#if you’re just asking ‘do there exist people i’d be willing to put my life in physical danger for if shit hits the fan’ then well yeah

[diluc33rpm]

2/2

Is there anyone you would die for?

scoopy banoopy

[armandauntie]

I am so intrigued to hear all your thoughts on Armand as a lapsed Muslim hello 👀 as, like, a semi-lapsed Muslim myself I have so many thoughts on what Islam looks like for Armand and I’d love to hear your version if you’re willing to share!

(disclaimer, I am in no way an authority on Islam, especially how Islam is practiced outside my specific Shaami/Egyptian community. this is just my interpretation based on my personal experience. i can also not emphasize enough how lapsed I am, I have forgotten 90% of the sunnahs)

aaaaaaggh thank you I am so grateful for your ask!! I will have to dig around and find the source but I love the take I saw either her or on twitter that Armand has been alienated from his own culture because his culture no longer exists (both because of the fall and semi-erasure of the civilization in which he was raised and because his trauma and unwillingness to acknowledge any part of himself that existed before Marius), as well as Assad's (I think it was Assad, could have also been Rolin Jones) insights that Armand code-switches like crazy both in culture and in attitude for the sake of his survival. It resonated with me as an experience that so many immigrants and Muslims have had and really grounded his character in reality, despite the fact that he's a five-century old vampire which might be hard to relate to.

Taking that along with his specifically non-Arabic recitation of the Asr prayer (him saying 'asr namozi' instead of salat al-asr, although wikipedia is telling me that namozi is specific to uzbekistan which could be intentional or just a script error) meant to me that his observation of Islam was a personal choice that he has kept up over the course of his long, long life rather than just a front intended to sell his performance as Rashid. Now, this could be untrue, because I have no idea how much intention the show-writers put into that single moment (or when he has Malik try to reach the mosque before sundown, which although very warped, is also pretty Muslim) buuuut I would like to believe that it's true and that Islam, in whatever form he learned and internalized it over his life, is something he genuinely practices.

OKAY NOW ACTUALLY GETTING TO HOW I VIEW HIS BELIEFS OR AT LEAST WANT TO VIEW THEM, I see Armand's practice of Islam both as a cultural ritual that gives him normalcy and comfort, which he mentions as something very important to him during his days leading the Paris coven, as well as a very personal and maybe not fully realized version of reckoning with his own existence. When he's discussing the idea of evil with Louis in Paris (in episode 2.3 I believe), he counters Louis very Catholic view of killing as a single, unforgivable sin that catapults one into hell, with a view of evil as a gradient (interestingly, this is a direct quote from the book, which posits Armand more as a very Cristian-influenced atheist), but the idea of gradiation in evil is something that reminds me so much of the concept of haram in Islam and how many Muslims in my community believe of it (the halal-haram ratio, if you will). Doing good deeds, showing your devotion to Allah/God through recitation, donation, etc., are all important and worthwhile even if you also also commit acts that are haram, whether that's drinking alcohol, blaspheming, committing aldultery, and in Armand's case, a ton of murder. I see this echoed in how my famiily practices, how myself and my gay friends practice, and even how Muslim characters are portrayed in literature like the Palace Walk series by Naguib Mahfouz. It also especially echoed how I and other gay Muslim people feel as an irrifutable part of ourselves is viewed as inherantly haram, and specifically how we reconsile that with ourselves and our faith. I personally don't see my homosexuality as a sin, but that took a long time for me to come to terms with, and a lot of gay Muslims still view their own sexuality as haram, and process that alongside their faith.

I also think that debate and introspection is a central tennant in Islam, which you can see through masjids becoming the worlds' first universities, as well as through how masjids make time for discussion and questioning during Jummah. The fact that Armand and Louis bond over debates of faith felt extremely Muslim to me.

Although it's very likely not Quranic in nature, the balance of belief and ritual with acts of 'sin' is extremely Muslim to me, and that is exactly what Armand does. The way I interpret it, it's the only way he can live with himself, with his horrific trauma and guilt. Catholicism (a religion I was also raised with), is very all-or-nothing, and that's a source of Louis' trauma. Some versions of Islam are also like that, but so many are not.

Part of the reason I have this account is because I love to highlight the beauty and the thoughtfulness of Islam, because it is so rare for any Western media to show. It's demoralizing and infuriating to only see Muslim people as either terrorists or victims, and it's a big part of the reason I latched on so much to Armand in the show.

Okay that turned into a massive essay, so apologies for that, and I'm also sure there are a million points I'm forgetting. If you (or others) have any points that you also want to bring up, please feel free! This topic brings me so much joy.

[elliespassagerprincess]

If you’re still doing song requests I’d love if you can do bad dog by Rosie ugly it’s so loser Ellie core

Bad dog - (ellie williams x reader)

Hi anon! firstly yes this song is so loser ellie and secondly i've never heard about Rosie before and their music slaps... i hope you enjoy:)

This story is based off the song Bad dog by Rosie! if you can please listen to the song as you're reading:)

Pairing: ellie x fem!reader

requests are open again! send me your silly thoughts

warnings: angst.

Summary: in which you treated her like a bad dog

authors note: so i left again and im so sorry, anyways my person life has been kak (that's a word in afrikaans lmao, it describes my emotion the best) but I've arrived and here to spam.

masterlist

Sometimes I feel like your lover

Savor salt while I'm there

But it feels like I'm drowning in the thick heavy air

And I'm only your souvenir

You put me outside like a bad dog

And you know you're missing out

On my love

On my love

I just want another taste of you

Right there under my tongue

It gets me feeling excited

Why am I tryna hide it?

you made her feel like a fucking dog.

A dog that has disappointed it's owner and that gets sent outside to wallow in self pity.

Sometimes you made her feel loved, you made her feel like she's the only girl alive. You made it seem like you would fucking die for her but today you made her feel like a dog.

Ellie doesn't know why she feels so hurt, you did this so often. She should be used to this.

The air surrounding you, Ellie and Dina was tense.

It was suffocating.

Ellie and Dina has been friends for years, but as soon as you came into the picture suddenly all the friends Ellie had drifted towards you.

Everyone loved you.

Who wouldn't? You were perfect. There was something about you that drew people, and Ellie loved that about you.

Ellie became a shell of herself. The once loud and confident Ellie Williams became a fucking loser who follows you like a shadow.

Your laugh filled the air, as Dina told a cringe dad joke, Ellie quietly sat watching the two of you.

Your words from earlier that day made her feel sick.

"Just because we fuck, doesn't mean we're something. We're really not anything but fuck buddies. Stop trying, you're pissing me off"

stop trying.

stop trying.

stop fucking trying.

Your presence made her so excited. Just smelling your perfume had her giggling.

How could she stop trying if you were the very reason for her existence?

She couldn't focus on the what Dina had to say, your laugh was mocking her.

Your harsh words were still replaying in her mind. They were suffocating her.

stop trying.

She meant nothing to you.

She should stop trying to win your love. You literally told her to stop.

Even though you made her feel like a fucking dog, the love she felt for kept her going and Ellie wasn't willing to give up.

Remember that song that you wrote me

It wakes me up in the morning

And it feels like I'm drowning in the memories I've been avoiding

And I cannot stop destroying

You put me outside like a bad dog

And you know you're missing out

On my love

On my love

I just want another taste of you

Right there under my tongue

It gets me feeling excited

Why am I tryna hide it?

Jesse told Ellie that you didn't deserve her love. He said that you were missing out on the best relationship of your life.

Jesse was right. Ellie knew she couldn't keep following you around, she knew she should stop hoping you'd fall to your kness and tell her how much you love her.

No, she had to face reality.

He was right.

All Ellie had to do was to go to your apartment and she had to tell you to fuck off. But when she tried she suddenly lost her ability to speak.

As soon as you smiled at her and asked "what's wrong baby?"

She couldn't.

She couldn't break her heart like that.

How can someone say something so hurtful and pretend like it didn't happen? You told her she meant nothing but yet you're calling her baby?

You were a fucked up person.

She wanted to hate you, but she couldn't.

Dogs are loyal to their owners. She wasn't going to leave. She was pathetic. A loser.

A loser who believes a girl who didn't see her as more than a fuck buddy would love her.

Ellie hopes you'll fall for her.

She hopes you listen to love songs and that you'd think of her.

Maybe the memories the two of you have created would consume you. Maybe you'd finally fall for her.

She tries to forget those memories, but she can't. The thought of you kills her.

You showed her love. You fucking cared for her when she was sick.

Surely it all wasn't platonic.

Maybe deep down you love her. Maybe you making her feel like shit was all apart of your plan to suppress your feelings for her.

Everything is a possibility at this point.

I'm all fucked up 'cause

I'm missing pieces

I'm all fucked up 'cause

I'm missing pieces

Ego dying

Loner island

I untied when

We went silent

Showed my colors

Stained the carpet

Not another

Fucking artist

Ellie is a puzzle.

She's incomplete without specific pieces.

Without her guitar, she felt empty. Without Joel she was lonely. Without you she felt like she had no purpose.

No matter how complicated Ellie was, no matter how fucked she was in the head you'd always show her love. Her dark thoughts went quiet, and her once dull life was filled with color because of you.

Ellie started drawing again after she quit years ago because you convinced her to try again.

You were the reason for her very being at this point. That's why she held on for so long. That's why she couldn't let go even though you made her feel like shit.

Ellie thought that she was going to stay in this toxic cycle for the rest of her life, and yes she would've if that meant a life with you.

But one day she woke up and everything around her was dull. There was no more color. No more excitement. When she was around you she felt tired. Drained.

You showed her the world but you destroyed it too.

She hated everything.

As much as she loved you she's had enough.

She has to take Jesse's advice and do what's best for her.

Here Ellie sat in front of the love of her life, telling you that this wasn't going to work.

"Ellie please" she heard your voice plead.

"I love you" Ellie muttered

"prove it" you said, frustration building up in you.

"Stay"

"I can't"

You were almost in tears. You were losing someone who helped you. You didn't love Ellie but she was of convince, she was there when you needed a quick fuck.

If she was just a quick fuck, then why does this hurt so much?

"Ellie if you love me you would stay"

"I love you i truly do, but i love myself too much to let you treat me like a bad dog"

<3

my pookie (the taglist): @hellorai

[unreleasedtaylorsongs]

Hey so, don’t do this!

I’m not dropping their URLs for obvious reasons (They’re both clearly newly made blogs anyway, possibly because they knew what they were doing was rude) but this is the absolute WORST attitude to have. There is so much to unpack here. and it’s kind of a bit comical. This got kind of long, so I’m putting the rest under a cut.

First off, just because you used the word ‘please’ does not mean you’re being nice or have any manners whatsoever. Second, asking a stranger you never talked to before for something, giving them a deadline of a few days, then telling them to ‘be quick’ and that you ‘need’ something from them is actually so so so insane. I learned that lesson when I was twelve, the first year I had access to the internet. Technically, I learned it before then, because the same rules apply in real life. You don’t talk to strangers that way in real life. Too many people online have this idea that societal rules, general kindness and basic empathy don’t apply once they go online, and it’s one of the worst things that has ever happened to the internet. Also, what the hell do you ‘need’ unreleased demos for? Like, genuinely. I can’t even come up with anything as a joke. And uh, “Girl I know you’re active.” Huh??? I don’t care that you know I’m active, I’m not giving you anything regardless of how chronically online I am since you came off so harsh and demanding right from the start. For the next message, I’m assuming they meant ‘pick up the pace’ which, again, is demanding something from a complete stranger who owes you nothing. So no, I’m not giving anything to anyone who feels entitled enough to demand something from a stranger so brazenly. No one in the unreleased community, or any community I can think of, is willing to share things that they have spent years collecting to someone who demands like this.

As for the second person, I’ll admit, I at least have to admire their dedication. A few messages (the screenshot doesn’t show all of them) spanning across two and a half weeks before they eventually gave up. Kind of like a crazy guy on Tinder constantly messaging someone who has ghosted them due to their obsessive behavior. And that’s what this is! Obsessive behavior! I get being obsessed with Taylor Swift and her unreleased stuff; I am too! But it is not normal to demand for someone’s entire library that they spent over a decade collecting, especially someone that you have never messaged before.

I’d like to add: I know I don’t own any of Taylor’s demos. None of the live recordings, remixes, unreleased, demos, or anything of the sort are truly mine. But that does not mean I didn’t put effort into getting them. So much of my library is ripped from YouTube way back in 2013 with a YouTube to MP3 converter, then dragging it into iTunes and editing the metadata track by track, then photoshopping and editing pictures so I can make album covers for them. Some of my audios are from Vimeo (does that even still exist?) and converted into MP3s. Some of my library is downloaded from Tumblr also over ten years ago from blogs that have since been deactivated. Some of my library comes from sketchy MediaFire files that I had to go through one of those weird shortened links that redirect you to the actual download page. I’ve used so many ad blockers and malware protection programs over the years to get so much into my library. And it’s not even easy to share either. Obviously it’s copyrighted, and although I have a personal Google Drive I keep a ton of backups in for half of the files on my computer, I don’t want that to get taken down if I share music through it, and it would. Even websites like Mega eventually (slowly) catches on and deletes your files and gives you a warning. A few of those and your account is gone.

I’m not trying to be rude, but I’m not rewarding awful behavior. I’ve done enough of that and have learned my lesson. I hope these kinds of people can learn, too. I truthfully think these kinds of people should spend a year or so doing it themselves: scouring the internet for carefully guarded files, having to go through the trial and error of this sort of hobby, having to go through the whole ‘malware or audio file’ game, possibly having people say they want to be friends with you just for them to leave once you send what you’ve collected. My point is that it’s not effortless. You do not google ‘Taylor Swift unreleased download’ and get everything I or other collectors have. And you do not get anything from said collectors by stalking their account to see if they’re active and telling them to ‘pick up the pace’ when they don’t send it in the time you allocated for them without their agreement. Just be respectful to those you want something from. Don’t use people. Be compassionate and considerate. Don’t be like… this.

[jumpywhumpywriter]

Hey, not sure if it’s recognizable but it’s the same anon who doesn’t know how to start messages. If you don’t mind me asking (I feel the need to ask permission for everything to be polite. Hope that’s not annoying. Also the need to use parenthesis to explain my actions like right now…I’ll stop), since I saw that it says you’re writing a fantasy book (I think, hopefully I’m not wrong), what’s it about? Feel free to share as much or as little as you like, I’m simply curious about it. Also also, somewhat unrelated, do you have any other favorite genres aside from Whump?

Again, feel free to answer as in depth or as curt as you want, I don’t mean to put pressure on you (people like talking about their works, right?). And also make sure you stay hydrated and take care of yourself and all that :)

-idk

Figured I’d leave a little tag as a little reference or something. Okay I’m going to stop before I start rambling-

Sorry it took so long to answer this one! I had to do a lot of writing for it. I'll TRY to give a summary of my in-progress trilogy, but it's pretty long since it's a full 3-book series and each book is HUGE and I've never been good at summarizing anyway LOL. But here goes!

The trilogy is about a teenager named Thomas whose dad mysterious died and whose brother Lucas went missing shortly after. Thomas is a hacker who is skilled with technology and is determined to track his brother down, convinced that he was kidnapped and needs saving. But every lead he finds comes to a dead end. He's dropped out of school and cut off his entire social life to dedicate more time to tracking down his missing brother.

Tanner, a close adult friend of his, worries about him getting into trouble and potentially going to prison since he has committed several felonies already by hacking into government databases during his search. So, he suggests seeking help from a friend of his. Only thing is... this friend isn't human. And she hates humans. But his secret friend (named Shadow) ALSO hates the same organization Thomas is trying to get in to, who has his brother Lucas. She is dangerous and powerful, and could be an incredibly valuable ally. She is one of the last survivors of a thought-to-be-extinct race called Falkry, with ancient powers. They were thought to have died off centuries ago, after Falley were hunted and slaughtered by the dozens by humans.

So with a mutual enemy, Tanner tries to get Shadow and Thomas together to talk, though Shadow wants nothing to do with it at first and despises Thomas (making many threats toward him in the beginning). She hates the fact that he is human, the same race that killed so many of her bloodline. She is ancient, supposed to be nothing more than a myth, a legend. She's one of the only survivors that exists. But eventually Tanner gets her on the team and together they manage to Lucas back.

Until a new stranger comes into play, someone just like Shadow. Which is strange since her species is supposed to be extinct. It leads into a mystery theme where Shadow is eager to discover this new stranger's identity, and *spoilor* it turns out to be her own brother (named Rowan) who died in her arms ages ago. But it turns out there was an enemy who found a way to bring him back to life to use him as a weapon, but he is corrupted, and is willing to fight Shadow to achieve his goal, which is to destroy the human city because humans are what got him killed in the first place.

And while Shadow HATES humans, she knows that if Rowan launches a large-scale attack on the city, it will spark a war between her kind and humans, and the humans have the numbers to finally make her species extinct for good. So it creates some internal conflict where Shadow is torn between not hurting her brother who she still loves, and stopping him to save the human city to prevent all-out war.

There is an epic battle at the end, where both Rowan and Shadow end up seriously injured, when Thomas appears and shoots a crazed Rowan to save Shadow -- but it doesn't work out like he expected, because then Rowan's focus shifts to killing HIM instead.

While Rowan's back is turned, Shadow gets up from where she'd been bleeding and broken on the ground -- and runs up to her brother, and kills him with her own dagger, finally accepting that he's too far gone to save. So her brother dies in her arms for a second time, shattering her heart with grief despite how much trauma and pain she's already endured.

After that, she decides to disappear from the map entirely, leaving Thomas and the human city to fly miles into the ocean to a lost island called Falkradia where her species used to exist before they were chased out by humans -- she wants to be alone, and be done with all the fighting and bloodshed. She partly blames Thomas for putting her in a situation where she had to choose between him and her brother in the first place, blaming him for forcing her to kill Rowan.

The island is hidden from all human radars and is surrounded by an eternal storm that shields it from view, a storm vicious enough to shred nearly any human vessel that tries to go through it to reach the island inside. So Shadow leaves the team Tanner helped put together.

This all takes place in book 1.

In book 2, to make it brief, a new threat arises that Shadow is one again recruited to help defeat, Tanner sending her a message via her close friend raven who knows how to fly through the storm and reach Falkradia to deliver the message to her asking for help.

Despite how morally-gray and careless Shadow is depicted as in book 1, she does show up to rejoin the team, though she is not enthusiastic about it.

A series of events occur after she comes back from ten island, but in the final battle against the overpowered foe... she dies to save Thomas. It has some powerful symbolism because up to this point Shadow has been very impassive and uncaring toward anyone, full of bitter anger and hatred, so no one knew she actually secretly cared about what happened to Thonas, who is her natural enemy as a human.

But Shadow still manages to kill her enemy right before she collapses in a final last act of good, and Thomas can't do anything but watch her slowly bleed out. Cue extremely sad death and drawn-out scene to rip reader's heart apart. The aftermath is tragic as the team grieves the loss of the morally-gray hero who gave her life to save and protect a human friend. (Okay, it wasn't as brief as I hoped oops)

In book three, a different kind of antagonist/protagonist plot develops, and it's a danger that Tanner, Thomas and the team know they would never stand a chance against on their own.

That's when Tanner reveals that he actually knows a way to bring back the dead. So they eventually agree to bring Shadow back after five long years of her being dead... but she isn't herself. She immediately starts attacking her friends the moment she is alive again, her mind and thoughts fractured from being dead for so long. And considering how dangerous she is, Thomas and friends have to find a way to take her down before she can kill them. And on TOP of that is the lingering anxiety surrounding the new threat they have to deal with, knowing that Shadow is likely the only one powerful enough to help destroy it -- IF they can get the legendary hero back, mind and soul included.

There is a LOT more details I left out for the sake of time, but these summaries hopefully give the vague gist of the stories (all 3 books in the trilogy are spectacularly lengthy so it's hard to give a good summary)

And my favorite genres aside from Whump is Science-Fiction & Fantasy

[exvangelicalrage]

Sin Is Fake

6/5/23

I realized something this week. Which is that I don't believe in sin. Obviously, I don't believe in a lot of things, including god, christianity, and literally anything, haha, but I realized this week that I'd been taking the idea of "sin" as a given.

The idea of sin has been a constant in my life since my birth; only a few weeks after we came home from the hospital, my parents had me "dedicated" in front of the church congregation, which is the protestant alternative to the catholic baby baptisms. Instead of saving your soul, however, it's merely a commitment by christian parents to "raise their child in the way he should go" or whatever. And in this case, that meant raising their child to believe they were inherently sinful and needed to be saved by jesus in order to go to heaven. 

I've long determined that people are not inherently sinful; that babies are not evil from the moment they are beget; that children do not need to plead forgiveness for imagined wrongs. 

But the idea that perhaps sin simply... doesn't exist at all? That is new.

When I was five, I kneeled next to my bed on the pink throw rug my great grandmother had given me, clasped my hands together, and said, "Dear jesus, please come into my heart and forgive me." As I said the words, there was a deep sense of "this is what I'm supposed to do in order to get to heaven." I hadn't quite put together the "I'm sinful and need to be forgiven" part, despite the emphasis on that during Sunday school and vacation bible school, but I knew the words and I said them and I meant them. 

But as I grew, it didn't take me long to fully understand what "sin" was. 

Sin was whining about chores. Sin was arguing with my brothers. Sin was being obstreperous. Sin was reading instead of cleaning my room. Sin was talking back to my parents. Sin was watching other kids get picked on in school and doing nothing. Sin was not wanting to do my homework. Sin was getting bad grades. Sin was not listening to the teacher. Sin was watching movies. And listening to secular music. And reading books with swear words in them.

Sin was doing anything that upset my parents for any reason. 

Sin was lack of total perfection.

Sin was making god mad.

I asked for forgiveness regularly. As a 7 year old. As a 10 year old. As a 12 year old. I knew my soul was irreparably blackened, and jesus was the only one who could cleanse me and guarantee my way into heaven. 

When I reached my teenage years, I continued to pray for forgiveness, but I tacked on an extra little request at the end of my prayers: "Please forgive me, and also, if you notice me doing something wrong, could you just let me know?"

"If I'm doing something and don't realize it's a sin, could you please point it out to me?"

"I'm not entirely sure quite what I'm doing wrong, but I know it must be something, so please forgive me even for stuff I don't realize is wrong."

It's a pretty heavy weight, to walk around thinking that you're perpetually committing grievous offenses but have no idea what they are. To believe that god is incessantly watching every movement, every choice, and every thought, and judging you accordingly. Especially as a child. And sure, the pastors said "his blood covers it all" but what does that even mean? And if his blood covers "it all" why couldn't we just be regular people? Why did we have to focus on being as perfect as possible? 

The thing is, though, the existence of sin is necessary to christianity. If humans weren't inherently "sinful" then what would the point of christianity be? Because if we weren't inherently sinful, nothing would be preventing us from accessing heaven. We wouldn't need jesus, we wouldn't need the bible, and most of all, we wouldn't need the church. 

Sin, at least in a christian context, is a direct and willful violation of god's will. But in order for it to be real, a.) god has to exist, and b.) we have to be able to determine what his will is—irrefutably. But since god (if he exists) hasn't provided a clear-cut directive... how can we possibly ensure that we aren't violating god's will? And if we can't know his will, we can't violate it on purpose.

Hence, sin is fake.

But if pastors, leaders, humans make clear-cut statements that say, "This is wrong and I know because god told me so," then they can claim that your violation of their commandments is sin, and in doing so, they strip access to heaven from you.

The idea of sin allows humans to control other humans. Even humans who don't believe in their ideology.

But if sin doesn't exist in the first place? That hill they're standing on is nothing but air.

To be clear, I think mistakes are real. I think we can do things that we wish we hadn't. I think we can cause harm. We can do things that upset or cause pain or discomfort toward other people, ourselves, or the world around us.

But sin? Nah.

I think I still carry this weight, even though I left christianity over a decade ago. 

It's clearest for me in this subconscious  pressure that suggests I'm "living a sinful lifestyle," despite the fact that even according to christian standards, my "lifestyle," as it were, is pretty innocuous. I'm straight & hetero, married and monogomous, donate and volunteer to causes, mind my own business most of the time. But I do swear. And read romance novels (with sex scenes *gasp*). And I'm not christian. Which all equals "sinful lifestyle" in my subconscious, I guess.

But there's a lot of freedom in being able to look an action in the face and say "What harm does this cause?" If the answer is "It causes no harm," I can move on with my life. And if the answer is "It causes this specific harm," then I can remediate to the best of my ability. 

Litter? I can donate to an environmental organization or pick up more trash than I dropped. 

Give voice to my internal biases, even unintentionally? Apologize immediately and truthfully. Or donate to an anti-racist/feminist/trans-inclusionary/disability activist organization if an apology isn't possible. Or all of the above! 

Steal something? Give it back. Pay for it. Go to jail. Whatever. Make amends.

There is freedom in accountability. There is freedom in taking responsibility for my misdeeds. I don't need jesus or christianity to "save" me. All I need to do is own up to my behaviors, decisions, and choices, and the consequences therein. 

I can make amends. All by myself. No penance, priest, or prayer necessary.

If everyone did this, instead of just "praying for forgiveness," I think the world would be a lot less shitty place.

-----

A not-exactly side note: 

If I'm being honest, I think this whole blog is partially about me trying to make amends in a way. It's also therapy through writing, an exploration of my feelings, and a process to think through some of the concepts and ideas that still nag at me. But I could do all of that without sharing it online.

The one thing I feel more guilty about than anything in my life, was the evangelism I did as a teenager. I talked down to other people. Tried to convince them they were evil. I built walls around myself, and judged everyone else as either "saved" or "unsaved." I roped people in, with music and a pretty smile and the threat of hell. 

I understand that I was still a child. And that the religion I wielded was placed into my hands by adults. That it's not entirely my fault. I know I was trying to do what was right. But I also feel strongly that I caused harm to those around me. Harm I regret to this day.

I made it out. But not without casualties.

It's a strange type of survivor's guilt.

So I'm hoping that writing out & sharing my experiences, feelings, and pain will maybe help somebody somewhere. I want to do something good that directly counteracts the harm I caused then. Maybe I can support someone leaving the church now, validate someone who is questioning, or offer logic, reason, and experience to help someone see the door. 

Maybe it'll help, maybe not. But it feels like the right thing to do.

[star-trekkin-across-theuniverse]

Worthy, pt13

part 1 & 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, part 10, part 11, part 12

__________

tags: @bolontiku, @rampant-salamander, @darkdragonpheonix , @440mxs-wife,  @castiels-sunflowers, @peekingsunshine, @alexakeyloveloki, @feelmyroarrrr

word count: 3712

__________

There’s only been a few times in my life when I’ve been desperate to become invisible. In eighth grade, when Jimmy McFadden found out I had a crush on him, he responded “That nerd? She wishes,” in front of most of the school before commenting on my jiggly bum. That wasn’t the part that made me want to vanish. It was when he said it was a shame I was such a nerd because I had “such excellent knockers”. That’s when I prayed for a hole to appear in the floor and suck me away because honestly, hell would have been preferable. And my boobs weren’t and still aren’t, that great. In senior year, the self-same boy, who’d become even more impossibly handsome, asked me to prom, but quickly announced that he’d only done it because he needed help studying for his chem final and figured if he showed me a good time, we’d both get something out of it. I wasn’t sure about how his plan to deflower me worked out to mutual benefit. But once again, I wanted to disappear into the ground, never to be seen again.

Once I hit college, I was able to retreat from social circles that were petty and indifferent to the emotional games that teenagers played, and I hadn’t had any further incidents of mortification. Until now, on learning I could potentially manipulate the emotions of those people around me. I was ashamed and embarrassed. What if every emotionally charged encounter in my life had only occurred because I had willed it into existence? Every first date that had gone well, or every one that had gone poorly, might have done so because I wanted it. Every man I’d ever been with flashed through my mind. It was a short slideshow, but what if they’d only been with me because I made them think they wanted it?

“Oh god,” I flinched. What if Bruce had only kissed me because my stupid college crush had resurfaced and forced him to? “Oh god. I have to go.” I stood up.

“We aren’t done yet, sunshine,” Lex put a hand on my shoulder and pushed me back on the exam table.

“No, I have to go. I can’t be around people. I need to be locked away from everyone so my feelings don’t affect them.” I stood back up.

“And yet, regardless of your determination to go, you aren’t forcing me to let you go with your brain. So sit the fuck down, and let’s finish this assessment.” She raised an eyebrow, like she was daring me to try to mess with her head.

“Maybe you’re immune,” I argued, “because Loki has affected you too.”

“Affected is an interesting word. Tainted might be better.” She looked over her shoulder, “does anyone out there feel an overwhelming urge to suit up and help Ella escape?” A chorus of negative answers returned. “See? We’re solid. Settle your boots.”

I relaxed just slightly, somewhat in awe of Lex Richmond. She had a different kind of confidence than I did, one that was tough. Like she’d been run through a gauntlet to get where she was. My confidence came from being told every day of my life that I could do and be whatever I wanted. I got the impression that Lex had fought for each accomplishment in her world. I suspected some people probably found her brusque, but I found her honest approach refreshing and reassuring.

She steered me toward the super swanky MRI she and Tony had developed, and I found that I was right. She was reassuring because she was honest.

“I don’t know how you feel about small spaces, but I fucking hate them. Unfortunately, MRIs need to be smallish in order to get a good image. We enlarged the space as much as we could but it wound up being just a few centimetres. There’s some clicking that happens in there, and the machine whirs, but if you tell me what kind of music you like, I can jack some tunes to you.” She made the explanation seem like a social chat. It relaxed me quite a bit.

She hadn’t told me about the super secret light show she and Tony had wired into the MRI, so while I listened to music, I got to watch a colour organ project colours across the inside of the machine. If anything, it was hard to remember not to bop my head to the music. The time past faster than I thought it should have. She led me back to the med lab and walked me over to a treadmill.

“So now we’re going to check your endurance. When this happened,” she gestured at her arm, “I was suddenly enhanced. I could run faster for longer with little effect on my general energy store. Since you’ve always been this way, I’m curious to see how you do.”

I snorted. “I can’t run for shit, Lex.”

“Show me,” she nodded at the treadmill. I hopped on and let her get me started. And of course, she started me way too fast. I slowed the machine down and kept it to a brisk walk. She raised an eyebrow but at my returned glare, said nothing. I kind of wished it was one of those swanky treadmills with the TV attached because I hated being social when I was sweating, but staring at the wall was also really boring. The stupid thing could have at least faced the window so I could look out over the city. After ten minutes I was feeling kind of done, and said so. Lex laughed and shook her head.

“This is an endurance test. And you’re walking, not running. So you can either choose to run, which will burn you out faster, or keep walking all night,” she laughed. I gaped. “I know. Bitchiest doctor that ever lived in bitchy doctor land, right?”

“Something like that,” I huffed, but I increased the speed on the treadmill. Not quite to a run, as I wasn’t sure my heart would take the shock. I had done next to nothing other than sit in a lab during my Master’s studies.

“What’s your sport?” She asked.

“I don’t have one.” It wasn’t actually true. I’d been on a rep soccer team during high school and my undergrad was on a soccer scholarship.

“I don’t buy it,” she disagreed.

“She had a full ride for soccer in college,” Tony offered from across the room. I scowled in his direction.

“This should come back then,” Lex laughed, and bumped the speed up so I was jogging. I grunted and lurched forward into a run. The thing about soccer was it was short bursts of really intense exertion. I was not a distance runner. I could do bursts of speed, but I had put on weight during the last few years, and I was out of shape, so I doubted those bursts of speed would really be considered speedy. I settled into a slow jog and focused on a spot on the wall, and let the soundtrack that was constantly running in my head take over, tuning everything around me out. I wasn’t paying any attention to Lex when she pressed the stop button, and I stumbled a little on the slow down, but didn’t quite lose my balance.

“I thought you said this was endurance?” I asked. Lex nodded at the clock on the treadmill with an eyebrow quirked. It said sixty minutes.

“How long was I running?” I asked, double-checking the clock. Yeah, it said sixty minutes.

“Fifty minutes. At 5 miles per hour. So I’d say you’ve got some endurance left. You should consider taking running up,” she suggested.

“You say that to everyone,” Tony snorted. “Lex is desperate for running buddies. I think she might be bored of Steve.” Lex smacked Tony in the arm, laughing.

“That’s not true!” She protested. “About Steve, anyhow. I do like having new running partners though.”

“I’m not going to start running. I like sitting. And feeling my ass get bigger.” I stepped off the treadmill and sat down on the nearest chair to illustrate my point. “Only thing missing right now is some ice cream.” Lex shook her head and handed me a bottle of water.

“Use your imagination,” she teased. I stuck out my tongue and reached for the towel on the crossbar of the treadmill to wipe myself off.

XXX

I’d managed to escape for a shower while Lex crunched the data on my assessment. I wrapped myself in one of the super plush awesome towels I’d purchased and padded across my room to get dressed when a voice interrupted me.

“Ms. Carmichael, Dr. Richmond would like to see you in the med lab.” The crisp British accent startled me. I shrieked and jumped into my closet. “Your heart rate has just accelerate, Ms. Carmichael. Should I assume you haven’t read your suite orientation manual?”

“I skimmed it!” I argued.

“In that case, I am J.A.R.V.I.S., the artificial intelligence Mr. Stark has programmed, primarily for his benefit. I am, however, in use throughout the tower, and can see to any needs you may have as they arise. Which includes forwarding messages like the one I just passed on.”

“Right. Uh, thanks?”

“That is not necessary, but you are welcome, Ms. Carmichael.”

“Okay.” I stepped out of the closet. “You can’t see me, can you?”

“No, visual monitoring would be a violation of your right to privacy in your own home,” it (he?) responded.

“But you can monitor my vital signs?”

“For your safety only, Ms. Carmichael.” I couldn’t help but look at the ceiling when it spoke. I dropped my towel and dressed hastily, not quite believing that there was no video link, but deciding if there was video, it was because everyone at Stark Industries was destined to see me naked, or in some state of undress. I hurried out of my suite and back to the med lab.

“Did you know there’s an AI in the ceiling? Creepy as hell.” I asked Lex as I walked through the door. I didn’t realize Tony and the gang were still hanging around, until I heard Tony stifle a laugh. I shot him a dirty look and turned back to Lex. “So?”

“You have some clear differences from Loki, which makes sense, as you aren’t a clone. And you and I have some pretty clear differences as well. I’m significantly stronger than you. But your intelligence is off the charts,” Lex offered.

“We didn’t do any intelligence testing.” I was confused.

“Tony might have hacked some networks to get some extra information. Did you know that you qualified for Mensa when you were, like, six?”

“Yes.”

“Did you know they rescinded your qualification when you were nineteen because they decided you must have cheated?” She pressed.

“No. But it doesn’t surprise me. I rewrote every exam in first year for the same reason until the college decided that I had to write all my exams in a private room.”

“That didn’t bother you?” She asked.

“After high school? No. The academic advisory panel approached it like they were looking out for both our interests, and I agreed. It ensured there was no dishonesty on either side,” I shrugged. “It meant I didn’t have to keep worrying about rewriting exams.”

“That’s a remarkably calm response,” she raised an eyebrow, as though she didn’t believe I could be zen about anything.

“Just because Loki has self-control issues doesn’t mean I do. My mother is the calmest, coolest person I’ve ever met. I do have half her DNA, you know.” I couldn’t help but laugh. Lex broke into a wide grin.

“You know, that’s so true. I can’t help but focus on the Loki in you, but your mum must be pretty remarkable to have attracted his attention. You’ll have to fill me in on the story,” Lex leaned back against a counter and scribbled some notes on her tablet, “but another time.”

“Sure. In the meantime, can I go? I have a ton of work to catch up on.” I had found all the testing pretty invasive, and really wanted some time in the lab, alone with my thoughts, to build stuff. Lex didn’t say no, so I took the opportunity to leave, heading down to the Starbucks in the lobby for an enormous cup of coffee before heading to the lab.

XXX

I was alone in the lab. It was beautiful. I had half expected some of the night-labbers to be hanging around, but it was eerily quiet. I accessed the online radio and set up some music to break up the silence as I worked on the water reclamation miniaturization. My parents had always teased me about being born in the wrong decade, and I was completely thrilled to find a Big Band music station. The speaker on my desk was set at the perfect level to not interfere with my work; not so loud that it irritated me, and not so quiet that it was distracting. I tapped my foot and pulled my magnification glasses back down. Tony had dropped a set of customized tools off for me before I’d headed home and I was astonished and pleased with how well they fit my hands.

I must have lost track of the time as I worked, but I realized I was sitting in silence again. The playlist on the radio station had been about three hours. I flicked through the screen and found another similar playlist and hit play. The familiar strains of one of my favourite torch songs filled my space and without realizing it, I started singing along. Singing was my guilty pleasure. It released stress, and made me happy. In light of the discovery earlier in the day, it was probably a good idea I keep singing. It would at least have the side effect of making the people around me happy.

“Is there anything you can’t do?” A voice pulled me out of the tiny space my vision had tunneled down on. It took a minute before my eyes acclimated to the dark lab space after staring down on my backlit workbench. I pushed the magnification glasses up to the top of my head.

“Bruce,” I breathed. “Uh, hi.”

“Tony said he could hear you singing and that he couldn’t help but smile. I could use some happy,” he apologized.

“How did he –“ I paused, “Nevermind. J.A.R.V.I.S, can you block the audio feed from this lab?”

“Certainly, Ms. Carmichael,” it responded. “And activate override block protocols,” Bruce added. I quirked an eyebrow at him. “So Tony can’t just override your request unless he comes down and does it from here.” He explained.

“Of course, Dr. Banner.” The AI sounded almost sentient; the tone it spoke in was so familiar and friendly. I began to clear away my mess and realized my project drawers were cluttered and messy, and half the reason I’d wanted to work was to tidy them. I emptied the debris out of the reclamation apparatus drawer onto the top of my desk and stowed it. As Bruce watched in what appeared to be horrified awe, I cleared out my drawers and began organizing parts and components in the small storage containers that Markus had left on my desk before the weekend in a subtle suggestion that I needed to better organize myself.

“How do you get anything done?” He asked.

“A clean desk is a sign of a diseased mind,” I retorted, flicking various screws into containers according to size. Bruce leaned back against the desk beside me, his arms crossed over his chest. I felt like I was being graded, or somehow measured. “You can’t fail me in this lab, Doctor.” I winked. He chuckled. It was a low rumble, warm and friendly.

“To be honest, Tony is more disorganized than you are. You might win the intelligence leg of this triathlon though.” He pushed off the edge of the desk and stepped over to look at my various piles of supplies. “You have plans for all this?”

“Hell no, I always over-order and then just return stuff to distribution. Saves me having to reorder during a project,” I laughed.

“And one of the stores trolls hasn’t come to kill you in your sleep? They have to recount every single one of those million teeny screws when you return them, you know.”

“I’m sure they have a sorter or a counter or something. I’m not going to mess around with having to worry about lot numbers and compliance and quality control issues by having to reorder,” I shook my head and shrugged.

“I think Tony might be the only one who gets away with that,” Bruce warned me.

“Well, no one has come to stab me in the eye yet.” I snapped the lid on a container and pulled out the deep drawer at the bottom of my desk. Bruce let out a low whistle. “That’s impressive, Ella.”

He squatted down beside the drawer and lifted a few containers out of the drawer. My real dirty secret, despite how slobby Markus though I was, was that I wasn’t slobby at all. My materials were all managed and labeled when they were not in use. My desk was only a mess when I was mid-project.

“There’s a lot of spare parts here,” Bruce commented.

“I keep enough to rebuild every component I’ve actively worked on in a six month period. Don’t tell anyone. I like to cultivate the messy genius mystique.” I took the containers back and carefully placed them in their original spots. I wasn’t sure if Bruce had noticed that they were in part number order, and I wasn’t sure I wanted him to know. I dropped a piece of paper on the stacks to separate them from what I was going to add, so I didn’t have to figure out where to start the next time I was in the lab.

“Can I buy you dinner?” Bruce suddenly asked. I lost my grip on the drawer and slammed it shut by accident, startling both of us.

“Sorry!” I exclaimed. Bruce cringed.

“I’m sorry. Of course you wouldn’t. I’m probably close to twenty years older than you.” He pushed his hand through his hair and began to back away. I grabbed his arm to stop him.

“You might be ten years older than me. Maybe?” I reassured him. “I’m starving. So I hope you meant right now.”

“Reassure me I’m not robbing the cradle first.” He looked so uncomfortable that I couldn’t help but smile.

“My thirtieth birthday is in three weeks.”

“Oh. You’re much older than you look,” he blurted. “I’m sorry. I mean, you look quite youthful.”

“I’m half Jotun teenager, it’s okay to say I look young.” I realized my hand was still on his arm. “In fact, I’ll even be flattered when you tell me I look young when we’re old and grey.” What was wrong with me? Why would I say something so bold and outrageous to him before we’d even made it through one date? I wanted to fade into a corner, and melt into a pool, and ooze down an air vent to get away.

“Maybe we should get through dinner first.” His smile was awkward, but not unfriendly. I laughed uncomfortably. In the weird silence that followed my stomach growled loudly. We both laughed and the strange moment was over. “Before your stomach unleashes the Other Guy, even.”

“Sounds like a plan,” I agreed and we headed to the elevator.

Bruce led me out into the warm night, and stopped and looked in both directions, deep in thought. “Three blocks that way is some of the best Thai you’ll ever eat. Six blocks the other way is a great burger place.” My eyes fell on the hot dog cart across the street.

“I’ve never had street meat in New York City,” I tugged him toward the sidewalk. He looked at me, his brow wrinkled in surprise.

“This isn’t really a first date, Ella,” Bruce protested.

“I’d argue our first date was when you kissed me,” I winked, and slipped my hand in his and pulled him across the street. I stopped in front of the street vendor and flashed my best smile. The guy grinned back.

“What’ll it be for you, prinzessa?” He was every hot dog cart street vendor trope I’d ever seen in a TV show. I brought my hands to my face to mask my excitement.

“Just a hot dog and a diet Coke, I guess,” I ordered and tilted my head at Bruce. “He’s buying.” I told the guy all the stuff I wanted on it, and greedily took it from him. Before Bruce could even pay for it, I’d taken a huge bite. So good.

“You’re going to pay for this later,” Bruce shook his head and took a bite from his hot dog. I shook my head and sat on the nearest bench.

“No. So good, so worth it.” I looked up at the tower and shook my head. The hot dog, the dream job, the high school crush buying me dinner. Some weird balance in the universe was trying to make up for my dubious parentage, at any rate. There was something so ordinary and nice about sitting there with Bruce, eating hot dogs and saying nothing. Like I wasn’t the daughter of a god, and he wasn’t the incredible Hulk. Like we were completely normal, albeit genius level intelligence, people. I sighed and took a sip from my drink. Bruce’s arm snaked around my shoulder and he leaned over and kissed my forehead. I slid my bum closer on the bench and leaned against him.

“You sure this isn’t a first date?” His voice broke the quiet peace between us.

“Why?” I laughed.

“Because it’s the kind of first date we’ll talk about when we’re old and grey.” His voice rumbled in his chest. I looked up at him, a little bit surprised. He’d seemed so cautious while we were still in the tower. He dipped his head and his lips met mine.

[firespirited]

Here are my lines in the sand at least for now.

My biggest concern is accidentally causing pain which is why I wanted to mull stuff over and why I'd rather dip my toe in very slowly. You might have read that as judgement but it really is about me not wanting to use the wrong name or pronouns, say something distressing or upset people who have strong stances while also getting over old fears of walking on eggshells and shame spiralling.

Here goes:

1/ Companions and voices in your head exist, and who am I to question how you make sense of being weird as a fellow weirdo? Endogenic systems are not role-play but if you have any control I'd much prefer to only interact with the primary. Why? Because we don't know each other that well.

2/ Traumagenic systems from childhood when you don't control your personality shifts are legit. In this case I would totally be willing to put in the work to accommodate alters. In the same way that meeting new people involves learning what to warn for and what pronouns to use: DM me, let's get to know each other. - DID in CPTSD and BPD is real but if at all possible I'd like to interact with the primary or be given a heads-up (the way my other friends do about grumpy days, pain days, etc) so I don't put my foot in it.

Like all friendships, we start out with good faith and you see how much you can trust me with and if it works out you can trust me with more. In the same way, I don't owe disclosure about my life events and painful feelings to people I've just met. We're cool, we'll build on that, then build some more.

3/ I'm not willing to take any stances on what is and isn't harmful, healthy, valid or be part of the syscourse or writing, art and sex work discourse. There are too many grey areas and special cases to make blanket statements. People are complicated: books-full of nuance are required.

If you ask me about whether writing about X is bad or claiming to be Y is bad: I'm going to write a whole thesis about the medical/social models of disability, the carceral mindset and rehabilitative justice because we can't do one without considering the others.

4/ This blog isn't safe for children and won't be split into sideblogs: I work on toys while i'm processing political events and watching grown up media and these things all go together. I'm an adult collector who will point out sexual references and political failings in manufacture. I can tag for triggers of course, but the toy industry is dirty and there are plenty of child safe options for doll opinions and creation.

5/ I can't stop people from taking my work or tagging it with things they project onto it but I do have the right to block or message you if it's out there in the open and disturbing: No it's not flattering that you've chosen someone's work as your sexy role-play avatar, your eating disorder inspiration or that someone's collection makes you feel like you're five.

In the case of age regression: we have a conflict of needs. Tumblr is full of people who are judged for embracing small joys like colourful clothes, fandom, crafts and toys. Choices that are acts of adult rebellion in a painful world.

Someone who says "you're so childish I don't think you can make adult decisions" and someone labelling your grown up, tax paying, hard-earned collection as [insert child based aesthetic] feels very similar and it's also going against the message: the point is that you can be a grown up and enjoy things, in fact that's what's being a grown up is for: you get to choose to do nice things for yourself, surround yourself with nice stuff in whatever space and time you can carve out from surviving. Please don't, not because agere is wrong but because it's projecting something about the OP that's counter to what they're trying to put out to the world. 

6/ I’m open to conversation and learning. However, it’s ok to have boundaries and set boundaries for things your friends are sensitive to: it’s a delicate balance. Please assume good faith. Not taking a hard stance is not outright rejection/embrace of stuff: it’s saying I don’t know enough to have an educated opinion or I think there’s too much nuance to fit into a single sentence.

[flaringfoxsoul03]

Hullo, I’d like to request a One Piece matchup with a man 20+ years.

My pronouns are Xe/Xem/Xirs and I’m a Gemini/Cancer Moon and an INFJ-A.

Personality-wise I’m always striving to be thoughtful, creative, equitable, and appreciative of other’s differences. I’m autistic and have schizoaffective disorder but have found the right cocktail of pills to keep me functioning well. When my social battery is low and/or I’m talking to strangers I’m cautious and a little terse, but once I let my walls down and get a positive reception I loosen up considerably and can infodump and listen to other’s interests for hours.

I’m a very avid friend; I often give gifts to those close to me in my social circle and check up on them often offering whatever support I can. The closer I am to my friend the more I want to platonically cuddle but will refrain if it makes them uncomfortable. I do my best to surround myself with people who are kind, caring, and supportive along with a healthy dose of like mindedness.

My love languages are gift giving, quality time, and physical touch.

My interests include solarpunk, writing, drawing, sewing, crafting, swimming, reading, learning languages/linguistics, sociology, category theory, and psychology.

Some of my likes are weighted, minky blankets, the colours yellow, magenta, cyan, and brown, teeth/fangs, ferrets, raspberries, oversized sweaters, and ladybugs.

I dislike loud and/or sudden noises, strong perfumes and scents that aren’t food, and unwelcome touch. I abhor cruelty, arrogance, and willful ignorance.

Does my question button work now?? I literally cannot see it myself so I question it’s existence… But I since my asks button works just fine, I will require everyone from now on to refer to my Masterlist/Guidelines from now on. If you do not see your request within the next week of making it, please dm/pm me to confirm your ask made it through. I will reiterate this again in my next update to my pinned post.

You’re putting me into quite a pickle here Anon, it’s a pirate’s world after all. Creatures tend to be violent, but let’s see if this matchup works well for you…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I match you with…

Smoker!

——————————

Now, this is a bit of a peculiar meet. It’s not everyday that you get kidnapped by a ragtag group of pirates trying to use you as leverage in order to supply themselves for the GrandLine. Unfortunately but fortunately for you, they don’t get everyday when they’re all engulfed in smoggy smoke that propels far away from you. Captain Smoker meets you coughing up a fit trying to get used to the putrid smell of cigar smoke as the man who just saved you is smoking two at once. Not a great start as you run away in order to breathe cleaner, less polluted air. Not being able to be in the same area as him, you simply write a letter of thanks and give it to a wandering stationed marine asking it be delivered to him. It took awhile, but you guys did eventually start talking

First thing this man does is take one of his officers, Tashigi, to help him find a subtle yet effective cologne to wear around you. He doesn’t want you to be overly caught up on what he smells like, so he tries his hardest to not smoke around you and not smell strongly of any aroma products. But you have to be able to give him some slack here and there, his Devil Fruit is literally smoke, he can’t help that. You might be able to forgive him here and there, but the smell thing I see is your only problem that you might have fights about, at least in the beginning

After that barrier was crossed, you have a very loyal yet workaholic man for a partner. He doesn’t try to do anything that may jeopardize his position with the Marines, but you’re definitely are going to have to get some help with Tashigi to get him to spend time with you as a date or two if he’s too caught up in work. Outside of that, he’s very dedicated in making sure you’re very much appreciated in his life. Spoils you here and there, but it’s mostly that quality time he loves the most

However, his work in the Marines puts him out to sea when you both least expected it. No one was really expecting another ragtag group to cause the commotion that they did. However, this did lead to your first separation with Smoker. He was far too determined to capture those pesky pirates in order to think about the damage it would cause to your relationship with him. Don’t worry, this isn’t where your story ends!

He only left with a letter and a weighted blanket in his absence that smelled of him in a not so horrible way. He write that he must pursue the pirates that were in town not too long ago, the fellow Marines would take care of you in his absence. However, I believe this would only cause you to create greater personal growth. This will effectively allow you to join ranks of the Marines due to the fact that you were able to take on small crowds of rowdy pirates all by yourself, but you definitely need more training to really hone in on those skills

When you see Smoker again, he’s a Commodore from the Alabasta incident. This is probably where you get into your second fight, the ignorance of your relationship and the arrogance in the belief that you weren’t able to handle it. It gets heated, but by the end, you’ve both worked something out as you literally went the stretch to train and be able to be stationed under his hand and the rest of the G-5 crew. He’s not going to make the same mistake twice now since he’s gotten a bit more information to work with and got his head repeatedly bashed in with the information Tashigi and Captain Hina that he can’t dump his partner for work and expect it to be normal. His defense in his case was that you were not strong enough to protect yourself in the GrandLine and didn’t wish any harm to come to you, but least he’s getting a second chance

Admires you for your intellect and strategies that you come up with to defeat or interrogate your opponent. Since you’re a pacifist of a person, you rely on your words being the most effective tool in your arsenal to prod and poke at the minds of pirates in order to stop them in their paths, ultimately hindering themselves useless to a pair of cuffs you place on them. He doesn’t outwardly approve, he ends up agreeing with this method if said criminals are worthy in his eyes for redemption. Rehabilitation of former criminals is often on his mind, he’s just not sure he’s the right guy to lead that project forward

Doesn’t mind that you often are hanging out with other crew members instead of him, he trusts you completely and truly and would never question your loyalty to him. But really does cherish moments when you’re sleeping together or just relaxing in the ocean breeze. It’s rare that he ever does relax, but it’s you we’re talking about. He’s willing to commit to you, you are one of the only people who understands him and vice versa. You can keep a conversation about what you’re studying going and he wouldn’t get annoyed, he even finds himself implementing those tactics you talk about into his combat and finds great results in them. He will be forever in debt to you, the person that changed his life from the moment he walked in on it

Most would think that you’re couple dynamic is rough and cruel, but in truth they’ll find that you are the good cop needing that push for a better outcome and him the bad cop needing someone to regain him in and show him another method. You will have fights, but more importantly, you will be able to overcome it together as partners, hilariously enough, in crime

=================

The follow ups are:

Charlotte Katakuri

And

Trafalgar Water D. Law

===================

That’s all folks, until next time!

~Fox

[l0vergirlie]

“It’s like catching lightning, the chances of finding someone like you.”

I knew from the moment that I met you that you were going to be a huge part of my life. It was just this feeling of even though my life was great the way it was, you were a missing part I never knew I needed. It was easy to add you into my life because it felt like it already had room for you.

On our first date it was so easy to just exist and be myself with you. I didn’t have to worry about if I said the wrong thing or if I was being boring. Things were so easy, and that didn’t stop on the next date or the next time I saw you.

I stopped writing things about and for current partners a long time ago. Writing was hard in the first place, because there was no drive for putting things down on paper, and any time I tried, I hated everything I wrote. But I’ve wanted to write so many feelings and things I want to say.

I can’t wait to get to know you more. I want to learn as much as I can about you. Learning about you is one of my favorite things, and it’s like learning more about my favorite book. I want to know everything I can know. I want to know where you dream of vacationing, the foods you want to try, and the things you want to see. I want to know what movies you’re excited for and would watch over and over again. I want to know what you think about when you fall asleep at night and day dream about when you’re at work.

I love that breakfast is your favorite food, and that your favorite color is green. I love that you love Spider-Man and nerdy things like me. I love how you look when you’re cuddling with the dogs, and how you genuinely love and care for them and want to give them the best lives you can. I love how passionate you are about what you do and are always willing to help. I love how you care so deeply for the people on your life. I love your goofy sense of humor and how you make me laugh. I love how you make me feel beautiful, especially when I don’t feel like it. I love when you make me laugh. I love that you really listen to me and remember the little things about me, you make me feel so seen and heard, and it’s been a really long time since someone has. I love that you read my writing and I didn’t have to ask you to. (I also love that you tell me that you enjoy it, and it made me cry)

I just love you. And I’m so excited to continue finding things I love about you and I’m excited to continue falling in love with you and be on this journey together. I’m so excited for the games we’re going to play together, for the memories we’ll make playing dnd, for the places we’ll go and the things we’ll see, for the moments we’ll share with friends and for the ones we’ll have between us.

I’m not quite ready to tell you I love you, yet. A part of me is scared, a part of me wants to tell you when you’re ready, and a part of me wants to enjoy the time getting to know you more first and really process my love for you more. But I do know that I do, especially with how special this is, and I never thought I’d ever find someone like you. I very much do love you, and I’m excited for when I get to tell you every day.

[punkscowardschampions]

Ruster pt.3

Rio: If I could, I’d have you in my life like that, it isn’t fair to make that me doing that when it’s just impossible

Buster: I’d make all of it my business, make myself however unpopular, that’s what it means to be on your side all the time, to have your best interests at heart instead of taking a passing interest in the things you don’t deem too personal

Rio: That doesn’t include me asking you to give up your family, how could I ever do that to you

Buster: You wouldn’t, but if I had to do it without being asked, then that’s my decision

Rio: You don’t have to, you said it, we can have it all

Buster: Nothing is impossible, you shouldn’t say that

Rio: But we don’t have to think of that right now

Rio: it’s only a maybe, if people found out

Buster: Options exist, that’s how I think

Rio: I just don’t want this ruined by attempts to be 5 steps ahead when we should be enjoying now

Buster: Now is ruined by you believing I’m a patronising twat

Rio: Behaving like isn’t being

Rio: Can’t we call a truce now?

Buster: You tell me

Rio: I don’t want you at arm's length

Buster: Where do you want me?

Rio: By my side

Buster: Unless your dad’s on the other

Rio: He isn’t

Buster: And I’m not going to hit him if he is, I do have some self-control 

Rio: You have the most of anyone I know

Buster: Losing it wasn’t an option

Rio: I know

Rio: but you can with me

Buster: Can I?

Rio: I’m not going anywhere

Buster: The truce could, I want it to last

Rio: Even if we argue, I still care about you, want the best for you, you don’t need to doubt that ever

Buster: I don’t know how to walk on eggshells, I doubt I’m capable

Rio: You don’t have to

Buster: Don’t I?

Rio: Buster, I get it

Rio: but how often are we realistically discussing my dad?

Buster: If you’re being realistic, don’t pretend your dad is the beginning and end of the problem

Rio: Do we have to agree on everything?

Buster: No, but on the important things, we should

Rio: What are the important things?

Buster: It’s more important for you to tell me my place and keep me there than it is to make space for me

Rio: No it’s not

Buster: Something else we don’t agree on then

Rio: If that’s how I’ve made you feel

Rio: then it’s for the best we leave this

Buster: You’re always quick to tell me that’s for the best, how else am I supposed to feel?

Rio: I’m not going to see you treated like that, no more than I’m willing to be the one doing it

Rio: If that’s how it is then I have to see how it happened

Buster: But you’re willing to give up?

Rio: I clearly don’t know how to do this, treat you right

Buster: How is walking away better?

Rio: Better than putting you in a box until I need you?

Buster: Than trying

Rio: I am trying, I have been this whole time

Buster: Stop trying to leave me when I need you too

Rio: Just tell me I’m not a terrible person please

Buster: I’ve told you, you’re my favourite person, repeatedly

Rio: Still?

Buster: I clearly can’t turn it on and off

Rio: Don’t sound that devastated about it

Buster: I’m not, but I’m devastated you’re not here, we wouldn’t be talking ourselves into bullshit knots if we were in the same room

Rio: It’s so simple when we let it be

Buster: And frustrating when I don’t

Rio: Seeing you and you not talking to me properly is a specific kind of torture only you can inflict on me

Buster: It’s still the worst, arguably, but this is up there, not being able to see you until [however long]

Rio: I was sure you were going to tell me not to come

Buster: No, I can’t let myself do that

Rio: I promise I’ll show no matter what

Buster: You have to

Rio: Even if all you want to do is fight with me in person, I’d rather that than not be with you 

Buster: All I want to do is make up with you in person

Rio: I have to make you believe how much I want you in my life

Buster: Show me

Rio: I’m going to post so everyone knows I’m spending the entire time with you

Rio: and I’m asking you to come visit before my birthday

Buster: You know I’d visit every weekend before your birthday if that’s what you want

Rio: Of course it is

Rio: I want to see you whenever we can

Buster: I’ll be there whenever I can

Rio: Be my best friend

Buster: I’ll be your new boyfriend

Rio: Do you mean it?

Buster: You can be my first girlfriend, there’s nobody else I’d rather have

Rio: You’re going to be my last boyfriend

Rio: I’ve never wanted anything else

Buster: I’m going to visit next weekend and take you on a date

Rio: Sleepover too, you don’t need to be alone at yours 

Rio: Where are we going, is it a surprise?

Buster: Where we go depends on what I find to dress you in when we’re shopping

Rio: How pretty you can make me

Buster: But I’ll definitely buy you something for the sleepover

Rio: I bet you have the softest pyjamas

Buster: You can borrow them after the party

Rio: I better avoid using body paint for my costume then

Buster: I bitterly regret not being the kind of rich cliche who has everything they own monogrammed, you’d look beautiful wearing my initials on you

Rio: Real oversight

Rio: Going to have to fix that for you, that’s a present down though

Buster: Do you need all of my measurements?

Rio: Tempting

Rio: but I bet I can guess, which is also a fun game so I’m torn

Buster: Fun to guess right, potentially lethal to my ego should you overestimate

Rio: I’ve spent a lot of time studying you

Buster: Feel free to estimate roughly how much time, I won’t be upset about any incorrect guesses or maths there

Rio: [do make a guess that’s giving forever based on how old you are, how often etc, using some maths I’m not doing thank you]

Buster: As I expected, upset isn’t the word

Rio: You don’t need to worry for your ego, you’re the definition of perfect

Buster: Were a picture of me in the dictionary for that purpose, I’d be stood next to you

Rio: I don’t know what to do with a boyfriend this charming, not going to lie

Buster: You may not know what to say, but you know exactly what to do

Rio: True

Rio: being able to stop when we have to is going to be the issue

Buster: Even more true

Rio: You can talk to me every day, that’s a girlfriend perk

Buster: All day and all night

Rio: Whenever you need and whenever you want

Rio: no need to pretend otherwise now

Buster: No going back to pretences 

Rio: I can’t

Buster: How did we keep such bullshit up for so long?

Rio: It felt necessary, everything felt more important than it’s been shown to be

Buster: Life’s too short

Rio: It was the catalyst, to go for it

Rio: but you know it runs so much deeper, further back than anything else, don’t you

Buster: Yeah, further back than a dare, despite that being another catalyst

Rio: Exactly

Rio: We haven’t had a collective breakdown, no one can accuse us of that

Buster: Folie a deux could be thrown around, but I know I’m not delusional

Rio: Maintaining it for this long, through the changes that have happened to us both, it has to count for something

Buster: That, and you are stunning, I challenge anyone to so much as half-heartedly disagree with me, even to try and prove a point

Rio: How is it fair that I’m not supposed to acknowledge your attractiveness when I’ve been around it the longest

Buster: It’s unfair and you’ve been so good for ages

Buster: I’m proud of you, everyone should be

Rio: As long as you’re proud of me, I don’t care how anyone else feels about it

Buster: I am, very

Rio: 🥺

Rio: You make me proud 

Buster: I haven’t resisted a single temptation, you know that I can’t

Rio: I want you to give in to them, only with me

Buster: With you and for you, all of it

Rio: I feel like any minute now this is all going to be taken from me

Rio: I’m dreaming or you’re joking

Buster: But it won’t and we’re not, this is yours

Buster: to keep

Rio: You are, mine

Buster: You’re mine, I’m older, I saw you first

Rio: I bet your eyes weren’t even open, boy

Buster: Of course they were

Rio: Mhmm, and you were walking and talking too, wonderchild

Buster: Not yet, but before you

Rio: You’re gonna make this a competition, now?

Rio: I will scroll that far back on our mamas’ socials, don’t test me 

Buster: Do it, I’ll win

Rio: You’ll owe me the time I can’t get back

Buster: You’ll beat Nancy, then again, your newborn sister’ll learn to read before she does, so

Rio: Don’t be mean

Buster: Why not? She owes me more than scrolling time I can’t get back

Rio: She can’t help being dyslexic, there’s plenty else she can that you could comment on

Buster: Fine, but I’m not convinced she wouldn’t fake dyslexia for the attention

Buster: it’s supposed to run in families but surprise, surprise, none of us have a diagnosis

Rio: If anything you’d be impressed by the dedication to the con at this point

Buster: It’d be an explanation of where her dedication has been going, yeah, because there’s no evidence anywhere else

Rio: You know you’re ahead of the curve, you said so earlier

Rio: I’m sure she’ll work it all out before she needs to

Buster: And I was as a baby, I should’ve insisted you make a proper bet

Rio: You know you can have anything from me

Buster: I wish we could both have that time back, do things differently from the first chance we had

Rio: I know

Rio: Maybe we would have broken each other’s hearts

Buster: There’s still that maybe now

Rio: Of course, it’ll always be there but I mean, we could hate each other by now

Buster: I could never hate you

Rio: I couldn’t bear that, don’t, no matter what

Buster: Honestly, even in a hypothetical where I wanted to, once I’ve calmed down, I can’t, I understand you too well, why you chose to do whatever you did, how your mind works

Rio: You know me better than anyone, that can’t be broken or taken away

Rio: My other boyfriends, I feel like even the best of couldn’t say ten true things about me

Buster: Your other boyfriends aren’t worth mentioning, nor worthy of the title itself, none of them were ever going to be good enough for you

Rio: I’ve barely had any in the way you’re thinking, anyway

Rio: it was just kids stuff, harmless fun

Buster: You had [her last bf, his name wrong again]

Rio: [correct him again like yes lmao]

Buster: Did you love him?

Rio: It’s hard to say

Rio: Maybe a little, or in a way that’s platonic or something like that

Rio: not like my mama loved Johnny or your parents were in love though, not like that

Buster: Meaning no, you didn’t

Rio: I don’t want you to think I felt nothing for him and slept with him anyway

Rio: Is it that black and white? It just wasn’t intense as all that

Buster: I don’t think less of you, I’m not a hypocrite

Buster: because no shit it’s that black and white, love has to be intense otherwise what you’re describing is like

Rio: I should’ve loved him then, he’s a nice lad, nothing wrong with him

Buster: He isn’t me

Rio: No one is

Buster: There’s one person who makes sense, fits

Buster: nan and grandad for each other, my parents, your mum and Johnny, Uncle Tommy with Meena, you for me

Rio: Do you believe we can be like them?

Buster: I wouldn’t be doing any of this if I didn’t

Rio: You know 

Rio: how I feel, what I want

Buster: You want what I want and you feel the same as me

Rio: Exactly but I feel more

Buster: Oh, you’re allowing that as a competition, are you?

Rio: As I’ll win, absolutely

Buster: Good luck, babe, you absolutely won’t

Rio: You can give me your best PJs when I do

Buster: I’ll give them to you for a consolation prize as runner up

Rio: If you cared about me as much as you’re saying, you’d give me ANYTHING I wanted, PJs and the win

Buster: A win I give to you isn’t something you want

Rio: No, you’re right

Rio: Lucky for me I’m winning fair and square 

Buster: I don’t lose

Rio: It won’t feel like losing 

Buster: I’m glad you aren’t going to mind when you do

Rio: You wish, babe

Rio: I don’t have to go easy on you just because it’s your birthday, as it’s mine now too

Buster: I won’t go easy on you either but you don’t need to worry about being sore

Rio: Is that a promise?

Rio: You are sweet, McKenna

Buster: Hold me to it 

Rio: I’ll do my best

Rio: but, if things don’t go the way we want

Buster: They’ll go a way we want, even if it isn’t exactly the one you’re imagining right now

Rio: Okay, that’s the reassurance I needed

Buster: Plans may change but our feelings obviously aren’t going to

Rio: What if

Rio: it happens but it’s not what we thought, what then?

Buster: I already know it won’t be, my imagination is no match for you

Rio: Not you almost admitting a flaw

Buster: Well, it’s not like you can tell anybody

Rio: Damn it

Rio: I’ll have to content myself with you having told me

Buster: And with the reality of us, whatever happens

Rio: You’re already so in synch with me and what I want, more than I could’ve hoped

Buster: Hopes aren’t getting dashed, not on our birthday

Rio: Even if the rest of the party weren’t as bad, I’d still only want to spend it with you

Buster: Nothing and no one else matters

Rio: You make everything else quiet, all the chaos can’t compete

Buster: I refuse to let it touch you, it’s my turn

Rio: When, I’m so sick of waiting already

Buster: Once you land

Rio: Until I have to leave, yeah

Buster: Until the last literal second

Rio: I hate how far you are

Rio: though I’ll undoubtedly appreciate it when I’m there

Buster: And if your mum doesn’t appreciate my invite being extended for the whole of half term, I’ll come back with you, spend mine there

Rio: Do you mean that?

Buster: None of my promises are empty, babe

Buster: we have a house that is though

Rio: You wouldn’t miss home, and whatever your friends will be up to?

Buster: I’d miss you more

Rio: My mama would never ask me to come back, but one of the kids should let me know if I need to

Buster: You can ask me to, it’s okay, I understand needing to be closer than Chelsea is

Rio: It feels like anything could happen now, in the realest sense of the word

Rio: and at any time

Buster: I’ll still keep things quiet for you

Rio: When did you get so grown up?

Buster: Moving here meant I had to

Rio: Not like this though

Buster: I felt it too, and should anything else happen, being ready is the only option

Rio: I say it like I know what to do, how to keep them all safe

Rio: I thought I did but it still happened so it can’t be true

Buster: What’s true is that you won’t get fooled again, they will be safe from now on

Rio: Junior’s dad has him away

Buster: The actual grown ups don’t know what to do either, but at least everyone’s finally trying to after this fucked wake-up call that the ball can’t keep being dropped

Rio: I guess

Rio: it just seems rich when it was his brother but, it’s not actually fair to blame him, he’s not guilty and he’ll still have to grieve 

Buster: I agree, he’s totally wrong to split your family up at a time like this, but maybe he thinks your mum needs the break same as I believe you do

Rio: He wouldn’t be wrong

Rio: I think he needs family, that he’d be here if Johnny wasn’t

Buster: Yeah, I’m sure you’re right

Rio: Everything is just a mess, honestly

Buster: Except you, it’s impressive how together you are

Rio: Boy I wish

Buster: I know, and I’m rarely wrong, remember

Rio: How unmessy is it of me to proposition you, really

Rio: even if you’re down

Buster: Very, I’ll be able to stop cracks from appearing, your timing is smart

Rio: You can want it and not think it’s the best idea ever, I can’t tell and I won’t judge

Buster: I told you, I don’t have bad ideas

Rio: Too bad this was entirely my idea

Buster: I can help you, all you have to do is allow me to

Rio: I am, I trust you

Buster: Besides, this has never been entirely your idea

Rio: You wanna claim it so bad

Buster: Give me some credit

Rio: There’s plenty of credit to be had

Rio: I couldn’t feel like this over just anyone

Buster: I’ll take it from you when you’re here for the taking

Rio: I’m yours to take

Buster: Not yet, but you will be

Rio: I am too

Rio: and the countdown only keeps getting shorter

Buster: You’re mine, but I can’t have you until the countdown is over

Rio: I’ll do whatever you ask me to in the meantime

Buster: To make up for my flawed imagination, yeah?

Rio: Hey, you said it

Rio: But I’ll admit to being better than your fantasies yeah, I’m not scared

Buster: Share one of yours with me, you said you would

Rio: Okay, let me think

Rio: I have to pick a good one and there’s so many to choose from

Buster: You have to choose something which doesn’t need to wait until we’re together in the same room for me to turn into a reality for you

Rio: This is already that fantasy

Rio: talking to you like this, being allowed

Buster: Talking is the first step, even my imagination goes further

Buster: tell me what you want me to do

Rio: Tell me what to do

Rio: that’s what you’re good at

Buster: You’re allowed to talk, you want to, so talk

Buster: I haven’t heard your voice since [whenever he last would]

Rio: [leave him the adorably flustered kind of voice note you would when someone just asks you to say anything because you never know what to say but it’s obviously along the lines of telling him you miss him and can’t wait to see him and saying where you are, which is presumably your room too]

Buster: [obvs send her one back which has the daddy energy of telling her she’s a good girl and how proud he is of her etc etc and that he can’t wait to see her so he can show her properly and give her all the deserved rewards, we know the vibes]

Rio: [making excitable noises shamelessly about this all, telling him how you’re going to spoil him too, without being fully explicit, just hinting with the suggestive nature of this all rn]

Buster: [telling her that you are going to the guest room where she’s gonna sleep because of course you are, we can all pretend that you’re doing some more extra preparations/checking nobody has messed with the ones you’ve already done but you’re 1000% actually just lying on that bed instead of yours]

Rio: Please show me

Buster: Because you asked so nicely

Buster: [a lil vid of him lying on this bed, no spoilers for all his adorable little touches around this room, but letting her see that he has put on the pjs that he said she can borrow, at least until they do buy him some with his name on]

Rio: Everything is going to smell of you 🥰

Rio: I can’t stand how handsome you are

Buster: [him sending a pic that is just his body like there you go I’ve cut my head out that fixes it, but really he’s just showing off said body as he’s here making himself really comfy on this bed, taking up as much of it as he can]

Rio: That’s mine

Rio: Everyone will be looking but only I’m allowed to touch, right?

Buster: All yours, which is why you can touch me anywhere

Rio: My boyfriend

Rio: Can I touch myself right now, you’ve made me all wriggly

Buster: Say please again

Rio: Please, Buster, I can’t handle looking at you and not any longer

Buster: No, say it so I can hear you

Rio: [do, doing the most with this singular PLEASE]

Buster: You really need this too, don’t you?

Rio: [‘Yes, baby’ beyond 🥺]

Rio: I’m not going to make it to you in one piece if you don’t let me

Buster: Okay, as I do need every piece of you, and you know that

Rio: I’ll be whole again for you to break and put back together as many times as we want

Buster: Perfect every time, I’ll put you back together as flawless as you are now

Rio: Better for being touched by you

Buster: Kissed better wherever you need to be

Rio: All I’ve wanted since I was a little girl is to be loved by you

Buster: I have loved you since then

Rio: Claim me, I don’t want anyone else touching me again

Buster: They can’t, you belong to me

Rio: I’m sorry, that we didn’t wait for each other

Buster: We did, no one else touching us meant or felt like anything

Rio: Yours is the only face I’ve ever been able to cum to, I always think of you

Buster: I know, I keep my eyes closed and think of you too

Rio: I still love you, just like before

Buster: You’ll always love me

Rio: I don’t want to stop, I want more, want to love you in every way

Buster: Don’t stop, be mine forever

Rio: I exist for you, your love

Buster: I’m going to give it to you in every way that exists as an expression of love

Rio: I know it

Rio: How could I want anyone else when you’re right here, can give me everything I could ever dream of and more, it’s impossible

Buster: I am right here, where you’ll spend [however many] nights dreaming

Rio: Can you see me there, picture it

Buster: I can almost feel you

Rio: You will, your whole house will be filled with memories of it 

Buster: Every corner, you’ll have them memorised

Rio: I want to

Rio: I’ve barely spent any time there

Buster: I’ve spent hours before reliving where you have been

Rio: You’ve been there for, what, 5 years now

Rio: I need to know it better, like I know you, show me

Buster: And you’ve been here [however many] times

Buster: [and do tell her examples of literally everywhere she has been in your house in that absolutely obsessed way, like the first time you were here you sat in the green armchair by the window energy, being specific and then telling her that he followed in her footsteps every single time when she was gone like, and then I only sat in that green armchair exclusively until the next time you visited and sat somewhere else, we know what I mean]

Rio: This is real

Rio: Real as any of the adults, their ones, like you said, we’re the same

Buster: [obvs be more extra, like if we were using the green chair analogy again it would be how you’ve touched yourself in it, or like, another example could be taking a glass she’s used out of the dishwasher before it was put on and thus cleaned and using it himself because you gotta let her know how real this is to you to the point that you’ve gone insane and had to do things like that to cope with the fact you aren’t allowed to express it in other ways]

Rio: I’ve spoken to every person you’ve spoken to at parties, right after you, like we can have half a conversation if I catch the tail-end of yours and make it mine

Buster: I feel like I’ve let you down because I can’t bring myself to touch every lad you have

Rio: They don’t matter, all they do is let me down, you couldn’t

Buster: It would let me touch you, by proxy, that’s all anybody else is useful for

Rio: If I thought it would do anything but make you jealous, I’d have told you, or made them think it was their idea to go brag about it in vivid detail

Buster: The details aren’t vivid, that’s the problem

Rio: It’s like I have the volume up on you, full focus and zoom

Rio: I swear I could be with anyone else and still be entirely with you if you’re in the room, there’s no concentrating on anything else

Buster: I’m so loud for you that nobody in any of the surrounding rooms can concentrate

Rio: Let me hear you

Buster: [do obviously, just here doing the most with pure noise]

Rio: I want that right in my ear

Rio: The only reason not to let you deafen me is to hear it every day 

Buster: [do phone her to do it again right in her ear, we all know he can’t exactly replicate it though because it’s more extra for the fact he’s done that and it is right in her ear]

Rio: [not going to be able to not reply in kind with pure noise because duh, you’ve only voicenoted each other and now you’re fully on the phone and can respond in time]

Buster: [the way his response would seem fake and OTT or like he’s being even more loud and extra to be competitive as a child of baze but it’s actually just his true dramatic af reaction to being able to hear her react]

Rio: [just tell him how long you’ve wanted to hear this this close, with, again, an obsessive accuracy because the vibes here, even if telling him is going to take a minute in itself]

Buster: [we love these obsessed nerds, catch him moaning baby instead of babe for the first time in response to that because the only acceptable one for how happy he is to hear it]

Rio: [letting him know how much you approve by instantly dying way harder with this, couldn’t be more blatant about it]

Buster: [likewise because how could he not when she is, the girls are !!]

Rio: [just pointing out that your fams are potentially hearing one side of this, probably, soz to whoever is home and unfortunate enough not to be busy themselves, very much giving if only they knew who we were talking to]

Buster: [truly, neither fam needs this nonsense but hers especially does not rn and they are the ones more likely to be in as well, soz everyone, at least y’all are more likely to be busy unlike Nancy who’s more likely to be nosy about seeing if she can work out who he is talking to, but nevertheless, even more soz because we all know these 2 are into the fact that peeps can overhear them and that whole vibe]

Rio: [careful what you wish for Nance, you nosy nelly, oh the blackmailing you could do though lol, not right now though, we need no extra drama thank you, letting y’all have this]

Buster: [they need it for all the drama that’s currently occurring and all the drama yet to come, I agree, hence use your words sir and tell her how close you are to DYING, even though it’s v obvious, for the fact that you’re on her bed and wearing the pjs she is to borrow and you really want her to THINK about that and have it be that obvious + for how your voice will sound because you haven’t said much coherently it’s been mostly noise so that’ll hit too]

Rio: [turning this into a video-call because you know that will kill you both and also letting him know that you NEED to see him in this moment]

Buster: [you’re not wrong, it’ll kill him SO hard and she absolutely does need and will love to see it, god bless lads, again deserved even though nobody else deserves how ridiculously loud he is being in this guest room, shoutout to him making himself bleed again not as a deliberate throwback to earlier, though it is, but because he’ll have to do the absolute most not to moan her name when he sees her, getting blood on these pjs somewhere, I imagine you’ve bit your lip or something and have then put the top into your mouth to help you stfu or have put the arm part over your mouth, either/or]

Rio: [when you have to dramatically hang up in a way that would have you lowkey panicking if we said nothing but not going to be so cruel and leave you ages here, we’re shook to our core not actually dead]

Rio: You were going to say my name

Buster: I did, almost

Rio: I didn’t think I’d ever get to see that

Buster: How was the comparison to your imagination?

Rio: I’m not smart enough to have enough words 

Rio: maybe if I go to Uni, I can let you know

Buster: You’re smarter than girls I’ve met who are at uni as we speak

Rio: Why are Uni girls talking to you?

Buster: Because I’m smarter than them too, the point here to focus on, babe, is, you could go anywhere and do anything you want

Rio: Hm, I’m not sure that is the point now but okay

Buster: It is, I’m apparently too young for them to consider making the kind of point you’re alluding to

Rio: You absolutely are, birthday or otherwise

Rio: And you called me baby before, you’ve already demoted me, rude

Buster: You’re right, that was unforgivably rude of me, I should’ve called you my baby

Rio: I think I’ll forgive you all the same

Buster: Promise?

Rio: I promise

Buster: I understand if you’re mad at me for having another almost flaw before, barely stopping myself from saying your name like that

Rio: Do you think I’m mad?

Buster: You didn’t look it

Rio: I’m amazed you could see

Buster: You’ll be amazed what I can do by sheer force of will

Rio: I saw you bleeding, I know

Buster: You knew we needed to see each other

Rio: I’m smart

Rio: and I kept my clothes on, I don’t want to spoil what’s to come

Buster: You can keep these, to remind you of what just happened

Rio: I’m never going to forget

Buster: Good, don’t

Rio: I couldn’t, even if you wanted me to, none of it

Buster: I’d never want that

Rio: Promise?

Buster: You’re my baby

Buster: mine, forever

Rio: I had to hang up, but I wasn’t going to say your name

Buster: Shame, why did you?

Rio: You’ll think it’s stupid

Rio: and it is, at least, it isn’t logical

Buster: Tell me

Rio: I know it wouldn’t be enough for her to act on, like, obviously

Rio: but I don’t know, it’s too easy to imagine how she could get the wrong idea, from things she heard

Buster: That’s fairly logical

Rio: Oh, well, thanks

Buster: I should be thanking you

Rio: I’m assuming my sarcasm was noted but I have no idea what you’re talking about

Buster: Sarcasm is always noted, another reason to avoid going to law school in the states

Rio: What’s your point?

Buster: What are you waiting for me to say?

Rio: Forget it

Buster: No

Rio: You don’t get it, it’s not important that you do

Buster: Come on, Rio

Rio: I said we can move on, you come on

Buster: And I said no, I don’t want to move on, I want to get it, since you’re claiming I don’t

Rio: You do then, how’s that

Buster: Why are you being like this about it?

Rio: I just wanna move on, I regret bringing it up

Buster: Fine

Rio: It will be if you let it, don’t be moody

Buster: I’m not in a mood, I just think it’s ridiculous that you watched me cum but can’t talk to me, that’s all

Rio: You didn’t have to answer the call if you didn’t want

Buster: I did want to, clearly

Rio: So why make me feel bad for it like I overstepped 

Buster: When have I done that?

Rio: I wasn’t watching you from a window, like

Buster: Of course not

Rio: So, quit it

Buster: What, wanting us to be able to talk about anything? 

Rio: Obviously not

Rio: We don’t have to talk

Buster: Okay, bye then

Rio: Yeah, bye, arsehole

Buster: You’re the one who doesn’t want to

Rio: I didn’t say that but go ahead, as you’re raring to go, I’m not stopping you

Buster: You’ve been trying to shut me up for ages

Rio: If it feels this bad now maybe it’s a worse idea

Buster: It didn’t feel bad until you got this idea in your head to change the subject

Rio: Because I feel like I’m just distracting myself

Buster: What’s wrong with that?

Rio: It’s not fair to you and it’s taking me away from my real life where I’m needed

Buster: Bullshit, I promised to distract you to give you a break from your real life

Rio: I know but I’m saying maybe it’s not the great idea we thought it was

Buster: Because…?

Rio: Because all the reasons you said right at the start

Rio: I don’t know how to stop this

Buster: You don’t have to stop

Rio: Your bloody lip says otherwise

Rio: we will always have to stop

Buster: It isn’t always going to be like this, at the party we won’t need to hold back, and that’s only the most immediate example

Rio: It shouldn’t be so hard to hold back

Buster: You wouldn’t want it to be easy, love is meant to be intense, remember

Rio: It can be taken too far, we know that

Buster: But we’re not

Rio: Says you, how many people do you think would agree there

Buster: My parents would

Rio: Be serious, Buster

Rio: This is not in the plan for you

Buster: I am, they’d understand better than anyone

Rio: Understand doesn’t mean approve though

Buster: Approval doesn’t factor into the decision, I live my life to please myself, it’s mine, who the fuck else would I aim to?

Rio: It just so happens that your life has entirely aligned with your parents’ ideals so far then

Buster: They’re good role models, we share a lot of the same ideals, yeah

Rio: No one is ever going to be okay with this

Buster: I’m okay with it, more than

Buster: the only other person who has to be is you

Rio: When we’re alone

Rio: which, have we ever been, truly alone, I mean?

Buster: When we’re older we can alone as much as we want

Rio: When we’re done with school

Buster: I already look to the future with everything else, why would this be any different? 

Rio: I remember, Harvard

Buster: The present doesn’t have as much to offer, even when I’m giving you everything I can

Rio: I don’t need you to promise me anything

Buster: Maybe not, but I need you to accept that I am promising, that I mean all of them

Rio: I don’t think you’re playing me

Rio: why would you, this of all things

Buster: I told you, no games

Buster: I’m serious

Rio: I feel like I don’t know what to do with serious, that I’m getting it wrong

Buster: I’ll still be here when we’re my parents’ age, as serious, you’ve got time to get used to the idea

Rio: And leave you hanging that long? No, that’s not acceptable

Buster: I’ll accept that, or worse, if that’s what it takes, I’ve waited this long

Rio: You know how I feel about you, nothing can change that

Buster: I know having those feelings doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll act on them again, not if nothing can also change how guilty you do

Rio: It’s not your fault, the guilt

Buster: No, I didn’t ask to be your cousin, I’d have implicitly asked not to, had I been given a choice

Buster: but if I can’t ease it for you, that is my fault

Rio: It’s not even that, it’s all this shit, invading my head no matter what

Buster: Exactly, shit I swore I’d silence for you

Rio: How could you, it’s impossible to ask

Buster: There’s no such thing as an impossible task, other than bringing someone back from the dead, which you aren’t asking me to

Rio: It’s not worth my peace of mind

Rio: I just wish I could talk to him, just once

Buster: I know, but it wouldn’t give you any peace of mind, he wouldn’t say anything you want to hear or listen to what you were trying to

Rio: He’s not some bogeyman, I knew him, thought I did

Rio: this doesn’t make sense, what’s happened

Buster: He’s a man not a monster, that’s what makes this the horror story it is, people are capable of unspeakable shit, with few exceptions, everyone

Rio: He must’ve thought it was okay, what he did

Buster: Or he wanted to do it so badly he didn’t care that it wasn’t

Rio: Yeah

Buster: I don’t feel that separate from him, in that sense, here I am justifying this because I want to, again, it’s what people do

Rio: I feel bad for him

Rio: I haven’t said that to anyone else, and I won’t but it’s the truth

Buster: All your secrets are safe with me

Rio: Obviously I feel worse for Edie, I’m not that awful

Buster: No shit, but you’re allowed to feel both things, both sides exist

Rio: I want it to be black and white, just this once

Buster: Borrow my anger as well as my pjs, it makes everything seem black and white

Rio: I’m sorry, that it’s the grey cloud over everything

Buster: It isn’t your fault nor your apology, you aren’t to blame for any of it

Buster: and I’m going to figure out ways to give you back blue skies

Rio: I can’t have this tainted by anything

Rio: you’re so sweet and that deserves appreciation, no second guessing because of what people before have said and done

Buster: It won’t be

Rio: How do you hide it?

Buster: Determination, I can do anything I set my mind to

Rio: And no one can know how soft you are

Buster: Weaknesses are exploited, yet more human nature

Rio: You think we’re basically all bad?

Buster: Most people aren’t willing to work hard at being good, consistently it does take loads, and for what reward? Very little, usually

Rio: Maybe so

Buster: We tried, giving in feels better than abstaining for other people’s sake ever will

Rio: If that’s all you’ve got to say, like

Rio: That’s no review

Buster: You heard what I had to say, right in your ear

Rio: When I can feel the words being spoken on my skin, I’ll believe it

Buster: I’m not going to run out of skin or words, I’ll definitely make a believer of you

Rio: If we’re not fighting being bad people, we’d best start praying for forgiveness

Buster: I wouldn’t dare to fight any urge you have to get on your knees, even though saints and sinners are nothing but characters in a book

Rio: Don’t act like you’re thinking scholarly thoughts when your mind is so clearly in the gutter, boy

Buster: It isn’t, it’s on you

Rio: On my knees

Buster: I could easily write an essay about it

Rio: It’s the holidays, babe, I’m not getting you to prove that

Buster: Don’t you want to read it?

Rio: Don’t I want to distract you from writing it? Of course

Buster: It’s only fair after acting like me providing a distraction was such a bad thing

Rio: You need distracting or you’ll turn into such a boring cliche of a man and no one wants that

Buster: I need you, no one’ll want me around otherwise, that much is accurate

Rio: Okay, that sounded a little harsher than intended

Rio: but what’s the point of working so hard if you don’t fully enjoy it how you want

Buster: There is no point

Rio: I don’t get people like that, that’s never made sense to me

Buster: Don’t worry, I won’t ask you to make sense of it, we aren’t people like that

Rio: You can say I need you so I don’t turn out directionless and poor or something if you want

Rio: It’s a free shot

Buster: It’s a lie

Rio: And you could never be boring but I might save you from a cocaine heart attack at 41, like

Buster: Thanks, babe

Rio: I sense the genuine gratitude from here

Buster: Your version of the future is a genuine affront to daydreaming, try harder

Rio: I said it’s NOT going to happen, that’s good

Buster: You wrote might, at least commit to saving me hypothetically

Rio: It’s tempting fate to be definitive about when you’re going to die

Rio: I’m not taking chances

Buster: There’s no chance I’m dying young, I’ve got shit to do

Rio: You’re healthy

Rio: behave and there’s no reason but bad luck against you

Buster: You’re stuck with me

Rio: You’re going nowhere without me

Buster: You’ll have to commit then

Buster: close your eyes and think about it, you owe us both a good daydream

Rio: Don’t say I’m a spoilsport

Rio: when I’m already so committed to you

Buster: Do as you’re told and you know what I’ll say you are

Rio: [sending a picture like okay]

Rio: I had to open them to send it though, full disclosure

Buster: You can open them again when you’ve got something to tell me about what our future is going to be like

Rio: We won’t just go to [the holiday destination you mentioned earlier], we can go everywhere together, all the beautiful places

Buster: We have to, you belong there

Rio: And you

Rio: Paradise is the only suitable place for you

Buster: With you will be paradise

Rio: You have the nicest smile, I want to see it every day

Buster: [send her a pic of it rn ofc like okay]

Rio: Making you smile makes my heart feel like it could burst

Buster: I want to take you to every corner of the world and show you how much more beautiful you are than each of those places, starting with the one you’re named after

Rio: Can we go when you’ve finished your first lot of exams? Before 6th form

Buster: Perfect timing

Rio: This is real, really real

Rio: We can go 

Buster: [send her gorgeous hotels and sights and stuff to look at as if you can book this and go ASAP]

Buster: We’ll be there in [a countdown]

Rio: I’ve never been

Buster: Neither have I, our first time’ll be together

Buster: you’ll get every first that matters

Rio: Tell me about your first time

Buster: Are you sure you want to hear about it?

Rio: Why, is it a sad story?

Buster: Not to me, but listening to it might make you

Rio: If it’s not to you then I won’t be

Buster: I don’t know who first put it out there, but among our friends suddenly this mutual decision was reached that you had to lose your virginity before you turned 13 or it was unlucky and you were the utter bottom of the heap, so of course it became a game to see who could, and, naturally, how long before their birthday

Buster: I played along, picked a date ages before, [I’m trying to think when a good date would be, because I’m thinking a function and thus reason to have a party that isn’t like christmas or nye when he’d be in ireland not london?? I won’t commit us cos idk off the top of my head but say he’s told her said date here], and a girl

Rio: And…?

Buster: And we went into one of the many unnecessary and therefore unused en-suite bathrooms and she lay in the unfilled bath like a total party cliche

Rio: And that was that

Buster: Yeah

Rio: I suppose you won

Buster: I should lie and say I did, to make that part vaguely worthwhile, but annoyingly no, it was all for nothing

Rio: Well I can’t lie, that is desperately sad but I’m glad you don’t feel affected by it

Buster: Life here is defined by how empty and meaningless the majority of it is, socially anyway, I wasn’t expecting that particular rite of passage to be any different

Rio: It’s just horribly young, I’ve heard the same said about 16 but not 13

Buster: You can’t have been older, you barely are now

Rio: Yes I was, I was the age I am now

Rio: Still not ideal but I’m not going to deny it happened

Rio: Only a couple years before we had our first kiss, you weren’t old enough to be rushing through like that

Buster: Exactly, the age you are now is nowhere near 16 yet either

Rio: I’m about to turn 15, you were 12, it’s different

Buster: There’s a distinction as far as you’re concerned because he was your boyfriend

Rio: No it’s the age

Rio: I had boyfriends before then, I didn’t sleep with them though

Buster: You weren’t missing out, I’m sure

Rio: Oh Buster

Buster: Don’t, I’m not emotionally scarred, it’s fine

Rio: You don’t have to talk about it with me

Buster: We already have talked about it, there isn’t a lot to add, more graphic details aside

Rio: I’m not a predator, I don’t need that

Rio: I mean, you’re not going to take from me that that’s messed up

Buster: Am I especially proud of it, no, but do I need your pity, also no

Rio: I’m sorry I asked

Buster: I don’t know why you would, what you were expecting me to say

Rio: Not that, clearly

Buster: Forget it, I have

Rio: I wasn’t judging you, I was judging the situation, you know that right

Buster: A situation I participated in, so yeah, you are judging me actually

Rio: It wasn’t your idea, not even your friend’s

Rio: It’s just harmful and unrealistic expectations mixed with peer pressure

Buster: I wish I hadn’t told you now, Jesus

Rio: And I wish you’d had a more fulfilling and personal first time

Buster: Well, I wasn’t going to unless I waited for you

Rio: You still could have

Buster: If I couldn’t have you, what did it matter? I got it out of the way, that’s all

Rio: You get to keep your memories

Buster: Yeah, I do

Rio: You said you’ve forgotten it

Buster: Why are you trying to catch me out?

Rio: You’re being defensive

Buster: No wonder with the reaction I’m receiving 

Rio: I’m not attacking you

Buster: It was stupid, I know that

Rio: You were a kid, of course it was

Buster: I thought it would help me get over kissing you, that if I could feel something else, I wouldn’t still think about it

Rio: That’s understandable

Buster: It would’ve been, if it had worked

Rio: Well it was meant to, I was doing that too

Buster: I hate making mistakes

[indecentpause]

from my WIP The Most Beautiful Puzzle! the POV character is named Meara :D I love the dynamic between Josselin and the Inspector, hehe

[The Inspector is] seething, now. The tension in his back and arms are coiled down like he’s ready to explode. “They’ve been after me a long time. They don’t like that I keep my team accountable. They don’t like that I’m willing to fire people for negligence or incompetence or abuse. Many, many complaints have been made about me.” “Are they going after your job again?” Josselin’s voice is shrill with alarm. The Inspector sighs and shakes his head. “I don’t think so. They simply want this to be an open and shut case. A stupid college kid overdosed and her stupid friends panicked.” He lifts his hands, but before he slams them on the counter, he finally seems to realize how tense you are. He breathes, deep and slow, once, twice, then places them gently down in front of the coffee maker. The three of you just exist in each others’ silent space for a while, until Josselin straightens his back, lifts his chin, and says, “Well, I don’t care what the Chief wants. I don’t care if you’re off the case. I’m still–” He falls quiet when the Inspector holds up his hand. “If I don’t know, I can’t stop you,” he says. Another long pause. Josselin nods and takes another sip of his energy drink. He looks over at you and tilts his head to the side. You glance over at the Inspector, whose back is to you. The whir of the coffee grinder would drown out most of a whisper, but you don’t want to risk it. Instead, you just give Josselin one quick, but decisive, nod. He smiles. The Inspector seems to know your conversation is over. He joins you at the table and runs a hand through his hair, messy and unkempt, so unlike how you’ve ever seen him before. So put together and organized and professional. But here, with his forehead in hand, in a wrinkled Oxford shirt, with a tie that’s just been loosened, he looks like just another guy having a bad day. He looks like you. “Are you going in today?” Josselin finally asks. The Inspector lets out a long, heavy breath. The whole weight of his body is in his exhale. You slide your plate, still with one piece of buttered bread, in front of him. When he looks up at you, it’s like he feels so heavy he has to fight to move. You know that feeling far too well to be okay with seeing someone else you care about feeling that way. “My best friend’s parents always say the best thing you can do when you’re struggling is have a small meal,” you offer meekly. “The world sucks, but it’s a little less sucky on a full stomach.” The coffee pot burbles to life behind you as the water reaches the appropriate heat. After another long, slow, measured sigh, the Inspector looks up at you with a soft smile. “Thank you,” he says. He turns to Josselin and says, “As for your question, I… may have said some things the Chief was offended by, so I’ve been put on desk duty for two weeks. That can be done from home. If it were under any other circumstance I would go in, but with Covid being what it is, I’d rather stay here with Pascal. He gets sick easily. I don’t want to put him at risk if I don’t have to.” A slow grin spreads across Josselin’s face. “Keep your phone powered on and in the house at all times for the next two weeks,” he says. “If you have to leave the house, take my phone. You can call from it as much as you want.” The Inspector turns to him with a wry smile. “Are you telling me you want me to keep my metadata as close to home as possible?” Josselin’s smile softens. “Well, I didn’t say that.” “You’re right,” the Inspector says. “You absolutely didn’t.”

Respond to this with a recent snippet you're proud of. I wanna chew on your beautiful work!

[brain-why]

tw: talks of suicide and depression

Therapist ended therapy early today because she felt i was in to much crisis and she sent me to the mental health crisis building that’s in my city to get further help there. She made sure to call me and check in to see how things went and i got to tell her they pretty much told me if i didn’t have a plan to kill myself then they couldn’t help. I legit am just over our mental health system. I didn’t have a suicide plan the first time i tried to do it when i was a kid, if i attempt it as an adult i doubt i’d have a plan too. I am so tired of the system being only willing to help when a person has reached their absolute lowest. If someone attempts and fails they’ll hear “why didn’t you ask for help” and if someone attempts and succeeds people will still ask “why didn’t they ask for help” yet while i’m begging for some sort of help i get a “you’re in therapy you’ll be fine keep doing what you’re doing” or “sorry you don’t have a plan to hurt yourself so theres nothing we can do” I am actively working towards not engaging in that activity and the people capable of helping don’t. I am tired and i’m getting to the point of feeling like i can’t do anything anymore. This has effected everything in my life, i can’t hold a job because i’m to mentally unstable, no job just means more stress due to bills which just makes this worse. I’m tired

Putting this as a safety statement: I don’t want to commit suicide, i just am declining rapidly in mental health and want to not exist. I go between extreme sorrow and feeling absolutely nothing with very very small bouts of joy. My therapist was heavily concerned when i expressed this today, and even more so when i stated i was tired of existing and wanted things to just stop. If you feel this way or are thinking about suicide then i urge you to seek help asap.

[bakumu-archive]

enjoy the view

kinktober 2021 day 23 - hate fucking

oikawa tooru x fem! reader

wc: 2.4k

summary: when your brother hajime invites you over you didn't realize that oikawa would be there but a work emergency has haji leaving you alone with the man you hate most in the world. Will you be able to ignore his irritating presence?

cw: SMUT (sub!reader, hate fucking, degredation (of both), biting, fingering, edging, a little drool), reader has past relationship with kageyama

a/n: this was sooo much fun to write. oikawa is so great for writing banter i swear

<< back to my kinktober masterlist

minors do not interact. this work contains mature themes and if you continue reading you have agreed you are willing to see such content

You can't say how long you've hated Oikawa Tooru, but it's been that way for as long as you can remember. His stupid attitude, his ego, his ugly hair, and his annoying fangirls that always followed him around. It made you sick. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem, since it's easy to ignore people you hate by pretending they don't exist. But not this time.

Oikawa is your brother's best friend.

How you were cursed to deal with Oikawa you never knew; maybe you were an awful person in your last life and this is your punishment. Seeing him almost every day since you were a kid only made your hatred grow. And that's not even counting all the family vacations, birthday parties, and sleepovers that you have had to endure with him.

You truly could not escape him.

Until you caught your break: he went overseas leaving you to your blissful existence without him. Until he just had to come back to visit your brother.

How were you supposed to know that Haji invited you both over? If you did, you would have turned him down, but instead, here you are, sitting on his couch as far from Oikawa as possible.

“Can’t you guys just pretend to like each other? Just for a day?” Hajime asks, clearly tired of the silence encasing the room ever since the three of you sat down.

“I don't know what you’re talking about Iwa-can, Y/N is the one who has always hated me.”

You let out a puff of air; of course he would say that, placing the blame anywhere that isn’t himself.

A ding rings out through the room and Hajime looks at his phone. “Oh shit, I have to run to work really fast, I forgot to fill out some paperwork. Shit.”

He hurries around, grabbing a jacket and putting on his shoes before turning to the two of you sitting in shock in his living room. “I'll be back in 30 minutes. Please don't kill each other while I'm gone.”

The sound of the door closing echos loudly in your ears. Your brother got up and left before you even had time to process what was happening, and now you're alone in his apartment with his best friend and the person you just happen to hate the most in the world.

You can feel the weight of his analytical eyes burning into you and it makes you boil with hatred. Why did Hajime have to choose this piece of trash as his best friend and then force you to spend time with him?

You stand with a huff, stomping your way to the kitchen to get yourself a glass of water.

How dare Hajime leave you alone with this petulant child. Even now, you can hear him giggling at something on his phone, probably another concubine throwing themselves at him.

He's so childish, playing games with these people’s hearts. It makes you sick. If he can be childish, so can you.

“Hey Oikawa, do you want a glass of water?” you call out to him with your sweetest voice.

You can hear his ego bloom from his chest as he falls into your trap, “Aww, is little Y/N finally warming up to me?” The annoying, slithery tone of his voice grates your nerves, but you just need to wait. “I’d love a glass of wa—"

“Get it yourself then,” you interrupt, smiling to yourself, enjoying this act a little too much.

He lets out a malicious laugh, and you hear the stomp of his irate footsteps as he gets closer to the kitchen but you can't help but snort in laughter.

His eyes are dark as he walks up to you, a little too close to your liking, and forces you to take a step back. The counter top digs into your lower back as he cages you in, his hands resting on the countertop on either side of you while his face comes level with yours.

“I'm sorry, what did you just say?” he snarls, his face contorting infuriatingly.

You don't back away from him when he moves closer this time, as he waits for you to respond.

“I said," your reply shortly, head tilting to the side, "get it your fucking self, asshole.”

You watch his nostrils flare as he grinds his teeth, his jaw ticking to the side.

He's so close, so annoyingly close. His breath fans across your face when his lips part, and you can smell his expensive cologne.

His eyes are half-lidded as he cocks an eyebrow at you, tilting his head to the side so his annoying hair falls over his face.

Your heart pounds in your chest as Oikawa's gaze flicks between your lips and your eyes; his face slowly starting to move closer to yours, until his lips are a hair's width away from your own, and your breath hitches.

You don't think as your body erases the space, your lips crashing into his for just a moment before you pull away, marveling at the tingle left on your lips.

You hear a growl rumble through him before he kisses you again. His lips move with a fire driving them, all of the pent up anger inside you both flowing into your kiss.

Your fingers thread into his hair, yanking on his roots, causing him to gasp into you.

You hate this. You hate that you like his touch. Hate the way he grips your hips and pulls your body into his with enough strength to knock the breath from you. Hate the way his tongue flicks against yours with practiced precision. And you definitely hate the way he thinks he has the upper hand.

You suck his bottom lip into your mouth, rolling it between your teeth before you bite down on it.

He winces and pulls away, looking at you with frenzied eyes, “Ow, you bitch.”

Your hands pull his hair and his eyes almost flutter at the pain as you pull him closer. “Shut the fuck up,” you sneer, kissing him again before he has the chance to respond.

His kiss is greedy, draining your body of all thoughts as his tongue rolls against yours and his hands move across your body. They pull you with a bruising grip and push you away with soft soothing touches. The difference leaves your mind racing, wondering if you're actually enjoying this.

One of his hands wraps around your neck, holding you in place so that he can shove his other hand into your pants. His fingers brush against your swollen clit and you try to suppress your moan.

“Just what I fucking thought, you’re soaked.” The snarl in his voice doesn't fool you as you see pride shine in his eyes.

“Fuck off, you act like your dick isn’t throbbing in your pants right now.”

You felt how hard he was when kissing you a moment ago and a brush of your fingertips over his pants only confirms it. Your touch is soft until you grab his cock through his pants. The groan he lets out is so lewd, it belongs in porn.

He pushes his hand farther into your pants until he can reach your cunt. His middle finger swirls around your hole until he thrusts one finger in you, quickly joined by another as he sets a quick pace.

You close your eyes so you don't have to watch him bring you closer and closer to your edge, because fuck, he sure as hell knows what he’s doing. His fingers curl inside you as he fingers you, almost yanking the pleasure from your body. Dangling you over the cliff's edge before throwing you back.

He removes his fingers just as you were about to orgasm, and you open your eyes in disgust, your lips curling, but just as you're about to give him an earful, your body is spun around. He pushes your chest down on the cool countertop, and you can feel your nipples pebble from the cold stone.

He grabs the waistband of your pants and underwear and pushes them down your legs before you can hear him unbuckle his own pants.

His hand rests on your back, stilling behind you and you roll your eyes, “What the fuck’s taking so—"

But you're cut off abruptly when he shoves his fingers in your mouth, pressing down on your tongue.

“Am I not allowed to enjoy the view?” he laughs as he runs the velvety head of his cock against your dripping cunt.

You try to respond but he increases the pressure on your tongue, causing drool to pool against his fingers.

He slowly pushes into you, stretching you as his cock slowly buries itself inside your walls. The sting gives way to pleasure as the tip of his cock kisses that spongy spot inside you.

Oikawa slowly drags his cock from your wet heat and pushes back in, again and again. You hate that he feels so good, hate that he knows what he’s doing to your body and maybe you could enjoy it more if it wasn't for his fucking mouth.

“I never understood why you hated me so much,” his voice is full of malice as he moans behind you. Each thrust makes his voice more and more whiny. “You act like I stole the sun and pissed on your grave when I've never been anything but nice to you.”

You bite his fingers, causing his hips to stutter inside you. Of course he's a masochist.

You try to harden your voice so that he can't tell how on edge he's making you. “You're an annoying bitch, with your stupid fans and—” but you can’t even finish a sentence before he’s interrupting you with a harsher thrust that digs your body against the hard counter.

“Is that it?” He keeps a hard pace as he enunciates every word with a punishing thrust, “You were jealous my attention wasn't on you? Hmm?”

Your legs start to shake as he hammers into you. You hate him. You hate him. You try to express your thoughts but all that escapes your mouth are whimpers and babbles.

“Do you know what your brother would have done to me if he knew that every night I went home thinking about his sister's tight little cunt?”

Your cunt clenches on its own at his words, and your eyes flutter. You can't help but moan as he drags more pleasure from you while your walls are trying to hold him still.

“Oh, you like that?” His hand moves to your shoulder, grabbing and pulling your back into a beautiful arch as he whispers sinfully into your ear. “You like knowing that I've been jerking off to the thought of you for years?”

Your hands clench as you try to take in his words. Him jerking off to you? No way. He hates you and you hate him. That's how it is, that's how it always has been. But fuck, why does it make your chest warm?

“Hng, no!” you manage to gasp out.

“Oh yes, yes you do.”

A shiver runs down your body as he angles his hips to hit deeper inside you.

“You even went and dated Tobio-chan. Tell me, did he fill you this good? Did he make you cum on his cock like I'm about to?”

“I— I... No,” you pant, grabbing the edge of the counter top to try and steady yourself as his thrusts increase in speed.

He pushes your body back down on the counter as the drawl of his hips set your nerves on edge. The building pressure in your core sends your head spinning, and you can't believe that the person behind you is him. The annoying asshole that you’ve hated for years is the same one fucking you into oblivion right now.

He leans over your body, his lips sliding against the sensitive skin of your shoulder.

“Say my name and you can cum,” he says so sweetly, trying to trap your body into complying to his wishes.

“No. No, please. Just let me cum.” You feel his pace slow down slightly before your body yells, “Oikawa!”

“No, my other name.” The command is so absolute you feel yourself pulse around him again.

“Little bitch—” He slows his hips again, almost to a stand still and you can feel the feeling in your core starting to slip until you scream, “No!”

He picks up his pace again, grabbing your hips and holding you still as he drives into you again, “Then say my name.”

He pulls your hips aways from the counter so he can wrap an arm around your waist to put pressure on your clit. Delirious sinfully addictive pressure right where you needed him. You can't help it, you have to—

“Tooru!”

As soon as his name leaves your lips, you can feel him smile into your shoulder. He angles his hips again and as his fingers work over your clit, his cock hammers into you. Your legs start to shake as you feel the orgasm you've been trying to stave off come rushing full force.

You let your head fall forward as you gush around his cock, milking him for all he's worth as he continues to piston inside you. Whispers of your name leaving his lips only prolong your orgasm, and now you know why he wanted to call for him. It's twisted and repulsive, but the way the syllables roll off his tongue have you rocketing higher.

Your shuttering body pushes Oikawa over the edge. A long groan vibrates his body as his thrusts lose steam inside you, until his hips falter. He paints your walls with his cum as your walls flutter around him. His dick twitches inside you as both of you pant, coming down from the stars together.

Bonus:

You hear the door click open as you sit on the couch, in the exact same spot you were in before your brother left. But as soon as the door is open, Iwaizumi can sense that something is different.

He takes off his shoes as he scans his apartment. Sure, the both of you are sitting in the same spots but the air is different. He looks between the two of you for a good minute, and each time he looks back at Oikawa, his best friend's face becomes redder and redder.

Iwa walks up to Oikawa, narrowing his eyes and searching his face, until he suddenly steps back and gasps.

“Did you guys fuck?!”

[demongemz]

bejcwcled​:

“ah i’m sorry that’s happened to you. yeah i don’t like most of them either and not just because of the whole mortal enemy thing. i suppose i could. what would you like to know?” talking about aziraphale was easier than talking about themself. they could easily go on for hours if given the chance to. “on another person? you know someone else with eyes like mine. i thought- well it doesn’t matter what i thought.” they shook their head. the man likely wouldn’t care to hear their sob story and they weren’t really in the mood to tell it. “that’s fascinating. i can’t believe i’ve been around for so long and didn’t know about beings like you.” maybe they did need to get out more. if there were warlocks and part angel beings here who knows what other kinds of creatures crowley could run into. it would certainly break up the monotony of looking for and failing to find aziraphale. “i didn’t realize we could- er they could reproduce. supposedly? do they not do a very good job of it? or perhaps they’re not a good judge of what’s evil?”

“uh i’m not really a people person. i wouldn’t do good selling things to people.” well they probably could if they tried. it’s just another form of tempting them right? but they didn’t really want to. they didn’t want to have anything that could take up time that they could be spending with aziraphale when they finally found him. when magnus failed to answer their question they weren’t sure how to feel. did the lack of an answer mean he was ashamed? was he ashamed of them? they didn’t think they had any children but the eyes comment. besides they didn’t know any other demon with eyes like their own. “nothing wrong with being unholy. holiness isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.” they couldn’t help but start to get defensive. they nodded and accepted the handkerchief putting it back in their pocket. “your parents- i-” crowley sighed and shook their head unable to find the right words. “even after all these years humans still manage to amaze me with their cruelty. i’m sorry you had to go through that. if i had known i would have… i’d have protected you.” maybe if they apologized magnus wouldn’t feel as ashamed of them. “i think you’re lucky to have found him. i don’t show mine regularly either not since sunglasses were invented. i know how special it is for them to be complimented.” they had almost forgotten what they had originally come for. they had gotten so caught up in magnus’ story. they stared at the slip of paper dumbfounded for a few moments. “uh thank you.” @demongemz

“C'est La Vie, as they say, everyone has their bridges to overcome, mine has always been too much for one species to handle. Anything you’d be willing to share, what type of hobbies do they enjoy taking part in? Or how you two became such close friends?” Magnus was curious If anything it sounded like an interesting story of how the two became close but he wouldn’t push after all the other didn’t owe him anything. “In all your life you’ve never seen another to bare your eyes?” he asked curiously the demon had been to Edom that much was certain but to have never come across another with cat-like eyes must have meant his father didn’t exist in that world. He didn’t really know but smiled softly “Yes, and I’m set to be around even longer, I’m immortal, I’m not surprised, not many demons or angels should be procreating with humans.” He mused before chuckling softly “Really? Well, it’s nice to see that everyone can learn something new each day. A lot of them think they are a good judge of what’s evil but then again they also thought everyone with dirty blood was around just for them to keep in line. Alexander has made so many changes in these last years where things aren’t so bad for us downworlders but it was a long time coming if honest.”

“Really? Well lucky for you people are my personality, I enjoy talking to people every chance I get, but then again, it's always best to learn a person’s intentions quickly rather than later at a more inconvenient time” Magnus mused telling the other about his past had been something he hadn’t expected, something about Crowley had him opening up in ways he hadn’t done in years. Maybe it was their shared eyes or maybe something even deeper “Tell me about, what did it matter where I came from, I wasn’t some horrible cruel thing, I was his son until my eyes changed…yet he turned on me the moment I showed myself different” he mused looking at the other for a moment he hadn’t expected their answers if he was honest. “Those experiences molded me into the person I am…though I would’ve loved to have seen your protection, I assure you I was quite the cute kid” he teased before his face fell once more his fingers going towards his wedding ring where at one point it would’ve lifted the weight off her heart but now it seemed as a tightening cord to someone who no longer remembered him. “I was lucky…he doesn’t remember me here anymore, all those years and kind words seemed to exist only in my memory. But listen to me prattling on like some hopeless fool, You can always be free to show your eyes around here, might even get me to reveal mine more often, after all, glamours take so much out of a person.” he mused smiling softly “you’re welcome, sorry to have bored you with my troubled life but I hope your reunion with your friend goes well.” @bejcwcled​

[botanyshitposts]

radfems don't think you aren't a woman or less of a woman after getting your uterus removed. where did you get that from?

my dude i hate to break it to you but being a terf isn't about freeing women from oppression, its about defining what a woman is and applying that to every person you meet, including yourself. it's about definitions. like, so much so that i do not know of a terf argument that does not rely somewhat on defining what a woman is.

so the hysterectomy line is an example of this. not all radfems believe that (although seriously, i have seen ones who do) and that's part of the point; the initial terf response when someone asks to define a woman is that all women have uteruses, and the response is, 'well what about women who don't?', and all the terfs go 'we have changed our minds, a woman is now when you have had a uterus any time in your life', and the response to that is like, 'holy shit dude, you were pretty quick to reduce womanhood down to someones reproductive organs, there's so much more to women than that' and the terfs go 'okay everyone, youre a woman if you have ever had a uterus and also if you have ever faced oppression by men', and then the response is, 'wait, youre just like, okay reducing womanhood to its suffering? and what kind of suffering is suffering enough to be a woman?' and so on so forth.

so the ultimate decision is that it must come down to biological traits, which ultimately doesn't work because that's not how biology works. you are now a woman if you have ever had a uterus, or you look a certain way, act a certain way, were treated a certain way, or dress a certain way. people who don't do that are kind of sus and might be evil, and you should treat them that way, and when you decide that's the case you definitely made...a decision.

i get the feeling that you're a radfem yourself, so there's really nothing i can say to you to make you believe that radfem ideology is anything but a diverse and completely valid library of nuanced points and definitions of real, true womanhood that would surely sway me, a trans man, to see how i actually am a woman and was just brainwashed by evil men, but i have to tell you like... you have to look at the forest as well as the trees.

the goal of terf ideology ultimately isn't to free women from oppression; this is because it's not feminism at all. the goal of terf ideology is to define a rigid set of rules about what a woman is in order to put an end to a set of trans-related evils in society that ultimately just do not exist, and every time you decide who looks like a woman and who doesn't, you have to accept that there are women you will decide are casualties. like, cis women like yourself who you insist are real women but don't look right, or don't act right, etc. when you say shit like 'women are people with uteruses UNLESS you had one and got a hysterectomy', you have to accept that every step forward you take with this exact rule-- starting with cutting out trans women, and probably some cis and intersex women in the process-- is going to push out someone you think is actually a valid woman, and quite frankly if you're willing to accept those people as casualties if it means you can hurt trans women in the process, you've openly admitted that it was never about feminism to begin with. if i were you, i'd get the hell out before you start subconsciously applying those rules to yourself.