#ik it sounds like im speaking for everyone but obv im not but i think a lot of mental illnesses have symptoms that will make you compare

[drinkyourvillainjuice]

not the male ro anon (obv), but it feels always kind of strange to me when people ask for more or like even gender distribution in ro? like ik its bcs im a funky aroace, but first of all, the romance is a feauture not the main selling point. if there's no ro that appeals to you, the story (should) and their friendships can. like yeah, i also scroll down to the ro list and check everyone out, but if no ones my personal taste, im still playing the game if the premise and plot sound cool. like your writing is more than just the romance points. (maybe im a bit bitter on this topic bcs i deal/t with romance being the main and only point in every media ever, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.)

and you also dont have to stick to your taste. am i into women? no but i can make a character who is and i can still enjoy the romance of it. ik customization is a really massive part of if games, but it also offers the means to explore outside of your own identity. i think thats a big part of flavor texts too, seeing the small differences and how it changes the experience between different types of people.

and speaking from a coders perspective, maybe im just lazy (laziness is a lie and doesnt exist), but having to code the different pronouns and maybe even gender specific flavour text for gender selectable RO can be kinda annoying at times ngl. and i can absolutely understand why writers dont want to add gender selectable ro options because theres a lot of important differences in how people are brought up as, and the amount it could change someones character can be massive, we're talking like straight up two (or more) different people, just for one selection in an RO. and sometimes offering gender selection just doesnt make sense for the romance or the plot. not only does teddys sexuality but also gender play into his romance and character. it would not have the same meaning if we were allowed to change his gender.

and thats just like 3 points i personally can think of. and personally, genuinely, obviously no hate to the anon, i understand if its just a frustration of an perceived "imbalance" in ro, but authors have many reasons why they chose to offer the ro that they do, to make them gender selectable or not. and speaking from a readers perspective, sometimes we do feel entitled to ro, options and flavor, that the author knows wont happen. that doesnt make us bad readers, or authors bad writers and coders, its just something we have to remind ourselves of. "theres probably a reason for it".

I spent a bit of time considering which ROs could even have been switchable and I ultimately came up with Wil, Alistair, and CG. And with CG that would mean changing some of her background and tbh I kind of like Alistair being a guy and a more 'nurturing' type of character.

So yeah. idk. With Wil I felt like the opportunity was there to make them switchable and I decided to give it a shot since it'd be something I hadn't tried before (and let me include a character who potentially has neopronouns. but M!Wil was always gonna be a thing.

and agree that pronoun code is a pain in the butt.

[aqent8]

yk like art... genuinely cant think of a worse hobby to have when ur mentally ill in the year when everyones posting their art and 13yr olds are building businesses around their talent for it. like art is truly the worst thing u can do rn 😩

[dragonshoard]

Shdhf here’s most of the other drawins! M gonna be workin on sm digital ones tmrw probably but these are the traditional ones i did in my free times :>

(Btw these were all done yesterday morning/afternoon, so more visible/harsh scarring than i’d now draw with the new info u gave me)

Honestly, since u havent posted a ref/in depth description i jus went with whatever i thought might be likely(shoeless because grew out of them+couldnt get any in the pits, tho im guessing she likely has shoes in the au shfg- also scarring on the chin cause i thought ‘damn what if she smacked her face into the floor while trying to get away’) tho obv i’d draw it differently with any new info. The ‘Jinx’ carving into the collar was also jus me being like ‘damn dont they smtms do that to dogs in fighting rings?? Thatd be fucked up lol’ so like,, feel free to ignore it shdhf

Anyway! Away from the doodles! I am jus,, fuckin burstin with questions mate- ur au’s so cool!! U dont have to answer any of em tho dw sjdjf

So does vi show up well post!pits or do her n cait investigate the pits n see jinx? Im assuming its post based on ur comment of them takin a while to show up since things happen differently, but i felt like askin anyway :p

Does fighter!jinx still tinker/build stuff?? Ik u said she would never touch bombs n such(which, understandable. That sounds like jus askin to be triggered tbh)- but if/when she meets up with ekko does she maybe help with buildin them stuff? Makin/repairin hoverboards, makin guns- or maybe knives n such? Idk what skills u’re givin her dhdgdb

Oh, and with ur first post on this au, im assuming jinx escapes at 15? Can i ask how old she was when silco first gets her? Does she spend a lot of time after escaping just hiding out and ekko happens upon her by accident? Does she gain any injuries while escaping? Does she stay with the firelights when she meets them or does she only visit so as to not draw silco towards them too much? Does silco have specific people hunting jinx down(say, her handlers from the pits, or sevika?) or is it jus like,, everyone in his empire is on high alert for her n everyones to go after her if they see her?

And speaking of sevika- whats her opinion of all this? I mean, obv im guessing shes in favor of whatever silco wants, but do u think she ever felt guilt/regret over tossing vander n his kids to the wolves(literally, in powders case) or does she jus,, not care??

And a final thought(im so sorry i jus realized how many questions this is dhdhdhv)- with jinx’s seeming penchant/willingness to bite anyone n everyone(jus based off the mention of biting the animal-turned-shimmer!monster she fought + her desire to bite silcos hand) does she ever get muzzled?? Or nah??

kjnkdjfnkj i love the pics!! Nah any creative liberties you took are cool to see! I’m still having a hard time drawing Jinx so I was practicing before I could actually post any art refs. 

“Jinx” would be inscribed in the collar if Silco was a pure asshole, but as cruel as he seems in this AU, he doesn’t actually see her as a dog or a pet despite what everyone thinks. He wants her by his side eventually and sees everything that he’s done (towards the last year or two) as a means of “freeing” her. Oh and she does have shoes. They’re falling apart, but they exist xD Not the best idea to fight barefoot on metal. 

And I can totally see the logic behind the scarring. It doesn’t help that she is malnourished, especially in those first few years, so her healing wasn’t very efficient. But, surprisingly, her face is not as marked up as you think it would be after 5-6 years. It’s the rest of her body that’s got an impressive collection. 

(He visits her pretty often towards the end, talking to her and braiding her hair, and it sucks because Jinx naturally wants to not be alone, but also hates the bastard with everything in her. She’d have Stockholm syndrome in this au if it wasn’t for the voices)

Vi is gonna have a straight up heart attack the minute she’s close enough to see the scarring. It’s pretty extensive on her upper body, despite how most of it is pretty faint (barring a few bigger scars) and it’s enough to tell Vi that Jinx has had a rough couple of years. 

I’ll be honest, when I first posted about this AU I thought Powder was 10 in Act 1 and 16 in Act 2-3. Apparently she was 11-12 and 17-18, respectively, so that ruins things a bit xD 

So for sake of keeping it mostly canon, she is roughly 11 when she’s captured by Silco and 17 when she gets free. It won’t be Vi and/or Cait who comes to save her though (I’m actually writing her escape right now so I think I’ll keep quiet on the ‘how’. It’s gonna be appropriately tragic xD). But she does get about a year of freedom before Vi and Cait go into to the undercity. And they show up because she’s messing with Silco’s stuff and leaving a very noticeable trail of destruction behind her. The firelights may or may not be getting caught in the crossfires of her crusade. Ekko is desperately trying to find her (take her in), but for a long while she is absolutely convinced that he’s working with Silco so avoids him like the plague (but doesn’t seriously hurt him or his out of respect for who he used to be to her). 

Speaking of Silco, he absolutely is having multiple people hunting her down. Everyone in his circle has a “report if found, do not engage” order while a select few lead capture attempts. He’s very aware that, as her target, she will eventually come at him so he fortifies himself the best he can. He’s ALSO very aware that she is much stronger than most of his lackies, so knows not to attempt a “capture on sight” order.

As for Sevika... I’ll be honest, I don’t think she gives a damn what happens to the girls. She was perfectly fine with a bunch of kids dying for the undercity, so I don’t see why she would care about Powder being put into the Pits.  Personally, I think Sevika is in favor of getting rid of her and makes her opinion to Silco very known. Jinx was a danger to them if she ever escaped and Sevika was well aware. She also knew that Silco was soft enough for the kid that he would give her leniencies that might lead to said escape (she’s not wrong). 

On another note, Jinx does eventually learn to love building things again. She’ll start building at first out of necessity (her guns aren’t gonna come from thin air, ya know), then because she remembers her passion for it. She is going to be very scared for a while, but eventually learns to get that part of her back. No explosives, but there are plenty of other things to make. In the future, she does spend a lot of time with Heimerdinger once he comes to the undercity/Zaun and he sort of takes both her and Ekko under his wing. He understands she’s been hurt for a very long time and there used to be a part of her that loved to invent, so he does his best to support her interest and catch her up on what she’s missed over the years. 

Personally, I think he’ll encourage her to go back to the basics and start her off on small things like those butterflies/animals before moving onto bigger things, but Jinx would probably try to jump right into the deep end (she would be building guns at this point, it couldn’t be that difficult - said Jinx). Not sure if that works out for her yet. This post is a bit long, so I’ll talk about her skill a bit later (but it does change over time). 

Ekko... I’m on the fence with him. There’s going to be so much guilt and anger there for a long time. Once she realizes he’s not with Silco, Jinx just wants him to forget about everything that’s happened and go back to the way they used to be (desperate to re-claim the very few good things she has left in this world), but that just can’t happen. 

I’m a timebomb shipper. I want them to be together if Jinx is shipped with anyone in this AU, but I don’t know if I’ll actually put her with anyone. She’s got a lot to work on personally (not even looking at her mental health issues) and I’m not sure if pairing her with Ekko is what’s best for the both of them. 

-- oh no you’re giving me ideas with the muzzle ahh. But really, I could see it happening the first year or two before she’s permanently fitted with a shock collar. By that point, I think she’s learned when to bite and when to punch or kick. 

[wickedpact]

You can't just drop that "I read Forces Multiplied" bomb on us and not give a ten page written reaction.

[cracks knuckles] if u insist

nicky cant drive hc: destroyed. rip. also i loved how andy and nile stole those sports cars and were being badass and driving off the bridge & meanwhile joe and nicky were just absolutely vibing in the van

'heres the thing about power: people who have it think they deserve it' [shot of police car] i see u greg

5 whole panels being dedicated to booker not being able to unlock his door. booker not even seeing noriko sitting RIGHT THERE in the window at first. incredible

noriko being 24/7 horny was surprising. like wow all of the stuff i saw she did out of context was 100% equally horny in context as it was out of context. love that for her

i didnt think the 'andy + slavery' thing was handled as badly as everyone made it out to be when telling me about it. tho from the way it was talked about i had kind of figured the conflict between andy and nile re: slavery would be really racially charged (esp considering nile is a black american and would obvs have Thoughts on the subject in that regard) but like,, done in a cringey 'a-white-guy-obviously-wrote-it' kind of way? but it wasnt that. i mean. it makes sense that andy would be implicit in slavery through the years

i mean, like she says, is that not what people just did to each other in the aftermath of battles for thousands of years? and i really like how its pointed out that it was what she was raised with (in the beginning when you see her put shackles on that guy after the battle) but she also accepts responsibility for it and acknowledges that it was wrong and not just 'what people did'.

i like how from her expressions you can kind of tell baby andy knew it was off but she sets those feelings aside bc she felt angry. it explains how she felt but didnt make her out to be blameless in it. plus i mean. i dont know, the fact that andy was involved in a lot of morally shady stuff for 7000 years is not that wild for me. if you live that long youre just Going to be involved in some shit, and she didnt even have other immortals with her as positive community influences, she literally just did whatever the fuck she wanted for thousands of years

'i was worshipped as a god once' i mean, yeah no shit she wouldve been involved in some seriously fucked up stuff, gods were fucking scary back in the day

tldr it could use some polish but it wasnt that bad

tho everything people said about moose being boring was unfortunately a little true. sorry king i tried to be interested in you

joe and nicky writing verbal fanfiction about nile and moose was iconic. 'you seeing that?' 'i am definitely seeing that'

it was also extremely funny bc that was like 60% of their contribution to the whole comic, besides kidnapping copley. they came, they wrote some fanfic, they left. kings. at least in tog1 they had an excuse to be useless bc they got kidnapped

joe just found out his old friend who he thought was dead is alive (and also probably wants to murder them) and instead of investigating with andy he stopped to help nile up. champ.

nicky shooting noriko through andy was cool. rip to the concept since it wont happen in tog2

wanna see mr ejiofor deliver this line

on that note imo copley was. weirdly enough, more interesting in fm than in tog1. to me at least. the fact that andy let him live and he was so haunted by what had happened that he came back and sought them out despite knowing they would likely kill him for it bc he wanted to not only make up for what hed done but also to tell them what theyd done for the world was admittedly more interesting than andy just kind of drafting him to the cause and him going 'okie'

i like how nicky was drawn in this one. in opening fire he looks like a blob man but in fm he looks more like a very nice grampa with a very good dye job

'theres no pain like a broken heart' andy 🥺

noriko implying andy's never drowned. .. .idk about that one, she musta drowned sometime

joe and nicky came, they waxed poetic about nile's love life, they waxed poetic about grog, and then they left.

sports bras being a reason humanity is good. i mean..... okay, yeah.

i mean. wild but you cant exactly tell her shes wrong

i liked how noriko telling andy that their purpose is to make people suffer coincides with joe and nicky finding out that they actually did good all those years

joenicky in opening fire: jail for booker jail for booker for 100 years

joenicky when copley tells them he knows where booker is: WE'LL KILL YOU WHERE IS HE

joenicky when copley comes back: if your vibes come off as even remotely rancid we Will destroy you

joenicky 2 minutes later when copley helped them find booker: he made up some ground :)))) <3 lov you j cops

theyre forgiving af

moose: how old are you?? a hundred??? a thousand???

nile [vine voice]: I M 2 7 ?

alright andy you got me there

joe texts like my aunt

i dont know why noriko drowning andy in that car tickled me. Bad And Naughty Andromaches Get Put In The Pear Wiggler To Atone For Their Crimes.

the drowning sequence was cool

copley trying to talk to andy while she was like o_o at him was great

ive hit the picture limit but id seen that panel where nicky goes 'forgive me' as he kills a guy out of context and it was HILARIOUSLY anticlimactic for me to discover that there was literally no context to it. nicky just apologizes to random people he kills. i thought that guy was someone he knew or something. nope its just Some Guy that nicky didnt know from adam

nile's complaint that andy was especially brutal to the guys on the boat... i mean. . , how exactly does one kill a man with an axe and not be brutal about it?

it was funny how noriko kissed andy and the only people who seemed surprised by that were nile and also andy

nicky and joe's complete non-reaction to finding out noriko is alive And Evil Now is endlesly funny. they just left her on that boat and neither cared. i get book and nile not caring but joe and nicky knew her, and they just have 0 input on the subject of what to do with her

pinstripe suit guy!

joe and nicky and booker packing up and leaving with nile

andy blowing up at nile was A Moment tho

i dont know, i get why people didnt like the ending but its. .. . it makes more sense in the comicverse. bc the squad doesnt really. .. interact outside of jobs? i mean, think of the moon landing story in ttt. that was booker and joe and nicky doing a job and andy only showed up a for a couple minutes after it was done. or the brunch in the first issue of opening fire. the squad arent as tight in the comic, and andy often seems to do her own thing outside of work, so andy saying 'i dont want to do work anymore' and the squad being like 'alright bye then' makes more sense in this universe than the movie one

also i feel like greg was Trying to set up a thing where nile becomes the Leader of The Squad after andy dies but like. its not very well done since. . . i mean, nile hasnt spoken to booker since opening fire, (and she only knew him A Day). and shes known joe and nicky all that time, but there isnt really anything that indicates that they have any relationship at all, much less one that's grown. in all the comicverse the only time nile and nicky speak is in FM, and in that scene nicky tells nile about noriko. nile goes from someone who needs to be set aside to have background knowledge explained to her to being the Leader of the group with nothing in between. it kind of... comes out of nowhere.

on the other hand tho... i felt really bad for andy thru the whole thing. well, i always felt bad for andy, but in this one she seemed so miserable, especially since it really felt like none of the others actually.... cared about her. when noriko came back no one asked andy how she was doing (big question ik, but it wouldve showed they cared at least), nobody ever expressed any concern for her, no one even really seemed to want to be around her. in opening fire everyone was more distant than in the movie of course, but there were little moments where she would joke with joe, or nicky would try and comfort her, or stuff like that, but in FM it really felt like they just didnt really care about her. & in opening fire it felt a lot like andy's relationship with nile breathed some new life into her, but in FM it felt like all they did was argue. i get theyre not *as* close in the comics but it really felt like the only person who cared about andy at all was noriko (which was probably also how andy felt) but it just seemed to come out of nowhere. honestly i was reading and i was honestly agreeing with andy that she might just be better off if she did just die. opening fire, on the other hand, never make me feel that way

tho everyone made it sound like when the squad split up it was one of those cursed 'the found family leaves each other at the end of the journey' tropes. but guys i mean,,, this is the second installment out of three. that isnt the End. theyll come back in the third one and Dramatically Reunite to fight some baddies (probably those 'others' noriko mentioned). im guessing yitzhak fits into that too somehow.

anyways it wasnt That Bad but it made me kind of sad and the only Sweet Found Family vibes in it were when they saved booker. also they shouldve beefed up that nilemoose romance, it underwhelmed me. 6.5/10

i also ABSOLUTELY understand all of greg's comments about how you couldnt make FM directly into a movie, he always said that it had no plot and. i get it now. it really didnt have a plot sdfghjkl

[am-artist]

the wilds recap review s2 e6

making me look at gretchen playing candy crush is a war crime i do not care about her loss of control plot everyone involved in her operation is a moron & the inevitable splintering is not interesting

yay ivan content. glad he has someone back home. i hope he has a storyline beyond this tho. esp w the social media addiction thing.

leah & rachel always fun. glad they’re having real talks even briefly.

ivan is a great talker bc he always sounds like hes delivering theatre lines. ‘smite’. love that.

i feel for him bc he always has to decide whether to shut his mouth at the expense of his principles or speak up and be labeled the woke buzzkill, but his integrity even in the dire situation they’re all in is admirable.

smh kirin your nun joke was not good enough to justify cutting henry’s climate change tirade off fuck you

ivan and kirin have ironically similar flaws in assuming they know whats best for people / that their big picture is more impt than other people’s discomfort. thinking abt this re josh’s situation. but also apparently re ivans boyfriend & the social media stuff. altho naturally ivans big picture is one of fighting intolerance on many exhausting fronts and kirins is more thoughtless big man masculinity.

kirin is doing carly rae jepsen covers im sorry ik this is meant to be a homoerotic vaguely homophobic mess this man is clearly on gay twitter somewhere.

the guys just blindly hunting seth down… in character. kirin and ivan both being intensely stubborn about this… also in character. the way they handle it… bad

oh josh… fucking great role model kirin thanks for that. not that i dont support kicking the shit out of the guy who assaulted you but i would have really liked for josh not to take the lesson of masculine dominance bullshit from this bc it is just going to eat him up further in the long run.

rachel is so fucking cute!!

fatin and leah have such inherent friction. fun.

i like the divisions in the boy group ig. for all the posturing most of them are very uncomfortable w the violence kirin is selling as the one answer. and ivan knowing very clearly that things are unravelling but not sure in what direction to move is very understandable.

kirins obv going to have some deep backstory w the blackface coach which is an annoying way for things to go.

i somehow forgot/missed it had been ten days since the exile! def recontextualises the whole thing.

seth’s reaction makes this whole thing so much worse. if he could just be wracked with guilt instead of faking innocence or idk it wouldnt be so gratingly unpleasant to deal with. but hes so caught up in his perception of himself as nice guy that hes in denial and wants to reaffirm this false reality rather than own up to it.

toni and martha <3 glad toni gets her non-shelby gf plotlines too.

the guy camp splitting it up is such a mess. josh is entitled to feel whatever he wants but kirin domineering over the group w his black and white posturing mindset means they cant even have a proper convo about the implications of the constant exiling. does any of them actually want to condemn seth to die? even if they do, what about raf? if they just managed to talk about it they would be able to find some compromise but instead the group will keep fissuring forever.

ivan and kirin’s pre island storyline is interesting but (similar qualms as in season 1) i dont love the optics of the gay black kid being framed as the ‘bullying’ force in this situation etc etc idk just the way it’s done feels weird to me. i know they have luc as the contrast guy but i just think they could have set things up with some more grace... i wonder what the writer’s room looked like.

henry </33. i love that he talks to ivan about it tho.

i do enjoy kirin and ivan talking always. i just wish they could put their little heads together and make things work bc theyd run a pretty decent ship if they did.

martha <///3. i do love that they show her finally having some breakthrough conflict with the constant hunting. & i love that toni just holds her when they find her, despite the brutal rabbit murdering.

sidenote: leah’s turmoils are so hard to watch bc she is in fact right in her suspicions but she feels insane.

[twopoppies]

hi gina! i hope u're having a good day today!! and i hope its not a bother that im abt to go on a small rant - tad bit annoyed is all

got to school today(im 18 turned a few months ago actually, i waited a few months to follow the 18+ rule!!) anyway i ended up roped into a conversation abt harry, and for some background: at my school we have a hotties wall in the yr 12 common space/room/area and basically it just has a bunch of ppl on there who we(yr12s) think are hot and its fun and cute and ppl just stick photos up there of ppl they think are hot

harrys on there which makes perfect sense (so is louis lol multiple times each ;) )

but the convo i got roped into basically involved holivia and it started with us discussing how hot harry was and somehow turned into omg holivia is so cute nd when that happened i laughed bc i cant keep my mouth shut ugh but i ended up just trying to casually be like ye i dont believe it bc how tf did the paps find them on a yacht in the middle of the god damn ocean yk? and i like let it in there that i didnt believe in most celebrity relationships especially if they were this public bc that just makes it obvs they're being used to promote smth etc etc. and almost everyone there was like oh ye that makes sense (there were abt 6-8 ppl total actively participating in the convo but like alot more around us)

anyway for the most part most ppl were agreeing with me and were talking abt how it makes sense - someone even bought up dwd and was like it would make sense they have a movie to promote

but there was this one girl who took it upon herself to say that she thinks im speaking gibberish bc wtf do ik abt the paps and what the hell do ik abt hollywood and ofc harry's dating olivia bc he looks so in love and hes dancing with her and they're so romantic and why would he kiss her if he didnt want to he could've just stood there on the yacht or smth along those lines? idk gina she said smth incredibly stupid as an explanation for him kissing her it made 0 sense but girl just went off and then she said smth along the lines of "just because he wears dresses and paints his nails doesnt mean hes a faggot" and i-

no one even bought that up??? like she fully just? for no reason? out of nowhere? it was so quiet and i didnt even know what to say but the worst thing abt what she said was 1. her tone she sounded so genuinely disgusted at the idea and 2. the fact that im out, she knows im gay and she just fully said that to my face and she is so lucky the bell went off for class i swear to god i wanted to throw hands at her

at the same time i lowkey feel so defeated, like what on earth is wrong with her? that wasnt even part of the conversation, i didnt even mention his sexuality as a reason for him not being with olivia!! no one did!! it was never bought up!! and she just out of nowhere bought it up??

anyway sorry for the rant gina i hope u're doing alright and that u're days been better than mine lots of love 💖

Oh, love. I'm so sorry. That's such a shitty thing to experience. I guess, at least, now you see what sort of person she really is. It does go to show how there are absolutely people who only like Harry (or Louis, or whomever) if they fit their fantasy. The fact that she clearly wouldn't be a fan if he were queer is her loss, but it's sad fucking commentary on the state of the world.

By the way though, try not to feel defeated because you clearly opened people's eyes to the idea that PR romances do exist. That's a huge step in dispelling any of the bullshit around Harry (and really any celebrity).

Sending you a hug. I wish someone had told that girl to STFU.

[starkissr]

idk why

ppl want to be fake friends like i’d rather have real friends or no friends but i don’t get why ??? ppl rly wanna try n be my fake friend like no listen i’m sorry but i can’t be ur friend on the day u feel lonely n a stranger when ur thriving and omg!!!! this one rly just told me my expectations are too high bc get this! i asked her to consider me like o ok lol so you’re rly telling me in ur twisted idea of a friend I’m not allowed to expect u to care abt me like isn’t that only the literal definition of a friend my mistake??? bc i totally get having no expectations of ppl and all that but at the end of the day when ur then best friend decides to ignore ur existence then come back into ur life whenever they feel like it? like my problem isn’t that ur trying to come back into my life i’m open to whatever ok but when u can’t have consistent intentions to be a good friend u auto = fake aka nobody ???? i GET that ppl mess up obv i’m not perfect either but it’s just admitting that and actually understanding where u went wrong n at least making an honest effort of not doing it again that is SO CRUCIAL

wow wow wojeofiae and like it’s just soooo funny when ur pride is the fucking reason we’re not friends??? like if ur ego is what’s holding u back i rly don’t need someone so easily swayed by that bs in my life? so no i’m not gonna try or give a fuck abt u if ur idea of a friend is not aligned w mine like and if it isn’t that’s fine we don’t have to be friends uk but like idk it sucks tbh bc i’ve been sooo transparent abt how ur lack of words/actions hurt me so bad so u literally know but don’t do anything w this knowledge??? n still wanna try and talk to me like we’re friends after?? fuck no

it’s sad that 2 of my absolute best friends did this to me in diff ways but like this is the underlying pattern n it just hurts so bad when the person ur the closest to in the world and has learned the most abt u and has been thru sooo many ups and downs just one day decides that ur not important to them anymore uk??? like and when they come back later bc of c that’s what they always fucking do! they expect it to be like the old days and make u feel like ur fucking crazy for being hurt when they literally just left u in the dark. it was so painful to grieve thru that period without u bc i had to feel what it was like when u turned ur back on me and yes it was v fucking cold bc when i was ur friend it was all sunny days n that was a stark contrast but 

also these past few days rly just make me wanna ask u why tf are u so fucking bipolar and a passive aggressive cunt to me one second and talking to me in ur bubbly tone like im ur friend legitimately 2 seconds later bc oh u just remembered u can use me for this thing or that??? i’ve literally never met an angrier or immature person? like ok obv i’m just off one on this rant so i’m gonna explain just how this girl tried me today! so she’s my roommate n keep in mind like i have told her explicitly my problem w her is that she hurt me when she didn’t communicate w me n went mia like i said this multiple times so no guess work needed n anyway today i was playing music in our room and guess what this girl does!!! puts her music on louder than mine! at first i was like?????????????? literally what? LIKE DID U RLY!!!!!!!!! JUST DO THAT LOL it was rly too much for u to tell me u wanted to play ur music???? i was honestly amazed and was like ok like obv this just sounds like shit at this pt n tbh all i wanted to do was just ask u why u felt that u didn’t want to tell me u wanted to play ur music? but then i checked myself and remembered ur words that i am expecting too much of u when i ask why u don’t care to communicate certain things so i guess it’s too much to ask u this too so like what now? n i just turned my music off after this internal resolution that u literally told me i can’t expect anything from u aka i can’t ever expect u to show up for me so like who is someone to u that is there one day and not the next?? like a relationship needs a degree of stable commitment and if i can never count on u why would i want to waste my time waiting on u to fuck up / my breath for calling u my friend? 

the ppl i’m lucky enough to call my friends are ppl that i’m inspired by and i’m not saying ur an ugly person like obv u have parts of u that are so beautiful and that’s who i saw in u before but like if u keep showing me how ugly u can be don’t blame me if u singlehandedly broke my trust in u ??? AND ANYWAY LOL if ur reading this still the CHERRY on top of it all and what actually got me fucking mad is this !!!! girl!!!! asked me for a bandaid a breath after i turned my music off. like. o. ... .m. . . m. g. i just honestly couldn’t believe it n w her cheery ass tone like this is what i’m talking abt how u only matter to them when they need u!!! i was debating asking her abt the music thing now that she decided i was worth speaking to but literally it just wasn’t worth it to hear another one of ur excuses??? i would’ve loved to see what u would’ve twisted out of that situation tbh but i was also like ok like i don’t wanna help u bc ur a cunt but then i was like uk what! she wins if i’m a bitter person bc of her by telling her no so i let her have my stupid bandaid but talk to me like we’re friends one more time and i swear to fucking god !!!!! i won’t be so silent 

n my friends are like r u gonna be friends w her after n i’m like ? what friend treats a friend like this ????????? like real q? this is not a friend. why would i say yeah i’ll be friends w her just to make her happy? no bitch my one requirement to be my friend is to act like a fucking friend and if u tell me that’s expecting too much of u like ok but u have to understand! this is my definition of a friend i can’t be ur friend then ! stop half ass trying!!!!!! either leave me tf alone or the moment u choose to decide (and actually act like) u wanna be real to me is when i consider u my friend again uk!! i’m not gonna hold ur shit over ur head but idk i feel like it’s bc they think that i will that they don’t try or honestly i don’t know their reason why but all i do know is there’s a blatant discrepancy between their words and their actions. for both of them but like the one who did this to me first even apologized to me and like i honestly rly appreciated that like it was only! a year and a half late lol but still i was happy but then they went ahead and did them and i haven’t heard of them since! like ok COOL so u just wanted to say we’re friends then go away again like that’s what i’m saying i don’t get it why do ppl want to be fake friends? what’s the pt????????? wow ok these are just the questions that i’m asking myself rn it like tears me apart that the ppl who know me best can’t bother to act like my friend when they wanna still have the perks of calling me a friend ! literally if any of them were to hit me up and put an attempt that lasts o idk beyond a single day to be my friend then i’m down i’m there but don’t fucking tell me i have high expectations for thinking ur my friend yeah obv i’m rly frustrated at everyone for complicating everything like clearly i care so much abt these ppl and that’s why i’m hell bent on trying to make myself feel ok for not taking them back bc as much as i love them i have self respect and literally it would just become an emotionally abusive relationship if i try to engage in a friendship where the friend would just let me down every day like i already have my own shit i’m dealing w why tf would i want to put myself thru unnecessary pain?

like everyone knows when ur being genuine or not. the recent one gave me a fake apology and it was so clear it was fake and last night she even admitted that it was n that she doesn’t think she needs to apologize and like i’m just like ......... so let’s just say i forgot that u can’t stick to ur word ok.... did u rly just have to remind me again?! this is what i’m talking abt it’s just painful and i can’t be ur friend if u can’t be real w me ok that’s all if anyone wants to be a human w me say hi like i rly don’t think anyone reads this so i was gonna delete my tumblr so long ago bc like whats the pt if no one sees u but then i realized how fucking cool that is and how liberating it is to just like put ur thoughts out into the interweb like journal writing is cool n all but on the off chance someone other than me does happen to see this then hi ur only looking at my deepest thoughts so i might as well know who u r lol but like if not (prob) then that’s ok i’ll just lol at myself when i reread this later! as stressful as this is like omg i’m graduating next week and i won’t have these kinda petty problems anymore and like that’s cool when that happens but idk i’m just not ready to grad f m u so ik as like annoying as this is and as stressed as i am abt my classes and assignments and finals and the future i’m eternally grateful for my education n like that’s why i don’t wanna leave! it’s the little things like tn i was at a coffee shop studying w friends n in the car ride back me n one of them were talking abt that one cute barista like he doesn’t matter but having someone to just say whatever the fuck u want w n confide in! it’s these little pleasures that i just love so much!!! n like i didn’t even notice but my friend brought to my attn like how he was acting kinda dumbstruck when he was talking to us n i was like lol fuck ur right that’s fucking hilarious n i had a new thing to laugh abt that i wouldn’t have if i had experienced it alone uk! like talking is literally what allows a relationship to flourish so w these 2 ppl where they just don’t communicate w me like that sounds like such a small flaw but the reason why it’s such a problem is that it literally stunts the friendships growth! how can we connect and etc if u can’t share what’s rly going on w me??????? or like why do u feel u don’t need to talk abt the truth?????? but ya as i was saying lol it’s ok i’ll just have to grind until i can get into my next school (hopefully, someone take me pls lol sos) but ya idk i suffer a lot during school but tbh it’s my fav ever so i’m so sad i’m graduating!!!!!! but like the only thing that’s making it ok is bc all of us are saying the same thing and it’s comforting that even tho we all dk what the fuck is going on i’m not the only one 

so mostly sad bc i’m gonna miss my real friends here soooooooo much like w all my heart omg nothing will be the same again and i’m not ready! i’ll miss being seconds away and the fact that i can go over or call them like hoe get ready bc we’re going to the beach that’s down the street!!!! at my parents place the beach is half an hour away and i was in love but u had to drive like an extra 15-30 min to get to even nicer beaches n bruh let me tell u i rly did myself right by going to a school an actual 5 seconds away from the beach and granted besides us students it’s a rich white conservative person area but still it’s in a cute n clean area?? omg like this is just as good as it gets uk??? so ya blessed to be stressed 

!?!?@#