#if you literally take them out they’ll be fucking dead probably

[amberr-r]

havent posted my art in a good minute

have my objectified oc..

[wastemanjohn]

fic masterlist

wincest and daddycest. follow the smell of dead doves under the cut :)

sam/dean:

when i'm down on your knees you're how i pray Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 13,703; Warnings: Incest

Summary: It’s not as if Sam doesn’t know what makes Dean tick, after all. He can’t have forgotten all the fantasies Dean has shared with him over the years, even the really nasty, violent ones that flushed Sam's cheeks a glaring scarlet, evoked awed responses like "Jesus, Dean, you’re really into stuff like that?" Dean didn't mind - quite liked watching Sam squirm, actually - and he'd long since accepted that he’d likely never get Sam on board with acting out the more grisly tales buried deep in his spank bank. But then again, Sam is different since he...

Dean still can’t use the words “Sam” and “died” together in the same sentence.

some unholy war

Rating: Explicit; 12,328 words; Warnings: Incest, Canon-Typical Violence

Summary: Somewhere between a bar fight and the end of the world, Sam and Dean learn to take care of each other again.

exit light

Rating: Mature; Word Count: 3,730; Warnings: Incest

Summary: Tonight doesn’t smooth over all the ways their lives are in ruins, hand back all that he and Dean have lost, atone for all the things it’s driven them to. It certainly doesn’t change the fact that one year from now, Dean is going to die. 

heart of a dog

Rating: Explicit, Word Count: 2k, Warnings: Incest, Sam is 17

Summary: They were supposed to be going to the fucking laundromat. But that was almost four hours ago, and Sam can smell the musty sweat wafting through from where their clothes are still festering in the trunk. He should really have learned by now not to trust Dean, when he insists on his little bar detours on the way - just a quick one, Sammy, don’t be such a little bitch. The thing is, the chances of it being a quick one are always about as slim as Sam’s patience right now; and a quick one always evolves into half the damn bar when a pretty young thing catches Dean’s eye.

Her name is Daisy. Dean’s probably forgotten that by now. He’s definitely forgotten about Sam. 

♡♡♡♡

john/dean and sam/dean:

what it is

Rating: Explicit; 48,258 words; Warnings: Non Con Elements, Incest, Canon Typical Violence

Summary: Everything that has ever gone wrong for Sam and Dean starts and ends with John.

i don't mean to suggest that i loved you the best

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 1,930; Warnings: Incest

Summary: Dean’s need is a dark pit, a bleak, bottomless thing, and that’s the pull. That’s the lure, for John. People who need the way Dean does, people who want to crawl inside the ones they love and live there forever, they’re easy to control. They’ll do anything for you. John finds that fucking irresistible.

Sam hates his father. But he understands him perfectly.

with new bones in your closet

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 4,890; Warnings: Incest, BDSM

Summary: It’s almost funny. It’s almost too predictable that Dean would do this for John, be this for John, take his submission to all too literal levels.

destructive love is all i am

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 604; Warnings: Incest

Summary: Things like this don't just go away.

love is

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 2323; Warnings: Incest, Non Con

Summary: Love is all you are.

shimmer and rot

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 3012, Warnings: Non Con, implied CSA

Summary: That witching hour loneliness can eat you alive.

snuff

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 4552; Warnings: Incest, Homicidal thoughts, Sam is 17

Summary: There's nothing good on TV, and Sam's contemplating killing his father again.

the world was so easily won

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 3153; Warnings: Dub Con Elements, Incest, Violence

Summary: The bites are about five days old now. They’re not healing well, skin-split punctures and raised pinks and purples. Any forming scabs have chafed raw all over again under Dean’s clothes. And Sam’s running his fingers over the worst ones, almost gentle, like a doctor examining an open wound. There’s nothing at all gentle about Sam’s rage-tight mouth though. Nor his mutter of, “I’ll fucking kill him.”

♡♡♡♡

johndean

toss me a breath when you hold me down

Rating: Explicit; 1624 words; Warnings: Incest, consensual non consent

Summary: It's never been quite like this.

and if you crave it then you know that you are injured

Explicit; 3593 words; Warnings: Non Con Elements and a very nasty John

Summary: He doesn’t even flinch when John’s hand comes down on his thigh. Doesn’t pull away when John flutters his lips over the nape of his boy’s neck and whispers, “Why don’t you let me take care of you?”

when i hear your lips make a sound

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 2682; Warnings: Incest

Summary: It's a damn risky thing to do, with Bobby asleep upstairs. But Dean never disobeys his father, and he’s horny as all hell. It’s not a prime combination for sensible decision making.

i heard love is blind

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 12,764; Warnings: Incest; addition of John/OMC

Summary: There are a few shadowy figures on the sidewalk, the night’s offerings left on the shelf. They're all boys, their frames slight and their legality dubious. They look up at the sight of John’s headlights, but he keeps his head forward and carries on driving. He’s seen exactly what he’s looking for just up the street.

The boy is alone. He's a cookie cutter street whore, all mesh and tight pants. John can see the ghostly entrails of his breath, the skinny arms wrapped around his chest like chains. When John winds down his window, the kid steps forward in a tired, non-urgent sort of way. His lack of pretence is appealing.

John checks him over to make doubly sure that he's the right choice. He’s tall. His hipbones jut a little, distorting his tight pants, the waistband flapping over his barely there stomach. His hair is a few shades light of brown; it's short, but chunky and uneven, like he's cut it himself without a mirror. When John peers closer, he can see that the kid's lips are full and pink. That definitely helps. He's not to John's exact specifications, especially with his completely absent bulk, but he'll do. Beggars, choosers, all that noise.

and you learn how to settle for what you get

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 3,163; Warnings: Dub Con, Incest

Summary: Yet John chooses this, over and over again. John loves Dean more than he loves anything.

sharp teeth, dry heat

Rating: Explicit; Words: 2504; Warnings: Incest, grief (addition of dean/ofc)

Summary: Your world was terrifying, and John knew how hard he was to love.

someone forever warm

Rating: Explicit; Words: 4290; Warnings: Incest

Summary: He takes a moment to enjoy the thought that John has slayed the monster, now he’s come to claim his prize.

trade

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 771; Warnings: Non Con Elements

Summary: You'll hide from mirrors until the marks fade away.

nowhere boy

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 2528; Archive Warnings: Incest

Summary: The true meaning of Christmas is family, and all that crap. Everyone always forgets about Jesus. Probably a good thing, Dean thinks, as he adjusts the red ribbon around his neck with its dumb little bow and checks himself out one last time in the smudged bathroom mirror. Jesus definitely wouldn’t approve of what he’s about to do.

quiet room

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 1878; Archive Warnings: Non Con, Incest, BDSM

Summary: This is what love looks like.

the dark is light enough

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 3219; Archive Warnings: Incest

Summary: It's hard, with the lights on. Lights on, with his boy so close John can hear his pulse; see the freckles dusting the tops of his thighs, the strip of fine hair from his belly button down to his groin; pert pink nipples on a chest that blushes from the middle out when he's excited, all these intimate details John shouldn't know; but he sits with it, he breathes it in and he lives with it. The closeness; the vulnerability; like an exposed nerve.

Yeah, it's hard, hard to face this. Who they are, what they've become. But John isn't doing it to punish himself. He's doing this for Dean.

yesterday's hymn

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 1323; Warnings: Non Con; past CSA: addition of original male character

Summary: A bad man doesn't pawn his soul so his son can live.

so many moving parts

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 7302; Archive Warnings: Incest

Summary: And sure, no one’s actually said the word anniversary, but they've never had a day like this before.

when the stiff wind blows

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 8625; Warnings: Incest, BDSM

Summary: Dean is in tune with John's patterns and emotions, even some four states outside of their blast radius; and when John withdraws, Dean chases. Dean knows his absence, his distance, when John is not fucking handling it. And somewhere along the way - he learned how to help.

then leave me the bones

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 6816; Warnings: Heavy Angst, Incest, Dub Con

Summary: John’s moods are like a slow growing tumor. Easy to miss at first. Causing all kinds of problems when it's too late.

stutter

Rating: Mature; Word Count: 1655; Warnings: Incest

Summary: You know there is so much harm Dad could do in these moments, if he were so inclined. He as good as says it himself sometimes, with his quiet promises of I'd never hurt you, Dean, like a pre-emptive hail Mary for his sin.

♡♡♡♡

johndeanna:

now bleed for me

Rating: Explicit; Words: 3689; Warnings: Incest, Gunplay

Summary: John comes back unsteady, whisky on his tongue, scents of tobacco and cheap perfume clinging to the jacket Deanna loves to wear, because it’s so heavy and big on her, it smothers her like a hug. My dad, Deanna thinks, broken in all the same spots she is, yet so remote. My dad.

i've loved all i've needed, love

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 4602; Warnings: Incest

Summary: She never seemed to realize that her daddy's a piece of shit. John hates the way she found out.

this dream is for you (so pay the price)

Rating: Explicit; Words: 2,333; Warnings: Incest

Summary: So John comes to her, during that weird time that's not really morning or night, comes to her after they've finished half a bottle of Jack and a pack of Lucky Strike between them, comes to her with everything on his face that sits heavy and acidic in Deanna's heart.

all you wanna do

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 10,178; Warnings: Incest, Misogyny

Summary: For the prompt: Deanna’s boyfriend gives her a red lingerie set for Christmas that she opens in front of John (optional: Sam). After OMC is sent home with a chastisement, John makes her show them off to him. Or, Deanna has started dating and John is a fucking creep about it.

a simple motion

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 2353; Warnings: Incest

Summary: But watching her - watching her is different. Watching isn't touching, and there's no law against that.

i'll be your mirror

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 2551; Warnings: Incest, Misogyny

Summary: The girl in his bed isn’t quite his wife, but in the glowy relative darkness she has room to morph. 

one day like this

Rating: Mature; Word Count: 6182; Warnings: Incest, grief

Summary: Sam goes through his father's old photos.

♡♡♡♡

sam/john

coming up roses everywhere

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 14618; Warnings: Incest, Sam is 17

Summary: Where John wasn't planning to snoop around Sam's laptop, but his boy seems to be hiding something.

♡♡♡♡

john/dean and sam/john

don't say you need me when you leave and you leave again (samjohn only quietly implied)

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 8,224; Warnings: Non Con Elements; implied sexual abuse

Summary: Maybe Dad felt the kind of loneliness that ate away at your soul until you lost sight of the fact that you were even alive, maybe Dad needed to grab the nearest willing body and pull it close, close.

♡♡♡♡

dean/mary

this be the verse

Rating: Explicit; Word Count 6822; Warnings: Big Non Con warning for this one. Additional pairings: johndean

Summary: There are a lot of things that Dean doesn’t tell Mary about her husband. It’s best that John stays 27 in her head forever, like Hendrix or something, young and beautiful and fucked up in a pretty unremarkable way.

♡♡♡♡

dean/fem!Sam

when the earth moves again

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 1947; Warnings: Incest, somnophilia

Summary: It was something. Something that felt good; something that some part of him was willing to give her, even if it wasn't conscious, even if it wasn't much. And hell, Sam didn't have much in life that made her feel good.

♡♡♡♡

sam/fem!dean

hunky dory

Rating: Mature; Word Count: 4917; Warnings: Incest, pregnancy resulting from incest

Summary: Deanna went out this afternoon. For hours. Didn't say where she was going; but it's got to be the first time she's left Bobby's place in weeks. She left her phone behind on the nightstand, in this way that Sam couldn't help but suspect was intentional, because there had to be something about that; had to be something in the way Deanna caught Sam's eye through the window as she was coming back, all slow down the path with Dad's jacket over her shoulders and this tight expression on her face. Something in the way Deanna had sharply changed direction at the sight of Sam, veering off until she faded into the salvage yard and Sam couldn't see her anymore. And it's not that Sam meant to be hovering near the front of the house at the exact moment of her return like a worried parent, but shit happens.

Let her be, son, Bobby had said, without looking up from his scotch and that leatherbound demonology book he'd been annotating all day. Harder you push, the more she's gonna clam up.

It bothers Sam when Bobby talks like that, like he knows Deanna better than Sam does or something. As for letting her be - well, if Bobby knows Sam at all, he's got a strange way of showing it

♡♡♡♡

john/original male character

safe in the dark (how can you see?)

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 2492; Archive Warnings: Non Con Elements

Summary: Because maybe there was something about Dad's energy that fizzled with those weary neon lights; and Dad still didn't say much, and Sam still can't read the man's mind, but you don't live for eighteen years close enough to rub up against each others last nerve without learning how to spot when something might be wrong. And theres always something wrong with Dad - he's sour faced and miserable, the cause of that changes day by day - but he'd been so insistent. You don't leave this car, Sammy, okay? This guy's a loose cannon. I don't want him to see you.

Sam had snorted, and Dad had looked at him with resigned contempt; but it had faded quickly, and there'd been that something Sam couldn't put his finger on as Dad had got out of the car. Something about the way he didn't look to check Sam was obeying, something stilted in his footsteps. Something that made Sam log the path he took across the parking lot, register the room number he knocked on. The door had opened, and Dad had gone inside, but it had closed so quickly that Sam hadn't been able to see the guy. The loose cannon.

[a-dumb-sarcastic-bisexual]

More Nimona headcanons because these dorks have taken over my brain

I feel like Nimona tried really hard to hate Ambrosius

The first month they knew each other Nimona tried so hard to antagonize him and poke fun at him and remind him of the shit he’s done wrong 

But it’s kind of hard to hate someone who’s slow to anger and quick to forgive 

Reminding someone of their past mistakes with the intent to hurt them kind of stops being fun when the person is constantly aware of their mistakes 

And owns up to them without making excuses and is constantly trying to undo the damage their mistakes caused  

After a while, he grows on her and she starts to trust him and in return he trusts her

This one is based heavily on me and my best friends 

Nimona and Ambrosius will talk shit loudly in public 

They won’t use code names and if they don’t know the person they’ll start describing them like “Did you see that dude in the yellow shirt? He just pushed that kid out of line what a dick!”

They won't check to see if the person is out of earshot either they simply don't give a fuck

And this gives Bal so much fucking anxiety enough that he starts pleading with them to stop

You hear them going off about something and Bal saying “Ambrosius love hun sunshine I’m begging you to keep your voice down” 

“Nim Nimona starlight hi I would like to remind you that they’re still behind us and I don’t want to explain to Ambrosius why you’ve gotten into another fight this week so please stop” 

To which Nimona responds with “Tell him he’ll probably laugh”

Whenever Nimona and Ambrosius want to rant they rant to each other 

Because Bal is the type of person to give advice in the middle of a rant 

Talking some “If you explain this to them in a calm and compassionate manner I’m sure they’ll stop”

And while that's excellent advice sometimes you just want to scream your most unhinged thoughts at someone 

And they never judge each other either 

Nimona can look Ambrosius dead in the eyes and go “Have you ever gotten so angry during an argument that you’ve considered lighting their car on fire?” 

And Ambrosius won't even think about it he’ll respond immediately with a “Who hasn't?” while Bal slowly backs out of the room and silently vows to hide his car the next time they fight 

Whenever Ambrosius comes home from a stressful day at work he just walks into the house and lets out the most dramatic drawn out sigh 

And whenever Nimona hears that noise they’ll run to the living room and sit on the couch patiently waiting for their daily rant session 

Whenever Nimona gets home and wants to rant he’ll walk around until he finds Ambrosius

And if he can't find him he’ll sit by Bal and stew in his anger while he waits for him to come home 

He can't even take one step through the door without Nimona saying something like “How dare you make me wait” 

And Ambrosius will always respond with something like “Oh I’m so sorry firecracker it’ll never happen again”

And encourage them to tell him the information they’ve been patiently waiting to spill

Bal doesn’t rant unless he’s literally at the end of his rope

Like you have to royally screw him over for him to go home and rant to his family 

When he finally rants to them they don’t make a big deal out of it 

But they do however try their best to take care of him without raising his suspicions 

Nimona will conveniently make Bal’s favorite dinner 

Ambrosius will just so happen to pick up his favorite dessert on his way home (cause they both know the signs of a Bal rant and they plan accordingly) 

They listen to his rant and let him eat his favorite food in peace while they play his favorite movies 

You know real wholesome shit 

All the while they’re coming up with plans in their head to destroy this person's life

[badaziraphaletakes]

It’s not necessarily a fully bad Aziraphale take but I feel like the ‘other who can’t admit their queer’ is pointed at him

Thanks for the submission @gretinternetllama

Well, they ain't talking about Crowley 💀 LMAO

This is the most privileged, out-of-touch Aziracrow take I have ever seen. If you think the most painful queer trope is “one of them’s scared to admit they’re queer”, then fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

The most painful queer “trope”, BY DEFINITION, is “one or both of them will be violently killed if they openly acknowledge their love”. Like Aziracrow. Like Castiel. (The tragedy of that isn’t that Dean didn’t love him that way. It’s that Castiel DIED for saying he loved him, lmao. It is so insulting to Castiel to suggest that the worst thing that happened to him is not having Dean’s love.) Like the overwhelming majority of queer people throughout human history. Because THAT IS THE DEFINITIVE TRAGEDY OF THE ENTIRE QUEER EXPERIENCE.

Fuck anyone who thinks that not being willing to openly acknowledge your love for your partner because you know it can never go anywhere BECAUSE YOU’LL BOTH BE KILLED FOR IT is internalized homophobia. (I can hear the gays in Russia laughing rn.)

Having said that, though, let’s take a look at the way OP analyzes “internalized homophobia”, because there is PLENTY to be concerned about there as well.

The “can’t *even* ‘bring themselves’ to admit they’re queer” is DISGUSTING. Fuck this person’s judgmental tone. God, the more I read this the angrier I get. (If they’d written a post saying “I feel so bad that Aziraphale is losing his chance at a relationship with Crowley because of his internalized homophobia; that must be so hard”, that would be one thing. They’d still be dead wrong, lol, but at least this take wouldn’t be bigoted crap. But that’s not, remotely, what they said. There is no sympathy or understanding on offer for Aziraphale whatsoever.) NO ONE has the right to judge someone for not being ready to accept that they’re queer. It is NEVER their fault. It is ALWAYS the fault of the disgusting homophobia and queer phobia of our society at large.

And also fuck anyone who judges someone for rejecting another person’s romantic advances. It’s literally never any of our business why they do that. (This is giving me flashbacks to the 2010’s Phantom of the Opera fandom. And that is NOT A GOOD THING, lmao.) Romantic rejection, even for a depressing reason like this, is not the tragedy people seem to think. No one needs to be with any one particular person in order to be happy. This whole thing is giving “oh, the poor person whose love interest won’t date them”.

Move on and find someone who will date you. Plenty more fish in the sea.

I'd say it's actually a lot more tragic for the closeted person, who has probably missed out on a lot of other relationships for the same reason and is hurting very deeply. But again, does OP have any compassion to spare for the characters they've labeled as closeted? Nah.

(Side note: If you can’t bear to date someone who’s in the closet, DON’T DATE THEM! It’s that simple. And for the love of GOD don’t pressure them to come out or blame them for not being willing to do so.)

Also. This whole thing is giving faint vibes of the putting-your-hands-over-your-ears, “la-la-la-if-I-ignore-your-problems-they’ll-just-go-away”, “if you come out, everything will be fine and everyone will magically accept you” trope, which is offensive, harmful, privileged, dangerous bullshit. Love does not always conquer all. Love does not always make everything magically okay.

(When it comes to Aziracrow in particular, it is also VERY MUCH reminiscent of the belief that once victims leave their ab*sers, their ab*sers will leave them alone, which is the POLAR OPPOSITE of what actually happens in those situations.)

The most ridiculous part out of all of this, though, has got to be mentioning Johnlock. 🤣🤣🤣 Um, which one of those two is supposed to be flamboyantly queer, exactly? Lol that’s just sad. We have better queer representation now. Come on.

Not to mention, Sherlock and John’s relationship/friendship/situationship/whatever the fuck we were supposed to think that was, was horrendously toxic. Nothing about the way they behave to each other is “loving”. Sherlock is a terrible person (and istg if I hear ONE SINGLE PERSON try to say it’s not his fault because of “mental illness” or some ableist bullshit like that, I will come after you with an axe) and not a suitable partner for anyone unless he does some seeeerious work on himself. Even supposing John is in love with Sherlcok, he has EVERY REASON IN THE WORLD not to want to date him - and it has fuck-all to do with shame (more flashbacks to the 2010’s Phantom of the Opera fandom lol).

Also... I thought we'd all collectively agreed to move on from Sherlock because it's horrendously anti-Autistic and queerbaity and Cummerbund Bumpersnatch is a vile ableist stain upon the face of humanity whose name I will not utter? Did I miss something lol?

To the next person to demean Good Omens and the precious, beautiful relationship between Aziracrow by lumping it in with crap like 'Sherlock' - we meet at the dueling grounds at dawn.

One final thing to add: Crowley doesn’t want to “scream their love from the rooftops”????? Because he also knows they’ll be killed or worse if they do that??? Canon Crowley is a FAR better person and a far more loving partner than willfully oblivious, damn-the-torpedos fanon Crowley. I wouldn't like this show if Crowley "wanted to scream their love from the rooftops".

There’s a LOT more that should probably be said about this, but my thumbs are tired and my heart is tireder still.

[kitkats-and-kittens]

Spoilers for Pjo.

You know I feel like people should acknowledge how fucked up camp halfblood is more often.

Like everyone always makes fun of New Rome for being uptight and sticklers for the rules, but low-key living at camp halfblood sucks.

The barrier wasn’t even up for a decade before it was broken and before that literal children were sent out to fight monsters despite being promised safety (Ik Talias protection made it slightly better, but still) and during sea of monsters they are once again required to fight as literal kids!

Unlike New Rome there’s no university for the Demigods to go to. Year rounders get tutored by Chiron (presumably) and then what? They have no actual credentials or any records of them graduating from school. Since no one knows about Camp they technically don’t have an address either which sucks if your parents are dead or don’t want you.

We see hardly any adult demigods around camp and I don’t know if they choose to leave or not, but either way they are set up for failure. Chiron tells Percy about the success stories, the people who go on to be Olympic athletes or celebrities due to their half godly nature, but it’s more than likely those are far outweighed by the failures.

Those who died hungry on the streets with no way to get a job and no home to return to. Those who were torn down by monsters without the protection of the camp. Even those who made it constant live with the terror that one day they’ll be found and killed. And what if those people have family’s? Will the monsters hunt them too? And what happens when they get too old to fight?

That’s not even mentioning the trauma they’ll be stuck with their entire lives.

No wonder so many end up joining the Emperors in ToA.

And you know what. Chiron need to take some damn accountability for being a shit mentor. He fucked off for most of the books but even when he talks to Percy about how much he cares he does quite literally nothing about Luke. How did a child manage to manipulate an immortal centaur for years without anyone catching on?

And he doesn’t improve after the war either. Will is made Head of Apollo Cabin at 13. He has two younger siblings and is essentially expected to act as their parent despite still being a child himself. Not to mention he’s the camps head doctor. He’s performed surgery! Which is exhausting and long and something no child should be dealing with. Especially since we know Chiron must have some healing abilities since he literally raised Asclepius.

Will is not paid either. None of them are. He doesn’t get a salary, so free child labour (cough cough exploitation) and after he leaves camp he’ll have no way to prove his medical training to anyone and no way to pay for medical school or even to get in without the appropriate documents.

I don’t like to rant about books but Rick Riordan did not go dark enough with this series and I will say this about his books until the day I die. The light comedic writing style means fucked up shit like this simply slips through the cracks.

There’s still so much I haven’t touched on.

What about the Hephaestus cabin and their curse. How did Chiron just stand by and watch as these kids continually blew themselves up?

Fighting in two wars?

The Romans are a little more fucked up there because we know there are adults who can fight and are simply choosing to send children in their place.

Octavian being quite literally brainwashed into dying for his land.

Jason’s entire backstory.

The fact that most demigod children probably die before ever reaching camp is very much not touched on and it should be.

The fact that camp halfblood is hidden with the mist means that no one knows where the year rounders are. Which is weird when you think a lot of the reason people become year rounders is too many monster attacks or horrible home lives which further implies out in the real world there are genuine missing posters for these kids. Some might even be considered legally dead so what happens when they rock up in their early 20’s attempting to rejoin society?

In conclusion Camp Halfblood is fucked and Chiron is not some innocent fun loving centaur dude. His lack of action had a very big and very real impact on these kids.

[nightshadow1607]

Immortal Izuku: What’s up guys? I’m back.

Shinsou: What the- you can’t be here. You’re dead. I literally saw you die.

Immortal Izuku: Death is a social construct.

--

Aizawa: I slept for almost 12 hours but I might still be tired so let’s go for 12 more just in case.

Hizashi: Shou, that's a coma.

Aizawa: Sounds festive.

--

Vigilante Shinsou: Are you sure this is the right direction?

Informant Kaminari: Certainly, I'm as sure as I am honest!

Vigilante Izuku: In that case, we're definitely lost.

--

Vigilante Izuku: I was arrested for being too cool.

Shinsou: The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.

--

Feral Izuku: Just because I'm too short to reach the lowest self in the cabinet doesn't mean you shouldn't watch out for your kneecaps.

--

Shinsou: With great power comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.

--

Aizawa: I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than fuck

--

Izuku, holding a python: I impulsively bought a snake, what do I name him

Hizashi, in the verge of a heart attack: You did WHAT–

Shinsou: William Snakepeare

--

Izuku: Jail is no fun. I’ll tell you that much.

Aizawa: Oh, you’ve been?

Izuku: Once. In Monopoly.

--

Shinsou: I think I'm having a mid-life crisis.

Aizawa: You're like 15 years old

Shinsou: I MIGHT DIE AT 30!

--

*Izuku and Shinsou are doing something absurdly dangerous*

Vigilante Izuku: I think Houdini did something like this once! Why, if I recall correctly, he was out of the hospital in no time!

Vigilante Shinsou, deadpan: Well that's encouraging.

--

Izuku: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.

Bakugou: Deku, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.

--

Kirishima: If I accidentally sat on a voodoo doll of myself, would I be trapped forever in that position, doomed to starve to death?

Tokoyami: How am I supposed to know?

Kaminari: You say, as if we don’t use you as a source of knowledge of the occult.

Tokoyami: *sighs*

Tokoyami: You wouldn't be trapped.

--

Spinner: What do you think Dabi will do for a distraction?

Mr. Compress: They’ll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That’s what I would do.

*Building explodes and several car alarms go off*

Mr. Compress: ... or they could do that.

--

Izuku: I've already sent good vibes your way�� they’re coming. There’s nothing you can do to stop them.

Shinsou: This is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up.

--

Quirkless Izuku: I’m going to defeat you with the power of friendship! ... And this knife I found.

--

Uraraka: What do you call a fish with no eye?

Iida, not looking up: Astyanax mexicanus

Uaraka: 

Uraraka: fsh

--

*Shinsou and Izuku sitting in jail together*

Vigilante Izuku: So who should we call?

Vigilante Shinsou: I’d call Aizawa, but I feel safer in jail

incorrect quotes because why not? (part 5)

[tiredlilguy]

BSD|The Flags Poly HC's

come get your girl dinner, you know who you are cw: not proofread, suggestive//, a little fucked up (what do you expect though... they're mafia) notes: not adding chuuya because he was 16 at the same time they were around their 20's, reader suggested to be around their age. im just trying to cope with the recent chapter ;-;

I feel like Pianoman, Lippman, and Albatross would probably be the most provocative and louder lovers, while Iceman and Doc are kind of like “they’ll come around to me when they want to” attitude

Pianoman LOVES having you on his lap, he’s always using his “leader privilege” to be able to hold you the longest

Pianoman is handsy, but Alb is clingy… like Pianoman would be the one to try and sneak a hand to your ass, but Alb just likes hugs and holding you

Speaking of Alb, he definitely likes to steal you away all the time

Can and will just take you out of a cafe date with Lippman so then he can drive you to some random empty parking lot in the middle of nowhere just to make out with you

You have them all of a leash, and they will be there at your beck and call

Bet if you’re in trouble with something (they know very well you’re capable), doesn’t matter if it’s personal or not, they’re there

Iceman is a simp, I can definitely see him trying to be chill about your attention being on everyone else, but he’s a little jealous… he won’t say anything though

One time, Lippmann was watching Pianoman’s hand that was on your thigh as you were sitting on his lap. Pianoman eventually noticed and looked up at Lippman with a smirk and said: “ You wanna join?”

You ended up in between them that night (god, I desperately want that to be me)

You hear all the hospital drama from doc:

“ You remember […]?”

“ Yeah?”

“ Well they lost their other leg. When I tell you that I’m probably going to run out of prosthetics to put on this guy… Though, I may consider trying to Frankenstein them with a new leg. What do you think?”

Doc gifts you flowers, but he always gets the ones that are small (he thinks that they are like him, so that’s why he gets them for you), OR he’d gift you jars of severed limbs/eyes/etc

If he does surgery on you, he’s going to find some way to give you an extra organ and just not tell you about it. I guess enjoy your new third kidney babes (this is a crack hc, but I did see it from a meme)

Albatross seems like the typa guy to gift you a taxidermied animal, idk why… he gives me those vibes, like how a crow will gift you a dead mouse as thanks for saving it (Albatross is the name of a bird after all)

NO ACTUALLY, ALB DEFINITELY GIFTS ILLEGAL FISH/WHALE BONES

He’s definitely a genius at getting stuff on the black market (I mean, he can operate and fix every/any vehicle), probably had the highest bid on like an extinct whale tooth and smuggled it in to gift to you somehow

Doc and alb are fucked in the head, they just wanna show you that they love you

Anyways

Iceman seems like the type to gift you either old records, things that remind you of him, or things the reminds him of you

Lippman gifts really expensive things like designer bags or clothing

Pianoman doesn’t seem like much of a gift person, but he’d probably get you something more sentimental: like a simple (but expensive) necklace, or very romantic letters

Lippmann LOVES to spoil you: literally will take you to everything, always has you at any of his interviews (though you’re probably in disguise), or at movie/tv show shoots

Iceman definitely likes to have you to himself, he doesn’t mind the poly relationship, but if you’re with him, he doesn’t like to share

That said, if he does have you for a night, bet it’s going to be a good night (in both ways)

If you are getting shared it’s most likely pianoman + Lippmann or alb + doc

Though of course the six of you are always together, I mean hey, u got the cream of the crop of the Port Mafia all to yourself 

If you get signed a solo mission, at least one of them is either going with you or watching you on the sidelines

One time it ended up being where all of them showed up and they comedically fell out from behind a corner (the sillies)

I can imagine a scenario where you all end up going on a vacation to somewhere where there’s a beach

It was Lippmann’s idea

The end goal was to see you in swimwear- like that was the original idea… they’re horndogs

Pianoman puts his coat on you if you’re feeling cold, likes to see you put the sleeves on and see the coat sort of pool over you

Trust, if someone hurts you, that person is getting their ass demolished, beaten tf up, burned, sunk into the ground, dead as hell

They’d probably make a mess of the person who hurt you, so much so that the person is beyond recognition

Probably the one time that they let Albatross go loose (he’s probably beating the shit out of the dead body)

They do love you, they’re just a little fucked in the head

The skrunklies

[whumble-beeee]

Hermanitos

The (Un)Official Guide to Hero-Keeping | Cont'd from Part 16

Content: mentioned drugging, mentioned torture, mentioned murder, begging, guns, lady whump kinda?

* * * * * * * *

Excerpt from: The (Un)Official Guide to Hero-Keeping; a self-help guide for villains and bounty-hunters

[‘But what about the police?!’ you may ask in your extreme naïveté. Don’t you even worry your silly little head about those ineffective dweebs! The police may be a problem for small-time criminals and villains who fail to think past tomorrow, but luckily you have the advantage of this book on your side! Simply make sure to set aside part of your budget to pay off the police, and they’ll gladly unsee any shady dealings they may have previously seen. They’re very good at it.

What do you do if you don’t have such funds? Worry not! While this does often muddy the waters and it is advised to simply pay off prospective arrestors if possible, it is not the only way! Overall, it’s very simple and easy to have the police on your side, and an invaluable resource when you find yourself in a tough spot; You may kidnap a loved one or otherwise blackmail a person in a position of power, seduce them, or any of the other very effective tactics! (Refer to Chapter XX: Blackmailing and Manipulation for more information!)]

* * * * * * * *

For this chapter, dialogue translated from Spanish to English will be bracketed and italicized [like this] for ease of understanding.

Also, I made Officer Kalis Brooks and Officer Frida Galleta girlfriends now, instead of Kalis having a one-sided crush like I hinted in the previous chapter :D I might go back and change the previous chapter to reflect that. Eventually. Probably.

* * * * * * * *

“DECLAN CANSANO, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!”

The bounty hunter groaned next to Kalis, cowboy hat flown off somewhere into the aether. “Aughhh, fuck me… Fri–Frida?... What're you–...?”

Shouting, spotlight, police sirens, sounds and colors and oppressive darkness all melding into one. 

Was Kalis dead? 

That car must have hit her. Yes. Because otherwise that meant that the bounty hunter had saved her WHILE trying to kill her.

And that didn't make any damn sense.

She couldn’t keep track of what was going on around her anymore, the world spinning much too fast for her to comprehend, blackness crushing her in on all sides, threatening to swallow her whole as it crashed over her in tumultuous waves. 

She laid her head down on the pavement with a small groan.

She'd just… sleep for a moment. 

Frida was here. 

Everything would be okay now…

Officer Galleta slid over the hood of the car with practiced ease, shouting and swearing like a sailor as she landed on top of the bounty hunter, literally straddling his legs while still pointing her gun at his head. He dazedly tried to shove back from her.

“I cannot believe you!” she bellowed. “Out of all the selfish, horrible, ungrateful things you've done, that has got to be one of the worst! Killing my girlfriend?! You absolutely dense motherfucker, you bitch, you–”

“Is… is that… Frida?...”

“Si Cabrón, obviously! Who else would it be?!”

“Frita-hermanitaaa~” he giggled in a daze. “Since when do you have a girlfriend?”

“Don’t you ‘Frita-hermanita’ me, you fuck! Take that stupid fucking bandana off, you look like you’re wearing a Halloween costume!” Her voice shook with barely kept-rage, teeth bared and eyes fiery red as she plopped down on the stomach of the bounty hunter and ripped the bandana off his face with venomous fervor. He let out an ‘oomph’ as her knee dug into the soft flesh of his stomach, along with a whiny ‘go away, leave me alone.’ Although the hunter didn’t seem particularly disturbed by it. More… pissy.

“Stop wavin’ that thing around, you’re gonna shoot someone,” the mercenary groaned. He made a half-assed attempt to grab at the gun just as the muzzle shoved into the vulnerable underside of his chin, another hand pinning him to the ground by the lapel of his shirt. He grew still.

“I should be so lucky,” Officer Galleta growled.

God, she’s so hot, Kalis oggled. Pretty pretty.

“I should shoot you right now for what you almost did,” she hissed.

“Oh calm down, you and I both know I wasn’t gonna actually kill her, ya baby. Your fuckass car definitely would have though. I saved her ass. You’re welcome.”

“Right! And now I get the honorable privilege of shoving my gun down your throat instead of watching you slit hers. So yes, thank you Declan, for your extreme altruism.”

“That’s how I roll. I’m sure your girlfriend is grateful too! You should take her out to a lovely candle-lit dinner while I finish my job and take a 20-hour nap. Now let me up.”

Officer Galleta let out a sharp laugh into the chilly night air, bouncing off the trees around them, crystal clear and all-encompassing. “You want me to just let you go? After all that?!”

He opened his mouth, only to stop short, eyes flashing briefly over to Officer Brooks’ half-conscious form. He propped himself up, wholly disregarding the gun shoving into his trachea as he leaned in closer to Frida’s rage-etched features, voice dropping to a gravelly fast mumble.

He whispered, “[Frida, what’re you even doing here? You know what will happen if my boss finds out we talked to each other.]”

“Oh that's rich–”

“[No, Frida!]” he urged. “[Look, I know you’re angry and I’m sorry I made you come all the way out here, but you know what Lana’ll do if she finds out! You’ve seen what will happen, you’ve felt–]” he reached up and gently grasped her shoulder, where Frida immediately slapped his hand away and gripped at the site defensively. “[–what will happen! And look I’m sorry for scaring you and your girlfriend, but whatever you decide to do tonight, I’m leaving with my hostage, because I’d rather not see anyone maimed again, or KILLED, by some cutesy pastel psychopath–]”

Frida shoved her gun further into his neck. “[Shut UP, Declan, I know! I’m gonna let you go, I was just… ]” She took a deep breath, barely restraining her anger. Then she didn’t. She slammed her fist down on his chest, hard. 

“[GOD, FUCK YOU and your terrible life choices!]” 

Declan barely flinched. His hand fell to the melted and twisting flesh that shined off his cheek, his jaw, his neck, his arm in the spotlighting headlights of the police cruiser. Eyes vacant. He sighed, letting himself look past the Frida and stare dead-eyed upward at the cloudless sky. 

The stars look so pretty tonight.

So far removed from the torment of humanity…

“... Can’t say I disagree.”

Frida’s gaze softened slightly. 

He shoulders untensed

She sighed. 

“[Deccy, we… you can’t keep doing this.]”

His gaze flicked downward. He sighed. “[Can you get off of me?]”

“[What would it take? How do I get that woman off your ass?”]

[“Frida, there is no ‘getting her off my ass.’ She knows everything about me, she knows all my secrets, she knows who you are, she knows who I am, what I am... She’ll tell everyone.”]

An unbearable pause.

[“Would that really be so bad?”] Frida finally pleaded. She had no other solution. Declan shot her a look.

Yeah…

“[I’d have to shoot her dead to get rid of her,”] Declan resigned. [“And her bitchy little boyfriend, and whatever fail-safes they have in place. You know that the police won’t help me–]”

“[But I can help you!]

“[–and YOU’RE certainly not allowed to help, because before you say anything, I’m not letting you risk your life for me like that. Period.”] 

Frida went to argue with him, but she just barely caught that stupid little sparkle returning to his stupid red eyes. God dammit. “[Your girlfriend, on the other hand… I mean if you were willing to hit her with your car, maybe she–]”

And Officer Galleta’s spirited anger returned tenfold, voice soaring high above the trees. “You really don't know when to quit, do you?!”

He laughed. “Nahhhh.”

“I’m just trying to help you!”

“Don’t need it, thanks. Let me up.”

“What if I shot you right here and now?”

“Fuckin’ do it! Finish the job your girlfriend couldn’t! Shoot me. Be her knight in shining armor, you won’t!”

Officer Brooks’ eyes shot open. What was all the shouting about?

“All this talk about saving our lives, and you don't even want to save yourself!!”

“Wait, wait, so… huh?” Kalis tried to interject. God, her body hurt so much. Were they… Were they whispering at each other just now?  “What is happening, I don’t– Why were you speaking Spanish?” Kalis groaned, forcing her head to leave behind the cotton balls and clouds. “What did you say?”

“Look, either shoot me or let me up, Frida,” the man deadpanned. “Kill me. I know you want to.”

Frida growled, every muscle in her body tensed, on fire, shaking as she shoved the muzzle of the gun even further into his chin, forcing his head back to grind further into the asphalt. She kept it there for a long while. 

So long. Too long. Holy shit was she actually gonna–

Officer Galleta suddenly yelled out, an enraged howl, and bounded off the bounty hunter, kicking a couple of rocks into the ditch sidelining the road. “Augh, this is just like you! Every single time I try to talk to you, you deflect and refuse to talk even though you’re– AUGH!! I just want to help you Declan! And you pull me into your illegal, unethical bullshit–...” She charged back over to him, holding out her hand for him to grab. “Get up. Now.”

He grabbed her hand back and popped right up to standing, dusting himself off as Officer Brooks stared at them, mouth literally agape. She hadn’t– She just– 

“You look like shit, by the way,” Officer Galleta commented. 

“I feel like shit," Declan chuckled. "Haven’t slept in like three days–” 

“And you’re fuckin’ high, too.” 

“Ehhhhhh, you caught me.” 

“Frida?... What’s going on?” Kalis tried to interject again. Her voice felt so small. She could barely hold back her tears, her chest felt like it was splitting open. 

Frida was a dirty cop…?

“Can you at least pretend to care about your own life as much as I do?” Officer Galleta snarked.

He scoffed. “Yeah, care so much that you’d pull a gun on me and threaten to kill me?”

Her mouth fell open, speechless for a moment. 

”I– I–... You–”

“Wouldn’t have actually died? Just like your girlfriend wouldn’t have?”

“No! I-I wasn’t actually gonna shoot you!”

“Right,” the mercenary deadpanned. “You were just gonna hit us both with your car so I couldn’t even save her.”

“Well it worked, didn’t it?!” Galleta cried. “You saved her from getting hit! And no one had to die at all! This isn't just about your life, asshole! It’s about mine, it’s about my girlfriend’s, our family’s, the people that you kidnap and torture!”

“Oh fuck off, Frida. Having to deal with you is worse than having to torture people, truly.”

“Stop doing it and you won't have to deal with either!”

“Or,” Declan spat. “YOU could leave me alone. Like I keep asking you to!”

Frida’s jaw might as well have been on the floor. “I'm not leaving you alone just because you can't get away from some psycho bitch you fell for ten years ago!”

The bounty hunter’s eyes went wide. “Oh! Sorry for thinking I could actually love someone countless years ago! So sorry for my naivete! Maybe you should inform your secret girlfriend of the Cansano family curse before she gets tortured and murdered too!” 

“Oh no, you’re the one who let her get into your pants BEFORE you knew she was fucking insane and then find out about your stupid little secret–” 

“No, I’m the one trying to make sure you don’t get turned into a lab rat or brutally tortured and murdered because you don’t understand how fucking insane she can be–” 

“–and saw an opportunity to exploit your ‘oh I can’t actually KILL people, I’ll murder them with my stupid little cowboy gun–” 

“– even though you were literally there when she threw acid on us and I protected you–” 

“–then make them feel better’ BULLSHIT WHEN WE BOTH KNOW IT COULD BE USED FOR SO MUCH GOOD BUT INSTEAD–” 

“–because that’s what family DOES INSTEAD OF BECOMING A FUCKING TRAITOR–” 

“–YOU BENT TO HER WILL UNTIL I LITERALLY HAD TO CHANGE MY NAME–”

“–WHO SELLS OUT YOUR HER FAMILY JUST TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT–”

“SHUT UP!!” Kalis screeched out, hands pressing into her ears to block out the dizzying noise. Both their attentions turned to her at once, their childish shouting match thankfully screeched to a grinding halt. A dirty cop and a bounty hunter, staring at her. Enemies. Villains.

“Frida!” Kalis cried. “I-I– I don't– what's going on with you?”

Frida’s face melted into a mask of terror as she took in Kalis’s prone form, still sprawled out where the bounty hunter had dove them both out of the way of her oncoming car. “Kalis! Oh my god, I’m so sorry, are you okay?”

Kalis skittered away from the cop. “What is happening?! Why– Why are you talking to him like that?! Why were you yelling?”

“I–” Galleta’s breath petered out. “Kalis, I know this looks bad–”

“You’re a dirty cop!”

“I’m not a dirty–”

The bounty hunter scoffed under his breath: “You kind of are though–” 

“Shut up!” The two cops yelled at him in unison. He flipped up his hands in surrender and turned to walk away.

“Hey, no, get back here!” Kalis yelled.

The hunter stopped in his tracks and sighed. “Can we please get on with this, I have places to–”

“No! You’re going to prison!” She turned to Officer Galleta. “Look, Frida, I don’t know what’s going on with you and him, but– but– He kidnapped and tortured a boy, Frida! You can’t tell me you’re on his side! I don’t care if he’s like, I don’t know, a love affair, or he’s blackmailing you, or whatever you’ve got going on, but you can’t just sit idly by–”

A barking laugh echoed up and down the highway, a sound that rang off the asphalt and successfully started fringing on Kalis’ absolute last nerve. “Love affair!” the mercenary snorted. “Fuckin’ love affair, holy shit, a love affair! She thinks I’m your boyfriend, Frida! God, no, that would be the day! Shit man, fuck that, fuck that…”

Kalis narrowed her eyes on the cackling man. “I don’t see what’s so funny.”

He shook his head. “She’s not my girlfriend, chica. She’s my sister.”

Another pause.

Oh.

Oh. 

Wait, no. 

What?

“I–...” she looked over to Officer Galleta. Frida. Her love. “Huh?” 

Frida took that small step toward Kalis. “I can explain. But I’d never hurt you, and I’m not on his side. I’m on yours. I promise.”

“I don’t–” She wanted so desperately to believe her. So, so bad. “Are you a part of a crime family?...”

“No, I’m–”

“Technically you are–”

“Declan!” Frida snapped. “I swear to god, shut the fuck up.” 

He rolled his eyes and turned his attention elsewhere, while his sister purposefully looked toward her baffled partner. “Look, please understand, I’m not letting him go because he’s my brother, there’s so much–”

Kalis’ eyes widened. “Who said anything about letting him go?”

The color drained from Frida’s face. 

“I– I mean… I’m not–...”  She took a deep, shaking breath, then started talking at about a million miles a second. 

“Look, just listen for a second, you have to understand, lives are at stake here, my life, your life, Declan’s, so many others, I need you to understand I’m trying to make sure no one gets hurt–”

Officer Galleta’s voice faded into the back of Kalis’ mind, static filling her head like thousands of angry bees, only directed by the thunderous pounding of her own heart. It was a strange case indeed, the case of the Traitorous Girlfriend and the Bounty Hunter. The facts and the lies were strewn up across the wall as one, connected haphazardly with spools of knotted red string. Too much, too fast, Kalis couldn’t handle it all, help help–

Stick to the facts, detective:

Frida had a secret villain brother. She was in a crime family? She was a dirty cop. She was a liar. She was just trying to help. Apparently. But what are the promises of a liar if not absolutely meaningless, that of a scoundrel, a fiend? She also wanted to send that boy to his death. She wanted to let a man who captures and kills and tortures set free. She wanted to let him go. She was a liar. She didn’t care that he tried to kill Kalis. She betrayed Kalis. She lied. She just wanted to keep her loved ones safe. She’s a liar. A dirty cop. A liar. A criminal. A liar, she lied, what else had she lied about, was she capable of more, was she capable of killing? Would she just stand by and let her brother kill her girlfriend? Would she help, would she help him torture, HAS she helped him torture, she would kill, liar, killer, betrayal–

Frenzy, frenzy, what was up or down, was was going in with the world–

Human life at stake?

Stan.

Stan was at stake.

Save Stan. That’s all that mattered. Who cared about her stupid life anyway?

She grabbed Frida roughly, desperately grasping at her shirt and yanking her toward the car that held the prisoner. “Frida! Please! He's a kidnapper!”

If she could just show her. 

If Frida could just see.

“He kidnapped a boy, he kidnapped a super, he tortured him, you should see the things that he’s done to that boy! You can’t let him go, you haven’t seen what he's done, he’s a monster!”

“Not a boy,” the bounty hunter lulled, popping back up from where he’d apparently disappeared behind the cruiser that almost hit them. With that stupid fuck-ass cowboy hat on again.

“Excuse me?” she asked incredulously.

“He’s not a boy,” he repeated, meandering back to them. “He’s 22. He’s an adult.”

No no no no no no no, Kalis, stay focused, he’s trying to throw you off your game.

She grabbed her love’s sleeve, pleading. “His name’s Stan, Frida! Stan! I met him, I talked to him, he’s scared, he’s hurt, he’s drugged, he doesn’t even understand what’s going on right now. You brother, that man right there, he tortured him, Frida! He’s bruised and bloody and he has broken bones, he’s collared so he can’t use his powers and your brother dragged him around by that collar he’s a monster Frida, please, we can save him!”

The bounty hunter’s face shifted in her periphery. Angry. Tense.

Focus on your love. You can save the boy, you can save them both.

Frida tried to reason with her, voice slow and pleading: “...Kalis… I know. I know what he does. What he's done–”

No no NO NONONONO!!

“What happens when I see that boy on the news one day?!” Kalis pleaded, literally grabbing Fridas hands and sinking to her knees. “That he was found dead, when I see the report of every gruesome torture he was put through before he was found, and I see him there and knew that I could’ve done something about it, but I let him go? What do I do then, Frida?”

No response. Not some smartass retort from the bounty hunter, not some vile, pleading words to understand from Frida. 

Nothing.

“I promised hi-im,” Kalis wept. “I promised him I’d save him. Please Fri-ida. I-I can’t do this without you, I can't, I need you.”

Frida stared at the ground. She shivered.

“I can’t–” Frida took a large gasp in, voice shaking almost as much as her body. “I can’t– Let–... You. Die.”

The wrathful bounty hunter himself piped up: “I’ll do my best to make sure he’s treated well, yeah?... That’s the best I can do. That’s all I can do.”

His voice was so gentle.

The voice of someone who cared.

The voice of someone placating.

The voice of someone trying to get their way.

Her jaw clenched, so hard she thought her teeth would shatter.

“You… are both… under arrest,” she whispered. 

She reached for her holster. Empty. Shit shit shit shit shit– she jerkily fumbled around her pocket and crashed up to her feet in a frenzy, barely managing to get a proper hold on the mercenary’s confiscated gun before brandishing it directly at the bounty hunter and the dirty cop, the traitor.

The mercenary’s eyes widened. Then narrowed. “That’s my gun.”

“You’re under arrest, you’re both–!” she pointed the gun at Officer Galleta, who took a few shocked steps back. “ –under arrest! For attempted murder of an officer, for aiding and abetting, for corruption, for betrayal, for lying, for everything! Both of you! On the ground! NOW!!”

Silence.

A look passed between the siblings, from the bounty hunter to his partner in crime.

A certain gleam in their eyes,

“Drop your weapons, and get on the ground. Now!” 

“[Frida, that gun doesn’t have any bullets in it,]” the bounty hunter muttered under his breath. 

Officer Galleta’s eyes went wide. She looked to her brother. He nodded. 

She knew that sparkle in his eyes.

God. Fucking. Dammit.

“[I better see you again. Fuck you.]”

“[Love you too. Thank you.]”

“Shut up!” Officer Brooks shouted. “No talking, put your hands–”

Officer Brooks screeched in surprise, in fear, in heart-pounding, blood-racing fear as Officer Galleta broke into a sprint and lunged at her. 

And she accidentally pulled the trigger of the deadly gun grasped in her hands.

At the one she loved.

No.

NO. 

NONONONONONO–

She screamed.

Click.

And she slammed into the ground, all breath knocked out of her violently, her girlfriend scrambling on top of her to pin her down, Kalis scrambling and screeching under that to get up, grappling and shrieking until the muzzle of a standard-issue police gun dug into her chest.

She froze.

Done.

It was over so quickly.

From so close, Kalis could see the tears in Officer Galleta’s eyes.

Her voice cracked.

“Frida… Please… Don’t–”

The bounty hunter swooped by, crouching down just enough as he sprinted to grab his gun and kept running toward his truck. He didn’t look back.

“NO!!” Kalis screamed into the inky black nothingness of the night, into the ghostly white and shadowed and tear-stained face of the person she had trusted most in this world, loud enough that it woke Stan up from his drug-induced haze for the shortest of moments and made him look around in confusion at the sorrowful screams that surrounded him, make him struggle as the driver side door slammed open and shut and Declan scrambled with almost unbelievable abandon to get the engine to turn over.

And Stan cowered away from him, insurmountable fear worming through his mind: He’s going to hurt me again.

“Frida!” Kalis gasped. “Frida, Frida, please, we have to save him, we have to save that boy, we still have time we can still save him let me up let me go please please PLEASE DON’T DO THIS I PROMISED!! I PROMISED HIM FRIDA! I PROMISED I WOULD SAVE HIM I PROMISED PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME A LIAR–”

Officer Galleta didn't say anything. She couldn't. She was frozen to the spot, paralyzed. Except for the minute shudder of her chest, except for the tears that started to fall.

And they stayed like that until the truck of Declan Cansano rumbled to life and screeched off into the night.

* * * * * * * *

Next (when posted)

AND if you'd like to know what's happening in the sludge that is Stan's mind during this scene, check out this drabble!: This Edible Ain't Shiiiiiii~~ (*enters warp space*)

Taglist: @flowersarefreetherapy | @pirefyrelight | @cakeinthevoid | @painsandconfusion | @books-are-everything

@paperprinxe | @tippytappytyping | @chaotic-orphan | @notactuallyluska | @lumpofsand

@watermelons-dont-grow-on-trees | @whumpwhittler | @thelazywitchphotographer

(If you'd like to be added or subtracted from the taglist, don't be afraid to ask!)

[boo-trekking]

Romulan Wedding Traditions: a headcanon ramble

I’m back again with a half baked Romulan take. I think they’re weddings probably still has some similarities to the Koon-ut-kal-if-fee. Except instead of duking it out on the hot sands of a dessert planet with the champion picked by your fiancé, it’s a little more complicated.

First off Romulus is described to be “a lush, humid world abundant with vegetation and large bodies of water”

So I’m thinking swamps and jungles (a Romulan on a fan boat makes my brain go brrrrrrr), where it’s easy to hide and challenging to hunt.

So on your wedding day no matter what your fiancé will present you with a challenge and that challenge is to hunt someone that they’ve picked but you don’t know who, and you bring them back to the specifications of your fiancé. So if they want them alive, you might just tie them up, but if they want them dead you might have to bring back their head or something. A real challenge is when they say dead or alive.

And then the trick of it is that the person they choose is someone you could really want dead, but you know your fiancé wants alive, like for example the fiancé’s ex. Do you show your fiancé how brutal you are by bringing back the head of the one who may have stood in your way, or do you hog tie the son of a bitch and pout about it? Either way it sets the tone for the marriage.

Also it’s not really guaranteed that you’d bring them back alive if asked, because traditionally you are meant to kill the one your fiancée picks, but more modern sentiments have made way for change.

So if your fiancé sends you after her father and asks that he not die, you only really have to bring him back. If you’re polite, you’ll say that he slipped and drowned and you weren’t able to revive him and everyone will look the other way at the strangulation marks on his neck. Or if you really are cruel you will bring him back and shoot him dead in front of your fiancé. And either way you are getting married.

The only way to get out of a marriage is to not bring back the one the fiancé picked. So let’s say you have the entire 25 hour cycle of the day to get this person. You could decide just to camp out, or miss your shot and if you can avoid finding the person and comeback empty handed then no marriage.

Or on the fiancé’s end they could request someone too hard to get/someone that doesn’t exist. I like to think it used to be in fashion to request someone who was dead. Until some dude who was really in love with his fiancé decided to say fuck it and broke in the family crypt and carefully exhumed and carried his fiancé great grandmother to the ceremony. Everyone’s horrified and a little grossed out (because the ggma had been dead long enough for decomposition to start), but the fiancé is laughing so hard.

Because she actually did want her great grandmother there, they were very close. She didn’t want to marry this guy cause she just didn’t want to get married yet, she was nervous. But here’s this guy who is lovingly cradling her ggma in his arms. He literally brought the only person who would’ve soothed her into this. And she gladly married him, and they immediately bring the ggma back, and then the trend falls out of fashion cause ew wtf.

It’s also a big deal to be the one the fiancé picks. I would call it an honor but you could possibly die so. It’s considered a big social faux pas to refuse to be the one hunted out right but there are ways to get out of it if you feel like you might die. Some people take on an extra stint of military service (not that it’s voluntary, but maybe they’ll be taking on a tour they could’ve sat out of idk), some others claim they are trying for a child (this is really popular among single women who are suspected to be a lover to the one who hunts, real tongue and cheek shit), but sometimes the only thing that will work is to change your name.

The way picking works is you have to present the persons name. Because there is so much secrecy in Romulan culture, names are really tricky, so maybe the name given is just your common name and you decide to be a stickler and insist on the full four names in order for you to be the hunted. Or maybe you go to your family and ask to change your name there as to throw off the picker.

But it is a little awkward if the picker is your brother and you know he wants you dead so that when your father dies he will be head of the house instead of you, the oldest. And you know his fiancé would kill you even if your brother said they didn’t have to, because the fiancé is the youngest in their family and they have twelve siblings to get through before it’s their turn. So helping their fiancé become head of their family is just a smart move. Lucky for you your dad saw this years ago and already changed your family name, but waited until your brother already picked your full old name so now he has to pick someone else. He’ll pick the father out of spite, but the fiancé won’t kill him. After all, your dad used to be his commanding officer, it wouldn’t feel right.

It’s the hunted’s duty to make the hunt difficult, even if they know they’ll live at the end of it. So they’ll set traps and sneak around. I like to think that Romulan’s have houses similar to Klingons, and those houses have their own variations on the traditional ceremony. So maybe the hunted must hide in a particular place based on their house tradition, or they must throw the hunter off with a certain system.

I can imagine a house who often picks children to be hunted, that way it doubles as a test for the child’s skills. So maybe the fiancé very sweetly gives her little sister a present and asks her to be the hunted. And this 13 year old kid is absolutely STOKED to give her brother in law hell. So not only does she hide, but she starts counter hunting him. And he DIDN’T PLAN FOR THAT. So right when he’s looking at the barrel of a Romulan cross bow, beaten and bloodied by a kid who still sleeps with a night light, he’s fully accepted he’ll be the first in history to be killed and brought back. She looks at him and says something like “When you marry my sister…may I live in your house? I…don’t want to be without her.” And he says yes without hesitation because his fiancé already asked if it was okay, and he’s grown up knowing the little sister too and knows that it’s not the best for her at home (without much detail, Romulan secrets you know), and this kid just drops the crossbow and starts crying because she was really worried she was gonna lose her sister! And so he lightly bounds her hands, they make it back to the ceremony. Folks are congratulating her for giving him hell but snickering at the number this tween did to that guys face! All in all it works out, they are married and the sister moves in with them, and when it’s her turn to marry she kindly asks her niece…who has been trained from birth to return the favor.

Overall I feel that Romulans are just so complex and secretive, that a freaky (affectionate) marriage challenge feels right up their alley. They aren’t governed by logic, but by secrecy and deadly hide and seek feels right.

[goodmiffy]

I’m gonna make a real post about this at some point or multiple posts but I’ve just gone down an instagram rabbit hole and I’m absolutely sickened about just how many men are pedophiles and are very open and flippant about their attraction to little girls online. there are thousands upon thousands of clearly exploitative accounts of young girls under the guise of being ballet or gymnastics accounts with hundreds of thousands of male followers. and the posts are flooded with men making sexual comments. there’s so many take-aways not only that men are pedophiles in truly disturbingly high numbers but that they’re open about their attraction, act on it, are so unbelievably stupid that they try and engage with these girls as if they’ll actually get anything from that, rendered into such dribbling knuckle dragging reprobates by their pedo boners they fail to realise these accounts are obviously ran by adults pretending to be the girls in order to attract maggots like themselves for whatever kind of material or monetary gain they’re getting from it. and the girls likely won’t even know they’re being posted and most are far too young to even comprehend what a pedophile is and would be absolutely traumatised by virtually any of the comments let alone the hundreds and hundreds received daily. another take away is just how completely and utterly men seem to be compelled by their boners i know this is old news but holy shit does it render them into slobbering brain dead chimps. they will genuinely go wherever their dicks lead them and have no situational awareness or context clues and post graphic comments openly on photos of little girls while having public accounts. the biggest kicker is when they have accounts that say things like family first, or father of 4, or happily married or anything to that effect and you just think holy fucking shit they are real people with families who have to interact with this bottom feeding scum who probably gets off to his own children and I’m literally powerless to stop what i can see going down right in front of me. and you get the strong sense that they are hardly humans at all but shells hollowed out by pedophilic pornography who are at the whim of every dick twitch. and not only all of this but the fact that instagram is seemingly trying to cover up these behaviours and protect pedophiles because when i find accounts like this that are public and try and look at their follow list to confirm it’s all little girls it brings up “no results. We limit this information to protect our community” on fucking public accounts so by protecting the community instagram means protecting the pedophiles and absolutely not the little girls being exploited. and you just want to scream and swing an axe around and you feel deep in your heart that the male is a plague on the world and this whole fucking thing is some kind of sick twisted experiment because how is it possible that a mammal would evolve to be such a worthless pathetic dredge. something has gone deeply wrong in their wiring and i wish they’d be systematically executed and the people running these accounts too. god. 10,000 nukes to the whole of human society let the plants have the earth because we’re doomed. the end.

[leavemeal0newithmym0ss]

let’s fucking get started with that 1st opening minus the lyrics bcuz that’s a whole other can of worms

Someone else (can’t remember who off the top off my head) pointed out how the flower represented saiki and I just. it not even being a dead flower??? The petals are just coming off??? MORE PETALS COMING OFF WHEN HIS FRIENDS ARE FIRST INTRODUCED???? I’m already crying man. They really were bringing his spirit down when they kept projecting on him and therefore weren’t really making an effort to know him bcuz they thought they had him all figured out huh. We haven’t even scratched the surface of what I wanna talk about and the screenshots make it extra long lmao.

Let’s talk about why they choose these two powers to show off. First off him just being able to easily destroy stuff is probably meant to show how fragile everyone and everything seems around him and how easily he could hurt someone (he would never, but his upbringing and self-deprecating thoughts says he could and that’s all that matters). Next, flying. It seems really cool but the fact that there’s literally no one else there makes the scene feel like incredibly lonely to me. Like minus the buildings and moon the sky is a whole lot of nothing.

Saiki’s friends making him feel trapped minus takahashi get the fuck out this isn’t about you. Hairo trying to make the rope tighter might be representing him making situations worse without meaning to; I wouldn’t be surprised if he thinks he’s loosening it. Toritsuka just sprawling on top of saiki with no regard for him. Nendou is probably representing a weight to saiki; he’s not really doing anything other than eating ramen but saiki likely feels guilty about just being a danger to the dude. I’m pretty sure in the beginning of the manga saiki stated multiple times that Nendou was a good guy. Kaidou drawing on his face and pointing at him is definitely about how Kaidou projects onto saiki and “creates” a personality for him. Teruhashi is interesting bcuz she’s not really doing anything to him unlike the others but she is also up in his face like she’s trying to get his attention and saiki, who in this big metaphor can’t move his body (probably bcuz he’s scared the slightest twitch will throw off their illusion that they created for him and he has abandonment issues they’ll leave now that I think about it), can’t really tell her to stop.

Ok who’s house is this and why is saiki using his x-ray vision? Why did they choose this house to start off x-ray? Is it teruhashi’s? Why does it feel like teruhashi’s and why is saiki using x-ray vision on it?

Him putting the flower that represents him back together with his powers we love to see it. This is probably at the end where he finally excepts his powers as a part of himself and stops tearing himself down bcuz of them (although that is going to take time, he’s starting to at least).

MORE FLOWERS GROWING IN THE FIELD THE MORE FRIENDS HE SURROUNDS HIMSELF BY AND THE MORE PEOPLE HE LETS GET CLOSE??? HIS EYES HAVING A SHINE IN THEM AT THE END WHEN IN THEY BEGINNING THEY WERE DEVOID OF LIFE??? WHAT IF I SOB

[randomthefox]

I don’t really like the direction that they want to go with Kit after the annual. His reason for wanting to manufacture problems for Surge comes out of worry that they’ll kill Eggman and then there will be no one left to save. And I’m like, “No, you fucking won’t.” How could Kit get it into his brain that they could stand a chance at killing Eggman when Sonic and friends—who have bested them at every turn—haven't been able to do it yet? It doesn’t make any sense. Kit is supposed to be the smart one. He wasn’t just made to do tech stuff; Starline made him to look before Surge leaps by making plans based on facts and logic. But as it stands, it would be far more logical if Kit wanted to manufacture scenarios where Surge can easily win because he thinks she isn’t capable of defeating Eggman and facing him would be too dangerous for her. But that would be bad too, because aren’t these guys supposed to be some kind of threat? The writers seem to want us to judging by how they have them strike a cool pose at the end of their story. But, how am I supposed to take them seriously if their next arc seems to imply that they’re going to be isolated from the game cast, basically playing pretend until Surge catches on and they just hug it out or something because the writers decided to get rid of all of Surge’s violent impulses despite that being what made her entertaining to begin with?

Not to mention, where is this scheming side of Kit coming from? Ride out of left field; that’s where. At no point is it built up that Kit would work behind Surge’s back. Almost every appearance Kit has had until that point has established that Kit is completely incapable of doing anything on his own. He either needs someone else's validation or someone else's assistance. Why should I even be taking this oh so dark development seriously? Because this coming is garbage, we haven’t seen Kit successfully execute a single plan. In the very same story, we see how little the writers take Kit seriously. Despite Kit being the designated smart one, he underestimates the force of the rail tram's weight and gets pulled down with it. Starline made Kit to be the planner, but because this comic doesn’t understand how to write villains, there isn’t a single point where this is shown. It’s so stupid. They have Clutch constantly intimidating everyone despite having none of the means to hurt them. Then, you have Surge and Kit, characters who have all of the means to pose a threat, but the comic doesn’t let them do anything. Because the writers are lazy. They feel that because Surge and Kit have been built up as Sonic and Tails’ doppelgängers with all of these crazy cool powers, they feel they can rely solely on tell don’t show and don't have to bother giving them any impressive feats. And it works. The fans of this comic eat up this slop and ask for seconds because they subsist solely off of vibes, which yell don’t show easily provides, while everyone with a brain is banging their head against the wall because how are we supposed to believe that Kit can reliably manipulate Surge when, because of this comic's stupidity, we haven’t seen him do anything of value yet? But then again, he probably can. Because Surge has been built up as equally brain dead and able to change based on the writer’s whims.

I hate this comic so much. One of the main reasons I remained invested in this comic is because of Surge and Kit. But now, their next arc is basically going to be them playing in a ball pit, completely separate from the rest of the cast as they literally play pretend with no stakes. I don’t even like these characters anymore because their dynamic is almost the exact opposite of how it was introduced, despite them hardly actually doing anything with the said original dynamic. All of their buildup in imposter syndrome basically amounted to one issue, and from there, their character consistency dropped off the side of a cliff. How am I supposed to remain invested in these characters when they introduce character change after character change? Surge is nicer to Kit now. This change happened for no reason. Kit wants to manipulate Surge now. This change happened for no reason. The writers for this comic don’t know what an arc is, nor do they know that originally made the characters they created appealing, as shown by their characterization being all over the place. The people who like this comic don’t know either. Even though the characters are completely different from the ones I got invested in, their upcoming arc might actually be really interesting if they make it into an uncomfortable psychological thriller. But even that would be kind of boring because they already tried that in imposter syndrome. That, and that’s not what Sonic is about. Sonic is about action. Stuff like imposter syndrome served it’s purpose by being build up to the action rather than being the end goal. But there is no end goal with this comic. They’re just going to keep blue ballsing me over and over again. Never letting the only characters I currently like in this comic do anything (because it’s not like I can enjoy the game characters when they’re so out of characters). Anyways, I’m going to go back to writing my fic involving Surge and Kit where they’re actually competent so I can finally get some catharsis for all of the investment I’ve put into those characters that the comic that created them is too lazy and incompetent to give me. Rant over.

Yeah it's hard to interpret this page as being anything but Ian Flynn shitting on the video games and basically saying "lol MY super cool awesome anti hero OCs would be able to kill Eggman whenever they waaaaaaaant~" like he had to try and invent a reason why Surge and Kit WOULDN'T just go and kill Eggman or something.

Like, You and I both know that if Surge and Kit tried to go kill Eggman, he'd just turn them into bloody smears on the floor. Effortlessly. With his bare hands.

But that's not how Ian Flynn would write such a confrontation. And we know this because we've already seen how this comic would write a confrontation between Surge and Eggman

Because this comic is written By people who hate Sonic, For people who hate Sonic.

And yeah the whole manipulative toxic schemer thing for Kit really comes out of nowhere. There isn't any set up for it even in Imposter Syndrome. Like it's pretty obvious that Ian Flynn is COMPLETELY ignoring everything Evan Stanley wrote for these characters and is crafting their dialog in that Annual issue based on HIS ideas for what HE wanted to happen to Surge and Kit after issue #50 even though that is obviously not what happened in the comic.

Personally I'm still pissed we didn't actually get a Surge and Kit vs Sonic and Tails fight.

Fucking liar. We did not get Sonic and Tails vs Surge and Kit. We got Sonic vs Surge and Tails vs Kit. We never got Sonic and Tails vs Surge and Kit.

Because this comic is dogshit.

[sapphire-weapon]

So, I reached the very endgame of FFXVI and looked at the shitton of sidequests that popped up before heading off to the final confrontation and went “fuck it.” I had done every single sidequest in the game leading up to this point, but I was reaching the end of the final night of the days I had taken off of work to play this game and I just needed to beat it and be done with it. I made a manual save at that point and just went into the final boss, intending to go back to the sidequests later.

After I beat the game, I didn’t honestly think I’d actually go back to those sidequests. What was the point, knowing how the game ended and what it meant?

ENDING SPOILERS BENEATH THIS CUT

And then I poked my head into the fandom and kept seeing people insist that Clive lived in the end (and also probably so did Joshua). And, at first, I was like “how much fucking copium are you guys huffing over here?? We literally physically see Joshua die, and he even says that the power of the Phoenix can mend flesh, but it can’t bring the dead back to life. So, all that happened was that Clive healed his corpse to make him look more dignified, but that is it. And we literally see Clive fucking turn into stone and Jill feels his aether disappear. They fucking died, we saw them die, you are so high on copium it’s making you look stupid.”

But then I kept digging into it.

And digging into it.

For Joshua -

Ultima says that Clive’s will is so strong that it actually harbors the power of creation, especially considering the way that Joshua is etched onto his heart. And, during the ending, Clive has Ultima’s power, which also literally is creation. We might not see Joshua get up and move around again, but his survival is hinted at/confirmed during the post-credits scene when he’s listed as the author of the book.

Okay, I can buy that. I guess. It still sounds copium as fuck to me, but I can see how people got there.

Clive’s was a little bit more abstract, and I kept seeing people refer to a conversation he had with Jill that I swear to god I never saw, because apparently Jill is the confirmation that he lived. So, in an effort to understand what the fuck people were talking about, I booted the game back up and went back and did the sidequests that I’d ignored last night.

And I saw the conversation.

And fandom is right. 

This motherfucker goddamn lived ARE YOU KIDDING ME

THIS SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN IN MISSABLE OPTIONAL CONTENT HOLY FUCK

It’s subtle, and it’s spelled out purely in symbolism, but it is there.

Jill says: “I realized that, no matter how terrible the night, dawn will always come. You [will] always come for me. And you have. Again and again.”

A few lines later, Clive says: “I’ll stop at nothing to see that you [get the life you want].”

In the ending, Jill watches Metia go out -- Metia, which she prayed on to bring Clive back to her -- and she takes that to mean that Clive is dead. But when she runs out of the infirmary and drops to her knees, the sun rises. Immediately. And Torgal howls -- and howling is how wolves try to signal their location to lost members of the pack to guide them home. And then Jill smiles at the sight of the sun.

Metia goes out because Jill doesn’t have to wish on it anymore -- not because Clive is dead, but because they’ll never have to be separated again. It also probably goes out because there’s no more magic left in the world. And, in fact, that’s probably why he doesn’t die -- the ability to channel aether in the form of magic disappears from the world before the curse can actually fully take him.

Because I rewatched the ending, and --

We don’t actually see him turn to stone. We see his hand turn to stone, but it doesn’t appear to be creeping up the rest of his arm or anything. And then he just... closes his eyes and drops his head against the sand.

That motherfucker is alive.

And because he’s alive, it ties back to Joshua because of the sidequest with the fuckin heartstones binding them together through the will of their father. If one endures, so too must the other. They both have to carry out Elwin’s legacy; it can’t just be Clive (or, it can’t just be Joshua, if you’re of the opinion that Clive resurrected him with Ultima’s power but then died himself).

Because it wasn’t just Cid’s dream and Cid’s legacy -- it was Elwin’s, too. The game makes it a point to repeat that over and over again, and it also keeps hammering home the idea that Clive and Joshua need to continue on living in order to see Elwin’s dream realized.

And Elwin’s dream is shown to have been realized in the post-credits scene. For that to have happened, both Clive and Joshua had to have lived.

Does this absolve XVI of all of its other writing problems? Absolutely not.

Is it complete and utter bullshit that this is so obtuse and missable and a vast majority of people are never going to find it? Yes.

Does it make things marginally better, though.......? Yeah, it actually does.

This is the payoff for Clive allowing himself to be loved. Jill’s love for him literally saved his life. Cid gave him something to die for, but Jill gave him something to live for. He made it a point to hold on long enough to look at the moon, because he promised her he would -- and doing that is what kept him going long enough that the magic disappeared before his body could fully turn to stone. And that whole idea of death and rebirth is thematically tied into the whole Phoenix thing and all that other bullshit.

I’m going to need to take some time to process all of this, but.

It does make me feel at least a little better.

[berrypass-de-murdler]

2 - 14 The Thanksgiving Dinner Murder

It's ok Logico, they can't all be puns

These episode titles tho, I legit imagine Logico painstakingly writing the entire book and then once he's done at some point at 3 AM he's just trying to title all of the cases

DON'T READ THE EPISODES WITHOUT READING THE BOOKS!!

It’s early in the morning, and Logico is fast asleep. He’s so tired! There’s an unpleasant knocking at the door. Unsurprisingly, Lady Violet is there. Eeby Gico rolls out of bed.

VIOLET: Rise and shine! It’s THANKSGIVING!! LOGICO: No it’s not!! It’s MAY! VIOLET: Remember? Holiday party? Today, we’re celebrating Thanksgiving!  LOGICO: W- VIOLET: Don’t worry, it’ll be Christmas tomorrow!

Vi leads Gico to a glorious dining hall.

VIOLET: For the Holy Republic, Thanksgiving celebrates the time where we annihilated a clan of peasants that was trying to overthrow us! Look!

The centerpiece decoration is a fake pie with a bunch of little dead human figures stuck in it.

LOGICO: How appetizing.

For no apparent reason, Father Mango and Steel are there.

STEEL: EW!! I thought I’d never have to see your short ass again! LOGICO: OH MY GOD, I hate you. MANGO: I’ve brought the wine! LOGICO: Of course you have.

They all sit down, awaiting their brown food to be served to them. After an hour, nothing happens.

MANGO: I have to go home now. VIOLET: NO WAIT!! I… I’m sure they’ll be out soon! 

She flutters to the kitchen. Can you guess what she sees? She screams. Logico runs over.

LOGICO: I probably could have guessed this happened an hour ago.

The first clue is a fork jammed into one of the human figures on the centerpiece. He tears it out and it’s stained with blood… but it’s nowhere near the dead chef. Are the human figures filled with blood????? Logico is about to vomit. He runs into the pantry instead. Mango is standing in the dark.

LOGICO: What are you doing? MANGO: Trying to figure out which brown food will go best with my gravy. 

He drinks some of it straight out of the pitcher. He gasps loudly!!!

LOGICO: … MANGO: I forgot I put arsenic in there. LOGICO: The fuck?? MANGO: It’s fine. I have God on my side.

He enters the kitchen instead and runs into Steel.

STEEL: Heyyyyy~ MANGO: … STEEL: I’d love a sip of that gravy.  MANGO: Absolutely not. STEEL: Ugh, I meant literally, but, if you wanna put it that way…

Mango kicks her across the room! Good thing too, because Logico cannot take any more of incompatible murdlers flirting with each other.

Irratino, restless, draws sketches of priests drenched in gravy. But his tears only make the paper bleed.

Logico quickly figures out that Steel is the chef killer. Makes sense, considering she’s one of the worst people alive.

STEEL: OH, YOU THINK YOU CAN CANCEL ME?! I CAN NEVER BE CANCELED!!!

She stomps around like the mature adult she is. 

MANGO: Now, I have the urge to kill HER…

Violet slams her hands on the table.

VIOLET: THAT’S IT! PARTY’S OVER! My GOD I can’t work with ANY OF YOUUUU

The end!

I hate steel so much

Look, baby sir rulean! He looks like a banana!

(I don't hate green bean sir rulean. I just hate armored sir rulean so I turned him into a green bean. wait what the fuck am i doing?)

The power of Goat Lord compels you!

See you next time murdlers!

[i-dont-think-youll-ever-see-this]

(TW: mention of sh) My friends brought to my attention that I’ve been kind of mean and that I shut them down sometimes, and they say that they are also worried that I talk about them behind their backs (I don’t)

I’m not mad that they told me abt this and I’m really trying to be a better person, I’ve been slowly improving for a while now and I’m happy they tell me these things so I know what to fix about myself.

I just hate knowing that they talked about this beforehand together, they say they don’t want me talking about them behind their backs but they did that to me (I know they didn’t mean it like that)

I’ve had issues like this in the past and it still haunts me, I really want to talk to them about it but it all happened like a month ago and I’m scared they will say that I’m just causing problems or that I’m being overdramatic.

it’s just that every time I stop thinking about something else I just think about how they probably sat together and talked about how horrible of a person I am, that they hate me, and that they dont want to be friends with me anymore. ( I know they wouldn’t do that because they are amazing but honestly I deserve that)

one of the worst parts is that they were scared to tell me because they were worried that I’d relapse on sh because of them telling me. They know I already hate myself and think I’m a shitty person and they were scared that I’d take what they said and use it as a reason to relapse.

(I did end up relapsing because of it but I don’t really think that’s the point)

And I fucking hate that they ended up apologizing. Apologizing?!?! For what??? Why were they apologizing when I was being a shitty friend, why were they apologizing when i literally deserve to be dead because i can’t be a good friend to anyone.

I did tell them that they don’t get to apologize because they didn’t do anything wrong, but the two of them still feel bad.

it’s all over with now but I sh over it.

I really just want to know how to be a different person because I don’t mean to do stuff like this, before I can think shitty mean stuff comes out of my mouth and I can’t stop it.

I’m sorry for putting this much, this is literally just me venting at this point but I can’t really talk to anyone else about this.

Also bc you post this can ppl also try and help in the replies bc I really need to figure out how to change myself

(Pls respond)

okay okay, so please don’t sh, if this kind of thing upsets you that much please talk to someone and seek help.

second, you are not a bad and horrible person, everyone is still growing and becoming the best versions of themselves. The fact that you want to change is even more proof that you are not a horrible person.

I think talking to your friends might be a good thing, if they would tell you that you’re overdramatic or causing problems by bringing something like this to their attention maybe you shouldn’t be friends with them in the first place.

Also remember that you are a product of your environment, try to surround yourself with good happy people and you will improve!

also like anon said, feel free to leave kind respectful advice in the replies/reblogs if you want.

I don’t think they’ll ever see this.

[leiawritesstories]

Do Not Touch That Oven

hey @writtenonreceipts, happy birthday!!! you are such a talented writer and a wonderful person, and I hope you have the best day <3 here's some Aelin-Elide friendship fluff and shenanigans :))

~1k words

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ells!” Aelin squealed, opening her front door for her best friend. 

“Calm down, Ace,” Elide laughed, giving her taller best friend a hug, “you literally saw me yesterday.”

“Oh, this isn’t me talking, it’s the caffeine.” 

“Hellas,” Elide snorted, heading for the kitchen with her bag of ingredients, “someone needs to hide the coffee from you.” 

“Someone isn’t here this weekend,” Aelin smirked. “He’s on the boys’ trip.” 

Right. The “boys’ trip.” Gods only knew why Rowan, Lorcan, Fenrys, Connall, Vaughan, Aedion, and Dorian had decided to go camping that weekend, but Aelin and Elide were dead fucking certain that they’d all come back hungover and probably bearing a few bruises, if they made it back alive at all. 

In the meantime, though, Elide was staying at Aelin’s overnight for their monthly girls’ night, and she’d brought the stuff to make cookies because Aelin had taken one look into her pantry and quickly decided to put her much wiser friend in charge of the shopping. The last time she’d been entrusted to go to the store, Aelin had hardly been able to find the few things on her list, returning with milk, eggs, and flour–which she’d been asked to buy–as well as twenty dollars’ worth of junk food. She just couldn’t help herself. 

Aelin followed Elide into the kitchen, perching herself on one of the high stools at the island. “So what are we making?” 

“Double chocolate cookies,” Elide replied, unloading a bunch of cooking ingredients onto the counter. Aelin had eyes for exactly one of those things. 

“Chocolate!” she crowed, tearing into the bag of dark chocolate chunks. 

Elida snatched it before she could grab more than a few pieces. “Uh uh, Ace, hands off!” 

“Bitch,” Aelin grumbled halfheartedly, fake-pouting. 

“If you eat them all now, there won’t be any for the cookies. And you like cookies with extra chocolate.” 

“Damn straight I do!” Aelin cheered up. “Shit, Ells, you know me too well.” 

“Fourteen years of friendship and that’s all you have to say?” Elide placed her hand over her chest. “I’m wounded.” 

Aelin snorted. “Yeah, yeah, no you’re not.” 

“No I’m not.” She pointed a wooden spoon at the taller girl. “Now get a bowl, this is your kitchen and you have to help somehow, even if you’re a disaster behind the stove.” 

“Rude!” But she grabbed a mixing bowl from a cabinet and slid it over to Elide. Then she grabbed her phone, setting her speaker up on a shelf so it wouldn’t get knocked over, and put on their joint playlist. 

The two of them made a bit of a flour and cocoa mess on the counter, what with singing into their spoons like they were pop stars and having a small bit of a flour fight, but the dough got made–with a minimum of Aelin swiping tastes–and scooped onto a baking sheet. 

Aelin checked the recipe card for the oven temperature. “Ells!” 

“What?” 

“We’re supposed to bake these at 375, right?” 

“Yes bitch, can you read?” Elide rolled her eyes, snickering. 

“Bitch!” Aelin threw an oven mitt at her. “Well we have a ton of cookies to bake and it’s going to take forever,” she complained. 

“So what are you suggesting…” Elide looked a little suspicious. 

“If we bake them at a higher temperature, they’ll be ready a lot faster, right?” She grinned, so damn proud of herself. 

Elide grabbed the baking sheet right out of her hands. “Do not touch the oven!” she commanded. “We don’t want the house burned down.” 

Aelin gasped in mock affront. “I’m not going to burn the house down!” she protested. 

“Mhmm,” Elide deadpanned, sliding the cookies into the oven and setting the timer. “You keep telling yourself that, Ace.” 

Aelin grumbled something crude under her breath and went over to the sink to help clean up the dirty dishes. She couldn’t let Elide do everything, even though she knew that if she left the dishes unattended, the petite girl just couldn’t help herself. 

The oven timer beeped ten minutes later and Aelin crowed with joy, hurrying over to take out the pan. Elide beat her there, swatting her hands away. 

“No touching!” she said in her very best mom voice. 

Aelin stuck out her tongue. “I’ll touch whatever I want to touch.” 

“Not with me, you won’t.” Elide winked lewdly, waggling her brows. 

Aelin, who’d just taken a gulp from her water bottle, spewed her water all over the kitchen floor. “ELLS!” she screeched, her face flaring red. 

Elide howled with laughter as she took the cookies out of the oven and put the next pans in. “You telling me I’m wrong?”

“Hell no,” Aelin returned, wiggling her own brows. “You better believe I touch whatever I want to touch when Rowan stays over.” 

“Okay, okay, enough!” Elide groaned, covering her ears. “Fuck, I did not need to know that!” 

“That’s what you get for oversharing about you and Lorcan,” Aelin teased. 

“Oh, trust me Ace, I’m not the one who overshares.”

“Right,” Aelin nodded sagely, “that would be Dorian.” 

Elide cackled as she transferred the cookies to wire cooling racks. “Damn straight.” 

“Which he is not,” Aelin declared, giggling helplessly. 

Elide laughed harder, almost dropping the cookies. “Makes for some interesting stories, it does, the kind of men he flirts with.” 

Aelin agreed. She finished up the dishes and strolled over to the cookies, swiping a warm one off the rack before Elide could smack her hands away. “Fuck,” she groaned through her mouthful, “these are so yummy, Ells!” 

“Save a few of them for the guys,” Elide reminded her as she stacked five more onto a small plate. “They’ll want their sweets too.” 

“Their sweets are right here,” Aelin smirked, gesturing to herself and Elide. “And you better believe they’ll get these sweets when they come home.” She winked broadly. 

And both of them collapsed into helpless laughter, wheezing at their own hilarity and their wicked wicked plans for surprising their boyfriends when they came back from their trip. 

~~~

TAGS:

@live-the-fangirl-life

@superspiritfestival

@thegreyj

@wordsafterhours

@elentiyawhitethorn

@morganofthewildfire

@backtobl4ck

@rowanaelinn

@house-of-galathynius

@tomtenadia

@julemmaes

@swankii-art-teacher

@charlizeed

@booknerdproblems

@chronicchthonic14

@earthtolinds

@goddess-aelin

@sweet-but-stormy

@clea-nightingale

@autumnbabylon

@darling-im-the-queen-of-hell

@llyncooljones

@silentquartz