#ignore that i forgot to get rid of that last bit whoopsie

[atthebell]

roleta punishments >>>>>>

dramatic screenshots

[isa-ghost]

"a psychologist for depressed/suicidal teens"... Fuck, how are you this... noble? That's such a higher cause. I don't think I could ever care for others enough to devote my life to helping them... Then again I am a selfish brat so idk, maybe people like you are the majority. - A

Haha this got long because I rambled,,,,,,, whoopsy

I’m just gonna put a “keep reading” link here for anyone who wants to actually read basically the last 7 years of my life online and why it made me choose psychology--

I probably would’ve rambled about this at some point anyway and I’ve mentioned bits and pieces of it before a few times, so I guess now you guys get the details here if you want them. :u

I’ve had online friends since 2012, and I’ve had hundreds of them by now after 7 years. In the early days, I saved 5 of those friends from self-harm or severe depression just by talking to them everyday online, letting them vent and giving them advice.

I think after the 7 years that have passed since I met all these people, I only still talk to 2 of them. One started threatening to relapse for attention and took my help for granted, not to mention they tried to guilt trip me using my girlfriend. I cut all contact with them. Another one just.. stopped coming online, probably bc of irl complications, but I haven’t talked to them in forever regardless. One of the others still talks to me, they’re getting better and I think they’re still clean (we lost contact for a short period of time so idk but if they haven’t relapsed then they’ve been clean 3ish years?), but they have their ups and downs, I still do my best to help them. Another one of them wasn’t hurting themselves or quite suicidal but they were suffering a lot of irl stress that was giving them intrusive thoughts; meeting me helped them get rid of the thoughts. They know who they are and I’m sure they’ll read this at some point if they clicked the keep reading thing, so if that person IS reading this, I love you and didn’t name you here just in case you don’t want this info spilled. :’)

As for the last one of these 5 friends... Well-

After 5 years of being inseparable and a huge staple in each other’s lives on  and offline, they just.. abandoned me, and acted like I was selfish for being hurt that they suddenly forgot who I am. Unfortunately that one was the one who really inspired me to choose the career. Of the 5, I helped them the most and we went through a lot together. For a short while they were helping me through personal things as I was helping them. At one point we were close enough that we could’ve been a couple. But they spontaneously threw 5 years of friendship away and wouldn’t tell me why, and blatantly ignored me when I’d try to message them. I’ve ranted about them quite a lot and anyone who talks to me regularly enough knows its an extremely sensitive topic. Like, I can’t even say their real or online name, it just immediately brings back all the memories and hurt. They were a massive part of my life and it still really stings that I chose my career more or less for them and then they just walked out on me. I clung to them for a year and a half after that hoping maybe they’d start talking to me again and things would go back to normal, but the damage was done and eventually I worked up the courage to cut all contact. Purging everything to do with them from my life was really hard and there’s probably remnants of them in some places I’ve forgotten about, but the hurt has kind of turned to bitterness so it’s not as hard to get rid of the bad memories now. :/ After all of that though, I’ve really considered giving up on the whole career.

Sometimes I’m still not sure if I still want to be a psychologist anymore... My interests, sense of style, and high energy don’t seem like they’d do me good in a professional serious setting like that... But at the same time, I’m so fucking tired of hearing about suicide rates soaring in teens, I hate hearing/seeing these awful stories from people, where the situation is so bad and impossible to get out of that they think the only way out is dying. That toxic ex-friend abandoning me has really shaken my confidence with helping people even if its just hearing them out and wishing I could do something though I live miles away. I haven’t really helped anyone like that since this ex-friend put me through what they did.

But I also don’t want to let one selfish two-faced asshole breaking my heart be the thing that stops me from helping others who will actually appreciate it. So for now, I’m still on my way to trying to become a psychologist. I’m not gonna let one ungrateful person ruin it for the thousands of teens who still need/want the help.

[yodawgiherd]

Smalltalk

I forgot to crosspost the previous chapter to tumblr. Whoopsie.

Rating:M

>>>Read on AO3<<<

Talk. If only it were so easy.

What is he supposed to say anyway? How is he supposed to start? Well fuck it, she’s supposed to be his shrink. He can just dump it out on her, let her sort it out.

“Hey, name’s Armin, I’m a huge mess who recently tried to kill himself. How about you? Doing all right?”

Hitch doesn’t seem to care much for his sudden outburst, or the lame attempt at joking.

“Is that all you’ve got to say about yourself? Rather short.”

“What do you want to hear?”, he couldn’t look at her, so he frowned at the ceiling instead. “I’m not an interesting person. The opposite actually.”

“Everyone is interesting, in their own way.”, she countered. “Sometimes it’s just hidden, and needs to be brought out to light.”

Right, because he needed to hear that bullshit. Frustrated, he sighed, but that did nothing to discourage Hitch.

“I had a patient once that had similar mindset. He pictured himself as the most boring person in the world, not worthy of anyone’s time. But as we worked together, I managed to bring out his old and repressed passion for art.”, without interrupting her speech, Hitch pointed at the large painting hanging on the wall, “He did that, made it for me as a gift. A man with no talent, as he liked to call himself.”

It was pretty damn good, if Armin could have a say in that. Maybe not a piece that critics would fall on their ass over, but a good picture anyway, breathing life into the walls.

“I can’t paint for shit though.” he blurted out.

“That’s why I said that everyone has their own way of being interesting. You, for example, write, don’t you?”

“I do…. Well, I try to, to be exact.” Armin shook his head in embarrassment, “But it’s a piece of shit, anyone can see that.”

“Isn’t that up to the reader to decide?”

“But I let only my friends see it; of course they will lie to me to make me feel good.”

“So everyone you know is lying to you about your work.” from the tone of her, Hitch had a small smile on her lips, “How convenient.”

They fell silent after that, with Armin turning the facts around in his head, while Hitch watched the sunlight stream in through the windows.

“Eren told me a few things about you.” she began, hoping to prompt him to speak again, when the silence stretched. It worked.

“Oh really.” there was an emotion in his voice that Hitch certainly didn’t expect. Jealousy, guilt? Maybe? “Then why do you even waste your time talking me? I’m sure that he told you everything important.”

“Do you truly believe that your friend can tell me more about you than yourself?”

“Of course, he’s a medic too, right? Amazing one at that.”

“Human personality consists of much more than just psychological terms.”

Armin just snorted and fell silent again, but the way he reacted to Eren gave her some valuable feedback. She just needed to make sure that her hunch was right; she was never working with half-assed information.

“He did tell me that you talked about yourself as a parasite. Care to elaborate?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” the emotions heard before were drained from Armin’s voice; the only thing that she could hear was resentment. “I’m a piece of shit that does nothing but weights the people around him down. I mean, just look at me, and compare what I do to others. Eren is a prodigy surgeon, Mikasa is one of the best fighters in the world, and what am I? Nothing.”

“Following this logic would mean that almost everyone is the world is nothing then. Your friends are very special individuals, I think that we can both agree on that.”, seeing that it didn’t do much to change Armin’s expression, she tried a different approach. “When you get rid of a parasite, you should be happy, no? Did Mikasa seem happy when you attempted the suicide? Did Eren?”

This time, there was a reaction from him. A slight shake of his head, accompanied by a weak “No…”.

“So logically from that, we can assume that no one but you sees you as a parasite. Correct?”

He shook his head defiantly, not ready to give up his conviction. “They are just lying for my sake.”

“Armin, the way you put it, you are surrounded by liars from all sides and you are the only one that knows the truth. Doesn’t that sound weird to you? Think about it.”

Silence once again fell on the room, with Armin staring out of the window for a change while Hitch was slowly and surely drawing conclusions. It started to form in front of her eyes.

“You have a very strong inferiority complex towards your friends.”

“I…What?”

“It’s hidden beneath the respect and love you have for them, but it’s there, gnawing away at you.”, moments like these always made Hitch feel like a detective, delivering the conclusion to a case. In her work however, it was only the beginning, since she would still have to work together with Armin to help him overcome his issues, but she just ignored that fact. She can have some fantasies too, no? “You keep pushing out their best features, making them out like some kind of gods. But they are only human, we all are.”, Hitch pressed on, right in her element, “Take me, for example. I could always compare myself to Eren too, no? And am I better than he is? He’s a prodigy, sought after, and all I have is this office. But why should I let him overshadow me? I know I worked hard for where I am today, I know that I deserve it, and I’m proud of my achievements. So instead, I look at him and say, damn, good work Eren, but I did pretty well for myself too. Or, just look at it another way. See your friends as humans, as they are, look at the imperfections they have. I personally cry over romantic movies and I like watching horror ones, even though I can’t fall asleep after because I’m scared. Some nights I feel alone, because I’ve been single for a long time, and I can’t function in the morning without a cup of coffee. And the list of my imperfections is much, much longer.”

It was a lot to take in at once, Hitch knew, and from the expressions on Armin’s face, he knew too. Breaking down the beliefs you trapped yourself in is hard, and sometimes even being shown the exit is not enough.

“So why don’t we cut it here.” she said, glancing at the clock, “And I’ll give you a little homework. Next week, I want you to tell me some faults you realized about your friends, some little things that make them human. How does that sound?”

They didn’t even get to the main problem he had, the breakup with Annie, the last thing that pushed him over the edge, quite literally, but Hitch knew that they can work slowly on that, there was no rush, they had time. Fixing someone’s psyche, that was a long and arduous work, but she was looking forward to it.

“So you don’t have to send him to an asylum after all?”

“No, he’s not dangerous to anyone. Pretty sure that you can leave him alone if you want, he has a lot to think about.”

Eren hummed, sitting back on the couch, and watching the TV absentmindedly. Both he and Mikasa were still in Armin’s house, as he simply didn’t feel like leaving his friend alone, but hearing from Hitch that he is no danger to himself anymore certainly felt good.

“I guess you can’t tell me what you were talking about, can you?”

“Of course not, we are in patient-doctor relationship. It’s confidential.”

“Yea, I understand.”

“Listen, Eren, Armin told me that your girlfriend is a fighter, is that right?”

Looking down at his lap, where he was cradling the head of the woman in question, he chuckled lightly. Mikasa had her eyes closed, but he couldn’t tell if she was sleeping or no, rest of her body completely still. She didn’t look much like the fighter Hitch was describing right now, still recovering from her injuries, but Eren was glad that she finally took it easy on herself, even if just for a few days.

“A professional.”, he replied.

“Damn, I didn’t know you were into that.”

“Neither did I,” Eren dragged his fingers through her hair, “until I met her.”

Hitch snickered on the other end of the line.

“You know what; I guess I’ll leave you two alone. Have a good night Eren.”

“You too Hitch, and thanks, again.”

“So what did she say?”, asked Mikasa out of nowhere, not bothering to open her eyes. Not sleeping then.

“Not much, she can’t, you know how it is. But apparently we don’t have to keep watch over Armin anymore.” he glanced in the direction of the bedroom, where his friend retreated after dinner. He didn’t talk much since coming back from Hitch, but it wasn’t the apathy as before, he seemed deep in thought. Well, that was good progress, Eren hoped. He looked back at Mikasa in his lap, who finally deemed him worthy to open her eyes for, and smiled. “You can go home if you want.”

“I’ll rather stay here with you than be at our house all alone.”

“So you are staying?”, seeing her nod, he grinned, “Great, I’ll head home then.”

She pinched his thigh for that bad joke, but couldn’t hold her own smirk back.

“I guess I’ll have to make sure you don’t leave then.”

With a bit of shuffling around, Mikasa ended up lying on top of him, which sandwiched him between the couch and her weight. It was oddly comfortable. As it looked that neither of them will leave in the end, Eren slowly gave in to his fate, rubbing Mikasa’s back as they watched whatever was on, neither of them really caring. Everything was fine, until out of nowhere Eren felt her teeth sink into his neck, sucking a dark mark on his skin.

“Hey!”, he turned his head to look at her. It was hard to keep his voice from shivering, because he loved when she did this. “What was that for?”

She leaned closer, letting her lips brush over his, eyes sparkling. “I’m horny.”

Eren almost choked on the air upon hearing the statement, eyes popping wide. Mikasa was usually way more reserved than this.

“Hey, you feeling okay?”, he pressed a hand against her forehead, checking for fever, but she shook it away.

“It’s just been so loooong,” Mikasa dragged a finger down his throat, letting it rest on his chest. “Don’t you feel the same?”

Well, he was certainly turned on now, there was no denying it. Mikasa must have felt his excitement pressing into her thigh, because her grin only grew wider.

“You do realize it’s been just a few days.” , he did his best to frown at her, but couldn’t really bring his face to move, because the grin she had successfully infected him.

“Oh come on.”, she pressed on, her palm pressing against his hardness, “You know you want me.”

He did, he fucking did, but flicking his eyes up to the bedroom doors it just kind of didn’t feel right to just fuck on his friend’s couch while he’s going through so much. Mikasa didn’t seem to have the same mindset however, because she pressed her heat right against him, moaning lightly into his ear. Turned on was a weak word to describe how he was feeling. With a resolute move, he flipped them over again, hovering over blushing Mikasa, who didn’t seem to mind the change in perspective, tangling her fingers in his hair and biting her lower lip in expectation. Not like he could leave her hanging. Dipping his head down, he kissed her, hard, not missing the way she purred against him.

“Let me take care of you,”, he whispered breathlessly when they separated. She nodded rapidly, so he kissed her again, pleased with her obedience before moving his lips down her cheeks and jaw to reach her throat. Remembering her actions from earlier, he sucked in a mark of his own, just to be even of course. When he moved his mouth over her breasts and she squeaked in delight, Eren’s head shot up to see her covering her mouth in embarrassment, ears burning red.

“We have to be silent.” he whispered, looking pointedly at the bedroom door, “Can’t wake Armin up.” , she nodded, eagerly, most likely wanting him to get back to work as soon as possible, but Eren had other ideas. “Let’s make it a little game, okay? I’ll make you feel good, but if you won’t keep silent, I’ll stop.” Looking up with a wicked grin, he saw the way Mikasa frowned down at him, but after a moment she nodded again, understanding the rules. So he dived back in.

Eren didn’t even bother with stripping her, as he simply pushed the shirt up until it was at her neck. As always, Mikasa showed a quick mind and took the shirt between her teeth, creating a makeshift gag for herself. Clever girl. But he promised to make her feel good, didn’t he, so to keep up his end of the bargain he licked over her breasts, pulling at her hardened nipples lightly with his teeth, while she squirmed beneath him, moans muffled by the fabric in her mouth. Playing with her chest was a fun past time, and he indulged himself, kissing and biting everywhere he wanted to, using his hands as much as his lips. Eren only moved down after he thoroughly abused that part of her body, leaving behind numerous red marks all over her. Mikasa seemed to be reacting well to his care so far, her breathing laboured as he nipped his way down her abs to the part where she wanted him the most. It was almost funny the way she automatically raised her hips when he reached the apex of her thighs, desire and need written in every move of her body. But Eren was in playful mood today, so instead of getting on with it, he continued teasing her, pressing the flat of his tongue against the wet material of her panties, holding her down with his hands. She moaned something behind the barrier of fabric, the pleading falling on deaf ears however as he continued, not willing his playtime to end.

She was positively soaked by the time he finally took off her underwear, pink and glistening beneath him, desperate for his attention. But through all his teasing, she kept quiet. Deciding that it’s high time to reward her, Eren licked at her, slow and thorough, not rushing anywhere. Patience is a virtue, as they say, but Mikasa seemed kinda over it at this point, arching from the couch while biting down on her shirt, hard, the thighs on the sides of his head shaking. He knew how to make her come fast; of course he did, but decided not to use that knowledge. He did enjoy watching her squirm after all .The muffled moans combined with the rustling of the couch as she moved might have been considered as breaking the rules, but Eren decided to be merciful tonight and didn’t stop, moving her closer and closer with every swipe of his tongue. She was so wet against, so much in fact that he could easily replace his mouth with three of his fingers, sliding them in and curling up, moving the attention of his lips elsewhere, to the swollen nub just a tad bit higher. With a string of curses and encouragements, both made inaudible by the shirt, she came all over his face, but as always Eren didn’t pull away, licking her through her finish in slowed down fashion, prolonging her pleasure for her as much as he could. Only when she stopped shaking and settled down back on the couch, he kissed his way back up her body, ending up hovering over her just as he did before.

“You do realize that you are most likely a sex addict by now.”, he said pointedly to her flushed face, but instead of answering she grabbed his hair and pulled him down, kissing him hard. Well, good enough of an answer.

It didn’t take them long to settle back into their old position again, his chest to her back, even though it was a bit cramped, considering that Armin’s couch was all but big. Breathing calming, Mikasa traced the shape of his fingers against her stomach, but the one thing that still bugged her mind didn’t allow her to sleep.

“Eren?”, she whispered, wondering if he still awake.

“Hmm?”, he kissed her nape in affirmation that he is still up.

“Back when I was fighting with Annie, I…”, this wasn’t easy to say, but he deserved to know, “I was going to kill her, but you stopped me.”

“I stopped you?”, that was an impressive feat, considering that he was quite far away. Even in his confusion, he felt rather proud of himself. A little bit. “My psychic skills are improving then, that’s good to hear.”

“Well, not in person of course.”, she would frown at him for his teasing, but right now she really just wanted to pour her heart out, “But like, in spirit you were there, telling me not to do it. Kind of.“, she fell silent, turning what she just said inside her head. It didn’t make much sense.

“I’m glad you didn’t kill her, for whatever reason. I like having you here, not in jail.”

She giggled a bit, pressing her body closer to his.

“I like being here too.”

I was asked for smut, so i delivered.

Dont @ me.