#if you picked Paul your moms a hoe

[luci-hemwin-evanson]

Choose Love is a social experiment

[marvelatthetwilight]

Love from afar

Requested

Anonymous said:

Could you do an Embry Call imagine where he imprints but the person is already in a relationship so he just has to love from afar? Lots of angst!

“Hurry up Paul! I don’t want to be late! I’m already feeling nervy about going back to school and you are making this SO much worse!” Embry shouts up the stairs to his friend, tapping his foot and checking his watch.

“Oh calm down, stop being so dramatic!” Paul laughs as he walks down the stairs, flicking the side of his friend’s head as he walks past.

“Shit, forgot my pen, be right back!” He announces as he runs back up the stairs.

“Paul, we’re going to be late!” 

Embry’s truck comes to a sudden stop at the edge of the parking lot and Paul’s head hits the dashboard with a thud. “What the hell!?” He shouts, rubbing his forehead.

“Y/N” Embry whispers, looking dreamily across the lot.

“Y/N? As in Y/N Y/LN?” Paul asks, glancing between Embry and Y/N in the distance.

“You’ve imprinted all the way from over here?” He laughs incredulously. “Wow”

“How is that even possible? I can’t even see her properly!” Embry asks, unable to take his eyes off Y/N, chatting to her friends.

“Must be a strong one. I mean...we only have Sam to base this on but I’m pretty sure he looked into Emily’s eyes to imprint.”

“I have to talk to her” Embry starts his truck again and moves quickly to find a space, quickly getting out and grabbing his bag.

“You know she has a boyfriend though?” Paul states as he closes the passenger door, Embry stopping in his tracks.

“What?” He turns around to Paul, his brow furrowed with worry. “Since when?”

“Erm...not long but she seems pretty loved up...” Paul gestures back to where Y/N is standing, when a tall guy with long, dark hair and a large backpack walks towards her wraps her in a hug and kisses the top of her hair gently.

A small whine escapes Embry’s mouth. “Oh...” He whispers.

3 weeks later

“So have you spoken to her yet?” Quil asks impatiently before taking a large bite of his sandwich.

Paul and Jared are sat at the other side of the table, engrossed in their own conversation, whilst Embry looks wistfully at Y/N who is sat two tables over. He sighs, resting his chin on his hands.

“I lent her a pen in geography. She said thank you and smiled at me. It was amazing.” Embry replies, not breaking contact with the other table.

“Yeah that sounds creepy. Stop staring.” Quil nudges his arm away, and Embry’s head hits the table.

Jared and Paul burst out laughing as Embry rubs his chin. 

“That’s karma for me hitting my head on your car!” Paul claims and Jared nods in support.

“Come on Embry, let’s go talk to her, Kim sits next to her in physics and says she’s really friendly.” Jared suggests, waving at Kim in the lunch line, subtly pointing towards Y/N and Kim responds with a thumbs up.

“Kim will come with us.” He grabs Embry’s arm and pulls him up, dragging him towards Kim as she pays for her lunch.

“Are you ready Embry? No creepy comments please. Jared told me about the staring.” Kim laughs as Jared kisses her cheek.

She grabs his hand as they start walking towards Y/N’s table.

“Hey Y/N, can we join you?” She looks up at Kim and smiles, “Of course” she replies.

She looks to Kim’s left at Jared and nods in greeting before looking over at Embry. She frowns slightly as their eyes meet, her smile faltering for a brief second before she takes a deep breath and her bright twinkle returns.

“Embry?” She asks, gesturing towards Embry.

“Yeah uh, hi. How are you?” Embry rubs the back of his neck as he tries to think of something smart to say.

Kim and Jared start talking to one of Y/N’s friends to give them both some privacy, but Jared keeps one eye on Embry.

“I’m really good thanks. I don’t think we’ve spoken since we were like...6? Maybe? Do you remember? Our moms used to be best friends!” Her face lights up and hands become animated with excitement as she recalls their friendship. Embry’s face looks blank, but she is determined for him to remember.

“My dad made us our own assault course in my back yard, we used to pretend we were training for the army, just like him...” Embry thinks hard, then a flash of a memory appears in his mind, then another, then another.

“And watch movies with huge bowls of popcorn?” He asks.

“Yes!! You remember!” Her smile is infectious, and Embry can’t help but grin back at her, until a small cough beside him when he realises that they have just been smiling at each other for about a minute.

“Mom still asks about you. Asks how you and your mom are doing.” Y/N’s smile falters slightly as she looks at Embry sympathetically.

“Yeah well...mom is alright. We’re ok. Do you know why they stopped being friends?” Embry asks.

“Just grew apart I suppose. Wish we could’ve stayed friends though. It’s weird. It’s been so long but I feel like we never stopped being friends, like I could just talk to you about anything.” She frowns slightly in confusion, looking up at him, assessing his face, taking in every detail.

“I feel the same. Like we were always meant to be...friends” He finishes sadly, then catches eye of the guy from this morning heading towards them.

He stands next to Embry and tries to straighten up to make himself seem taller, he’s taller than average, but doesn’t even compare to Embry and Jared.

“Alex” He states, nodding at the other two boys.

“Embry. This is Jared” Embry replies as Jared nods in greeting, neither offering anything else to acknowledge him.

“Hey sexy, walk me to next class?” Alex asks as he holds out his hand to Y/N.

“Yeah let me just finish talking first” She replies, rolling her eyes.

“We should hang out some time Embry, my mom would LOVE to see you again.” She begins packing up her things before writing something on a piece of paper.

“My number” she says, as she hands Embry the paper, Alex’s eyes flash with anger. Embry smiles at her in return.

She picks up her bag and books, ignores Alex’s hand that he’s offering her and starts to walk away, Alex trailing behind as he shoots angry looks back at Embry.

“Well that went better than expected” Jared whispers.

“Yeah...it did.” Embry replies, looking at the piece of paper in his hand.

206-509-6995 Y/N ♥️

“I will just love her from afar. When she’s ready, I’ll be here.” 

Quil gives Embry a sympathetic look, whilst Paul and Jared look disturbed.

They’re all leaning against Embry’s truck, with Embry looking lovingly across the parking lot at Y/N.

“Not in a creepy I’m waiting kind of way.”

“Yeah of course.” Paul says sarcastically as he flings an arm around Embry’s shoulders.

“Come on, let’s go for a run, blow off some of that creepy, unrequited love steam”

“I’m not creepy.” Embry insists.

“Keep telling yourself that!” Paul replies laughing.

Taglist:

@volturiwolf @wallwriterstuff @volturidoll13 @like-rain-or-confetti @moviequeen51 @raindancer2004 @officialfictionalwreck @megzdoodle @slasher-sweetie @reclusive-chicken-nugget @holl2712 @icarusinstatic @imdoingathingmom @fanfic-love-show @volturiwolf @awesomebooklover17 @clearwater-hoe @teampaul @fatiguing-thoughts

[smt-here]

A Cocktail of Emotions ( Part 3 )

Pairing : Peter Parker x Reader (first person POV, ‘I’ pronoun)

Genre : Soulmate!AU

Warning : THEYY GON MEET HERE HOES BETTER BE READY I’M EXCITED TO WRITE THIS PART

Word Count : 1861 words

A/N : I’m sorry that I haven’t posted in a while... It’s been a rough couple of weeks and I haven’t been feeling like myself. It took a lot of convincing from my best friend to get over everything... Bottom line : Problems? Talk it out with a stranger, the worst thing they could do is judge you and the best thing is be your new friend. I did it and now even though he’ll be going back and forth to China we’d still be close.

Part 1

Part 2

A week went by just like that.

Like as if it was just a blink of an eye.

The first few days of adjusting to Midtown High was difficult. I had somehow managed to get lost at least twice a day.

But thankfully, not everyone around here are jerks. Some had actually helped me more than once and we became acquaintance over that.

Michelle stuck by my side whenever she could. If we have classes that are near, she’d walk me and it’s almost impossible for us to be separated during lunch break. Over the week, people had recognized one table at the far end of the cafeteria to be Michelle’s and my spot.

Ned had been quite helpful too. Though I never sit near him, but he managed to help me catch up with everything from materials, school works, assignments, and even ways to deal with the teacher. He’s actually a cool guy.

Speaking of cool guy.

I haven’t met Peter Parker despite him being Ned’s close friend.

I’ve seen him walk around in the halls but not even once had I met him personally and introduced myself to him.

Surprisingly, I’m kind of disappointed somehow. I’ve been having this urge to collide with Peter Parker just to exchange a couple words.

Monday had just ended like that.

I stood by my locker and began putting unnecessary books into it as I pack what’s necessary for homework.

As I slowly get through books by books and checking out notes, I heard the locker next to mine slammed open and the shut within a half of a minute without me realizing.

I took a peek a little and saw Peter Parker running as if he had just caught himself on fire and out through the front door of the school.

“Great... Another day of failed plan...” I muttered to myself annoyedly, not realizing that Michelle had been standing behind me the whole time, “You know... You really do need to stop talking and doing things by yourself... It’ll get creepy and I wouldn’t want to become friends with you anymore” She said jokingly.

I turn to her and rolled my eyes playfully, smacking her arm with my Biology book before stuffing it inside the locker and shutting it.

“It’s just frustrating, you know? Peter’s locker is next to mine and I can't seem to greet him!” I groaned frustratedly as we both began walking out of the school.

Michelle was about to answer me when her phone suddenly rang, indicating a text message which I’ve come to know as a specific ringtone for her mom. “Oh shoot! I’m gonna be late! I’m sorry (Y/N), but my dad is picking me up today! I-I’ll tell you what’s going on tomorrow, okay? Bye!” She then ran off just like that, leaving me all confused on the side of the road as she ran the other way.

I sighed inwardly before beginning my journey back home alone.

Usually, Michelle would always walk together with me before eventually splitting to  go back to her own house. Though we split, there would always be conversations exchanged between us and it made the walk back home bearable.

Since Michelle is not with me, I decided to make a detour and walk around a little before going back home.

I walk around a little before stopping at a deli called Delmar’s.

“Welcome to Delmar’s how may I help you today?”

I looked up at the menu for a while before deciding on one, “No. 5 please”

He smiled at me and spoke at an employee behind him with Spanish before looking back at me, “That’ll be $5″ I gave him the money and he rung the cashier, “I’ve never seen you before... Are you new around here?” he asked. I nodded at him, “Kind of, I’ve been around for a week already but I just haven’t had a chance to roam around everywhere...” “Well, you roam into the perfect place! Delmar is the best deli in town and I can guarantee!” he said before handing me my order with a kind smile.

After that I decided to walk back home.

On the way back, I could feel someone following me. But I couldn’t find the will to look back so I walk a little faster. The person behind me increases their pace too and I could hear the sound of his steps getting louder and louder.

So I ran.

I ran as fast as I could but the person behind still caught up.

But before he could put a hand on me, I felt a gush of wind from above and suddenly I heard the stalker fell down.

I whipped my head to look behind and saw someone had knocked the stalker down and... Glued him? It looked like glue... Whatever it is that is keeping him stuck onto the concrete ground and not up.

The person who helped me wore a head-to-toe red and blue spandex which had web-like patterns on it and he was wearing a mask too.

He then straighten himself up and he made sure that the stalker was firmly stuck and can’t get up without help, “Are you alright miss? Did he got a chance to-” He then turn to look at me and when his covered eyes found mine, I felt a sudden ‘zap’ all over my body and suddenly, I felt another heart beat, one that’s not mine. My brain began picking up a sense of shock but not from my own.

“A-are you... Are you m-my-” I pointed at him and stuttered. For some reason I could’t say the word. I couldn’t say what he really is to me.

I took a step closer to him, hoping that he’d reach out to me and hold me close to him like what soulmates did in romantic novels.

But he did the one thing that I had least expected him to do.

He suddenly held his arm out and from his wrist, a string of what looked like a glue came out and he just swung away like that. He ran away.

He ran away from me.

He didn’t even bothered checking if I was alright.

That day, I walked home alone, scared, hurt, and crying.

I spent the rest of the evening doing my homework and contemplated whether what had happened was real or not.

I could still vividly sense my soulmate’s-or whatever he preferred himself to be as- heart beating in an abnormal pace. It was beating vigorously and almost in an inhumane way. I could also vividly felt him panicking, the feeling brought blood rushing to my head, causing me to became dizzy.

So I decided to call it a night and sleep.

The next morning I woke up feeling a little bit better than how I had felt the night before. I could still feel how my soulmate felt so I knew it was real. His heartbeat was slow, and calm so I guessed that he was still sleeping.

I walked to school by myself and met up with Michelle half way through the walk.

The minute I came up to her, even before she could utter out a ‘good morning’ to me, I had grab her by her arms and looked at her straight in her eyes, “Michelle, I think- no.... I’m sure I met my soulmate last night.”

Her eyes widened at my statement and from then on until we reached school, she had forced every single bit of information I had had. Unfortunately, the information was really little so there was not much I could gave out for her,

“Wait... Did you said... He was wearing a red and blue spandex? A head-to-toe red and blue spandex?” She asked me once I finished telling her the story.

I nodded slowly at her question.

“Did he had a small spider logo on his chest and back?” She asked again, her eyes narrowed as if she’s really interested with what I had just told her. Which is, if it’s the normal case, she wouldn’t give much thought about. Considering how little she thought about romance let alone a gossip-worthy one.

Again, I nodded slowly.

But then I furrowed my eyebrows at her, “Wait, how did you know all of those things? Have you ever like... Met him or something?” I cross my arms in front of my chest as I stared at her weirdly.

Michelle laughed at me, a satisfied look was plastered on her face after she finished laughing, “Oh my God... Do you not know who you’re describing?” “Michelle, I’m pretty sure if I had known who it was I wouldn’t be asking things about him to you now, would I?” I said sarcastically.

“Okay, see... This is what you get for coming to Midtown, Queens without feeling the need to know about the most important information there is to know about Midtown” she poked my forehead jokingly with a sly grin on her face.

“Skip to the point please” I sighed as I swatted her hand away.

“Your soulmate is Spiderman”

I widened my eyes and slam my locker door shut loudly, “You do... Know Spiderman... Right?” Michelle asked, feeling unsure about me knowing the said man. “Vaguely, I knew him through several videos from YouTube but I thought that he’s some sort of a stunt actor... You know... Mainstream YouTubers? Like... The Dolan twins or whoever Jake Paul is...” I muttered out.

Michelle scoffed at me as she scrolled through her phone, “Well, my dear friend... I feel the sudden need to tell you that the Spiderman you heard of is not a regular person... Nor is he a stunt double like seriously... Is that the best you could think of him?”

“Your point?”

Michelle then shove her phone in my hand and let me scroll through the news site she had open by myself.

The more I scroll, the more I read, the more fascinated I became to my new found soulmate that I had just met the day before.

“He’s a hero...” I muttered with a smile on my face. I could feel my cheeks became hot too as I read the news about him saving kittens off of trees and stopping heists, him being close to the citizen and of course him being a polite gentlemen who provides safety to the people of Queens.

“Michelle! (Y/N)!”

Both Michelle and I turn our heads towards the school’s door and saw Ned walked in with a grin on his face. He waved at us ecstatically as he jogs towards us both, “Morning!” he greeted cheerfully, “Morning Ned! You alone today?” I asked, not seeing Peter anywhere near him.

“Yeah... Peter kinda went earlier than usual... He said he forgot his chemistry book in the lab... “ he shrugged.

But then Ned suddenly grinned and nod towards me, or probably someone behind me, “Oh there he is!”

Before I could even turn my head, the locker next to mine was slam shut and I met with a pair of dazzling brown orbs.

“Hey... You must be (Y/N)! I-I’m Parker- uh... Peter! Peter Parker!”

taglist :

@httptholland @iris1697 @lunastarwatcher @iknowimnotcrazy @staygoldsquatchling02 @galacticamidala @mendesnbt @turtlesareradaf @x-wing-starwriter

My taglist is still open! And btw this taglist is permanent so I’m not gonna categorise the taglist into a specific category so I will be tagging you for every future story.

- Nana🌸

[flirting-with-psychology]

If you could choose only one thing from Walmart, what would it be? Idk $5 movie bin??  Do you love the person you last held hands with? No How about the last person you kissed? No How do you feel about reality television? It’s not generally my thing What is your favorite juice? Orange

If you were to have a child, what would the last name be? My husband’s last name, hopefully What is your lowest moment in life so far? Maybe getting over Hawaii Have you ever had a near death experience? Not really Are you currently working? And if so do you like your job? Yes, it’s pretty good Do you love one parent better than the other? I don’t know. I wish I didn’t but maybe Are you religious? No Did you vote on 11/4/2008? No, I was too young Who makes your favorite article of clothing? I don’t have a particular favorite  Going skiing or snowboarding this year? No

How about sledding or ice skating? Maybe How many significant others have you had? None Are you in a relationship now? If so are you happy? No, and no What are your thoughts on drugs? Not a fan What’s the craziest drunken night you’ve had? CEO’s and Office Hoes last year. A whole cup of Coconut Rum. Kissed 4 people Are you now, or have you ever been addicted to anything? Yes Do you ever watch talk shows? Not really, sometimes I watch jimmy fallon with my mom Do you like the snow? Sometimes Favorite holiday? Halloween Any bands you used to like and are now embarrassing to you? Not really  Would you rather text someone or call them? Text Ever been to any concerts? Who? Yeah, Demi Lovato and Paul McCartney Have you ever met anyone that’s famous? Channing Tatum and Reese Witherspoon What’s the last movie you rented? I don’t remember How about the last movie you saw in the theater? Thor: Ragnarok Do you have a/any hero(s)? Not really Have you ever walked out on a job or just not showed up? No, I mean there have been specific days I didn’t show up because I was sick or overslept or something Are you going on vacation any time soon? No When you were little what did you want to be when you “grow up?” A teacher, an artist, and a scientist Ever broken a bone? No Have you ever taken part in a threesome? No Do you have any children? No What are your thoughts on abortion? Pro-choice How about gay people? They’re people <Good answer Camel’s or Marlboro’s? Neither Have you told your parents all of your secrets from when you were a teen? Most of them Do you shower every day? I try to, my roommates don’t want me to though Have any piercings? My ears Tattoos? No If you just came into a large amount of money, what would you do first? Buy something cool probably Are you using a wireless keyboard and mouse? No  Have you ever been in a car accident? No Do you drink and drive? No Has anyone ever sang to you in a romantic way? No I wish What is the most romantic thing someone has done for you? Uhhhh MTV or VH1? What Doing anything exciting this weekend? Work... Ever had your heart broken? Yes Ever liked someone and didn’t go for it because of what your friends said? Not really, usually I end up going for it unless there’s some other reason like he’s taken, or I just don’t end up liking him enough You’re getting married. Who’s your maid of honor and best man? Not sure. Obviously the best man should be my husband’s best friend so I wouldn’t know him. I know some people I would pick as bridesmaids but Idk who I’d want the maid of honor to be What’s your favorite alcoholic beverage? Bailey’s or Mike’s Can you shotgun a whole beer? No I don’t like beer What’s your favorite drinking game? King’s Cup Ever danced to no music? Yeah Have a favorite song right now? Not really Would you rather be able to fly or walk on water? Fly, it’s more useful Would you rather get highlights or dye your whole head? Highlights, its easier to maintain and to grow out How long has your best friend been your bestie? Since we were 1 Are you friends with any of your siblings? i don’t have siblings Are you a very emotional person? Depends Have you ever lost a loved one? Yeah What’s the best club you’ve ever been to? Idk Can you do the splits? Not even close Would you ever go on a reality TV show? Depends what it is but probably not Do you wear glasses or contacts? Glasses

[sawthingsiimagined]

#XD30 THIRTEEN | DOUBLE TROUBLE

[ Great Idea - Jada ]

The EMBRACE Event was very amazing. We had just finished meeting the attendees and I was outside sitting in my brother’s lap while on Instagram live. Everyone was complimenting on how great we looked and we also read some great reviews from our D.C. show. My feet were killing me and I couldn’t wait to get back to my room to take off these clothes. We had to be back on the tour bus at 9am the next morning to arrive in New Jersey in time. I was answering questions and skimming through the comments when I read a comment that said “Stay away from Q, you’re too good for him”. I pretended not to see it and hoped Jace didn’t read the comment either. That’s when it happened. The entire comment section spiraled into opinions and speculations about Q and I’s interaction. It felt really uncomfortable because I didn’t want to come off looking like a desperate new star looking for any guy in the industry to hook up with and I also didn’t want to cause any ill attention for Q.

“Want me to turn it off.”, Jace asked me squeezing my hand. I didn’t answer. “Alright guys, we’re headed back to our room. Be sure to go check out our new video that’s on YouTube now. Goodnight.”, Jace said as he closed the app. “Listen Jada, what you do is your business but I really think…”, he began saying.

“Everyone keeps telling me what they think and not asking me how I feel or what my plan is!”, I said almost on the verge of tears. “No my love, that’s not where I was going with my statement.”, he said pulling me into his chest. “What I was going to say is that you should do what you feel just know that in this industry you’ll have to decide what you want to share unless you plan on sharing it all. You’ll have to manage your own personal affairs. This isn’t like high school or college. I trust that you will make the best decisions for you and I always have your back. Be open.”, he said.

I smiled. Jace was not only my twin but I really felt like he was my soulmate. He understood me in ways that no one else did. I felt really blessed to have him as my brother. My phone rang and I got up off of his lap to walk away from him. It was Q. It was perfect timing. I wanted to talk to him just to see where all of this was going or if we were just having fun. I didn’t mind having fun but I needed the closure.

“Hello.”, I said answering the phone as if I didn’t know it it was him. “Hey mama, I want to see you. Can I come to you now?”, he asked. “We are still waiting at the banquet hall but will be headed back to our hotel shortly.” I answered. “Are y’all waiting on a car? Let me come get you.”, Q said. “I don’t know if that’s possible.”, I said. I wasn’t sure how to break away from my manager. I glanced over at Mona and she was on the phone handling business as usual. I figured I shouldn’t press my luck with asking her. It may be fine to just have Q come up to my room. I didn’t know what to do.

“Hey, can you give me 5 minutes to figure something out?”, I asked. “Sure, call me back.”, he said.

I walked over to Jace. “Do you think we could push our rehearsal back and be fine with rehearsing once we get to Jersey?”, I asked already assuming he would say no. “Yea that’s what we’d have to do anyways. Mona wants to stop and get food and I’m a little hungry too so we thought we'd stop at Waffle House near the hotel before going to our rooms.”, he said. “I’m a little tired. I’m going to see if Mona will let a friend come pick me up and take me straight to the hotel.”, I said looking at Mona. “A friend, as in Q?”, he asked folding his arms. “Yes, is that ok with you?”, I asked with a slight attitude. “Yea but is he driving?”, he asked. “I doubt it. He probably has a driver.”, I replied. That’s when I thought of the bright idea. I would tell Mona I was taking an Uber ride back to the hotel. “I need to keep this thing under wraps. Can we just keep everything about Me and Q between me and you for right now?”, I asked my brother. “Sure. What are you going to do? Tell Mona that you’re going to catch a Taxi or Uber back to the hotel. It is dark so she probably won’t recognize Q.”, he said. “Precisely.”, I said with a smile. “We are such twins!”, I said lightly punching him in the chest.

I went over and explained to Mona that an Uber would come to get me. She said she was fine with that and just asked that I texted her when I pulled into the hotel. The hotel was only 15 minutes away. I agreed and called Q.

“Hey, I’ll text you the address. You can come get me. You have a driver right?”, I said with my hand over mouth. “Yea ma. You don’t trust my driving?”, he asked with a chuckle. “No, no it’s not that. I just told my manager that I was calling an Uber Ride.”, I said feeling like a 15 year old girl lying to her mom. “Fine, just be sure to rate me all 5’s.”, he said laughing. “Text me the address.”

I hung up the phone and texted him. Surprisingly about 5 minutes later a black Escalade pulled up with tinted windows. The driver let down the window and called my name. We were really playing this Uber ride thing well. I got in the back seat and didn’t see Q. I started to get worried until I shut the door and felt his hand behind me. He was laying on the back row smiling so wide I could see his entire grill.

“So how were my production skills? We made it look like a real Uber.”, he laughed. He took my hand and kissed it. He kissed it several time. He then took my index finger and put it in his mouth. Good thing I sanitized my hands. He obviously wasn’t concerned about Ebola. He pulled on me as if he we telling me to join him in the bask seat. I hesitated because the driver was right there.

“Yo, what about the driver?,” I asked with concern.

“Ma this is my shit.”, he said. “Yo Mario, turn up the music and take the long way to the hotel.” That turned me the fuck on! Q was just IT. He had IT! He acted IT! He wanted IT! He pulls me on top of him and begins kissing me deep. He takes one hand and grips my ass. He realizes that I had on a body suit and I immediately regretted it. He was able to pop one of my breast out. He pulled my nipple into his mouth and sucked on it like he was sure he was going to get some milk. He sucked my breast like a new born baby. I really wanted him. This time all of him. Both times before he aimed to please me expecting nothing in return. This time he really couldn’t pleasure me like he wanted because of what I had on. That was a sign to me that it was time for me to please him. I pulled back from his embrace and he looked at me as if he had something wrong. I reached down and licked his lips and then I licked my lips. I then tugged on his jeans. I was able to unbuckle his belt. He would not help me. He almost seemed shocked that I was going there. I checked to see if he was hard because I couldn’t understand his reaction. He just stared at me. I unzipped his pants and I backed back enough to arch my back and pull his dick out of his Gucci briefs. DAMN. It is true what I had heard. Those slender niggas have some long dicks. He must have been concerned that I couldn’t handle it. And he was right but I was not afraid of a challenge. I looked at him and he looked at me with a look of apology. I leaned down arching my back more and pulled him into my mouth. The only dick I had ever sucked was my ex and he enjoyed it so I was confident that I had skills. I relaxed my throat. I was able to pull him in far and I heard him gasp. I grabbed his balls and he grabbed my hand. I hope I didn’t hurt him. He took all of my fingers and placed them in his mouth. I could feel his tongue licking the tips of my fingers. I went to town on that dick. I wasn’t sure if was wanting to have feelings for him or if I already did. My emotions were all over the place but my goal was to suck the soul out of him. I could taste his precum and could tell by his breathing that he was close to climaxing. He grabbed me and pulled me up. He kissed me deep and then the truck stop. We were at the hotel.

He began zipping his pants. And stared at me. I didn’t know what to say.

“So is this where we say goodbye until we meet again?”, he asked. I looked out the window and noticed a reception of some sort ending. I was disappointed. I really wanted to invite him up to my room but knew we wouldn’t make it past the crowd without people noticing him.

“I suppose.”, I said with a crack in my voice.

“I will come to you or I will bring you to me. This isn’t over. I like you Jade. I want more of you.”, he said before kissing me again. I really wanted to excuse the driver and ride his dick into the morning light but I knew that was impossible.

“I can live with that. I can’t wait to see you again.”, I said opening the door and walking into the hotel without looking back. A part of me wanted to break down and cry. I had already imagined falling asleep in his arms. I was mostly horny and was not in the mood to pleasure myself. I reached my hall and to my surprise security was there. It was Ernest.

“Hey Ernest.”, I said. “Hi Ms. Jade.”, he said. “I’m here to relieve Paul. He informed me that you were headed back to the hotel. I’m sorry I didn’t meet you downstairs. If i’m not mistaken I think we were waiting on Mona to alert us of your arrival.” “Oh crap!”, I said remembering Mona telling me to text her when I arrived at the hotel. “I’m texting her now.”

I go into my room to wash my face, rinse my mouth out and pull my hair out of the bun. I tried to unzip my body suit but was unsuccessful. That’s when I had another idea. I was full of great ideas this night and I was determined to win.

Mona texted back: ‘Ok we’ll be back in 20 min’

That was enough time to do what I had planned just in case Mona wanted to stop by my room when she got back.

I peeped my head out of the door. “Ernest, could you help me with something?”, I asked.

He walked in and stared at me. “Can you unzip me?” I asked. That was the perfect hoe line from many movies I’ve watched. He unzipped me and stood there. I let my breast fall out of the body suit and I pulled the rest of the suit off revealing a thin thong. I knew my ass was looking right. I turned around and looked straight at his zipper. I could see the print in his pants. Just what I thought. I reached  down and unzipped his pants. I then grabbed him by the neck pulling him into my breast. He knew just what to do. He began sucking them. I walked backwards until I was close enough to fall back onto the bed. He fell on top of me. I pulled my thong down. I unbuckled his pants and pulled out his dick. He started sucking on my neck and had both of my breasts in his hands. I took authority and put his dick inside of me. I grabbed his ass and pulled him in deeper as he began to plow me. I was horny and as far as I was concerned somebody owed me some sex tonight. Shit. I threw my legs over his shoulders and he went even harder. I almost couldn’t take it so I pushed him away. I flipped onto my stomach and then arched my back. He entered me from behind and began thrusting fast and then slow. That was driving me crazy. I could tell by his breathing that he was close so I had to make sure I finished. I pulled away again and motioned for him to lay on his back. He laid down and I climbed on top of him to ride him. I started to feel a little guilty because I badly wanted for this to be Q. So I decided to ride him backwards so I wouldn’t have to see his face. I had never done that before. I went up and down and he began moaning. I was screaming because I was almost there. Before I knew it he yelled “SHIT!” and I knew he was about to climax. I yelled “Don’t Cum!”. He listened. My superpower. I then felt myself explode and I let out a loud moan. He pushed me off and came on the the top of my bedspread. I almost laughed because I knew he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know whether he was allowed to cum on me or the bed. He chose the bed which was fine. I smiled and walked away towards the bathroom. Once at the bathroom door I said, without looking at him, “Thanks for your help.” I then went inside to take a shower.

I felt so powerful. Whew. Sex is definitely a stress reliever. I don’t know why some girls are scared to talk about it or why their is so much sex shaming in society. Hoeing is life. I felt so much better and ready for bed. I still was thinking about Q but I was sure I’d hear from him soon. After my shower I went and got in the bed. I looked at my phone before turning off the light. I had a message from Q.

The text read: “I can’t stop thinking about you. Next time you’re getting dick.”

Little did he know. I already did. Ow.

[leagueofawesomedudes]

Week 12 Preview

Alright pussbags the, alleged, most controversial LOAD member is reluctantly back from his eleven week article vacation after undeservingly getting backlash for his power rankings. For anyone who criticized my power rankings I sincerely hope you choke on turkey at your Thanksgiving dinner and your whole family helplessly watches from across the table. Thanks, for nothing. Enjoy this very average week 12 preview.

#1 Little Diggs (9-2) vs. #5 The Injured Reserve (6-5)

Casey Dier faces an up-tyreke-hill battle this week as Dom whips out his medium sized Melvin Gor-dong and proves how much bigger his dick actually is. Not even Yahoo can figure out how they fucked up so badly when they projected him to go 1-12. Nonetheless, Casey Dier will be too busy playing boyfriend going to pumpkin patches for the 4th weekend in a row before he realizes his team goes Leonard Four-NOT as Dom sticks his Big Diggs right up his used butthole.

Dom Morales > Casey Dier

#2 2 Gurleys 1 Cup (7-4) vs. #9 Jon SnOBJs (4-7)

Another year another disappointment for Chad. Hosting a surprisingly low all-time winning percentage of 40%. Chalk it up to bad luck or mismanaging players like Theo Riddick, this guy strikes out more than Solden shutting down Rumor at 2am. Chad Cameron Brate’s for impact as Sam puts him in a Full Nelson Agholor knocking Chad unconscious for the 8th time this year. Just make sure you wake up in time for work on Monday. Or do you still have some PTO left over?

Pauly’s ex-roomie > Jared’s ex-rommie

 #3 Julio Tones (7-4) vs. #6 Ain’t EZ Bein Breezy (5-6)

The only thing faker than Solden’s record is his sudden personality change. Remember when he tried fighting Dom for being a bad influence on Chad? Well now he’s one of ‘em. I like you better when you have a girlfriend. Even if you are shitting your pants and throwing up on her. Despite boasting the final playoff spot, Solden has one of the lowest scoring teams and he’s coming off a week where he couldn’t break 90 points. Solden’s playoff hopes dwindle as I DeVante Park my boner right in Solden’s Gronk-OWWWW-ski.

New Solden > New Tony

 #4 Crows before Hoes (6-5) vs. #7 The Brady Bunch (4-7)

Old Doug must’ve missed the pamphlets for the revolution because this dude is on a hot 4-game losing streak. No reason to be afraid of this guy unless you’re made of scissors. Just a little Thor: Ragnarok joke there for ya. But seriously, the only thing worse than Doug’s fantasy team is his commitment to the Squad. Old Doug can’t stay in the Kareem Hunt for the playoffs as Paul goes Hulk on this “contender.”

Hulk > Old Doug

 #8 Hollas Heavy Hitters (4-7) vs. #10 G-reg 3rd Leg (3-8) *GAME OF THE WEEK*

I’m not really sure who’s gonna end up winning this high scoring bloodbath, but if I had to choose I’d probably pick the one who fucks moms over the one who fucks himself. But hey, nobody jerks you off better than yourself. Ska starts to wonder how many first rounders it would take to have a better fantasy team and Holla ignores us all until the dues are owed for next season. Nonetheless, Ska pulls down his pants to show us his 3rd leg and takes this Hillbilly Showdown with vengeance to silence all the haters once and for all.

Hillybilly #1 > Hillbilly #2

Well that does it for me. I hope you took offense to all my jokes and if we’re not friends anymore it’s probably for the better. Tony Stark, out.

[cloudy-johnnycade]

ALL OF THE ASKS

good lord

1: Marvel or DC?

marvel all the way my dudes

2: Do you have any siblings?

yep, i have an older brother

3: Do you watch anime subbed or dubbed?

i don’t watch anime :// but if i did i guess i’d watch it subbed??

4: How old are you?

16 :)

5: What is your favorite sport?

does dance count?? imma say it does

6: Favorite soda/beverage?

m i l k

7: What is your favorite tv show?

stranger things or chicago med or oitnb 

8: Do you marathon shows or watch a few episodes at a time?

it depends, but usually a few episodes at a time 

9: How often do you exercise?

uhh i have gym class every day if that counts lmao

10: Do you wear makeup? How often?

i usually wear it every day but sometimes it just doesn’t happen ya know what i’m saying

11: Favorite Disney movie?

OH GOSH I LOVE ALL OF THEM but i really like beauty and the beast, the nightmare before christmas, and monsters inc!!

12: Would you rather watch a movie or a tv show?

a movie

13: Do you have your driver’s license?

i’m old enough but not yet :’) SOON THOUGH

14: What is your favorite animal?

i like dogs and goats and sea lions 

15: Black widow or Catwoman?

black widowwwwwww

16: favorite youtuber?

dan and phil!! they come as a package deal

17: What is your earliest memory?

i remember my grandparents old dog biting me when i tried to give her a cookie?? 

18: Favorite video game?

idfk mario kart?? i’m not much of a gamer lol

19: What is your biggest pet peeve?

ESBFKSI I HAVE SO MANY PET PEEVES IM SO NUTS but i haaaaate when people put their phone down but leave it on. like. TURN THAT SHIT OFF JUST PRESS THE GODDAMN BUTTON AND BAM ITS DONE

20: Dinosaurs or dragons?

dinosaurs are the shit bro i love them ((velociraptors are the best))

21: What is the worst injury you have ever had?

i mean i’ve had 2 back surgeries but those weren’t for injuries so idk if that counts,,, but i broke my arm once?

22: What piercings do you have/want?

i just have my ears pierced, but i wanna get more piercings on my ears! like my doubles and cartilage and shit

23: Any tattoos? if not, would you get any?

i don’t have any but lowkey i wanna get a small one somewhere,, even though my parents will murder me

24: Sexual orientation?

idk im confused rn ugh

25: What is your best subject in school?

i think i can genuinely say i don’t have one?? i just suck at everything??

26: What is your favorite book series?

the selection,,,or the maze runner,,,

27: Do you have a crush on anyone currently?

ye kinda

28: Single or in a relationship?

single but ready to mingle *puts on shades and does finger guns*

29: What character would you most like to cosplay?

hmmmmmmmm beverly marsh?? even though i could probably never pull it off??

30: Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

introvert

31: Cats or dogs?

i used to be a cat person but not aNYMORE BITCHES I LIVE FOR PUPPERS i still love cats though 

32: What is the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to you?

i was born

33: Tell me a story.

one time in middle school i was walking to class with my friend and i was talking shit about a teacher and lord behold turns out the teacher was right behind us!!! i don’t think he heard me but god if he did i swear i would have ended my life right then and there

34: What is the strangest thing you’ve ever seen someone wear?

i’ve seen a lot of weird clothing choices but someone came to school dressed as a taco once

35: Where in the world would you most like to travel?

france!

36: Favorite Pokemon?

uhhhh squirtle i guess?

37: favorite color?

purple

38: Are you religious?

i’m catholic but i’m probably the worst catholic ever ngl

39: Post a selfie

im ugly but i’ll post one in a separate post lmao

40: Have you ever left your home country/state?

yep

41: Do you prefer to travel by car or airplane?

roadtrips can be fun but airplanes are just,,,faster

42: Are you a fan of rollercoasters?

I LVOE ROLLERCOASTERS

43: What is your favorite OTP?

jonahmin ;) @dork-glasses

44: Who is your favorite Disney princess?

belle!!

45: Who is your favorite Disney prince?

eric!!

46: Who is your favorite Disney villain?

i like ursula, syndrome, captain hook, i can’t pick a fav aheofsod

47: Do you sing along to the radio?

sometimes yeah!!

48: Who is your favorite Harry Potter character?

dobby :’)

49: Any headcanons?

for what??

50: If you could have one of the Deathly Hallows (cloak of invisibility, Elder Wand, or Resurrection Stone), which would it be?

cloak of invisibility hoes ((just bc i fucking love that “MY DICK FELL OFF” vine))

51: What house would you be in Hogwarts?

imma say slytherin 

52: When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

i told my mom i love her last night idk man lol

53: Do you have any weird habits?

idk if this is necessarily weird but i’m CONSTANTLY touching my hair like its bad

54: What do you do when you’re bored?

sleep

55: What is the strangest thing you’ve seen at Walmart?

i don’t go to walmart that much tbh,,,i’m afraid i don’t really have a good story for ya,,,

56: What color are your eyes?

green

57: What is your natural hair color?

like a light brown kinda thing

58: Have you ever broken a bone? How?

i broke my arm by crawling off a couch

59: What is your favorite food?

pasta!!

60: What do you look for in a relationship?

cuddles&memes

61: If you could live in any era, which would it be and why?

bring me to the 80s goddammit 

62: How late do you usually stay up?

depends on the day. like a school day i’ll be in bed around 11 but on a weekend i have literally no sleep schedule lmao

63: What is your favorite website?

tumblr dot com idk i guess i don’t have one lol

64: Have you been to any concerts?

yep, six (paul mccartney, big time rush, 5sos, 1d, green day, and harry styles)

65: Are you involved in any extracurriculars at school?

i’m in orchestra but like i guess that doesn’t count bc its technically a class

66: If you could be the opposite gender for a day, what would you do?

beat my meat

67: What are you most proud of?

golly gee idk…….i’m proud of being in some honors classes??

68: Do you have any big regrets?

i regret everything

69: What was the best day of your life?

the day i saw harry styles!!!! love him more than anything!!!!!

70: Do you crack your knuckles?

unfortunately i hate meself

71: Do you play any instruments?

yes i sure do

72: First kiss story?

lmao thats funny

73: Do you like hot or cold weather?

cold weather 

74: What is your favorite song of all time?

i have so many i hate this question

75: Any weird talents?

my fingers are really fuckin weird and flexible it scares people sometimes 

[leagueofawesomedudes]

Week 9 Preview

Well fellas, we’re officially entering in to the second half of the NFL season and I don’t know about the rest of you, but I am exhausted. I think it’s a combination of the 3 AM Free Agency wake up calls and this past Halloween weekend where the majority of us were either blacked out or rolling tits from Friday 9pm until we went to work on Monday morning (except for Chad, who had to use some PTO because he’s such a beta nowadays.) Anyways, since we’re at the halfway point of the season and since TJ didn’t want to issue his personal (pointless?) mid-szn power rankings, I figured I would take this time to at least revisit his initial pre-szn rankings and see what he got right and what he got wrong as of the current mid-szn standings. I mainly wanted to do this because the matchups aren’t overly exciting this week with lots of teams on bye and since nobody is really beefing with each other currently (minus the entire city of Cleveland against the Browns organization). Don’t worry, I’ll eventually get into the matchups/predictions, but strap in because this is going to be a long one - I took work off to do this.

Grading the Caito Rankings - Preseason Edition

To refresh everyone’s memories Tj categorized us into 3 different sections (wow what a fucking racist) dynasties, wild cards and tankers. I am not going to rerank everyone because the standings speak for themselves (duh). I am just going to grade Tj’s original predictive categories.

Dynasties:

Holla’s Heavy Hitters - Wow, right off the bat and Tj couldn’t have been further from being correct as the heavy hitters are currently sitting in last place (tied) with a 2-6 record. Grant it, he has the third most points scored against him, so maybe attribute his poor record to bad matchup luck. Holla will need to climb the leaderboard as high as his friends were Saturday night in order to reach the playoffs. 

2. Crow’s Before Hoes - With all of the trades Pauly has made he has definitely solidified himself as a top contender this year (despite losing his leader Watson for the rest of the season a few hours ago) and has claimed his rightful throne as the LOAD’s 2017 official Trade Guy. 

3. Julio Tones - Tj bet on himself as being one of the top dawgs this year and he has proven it to be true. He’s also probably going to be super pissed after he sees that I am doing all of this, but content is king. People would’ve read your rankings no matter what their preconceived notions were about them ;)....Anyways zeke is spinning right back into that 6 game suspension so let’s see how your squad holds up without everyone’s favorite bucknut.

4. 2 Gurleys 1 Cup - Sam is a perennial contender so this was an obvious pick, however with this past weekend’s rape allegations and with his recent outlandish drug intakes during OU’s Homecoming and Halloween in Cle should he be considered for a 6 game suspension just as much as Tj’s top player? LOAD Presidente will need to address this.... #LockHimUp.

Wild Cards:

5.  Jon SnOBJs - Chad is and will always be a wild card, on and off the court. Just look at some of these pics from last weekend:

6. Little Diggs - Tj underestimated my powers like Obi Wan underestimated Anakin’s. But in this ending, Anakin (Little Diggs) will slay down Obi Wan (Julio Tones) in the duel on Mustafar (fantasy championship) altering the fantasy landscape forever.

 Tankers

7. The Injured Reserve - Casey’s more of a wild card currently sitting in at 4th place, but that David Johnson injury will most likely crawl back to hurt him just like his piss crawls down everyones couches.

8. Ain’t EZ Bein Breesy - Solden’s definitely trying, I’ll give him that. But maybe a little too much time has been focused on Mel instead of his lineup?

9.  The Brady Bunch - Tj thought this was one of the worst rosters drafted and looking at Doug’s starting lineup it’s actually solid all around. He has mitigated his risk by diversifying in all different sectors and taking long and short positions all at the correct time. Dude manages his roster just like his....wait for it.....401k plan. Nice.

10. G-reg 3rd leg - Bingo. Tj thought this was the worst roster in the beginning of the season and so far it has performed that way. Even though Watson just went down today, I bet if Bennet would’ve picked up Waston instead of the guy who likes to kiss titties in his mom’s mini van he would have a better record.

But it doesn’t really matter because the rest of the his roster kinda looks like this:

Alright Tj hasn’t done that bad so far, couple big misses, couple spot on hits. Maybe he can do a year end recap before he retires from fantasy at the end of the season.....Anyways, on to the week 9 matchups:

Ain’t EZ Bein Breesy (3-5; 8th place) vs. The Brady Bunch (4-4; 6th place)

The craziest trade deadline in the history of the NFL just passed and somehow three of the biggest names involved were both on Doug’s team. No way Doug has ever been apart of something more wild. Kelvin Benjamin and Jay Ajayi on their new teams will look to add some extra firepower to Doug’s already well balanced team. Who’s the third name you might ask? Doug scooped up the second coming of Christ AKA Flash Gordon to make his roster for more lit, literally.  The only way Solden can win this one is if he steals Doug’s phone, benches all of his players and then slips some ecstacy in Doug’s drink and hopes he ends up on the Shoreway towards Lakewood Sunday morning before he can get a chance to set his lineup. If not, then Doug wins this easily.

Rachel’s Boyfriend > Mel’s Boyfriend  

Holla’s Heavy Hitters (2-6; 9th place) vs. Julio Tones (6-2; 1st place - allegedly)

I won’t spend much time on this one as Tony’s first place squad should easily handle Holla’s last, especially after Hopkins just lost Watson. However, who would have thought that Holla would’ve turned down doing X with all of his friends and that TJ would be the one rolling face in a gaylord focker nurse’s costume at an EDM concert? Hopefully TJ isn’t letting this whole first place thing get to his head though and starts getting out of control like Manziel did after winning the Heisman....I mean a totally new and ridiculous haircut/mustache, a serious girlfriend, "running” in marathons and oh here’s a new one...being shady to paul:

Not caring about Paul? Wow, careful Teej, Uncle Ben once said, “with great power comes great responsibility”... Tread lightly with that first place title...

Gaylord Focker > Holla

2 Gurleys 1 Cup (5-3; 3rd place) vs. The Injured Reserve (5-3; 4th place)

Sam’s a fucking rapist. 

Casey > Rapey

Little Diggs (6-2; 2nd place) vs. Jon SnOBJs (3-5; 7th place)

Putting past performances aside, I think this week’s matchup between Chad and I will actually turn out to be extremely close. 3 of my usual starters are on bye and the rest are in shit matchups. I think in order for me to pull this one out I’m going to need Chad to pull one of these on Sunday morning and forget to set his lineup:

Passed out in 425′s lobby at 8 am.....what a fucking rookie....

PFT > Big Cat

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK:

G-reg 3rg leg (2-6; 10th place) vs. Crows before Hoes (4-4; 5th place)

I am not sure this should actually be the matchup of the week based on both rosters, but it will definitely be the one that everyone has their eyes on due to the big shakeup that happened today. Deshaun “Better Than Mitch” Watson tore his ACL on a non-contact injury late this afternoon and man will that injury change the landscape across the NFL and Fantasy worlds alike. Not only did pauly lose his leader, but he just traded for Deshaun’s best deep threat in Will Fuller. Didn’t you learn anything from all those years at OU hanging with Doug? Never put all your eggs in one basket...Diversify, Diversify, Diversify. However I think the 2 happiest people in regards to the Watson injury, were the browns analytics department and Matthew the Snowman Bennett. This dude HATES black quarterbacks. He says it’s because of historical trends and that none of them have ever been more than a flash in the pan (dude russell wilson?), but maybe it’s because the Snowman knows no other color besides white ; )

Anyways, if Paul decides to accept one of my trades or at the very least picks up another QB (might I suggest CJ Beathard because that last name is fucking gold) he should be able to pull this one out.

Little Guy > Big Guy

Alright men that is it for Little DIggs this week. Hopefully you all enjoyed. Remember to keep taking that vitamin C and pushing those fluids, the weekend begins tomorrow.

Peace and Good Luck, 

Dom

[leagueofawesomedudes]

Week 3 Preview

LOAD Week 3 Preview

Sup fellas, Little Digs AKA Dmorale AKA Rookie in the LOAD checking in to give you handsome Germans the first of a 2 week break from the self-proclaimed LOAD Presidente’s weekly previews. Not only must it be refreshing to hear someone else’s voice on the message board, but it also must be refreshing to everyone to see someone else (it’s me... #HumbleBrag) at the top of standings other than Javale McGee…. oh, I mean Sam, the guy who willingly left the GroupMe this week because he couldn’t handle a couple comparisons to Brian Shaw, Robert Perez, John Rocker (post steroids/cocaine use) etc., AKA people who can’t close. It’s ok Sam, at least you understand the simple things in life, such as, when you get blacked out you like to eat at my friends, the restaurant, not one of our friend’s apartments. Also, you understand how our league’s waiver wire works unlike your arch frenemy, Tony Junior… Tony, Tony, Tony, maybe if you would stop focusing on which timezone the waivers run in, or trying to get rid of kickers from the league (Pat Mcafee would be PISSED), maybe you would realize that Eddie Lacy’s fatass was never going to save his career in Seattle (seriously MSESPN came out with an article this week where Lacy openly talked about how ginormous he is and how he can’t handle the pressure), and how the Colts front office is playing their fans into thinking Andrew Luck is coming back this year. You need to relax with all of your wild morning GroupMeideas and get back to training for that marathon, or better yet buying a monthly star wars subscription that delivers to you cool new graphic tees and action figures!! However, you’re currently in second place and have some big things in store for you this season.

Ain’t EZ Bein Breesy (0-2) vs Julio Tones (2-0)

And those big things are starting right here, where Gay Tony will square off against Sir Fucks A Lot this week. Don’t get it twisted though, the only pounding that will be taking place here is Tony jamming his 3 inch dinger (he’s got yuge nuts though) down Solden’s team’s throat. At least something will be getting shot down your throat this week Solden, unlike that one time I forgot to buy you tequila at FWD ;) ANYWAYS, the obvious advantage here is the RBs for Julio Tones, but expect Carr to outscore Brees this week, despite the projections, due to Drew’s significant Home/Road splits. Also, look for Ertz to outscore Gronk due to the Giants being atrocious against Tight Ends, and Robby G having a sore groin after returning from New Orleans. Wait a second... sore groin? After Bourbon Street? Are we sure he isn’t dealing with a Chad like pimple instead? Solden, if there is one redeeming quality here, I think Pryor finally gets his connection down pat with Captain Kirk after facing a leaky Raiders secondary, and Desean to catch a long TD against the suspect Trae Waynes.

Julio Tones > Ain’t Easy Bein Breesy

Hollas Heavy Hitters (1-1) vs G-reg 3rd leg (0-2)

Holla is coming off one of the most impressive and high scoring losses we will see this season, and now he has a chance to rebound against the worst team in the league, allegedly. But hold your horsecocks everyone, and by everyone I mean Javale McGee, I mean Sam. Hollas core players might be dealing with a little hangover after last week and could pose to have a tougher time finding the paint this week than Tj can find his little pecker. New England will likely focus their defensive game plan on taking away Hopkins from his rookie QB, Alshon is going up against a shutdown corner in Janoris Jenkins, Martavis is playing on the road where the Steelers tend to struggle offensively, Delanie will have to deal with the Legion of Boom and Mccoy fucked my mom will be going up against an improved Denver run D that just held Zeke to under 10 yards. Speaking of women abusers, I expect the dude who cold clocks chicks at T-Bell at 2am to be more involved in Bill Lazor’s new offense this week (Bungals featuring thugs? No shit).  Also, look for Cooks to be finally featured in the NE offense with all of the injuries they sustained last week. One thing my favorite snowman can bank on though is IF Jordy plays AND is healthy, look for Rodgers to have a big day back at Lambeau following the SNF let down where both his starting tackles were inactive. I think ya’ll can see where I am going with this, UPSET of the WEEK!

G-reg 3rd leg > Hollas Heavy Hitters

Little Diggs (2-0) vs. The Injured Reserve (1-1)

Your narrator for the week and current team in first place by more than 40 points will be going up against this year’s most unlucky team to date. Casey who lost his first round pick for the year in week 1, had his second round pick’s team realize that a guy with a similar frame to Pauly, is actually way better than their current starter in week 2. With that being said, my team is hotter right now than the previously mentioned Pauly and I don't know if they can be stopped. Our QBs should nearly cancel each other out, but my RBs and TE should provide a significant edge over Casey’s due to the talent/workload/matchup combination mine provide this week. One thing Casey has going for his team are his explosive WRs, but with TyFreak going against Casey Heyward this week and Watkins playing in what might be the worst game of the year on Thursday night, their high scoring games are unlikely to occur this week. Does this have a chance to be a blowout this weekend? Idk, but we should hit up Daher and find out.

Little Diggs > The Injured Reserve

Jon SnOBJs (1-1) vs 2 Gurleys 1 Cup (1-1)

When deciding on what to dub the game of the week it came down to this matchup and the one that is to follow. However, I decided to take the easy route out by settling and simply calling this the BEEF of the Week. Things started quickly this week, when the guy who he views himself as the most alpha person in Cleveland (allegedly) called Sam out for not being able to close (allegedly). Things really snowballed from there when me, Solden, Pauly and Tony all joined in on the fun (allegedly) causing Sam to remove himself from the GroupMe because he couldn’t handle the heat (allegedly). The football guy move would’ve been to hold down the trenches and clap back at everyone. Well, that’s not what he did, but here’s his chance to get back at everyone. Chad’s WRs are either banged up or not in the most ideal spot, unlike Sam’s who are in awesome situations this week. Sam’s RBs are substantially better than Chad’s and I like Doyle to outproduce Hooper this week. I think if Chad is to pull this one out, like he did with Basset, then he needs Cam to absolutely shred the Saint’s swiss cheese defense, which is entirely possible, but without Greg Olsen’s third leg providing Cam a safety blanket it might be tougher than usual. Pickle shot Jameo is in for a tough bout against the Vikes, but let’s see what you got, Sammy. Show us you’re not really Javale McGee and close this pig out.

2 Gurleys 1 Cup > Jon SnOBJs

GAME OF THE WEEK

The Brady Bunch (1-1) vs. Crows before Hoes (1-1)

Tan vs. Grey has all the makings of a shootout starting with the Thursday night game where Doug’s kicker is sure to rack up a bunch of points in the field goal fest that will take place tonight. Seriously, the NFL repeatedly tweeted out this week that “if it’s on, it’s on.” Basically toying with all of us that no matter how shitty of a product they nationally televise, all of us football junkies will still watch. Anyways, this shootout will continue through the 1pm games where Doug’s two sex panthers should finally explode this week against the saints D. Watch out, Doug, Jay Ajayi should steamroll through the Jets D and Pauly already had me call my guy to book it that the Crow will get over 12 fantasy points. Paul’s typical Sunday night consists of laying the hammer down on Bean, however, this Sunday it’s going to be Doug’s tight little b-hole. Cousins, Crabtree and Reed are all poised for big games here. However, I expect this matchup to be determined by the outcome on Monday night. If Old Man Larry can outscore Dez and JJ, Paul will come out victorious. With Patrick Peterson expected to shadow Dez, I think Paul pulls this one out, but where he finishes, that is yet to be determined ;)

Crows before Hoes > The Brady Bunch

That is it for this week fellas. Hope you guys enjoyed. Special shoutout to LOAD Presidente for letting me take over for the week. Next week’s preview will be brought to you by Sir Fucks A Lot Solden. Thanks and good luck to everyone this weekend…. except Casey. Love you all - Dom.