#if you surround yourself with other autists who share the same values as you do

[silverfox66]

I disagree with the idea that autistic people have a stronger sense of justice. I think it's more of stronger personal convictions, intensified by strong black and white thinking. An autist who spends most of their time on 8chan posting nazi memes doesn't really have a strong sense of justice, right? But probably does have the strong conviction that he is right, even though they're objectively not right.

But "a strong sense of justice" of course sounds nicer and makes people feel better about themselves.

[rainbowsky]

so today my mom was over at my place and my desktop background is a picture of xiao zhan from his winter solstice shoot, and when she saw it she asked who the hottie was and i had to restrain myself bc it was not the time place or the right person to info dump to! luckily or maybe unfortunately as an autistic person "conceal don't reveal" is a thing at which i excel alkjhslkdjf

but that got me wondering if i could perhaps ask for your perspective and experience with this, since i know you are also autistic. i find it very difficult to determine how much of my hyperfixations and special interests are safe to reveal to others and i've had some not so great reactions before so now i tend to keep up the mask and hold it all in, even with people close to me. as a result i know i probably come across as a very boring and negative person who is never interested in anything. i don't think i'm like that, but honestly i'm not sure anymore. i've pretended for so long i don't really know who i am.

do you share a lot with the people around you about your special interests? how do you know when where and to whom it's safe? does it all come down to surrounding yourself with good and understanding people that you're comfortable around and that accept you completely? writing it out now it looks so simple, like yes of course that's what i'm supposed to do! but how?? i don't know how to read people and on the occasions i have decided to trust someone and it turned out to be a huge mistake it feels really bad to be proven wrong, and being wrong lowers the chances that i'll open up again.

i can't help but fear that i will never be able to truly be myself around other people. in online spaces it's possible to stay anonymous and it's easy to just block and ignore the assholes, but it seems much harder irl. do you perhaps have any tips? since we have some of the same interests and your blog exudes a calm and accepting energy i feel like you would be a good person to ask. i hope it doesn't put you out.

thanks so much and take care! 💜

Hi Anon! 💖

It's not your job to protect people from your personality. I'm sad whenever I see this being taught to people, it's so wrong.

There is an affirmation that's been making the rounds for years that is so true: "You deserve to be loved without having to hide the parts of yourself that you think are unlovable."

A lot of neurodivergent people seem to carry the baggage of neurotypical people's disdain toward, impatience with and disrespect for the differences of others, and to that I say: BS. Their bigotry, ignorance and entitlement are not your problem.

A lot of the standards and expectations around how people 'should' be are a product of dominance culture (aka white supremacy culture). The belief that there is 'one right way' to be - and that the only way to be worthy and acceptable in society is to conform to that 'one right way' - is a core feature of dominance culture. That culture is one of the most destructive forces on the planet, and I urge everyone to root it out and dismantle it wherever they find it.

In fact there are many wonderful ways to be and live, and in a conformist world our choice to love ourselves, be ourselves and pursue self-actualization is a revolutionary act.

Of course we can and should work with others to build bridges across our differences and find ways to ensure that both people's needs get met in our relationships. But it's important that it is a two-way street, and not just a situation where we're doing all the adapting and accommodating and they're reaping all the benefits of being catered to*.

When that happens we end up having our value and self-esteem undermined while theirs is boosted, validated and affirmed. That only exacerbates the power imbalances and further erodes the relationship and our ability to build healthy, trusting connections.

*Contrary to popular belief, neurodivergent people spend their lives and a great deal of energy accommodating neurotypical people - not the other way around. The fairly recent, mostly tokenistic attempts to make spaces and cultures more 'ND-friendly' can't even hold a faint candle to the insane pretzels ND people have had to twist ourselves into for decades trying to 'fit in' and be accepted into a world which still caters almost exclusively to able-bodied, white, straight, cisgender, affluent, educated, neurotypical people.

So, to answer your question - be yourself, and in this way you will find your people.

Authenticity is the only way to build authentic relationships and connections.

If there are people in our lives who don't understand us and who treat our interests and our personalities as 'a problem', that's a problem that both sides need to address. We need to self-examine and make sure we are making space for the other person to express themselves, but they also need to do the same for us.

Balance is found by working together toward a common goal - a genuine connection between two people. Make sure that you both share that goal. Communicate your needs and ask them to share what their needs are as well.

Our needs matter.

Don't let them go unnoticed, unacknowledged and unmet. Not by you or anyone else.

We're all in fandom, we're all familiar with the concept of 'the confession'. This is actually an important concept in all relationships, not just romantic ones. Because in ALL relationships, being yourself is the ultimate act of love.

Just like a love confession, it requires vulnerability, trust and a desire to connect. When we reach out to someone to share some part of who we are inside, we are initiating a connection with that person and giving them the gift of our authentic self.

If they are unable or unwilling to accept that and meet us where we are, then they are probably not the right person for us to connect with, or else they aren't yet ready to connect.

That can be painful and can feel like a form of rejection, but I try to take those things as useful information, and treat my personality as a friend filter. Those who are put off by me aren't the right people for me to try to be close to. I want to surround myself with people who are able to be real with me and accept me and celebrate me for who I am (and vice versa).

Special interests are a big part of that, because they become so central in our lives. If we have people close to us who can't make space for us and our special interests in some way, then we will end up feeling lonely and invisible. That becomes even worse when we are shamed and ridiculed for our interests.

I go back to what I said before - our needs matter. If we work toward having truly reciprocal, equitable relationships where both people's needs are being met, we will be happier overall.

Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication is a great place to start on that project.

Trust is hard. I am naive and trusting to a fault, and I have to lean heavily at times on others who have my best interests in mind, or else I end up being bullied or taken advantage of.

If you're struggling with that, I urge you to find someone you can truly trust (preferably multiple people) - such as a close friend or family member who has proved to truly have your best interests at heart, or if you can't find that, a therapist who understands your needs and vulnerabilities and can be a support and a sounding board - and get their help and advice in situations you're uncertain about.

If you can't find a therapist and you have no close people you trust, there are many online communities and groups where you can find like-minded people to bounce these things off of.

Most importantly, always remember that everything we say, do and think can only ever be a reflection of ourselves, our values, and what's in our hearts and minds. It can never be about anyone else.

If people treat you badly it's not because you're bad, it's because they are.

(or rather, because they're unexamined, unevolved, mean-spirited, in a dark place, self-focused to a fault, etc. etc. but that doesn't make as memorable a sound bite)

Don't let unexamined, unevolved, mean-spirited people, etc., etc. teach you to think or feel badly about yourself. Understand that hurtful criticism is about the other person and their expectations, values and attitudes, not about you.

Exercise healthy boundaries. Understand where the other person ends and where you begin, and refuse to take on things that aren't part of who you are. Ask yourself, "Do I truly agree with what this person is saying?"

Is what the other person claims true, fair, honest, and said in the spirit of compassion and connection, or was it said in a judgmental, self-absorbed (focusing on their needs at the exclusion of your own), punitive way? Are they trying to connect with you or are they trying to control or change you?

We can often have a tendency to hear criticism - particularly from those who we look up to or want to have a connection with - as truth being served to us by someone who sees something in us, when in most cases other people's criticism truly has nothing to do with us. It's about the other person and what they want.

This tendency to gobble up negative messages from others ties in with the nearly universal experience of imposter feelings - the idea that deep down inside we are unworthy, a fraud and an imposter, and it's only a matter of time before others will find us out and condemn us. This is another feature of dominance culture.

People are much more attuned to negative messages than to positive ones because of the deep, secret fear that we are bad. Which is so tragic, because the people who know us best and have our best interests in mind are the loving voices we tend to dismiss, while the mean-spirited messages from hurtful people are taken to heart.

But as I said before, their criticism has less to do with us and much, much more to do with who they are and what they want.

And what they want might not be right for us, so we should be cautious and considered in how we handle it. We need to unpack and examine it, and only take in what feels fair and helpful and can enrich our lives and lead to growth.

I know I say this a lot, but we should never let anyone else tell us who we are. We are the only experts on ourselves. If we are self-examined, honest and personally accountable, and if we are doing our best and acting in good faith, that is all anyone can ask of us.

So as I see it, you are dealing with two separate issues:

The internalized belief that you are 'too much' for neurotypical people to want to be around.

Issues around trust in relationships.

Recognizing these as two separate issues and reflecting on them as such might help a lot.

The first is an issue of self-acceptance. Only by looking at yourself as worthy and valuable and interesting can you go out into the world and take your place in relationships as an equal who has something appropriate to contribute rather than approaching it as though you are a burden.

Only by championing your own needs, traits and beautiful qualities as every bit as valid and important as the needs, traits and qualities of those around you will you find a balance and build relationships where you are appreciated and valued.

The second issue is something that takes time, but building trust means taking risks - there's no way around it.

Don't take other people's disappointing behavior personally. When we test the waters to see if someone is worthy of our trust and they show us they aren't - that's useful information about our incompatibilities with that person. It doesn't say anything about our selves, or about our worth as humans. All it tells us is that we are going to have to look elsewhere to find the right connection.

Long-winded and meandery, but I have a lot of thoughts on these topics because they're issues I've grappled with a lot in my life. I hope any of it is helpful, Anon. And I hope you find ways to be comfortable sharing more of yourself with others who can accept you and celebrate you for who you are.

I talked in more detail about conformity, acceptance and dealing with people who ridicule our interests/fandom here.

I talked more about dealing with issues around autism here.

EDIT: A couple of follow-up posts

About the limitations and barriers some people face with building in-person connections

Further tips and reading on self-esteem

[marcilled]

This is a personal post.

I'm beginning to realize that, for a really long time now, I've been substituting true self esteem for something else entirely

Instead of actually feeling proud of myself, like an accomplished person, I've been forcing myself into the forefront of everyone's attention, while simultaneously remaining as "just a part of a larger whole", so that i didnt have to feel like it was 100% my fault whenever I fucked up (although, I usually blamed myself anyways- not because of a clear consciousness or anything, but out of a bitter self hatred)

I put myself front and center at a carousel of things that only I could apparently be good at- not because I think I'm the best, but because I think I'm a freak for being as meticulously obsessed with things as I am. This leaves little room for my friends to actually bounce off of my experience, because I see anyone else I know encroaching on that skill that I have at the only thing I feel like I'm any good at, and it feels like a threat. I don't acknowledge it that way because I know it'd be shitty, but there's this underlying feeling that I'm being one-upped anyways...

I ended up hurting some people really dear to me because of this twisted way of thinking. I’m pretty sure I lost the privilege of calling them friends as a result. It took me a few days of self-isolation, crying, and mindlessly zonking out while playing civ until the sun came up, but I think I have a fuller picture of what my issue is. It’s not as simple as just, “I need to stop hating myself”. I recognized that- but the emotions were too raw at the time for me to really understand the depth and complexity to the issue.

At its face... I need to accept that I’m not annoying or a freak for having a deep interest in the things that I do- maybe it makes me “weird”, but I need to learn how to own that, how to feel like being weird in that way is a good thing, even if not everyone else thinks the same.

At the same time, I need to accept that my knowledge about my special interests isn’t the only thing that does, or could ever, give me “worth”. I have this conception in my head, that I’m only ever going to be good at this, or that I only have value for the things I’m proficient at, which are all very limited in scope.

People always say that having weird special interests is fine & valid... They go on about all the ways we shouldn’t be bullied for having special interests, for conceptualizing the world through the lens of them at times. But all of that is stuff I already know and accept. Something I don’t think gets talked about as much is how autistic people internalize that bullying. How, sometimes, for people like me, we can turn that same hatred and malice in towards ourselves- even if it’s not something we actually truly believe, or would ever apply to other people.

I’ve always had this sort of cocoon of self hatred surrounding me, for as long as I can remember. It’s terrible, full of thorns, and always uncomfortable, never letting me truly be myself, let alone think for or even act for myself. But it was built as a “protection” from the outside- sort of. If I hate myself enough, for all the reasons that I’m already hated by others, then nothing can hurt me anymore, because I’m already telling myself all of the most hurtful things I possibly could. It’s fucked up, and it doesn’t really help to protect myself from anything- it just makes everything harder.

My friends aren’t “competition”, they aren’t going to take away what makes me special by showing the same level as interest in something as me. If anything, I should be thankful that someone actually cares as much as I do. That’s all I ever wanted, right? To have friends that are as passionate as I am? So why did I have to throw it all away by seeing that as a threat?

Thinking about this, it’s easy to go down the path of self-hatred again. But, that’s how I got into this mess... I also wanna say... For anyone reading in on this, and concerning yourself with the what-ifs of the situation... This is never stuff I consciously thought of, until I was made aware of this behavior in myself. It was really a subconscious type of thing. But the harm is all the same. Make whatever you want out of that, I’m not gonna ask to be babied about it, I fucked up. I fucked up, and I’m sorry, if you’re actually reading this.

But, I didn’t make this post as an apology to the people I hurt. I made it as a sort of... self-reflection. Maybe it can still be an apology? I don’t know. I don’t think they want an apology. So, this isn’t really about that, or asking for forgiveness. This is just about... me pondering on all of my issues, and how I might move on from this. I hope those former friends are able to move on as well... I was kind of a huge asshole. But it’s never easy to let go of close friends that way, even if it’s necessary for your own wellbeing. So, I hope they’re doing ok. and... I hope they know I don’t hate them. and that I’ll be ok, too. I’m just sad. Sad and full of regrets.

I think I’ve rambled on enough for now. This was kind of hard to type, and I might delete it later, since it’s something really personal to be sharing to, potentially, 3000+ eyeballs... (as if that many of my tumblr followers actually would click on a readmore I post tho...), thanks for reading though. and to those who have been worrying about me- I’ll be ok, thanks for your concern.

[jellydishes]

dragon age characters as gods: origins edition

the first post in this series, which ironically covers dragon age two characters, can be foubd here

the warden is not actually the name of one god, but a title shared among a group, and their individual origins’ differences impact the way their stories are sung or whispered. they are just as often worshipped as psychopomps, carriers of the dead to the afterlife, as they are a source of comfort and guidance for those who had to grow up too soon; whether to war or illness or abuse or the loss of a parent or a thousand other personal stories that can fit within two syllables. warden. guard and guardian, those who sacrifice everything in order to carry the hope for others. how much more can i give? ask the weary and the grieving. “always at least once more,” say the wardens. “one more inch, one more battle. and then one day you will look up to see you have walked a thousand miles in single steps.”

in many ways, alistair fits what some call the classic ideal of a demigod; an isolated youth spent unknowing of his true parentage, one that made him humble and hungering for true respect. many turn to him for this reason alone, including orphans and the abused. many more sing his name in the dark times of their lives because of what came after that- a lifetime living with a brain that operated just a few steps to the left of the rest of humanity. a life filled with doubt and grief and loss, one filled with moments in which he could have given up. but he didn't, and he didn't, and he kept on finding beauty amid the horrors of war and the heartsick times of rebuilding that come after. “it seems so much easier to lie down and die,” he whispers to those who chose him, “but there is work to be done, and you can do it. but not alone. you are never alone where i can walk with you. when you chose me, i chose you. you earned a hand in the dark. all you need to do is reach out and hold tight.”

morrigan is a goddess in flux. in one aspect, she is a goddess of magic and of vengeance, of turning your pain outward to protect yourself when no one else can, has, or will. some say the doubters are the hopeful who've had their hopes dashed time and again, and that both is and isn't true with morrigan- she would insist to anyone who cared to ask that hers is the domain of realism, of looking at a harsh world and seeing truth. all the same, morrigan looks kindly on abused children and adults, on the lonely and broken hearted. she is a goddess who will rarely reach out first, until she knows she can trust there to be someone ready to catch her, too. in her second aspect, morrigan is the protector that she never had: a mother. she has learned that trust now, if has yet to lose all of the wariness that came before it. that wariness bleeds away when she recognizes one of her own, one she might not walk in front of, but has no issues walking beside. “the world may not be brighter for my presence,” says morrigan’s voice at her pilgrim’s ear, “but i will ensure that the night’s terrors have good reason to fear us back. it is my turn to give back the courage you kept inside, the same way i did. you have me, and i have you. that might not seem like much, but i would say it's a damn good start.”

leliana is yet another goddess who is underestimated by many. she's seen as a minor deity favored in the cities and temples belonging to the rich and comfortable, which she often is. however, thinking that is all there is to one who began her existence as a death goddess would be a mistake, one that some only made once, many years ago. as harsh and unforgiving as the smiles she was often depicted with used to be, these days leliana has grown to value finding the small joys in life when others would become bitter and withdrawn. of enjoying the creature comforts, of loving to sing and dance and marvel at the beauty of a shoe or a creature often ignored or considered a pest. these two aspects are not mutually exclusive- leliana lives in pain borne just as she is in pain transformed, as many of her faithful do. “not everything must be an uphill battle,” softly calls leliana’s warm voice. “being kind, and extending a hand with outstretched fingers can be an act of courage, when all you want to do is form a fist with it. take a breath when you're going through your darkest hour, maybe two, and come out singing with me.”

sten is a deity that many find frustratingly inscrutable, if not impossible to understand. his is a religion that seems to be very rigidly bound to duty and rules and observances and a hierarchy that dominates the conversation of almost everyone who comes across him or his worshippers. and to many, that is all there is. it takes a very determined soul to grow to understand that there is a sort of comfort in routine, in knowing what is expected of you and who you are, in knowing exactly who you can turn to if you question or need help. in sten’s service, you are considered to be undertaking a journey to understand the world in which you live, either writ large, or your own. rigidity can bring comfort, confidence, and a chance for many who had been lost to breathe. it is discovering new things, change, spread out to a pace that is less overwhelming to many for whom change in routines or simple fear would make it daunting. he approves of surpassing expectations, of growing within a box that used to bring you comfort before seeking out one that you yourself have picked out that means you. those with borderline personality disorder and autistics and the abused are common worshippers of him, and he extends a hand right back, just within reach. “i cannot pull you up,” he would say in a voice that sounds as sure and solid as the sun, “i cannot reach for you. but i am here as a wall to brace against whenever you have need. and in return, you remind me why i have respect for the lost and the heartsick. together, we will find better ways to be.”

wynne is a quiet diety, one who seemingly performs the functions expected of her and little else, but in truth wynne simply works in quiet ways, helping to inspire quiet victories over troubles large and small. it is known that in her own legends she was a prisoner for many years simply because of a trick of birth. that she lost and lost and lost again, all of her life, and had been tempted to give up just as often. and yet, wynne never gave up on those around her who couldn't speak for themselves. the children and the dead and those who had become too traumatized or afraid to lift their voices any longer. wynne is a warm presence for prisoners and the institutionalized and the disenfranchised just as often as she is for the physically and mentally disabled, and those with any sort of neurodivergences in general. she understands, whispers her worshippers, and she still, always, loves you. “i cannot save you on my own,” she whispers back to those who call her name. “it is up to you to take the first step and the last and all of the ones in between, but i will be right beside you with my hand in yours. together, we are stronger for each other, and that is how it is meant to be.”

zevran is dismissed but many who don’t care to look beyond the stereotypes assigned to both him and his worshippers as a harvest deity, one associated with sex and death and glorying in temporary joys. some do indeed turn to him for such things, but that only behind to scratch the surface of all that zevran and his worship are and have become. zevran does indeed preside over death, but just as often the deaths he presides over are more alike to changes. endings that lead to new beginnings, or how one can gradually move from being locked a suicidally depressed state into a journey towards recovery. the death of who who no longer wish to be, and the birth of who you wish so much to become. as often as he is depicted as smiling atop the coins that are both his symbol and currency, his worshippers know that smile to be a sad one, and press that currency into the hands of the abandoned souls who most need it. the orphans and the slaves and those lost to the ravages of their own neurodivergences/trauma. he looks kindly upon those who struggle with relationships ships of any kind after a life where that always meant danger. “life is full of risks,” he murmurs to an orphan warily eyeing their new foster family. “it is up to you to decide whether those risks are worth it, but you cannot say ‘no’ forever, or one day you will look up and you will be surrounded by high walls with no one left to hear you on the other side, save for me. let me help you, the way others helped me. the way you helped me, and we will emerge from this together.”

oghren is defined by contradictions. many see him as a simple god of drink and revelry and battle, of simple pleasures that exact simple joys and sorrows. however, as with many from his pantheon, that is not nearly all ghay he is. oghren is, first and foremost, a god for those who grieve and those who are afraid. those who turn to alcohol or drugs or other addictive behaviors in order to cope with a life that took and took and took from them, with a life where they are deeply unhappy. he does not judge those he presides over, no matter how often they backslide or break something that may never be fixed again. “you're mine, and i'm yours,” he says to the suffering in a gentle voice many wouldn't think he had. “and that means that i will stick by you every time you can't reach where you want to go. and you know why? every time you can't quite make it is proof that you can come this far, and can do it again. you are mine, the heart of my own heart, and i will stay with you for as long as you need and want me to. know that i am proud, and that together, we will see this through.”

shale is an impatient deity, and one with no patience for insincerity or creating and spreading cruelty. transgender and nonbinary people in particular turn to the steadying presence of shale in their lives, as do prisoners and the poor imprisoned by society into overwhelmingly literal chains. her comfort can be a stirling thing, as all of her tales whisper of how she moved from one prison to another and so learned distrust and fear externalized as anger. but so, too, did she learn compassion. shale listens just as deeply to a prayer by a child sentenced to prison for a crime that they had no chance to avoid, as she does soldiers who know that the acts they will commit will be frozen in time in their memory. “everyone is born in a box,” shale tells those who ask for her watchful gaze to settle over their shoulder. “it is inevitable that eventually you will grow and change, where the box will not. it will grow uncomfortable, then stifling, and then a wound. i cannot give you the key, because you already have it. the only thing to do is to stand beside you, ready to catch you if you fall, to steady you as you feel the turning of the world beneath your feet again. i cannot bear this for you, but i can make sure that you do not have to be strong all the time. not when i can give you the time and safety to put down your burdens for an hour, a night, a day. breathe, because you can. because you must.”

loghain is an old god, and his stories changed along with the shifting values of the societies around him. as they did, his devotion to duty above all else fell out of favor. instead, the tales took on a darker tone of disloyalty and treachery. kingslayer, they called him now. even so, voices still called out to him. soldiers and conquered people, children who have seen war and the furious, wearied people those children grew up to be. “the beat of your heart is the lifesblood of everything that defines you,” says loghain’s voice from between the clench of your fist. “stronger than blood, stronger than love, stronger than your very bones. do not give it up, or everything you have seen and done will be for nothing. do not give up. i am the hand on your shoulder, the hand clasped in yours. comrade and father and traitor, i am what my duty needs me to be and so are you.”

[destroyyourbinder]

trans experience and social isolation

Following up on that last post I reblogged, one thing I’ve noticed is that a lot of trans people (but not all) were abnormally isolated from other people or from normal social development as children, sometimes up into their adulthood. It’s one of the most consistent strains I have seen in the experiences of both trans and detrans people, from old case studies of “transsexuals” in the 1960s up to experiences of “trans kids” now. It is something I see in the histories of trans people I meet in my day to day life as well as a striking consistency in the stories of the detransitioned and reconciling women I know. I was one of these people, and it is sometimes difficult to explain the extent to which I was socially isolated from others. I think having autism on top of my family’s abuse, my geographical isolation (I quite literally grew up surrounded by corn and soybean fields), and specific cultural environment compounded the social problems I faced. Here are some common things I’ve seen. I can’t possibly name them all. Note again that being autistic or otherwise neuroatypical in a way that makes socializing difficult greatly modifies and intensifies these experiences. I won’t cover this here because it would truly take me all night to discuss how autism can affect and interact with experiencing these different scenarios, as well as can appear to others as a justification for isolating you directly, subjecting you to isolating experiences, or neglecting your needs for stimulation, social development, education, and independent action. These are all also colored by experiencing my childhood as female and predominately knowing female trans and detransitioned people; female children and young adults are often isolated deliberately from others, cloistered in restrictive same-sex environments or prevented from achieving education or experiences in the world, in order to prepare them for being handed off in marriage to a man. While this does not happen frequently in such an explicit way in the modern United States, it’s abundantly clear to any sister who had a brother that they were not treated the same and that they were limited from experiencing the world in ways that male children do not typically experience, either “for their own safety”, because they were not seen to have the same potential, because expending resources on them would be a comparative waste, or for other reasons. Again, I can’t possibly do this topic justice in this space but it is a unique form of harm when you are subjected to isolation and it is considered a kind of good, justified by others who you seek help from or who you try to connect to. Isolation becomes devastating and complete when your remaining attempts at reaching out are grossly and crudely cut off, something that happens to more young girls than you’d know. Isolating experiences common in transgender childhood, youth, and young adulthood, sometimes into later adulthood in particularly abusive environments:

Having parents or caretakers who were abnormally controlling about who you socialize with, sometimes to the point of refusing you most or all social contact with peers or insisting on directly monitoring all socializing. There may just be so many rules and requirements or surveillance strategies for social contact that you find it too burdensome to try to socialize with others. Family or caretakers may require that you allow them to or find it normal to invade your privacy, such as reading diaries, monitoring phone contacts, or reading internet posts, e-mails, and so on. They may demand passwords to your phone, computer, or accounts, or that you leave your personal belongings unprotected. You may have little or no un-monitored social experience outside of your family and possibly certain secretive contacts, sometimes having achieved social contact with others (often exploitative or inappropriate social experiences) only through deceit or “sneaking around”. You may spend a great deal of time and energy concealing not only your socializing but your personal thoughts, beliefs, and experiences from those who monitor you; you may feel isolated even inside your own head, with nowhere to yourself.

Having bizarre schooling experiences such as being pulled out of schools multiple times, changing schools frequently, unusual homeschooling, school neglect or tolerance of truancy, being expelled or suspended in ways that led to schooling gaps. Your parents or caretakers may be unusually controlling about your school experiences, frequently calling the school to insist on interventions, inserting themselves often in your normal school life, or insisting on surveilling your activities during school by demanding others monitor you or continually demanding recorded information. Alternately, parents or caretakers may be neglectful of your schooling needs, not caring that you are missing school or insisting that other things such as making money or family obligations are more important than education.

Having parents or caretakers who are abnormally paranoid about “stranger danger”, break-ins, abduction, rape, murder, or other violence to the point that they dramatically limit your natural play and exploration of the environment. May not permit you to go outside or visit public areas, even when you are a teen or young adult. You may have moved houses, often to an isolated rural or suburban area, so your family could escape the perceived danger of cities or areas with people. The family, general community, or a parent may have been obsessed with personal defense or security or preparing for disasters. They might expose you to inappropriate information about violence and disaster that frightens you so much you have trouble participating in normal life.

Being isolated from cultural peers or from information about people “like you”. You may be a person of color in an extremely white-dominated environment or who has family that has internalized white values, insisting on rejecting your shared heritage or refusing to recognize discrimination against people of your racial or ethnic background. You may feel like you have to choose between your family or your family’s choices and bonding with others of your race or ethnicity. You may be gay with little opportunity to socialize or meet gay people, unable to access information about gay history and culture, often because this information is deliberately concealed or banned from you. You may feel like your family or community would reject or even hurt you if you are gay or are seen socializing with or accessing information about gay people. You may be disabled without knowing anyone else with your condition, possibly not told the name, treatment, or extent of your condition, with family or other environment that refuses to acknowledge the disability, only recognizing it as a pathology or personal failing, or who overcompensates by “doting” on you instead of providing caretaking that respects your agency.

Being exposed to unusual or controlling religious beliefs or participation in a coercive religious environment. You may be convinced that outsiders are morally suspect and that socializing with others outside the family or community will corrupt you. May have had an exclusively or predominately religious education full of misinformation about the greater world. The religious environment you live in may be cult-like. Family may prioritize participation in religion or religious activities above all other activities, and you may have little time unstructured by religious ritual or uninterpreted by religious doctrine. Media, entertainment, and information sources available to you may be strictly filtered, and many sources of learning may be outright banned. You may be taught to distrust learning about anything but religion or your community, and may be taught to abide by strict hierarchy rather than associate with others freely and casually.

Having extremely abusive or neglectful parents. You may have been literally held captive in the house, not permitted to leave family property, or unable to escape family. Family may be so abusive that you cannot safely invite peers to house, or so neglectful that conditions of living are shameful or dangerous. You may be in a“Stockholm Syndrome” type situation where it does not even occur to you that socializing with others is desirable or where all outsiders seem like a threat. You may be so traumatized by your living conditions or treatment by others that socializing is too difficult or threatening. You may have been in an isolated, abusive or neglectful living situation so long, sometimes into adulthood, that you have interrupted social skills, and your social motivation has been lost or distorted.

Being in institutional care or institutionally disciplined for much of childhood. You may have been sent to juvenile detention, family court, observed by social workers, or been on parole during part of your childhood. May be in and out of alternative schooling, particularly schooling provided while undergoing treatment for mental illness or while being jailed. You may have been in residential treatment for mental illness or continually hospitalized for a medical condition or mental illness. Socializing may predominately occur under conditions where your peers are people with severe life issues that may make their attempts at socializing unusual or disruptive, where peers are of highly stigmatized populations, and where socializing is continually monitored by authority figures particularly for signs of pathology or need of discipline. Institutional contact may have led you to be ostracized from your peers outside these institutions, or conditions of institutionalization may make it difficult for you to contact or stay in touch with friends and family “outside”.

Having family or others that seek to make you dependent on them or find it convenient or fulfilling that you are dependent, either through abusively removing ability to support yourself, through neglecting to teach you life skills, or through overbearing parenting that leaves you inappropriately childlike and anxious while trying to exercise independence. Parents may be “helicopter parents” and try to resolve your problems with little input from you, may be inappropriately controlling of your environment or opportunities, and may seek to arrange your life for you even if this is not common in your culture. Parents may seek to accompany you or monitor you during situations where this is extremely inappropriate or unwanted. Family or others may discourage you or prevent you from learning to drive, finishing your education, or seeking employment or employment skills, may encourage you or demand that you live with them even once you reach adulthood. Independence skills or resources may be given to you with “strings attached” that make you dependent on your family or a particular person for opportunities or make it impossible for you to escape an abusive situation. Family or others may find it convenient that you are disabled, mentally ill, or experiencing life difficulties and use their support or its withdrawal as a means of communication or means to control you. Support given by others outside the family or beyond a particular person’s domain may be rejected, belittled, or you may be discouraged or outright prevented from taking it.

Having an unusual or stigmatizing condition or disability. Family, caretakers, or doctors may insist that your condition requires secrecy or isolation from others. There may be the implication that the condition will “taint” others as if it is contagious or “horrify” others so much that it must never be revealed. Your condition might require so much medical treatment that it interferes with normal life and child development. May regularly miss school or socializing due to the condition or its treatment. The condition may be one subject to surveillance that interferes with your trust of others or regular unstructured social development. You might only socialize with a small group of other children, who either all have this condition or are a generalized group of “special education” children, isolated from other peers and perhaps typical family members like siblings and cousins. You might have been isolated from other children with same or similar conditions out of concern that you might accept your condition instead of seeking to normalize yourself at all cost.

Experiencing other frequent, strange, or stigmatizing life events or crises. You may have lost a parent to illness or violence. You may have family members who are in prison or who regularly face criminal discipline. You may have family members with high-need medical conditions or disabilities, who may be in and out of hospitalization or whose conditions require a great deal of care or resources. You may be regularly neglected or ignored because a sibling or parent is deemed to have higher priority due to a medical condition, mental illness, or experiencing life crises. Your family may live in unusual conditions (i.e. hoarding, strangers in and out, too many pets) or have an unusual belief system that is difficult to explain to others and that you may not fully realize is atypical. A parent or caretaker may regularly lose jobs, have wildly inconsistent income or ability to provide resources, have an occupation that is exhausting and disruptive to the family’s life, or may keep the source of their money secretive. You may face an unusual form of abuse or neglect that seems ridiculous or humiliating to explain to others and leads you to self-isolate. Your family may move housing frequently or unpredictably. You may have a parent or multiple parents or caretakers that date frequently or bring unknown sexual partners home all the time. Your home or community life may be so unpredictable or strange you cannot socialize normally, and you have little control over your social contacts or context.

Having a family, community, or schooling that is abnormally “cold” and prioritizes parenting or teaching methods that emphasize authority, obligation, hierarchy, educational development, discipline or other values over loving connection to others. Your family does not touch each other or uses touch to punish or threaten rather than show care. Touch or connection to others is belittled. Sexuality is considered dirty, dangerous, or distracting rather than a normal part of human life. You do not observe parents or others showing warmth to each other, but may observe fighting, rejection, or violence instead. You may observe or be encouraged to develop coldness to those outside the family or community and other beings like animals; coldness may be modeled as essential to certain social roles like working or marriage. Your environment may inconsistently or unpredictably demand warmth and coldness and demands for warmth may occur primarily during abusive scenarios. You may become so confused about appropriate social boundaries that you act out or shut down, alienating yourself from peers or becoming subject to punishment.

Experiencing your sexual development being ignored or hyper-monitored. Parents may comment inappropriately on your development during puberty or neglect giving appropriate sexual education at all. You may undergo puberty atypically early or late or there may be medical issues with your sexual development, making you and your body a subject of discussion among your family, peers, and doctors. Your sexual development might be considered dirty or inappropriate even if it is discussed. Your family or other environments may vacillate between condemning you and distinctly ignoring your sexual development. Family may ban you from opportunities to date or socialize with the intent to form and explore romantic connections, you may have dating opportunities inappropriately surveilled and monitored or arranged with no personal choice, or be completely left with no appropriate social feedback on safe and healthy dating. You may have few social connections outside of romantic or sexual partners, who may be much older, abusive, or otherwise wildly inappropriate; parents or other adults may endorse this behavior or fail to intervene despite knowing. You may be inappropriately exposed to pornography or adult sexuality through sexual coercion or violence or because your few social contacts are in sexualized online environments or abusive/exploitative people. You may be so traumatized by sexual abuse that you cannot socialize without great difficulty or the way you perceive social expectations are distorted.

Seeking social connections exclusively or predominately in age-inappropriate groups, online social groups, or subcultures where norms of social connection are distorted. You may tend to find social connection within groups of people with severe mental health issues, drug addiction, or life instability. Norms of online or peer subcultural groups you participate in may permit or encourage antisocial behavior such as interpersonal violence, self-harm, drug use, narcissistic behavior, abusive or offensive behavior, escalation of conflict for entertainment, etc. Exploitation and abuse are common in your social circle, may be lauded as model behavior, or others may refuse to name this behavior as harmful. You may be manipulated or extorted into harmful behavior towards self or peers that benefits powerful people in the group, or may regularly witness this behavior with no opportunity to intervene or speak up. Your environment may be extremely controlling or even cult-like, and you may lose perspective on the outside world, believing that norms of social behavior common to the group are normal or correct. Group might socially punish pro-social behavior, independent thought, critical thinking, or socializing outside of the group, leaving you isolated and dependent on the group.

[theliterateape]

People can’t Change but They can Evolve

By David Himmel

Our orientation leader asked us to introduce ourselves and state, basically, what we wanted to be when we grew up. It was college freshman orientation and there were maybe thirty hotel majors in one of UNLV’s lecture halls. Everyone’s answer was along the same lines. “I’m So-and–So. I’m from Portland, Oregon. I’d like to run my own chain of hotels, maybe open a few restaurants. I want to be rich. Really rich.” I was last to go.

“I’m David Himmel. I’m from Chicago. Being rich would be great, but as long as I make enough money to afford a bowl of Cocoa Puffs each morning, I’ll be happy.”

The room laughed. I was going for the irony, going for the laugh, but I was also deadly serious. At eighteen years old, I was still simple enough to believe that as long as I could afford at least the most simple of joys, I’d be richer than any of my classmates could dream of. I was living the lesson George Bailey learned at the end of It’s a Wonderful Life. I was funny, but I was also ahead of my time.

I decided from before I arrived in Las Vegas for orientation that I wouldn’t join a fraternity. I wasn’t going to buy my friends, as the saying went. I had plenty of friends who had gone Greek, and many of them worked hard to convince me to join their organization. No thank you. I wasn’t interested. I didn’t need the automatic brotherhood that came from wearing a T-shirt with the same Greek letters embroidered on it. I had no interest in the lore of the founders that found a way to resonate with men like us hundreds of years later. Fraternity dues would cut into my Cocoa Puffs allowance.

By spring semester freshman year, I was miserable. Depression kicked in for the first time in my young life. Not the I’m sad-because-Kim Bartholomew-doesn’t-like-me depression, but the walking-back-from-the-dining-commons-lose-your-breath-to-panic depression. Yes, I had friends and I had good times with friends but I felt unsure of who I was and what I really wanted out of college and out of life and, most of all, what my value and contribution to the world was, if I even had any of either to offer. I was convinced this was my life. I would be uncomfortable and aimless forever. I would be a loser with nothing to show for his time on earth but chocolatey breath from so many bowls of Cocoa Puffs.

By spring semester sophomore year, I decided that something needed to change. My attitude. My approach to college and life and career and socialization. I went to bed one night with a plan to do everything different starting as soon as I woke up. It was early March and the day greeted me with the usual high desert sunshine, but this morning it looked and felt different. It felt new. But that’s all poetry and emo kid pornography. Point is, I was determined to go at each day as its own and at angles of trajectory I’d never tried before.

To start, I caved to the pressure of one friend suggesting I rush a fraternity. I went to one party with the goal of drinking all their booze and taking their women. I drank almost all their booze. I did not take any women. But I did meet some guys who I liked. Two months later, after countless arguments with myself and child-like pushback against the brothers of the Zeta Kappa Chapter of Beta Theta Pi, I joined a goddamn fraternity. HOWEVER! I never wore letters. I never found an interest or connection to the lore. I just liked the guys. A good handful of them became, and remain, some of my closest and most trusted friends.

At that time, cellphones were gaining in popularity — pagers were still the rage — and I refused to own either. “I will never own a cellphone,” I would loudly proclaim with the same punk energy as Henry Rollins singing about something important. “What do I need a cellphone for? Look, if I’m not with you, it’s probably because I don’t want to be with you. Call my apartment. Leave a message on the machine.”

Three months before graduating college, I bought a cellphone. A fraternity brother was working for Sprint at the time. I bought a cellphone from my fraternity brother. I still appreciate the irony and that there’s a good chance eighteen-year-old David would take great pleasure in beating the living shit out of twenty-one-year-old David.

 Who the fuck had I become? What was I? 

✶

Nurture versus nature. That’s a battle royale every waking day. And it should be. Because what we are must constantly war with who we are and who we are becoming.

I’m a social person. But I’m also a bit of a loner. I have to balance the two. I’ve always been this way. Since I was a kid. Being married with a child doesn’t change that I want and need to hunker down in the house with the blinds drawn, the music loud, and an action movie on the TV. And it doesn’t change that I want and need to leave the house to tear up the streets with friends or, more calmly, make new friends in a more polite setting.

What we are is determined to a strong degree while we’re buns in the oven. I’m already seeing traits in my son that strongly resemble, even mirror, traits displayed when he was a newborn. How seriously studious he is, how curious and active he is. And yes, this sounds like every baby–toddler who isn’t autistic. But there are small details that make Harrison, and every other non-autistic child, their own kind of curious and active. My boy is, God willing, going to be a very different person when he’s forty compared to when he was seventeen months. But not because of what he is, but because he’s evolved into who he is. At that time. For a limited amount of time.

I am impulsive and calculated. I am involved and I avoid. I sometimes want nothing more than Cocoa Puffs until I remember I also want a lake house, a boat, and capital so my wife can open a restaurant if she wants. The contradictions I face because of what I am are undying. And at so many pivotal moments in my life, their wrestling has led me to make some gigantic mistakes. Serious fuck ups. Lifelong regrets. Failures that cannot be rectified. Mistakes that cannot be forgiven.

Or, perhaps the failures can be rectified, the mistakes forgiven. Not because I’ve pulled myself back up after being knocked down (by myself or others) or because I’ve apologized umpteen times enough, but because I, and, hopefully, those around me, recognize that the failure is temporary and the mistakes were not character flaws but stupid, gross, human foibles. And how or why would anyone recognize that?

Because we can evolve. We learn from the shit. We accept teachings. We welcome the ironic and contrary and we actually allow ourselves to truly trust those we tell ourselves we trust. We look at ourselves and reassess. We make the choice to go to bed one night determined to approach life differently when the new day hits. We climb out of the piles of our own make, the primordial ooze of dumb, hungry, angry and horny, and we remember that riches are nice but only if we can find simple joy in a bowl of Cocoa Puffs when the going is amazing as well as when it’s all fucked to shit.

And when we can do that for ourselves, we can forgive others who have yet to evolve as quickly as we may have at this point. Not everyone goes through puberty at the same rate, but we all get ingrown hairs in our bikini areas at some point.

We evolve to better manage what we are. We become more familiar with the blind spots and short comings. We are always going to have the tendencies of the beasts who lash out and lunge from reason — like an ape, an alligator, a human toddler. But our ability to come to recognize our new surroundings gives us the opportunity to adapt, to evolve.

Sometimes, our evolution requires the help of fraternity brothers with booze or patient parents or professors with loose office hours or spouses with foresight to know that you’re not a lizard. You’re a human.

And hey, if you ain’t got any frat bros or patient parents or professors or insightful spouses, just remind yourself. Start with you. At some point, you might just have to say, “Fuck everyone else who isn’t on my side, I’ve got an evolution to grab by the short hairs.”

And funny enough, that’s usually the kind of war cry that gets ‘em all clamoring for you anyhow. Hopefully, you have enough Cocoa Puffs to share.