#if you want to draw bday fanart for me so bad you can just do it no need for a reason

[geoledgy]

I know it's like a funny haha joke that I confuse people with when my actual bday is by just saying random days are my bdays but genuinely it's a security thing too like....y'all don't need to know incriminating details about me like my actual date of birth online and if you know, you know. Today is my birthday.

[tiredsmashbros]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NEO !!!!

all what blud is pondering + yapping bout smh @neo91502 🍔💛

credits to nxva on the tsmg4 fanart LMAO

this is my bday gift to the blue canine with wings nothing crazy underneath nooooo nope nope nopity nope :) shhhh

and now for my essay speech bc that's becoming my trademark now other than being comic ceo of smg34 apparently LMAO

neo, you already got my lil emotional yap thru dms bout ur "loyal lettuce" role, but ong i'm boutta give another sappy essay for you to use ur big pikmin brain to read: once again, thank you, for wanting to talk to me, hang out with me, and just yap about shared interests. it takes a lot for me to open my shell due to past experiences with folks its hard to even open myself to making friends at times,,, yet never did i expect anyone to know or like EPIC: the musical as much as i did nor even WANT to go forth the idea of a smg4 au for fun. i'll admit i was very nervous being invited to the private dms to yap bout it and a part of me from bad habits wanted to run away, but your understanding and providing ways to help so i didn't feel excluded made me feel so relieved and welcomed. as i already told you, it's been a VERY long time i got to really yap my love for musicals in this way in depth and getting to know even more folks from that outburst {lookin at you knightmare and lore 💛} has genuinely made me so much happy. i love musicals in a very deep level and finally getting that opportunity to talk to others just has been the greatest ever /gen /srs.

other than musicals, FINALLY i have met someone who loves isaacwhy too hELLO????? like i've gotten very few people irl to show them clips but none have either really stuck into watching or liking them as much as me. so getting that opportunity to watch LTLVC with you and nova was SO FUN {despite my stream quality was laggy and slow} i enjoyed it so much and finally i can reference the jokes so much BC GOD I USED TO DO THEM SM IRL U HAVE NO IDEA HAHAHAHHAHAH TYUFGHEDCSXYUIGJHEFDC

another big factor was just being so surprised and shock you had a fursona!!! neo!!!! it just made me so happy GENUINELY bringing me back to my furry home adobe and knowing the fact i could draw other's fursonas and even my own and being welcomed about that idea just made me explode /pos. even more when i got to watch you DRAW TOMMY.... like at that point i finally got over my fear and confidently pressed that follow.

you are such an awesome guy neo. you're really fun to yap with and never once had i had any second doubts other than being afraid i would embarrass myself ITYGJHFCDSX i still remember almost vividly the first time we aCTUALLY talked when i was doing thumbnail sketches of my final comic assignment, with the "typer" joke YOU CHOCKED FROM LAUGHTER HAHAHAY89IUTGYFUEHJDSX TO THE NEXT DAY ANDER AND I TALKED BOUT IT AGAIN HAHAHAHA still one of my fav vc's ever. thank you so much for being a fan, joining my server, and joining vc to us being friends. you mean so much to me, thank you for being your silly self, i srsly look forward to yapping to you every day.

and good gOD i will continue that binge on getting into the pikmin lore TRUST..... 💛🍔

BTW, THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO ATTENDED NEO'S BIRTHDAY PARTY EVENT IN THE TSB SERVER !!!! whether it was just for a bit or the whole event, THANK YOU. /gen

i don't plan on doing much birthday vc events unfortunately, but i def wanted to do one {and using neo as a guinea pig once again} since this silly man had impacted me so much i wanted to give him the best bday he could have. even if it got really chaotic several times YOU GUYS ARE CRAZY OH MY FUKIN GOD HAHAHHAHAA and no im not sorry for being absent the first 40 mins my stephen king fixiation is a priority /j

[unproduciblesmackdown]

i've said how it's occurred to me that the idea of "don't compare other people's art to your own" (which you do most of the time anyways even tho you know the reasons you shouldn't) can apply also to like, comparing how people relate to their art and what they expect of it and want from it, vs what you do. and i also make that comparison anyhow even though there's no reason to, and so i'll see some convo on twitter or something & get all somewhat frustrated or riled up coz i'm like, that's not me. so anyhow

i talked too much about the sink and now i'm trying to remember what my thoughts were that i was meaning to put here. i guess i was thinking first that it was weird to see a conversation about people being able to make money off their art, which is like, it's great of course when people who want to do that, can. but it's strange i guess because for me i've never drawn with the idea that it was what i "wanted to do" as a sort of career thing. and to get the full picture, i never had or have had anything solid i felt i wanted to do as sort of a career. that's just not how it goes for me. but it's odd because i've been drawing for ages and i've gone to classes outside of school for a good while and i did some classes in college and stuff, but mostly got kind of re-into drawing a while ago and started drawing more just on my own, not for any classes or anything, and have largely been self-taught in that way. and i don't mind the busy-work aspect of it, or spending 8+ hours on something in one sitting, or any of that, so it would seem to make sense like, oh this is your passion and what you're good at and so this should be your job. but, well firstly i don't think that the world of what a person does to make money is inherently meant to be the same as whatever their passion is. but also i don't even consider drawing or art in itself to be a passion, maybe an interest, but not really. it's what i'm drawing, which is gay shit—if i don't have something i want to draw into existence, i don't draw the way you should to just practice or create or something. and i Get all that about myself, but i suppose when the subject of being an artist as your job comes up, i have to feel defensive even if nobody's talking to me

i mean, there are reasons i've never felt it was something i would or could get money out of. mainly it's that really, i don't make art unless it's to make exactly the picture i want to see, which as you might know tends to be very specific and personalized exactly to what i want to make. as though nobody else does, i know, but the thing is that if i'm not drawing exactly what i want, i'm not drawing at all. back before i realized this about myself, i'd once or twice told a friend i could draw something for them, and fully expected and intended to, but of course never did because i just couldn't make myself even start. i can't do the sitting there for ten hours without tiring of it or enjoying the busy work or monotony or anything like that. i can't even put a pencil to paper or get my brain to start planning it out. it's why i tell people who ask that i don't do requests or commissions, it's only once in the bluest moon that i manage to even do it for friends. i sort of half-assed a bday card once and then some of my family got the idea that i ought to draw cards for relatives or something, my grandma told like a small child that i'd draw something for her, i started to lose my temper about it really fast which was an especial effort in that scenario, as the fallout for standing up for yourself could be pretty severe. but it was just that, that i can't even force myself to do it more than a handful of times, and those few times are miserable.

so what i'm getting at is that i genuinely really can't draw hardly beyond my niche fanart for myself. the whole thing just shuts down really fast. and for whatever reason, i'm 0% a creative person when it comes to stuff like making up my own stories, i can't even do that if i try. so i can't really draw things other people ask me to, and i've never wanted to use my art to make my own x y or z. i didn't even hardly want to draw before i realized i could make gay fanart for my blog, and as you can tell my ambitions for my ability to draw have never changed.

i don't know, i've supposed i could do illustrative art, but when i imagine it i know i'm mostly thinking about it in terms of "what if i was asked to draw this thing that would seem already slightly interesting to draw" and of course that wouldn't always be the case. plus, i have no experience, and also i'm lousy with traditional media, and also digital media. i only give myself an office pen and a cheap barnes and noble sketchbook because thats all i need, and i don't have the talent to get the quality out of quality art supplies and stuff. like, sure, copics would be fun, but i'm crap at inking linework, so that's out. and bad at choosing colors. so nah. and anyhow i can't even think of any other "job" sort of application

another problem is the true horror of how i can't draw anything in like less than a couple of hours, and even my fancier drawings are fairly simple and still take me hours upon hours or multiple days or even weeks. and i'm really inconsistent with output, i have "bad" periods where i just can't even meet my own standards, and i can't even get anything out of a few hours of effort. plus, my drawing process is lousy and counterproductive. i get too caught up in details before i've done the simpler planning stuff. and my focus is terrible, too, and i have to sort of have a set "distraction" like music or a podcast or a show to at least hold my wandering attention sort of nearby. even being aware of this sort of stuff doesn't fix it; my head just isn't good for getting stuff done quickly. i'm sure i couldn't work fast enough for anyone on anything

plus, my sketching is lousy. i have to clean stuff up too much, in part because i just like details too much a lot of the time. but just moreso, some people's sketches look really good you know? it's not clean or fancy or whatever but you can just tell it has life and it holds their style, because they're good at their linework. it's hard to make good "messy" drawings and people that can are just really good in general. i'm not good enough to draw fast, and my slow drawings are ludicrously slow. r.i.p.

i'm just not that good, either. in addition to having no experience with most mediums or with doing "projects" or with doing anything job-related or part of a group work or anything useful to anyone or applicable at all, i know that in my sheer drawing ability, i could say i'm middling, or probably middling-bad. and within the stuff i do, i have a lot of weak points, elements i don't practice as much & can only say i'm barely adequate or still just bad at. i'm not about to be competitive about what i can provide. and i'm inconsistent as fuck still, its like i'm always changing my ideas about how i draw certain things, or going through those "bad" periods where i forget how to draw somehow. frustrating. and not useful for work

anyhow then i have to think about what the value of it is. because while i've never exactly had ambitions about my art or considered it any more important that the one purpose it has, which is to draw the content i myself want to see. but thats not useless or anything. it entertains me and gives me something i feel i can do, and then when i've made something, it fulfils that purpose in that i get to look at it and have it exist. and if i'm lucky, someone who happens to want to look at it too in the same way i do will get to find it. i like to know that i'm providing that too for a handful of people who happen to have that exact same rando niche taste as i do. and of course i really value anyone saying stuff they like about what i make. i do put a good amt of feeling or meaning into a decent number of things, and some feeling into basically everything, so in that way everything is important to me and its meaningful to get compliments about it or people saying they enjoy it or caught that feeling i'd put in or whatever. i don't need to feel that it's super impactful or lasting or significant. i mean, i don't even like to call my art "art," because it feels so disconnected to a lot of concepts tied to that concept.

it reminds me too that i've gotten a lot of value in my life from the less "ambitious" or life-changing work that other people have done. like, not that anything isn't life-changing, but not a huge project that's intending to be a masterpiece or super serious and deeply meaningful or all-encompassing or whatever. how much mileage i got out out of mh, a youtube video series made by college students who just felt like it and it wasn't anything formal and it wasn't anything not Internet Horror Genre but i looked forward to those videos every week, i liked to spend time analyzing them and making diagrams and trying to guess where things were going, i liked to talk and joke about it. the pals i made from other people who liked it were some of the first people to talk to me even nearly that much and were people i could talk to during really shitty times when i didn't feel like i had any support. mh gave me something to look forward to on a scale of not only day to day or week to week but also month to month to year to year. during some really shit years. i had fun and i had stuff to be happy about, and its still really important to me. and it was always just some amateur people's spare-time project where with $20 and a forest or abandoned building they made something for their youtube channel. not that i'm saying marble hornets isn't super high quality and recognized as such because it absolutely is. i'm just saying that on paper it doesn't exactly sound "lofty."

thats always the stuff thats been most important to me anyways, and sometimes i'll see people who make exactly the kind of projects as the things i've always been enjoying, and they'll talk about feeling like they're not complete without that "big" project that's really signicant or something and really meaningful to people. and i absolutely get that people's goals should be whatever they are and they can strive for whatever they want, but it tends to make me feel kinda bad. as if that stuff they're doing now, the family of stuff that's what has the most value for me, isn't the important or meaningful stuff or otherwise not good enough. i don't know. so i tend to be aware that i don't think stuff that looks fancy or polished or that has any form more permanent than a png file on one specific website is inherently without value. i don't mind if people only get a little enjoyment out of my stuff. it's not that life and death important to me either. like, i don't mind if i don't make anything that anyone remembers all their life; if it dies with me and gets totally buried just a little while later and largely nobody thinks about it ever again. it's just more of an in the moment thing, if someone gets a small moment of enjoyment and moves on, that's totally fine

and really the more behind the scenes mechanics that you need to make money off anything you do is another reason i don't see myself ever being any kind of artist as a job. i already said i really can't be competitive about it, i'm just not organized, i'm not willing to push about anything or advocate for myself or any of that stuff. maybe someone would read all this and say well it's just excuses and if they would just motivate themselves they could do all of it or something, and if you do think it's just my faults and shortcomings then? ok. i won't stop you from thinking that. whether that's true or not, what difference does it make to me or what i do or don't do.

and also i just think that stuff you do that doesn't make money or doesn't even have an apparent usefulness to anyone doesn't mean it doesn't have value or isn't a skill.

anyhow, that's some ways i think about drawing when i have to think of why i don't intend or believe myself capable of using my drawing to get that cash. it's not a blow to me on account of i'm not a person who had/has dreams/goals/ambitions etc. i just get defensive about everything b/c i'm too used to being attacked. it wasn't relevant to the stuff here but i did once have to try explaining why i, with literally like minimal photoshop experience and nothing else, couldn't reasonably apply to a graphic website design position for a decent-sized company with an intl customer base. couldn't get my mom to believe i couldn't argue to them that i could learn digital art and vector art and website design and coding and photoshop and other platforms all in the course of several weeks or even a month or two, if i tried hard enough. it just goes to show that for every topic, i have a ridiculous story about my parents for it.

anyways, that's why i don't strive at all for any career position related to art and yet why i feel i have to argue for why i don't. useless or unimportant stuff is alright too. whats it to the world if one person's passable drawing abilities don't reach the loftiest imaginable potential and rake in the dough for life? the answer is: nothing

[benjaminhunter]

wow dont read this if youre gonna unfollow for me speaking a bit abt my life situation btw even if the whole thing sounds so much like a 15year old narcissistic cunt��s post venting about their emo problems and their ‘i hate my fucking life’ stick like i used to vague about on scattered fanfic french blogs; look ill get over myself ! sooner than you think ! but i havent made a really personal post on this blog in a while cos it felt.. useless and self pitying in the wake of the really upsetting suffering i see on my dash, from the mutuals i consider friends and the political situation that i kinda want to escape from? but even then. that feels self pitying. and also its almost 8 am so no one will see the bs im posting. so  anyway an update on my thrilling life ! my moods have been flickering between extreme anger and complete exhaustion ! obssessively checking social medias of artists i really looked up has transformed the feeling of admiration i felt into complete beatdowns of myself, always comparing myself to them and rejecting everything decent i made.. getting angry over ship content for absolutely no reason when ive always been the type to be ‘oh fuck it live and learn’; now my anger is making me feel like im expecting ppl to draw content for a f/f rarepair and when this rarepair is overshadowed by huge het or m/m popular pairs i get pissed off, storm and brood about it, feeling like im a child throwing a tantrum ! so thats fun !!!!!!!!!!! lol !!!!!!!!! all my insecurities flooding back because the dam is damn broke when ive been taping it the best i could over the past years. so im feeling intense jealousy at talented artists finishing their projects and starting new ones, and w/ mikus 10th bday coming up and everything- it feels like when youre following your multiplayer guild’s quest in a mmorpg but with bad internet. theyre accomplishing so much and im. here? what? what achievement do i have for myself? oh yeah. i played dr:ae at least ten times. and yet i still couldnt find the energy to make decent dr:ae fanart. its awful. its terrible ! and my asshole dad feels like he can strut all he want because i chickened out on calling the cops on him that one time and hes been even more verbally abusive, although the good side is hes not hitting me or my sis anymore. i guess pulling a knife on him once when hes done so on me so many times impressed him a bit, yknow, the snake that comes back to bite you in the ass? you reap what you sow bs? yeah. so no more slaps or punches, which is good. i guess he yells more and lashes out at the dog, which is terrible, but he hasnt been a complete ass to the rabbit, mostly because hes too lazy to come upstairs and kick chaussette’s cage or smash stuff off the shelves i guess. still the wifi is Very bad cos obvs my parents are hogging the bandwidth, the weather is bad, my sis and i dont have money to fish out of our purses to go to the pool, the library is closed & friends are either working or on holiday away with their families, also our teacher just confirmed that there will be an entrance exam at the start of year2 and i need to get stellar grades to get into the teacher course,so im wasting my eyes frantically speedrunning japanese grammar basics from year1; while my moms accusing me of being selfish for not wanting to go on a stupid 2week trip when i want nothing to do with her and my dad. my ex’s situation is still hanging over my shoulders, that bitch is still cursing me beyond the grave shes been digging and the shit morons that are her friends are still trash talking me, make ‘triggerd memes ;)))’ about me which is fine i guess :)) at least im not lurking their every tweet & post they do so my head is mostly clear on that, the trick is not to think about it or else it WILL fuck me up.. u got other worries like im worried about getting a job even and im worried about celeste’s job and while i know she definitely can handle herself im afraid of drunks coming into her store, have been ever since i started living with one, so theres that lel. 

im glad i got to spend some time with suke and yura and manon before we parted ways two weeks ago, and celeste i ever so sweet.. its been 1 (one) whole year since weve been together although it feels like ive loved her for .. way longer than this so. like if i could get one wish rn, it’d be to get to leap across the ocean so i could be physically close to her and enjoy some time w/ her. get you a girl who gives you butterflies like that, man. shit. wow wow chica bow wow this is long winded and whiny and ill probably regret ever writing that