#ik I could just apply to other places and make my decision later

[nursey-patrol]

I 😊 am 😊 freaking 😊 out 😊

[sapphicwhxre]

tiny pansy rant, cut short so it’s *hopefully* not too long:

i. wanted. to. see. her. change! and in my opinion the reason she never got the chance was because jkr used her character to make fun of people she disliked :/

pretty much all the other noteable slytherins had some sort of redemption arc,, and yeah they’re still mostly problematic people but they got chances: snape, draco, narcissa, regulus, slughorn, leta and technically andromeda? you get the point i just—

like miss ma’am decided to make pansy,, the like slytherin stereotype? and have her want to betray harry? she was seventeen ffs, not bellatrix lestrange. she was in the middle of a war? in my personal opinion i don’t think that she wanted to hand harry over out of cruelty like. it’s possible? but maybe she was just scared? also don’t we know that pansy was terrified at the thought of like. voldemort coming to hogwarts? again: everyone expects all of the children in harry potter to be these selfless brave individuals,, they’re kids :( yes ik it’s ya fantasy but cmon. they were supposed to be stressed about the N.E.W.T exams not the upheaval of their society?

and don’t get me wrong i know that she was. not a good person. she was a bitchy teenage bully who was taught hateful views. but i wanted to see her change even a little– even draco marries someone who presumably teaches him how to treat people equally? like. there was so much room for change: she was a prefect, she was capable of some kindness seeing as she liked draco, or alternatively, we could’ve seen her break away from draco and potentially stop hating harry/all his friends quite so much or develop her own opinions. or maybe her group of friends that she used for validation throughout her school years was uprooted during the war and she had to learn that independency? or her pointing out harry could’ve been turned into trying to be selfless, like she thought they’d be safe that way, or she returned later fighting with reinforcements to show she was on Hogwarts’ side. jkr is always like "well they technically came back to fight, if you squint » but that’s not enough. also? let’s say we did get a glimpse of her during the actual battle: there could’ve been anything, the smallest scene, that showed some sort of support or reconciliation or something between her and hermione, considering how hermione was often pansy’s target. everybody wants to see forgiveness between draco and harry because of minor events/details (i dislike drarry but that’s besides the point), but imagine what could’ve changed with some semblance of apology or assistance from pansy to hermione. there were so many chances for r*wling to give her a smallest redemption

but instead we got her characterized as evil and a stupid, cowardly traitor. she the only person we ever see her care for marries her friends younger sister. she’s the written depiction of jkr’s bitterness and her arc is jkr’s vengeance.

also, another reason that i’m so mad she got nothing is because of the whole slytherin=evil thing. she’s made into a stereotype of a “slytherin”— cruel, selfish, shallow, ugly, and asinine. (also i could rant about slytherin forever, but can we just mention that jkr consistently refers to slytherins as physically ugly and just how fucked up that is? i– wtf). but anyway: to give pansy a chance to change is to give the slytherin house a chance to change its reputation. trying to justify that the slytherin house got its redemption because of the actions of ppl like snape or regulus, etc isn’t possible. because all of those “slytherin heroes” were described again and again as being “different from all the other slytherins”. they set themselves apart by being decent. they weren’t normal slytherins, no, they were set apart, they were brave and smart and kind— not evil. there’s no redemption to be found there. i wish jkr would just fucking say that being sorted into slytherin was being made into a villain. she dodged around it with rhetorical questions and pointing out how not All of them are bad,, and then will go on to mock the other slytherins and talk about how the heroes were Not Like The Other Snakes... again: there’s no redemption of slytherin as a house, as a quality, as a concept there. it’s just the redemption of an individual.

in pansy, however, we could’ve found so much more. like i said, she’s The Average Slytherin: not a hero, not a villain like voldemort. she’s made out to be a depiction of the typical slytherin student, one without a “destiny”, so to speak. and so to give her the chance, to see her change, to have her redefine herself? that would be a starting point for restoring slytherin as a whole (obviously not the best way, and the real best thing to do would be not to make an entire house be the bad guys in the first place, but–) to have someone who’s the figurehead of slytherin (like actually a figurehead,, girl is a even a prefect) show remorse and growth gives the entire house the seed of redemption. it would mean that after over a thousand years there could be peace between the houses. obviously not the only factor in reconciliation but still so important.

and not to just continue to heap on my own issues with it, but look. i know that there are so many other ways to introduce “mundane” antagonists without making them a symbol of anything. pansy could’ve been a bitch without representing slytherin. also pansy doesn’t have to break character and become kind for amends to be made. they don’t even have to be fully made, just started. but jkr chose to:

a.) go with bullying as a minor antagonistic element

b.) create and develop a character around that theme

c.) make this character only based on her own negative personal experiences

d.) turn that character into a representation of a much larger group of people

e.) deny that character any final moment that could begin to make amends for her actions and instead, chooses to make her “defining” moment an act of evil and cowardice

f.) either neglects the character or chooses plot points that would humiliate the character in all the glimpses of the future we are shown (ex. how dracos marriage is)

g.) openly mocks and insults the character repeatedly and never directly comes out and proves she didn’t write slytherins as evil

h.) to the best of my knowledge, ignores that pansy personifing slytherin, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and then characterizing both as “bad” and not giving them a chance to grow, is a summary of her thoughts on slytherin ls and is a possible interpretation of the text (i mean her opinions are already TRASH)

i. ignores the consequences of this or the possible effect it has on her entire fanbase and doesn’t seek to remedy it

but yeah, jkr, it was such a good idea to base a character off of your loathesone memories, take your anger out on her, and that choose to have that character partially represent a large percentage of your fanbase. thank you sooooo much. i really appreciate it!

summary:

I. Pansy— deserved an opportunity to have some character development. everyone else’s mistakes get overlooked to some degree save hers. had so many places to draw inspiration/opportunity from. could’ve progressed other ideas in the book and the analysis of her house while still remaining a “dislikable” character

II. Writing— from a “technical?” aspect, Pansy is underdeveloped and stagnant, used for personal reasons instead of as a plot device. perpetuates the slytherin=bad idea via a sloppy and repetitive characterization and emblem. there are ways around this that weren’t used.

III. I have no qualifications to be saying any of this lmao. Am I reading to much into it, knowing that Rowling tends to be shitty with writing details? Am I being dramatic and repetitive? probably!

IV. Fuck JKR (for everything. she’s an awful person)

anyways this has been: my mini-rant on pansy and her analysis,,, and i am terribly sorry,, i offer my apologies in advance for randomly dumping this into your inbox. it’s long and opinionated and there’s no real reason behind it! i just thought of it and then thought about it some more and then. here we are

ilysm mwah <3 should’ve definitely done something more productive but shh😭 rat brain hours

this is everything, you're completely right. i don't have much to add but i agree all the way. and people give pansy so much shit for the harry thing but she seemed genuinely scared of voldemort coming back and i really think that she believed he would leave them alone if they gave him up. from her perspective, it's either her and the people she cares about get to live or this guy that she not only isn't close to but probably sees as the bad guy considering she dated/was best friends with draco and witnessed their rivalry from his side. did she make the best decisions? no, not at all but i see her reasons and i don't think it makes her this antichrist that jkr makes her out to be. she pulled the “he's just a boy” with draco and had people sympathise with him when he did so so much worse than pansy did so why doesn't that apply to her? she's a kid. they all are. i love harry, ron, and hermione SO MUCH but jkr really said fuck everyone who isn't them ─ especially any girl who isn't her precious hermione. she projected her own pettiness onto fictional characters who are CHILDREN and proceeded to get upset when people connected to and loved other people that she herself made. creating such an underdeveloped character and expecting people to hate her just because she imagined her as her bully is beyond immature and ridiculous. anyways. jkr take a fucking chill pill and leave my girl alone.

[nonbinaryresource]

ive been thinking abt this for a little while & have been needing to ask someone abt it. i am nb & have always considered myself trans but recently ive not been vibing with the trans label bc i am so sick of seeing ppl exclude & invalidate nb ppl. ik that i shouldnt stop doing smth just bc other ppl r being assholes but its so tiring to see ppl constantly say how u dont belong or arent valid. srry this is long & kinda rambly i just dont really know how to feel abt it

I will directly address your ask, but I’m going to start by telling you a story about my journey with identifying as asexual and queer.

.

When I was about 11, my friends suddenly started drooling over magazines and calling people hot, and I didn’t know what it was, but I knew I did not feel whatever it is my friends were feeling.

Until I was about 16/17, this part of me remained a mystery to me and to my friends. I never had crushes, I never found people hot, I never liked complimenting people physically, I was uncomfortable with sex on TV, and I didn’t even like platonic touch. Now my group of friends were all repressed and closeted queer folk, so I didn’t have to deal with “being left behind” as my friends dated. But the later we got into high school, the more my friends began discovering and exploring their sexualities.  A freshman became a part of our friend group and was openly trans and gay. One friend came out as gay. Another as bi. They started commenting more and more about other’s looks and having crushes.

Still, there was nothing on my end. My friends used to think I was just being vague and secretive because this is what I tended to be like. I don’t think they’ve ever realized how much of it was that I truly didn’t know or understand what my lack of sexual feelings meant or that it could even mean anything. I used to just consider it a “nothingness” of myself. Until, by complete chance, I came across the term asexual. I immediately connected with it. It explained so much that I didn’t even know I needed explained.

I came out quickly after that and I was really excited and happy and proud to know who I was and what how I felt meant. My friends were great and supportive. My mom was a little ignorant but overall supportive. AVEN was great and a community for me. But if I tried to talk about it anywhere else online…

Well, the effects of how people treated me would fester for years. See, I came out as asexual before exclusionism (the specific movement of anti-aro and anti-ace erasure and gatekeeping from lgbt+ spaces) was a movement or a named thing. Yet exclusionist attitudes were exactly what I faced. My queer friends all completely accepted me as one of them and I helped co-run our school’s new GSA with the rest of them. But online, as a teen, I was facing 30+ year olds telling me I wasn’t queer and that I was just trying to seem special and that I needed to shut up about my asexuality and my experiences and that I wasn’t valid and that asexuality wasn’t a real thing and that even if asexuality was a real thing it wasn’t valid and it certainly didn’t matter.

I graduated high school and went to college and was no longer really in touch with my group of friends. I therefore completely cut myself off from any lgbt+/queer community, even though a friend invited me to join the college’s queer association. I stopped participating so much in online asexual spaces. I become wrapped up in other things.

A couple of years went by and a lot of things in my life changed. By chance, mod applications for a blog about aro and ace headcanons for a fandom I enjoyed came across my dash. I had extra time on my hands and thought I could help, so I applied and was accepted. This increased my exposure to the aspec community again and thrust me back in… just around the time exclusionism was becoming a specific and named movement of bigotry.

At the same time I resisted these ideals, I was also still hurt and unhealed from what I’d gone through as a teen. I internalized a lot of the hatred and gatekeeping. I was so hurt and so tired. I just wanted to be able to exist in peace. And people I considered myself one of were harassing me and dismissing even my biromanticism. So I struggled with my identity and my asexuality. I did not specifically become an exclusionist, but I turned my back on the lgbt+ community and spaces. I did not consider myself lgbt+ because I learned that doing so only brought pain and upset and made me feel alone and isolated. I didn’t speak a lot on exclusionism or inclusionism, but at some point I did make a plea to my fellow aspecs to just let the larger community go and be our own community and accept that maybe we could be straight. I did it out of desperation and hurt, wanting to stop feeling targeted and attacked and to stop seeing the fighting on my dash and in the tags. I just wanted us all to be happy and feel accepted and supported.

On that post, one wonderfully kind and patient person opened up a discussion with me, explaining their own hurts over exclusionism and being so damn exhausted of them and fellow aspecs being targeted and excluded and written out and not supported and feeling like they had to split their asexuality from their other queer identities and how being asexual was a part of them and how it had strongly shaped their experiences, especially with realizing and coming to terms with the other parts of their queer identity. And through their raw honesty I came to realize… I had never stopped to process the harassment I had faced and the pain and hurt that cut me so deeply.

It was a changing point for me. I realized that I had handled my pain in a bad way and had ended up lashing out at other aspecs instead of the people who were actually hurting me. I realized how much I had hurt myself and held myself back and cut myself down and dismissed parts of myself trying to fit into the box exclusionists had laid out for me, as if I could ever made them happy enough to stop harassing me and just let me exist. I cut myself down for them, but the truth is that exclusionists don’t just want aspecs “out” of the community. They want to hurt us. They want us to hurt. They want us to doubt ourselves. They want to feel strong and powerful, and they feel they can achieve this through bullying us. Perhaps some, like myself, are trying to appeal to their oppressors by pointing out another vulnerable group they could target more/instead. They are passing on hurt instead of standing up to it and so they are actually festering in hurt instead of changing anything.

Today, I am a staunch inclusionist. I understand myself and the issues aspecs face much better. I am a more compassionate person regarding the confusion and upset aros and aces have over their identity and their place in the world. I feel more stable and confident regarding my identity as an asexual - and now as an aromantic - queer person who is lgbt+.

But it was a long, hard, difficult journey to get here. It was full of a lot of turmoil. I wish I would have had a happier journey where I felt more supported and accepted, and I hope I can help provide more stability and support for future generations to not have to go through what I did.

.

My point (or one among a few, anyway) is that I deeply and personally understand how you are feeling and the decision facing you now. As someone who went through a very similar experience, my advice to you is to take care of yourself and to prioritize your mental health.

It’s okay if you can’t handle identifying as trans right now. Maybe you do need some space from the label (and definitely from the hatred and gatekeeping). Maybe you need to pull back from certain communities or blogs or discussions.

However, I will say that not identifying as trans may not bring the peace you desire. It may end up making you feel even more isolated. Not identifying as LGBT+ certainly didn’t help me. It was reactionary and it only made me feel like there were less spaces for me. That said, you may find peace in this. But I think the bigger action to take is to separate yourself from those who are saying harmful things more than to separate yourself from a label you feel really suits you. Use your block button liberally. Don’t force yourself to partake in spaces where gatekeeping is allowed or encouraged. Follow and listen to more people who are inclusive.

I think burnout like this is unfortunately pretty common. You do not have to force yourself to face this hatred or exhaustion because you think it’s the right thing to do. It’s okay to pull back and just take care of yourself. Just work on some self-care. Work on building up a community of people around you who don’t resort to bigotry and hatred and exorsexism and gatekeeping and identity policing. Engage only with what you can actually, honestly handle.

We will confront and move past this bigotry only by acting as a united front. The responsibility for improving things isn’t on any one person’s shoulders. And no one needs to be on the front lines 100% of the time, especially at the cost of their own wellbeing. Take care of yourself and rest now before you completely burn out and break down.

You do not have anything to prove, okay? I have both hope and faith that there is a lot more to your journey - a lot more good things and a lot more happiness and belonging. Take whatever time it is you need to help heal yourself and recover from the hurt and harassment that’s been plaguing you. You are important and you matter, much moreso than whatever label you use at whatever point in time. It will be okay.

I am here for you.

~Pluto

[southparksimulation]

The SIM-ulation

Just what is the South Park Sim-ulation?

Simply put, it’s a painstaking reconstruction of the town of South Park forged in the world of The Sims 3. TONS of effort went into its creation, which took literal weeks to complete. The simulation is mostly left to its own devices to see just how well it mimics the show it was based upon, which has lead to more than it’s fair share of ridiculous results. 

So brace yourselves for the full explanation of just how this project was created!

Obviously, it would’ve taken me far too long to make absolutely everyone and everything from the show down to the tiniest detail, so I had to cut some corners here and there. For instance; all the houses besides the player characters house, Token’s house, and the Chef house were all the same generic model that mimics the average home in the south park universe. I did take the time to make them different colors, though, haha. 

To start out, I had to handmake all the adults for every family I chose to include. The households created included Marsh, Broflovski, Cartman, McCormick, Stotch, Tweak, Donovan, Tucker, Black, Stoley, Testaburger, and Stevens. To do this, I used the actual character designs to sculpt the faces. For instance; some of the characters have more prominent eyebrows, longer noses, or rounder faces. All of these physical characteristics were translated to the best of my ability into the 3-d models. Hair was a real sticking point, since there were some styles that I simply couldn’t mimic well. So I was forced to make some adjustments here and there. The outfits were a pain, too, since I was trying very hard not to make them all look identical. Finally, I applied personality traits that I and a group of fellow fans found fitting for the characters in question. For instance; Bebe’s mother has the trait of “stupid”, and Cartmans mother has the trait of “flirty”, etc. 

I polled a group of fellow fans to decide which character I would be following from conception to adulthood. The winner of the poll was Tweek Tweak. So I started the file with Mr and Mrs Tweak. 

After helping them to adjust to their new home, I allowed them to have their child. The game generated the kid based on how I modeled the parents, since there really isn’t a good way to tell the kids apart in the show when they have the same face. I made sure to pick out the appropriate personality traits, though, as well as a fitting hairstyle and outfit. This was even harder for the kids since their options were even more limited. 

Once Tweek grew from a newborn into a full fledged Child, I began generating the other kids. For example; I would select the Marsh household and tell it to generate a “male child” and a “female teenager”. I mostly left the faces alone, since they were again sculpted by using the parents as a template, and so are as close to the real thing as I can hope for. But I gave them fitting hair, personalities, and outfits, and added them to the household. When all the kids were generated, the other families were placed all across the town so the Tweaks could meet and interact with them. 

I also made a house simply called “The Chef House”.  In it, Chef was the only adult. I put four kids with him that didn’t have super defined parents, since I wouldn’t have had to room to include their households and wasn’t willing if I didn’t have a good enough reference. These kids had their faces sculpted by hand, since there were no parents to generate them from. These were Nichole, Scott, Red, and Heidi.  A Goth house was later created as well, putting all the “goth kids” in a single family. They, again, had to be sculpted by hand.  Ike was also sculpted by hand, since he is adopted. But since there was no way to make a “canadian” sim, I just chose the most generic face I could. How else was I supposed to represent little dot eyes? heh.

At this point, I pretty much let the simulation take over. Other than the Tweak’s, I didn’t have direct control over any of the characters running around the town. I did my best to keep an eye on them to see all the shenanigans they got into, and they surprisingly stayed in character! Sometimes to scary levels! I’d catch Kyle and Cartman getting into a heated argument, Stan following Wendy to hang out at a park across the town, even Craig dressing up and playing spaceman! No fooling! It was pretty wild! 

I took TONS of photos to document the insanity. And that’s what you’ll be seeing here!

Eventually, I aged all the kids up to teenagers to keep the simulation going. It was a tough decision, but the children sims are so limited in what they can do. Aging them up allowed them to become even more interesting and in-character. To age them, I used the “Birthday Cake”, which automatically took their child features and reworked them into more teenager-like proportions. I had to rework their hair and clothes by myself, but the faces were always auto-generated by the game. I also got to add a new trait to each, and I was sure to give them what I felt was fitting. Once all the kids including Tweek had been aged to teens (as well as teens like Shelly aged to young adults and toddlers like Ike aged to children) I continued the simulation! 

I took MORE photos! It’s gonna take me a while to share them all! But I kept a save file of the town before the age-up, so I can go back to them being kids at any time! 

I once again used fan polls to decide on any relationships. The poll, unsurprisingly, voted for Tweek to begin a relationship with Craig, which was easy enough since I had control of Tweek. As for the other relationships, they were a tad more difficult. By inviting two characters to a place simultaneously, I could coax certain characters into deeper relationships. This was usually effective, but sometimes the simulation just decided things on its own. Clyde and Bebe hooked up before I even attempted to intervene, and Kyle developed a crush on Heidi on his own. But, following the polls, I did manage to get Token and Nichole to begin dating and even had a large amount of people request I persuade Stan and Kyle together. None of these are permanent. On the next run, I will make a new poll to decide future relationships, so don’t be dissapointed if your ship doesn’t show up on this run! 

Eventually I will age the teens into adults, which will cause them to want to move out on thier own. It will also allow them to officially pair up and marry, hopefully leading to some weird kids of their own! And once I get sick of how its progressing, I just go back to the beginning and pick a different family to follow through their life! 

Side note: it was with a heavy heart that I decided against including characters like Timmy and Jimmy. Sims 3 doesn’t exactly have the option to create people with handicaps, and I felt it wouldnt be right to create them without that option. I apologize. 

So enjoy the wacky adventures created by a SIMulation of everyones favorite little mountain town! I promise the SIM version is just as weird as the show version~!

[royalkillabee-blog]

Forever Queen Bella Part I 

By: Brittany Chisem

Januaury 3, 2017

It was a cold winter day, when I noticed him looking my way. I thought to myself “What is this brother going to say?” He walked over to me as I was approaching my car and he said “Excuse me gorgeous, I couldn’t help to stare because you’re so flawless.” I exploded with laughter and asked him “Is that your pick up line sir?!” He said, “I had to make it rhyme for a woman who is more than a dime.” Lowkey, I thought his rhyming lines was kinda fly even though most women would’ve thought of it to be corny! “What’s your name pretty lady?” “My name is Bella and yours?” “I’m Andre but of course everyone calls me Dre.” “Well it’s nice to meet you Dre but I have to get going.” “Okay gorgeous, would you mind if I get your number so that I can call you and maybe take you out on a date?” Now, usually I don’t give out my number. Instead, I pretend to take theirs and keep it pushing. However, it was something eccentric about Dre that made me want to give him some play. I thought to myself and said “Sure, my number is 272-939-7722.” “Could I call you later?” “Yes, you can call me later.” “Iight, cool ma. It was nice meeting you.” “Nice meeting you too Dre.”

I got in my car and drove to Twan house. I couldn’t help but to think about Dre the whole ride to Twan’s place. Dre had to be at least 6’2”, with white teeth, waves swimming, and skin the color of a cup of dark-chocolate. He even smelled like a Macy’s catalog of the Gucci Guilty cologne. I was so busy thinking about Dre sexy self, that I almost didn’t even hear my phone ringing. I picked up on the last ring and heard a familiar voice on the other end. Hello, I said. “Hi, may I speak with Bella.” “This is she. May I ask whose calling?” “Yeah, it’s me, Dre.” “Oh, hi Dre.” “Bella, I know I literally just left from seeing you at the store, but I wanted to ask if you were free this evening? I’d love to take you out on a date, if that’s cool with you?” I was in awe. I just left the store a good 15-20 minutes ago from meeting him and Dre already wants to take me out. I wanted to say no only because I had been with Twan for three years and I didn’t want to be the one to break up our relationship by cheating. Then I had a quick flash back to the other day when Twan nearly broke my wrist when he tried to take his phone out of my hand to prevent me from reading those text between him and his ex. I quickly replied to Dre with a loud “YES!” He said, “Ok ma. I see that got you hype! Haha! Do you like The Cheesecake Factory?” “I love that place!” “Well it’s a date then. Would you like to meet at my place at 7:30?” “Sure, just send me the address. Oh and in case you’re crazy, I’ll have my father on stand-by!” “Haha, nah ma. I’m good. I just want to show a woman so fine a really good time.” There he goes again with that rhyming but he did sound sexy doing it! “Iight Dre, well I’ll be ready by 7:30.” “I’ll give you until 8:30. You know how y’all women take forever to get ready!”

Just as I was about to reply, my car door had flung open and Twan hopped in. I quickly said “I’ll call you back later!” Then I hung up and locked my screen. Twan looked at me with the evillest look he could give and then he finally asked, “Who were you on the phone with and what tf took you so long to get here?!” “Twan that was my mom calling me and I had to stop by the store to get some gas.” “Yeah right, it better not have been no other nigga or I’m going to kill you and him both.” “Twan, you’re crazy. Anyways, why are we in my car? I thought you were driving? Nah, my car just got dropped off to the shop to get this new chrome paint job plus you know my shit hot in these streets.” I hated when he did this to me. He knew exactly what he was doing when he had me drive almost 30 minutes from my house to his. Usually he picks me up when we go up to VA to make our run but today he wants me to drive. Something smells terribly fishy and I’m going to get to the bottom of it. “You know I hate driving. I’m always down to ride with and for you but why do I have to drive and on top of driving, I have to whip my car?” “Here you go again with all that whining and complaining. I’ll drive your car, damn ok?!” “You know what? How about you get your ex to drive since you care to keep her in your life!” SMACK!!! Just like that Twan’s hand went across my face, hitting me so hard that I felt a tear fall from my eye. Before I could think, I slapped his ass right back. We broke out into a huge Ike and Tina limo fight right in the front seat of my car. He stopped, got out of my car. I was thinking his dumb ass was leaving and going back inside. Instead, he walked over to my side of the car and pulled me and my keys out. He picked me up, locked my car doors and carried me back into his house. I was in shock I just sat there frozen in his arms, low key terrified of what he was about to do next. He flew open the front door and kicked it shut behind him. He threw me on the couch, pulled off his shirt and dropped his pants down. He pulled up my dress and started French kissing me in my mouth while he hands explored every inch of my frame. I couldn’t help but to feel like a weak little girl falling into her daddy’s arm after getting a whopping. I wrapped my legs around him and watched him make his way past my navel. He kissed kitty so good until he tasted all of her honey, that really aroused him. Then he slowly pushed himself inside of me until I felt him in my stomach. I screamed out to our father God, crying while he whispered how much he loved me in my ear. He picks up his pace and I could hear the honey splashing all over him. That drove him crazy! He picked me up and pinned me against the wall filling every inch of him inside of me. I melted in his arms. It was so good, even though how he treated me was so wrong. We screamed out each other’s names as we both released our tension on and in each other. We both fell hard to the floor, panting, trying to catch our breath. I looked him deep in the eye and asked him, “Twan, baby why do you feel the need to lie?” He looked back at me in a way I had never seen, he said “Bella, I lie because I love you and I only want to protect you from being hurt by the truth.” I quickly got up, even though my legs felt like Jello after he put it on me like that. I rushed over to the bathroom and freshened up. Twan started knocking on the door asking me to let him in. Go away Twan! Can I be in peace? Before I knew it, Twan crazy ass done broke through the door, came in trying to get more. Instead of giving in again, I slid past him, grabbed my keys off the couch and rushed to my car. I hopped in and sped off so quick, you would’ve thought the man was trying to kill me. I hit 80 the whole ride home.

Meanwhile, here is Twan blowing up my phone. I ignored his first three calls. By the fourth call, I answered on the fourth ring. “WHAT TWAN?” “Yo Bella, wtf baby. Why did you leave like that? Plus, you know that we got business to handle!” I thought long and hard before I made this final decision to say what I should’ve said three years ago. “Twan, baby you know I love you and I truly appreciate you. However, I really think that we need a break. I’m not saying for us to break up but just to give each other some time and space to think about what it is that we want to do.” “Look Bella, you are MY girl! MY GIRL! I’m the one who got your spoiled ass riding in that A7, living in that nice as penthouse, laced in the newest Chanel, Christian Louboutin, and Prada. Whenever your ass need something, I got you!!!” “See Twan, that’s your problem. You think because you lace me in material things that I’m supposed to allow you to treat me any kind of way. My love doesn’t cost a thing. You can have all of this back if that’s how you feel. Furthermore, I’ve said what I had to say. When you’re ready to make me your wife, then that’s when I will let you back into my life.” “Bel-”

Just like that I hung up the phone on his ass. I loved the hell out of Twan but I Knew our life was not destined for the best. I’ve been having the strangest feeling ever since we made our last run to VA for the work. I just pray that Twan gets out the game before it’s too late.

I finally pulled back up to my house in less than 30 minutes after speeding home from Twan’s house. I was emotionally drained. I snatched off all of my clothes and shoes. I poured a drink of Pineapple Ciroc and rolled me a Bob Marley blunt. I drank and puffed on my blunt, while I thought about why Twan was still in love with his ex and why he felt the need to try to keep me even though he wanted her back. I thought about Twan and that ho ass ex of his for so long that I didn’t even realize a whole hour and a half had gone by. My tub water had become ice cold and my heart felt numb. I drained the water out the tub, let the shower rinse me off before I finished bathing. I dried off and oiled up my entire body with coconut oil. I applied my makeup, curled my hair and slid on my tight red dress that showed off my Triple D breast. The way my booty pocked out the back, would make any man want to take a bite of the peach. I finished getting ready right at 8pm.

I grabbed my keys, purse and phone and started to head out the door, until I noticed Twan standing on the other side waiting for me to come out. My heart began to race and my stomach began to flutter. I thought to myself, “How long has he been out there and why didn’t he use his key?” Then I remembered I changed the locks on his ass after he pulled that stunt at the club with them clatchet hos. I decided to call Twan instead of opening the door, until I realized Twan had sent me 50 text messages and called me 50 times. Plus, Dre had called and text me once. I responded to Dre first telling him that I’d be on my way, then I proceeded to call Twan. “Yo, Bella baby…I’ve called and text you at least 100 times, I’ve knocked on your door and rang the doorbell. Baby, please talk to me….I don’t won’t to lose you let alone break up over the phone.” “Twan, baby my phone was on silent, that’s why I didn’t see you hundred calls and messages and we can talk when I get back home or tomorrow morning at brunch?” “So you’re telling me that you’re not home but you’re car is in the parking lot?” “Uh yes, I do have friends with cars Twan tf?” “Look Bella, I’ll be here to pick you up in the morning at 11. I love you baby and I promise to make it wo---” “I love you too, ok bye.” I hung up the phone so quick on his ass because Dre was beeping in. “Hi, Dre. I just seen your text with the address. I’m on the way.” “Ok gorgeous, I’ll see you soon.”I got in my car and drove to meet Dre. The whole time I was thinking how could I be in love with a drug dealer and catching feelings for another, when I’m interning with the top county  D.A.?

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