#if you wanna be one of the small percentage that actually sticks it out this time you're welcome here

[liminalweirdo]

I feel like the Jews I know irl and online, and disabled people are kind of feeling the same way. Obviously I don't speak for everyone, and I'm not trying to, but I've been thinking about this tonight. That we've been excluded or abandoned from other groups (especially queer groups) and — in my experience at least, as a disabled person — especially since covid. Everything has gotten worse since then — antisemitism especially.

And I think we're disillusioned a little by seeing everyone pull together the way people did at the beginning of the pandemic because we've done this before. And we anticipate the rush to "return to normal." We know that as soon as other marginalized groups are re-secured that they will forget about us again — and that a lot of queer people don't ever think about us at all even though we've been trying for years to be heard.

but I just... can't do it, chat. I have to keep believing that more people will start to understand. That more queer people will suddenly see us — disabled, Jewish, both — and realize that we can't do any of this unless we all do it together. And even if 90% of people in communities we thought were ours are willing to step over us again; forget us, again, and get back to their lives like they did as soon as masks stopped being mandated and antisemitism started being accepted fucking en masse because of the power of jumping on the bandwagon or whatever — maybe another 10% will actually stick it out this time around, and if it's 10% more than we had before this election, then I'll take it.

idk. I'm not asking people to agree with me, but I have to keep believing that the queer community, my community, is still good, and that one day they'll put on a fucking mask/respirator in public spaces and remember Jewish people and disabled people in the conversation.

It was Jewish people, more than any other people (besides disabled people) who showed up, wearing masks, to protests and community meetings and other various political and educational meetups this year. Jewish people have come through, more than any other group for the disabled community these past few years and I will never ever forget that.

And I hope people see us and listen to what we've all been saying in these coming months, and beyond. I hope they fucking see us

[heartshapedcreaturefromcriptoon]

I can't believe there is a "Cursed Cat Alastor Controversy" and that once again I had to have the evil lepreconartist who lords over the fandom making his gold off of Medrano's despair explain to me in order to understand what the fuck is going in on the fandom, yet again ... But I kind of hate you all so here's my hot take...

It's actual petty bullshit.

It's the equivalent of a fanartist calling out an AMV maker for "art theft" and demanding that a video they worked hard on be taken down because they used a piece of fanart for a character in an AMV tribute to the character that both the fanartist and the AMV maker (who is already an artist in their own right) already do not actually fucking own. Like, regardless if the AMV maker gives the fanartist credit. Instead of being honored by it, when they should know better that neither of them ever actually even own the shit to begin with, yet they still demand "credit" for fanwork.

I once saw a popular Asian artist in the svtfoe fandom demanding a boycott of the popular fan run merch store TheMysteryShack just as the beautiful fan made artbook Tales of Rebel Princess was about to launch exclusively through there because she alleged that the shop owner had stolen one of her friends fanart designs on a goddamn fucking Steven Universe tarot card pack of all things but I still really liked her Star fanart, so when I tried to respectfully explain to her that I wouldn't be boycotting the shop because of Tales of Rebel Princes launching and how I thought it was personally in very poor taste to not just contact the shop owner privately about the matter and instead making a big stink in public about boycotting his shop when she knew that one of her other artist friends that we knew she had also collaborated with in the past was just about to debut another big collaborative art tribute book dedicated to Daron and Star vs. there through this guys shop! And essentially it would be sad to see her knowingly taking business away from her other friend like that and demanding others in her following do the same and over something as small as a deck of Steven Universe cards, especially in understanding how little love svtfoe gets, since she was also a well known svtfoe fanartist ... All I got in response was "Well I'm happy for my friend but I'm Korean and you're just a Filthy American who couldn't possibly understand how disrespectful something like this is in my culture and blah blah blah if you instant on further harassing me about this I'll block you!"

And I was basically like "suit yourself being fake and having a stick up your butt honey I'm still getting my Star vs. artbook!"

And then she blocked me.

Good riddance. As if Miss Heinous would honestly ever head bang to Ruberiot...

But I guess what I'm trying to get here is that like...Oh, I'm sorry? You wanna make fanart for western cartoons? You gotta play by western rules then. Like it's late night here and I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. But it's true.

If Aurelio Voltaire honestly deserves to have a deal be cut in my opinion so he can finally officially own his share of the "Vampair" series after Daria Cohen stole his voice to make it (half dry humor, half serious here, to be quite frank about this) then coma0423 deserves to cut a deal so that Amir Talai can have a bit of financial comprehension and his percentage of whatever kind of (I'm guessing financial) ~"credit'~ that Coma is now demanding from other fanartists who make Cursed Cat Alastor fan merch since Talai , after all, did design the original concept sketch that would become Cursed Cat Alastor that Coma saw and then decided to just runaway with when they made the meme ...

Listen to me... Fanart belongs to everyone and no one by nature of it being made by fans and no one can truly own a "fan concept" expect for the true creator of the thing that it's based on. Unless that thing is already in the public domain. And if it is it becomes Schrodinger's Cheshire Cat.

Schrodinger's Cursed Cat Alastor belongs to everyone and no one, babe. He belongs to The Hazbin Hotel Fandom and The Hazbin Hotel. If he actually becomes canon in the show somehow, then he'll belong to Amir and Viv, actually, maybe Coma will get proper credit then, but the concept won't even really be theirs anymore, just as it even isn't really officially theirs now, even if they officially do get hired.

First you're telling me that I'm not allowed to fuck the radio demon ... Now you're telling me that I'm apparently not even allowed to kiss a cute wittle kitty cat plushie of him between the space on his head between his ears if said plush wasn't crafted by or sold explicitly by the fanartist who again, stole the concept sketch of him from Amir Talai in the first place?

No. This is nonsense.

Stop making all these petty dramas off someone else's work that only feed the evil leprechaun more gold off of someone else's work or start making you're own original work from your own original concept that you can actually claim your own copyright to I'm exhausted.

Ever hear the phrase once something leaves your brain it belongs to everyone, not just you anymore?

This goes triple for anyone making fanart of someone else's work and that's a fact. Especially if it's only ever an extremely memed up version of an already canonically existing character that you were only so lucky went viral.

Stop the bullying. No one fanwork is that special. Just do your best to honor the source material and be flattered by other fanartists imitations of your fanartist imitation... It's the circle of cursed kitties and it feeds us all. *smacks paw down*

[filthy-imouto]

It wouldn't be conducive for The Sims to allow people to make and keep their cc up for paid indefinitely because The Sims were not designed to be an online platform as SL is. The Sims is an individualized game that was brought together by cc creators. A lot of them started out doing this for free and as a hobby. It doesn't always have to be for financial gain. Also, MANY SL creators were Sims creators first.

In current times, both platforms have really just become a way to show your wearl6h because not many of us have the resources, like you said, to purchase these items or even have an interest in "playing" SL.

But back to my point, if the meshes aren't being sold or shared for profit, I still don't see the issue. Besides, a lot of these meshes people actually do pay their real life money for, and after it's been legally purchased, it's up to them how they want to use that item as it was legally tendered. There are many points that can be given to both sides, but I've never heard of someone snitching to or sticking up for Sims creators. It's always on the side of the SL creators and for those of you that do utilize both platforms and have the financial resources to burn on games, that's really kinda stinky.

You wanna know why there are so many people having Tentacio or Half Deer items in their Sims 4 game? Because they showcase their meshes in their store and people have to just copy-bot them. There is only a very small percentage of people that actually buy the items and in most cases it's only because they don't have another way to get the actual mesh. And after that, even if those people don't sell these items, they share it with friends like crazy and in the end, no one had to pay anything for a well-made mesh that one single person created over several days to bring food to the table.

For me personally it's "kinda stinky" to justify stealing from small businesses because you don't have the resources to buy them. You clearly have your own opinion and I have mine, but of course you had to go down on a personal level and assume I have enough money to burn on games. I'm a small artist who creates emotes for Discord/Twitch when I feel physically able to and I blog on SL, to be able to get the things I like. I have MS and no "real" job, since the hospital has been my second home for the last year's. Only because I complain about an issue doesn't mean I can't understand the motives behind those actions and that I don't know how frustrating it can be to not be able to get things you like because you're short on money. And I might be repeating myself here, but that doesn't give anyone the right to just take it from others.

Don't let your frustration out on people you clearly don't know, because I called out a behavior from others I don't appreciate on my blog.

This conversation is over for me. We won't get anywhere with this and I'm not someone's punching bag. Have a lovely day ~ :)

[notafandomname]

Hey anyone wanna know the pointless data that I just found. Sure okay here we go:

Using AO3's tags, we can see that the hermitcraft smp has 14,042 fan works published. 1,241 of those are rated E. So that's 8% of hermitcraft works being explicit.

I compared this to the dream smp, which has 71,577 fan works, of which there are 3,037 explicit fics. So that's 4% of dream smp works being explicit.

As a more general overview I had a look at the Minecraft fandom tag and found that out of 102,507 works there are 6,019 works rated E, putting it at 5% being explicit.

OK so now why the fuck did I do this and also, does it mean anything?

One of the things I love doing on ao3 is going into different fandoms and seeing the general vibe of the works, I like seeing which ship is most popular, how many works it has, what the general ratings and warnings are, and what additional tags are most common. It's just a fun little thing and I like learning about different fandoms that I'm not a part of. I also really like seeing the additional tags, and seeing what fun little things pop up, because there's always fluff, angst and hurt comfort etc but I like seeing what else there is! There always some fun fandom specific tags to be seen.

Anyways, that's just the sort of thing I like doing, and another thing I like is seeing a specific or weird tag and clicking on it to find out what the deal is, how many works it has, what fandoms it's for etc. And anyways today I was having a look at an author that had written a lot of smut fic. And they'd used the tag mob fucking a lot (yeah, like the Minecraft mobs, for this unfamiliar with the concept). So ofc I was like "I wonder how many works that tag has" (it's 41 btw). And I noticed, scrolling through, that it was overwhelmingly hermitcraft under this tag, which I thought was odd, because I know dsmp is a lot more popular so I naturally assumed that for something Minecraft related, dsmp would have more fics. And that thought naturally progressed to fic tropes in general, if the dsmp has more works, surely it has more of everything, right? More E rated fics at least. So I did that maths, for curiosity's sake, and thats what I found! Smutfic makes up double the amount of fics in general in hermitcraft than in dsmp (those being the two biggest smp specific Minecraft fandoms on ao3).

This info,,, benifits no one, as far as I can tell, and is useful for nothing (except my own curiosity) but it is interesting just in terms of challenging my own preconceptions, and probably many peoples, on how just because something is popular doesn't mean it has the most of any one thing. And I was also surprised at how small the amount of E fics was in general, I think there's still this overwhelming generalisation of fanfiction being pornography of being an especially lewd sort of writing, and scrolling through ao3 it really does feel that way sometimes. But I think that's just because,, when we see something that has graphic tags, or an E rating, it just stands out more, you know? We remember it, it sticks in our minds, and makes it feel like there's more than there actually is (not that there isn't plenty).

I'm probably going to do more of this just for my own sake, and see how much of different fandoms have different percents of smut/E ratings,its really interesting.

Also disclaimer I'm not 100% certain that I did my maths right in getting those percentages (I did number of E fics÷number of fics overall, times 100, which I think is right but it's late so honestly who know) and I also was aware that plenty of smut gets published under not rated works, so I did a quick search for unrated works with the tags "smut" or "porn" but didn't come up with anything that significantly impacted the original data. Guys I'm meant to be writing a report it's due in in 40 minutes and I haven't finished it what the fuck am I doing with my life.

[homosexchad]

yooooo pog question. i wrote this so fast, this is such a mess, i probably have like 300 typos and this may not make sense but hey ho

trans man, NO NIPS

reasonings:

1. i was already worried about post DI healing what with me having:

a. absolute fucking melons

b. the worst skin elasticity you’ve ever seen (7 years of binding, woowee)

c. and being a barely ex-smoker (i did the 6 weeks minimum for pre op, my surgeon said i would need to do 6 months no nicotine for 0% nicotine related impacts)

d. i’m a big fat guy. i’m working on it, post op working out is amazing, but pre op working out was a no go, and i’d piled on the pounds since puberty round one. i knew i had higher risk of complications all around.

so i was like “bro i’m fucking worried”, and i know nipple grafts are the part that need good blood oxgyen for 100% success rate so i was like “fcukk, smoking impacts blood oxygen and healing and shit, and i don’t wanna deal with nipples falling off or partially rejecting”

2. i didn’t trust any surgeon to know what the fuck a good nipple looks like. there are so many amazing free nipple grafts, but i’d seen too many nipples where i genuinely had to question whether some of these surgeons knew what a nipple was. sometimes they’re too high, too low, too widely / narrowly spaced, way too big, tiny tiny and small, etc - and while many other people would be perfectly happy, or able to get a revision, or lucky with their body type and where their nipples could go based on that, or had an amazing surgeon, i just ??? i wasn’t gonna test my luck. i was fully prepared to come out of surgery with mega dog ears and 70 complications, i wasn’t gonna risk it. i just knew that while my chest could come out looking like a piece of shit, if i was gonna have nipples, i wanted them to be like god’s perfect nipples, and i knew no surgeon could guarantee that.

3. idgaf about nipple sensation. there’s a million other ways to nut, and FNGs don’t tend to regain 100% sexual sensation, so it was kind of a “eh, whatever, you win some you lose some”, and if i was gonna likely have no nip sensation anyway, what was the point in risking complications for them?? again, i did massively get in my head about complications, the percentage of complications with nipple grafts is pretty low. i only realised later that the only people posting on reddit are the ones who have had issues or have insane surgery stories, and that it probably wasn’t a good idea to check that out pre op lmao

4. holy shit nipple tattoos look so realistic. i found plenty of tattoo artists in my country and local area who did hyper realistic nipples for women who had lost theirs to breast cancer, and a bunch who did them for trans men, and jesus christ. they look identical to bio nips. i figured if my chest looked empty, i could just get tattoos?? and they look the same?? and i can control exactly where they go, how big they are, etc?? like. that’s perfect. only difference would be that they wouldn’t actually stick out, which wasn’t smth i was bothered by

5. i looked at some pics of people post op. prior to getting to the point where i was actively like “holy shit i’m having top surgery”, all i’d seen is pics of skinny twinks who got peri or magically perfect DI that underlined their perfect pecs, and i didn’t even know no-nips was an option. i deadass thought free nipple grafts meant u didn’t pay for the nipple grafts 💀 anyway, i just saw so many pics of guys who were big, small, tall, short, nipples, no nipples, dog ears, no dog ears, excess skin, weird nipples, perfect nipples - *everything*- and i realised that regardless of what happens, i’m gonna be happier post op. even if i get every complication and my new chest explodes, even if there’s loads of excess tissue left - it’s gonna be either be far easier to bind, or at least feel good with clothes on, which was better than what i was at pre op. anyway, part of looking at all of the complications and worst case scenarios was me realising that the worst complications come from nipple grafts. and like, the percentage is so fucking low, and of course all i saw were the pics of people who were scared and looking for guidance, but i was ALSO scared and stressed.

my surgeon said 3% of his patients get complications or come back for revisions, and the most common was aesthetic issues that patients were pre-warned about (like “hey heads up, ur probably gonna have dog ears” and then the patient has dog ears). i was talking about how i saw one dude online who had necrotic skin after surgery and had massive holes in his chest and my surgeon was like “WHAT?? i’ve never seen that in my LIFE, or even HEARD about that in this country”. but i got in my head and convinced myself that if i got nipples i would absolutely implode and die.

anyway basically i was just scared of nipples. i knew that my post op chest could be shit and i’d still be happier, but i wasn’t convinced at all that i would be happier with complicated nipples vs no nipples

TLDR - i healed suspiciously well and i had no complications other than a really mild bit of dog earring which isn’t really noticeable and is going away with time (i’m currently 6 months post op), but also i’m so chill without nipples, so while i reckon i could’ve got perfect nipples, i don’t miss my nipples or regret going without them. i was like a maniac post op, it was insane. i took 2 weeks off work like recommended and proceeded to be fine without painkillers after like 4 days. shit was wild.

i probably will get some tattoos to cover up my scarring, i’m first gonna wait and see what my lil dog ear does as i keep building muscle and healing and if i don’t feel like i need a lil revision on it. cuz i don’t want to pay £500 for some sick dragon tatts on my chest one to realise i need to let my surgeon cut me up again lmao

poll for ppl who have had/are planning to have top surgery (any sort, mastectomy/reduction/augmentation/whatever) cause im wondering about how many ppl here opt for no nipple grafts. I'm assuming if this gets votes most will b trans ppl for obvious reasons, but cis ppl feel free to vote you if got something relevant, your call

(no "show results" button bc i dont want the results mega skewed, pls dont use the "other" as "show results" just wait a week. schedule a reblog or st. ty.)

QUESTIONS FOR THE TAGS if u feel like answering any:

gender+what surgery+nipples yes/no

for ppl who opted for no nips, any partic motivations for your decision? comfort, cost, easier healing, just like the vibes, etc?

any plans on tattoos, or just gonna leave blank? (still trying to decide if i wanna do coraline buttons for myself....)

as usual reblog to give this very scientific poll a slightly different sampling bias

[words-for-holland]

Christmas Admirers Teaser |T.H.

Pairing: Fratboy!Tom x Reader

Summary:  Tom Holland and Y/N have never crossed each other’s paths in the 3 years of their college career. but can a silly letter change all that? 

Loosely Inspired by Dash & Lily and every other cheesy Hallmark Christmas Rom-Com Movie out there. 

A/N: This wont be a series but this story is going to be really long when it’s done but tbh not sure if Im really like how its coming...Ha...ha.. But I’ll still do a taglist for this when it’s completed so feel free to add yourself if you’d like.

Taglist

Wanna Play a Game?

All it took was one bright red letter and four words to intrigue the most beloved, foreign exchange student of New York University, Tom Holland. If his name sounds familiar to you, then you already know the answer to the question that just popped in your head. Yes, not only was Tom Holland a well renowned actor, he was also a student exploring the wonders of college along with his best friend Harrison. Some say he was only attending to prepare for a role, others say he did it to have his fun with sorority girls, and a very small percentage believed he was actually trying to get his degree in theater. Whatever the reason, college life suited him well, being the head of the Beta Gamma Sigma Fraternity, living the bachelors life with a new girl around his arm every week, but it was all the same...until he found that red letter sticking out of an abandoned shelf in the Potter’s Library.

He remembered it clearly, the day he found it. Tom had reluctantly arrived at the Library assuming his mates would be there to actually study for an exam they had this upcoming week. Lord knows if they didn’t pass this final with at least a C this semester, they would surely relive the nightmares with Professor Gonpu in the next. Yet to no surprise, none of them came and ditched last minute as the pool of messages started to flood his phone.

“Great.” Tom muttered to himself as he took a seat at the far right corner of the library. The area was empty, and as he slouched on the wooden chair and pushed it back, the boy hadn’t realize how close to the empty shelf he was. With a single thud, came a small red letter floating above and gently making its way down to his lap. The inviting words peaked his interest, and while he checked both front and back for a name, the letter should have been addressed to...there was none. He unfolded it and read it to himself.

Do you want a play a game?

You seem like the type of person that has nothing better to do, so let’s make it a little more interesting. I wont tell you who I am, but if I deem you worthy...I just might.

Still with me?

I’ll give you five clues to figure out this location. Everything you need is here in the Library. And...if you even think about using that phone, you might as well put this letter back where you found it. After all.. you’re in a library and it’s got all the information you need. Ready?

Tom looked at it puzzled by the words. “Do people actually do this shit?”, he thought to himself. He continued to read on, examining each clue and the 5 lines next to them.

1. You’ll find your first clue, deals with a tragic romance. He had all the money in the world but never ends up with the one he loves.

“Too easy.” Tom smiled to himself as he quickly looked for The Great Gatsby. He referenced the red letter seeing only 3 spaces for the first clue. “Jay” he whispered to himself, as he triumphantly wrote out the words.

2. Know what else is more shitty than dying and not having the love your life? Writing a depressing poem about the love your life dying. Or as Poe would imagine, a beautiful maiden by the sea.

He smirked at the line, knowing fully well the poem that the mysterious letter was referencing, and quickly headed to the poetry section. Tom scanned the row of books, until the black book with white lettering caught his eye. Flipping through the broken pages, he found exactly what he was looking for. “In this kingdom by the sea, but we loved with a love that was more than love, I and my Annabel Lee.” he muttered the lines, a smile slowly creeping up. Tom writes out the word “Lee” in the 3 lettered blank. “Tragic Romance, how typical.” he says to himself. Though his voice was laced with disinterest, it was Tom’s favorite poem, but he’d never tell anyone that.

It continued on this rhythm of deciphering clues and running around the Library like a chicken without a head to figure out what the letter wanted from Tom. He had been so focused that his plan to study for Gonpu’s final and meeting with the fraternity has completely flown out the window. As of now, Tom’s main priority was to find the answers to the letter’s puzzling challenge. Maybe, if he answered it, he would know who the mysterious writer was.

Then it happened. The last clue was solved, as Tom quickly wrote out the final word, examining his work and trying to make sense of what he found. There were no other instructions left on the letter which only made Tom more puzzled. It wasn’t a name. It wasn’t a thing. It was a place on campus. Jay Lee’s Coffee Lounge, the most serene coffee spot you’ll ever find in NYU. It offered all the essentials needed to focus and complete your work all with a side of great cold brew made in house. People say it’s NYU’s best kept secret, but really it’s because students will rarely go since it’s so out of the way.

He made it to the shop after thirty minutes, and stepped into the calm atmosphere. The smell of gingerbread lattes hit him once he opened the doors, and soft chatter between students filled the air. He looked around the area in hopes to find the person who wrote the letter. Perhaps they were waiting for him, but it was unlikely since Tom wasn’t even sure if the letter was written that same day. For all he knew, he could be wasting his time, and yet....it didnt feel like it. Almost as if he felt he was meant to be here.

“Mate, what are you doing here?!” Tom followed the robust British voice as he whipped his head to the counter. His best friend Harrison, dressed in a Jay Lee’s short sleeved shirt.

“Harrison? You...work here?” He asked voice filled with confusion. Not once did Harrison tell Tom about his side job. In fact it was almost offensive to think the blonde hair bloke would even it hide it from him.

“Yeah...I didn’t really tell anyone because well you know, it’s the last place people would expect a frat to be working in. Reputations and all...What about you? I didn’t think this place was your type of thing.” he asked.

“It’s not...” he paused for a moment, debating on whether to tell Harrison what he found. If it led Tom here, Harrison might know who wrote the letter. He hoped it was girl...God he really hoped it was. “Actually, I was at the library today waiting for you divs --”

“Oh yeah sorry mate.” Harrison looked at Tom apologetically.

“No, its fine really. But I found something interesting, and --”

“Tom, if it’s another blonde wannabe model, I --”

“Bloody hell, Harrison just listen to me. I..” Tom paused for a moment to quickly check his surroundings before pulling up the red paper. “I found this red letter. Made me go on bloody goose chase and led me here. You dont happen to know anything about this do you?”

Harrison took the letter and examined it thoroughly reading the lines word for word and the notes Tom made next to them. He was just as intrigued, but unfortunately shook his head, unsure of the answer to Tom’s question as well. “Sorry, Mate. I have no clue. Never seen anyone here writing out a red letter before.”

Tom held the letter, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Was this it? Did he really just waste a whole 3 hours in the library and 30 minutes worth of gas for nothing? “I just dont understand.” he muttered.

“Look if you really think the person that wrote this letter wanted you to be here, why don’t you just write a message in it and post it on the corkboard? Im working the entire week, so I’ll keep an eye on who grabs it and let you know.“

It didnt seem like a half bad plan, Tom nodded in agreement and grabbed a pen from his bag, writing his reply in the empty space, the mysterious writer was so kind enough to leave. He posted it on the corkboard, and turned back to his friend.

“Dont forget.” Tom pleaded.

“I wont mate.”

[13uswntimagines]

I Was Never Just a Rebound

Request: Lindsey helps reader get over her breakup with Christen pt.2- Sequal to I don’t want you to be a Rebound

Hey dudes, i hope you enjoy this! I know it’s kinda long, but I though a lot of the fallout stuff was necessary! To the people effected by college and the hurricane, i hope you’re doing well and that this can bring you a little bit of joy in some uncertain times. Hit me up with requests, questions or if you just wanna say Hi! I’m always open to chat. 

You knew that national team camp was going to be a challenge after the breakup, but you hadn’t anticipated the shit show that had awaited you. Vlatko had defended his choice of sticking you in the same room as Tobin as “maintaining team unity” and “fixing team cohesion”, but you were convinced that he just had a sick sense of humor. At least you had Lindsey (and her Roommate Emily by default) to back you up. 

The kiss hadn’t changed the dynamic between you and Lindsey all that much, to be honest. If anything, it made you closer. In the three months after the kiss you had still texted and FaceTimed several times a day, but now there was a different air of ease that surrounded each interaction. As though you were both more comfortable with where you stood with each other. You knew about her feelings for you, and she knew that you were still very not ready for a serious relationship. (Though you did find it slightly odd that all of your Tinder hookups had blond hair instead of brown.) 

 You stood in front of the mirror, placing the finishing touches on your outfit for tonight. Just because it was technically a Tinder one-night stand didn’t mean that the girl didn’t deserve to be wooed. You had been at camp for a total of 4 hours and you already couldn’t stand to be around them. The “happy couple” as they were called had a propensity for making out everywhere, no matter who was present. 

Each touch felt like a knife in your already torn up heart, so you had resorted to the only therapist approved coping mechanisms that you could right now, rebound sex. 

“Where are you getting all dressed up to go?” Tobin's voice broke you out of your thoughts as she wandered into the room that the two of you were supposed to be sharing, her eyebrows furrowing as she took in your button-down shirt, vest and slacks. 

“Out.” You responded shortly, not even sparing her a glance. 

“But we have practice tomorrow,” She continued. You could hear your exasperation. You had never been a goodie two shoes, but you had also never been one to blatantly break rules while at camp. You didn’t take many things seriously, but soccer was one of them. 

“Your point,” You spat. She had lost the right to have an opinion on your behavior the moment she had even entertained the idea of sleeping with Christen. 

“You don’t have to leave if you don’t want to,” She mumbled. 

“I want to” You rolled your eyes, rolling up the sleeves of your shirt. 

“I’m going to stay with Chris to make things less awkward” Tobin murmured, shifting foot to foot. 

“Do whatever you want Tobin,” You said, your voice completely void of emotion, finally turning to face her. 

“Just know that I didn’t ask Vlatko to put us together torture you alright,” She insisted tilting her head to the side and biting her lip. She hated how fucking awkward things had become between the two of you.

“No, you do that just fine all on your own,” You laughed humorlessly.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Her eyes snapped up to meet your own, shock evident in her features. Sure she had messed up, but she would never intentionally hurt you. 

“It means that I get it. It means that I should have known that the entire team would be behind you on this one because I’m just the fuck up who was never good enough for her. Trust me, do I get it, and I would appreciate it if you didn’t shove it in my face every three seconds,” You rushed out, the voices of your teammates congratulating the happy couple like freshly squeezed lemon juice to you half-healed heart. It had burned and ached and brought back every insecurity that you had worked your whole career to get over. 

“We weren’t, we were just…” She stumbled over her words and you rolled your eyes. 

“Doing all of the things you couldn’t do for the months you were seeing each other behind my back,” You finished for her, sending her a smile that was too mocking to be friendly. 

“It wasn’t months,” She huffed, settling into the edge of the bed that was meant to be hers. 

“Then how long was it Tobin?” Venom leaked into your question. A dangerous calm taking over your features. You didn’t know the whole story, but you knew enough to know that it hadn’t been the first time. 

“Since the night we won the World Cup,” 

You recoiled from the admission as though you had been slapped. 

“I’m so fucking stupid,” You laughed mirthlessly, closing your eyes in an attempt to control your emotions. 

“You’re not and I’m sorry that…” She started, attempting to fix the obvious pain that she had just inflicted. 

“Don’t. Don’t fucking apologize to me when I know that you’re not sorry. Just.” Your voice was cold, colder than she had ever heard it. “Just-. Just forget it alright.” You finished, shaking your head and returning your attention to finding your shoes so you could get the fuck out of this room. 

“We can’t just pretend like it never happened” she sniffled wetly. 

“We’re not pretending anything. Well, that’s a lie. We” you gestured between the two of you “are going to pretend that we were never friends and you were going to leave me the fuck alone”

“You can’t just erase history Y/n. I know you know that better than anyone” She pleaded. She had been your best friend since you were in diapers. You had been through it all together, things like that couldn’t just disappear, could they?

“Don’t fucking talk to me about my past Tobin” You growled, advancing on the woman.  

“I’m so…” She started, holding her hands up as if to pacify you. 

“I told you to stop apologizing,” You snapped. You knew the apology was out of pity and not because they felt bad about what had happened. they just felt bad that they had been caught. You often wondered how long they would have let you believe that she was still in love with you. How would they have broken the news? 

“I don’t know what you want me to say to you. I’m not going to say I regret it because that would mean that I regret finally getting the love of my life. I know that what we did was wrong but,” she started, frustration leaking into her tone. She didn’t want to hurt you, but she would never say that wished she didn’t have Christen. 

“But what Tobin? You never meant to hurt me? How many times did you watch me kiss her knowing that you were the one that she wanted? How many times did you reassure me that she loved me while you knew that it was you who she was dreaming of? How many times did you look at that ring on her finger and laugh because you knew she was never even entertaining the idea of walking down that aisle to meet me.” your chest was heaving by the end of your rant, your cheeks red with exertion. Tobin’s mouth remained shut, and her eyes stayed trained on the floor. “That’s what I thought. You know my past and you knew exactly what you were going to do to me each time you hooked up with each other. So let’s just drop the fucking pretense that you actually give a fuck about anyone but yourselves.” You said lowly.

“I don’t know what else I’m supposed to say. I don’t know how to fix it,” She exploded, her voice thick with emotion, running her hands ran through her hair, her typically chill demeanor nowhere to be found. You felt guilty at the small shiver of satisfaction that rolled through you, as she experienced a small percentage of the pain you were feeling. But this was her bed to lie in and not yours. At least she would have Christen to keep her warm. 

“That’s the thing. You don’t say anything and you stop trying to fix it. You sack up and accept the guilt and leave me the fuck alone,” Your voice was soft but dangerous. Like the edge of a razor running on skin. Your tone nothing your best friend had ever heard before. 

“You’re my best friend,” She pleaded, the tears rolling down her cheeks, and you resisted the urge to comfort her. 

“No. I’m a fellow forward on the same team as you. That’s it. I’m your colleague who you only talk to on the pitch,” you said, your voice wavering. It was bad enough that you had lost Christen but nearly unbearable that she was the one you had lost her to. 

“Y/n…” She started, only to be cut off by a soft knock at the door, and you thanked your lucky stars. You weren’t sure if you could remain strong through the rest of that. You stumbled over to the door, and flung it open, releasing a breath you didn’t know you were holding when you saw the woman on the other side. 

 “Am I interrupting something?” Lindsey asked, taking in Tobin’s red-rimmed eyes and your agitated expression. She kept her face neutral at your outfit, even though you did look incredibly stunning all dressed up, she still preferred you in your old sweats cuddled up ready to watch a movie. 

“No, I was just leaving,” You hummed, your features instantly brightening at her appearance.“I’ll text you later?. I heard Emily say something about a movie night?”You smile, waiting for her to nod before kissing her forehead and heading towards the door.

“For sure babe,” she smiled back, kissing your cheek in return. You send her a wink before exiting the room, completely missing Tobin’s eyebrows shooting up into her hairline. 

 “She hates me,” Tobin sniffed as she watched you go, and Lindsey frowned. More so at the fact that you were clearly going for a tinder hookup instead of hanging out with her than anything else. She got that you were hurt, but watching you rebuild the wall around your heart was scary. 

While the two of you were emotionally more connected than ever before, the likelihood of you stepping into a serious relationship seemed to be oceans away.

“Well, she has a pretty good reason to,” Lindsey rolled her eyes and sat down on the bed next to Tobin’s distraught form, wrapping a comforting arm around her shoulder. 

“We didn’t mean to hurt her,” Tobin whined. Why wouldn’t anyone listen to them when they said it. They loved you and hurting you was the last thing in their mind. They just didn’t know how to be honest with you about the situation. At least you didn’t run away to the UK this time. 

“Yeah, I would start by never ever saying that again,” Lindsey said lowly. She knew how much you hated when they said that. It always felt like they were diminishing the amount of devastation you felt at their betrayal. As though there was no way to avoid their happiness coming at the cost of your own. 

“What else are we supposed to say? We love each other and don’t regret that we finally got together,” Tobin grumbled exasperatedly. She didn’t know how to fix this, and you weren’t giving her any clues. 

“You just regret that you lied and destroyed your best friend in the process?” Lindsey shrugged sarcastically.  

“Exactly! Wait, That came out wrong,”  Tobin blushed at the admission and Lindsey’s raised eyebrows. 

“Just give her some time, and maybe start by keeping the PDA to yourself,” Lindsey said calmly, patting Tobin’s knee. To be honest, the preath kissing was even beginning to wear on her, so she could only imagine how you felt about it. She had asked, but you always clammed up.

“We’re not going to stop being a couple to cushion her feelings,” Tobin huffed crossings her arms like a petulant child. That wasn’t fair to them either. 

“I’m not asking you to, but it might be more courteous for the two of you not have a fucking make out session while she’s sitting at the same table,” Lindsey mumbled gently. She hated how quiet you got, how much you retreated into yourself when the two women were around. She just wished that she could relieve your pain (what she didn’t know was that she already did). 

“I’m going to go talk to Chris, just… let me know that she made it to movie night in one piece alright?” Tobin asked hesitantly, and Lindsey gave her a tiny nod. Protective instincts were hard to break, and Tobin had been your protector for a long time. Hell, you had moved in with her after your parents kicked you out when they caught you making out with your first girlfriend in 9th grade. Her mom was more nurturing to you than your own had ever been, and she was the older sibling that you never had.

Tobin made her way to the door, pausing as she opened it. “Hey Linds, take care of her, ok?” She asked softly, staring at the floor. You were guarded and hard to handle, but maybe Lindsey would be able to break through those walls. 

“I will,” Lindsey nodded solemnly, and she would. 

*****

You’d say that camp was going swimmingly. Vlatko had let you start in the friendly against England, and you scored 3 goals so you were super pumped. It also helped that the English national team was always down for some flirting. So here you were, flirting with Leah Williamson. 

Emily watched you win disdain from the bench, while Lindsey simply wore an amused expression. Leah and Jordan were in a committed relationship, and it was fun to watch you lay on the moves. 

“Are you seriously going to sit here and watch her hit on anything with legs?” Emily asked scrunching up her nose, as you swapped jerseys with Leah. 

“We’re not dating, and it’s her apparently ‘therapist approved coping mechanism’ or whatever,” Lindsey shrugged, a bemused smile on her lips, as Leah and Jordan kissed your cheeks. You had had many conversations with the woman about your ‘coping’, and it seemed that while you didn’t want Lindsey to be your rebound, you had no problems having others fill that role. Somehow you always ended up back in her bed ready to cuddle. 

“Please, you guys have basically been in a relationship since her breakup with Chris, the only difference is that she hooks up with Tinder dates instead of hooking up with you” Emily snorted, remembering the many times she had watched you leave with a tinder date you never returned with. All of the women had a very interesting resemblance to a certain midfielder you both knew rather than a green-eyed forward. 

“We’re not dating,” Lindsey rolled her eyes for the millionth time. Did she like your coping mechanism? No. But she preferred it over the self-deprecating tendencies that have plagued you the first few months after the split. You were a shell of yourself, determined to wear your mental anguish as physical marks on your skin. It had torn her apart to see you like that, and she was proud that you had picked yourself up the way you did. That you allowed her to help you help yourself. 

“No, you guys just call each other nonstop, go on adorable dates and sleep all cuddled up in the same bed,” Emily smirked at the woman. How could two people be so deep in denial? You of your feelings and Lindsey of the status of your relationship. You loved her, anyone with eyes could see that, and Emily often wondered if you were just flaunting your hookup as a bratty way to try and get Lindsey to finally make a claim. 

“She’s not ready for a relationship, and we’re not that close,” Lindsey snapped, tired of this conversation. You weren’t ready to make that commitment and she wasn’t going to force you. You were best friends, and best friends did things like cuddle and call each other and watch movies. 

“You guys have always been emotionally close,” Christen said, staring at the way you were holding Leah’s hand to your chest, smiling what her and Tobin had dubbed the fan smile because it always got people to flock towards you. Her breathing caught when you looked Lindsey’s way, waving at the woman and sending her your real smile. The smile you always saved for Christen. She sat on the bench next to the two women, finally tearing her eyes away from you.“I was always jealous of the way you two clicked from the moment you met,” She murmured, and Lindsey tensed at her presence. 

“Like you clicked with Tobin? Oh, yeah that’s right, we’re not fucking behind everyone’s back,” The blond midfielder scoffed. She had seen the destruction that Christen had left behind. Had seen how much it killed you when the team accepted Preath with open arms. Someone here had to be on your side, and she would back you up all the way. 

“Be nice Linds,” Tobin scolded as she sat on Christen’s other side, sending Lindsey a frown. She didn’t like the rift that had formed between all of you. 

“It’s alright,” Christen murmured, placing a hand on Tobin’s knee. “I know that you’ll never believe me but my greatest regret about this whole thing is that she got hurt in the process,” She finished softly, shaking her head.  She knew that you wouldn’t believe her now, but maybe she could get through to the new women who had stolen your heart. Perhaps one day you would listen to her and give her the forgiveness she was after. 

“She’s right kid. Chris and her were growing apart, and she was growing closer to you,” Tobin added carefully, remembering all of the calls where Christen had called about your distraction. About how you were always talking about team blond. She knew you loved Chris, but there was always some undeniable chemistry between you and Lindsey. 

“I just-, we made a mistake, but I’m glad that she’s got you to help her,” Christen finished softly, a shy smile making its way across her face when you again glanced towards the bench to see if Lindsey was watching you (and when you frowned when she wasn’t). She would always miss how much you craved the attention of the people you loved, almost like a puppy would. 

“We’re not in a relationship because she doesn’t want me to be her rebound from you. I’m like 90% sure she’s not over you.” Lindsey spat. 

“That’s why all her tinder hookups are all blonds and not brunettes right?” Emily smirked. It was a checkmate. The ace in the hole if you will. Lindsey could deny her feelings for you all she wanted and explain away all of the evidence, but she couldn’t explain that. She couldn’t deny that you were attracted to her when all of the girls you picked up looked like her. 

“Shut up guys,” Lindsey grumbled, refusing to concede defeat. Refusing to admit the truth. Christen watched her for a moment, running a hand through her hair. You were running, too afraid to be hurt. She knew that. It’s what you did best. 

“Just don’t let her push you away.” She whispered. It was the only piece of advice she could offer. She wanted you to find your happiness again, and fuckgirl Y/n wasn’t it. 

“I won’t.” Lindsey nodded, grabbing Christen’s hand and squeezing it. She wouldn’t let you run forever. 

*****

Little did she know just how stubborn you could be. It had been a year of almost dating. A year of dancing around the subject, only for you to run away again. Your behavior had become less erratic. You transferred from Utah to Portland, deciding that having Sonnett and Lindsey were a fair trade for having to deal with Tobin’s puppy eyes. 

You hadn’t forgiven her, not yet, but you were making your way there. At least you weren’t blatantly ignoring her anymore. 

In Lindsey’s mind, the greatest victory was that you spent less time getting into other people’s pants and more time hanging out with her. When you transferred to Portland, Lindsey had welcomed you with open arms, even allowing you to share an apartment with her (with the excuse of Mark being unable to find you one of your own). So here you were, in a club celebrating another NWSL championship. 

“You do realize that you’re going to have to be the one to make the first move right?” Emily nudged Lindsey’s shoulder as they watched you dance with a group of girls from the bar. They giggled as you casually grabbed a hand that had tried to work its way up your shirt, placed a kiss on the knuckle, and continued dancing with the girl. They couldn’t deny that you were a smooth operator. 

“What if she’s not ready?” Lindsey asked biting her lip, sighing as you grabbed another hand that was trying to get under your shirt. 

“It’s been a year,” Emily rolled her eyes. God, she had never met two more oblivious people in her entire life.

 “Yeah and she hasn’t hooked up with anyone for like 6 months,” Tobin added, taking a sip of her beer. 

“Plus the two of you have practically been living together,” Emily finished, high fiving Tobin. What it would take to get the two of you together, she didn’t know. But pointing out the obvious couldn’t hurt. 

“It’s just cause she got traded to Portland,” Lindsey shrugged off the implication. 

“She turned down Marks offer to set her up in a loft,” Tobin reminded her, distinctly remembering Marks’ complaints that you had refused his offer to get you a loft in the building she was living in. Your eyes met Lindsey’s from across the room, and you sent her a blinding smile that was reserved only for her and a wink. 

“I think it’s safe to say that she’s waiting for you to make the first move,” Emily laughed, patting Lindsey on the back in encouragement. The only thing missing from your relationship with her was the label. And from the way you shied away from labels, it was safe to say that you weren’t going to be the one asking Lindsey out. 

Lindsey let out a growl when the girl that you were dancing with yet again tried to feel your abs. You frowned at the insistent hand. How could the girl not get the hint? She marched in your direction, tapping the girl on the shoulder. 

“Mind if I cut in,” she spat, the girl taking a step back in shock. Lindsey took the opportunity to slip in front of you, pulling your hands to her waist. 

“Linds?” You asked, your eyebrows furrowing, pulling her close to you so you could talk to her over the loud music of the clip. 

“I’m in love with you, but I think you know that, and I think that you’re in love with me too,” She said firmly, her blue eyes staring into your own as she connected your foreheads. 

“I don’t want you to be a rebound,” you whispered, your breath fanning across her lips. Your cheeks flushed at the intimacy of the situation. You loved Lindsey, but another relationship scared you.

“You don’t spend hours on the phone with your rebound. You don’t move to a different city to be closer to them. You don’t share the connection That we do. I’m so much more than a rebound and you know it. You just have to take that leap,”

She finished breathlessly, and just like the night of your breakup you leaned up and placed a gentle kiss in her lips. And just like the first time, your lips fit together like they were made for each other, moving in harmony together. 

Her tongue probed your bottom lip and allowed her to deepen the kiss. Her fingers tangled in the baby hairs at the lack of your neck, and your hands wrapped around her Lower back to pull her closer to you. You reluctantly pulled away when air became an issue, keeping your eyes closed as your rested your foreheads together, bumping her nose with your own. 

“Go on a date with me?” She asked, and your eyes snapped open to meet hers. 

“Mmm, I wouldn’t like anything more,” You smiled, pecking her lips again. You knew Lindsey would be so much more than a rebound. She would be the love of your life.

[thoughtfullyyoungduck]

Scars

Summary: could you do a losers club x reader where she has scars or maybe she’s having a panic attack and basically she just hides it and then the losers find out and comfort her and they find out it’s henry so they all go and confront him

Warning: mentions of scars and low self-esteem because of it

A/N: I hope you enjoy it! Let me know what you think

‘Hey guys, the clubhouse is the other way, or did you forget?’

‘Oh did we not tell you?’ Richie smirks, leaving you to instantly prepare for the worst. ‘Change of plans, we’re going to the quarry.’

For every time the losers go swimming, there’s an excuse to weasel out of it. The first few times the losers wanted to go to the quarry, you simply claimed you couldn’t swim, that the water terrified you with its unpredictable waves that could kill you at any moment if you weren’t considered enough. That excuse lasted for a while, until Richie scoured through your photo albums and found a photo of you as a little girl grinning from ear to ear in the sea near where your old home was. Then the losers started getting suspicious and called you out on it.

You were forced to admit, under rosy cheeks and a heart full of guilt, that you lied to them about not being able to swim, and you were just joking to see how long I would last before they caught on. The reasoning was flimsy at best, and Stan, never one to take bullshit from anyone, saw straight through you but remained silent.

The next time the quarry was brought up, you agreed to go, but canceled with the justification that you were sick. The time after that you were grounded, and after that you had more chores to do then you anticipated and couldn’t finish them in time to join.

You knew time was running out, and that sooner or later the losers would notice that you always and only didn’t show up whenever the activity was swimming. You didn’t back down for anything else, ranging from going to the movies or helping Eddie sneak out of his house at night, you’d be there and you’d do it. And in reality, swimming really didn’t faze you at all. Sure, it was unpredictable and could be potentially dangerous, but you thrived under that. You like the way danger adds a bit of spice to the boring and normal life you would otherwise be forced to live in a small town like Derry.

The water isn’t the problem for you, it doesn’t frighten you the way you claimed, what frightens you is the idea of your friends seeing the remnants of what Henry Bowers has done to you.

The day you moved to Derry, way before Beverly approached you and offered you a spot in the losers club, Henry cornered you outside of Keens pharmacy. You’d picked up some Tylenol to stash in your medicine cabinet at home when Henry, who you had no idea at was an actually psychopath at the time, asked you for your name.

His goons were hidden somewhere you couldn’t see, and fresh with the nervousness of being the new kid in a small town, you had been grateful someone was willing to be friendly and get acquainted with you. The sick grin playing on his features was a cruel taunt towards you having to much faith in your fellow peers. He surprised you with a knife gash to the arm, a probable single for the others to come help him by holding you back by the arms, while Henry quote; ‘Do to this bitch what I couldn’t do the fat boy.’

The name Henry now starkly proclaims what he perpetrated, and it’s the cutting is obvious every time you take your shirt off. It’s a disgusting claim Henry tried to force on you, and you won’t allow it to be seen by anyone, including your friends. And if that meant lying to them about a triviality, then so be it.

The sun glistens on the quarry water as the group arrives, and in a moment of undisclosed frustration, you glare at the water that has given you such a hard time over the past few months. In retaliation, the light reflection hits you straight in the eyes, effectively blinding you for a second.

‘Okay Y/N, time to make a decision, wanna jump from the cliff and get it over with or start slow by walking in? If it makes the choice easier, Eddie’s mom always rolls in.’ Richie says to you, grinning as a furious Eddie throws insults at him.

There’s not a lot of excuses that can be called up at the last moment, but you try to think of one anyway.

‘Actually I don’t feel so good, I think I’m going to sit this one out, but you guys go ahead and have fun.’

‘No, we’re going to help you overcome your fear of swimming today, no more putting it off.’

‘What?’

‘Your fear of swimming. Don’t think we haven’t noticed.’ Bev explains, already well on her way of throwing her clothes in a heap, leaving her in her swimwear. You gulp loudly and hope no one noticed it.  

‘Don’t be embarrassed. All of us are scared of something, but that’s what we’re here for, we help each other, so now we’re going to help you with this.’ Mike’s a sweetheart, all of your friends are, but this issue is for beyond what they think they know.

Richie and Eddie, ever the two amok makers, are in the water up to their waist shoving each other forward without waiting on the rest of the losers. It seems fun, and you really want to join in. You heard all about the water games they play when you’re too busy avoiding getting undressed and admittedly, it always stings. But it doesn’t sting enough for you to get over the weariness of showing the losers what Henry did to you.  

‘We can stay on the side if you prefer that? We won’t go any further than we can stand, I promise.’ The earnestly of the statement is what makes it so hard to decline.

‘Hey guys,’ Ben speaks up after regarding you with peeked curiosity. ‘What if we do something more fun today? We could swim with our clothes on.’

‘Ben I don’t think-‘

‘Actually, that’s a great idea. I’d really like that.’ Getting to keep your shirt on means that your scar won’t be visible, and because Ben suggested it, no one will be suspicious of you.

‘With clothes in the water? Are you crazy? Swimming with clothes increases the percentage of dying by, I don’t even know how much but like 90%.’ Eddie’s hurriedly rushing back to shore, trying to get on dry land as fast as possible. He doesn’t think twice about running over the tiny rocks that he usually carefully avoids, convinced that they carry some kind of decease with them, not when he has a whole lot of information to share. His frantic behavior causes you to chuckle.

‘Eddie-‘ Bev hisses in warning. With her eyes she tries to send a silent message, trying to get Eddie to stop talking.’

‘No it’s okay. Like Bill said, I’ll just stay on the side.’ You smile gratefully towards Ben, who reciprocates almost inconspicuously.

‘Well if your highnesses are finally done chattering our afternoon away, can we now please get on with it? I have an eight o’clock appointment with Eddie’s mom.’

‘Beep beep Richie’, the whole group chants.

As it turns out, you missed out on a lot more than just taking a dip. You forewent hours of playing chicken and sitting on the shoulders of your friends in a battle to push the losers on someone else shoulder off, and dunking Richie underwater once his bravery took over his mouth. You missed out on karaoke from the water, listening to a song on the radio that Mike brought with him from the farm house.

To protect yourself from disappointment, you’d imagined these trips to be the same boring routine all the time, but you had been proven wrong. Now you finally understood why the losers were always so eager to go to the quarry again. It’s probably even better without wet clothes sticking to your skin and the fear that in a play fight your shirt would crawl a little too high to reveal Henry’s signature, but the day you had was perfect none the less.

All the activity has worn you out, especially with the extra weight of wet clothes to drag you down, so you decide to rest up on land, sitting in the direction of your friends who are still going at it. Richie scoop his hands full of water and aims it at Eddie, who screeches and dips him under water for his efforts while the rest of the group shakes their head fondly. A typical day with the losers.

‘I don’t like taking off my shirt either.’ Ben says, spooking you with how close he’s standing suddenly. You hadn’t even heard him coming.

‘Oh, why?’ Ben having very little to no self-esteem isn’t a secret, and you’d overheard enough things at school to figure out why, but you didn’t think that was an issue with the losers, where everyone had their own little quirks and oddities and nobody was made fun of for it.

‘My weight for one,’ he laughs but it’s not bitter, it’s more a self-deprecating laugh, like the idea that he isn’t repulsive is too funny to consider. ‘And the Henry thing.’

‘What Henry thing?’

‘You didn’t know?’ He lifts up the edges of shirt, exhibiting the large letter H carved into the soft skin of his stomach. It’s nauseating, not because it’s ugly, but the fact that anyone, psychopath or not, could do something that cruel to sweet Ben. A realization dawns on you.

‘Henry didn’t like me very much, I think he was trying to do his full name and scare me off but he didn’t get the chance. Anyway it’s fine, I’ve got you guys to make me feel better. I just wanted to tell you so you’d know you aren’t alone.’ He stands up and prepares to dive back into the water, but his braveness has created a path for yours.

‘Ben wait’, you call out, dashing over to his side. ‘He did it to me too’, you say in one breath, afraid that if you think about it to much you’ll back down. ‘Look.’ Your fingers trace over the scare tissue as you raise your shirt just enough so the bottom of the lines are visible. ‘I guess he had more time with me then with you.’

‘Y/N’, Ben exhales shocked. His hand hovers over shirt, unsure if he’s allowed to touch. ‘I’m so sorry that happened to you.’

‘It’s fine, there’s nothing that can be done about it now anyway. I was just embarrassed about it I guess. But when you showed me yours, I finally understood there was nothing to be ashamed of.’

‘Hey shitheads, are you coming back in or what?’ Richie voice cuts through the atmosphere hanging around Ben and you. It breaks you out of your shared world of past grievances and hurt, and back into the new era full of love and a friendship that will never abandon either of you.

‘We’re coming’, you yell to Richie, then look back to Ben. Let’s take our shirts off’, you suggest, waiting on Ben’s conformation or denial. ‘There’s nothing for either of us to be ashamed of, so let’s just do it. Fuck Henry.’

Ben laughs, then nods determinately. ‘Yeah, fuck Henry indeed.’

The both of you run into the water wearing nothing but your swimsuits.

A few days later you walk past the school entrance with new found confidence. Of course the losers had question, but you answered them as best as you could, and it feels like a part of you, a part you didn’t want, has been left in the past while you’ve moved forward.

As you walk past the girls bathroom, you happen to pick up on two girls gossiping to the other, all hushed as if they’re sharing the biggest secret anyone could imagine.

‘Didn’t you hear? Apparently those kids that call themselves the losers club ambushed him last night. They say that Henry never stood a change and that he cried like a baby.’

‘Shoot, I would have payed money to see that.’ ��                                              

You roll your eyes, already thinking of ways to simultaneously kill and thank your friends.

[aewriting]

So, I was innocently doing some Duolingo this morning when I started getting flooded with past-tense declarations of love. Which made me think of Malex, naturally.  And this quick, cracky, fluffy little fic was born.

Words: 2187

Relationships: Brief Forlex, Endgame Malex

Warning for brief mention of homophobia, Duolingo frustration

***

“What the actual hell?”

“Alex?”

Alex looks up from his phone.  Forrest is standing at his kitchen counter, frowning slightly at him. “Everything okay?”

Alex rubs tiredly at his face, puts his phone to the side.  “Yeah, fine. It’s just… have you ever used Duolingo?”

Forrest snorts a little.  “I mean, yeah, a little bit. Why?”

Alex shakes his head slightly, looks away.  “It’s, it’s nothing.  Stupid.” He pauses.  “I’ve been brushing up on my Spanish.  It used to be a lot better, but with being away all these years, not using it…” He shrugs. “Figured I’d download Duolingo, start working through it, you know?”

Forrest’s brow is furrowed.  “Don’t you have a bunch of friends that speak Spanish, though?  Liz, her cousin?” He smiles a little, then.  “Kyle? The doctor?” He raises an eyebrow. “Wouldn’t mind watching you and Dr. Kyle speaking Spanish to each other, you know?”

Alex fixes him with a look. “Yeah, they all speak it, it’s just… I dunno, I want to have at least the basics down before I go to them for help.  I feel like once I have a good base again, I’ll ask one of them to do some practice with me.” He shakes his head.  “I don’t even know what I want to get out of this, just figured it’s better than, like, mindless scrolling, you know?”

Forrest cocks his head to the side.  “Sure.” He’s opening the fridge. “Want anything in your coffee?”

Alex’s mouth twitches a little. This is… far from his first morning after, with Forrest. He’s taken his coffee black. Every time.  And yet, every time, Forrest offers him sugar, cream.  He can’t decide if he’s just trying to be a good host or if he really doesn’t remember. “I’m good, thanks,” he says politely.

“Okay,” Forrest says with a smile and a wink.  He’s in a t-shirt and boxers, barefoot, as he brings the two steaming mugs over to the couch where Alex is sitting. Places Alex’s on the coffee table and sits down next to Alex.  Close enough to touch.  

“So what did Duo do to piss you off?” he asks, smirking.

Alex laughs a little, rolls his eyes.

“Come on, that’s not the face of a man who’s happy with an owl.”

Alex grabs for his mug, takes a sip.  It’s good.  They’re good, right? Like, Forrest is nice.  And trying. “It’s just, I’m learning tenses now. And I can’t figure out why in the world they choose the verbs they do.  Like at a beginning level, you know?”

Forrest is looking amused.  “Can you give an example?”

Alex sighs.  “Like… love. I swear I have had about five questions all in a row about love.  Amor. Did… did you love me? Me amaste?  Then, Sí, te amé. Um, mucho.” Alex swallows, suddenly a little uncomfortable.  “Like, it’s just, just kind of bullshitty, you know? Like, who needs to say that right away, in Spanish?” He glances around him, holds up his mug.  “Like, be useful!  Teach me how to say ‘I finished my coffee,’ you know?”

Forrest is looking at him a little oddly, then looks away.  Blows on his coffee to cool it.  “I have to imagine that a decent percentage of people use an app like that to… I dunno, impress someone? Someone they like?”

Alex looks at him quizzically.  “You think?” He shakes his head.  “I dunno, I would think it would be more for work.  Travel. Even just, like, keeping your brain sharp, you know?”

Forrest eyes him.  “I learned German for a guy.”

Alex scoffs.  “Of course you did.”

“I mean, it was for a guy and my research,” Forrest says playfully, nudging at Alex with his shoulder.

“Multitasking,” Alex says wryly.

“You know it,” Forrest says with a small smile, which disappears quickly. “You… you ever actually said it to someone?”

Alex looks at him, confused.

“In, in English, I mean,” Forrest clarifies, but Alex is still looking at him blankly.  “Ever said I love you?” Forrest swallows, a little nervous.  “I mean, this is not a pressure thing – these are early days, I know that.  But… but I know you were pretty closed off, when we met. Just made me wonder if you ever had something serious? With someone?”

Alex’s jaw is tight as he responds.  “I’ve never said I love you.”

***

“Oh, fuck you, Duo,” Alex mutters, clicking off the phone and putting it face down on the table.

“Who’s Duo?” Rosa asks, suddenly right in front of Alex’s booth.  “And what did he do to you?”

Alex laughs at that.  “It’s an app. Teaches you different languages. Makes it like a little game.”

Rosa quirks an eyebrow.  “And what language are you learning, Alejandro?”

Alex chuckles.  “Spanish.”

“Ahhh,” Rosa says, sliding next to him in the booth.  “Por qué? Un hombre?” she asks suggestively.

“No!” Alex exclaims.  “Why does everyone think that? No, I just wanted to try to get back some of the Spanish I lost over the years.  I mean, I’m living in New Mexico now, and I’m embarrassed by how much I’ve forgotten.” Rosa’s just looking at him, eating one of his French fries.  “Seriously, why does everyone think I’m doing this for a guy?”

“Um, because you and Forrest broke up, and now you’re back on the market?”

Alex’s mouth drops open.  “How did you know that?”

“Small town,” Rosa says, popping another fry in her mouth.  “I hear things.”

Alex shakes his head a little.  “Well,” he says, eager to change the topic. “I think even Duo thinks I’m doing this for… certain reasons.”

Rosa’s face twists a little.  “Okay, who the hell is Duo?”

Alex picks up the phone, unlocks it.  Frowns as he looks at the screen.

“’The man has curly hair,’” Rosa reads, grabbing the phone from Alex. “Okay…” she says, giving Alex a sidelong glance.

Alex snatches the phone back from her.  “Here,” he says shortly.  “You just need to do a few, get them right, then…” He quickly presses some buttons, holds up the phone.  “Here. This is Duo.  He’s this little green owl, and he’s supposed to, like, encourage you, but sometimes if you go a few days without practicing he just ends up, like, harassing you.”

“Great work!  Let’s make this a bit harder!’” Rosa reads with fake enthusiasm as she looks at the screen.  “Harder, eh? That how you like it, Alejandro?”

“Rosa,” Alex warns, half-heartedly.

She grabs the phone again.  “I wanna do one.”

“You speak Spanish already.”

“Oooh, matching!” she exclaims.  “Montar… well that’s easy. To ride.” She sets the phone to the side, fixes Alex with a suggestive look.  “Alejandro, seriously, what have you told Duo here?”

“Shut up.”

***

“What the hell?” Alex mutters, rereading the sentence. The screen is a little hard to see in the bright sun.

“Something wrong?” Michael asks, closer than Alex realized.  “Besides your brake pads, that is.”

Alex sighs, pockets the phone.  “Yeah, about those.”

“It’ll be about an hour still.  Want to wait for it?”

Alex glances around the junkyard.  No one’s here, the weather’s pleasant.  “I’ll wait.”

“Okay,” Michael says, turning and making his way toward Alex’s car. A part of Alex hopes he’ll turn back around and… what?  Visit?  Shoot the shit? With a sigh, Alex takes the phone out again.  “I’ve never had a cat that speaks,” he mutters.  “Yo… nunca…he… tenido…”

“You should’ve brought this in earlier.”

Alex clicks off the phone again, rolls his eyes a bit. “Yes. Thank you, Michael.”

Michael raises his hands in faux surrender.  “Hey, I’m just saying.” He sighs a little.  “Glad you brought it in.” He looks like he’s about to turn around again, but instead he squints at Alex.  At the phone.  “Who you texting?”

Alex narrows his eyes, looks at Michael.  Michael, who seems awkward, suddenly.  Alex watches as he runs his hand through his curls, shrugs a little. “Nevermind, none of my – “

“It’s Duolingo,” Alex says.

Michael sticks out his lip a little, and Alex has to look away quickly. “That the app that teaches you different languages?”

“Yeah,” Alex says. “I’ve been trying to improve my Spanish.”

“Ahh,” Michael says, like he knows something Alex doesn’t.  “Certainly can’t hurt. ‘Round these parts.”

“What?”

Michael shrugs. “You know.  Lots of people here speak it.  And you’re here for a while, right?  Till you get out?” he says, slight edge of bitterness to his voice, the way there always is whenever Alex’s military service gets mentioned.

“This whole thing just started out of embarrassment, actually,” Alex says, and Michael looks at him, confused. “I knew way more Spanish back in school than I know now. Like, I remember the good stuff – curse words, things like that,” he says with a smile.  “But it’s like my brain completely blocked out all the grammar rules.” He shrugs. “But sometimes they put together the most bizarre questions.  Like this one,” he says, clicking on the phone and bringing up the half-finished item. “I’ve never had a cat that speaks.”

Michael barks out a laugh.  “Who the fuck has?” he asks. Then grins.  “Yo nunca he tenido un gato que habla.”

“What?” Alex laughs.  “I didn’t know you knew Spanish!”

Michael shrugs.  “I’m not, like, fluent, in it.”

“You were able to just translate some nonsense sentence off the top of your head,” Alex says skeptically.

“Okay,” Michael says.  “I have a good memory, you know that.  Picked up a lot when I was working at Foster Ranch, right out of high school.  I definitely know how to tell you to fix a fence, ride a horse, that kind of thing.”

“Montar,” Alex murmurs, remembering his chat with Rosa.

Michael looks at him a little strangely. “Yeah.” He looks for a moment like he might say more, but doesn’t.  Exhales loudly and gestures to the car. “Well, I better get back to it,” he says.

“Yeah, of course, don’t want to delay you or anything.”

“Yeah,” Michael says.  Grins. “Just give a shout if you get stumped.”

***

(One month later. The Wild Pony.)

“Dúo surfea muy bien.”

“Duo surfs very well,” Michael translates.  “Because of fucking course he does.”

“You seriously know a lot of Spanish.  You’re not even looking at the screen.” Alex hits continue.  Freezes. “I’ll just do this one,” he says hastily, pushing buttons.

“Too tough?”

Alex looks at the screen.  Te quiero. “Yeah,” he says with a thin smile. “Too tough.”

***

(Two months later. Crashdown.)

“Podemos usar Internet en cualquier lugar.”

Michael’s eyes narrow.  “We can use the Internet anywhere,” he translates.  “Easy.  Hit me again.”

“Okay,” Alex says, bringing up the next screen and reading the Spanish quickly. “Siempre te he amado.”

He looks at Michael questioningly… Michael, who looks stricken.

“Michael?” Alex asks, frowning.

Michael chuckles a little.  “Um, I‘ve always loved you.  That’s what it says, siempre te he amado.”

Alex looks down at the little word options at the bottom of the screen. Fuck.  That’s definitely the answer, but he doesn’t punch it in.  Not yet.  Keeps looking at Michael.  They… they’ve been dancing around each other, around this, for months.  Years, really, if he’s being honest.

“Siempre te he amado,” he repeats quietly. Swallows.  “It’s the truth,” he says finally.

“Es la verdad,” Michael mumbles, still looking away.  “Next?”

Alex puts the phone down. “No, Michael.  No.  I mean… I mean, yes, I guess it is la verdad, like that’s the Spanish for it, but… but I was trying to, to say…”

Michael has gone very still now, is just looking at Alex.  “What, Alex?” he breathes.  “What were you trying to say?”

“I’ve always loved you, Michael.  That… that’s the truth.”

“You, you being serious right now, Alex?”

Alex nods his head quickly. “Yes, Michael.  This isn’t… isn’t Duolingo Spanish, right now. This is me.  And you. God,” he says, feeling the flush creep across his face. “We have enough trouble just being straight with each other in English.”

A slow grin starts spreading across Michael’s face. “If you really think about it, we’ve never been straight with each other.”

And Alex can’t help his own smile, either.  “Definitely not.”

“Not at all,” Michael says, sobering a bit.  

“We’ve worked so hard,” Alex says softly.  “At, at building something between us.  Something new.  Like, a real friendship.”

“That’s what you said you wanted,” Michael says, a little edge to his voice.

“That and more, Michael,” Alex says.  “I want more.  If, if you do, too.”

“I do,” Michael says, biting his lip. He looks down at their shared booth, looks back up. “I’ve always loved you, too, Alex.  Still do.”

The phone emits a little ding, and Alex looks down.

It’s Duo. Waving.

“Perfect timing,” Michael says wryly. “What does that little fucker want?”

“Wants to tell us ‘Great work!’,” Alex reads. “’Let’s make this a bit harder!’” He laughs a little, at that, looks at Michael, and shrugs. “Ready if you are?” he says, a question in his voice.

Michael smiles at him, big and genuine. “Well if Duo says so, let’s give it a go.”

[thedarcydichotomy]

“There was a gross misunderstanding when I said “I got this”, just so you’re aware.”

@the-amazing-hawkguy continued from [here]

"yeah umm, I'm more interested in why you thought I could help?"

Clint maybe smarter than he let on, but he wasn't at the level of Darcy 'Taser Queen McSuper Brain' Lewis. He scratches his fingers through messy blonde hair and tries his best not to look overwhelmed.

"I'm not the science guy. I'm the shoots pointy sticks and make sarcastic comments guy. I fail to see how either of those are going to be useful here.'

"unless.."

"..you lured me here to be a human guinea pig. In which case I'm maybe like 80% cool with it"

“Ok, for one, I’m so offended at how you don’t think sarcastic comments are always...ok, not so much useful as they are essential. But you’re partially right cause I do totally have that part covered,” Darcy said, hands on hips as she blew out a breath (though it was damn close to being a raspberry).

“And I don’t even wanna touch your percentage of ok to being a human guinea pig, Barton. Although I’m not promising I won’t take advantage of it sometime, but probably only when it involves a kitchen... Probably.”

She flashed him a bright smile and a wink.

“Actually, the problem is that,” she said, stabbing a finger towards the roof of Tony’s workshop. “I told Tony I could handle putting his shiny doohickey away, cept, y’know, accidents or whatever, and I was maybe tossing it around and tossed a little hard and, well...” She waved a hand at the patch of ceiling over head, where there was a small but distinct hole. “Now it’s stuck somewhere up there. Help me? Preferably before Tony finds out.”

[raisingsupergirl]

My Supernatural Courage, pt. 1

*Author’s Note: Since writing this, I’ve had a thought, and I’m mulling it over. It might change my stance on things. It might not. Regardless, proceed, dear reader, to better understand where I’m coming from and where I may end up.*

I've been nervous a lot lately. I think everyone has. Not scared. Just nervous—uncertain. I've been nervous about the corona virus. I've been nervous about maintaining my hours at work. I've been nervous because I overcommit. I've been nervous because this past weekend I had to give a speech in front of my freemason brothers and had to play music in front of my church family. And, most of all, I've been nervous about the widespread civil unrest. But the weird thing is, even though national tensions seem to be on the rise, I'm finally starting to achieve some inner peace. Not because I've reached some sort of new normal or because I've given up in some way, but because my frayed nerves weren't actually about the civil unrest at all. They were about my own inner battle. And it took a bunch of local hillbillies to finally set my mind at ease.

If you've followed with me for long, you know that I stay pretty busy. A few weeks ago, I posted about how I didn't have time to truly commit to the conversation regarding ALM vs BLM. The week after that, I posted about not being ready to die because I still have "stuff to do." Well, even though I knew this past week would be crazy busy, I had one request for Father's Day weekend—I wanted to do nothing. And nothing is what I did. My family spent Saturday at the waterpark, nothing but fun and sun. And then we went out to my mom's for dinner on Sunday. That's it. No blogging. No editing. No mowing the grass. Nothin'. And it was amazing, not just because I needed a breath, but because I needed a moment to think. Creatives know that it's essential to recharge every so often. And after I took Father's Day weekend off, I had newfound clarity on, well, a lot of things.

Like I said, the following week came with its own stresses. Not only did I have a ton of editing to do along with practicing songs for the upcoming weekend's church worship team, but that Thursday night, I was to be installed as my masonic lodge's master for the upcoming year. It's been five years in the making—five years of growth, learning, mistakes, and patience. I've learned so much about what it means to be a man in that time. The core masonic principles are brotherly love, relief, and truth, and it's principle duties are to be, "diligent, prudent, temperate, and discreet." And as I said in my speech last Thursday night, masonry is a confirmation of the men we've always been and a reminder of the men we want to be. It doesn't forge us, but it does sharpen us. And as I dwelt on those principles the week leading up to our officer installation, an inner peace settled over me. But, unfortunately, as I said before, it took a bit of a slap in the face by a really ugly counter protest in a nearby town to get me there.

Growing up and living in central Missouri, you'd think I would be used to racism. And I guess I am, but only in the, "Oh, look, a black guy. How about that?" sort of way, which I guess isn't really racism, but I'm also not surprised when I see someone raise an eyebrow at an interracial couple (I also won't deny that I've heard plenty of racist jokes in my day, but I'm not going to get into the nuances of political correctness, Mel Brooks, and South Park). Again, I've always seen it as lack of exposure more than actual racism, and while I've known there were hardcore racists living amongst us, I guess it's just been an out of sight, out of mind kind of thing. But those blinders were ripped off this last week.

There was a BLM rally in a town about thirty minutes from my house. And, as you'd expect, there were plenty of people who showed up with "White Lives Matter" and "Blue Lives Matter" posters. Which is fine. As I said last week, we live in a free country, and our diverse viewpoints make up the spirit of this huge country. But this rally was pretty awful. First, there were local storeowners standing on their roofs with rifles, looking down on the protestors. I guess I get it. Protect your house, and all that. But, geez, was it really necessary to have your weapons shouldered and at the ready. And, obviously, that increased tensions, leading the BLM and ALM folks to move from "peaceful" to a little more verbally aggressive. And that, unfortunately, led a few of the more, ehem, outspoken anti-protestors to (and I almost hesitate to say it) act like monkeys and pantomime lynchings.

I've seen the pictures. I've heard the reports. The BLM protestors weren't innocent. They threw out racial slurs and accusations. But they didn't resort the that level of debased scum. And I don’t use that phrase lightly. Thinking about it makes me want to spit. Or punch someone. It's no different than making sexual jokes to someone who was molested as a child.

It's easy to write that horrible display off as a small, idiotic percentage of the community. It's easy to sigh and move on, remembering that most people aren't that way. But… some people are! They exist in my community! And those people infect the rest of us. The more they talk, the more they normalize actual (even if it's subtle) racism. Thankfully, their public actions have called them out. They've done much more harm to their cause than good. And that event was at catalyst for me. Well, that and one other.

This next turning point was a small one. It was a simple comment by a black lady. She responded to an "ALM" Facebook post. It was simple and humble. "Everyone already knows that all lives matter but everyone don't agree that black lives matter and if it is never said then we will never matter. So because I say black lives matter it's because I wanna be just as important as you would be to the world…"

Yes, I already knew this obvious truth. Yes, I'd heard it a hundred times. But the way she said it, the fact that it came from her, and the timing of it in my life just made things click. BLM isn't just a social movement with an agenda (which I tend to tie together with human imperfection, various other motives, and some of the rioting). It’s a statement. And it's a simple statement, at that. It doesn't have to be political or loaded. "Black lives matter," I said with a smile and a nod as I waited for her to cross the street. Just imagining that scenario makes me happy. Is it wrong to open a door for a woman, wave a tattooed biker on in front of us at a stoplight, or pay for the meal of someone richer or poorer than us? No. Such acts don't relinquish any of our own self-worth or threaten our futures. They're simple, humane kindnesses that make the world a better place. They're acknowledgements that we are a diverse world, and it's neat to remind specific peoples that they are important, not just to us, but to the Most Holy Lord God.

Oops. I'm sure I lost some of you just now. And that's okay, but stick with me. I'm a Christian, through and through. Christ is a part of my everyday life, and one thing that I've reminded myself of for a long time is that every person I meet is a unique child of God. Jesus told the parable of the Good Samaritan, and Freemasonry reminds us by proclaiming, "Every human being has a claim on your kind offices. Do good unto all." And even though it took me a while to get here, I've found peace in those sentiments. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. And I'm not afraid in the slightest about the future.

When I hear about rioters pushing down statues, I'm reminded of Jesus overturning the moneychangers' tables in the temples. There are plenty of excuses to maintain the status quo, but none of them are really good ones. What are you afraid of? Losing our history? Really? I can still find MySpace comments I made fifteen years ago, and my mom still has pictures of me naked in the bathtub. We're not talking about destroying someone's personal property or threatening their lives (or livelihood). We're talking about a symbolic act of desperation. Was it smart? Or right? Or productive? Who knows, but it's nothing to freak out about!

White people, what are you afraid of? Seriously. Are you afraid that black people will enslave you? Are you afraid of economic collapse? Are your guns going to be taken from you? Your jobs? Your freedom of speech? I mean, c'mon. Even if all of those things did happen (which they won't), who cares!? … Okay, wait. I get it. Slaves care. I'm sure it sucks. But you know how black slaves survived in early American history? They relied on God! Remember the Jews? Christianity was literally born out of a nation of slaves! Oppression is woven into the story of humanity, start to finish. We're a broken world. It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven. The first shall become last, and the last shall become first. Are any of these ringing a bell?

Okay, sorry. I got a little worked up there. But I can't help it. Everyone is so afraid of losing stuff, and nobody is taking five seconds to ask why. Why, truly, are you alive? What are you trying to do? Okay, yes, I get the compulsion to protect your family and future generations. It's biological (which doesn't make it any less important). It's engrained within our race's perpetuation. But we are one race, and I’m sorry, but your family isn't the pinnacle of genetic, moral, and intellectual perfection for the human race. Your kid may have won the spelling bee, but he's not going to cure cancer.

So, ease up a little bit. Let the rest of the world have a little space. Do I agree with everything the BLM movement has been associated with? Of course not. And I never will, because there are a lot of people who hitch themselves to bandwagons, regardless of their own, personal motives. If rioters make the USA into Mad Max, well, then you'll finally be able to tell your wife, "I told you so" about all of the guns and ammo you've been buying over the years. If one truly evil civil rights activist rises up and turns us into a nation of white slaves, well, I guess we'll just have to focus in a little more on being kind to our neighbor, looking to the afterlife, and trusting in God to reward us for obeying his commandments. But more than likely, all of the extremists on both sides will be cut off from the herd, and the rest of us will (eventually) live in a slightly different-looking America than what it has been for the past couple centuries. That's the funny thing about time—the present eventually becomes history. We don't continue to live in it, and we don't forget it. We accept it, learn from it, and move on. Simple enough.

In the end, it's your choice. I've probably offended just about everyone with this post (but as usual, I did it in a super nice way, so good luck calling me out, jerk). But this has been my journey to peace with the situation. My family will live on. My nation will live on. Maybe we'll be blessed with earthly comfort, or maybe we'll be sharpened by trials and tribulations. But eternity waits for me, and while I still walk this earth, I'll have no problem praising and building up specific people and specific groups. Why? Because differences are what make people awesome, and I'm not afraid to remind them of it.

[a-romanian-gender]

okay so basically, I identify as a cis girl, but I don't actually know whether I'm trans or not. I keep finding myself wanting to constantly be other people (which always happen to be guys), for example : I wish i was the guy in front of me, or I wonder what life as that other guy will be like. not because I want to see what their lives are like, just because I want to be a guy. I'm not even sure what names I want to go by. I think it might just be dissociation or something of the sort so (1/2)

if I end up getting diagnosed with cisgender disease I really won't be surprised. I'm not sure if I have dysphoria or not. I keep finding myself wanting to change my genitals but I'm fine with my upstairs if it makes sense? I don't know. my brain also keeps telling me I'm not manly enough constantly. I don't have a preferred name or pronouns but I keep forgetting my current name and pronouns lol. These feelings come and go, because one day I'll want to be the girliest girl and then the (2/?)

one day I'll find myself wanting to be the girliest girl and then the next I'll want to be a guy and idk why that happens. I understand you probably didn't expect me to dump all this on you so don't feel forced to respond. thanks for giving me the opportunity to talk about this with someone who knows more abt it than I do 👍 (3/3)

---------------

Gender is more complex than we like to think. Before I say anything else, I wanna say that some trans people aren't (that) dysphoric and in my opinion I don't think you need dysphoria to be trans, but rather some degree of gender euphoria. From what you said, I think you can honestly be nonbinary. Here are some genders I think that fit your description:

Nonbinary: a person who is outside the gender binary (male and female). It can be an umbrella term but also a stand alone identity. People who are nonbinary can be aligned with a binary gender or unaligned

Genderfluid: a person whose gender changes every day. The common kind of genderfluid person is fluctuating between male and female, but a genderfluid person can fluctuate between other genders as well, even more than two genders

Demiboy: a person who partially identifies as a boy and the other part can be any other gender. An example of a demiboy person could say that they identify 75% as a man/boy and 25% as a woman/girl, but these percentages can change and the gender they identify as in the small percentage can be any other than girl/woman

Solarian: a person who is nonbinary and male aligned. These gender is part of the galactian system. There are some differences between demiboy and solarian, mostly when it comes how people feel comfortable identifying as

GNC/gender nonconforming trans man: a person who identifies as a binary man but dresses not traditionally manly/a binary trans man who is more feminine in style. Not a nonbinary gender but I think it also fits

These are some of the identities that I thought they would work for you, but there are many other genders out there. I advise you experiment with your gender for a bit and try different labels and pronouns and names and see what sticks to you and get as informed as possible. I hope this helps!!

[snkpolls]

SnK S3E08 Poll Results (Manga Reader Version)

The poll closed with 368 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!

Please note that this is the results of the manga reader poll. Anime only watchers are suggested not to read if you do not wish to be spoiled about certain events! Anime only viewers, click here to view your poll results!

RATE THE EPISODE 352 Responses

84% of total respondents gave the episode a 4 or 5 star rating. The episode this week was overall considered very enjoyable!

kinda average,some cuts didnt make sense,lets see if the next one is good.

This episode was so great, I really enjoyed it! But there are still things that are bothering me.

This episode was fricking amazing.

All in all, one of the best episodes in the season for me, hands down.

I really enjoyed it. Looking forward to the next ep.

Amazing as always! ❤️

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SCENES WERE YOUR FAVORITES? 356 Responses

Eren making his move in order to protect his friends was the overall favorite scene of the episode. Closely behind is Squad Levi showing up to save Eren and Historia. Despite some upset about the change, the scene where Levi tells Historia she has to become the queen ranked third.

The hardest question for me to answer was what my most favourite scene was because frankly speaking, none of the “big” and “impressive” scenes made an impact on me. I just rewatched S2 and was blown away by how the last few episodes especially were so well done. I wish this season makes me feel the same way later on.

Historias Speech before Levi squad gets there had so much feels

WHICH CHARACTER INTERACTION WAS YOUR FAVORITE? 354 Responses

There were lots of good character interactions this week. Most shippers seemed quite happy with theirs. The most loved moment of the episode, however, was Mikasa joking with Historia that she should punch Levi in the face. Closely behind was Levi lamenting having to tell Eren to make a choice again, and in third was Historia’s speech while saving Eren.

ALL OF THE ABOVE. YOU CANT MAKE ME PICK ONE HOW DARE YOU

They cut it out T.T

Oof, too many can't chose. Historia and Eren, Mikasa saving Historia, Jean and Historia motivating Eren, Levi apologizing to Eren, Sasha and Eren, Eremin hand touch <3, Levi and Erwin, Hange and Historia, Jean and Connie stepping in for Historia.....

Historia refusing the plan to let Eren be eaten by Rod-EREHISU4LYFE

That beautiful "Danchou" made me WEAK.

I like two: Mikasa x Historia and Mikasa telling Historia to punch Levi.

Every Levi & Eren interaction! So many Ereri moments in this episode ~

Kenny

MikaHisu is sailing hard

Levi and Eren interactions were amazing ♥

bjitch you think I'm neutral enough about snk to pick one think again

Character moments and interactions are what truly make this series for me.

I really enjoyed Hange's contribution to the discussion about Eren's and Rod's fates. The music, the flaming titan in the background, Hange pointing at it, and the overall drama of the conversation was on point!

BEST TITAN STEAM WINDBLOWN HAIR: 357 Responses

Levi won this overall, but plenty of voters appreciated that we put Connie in the rankings despite being bald! ;)

ROD REISS’ TITAN IS ALL CGI - HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS? 356 Responses

Nearly half of voters were surprisingly content with the CGI and thought that it added more disgust and hugeness to Rod’s titan. Looks like WIT utilized the CGI well this time around!

Hi WIT what the fuck

I didn't really like the CGI in season 2, but to be honest I expected it for the turkey titan and holy hell does it look big 10/10

I don't mind it too much, but i think traditional animation would be better.

I remember this feeling of absolute horror and disgust when I first saw Rod Reiss' titan back in the manga but the memes over the years made me forget. Wit has very successfully brought those feelings to the fore again, and goddamn I get shudders even now and I've rewatched the episode twice already.

I'm halfway though... A part of me wanna see turkey titan moving. A part of me actually prefer worm titan coz it is more disgusting. Anyways CGI are overdone in this scene. Wonder if the face reveal will be as disgusting as the rest of the body

I was worried about it at first glance as the Colossal Titan in season 2 was too out of place, but it worked and probably helped that Rod’s Titan can’t stand upright.

It’s tacky but I’m here for it

Looks great in some scenes... kinda shitty in others :/

MEEEAAAAAATTTTLLOOOOOAAAFFFF

The cgi is disgusting but I like it like that. It's like your ugly child, you still like it. Plus if it's allows them to reduce the time and the cost of the animation I'm fine with it. I'd rather have an aime with a bit of cgi every year than no anime at all or a season every 4 years.

im scared

Yummy yummy meatloaf.

DO YOU THINK KENNY CARED FOR HIS SQUAD? 357 Responses

Overall, the majority of voters agree that Kenny cared about his squad. Only slightly less than half of those voters believe that he still valued himself more, though.

He was concerned for their safety but was also probably like "do you guys not have any self preservation?

Maybe? I don't know, lol. We didn't see him interact with them much.

Kenny probably cared about them a bit but didn't feel any deep bonds with them.

I think he mostly cared about Traute because she was his second in command, not to mention her nihilistic nature was exciting for him.

Idk

WHOSE PEP TALK TO EREN WAS YOUR FAVORITE? 355 Responses

HIstoria’s words to Eren while he was certain they were all going to die won for the best pep talk. Not far behind was Levi telling Eren to make a choice. Jean’s commentary about Eren never being able to do anything by himself also got a decent amount of votes!

YOUR REACTION TO EREN’S DECISION TO BELIEVE IN HIMSELF? 355 Responses

Overall, voters had a positive reaction to Eren’s decision to believe in himself instead of his friends.

EREN WAS GREAT AND I M SO PROUD.

Attack titan's big dick energy saved them all.

HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT JEAN AND CONNIE’S COMMENTS DEFENDING HISTORIA? 351 Responses

73% of voters were happy to see Jean and Connie sticking up for Historia. 17% weren’t invested, while others think that the scene was shoehorned in and unneeded.

Connie and Jean are definitely best boys (and underrated imo) and I loved that they gave them this filler scene but I feel like it would've made even more sense if they would've animated the wall scene from Chapter 51. Still loved this though. <3

Poor Connie, he didn't know what words to use. I'm glad Jean helped him out :) They're great friends.

I felt like they (WIT) messed up a great scene from the manga and didn't add anything of a value to that scene

It makes a lot of sense that Connie would jump in Historia's defense to prevent her from taking another role given that he was there to witness her shedding one during Utgard. And while Jean's is great, it works better at cementing his tumultous relationship with Levi and how he works as the voice of Springlestein.

While I like the concept of the 104th kids showing their concern for Historia, the dialogue pretty much spelled out Historia's character arc and felt incredibly forced and on the nose

It's a decent part of a scene that shouldn't have been changed.

On the fence because it seemed very filler

Connie and Jean r protecting their wife

WHICH OF LEVI’S DOUBLE ENTENDRES WAS YOUR FAVORITE? 352 Responses

It was a hard choice, but the majority of you appreciated those classic double entendres--with “That’s what I call hardening” taking the lead while 34.9% of you made us feel really attacked.

EREN MENTIONED INVESTIGATING HIS OLD BASEMENT IN SHIGANSHINA - WHERE’S THE KEY? 353 Responses

41% of voters believe that Eren is still in possession of the key but that the detail is simply overlooked Because Anime™. 30% believe the key was stored away for safekeeping due to the potential of Eren getting kidnapped. A small percentage believe that either Levi, Mikasa or Armin had it the whole time. A few of you think Eren is hiding it in less appropriate places and make us very concerned.

Shit. Fuck. I completely forgot about the key...

Erwin has it

I never noticed that even in the manga LMAO

Hell if i know

I didn't even care before this question and I won't start caring now lmao

Plothole

Stolen by Rod when they took his shirt. He just hasn't realized it yet.

this question is going to haunt me for eternity

Eren hid it in his asshole. No one would look there, that smart guy!

He keeps key in his ass

In his ass

up dat booty

HOW’D YOU FEEL ABOUT JEAN CALLING EREN A “TOPLESS WIMP” INSTEAD OF A SHIRTLESS WONDER? 356 Responses

The votes on this question were relatively balanced. Most voters just see it as a translation difference with no other meaning to it, while closely behind are those who preferred “shirtless wonder”. A small amount are looking forward to hearing how Funimation chooses to script this in the dub.

DID YOU MISS LEVI’S SALTY COMMENT - “JUST HOW SHITTY CAN THIS DAY GET”? 357 Responses

The majority of voters agreed that salty Levi would have been nice to keep around. 33% didn’t even realize the quote was missing!

more salty levi is required

HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT THEM ANIMATING THE COLLAPSE OF THE CHAPEL AND THE GROUND? 354 Responses

Nearly 77% of voters were thrilled to see the chapel and ground collapsing. 12% didn’t think it was all that special.

WERE YOU EXCITED TO SEE EREN’S HARDENING POWER ANIMATED? 356 Responses

65% of respondents were happy to see the hardening in action and thought WIT did a great job with it. 14% were happy to see it, but felt a bit underwhelmed. 11% preferred the mystery in the manga.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE SCENE WITH EREN CALLING ROD TITAN A MIDGET AND PUNCHING THE AIR BEING REMOVED? 357 Responses

Nearly half of voters aren’t happy that WIT cut this detail out, because it showed that Eren can’t activate the coordinate as he pleases. 23% are confident that the scene will be moved to on top of the wall in the next episode. 14% didn’t care.

Why didn't they do the scene with Eren yelling at Rod's Titan?

I don't think that comment would've fit the tone of the scene. I'm hoping that it will be made clear that Eren normally can't use the power some other way.

I am so so angry that this scene was cut!! Not only was it HILARIOUS but it was a small moment of reprieve from the heavy atmosphere and I am so bitter about its removal!

I’m guessing they’ll be moving that scene to the top of the wall in the next episode

I’m okay with what WIT did, but it would’ve been nice too to see it animated.

I’m just salty it got removed. I personally thought it was hilarious and added comedic relief. Same goes for hange telling Erwin she’s ok - they really cut that scene down.

I miss that it was removed, but it was a bit comedic and would've added some flak to the scene

Very very disappointed. But not because it erased the hint about how the axe works but because of Levi's reaction! Goddammit wit not again!

I don't remember that one o.o I should re-read the manga I think XD

They'll probably move the scene to the next episode or have an equivalently expository scene later.

WE FINALLY GOT  THE SCENE WHERE LEVI TELLS HISTORIA SHE NEEDS TO BE QUEEN - WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS? 354 Responses

With the top two options being at nearly a tie, 25.1% still believe that the scene should have been included before the kidnapping - brutality included - and 24.9% were just happy to have it although the characterization of Historia and Levi feels changed. 23% agreed that the change was needed as Levi lifting Historia at this point in the story would no longer make any sense. 17% preferred the change and felt it gave Historia more agency over her situation.

Considering this scene took place after the kidnapping it wouldn’t make sense for Levi to get angry and attack her but the scene was pretty underwhelming compared to the manga. Although I’m just glad that this means we still get to see Historia punch Levi (even if he hadn’t really done anything to deserve it in this version).

I feel like Historia accepted her fate as the new queen way too fast.

They should’ve added it before the Levi Vs Kenny fight. It was important to both of their characters and I’m still pissed WIT cut Levi’s speech out.

While it would have been great to see a little more irrational side of Levi, the change fit in very well and helped establish the relationships of Squad Levi

It should have being either included in it original form before the kidnapping or dropped all together including payoff with punching and smiling. Now it makes little sense for Mikasa to suggest something like that or for Historia to feel that way, we also lost asshole Levi moment, which would had add a dimension to his anime version. But oh well.

They should’ve added it before the Levi Vs Kenny fight. It was important to both of their characters and I’m still pissed WIT cut Levi’s speech out.

Meh. Anime wants to have a cake and eat a cake. At least they are hilarious!

Why do you guys want to see a grown man throw around a little girl so much? Gross! Grow up! I couldn't be happier with the way that scene change went! As well as Mikasa's being the one to get Reeves' line about punching Levi - I think it both fits and is unexpectedly cute.

i wish they kept the scene like in the manga because it really builds up anger in historia that she later releases by her big AckerPunchTM

MIKASA TELLS HISTORIA TO PUNCH LEVI INSTEAD OF DIMO REEVES. WAS THIS A GOOD CHANGE? 357 Responses

At a pretty even split, the most votes went toward believing that the scene was okay, but still preferring the manga’s turn of events. 24% believed that the way WIT did it was funnier. 22% feel like Mikasa’s comment is out of the blue. 21% are just happy Mikasa saved Levi’s smile.

The feeling that I got from Mikasa's smile/smirk was that she JOKINGLY suggested that Historia hit Levi, mostly because she's not his biggest fan and she enjoys messing with people (for example, eating the bread in front of Sasha, and the funny expression she elicited from Historia by saying this). Mikasa is going to be surprised (and ofc delighted) when she realizes Historia actually took her literally lmao

Why did Mikasa told Historia to punch Levi? Historia has no reason to punch him since he did nothing to her. It doesn't make any sense for her to hit him just because Mikasa told her to, or at least it has so much less meaning than in the manga…

About the punch, I still prefer the way the event happened in the manga but IM SO FUCKING GLAD THAT NOW WE KNOW WE GONNA SEE THAT BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL SMILE

WHICH SCENE FROM THE PREVIEW ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? 358 Responses

32% of voters are pumped to see Rod’s gruesome titan face looming over the wall. 25% are excited to see Eren punch the brat out of himself, 20% are ready for Smol to chat with Tol an 14% are looking forward to seeing Eren fighting in his titan form again.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?

A lot of people yelling at WIT. Sure, I miss some of the exclusions too but the pacing change was needed and stuff has to be cut. The important bits of the story are still all there. I think they're doing a fantastic job and I'm almost sure Isayama gave his thumbs-up for all the changes.

Thanks wit for giving us so much mikasa this episode. My daughter deserves all that screentime ❤️😍

i get meatloaf titan and eruri. i am a happy boi.

The soundtrack was fuking amazing 😚👌 as always

Since there were no questions about the soundtrack I'll use this place to try to convert everybody to the Sawanism. God the music was a masterpiece!

The CGI worm titan was such an alienating thing to witness that it took away from the horror of the situation. It might have looked really hideous as this creepy-crawly giant thing of a titan, but sadly it just didn't work. On second viewing, it didn't bother me as much as the first time, though, so I guess one can get used to it.

I don't know if any of the music was new or not but wow!!! It made those scenes feel so much more emotional

RIP Traute Caven, our nihilist queen

Levi is a much sweeter version of himself in the anime, I've noticed. In fact nothing is as dark as it was in the manga. But Accordion Titan is way creepier animated so no complaints there.

I'm kinda disappointed that WIT remove some Frieda flashbacks, (last episode with the possessed Frieda scene missing, and here Historia not thinking about her alongside Ymir) it reduces the impact she has on Historia's life/development.

I was watching it in the night, so it gave me some double thrills :D Rod's titan was really creepy and Sawano's music made him to be even more scary. In my opinion the animation was awesome. It looked much better than I expected. The whole extreme moments in the cave was also amazing and I truly liked them.

For once WIT did eremin some justice with their reunion touch (my heart!), every mikahisu moment was perfect (yes, even the one at the end where mikasa tells historia to punch levi) and I ADORED that they gave historia so much agency in her decision to become queen! Honestly if I had to watch Levi rough her up at this point in the series, I probably would've vomited. It would've been incredibly unnecessary (which is likely why isa changed it, don't y'all think?) and this way was SO MUCH BETTER. Plus jean and conny being so concerned for her was THE BEST THING EVER, they're just like "but dad, what about my friend's FEELINGS?" and I LOVED IT. That's snk at its core tbh. Historia definitely deserves it too. And her power walk into the briefing room afterward was everything! In conclusion! Eremin is real! Mikahisu is real! And erurihan is fuckin real! That "danchou" had me FLOORED and we already know how much both erwin and levi love hange so like.. get with the winning team y'all.

Armin described the moment Rod's titan came out from under the chapel as something like "the end of the world". Between the music and his nightmarish CGI look, I was sold on that description. Oh, and since I mentioned music, Sawano's at it again, the absolute madman! Will he ever stop coming up with good tunes? The answer is never.

My ovaries are ready for wet cast in next episode!!

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 337 Responses

Thanks again to everyone who participated! We’ll see you again on Tuesday!

[quirkyquantumqueen]

Some words on my weight loss journey (so far)

I’ve reached a big weight loss goal like 2 weeks ago. I haven’t talked about it much here but since last fall I’ve been on a weight loss journey and I’ve now lost 46 pounds. I thought now would be a good time to make a post about it. I apologize because this is gonna be long but I wanted to talk about it because maybe my experiences will help others.

How did it all begin? Let’s go way way back for a moment. I’ve always been a chubby kid and just don’t have a healthy relationship with food. So I started being really overweight since back in high school. When I was 16 or so, I lost a significant amount of weight by basically barely eating anything at all for a while. So no surprise, I slowly gained the weight back once I started college and especially during a time when I wasn’t in a good place mentally for a while and needed the food for comfort. But I actually learned to really accept my weight in recent years and wasn’t particularly unhappy about it.

So why change something now? Last fall I had a regular check-up and it turned out that my blood pressure was too high and I was put on some light blood pressure medication. However, I wasn’t willing to accept that at the age of 28, I already had to deal with stuff that shouldn’t be a problem until later in life. And so I decided to make some changes. But my focus from the beginning was on getting healthier, not chasing someone else’s definition of beauty and I think that’s what really made the difference here.

What were my first steps? I sat myself down and thought about what some first easy steps that I could change immediately. The first thing was to be more active and so the first simple thing I did was walking home from work instead of taking the bus. Just a small 30 minute walk every day. The second thing I decided was that I would have to stop eating lunch at the canteen. The canteen at our university is actually quite good and offers some healthy options, too. But I just felt like I didn’t have any control if I kept eating there. I made a lot of bowls, tried some new food that I had never prepared before (like different grains and vegetables and stuff).

How did things progress from there? I managed well for a while with just that and some weight started to come off. In the spring I signed up for a weekly fitness course. I also bought some Zumba DVDs and started to do that at home. But even though I increased my physical activity, the weight loss kinda flattened out. I realized I needed a new approach to the way I was eating. So far I had just eaten… less. And I think that actually resulted in me starving myself. So I started tracking my calories (I’m using an app for that). I’ve been sticking to a mild deficit ever since, aiming for a slow weight loss of maybe 1 pound per week (roughly) and I feel quite comfortable with that. A few months ago, I finally felt ready to tackle the sports aspect a bit more and got a gym membership. That was something I was so scared about. But it turns out it wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought. I’ve been quite disciplined with it and now I’m actually there probably 6 days a week. I’m doing Zumba courses on 3 days – which is a lot of fun! And on the other 3 days, I’m doing some weights training.

Where am I now and where do I go from here? A month ago, I stopped my blood pressure medication. I’ve been keeping close track of my blood pressure since then and it looks really good. I’ll have to check back with my doctor soon but it looks like my blood pressure is now in a healthy range without the medication. With that I’ve already reached my most important health goal. I have about 9 pounds to go until I reach my initial weight goal of 75kg (165 pounds). I might wanna bring my weight down to 70kg – that would bring me into the healthy BMI range. But we’ll see. I’m also looking at the body fat percentage as an indicator. I have regular checkups at the gym to see my progress on that. I’m now at 37% body fat, so bringing that down a bit more would be great. I’ve gained around 7 pounds of muscle since I’ve joined the gym. Trying to increase that as well. I also maybe wanna drop one more clothing size so that I can basically buy clothes wherever I want. As you can see, I’m trying to set myself different goals so as to spread out the possibilities for success.

What have I learned and what advice can I give? To be honest, in the end getting here hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be. But for me personally, making decisions is always the hardest part, following through on things comes easier to me. When it comes to dieting, there is no magic trick you need to know. It’s just a simple energy balance. And that’s the way I approach my food. I don’t ban any food, I basically allow myself whatever I want – as long as I can fit it into my daily calorie budget. And I think what really made the difference is that I started this with a good mindset, always going at it from a health perspective.  I wasn’t trying to punish myself because I resented my body. I was allowing myself to take care of myself and treat my body with respect. That’s also how I still motivate myself for the gym, for example. By not viewing it as a tedious obligation but instead as some time that I actively set aside to take care of myself. I’m very much aware that my work isn’t done yet. Maintenance is gonna be a whole new challenge. But I’m positive I’ll be able to do it. I highly recommend the Half Size Me podcast for lots of useful tips and information and especially for keeping you in the right mindset. Most importantly, I feel really really good right now. I feel healthier and fitter than I ever have and that gives me so much confidence and joy. I’m gonna climb that mountain if I feel like it, I’m gonna go on that camel ride when I’m in Morocco this November because my body is finally not holding me back anymore.

Thanks for listening to my TED talk. No but seriously, if you are reading this and wanna chat about this topic or have any questions - don’t hesitate to message me anytime!

[balladserial]

Episode 1: Part 2

Chaos ensues almost immediately. I think I see Mikael hopping on Clairvoyance’s back piggy-back style out of the corner of my eye, but it’s hard to keep track of them for longwith people rushing this way and that. Between everyone scattering and the shouting of the Guard over the bar noise, it’s difficult for anyone to keep track of their surroundings.

That’s good for me.

I sprint across the room like a bat out of hell, ducking briefly under the arm of one of the Guards. My legs sweep glasses to the floor with a clamor of sound as I vault over the bar, but I hardly have time to stop and apologize. I can smell ozone in the room behind me, and that smell never precedes anything good.

Hellfire in a bar full of alcohol? What the fuck are they thinking?

I don’t intend to stick around and find out.

A cluster of fearfully huddling serving staff blocks the way to the kitchen, and I don’t have time to ask them to move. I barrel right through, knocking two of the more lightweight of them to the floor.

“Sorry!” I yell over my shoulder, already halfway through the kitchen.

Elbowing the last of the kitchen staff out of the way, I emerge through the kitchen door into the golden light of the fading sunshine.

I hear shouting and heavy footfalls behind me. Shit. I still have a tail, although I don’t dare look over my shoulder to see who’s pursuing me. Instead, I pick up the pace, my worn shoes skidding over the rough cobblestone street as I turn a sharp corner.

All this running is not doing wonders for my lungs. My chest contracts in sharp pain. It feels like a weight is pressing down on my lungs, squeezing out the oxygen like so much toothpaste. It’s not a comfortable feeling. My breaths come shallow and half-filled.

The pedestrian path ahead rounds the top of a hill, and the city of Greater Mercy lays itself out before me. It’s an enviable city, all golden minarets and silver spires. Vertically built, with walkways between the buildings at even the highest levels, the city feels more like a spider’s web than something man made. I swing myself onto a pedestrian ladder at full force and climb like my life depends on it, in the vain hope that maybe all that armor will weigh the Guard down some.

I should be so lucky.

The path at the top of the ladder hits a crossroads, intersected by a magnetic levitation track. I strain to sprint past the crossing in time,, but I feel a deep panic well up in my throat as the pedestrian gate falls closed, signaling that a train is coming. I can’t breathe at all now, and I can feel heat rising to my face as I skid to a sudden stop.

A quick glance behind me shows the Guard is mere moments away. It seems I only have two of them on my tail: a short Guard whose silver armor is still shiny and unscratched, struggling to keep up the pace, and the gold-plated Order member from before. Her hair is long, brown and plaited neatly to the back of her head. She has severe features, and I sincerely doubt she’ll be in the mood to let me bluff my way out of this. Which leaves me with one move left.

The supply train glides towards us silently, with the kind of stealth I’d expect out of a train that literally does not touch its tracks. I have only a split second to judge its speed, and I take the risk. Unfurl the rope on my belt, throw the hook at the end, and hold tight.

Real tight.

The force of the car passing nearly pulls my arms out of my sockets, but I maintain my grip. The momentum swings me upward, and my hands scream in protest, but find purchase on a ridge in the metal. And just like that, I’m riding the train. I’m RIDING the SUPPLY TRAIN.

The wind rips a whoop of joy from my lungs, adrenaline triggering waves of giddy laughter.

I exhale. Speaking of my lungs. I furiously untuck my shirt and reach underneath, carefully undoing the hook-and-eye clasps under my right arm until the tight fabric of my binder falls away and releases the pain in my chest. I cough loudly, willing air into my lungs until they fill up once again.

I’m just beginning to get comfortable, perched atop the speeding train, when a deafening noise erupts from behind me. I hit the deck before my brain has even processed the sound, reflex taking over my body and slamming it to the cart’s roof. My already sore chest smarts with blinding pain, my ribs smacking at full force into the harsh metal.

The front of the car in front of me erupts into blue flame, the smell of smoke and ozone acrid and unfamiliar against my nostrils. The Hellfire is a good ten feet from me, but I can still feel the heat on my skin as if I had been standing a foot from a heater. It burns through the solid steel the way I’m told ordinary fire might burn paper. Its uneven, flickering light casts everything around it, including my own face, in a cold, eerie sheen. My heart pounds in my gut.

That could have been me.

“Tal Nika Joane!” calls a booming voice from the direction of the caboose. It’s to the Guard’s credit that I can hear her at all over the rushing wind. “By order of Her Highness, Princess Arrellia Valonde, you are under arrest for crimes against the Principality!��

“I’m sure I am!” I shout back, clinging to the car for dear life.

“Come back with your hands above your head and you will be taken in peacefully! Continue to resist, and we will continue to shoot!” bellows the voice, not sounding particularly amused with my very funny quip.

“Serious question?” I yell back, still straining to make my voice heard over the wind. “How many people in high speed train chases actually go for that? I gotta know what percentage of the Principality are actually credulous schmucks-”

Another burst of Hellfire erupts about three feet to my left. This time the heat is close enough to irritate my skin, like a bad sunburn.

I have to get out of here, but I’m essentially trapped between two walls of cobalt flame. Both of which are slowly creeping in on my position. The only direction I can run is toward the Guard.

I glance over my shoulder toward the front of the train. It’s about to round a bend, then the track dips and heads through a small, curated forest-like area to a tunnel with about two feet of clearance from the top of the train. I’m on a time limit, and I need to make a decision fast.

My jaw clenches vise-tight, but I put my hands on my head and walk, slowly, towards the caboose. My heart thrums at hummingbird speed inside my ribs, but I will my outsides to stay calm. A deep breath: in for five seconds, hold for five, out for eight.

The Guard meets me halfway, climbing onto the roof of the train just in time to grab both my hands. She wrenches them roughly behinds my back and begins to fasten them with a pair of iron cuffs.

“Tal Nika Joane,” she booms, practically yelling in my ear. “you are under arrest for multiple counts of underage drinking, truancy, petty theft, vandalism, aiding and abetting a known fugitive, and piracy.”

She pauses to breathe. I don’t blame her, my rap sheet is pretty impressive.

“You retain your right to silence until an advocate can be acquired. If you cannot acquire an advocate, you are entitled to self-representation.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I reply, wriggling my hand a little as she struggles with the cuffs. I can almost feel something inside her bag, I just need to distract her long enough to reach it. “Listen, you couldn’t have done this like a year earlier when I was still a minor? I’m too young and pretty to spend my life in jail, yknow? Look at me, I wouldn’t make it two weeks.”

The Guard rolls her eyes and yanks my arm a little too hard in the wrong direction. I manage to bite down on the pain, but only just.

“You should have thought about that before you became a pirate,” the Guard says smugly. “But don’t worry, kiddo. With the crew you run with? I doubt jail is what the Princess has in mind for you.”

The train veers to the right, and I swallow. I’m not entirely sure what she’s implying, but I can make a rough guess, and I’m not a fan.

“Cool,” I say out loud, clenching both fists. “Well, as fun as that sounds, word of advice?”

“Huh?”

“Duck.”

I pivot on one foot and swing the steel cuffs at full speed into the side of her face. There’s a satisfying crack as her nose breaks under the force and blood begins to flow freely down her face. I desperately wish I had time to savor the hit, but time waits for no man. The train is swiftly approaching the tunnel and there’s only one way off this thing.

I pitch my body sideways, and briefly, I am weightless. The feeling doesn’t last long. I feel the familiar pull at my guts as gravity grabs me back and I fall, crashing my way through tree branches and brush until I finally roll to a stop on the leaf-covered ground.

Everything hurts.

I can feel the beginnings of some nasty bruises all over my body, and a dull throbbing pain in my shoulder tells me the bone is probably dislocated. I’m not sure what else is broken, but the continuing pounding in my chest tells me that I’m not dead, and that’s the most important part.

“You good, Tal?” calls a familiar tinny voice from just above me.

I struggle to my feet. It’s not an easy task, what with the pounding in my head, the world swimming around me, and my arm threatening to detach itself from my torso entirely.

“Clair?” I ask aloud. “Where are you?”

“Behind you, doofus.”

I turn. Indeed, hovering in the air behind me is a fist-sized orb made from intricately constructed bronze. It’s held aloft by a single spinning propellor, buzzing around me like a really weird, oversized bee. On the side of the orb facing me is a single blue eye.

“So are you dead now?” says Clairvoyance, hovering by my clearly injured arm smugly. “Because if you’re dead I get your stuff, that’s the arrangement.”

“I never agreed to that,” I grumble, massaging my limp arm. “And I’m not dead. Where are the others?”

“Back on the ship,” he replies. “It’s docked a few blocks west of here. Wanna head out, or would you rather go back and hang for your crimes against humanity?”

“Get fucked,” I groan, pushing past him in the direction of the slowly fading sunset. He chuckles behind me and speeds to catch up.

“Glad you’re not dead,” he says. After a brief pause, I grin.

“Course you are.”

--

The last rays from the setting sun slink down over the horizon by the time I reach the jutting rock where the good ship Vega Vespa has laid anchor. I’m immediately conscious of how much of a mess I am. My binder is still unfastened beneath my shirt, my hair disheveled (more so than usual) and the knees of my trousers are torn through. The one shackle that Guard managed to fasten still dangles from my injured arm, making me wince in pain every time I move.

Still, the landing point is nice. I can feel the thrumming of the enormous propellers keeping the city afloat beneath my feet, and beyond the sharp drop where the ship is docked, I see a sea of clouds and sky cloaking the distant treetops of Arcadia V’s surface. The ship itself looms far over us. An enormous metal contraption, held aloft by an enormous balloon filled with hydrogen, powered by massive solar sails that billow in the brisk, cliffside wind.

A figure on the deck grabs a loose rope and swings to solid land, bypassing the gangplank entirely. Captain Warring lands with the same grace as usual, although the flyaways in her hair and the sheen of sweat on her face give away a level of stress I haven’t seen on her in a while. I can imagine why; the Vega Vespa isn’t a small ship. There has to be a limit to how long she can leave it docked here.

“Joane,” says the captain, closing the distance between us in two short strides. “What the hell happened?”

“I ran into some...Guard-related problems,” I explain sheepishly, feeling my face go red. “I might have jumped off a train.”

“You might have-” Captain Warring looks literally the most tired I have ever seen her be. “Joane. You are on deck duty for the next two weeks once you’re healed and fit for manual labor. Go see Gratitude.”

“Captain-” I start.

“Do not test me,” she snaps. “You could have been killed.”

“Yeah,” I admit, rummaging with my good hand in my pocket. “But I also got this.”

From my pocket I pull a yellowed, folded piece of paper. I unfold it. Official Principality letterhead.

“Flight schedule of the P.A.S. Condor. Transportation of black bar goods.” I let out a shaky breath.

“Docking in West Compassion on October 1st.”

[Episode 1 Part 1] - [Episode 1 Part 3]

[kusunokihime-a]

     [ So this is a long time coming: basically my thoughts on this blog, and...honestly what to do with it. Before anyone (if anyone) panics, I’m not leaving. I’m just...well, conflicted. About a lot of things. So this is gonna be me rambling about my options, feelings, and just...idek. If you wanna know what’s up with me and my sucky activity lately, um...give this a read? No idea how long it’ll be - I’ve got a lot of ground to cover. In short...I’m considering a hiatus, or maybe remaking, or...maybe both? Maybe neither? Hence being, as said...conflicted. ]

     I’ve had my misgivings about the blog overall for a while now. I think, in part, I’ve tried spreading myself too thin. I’ve had this blog for over two years now, and granted while a lot has changed...I still have pages that aren’t finished. I have muses that have never had a single ask or thread. At times I wonder if I have too many, if I have too few, or maybe I should go back to my roots and have the blog JUST be Ryū’s again.

     But I don’t want that. I don’t think I don’t want that? Some days I’m so frustrated with various things I want to drop everything. Other days I want to do even MORE. 

     ...I’m getting ahead of myself. And yes, this is mostly me talking to myself. I think better when I write things down, and...honestly, I need some major self-reflection. If you don’t want to get into my “personal” life, then uh...skip ahead a bit. I dunno. I just feel like it’s vital to understand where this is coming from.

     Basically for at least the last...we’ll say four months...my mental health (while it’s always been very poor) has gotten...exponentially worse. Especially worrying given that I have NO mental health care, and never have. Basically a lot of “real life” issues have been popping up, escalating, and bogging me down until I’m at the lowest I’ve been in...a very long time. I’d wager the last...more than ten years? It’s just that all these bad things have happened or gotten worse this year, and all at about the same time.

     Which makes doing ANYTHING, let alone something like running an RP blog...very difficult. I know I put on a very happy, positive face...and while that’s a lie, per se...it also covers up a LOT. I realize no one likes to bring the negative of their life onto their blogs. And a lot of us have a LOT we’re dealing with. I just...am not sure how much longer I can keep this up.

     ...especially given that, again, I can’t afford any kind of help. Therapy, medication, ANYTHING. I’ve been fighting a very off-kilter brain all my life without anything to aid it. I’ll be blunt: it’s a miracle I’ve lived this long. And part of the reason I HAVE, is because of the friendships I’ve built here. Some have been lost, some are newly started, but...a lot about this blog has kept me afloat.

     Which, getting back on track, is why it’s so...distressing to me that I’m slipping here. Things aren’t how they were, and I’m not sure how to fix them. I dunno if it’s purely my slipping mental state (very believable), or if something actually DOES need to change here.

     Granted, there are things here that frustrate me. I have a good number of mutuals, and despite having open posts rather often, especially over the past month or so, I have interactions with a very small percentage of that...and even less of that is something steady. Don’t get me wrong: I ADORE everyone who writes with me. And to those who don’t, I’m not angry. I just feel like...I need to clean things out. Narrow my focus. To be frank, it’s...disheartening to see how many people I follow/follow me, and how many reach out. Granted, I don’t go to others’ inboxes willy nilly, but...I’ve put out a LOT of inbox calls. A LOT. And despite some people I’ve not interacted with being online when they’re posted...it’s always the same (lovely) people. Like...what else can I do? Hence feeling like maybe I need to remake, get the cobwebs dusted out. Start over with a fresh slate and maybe not feel so...bogged down. Maybe be a lot more selective about who I follow, and just stick with the people who have put in the effort, y’know?

     As I said earlier, I have muses that never get touched, either. Granted, it may be due to their origins (as all of the muses I have in mind are OCs). And though a few people have at least hinted they’d like to interact...there’s little to show for it. Which is, at the very least, partly my fault. But I guess I also feel like I should cut those muses if they’re not going to be written with. Which...sucks, cuz ALL of my OCs have YEARS of planning put into them. I’ve been writing/planning/RPing ALAS since 2012. And yet those like the twins, and Hinode, Ayame and Higure feel very...unwanted. Which I can understand: not everyone is gonna like every muse. Hinode’s technically the only one who hasn’t had any playtime. But the rest are still significantly beneath the canons, and those like Ryū and Reika. So I wonder if another way to clean house is to just...either cut muses entirely, or...move them to some kind of side page? idek at this point.

     My blog just feels very...disorganized, which drives me UP the wall. And yet I also lack the energy and the drive to finish it up: especially given that I’m not sure what to do with some of it. Keep it, cut it, change it...I dunno. And that’s both frustrating and anxiety-inducing.

     ...I dunno. I have some drafts and owed things I’ve been staring at for ages, and I just...can’t seem to think up a response. I dunno how to get my mojo back. I dunno if a hiatus would help? I’m not even sure it would last: I spend a lot of my free time here, and don’t have many other hobbies to fill that slot. But at the same time I’ve spent that time staring at owed things and wondering what the heck to write. Which means I’m not really doing it anyway.

     And then there’s my sideblogs. Several of which are very important to me (my art blog, drabble blog, nightwalkcrs, etc). If I remade, I’d have to move them all over, and all their content...which I can do with a queue but gods that’d still take ages to go through everything. Especially since some is from date-specific challenges. And the drabble blog’s got SO many posts @~@ Granted, some of the sideblogs I need to cull anyway.

     ...I’m just...feel like a chicken running amok with my head chopped off. I dunno where to start, what to do...I owe drabbles from the giveaway from over a month ago, and I still can’t think of what to write. (If any of you want something else...let me know, because I feel awful). I’ve been here almost three years, two of which are on this blog (and like eight months on the first, which...let’s not go there). I don’t want to lose what I have here. I don’t want to LEAVE. But I feel like if I don’ t change something, I’m gonna reach a point where I have no other choice but than to just dump everything.

     I dunno if a hiatus would work. I dunno if it’s worth remaking. But something’s gotta give, and I dunno what’ll be first: me, or the blog.