come over? matthew: if that's cool with you matthew: no worries if not ik you said you haven't totally unpacked 

You can't help the smile that tugs at your lips at the last text. Maybe he really didn't see you as just his brother’s best friend. You quickly type a response back. 

you: of course you can !! you: and fyi i did unpack you: sorta 

matthew: am i supposed to believe that???? matthew: be there in like. 20 matthew: i still gotta shower lol

you: then shower it up stink monster you: see u sooooon you: any snack/drink requests? 

It takes a few minutes to get a response from him, and you assumed that he showered during that time. Over the past month Matt almost never lagged when it came to responding to texts, except for practices and games. 

Your phone buzzes again, but this time it’s a Snapchat notification from Matt. You click on it and the app switches. Tapping on the red square reveals Matt, seemingly fresh out of the shower with his thumb up. That caption reads “fastest shower time on the team? yessir”, another caption underneath reading “no longer a stink monster”.

You laugh and respond to a photo of the top half of your face, typing out “yeah yeah answer my text stinky”. He opens the snap immediately, and 30 seconds later you get a text from him. 

matthew: yo tbh if you have popcorn 👀👀

you: ur in luck i do!! the super buttery kind tho :/

matthew: my fave matthew: don't tell anyone on the team tho 

You pause for a moment. You hadn't even met anyone on the team, only heard them in the background of the few phone calls you'd had with Matthew. Did he want you to meet them? 

Shaking the thought out of your head, you react to the message with the laugh reaction and assure him you won't. He texts you to let you know he was on his way and suddenly you panic again. Matt hadn't been in your apartment since your first week in Calgary. Even then it wasn't really your apartment, it was just an empty place filled with boxes. He had helped you build all the furniture that had arrived, but since then you’d only hung out with him at restaurants or bars or coffee shops. 

You don't know why the idea of him in your space makes anxiety wash over you, and you have to remind yourself that Matt is someone you grew up with. He's your best friend’s brother and someone you've known your whole life, but for some reason you still felt like you had something to prove to him. 

There's a heavy knock on your door before you can pull yourself out of your head enough to make sure everything in your apartment is clean and tidy, and you almost want to scream but you figure it would be weirder than having a slightly messy living room. 

When you open the door for Matt, the first thing you notice are the two forming bruises on his face. The second thing you notice is how tired he looks, his smile genuine but still not reaching his eyes. 

“Hey,” you breathe out, “Come in.” He bumps your shoulder softly in a silent greeting as he slips past you into your apartment. 

“The place looks great, Y/N/N,” Matt says softly, admiring the decorations and photos you’d placed around to make it feel more like home. You're glad he isn't facing you and can't see the surprised look on your face at hearing him call you by your nickname. 

“Thanks Matty,” you say, your anxiety fading when he turns to smile at you again. “I’ll get the popcorn, you can pick a movie or a show or something, if you want.” You chuckle softly as he all but collapses on your couch, stretching out as you make your way towards the kitchen. 

Matt’s eyes follow you as you disappear through the doorway, the sound of the microwave starting just a few moments later. If he wasn't so tired and bruised he would pay more attention to the nervousness bubbling up inside of him. It had been a long time since he really hung out with you like this - the last time he can remember was probably his senior year of high school. Brady had been gone on a class trip for one of the few classes you hadn't taken together, and Taryn was still too young for you to relate to her. So for a full week you showed up at their door and flopped on his bed, or vice versa, claiming that you were bored and were there to stay. He remembers pretending to be annoyed, but inside he was practically screaming, overthinking every little thing that he said to you. 

His teammates would chirp him if they knew - Matt had known that for sure. What, a hotshot hockey playing senior getting butterflies over a sophomore girl? Oh, he would be torn apart in the locker room. That's why he didn't kiss you then. It was stupid, really, now that he thought back on it, but he was 17 then, and his teammates’ opinions were more important to him than taking a chance with his brother’s best friend. 

But now you were here. In Calgary. And he was here, in your apartment.

He feels 17 again, your sweet voice floating from the kitchen asking him if he wanted anything to drink. He replies that he only wants water, and decides to take you up on looking through Netflix. He settles for a random episode of Parks and Rec when you come back to the living room, a bowl of popcorn in one hand, and two glasses of water somehow held in the other. 

You make a face at him and shove his legs out of the way with your foot, placing the bowl and glasses on the table. You laugh when he groans and moves his legs out of the way so you can sit, before moving them back onto the couch to tangle with your own. Matt reaches for the bowl of popcorn as you snatch a blanket from its spot on the back of the couch and drape it over both of your legs. 

“Still cold all the time, Y/N/N?” Matt teases, nudging his foot against your knee as you laugh sharply. 

“Haven't changed a bit, Matty,” you throw back immediately. Your heart skips a beat when he laughs, a really, loud, genuine laugh, head thrown back and everything. You can't help but think that it suits him more than the tired smile he wore when he showed up at your door. 

“You really haven't,” he says with a grin, eyes finally sliding back to yours. His hair curls over his forehead, but you can't look away from his eyes. The intensity of his stare makes you shiver, and you pretend it’s from the cold, pulling the blanket towards you more and looking away. You ignore his grumble of protest, but he lets you do it anyway. 

“You haven't changed either, you know,” you say quietly. He stays silent, only shifting in his spot to get more comfortable. 

The two of you fall into a comfortable silence, your eyes on the TV and his on...well his eyes are on you. He thinks back to all the times he wanted to make a move on you. Countless hours he spent beating himself up for letting the opportunities slip through his fingers because of his stupid pride. 

He's not 17 anymore, he could kiss you right now. He could wrap his arms around your waist and pull you into his lap, kiss you until you're breathless and absolutely begging for him. 

But he doesn't. 

Not when you look like this, so comfortable and warm and here. He can't kiss you when you opened your home to him after a tough loss. He can't take advantage of you like that. 

So Matt trains his eyes on the TV again, sneaking glances at you here and there as he all but shovels popcorn into his mouth so he doesn't say something stupid. He doesn't realize you've fallen asleep until he sneaks another glance at you, this time looking for just a little longer than a split second. 

Your eyes are closed, cheek smushed into the cushion and your chest rising and falling with soft, even breaths. He realizes then how tired you must be, it’s nearly 11:30 and he knows you have to be up early for work. He can't tear his eyes away, can't help but take advantage of being able to stare at you without getting caught. 

God, you're so cute like this, he wishes you were in his arms instead of on the other side of the couch. He wants this to last as long as possible, but your head is tilted at an awkward angle, and he doesn't want you to go to work tomorrow in pain. 

Instead of taking his time looking over every inch of your adorable sleeping face, he gently untangles his legs from yours, grabbing the empty bowl and cups and heading to the kitchen. Once he's done washing them and placing them on the drying rack, he heads back to you, pausing in the doorway for one more moment to just look at you. 

He finally convinces himself that he’s stared enough, it’s getting creepy now, and you need to go to bed. Matt makes his way back to you, squatting down and gently placing a hand on your arm. 

“Y/N/N?” he says softly, rubbing softly up and down your arm. 

“Hmm?” you hum softly, blinking slowly with blurry eyes. 

“You gotta go to bed,” he murmurs, and he can't stop himself from brushing a piece of hair out of your face. “You have work in the morning, c’mon.” 

You whine in protest and your eyes flutter shut again. You're too comfortable, too warm to get up now. Matt sighs, resignation setting in. He slowly peels the blanket off of you, folding and draping over the back of the couch like before, before sliding his arms underneath your back and knees and lifting you effortlessly. 

You mumble something unintelligible as you bury your face in his chest. Matt says nothing as he finds your bedroom, depositing you on your bed as soft as he can, and tugging the duvet out from under you and then back over you again. 

“You can't go home,” you mumble again, louder, grabbing his hand feebly before he can walk away. Matt freezes at the implication, even though he knows the thoughts spiraling in his mind are unlikely in your barely awake state. “S’late Matty, you can't go home.” 

“Y-you-you want me to sleep here?” he stutters, and you nod, blissfully unaware of the rampage of emotions in Matt’s head.

“Guest bedroom’s furnished,” you slur, voice thick with exhaustion. “Don't go home. S’late.” With that, you're fast asleep again, and Matt - well -

Fuck, Matt thinks. He's fucked. And he knows it. 

II. 

Based on the look on Noah’s face, Matt knows he's going to get one hell of a lecture as soon as you're out of earshot. He'd finally taken you to meet his teammates, and he was really starting to regret it. He knows that you're beautiful, he'd just rather not watch his teammates stare shamelessly. He really is glad he told them warned them to keep their hands off though, using the excuse that you were his brother’s best friend and there was no way he would let those hooligans go after you. 

But now that you're actually meeting them, Matt knows that they're going to call him on his shit. His team knows him better than that. 

His hand is resting against the small of your back as he leads you to a booth towards the back of the bar. He slows down before he gets within earshot of the table, leaning in to ask softly, “You okay?” 

You glance up at him with a nervous smile, but nod anyways. “Yeah,” you assure him, “I’m good, I just hope they like me.” 

Matt laughs at that, shaking his head at your confused expression. His laugh fades as you raise an eyebrow, looking at him expectantly. “They'll love you,” he finally clarifies, “Promise.” 

“Promise?” you say skeptically. 

“Promise,” he confirms, and the grin on his face is infectious, you can't help but smile back at him. “C’mon,” he says, pushing you lightly until you reach the table. 

“Matty!” exclaims one of the men at the table. A brunette, from what you can see in the dim light, and a face that makes him look 14. At his drunken greeting, the rest of the men and women at the table turn to look at you and Matt, making you shift uncomfortably under their collective gaze. 

“Aaand he’s drunk already, this is Brady and I’s friend, Y/N,” Matt introduces you, his hand sliding from your back to squeeze your hand comfortingly. He introduces each of the people at the table - the baby-faced one was named Johnny - before nudging the blonde that looked like a Disney prince until he moved over to make room for the two of you. 

“Hi,” you say, smiling shyly around the table. “It’s nice to meet you all, Matt’s told me a lot about you.” 

“Hope he wasn't talking shit,” Prince Charming teases with a slight accent, flashing you a bright smile. What was his name? Elias? 

“Oh he talks the most shit,” you banter, a sly smile tugging at your lips at Matt’s incredulous protest. “Always going on and on about how annoying you guys are - mmf!” Your teasing is cut short by Matt’s hand covering your mouth. Without thinking you lick the palm of his hand, laughing when he snatches it away again and off of your mouth. 

“That's gross,” Matt complains, wiping his hand on his jeans. 

“You asked for that,” you shoot back, elbowing him lightly when he rolls his eyes. 

“You know, I’m starting to regret this,” he grumbles, fighting the smile playing on his lips, “you’re just as annoying as them.” 

“Be nice Chucky!” Noah pipes up. You recognize him from the few times you’d stopped by Matthew’s apartment but had never stayed long enough to actually get to know him. 

“Yeah, Chucky,” you taunt, “better be nice to me, I know where you live during the off-season too.” The table erupts into laughter at that, and you accept a fist bump from Elias. 

“I like this one, Matthew,” Giordano says, “You better keep bringing her around.” 

You flush at the compliment, having heard how highly Matt speaks of his captain. 

Matt feels you relax into the booth, the tension in your body since your arrival finally draining at the approval from his team. He leans down slightly to murmur in your ear, “I told you they'd love you.” You smile at his words, tuning back into the conversation that had started up again. 

“Matthew,” Elias suddenly says, drawing your attention away from the intense discussion about whether or not hotdogs were considered sandwiches (the group was split almost 50/50, by the way). “Let’s go get more drinks. Noah?” 

You scoot out of the booth to let the two of them slip out, heading to the bar with Noah in tow, sliding back in to find yourself seated beside a beautiful blonde girl. She laughs when you say timidly, “I’m sorry, could you all tell me your names again?” 

She introduces herself in a thick accent as Annica, Elias’s girlfriend, and the other girls do too, before quickly striking up a conversation. “Do not worry,” she says kindly, “I forgot most names the first time I met too.” You laugh at that, before some of the wives and girlfriends start to ask you about yourself. 

“How do you know Matthew?” Brittany, Sean Monohan’s girlfriend, asks curiously. 

“I grew up with him,” you explain. “Brady’s my best friend, they live across the street from my family.” 

At the same time that you’re getting to know the girls at the table, Elias is slapping Matt upside the head. 

“Dude!” Matt groans. “What the fuck?” 

Noah rolls his eyes at Matt’s faux-obliviousness, “Dude, that girl is a smokeshow.” Noah manages to dodge Matt’s fist aimed at his arm, smirking at the defensiveness. “Just your friend huh?” he chirps, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. 

Matt groans again, “Yes, just a friend, the hands-off rule still applies.” 

Elias snorts, unconvinced, leaning back against the bar to observe you interacting with the team and WAGs. “She’s funny, and fits in well,” Elias remarks. “And Noah is right, she is a smokeshow.” 

“I know,” Matt grumbles. “Don't you have a girlfriend?”

Elias throws his head back and laughs. “Annica pointed out when you walked in. Anyway, she's yours, clearly.” 

“Dude.” 

Matt was getting really sick of the chirping coming from his teammates. To be fair - they were right, but he couldn't let them know that. But as he follows Elias’s gaze to see you talking animatedly to the girls at the table - all of their attention trained on you - he can't help the soft smile on his lips. He's right, you do fit in well. 

He wonders how you'd look wearing a jacket with his name on the back. 

Noah’s voice snaps him out of his daydream. “I'm just saying man, you already look like you're halfway in love with her, so get on that.” 

“No,” Matt snaps finally, before his expression drops slightly. “Besides, our parents are fully convinced that she and Brady are gonna end up getting married or whatever.” 

Noah and Elias both wince at that, giving him sympathetic glances. Matt rolls his eyes, snatching half the round of drinks the bartender had deposited in front of them, and heading back to the booth, knowing that Elias and Noah were hot on his heels. Thankfully, he makes it before they can say anything else that might inspire Matt to do something stupid. 

But as he slides back in beside you, watching you interact with his teammates - his family away from family - he can't help but think about how wrong Noah was. 

More than halfway, Noah, way more than halfway. 

III. 

Matt’s lifelong habit of running away from his feelings just didn't seem to apply to you. No matter how much his feelings grew, how much they scared him, he still stayed. He still hung out with you, and texted you constantly. He still brought you to every team event under the guise of not wanting some random girl with him, and that he'd much rather have you there. 

When you told him about your feelings for his brother, it stung. So Matt did the only thing he could - not run away, he could never run from you. He crushed the hurt away, pushed his feelings down down down until they were just a whisper at the back of his mind. 

But then he made a mistake. He made an enormous, colossal, devastating mistake. 

He kissed you. 

He was wine-drunk, and so were you. Maybe that's why you let him. Maybe that's why you kissed him back. It was easier to believe that it was a drunken decision than let himself have any hope. 

You'd been at his apartment for dinner, something that had become a weekly occurrence now. Matt couldn't deny that he liked this, having you to himself without anyone Brady to steal your attention. 

You'd ordered in today, boxes of Thai takeout littering the counter. Matthew hadn't bothered to clean up after you were both done eating, insisting that he’d take care of it later, and for now you could just hang out. So that's what you did. 

The two of you sprawled on his couch, forgoing wine classes to just pass the bottle back and forth until both of you were giggling. Your cheeks felt warm from the wine, and you felt good. You felt relaxed and at home. 

You're thrown into another fit of giggles when Matt reminds you of the time Brady had fallen asleep after a game when you had all gone out for ice cream. He had ended up face planting directly into a scoop of his barely-eaten vanilla ice cream in the car on the way home, immediately snapping awake at the cold dessert hitting him directly in the face. 

Through your laughter, you say “What about the time you were trying to impress - hic - that girl - what was her name, Brenna? - and then you -” you cut yourself off, laughing uncontrollably at the unimpressed look on Matt’s face. He knew exactly what you were talking about, and it was easily one of the more embarrassing moments of his life. When you can catch your breath again you finish “- and you were staring so you slipped and fell on the ice!” 

Matt groans as you keep laughing, before a devious idea comes to mind. You know that look on his face all too well, your eyes widening as your laughter dies down. 

“Matt-” you start as he starts reaching for you, turning into a shriek when his hands reach their destination. “Matt, no!” 

His fingers finding your sides and tickling you mercilessly. 

“Matt!” you gasp, squirming to escape the torture. “I’m sorryyyyy! I won't mention it again, I promise!” 

He pauses for a moment, eyeing you suspiciously. 

“Promise?” he asks, his hands not leaving your sides even when you nod. He hums when you promise, distracted by your closeness. The wine made his mind fuzzy, and the feelings he's been harboring for so long come bubbling to the surface. 

Matt is terrified he's going to say something he’ll regret - especially with the knowledge of your feelings for Brady - so he does the only thing that will shut him up. He does what he was too cowardly to do when he was 17.

He kisses you. 

A surprised moan escapes your throat, but then you sigh, leaning into him and leaning into the kiss. His hold tightens around you as he tilts his head to slot your lips together. Your hands come up to run through his messy curls, making a noise of appreciation at how soft his hair is. 

Matt can't help himself, he leans back to his side of the couch, tugging you with him and into his lap. One hand leaves your waist to cup your jaw as you straddle him, his teeth tugging at your lip before sliding his tongue into your mouth. The hand on your waist comes down to your ass, a strangled moan breaking the kiss as his hand pushes you impossibly closer to Matt.

Matt reconnects your lips immediately, addicted to the feeling of finally kissing you after all these years. Through the haze in his brain he thinks that this is probably a bad idea, but fuck does he love it. 

You whine needily and break the kiss, rocking your hips against Matt and making him gasp. 

“Fuck,” he rasps, his hips jerking upwards to grind into you. Your eyes flutter open for a moment, shuddering at the dark look in Matt’s eyes. You think of saying something - anything - but Matt’s hand curls around the back of your head and pulls you back in to meet his lips. 

You tug at his hair as he kisses you, letting him move your hips into an undulating motion against his own. Matt's mouth drags away from yours, your whine turning into a soft moan as when he kisses along your jaw and down your neck. You shiver when you feel his teeth graze the column of your throat. 

Matt kisses every inch of exposed skin, unable to help himself from sucking a deep purple mark into your skin just above your collarbone. 

“Matty,” you whimper, grinding down harder against the growing tent in his sweatpants. Matt decides that your whimpers and moans are his favorite sound, and vows then that he’s going to do everything in his power to pull those noises from your body. He can't get enough of you, the way your hands roam over his shoulders and through his hair and the desperate way your grinding against him. You say his name again, this time a soft sigh as he keeps kissing at your skin, the hand on your ass sliding up and underneath your thin v-neck. 

“Baby,” he grunts against your skin, running his nose up along your neck. You whimper at the pet name, and Matt gets impossible harder under you. “Baby,” he whispers again, pulling back to look you in the eye. “Tell me if you want this, angel.” 

You nod frantically, leaning in to press your mouth on his again. 

“Please,” you mumble against his lips. “I want this. I want you.” 

Matt moans at the words, wishing that it were true in every context. Instead he wraps his hands under your thighs and stands, making his way blind towards his bedroom. He tosses you on his bed unceremoniously, kicking the door shut behind him.

You look up at him with wide eyes and flushed cheeks, reaching for him again, aching for his touch. Matt crawls over your body and brushes the hair out of your face as he hovers above you. 

“Matt,” you whine needily, wrapping a hand around his neck to pull him down to kiss you again. 

As Matt strips you of your clothes as well as his own, he lets himself pretend this is real. He fucks you with brutal, merciless thrust of his hips, and pretends like this isn't going to be a one-time thing. He lets himself feel while you cry out for him and arch your back as you cum. He calls you baby and acts like this isn't a drunken mistake you’re probably going to regret in the morning. 

And when you're both spent, his arms curled around you as you give him a dopey, sleepy smile - looking like a real life angel, he thinks - Matt lets himself pretend, for just a moment, that you love him too. 

IV. 

He hates this. 

Matt hates this. 

He hates the feeling of your body shaking against him, uncontrollable sobs wracking your body. Brady had left that morning for Ottawa after Autumn had reached out to him, asking to give their relationship another shot. And Matt hates him for it right now. 

He hates the sound of your crying, the tears spilling onto his shirt. He hates that you feel like this, heartbroken and miserable. 

Matt hates how responsible he feels for this. He was so sure that Brady reciprocated your feelings, telling you over and over again that he was positive his brother loved you too. In hindsight, he might have been projecting, but to him, it was impossible not to fall in love with you.

The thing he hates the most, though, is how selfish he is. How he can't help but think of how good it feels to hold you again. 

Another sob rips itself from your throat and Matt’s arms tighten around you, pulling you so that you were flush against his chest. He buries his face in your hair, whispering “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” over and over as you break down in his arms. 

He barely registers the feeling of you shaking your head against his shoulder. 

“Not your fault,” you mumble through your cries, shaking your head more vigorously. “It-it’s not - it’s my fault - I thought -” You cut yourself off and bury your head in his shoulder as your bawling continues. 

“It's not your fault,” he insists as one hand comes up to cup the back of your head, running through your hair in soft strokes. “It’s not, it’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong.” 

Matt holds you like that for what feels like eternity, your sniffles and cries coming slower and slower until they stop. He still holds you tight, tracing patterns over your skin and running his hands through your hair soothingly. He whispers gentle words in your ear, comforting you the best he can. 

Eventually you pull back slightly too look up at him, making Matt mourn the loss of feeling every inch of you pressed up against him. You look tired, sleepy, but most of all, you look sad - and it kills him inside. 

“Thank you,” you whisper hoarsely, making Matt’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. 

“What for, angel?” The nickname doesn't go unnoticed by you, and you can't help the warm feeling that worms its way through your heartbreak. 

“Everything,” you shrug, not wanting to really say the truth. Matt takes it for an answer, even though you both know it’s really not, and smiles gently, brushing hair out of your eyes like he's done so many times. “M’sorry about your shirt,” you mumble, and Matt laughs at that, his head thrown back.

“I've got plenty of shirts,” he teases, thumb sliding back and forth over your jaw comfortingly. As his laughter fades, his gaze becomes locked on yours. You look like you're in deep thought, at war with yourself, and he barely refrains from asking you what you're thinking about. 

“Okay?” Matt asks gently, eyes softening when your eyes focus on him again. You open your mouth as if to say something, before closing it again and nodding slowly. “Y/N/N?” 

Before he can really ask what's going on, you're throwing your arms around his neck, your lips colliding with his. Matt can't help but melt into the kiss, cupping your cheek as your lips move together. He hadn't felt this in so long. 

Oh, he missed this. He missed the feeling of your mouth on his. Missed kissing you until you were breathless. Missed the way you fit perfectly in his arms. 

He moans gently, nearly delirious with his need for you. 

A pang of guilt shoots through him, making Matt pull away even as you whine and chase his lips. You look up with wide eyes and a slight pout, before you seem to realize what just happened. 

“Fuck, I’m - I’m sorry,” you gasp, scrambling to escape his embrace. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to - that was fucked up - I’m sorry -” 

Matt’s grip only tightens, grabbing your chin to make you face him. “Hey - hey,” he says sharply, making you stop struggling and look at him. “It’s okay, I promise, we just - you're not in the right - we can't -” 

“I know,” you cut him off, “I know, I'm sorry.” 

“It's okay,” he assures you again, before asking you softly, “Do you want to go home?” 

You weren't sure which home he meant - your family’s house across the street or Calgary - but either way you shake your head frantically, clinging to him tighter at the idea of being alone with your broken heart right now. 

“Okay,” he soothes gently, “That's okay, I’m gonna go shower, okay? You wanna change?” You glance down at your clothes - sweatpants and a t-shirt - and shake your head again. 

“This is fine,” you say timidly, your voice small and sad and widen the hole in Matt’s heart. 

“Okay,” he murmurs, setting you gently on his mattress and tugging the duvet over you. “I won't be long, I promise.” You nod sleepily, your eyes already fluttering shut as you acknowledge him, as he backs away slowly. 

Matt has to clasp a hand over his mouth in the shower, muffling the noises out of his mouth as he weeps. 

He almost wants to laugh at the irony of it all. You love Brady. You love him and your heart is breaking because of it. And so is his. And even as Matt puts on clean pajamas and crawls back into his bed beside your sleeping figure, he still feels like he might start to cry again.

But then you mumble his name, your voice thick with sleep as you reach for him. Your hands feel small against his chest as you fist the material of his shirt and tug him towards you, sighing contently when his arms slide around your waist. 

You fit so fucking perfectly, Matt thinks, with your body tucked into his like this. His eyes linger on your face for a few moments, taking in the peaceful look on your sleeping face after hours of anguish and emotional turmoil. As he begins to drift off, his last thought before he falls into slumber, is how he's never been more at ease, more happy, more in love, than when he's with you. 

+1 

Matt has never been in so much pain in his entire life. The moment his eyes fluttered open, still blurry from sleep, he snapped them shut again. It was too bright. Why is everything so bright? He only knows one person that keeps the blinds open when they sleep and that was - Matt’s blood runs cold. 

“I like it when the sun wakes me up,” you’d said when he asked you. “It feels less like an alarm clock and more of a gentle reminder, you know?” 

He didn't know, he really really didn't, especially with the pounding in his head. But he has to know for sure, so slowly but surely, he opens one eye and then the other. Matt’s heart rises to his throat when he realizes where he is. 

Part of him thinks he might die on the spot. But the other part - the selfish fucking part of him - whispers that waking up in your bedroom is what he's been dreaming of for months. 

But then it hits him. The pain. 

Not the pounding headache, no - this was worse. This was so much fucking worse. It was worse than the day in his parents’ basement when you walked away from him all those months ago. Worse than the night he came home and found you naked in Brady’s bed. This pain felt worse than anything he'd ever felt before. 

It’s excruciating. He feels like someone had punched a hole in his chest and torn out his heart. The ache in his chest surpasses the throbbing in his head. 

Matt feels like he's going to cry, the desire to curl up into a ball and disappear overwhelming him and he wants to cry. 

How did he even get here? 

Matt doesn't remember most of last night, little snippets here and there. He remembers your Instagram post, the cutest fucking picture he's ever seen of you holding and ice cream cone and laughing, a smudge of the frozen treat dotted on your nose. He remembers grabbing a bottle the moment he got home. He remembers Noah and Elias, remembers seeing their lips moving, but doesn't remember what they said.

Before he can stop it, there are tears slipping down his cheeks. Matt is so fucking sick of crying. He's tired of feeling like this. 

And he hates that he knows that it's his own damn fault. 

The idea of seeing you again - of you seeing him like this - makes his skin crawl. He promised to leave you alone after the game, and he’s ashamed that all it took was an Instagram post and a little too much liquor for him to come crawling back. 

The selfish part of him pipes up again. You can't help it. You love her. She's yours. 

Being here, in your apartment, your bedroom, makes Matt dizzy. He needs to leave. Now. 

He’s in such a rush to leave, roughly wiping at the tears on his face, he almost doesn't notice the pair of pills on the nightstand, a glass of water set on a coaster beside them. He hesitates for a moment, but decides that he doesn't want to feel like a trainwreck for the rest of the day, and downs the pills with a gulp of water. 

There's clattering in the kitchen, preventing him from a stealthy escape. Matt is shocked when you don't let him leave, head spinning with exhaustion and confusion and really - just your presence. He can't stop staring at you. Even like this, in a hoodie and leggings, Matt thinks you're the most beautiful fucking thing he's ever seen. 

This is too domestic. He shouldn't be here. This is too intimate. Too much. 

This isn't for you. Brady is the one who should be here. Matt flinches when the thought slithers into his head, but before he can make it out the door, you're turning from the stove and practically yelling at him to sit. You sound like his mom, he thinks, but sits anyways. 

When you ask him about Autumn, Matt thinks he might die. Right then and there, he wishes the floor would swallow him whole. But instead of that happening, his stupid fucking mouth moves to vomit out the words before his brain catches up. “I was sick of seeing him hurt you, I watched him hurt you for so long, Y/N, I held you while you cried and I - I never want to be the one to make you feel like that.” 

This was the most you'd spoken in months, and even through the pain of seeing you again, Matt can't help but be overcome with relief. You didn't hate him. Matt feels dazed through the rest of the conversation, just barely focusing as a result of your presence addling his brain even as you snap at him to shut up. Until - until - 

“..Brady and I are not together…he’s not it for me.” 

Matt freezes, the words rattling inside his skull.

Not it for me not it for me not it for me 

Matt shoves half a piece of French toast in his mouth, barely chewing it before swallowing and repeating your words back to him. You laugh at his bewilderment, your fingers curling around his own as you speak. 

He's going to kill Brady, he decides as he finishes off the rest of his toast, immediately. His little brother is a menace and it’s finally going to catch up to him. 

But he needs to hear you say it first. He needs it.

Then Matt is tugging you to stand up, and your hands are wrapping around his neck as he gets closer. 

And you say it. 

“I love you too Matty.” 

And then he's kissing you. 

Finally - finally - he's kissing you and you love him.

You love him. 

Matt feels like he wants to cry again, this time for a completely different reason. The pain he'd felt this morning starts to drain away as you press yourself closer to him, hand slipping up to card through his curls. He pulls back to look at you for a moment, grin so wide he thinks his face might break. He leans in again, giving you one, two, three, four more kisses. With every kiss, Matt feels a piece of his heart returning to its place. 

“Say it again,” he pleads, eyes fluttering closed as you whisper against his lips. 

“I love you, Matthew, more than anything, I love you.” 

And later, when you're giggling against his mouth on the couch as his fingers graze your ticklish sides and you're whispering the three words over and over and over again, he knows it's true. 

He's it for you, you're it for him. 

Matt loves you. 

But more importantly, you love him.

FIN (for real this time)

[manyblinkinglights]

MY PERSONAL TAKE ON UNITY-”HUMANOID” FERAL AVATAR RIGGING FOR VRCHAT

First of all: this is actually not that bad. If you avoid the many pitfalls I will lay out for you in this tutorial, the worst thing about the hookup process is the same thing that’s bad about everything in Unity: dragging the little thingies into their little boxies gets kind of tedious. 

NUMBERED LIST: 

1. Start with Rigify’s meta-human. 

2. Modify it by deleting extra bones, and

3. altering the hips and legs and shoulders for compatibility with VRChat’s full-body IK, as per Kung’s YouTube tutorial. 

4. Build your quad model around the head, neck, chest, spine, and hips of your Humanoid. 

5. Lock your Humanoid legs and arms out of weight painting.

6. Rig your quad model, and

7. Get it into Unity. 

8. Start putting rotation constraints on all/most of your quad model’s bones (I’ll tell you TWO BIG SECRETS). edit: I forget what two things were supposed to be the secrets. Pick whichever two things helped you most and let’s just call those the secrets. 

9. Build and test your avatar, then start tweaking your constraint weights until you get the effect you want!

**

ADVICE: 

part A: You can test an activated quad leg rotation constraint directly in your scene by applying it, and then grabbing your humanoid thigh or shin transform and rotating that, but YOU HAVE TO CTRL-Z IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS. NEVER apply a rotation constraint to a bone that’s been left out of its default position!

part B: Always, always, ALWAYS and only, only ONLY work on your Armature in Blender from full X, Y, or Z isometric view with X-mirroring on.  

KNOWN LIMITATIONS: 

The levelling bone in your backbone always points directly back, relative to root, from the user’s hips; they twist up and leave it behind if they turn from side to side too far, all the way around, or, god forbid, hit VRCEmote 6 (backflip). You cannot sexy poledance or flop onto the couch in this style of avatar without making a spectacle of yourself. 

If there’s some crazy calculus that’d spit out the exact right leg lengths and constraint weights to perfectly eliminate foot-vs-floor clipping at every height, I do not know it. There are just too many variables at play; put whatever leg lengths onto your quad that it requires, and then try to come up with rough, biomechanically-inspired values for your constraint weights such that your quad feet wind up near the same elevation as your Humanoid core’s feet when you enter the Humanoid sit position. If you do this your end result will be PRETTY DARN GOOD at standing and bending/dancing heights, but it WILL get squirrelly as you approach crouch. That’s just the way it is; in fact I recommend replacing the prone and crouch animation blendtrees with the standing ones. While this tutorial will generate an avatar that crouches and crawls around prone okay/amusingly, you do get sent into the floor in crouch/prone and there simply isn’t anything to be done about it. 

There is also NO WAY to migrate rotation constraints from one avatar to another. You can copy a fully-constrained avatar and hot-swap in your own edited mesh, but you (basically) CAN’T EDIT bones in an already-constrained armature without turning it all into spaghetti. 

**

ONE.

You need a working, full-body-tracking compatible biped skeleton to start with. But... there aren’t any out there (that I’m aware of) to start with, so I recommend scaling up a meta-human out of the Rigify add-on for Blender... here’s a guy walking you through that bit of it: https://youtu.be/DS885Sk1gSs?t=30 (we will not be making an “animation rig,” we are just getting a human-shaped Armature into the project with almost all of its bones named correctly already. So just do that part.)

TWO.

...and then deleting the face stuff, some other stuff, and the extra four non-finger hand bones out of each hand (make sure not to accidentally nuke part of your thumb, like me, because you might not notice until way later that you’ve given yourself a stumpy single-jointed thumb). You want to go from this:

To this:

I mean, I guess you could leave them, but too many useless bones will come back to bite you later if Unity decides it can’t figure your shit out and makes you drag every. single. handbone. into. the L and R hand slots yourself. Set yourself up for success and don’t skip this deletion step. Also, now’s the time to rename your hips -> spine -> chest -> neck -> head chain, since Rigify has them all as like spine01 spine02 etc.

Your penultimate guy:

THREE.

Now modify its thighs and hips as per Kung’s tutorial: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sfTEBAl8sA

Basically, for this armature in particular you need the tops of the thigh bones to be below the entire hip bone, as follows: 

AND you need the hip bone to be above the thigh bones (Rigify’s is too far back). Personally, I got good results from just grabbing my legs and scooting them backward. 

If you DON’T do this, PC people and three-point tracking people will still be able to use your avatar fine. But full-body people’s hips will jut forward in a super fucked up way. IF YOU FOLLOW THIS TUTORIAL EXACTLY and include a BEND bone, this will be a problem. IF YOU CUT CORNERS and disregard the BEND bone (and/or you choose to lock the hips out of weight painting--valid), you can skip this step. But you seriously might as well do it. 

IMPORTANT! The lengths and angles of your bones here determine, in part, the later behavior & vivacity of your finished model. I like this modified Rigify base because VRChat’s IK makes it nice and lively. If you use a different Humanoid base, like a ramrod straight turbocompatible one, or a cool but non-fullbody-compatible style one (hey, go for it! PC and three-point tracking people have rights too!) the flavor of your animations later on will be different! 

FOUR. Build your model around the head, neck, chest, spine, and hips of your inner Humanoid! Don’t hold me liable for anything that happens to you if you change the armature proportions, but based on this one time I helped a kid hook up their quad horse, you can get acceptable/interesting non-full-body-compatible behavior if you do change them (to perfectly follow your cool dragon neck or whatever). I will continue on as if you did not change them! Anyway, do your thing. If you’ve got someone else’s mesh for this step, do your best to pose it in a neutrally upright standing position, and then put the Humanoid in it like they’re the front half of a horse costume, scaling the whole rig up and down as necessary. Again, ANY CHANGES YOU MAKE TO THE PROPORTIONS OF THE HUMANOID RIG WILL CHANGE YOUR ANIMATIONS LATER, and break full-body compatibility if you go too far!  Here’s mine, see the little guy in there? Try to pick him out from the rest of the rigging:

Your head needs to be placed so it does a good job aiming its head/so you can set the view orb so you more or less see out its eyes, and your neck, chest, spine, and hips should be in its neck and forequarters, but your legs and feet DON’T have to match up with your quad forelegs or forefeet! Your quad feet can be anywhere relative to your Humanoid ones so long as your quad is in its symmetrical, neutral standing posture. 

You can see that mine are a bit in front. It’s fine.

FIVE. Parent the mesh to the armature (or uhhh is it the other way around? Whichever way around it is, do it) with empty groups. Go into your Vertex Groups panel and lock out the limbs--that’s shoulders, upper arms, forearms, hands and fingers, thighs, lower legs, feet, and toes. You want them zero and kept at zero (unless your want your arms for a taur). 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rG82fogtuCg WATCH THE ABOVE VIDEO IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY. :V You can run the auto weight paint from here and/or start dinking around with weight painting your quad’s neck however is most comfortable for you if you want, but you still need to

SIX.  rig your quad model! Okay, here’s the one big rule for your grounded legs (wings and funky lil extra limbs that just wave around can do whatever): 

you must leave your Rigify legs straight up and down, no angling outwards, and YOUR QUAD LIMBS MUST BE STRAIGHT UP AND DOWN, NO ANGLING OUTWARDS.  

See mine: 

You don’t have to have them all perfectly in line from the front like I do, you could have your legs be set at any widths (say, wider stance in the armature hind legs than in the Humanoid ones, if your quad has wider hips), but they HAVE to all be exactly straight up and down, just like the Humanoid legs are. I tried matching my actual gryphon limb angles like in normal rigging once, and it resulted in incorrect foot placement/limb angles when standing neutrally (because VRChat’s neutral stance is not a perfect T- or A-pose). It’s fine if they’re different heights, though--here’s a side picture where you can see that my hind legs are lots taller, and my forelegs a little taller, than those of my Humanoid core:

Okay so maybe this belongs up there under FIVE. but, since you CANNOT add any jaunty character to your quad by adding naturalistic/sideways angling in its armature, the mesh, instead, must deviate from the armature to give you the illusion of a jaunty stance, and I DO recommend doing (just a little of) this. Your bones don’t HAVE to be in the center of your mesh volumes to still work okay, especially when they’re only serving as relatively-restricted legs (knees don’t twist, and neither do a bunch of quad bones driven by them). So, feel free to “pose” your quad legs in an interesting way around their upright bones, especially when it comes to giving your hind legs a different character from your front ones. Otherwise it’ll be way more obvious they’re rigidly linked, despite their different proportions. I recommend angling the apparent set of your hind legs out just a little, so your hind feet seem to be set wider than your front ones.

Not only does this help give each set of your legs its own character, to help with the illusion that they’re actuating totally differently, and that these are definitely your own original character do not steal’s full custom animations and not VRChat’s default ones--but your back legs are going to be operating the reverse of your front legs. This means that when the wearer adopts a wide stance, with their feet well apart from each other (as in many dances), YOUR BACK LEGS WILL CROSS. The amount of space I left between my gryphons’ hind legs, above, accommodates the normal amount of moving around that people do pretty well, but be advised that making a beautiful character with its hind legs neatly, narrowly posed might hit you with some heartbreak later! (You could get around this by instead rigging your quad to have its forelegs be the reversed ones, but this might be a little disconcerting for a fullbody wearer; or you could give yourself a “pacing” gait, where both your front and back left legs step forward at once, but this is a glaringly visible design choice for the kinds of people who notice these things. If you do this, make it a choice, not what-you-did-because-it-turned-out-you-had-no-choice.) 

(I did a bunch of bogus shit to make it so I could switch between regular locomotion and a pacing gait, but that’s outside the scope of this tutorial.)

Now, your BOB, LEVEL, and BEND bones!

BOB: Somewhere on your armature, put an unparented bone (any size) along your midline called BOB. (I put mine below my hips and called it dingle.dangle.) Ever ported a model in and left something unparented accidentally? Remember how it disconcertingly gets “left behind”? Well, we’re using that phenomenon to our advantage! BOB will be our rotation reference bone for LEVEL and BEND. 

LEVEL: So, LEVEL. Your quad’s back/torso should be/have one big bone coming out of the back of your Humanoid hips, call it LEVEL. It should be the parent for all your quad’s limbs, except for anything you have coming out of the head or neck (idk, whiskers, chinwings, whatever).

BEND: BEND is optional, but recommended; a bone that also sticks out the back of your hips, and stretches out more or less to the end of your ribcage, maybe to the middle-ish of your ribcage. Mine is parallel to the floor but that doesn’t matter much, and weighted at around strength .4 to the ribcage behind my shoulders, a little bit of the back of my shoulders where they meet my body, and tapering off towards my waist. Basically when you wiggle this bone up and down, it should arch and bow your back a little bit, over the top of your other weight paints, in whatever way is visually acceptable to you. Mine does this:

SEVEN.

Now, into Unity. Navigating Unity is mostly beyond the scope of this tutorial, but if you can add a VRC Avatar Descriptor, you can add a rotation constraint. It works the same, you just go find the bone (”transform”) in the hierarchy that you want and add a rotation constraint component to it. 

So, get your .fbx out of Blender and into your Assets folder or whatever. Click on it and go to Import Settings, set it as Humanoid, apply, configure. Pick out and add all the bones of your Humanoid armature to the Humanoid panel (if it hasn’t autopopulated--it might!), reset your pose and then enforce T-pose if necessary, delete the reference to Jaw, put Chest in and make sure there’s no Upper Chest, etc., all the usual things. You should see a little green T-posing person in the forequarters of your quad! Hit Done and you’re done. (Look up ordinary VRChat avatar 3.0 import tutorials if you’re having trouble with this step; you’re Humanoid at this point already, same as anybody). Now drag your newly-confirmed-for-Humanoid .fbx into your scene. Open up its hierarchy and look for the LEVEL bone; it should be under hips. Put a rotation constraint on this bone (click on it, Add Component button, search “rotation” or “constraint,” pick Rotation Constraint). Click the little plus to add a target, and drag BOB in there from the hierarchy. Leave the strength 1 above and 1 below (the 1 below will always be left alone at 1 unless specified otherwise), and click Activate. There! You did it! Now your whole entire ass won’t wave around!! You can hop right in and Test Avatar if you want--your head and neck will be the only things that move while your legs will all be stiff like a piñata, but by god, your back will be staying level. Try crouching and going prone!

Enjoy this first, sweet taste of quad success if you’ve gotten this far, because there are many, many ways to screw the rest of this process up, and even with me guiding you, you might find some brand new ones. Applying a rotation constraint correctly is as easy as above, but here are some pitfalls: if you move any bones in Unity with active constraints on them, or bones upstream of an active constraint, they get fucked up. If you activate a constraint on a bone that’s been moved, moving the bone back afterwards will fuck the constraint up. LEAVE YOUR MODEL IN ITS DEFAULT POSE AT ALL TIMES, UNLESS YOU’VE MADE SURE TO SWITCH TO GAME MODE. (Sometimes you get lucky and you can rescue a ruined bone by deactivating its constraint and then going to Modified Component -> Revert on the transform itself. But don’t count on it.)

If you change any values within a constraint while it is active, it gets fucked up. Uncheck “Is Active” before modifying any constraint!

But wait, there’s more! If you hot-swap your model (minimize Unity, open Blender, do edits, export your new .fbx, delete your old .fbx in the save dialog and replace it with your new .fbx, WAIT A FEW SECONDS because opening Unity in the middle of the hotswap borks everything, maximize Unity, it thinks for a second, then accepts your new model while hey presto preserving your rotation constraints), AFTER ARMATURE EDITS, so, again, if yo-- if you--*about to sneeze voice*--

If you hot-swap your model after armature edits, the whole thing can get fucked up and you might have to re-apply all your rotation constraints again. 

hhhhh that’s better. Now, you MAY hot-swap your model after wholesale bone additions and deletions, but rotation-constrained armatures lose their tiny minds if you change constrained bone lengths, positions, or angles!

Moving on! You just did LEVEL, now let’s do BEND.

BEND is constrained at .5 strength to BOB. Add a rotation constraint to BEND, set the strength to .5, hit the plus, drag in BOB. (Dial your reflexes in on this sequence because you are going to be doing it a lot.) The purpose of BEND is to bring a little life to your otherwise ramrod-stiff quad spine; you can experiment with strengths (of weight paint, of constraint weight, of bone length) but I recommend you try copying me to start. So that’s: BEND, a bone sticking out to about the end of your ribcage, weight painted at .4 or so to your ribcage and gradienting smoothly away, constrained to your unparented bone BOB at .5 strength (waving around without any constraint put too much wiggle in my gryphon). 

BOB, LEVEL, and BEND are the major engines behind my quad rigging giving an acceptable effect! You don’t need to throw $90 at Final IK if you’ve got some time on your hands and BOB, LEVEL, and BEND. :)

Now for ALL THE REST OF YOUR LIMBS!

A note before we begin. Unity rotation constraints can’t ever go past 1:1, that is, there is no way to “amplify” a motion to make it a bigger one. You can only approach parity with the reference motion, never exceed it. The clearest example I can think of is a tail. My tail is six bones, and I thought I could constrain each one to the head at .1 and they’d “stack” and make it so a small motion of my head would put an attractive curl in my tail. Lol, nope. The first one rotated the tail .1, the ones that followed each inherited that .1 rotation from their parent and had their constraints satisfied, and did nothing, and I had a tail that barely moved at all. (Blender’s bone constraints work differently and allow this kind of amplification; you can also test things out in there, but I could never figure out which settings would give me Unity-like behavior.) So, with that in mind, bring up a gait cycle of your target animal. If a video is too confusing, look for some static images (like an animator’s gait cycle) that show the gait. Try to see which bones rotate the most, and which rotate noticeably less. Use this to inform your constraint weight values later. If you picked a static image, you can even measure the rotations throughout the cycle to see which move most and least! I don’t know enough to use exactly specific language here, so, to the extreme literalists in my audience.... sorry about what I just said. If you find your ability to magically pick up on what I mean is poor, I’ll just give you my gryphon numbers later! Or you could just try some stuff, like having every bone at max strength & seeing what happens, and then picking just one to turn down to .5 strength and testing again. That should clarify the concept for you quickly.

Alternatively, the quick-and-dirty “I’m NOT HERE to acquire any sensitivities I don’t ALREADY HAVE” test is to just try to get your quad feet as close as possible to your biped feet’s level/height when the biped thigh is picked up to 90 degrees and the shin hangs straight down (the “sit position”).  Here’s how mine do:

Now, that’s half of the challenge, noticing which bones in the legs ought to be more or less responsive, and then roughing out an idea of the relative weights/responsivities each leg bone needs to make that happen, deciding which bones are liveliest and should be set at or near 1 and which are stiffest, or least active, and should go around .5 (you might even dip to .3). But (you might scream) what are you weighting these guys RELATIVE to? What are their TARGETS? Well!

...I’m not going to try to explain this. I’ve confused everybody every time I’ve tried. :p Just start with the shoulder constrained to the thigh, then the next bone down to the shin, then the NEXT bone down to the thigh again, then the shin again, and so on (thigh shin thigh shin thigh shin). This will get you 98% of the way there because most of the bones in a tetrapod leg-chain operate in simple opposition to each other. Basically, by rotating the shoulder like the thigh, when you raise your leg, your quad will start to raise its shoulder. By having the next bone rotate like your shin, and then continuing the pattern after, contracting your knee will make your quad contract its whole leg. This breaks down a little at the paw-and-toes, or the distal complexities of the horse, but just start with this pattern by rote. Then test it, and if one of the bones is obviously backwards, swap its target to the other one and test it again.

Last concept: if you have two bones in a row weighted to the same thing (like where you’ve got two bones that do not work in opposition to each other), the second one needs to have a bigger weight to the target than its parent. Because it inherits the parent’s rotation, and then only adds whatever amount that’s bigger. So, for my forepaw, I have it at .5 to the shin, and then the toes are at 1 to the shin. The whole paw acts as a shin-unit, but weighting the hand less than the toes allows the toes a little of their own flair. :v

(Okay that was a third-grade-biology-textbook lie. I actually have my upper paw .5 to the shin and my toes/beans at 1 to the foot. I might have a little bit of weight to the foot in the upper hand/palm part of my eagle foreclaws too. But I don’t recommend you add any weighting to the foot until you’ve got a good baseline result with just weights to the thigh and shin!!!!! The foot does things that you might find confusing and upsetting and which can introduce a LOT of incorrect limb placement/clipping, especially the further up the chain you allow it to interfere; it should be used sparingly or (as in my hind legs) not at all.)

Finally, the more your bone lengths and angles resemble your target animal’s (use a skeletal reference!), and the better you are at deciding which bones should respond a lot (and be weighted with high values) and which should respond less (and be weighted with lower ones), the more visual interest and species-specific character your quad avatar will have! You can see my gryphon’s rig above; here are its constraint values (where I go LR to LR, the left bits of the Humanoid control the left bits of the quad; where I go LR to RL, the left bits of the Humanoid control the right bits of the quad):

Back: LEVEL: 1 to BOB BEND: .5 to BOB Wings: upper_arm.LR.001: .5 to upper_arm.LR forearm.LR.001: .5 to (forearm.LR .5, hand.LR .5) hand.LR.001: .5 to hand.LR Hindlegs (targeted to the OPPOSITE side human legs): thigh.LR.002: .7 to thigh.RL shin.LR.002: .6 to shin.RL foot.LR.002: .9 to thigh.RL toe.LR.002: .7 to shin.LR Forelegs - EAGLE: thigh.LR.001: .7 to thigh.LR shin.LR.001: .8 to shin.LR foot.LR.001: 1 to thigh.LR toe.LR.001: .5 to (shin.LR 1, foot.LR 1) toe.LR.003,5,6: 1 to shin.LR toe.LR.004: 1 to thigh.LR Forelegs - LION: thigh.LR.001: 1 to thigh.LR shin.LR.001: .5 to shin.LR foot.LR.001: 1 to thigh.LR toe.LR.001: .5 to shin.LR toe.LR.005: 1 to foot.LR Tail: tail.001: .5 .5 to head tail.002: .6 .6 to head, etc. ***

REITERATION OF IMPORTANT PROTIP: Again, the quick and dirty test of your targets and values is to switch to Game mode and hike your Humanoid’s leg up so the thigh is parallel to the floor and the shin’s straight down (the sit position). Does your quad also hike its leg up, so its foot is in the neighborhood of your Humanoid’s foot level? Are all of your bones bending the right way? (Any that aren’t need their target switched to the other kind of leg bone.) If your quad is more or less “also contracting its leg so now it’s up,” then you’re either finished, or really really close!! If your quad daintily raises up its lil’ ol’ leggy for you, test your gait in-game and decide whether it has the right “feel”. If one of the bones is too stiff or too crazy relative to your reference animal’s style of motion, change its value so it behaves better, and hang the sitpose test. People mostly spend time standing, anyway, and your quad will likely look great standing and moving around even if it doesn’t do well at the sit test. 

[moonlightjeno]

ok but moots assigned to fanfiction tropes!!

ahh omg dear anon thank you so much for sending this in !! I’ve been wanting to do this lol.

I feel like this might be a tad long so it shall be under the cut <3 also not @ me realizing most of my moots ult jeno asdf.

alesha [ @sungiescorner ] |

hmmmm. my first thought was college jeno au buT idk why I’m getting grease vibes. SO HYUNJAE GREASE VIBES. Like the whole 90’s (is grease set in the 90’s idk lmao) vibe with retro. basically your it’s grease but the roles are reversed !! Instead of the Alesha being the exchange student hyunjae is bc hyunjae is a soft bean. And you’re part of the schools like higher socitey thing (this is making no sense yay). But basically you’re part of the more rebellious group of the school and then you had a summer fling with hyunjae, until he appears at your school the first day. And chaos unfolds. And just bc I think tutor au’s are cute af hyunjae needs help w math and low and behold you are there to help him :)

mother in law [ @danishmiilk ] |

hehhehe. Obv we gotta go with do young your husband, and lemme tell you all we talk about is blowing up buildings. So doyoung mafia au !! Basically dy is the brains of most of the operations and one day while planning for idk blow up an sm building (we’ve had lengthy convos about this lmao) que you. who is just a genius at setting up bombs, from there sparks fly and you two become a dynamic duo (chemistry puns anyone??).

kathy [ @flirtyhyuck ] |

kathy my bb. Due to your current theme and bc I’m always down for sum badboy college au :) I wanna say a bad boy hyuck au? But in a college setting. you two first meet by accident bc your friend is in a frat and you had to be part of a project together so you walk over to the dreams frat house only for hyuck to answer the door. Now batboy hyuck tends to not be caught off guard but it’s you the person he’s been secretly pinning for most of the year so he kinda panics and gets really red. No worries chenle is there to tease him. But you still have to get your project done (little do you know this is all part of mark, jeno and renjuns plan tp get haechan to finally talk to you). So you end up waiting at their house bc rennin is supposed to be there in like ten minute, boy doesn’t show up. bUT you just spend time with hyuck and he asks you out by the end of it. This got long :)

bean ree [ @rouiyan ] |

Ree, my sweet bean !! My first thought when it comes to you is college au’s lol because you so good and amazing at writing them !! buT we WERE TALkINg ABOUT ROYALTY AU’S !! So royalty au w jeno omg. okie dokey, so you are both royals kinda. it’s a little bit enemies to lovers au whereas the second oldest (brother being first) you aren’t allowed to reign so bc of tradition (bad tradition) you have to marry into royalty of sorts. introducing lee jeno son of the lee’s who though not the strongest country are known for their activities and just tourism because their country is beautiful. you are shipped off to nct country to spend some time with your future husband. Now you don’t really hate jeno but you hate the idea of being shipped off to marry hence those feelings causing hate and aggressions towards jeno who is just like trynna be a nice and understanding bean (like he doesn’t want this either, and he’d just broken up with his s/o ). Fast forward three months and you slowly come accustomed to the place, learning about its government, and jeno begins to also warm up to you. Though you still don’t talk too much it gets better and you bond over the internal struggles that both of you have and slowly start to develop feelings for each other. but you still wanna have a say so your families agree that you won’t just be married but that you’d have power in both kingdoms kinda like an ambassador and im gonna stop here bc this is very long im soRRY.

sunny [ @neocitybynight ] |

bc blonde hair jeno with an undercut made a cb for a solid day, it’s blonde jeno time. i think we’ve talked before how much we both love idol au! so you’re both part of sm, different groups but the company (look at it have one good idea (o_O) and has you and jeno collab for a rap duet (?). it’s the first time you’ve met each other, but like things just kinda click. sunny is like such a hard-working person and I feel like jeno too their both super determined so they’d get all their work done pretty quickly and then just kinda hang and talk about everything and anything. imma stop here or idk where this will go lol.

mylin [ @starlit-jeno ] |

mylin !! my queen !! Ik your in hibernation rn so pls remain in hibernation !! Base off that a cute lil just stay at home date with jeno or mingi idk either one you choose lmao. But just a super laidback like put on random movies that you talk over occasionally and make fun off but also kinda enjoy them bc even though their bad their also fun to watch and entratinging :) w lots of cuddles and hugs and random forehead kisses.

furou [ @astroboy-lele ] |

Now I’m basing this off your username and the fact that we talked about among us lmao. Less go. So space au! With chenle !! For some reason (idk why just go along with it) there have been people dying in the spaceship. So the space ship crew the adults decided to make an investigation but don’t include anyone that aren’t “adults” but chenle isn’t having it as one of the people who died was his cousin. Now you two have best friends for a really long time so naturally you support him. So you two along with bb jisung who dragged along much to his protest of this being too scary for him and because he knew that chenle was in love with you so no way was chenle letting him out of his sight. Lets just say romance blooms along the crime investigation.

cherries [ @riothae ] |

Janna likes to hurt me w jeno but I don’t blame her bc has been just ok. anyways, sports au with jeno !! im thinking dancer au !! You guys have an assignment for your choreo class and are assigned partners that specialize in a diff style than you do. Jeno gets high key nervous and stressed af bc a. He’s an introvert and is awkward around new people and b. Kinda has a small crush on you, well on your style of dancing :) so you two are paired up, lets say your majoring in contemporary/modern dance and he’s specializing in acro and hip-hop. overall it’s just a cute lil thing and because the project is a whole trimester long ( so like 3 months ) you guys get pretty close and right as you end your performance on the day you do it on front on the whole school the ending is like a twirl type thing, and umm he leans in or you lean it and boom.

elle [ @joh--pping ] |  

Elle !! She’s the sweetest angel ever !! So it only makes sense  for a Johnny holiday au !! it’s an established relationship and basically just a fluff of you two setting up decorations for the holidays, (idk if you celebrate xmas so ahh sorry) but like putting up a tree and lights, getting hot chocolate jamming out to xmas music. I can see Johnny trying to get you to slow dance like even during a hype xmas song and it being very cute and intimate only for him to just start like jumping up and down right before you kiss. Anyways it would be filled with cuteness and fluff and stolen kisses and occasionally taking care of mark or jae.

[nad-zeta]

Match up duo (◠‿◠✿)

if it’s not bothering you i want to request a matchups for ikevamp. i’m not sure if it’s okay to just sent my photos alone but i’ll gave you a short description of myself.

i’m very very short (4'9"). i’m asian and have long black hair. i usually like to wear comfortable clothes but i’m also into goth and pastel.

for my personalities i’m an aquarius, infp-t, i like writing stories/drawing. i like rock/metal music, i like travelling and nature but i don’t mind being inside a lot. i’m a sweet tooth too. mostly i like things that are unique, that not many people know about it.

i consider myself open minded, adventurous, i like to learn new things, i value my freedom. i don’t easily get along with new people but i can be the most talkative person if i knew them well enough. sorry if it’s too long, thank you so much.. i love your blog

Hi, love thank you so much for the request! @blue-imagica​ No way its never a bother I love doing these requests (◕ω◕✿) I’m so sorry it took me 2 million years to get this to ya! Also, I apologise in advance if it sucks hehe I decided to try my hand at the ikevamp match up in honour of best boi Isaacs route dropping lol Thanx so much for being so sweet I’m super glad you have been enjoying my writing

(/‿＼✿) ❤🔥

Anyways...... hope you have a wonderful day dear and I hope you enjoy it, love! ❤🌼

So I match you with.......................... Vincent

Selfie match up part

The first time this boy sees you he is completely captivated

You remind him of the summer, so bright, pure and innocent

He can’t tear his eyes away from you or, your jet black hair, its unparalleled dimension and the way it naturally flowed in the wind catching the rays of sun and shining

Your dark hair is so thick and shiny, and he is inspired by the way it cascades down your delicate soft skin like waves of midnight on a sandy beach

He is utterly and entirely inspired by you, and he wishes nothing more than go up to his art studio and paint you

All he wanted to do was paint those dark eyes of your, those eyes reflecting the deepest shades of the earth, shining with so much love and warmth.

And oh how easy it is for him to get lost in the universe of your eyes, he loves the way they sparkle and shine, lighting up with a thousand stars when you introduce yourself to him.  

If Vincent had to describe you as something it would be an angel, the way you extrude warmth and love, and all he wanted to do was get to know you.

He could easily envision himself with you, the two of you laughing and cuddled up together under the shade of a tree in the midst of a flower field.

Matchup part

You wandered through the mansion aimlessly thinking it was still part of the museum. You found yourself walking into the most beautiful art studio. You looked around and hung on the wall was a painting you knew all too well. Starry Night, you loved that painting, TBH you loved it so much it was actually your phone’s wallpaper at some point. As you continued to admire the paintings that filled the room, a young man with soft blond hair and ocean blue eyes walked through the door. You were awestruck, he was absolutely beautiful, you wondered if you had died and gone to heaven. Your face flushed, as you were rather shy and didn’t do too well with new people. It definitely didn’t help that he was staring at you with stars in his eyes. 

Finally, the young artist broke the silence “Oooh I’m terribly sorry for staring, how rude of me, my name is Vincent.” You gave a small smile, how ironic was it that his name was Vincent, he certainly had the same painting style as Thee Vincent van Gogh. You gave a small introduction, and before the two of you could chat, Sabatian burst through the door. He looked at you in shock and disbelief “You, Miss, how did you get in here”, you stared at the butler in confusion “Through the big wooded door, wait isn’t this part of the museum.” With that, Sabastian grabbed your wrist and escorted you to Comte’s room.

Le Comte explained your current situation very calmly over snacks and tea. You were shook, not only did you go back in time, but you were now roommates with the worlds most historical figures and to top it all off they were vampires! You didn’t know if you wanted to laugh or scream. You low key though all of this was a dream that is until, Arthur almost bit you when you went to get a glass of water. Luckily for you, Vincent appeared just in time to save you. “Arthur, what do you think you are doing? You mustn’t scare her like that, it’s quite rude,” before Arthur could defend himself or spit out a flirty comment Vincent gently grabbed your hand and lead you away to his room “I’m terribly sorry for Arthur’s rude behaviour, he is super nice once you get to know him.”

You were honestly so spooked and freaked out, that you felt uneasy sleeping in a house full of vampires, especially after one just tried to bite you. As if reading your thoughts Vincent gave you the most angelic smile and asked “Would you like me to stay with you and guard you tonight? I was planning on staying up and painting anyways” You gave a small nod, you were already starting to drift off to sleep, from the long day full of surprises.

You woke up the next day to Vincent’s sunshine smile and honesty you wouldn’t mind waking up to that beautiful smile every day. It was so bright and warm and seemed to melt away all your troubles. You and Vincent made your way downstairs for breakfast. To say Vincent was overjoyed when he found out you were a fellow sweet tooth would be an understatement! It was something the two of you bonded over, and it actually brought you out of your shell a bit. Since that day Vincent would take you to all his favourite cafes to treat you to all sorts of sweet treats. 

As the two of you ate your delicious dessert, you found yourself opening up more and more to the painter. The two of you would literally talk each other’s ears off for hours and hours. By the time the two of you made your way home from a day out in the town the sun was already setting

You loved to draw and sketch, and when Vincent discovered this fact, he was overjoyed. One night as the two of you were sitting and sipping on tea together, he spotted your sketchbook laying on the table, and his eyes lit up in delight at your beautiful sketches. As he continued to page, you remembered that you had sketched him paining one day and before you could reach to stop him from paging through your book, he spotted at the exact sketch you didn't want him to see. Your face went red in the sweetest of blushes. You keenly eyed Vincent as he traced his fingers over the sketch, he was completely awestruck. He turned to give you the biggest brightest smile, you definitely didn’t miss the faint blush on his cheeks

Honestly, the two of you had long ago fallen madly in love with the other.

Vincent was determined to make his feelings known one day. The two of you often walked together through nature in search of the perfect scene to paint and draw. The two of you had recently come across a vast, beautiful flower field. It had become somewhat a tradition for the two of you to once a week have a picnic in the field and just enjoy the quiet, peaceful scenery. Often the two of you would lay on the blankie and look up at the sky, cloud watching. One day as the two of you were laying beside each other watching the clouds, Vincents hand gently bumped yours. You smiled and bumped his hand back. He then slowly moved his hand to intertwine his fingers with yours. Both of you turned your heads to look at each other. “I have something I need to tell you” Vincent had a slight blush forming on his face as he beamed up at you “ik hou van jou.” As the phrase left his mouth, he turned away in embarrassment, you sat up and tugged at his hand, you gave him the biggest brightest smile as your other hand moved to cup his cheek “I love you too Vincent”. The two of you then gravitated to meet in the sweetest of kisses. That afternoon the two of you cuties walked back home together hand in hand. You were going to ask Comte of you could stay in the past indefinitely.

The two of you angels made the cutest couple. Often the two of you could be found spending hours and hours together. Vincent would paint, and you would draw. Your favourite was travelling with the young artist. You loved to travel with Vincent and go to all sorts of art exhibitions that would showcase his beautiful paintings. After, the two of you would always wander around hand in hand, on the hunt for a café selling sweet treats. After both of you stuffed your faces with confectioneries, you would walk it off, by wandering around the park/nature together. As the two of you walked Vincent would occasionally lift your hand that he was holding to his lips and kiss the back of it, just to give you a small reminder of how much he loves you. 

In fact, this boy absolutely adores you and will 100% drop small little kisses on your temples, forehead, nose and cheeks. Vincent’s all-time favourite is to just rest his head on your lap after a long day of fun and adventures, learning new things together and having fun new experiences. He loves it when you pull your fingers through his golden locks and read your newest piece of writing to him. He absolutely loves to listen to your short stories and poems. Sometimes as he rests on your lap, his mind drifts back to the first day you met, and he thinks it must have been fate, for you to have not only wandered through the door into the mansion, but also for him to have found you in his art studio. Like the universe itself sending him his very own angel to love and to hold for all eternity

Other potential matches................. Theo 

I hope you enjoyed this love and i hope you have the best day ❀◕ ‿ ◕❀🌈🔥

[yimmick]

man. i gotta put this somewhere so. (vent)

you know im trying really hard to get past the break up so i can stay friends w ex. i don’t want to cause any drama by talking about it but staying mopey in my head isn’t the best thing either. the ppl i would usually talk with.. well we’re in quarantine and i’m not a very good texter. i literally can’t talk to my ex about bc who does that. so a non disclosed third party aka in the the blogging void of the tumbles it goes :p

ive been staying off gc for a while to give myself a lil breather from whats been going on + me being stressed/depressed as all hell from like. a variety of reasons. i didn’t let ppl know so i hope ppl didn’t think i dropped off the face of the earth or anything.. it was kind of an ass move of me but idk.. i still needed it. i want to start coming back but im awkward as all hell but well. it should be fine i feel like im well known for disappearing unfortunately lol... when i decided to mb start coming back i immediately learned that my ex was dating someone else and tbh i could’ve guessed from the start that it was going to happen as much as she denied it. i knew it and i fucking hate that i was right. it feels awful.the day i found out was when i was finally finished with my hell week pt 1 too so i was expecting to finally chill out and start replying to ppl and thats the first thing i find out so like. lol. i wish i was over her already bc i thought i was getting there but as soon as i saw that i reverted. the whole break up processs im upset @ myself for bc i totally just shut down... instead of acting like a normal person and getting the proper closure i think i cried on her bed for like 30mins how... embarrassing is that... .. back then she said she wasn’t looking to date during college anymore and i took that at full face value but of course she was saying that to let me down easy. i know i know i know back then the jealousy i was feeling wasn’t unwarranted... i don’t even know what to feel like. i LIKE her new gf&her friends and i wish i could get to know them to but like for me it feels like theres this barrier of my ex between them and i don’t feel super comfortable interacting with them anymore. the fire stuff was honestly rlly interesting but i should probably leave the club since i don’t feel very comfortable anymore in there either. it probably is not a great idea to force myself in a position to interact w ex + new gf when im not ready at all.

i know i wasn’t great at the beginning w me not replying at all but man the first two months were great. i still miss it even tho i wish i wouldn’t. the last month was awful ive never been more dysfunctional before. we both told each other that we want to be friends and on some level i still do but rn with her dating the exact person i knew she was going to date again even thinking about interacting w her feels awful all the while i miss doing things with my friends.ikik ik they’re a better fit for each other too. i know. but i can’t help but feel like shit all about this. she did the same thing beforehand: broke up w her previous partner a month/two later, start dating another partner... i know 3 months wasn’t even that long but i guess since it was my first relationship it really meant a lot to me. she meant a lot to me & still does and sometimes i catch myself thinking back to if i did ___ right maybe we would’ve stayed t gether longer/she would still want to be with me but god, what an awful way to think about things. i don’t want to linger in the past like that and just hurt myself. i guess the pain rn comes from the 1) jealousy confirmed right 2) she’s moved on a long time ago 3) going to lose a friend/friend group? i don’t know. i just can’t bring myself to talk the gc more since they were her friends first. but the more i stay out the more i isolate myself. i really fucking don’t know anymore about what to do. i wish i could just talk to her straight abt all this fucking shit but i don’t think i can bring myself to message her and i don’t know if she’ll want to deal with an ex’s insecurities lol. not good w emotional stuff. its not her responsibility to reassure me but in some petty way i want her to recognize just a little bit of how shitty that was & how shitty she acted in the last month as vindication. it would be nice for me to feel straight anger just once instead of trying to make it go away all the time. but man. i miss her as a friend so much. i want to just go play a latenight game w/ her again playing thru fc and just sending her posts she would like was fun. i miss it. idk if i can go back until i can really just get over myself anymore but will we even be friends then? i really don’t know anymore. fuck complex issues xoxox

[ididntlookback]

Can you write a sweet interaction between lance and Krolia maybe pleeeeeeeeease? ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Heyyyy sorry this so late and ik it’s rushed at the end :((( I would’ve spent more time on it but i wanted to upload it today as i have an audition tomorrow and this is already a few days late. WC: 2,160

Lance and Krolia sent each other looks from across the room as Allura gave everyone their missions. The two had been paired to sweep through a seemingly abandoned Galra ship.

Though the team was on their way back to earth, they did have to occasionally do Voltron like things- defending the universe and whatnot. Small missions like this were not unusual. The team no longer had the resources of the Castle of Lions to do anything big, but getting info from abandoned ships like the one they would be going to was a small task that they could complete.

Lance was alright with being the one to go with on the mission- hell, he was excited- but going with Keiths mom… that was a little weird.

Lance had no problem with Krolia. She was a good fighter and from what Lance could see, a good mother. It was just… awkward, though, going on a solo mission with her. It felt like when you’d go over to a friends house for the first time and they’d leave you in the room with their mom alone to make very awkward small talk.

From the quick eye contact the two of them made on the chunk of rock the team was currently stationed on, Lance assumed that that feeling of awkwardness was not one sided. Lance also spotted Keith look over quickly at Lance, who’d be lying if he said he wasn’t amused by that.

Everyone else had been tasked with going to nearby planets to get any information they had on Galra patrols. As the team was getting ready to split up, Keith walked up to Lance.

“So… you’re going with Krolia?” He asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

“Seems like it,” Lance smirked. “You know, i’m really looking forward to some one on one bonding time with her. Just… talking about your embarrassing childhood stories and whatnot. I’m really looking forward to it.”

“Oh, god,” Keith said, dread filling his face. “Just-just complete the mission and don’t do anything stupid.”

“Me? Do something stupid?” Lance gasped. “When have I ever?”

“You really don’t want me answering that question,” Keith smirked before walking away.

Lance’s eyes followed him until Krolia disrupted his line of sight.

“Ready to go?” She asked, the eye contact she made with Lance unyielding.

“Uh, yep,” he said, his feeling of dread about the mission starting to set in. “Let’s roll out.”

The two got into the red lion. Lance sat in the pilot’s chair and Krolia stood behind him. The journey to the ship was a trip no longer than ten minutes. The two went over their plan, which was pretty simple, and that left them without any conversation topics for the remaining six minutes of the trip.

“So… you excited about going back to Earth,” Lance asked, attempting at small talk.

“Sure,” Krolia responded. She just looked into space, not even giving Lance a look.

“Cool, cool,” Lance answered back. “I’m pumped about it. Can’t wait to get back.”

Krolia didn’t respond. Lance was wondering if she even heard him. Maybe she had like… selective hearing or something.

“Gonna be a pretty easy mission, yeah?” Lance said, trying again for a conversation. “Just gotta get in there, plug pidge’s hard drive thing in there, wait for it to download. Boom. Done.”

“We have to remain vigilant,” Krolia said, actually responding. “Be ready for anything.”

“Cool. No problem. Gotta stay vigilant.”

Lance could tell this was going to be a super fun mission.

The hollow, abandoned galra cruiser came into view and Lance was relieved to be rid of the awkward silence between him and Krolia. They now had a common goal; something to talk about. Hopefully that would diminish some of that awkwardness.

Lance docked the lion and the two exited it, quickly studying their surroundings. It looked like any cruiser, plus an eerie, ghostly vibe that came with abandoned spaces. There were pieces of dead sentries littered around, as well as damage made from swords and other weapons.

Lance wondered what had happened to have wiped out such a big and important looking ship. After all, that’s what his and Krolia’s mission was supposed to find out.

“What way should w-” Lance started to stay, stopping when he noticed Krolia already walking to a hallway with authority, as if she’d gone down that some hallway countless times before.

“This way,” she said after looking down that hallway for a few seconds.

“Alright… care to tell me why?” Lance asked.

Krolia barely gave Lance another look. Her eyes almost scanned around him, as if she was trying to focus on everything pertaining to the mission except for her partner on it.

The way she scanned over him, as if she was only processing his voice and not Lance himself, reminded Lance of someone. It reminded him of Keith- their early relationship, at least.

“I’ve been on a lot of Galra ships,” she said.

“Yeah? So have I.”

“You’ve been in space for only a fraction of your life. I’ve been up here my whole life. The wider hallways always lead to the central corridors, which lead to the control room.”

Blood rushed to Lance’s cheeks out of embarrassment. She was right, but she didn't’ have to make Lance out to be such an idiot.

“Lead the way,” Lance said, trying to keep enthusiasm in his voice.

Krolia advanced through the wide hallway, Lance behind her. The hallway was slightly crepier than the hanger. It reminded Lance of being at school late at night or on a weekend. The hall lights were only partly illuminated. With only that difference plus the absence of people, a once familiar and lively hallway was transformed into something completely different. A galra hallway was neither familiar nor lively, but it was still unnerving to see it so different in the face of darkness.

“So,” Lance said, starting to get bored of overthinking and the silence, “You’re Keith’s mom, huh. That’s cool.”

That seemed to be one of the only things that peaked her interest. She no longer scanned over Lance, she actually looked at him for a few seconds. Then, of course, she was back to leading the two without a look anywhere but in front of herself.

“Yeah. It’s… amazing to be reunite with him.”

Gasp! Did she just emote?

“Yeah, well, I can see the family resemblance,” Lance said.

“Is that a good or bad thing?” She asked, almost with a small smile.

“Hm… not sure, actually. Why do you ask?”  

“The two of us- Keith and I- we talked about your team while on the space whale,” she said. “He told me about your old ‘rivalry.’”

“Oh,” Lance said, not sure how he was feeling about that. “What else did he say?”

“… We should focus on the mission,” She said, looking at the crossroads they came across.

Lance couldn’t tell if her avoidance of the question was in a ‘i don’t want to talk to you anymore’ way or a ‘Keith wouldn’t want me to tell you’ way. Lance didn’t know which of the two was more aggravating.

“Should we split up?” Lance asked, trying to follow Krolias instructions.

“It would be better if we stuck together,” she said. “If something were to happen it would be easier to take us out if we were split.”

“What could happen? We’ve been here for like ten minutes already. If something were to happen it already would’ve,” Lance complained.

“Just be prepared for anything.”

You’ve already said that, Lance thought.

After a few more turns, the two reached the control room. It was basically identical to every other Galra ship Lance had been on: a wide, open room with a few panels of electronic controls.

After scanning the room and seeing no threat present, Krolia and Lance made their way to the front of the room. Krolia plugged in Pidge’s hard drive and put her hand on the scanner, turning the ship on.

What came next was one of those moments where the only thought in Lance’s mind was something along the lines of, Hm, could I have been anymore of an idiot?

As the data downloaded itself onto the hard drive, an alarm started blaring in the ship. Compartments started opening in the walls of the control room. Out stepped a small army of sentries, guns locked, loaded, and pointed at Lance and Krolia.

“We need to get out of here,” Lance told Krolia, panic rising.

“We need to finish the mission,” she hissed back at Lance, her hand still firmly on the scanner.

The army was advancing.

“You’re seriously not gonna help me fight?!” Lance exclaimed.

“I’ll help how I can.”

Lances blood was boiling. He really hated the whole mission-before-everything mentality the Blade of Marmora had.

With that anger fueling him, he activated his beyard and started taking shots at the army. He took down the front line with the accuracy he was known for, but he realized that the enemies were too close to Lance for him to keep shooting.

Lance switched from his gun to his sword, his shield held up to block the shots coming from a range of directions. He stabbed, slashed, and pushed his way through the crowd, letting his instincts take over.

He eventually became aware of Krolia shooting into the crowd with her free hand. It helped a bit, but it also caused the attention of the army to be turned on her. The soldiers started to advance towards where she stood, but Lance got there first.

He saw the shots coming before they were even fired, and took out those soldiers first. He continued fighting as he had before, now paying special attention to protecting Krolia.

Lance growled in pain as a lazer grazed his shoulder, burning through his paladin suit and hitting his skin. He ignored the pain and the blood that was starting to make its way down his arm as he continued fighting.

Right as Lance plunged his sword through the chest of the last soldier, the downloading information hit 100%, allowing Krolia to take her hand off of the scanner.

“Great timing,” Lance mumbled. “Let’s go back to the team.”

Krolia grabbed the hard drive and Lance clasped his hand over the wound on his arm, which was sending waves of pain through his body with every movement he made.

The two walked wordlessly back to Lance’s lion. There weren’t any more soldiers or armies popping out of the walls, so they seemed to be in the clear.

“You know,” Lance spoke up, bitterness stinging his voice, “You could’ve helped me fight the army and then you could’ve downloaded the information after it was all clear.”

“You never know,” she replied. “The ship could’ve blown up, or the army could’ve tried destroying the control room equipment.”

The two got into the lion. As Lance reached out for the controls, he grimaced, blood reddening his armor.

“Let’s wrap that up before we go,” Krolia said.

“Just so you know, if anyone else- well, maybe except Keith- had been on this mission with me, they would’ve helped me with that army. You’re on our team now, and our team helps one another out.”

Krolia was cleaning the cut on Lance’s arm with the medical kit in the lion. She glanced up at Lance when he said that, then she returned to studying the wound.

“I didn’t keep my hand on the scanner just because I thought the mission came first. It was also because i was very confident you could handle the situation yourself.”

Lance went quiet, looking down at Krolia with a look of confusion.

She continued on. “Keith told me about how great of a fighter you are, and i’ve seen you fight. I think you don’t realize how capable you actually are. I knew that you could protect me and handle things, and you did.”

Lance didn’t know how to respond to that. He wanted to stay angry, but he was finding that he couldn’t.

“Also…” She said, “If I saw things go south, don’t think that I wouldn’t’ve left my position. I would’ve stepped in. What you said about your team… i’ve seen that. I see that you all are a family, and i’m apart of that family now.”

“Hm,” Lance grunted. He did what he did best at the face of anything emotional: he made a joke. “At least I got a cool new scar from this whole experience.”

Krolia actually laughed at that. “My son was right about you.”

“What exactly did he saw about me?”

“I’ll let him tell you himself,” She said.

That answer wasn’t exactly comforting, and it definitely started a whole new list of questions in Lances mind, but what he did know was that he understood Krolia a bit more after that experience.

Lance was looking forward to learning even more about her.

[breakfree-mental-help]

List of Crisis Resources 911

MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS🚻🦋 ADVERTISEMENT RIGHT HERE! 🌼🍁

This is an emergency list put together for all ages of men and women from all over the world to use. This is a great resource and long advertisement about the mental health awareness program I am starting up again. I have my desk all cleaned up and am ready to work hard(yes! During the summer even!) Did you know during the summer months there is a higher rate of suicide in young mothers with depression. Also in teen boys with addictions. These facts cannot be ignored! I stand up for all of the struggling families and any one who has or knows someone with a minor disability or a mental health issue of some sort. We need to come together and share this post to get the word out there that someone does care ALIT for these poor people suffering in silence. I refuse to eat a meal until I have helped at least ONE person today! This hunger strike started last night and it's been 23 hrs, so I'm really hungry but I refuse to eat until you know what so someone better talk to me about their problems right now and also:

DO NOT SCROLL PAST THiS POST: THUS IS INPORTANT INFORMATION FOR YOUNG WOMEN AND MEN OF OUR COUNTRIES IN THIS WORLD, COME TOGETHER ONE LIVE ONE WORLD LETS PRAY FOR THE LOST SOUKS AND TRY TO GET THIS BOOSTED! To BE SERN BY as many people as possible especially with a special date coming up on the 26th of June but I cannot spoil the surprise! Just help me get this word out there to everyone and anyone! Tell your best buddies on here to reblog it for us please guys. I want to reach as many troubled people as possible do I can at least gave s neal before I starve to death because I'm not joking I'm really on a hunger strike until someone dies some of my work books and at least gas a 5 min convoy to shoot the dhit with me and feel better about their life, this trust me , is s great great opportunity for literally everyone and anyone! What is there to lose? I'm a psychic and I read tarot that is great therapy I feel p,yes if you are more interested in art projects I have sigil creating projects for you to do, as well as other crafty witchy things that are useful and beneficial to your mentl state plus I own a copy of the famous therapeutic story book coloring book (I forget what it's called but it's totally for anybody you do not even need to be creative!) And if you're looking for something with more depth then I've got tons and tons of stocked up files of CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) and even DBT(dialectal behavior therapy) or if you want work sheets but dont want to go too deep(I gotcha covered)!

Emergency lines:CRISIS (#911) OR 411 in North America.

Source: http://aminoapps.com/p/kenrra >>>♡-If you a absolutely do need a friend to text with and are up for it feel free to TEXT my personal peer support worker line @1 (705) 242-3328 and make sure you start the convoy by pressing the code into us so we know we have an emergency call to be on duty for and to drop all spiritual and other mental health clinician work at the Canadian organization for breaking free emotionally @teletext-health-emotionallyfree@northernquebecq.ca

the code you need to send us right away first text is:

☘🌍It's always Friday when you call us! We keep the party in life and bring out the best in every client we come in contact with ! That's a promise! If you arenot satisfiedafter 2 weeks of working at our mental health .org program sheets weekly attendance is required and participation in your treatment plan is a must. But if you sincerely just want to chat once for w5 mins toget so nothing off your chest and get a professionals opinion we will promise you'll sigh a big breath of relief after our conversation! Cool cats dance to this live beats of the drum. Random I know. Just checking if your paying attention. Heres a cat...and dont get FRIDAY EVERYDAY! JFK ya! 🔜➡️♣️🃏

+1788 or for a Male youth offender worker dial the text code : +4112 to us so we can have Kyle speak with you personally.(do not worry about the plus sign in front of the number for your emergency call or text we just put that to say that you have to PRESS whatever number to switch telephone lines and just decide which worker you wish to speak with for your emergency this time.

No emergency is too large or too small we can handle them all and give out great spiritual advice as we go along. If you are a certain religion please state that fact in the beginning because a large portion of our personalized care program deals with opening up spiritually.

🥀🃏 Do not be shy we have heard it all trust me. I work at the county prison as a peer support worker during the long winter months and council the troubled adult inmates and get them to participate in all sorts of fun activities that range from artistic therapy that has a purpose usually or even spirit work .ike for example I do free tarot readings for youth offenders who are repeat offenders and I try to change their attitude, its nice to volunteer there doing that sort of thing. You need to open up totally to this process, trust this process and just let lose because you're going to end up having wome fun and forgetting about your problems for a bit.

But then we do focus on the main issue at hand of course it's not all escapism, but I believe in the art of distracting the mind from hurt and painful situations.

And please do not hesitate to text at very odd hours we are totally dedicated to saving lives and we are here for you. We have so much new cbt and bshavior therapy work books to share with any one in need of a bit of freedom from their emotional trauma and/or illnesses . We are highly skilled trained professionals that gave dealt with the worst possible cases of schizophrenia in patients and really bothered bipolar people so dont worry, your problems will be simple to figure out. We just need to do the Mental Health.org programme and get you well again!

We get back to you within 1 hour of your message or sooner, but 1 hour at the latest. So we are super fast responders.

If you are honestly considering suicide please do not do it until you have read this post and at least tliked od texted ond or two of the numbers on the suicide list for yourself and see how you feel, if you still feel the same I give you this challenge: just for today , do not do it, not until it's the right time. You have to af least allow me to try to convince you otherwise about life today before you try to hurt yourself. That's the deal. K. You be patient. Hear me out. Just see if what I'm saying makes sense(!not now but when we text) I have a feeling you'll put down your weapon over choice of your idea of how yoyd debit because I have lots to tell you. I'm only one text away. You got my personal on-duty sock number now, man. That pretty specil. Bsczyse I care. Let's text all night? I'll tell you some secrets to life.

If you prefer to chat by e-mail I have my professional inbox open all day long for all clients from all over the world. But I mostly work in my base at the mentl health clinic as a peer support worker during most days 20 hrs a week! So I am pretty AVALIBLE. Here is my e-mail and my names Divinaedruin Jaxson okay call me Mrs. J. Or just Jaxx if you want to.

@ Jaxson17888@gmail.com ○<< x x x X x x x x x x x x

My name isn't important but you actually can call me Mrs. JAX OR just J or if you feel comfortable you can even call me by my nickname "JaxsonStoney" I am very easy to speak with I do not judge anyone for anything. I understand that we all have our reasons for doing certain things. But that doesnt mean we cannot learn and grow more wise from the mistakes and hardships we have encountered and make us a better much stronger person than we never could have dreamed of being! You are the star of your own movie play your part well, and what do you want to be remembered for? Is there any changes you feel you need to make? I think I'd gladly be able to set up a new goal plan with you if you are ready to break free. And are you truly wanting to be like a butterfly or s be high up in the sky able to fly because your so free? I have z natural remedy and a cure for all known diseases and disorders known to man. Time to move on. You ready? Let's go. In my office waiting for your text; ) ☆♡□🥀🕸🐞♦️🃏🍁🦋♣️🎱ℹ⊙♤◇Xx

@Divinaedruin

[ladystylestores]

The Ultimate One-Week Pacific Northwest Road Trip Itinerary • The Blonde Abroad

Jenna of Tales of the Vineyards recently traveled to Napa Valley, California for a 5-month wine harvest job. After wrapping up long hours working in the cellar and scrubbing her wine-stained hands, another epic adventure was all she had on her mind.

Jumping in a campervan with her harvest best friend Sarah, she journeyed out on the ultimate one-week Pacific Northwest road trip. Here’s Jenna with all the info!

As a first-timer on the West Coast, my list of places to visit and things to do was infinite. Coming from South Africa, a country that’s only a tenth of the size of the United States, it’s easy to forget the sheer size of one US state.

All I knew was that I was ready for a USA road trip of a lifetime (another first) and wanted to tick off at least one national park from my list.

After chatting to a couple of my friends in Napa and doing my own research, I came to the conclusion that venturing out to the usual suspects of California like Yosemite and Big Sur just wasn’t going to cut it.

Sitting on the couch one night with my housemate, she mentioned Glacier National Park in Montana and that was it—Sarah and I were going to drive over 1,400 miles from San Francisco to Glacier National Park with a few stops along the way…in winter!

Here’s the ultimate one-week Pacific Northwest road trip itinerary!

The Best  Time to Visit

Truth be told, winter isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. While the Pacific Northwest never reaches extreme summer temperatures, if rain, snow, and -17 degrees Celsius don’t sound like a fun time, then be sure to schedule this road trip for summer.

No matter the season, the Pacific Northwest has beauty around every corner.

Whether it’s sunny days wandering through the lush vineyards of the Willamette Valley in Oregon, frequenting the summer markets of Portland, or trekking through the snow-covered mountains of Glacier National Park, every season offers something special.

Top Spots to Visit on a Pacific Northwest Road Trip

Whether you’re starting your road trip in California and seeing some of the top sites on Pacific Coast Highway, or you’re wanting to explore all of the West Coast—I’ve got a number of places for you to check out!

Read More

Traveling in a Campervan in Winter

Going on a road trip in a campervan in winter seems daunting (and foolish) to most, but really, it’s doable as long as you go prepared. An extra duvet, a warm jacket, fairy lights, and plenty of coffee go a long way!

The main reason we chose to get a campervan was the freedom it would give us in staying wherever we wanted, especially when it came to National Parks. We rented our campervan from Lost Campers based in San Francisco as their options were extremely affordable and included unlimited miles.

We went with their Sierra Class van which included:

A bed for 2 with linen

Kitchen kit (pots, coffee mugs, cups, cutlery)

A double burner stove (hello, coffee!)

A sink with water

Storage space

Battery-operated cooler box

After a few friends saying we were crazy to even think about sleeping in a campervan in winter, we decided to bring along an extra duvet and blanket just in case. When you hit those negative temperatures, these definitely come in handy.

Traveling and sleeping in a campervan has its highs and lows. I have no doubt that getting one during summertime would definitely be a little easier – sleeping, changing, and socializing in a small van can be tricky to navigate when you’re trying to avoid stepping foot out into snowy or rainy weather.

With that said, it really just adds to the adventure and we wouldn’t have changed a thing. It allowed us to be flexible, to always have our things close by, and made us realize how little you need to go on an unbelievable trip.

Simple things like standing to change your clothes or rummaging through a cupboard start to feel like luxuries.

  Helpful Tip:

Road tripping in winter, your chances of coming across snowy roads are pretty high. Make sure to include snow chains in any sort of car or campervan rental and know how to put them on – you don’t want to be caught off guard and left in the middle of nowhere making friends with the local moose.

Day 1 – San Francisco to McMinnville

Via I-5 – Approximately 9.5-Hour Drive

Eager to get the show on the road, start your day early and knock a big distance out of the way. Take in the beautiful scenery on the drive with snowy mountains in the distance, lush forests lining the highway, and an even chillier bite in the air.

On arrival in McMinnville, a historic little town in the heart of Oregon’s wine country, throw on a jacket and wander its streets adorned with twinkling lights. Explore one of the many bars before settling in at a cozy restaurant.

After a well-deserved meal and with hopefully a second wind kicking in, pop into the Conservatory Bar. Serving up incredible cocktails and local beers, they’re known for their winter warmers that are perfect for combatting the outside chill.

If you see their hot buttered rum on the menu, do yourself a favor and order one right away.

Suggestions:

One of the many Willamette Valley wineries

Day 2 – McMinnville to Portland

Via Pacific Highway W – Approximately 1-Hour Drive

Before hitting the road, grab a coffee and breakfast on NE 3rd Street at Community Plate (pictured above). A cute, upbeat cafe that’s great for a quick bite to eat or something a little slower paced if you’re not in any rush.

Oregon is known for producing incredible Pinot Noir wine (and plenty others), so a trip to a couple of wineries on your way to Portland is a must for any wine lover. Make sure to make an appointment beforehand and be prepared for unreal photo opportunities.

After a day of vino and vineyards, arrive in the beautiful city of Portland. Known for its hipsters and coffee culture, grab a cuppa joe on your way to the Pearl District for dinner. Wander down NW 13th to admire the refurbished deep-red buildings before settling down for a tasty meal.

Willamette Valley Wineries to Visit:

Bergström – Incredible Pinot Noir and Chardonnay using fruit from four of the Willamette Valley’s best appellations

Lingua Franca – Producing wines that reflect the true expression of their fruit, Lingua Franca is known for their premium Pinot Noir and Chardonnay

Chateau Deluxe – For those looking for something special, Chateau Deluxe is a small producer creating seriously good Pet-Nat (natural sparkling wine)

Day 3 – Portland

Winter in Portland is guaranteed to be a wet one so make sure you’ve got a great waterproof jacket for wandering the streets.

Start your day at one of the many cute coffee shops scattered throughout the city or head straight to Mississippi Avenue for a bit of morning shopping. Browse the boutique stores or stop at The Meadow to stock up on delicious snacks for the road.

If you’re as big a fan of cheese as I am, take a drive to the Cheese Bar on SE Belmont Street for one of the best cheese boards of your life paired with a glass (or bottle) of local wine. Next up, head to Powell’s Books – the world’s largest independent bookstore – to grab an interesting read for the road ahead.

A culinary highlight and dinner-must when visiting Portland is Pok Pok in SE Division. Serving unbelievable dishes inspired by Thai street food since 2005, Ike’s Vietnamese Fish Sauce Wings and the Papaya Pok Pok salad are what foodie dreams are made of.

Day 4 – Portland to Seattle

Via I-5 N – Approximately 3-Hour Drive

Start your morning early for the 3-hour drive to Seattle. You’ll want to get there before the crazy afternoon traffic hits – something we definitely didn’t think about.

Although pretty rainy and gloomy during winter, don’t be fooled, Seattle never sleeps. Park your car for the night and hit the streets. Head to the George Washington Memorial Bridge to snap a picture with the famous Fremont Troll – a gigantic troll sculpture living under the bridge with roots in Norwegian folk culture.

Next up, visit the iconic Space Needle for unbelievable views. And if twinkly lights tickle your fancy, head there later at night to see the city light up – it’s open until 8 pm on weekdays and 9 pm on weekends.

  Helpful Tip:

Seattle, especially in the city center, isn’t ideal when it comes to traveling in a campervan. Parking is a nightmare and driving up hills in rain and traffic can be super stressful. I’d suggest finding a hostel or hotel for the time that you’re there and to park your car in overnight parking. We found a great garage on 3rd Street for just over $50 for 2 nights.

Day 5 – Seattle

Like Portland, Seattle has become known as the “mecca of coffee” offering perfectly brewed coffee on almost every street.

Start your morning off on Cherry Street with a freshly baked pastry and a cup of coffee from Cherry Street Coffee House before strolling down to the waterfront. Take in views across Elliott Bay to the Olympic Mountains as you head towards iconic Pike Place Market.

Undoubtedly one of Seattle’s most-visited attractions, Pike Place Market is home to delicious seafood, fresh produce, and crafty stores. But watch out – don’t get in the way of the guys behind the seafood counters and their killer fish-throwing skills.

Every couple of minutes you’ll see fish casually flying through the air as they pass it jokingly between each other.

A quick 15-minute walk away, visit the must-see Olympic Sculpture Park. See impressive works from top contemporary artists with the Space Needle and the Olympic Mountains as your backdrop. And the best part – the park is free!

Would you take a look at all that snow?!

Day 6 – Seattle to Spokane

Via I-90 E – Approximately 6-Hour Drive

Rise and shine – today’s the day you head towards the Montana mountains!

While Google Maps may make the route from Seattle to Glacier National Park look doable in a single day, the snowy conditions of winter definitely throw a curveball. Start your day early with a pit stop at a grocery store on the outskirts of Seattle to stock up on essentials before heading towards Spokane for the night.

Take it slow on the roads and watch as your surroundings change. The snow gets thicker and the temperatures quickly start to drop as you get closer to Montana – Big Sky Country.

Once you reach Spokane, choose from a few campgrounds for the night and cozy up for a night’s rest before the final adventure to Glacier.

Day 7 – Spokane to Glacier National Park

Via I-90 E – Approximately 7-Hour Drive

Put on those woolly socks and light up the gas stove, a cup of coffee will be essential to knock off the chill and kickstart your day.

Get on the road early as the drive towards Glacier isn’t incredibly far but expect the icy roads of the pass and potentially snowy conditions to delay your trip by at least 2 hours.

Enjoy a leisurely drive through dramatic landscapes with towering mountains and frozen lakes passing by. The roads start to quieten down quite a lot, so make sure you’ve filled up with gas, have something packed for lunch, and are stocked up on food for your time in the park.

After a good couple of hours on the road you’ll finally reach Glacier National Park and boy, is every mile worth it!

Only a few roads are maintained over winter and the only area to stay in is at the Apgar Campground, so be prepared for maximum peace and quiet. Pick your spot amongst the snow overlooking the McDonald Lake and take in scenes that few people ever get to witness in their lifetime:

Deer wandering past, snow gently falling to the ground, and views for miles.

  Helpful Tip:

Staying at the campground during winter is free and the Apgar Visitor Center is still operational and can help with any questions. There’s also a little souvenir shop that has a couple of snacks and serves hot drinks in case you run out.

Day 8 – Glacier National Park

Wake up cuddled under your duvet surrounded by complete beauty and tons of animal tracks! Start the day as slow as you like but coffee and warm breakfast comes highly recommended.

Glacier National Park over winter really is a place of serenity. With only a few hiking paths open and not much else to do, throw on your (waterproof) hiking boots and hit a path to enjoy the views and wildlife. This is truly the ultimate adventure if you’re wanting to immerse yourself in nature and avoid any crowds.

The rest of your time? Drink plenty of tea, catch up on some reading, do a little journaling, and enjoy the wonderland around you.

A Local’s Guide to Glacier National Park

If you’re thinking about heading to Glacier, you’re in for a treat. There’s a reason there were more than three million visitors there last year!

Read More

Shopping List

Pretty much your preparation shopping can be done at any sporting good store. Here are some of the key things to bring along!

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Final Thoughts

Don’t be scared of seasons, you may just end up on the best adventure of your life.

Leading up to our trip, there were many occasions where I thought we were downright crazy to want to road trip in a campervan during winter. Yes, it can get a little crowded and yes, it was tough braving the cold especially when we hit Glacier and wanted to make a cup of tea.

But would we do it all over again? A thousand times, yes.

Our trip extended all the way down to Yellowstone, Zion, Vegas, and back up the coast to San Francisco – an epic journey that I’d recommend to anyone and everyone.

What are you waiting for? Pack those bags, rent that campervan, and get exploring.

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[survivorstarshollow]

It is time for the Rites of Passage! 

Luis: Who??? 

Colleen: WHOO?? 

Jacob: Whooooo? 

Julia: Bye girl 

Madison: The first of many fallen queens, who you gotta be so busy the fuck? 

Dom: The second fallen queen. I love you so much, I hope all is well. You really were gonna be my ride or die this game. I was so sad when you had to walk, but I respect it 10000000% 

Shoib: You made my gay ass so uncomfortable. Down with the king. 

Andie: I wanted to work with you so bad but you were so inactive! Sad! 

Chrissa: The third fallen queen. I know you would fall on your sword for me any day of the week. I am thankful for your years of friendship <3

Matt: Another fallen legend. You played so hard and I respect that so much. You just got caught in the crosshairs because of it. I wish we could have worked together for longer. 

Frances: Girl your elimination had me shook and kind of lit a fire under my ass! You were one of the kindest people I've met in games and I really hope we can chat after all this! I knew you were all up aligned with people, but you were always so good to me. I was so sad to see you go! 

Owen: Whew, another game where you were a threat to win? I believe it. I've known you for so long and you never cease to amaze me with your gameplay. I think it came to the point in the game where it was me or you, so sadly it had to be you. 

Jake: You're probably so mad at me for not using my idol on you and etc. but at the same time, we didn't talk that much. If you had come to me earlier in the day I feel like the chances were better that I used it. I would have loved to work with you in this game, but it kinda seemed like you had your group and I had mine :/ 

Autumn: Girl.... do I have some tea.... I hope I make it to the FTC to tell you how robbed you were. Love you <3

LUIS: hi king i really wanted to try to work w u bc u seemed cool but u were just a round 1 victim since you didn’t know anyone in the game. Hope ur living ur best life!!

COLLEEN: idk u

JACOB: hi inactive king u probs wont read this but ty for going inactive and saving me butt

JULIA: LOL u probably are never gonna read this but i missed u in the game and our little scam to survive that one round was fun

MADISON: i lav u & ur a lil slut shaming snake!!

DOM: bye bye king im sad u quit and we didnt get 2 play 2gether again

SHOIB: ur a king i guess,,,

ANDIE: whew a king. We started off on the same page and tbh i think u just have too much of a life for orgs which honestly wig @ that. Hope ur living ur best life

CHRISSA: chrissa queen we literally messaged each other 0 times in this game so i guess we just weren’t meant to work together this time rip

MATT: LOL we deadass never talked but from what other people said you seemed pretty chill so im sure thats the case ~ idk i mean we never talked so there isn’t much to say rip a king

FRANCES: FRANCES!!!!!!! WHAT THE HECK I MISS U SO MUCH!!!! Idk like u were the one person i met in this game that i absolutely loved and i really liked working w u. Even though u said u wouldn’t use your idol on me ur still my fave person in this game & ur eviction vote off thing made me really really sad. Things probably would have gone v different if u were still here ;( u were super robbed but i hope that ur move to LA went well if it happened and that ur living ur best life

OWEN: > : ( ur a mean snake but u got done dirty and im sorry for that. You were playing a really good game but after seeing how quickly u turned on miss frances i was scared and what happened happened. Ur still a king tho and ik u think im a fat rat but i would be a fat dumb goat-rat if i just sat and let u continue to control the game

JAKE: UM http://i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/facebook/000/022/686/download.jpg Idk i told u i had a trick up my sleeve and i definitely lied and did u dirty but it was honestly kind of fun NNNN ik u hate me in this game but u gotta admit its kinda funny LOL

AUTUMN: im sad that we never truly connected on a game level, but i was fortunate that we were able to have our moments where we saw eye to eye and had some real talks starting early on in the game. I think you’re a force to be reckoned with in every game that you play and i’m glad that i finally got the chance to play with you ~

Luis- I’m really sorry that we didn’t talk, it would have been nice to get to know you. 

Colleen- We never got to play together I don’t think but I’m sorry you left so soon!

Jacob- I’m sorry that you left so soon! :( 

Julia- You were ROBBED I know we never really work together in games but I absolutely adore you and I wish you would have been around longer <3

Madison- GIRL, I absolutely adore you I’m sorry that you left so soon.  You are such a nice person and an ICON and you shouldn’t have left so soon, I love watching you play because you always play so differently and I wish you would have stuck around in this game! 

Dom- I WAS SO SAD WHEN YOU LEFT.  You’re such a nice person and have such a good heart, I’ve known you longer than most people in this community and I absolutely love you and this was going to be our game that we didn’t turn on one another!!  We weren’t together for long but you were the one person I could tell anything game related to and outside of the game you are one of the few people I can vent about things to (HAHAHAH LSDJFLDJSF) without having to worry and I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, one day we will play together again and work together as closely as we did in this game! <3 

Shoib- king snake, i don’t know if I’m happy or sad that we were never on the same tribe HAHA.  You are awesome and I’m sorry you left so fast! 

Andie- I LOVED working with you this season!  You are such a nice person and you have such an amazing heart and I’m glad that we got to catch up with one another, I hope you are doing well Andie! <3  I wish you wouldn’t have gone so soon! 

Chrissa- You are such a sweetheart and you were so robbed this season!  I had a lot of fun playing with you and I wish we would have worked together while you were still in! 

Matt- We never talked much but you seemed nice!  It was nice playing with you!

Frances- SLDJFLDSJF I’m sorry that we didn’t talk until right before you left, you are an icon and I think that it is awesome that you are following your dreams and I hope that I hear how things go with the show you wrote!  <3 

Owen- This was the HARDEST vote by far but it was the smartest for my own personal game if I wanted to make it as far as I am now!  I’m sorry in advance for the one really mean confessional I made about you when I WAS LAST PICK WHEN THE TRIBES WERE PICKED when I thought you would pick me first sljflsdjf!!  I had so much fun playing with you and I felt like I could tell you anything without it going anywhere.  I’m SO sorry for turning on you, I do wonder still if it was the right decision but we all know that you would win if you made it this far!  I love you and I’m sorry and aren’t you proud of me for not breaking our snap streak? I’ve done pretty good for 30 ish days!!  It’s been a fun ride and I love you so much you have such a sweet soul <3 <3

Jake- I’m really sorry!  The alliance that you, Owen, Autumn and I were in meant a lot to me but it was better for my game to change it up and work with other people because the three of you were forces to be reckoned with!!  It was nice getting to know you! 

Autumn- GIRL, voting you out was so hard.  We haven’t been as connected in this game as we have been in others but I love you and you are so nice and so easy to talk to!  I can’t wait to hear about NYC when you get there! <3

Luis - rip we never got the chance to talk i don’t think so i don’t really know you

Colleen - I remember messaging you and I don’t think you ever replied so I’m not sure what was up but glad we got to play! 

Jacob - You were on the other tribe so we didn’t get to really talk:(

Julia - julia, again on another tribe but i remember you not even being invested in the game because you said it on a house call for another game lolllll

Madison - ily and I’m so sad we didn’t get to play together too much. I remember you were kinda out of the loop hehe 

Dom - Dom uggg rip I enjoyed playing this game with you a lot and I was so sad to see you go. I hope everything is going better now and hope to see you in other games:) 

Shoib - shoib lollll i remember like the first day you went idol searching and it got put in the tribe. You started off like all out but you were super inactive in the game i feel like. I was looking forward to working together in this game but in that aspect we both kinda flopped haha 

Andie - We also didn’t really play together at all rip i just remember you not being around too much. Idk if you were busy but hope to see you in other games! 

Chrissa - poor Chrissa robbed, ily and wish we had been able to work together more in this game. You are always fun to play with and have such a sweet soul!

Matt - Matt you were such a great player tbh and one of the most invested people in the game. You were strategic and even pretty good at the challenges. We clicked really well and I know I kinda lost your trust at one point in the game but I still am glad we met and worked together for a bit.

Frances - Frances okay woo so I had played a mini with you once before and saw how great of a player you were. You were very social with others in the game! I know the night you left it was very chaotic and honestly i didn’t even know what was happening...but i know you kinda had like some deals with different people? Idkk lolll but it was super nice playing another game with you and you were def one of the people i was closest with 

Owen - comp legend, lolll i know we didn’t really work together either but you were always so kind even if we were going after each other

Jake - rip so i did you dirty too I’m sorry but again super awesome to see you in a separate game because we always have a blast together. Same thing as I said to autumn: we talked as if we weren’t targeting each other, which was still fun lolll. Anyway I really hope to see you in a separate game and go crazy

Autumn- okay so we chose to kinda go out separate ways in this game lolll but I was super happy to see you on the cast reveal! We would be going after each other but we still talked as if none of that was happening hahahah. Love you so much sorry for doing you dirty

[micheltaanman-blog]

Dit is voorwerk voor de Japan-Trip die dochter Jools en ik gaan ondernemen als er geen euro meer in de porseleine lucky-cat spaarpot past . Dit lijkt on sowieso super grappig en Japans . Met zijn allen in een Aziatische  bijenkorf in slaap vallen met op de achtergrond de stadsgeluiden van Tokio.

Tokio i,am on my way .

    https://ninehours.co.jp/en/shinjuku-north/

nine hours Shinjuku-North bldg. 3F-8F 1-4-15 Hyakunincho,Shinjuku-ku,Tokyo 169-0073 Japan 1 minutes from JR Shin-Okubo Station

  What It’s Like to Stay in 9 Hours Pod Hotel in Shinjuku Japan

I was a little apprehensive to stay in a pod hotel in Tokyo. When it popped up on Agoda’s suggestions of recommended hotels for my overnight stay before my sister arrived in town I dismissed it at first. I spent the next thirty minutes or so researching and came back to this option. But why? Part of it was wanting to know What It’s Like to Stay in 9 Hours Pod Hotel in Shinjuku Japan.

The hotel’s location is ideal, situated in the Shinjuku area on the west side of Tokyo. It’s easy to get there from the airports by train, off the well known Tokyo subway Yamanote JR line, two blocks from Shin-Okubo station. (There’s only one exit at this stop – you make a right after you exit, turn right and walk 2-3 blocks. It’s on the right after a 7-Eleven and the building is well marked with the hotel name, as seen above.)

You take the elevator up to the check in desk and immediately notice how modern it is. Everything is grey, black and white, and designed in simple lines and materials, including poured concrete. They’ve done a great job at keeping it sleek and posh without feeling cold. 

Here’s some questions you may have that I’ve anticipated and answered below. Feel free to ask more questions in the comments and I will answer!

Is it a “party scene”?

I was concerned it’d be a little bit like a hostel, noisy and a younger crowd. It was incredibly quiet everywhere – almost like a library. They have signs to please keep noise levels at a minimum in the dorm area, especially. I saw people of all ages staying there during my less-than-24 stay, including younger travelers around college age to older couples in their 50s.

Where do I keep my things?

Upon check in, which is available at noon, you’re given a flexible plastic key card with a QR code on it to open a locker specifically assigned to you. Your locker number corresponds with your sleep pod number as well. I was quite impressed to find the lockers equipped with two hangers, slippers, a toothbrush with toothpaste and pajamas to borrow for the evening. A towel is provided as well. Since you need the key card to access your locker, where all your belonging are, I slept with it close and was sure not to misplace it.

Do the pod capsules feel claustrophobic?

This was a big one for me and I’m sure it’s one of your main concerns too. I was so worried I’d feel like I was suffocating. I will say if you’re a true claustrophobic I’m unsure how you may react, as I do not possess a clinical phobia to small, enclosed spaces. However I was surprised to learn the capsule was bigger than I imagined; the bed seemed to be nearly twin size and the height of the pod was taller too, though if I lifted  my arm I could almost touch the ceiling. I wonder if my 6’2″ tall partner would fit, as it’s always a concern for how long a bed is when we travel, though he wasn’t with me this trip.

What are the pods like? Are they comfortable?

Yes! It’s not the most comfortable bed you’ll ever sleep in but I’m happy to report it was clean, sanitary (spotless, really) and comfy. The dorm design also feels very futuristic! Each pod has a crescent shaped pillow on the bed that feels like it’s made of bean bag chair materials, with little cushiony spheres inside. Each comforter has a white duvet cover on it. Each pod is equipped with its own light switch on a dimmer and outlet, which came in handy for charging my iPhone overnight. (Other than the common area by the checkin desk and bathrooms this was the only place I could find an outlet. It’d be hard to leave something unattended to charge and feel that it was 100% secure, like a camera, iPad or battery pack.)

Do they have separate male and female floors?

Yes, females and males are on separate floors. I was a solo female traveler and I only saw males when I was downstairs in the one common area they have. Floors are well marked with what’s on each, for instance the women’s bathroom on floor 7. While you don’t need a key card for access to the elevators and each individual floor, everyone enters the building in the ground floor elevator, is taken up to floor 8 (checkin) and then has a choice of elevators from there. Women can travel down to floors 5-7 for females. Theoretically anyone could enter any floor but Japan’s a pretty safe country and I felt safe the entire time and that everyone was respectful of all rules including separation of genders.

Is it hard to fall asleep?

It depends on who is in the dorm and how noisy they are as well as how heavy a sleeper you are and how quickly you can enter sleep! My partner can fall asleep incredibly easily while I usually take between 30-60 minutes to get to the same point. Each pod has a shade you lower when you’re inside for privacy. They do not block noise, however the lighting and white noise streamed into the area creates a sense of calm and quiet. The only noise I experienced, anywhere the whole time, was when two friends seemed to be talking in the dorm area, not realizing how much their voices carry and could be heard. In the morning there was an issue of everyone’s iPhone alarm clocks going off – I woke up even if I didn’t want to at 7:00am. Once one alarm started to go off…then another…I was awake and there was no falling back asleep. It was only an issue because I was so jet lagged from my flight to Japan just hours before. Next time I would bring ear plugs to mitigate the morning alarm factor.

Are the bathrooms and hotel clean?

Impeccably so. The bathrooms looked brand new, including plenty of mirrors and clean countertop space. I was in awe of the toilets. Japan is known for their high tech toilets and when you entered the bathroom the toilet lid magically lifted! They also have great showers that are stocked with shampoo, conditioner and shower gel in every one and have complimentary hair dryers to use. You cannot smoke or eat in the hotel – I suspect that helps keep things tidy!

Why didn’t you stay in an Air BnB?

I looked on Air BnB a lot before booking 9 Hours Shinjuku Japan. I’m a huge fan of Air BnB and have used their service countless times but I also know it’s not always the best choice. After a lot of research it turned out it wasn’t a viable, affordable option for one night stay upwards of double the cost even for a room in a shared apartment. Nothing was as inexpensive as the pod hotel, at about $50 USD total for the evening (5,000 yen). A lot of Air BnB listings seemed like they were affordable but then when you input dates and saw the grand total, with things like housekeeping added on, prices nearly doubled. Given that you also have to coordinate with a host for Air BnB checkin for one night stay the cost and coordination wasn’t worth it to me. The best thing to do is to research your options to make an educated decision according to your personality and what could be right for you.

What if I need to store my luggage there after check out?

I did! Actually, I felt most people staying there did. There’s a roped off area next to the checkin desk where you can leave luggage until you need to come back to the hotel to claim it. For instance, I was meeting my sister at a new hotel at 5pm that day but check out is strictly at 10:00am. (There is NO requesting a late check out.) So I simply left my luggage and a backpack in the roped off area. Sure, it’s at your own risk but hotel and area are safe.

Is there free wifi in the building?

Yup, there sure is. I received a pretty strong signal everywhere I went too!

We’re a couple. Can we can stay together?

At this pod hotel there’s only two options: male or female. Thus, heterosexual couples cannot stay together and the pods are designed for single occupancy only.

  Text ; http://sometimeshome.com/9-hours-pod-hotel-shinjuku-japan/

  1. Consecutive Stays All guests must check out daily. We apologize for the inconvenience and thank you for your understanding. 2. Cancelling or Changing a Reservation Call us at Shinjuku-North：03-5291-7337 3. Late Arrival If you will be arriving later than your designated check-in time, please call us at Shinjuku-North（ 03-5291-7337）.If we have not heard from you and you have not arrived and past the check-in time, your reservation will be cancelled. 4. Payment Terms Payment is required in advance, at the time of check-in. For consecutive stays, payment for each day should be made separately at the time of check-in. 5. Methods of Payment Payment can be made by cash or via credit card (VISA, Master, American Express, JCB). 6. Oversized Luggage Luggage that does not fit in the lockers can be stored in the holding area next to front desk, even after you have checked out. This does not include valuables. You are responsible for the safety of your valuables. 7. Check-in, Check-out, and Extensions Check-in begins at 1pm and you have until 10am the following morning to check out. There are no extensions. 8. Amenities A bath towel, face towel, loungewear, and a toothbrush can be found inside your locker. Hair dryers are located on each locker room/shower room floor. Shampoo, conditioner, and soap are provided in each shower unit.

9. Inside the Sleeping Pod Sleeping pods measure 110cm wide by 220cm deep by 110cm tall. 10. Locking Sleeping Pods Locking of sleeping pods is not allowed by law. Please keep your valuables and other items safety by yourself. 11. Laundry There are no laundry facilities (washing machines) on the premises. 12. Food and Drink Food and drinks are not available at the facility, but you are free to bring your own. Please use the lounges or locker room when eating or drinking, as doing so within your sleeping pod is not allowed. 13. Cleaning Fee Damaged or sullied bedding, intentional or otherwise, is subject to a 5000 yen cleaning fee. 14. Parking Parking is not provided.

Hourly parking lots are available in surrounding areas. Ask a staff member for details. 15. Corporate Contracts We can offer corporate contracts. Corporate customers that wish to make regular use of our facilities should contact us for further details at 03-6721-5963

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Tokio

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Locatie

Tokio dreams. 9 Hours Pod Hotel . Japantrip met Jools. Dit is voorwerk voor de Japan-Trip die dochter Jools en ik gaan ondernemen als er geen euro meer in de porseleine lucky-cat spaarpot past .