#ignore the poorly drawn turtles

[alitteraladhdmess]

Bros got that constitutional drip

Don’s being abused, harassed, assaulted, hate crimed, bullied and publicly humiliated. Vote for ❤️💜Bloom From Oblivion🧡💙 and Don might find a fashion era he likes.

Lee and Angelo are having fun tho and Aprils just here for the laughs

@tmntaucompetition you ordered pre 1920’s so the turtles came and delivered!! Applause and applause aaand waiting for your applause.

[beyond-abyss]

CHAPTER THREE (because I haven't edited chapter 2 and it's not important don't worry about it)

Velkyn had already let the human girl live longer than she deserved, another day past the initial fight, but tonight she would die by his hand. Thanks to the shadow dїmon essence in his veins, Velkyn was as unknowable as the night around him. Creeping through the woods growing atop the drakback, Velkyn avoided waking the strange, glowing creatures that thrived in the branches. He snuck across rope bridges, causing them to quiver less than a light breeze would, and found Noa's quilt-draped abode.

The elves who lived in Distinguished Diumer's community atop a giant dragon-turtle creature had a special way of coaxing trees to grow in peculiar shapes, crafting concave half-homes and covering the rest with tents of quilting. As the two newest tenements, Noa and Velkyn were given new-grown homes and old quilts at opposite ends of the village. It was no secret that the drow wanted the human dead. And so, after only one peaceful day, Velkyn was determined to finish what he'd started in the bar.

Creeping to Noa's quilt-tent, secret boot dagger drawn, Velkyn had only the intake of a breath to decide his course of action as he beheld the assassin who was already poised to stab Noa. With that breath, he cried out, "NO!" loud enough to wake the whole forest, and tackled the fellow knife-wielder to the floor. Noa lurched awake, brown hair wild and brown eyes wilder as Velkyn became locked arm against arm with the would-be assassin. The two youths were both trying to stab one another and block the other's knife in identical actions. The one advantage which tipped the fight? Noa's swift and vicious kick to the assassin's head.

"I had her," Velkyn grumbled as Noa gaped at the unconscious orc girl.

"Was she trying to kill me?" Noa blinked rapidly at her would-be attacker just before screams tore apart the tranquil night. Both drow and human flung open the quilt curtain to take in the battle unfolding in the surrounding treetops. The varied residents of the drakback community were each defeating poorly dressed assassins with the same swiftness as Noa. Precise but brutal blows rendered the attackers unconscious or dead, and just as quickly as it began, it ended.

"What in Hell's latrines just happened?!" Noa yelled, dragging the orc girl out onto the landing of the rope bridge. "Who are these people, where did they come from, and why did they want us dead?!"

As Velkyn followed her out, she turned, confusion pinching her face, and said to the dark-elf, "And why were you in my room?"

Velkyn considered lying, then decided to share the instantaneous decision he'd made. "I was going to kill you in your sleep, but couldn't do that if this kid did it first," he admitted. Noa narrowed her eyes and turned fully to face Velkyn. "Now that I've seen it attempted, I realize that it would be too quick and boring a death for you, Lunnoa."

As the other elvish folk made their rounds checking on each other before coming to Noa and Velkyn, the human girl and drow boy glared at one another in silence. Just before Diumer was in earshot, Noa said, "I'm going to choose to believe it was some kind of dumb luck which saved my life twice in one instant. I will not be so unprepared next time."

Chaos ruled the remaining hours of night as everyone tied up the surviving attackers, and conferred with Diumer about what could be done. Ignoring the commotion, Velkyn sat keeping his own company by a fire, polishing his blade and wondering if it truly had been selfishness that drove him to protect his prey. Or if, in that moment, the horror he had felt seeing a dagger poised above such a helpless victim had snagged at something broken inside himself.

Or perhaps Velkyn refused to be robbed of the satisfaction of killing Noa after all the trouble she'd caused him. No matter why, he had chosen to save her life, on the very night which he had vowed to end it.

"You're a vicious piece of work," the human said, her arms crossed as she emerged from the dark. Noa's insult carried the air of a compliment as she wandered over to stand opposite Velkyn by the fire. "The way you and that assassin countered each other's every move… You've been trained?"

Velkyn stopped polishing his knife. "There's no counter for an idiot's interference, though, no matter how much you've trained."

Noa narrowed her eyes when the elf looked up at her and flashed a false smile. "That day in the bar, your knife hit me in the shoulder. You were aiming for someone else."

"I take it back: not an idiot, just a fool."

"Why does someone as arrogant and obviously silver-spoon-fed as you have the skills of an assassin?"

Velkyn tensed and turned the knife in his hand, pleased by the human's equally tense reaction. "Why don't I tell you my tragic life story while you braid my hair over a cup of tea?" Noa rolled her eyes, but Velkyn kept going, "Or better yet, how about you show me the art of sword swallowing which you so obviously learned in the circus you come from?" He wiggled his knife near the fire. "Here, put this in your throat!"

Noa spat on the ground between them, and Velkyn fell silent. A long pause crackled like the fire pit as Noa opened her mouth, closed it, and opened it again, only for nothing to come out. She turned and marched back into the dark towards Diumer's friends, muttering and kicking moss. Velkyn let his gaze return to the firelight on his blade, wondering why he had saved her.

[arloelilly]

This might be odd but I'm in the mood to shed some tears so I'd like to request one where the turtles don't accept the new girl they meet because they get bad vibes from her when in reality she just moved to New York to start a new life away from the loneliness she felt at her old home and the only people who seem to accept her is April, Casey, Vern and Splinter.

Plot twist because I love your TMNT x turtle Reader stories on Wattpad: Reader is kidnapped and turned into a mutant turtle and some how escapes only to have to survive by stealing food and finding shelter.

It's a lot to ask but you're so good and I'd love to see how your creative mind comes up with something!

We're Sorry Pt. 1

Okay, I am invested in this. I will probably have to make this in different parts because there would be a bit much to the story. For now; however, I will start with how they act toward the reader. I might have part two out pretty soon since I'm so interested in this idea.

Warning(s): Sad vibes

Leo

Distant, and cold. He doesn't like you but he doesn't know why. Anytime you try to talk to him or ask him a question he just gives a glance before carrying on with his business. He doesn't want to talk to you and he won't unless he absolutely has to. Even then it's small talk and little to no eye contact. When you first met him he seemed like a cool guy and you even had a spark of feelings for him but now, you were unsure. You knew how friendly and easy going he could be based on the interactions he had with his family and his other human friends. And it hurt you knowing he treated you differently without a reason.

Raph

Cold shoulder and some glares. Has nothing and wants nothing to do with you. Ignores you or shoots you a hard glare if you try talking to him while he's working out or just doing his own thing. When you would talk to April, her being one of the only people to talk with you, and say something he thinks was stupid, you would sometimes here him mumble things under his breath like 'dumbass' or 'What a bimbo.' You would try not to react but at time when you would glance at him after saying something he'd look at you like 'Yeah, what about it?' April, on the other hand, would have none of it if she heard him. "You say something Raph?" She ask with a knowing look and a hint of attitude in her voice. Raph would sometimes scoff and go back to what he was doing leaving your heart aching on the inside. Even though he was so mean to you, you couldn't help have small feelings for him.

Donnie

Awkward and no eye contact. His entire goal when you would talk to him was to get out of the conversation as quickly as possibly so he could get back to his work or as least pretend like he was working so you wouldn't talk to him. He wouldn't be rude but definitely shy and uncomfortable. You usually always got the hint and cut the conversation off when you could tell he was just getting too awkward. You wanted to get to know him but you knew he didn't seem to like you so you didn't push. April said he's probably the sweetest out of his brothers and sure you could see that but when he interacts with April but it doesn't seem like he wants anything to do with you. You were disappointed when you caught on to this, hoping to get to know him more and maybe your small feelings for him would grow.

Mikey

Awkward but nice. It wasn't in him to treat someone poorly for no reason so he tried to be nice even though he felt completely awkward. Thankfully, you picked up on this and didn't talk to him all the time so he wouldn't be uncomfortable. You could tell he'd much rather ignore you and play his games. Sometimes you would go home early when you felt like you were going to start crying. You didn't want to cry in front of them, knowing you'd feel completely embarrassed for it. When he first met you, he was super excited about meeting a new girl but as time went on he gradually became more distant. This left you confused and your chest aching.

Splinter

Acceptance. He welcomed you and chatted with you happily while you two had tea together. Since your father was absent you were drawn to Splinter and you two clicked. He was the father you never had and you'd blush out sheepishly when you would occasionally, and accidently, refer to him as 'dad' but this would only make him smile kindly and he'd let out a soft chuckle. You were one of the sweetest people he's met and he loved your company. You wouldn't bring up how his sons' treated you, he would find out on his own through observing his sons' behaviors and frankly, he was disappointed. They knew better than to treat someone so distantly since that was their life with society. When you stopped coming over, he thought now would be the time to talk to his sons and find out why they treated you the way they did.

No one

Yes, in the end you did stop going over, unable to handle one more moment of not being accepted. Unfortunately, the thoughts wouldn't leave you alone. It affected your work life and your day to day life in general. You became a homebody and stopped hanging out with April, Casey and Vern. The only times you left your home were to go to work or to get groceries. April was concerned for you, going as far as to come and see you. Your were different to her. You weren't that talkative sweet girl she met. You kept to yourself and were soft spoken when you did speak. She could tell the smile you wore was fake. She could see the loneliness in your clouded e/c eyes. When it was time for her to go she would always give you a big hug before she left. Later, she would talk to Casey and Vern about it. Vern would pity you, knowing the feeling of not being liked very much by the guys, but it seemed they liked him more than you. Casey would feel bad and go out of his way to ask the guys why they didn't like you, April joining him when he did.

[dspd]

ypu can thank @sokka-with-his-hair-down for the following word vomit with a lil jinzula content

just saw a jinzula reference and now I'm thinking about Azula being released from Fire Nation's version of a psych ward and going to get rehabilitated with Iroh in Ba Sing Se and Jin just being a cutie and helping the heck outta her until Azula is like...oh no I have feelings for a pleb what do I dooooo????

-----

okay so like...after the comet Azula's held in luxury as doctors try to help her. Zuko visits every day, staying as long as a young ruler can, only leaving on the bad days when she's starts to lose control, her guards handlers hurrying away when items go flying or her face twists in rage, screaming familiar insults fed by fear and the ghost of Ozai's upbringing. Eventually she regains some balance, Zuko's unwavering support and the calming repetition of her now hobby, tea making, the rocks that she clings to when she feels herself slipping. She quickly learns the palace holds too many triggers as she's allowed to venture beyond her suite, two guards following too close behind as she wanders the halls. She feels lost, more like an intruder in this remodeled building that somehow stills rakes her over and leaves her soul bleeding.

She walks past the pond Zuko and Mother loved and tears up when she sees the turtle ducks have returned. It's a tiny feeling but she can't control herself and turns away.

She wanders down a servant's corridor and remembers the one time she sat on Zuko, snapping sparks into his face and mocking him, repeating words Ozai had said to her, a raw, primal delightful power coursing through her, then a nugget of guilt growing when he begins to cry only to be crushed under defensiveness when Mother gathers him up, wiping his tears away...and ignores her again. She trembles and walks past quickly with a stiff legged gait, unwilling to run away yet unable to stay.

She tries not to think about whether the guards saw the tremor or whether she could look back and see contempt in their eyes.

She reaches the main doors to the Royal Hall and gasps when she remembers Mother's disappearance, Zuko's absence as he healed, then his banishment, all while Ozai tryna that gaze on her and built her up again, giving her more and more responsibility. She isn't sure if it's the remembered pride or the following memories of hiding in her bed and fear of failure that starts it but all of a sudden she's can't breathe and she's gasping, hanging onto the wall, trying to push it back, pull it inside and lock it away again and Zuko's pulling the door open, drawn by the shouting in that stupid, idiotic way of his instead of letting the guards handle it and he's pulling her in to a soft embrace that burns.

She's shuddering and sobbing and she knows it's bad because she can feel the rough fabric of Zuko's royal robes against her fingers as she clutches him, face pressed into his chest as she tries to cram her stupid, idiotic weakness into a tiny corner in the back of her head like Ozai taught her befits a royal. It doesn't work and she's overcome with the new crashing wave of frustration over her lack of control.

It's only when she feels the cool spread of that stupid bitch Katara's healing along her shoulders and neck that she manages to claw back into a semblance of who she needs to be. Those stupid hands with their stupid water bending pull her into the darkness of deep water, the overwhelming feelings floating on the surface she's sinking away from.

She's not deep enough, not numb enough, to miss the repulsive feeling when she finally looks at the guards and sees nothing but pity in the guards eyes.

So when Zuko, in that stupid, weak way of his, gently suggests she move away she's nauseatingly glad and shamefully hurt, little internal dragons that swoop and chase each other, nipping away until she's not sure of anything. She can hear him talking but it's a distant thing. She's too busy fighting the little voice in her head saying she's being abandoned again.

She wants to say it sounds like Father so she can dismiss it like she's been practicing, but it sounds too much like Mother.

Mother never lied so it must be true.

The move happens so fast that it feels like she blinks and she's standing at the entrance of Iroh's new home in the stupid city of lemming, Ba Sing Se. It’s cooler, She's kind of afraid in a new way. Mostly, she's tired.

So, so tired of being like this.

She's angry with herself next when Iroh gives her a critical glance and a tentative smile before taking her hands and welcoming her. She can't stop feeling things and even his words about starting over and reassures her that he's here for her and that he's sorry, that he feels like he abandoned her and he wants her to know that he never chose Zuko over her and he loves her very much...

That little voice changes into Zuko and Father and Ty Lee and Mai whispers to her and twists the meaning and she knows it's wrong but she's so tired of fighting it.

So she sighs and tries to smile and accepts his tea and hand holding and changes the subject.

When she finds out she'll be helping at his tea shop, she doesn't have the energy to be outraged that she, the stupid heir apparent of the Fire Nation, will be taking orders and delivering stupid, poorly brewed tea.

It's full and aggravating but she practices holding all that in. The nightmares slow, Zuko's letters reassure her, and she learns how to handle minor annoyances. She's mature enough to acknowledge she never learned how to handle them correctly the first time, something that makes her grin to herself in a moment of wry happiness. It's a bittersweet feeling and she's tired of feeling but still...it's new and exhilarating and she feels a bubble of hope in her chest.

In Ba Sing Se, she's nobody. It's oddly freeing to be Mr. Mushi's niece and her new name is nice in an unfamiliar way. She won't admit it but she likes the way the repeat customers act with her. They aren't afraid to joke with her or share a concern. A couple younger ones flirt with her and, as she peeks out from the bangs she's growing out, she's pleased it's friendly and without the teeth she came to expect from Father's generals who disagreed with her expanding military duties.

°°°

Early on, after moving in with Iroh, Azula was still prickly and unbalanced and bored out of her mind at the dull, repetitive lifestyle.

There's a quiet girl that comes in sometimes. She's soft-spoken, with a kind smile, but full of life at the same time. Azula remembers the first time she came in, greeting Iroh with a wide smile and talking to him like she's his niece, not Azula. Azula dismisses her with a sniff, turning to help another table but when Iroh sits down and shares a it with the girl, Azula can't help but sidle closer, ears straining to overhear. The girl - Jin, she later learns - had been a customer before when Iroh and Zuko had come to Ba Sing Se as refugees. No one can be so interested in her failure of an uncle so she grabs a broom and sweeps closer. When Jin asks after someone named Lee, Azula loses interest.

The girl is just another stupid commoner, obsessed with boys or whatever. Nothing interesting.

By Agni, she's so bored.

A few days later the girl returns, carrying a box filled with the local excuse of food and Azula buries her sneer of displeasure when Iroh pulls his apron off in a hurry, sliding into the booth, bald spot almost outshining like the girl's eyes.

Azula realizes she's been staring into the stupid girl's eyes and looks away. Her scowl grows as a stupid grandpa comes in with muddy shoes, ruining the floor she just finished cleaning. She stares at the tracks, hopelessness trapping her in place. The stupid grandpa doesn't even notice as he finds a seat and the hopelessness sours into bitterness.

Of course.

She's a failure, too.

A prickle between her shoulder blades warns he and she looks up. Right into Failure Iroh's stupid commoner girlfriend's gaze. They lock eyes and Azula struggles to hold it. Even if she can't be what Father raised her to be, she won't lose to this stupid smiley girl.

She can't stand it, that peculiar sensation of being watched, so she looks away. Failure Azula. Just like Iroh and Zuko and Mother. She glances back, bracing herself for the inevitable stupid judgemental look but the girl is smiling shyly at her and walking up, introducing herself and so friendly and stupidly nice. Azula's anger is simmering but she's confused and why would this girl be so nice to a stranger????

So, like her failures for family members, Azula flees.

It's not exactly an auspicious start, and Azula knows she's spiralling when she spends twenty minutes interrogating Iroh that night. What did her tell the stupid commoner? Did he ask her to approach? What does she want?

Iroh's calm at first but as Azula's voice rises and she pulls at her hair to feel something other than panic and keeps asking again and again his stupid face changes. She realizes with a start that he's seeing her for real. The rotten core of her that she's managed to hide away from even Zuko. The part of her that drove Mother away. It's written all over his stupid face.

Azula can't sit still anymore. She jumps up and is out the window in moments, shimmying down the wall and disappearing. She runs quietly, keeping to shadowy streets and inky black alleys. She's lost by the time the frenetic energy seeps out of her body, a stitch in her side forcing her to pause at a fountain for a stretch and drink.

Azula stretches out on the lip of the fountain, staring up at the stars. She used to hate the night sky. It's a visible, inevitable reminder of the Fire Nation's weakness. Her weakness. Every day, as the sun sinks below the horizon, Azula feels the fizzle of her bending wane, that hot space below and to the left of her heart cooling from hot, blue flames to red-orange fingers. It's barely more than embers in the Earth Kingdom as the days grow cooler and Azula's not sure how to feel about it.

There's a step across the courtyard and Azula's slipping down into the shadows again as two stupid lemmings approach. One is holding a torch while the other swings empty buckets. Azula frowns. Somehow the cheerfulness isn't as grading as usual. Their voices are soft in the quiet.

Azula closes her eyes and wonders if she'll ever feel half as content and comfortable as the air these two exude. There's the sound of splashes on the other side of the fountain.

One of the girls sighs. "I wish we could look at the lanterns tonight."

Only years of training lock Azula in place. It's Iroh's stupid commoner girlfriend.

The other girl laughs. "You know they're only lot for festivals, Jin."

"Except that one time," Iroh's stu- Jin replies, "I still can't believe Lee lit them."

Azula can almost smell the stupid happiness from the memory.

"Yeah, yeah. You have wierd luck with dates, I get it. Hurry up.and grab the other bucket! We still have to come back for more."

Based on the sounds, Azula can picture them struggling back the way they came.

Something makes her pause at the edge of the courtyard before leaving. She hesitates. But then she can hear the duo approaching again and she makes up her mind.

She pretends she doesn't stay long enough to hear the gasps of surprise before she hightails it out of there.

The feeling of elation that fills her chest and slides down her arms reminds her of the day she stood on the deck of a war balloon for the first time.

---

so...yeah...I wasn't planning any of this so idk where it goes but in the end Azula eventually has it bad and idk maybe Mai and Ty Lee come to visit, tentatively open to trying to be friends for real this time and, after seeing Azula's interest, Ty Lee wheedles Jin's story out of Iroh near the end of their visit. Mai's holding her face with an I can't believe this is happening expression, Iroh is concentrating too hard on his tea pot, and Azula's face is red as Ty Lee chokes out that of course Azula and Zuko would have the same taste in women.

And maybe the next day, when Jin slips her hand into Azula's while they wave goodbye, Azula looks at Jin who catches the look and smiles that smile she hated so much at first and Azula has the revelation of her life

[melaniesmumbles]

Chicks Love Not Being Touched by Human Garbage

Whelp, it’s about that time again. I wrote another rebuttal to some idiot on TotalFratMove.com. Below is his article as well as my response. Enjoy my anger.

Chicks Love Elevated Surfaces

By: The Lemon Pledge (his contributor name on TFM)

I believe it was Socrates who once said “bitches love elevated surfaces,” but I can’t find a source for that. The man was right. If there’s one thing these sorority girls love more than not coming home with me, it’s standing on a platform of some kind and hoping they don’t fall off. Which they inevitably will do.

Drunk girls need elevated surfaces to feel important, to stand out. Who’s going to see them in a flock of forty dudes after they obviously spent three hours doing their makeup just to have it wash away when they cry over spilled pizza? Whether it be heels, stages, tables, or keg-stands, girls just wanna have fun.

Through my research into why this might be the case, I’ve concluded that there are two very specific types of girls who are magnetically drawn to party above the rest of us, and they couldn’t be more polar opposite.

“Leave Me Alone” Girls

They just walked into the party 10 minutes ago and have already gotten borderline sexually harassed enough times to call it quits on the male species for the night, so they meet up with their other hot friends to hop up on the stage and ignore everyone around them.

They’re probably not dancing because they’re too cool for that, but they’re also not really drinking or socializing either so you’re not even sure why these girls are here at this point. You’ve already lost your chance to approach from your now low ground position of inferiority, so you’ll just gaze across the room every few minutes telling yourself your time will come.

Regardless, she’ll make a beeline for the door soon enough, killing your dreams, and making way for round two of stage clinging girls in the process.

“Look at Me” Girls

As the party gets into full swing and reaches the ’90s bangers section of the playlist, these girls will quickly make their way to the elevated surface that has been graciously vacated by every girl at the party you actually cared about. These girls need the stage, because face it, the night probably didn’t go their way.

They’ve already drowned their sorrows in jungle juice and regained the confidence to go dance like Carlton in front of the whole party, like a female peacock desperately craving attention as the males realize that mating season is probably over. The stage makes these girls feel important, and that’s really all they want in life is validation.

Speaking of validation, there’s technically a third class of girls who love elevated surfaces: girls with daddy issues. But they’re called strippers and that’s for another day.

Chicks Love Not Being Touched By Human Garbage: A Rebuttal to Chicks Love Elevated Surfaces

By: Mel Jones

             I believe it was Nietzsche who said, “Why did I just waste brain cells by reading that?” No wait, that was me after reading this article. You can’t find a source? I’m surprised you can even find your own asshole, but I suppose when your head is stuck so far up your own ass, it’s hard to miss. You know what “bitches” really love? – When they are recognized as individuals with different tastes and desires, and lastly, when they aren’t called bitches by a self-involved dummy with a laptop. I know, it’s cray.

           If women need to stand on elevated surfaces to feel important, does that mean you need to write bullshit articles that degrade women to make you feel important? I’m assuming you were drunk while you wrote this, otherwise what’s your excuse?

           So, let’s dive into what you refer to as the two types of women (not bitches) who dance on elevated surfaces, and we can explore how problematic your explanations are and how your psyche contributes to rape culture.

           First you refer to, “Leave Me Alone” girls. You say that they’ve been borderline sexually harassed multiple times after being at an event for only 10 minutes. Saying borderline sexually harassed is like saying I borderline stabbed you because you’re only bleeding a little. If a guy says something inappropriate to a woman, or grabs on her, that’s full blown sexual harassment. End of story. It’s not a compliment, and it’s not flattering, it’s invasive and violates a woman. For you to later refer to her dancing above everyone because she’s too cool after you’ve acknowledged that she’s trying to escape being harassed is disgusting.

           If only your dick had the girth of your thick skull.

           A woman who did her makeup and dressed sexy to go to an event owes you nothing. Not a dance. Not a handshake. Not even a smile. Just because she doesn’t want to dance with you or bang you doesn’t make her a tease or full of herself. It does, however, make you insecure and apparently inspired you to write the poorly worded article you’ve submitted to TFM, and then pat yourself on your probably narrow shoulders for it. In short, get over yourself.

           There’s a fallacy that exists among men, which is that only other men sexually harass women. They believe they are different, that their specific action was just a joke, or because they think they are attractive that a woman welcomes their touch. You are not different. You are the man that a woman doesn’t want to be touched by; look in the mirror every morning and repeat that to yourself like a mantra.

           The second group of women you refer to are the “Look at Me” girls. You suggest women that fall into this category are ones who want to be noticed because they need a confidence booster and are desperate for attention, but to the men “mating season” is over. Your hypocrisy is so overwhelming that if it was a smell, it’d be fresh dog shit.

           So the women who want attention are desperate, and the ones who don’t want attention think they are too cool? You have some major psychological issues if those are the two categories women fall under in your head because they dance on a stage. Do you have a seizure at a Britney Spears’ concert?

           This categorization of women says more about your lack of maturity and the way you see women than it does about actual women. And yes, females in college are women.

AND ALSO HOLY FUCK. A woman dancing on an elevated platform doesn’t mean she’s looking to fuck or not be fucked. JESUS. She can want to dance on a stage for a thousand reasons, and all thousand of them have nothing to do with you or where you want to stick your penis.

           Do men really think every decision a woman makes is about how fuckable she will appear to men? Spare me the answer to this.

           You end your essay by referring to women with daddy issues and say those women are called strippers. I can only imagine your shit-eating grin when you came up with that, but it’s so unoriginal that Nicholas Cage may as well star in it.

           So, to wrap this up in a neat summary, the only stages you need to worry about are your stages of grief after a smart woman turns you down.

           And, by the way, the Ninja Turtles cry over spilled pizza, and they’re fucking super heroes.