#ignore me 😀 ahaha

[cha1cedony]

Every time I read Darryl’s dad facts I get? unreasonably emotional??? He loves his family so much????? Oh my God???????? Anyway

[tohokuu]

rant - mentions of death and suicide and blah blah blah

i feel like i only come on here to fucking rant lmfao

but hey ! at least it’s being put down somewhere and not shoved inside so then i can let it all out when things get too much and have a nervous breakdown LNFOAJF

i need therapy

like genuinely i need to get help !!

but help does not exist !

western therapy does not work on eastern minds ! and ykw- it’s fucking true. therapy doesn’t fucking work for some reason. that’s a beef reference

i just finished beef btw. great show. binge watched it and ignored all of my missing work… ahaha…

i miss when i was motivated my first semester of college and used to have the mentality.

“hey, if you get it all done now, you won’t have to feel guilty about procrastinating ! and then you’ll actually enjoy doing other fun things !” fuck.

so i lost 3 of my closest friends, so i’ve got nobody to text ya know ? but like we never really texted like that anyway but these were my go to friends yk ? the ones i always hung out with but they’re no longer here so now i’m lonely asf w nothing to do and i’m like …. heehee

just hanging there looking like a fucking L

like i’m a fucking loser LMFAO

i’m a loser

i bring nothing to the fucking table

i’m failing my classes bc i don’t understand anything anymore

i cant fucking write

idk how to fucking write

i don’t have friends

i’m fucking ugly

i actually serious hate everyone

my reputation is actually a lot worse than i had assumed btw ??? like … apparently there’s rumours abt me saying “she likes to ruin relationships for fun” and how “the things ppl hear abt me are unbelievable”

like is this fucking highschool ??? why are you focused on spreading rumors abt me instead of trying to fucking graduate college you stupid piece of fucking shit ???

and then this dickhead today i was talking to 😀 i tell this mf i need a job and ask if his place is hiring

he says “start an onlyfans” are you kidding. that’s so rude, inappropriate and disrespectful.

he knows i’m somebody that believes in God and i’m religious LMFAO ik i literally write porn on here for leisure but like … cmon 😀 seriously ? and this is a guy i barely know and ykw, everything in me was like “they’re all the same. they’re all the fucking same.”

and rn my sister just knocked on the bathroom door tryna fucking irritate me bc she can’t find my fucking gua sha like bitch you didn’t fucking ask to use it and no i don’t know where the fuck it is god leave me alone please

and then my mom keeps annoying me about coming down and grinding the chicken bc i was supposed to make dumplings today and freeze them but i’m fucking tired and it’s 10 pm and i’m not grinding chicken and then cooking it and making wontons. no. no. no. no.

i just want it to all stop. i just wanna breathe without my mind thinking a million fucking things at once. i feel like i can’t breathe without inhaling problems. i just wanna crawl into a fucking hole and fucking die. i literally want it all to stop. i don’t wanna actually die but i want to be happy please this week was shit. it was shit. i feel like shit. i just want it to stop. please.

[anxiety-banana]

2021 fic review

I was... not tagged 😀 but I am a little poop who inserts herself into situations so here I am, flaunting what little writing skills I have

I feel like I should mention that although I started out on Wattpad and have a significant amount of works over there, they are all, how do I say this, ✨trash✨ so I have elected to ignore them and focus on my ao3 days instead

(I have been fully on ao3 for... like six months sdfjksdf uhhh anyway-)

total number of completed works: 70 fully completed, two more which have a few more chapters to go! I simply pray they ever actually get completed!

total word count: Again, not counting Wattpad I have reached a whopping 102,559 words. uh... woah

looking back did you write more, less, or the expected amount of fic this year?: I didn't expect to write at all this year, considering I discovered fic in February and didn't think my works would gain any sort of traction, but here we are! I definitely wrote far more than I thought I would, even after getting into fic. I'm actually really proud of my recent dive into some longer fics that require actual plotting 😂

your own favorite story of this year?: Veeerrry hard question, considering I have different favorites for different reasons. But I'm really proud of "they say home is where the heart is, so am i homeless or just heartless?" for overall completion of such a long work compared to what I'm used to. I got a lot of positive feedback on it and I'm really proud of it :)

did you take any writing risks this year?: I would say not so much risks as generally pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I've gotten better with dialogue by writing bucket loads of bad dialogue, I've gotten better with plotting by forcing myself to write longer fics with outlines, etc. etc. Just a lot of growing I guess

do you have any fanfic goals for the new year?: Not that I have previously thought about, but my constant goal is to branch out into writing my own characters again. In the realm of fic... Probably getting more comfortable writing characters from different fandoms. I just recently branched out into Hawkeye and Scorpion, and I'm trying to get myself more comfortable with writing new-to-me characters again.

most popular story of the year?: Hits and kudos are somehow magically the same, "and home isn't quite the same, but it's far from unachievable" one of my few Hawkeye fics!

story most under-appreciated?: Not really under-appreciated, but I'm still really proud of "new battlefields (and old comrades)" which didn't gain as much attention as I would have liked. It's a post-war fix it, featuring Ahsoka as a Jedi shadow. I'd really like to revisit the idea again, because it was something I'd never really seen done before and I was pretty proud of it.

most fun story to write?: very hard decision, but I especially enjoyed the concept and completion of "Neighbors, Chaos, and a Bottle of Unopened Wine". I guess I just enjoy writing modern AUs too much ahaha

most unintentionally telling story?: Um... maybe "Ashes, Ashes"? It's one of my only stories with MCD and it seemed to be received as shocking ahaha

biggest disappointment?: All of them kidding, kidding, uhhhh I have this thing, it's called self esteem issues, so this isn't very hard sdkfjsdf that would be "a girl who knows her place becomes a woman who won't be mistreated" which I posted at an unholy hour of the night, I don't remember actually posting, and was so incredibly close to orphaning ahaha

biggest surprise?: Getting so much positive feedback!! I'd never participated in anything fic related before this year, I posted on Wattpad for the first time last February, and I didn't get my first actual hate comment until a month or so ago. My faith in humanity hasn't been destroyed yet ahaha

favorite part of fandom this year?: Creative freedom for the first time in... ever, and just being willing and able to write so much content for the first time in my life. Fic writing really opened me up to the concept of "hey you don't have to write with a goal! you can just write because you enjoy it!" and it's been really refreshing.

no pressure tags: @ashgryff @ljbrary @dashedwithromance @hannah-schooler, my beloveds, and anyone else who would like to!!