#if you really truly absolutely cannot just dm me and have a conversation like that instead.

[danmeichael]

Wait we were arguing? I thought we were balls deep talking about our scum villain furry headcanon ideas. My bad.

ANON ASKS ARE A BAD MECHANISM FOR CONVERSATION, ANON.

but yeah i figured out eventually that you were just sharing your thoughts on your own furry au! and you can continue doing that if you want but i really truly think you should make some cool posts about it on your own blog.

[monstrousproductions]

Hello! Genuine question here and I don't want to be parasocial by messaging you directly. How would you feel about someone using MA as a jumping off point for a podcast of their own? Something that explores similar themes of queerness, community, and self-expression and borrowing some of your creature-centric terminology? Is that derivative? Thanks so much for your time, you've been an inspiration Mx. Owen

Hello! Thanks for asking. First of all, DMing me on this account isn't parasocial at all - if I wasn't comfortable with people sending me DMs, I'd... close DMs lol They're a handy tool to communicate through, and being parasocial is far more complicated than "sent a creator a message using one format instead of another". All is well!

Secondly, I personally prefer not to use salutations (Mx, Ms, Dr, etc) so please, feel free to call me Hero!

And now, to the meat of your question. I absolutely don't have a problem with people being inspired by MA to make their own art. Far from it! I think that's one of the coolest things about making art - that it can spark something in someone else and they go off and formulate a response or a reaction or something entirely new.

I don't see that something exploring themes of queerness, community and self-expression could possibly be mine to gatekeep. I didn't invent these concepts, and MA is far from the first piece of media to explore them! Neither is any of the language used in MA copyrighted or unique - they aren't invented words, they're just riffing on real ways we talk about marginalisation.

In a legal sense, if your work was really truly "derivative" of MA - as in, explicitly set in the same universe and playing with the canon established by MA - then yes, you'd have to acknowledge that somewhere. Have a look at how The Underwood Collection manage things - they make it very very clear that they are "an unendorsed, noncanonical derivative podcast of Rusty Quill’s The Magnus Archives".

To break that down, it's important you're clear that I haven't lent my name to your project; what you write doesn't impact the MA canon; and that your work is directly building on MA, of which you explicitly credit me as the creator. MA is also released on a non-commercial license, which means you cannot use its derivatives for commerical purposes. Having a Patreon etc to support you is fine, but the content itself must be free to access.

However, if you're using "derivative" in a more general sense - you're making your own world and just playing with the same ideas as MA - then I don't think my opinion matters much. What matters is whether you feel like you're making art that's worth making, that says something you think is worth saying. Even if someone's already said it - many things are important enough to be worth repeating!

I think there's a lot to be said for transformative art and riffing on other creators' work, and that it's a really exciting, interesting thing to put yourself explicitly in conversation with the original work. At the same time, I think making your own art is an opportunity to blend all your influences together and put something into the world that only you could possibly create. And I'm touched that people find Monstrous Agonies interesting and rich enough for them to engage with in either way!

I hope that answered your question, and if not, just shout xx

[efangamez]

So a little PSA going forward btw! This isn't meant as a call out or anything, but a stating of boundaries with my page and communication, as well as some clear ups!

I am incredibly mentally ill and autistic, with memory loss and attention disorders, so if we communicate and things are a little wonky, let me know! Sometimes I'm unaware what I'm saying may be a little rude, so please kindly let me know!

Boundary 1: Please do not ask me to review game items of yours or someone else's! I currently am trying to simply exist in this world by eating, drinking, and showering, so I may not have time to read your games, even if they're really short. I think that, for me right now, it puts a lot of pressure on me that I just cannot deal with right now.

Boundary 2: Please do not ask for advice or tips unsolicited unless through an ask. Again, because I'm a slow texter and have memory loss, I may not be able to get back to you, and I'd much rather you just ask publicly than privately.

Boundary 3: Please no unsolicited DMs. I have learned the hard way many people on this app who DM me wanting something, trying to strike up conversations, or love bomb you, are trying to get something out of you, and I'm kinda tired of it, frankly. Some people who have DMed me have become cool peeps I can talk to, but some have manipulated me and used me, and when I was of no use, discarded me. Because of this, please ONLY DM me if I have expressed a want to otherwise! (This is for mostly random people I don't know, so if we're already talking, we should be good!)

Boundary 4: This kinda goes without saying, but please do not interact with me if you are a minor. This is an 18+ page.

Boundary 5: This one may sting for some people, but it's my personal boundary and it has nothing to do with people individually. I do not wish to be called a "friend" of yours unless I myself call you that. It's a term I hold quite dear and hold for a VERY few people. I'm more like an acquaintance to many people or even just one step up from stranger. Again, it does not mean I don't like you, I just hold friendships super close to my heart, and I've been burned calling people friend who truly are not mine.

Boundary 6: This one is kinda twofold. I want people to know that if my boundaries are crossed after warning, I will block you. My mental health cannot take constant violations of my boundaries, and thus I have to enforce them. The next is that I will ALWAYS restate a boundary with someone, because I'll never expect anyone to know a boundary without them knowing, so if it happens, I'll let you know, sometimes more than once if I know you well enough.

Boundary 7: I will ALWAYS talk about politics or human rights issues, so if you have an issue with that, please do not interact with me. I do not wish to be comrades with those who are "apolitical".

And that's it! I know it's a ton, but like I said, I'll never expect anyone to know automatically what my boundaries are, so if ya mess up, I'll let ya know very kindly!

I'll also have this up on my pinned post so that way people can know exactly my boundaries are!

Have a wonderful day to y'all, and to my fellow disabled and mentally ill baddies out there; you are absolutely loved, and please don't drive yourself to spiral because your feelings are ALWAYS valid (this goes to me too lol).

[shinra-makonoid]

@count-incel actually thinking thoughts, even gory ones, even violent ones, is ok. Thoughts don't hurt people, only actions do. You don't deserve feeling guilty over things you cannot control, it is not your fault. We don't control our thoughts, only our actions. Do not listen to the Christians wanna be "evil thoughts are bad uwu" they don't wish you good, they only wish to control your thoughts. I'm a fellow "I have violent thoughts" and nothing helps except decrease anxiety and accepting this doesn't mean anything. Thoughts are electric impulses in the brain, and our brains are a bit weird, so they produce these. If you wanna talk about it without judgement don't hesitate to say hi in my DMs.

There is absolutely nothing detransitioners do that is evidence based in regards to "dealing with their dysphoria", it's just a cope with probably some placebo effects and pretending. Some probably are truly dysphoric but they got trapped into an ideology the same way ex-gays do. I like to put the thread of a former big detrans name in regards to that:

It's really informative.

Some bits:

I learned to reframe and interpret my life story and feelings according to radical feminist ideology. I learned to see any sense of being a gender other than woman as something that originated from outside of me, not as part of who I was. People in the radical feminist detransitioned women’s community are encouraged to see themselves as women struggling with gender dysphoria and to see any sense of being a gender other than woman as a symptom to be managed, not an identity to express. While some flexibility is allowed in the name of “harm reduction”, the preferred solution to dealing with gender dysphoria is accepting one’s body and learning to see oneself as a woman. Feeling different from women was seen as a delusion to be overcome. Since people in that community believe that people transition and identify as trans because of social influences, there is a lot of pressure on members to live up to certain standards so as not to be a bad influence on others.

Something that really helped me figure things out was hearing about the experiences of gay people who’d survived conversion therapy. I happened to go to a book reading by Peter Gajdics, where he read from The Inheritance of Shame, his memoir about surviving conversion therapy, and some of what he described resonated with me. He talked about how he became convinced by his therapist that trauma he’d experienced as a child had made him gay and that he needed to stop being gay in order to heal from his trauma and stop suffering. Listening to him, I felt a uncomfortable flash of recognition.

Hearing his story made it possible for me to consider that I’d been fed a lie about how my transness was some kind of traumatic wound I needed to heal from. Something I wanted to believe because I was in pain and desperate and that story seemed to offer me a way out. I started reading more about conversion therapy and noticing more similarities between what I’d read and what I’d gone through but kept this all to myself at the time and didn’t quite let myself accept what I was figuring out. It was like part of me was realizing what was going on and another part wasn’t ready to see what had happened and tried to carry on as if everything was working just fine. It would be years after that book reading before I actually gave myself permission to take my perceptions seriously and get out but it planted a seed and I’m very thankful that I attended.

While I see similarities between my experiences and those of people who’ve undergone conversion therapy and/or participated in ex-gay ministries, I recognize many differences as well. Most of the experiences I came across were those of gay people trying to change their sexuality, while I was trying to dismantle my gender identity. They were also trying to become straight or assimilate into a homophobic Christian subculture that has a lot of power in the larger culture while I was attempting to live as a lesbian in a radical feminist lesbian subculture that has far less power and access to resources. There was also less structure than formal conversion therapy or established ex-gay ministries. The radical feminist detrans women’s community was largely inspired by the consciousness raising groups of second wave feminism, so there was a strong emphasis on detrans women coming together to offer support to each other and figure things out on our own, rather than turning to any kind of professional.

Another differences is that much of my engagement with the detrans women’s community happened online. I became radicalized through consuming gender critical/radical feminist media and began interpreting my experiences through those ideologies. I participated in online spaces where these interpretations were supported and reinforced. In many ways, my experience resembles how people are recruited online into other political ideologies and hate groups. In addition to researching conversion therapy, I’ve also studied online radicalization and how people are recruited into hate groups in order to understand what I went through.

Count incel you are literally insane. I am worried for you and for the women around you. Rape and murder fantasies are weird, sister

[t-lostinworlds]

no, your likes aren't public, but i saw that you did like it when i was going to block everyone who interacted with that rude post and i was just shocked that you, someone i genuinely respected, did. you can rail against me being a 'bad' friend all you want, but i don't get why you can't see how that MIGHT be a little upsetting especially when you've made friendships over this fandom?

you can say the post wasn't that serious all you want, but genuinely, this about the same person who just a few months ago said that he was dealing with anxiety over seeing the mean crap people say about him online, and that WAS mean crap. there's just SO many better ways to express that you want him to work rather than calling him 'fucking pathetic'. like that is just wild to me and two faced as hell when no one here had any problem with him taking some time off when he was recently at home.

it just truly sucks that so few of the people i'm friends with here have the maturity to realize that it's just simply not a big deal if he's in a relationship. of all the things for yall to be mad at him over, THAT really takes the cake. anyways, i absolutely stand by what i said. aiming that amount of vitriol to a dude who has done NOTHING wrong is making this fandom just miserable and i truly cannot believe it happens over and over again every time he's seen with her. it's toxic and i'm just so frustrated you can't see that.

honestly, how will i even know who you are when you're sending me asks ON ANON. bro, my dms are open to EVERYONE. literally anyone can send me a message whether i follow them or not. i have that open so people can reach out to me any time they want whoever they might be but you choose to send me this as an ask over ANON. do you know what message that sends me? you want this public. you won't say this shit to my face bc then it's just you and me having a conversation. but you want to let all the people know how much of a 'horrible person' i am so then you can have more anons to back you up. bc power in numbers right? until someone is driven off this site? what kind of friend does that make you?

and all because i liked a post. it's actually funny how you got all of those claims from me liking ONE SINGLE POST. you're accusing me of attacking tom, of berating his whole entire being, of disregarding his mental health when all i did was like a post that said they missed the days when tom was seen as an individual. and i honestly don't see where your problem with that is. why is it such a crime for people to want to support his craft and his craft alone? and fine, the language was a bit offhanded but i've literally seen people call him WORSE THINGS on actual sites he can SEE. hell i saw another post in the tags that spoke meaner things about him which i don't even agree with. but me liking a post that deadass wasn't so fucking deep and was literally one single sentence compared to a whole article is suddenly a testament to my whole being and how awful i am? why are you acting like i've made such a disgusting take when I DIDN'T EVEN MAKE THE DAMN POST. it's such a crime to fucking like things without it having a deeper meaning nowadays huh?

i honestly really want you to show me all the times i made a big deal out of this relationship. or me being mad over it bc it honestly feels like you're just dumping this all on me just to get your frustration towards other people out. bc by this point, you're just putting words in my mouth. is it bc i'm not reblogging stalkerish photos of them? is it bc i have said NOTHING about it instead cooing and awwing at every picture? is that why you immediately came to a conclusion that i have such a problem with him being in a relationship bc i am not waving a big banner that they look so darn cute together?

and you know what, i wasn't going to add this but fuck it. i'm pissed now. it's so fucking rich of you to keep talking about his mental health and how i'm causing so much damage to it when i have said nothing bad about this guy in my own posts or made my own takes on a site he has no idea exists when you're not even stopping to think about what you are doing to my mental health by coming to my own safe space guns blazing accusing me of shit i didn't even do. a bit hypocritical if you ask me. or maybe i just need to be rich and famous for you to actually care about that too.

[sunlightwoo]

wc: <1000

“Are you ready for the interview, bubbles?”

The words coming from Changmin makes you turn around from where you were sitting on the couch to see that he was already taking a seat beside you, nodding in response as you put the water bottle that was in your hand down beneath your feet. There was a comfortable silence that was between you both as you were seated in front of Kevin’s camera and equipment, but for some reason that silence became one that was more awkward and tension filling by the time that he did come back.

And he wasn’t empty handed either, considering there were a pair of headphones in his hands knowing that he was definitely up to no good.

From that moment on, it seemed as though it all went by in a blink of an eye since both you and Kevin knew that you were ready to leave the moment that you saw the headphones. Turns out, he thought that it would be fun to answer questions without the other person hearing it and wait until the video was released to know what was truly said between the two of you, and he even swore that the questions were safe since he had shown you some of what he was going to ask Changmin ahead of time.

It was in the moment that you watched him give Changmin the headphones from his hands and played a song from one of his playlists really loudly on a loop, he watches as Changmin gives him a signal that he couldn’t hear you both and turns to face you with a small smile on his face. You could only hope that he would give you questions that you could easily answer.

“So bubbles, your character Lana and Hansol are lovers, even after everything that has happened between them in all of the seasons, and I know that you and Changmin are exes but… what do you think about your relationship with him is like on and off screen?” He asks you carefully, his eyes already searching in your for any discomfort that you might be hiding or not wanting to show, but you knew that he wasn’t the first one to ask about it.

It might as well be easier to say it to your best friend, rather than a stranger that might be interviewing you for a show that they may be hosting for views.

“Well… both Lana and Hansol hated each other as everyone may know from the beginning, but they fell in love and started dating which eventually led to me and Changmin actually dating off camera after some time. We played as lovers with real feelings by being lovers, and at one point we broke it off, even though our characters are still dating in the series… Yeah, no it’s not awkward with him, but I won’t say that I don’t love him, that’s for sure. He’s always been my best friend, and I rather have that if fate tells us so.” You say with a couple lingering thoughts in your head, and you give Kevin a small smile to show that you were okay, just as he gives you a reassuring one back.

From there, he continues on with the interview by making the heavy atmosphere lighter again and it was suddenly your turn to wear the headphones while a familiar song plays in your ears at a loud volume. The words that you had said out loud to Kevin just moments okay echoed in your head as you watched the two converse with lip movements, hoping that what they were talking about weren’t too bad considering you continuously caught their eyes glancing over to you.

Maybe it was for the best that you were friends at this point, because you were absolutely convinced that if you were to tell Changmin that you were still in love with him, then nothing would be the same afterwards.

UNDER THE SPOTLIGHT: CURTAIN CALL

chapter fifteen: the interview

a/n: updating before midnight since i’m heading out to bed early, but i hope you guys liked tonight’s double update :)))

summary: after the curtain closes, you know that you are no longer the character that plays the love interest of Ji Changmin’s character. all feelings that could possibly be felt towards him could be you being immersed into your own character. how much of it was actually true considering you couldn’t tell what was real and what was acting.

taglist: @sankyeom​ @viastro​ @mae-gi-writes​ @vibecheckvernon​ @escapewriter​ @catboyeatr​ @notmangojuice​ @anjcia​ @caibaby23​ @bunnylover0193​ @jaehyvnsvalentine​ @mochinyu​ @sunwoowuvbot​ @nanadreamies​ @haotheheckk​ @gretzelle17​  @moonlightgrlkev​ @parfaitz @elcie-chxn​ @sunzwoo​ @banhmi07​ @allyg-onz​ @changnuggie​ @reverienostalgia​ @juyeo-on​ @mimaisiomai​ @seventeeneration​ @etherealbyeol​ @softforqiankun​ @younggwingss​ @caralice​ @fabshua​ @privyjk​ @deobi-pabo​ @lovecn​ @glxwingstar​ @winterbeartaehyungbestboy​ @propollis​ @tr8sure​ (want to be added to the taglist for a specific member, story or the entire series? click here or send an ask/dm to be added!)

cannot tag: @jowonfg @dazzlinggirl25

masterlist | previous | next

[oloreaa]

2020 WRAP UP!

Okay here we are!! Hopefully I have not missed anyone because I truly dont mean to "snub" anyone, so here is a list of people who I feel very thankful for knowing this year, where I started out on tumblr, you have been truly bright presences and I love you very very much.

First off here are some people I don't know very well (or at all, but I admire their work) but I think have excellent vibes and I would love to get to know better/let them know that I appreciate them very very much:

@maxlordd @ollypopp @opheliaelysia @honeymandos @concussed-to-pieces @pikemoreno @huliabitch @mitchi-c @hansoulo @browneyes-djarin @cinewhore @max--phillips @din-damn-djarin @ezrasarm @dishonouringmycow @keeper0fthestars @dadolorian @dindjarindiaries @cobbvader @leo-moon @justrunamok @frannyzooey @miranhas-art @keethus-arts @hdlynn @zeldasayer @qveenbvtch @softpedropascal @marvel-and-mischief @datmando @stubbychaos @di-kut @themangolorian @vercopaanir @mcfreakin-bxtch

and so, so many more that I cannot think of right now (and tumblr doesnt let me tag more than 50 people)

And for those I know a bit better, under the cut❤:

@binggrae-banana-milk : You're the first person I really talked to on tumblr, and I cherish every single one of our interactions so much. The one time where we had watched Revenge of the Sith together and had a full on BLAST, it was incredibly fun and every time we just kind of scream at each other in dms it's so funny, how we both are freaking out simultaneously!! Also before you I never really keysmashed and now it's a part of my vocabulary lmao, ily!!!

@mndalorians : Cass. Oh, my dear Cass. Listen, you have brightened up my year by SO MUCH. I don't even want to know how many tens of thousands of words our chat consists of dhdhdh, from discovering cultural differences with each other, to yelling about the same stuff, to planning fics and telling each other of our ideas. We share a brain cell and we are literally the embodiment of Zwei Dumme, ein Gedanke. If I'm glad for anything in this year, it's starting to talk to you. You're literally one of my closest friends and I never hesitate in hitting you up, from absolute crack to heartbreak, you have the range, darling. I love you so much, you don't even know❤

@agirllovespancakes : Iris baby, oh my god. I don't even know where to start. The way how we just started talking without even KNOWING how we started talking is the funniest thing, EVER. This friendship came out of fucking NOWHERE and I am so glad for this. I can always count of you to stand by my side in so many things, and you're the other chaotic one in Tender Roasting, I adore you. The way we just go "kskssksks" and "dhddhdhdhd" at each other for literally hours because we are just losing it over each other is amazing. Ich hab dich so lieb!!!

@adikaofmandalore : Holy shit, Adi, the only thing I can think of now is that you literally deserve everything good and sweet in this world. You're one of the kindest souls on here, and I've never met anyone who is as sweet as you. I don't even know how you are real. Everytime we talk I'm literally smiling so bright, your enthusiasm for Ven is unparalleled and the way we just go bonkers at each other with ideas?? You're so supportive?? And your razor sharp wit and sarcasm is AMAZING to witness in action. Your writing is incredible and incredibly underrated and your stubbornness is admirable. You manage to power though Everything and that's so impressive. I love you very much!!!

@teaofpeach : lee babe DAMN I've never met anyone who is as funny as you. Like whenever we are talking it's just, it ends with me cackling and having the biggest smile on my face because you made me laugh so much. Such a bright presence on my dash and your TAGS are always sending me. So witty and smart and your vocabulary is unparalleled. Filthy hoe but I love you for it. You taught me so much tumblr lingo just by texting me and I always feel Educated afterwards dhdhdhd I love you so much and I trust you with every single one of my attempts at Spiciness

@mandolovian : DEV BABY my love from tomorrow🥺🥺 the time difference of HELL had never stopped us from being hoe af in the dms lmao, I vividly remember one of our first convos spiralling into thots SO FUCKING FAST that was the funniest shit ever. It's always fascinating to see what you do on the other side of the planet and I admire you so much. Like, you TRULY have big brain. How do you remember so much??? Like all these conditions and facts and like WOAH I just feel like a plankton next to you💀💀💀💀 ily SO MUCH

@goldafterglow : iris babe omg okay first of all you're the prettiest bitch I've ever seen, such a nice presence overall, you have GALAXY BRAIN, your writing style is so smooth and full of descriptions that are so amazing to read, like its. Amazing. You have unfortunately witnessed several times where I typed faster than my brain would proceed and I ended up saying the DUMBEST shit and you make fun of me because of it. Like bro I dont even mind bc any interaction with you is worth it🥺🥺🥺🥺

@chibi-liz05 : Liz oh my gosh I just love you so much. We don't talk as frequently anymore but you just have a place in my heart, you're incredibly supportive of everything and you're always there for me, no matter for what, offering thoughts and conversation about everything. You're such an absolute sweetheart and a sunshine person and I just adore your positive attitude and the way you talk, you're literally the sweetest. I love you very very much and consider this me giving you the biggest forehead kiss

@pisss-offf-ghostt : you're one of the first ones who read my fics when I first started out, and your continued support for everything I write is absolutely AMAZING. Like I enjoy every single one of our conversations and discussions, and I feel completely safe to hit you up for anything, no matter what. You're an incredibly kind and hardworking person and your heart is just so big, I cannot even comprehend it. It's amazing how much you care, how you interact with people on here, and I care for you SO MUCH. Love you🥺❤❤

@maybege : you're literally the KINDEST PERSON around?? And we are weirdly connected through cosmic forces whenever it has something to do about Lebkuchenherzen lmao, its uncanny. We have started out in fics in such a similar way it still makes me chuckle, like we experienced the same amount of cringe lmaooo, and now you're just here, blessing us every day with your amazing content, being the most organised person I know, and just an absolute SWEETHEART. everytime we write I have such a big smile on my face, and you BET we would have found each other irl if it wasnt for Corona🤡🤡

@kiwi-the-first : oh kiwi you're such a nice and thoughtful person, whenever I feel down youre the first one to send asks and nice messages and cute photos to make me smile and that is absolutely adorable of you🥺🥺 you're such a vocal and passionate character and its absolutely amazing to see you in action, how you go all caps screaming in the dms. You have a special part in my heart and its just so nice to be able to talk to you

@corvueros : MEG we are literally sharing one (1) brain cell and they are oscillating between "horny", "yelling at each other in all caps" and "oh my god that's such a good idea" 💀💀💀 whenever we talk I have the biggest smile on my face and I absolutely ADORE you, you're the absolute best. Such a sweet and thoughtful and excited person who can spew the filthiest thots in a manner of 0.1 seconds. You're such a bright person and I could not imagine not being able to talk to you bc you're so supportive and just the literal BEST, I LOVE YOU BITCH, I AM NEVER GONNA STOP LOVING YOU, BITCH

@blacksquadron-rougetwo : okay Hailee you have absolutely excellent vibes. Like you're always so bright and sunshiny and just so damn fucking gorgeous I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU. Filthy and tender at the same time, the QUEEN of soft horny fics like woah, and the way you talk is just so wonderful to witness. Your reaction pics are always on point and no matter what the topic is our convos always end up in all caps screaming at each other how unfairly hot the character of the week is lmao. You're such a sweet being and I am grateful for you!!

@over300books : holy shit Estela I have not known you well for a long time but you're such an incredibly supportive person with the funniest of commentary, everything you write makes me smile, ESPECIALLY all those comments in the docs!! I completely trust you with all the writings I manage to finish and everytime you help me with it you make me see my work with new eyes. You're just so damn amazing and sweet and super cheery I just love you so much. I am so grateful that we are friends and I am SO PROUD of you for finishing your degree!! Like girl WHOOOO!!!

@anxiety-riddled-mando : listen not only are you an absolutely fantastic writer, you're such an amazing person and someone who just screams "safe" at me. Like I completely trust you with my thoughts and even if we are not talking directly very often (our communication is more reblogging and telling each other in the tags how much we love them lmao) I just absolutely adore you and I just am so incredibly thankful that we stumbled across each other!!! You're such a bright presence on tumblr and every single one of your works is so incredibly amazing!!

Aaaand that's a wrap!! Thank you so much for making my year brighter, I love every single one of you so so so so so much. Happy new years!!

Love, Rea

[rosaliepostsstuff]

Chapter 5 - Of Halloween and Fred’s bluntness

series masterlist

tags:  @weasleysbees ; @gloryekaterina​ ; @thatguppienamedbae​ ; @sagittarius-flowerchild​​; @hufflepuff5972​ ; @pandaxnienke​ ;  @izzyyy-1

if you’d like to be added/removed, send a DM or an ask

warnings: swearing, sexual references, mentions of food and eating, alcohol consumption word count: 1749 a/n: This might’ve been the most fun to write chapter yet. Surprise in form of diving into George’s mind for a chapter! a/n 2: I planned out and published the chapter titles in advance on purpose, as a little teaser, so you could try to figure out what the plot could be and I cannot express enough how excited I am for the next one 

If you have any feedback, please let me know!

 —————⑤—————

 George woke up from blissful sleep to be met with a dull headache. He went to reach and open the curtain of his four-poster, rubbing his face in the process and winced immediately, reminding himself of previous day’s events.

He lay back on the pillow, his bottom lip throbbing slightly.

He brought his fingers to the swollen lip, touching it carefully, thinking back to how your fingers would brush over it delicately as you tended to him last evening. You were too good for him.

Fred’s heavy groan, signalling his wake up, distracted George from going down the same path again as last night when his thoughts went spiralling, going over and over the short conversation you had right afterwards, until he passed out and fell asleep.

He stretched in his bed and lazily got up, ready to start the day.

—————⑤—————

 They walked down the spiralled steps quickly, on their way to grab lunch, as it was way past time for breakfast. George slipped into the common room and saw you waiting at the table, writing something in your small notebook. You looked up soon enough and your eyes lit up when they met his, you slammed shut the notebook and slipped it into your bag.

“Hi there,” you waved to the three boys, walking up to them. Your gaze travelled to George’s lip and he noticed concern flood your eyes right away. You truly looked like an angel, smiling like that.

“How’s it feel?” you asked, twisting your face a bit and pointing at his mouth once you started walking. “Alright,” he answered, nodding, “it seems to be healing well, whatever you rubbed in it must’ve helped,” he smiled. “Ah see, magic,” you said, smugly, trying to appear mysterious. “Pure love,” Fred exclaimed, walking in the front, “and just the right amount of spit,” he added, turning to you for a moment, making the rest of you laugh.

 “Have you managed to finish your costumes?” You asked enthusiastically, before bringing a forkful into your mouth. “Yup,” George replied, clearly proud of himself. “We’re gonna look absolutely wicked, I’m so glad we agreed on this,”  Lee stated, and you smiled wider at the boys.

“Are you doing any make-up?” Fred asked. You bit your lip in thought, “Dunno… I mean, they’re cartoons, I don’t think they wear make-up..? But maybe…why?” “If you’re wearing make-up, and we’re not” Fred gestured between himself and George, “then we won’t be matching anymore,” he reasoned. “True. I could come over and we’d do it together, I could help you out. Might be fun. George..?” you asked, checking if he had any objections. “I’m cool,” he said, shrugging.

 George was lying in bed, in his outfit, waiting. Lee was putting on some finishing touches to his costume and Fred was still in his boxers and socks. Five minutes before the appointed time, they heard your signature knock on the door.

You walked in and upon seeing Fred’s ‘too-close-to-naked’ butt turned to you, twisted your face and gagged as a hello. “You’re early, sunshine,” Fred said cheekily, walking behind his bed and pulled back the curtain to get dressed behind it. George took a moment to notice how cute you looked in your costume. “On time, five minutes early,” you countered and went to sit down on George’s bed.

You gave him an appraising look, scanning him from head to toe and he felt a strong urge to pull his skirt down, making you chuckle. “Nice legs,” you winked. “I’d argue,” Fred declared, raising one of his own legs tantalizingly from behind the curtain.

“What’s up with your face?” Lee gave you a puzzled sort of look, only now turning to you properly.

Now that George thought about it, it did look a bit weird.

“I prepped my face and did my foundation, I’ll do the rest once I know what those two want me to do to their faces,” you said.

Yes, yes now that would explain it.

You opened your makeup bag and pulled some stuff George had no clue about. He’s never actually seen you do your makeup. At school, if you’re wearing any, he always saw you already in it. The only opportunity would be perhaps while you’re staying at the Burrow, but then you rarely bother wearing makeup.

Fred insisted on being your subject first. He wasn’t a very good one, though. Rather impatient and very mobile, restless, earning himself a few smacks on the shoulder from you.

Then it was George’s turn. He sat on the bed, facing you, and you shifted to sit as close as possible, to make your job easier. He felt your breath on his face as you scanned it carefully, then you got to work.

It came to his attention he rarely got to see your face from this perspective. Right in front of his eyes, and so close. All of your facial features, so familiar to him, he got to know even better.

“George…” you scolded him gently. “What?” he asked, genuinely confused. Were you talking about something and he wasn’t listening? No, he’d have noticed, he was staring at your lips. “Don’t move away! I can’t do it precisely when you lean back and I have to reach like that.” “I’m not leaning back,” George denied. “You’re leaning back, mate,” Fred pointed out and George realised he was, in fact, involuntarily leaning further back every time your face got closer.

He straightened his back once again and this time your face got pushed away like it was the same magnetic pole as his.

“You’re getting circles under your eyes,” he went to distract you, “you keep staying up lately.” You sighed softly, like you always do when he calls you out on something, but you know he’s right. “I don’t think I’ll have to anymore. Or not much longer, so I’ll get better with my sleep,” you explained. “And are you finally going to tell me what is it, that you were doing?” he asked accusingly. These past few weeks you kept brushing him off with ‘I’ll tell you soon enough’. “Better yet,” you smirked mischievously, “I might show you today if we leave before the sunset. It won’t be as impressive in the dark,” you stated, making the three boys’ curiosity peak.

You carefully put on some finishing touches on George’s lips, careful of the cut. “Voila!” you exclaimed, pulling away to admire your work.

Fred looked at his brother with a frown, then glanced at himself in a mirror. “You did a wonky job on my eyes!” he said, pointing his finger. “Uhh- you did a wonky job staying still,” you replied, grabbing all the necessary products to finish your makeup in front of a mirror. The boys found watching you do it surprisingly satisfying.

 “Oh, and Julie’s coming over later so I’ll be hanging out with her,” Fred noted as the four of you left their dorm. “Congratulations,” George said sarcastically and Fred gave him a look. “So what?” “So, you know what hanging out means. I need you out of the room,” Fred replied, accentuating the last part.

George groaned. He knew he’d be tired after going out and the prospect of not being able to get back to his room for Merlin knows how long was not welcome, but he didn’t argue.

“Oh come on, Merlin knows you should get laid. You’d relax a little,” Fred stated (Lee snorted in the background) and George glared at him, feeling betrayed. Fred looked at your surprised face, “and you too. Both of you, actually,” he added, waving his finger between George and you. (Lee crouched down to avoid collapsing from laughing so hard.)

You and George stared at him with your jaws dropped, mortified. “Oh, my sweet little beans, I didn’t say you have to get laid with each other!” Fred clasped his hands dramatically, “…necessarily,” he added with a sweet, mischievous smile.

George smacked his brother across the head. You started laughing, partly as a defensive reaction, partly because of Lee’s contagious laughter.

 —————⑤—————

 On your way to Hogsmeade, you went off-course a little. You led the boys towards one of the outer sides of the castle, near the clocktower courtyard and a path leading to the lake. Once you were out in the open, it was hard to miss – a huge, windowless, wall, and on it-

“Pink toad can suck a butt?” Lee read out loud. “What is that?!” Fred questioned in disbelief. You crossed your arms on your chest proudly, “Moss graffiti. Alicia and I did this,” you explained gazing once again at your masterpiece. George looked at the writing in amusement, “And you did all this-“ “In the cover of the night, yeah,” you replied before he could finish. “They’ll never catch me,” you whispered theatrically. “It was worth losing a little sleep. It’s so stupid it’s hilarious.”

 —————⑤—————

 By the time you stepped through the gate of Hogsmeade, George’s legs were pretty cold and he concluded that in this temperature a little wind between the legs doesn’t seem so great after all. Looking down at his pink dress, he silently thanked himself for giving in to you when you told him to wear tights because he would’ve felt really stupid right about now.

He looked to his left and could see your wide grin as you bit your bottom lip in excitement, looking around all the decorations. With a little help of magic, your hair was now the exact same shade as Bubbles’, tied in two neat pigtails. Dressed in a very similar dress as his, but blue, you clutched your stuffed octopus to your chest.

You made sure to take a group photo as a souvenir for the future and then commenced your Halloween celebrations. Trick or treating with lots of tricks and playing games, you got complimented on your group-coordinated outfits every now and then. Butterbeer was flowing, candy was consumed and memories were made.

That evening George was thankful as ever for your company in the common room while his twin occupied the dorm.

With most of your energy drained, legs falling out and bellies full of unhealthy snacks, you lay on the couch in front of the fire, talking nonsense.

As both of you grew more sleepy and the pauses in your conversation grew longer, he got lost in his thoughts. Perhaps his brother was right. Perhaps he should just get laid.

Perhaps, he should get over himself.

[kickingstonesandbones]

What I’ve gathered from the 3 Episodes bc some of y’all seem confused or asked

Disclaimer: For the past 10+ years, I've made it a hobby of mine to thoroughly analyze fictional characters and plots, so I feel pretty confident in predicting characters. There rarely are plot twists that can surprise me. BUT that is obviously no guarantee that I am absolutely perfect at it and never wrong! Nor do I believe that I am always correct, just quite confident in reading between the lines with characters.

There are some theories and posts I've seen (on different platforms) that, I think, are doing a good job of getting the general gist of stuff, but nonetheless, they all seem to be overlooking minor details that can turn around meanings (like the way Hoshino acts). Also, many of you seem to either be ignoring or unaware of the mindset of older JAPANESE generations (of Insanely Rich Families™).

So yeah, I am just going to put statements/theories I’ve seen and go through them one by one. They’ll be obviously marked, so just read the ones you’re interested in? (Also, I absolutely love a good discourse, so if you have something that would challenge my own theories, or would like to discuss something that I haven’t touched up on in this OR want me to elaborate on something, feel free to comment, reblog, or dm me with your opinion or question! Whatever you’re more comfortable with 😊)

#1 Haru killed the woman. (I see this as a kind of side-comment a lot?)

#2 Hoshino feels 'torn' about Haru. // He has turned cold/harsh towards Haru. // He dislikes Haru now. (Why it’s more complicated than that and also different than you think – explained more lengthily than I intended to, but still shorter than I could’ve lol)

#3 Why that entire first scene in Episode 3 exists.

#4 Because of that scene, WHAT really is Suzue to Daisuke now? (Just brain farts, pls kinda ignore this one haha I just wanted that one theory written down to get back to it)

#5 Older Japanese Generations In General... (aka Daisuke’s behavior in Ep 3 explained)

#6 Daisuke and Haru are NOT as close as some of you might want to believe right now.... Yet, at least. Yet.

Extra: I've seen a post where someone wondered whether Daisuke's and Haru's pasts are somehow connected. (I haven’t seen a single post about the 1998 Files and the Parents in this context, for some reason, and was wondering.)

I’ll put a Read More here because this is going to be long, very long.

#1 Haru killed the woman.

Absolutely not true. (I do see people mention that like “he killed her in self-defense” in case you're thinking "well duh, Sherlock.") Choice of words is ALWAYS important.

In Episode 2 when Haru and Daisuke talk on the stairs, Daisuke relays information about Haru. He says, "you misfired and seriously injured the target" when talking about the reason why Haru is not in First Division anymore.

Now, Daisuke does not seem the type to sugarcoat facts, which means he would not leave out "which resulted in their death" at the end, or just straight up say "you misfired and killed the target." Now, 'seriously injured' means that the woman's life WAS in grave danger and she was close to dying, but she DID NOT DIE in the end. She survived. Being shot in the chest does not mean inevitable death. In fact, you can survive injury to any organ (even the brain) EXCEPT for the stomach (bc inner walls are covered in a protein that protects the stomach from digesting itself -> injury that would let the acid leak from it -> acid will burn away other organs -> you die of multiple organ failure bc you cannot stitch up a stomach)

It hits her in the right side of her chest, maybe even right below the shoulder. It’s hard for me to tell the exact position from the frames. But anyway, it most likely pierced through her right lung, which in itself is already deadly enough. But yeah, she did not die. No one in the anime ever even alludes to it.

I think some people believe he actually accidentally killed the woman because Haru was so devastated by it IMMEDIATELY. No, it wasn’t because of that per se. He was absolutely devastated because he. LOVES. PEOPLE. (As shown by his entire conversation with the boy on the train before he gets off and his faith in the good in people in Ep 3.) And it just left him so shaken that he (seriously) injured an innocent person. (In his eyes innocent because someone who is about to shoot you out of anger/other strong emotions is not necessarily innocent to me but that is an entirely different discussion.) Anyway, I think he was most shocked about the fact that he had pulled the trigger on her out of reflex (because he instinctively knew she WAS going to shoot him DEAD in that moment and his body reacted before he could think about it – as his immediate reaction to shooting her shows).

See the absolute shock in his eyes? Like he only realized what he did right after shooting her. Reflex.

 #2 Hoshino feels 'torn' about Haru. // He has turned cold/harsh towards Haru. // He dislikes Haru now.

Yes, but no. I don't quite agree - and I don't agree mostly with the explanations given why (but also parts of the statements). And the reason for that is simply Hoshino's different facial expressions and exact choice of words in the interactions between them. To me, he seems like the type who would have an indifferent kind of face most of the time since I literally screenshotted every single scene with him (solely for this analysis lol), and he does have variation in expression, but only a little bit most of the time. His feelings are kinda subtle.

But before I explicitly explain what I mean, let me define something. 'Being torn' about something in general means that one cannot decide between two things, mostly two opposite (or at least quite different) things. And since some say Hoshino 'feels torn,' it would mean he would have two opposing feelings towards Haru, which I honestly don't think is true. It is just one very complex feeling that manifested over time.

Let me start by how Hoshino views Haru.

Haru is Hoshino's senior (senpai). Hoshino is Haru's junior (kohai). As we can see in the flashback in Ep 3 on the rooftop, Hoshino admires Haru. Like, this baby has complete and utter admiration in his eyes.

(He likely also thinks in that moment that Haru is insane, but that is besides the point right now.) He admires Haru for being able to do things fearlessly that he hesitates about. He looks like he’d like to be just like Haru as well. He looks up to him.

Then, the incident of Haru shooting the woman happens. Haru leaves the First Division and 'gets demoted' to the MCPTF. The two of them only speak to each other with higher level (distant relationship) honorifics. (I have a point about Hoshino calling Haru senpai in the first episode, but I will get to that.) Why they fell back into stranger honorifics will get more obvious in my second main point.

In the flashback we get in the third episode,

we get a Hoshino who stays on the side, also looking kind of dejected. I do not think that he is disappointed or angry at that moment. He just stares at his senpai in silence. Since he admires Haru so much, I guess he always wanted to be a cop JUST LIKE Haru, so he is... grieving? with Haru. I don't really know how to put it into words, but you could say he is HURTING by seeing his amicable, precious senpai BEATEN. Do not forget that Takei (Haru’s former superior) also puts a reassuring hand on Haru's shoulder. This interaction shows that they DO NOT blame him. (I am saying this bc I've seen people angry about what Hoshino says to Haru in Ep 3, saying "why would he hate him so much now and be so mean" - he doesn't. He absolutely. Does. Not. Hate. Him. He is frustrated and disappointed, but not hateful towards Haru.)

Having explained that, let me get to my first main point here:

I don't think I need to lay out Haru's work ethics for you guys because they're so clearly shown in the anime. So considering those work ethics of his, I truly believe that Haru ASKED to be removed from the First Division (which is why I put gets demoted in '   ' earlier) and be switched to one where he does not need a gun. Hence, he's now in the MCPTF. We do not SEE him getting demoted after that incident, which is why I firmly believe that that was Haru's decision and that he was persistent about it. When he packs up and leaves

he does not seem sour to HAVE to leave the division, but rather that he still seems to dwell over the reason WHY he's packing his stuff up. (You can see turmoil in his eyes. And that he’s lost in thoughts. He seems regretful, but also kind of set on something.) I mean the train scene really shows just HOW MUCH it still affects him

so I am pretty certain that he's thinking about exactly that and that he does not deserve to be a cop because of what he has done in that exact moment, and so on.

My second main point:

My first main point is exactly the reason why I think Hoshino acts the way he does towards Haru. It explains his expression that we see as Haru packs up his stuff.

He does not look angry.

He is hurt. And disappointed.

He feels let down.

In a sense, also betrayed. Like this isn’t reality.

The oh-so-great senpai, whom he has always looked up to all this time, who seemed so amazing, is pulling in his tail between his legs. Giving up. And running away. Just like that. Just because of ONE mistake. One mistake ALL of them probably would've made in that situation if they had been in his shoes. It made him realize that the senpai he had idolized all this time might not be as invincible as he had thought.

And. It. Hurts. Hoshino. To. No. End. (I mean, just zoom in on the pic and look at those eyes.)

I don't think he has ever let Haru know just how hurt he was just watching him leave and accepting the work he'd do in MCPTF (which is literally just desk work and filling in missing men force, as far as we’ve seen), which probably would mean that he let the hurt foster and foster inside of him until it slowly started to turn into coldness/curtness towards Haru. (Also could be that they fought before Haru left, which would also explain some remarks Hoshino makes.) He was hurt, and he somehow needed to show it.

Hoshino looked up to Haru, and was left feeling let down by his former partner. That stings. Deeply.

(I mean you can literally see the small changes in his eyes. His expressions slightly soften and harden. But the words tend to be more direct and harsh. And honestly, that is the result of disappointment and hurt speaking. But nevertheless, he still lets Haru and Kamei listen in (bottom right corner) even though he does look slightly annoyed; probably because he knows that he won’t be able to get rid of them, especially Haru. So the admiration is still there – probably had never left – which can give him moments where he “gives in”. Also, look at the bottom left corner.)

I mean Hoshino probably used to ALWAYS call Haru senpai for a longer period of time because he NEVER ever calls Haru senpai in the anime except for that one time when Haru startled him in the first episode. People in general react out of reflex and instinct whenever they're startled because reflexes and instincts are not a thing your brain CONSCIOUSLY processes. Those are subconscious responses.

If you don’t believe me, here is the other times Hoshino has called Haru – and when he did, it was literally only “Kato-san” (there aren’t a lot of other examples bc he literally only says Haru’s name like four times so far, but when he is NOT surprised, he addresses Haru like this):

(Completely taken aback by Haru just stealing the ear-piece, surprised face, afterwards not even aware that he did call Haru senpai, which he never does again (so far))

Which means Hoshino did not (more like COULD NOT) think about the way he'd call Haru, so that "senpai" slipped past his lips out of pure old habit. (Which goes to show that they used to be really close.) I'm not crying, you are.

.

I also have to bring up that first conversation on the train in Ep 3.

Kato: “That was rather fast.”

Hoshino: “Why are you here?” (he says Kato-san in Japanese, not “you”)

K: “I happened to be on the train. The perp is male. He said he failed the college entrance exam, so his age is somewhere around 19 or 20. I’m guessing he’s from somewhere around Hyogo.”

H: “How do you know-”

K: “I was sitting next to him, until moments ago.”

H: “Any other information?”

K: “No. I only started talking to him when I was close to getting off.”

H: “Understood. We at First Division will be handling this case. Kato-san, please take your leave.”

K: “It’s alright. I’m not a stranger in his light. Let me do it.”

H: “Do you have any authority to be on this crime scene?”

K: “What do you mean?”

H: “Why don’t you ask yourself that question?”

Look exactly at the changes in their eyes in each single picture here. Notice how Hoshino goes from surprised to somewhat indifferent to challenging? Someone might even argue that he looks angry, hostile, or that it’s resentment in his eyes, but considering that he is asking “Why don’t you ask yourself that question?” it is neither of those, because he is challenging Haru to defend himself. But Haru doesn’t answer, and they just stare each other down for a few seconds.

Just by the way Hoshino says it, and the way Haru reacts and how it immediately triggers the flashback/memory afterwards, I think this might actually be something Haru has said TO Hoshino (about himself) back then when Hoshino might've tried to change Haru's mind on leaving the First Division (that he does not deserve to be a cop, investigate crime scenes like that, etc). At least that interaction and just how Haru reacts to it seems to be implying that to me.

I refuse to believe Hoshino did not try at all to persuade and hold back Haru back then (I mean just that pic of Hoshino staring at Haru when he was packing his stuff and leaving the division literally SCREAMS INTO YOUR FACE), so I believe Haru told him at least SOMEWHAT how he feels about the whole thing, and I think Haru probably definitely said something along those lines. Like, he “did not deserve to investigate crime scenes LIKE THAT” (I mean the trauma and the train scene are literally the same hostage scenario with the culprit having a firearm (even if the kid's was a model gun and not real)) nor that he “deserved to be a cop any longer (because cops wouldn’t hurt the innocent).” He might’ve said something like that to Hoshino, which only frustrates and disappoints the latter further.

So in this complicated mess, what is it that Hoshino is actually feeling? That mixture of hurt, disappointment, betrayal and being let down has manifested itself into frustration. Hoshino is frustrated with Haru.

He’ll probably explode (in Haru’s face) at some point in the anime, too.

(I think Hoshino is an interesting character.)

#3 Why that entire first scene in Episode 3 exists

I was so confused about that scene in the beginning and had to check whether I WAS actually watching the third episode lol

The main thing I get from it is that it's entirely about INFORMATION. That is probably entirely because the Hong Kong episode got deleted and instead we'll get that in a drama CD? In Hong Kong, Haru probably would've learned that HEUSC is an AI butler, not a real one, and how to use him. (Among other things.) I mean, he somehow needs to first get to learn about HEUSC before he can use him for the whole train scenario later in the episode? And that hadn't been done yet, and probably would've happened in Hong Kong, but we aren't getting that in the anime so that information needed to be given another way. Which is probably why that first scene even exists. If anyone knows well about script writing for that and how that in general works, and knows more about this, please let me know, I am interested in learning lmao

#4 Because of that scene, WHAT really is Suzue to Daisuke now?

I do not want anyone to comment that it was confirmed that they are siblings or some shit. NOTHING has been confirmed. She still could be his wife. She also just could be his sister. Or a cousin. We will get to know eventually, but as of right now, NOTHING AT ALL HAS BEEN CONFIRMED. REMEMBER THAT, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU HATE IT.

I, in general, do not really care for ships. So idgaf if she is his sister or wife, but I DO have a theory of my own. And it is all because of how Daisuke's grandmother introduced herself.

DAISUKE'S grandmother. Not THEIRS. Not Daisuke's AND Suzue's grandmother. ONLY Daisuke's.

So this either means a harsh canon awakening for shippers, or it MIGHT mean something entirely else. (And I have 3 points to make here.)

(1) That she does not accept Suzue as a grandchild. Now, she did not look like she harbors resentment towards Suzue and wished she wasn't present at all or didn't exist. Buuuuut.... Suzue might be an illegitimate grandchild? Like, I know that sounds wild, but hear me out.

Children sometimes look more like one parent rather than the other (or a parent’s side). Sometimes, not always, but often enough. Animes in general do not make love interests or parents look almost identical. (But then again, you could never know with the devs of this one lmao) Soooo... It could be that they either look like their father, or their mother. And the respective parent had an affair, resulting in Suzue. And why I believe it would be Suzue, if one of them actually would be the illegitimate child? Because she is younger than Daisuke, and the way the grandmother treats HIM. (Honestly, if Daisuke would be the illegitimate child, 1. Grandma wouldn't claim him 2. Why would the other parent stick around for two more years to have another child with a cheater?) Which could be why - considering the mindset of older Japanese generations - why she only introduced herself as Daisuke's grandmother. And also why she is so immensely strict with him. In her eyes, he would be the only heir to the family. So she has to raise him to be a responsible man whom she can hand over the company to with peace of mind.

(2) Daisuke and Suzue are actually married. So get over it in this case. (And don't you DARE hate on a great character (again) because of that, otherwise I'll only refer to ya'll as salty hoes from them on.)

(3) We all (read: I) might be interpreting too much into it and it literally means nothing at all, and she just introduced herself that way because they were going to talk about Daisuke because of his new work place and since Daisuke and Haru are partners. For this case, I already have my wig, red nose, and make up ready 🤡

If I am being honest, (1) does not seem too likely to me – just something I randomly thought of. I actually think it’s just simply (3). But I am presenting it for the VERY small chance that (1) could actually be true lmao I bet I will cringe hard at it later

Highly likely: Since Haru would be more involved with Daisuke than Suzue because of work, it could be that she just found it more logical to introduce herself as his grandma, rather than theirs, so yeah… like I’ve said, these are just brain farts and I just wanted to have them written down lol

EDIT: I’ve been made aware that there seems to be an error in the translation. Since it is too much of a pain to add even more pics on mobile, I will just relay the information of the tweet. You can find the link to the tweet in the comments though. My Japanese isn’t that great, so I am dependent on the translation, so errors can occur, which makes me happy when people point something like this out to me. Basically, what Kikuko is actually saying in Japanese is that she’s the grandma, but she leaves out the pronouns - therefore not really saying whose grandma she is - so it could refer to both of them. Like I said, (1) doesn’t seem likely to me anyway lol

#5 Older Japanese Generations In General...

Are strict. Are very conservative. Especially insanely rich families like the Kambe's. Kikuko is NOT strict with him because she has a bad personality or because she is inherently mean or something. (Though she does seem to consider him a bit irresponsible because she calls him selfish)

(Also notice how she asks “so hasn’t he” instead of “he hasn’t been, has he?” which means she always expects him to cause trouble for everyone. This goes to show that Daisuke can never do enough or do good enough for her, which also explains his character a bit since his grandma took care of him since his parents died, but my point here is not to analyze his entire behavior.)

The Japanese have a culture of respect. Respect your elders. Unconditionally. And grandparents of insanely rich families like Daisuke's also demand respect, which means not talking back, or DISOBEYING THEIR ORDERS. Which brings me to the next point (for which I have written this one because y’all might be misinterpreting Daisuke’s behavior, which is exactly what I meant in the beginning with “ignoring or being unaware of the mindset of older Japanese generations”)...

#6 Daisuke and Haru are NOT as close as some of you might want to believe right now.... Yet, at least. Yet.

Sorry to burst the bubbles.

I see everyone going on about them now being partners, and Daisuke trusting his life with Haru’s judgement.

The second part, yes… kinda at least.

The first? Not so much.

Let me talk about the first half of the sentence first. Like the point before this clarifies – unconditional, non-questioning respect, and no disobedience. Which means that Daisuke would NOT go against the orders of his grandmother. By helping Haru with that case and listening to him, being coached, is literally just him obeying Kikuko. (He might also think that it would be better to just follow before Haru rats him out to his grandma for a second time.)

(I do bet though that that will soon change and be genuine!)

Now, with the part about trusting his life to Haru’s judgement… I am not sure whether I can properly explain this the way I mean it, so I just hope it will make sense. I think Daisuke kind of trusted Haru’s judgement on the boy, but also trusted his own judgement just a little more than that. I think he just made logical deductions from what he witnessed inside (reported that a person was down and that they were probably killed by the boy, then it turns out he is doing all that for his sister’s surgery, then it turns out that gun is not real (after causing a distraction) and nobody is actually injured, but then he gets his hand on a real gun (Hoshino’s) and points it their direction in a panic, and Daisuke notices Haru cannot shoot the boy, so he deducts that if the boy knows that his sister will be safe, he will calm down and the situation will be completely de-escalated, so he steps forward and states he will pay for it (he does not really care about spending money as we all know lol) and stands with confidence because he knows flinching or getting nervous – or even blinking – would make it look like a lie and he would definitely NOT want that). Does this make sense? Like, Daisuke is such a calm and collected person, I doubt he would just absolutely BLINDLY jump into something because of someone else’s judgement BEFORE making sure that their judgement is correct by his own observation of the situation, which would be why he stayed behind Haru and just observed until a certain point where he was absolutely certain that it would be safe to do so.

Though what that DOES mean though would be that Daisuke would probably trust Haru’s judgement without being too skeptical about it soon. (I feel like this might’ve been that part in the Episode 3 Hong Kong PV 3 where a person (looks A LOT like Daisuke, so I’ll just assume it was him) was cuffed and Haru comes to the rescue. It might’ve been that Haru judged that person who ended up doing this to Daisuke to be shady, but Daisuke went ahead anyway and got himself in trouble, which was why he ended up cuffed to something, or something of that sort that would show Daisuke Haru’s judgement can be trusted.) [Edit: I used this simply as a theorizing example of how this could be done in another way with a scene that actually DOES exist (though we won’t be seeing that in the anime anymore it is still canon material) instead of having to make something up, and Hong Kong was just a good example to further show my point.]

Extra: I've seen a post where someone wondered whether Daisuke's and Haru's pasts are somehow connected.

In short: Yes, I think so.

In long: (This theory might be a far reach hahah)

The first time we see Haru enter the office of his division, he is carrying files.

'Unsolved Case Files 1998,' it specifically reads. We know Daisuke's parents have died and he says “it was in Japan” when that one day turned his life around (though we do not have any indication of year yet). I assume they were killed (and that it wasn’t an accident at all) and it is the true reason why he came back to Japan (even though yeeeaaars later bc he needed to be trained)

and why he specifically asked to be in the MCPTF BECAUSE Haru is in it (I’ll explain why soon), instead of the First or Second Division - as the superintendent general had suggested for him to be put into, which resulted in Daisuke declining the offer.

But we don't know much about Haru's family. Actually, NOTHING AT ALL. Now, I think that his parents are dead as well, and that their deaths are connected to Daisuke's parents' deaths. The fact that Haru looks through cold cases (or well, at least old cases), which is only briefly shown by showing the files he carried in the first episode, most likely is meant to be some "foreshadowing/hidden info given” kind of thing. Haru is possibly investigating his parents' (or at least a loved one's) death. His parents' death (if none of his parents were police officers themselves and therefore influenced him in that way) is possibly also the reason Haru became a police officer in the first place (even though he tells Daisuke that it is simply to "nab criminals," maybe specifically the criminals who have to do with that?).

Now, I said before that Daisuke asked to be in the same Division as Haru, not the MCPTF (though he names the division, not Haru’s name but you'll know why I'm saying that by the end of this. I don’t think he has immense interest in the division itself but WHO is IN IT). In the second episode, we get to know that Daisuke has a lot of information about Haru. During the case of Isezaki, we get to know during the interrogation that Daisuke obtains information about a person by having HEUSC scan a person's documentation item

or simply by asking HEUSC. 

We never see him doing that with Haru though (I also seriously doubt Haru would hand him any kind of ID, especially in the beginning lol), which brings me to the point that Daisuke probably already had obtained all of Haru's information before he had arrived in Japan; or maybe at the latest after the Bridge incident though I am pretty certain it was BEFORE arriving in Japan, just that maybe he didn’t know the face? Or maybe he even knew the face but didn’t care. (He probably knew more than just about the trauma and why Haru left the First Division, but Haru did not let him speak any further in that scene. It is unclear though, whether Daisuke would've kept talking or that being all of the information he would have delivered in that moment.)

Because Daisuke might already know from the start that their pasts are connected, while Haru is oblivious to it.

So, Daisuke wants to solve the murder of his parents, and he might think that the key to solving it might be by being around someone/doing it with someone who is also connected to it.

(I have no clue whether I am still making sense bc I haven’t slept and worked on this all night, going through the episodes again and again and at this point I am just extremely tired lol)

Like, I know by the fact that we are only 3 Episodes in that this might sound like a far reach BUT I seriously would not be surprised by this. The thing about storytelling is that at one point you would need to introduce the Motive™ of the story. Since animes have very limited time to tell the story in only 20 minutes, at least ALMOST everything in an episode sooner or later needs to give us that information; and honestly? They could’ve started this anime in ANY other way, but they chose to start by Daisuke telling us about his parents. And I honestly just think that it would be odd if that is not of greater importance in the whole story, so I think that that might be the motive that should be revealed within the first half of the anime. The devs seem like the kind of people who would give small hints for something like this (Daisuke’s parents, the 1998 Files) throughout the entire show and then SLAP it into the face of the ones who are unsuspecting in the second half of the anime, ESPECIALLY since they are so secretive with everything lmao I love them.

I am going to bed now, I’m so fucking tired lol

August 3, 2020

[jidai]

jidai’s budget mutuals/friends appreciation

Hi, all! I’m quite late with this but I decided to put a small friends and mutual appreciations post in hopes of brightening up the end of this year a little bit. ❤️ If you were tagged, please make sure to check below for a small little message from me. However, I want to make it very clear that I truly appreciate all of my mutuals. You guys brighten up my dash and always reblog or create so many funny and creative posts. I just wanted to give a few special shout outs to those that have taken out the time to reach out and interacted with me past my ask box or we just see each other often.

The messages are ordered by your URL, so you might have to scroll for awhile before you see your messages. I’m so sorry lmao. 

Happy New Years, everyone!

@25th​​, Nonnie, the Young Genius. bro, remind me how old you are 🧍‍♀️ Like my brain CANNOT fathom the thought that you’re so skilled at SO many things and you’re not even in your twenties??? PLEASE SPARE THE TALENT. i will even accept crumbs. But I’m writing to tell you that you are such a wonderful presence on my dash. I always look forward to your gfx. They’re so SO good and you’re improving from one post to another. Like WOW. Now, you’re even starting an art blog, too? You’re so dedicated to the arts. I respect that a lot. Your hard work and commitment will bring you very far in life, whatever you decide to do. 

I love interacting with you. You’re such a big sweetheart and full of positivity and energy. I look forward to seeing more of your art and gfx ❤️

@biscuitwalk​, Dann, the AK Wiz. Dann, I know you’re not as active on here so idk when or if you will ever read this but I want to say that I miss you and your creations so, so much. I will say it a hundred times over and OVER but you inspire me so goddamn much. You have no fucking idea. Your works are absolutely gorgeous and unique. I can look at it once and I can instantly recognize your style (and your cute lil’ pufferfish <3). The way you utilize colors and implement various techniques, shapes, textures into your work. Goddamn, you’re so good. I always look to your work if I ever need inspiration and they help me brainstorm. God, I wish I could put it into words how much I adore your works.

We didn’t really talk for long but you seemed like such a kind and fun person to be around. I wish you the best in your future endeavors, wherever you are. Stay safe <3

@elriccs, Mirai, the Short King. 🧍‍♀️ ok look I know, I know I’m TERRIBLE at replying to you and I’m so fucking sorry. I absolutely love to talk to you but my dumbass cannot seem to reply in a timely manner LASELKSAL. That’s on me and I gotta do better. Anyways!!! Thank you SO fucking much for always leaving such kind messages on my work. I swear to god you’re one of my biggest hype man and I ALWAYS look forward to reading your tags. They’re so funny and it makes me all tingly and happy inside. Bro, like, you just radiate big fun vibes, bro. I really hope that I can get to know you better so I can just insult you until it’s too late to walk away </3

And of course, let me also remind you that I love your works so much. They way that you utilize your textures and those muted colors... OOMPH *chefs kiss* I will always love--

@lockhvrts​​, Em the Soulsborne GOD. hi em 🥺 it’s been awhile since I’ve had a proper conversation with you and I hope you’re doing okay! I miss you and our conversations where we do nothing but geek out and complain about the game industry lmao. if you manage to read this, I just wanted to let you know I miss your presence here. It’s been kinda dull not seeing your beautiful soulsborne gifs and your game rants. Let’s catch up soon. <3 stay safe and well!

@nathanprescutt, Benn, the Man. BENNNNNNNN.  I love you a lot bro. I know we haven’t had long conversations for some time and I hope I can change that! You were my first friend on this blog and I will always appreciate it. I remember us just geeking out over your works and how I would always send you a gfx request like once a week LMAO. The one thing that I have always appreciated about you was the fact that you’re very opinionated (if not, very vocal on your stance on things) and you hold your ground. There were a few time where you encouraged me to speak on topics that I think I shouldn’t and that stuck with me for quite awhile. I’m still a nervous rambling mess when it comes to debates but just know that the one time you supported me to voice my opinion--I hold it very dear to my heart. 

While I don’t spend much time together, I will always remember our animal crossing session. It was  so much fun just trashing and chilling on your island. Especially the bar :( that bar was fucking AMAZING. Maybe once FFXVI comes out, we can geek out hehe

Also, thank you so much for sending in photos of all your doggos, omg. I miss seeing them so much I hope they’re doing well. Stay hot, my German bro lol. Ich bin sehr dankbar, so eine tolle Freundin zu haben. ❤️❤️❤️

@noxdivina​, Lin the Big Dick Daddy Kind. The church is open for business bitch and I’m here to preach the GOSPEL.

Okay, jokes aside, I’m really happy that we became mutuals. You’ve always give off this like, mysterious cosmic vibe (????? huh). And your selfies just further proves that you are wtf. But you’re always so kind to those that you interact with. You’re an absolutely sweetheart and like I just want to give you a giant hug every time we interact. You’re such a soft human being. It’s so nice being around you. It’s like being tossed in the oven and baked at 250 degrees F for 25 minutes. And to boot you’re really talented, hello? God really said let there be a perfect human being and yeeted you into the universe. Thank you for always leaving such kind messages and words in my DM/askbox/works. I cherish them so much. I hope I can get to know you better in the future bc you’re rad, bro <3

anyways, updated drawing of u and maya:

i always assume you’re in a black fur parka 24/7 and maya is coatless neck down. also deck me with those jacked arms of yours thanks  🧍‍♀️

(edit: fuck i forgot to draw a PARTY HAT ON MAYA IM SORRY)

@rokuseis​, Sei, the Dumber.

i have nothing to say to you go away you banana hater ASELKSAEKL

BITCH, you doo bee getting on my nerve 24/7/365 🧍‍♀️ you were an unexpected but a very welcomed addition to my life. I can’t believe we really went 1 fuckin’ year without speaking to each other and then suddenly our friendship blew up because over a stupid BANANA. Now you gotta deal with me and my stupid, random, crude ass messages daily. I cannot. Clown to clown communication. But thank you so much bitch for being there for me and telling all of these funny ass stories and life experiences.

I know I don’t say it a lot because when we talk it’s literally just dogs barking at each other but I want to make it clear now: I love your humor and vibe so much. You never fail to make me laugh anytime I talk to you and I appreciate it so much. I can’t tell you how many times I felt better after talking to you. Even though sometimes your fucking jab hits hard and I end up actually inSULTED BY IT. But thank you for becoming my friend and I look forward to all of our stupid moments together. Looking forward to shitting in your sink when I finally fly to your home <3

@wolfamongthem, Anna, the Grinch. Please don’t hurt me for that title. I'm just saying if someone needs a live casting, it’ll be u. Anyways, did you know that I was so fucking intimidated by you for a long ass time, even before we became mutuals aseljas LMAO. I always see your gifs around on explore and they’re so gorgeous and then I look at your text posts and it’s u roasting people like there’s no tomorrow- 🧍‍♀️ bitch I was SCARED OF U KSKS. Now that I’ve talked to you a few times, you’re really funny like where do you find those reaction memes????? Like bro you and your shitposts is my morning cup of coffee. 

Anyways, in 2021 I expect a full-fledge review of all AAA games from you-- no more shit talking in the tags let it all out BITCH. Thank you for being such a great mutual! I look forward to see what weird shit you will send me the next time we talk lmao

@zenien​​, Selm, the I’m-gay-for-Lady-Maria-or-anything-that-moves-in-BB-Bitch™. ok bitch if I’m being honest I wrote yours last so my brain is FRIED. so everything i say from here is raw from the HEARt cause that’s all I got left. But anyhow, we savin’ the best for last! honestly, i didn’t expect you to barge into my life like that. i really didn’t. i was just gonna keep admiring with my 7 feet (2.1336 meters) pole. I’m glad you made the first move because look where we are wtf 🧍‍♀️ friends??? I wouldn’t believe you if you told me that in 2014 when I first followed you lmao. 

You’re such a kind soul. I know you may disagree but I’m determined to convince you. I can’t tell you how much I want to thank you for taking the time to talk to me during my rough bits. It’s like sitting on a wooden bench in a park during sunset and you sit next to me, just enjoying the vast sky. You radiate such peaceful energy. It’s very calming. Or you know, 2 seconds later i’m suddenly suplexed by your 40 tons of insults like what-- 

Thank you for everything, so far. Truly. It’s been so fun listening to you talk about your Bloodborne journey and see your reactions live. It’s been so fun to see you post your graphics and it continues to blow me away. It’s been so fun hearing about your life and the stories of your adulthood. Every words that we have exchanged, I hold dearly to my heart--more than you ever know. Love u bitch.

[fenrir-to-comte]

Arthur’s route vs Isaac’s route and how each one handled the “bite”  (My hot take)  Okay so spoilers under the cut

This is a rant?? I guess it could be called a rant. I am really just discussing the circumstances between Arthur first biting us as MC and Isaac first biting us.

Let me just start out by saying that I also 100% have a bias towards Arthur (as seen with my blog name) so if at any point I swing too hard into my bias feel free to call me out. 

SO! Let us begin. 

I am currently on my second play through of Isaac’s route and I have done Arthur’s route three times I believe at this point. 

Starting Arthur’s route is always a struggle for me because I absolutely hate hate hate (!) how he acts towards us. I get what Arthur was trying to “prove” by intimidating us, but explaining an action does NOT excuse it. And there is no excuse whatsoever for Arthur biting us like that, and I will stand by that for the test of time. I think though that Arthur owning up for his shitty actions is actually handled pretty well though. He truly sees where he messes up, and he earnestly apologizes to MC without expecting her to be okay with him. Once ARTHUR reaches out and owns up, the two are able to form a relationship based on a mutual respect where Arthur treats MC with respect. 

Isaac’s route just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth in terms of how they handle the bite. 

I will once again say ARTHUR WAS 100% IN THE WRONG FOR BITING MC AND IF YOU AS A PERSON CANNOT GET PAST HIS ACTIONS (WHICH IS 100% YOUR RIGHT) THEN THAT IS A OKAY!!!

But I think Isaac was just as irresponsible (if not more so) for biting MC and should 100% be held to the same standard. The thing is that Isaac doesn’t really get held to the same standard?? Which bothers me to no end to the point where I can’t enjoy him as much as I could. 

So

We literally start Isaac’s route with him flat out attacking us because his thirst is just too much for him to control, and his thirst is worse than the other suitors. That is all fine and well, and Isaac clearly feels bad and works at apologizing. What gets me though is when Isaac actually BITES MC. 

1. Isaac at this point pretty much knows how he feels about MC.

2. He also knows that love causes bloodlust to increase. 

3. He also knows that he needs to eat and drink 5 times during each day (normal circumstances holding) to handle his bloodlust.

4. The day that he attacks MC he ate and drank NOTHING. NOT A DROP. 

This combination is just flat out irresponsible. There is no excusing the recklessness on his part. Not only this but once Isaac bites MC, he pretty much drains her dry. MC even said that his room looked like a MURDER SCENE. Isaac had NO control over the situation even though he HAD THE MEANS TO DO SO. Not only that. Isaac literally leaves MC in the pool of her blood ( At least Arthur had the decency to take her to her room after he was the complete and inexcusable attacker ). MC then wakes up not well (!!!) because she pretty much almost died (!!!!!) and Isaac straight up doesn’t even consider her circumstances. HE wants to have this deep conversation explaining/excusing his actions (!!!) and MC physically CAN’T handle it at the moment. Isaac then sees this as rejection (WTF??) and MAKES MC WALK TO HER ROOM ON HER OWN AFTER HE COULD NOT HANDLE HIS BLOODLUST AND ATTACKED HER. MC even makes a point to say how she doesn’t know how she made it to her room because she was just SO weak. Not only this but Isaac completely ignores MC trying to reach out to him after everything like he somehow is the one that got hurt worst??? After this MC reaches out to him about the ball, they kinda discuss things at the ball, but MC once again kinda takes the blame for the situation?? UM NO! MC HAD TO BE THE ONE TO REACH OUT TO ISAAC WHEN HE 100% HAD TO BE THE ONE TO OWN UP TO HIS GROSS ACTIONS. The route kinda chalks it up to both MC and Isaac being at fault where that is not the case in the slightest. 

-Sidenote: MC never really vocalizes her consent for Isaac biting her even though she kinda weirdly does in her head after Isaac already bit her-

Isaac AND Arthur are the only ones to blame for their irresponsible actions. Both hurt MC and crossed a line (A huge one at that), and both need to be held accountable. 

I feel like Isaac was not held to the standard he should of been. Not in the slightest. Unfortunately, this kinda (completely) sours my liking for Isaac :////

(Honestly, I wish both routes didn’t have to have the bite like that. It really doesn’t sit well)

OKAY! Rant over for those that stuck around til the end!!! My DMs are open for anyone if y’all wanna discuss stuff with me! I live for these kinda talks! 

[ajokeformur-ray]

Hello love,

You say that anyone can vent to you? Somehow you seem like someone who might understand me or at least wouldn't judge me, so I'll try to put my thoughts into words - a great challenge for me. It's not like I'm openly judged by others, at least not anymore, but it's like I feel that they have something to say. Sometimes I have this heavy feeling which I cannot really describe - it's like I can't breath right, like there is a weight constricting my air lungs. After a lot of time, I've found some type of escape for it; music. I love music with my whole heart and when I put it on it's like I remember how to breathe again. But still, I'm so tired of this feeling. I don't want to think the whole time, to feel everything so much, to feel this alone. I have very little family and no friends, never really had. I totally understand why I have no friends, it's probably better this way. I have way too much problems for anyone to bear. I'm totally broken. For example, I have a very low self-esteem, a sun allergy and I'm totally poor and I suffer from my autism, depression and social anxiety and, because that isn't enough, I have a very bright and active mind with thoughts and opinions that very little people do understad, let alone share, and I'm always wearing black. As you can see, I'm a very complex and paradox person. I would love to talk with someone for hours, to share my thoughts, fears, dreams and anything in-between, but I'm nearly unable to talk with someone face to face (the things I have in mind and want to share are just not coming out of my mouth the right way I want them to and it always makes me look like a complete idiot). I'm so nervous around others that it's hard for me to concentrate and I'm constantly stumbling while I walk, which annoys me greatly - there's not even an ounce of elegance in me. I have absolutely no idea how to interact with people, just the thought of trying to decently introduce myself scares me endlessly. My self esteem is so low that I mostly think that I'm just not worthy of love, that there is nothing lovable about me - only problems - that the effort that is needed to build a friendship or even more isn't worth the effort. I can never do something with anyone, because I never have money for these kind of activities. I've lost all of my (fake) friends and any possible friend nowdays in the summer when everyone goes out and experiences something while I have to stay inside the whole time. I have such a big heart and a very kind soul, open and accepting for anything and anyone (no matter who they are, where they come from, what they have done, what they believe in and anything else you can think of), but nobody knows that because I'm hardly speaking around others. I'm normally a very potitive human, who sees beauty and goodness in everyone. I especially love animals! If I could, I would adopt them all and show them the love and passion they deserve. I'm also neither intelligent, beautiful or funny, just boring, lazy and complicated with a darkness that most people cannot accept. But please don't understand me wrong! Even though I have all this negative traits, I wouldn't even think about changing myself for anyone, NEVER. I know that I'm not a person people enjoy or like to be around, but I know that I probably have a heart more kind and open than any of theirs. I just fear that I'll always be alone. That there will never be someone with whom I can share my thoughts, with whom I can listen to the calming rain, with whom I can play my favourite music and movies, who is there to hug and cuddle with me, who understands the gibberish that comes out of my mouth, someone who understands how hard it can be for me to maintain contact, who's not annoyed when I didn't get a joke or social que, who somehow breaks my walls down and accepts and loves me for who I am- the darkness and the light.

I have so, so, so, SO much more to say and vent about, but I think this message is long enough with enough self-centered thoughts and I really don't want to bother or burden you with even more! Each of my named problems I could describe even more detailed and I'm sure I have forgotten half the things I wanted to write when I started this message and more things I haven't thought about.

Oh, my love.💜

I read your vent over multiple times and my heart is bleeding for you. I don’t know if you’re looking for a response, but even so I’m going to respond to everything one paragraph at a time and it’s up to you if you want to read it or not ksksksk. I took the liberty of breaking it all up into chunks so that I could respond to everything properly. I hope that that’s okay!💙

Anyone can vent to me, yes! Even if I all I can do is to listen to the person and to validate them and their feelings, that’s better than people sitting with unexpressed feelings. I’m always here for people as much as I’m able to be; Chuckletown’s important to me asdfghjkl.🥺💗

Also, if you would like for this post to be deleted then please let me know and it’ll be done without question.

----

It's not like I'm openly judged by others, at least not anymore, but it's like I feel that they have something to say. Sometimes I have this heavy feeling which I cannot really describe - it's like I can't breath right, like there is a weight constricting my air lungs. After a lot of time, I've found some type of escape for it; music. I love music with my whole heart and when I put it on it's like I remember how to breathe again. But still, I'm so tired of this feeling. I don't want to think the whole time, to feel everything so much, to feel this alone. I have very little family and no friends, never really had. I totally understand why I have no friends, it's probably better this way. I have way too much problems for anyone to bear. I'm totally broken.

I’m so proud of you, not only for putting your thoughts into words, but also for venting to me! Anonymous or not, it’s incredibly brave to open up, especially to the degree that you have. I hope that something here offers you some kind of comfort, darling!💗 I’m so sorry that sometimes you have an indescribable weight in your chest sometimes; I can definitely relate to and empathise with you. It’s a sickly feeling and I’ve never really figured out a way for me to battle it, when I experience it. I usually just endure it, and you’ve done amazingly to find something which helps you to breathe again! Music is a wonderful way to cope with it, because it says that which words can’t and it’s definitely one of the healthiest ways to deal with this feeling, which I know is a common symptom of anxiety and/or depression. I’m so sorry that you’ve suffered so deeply for so long, darling.😔 No one deserves to feel this way. Take it all even a day at a time, my love, and keep your favourite songs close by. I can relate to how you feel, and my heart’s bleeding for you. Everything you’re feeling is valid and I hope that in time you find the inner peace and closure which you deserve. I’m so sorry that you feel so alone, darling; everyone deserves to have connections, friends and family who care about them. If you’re a hug person, I would like to send you many digital hugs!🤗🤗🤗 If you’re not a hug person, then I would like to send you respectable head nods or any other form of acceptable affection omg nonnie you don’t deserve any of this.😭 

Oh, honey. You are worthy of and deserving of friends and of the things which you most want in your life and I dearly hope that those things and people find you soon. A problem shared is a problem halved and I’m sending you so much love and strength. I want you to know that I am always here for you; you can stay anonymous and chat to me like this, or you can DM me or I can give you my Discord if you would rather. I am here for you, if you would like for me to be. I’m worried about you and I’m thinking of you and I’m so sorry that it took me just under a day to respond to this.😔I wanted to give you proper fleshed out responses to every paragraph.💝

For example, I have a very low self-esteem, a sun allergy and I'm totally poor and I suffer from my autism, depression and social anxiety and, because that isn't enough, I have a very bright and active mind with thoughts and opinions that very little people do understad, let alone share, and I'm always wearing black. As you can see, I'm a very complex and paradox person. I would love to talk with someone for hours, to share my thoughts, fears, dreams and anything in-between, but I'm nearly unable to talk with someone face to face (the things I have in mind and want to share are just not coming out of my mouth the right way I want them to and it always makes me look like a complete idiot). I'm so nervous around others that it's hard for me to concentrate and I'm constantly stumbling while I walk, which annoys me greatly - there's not even an ounce of elegance in me. I have absolutely no idea how to interact with people, just the thought of trying to decently introduce myself scares me endlessly.

I’m so sorry that you have such low self-esteem. I can definitely relate to and empathise with you; I’ve never been especially confident or fond of myself, so I understand. You suffer so deeply and you are incredibly strong to be able to get through everything which you think, feel and experience. My heart is *bleeding* for you but I’m also very proud of you. You are definitely a complex person and I’m sure that you have many interesting thoughts and opinions (which I would love to hear if you’re comfortable with sharing them!). You deserve to be heard and to have all of those long and deep conversations and I’m so sorry that talking face-to-face makes it difficult to articulate yourself.😔 I experience the same trouble in face-to-face interactions and I truly sound like an idiot sometimes when I try to speak. I’m not, and my thoughts are usually quite long-winded, but it just doesn’t translate well between my brain and my mouth. I understand, darling, and I’m so sorry that you can’t necessarily have verbal conversations. Being who you are will always be enough for the right people; you are a thousand times enough. I’m so sorry that you have so many fears, angel. You deserve so much more than all of this.💛

My self esteem is so low that I mostly think that I'm just not worthy of love, that there is nothing lovable about me - only problems - that the effort that is needed to build a friendship or even more isn't worth the effort. I can never do something with anyone, because I never have money for these kind of activities. I've lost all of my (fake) friends and any possible friend nowdays in the summer when everyone goes out and experiences something while I have to stay inside the whole time. I have such a big heart and a very kind soul, open and accepting for anything and anyone (no matter who they are, where they come from, what they have done, what they believe in and anything else you can think of), but nobody knows that because I'm hardly speaking around others. I'm normally a very potitive human, who sees beauty and goodness in everyone. I especially love animals! If I could, I would adopt them all and show them the love and passion they deserve.

Just as you are, you are worthy and deserving of love. There is nothing you could ever say or do which would change that face. You exist and that means that you are worthy and I’m so sorry that your self-esteem is so low.😔 You are not your problems; they do not define you and you deserve so much more than your mind is telling you, though of course you are valid in every way!💖 I’m so sorry that you’re unable to do activities with friends or others in the summer; I have no irl friends either so I definitely understand how isolating and/or disheartening this experience can be. You’re such a beautiful soul and you deserve everything you want! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise (including you, though I know it’s easier said than believed!) 💚 You truly are incredible and I’m so, so proud of you. I’m in awe of your strength and I’m sending lots of love your way! As I said, darling, if you would like to be friends then please know that you are more than welcome to reach out to me (or I can reach out to you if you would prefer - just let me know somehow). You are always enough, and you matter, angel. You matter and you are worthy of friendship and of love.

I'm also neither intelligent, beautiful or funny, just boring, lazy and complicated with a darkness that most people cannot accept. But please don't understand me wrong! Even though I have all this negative traits, I wouldn't even think about changing myself for anyone, NEVER. I know that I'm not a person people enjoy or like to be around, but I know that I probably have a heart more kind and open than any of theirs. I just fear that I'll always be alone. That there will never be someone with whom I can share my thoughts, with whom I can listen to the calming rain, with whom I can play my favourite music and movies, who is there to hug and cuddle with me, who understands the gibberish that comes out of my mouth, someone who understands how hard it can be for me to maintain contact, who's not annoyed when I didn't get a joke or social que, who somehow breaks my walls down and accepts and loves me for who I am- the darkness and the light.

Oh, darling.😔 Honey, you are all of those good things and I’m so sorry that you believe the opposite, though once again you are so valid and I completely understand. My heart’s breaking for you.😔 YES WE STAN!!!! I’m so proud of you for not compromising upon yourself or who you are for anyone. That is wisdom and strength and bravery - you are more than you know!🥰 Nonnie, I’m so so proud of you!!!! I’m so sorry that you fear you’ll always be alone. Life is bigger, madder and stranger than you know and I just know that this isn’t it for you. There’s more out there for you and your time will come, I absolutely promise! Already, by venting to me, you have taken a massive first step and I can only hope that bigger and better finds you soon! I sincerely hope that you find this person to do all of these wonderful things with you! Very young, I had to learn to be my own best friend so I never really experience loneliness; I’ve learned to be happy with being alone in my room all the time, and it was never ideal but it was something I had to learn. I’ve been a solitary one for a long time, but I know that for other people it isn’t necessarily possible to learn to be content with one’s own company, and I dearly hope that you can find this person soon! You deserve everything you need and want and you are worthy of and deserving of love and friendship!💙💙💙💙 The darkness and the light can and do co-exist and I am truly so proud of you for being so tender-hearted and wise and I want you to know that you are extremely valid and always enough.

I have so, so, so, SO much more to say and vent about, but I think this message is long enough with enough self-centered thoughts and I really don't want to bother or burden you with even more! Each of my named problems I could describe even more detailed and I'm sure I have forgotten half the things I wanted to write when I started this message and more things I haven't thought about.

My love, you can absolutely vent to me some more if you would like to! You deserve a space in which to do so and I’ll listen to you if you would like to talk to me - you are not a bother or a burden and I really... I won’t say I enjoyed answering this ask, because that’s the wrong sentiment, but I certainly was willing to put in the effort. I care about you, nonnie, and I want you to know that I’m here for you if you would like for me to be!🧡 You deserve so much more than all of this and my heart is breaking for you. I’m so, so proud of you for reaching out to me, and I’m sending you love, strength and everything good in the world - you deserve it all and more!😊💛

[dontasktheradiodemon]

DM chat log Sept 9

Alastor uses his newfound freedom on the blog to check up on @hiss-and-vinegar, and they continue to break new records on the enemies-to-friends speedrun, look at them go, amazing.

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 You've certainly had an interesting couple of days, my friend.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 AH, ALASTOR.

🐍 YES, I HAVE. I FEEL A MIGRAINE CREEP UP EVERY FEW HOURS!

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 I can't say I'm surprised! He's a walking headache. And that's just when he hasn't been invited to stick his nonexistent nose into someone's business by an overidealistic busybody.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 I'VE DECIDED TO STAY WITH VALERA FOR A FEW DAYS, THE LAST PLACE I WANT TO BE IS IN THAT BOILER ROOM.

🐍 CHARLOTTE CERTAINLY DID NOT HELP MATTERS, BUT HERE WE ARE.

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 Here we are! And there you are. No Vox News paparazzi in her neck of the woods, I suppose.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 NO, BUT I CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL LIKE A, COWARD

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 And he's probably counting on that. But even I don't deal with him! I ignore the hell out of him! If you weren't already doing so yourself, I would have recommended it.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 YOU DID NOT IGNORE HIM THE OTHER DAY.

🐍 ALTHOUGH, I REALLY WASN'T EXPECTING THAT!

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 It was not him that I was paying attention to.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 CHARLOTTE, I KNOW.

🐍 I STILL HAD NOT EXPECTED YOU TO SAY ANYTHING.

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 What's a radio good for if not commenting on the news? And I hadn't noticed anyone else pointing out that her entire claim was...

🎶 ... appallingly stupid.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 IT WAS

🐍 I WAS SURPRISED THAT SHE WOULD STOOP TO SOMETHING AS LOW AS TAKING CREDIT FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

🐍 IF SHE WANTS TO BE AN INNOVATOR, STEALING CREDIT IS NOT GOING TO GET HER ANYWHERE!

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 It took me quite by surprise too! Despite her naïveté, apparently her veneer of wholesomeness doesn't go as deep as I expected. Under different circumstances, this would have been the exact sort of fiasco I'd have hoped for out of her little project.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 MM, YES. I IMAGINE SO

🐍 UGH, TEXT LIKE THIS IS SO IMPERSONAL.

🐍 I WANTED TO SAY,.

🐍 THANK YOU... OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 Oh!

🎶 You're welcome.

🎶 No, words scrolling along like movie credits aren't terribly personal, are they.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 I IMAGINE WE OUGHT TO BE LYING FRONT FIRST ON OUR RESPECTIVE BEDS, KICKING OUR LEGS OR TAILS AS WE SEND EACH OTHER TEXTS!!!

🐍 BUT I AM NOT A TEENAGER

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 Then I'll pretend I'm sitting upright like the solemn adult we all know I am!

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 HA!

🐍 YOU WOULD KICK YOUR LEGS IN A FRILLY MANNER

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 I'd prefer to call it "energetic"! No reason we should both be dignified, I'll let you cover that for us both.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 NYA HA HA!!! YOU SHOULD! I AM MUCH BETTER AT IT THAN YOU ARE!

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 Always a jester, never a king. But! Who am I if I'm not entertaining?

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 And speaking of entertaining!

🎶 I've spent all day wondering whether you're planning any response for this insult.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 ... SOMETHING STRATEGIC, YOU MEAN?

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 If you have non-strategic ideas, I'm all ears! But yes, that was what I was most curious about.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 I DO NOT. HAVE ANY PLANS.

🐍 AT THIS POINT IN TIME.

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 Really!

🎶 Very well then!

🎶 Is it too soon to ask to be kept in the loop if that changes?

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 I SUPPOSE NOT, THOUGH I FEEL RATHER AT A DISADVANTAGE. SHOULD I ATTEMPT ANY ATTACKS ON HIM, HE WILL TROUNCE ME. IT IS SHAMEFUL TO ADMIT THAT, BUT. I SHOULD NOT BE AS RECKLESS AS BEFORE.

🐍 ANOTHER REASON FOR THIS VACATION, I SWEAR BEING IN THE BASEMENT FOR SO LONG HAS CLIPPED MY WINGS.

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 Well, I didn't want to be the one to say it! But there are very few people he can't trounce.

🎶 Believe you me, I would be absolutely delighted to see you crush him into so much silicon dust!

🎶 But not before that's the guaranteed outcome.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 SO THEN WHAT IS IT YOU WANT OUT OF THIS CONVERSATION? A LACK OF DIRECTNESS CAN BE GREATLY FRUSTRATING, ALASTOR

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 Terribly sorry, force of habit.

🎶 I wanted to know if you were going to try anyway. If you were, I was going to persuade you to defer that attack.

🎶 If I couldn't dissuade you, I was going to invite myself along.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 AH. WELL, DO NOT WORRY, APPARENTLY MY HELL'S ALASTOR ALSO HOPED TO DISSUADE ME SIMILARLY. ALTHOUGH I DIDN'T BELIEVE HIM AT ALL, HE'S ALWAYS WANTING ME TO FAIL.

🐍 I WOULD HAVE ASSUMED YOU WERE TRYING TO GET ME TO ATTACK VOX TOO HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR HIS MESSAGES...

🐍 A LETTER WOULD HAVE PULLED OUT YOUR HONESTY, ALASTOR. A LITTLE BLOODLETTING.

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 Well, aren't myself and I lucky? Surround sound sound advice!

🎶 I didn't want to state my position without knowing yours! You can hardly blame me for that.

🎶 Although if you'd like a letter and a little blood, I'm happy to provide either.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 I REALLY AM SO PREDICTABLE, THAT THE RADIO DEERMEN MUST IMMEDIATELY TRY TO RESTRAIN ME FROM MY JUSTIFIABLE IRE.

🐍 AND NOW I AM BEING MONITORED, AND ALL OF HELL WAS REMINDED OF THAT DAY I FELL FROM BEING AN OVERLORD.

🐍 I WANT BLOOD, YES. BUT NOT YOURS. AND SHOULD I DWELL ON THIS MUCH LONGER, I MAY BE LIKELY TO WANT MY OWN!!!

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 Come now, it's not so bad as all that. I wouldn't call you predictable, I'd

You'd like directness?

🎶 The plain truth of the matter is there are very few things that frighten me, and he's one of them.

🎶 And I'm sure my other me feels the same, not that you can ever tell him I told you so.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 WHAT CAN YOU SWEAR ON SO THAT I KNOW THIS IS NOT A BIT?

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 I swear on my mother's grave, he terrifies me.

🎶 Will that do? I know it's cliche, but.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 IT WILL DO.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 I DO NOT REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY, ALASTOR. I DID NOT EXPECT YOU TO SAY THIS TO ME, TO TRUST ME LIKE THIS.

🐍 I AM ABLE TO SEE HOW I'VE CHANGED, JUST FROM THE FEELING THAT SWAM THROUGH MY VEINS UPON READING IT.

🐍 IT IS HARD. FOR ME TO ADMIT MY WEAKNESS. IT IS HARD FOR ME TO GIVE UP.

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 Not a feeling of nausea, I hope.

🎶 Ha! You and me both. If you think you've changed, imagine something as preposterous as the Radio Demon admitting to a fear.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 BUT I AM... ALSO AFRAID. AFRAID OF BEING ERASED, BUT ALSO OF BEING BURIED AND FORGOTTEN.

🐍 AND AFRAID OF NOT BEING HERE WHEN I AM NEEDED. EVERYONE HAS THEIR EXPECTATIONS OF ME, AND NOW, I AM AFRAID TO ACT ON THEM.

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 I doubt anyone has expectations of me. Not ones I have any interest in living up to, anyway.

🎶 But being forgotten?

🎶 I didn't go into radio because I wanted to maintain a low profile.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 NO, OF COURSE NOT

🐍 I DO NOT WANT TO MAINTAIN A LOW PROFILE EITHER!!! I JUST DO NOT HAVE ANY IDEAS OF HOW TO DEAL WITH VOX

🐍 I AM FRUSTRATED BY MY LACK OF VISION

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 I'm a decent shot with a hunting rifle!

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 But all joking aside—I don't know about your universe, but in mine it took him over fifty years to climb to where he is now. He's powerful, he's connected, and he's entrenched.

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 I fully believe that you can take him down. But I'm not expecting it to happen in a month.

10/01/2020

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 HE TOOK THE TERRITORY I LOST WHEN I WAS REMOVED FROM POWER, AND IT DIDN'T HAPPEN OVERNIGHT, BUT IT WAS CERTAINLY IMPRESSIVE. I DID NOT HAVE THE WHEREWITHAL TO TAKE IT BACK.

🐍 BUT NO, I CANNOT AFFORD TO RUSH IN.

🐍 DOING SO WOULD SET ME BACK, AND, I HAVE VALERA TO THINK ABOUT.

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 I watched the same thing happen over here. It didn't all go to him, but enough did. Factories, warehouses full of raw materials, et cetera. He's only where he is now because he was lucky enough to be in the right place when a better overlord took a tumble.

🎶 And I doubt that even he's too self centered to know that.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 MM. INDEED.

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 So keep that in mind. He might be mocking you now, but unless he's too self-absorbed to see past his own glassy face, he remembers what you were—and he's worried that if he doesn't keep you down, you might be again.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 MAKES SENSE. AGREEABLE, ALASTOR.

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 Is it just me, or are you getting less talkative? So sorry, I do have a tendency to ramble on, don't I!

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 NO, IT ISN'T YOU.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR SPEAKING TO ME ON THIS MATTER. AS I SAID, THIS METHOD FEELS... IMPERSONAL. THERE IS A CERTAIN LACK OF INTEGRITY, OR, SOMETHING

🐍 IT FEELS BLAND. MAYBE I SHOULD...

🐍 Write like this for a little while.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 I do not know where I'd be right now, or how I would be handling this entire ordeal without Valera and your company.

🐍 Thank you, my dear friend.

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 You're quite welcome, my snake friend!

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 It's a good thing you've got Valera around now! Plenty of fish in the sea and all that, but my, few as remarkable as that one.

🎶 But any time Valera isn't available, you've also got me now.

hiss-and-vinegar

🐍 I'll keep that in mind, truly.

🐍 Well I grow eager to work on my projects, so I will let you go for now, Alastor. THERE'S MUCH TO BE DONE AND I WANT TO TEST OUT MY LAPTOP COMPUTER

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 I'll be looking forward to seeing what comes out of your workshop next!

[positivecorrelation]

“I hope that it's enough Is it enough?”

“Before you came around I was lost and out of place You're the only love I found and I'm hoping that you'll stay”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Colson & Marshall decide to be in relationship, it doesn't go smooth at first. Mostly cause they've this sense of betrayal. Both believe that the other is taking advantage of the other. Yet they want to stay in this relationship.

They're always tip toeing around each other. There are times when Colson tries to start a conversation and says something silly and Em always give him a smile but the moment Colson looks away, that smile drops and frown appears, and Em wonders, does he want to bring my guards down? Should I be cautious about smiling around him? Colson on the other hand goes through similar doubts like, did he really want to smile? Does he really hear what I say?

It's not easy for them to trust anyone but deep inside they still want to trust each other. It's a slow process.

But from where did this sense betrayal came from?

In Marshall's case, those sneak disses, along with the line "when your idols become your rivals" have left an impact on his mind. He had seen Colson's interviews and songs before the beef but never imagined Colson to have such a reaction. In fact, he never wanted 'MGK' to solely face the whole wrath. He truly wanted others to come out of their hiding places.

Colson felt betrayed because he really wanted to be on Shade45 and possibly become a member of shady records and leave Diddy's hell. When that didn't happen and constant tweets and DMs failed, he tried other methods and when those worked, he made a last effort to talk to the guy but that didn't go so well as he had planned. Nevertheless, others don't need to know or believe but he still respects Marshall.

The beef might be over but this sense of betrayal still lingers.

They want to commit fully into this relationship yet they feel the other might leave them one day, that the other one is not serious about this thing between them. That the betrayal has already taken a toll on the other's senses and they're just waiting for the right time to say 'I hate you'.

They both fail to realize that, it was the beef that brought them close. Unknowingly both have played their parts to bring each other into this relationship. Instead they wait for the other shoe to drop.

Love grows, so does the silly jokes and smiles. Hugs, cuddles and kisses were bound to follow.

They make all kinds of effort to make each other happy. Buying expensive but thoughtful gifts. Since the day Colson has uttered the words that he likes flowers, Em makes it sure that everyday he gifts Colson a flower. Whether he's at home, on tour or in the studio, each day a different flower, just for Colson, and if Marshall's at home he makes sure that its him who gives Colson the flower of the day.

Marshall in return gets a different kind of gift which sometimes also works as a reward for letting Colson win at certain games. Colson loves to hug Marshall. Once a self proclaimed Stan and now possibly life partner, Colson feels Marshall enjoy hugs more than kisses. So everyday, whenever Em hands him a flower or leaves for the studio, Colson hugs him to his heart's content.

The sense of betrayal slowly but surely starts to fade away.

From enemies to lovers, they've come a long way.

Yet they still wait for the other to give them a sign. They want to make sure that they're each other's forever.

Its Colson who breaks first.

He begins to notice that Marshall is spending more and more time in the studio or at home office. He knows Em has a strict routine of devoting his time at studio but this is different.  At first he ignores but then Marshall misses a few dinners, forgets to give him his daily good morning kiss and even hugs halfheartedly. Colson is hurt. He never voices them but he feels miserable, that sense of betrayal starts to reappear.

However, unlike his other relationships, he makes a final effort. Instead of simply leaving or confronting Marshall with bitter words, he decides to speak his heart out.

Like any other day, when Em hands him the flower, Colson takes it but the moment Em tries to go back to his home office, Colson grabs ahold of one of Marshall's hands. Em, without any hesitation turns back and waits.

He knows the end has come so he keeps his face devoid of any expression. He can see Colson’s wearing his hoodie. He can clearly see that the guy is trying to compose himself and maybe repeating the words in his head to say them in one go, so he waits.

Colson just keeps on looking at the flower. It's a white rose. A white flag, he supposes. Nodding to himself while still holding Em's hand, Colson looks up from the flower and into Marshall's beautiful blue eyes.

The words simply refuse to come out but he refuses to back down. He feels like this might be his karma for never taking any relationship seriously.

Not wanting a repeat case of what had happened during the whole beef,  also fearing that Marshall might take his hand back or god forbid, take away his chance to talk, he begins to speak;

"You know... I don't want you to think...I just...For the past few weeks... F**K". Colson's voice breaks. Who thought it will be this difficult to speak his mind? He can see Marshall's still waiting patiently for him to just...

Taking a deep breath he tries again and finally pushes himself to say the words.

"I don't want to run our relationship on fumes, Em. I might've never told you but you mean a lot to me, more than I can ever explain. Even if I don't mean that much to you, whenever I hold you, I know you'll hold me back. I cared, still care  and will continue to care about you. I genuinely care about your opinions, your likes and dislikes.

Everything about you is important to me.

I fell for you Marshall, do you get that? Please, please just put me out of my misery and tell me, do you feel the same way too?"

Colson takes a moment to simply memorize the face, the man who means too much to him. He needs to say the rest of the words...

"You've ignored me in the past and that had hurt me Marshall, You may not believe it but it did hurt, a lot. I swear to you when I say I cannot go through that again because its tearing me up inside Em, and this time I may not...

So please...just... please tell me, do you even love me... the way I love you?"

Marshall can clearly see, Colson is trying his best to not break down. There's tears glistening in his eyes. Em's throat close up, he didn't want to do this but now he has no choice. He takes out a sheet of folder paper from his hoodie's pocket and hands it to Colson. He can clearly see there is confusion in Colson's eyes but without much delay the younger one takes it.

Colson feels reluctant to give up, he keeps holding Em's hand cause he need answers and this feel like a joke but he keeps his patience and tries to unfold the paper with one hand.

It finally unfolds.

The first thing Colson notices is that the page mostly filled with doodles, some lines maybe lyrics that have been crossed out.

"So that's it? That's his answer? Is this his parting gift?" Colson cannot help but wonder.

That old feeling of betrayal comes rushing at the forefront of his mind. His vision becomes blurry. He can feel his hope is taking its last few breaths,his treacherous heart begins to ache.

A few lines catches his eyes so he decides to just read them and be done with it. His breath gets caught in his throat. He's not sure what he’s just read. He wants to be absolutely sure.

So reads them again...and again...and again...

"You are my heartbeat, Without you my heart never settles, My eyes may bleed but their search for you is A tale I wanna tell.

Should I name it, 'Reckless'? Cause it's endless, might Call me shameless but baby You're mine and I wanna be yours and I promise you, my darling, This love is so pure cause Damn! I'm feeling secure.

But be aware, if you decide to Leave me one day and Cross a thousand oceans

Call it Shady or simple madness,

I swear to you, my darling, I'll bring you ashore."

After reading it for what feels like a millionth times, Colson finally looks back up at Marshall and this time he cannot keep the tears at bay. But Em cannot have that, so he tugs him closer and holds him tight.

He doesn't want to break the beautiful moment but he's feeling so relieved that he pulls back. He needs Colson to know and truly understand that he's very serious about this... them...this whole relationship thing.

"I hope this answers all your questions cause you've already answered mine. This is a rough draft but you'll get the final product on your birthday and sweetheart... the whole world will witness it too."

Marshall tries to put all the love he feels for Colson, in those words. So the moment he finishes his confession, Colson slams into him and just hug him tight. He tries to laugh and kiss and bury himself simultaneously in Em's neck; he wants to surround himself with only Marshall... his Em.

Marshall in return, softly kisses Colson's forehead, before hugging him even closer. Its feels good to be loved, really loved. To be in love without any fear; and so for the first time in a long time, Em finally, without any doubt or hesitation, smiles.

[pan-mian]

okay I simply cannot keep this all to myself so buckle up gays it's storytime

So I'm out with my one straight friend. We've just moved to a new city so we baidu the best places to go and head to this semi fancy bar. He gets the most pretentious drink on the menu that comes with two tiny umbrellas.

Whilst we're sitting waiting for our drinks, some other students enter. There's three of them, one guy who is trying so hard to be chill, like he's wearing a shirt with the top two buttons undone but clearly this is Outside His Comfort Zone. Then there's chaos incarnate. This guy has the most feral bisexual energy I have ever witnessed in a person. Should have known the moment he walked in this was not going to be a normal evening but ig I still had hope at that point.

And finally, the prettiest girl I have ever seen. Like she was so beautiful?? And her laugh?? Added 15 years to my life. Anyways I look over at straight friend and he's just starting at her. Completly gone. Luckily she didn't seem to have noticed but instead of having my gushing gay moment I now have to be babysitter to this mess of a guy. He's well meaning but truly disasterous when it comes to romance so it's now my sole responsibility to keep him from embarrassing himself and also me.

Just as our drinks arrive, bi guy saunters over in his sparkly black dms and skinny jeans. Internally I'm like, oh god here we go, but that thought doesn't last long bc my spoiled friend over here starts complaining asking if the umbrellas come in pastel yellow to match his suit. And bi guy just, looks at him and it's clear he's judging every life decision my friend has made with absolute disgust.

Anyways the bartender begrudgingly goes to look for these stupid umbrellas and bi guy clearly has no brain to mouth filter and says "How much of an arrogant prick do you have to be to make such a selfish and pathetic complaint??" And like, he's not wrong but no-one except me has ever come close to speaking to him like that so he just,,, Stares back in shock, not quite comprehending that this overconfident stranger had the guts to address him. So, being unfortunately stuck in the middle of these two, I try to diffuse the conversation by making small talk with the guy.

Which I immediately regret as he starts flirting with me, but I put up with it bc it seemed better than whatever was about to go down. The bartender eventually returns with the umbrellas (which somehow they actually had???). Bi guy orders drinks. Friend goes back to starting at the girl, except now I'm too busy diverting my own unwanted attention to be able to keep him in check, and despite flirting with me bi guy still has a death glare on my friend.

After what felt like several hours later, their drinks are finally done and so I allow myself to think 'finally, this is about to be over'. Bad move. Bi guy turns to leave with a wink but as he does so, my friend mutters something into his drink about how pretty she is. At which point, bi guy turns on him and in the softest and most deadly voice goes "What did you say about my shijie?"

It's over. We all know that it's about to go down now. Well maybe there would have been a chance to resolve it all had it been literally anyone else in that situation, but alas it's my clueless spoiled friend who just looks up at him in panic and, in a string of garbled words, says something that accumulates to 'I wasn't trying to hit on her, I think she's shitty!"

You can imagine the sinking feeling in my heart. The tension in the room has reached maximum and we now have the attention of the entire bar, including bi guy's friends. Shirt guy looks resigned and unimpressed and I'm starting to suspect this might not be the first time he's had to deal with such a situation. It's a race to see if he and the girl can get to bi guy before he throws the first punch, but despite having to put down all the drinks first he still manages it. Well, almost. My friend has enough reflexes to move out of the way, so he ends up hitting the glass instead, spilling the fancy cocktail all over my friend and a little on me. Shirt guy and the girl now have bi guy successfully restrained, and I'm holding back my friend who's on the verge of tears crying about his fancy shirt. The girl sends us both an apologetic look and I meet her gaze like 'I feel your pain, I really do'.

Shirt guy, however is having none of this and asks bi guy what the fuck he's done this time, to which bi guy answers 'he thinks he's above shijie', and shirt guy's gaze hardens. You thought bi guy's gaze was scary? Well, he has nothing on angry shirt guy who's now demanding an explanation from my friend, who is now properly crying as he struggles against my grip.

Shijie herself looks as if she wants the carpet to swallow her up and I honestly cannot blame her. It's at this point the bouncer comes to escort us all out. Both my friend and bi guy are now banned from that bar. I'd say it's for the best.

[scatterpatter]

[ROUGH DRAFT] Corren’s Backstory

Okay so i REALLLY stress the “rough draft” part because I need to run this by my dm and he’ll probably need me to make changes, but this is the general idea so far- granted its worded for him and the group who know the story already rather than for like a new player, so sorry if a lot of things are out of context XD

JAZZ THIS IS SPOILERS SO IF I CATCH YOU READING THIS ILL FITE U >:(

Content Warnings: Death, emotional and physical abuse, violence, depression

Life for Corren was pretty par for the course for a Marelienth child. He lived with his father, mother, and 2 older siblings in a somewhat large town known as Warrencrest. Warrencrest was a town nestled in the Thistlepoint mountain range- a range named for the thistle-bearing plants that lined the edges of the trails. Many adventurers traveling through the mountain range wouldn’t take the trail through Warrencrest, so the city did not see many travelers. Of course travelers and adventurers weren’t rare, but the town was mostly made of Marelienth residents.

Growing up, Corren was the youngest of three siblings- his brother Julian being the middle child and his sister Mila being the eldest of the bunch. Mila and Julian were very close in age, though Corren was considerably younger. Despite this, they were as close as siblings could be- even building a tree house on their property. Most in his town practiced spellcasting in one way or another- and that followed to his family. Julian was a necromancer, and Mila was an Evoker. Due to a lack of visitors and adventurers, there were often all sorts of jobs and mini-quests posted for townsfolk to take to earn some extra cash.

Julian and Mila were definitely the adventuring types, always taking jobs to help provide for the family when not working their usual jobs. They loved every minute of it, and they’d do it full-time if they didn’t have a family to help provide for. Corren was far too young to accompany them, since many quests involved either fighting enemies and monsters or some other form of treachery, but they let him tag along on more tame quests such as deliveries or escorts. They were both so kind and happy to have him tag along, and he wanted to be just like them when he grows up.

… But things couldn’t be perfect forever. When Corren was about the Marelienth equivalent of a pre-teen, Mila got sick. It didn’t seem serious at first, but her condition slowly began to deteriorate. No one knew exactly what this illness was nor where she contracted it, but many believe she contracted it on one of her adventures with Julian. Healers in Warrencrest did whatever they could to help save her, but for whatever reason, they couldn’t. She died in their home.

Julian and Corren were understandably devastated upon losing their big sister, and neither really knew how to cope. The day she died, they spent the entire afternoon in their treehouse, just hugging each other close and not saying a word, crying in each other’s arms. … Though, Julian was a grief-stricken young adult with a focus in necromancy. That never ends well. That night, while everyone else was sleeping, Julian snuck to where they kept Mila’s body… and attempted to use his magic to resurrect her. One cannot truly resurrect a corpse unless they are level 20, and Julian was far from 20, but that didn’t stop him.

Corren woke to the sound of screaming, rushed over to where the noise had come from- only to find his sister’s corpse, still fresh and beginning to rot… attacking his brother. Mila was not herself anymore, she was a mindless undead creature with the mind of a cornered animal. Corren watched in horror as his parents rushed over to help Julian and ultimately kill the creature that was once Mila. Being only one undead creature, the battle itself wasn’t hard, but it looked too much like Mila for anyone to willingly bring more harm than necessary to it. The battle quickly ended and she was laid to rest a final time.

This was the last straw for their parents, though. They chewed Julian out for being so reckless and for essentially desecrating their daughter’s corpse. As things escalated they eventually kicked Julian out of their home forever, unofficially banishing him from the town. Corren attempted to protest, but no one listened to him. As they were throwing him out, Julian caught one last look at his little brother and shouted “We’ll meet again, this isn’t goodbye forever!” and, as a physical reminder of this promise, threw a pendant to Corren. The pendant was nothing special- a simple amethyst wrapped with copper wiring on a chain, but Julian would always wear it, and now it belonged to Corren.

To this day, they still haven’t found each other. Julian could be long dead for all Corren knows. He has no leads on where his brother could have possibly ended up.

The next few years were the hardest. Being the Marelienth equivalent of a teenager, he now had to truly focus on studying and magic, and his parents became extremely strict with him now that he was the only child of theirs that wasn’t dead or disowned. They forbade him from any questing, as they believe that’s what killed Mila, but they also forbade anything to do with necromancy, as that’s what Julian specialized in and they didn’t want Corren to turn into someone like that. They pressured him into various “safe” schools of magic, to which Corren eventually decided on Chrono-Busting.

Over the years, the tree that their childhood treehouse rested upon grew old and began to rot, and one storm brought winds high enough that made the tree topple altogether. The treehouse was ruined and unsalvageable, and as Corren stared at the wreckage that once brought him so much joy, he felt that last pit of childhood innocence fade from his soul. He kept to his studies, completely absorbing himself in books to try and distract himself from the vast emptiness he felt inside himself. As he learned how to properly cast Rope Trick, he found the room he was brought to could be molded to look like anything he wanted… … Of course, it was that tree house. It was still empty and depressing without his siblings, but at least it gave him good memories to cling to.

 … Though, he still kept the small amethyst pendant that Julian gave him. He simply couldn’t hate his brother, no matter how much his parents tried to convince him of how awful his brother was. He still looked up to Julian and still aspired to be like him… maybe without the whole “messing up in trying to revive their dead sister” part. He couldn’t help himself, as he started to study necromancy on the side, learning a few spells in that field. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but… he simply couldn’t help himself. 

One night, however, his father caught him practicing his necromancy, and things quickly went south. Corren admittedly doesn’t remember much about what happened that night, it was a blur. All he remembers is there was a lot of yelling- mainly from his father- him trying to explain himself, his father grabbed something from the desk, a sudden movement- and next thing he knew, Corren was on the floor, a dull throbbing in his head as he only saw red from his right eye. Time felt like it slowed down from there- he wasn’t sure if it was from the adrenaline or the fact that he was studying how to manipulate time itself, but it was just enough to act before he got hurt any worse. He didn’t mean to cast a magic missile… it just… happened. To be honest, to this day he’s unsure if he killed his father or simply wounded him, because once he hurt his own parent he knew there was no going back. Panicking, he took the amethyst necklace, a cloak to shield him from the elements, and ran.

He knew he wouldn’t survive a winter in the Thistlepoint range without a proper shelter, so his first order of business was to get away from the mountains and flee to a town with a more temperate climate. As he was crossing one river, he spotted his reflection in the water and realized why his vision in his right eye had gone wonky: whatever he got hit with was sharp, and left a good scar across his eye. Great, now he looks like a criminal too. But it was something he’d have to live with. His vision returned to normal within a few weeks which was good, though of course he still needed glasses. 

The next few years he just spent on the run, hopping from town to town. He never stayed in one place too long, as he didn’t want to raise any suspicion and for people to find out he was a runaway from a town he could potentially be wanted in. He absolutely hated this life, he hated feeling like a criminal, he hated how afraid he was to be found out and forced back home, he hated how he barely scraped by… and he hated being alone. He missed Mila. He missed Julian. … At least his scar slowly healed over the years, to the point where most don’t notice. At least he didn’t look like a criminal anymore.

One day, going between towns, he ran into the city of Lilenthemar. The story he told the residents there was that he was some kind of refugee from the Crescenfall area. Luckily they seemed to trust him and his story enough to allow him to stay a while, so that became his temporary home. … One day, though, he ran into an interesting fellow by the name of Jethro Mosen. He doesn’t even remember how they began talking, especially since Corren was far from the social type. Yet- something just clicked. He found himself conversing with this man, avoiding as much about his own story as he could but rather focusing on who he currently was. Though, Jethro seemed to have picked up on something, and began asking more… intellectual questions. It felt as though he was being quizzed… but Corren didn’t study magic and history for years for nothing, so he answered everything with ease. 

Then… Jethro smiled. No one had smiled at him like that since he was a child. Before he could question it, Jethro offered to hire him as a historian for the Mosen household. Corren couldn’t believe what he was hearing. To be offered a job and a place to stay- and to offer that to a stranger? There had to be some kind of catch, right? Jethro explained that whatever his story was, he was clearly qualified. Maybe it was obvious that Corren was currently homeless and jobless, to be offered a position on the spot, but… how could he say no?

And that’s what lead him to live in Lilenthemar as he aged into adulthood. He had a job that paid for food, a shelter to keep him warm, a place far from Warrencrest… And most importantly, he had Jethro. Someone who took him in and cared for him, seeming not to care about who he used to be but rather who he is now, and was so much more than an employer, he was a friend. He was even the only person that Corren had ever told his true backstory to, and despite being a runaway criminal, Jethro was so understanding and non-judgemental to his situation. Some may think that his feelings towards his employer are romantic, and honestly Corren himself doesn’t really know what he feels for Jethro… but all he knows is that for the first time in many years, he didn’t feel completely empty anymore.

The next few years he remembered what it was like to feel happy. He grew his magical skills, still mostly chrono-based but with his typical dash of necromancy. He learned to handle firearms to defend himself if magic couldn’t suffice. He began a collection of books that quickly grew into full library now that he didn’t have to be on the run with minimal possessions anymore. He even wrote a few books based on his studies, mainly focusing on the Menoa tree. He spent much of his time studying the magical properties of this place, albeit a bit frustrated that he couldn’t ever seem to activate these supposed magical properties. He kept the amethyst pendant all these years and almost never took it off, though he usually wears it underneath his clothing to protect it, so it’s rare for anyone to actually see it. He spent much of his time with Jethro, offering to help out with chores or housekeeping whenever not doing his usual historian tasks. He would find just about any excuse to have bonding time with the other, but why wouldn’t he? He may not have been this exciting adventurer that he wanted to be when he was a child… but he had a stable life that treated him well, which is more than what most of his adolescence offered.

But then… he met the F.U.C.K.s, as Jericho was Jethro’s son and the crew needed escort to the Menoa tree. Corren was more than willing to help someone of the Mosen family, so he didn’t mind giving them escort at all. Though… they quickly revealed themselves to be so much more than a typical group of adventurers. The Menoa tree immediately reacted to their presence, putting them through a series of trials before bestowing a magical weapon to Jericho. And yet… they hardly reacted, as if this was normal to them. Corren… admittedly had a meltdown in front of them, he’ll admit it, yet he just couldn’t wrap his head around who the hell these people were! Who just shows up, activates a magical tree, accepts a magical object from said tree, then turns around and leaves like that isn’t a huge deal?! Yeah, no, that was enough excitement for him. He escorted them back and told them how to get to their next destination… then he took a goddamn nap. He was so done with that crazy shit.

… Yet, he couldn’t quite forget them as easily as he wanted to. There was something so familiar about them… and then it clicked. They were just like Julian. Loud, dorky, rushing head-first into adventure, and not questioning how crazy life was for them. He nearly forgot what living life as an adventurer could be like, since that was something he gave up in favor of a stable life. He did whatever he could to distract himself from these thoughts, yet they never failed to creep back.

One day, while with Jethro, they both received the news that Jericho and company were going to war. Not just any war, the war against the Scabbards- Corren was lucky enough to have never run into them before, but he heard the stories over what they were capable of. They both knew this wasn’t going to be an easily-won war, and many would die in its wake. Jethro was worried about his son, and could Corren blame him? They weren’t fighters, though, so all they could do was sit back and wait for news- good or bad. … Unless?

To this day he didn’t know what came over him, but Corren offered to go and assist Jericho, doing whatever he can to keep him and his party alive. He came up with every excuse to go: he was a historian and wanted to witness this historical event, he was a skilled spellcaster who could help the party when need be, he had a sniper rifle and pistol to use when not using magic, so on and so forth. Something was pushing him to join and help… and he had a feeling Jethro could see that, considering how willingly he allowed Corren to go.

And that’s how he rushed to the city of Joshua as fast as he could. Admittedly, he was pretty late in the game, considering how the walls came down and just how many either evacuated or lied dead on the ground. But he knew who he was here for, and he was determined to catch up to them… of course he tripped the moment they saw him. Of course. But he was relieved to see that everyone in the party was still alive. It took some convincing, but they let him tag along and offer whatever help he could.

This had to be the worst place to begin adventuring- right near the climax of a brutal war? Well, things were never easy for Corren, so he gladly took on the challenge. Maybe it was rude to feel so exhilarated when so many were dying around him, but hey, he’s part-necromancer, death is far from foreign to him. But what made his heart race more than anything was the party he was with. They were brave and strong, inspiring and kind, even if annoying and confusing at times- they were just like Julian. In every action they took, in every enemy they slain, he saw his brother. He saw his brother in each and every one of them. He’d never admit it, but he was quickly growing endeared to them- he didn’t really know what he was doing, but he knew that it was right. 

All he has to do is try and prevent these dorks from getting killed.

...

No pressure or anything.