#ihatemedicine

[disenchantedmedic]

It's been a while!

Hey guys, It's been a while! Ive just sat and read through every post on this blog and it made me so sad. Not only to remember how low I was back then, but to remember what an absolute shit deal we have as doctors. And it's just getting worse. Doctors are taking their own lives, and I think every single one of us can empathise with someone getting to a place where that seems like the only way out. I read one of my earlier blog entries where I talk about 'thinking how I can break my leg as painlessly as possible in order to get a few weeks off work' - I remember driving into work and wondering what speed I could crash my car, not to die, but to hurt myself enough to get some time off. I remember being envious of sick, unwell patients, because they were laid watching Jeremy Kyle while I was sweating with a million and one jobs to complete. It really was that desperate. When would that escalate to more? I am SO happy where I am right now (I'll come on to that in a bit) , and so to think about those thought processes right now is horrendous. Horrendous that I would consider hurting myself to get out of a situation. A situation I felt trapped in. What's scarier is that every time I've discussed this with another medic, they admit to feeling the same way, on many occasions. It's the feeling of 'there's no way out of this'. We're made to feel trapped. We're all the 'smart kids of the class' who always succeeded. We all worked our arses off, sacrificed huge chunks of our youth to getting the best grades, doing the extracurricular stuff that's needed to get into Med school. But it was ok, you work hard, you get what you want, is what we are told. Then we spent all of those exhausting years at medical school, doing 9am - 6pm lectures, Monday - Friday, when our friends on other courses just had a few hours here and there. But it's ok, we want to be doctors, we need to work hard. Then we moved on to clinical placements and spent our weeks devoted to the hospital, taking every opportunity to learn, going in on weekends, at night, as soon enough we would be there, working, in our dream job... Then before you know it, bam! We are doctors, and it's definitely not all it's cracked up to be... All that time, all that dedication, we need to push through. Right?? I'm unhappy but it would be a huge waste to just quit and do something else. Right? ..... Wrong. Life is complicated. I've done some really cool, really bizarre things over the last year or so, that I will talk about in following blogs, and these things have really made me realise this. It is so so complicated. And we aren't prepared for this. At school and throughout our education, having a good stable job is put up there as one of the most important things to achieve. Having a big house, a nice car, a family with a dog and 2.5 kids (or whatever the saying is!) will bring us all the happiness we need. It's "that simple"! And we were always pretty confident that our efforts of getting to where we now are, these high flying successful doctors, would secure this for us. I mean we're doctors! People sound so impressed when you tell them this, we must be so rich and have amazing holidays and lovely big houses... We must be so happy right?! If you are anything like me, you will have gotten to a point, maybe mid F1, where you really started to realise that money and material objects do not bring happiness. This job, this job stability, definitely does not bring happiness. I remember being offered £1000 to work a weekend that the hospital was really short staffed for, and I remember thinking no amount of money could get me to stay in that hospital for a second longer than I had to. When you have no time, time becomes priceless. I didn't want more money, I wanted more time. A weekend, out of the hospital, to do things that you enjoy, with the people you love, really has no price. For me, no amount of money could get me to do an extra on call weekend. And I think many of you are the same. So, if we aren't doing this for the money, what are we doing it for? This was the question I really started to ask myself... I always wanted to make a difference, I enjoyed the challenge being a doctor presented; I like applying the physiology and pathology I've learnt to real life scenarios, and seeing people get well is the most rewarding situation. The moment a family thanks you, sincerely, for helping their relative, well, you really can't describe that to anyone who hasn't experienced it, and as rare as 'thanks' are, they really do make you remember why you are doing what you are doing. I started to note good and bad days, simply using a tally chart. And I would recommend this to everyone struggling with their career choice right now. Just to see the reality of the situation. It's easy to let a bad situation cloud your judgement and forget about all the good points... Well, for me the tally chart made up my mind, of 100 days at work, I had 88 bad and 12 good. Could I really justify what I was going through for a 12% chance my day wouldn't be horrendous? No chance! Something had to change. So I took a step out of training, and that's where my last posts left off. I made sure I finished F2. I know it's not easy for everyone, but It's worth getting to the end of, as it gives you the freedom, and safety net, of knowing you can go back to training whenever you want, should you want. I'm now approaching "F5" as I like to call it, and I can honestly say it was the best decision of my life. I've blabbed on a while now, I'm currently in San Diego about to go out for margaritas and chill by the beach (for real!) but I'll write another blog post tomorrow about everything I've been up to and why it's working amazingly for me!

[epicrealistyoutube]

Sure, #claritin. I bet there are. Does that include the ones that we are being sprayed with daily? 🙄😑 #bigpharma #allergies #medicine #allergymedicine #ihatemedicine #200allergens #spring #hayfever #chemtrails 😤😤😤

[imjustajinx]

IHATEMEDICINE

[rangergirl3]

PTSD: Okay, so you know how you thought you weren’t going to have full-on traumatic flashbacks?

Me: ...yes...

PTSD: Well guess what

Me: That’s it. It’s official. I hate you so much right now. 

PTSD: But this is a process

Me: Well, it’s a highly unpleasant one

PTSD: Ummmm sorry

Me: *quoting Zuko* No, you’re not

PTSD: Ah, still quoting movies to get through the day, I see

Me: *dryly* I’m just a guy with a boomerang, I didn’t ask for all this flying, and magic - 

PTSD: Well while we’re on the subject, how about some medication to make this process less...you know. Unpleasant.

Me: Fine, fine, fine. *grumble grumble Ihatemedicine grumble butIamgladIcantakesomething grumble grumble growl*

I probably shouldn’t treat this development so lightly, but honestly, I’ve been trying to poke fun at the shadows for so long it’s second nature to me now. Then again, I tend to be something of a hypocrite. I’m fine with laughing at my own issues, but I get really pissed if I see anybody laughing at someone’s else’s issues. 

Basically the enlightening conversation went like this:

Me: I feel so stupid for having this issue

My friend: But - but - but you don’t blame me for having this same issue

Me: Of course not! You didn’t do anything wro- oh.

My friend: Ranger, you’ve got to be nicer to yourself.

Me: But I don’t want to. I mean *awkward cough* I thought I was.

My friend: Look, Ranger, allow me to use a metaphor.

Me: ...uh...okay...

My friend: You have a very - warped - view of how much you should be able to take compared to other people.

Me: Um. How, exactly?

My friend: You would consider someone getting hurt as bad, right?

Me: *indignantly* Of course I would! 

My friend: But you would consider yourself getting hurt - for example, let’s say, shot - as an inconvenience.

Me: *waves hand airily* It would all depend on where the bullet hits. I’d probably be fine. I’m really tough. 

My friend: See, that’s what I mean. YOU WOULD GET STILL GET SHOT. 

Me: Yeeeess but -

My friend: RANGER THAT’S NOT OKAY - YOU SHOULD NOT BE OKAY WITH THAT 

Me: Oh. Um. Right. Well, when you put it that way...

My friend: Sweet Jesus give me strength we have got to work on your self-care

Me: I do, but...you know. Mostly. It’s not like I actually hate myself, I’m just...veering towards indifference. On the bad days.

My friend: *starts bringing over chocolate and favorite movies* Well, we are going to fix that. 

Me: Well, if you make me.

Seriously, guys, I’m fine, but geez, life is sort of nuts right now.

[witzelsacare-blog]

Too much exposure to heat while in beach makes me sick and since i hate to drink meds i did try to make my own ginger tea for my sorethroat natural and safe meds #gingertea #naturalmeds #ihatemedicines

[disenchantedmedic]

Death

As a doctor, death is something we become very comfortable with. People die everyday, we learn to offer our condolences and then walk away. Continuing our day like nothing has happened. We do this because to take on the grief of the 100s of families we encounter who have lost a loved one, would be unbearable. I finished a night shift this morning and we was waiting for the day reg to arrive for handover, after a good half an hour people were getting frustrated. We eventually found out that he had died in his sleep... Literally. I was so shocked and upset, this poor man. He'd gone to sleep thinking "fucks sake I'm on call tomorrow", and that was his last thought... Imagine. My biggest horror came when the other reg joked that she now had no one to swap a weekend with that she needs off for her brothers wedding... WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! A poor man has lost his life and your first thought is of yourself??? I've never known anything like it. I know that medics can be a bit weird, and socially they forget what is ok and what is not, but for life to be so fickle to the point that a colleague can pass away and no one really blinks an eye, well that shocked me. It's really got me questioning what I'm doing, even more so than before. *cue massive rant*... I don't want to be part of something where life and death is so meaningless. I came in the medicine to help people and to value life. Yet I feel like I'm part of a malfunctioning machine whereby patients are sent in on a ever rolling conveyer belt, and if u spend too long with one patient, the next falls off of the conveyer to their death. So to keep everything working you have to spend little time with each, doing lots of bodge jobs, but ensuring that everyone gets seen. It's like having a pie and needing to feed 100 people, if you give a decent sized portion to 10, there'd be 90 that went without, so everyone gets the tiniest piece to ensure balance is maintained. There are too many patients and not enough doctors to ever do a good job. I want to know my patients well, I want to know their families, I want to have time to sit and make them understand the decisions we are making, I want time to talk to them when a loved one passes away or has a terminal diagnosis. I don't get to do any of the above because of time. If I spend too much time with a patient, someone waiting to be seen will complain and say "these doctors are rubbish, I've been waiting hours!!" But if I spend too little time with a patient to ensure those waiting get seen, people will say "these doctors are rubbish, they didn't give me time to explain anything!!". You really cannot win. The stress of not doing a good job is exaggerated by knowing everyone is aware that you aren't doing a good job, and knowing that they blame you and you alone.

[curiousandcreative-blog]

Sleepingalldayandnight

It would be my Frkn luck to get sick for the entire three day weekend. /fail

[disenchantedmedic]

[disenchantedmedic]

Nothing makes sense

Today I was "told off" for wearing nail varnish to work. It was essentially 'natural nail' coloured. The fact she noticed I was even wearing any shows what a psycho obsessive bitch my registrar is. My nails look so much neater with a slick of gloss. Her reason for why I can't wear nail varnish.. - "well I can't wear it, so you sure as hell can't". Such a bitch. Nothing makes sense in medicine. I don't touch a patient without gloves, gloves which conceal my nails... Why not paint them and look more presentable? Why can't we wear earrings? Why can I not wear a ring, but a married medic can? Do bacteria respect the sanctity of marriage? When we barrier nurse infective patients we have to wear these plastic aprons, why?! My arms are still completely on show, do bacteria aim solely for the torso and ignore the rest of my revealed flesh? I have so many questions that no one can ever answer. How have such intelligent human beings fallen to this stage where we follow things and never question, just because were told to...

[disenchantedmedic]

I hate medicine

6 years at medical school, god knows how many years before that working to get in to med school and now an entire year as a working doctor.. Years of my life I will never get back. I started off like most other aspiring doctors, bright eyed and bushy tailed, desperate to save the world and make a difference with my love of science and great team working skills. I could play grade 8 piano, was the head of the hockey team and spent every weekend helping the elderly down at my local care home, or was it looking after orphans in Africa..? (so maybe I exaggerated in my med school interview). I'm not sure where it all went wrong. Actually, that's a lie. It all went wrong on my first ever day as a doctor.

After years of learning physiology in great depths, the hours spent learning the intricacies of every disease known to man, days of watching casualty and fantasising about the day I become a hero.. I arrive to find my job, a glorified secretary. Chasing the consultant on ward round, trying desperately to find the notes for the next patient while scribbling what he had said two patients ago in a pile of notes I'd had thrown at me. Being asked the blood results of patients I'd never seen in my life, and receiving evils from the entire team when I'd dare to utter the reality of 'I'm sorry, I have never seen this man in my life..', what a mistake. Reality and common sense mean NOTHING in medicine. Blood results for a patient may consist of around 20 numbers for the different components, a ward round may have 45 patients, that's up to 900 numbers (and new patients can have bloods done daily) 900 numbers that the consultant expects you to have on the tip of your tongue. Dare to look down at a piece of paper to find the results and you are greeted with huffs of despair, impatience and "Are you good for anything??" . By the end of the ward round there would be lists of jobs (book a scan, chase a scan, take some blood, chase the results, the results of which may result in you needing to book a scan, which then needs chasing... you get the picture.) Patients who go home need their medications prescribed and long discharge letters writing explaining the details of their admission (which you usually have no idea about). Three months in to my first surgical job I still didn't have a clue what any of the operations were, I could barely remember what an appendix was, EVERY day was spent chasing, booking, typing and the blind panic on each ward round if something had been forgotten the previous day (it usually had been). Evenings were spent whinging about how shit life had become and getting the little sleep I had time for. The thought of reading about medicine outside of work was laughable. A year in and although my organisational skills are now exquisite, ask me what a spleen does or about a disease that isn't pneumonia, and I will stare at you blankly...